Top Gear: Season 4, Episode 10

1. On today's show,

2. James tries to get a sofa in a Volvo Estate.

3. The hamster goes to see the vet.

4. And I go off-road in a BMW that can't.

5. Hello, good evening, and we start tonight with a question.

6. Why do people buy four-door saloons?

7. I mean, these days, the family motorist is presented

8. with a bewildering array of options.

9. You've got MPVs, mini MPVs, mini off-road MPVs,

10. SUVs, SUV off-road coupsters.

11. I mean, the list goes on and on

12. and frankly, we can't understand

13. why the traditional, boring four-door saloon

14. hasn't been consigned with Terry and June to the history books.

15. But still they keep on coming.

16. And the latest to stick its head above the parapet

17. is the, uh, striking 407 from Peugeot.

18. I mean, look at that!

19. You're not going to lose it in the Little Chef car park, are you?

20. No matter how hard you try.

21. It has a mouth that's wider than Will Young's,

22. and a super-slippery bonnet.

23. But there's a reason for this frontal madness.

24. What you're looking at is the future.

25. Because this is one of the first cars whose shape has been dictated

26. by new laws to protect pedestrians.

27. You see that's why it's all soft and roundy here and here.

28. So that if a pedestrian walks into you,

29. they can dust themselves off and carry on staggering home from the pub without injury.

30. Inside, it's business as usual.

31. Big French comfy seats,

32. and a big French dashboard covered in buttons.

33. They've just machine-gunned it.

34. I daren't pressed a single one

35. in case I fire an oil slick out the back or launch a satellite.

36. And these French switches are swathed in a fantastically flimsy French plastic.

37. Do you know what it is? It's French.

38. But at least it's not trying to be German, which is good.

39. The engine is typically French as well.

40. A 2-litre, 136-hp diesel.

41. It's got a turbo which takes ages to kick in,

42. but it's also got low emissions.

43. Which is all good news, when it comes to company car tax,

44. which is important

45. because only company car drivers will be driving these things.

46. It's on the money for value, too.

47. Even the boggo one comes with climate control,

48. traction control, seven airbags and all the usual electrical bits

49. for just under 15 grand.

50. So it's well priced, full of French character and it cuddles pedestrians.

51. But these days, that's not enough.

52. No, these mass-market saloons each have to have a special selling point

53. if they're gonna stand out from their rivals.

54. The big thing about Peugeot rep saloons

55. has always been fantastic ride and handling.

56. And if this car hasn't got that, then forget it.

57. Peugeot know this, and they've pushed the boat out

58. with a brand new double wishbone front suspension.

59. It's like you get on a Ferrari or race car.

60. But is it any good? Well, you're never gonna find out on the A1.

61. So this is Croft Racing Circuit.

62. 2.1 miles of fast straights, tricky chicanes,

63. and one of the tightest hairpins in the country.

64. And these are radical racers.

65. They go from 0-60 in three seconds,

66. the fastest track car ever to lap the Top Gear circuit.

67. Now, usually, they race from a rolling start.

68. To do a rolling start, you need a pace car.

69. And that is gonna be me in this.

70. A diesel pace car.

71. No extra power, no slick tyres.

72. In fact, the only modification I've made, is this.

73. A rep car leading a pack of race cars.

74. This really is Keith from Accounts running in the Olympics.

75. Okay. There is no better way to test the handling of this car.

76. If I crash and everyone piles into the back of me,

77. we'll know it's no good.

78. Nothing like a bit of pressure.

79. I can actually feel them physically breathing down my neck!

80. Right. Let's see what this car's made of.

81. Control to safety car, away please.

82. This is it, we're away.

83. Now, I've got to get away to a bit of a sharpish start!

84. 'Cause those fellas... Well, they've got their legs on me, to be honest.

85. They're all over the back of my car!

86. Now the safety car lap needs to be done at about 70 mph.

87. We can all do 70 mph on the straights.

88. The difference is the radicals can do 70 mph through corners.

89. Double wishbones, don't let me down.

90. No! No squeal and no lurch.

91. Oh, around that bit. Traction control interfering.

92. I have to say, this clever suspension

93. is keeping me very flat and very level.

94. "Fluid" is the word I'd use. Very French.

95. This is very tight, this bit.

96. No understeer.

97. That's partly because, I think, the traction control that I can't turn off!

98. It's embarrassing 'cause they're all chasing me!

99. Now this is reputedly one of the tightest hairpins in racing.

100. If we get round here...

101. Eh! This thing's all right.

102. I thought I'd better pull over at this point

103. and let them do the rest of the race without me.

104. But that was okay

105. because I'd already found out what I wanted to find out.

106. Well, the Peugeot saloon always had one big selling point,

107. and it still has.

108. This is a very good-looking car.

109. I think so, yeah. Fantastic.

110. - And it handles well? - It does.

111. - And it irons out creases and potholes? - Yep.

112. - Very well, indeed. - It did. Right. Yeah.

113. Couple of things though. One thing you wouldn't have noticed.

114. - If you drive it and you're tall... - All right.

115. your knees are around your ears.

116. I didn't notice that, it has to be said.

117. Not comfortable behind the wheel.

118. And also the turbo lag is horrific.

119. - Yeah, it is bad. - I had my foot hard down the other day,

120. in second gear going up a ramp.

121. Not steep. I could have walked up it, okay?

122. It just stopped!

123. It's just ground to a halt. It's very, very heavy. That's half the problem.

124. With a diesel one, that is a problem. Right.

125. Yeah. I mean, my hair grows faster than this goes.

126. - It's that slow. No, it is. It's that... - His hair.

127. Does that grow or is it just permanent...

128. - No, it's mowed. - I thought it was nylon.

129. - It is. - Yeah.

130. Expect to see daisies growing in it somewhere.

131. Erm, basically, what it boils down to, basically.

132. If you're small and you want a 407,

133. - buy the petrol engine one. - Yeah.

134. But if you're tall and you want a diesel engine car,

135. - just don't bother. Buy something else. - Yeah.

136. And now the news.

137. And we begin with news of a new Citroen, the C4. Here it is.

138. And it's a most practical five-door, guys.

139. It's also going to be available as a rather coupe-like two-door.

140. Prices are going to be from about £12,000.

141. It's going to be on sale in the autumn.

142. The most interesting thing about this car though

143. is a new safety system.

144. It can detect when you are in your lane on the motorway.

145. It knows where the white lines are.

146. If you stray out of your lane,

147. it thinks, well, you could be asleep, nodding off or whatever.

148. It vibrates the driver's seat to make sure...

149. I'm sorry, hang on!

150. If you cross the white line, your seat vibrates?

151. She's gonna spend her entire time on the hard shoulder.

152. I mean, if you're on the motorway and you're following one of those things

153. and it's straddling the white lines,

154. look in the mirror, she'll have her eyes crossed. Like...

155. For mile after mile!

156. Pulling women out of bridge parapets.

157. No idea why a big grin on their face!

158. Very briefly, Aston Martin DB9,

159. we're big fans of that car on this programme.

160. We all love it, do we not, chaps?

161. Good news, or exciting news anyway,

162. they're going to be making a racing version of it.

163. Here it is. I just wanna show you.

164. I mean... Cor!

165. - Isn't that just stunning? - It's fantastic.

166. - That looks good. - Glorious.

167. Now, we've been having a bit of a go at caravans lately.

168. You, especially, saying they don't stop and let people pass.

169. They go too slowly. We've had a response from... a viewer.

170. Here it is.

171. Yeah, well, you see, I've lost interest in caravans now

172. to be perfectly honest, for one very good reason.

173. There's only half a million of them in the country

174. and I've got a new problem.

175. Just horses. Because there are one million of those.

176. Now, I wanna say, at this point,

177. I like horses very much.

178. - Bit of relish. - They are delicious.

179. I like to ride horses, personally.

180. You can ride them.

181. - It is possible to ride a horse. - Yeah.

182. And that's probably fun, too.

183. - It is. - Trouble is, yesterday, I was coming to work,

184. seven miles of a-road, a horse box in front of me,

185. never once exceeded 20 mph.

186. They've got a huge queue.

187. Lots of impatient people, all on the wrong side, trying to overtake.

188. Very dangerous and you know that there's a 25-year-old girl

189. in the horsebox

190. and she's only really worried about the pet in the back.

191. - Now, we've got to do something about this. - It's very, very annoying.

192. - Yeah. But what can we do? - Well, I think, it's...

193. The solution is just make horseboxes faster.

194. - Well, you see, you can't. - Put a bigger engine in it!

195. You can't because the horse is going to fall over.

196. - Pack it in. Just... - What with?

197. - Other horses. - Put more horses in it.

198. Put four horses in it.

199. Shetland ponies sort of wedging...

200. - Pack them in like that! - Now, hang on. No.

201. He might be right. We could be clever about this.

202. I think, horses might interlock.

203. - If you put one horse... - No, they might.

204. If you think about it, they are thin at...

205. No. They're thin at the bottom and fat at the top.

206. - You're not a vet, are you? - No, I'm not.

207. But if you put the other ones in upside down...

208. Yeah, I know where you are going but you're being silly.

209. I have a plan.

210. You know, when you go to Dixon's and buy a television,

211. it comes in like a polystyrene thing.

212. But if you got a horse-shaped two piece like that, with a handle on it.

213. That's stupid! How's it going to breathe in there?

214. That's a rubbish idea.

215. - That's a rubbish idea? - Yes, it is.

216. How about this? Brush the horse vigourously

217. and then have a Velcro-lined horsebox.

218. But how are you gonna get out at the other end?

219. - So, it'll just stick to the wall? - Yeah.

220. Well, then you will tear its skin off

221. when you try and take it out. You'll have all these skinless horses.

222. Well, then, a bald horse?

223. - Oh, that's not nice. - No, maybe not. I don't know.

224. Has anyone else got any thoughts on what we could do?

225. What?

226. Make it sit down.

227. - No, I can't... - What? I'm deaf.

228. - Make it sit down. - Make it sit down.

229. - Make it... Can you make a horse sit down? - No.

230. Well, you got to give it a little chair with a lap strap

231. and then, click.

232. Anyone else got any thoughts?

233. - Two horses. - Two horses. This sounds good.

234. so you don't have to move them.

235. Two horses! You own two horses.

236. You have one where you live and one where you're going!

237. - Absolutely! - That's fantastic!

238. - Whoo! - Yeah!

239. Top man!

240. Close!

241. - That is brilliant! - That is brilliant.

242. Now, we've had an idea. You know that programme, Restoration?

243. They take old houses.

244. You look at a whole lot of them and they think,

245. "They're all falling down."

246. But you can vote, the viewers,

247. on which one should be saved and then they do it up.

248. Could we do that with some old cars?

249. Yeah. It's a simple idea.

250. Basically, what we're going to do is,

251. if you write in and tell us about an old car

252. that you've got in your garden with moss growing out of it

253. or maybe just a car that you know about, if it's not yours,

254. tell us what the car is

255. and your reason for why it should be saved and restored.

256. And then next series, each week,

257. we'll have a look at one of the cars and hear its story.

258. And at the end, you can vote for it.

259. And then, the series after that,

260. you can see it all restored and spangly.

261. - I think, it's got... - Yeah, we're not looking for...

262. We're not looking for "I met my wife in a Morris Marina."

263. - No, that's gross. - Or, you know,

264. if you've just been lazy and let it go to rot, that's your problem.

265. No, I'm looking for really good stories

266. like it was a getaway car or Stalin owned it,

267. or something like that, or it was a one off.

268. So do write to us at, um...

269. It's a rip-off. Isn't it? So, I don't know.

270. - Restoration Rip-Off. Uh... - Okay.

271. Top Gear, BBC, Wood Lane...

272. Just down the corridor from Restoration itself in fact.

273. London W12.

274. - Yeah. - Or go on your interweb.

275. Erm, oh, now.

276. Big story this week, of course.

277. - Er, when the Berlin Wall fell over... - As it did.

278. we all thought the Russians would come over here,

279. buy potatoes, shoes, perhaps.

280. But, oh, no, they bought the South of France.

281. They bought Chelsea, and this week they've bought TVR.

282. Hmm. Now we think... Yeah, they have. They have!

283. We think this is a marriage... It's very sad.

284. Obviously, because, you know, another British car manufacturer

285. has fallen to foreign ownership.

286. But, Russian TVRs.

287. - Picture that! - I mean, think of the names.

288. You got a black car, red star, TVR Spetsnaz.

289. Yes.

290. TVR Molotov!

291. TVR Kalashnikov.

292. TVR Gagarin.

293. - Yeah. - Or a really thirsty one called TVR Yeltsin.

294. Think of that.

295. See where you are going with that. That's a good name.

296. However, I have thought that there might be one big problem. Okay?

297. Now, there's the new TVR coming out very soon, the Sagaris.

298. Have you seen it? I think, we've got a picture of it. Okay? There it is. Now.

299. - We've got to road-test that. - I know.

300. If we don't like it, we've got a problem.

301. See, if you don't like a BMW, or a Ford, what happens?

302. - Well, they write you a sniffy letter. - A sniffy letter.

303. We'd laugh at, put it in the bin. Okay. Yeah.

304. If you don't like that, what's gonna happen?

305. You're gonna get a knock on the door at 3:00 in the morning

306. and two big blokes and black car outside.

307. So, you're right actually.

308. "Okay, I'm sliding towards the circular saw,

309. "it's got great handling, turn it off! Turn it off!"

310. "I love the dashboard! Now cut me down!"

311. Er, it's scary. I don't like it.

312. I will get him to road-test it.

313. Yes, you can do that one.

314. Yeah, but I don't really like TVRs though...

315. Ooh!

316. The late James May there, making one of his...

317. Don't answer the door. - ... final remarks on Top Gear.

318. Erm, what else have we got?

319. Oh, I know, yes. We've had um...

320. We've had word from Peugeot.

321. They tell us that they have come up with a new small car

322. which they say, is as revolutionary

323. as the introduction of the hatchback in the early 1960s.

324. - Does it fly? - No, it doesn't fly.

325. We've had a look through all the bumf here.

326. It says it's got four seats.

327. - And the ones in the back fold down. - We can call that radical.

328. - And it's got airbags in the steering column. - How did they do that?

329. And you can have it with a 1.4 or a 1.6-litre petrol engine or diesel.

330. It doesn't sound that groundbreaking, really. Does it?

331. No, it doesn't. We were a bit perplexed.

332. So we've had it shipped over from France and it's here.

333. Now, it's got two doors, one on each side,

334. which isn't particularly revolutionary, obviously.

335. But, watch this.

336. - Hey! I love that. - Whoo!

337. It's good, isn't it? Now, sliding doors very convenient in car parks.

338. Very entertaining for small children.

339. But the thing I like is

340. that they make the noise of the Star Trek doors on the bridge.

341. - No, they don't. - Yes, they do.

342. - Make the noise made by the Star Trek bridge doors. - Well...

343. - It goes sort of... - No, they don't. Try again.

344. Well, it's... All right. It's sort of... Psshaw!

345. No, no, no. Anyone?

346. Have a go.

347. - Pshew. - No.

348. - Pfff. - No, it isn't that at all.

349. None of you got it.

350. He's right. That's very good.

351. The other thing about these doors is I wonder

352. if they're available on the Ford GT.

353. Just a thought. Erm...

354. The best bit about this car though, for me is the interior because...

355. I'll just put that down.

356. when you're bored with it, okay?

357. All the bits come off like that.

358. And when you pop down to the Peugeot dealership,

359. buy new coloured ones like that.

360. And you can do the same with these kind of mats here,

361. and the seat upholstery and the door linings.

362. And basically, you've got a whole new car.

363. Now, if you look at the back of it,

364. the badge seems to say 1007,

365. but actually we can't call it that apparently.

366. All the James Bond people have gone to Peugeot and said

367. "No," because they own 007.

368. - We have to call it 1,007. - Yeah?

369. Which isn't a particularly snappy name

370. but I do think this is a great little car.

371. I really do. When's it on sale?

372. - Uh, next May, £10,000. Very nice. - Very good.

373. Okay, we've got to move on now and talk about our studio,

374. which is, you've probably noticed over the years,

375. isn't what you call homely.

376. So, we decided it needed brightening up

377. and sent James on a shopping trip.

378. And to help me bring something back,

379. I have this, the Volvo V50 Estate.

380. Surely, the perfect car for transporting

381. a priceless objet d'art.

382. I'm on my way to Newark Antiques Fair,

383. the biggest in Europe.

384. The Volvo Estate is part of the very backbone of our society.

385. It's used by middle England to transport little bits of England

386. all over England.

387. It's like the Eddie Stobart of the chattering classes.

388. And from the driving seat, at least,

389. this new one is a very good place to be.

390. The seats are very comfortable.

391. A great relief if you've just come from your post-sauna birching.

392. And this dashboard has a lovely Swedish logic to it.

393. Look at these buttons here.

394. Volume, tuning, fan, temperature.

395. No argument.

396. In fact, the only slightly odd bit

397. is that the ignition key goes up here on the dashboard.

398. But you know what?

399. It's a really good place for it.

400. There's a touch of IKEA to all this,

401. but, reassuringly, an expert has put it all together.

402. They've even gone a bit Tate Modern.

403. Look at this centre console, for example.

404. Not only is it floating in outer space, it's also see-through.

405. Except there isn't anything to see.

406. At least let me look at some wiring or something.

407. Check the soldering.

408. We don't laugh at Volvo Estate drivers any more.

409. We have Rover drivers for that.

410. And one of the reasons we're not laughing

411. is versions like this one, the T5.

412. 222 horsepower.

413. A turbo charger thrown in. 150 mph.

414. Crivens!

415. So, comfy seats, nice buttons, decent performance.

416. It's even quite good fun to drive.

417. But none of this actually matters in a Volvo Estate.

418. What matters is how big a piece of junk

419. I can fit in the back.

420. The old chief designer of Volvo once told me that,

421. "Estates are boxes on wheels."

422. They are for carrying stuff. That's all there is to it.

423. And he said that Volvo made the best boxes on wheels.

424. Well, I'm afraid this box has gone a bit pear-shaped.

425. Have a look at this.

426. That load space is smaller than it is on a BMW 3 Series Estate,

427. or an Audi A4 Estate, or even the new Jaguar X-type Estate.

428. The Jaguar's got about 30 litres more with the seats up

429. which I reckon is probably about that much.

430. But with the seats down, it's got 100 litres more.

431. And that's probably enough for, I don't know,

432. a charming Victorian blanket box or something.

433. Now, that's not really good enough

434. because space is what a Volvo Estate is supposed to be about.

435. I mean, what's going on?

436. Here we are, the Newark International Antiques and Collectors Fair,

437. in Nottinghamshire.

438. This is the biggest antiques fair in Europe.

439. If I can find something suitably tasteful and big here,

440. maybe the Volvo can redeem itself.

441. First though, I'm going to need some help.

442. This is Tim Wonnacott. He's from Bargain Hunt.

443. - Welcome to Top Gear. - Thank you.

444. And he's gonna help us find something tasteful at a reasonable price.

445. I think, you've found something already?

446. I have indeed. Take this on board.

447. It's solid silver. A little late Victorian Edwardian timepiece,

448. all complete with its hinge door, nice movement...

449. - Can I just stop you there? - Yeah.

450. It's not really big enough.

451. I'm not really interested in period or patina,

452. or porcelain dolls or even an old propeller.

453. I just want something that will completely

454. fill my Volvo's boot.

455. frame.

456. - Oh, hang on. - What?

457. - Pinball. - You are joking, aren't you?

458. Is the vast majority of it complete tat?

459. - Yeah, look at that. - I like that.

460. - You do? - Yeah. I've got something similar at home.

461. It's £10's worth!

462. Well, I might have it anyway.

463. - Now, I like the idea of that. - Do you?

464. - It's ready to go. - Is it wormy?

465. It could be yours.

466. - Not sure. - Not you.

467. - Yes! - What?

468. Yes. That is very Top Gear. Look at that.

469. It's leather, sort of.

470. It's button-backed. It's gentlemanly.

471. And it smells like an old Rover.

472. This beautiful Chesterfield

473. should fit nicely in our Swedish Estate.

474. Not sure where the quality is there, but if you like it...

475. - I love it. How much? - You do?

476. Erm, I can do it for you for £70.

477. What about £50?

478. £70, it's gotta be.

479. £50, come on. Carry it away for £50.

480. £60, it's yours.

481. £60, but what about 50?

482. Split the difference, £55.

483. £55, you got a deal.

484. If it'll fit in the car, then it's a deal, yeah?

485. - Right. - Done. Right. Okay, bring it round.

486. Now for the moment of truth.

487. To you.

488. My hands are slipping on the leatherette.

489. You might have to tip the cushions a bit.

490. Go on, give it a push!

491. - Yes! Oh! - Fantastic.

492. Hang on.

493. - No. - Is that at the end?

494. - Yeah. - Oh, for Pete's sake.

495. That would have gone in a Jag or an Audi.

496. - Look, just look. - Oh!

497. Just forget it, mate. It isn't gonna fit.

498. So then, James, what did you buy to brighten up our studio?

499. - Are you ready? - Yes, go on.

500. How about that? Wow!

501. That's fan... That's fantastic!

502. - It's... - I was thinking of you...

503. I'm can have a different hairstyle every...

504. Actually, I've had a better idea.

505. Where's that hair bloke earlier on?

506. - Where? Hair. - He's over there.

507. Come here! Come on! Come on! Quick! Come through!

508. Come fast! Come on! Make way, make way, make way! Quick! Quick! Quick!

509. Come on! Get yourself in there, mate.

510. Look, this is it!

511. Sit.

512. Aw! Look at that!

513. We'll put that down there.

514. Sorry, mate.

515. Do you mind if we just discuss the car momentarily?

516. 'Cause I drove one of these ones the other day.

517. - It was a diesel version, okay? And I thought... - Hmm.

518. It was a bit thin, a bit weedy.

519. You're right, actually. Because that T5 is quite good fun,

520. but the rest of the range is a bit boring, to be honest. Yeah.

521. And the Jag that you had last week,

522. - the X-type, X-type Estate... - Yeah.

523. is more practical, obviously.

524. Uh, it's got a nicer engine. It's more fun to drive.

525. And actually, it costs pretty much the same money.

526. And if you'd taken the X-type up there,

527. we could have had that green sofa,

528. - and you wouldn't have been humiliated so much. - Yeah.

529. Jaguar's built a better estate than Volvo.

530. - What does that mean? - I don't know. Weird.

531. Anyway. We've got to move on. It's time to meet our guest.

532. Now, he was one of the participants recently,

533. on the Sport Relief programme,

534. in which a number of people drove round a racetrack.

535. Okay. Most of the participants were very happy to have lost, but not this one.

536. Complaining, accusing me of cheating.

537. So, he's here.

538. Please welcome former chat show host, and whinger,

539. Paddy Kielty.

540. - How are you? - Hello, good man.

541. - You all right? - Yeah.

542. - So, um... - Thanks for that lovely intro, by the way.

543. - No problem... - Good sense of fair play, I can see.

544. The fact of the matter is, man, you lost.

545. Okay. All right. Let the audience decide here.

546. Okay? Let's...

547. Have we got a clip of this?

548. Should we discuss this further, or...

549. You want to discuss it? What's your problem

550. - with the way that I overtook you? - Okay, okay. Apparently...

551. Apparently, in the world of motor sport,

552. - if there's a yellow flag... - Mmm-hmm.

553. - Er, you're not allowed to overtake. - True.

554. Unless you're a rather tall man with kind of fuzzy hair.

555. No, you can't overtake.

556. - The thing is though, there was an accident... - Yeah.

557. - ... in this race for Sport Relief, okay? - Yeah.

558. There was a waved yellow flag,

559. Paddy slowed down...

560. Being the gentleman.

561. Absolutely. I slowed down behind him.

562. We went past the accident.

563. Now, what you didn't realise was...

564. Well, actually, you're supposed to have a green flag that waves.

565. - Right. Where was the green flag? - I...

566. You see, I knew and you didn't know

567. we'd forgotten to bring any green flags.

568. So, when we past the accident, I just put my foot down.

569. - You know what? We've got a clip. - Okay, let's take look.

570. - And watch how he reacts, okay? - Make your own mind up.

571. Here we go.

572. Which car was mine? That's mine

573. in the bright, catching you.

574. That's me in front. That's me in front.

575. - You started ahead of me... - I slow, yellow flag.

576. This is under the yellow flag.

577. We go past the accident, which was there.

578. I'm thinking, "What are you doing, man?"

579. Put my foot down. There you go.

580. That.

581. Well, you can't drive around under a yellow

582. at 20 mph for the whole race,

583. 'cause otherwise no one would overtake you.

584. You're the only man I know who actually confuses his own opinion with fact.

585. Anyway, let's talk about chat shows.

586. - Yours has been axed. - Yeah.

587. And, uh...

588. Well, I would say mine's finished.

589. But as you know, Jeremy, chat shows kind of rise and fall

590. on the standard of their guests.

591. - We had you on, didn't we? - Yes.

592. It's a good point, that. See, I was gonna bring this up.

593. - Go on. - 'Cause one of the things I notice with chat shows,

594. 'cause I had one briefly.

595. - For a little, tiny bit, yeah. - For a very little time.

596. Yeah, I thought I'd try something different

597. and then just ended up back where I started.

598. Here. But the point is... Is that, um,

599. it just gets to the point where you are only interviewing

600. other chat show hosts.

601. You got Jonathan Ross comes on yours,

602. and then you've got Frank Skinner's got Michael Parkinson.

603. I'm now on yours, you were on mine last year, we both went on Parkinson...

604. - Exactly. - Yeah.

605. It's just chat shows moving around.

606. So who was your worst guest?

607. I would say, probably the worst guest was Oliver Reed.

608. - Really? - Yes.

609. Um, the fact that he'd been drinking from, uh,

610. - 12:00 in the afternoon. - On the day he was born.

611. And the show went live at, uh, half 9:00.

612. Uh, not really a good look.

613. Uh, the opening line was, "Well, Oliver, welcome to Ireland.

614. "How long have you been here?"

615. And he said, "Young man, how long is your dick?"

616. And let me move into interview mode now, if I may. Um...

617. - Okay, am I watching the master here? - Yeah.

618. - Here we go. - Watch... Watch and learn.

619. - Okay. - You've got a Porsche Cayenne.

620. Any particular reason for that?

621. He's stumped.

622. Okay, can I just tell the people here, okay,

623. whenever we're doing Stars in Fast Cars, and he said,

624. "So what are you driving now?"

625. And I said, "Porsche Cayenne."

626. And he went, "Two words, Graham Norton."

627. Now, what is that meant to mean?

628. Is it meant to mean it's a slightly camp choice?

629. What were you hinting at there, Jeremy?

630. I'm merely saying that Graham Norton has one.

631. - Yes. - It was just...

632. Are you still driving the Mercedes that Dale Winton drives?

633. Oh, yes. No.

634. - You see, you... - Yes.

635. Oh, dear.

636. I think he's... There's just two words I gotta say to Dale Winton now is,

637. "I think it's Aston Martin."

638. That's very true, he actually changed.

639. Because he thought that your car was too camp.

640. Sort of that. Actually, I've done Graham Norton later in the show.

641. - I mentioned him... - Very good.

642. Well, you see...

643. Mentioned him.

644. - I kind of mentioned him... - I think we're all looking forward to that one.

645. Okay, yes.

646. Uh, but the big news, of course, is that yesterday you bought a DeLorean.

647. What in the name of all that's holy possessed you to do such a thing?

648. Okay, look, I'm from Northern Ireland, to start with, right?

649. So if you're from Northern Ireland

650. and someone actually tries to build a sports car factory,

651. in Belfast, in 1980,

652. when Belfast is more like downtown Baghdad,

653. then manages to come over,

654. build something which I think is actually aesthetically quite pleasing...

655. - Well, we've got it here. The very one you bought. Yeah. - There it is.

656. In the process, manages to take Margaret Thatcher for 100 million,

657. and still has time to end up in a hotel room with a suitcase full of snow

658. that Alberto Tomba couldn't ski down,

659. I think is a bit of a hero!

660. For me. You now, obviously, it doesn't drive that well.

661. It sort of drives like a double-decker with marmalade wheels.

662. It's... It's build quality,

663. not best.

664. Engineering-wise, it is not...

665. - I mean, it was a Renault engine. - Yes, Jaguar back brakes,

666. Cortina front brakes.

667. - And then a Lotus Esprit... - Easy now.

668. Lotus Esprit kind of chassis.

669. Yeah. Well, you see, the thing about it is that

670. in Belfast we don't really have a great engineering history.

671. You know, the last thing we built before the DeLorean

672. went down with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio hanging off the back of it.

673. So...

674. - It, uh... - They're still very proud

675. of that though in Belfast, aren't they?

676. No, they actually are. When... Belfast is the only place

677. where the taxi drivers pick you up and show...

678. And when you're driving past the ship yard go, "That's where they built the Titanic."

679. And you should have gone, "Shut up about it.

680. "It didn't even make it on its first trip, man."

681. Now, you grew up, of course, in Northern Ireland.

682. It can't have been that easy driving

683. in those troublesome times.

684. Yeah. I had a few crashes.

685. - Go down well? - Um, not when I crashed into The Parachute Regiment.

686. We were having a check point just outside my village.

687. - Really? - Yes.

688. The boys had their little checkpoint pulled across

689. with their armour-plated Land Rovers.

690. I'm in my mum's armour-plated Volvo.

691. The damage to theirs was this...

692. The damage to mine was just cataclysmic.

693. And whenever you actually have an accident

694. and you're getting that sort of terrible slow-motion feeling where you think,

695. "I'm gonna die."

696. And then you stop and you go, "I'm okay."

697. Imagine that feeling,

698. "I'm okay," and then you hear this sound.

699. - Yes. - Uh, exactly.

700. Of course, you're in London now.

701. I am in London.

702. Slightly different trying to drive a car

703. with a Northern Ireland registration, through the streets of London.

704. - You still got Northern Ireland plates? - I do.

705. Always good for parking in the Royal Borough.

706. That's good.

707. And Chelsea.

708. All you do is just pull in anywhere you want and just go,

709. "I'll be back in five minutes!"

710. Now, that would work. And, of course, LA as well. You're over there a lot.

711. Um, yeah, um.

712. Don't they think that that accent's just Martian?

713. I mean, can they understand what you're on about in America?

714. Now let's be honest. Have you heard Brad Pitt?

715. What was that film Brad Pitt was in?

716. Well, you see, Brad Pitt... Americans trying to do Irish accents...

717. It's hysterical.

718. Well, you see, they go around the whole 26 counties of Ireland...

719. I love whenever I come over here, right?

720. And people say, "Where are you from?"

721. And because I'm from Northern Ireland,

722. and I say, "I'm from Ireland."

723. So they always do a Cork accent.

724. So they'll always say to me,

725. "So, Paddy, where are you from?" And I go, "Ireland."

726. And they go, "Top of the morning to you."

727. And I say, "Where are you from?" They go, "Essex."

728. So I go, "Why, hey, man."

729. Ours is quite a big country, too!

730. I think it's about time we had a look at your lap.

731. - Do you think? - Yeah.

732. Who'd like to see Paddy's lap?

733. Yes!

734. Where do you think you'd like to come on there?

735. I don't know. Um...

736. There's quite a nice, little gaggle at one minute fifty...

737. Where's Alan Davies? Where did... Where did...

738. Alan Davies is there.

739. 1.54. But it was mildly damp when he came.

740. - Uh, okay. - And it's bone dry and boiling hot.

741. Yeah. Anywhere kind of in the top half, 'cause things didn't really go to plan...

742. - Top half? - ... with the lap.

743. Shall we have a look at Paddy's not-to-plan lap? Here we go.

744. A fine start.

745. Now, The Stig tells me...

746. - Yeah. - ... that you have phenomenal car control.

747. - Seriously, I'm not joking. Yeah. - Did he?

748. And enormous bravery.

749. He didn't say bravery, but, nevertheless.

750. Here we go.

751. That is very, very good.

752. Very good.

753. Braking into the second, through...

754. Grimly determined is how I'd describe you. Oh, I would, but...

755. No. That's poor. Too much, too much understeer. Yeah.

756. - Was that flat out through there? - Pretty much.

757. Flat out through there?

758. - Yeah. - Brave man.

759. Oh, definitely flat out through there!

760. See, that's the sort of car control we're talking about.

761. And then, into the final corner.

762. Then it goes a bit... Look!

763. - Well! - Yeah.

764. - Right. - Yeah.

765. Here we go, then.

766. - Go on, then. - One minute,

767. 48 seconds dead.

768. A pretty good time, I think you'll find.

769. Does that actually mean

770. that because there was no yellow flag,

771. that I actually beat your time, Jeremy?

772. Yup.

773. There was one fundamental difference though between your lap and mine,

774. apart from the two seconds.

775. - Yeah. - Which is that when I finished

776. I got out and the car was perfectly serviceable.

777. - Who'd like to see Paddy's... - I don't...

778. I don't think we really need to go there.

779. That looks okay to me.

780. Yeah, it looks okay, but I don't think we should end it there.

781. Well, we'll take a vote.

782. Do we end it now or do we have a look at Paddy's practise lap?

783. - Hands up if... - Yeah.

784. Oh, I'm sorry, mate. They really want to see it

785. and it's kind of a democracy here, you know.

786. So let's have a look. Here we go.

787. It's, uh, second to last corner, always the tricky one.

788. Kept your foot in it. Brave.

789. Bit foolish because...

790. And that was the end of the entire front suspension there.

791. Yeah.

792. Can I get to keep this?

793. You can keep... That was all that was left of it.

794. 'Cause then we put you in the other car and then what happened?

795. I stuffed that as well.

796. You stuffed that as well. You've come here. You've broken both cars,

797. but it's been an enormous pleasure, nevertheless.

798. - Yes. - And I'll see you around soon.

799. Ladies and gentlemen, Paddy Kielty.

800. Well done, mate.

801. Like the X5, it handles beautifully.

802. But unlike the X5, you sit fairly low down.

803. Now sure, that means you can't laud it over other motorists

804. with a commanding driving position.

805. But because you're so low down, it feels like a normal car.

806. In fact, it feels better than a normal car.

807. It feels like a seriously well-sorted sports saloon.

808. And because it has the same sort of electronic four wheel drive system

809. as a Mitsubishi Evo-8, it grips well, too.

810. The gearbox is a bit dim-witted,

811. but the engine more than makes up for it.

812. It's got a good growly base note

813. and some fairly serious punch as well.

814. Then there's the question of value.

815. An X5 three-litre sport is £37,000.

816. An X3 three-litre sport with exactly the same engine is £33,000.

817. £4,000 less.

818. And don't think you're getting any less space, because in terms of length,

819. there's only two inches in it.

820. If you can manage without a top speed of 137,

821. you can buy a two and a half-litre version

822. for £29,000 and that's pretty good.

823. In fact, this is shaping up to be a pretty good car.

824. So, fantastic achievement. Well done, BMW.

825. Top of the class.

826. Um, no.

827. Because, you see, there are one or two problems.

828. First of all, it has a truly dreadful, jowl-wobbling, bone-shaking ride.

829. You honestly couldn't possibly live with it. You really couldn't.

830. I mean, I know this road is as smooth as silk.

831. And yet, the X3 is finding

832. huge pot holes and massive mountain ranges to bump over.

833. The last time I was this uncomfortable, I was on a windsurfer.

834. And it's not just the ride, either.

835. You may have noticed by this stage that the styling's a bit iffy as well.

836. It has the grace and architectural merit of a 1950s secondary school.

837. It is ghastly.

838. And inside, things get even worse.

839. It's an unremitting sea of dreary grey drizzle.

840. BMW say everything's made to be recycled,

841. but to be honest, everything feels like it already has been.

842. One of the things that worries me is that this car isn't made by BMW.

843. It's made by a sub-contractor in Arnold Schwarzenegger's hometown actually,

844. in Austria.

845. And I think they've used some of his melted down dumbbells to make these bumpers.

846. Very cheap.

847. And look at the shape of this rear window. I mean, what happened here?

848. Did a designer sneeze perhaps?

849. I mean...

850. It really is a very hard car to like, this.

851. And it gets worse when you take it

852. out there.

853. This isn't a particularly tough off-road course.

854. Come on! Come on! Kick on!

855. And at first, everything seemed fine.

856. Come on!

857. No, this is not going to work.

858. I've gotta say it's got reasonable traction, reasonable...

859. When I said reasonable ground clearance,

860. what I was going to say is really appalling ground clearance.

861. We are, um, teetering. That's the word I'm looking for there.

862. Dread to think what the underside looks like.

863. Basically the X3 was like a yachting dog.

864. Endlessly dragging its bottom along the ground.

865. Now, you see, at this point...

866. the most useful thing you can have in a four wheel drive car

867. is a sound recordist.

868. Get out, go push.

869. Come on, man!

870. That's it. He's... Look at that. He's a horse of a man!

871. The X3's on-board computer

872. is supposed send the engine's power to whichever wheel

873. has the most traction.

874. Worked on the road, but not here.

875. Okay.

876. Oi! Oi! Oi!

877. Can you bring a Range Rover and a rope?

878. We need a tractor.

879. After Thunderbird II had pulled me out,

880. I only had 100 yards of rough stuff to go

881. before I was back where the X3 belongs.

882. On the road.

883. I don't believe it! It's happened again!

884. It's happened again!

885. Ah, my door won't open.

886. I haven't even got a sunroof to escape out of!

887. I'm gonna be in here forever!

888. I've got to wait for basically wind erosion

889. to blow away the soil before I can get out.

890. All I have for sustenance are these mints.

891. And all there is to do in here

892. is think that, really, this isn't a particularly good off-road car.

893. As off-road cars go, this is not...

894. Not a good one.

895. Oh, dear.

896. Oh, dear.

897. That bad?

898. Afraid so, yeah. And it's not just the ride

899. and the cheapness of the materials, and the styling,

900. but the thing is, is that you've got no high driving position.

901. And it's no good off-road.

902. So I can't see the point!

903. Why don't you just buy a 5 Series Estate?

904. Yeah, I mean, it's gonna have the same number of seats,

905. it's gonna be a lot more comfortable...

906. A lot, lot, lot, lot more comfortable.

907. - It's almost... - It's cheaper as well.

908. No, it's the same price.

909. It's faster, it's more economical,

910. and people, if you have a car like that, won't hate you.

911. No, for driving it. I mean, it's not... It's not exactly beautiful.

912. No, it's not beautiful, but compared to this?

913. Granted. Compared to that it is beautiful.

914. But what if you are one of the... You know, one in a million

915. who do wanna go hang-gliding on a mountain bike off a cliff or whatever?

916. I want perfect.

917. Easy solution.

918. - I give you this Land Rover, okay? - What?

919. No, no, no. You can buy one of these for what?

920. £19,000-20,000, okay?

921. £4,000 will kit it like this,

922. with the lights and the seats and aluminium and the big wheels and so on.

923. And the great thing about this is, it will go off-road!

924. 'Cause it has the three big deals.

925. - It has the... - Big chunky tyres.

926. Big chunky tyres, lots of ground clearance.

927. When you get stuck you pull a lever and there's a noise,

928. as a big bit of metal moves,

929. and then you keep going.

930. And in this thing, okay?

931. And all those stupid SUVs, they're all ridiculous, it's not just this one,

932. you push a button and a light comes on!

933. What good's that?

934. - It's just a light. - It's a light.

935. How can electricity help?

936. I want a lever!

937. And that's what you get in one of these.

938. These are fantastic. They really are.

939. So, really, to sum up,

940. if you're gonna go

941. extreme ironing or whatever it is you do from...

942. Get yourself one of these.

943. It's a lot cooler than an X3.

944. If you're just gonna do, you know, say, the school run, you want a practical BMW,

945. get one of these.

946. And if you are clinically insane,

947. by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion,

948. here's your car.

949. Enjoy it. You could go to Mars in it, maybe.

950. Now you might have noticed this week,

951. there's a kind of interesting role reversal thing going on in this show.

952. I mean, Jeremy's just been singing the praises of a Land Rover

953. and I am now gonna go spanking around our track in a big V8 sports car.

954. Italy has Ferrari.

955. Britain has Aston Martin.

956. And America

957. has the Corvette.

958. In the pantheon of American sports cars,

959. this is their greatest offering.

960. It's been around for 51 years.

961. And in America, they don't even have stuff that old in museums.

962. And what a name, too. Corvette.

963. And besides that iconic name, it actually looks like a sports car,

964. as we in Europe know it.

965. It's not the usual American enormous saloon

966. with the engine out of a battleship.

967. This has always been purpose built as a sports car.

968. And in half a century, the recipe has never changed.

969. Always a sweeping body, always rear drive, always fibreglass.

970. This then, is America's Porsche 911.

971. But here in Europe, we already have a Porsche 911. It's called the Porsche 911.

972. So we've never been too interested in the 'Vette.

973. But that's not gonna put off the Americans from trying to sell them to us.

974. And whilst a basic 91I will set you back £60,000,

975. this costs a more modest £40,000.

976. For that, you get a six-litre V8 with 400 bhp.

977. But more importantly, 400lb-ft of torque.

978. Now that's enough to pull up all of those trees over there and put them over there.

979. Now for the price, that may seem like a bargain.

980. But sadly, there's also quite a lot of this car that's bargain basement.

981. These plastics, where are they getting them from?

982. It's the same with every American car we drive.

983. These are the people that can land on Mars!

984. And there's more misery to come when you're driving it.

985. The clutch is making my left leg hurt.

986. And the gear change has been taken straight out of a Victorian signal box.

987. I'm changing gear.

988. And then there's the chassis technology.

989. The Corvette's rear suspension uses leaf springs.

990. Let me make that live for you.

991. If you went to your doctor's, and he got a jar of leeches out, you know what I mean.

992. And I haven't finished yet.

993. There's still the ride.

994. Let me show you exactly what that means.

995. Here we go.

996. Ooh!

997. Oh, dear. Is this the pinnacle of American sports car icons?

998. A plastic wedge with a horrible interior, clunky transmission

999. and suspension technology lifted from the Old Testament.

1000. Well, let's hope the Corvette can redeem itself with good old-fashioned grunt.

1001. Now this has always been the party piece of the American sports car.

1002. So can this one follow in the tradition of its government

1003. and get up other countries' noses?

1004. What we've got here is a United Nations drag race

1005. with Britain being represented by a 350bhp TVR 350:

1006. Japan by the Honda NSX.

1007. And from Germany, a 911.

1008. All with roughly the same power, all purpose built for the job.

1009. Okay, bit of spin off the line.

1010. The Porsche has gone backwards.

1011. The TVR is absolutely steaming ahead.

1012. Neck and neck with the NSX, the Japanese.

1013. Oh, this looks poor.

1014. A lowly third for the Corvette.

1015. The Brits! Oh, dear, they win.

1016. So, is this American any good at anything?

1017. Well, actually, yes.

1018. The head-up display, that's cool.

1019. That's a very good thing.

1020. It shows you revs and speed and all sorts, which is useful.

1021. And here's something else. Interesting.

1022. A G-metre.

1023. Now, why would an American car

1024. need a G-metre?

1025. Well, here's a clue.

1026. The new Corvette is 5 inches shorter than the old one.

1027. And the wheels are closer to the ends of the car.

1028. And there's only one reason they did that.

1029. To make it better at going round corners.

1030. It feels small, it feels nimble.

1031. It's steerable, it turns in quickly.

1032. This is amazing. Look, this is a corner.

1033. We go round a bend.

1034. They don't have these in America. How do they know how to do this?

1035. It may only have leaf springs underneath, but so did Charlton Heston's chariot.

1036. And look at the fun he had.

1037. And when you really hammer it, it starts to sound like a proper muscle car.

1038. You know this seems to happen every time we test a car from the colonies.

1039. It was the same when Jeremy drove that Australian Holden.

1040. They're a bit crude, but really, really big fun.

1041. This one is like an American footballer.

1042. It might look simple. It might belch in sports bars.

1043. But underneath, there's quite an athlete.

1044. Can I just show you something? Do you mind if I just show you something? Look at this.

1045. - Yes, I know! - Look at that!

1046. - Yeah, I know. - Look at it.

1047. If you're a pedestrian, and this backs into you,

1048. you'd be very pleased for that.

1049. It's comfy.

1050. And can I just bring something else up from the film?

1051. Yes.

1052. - Leaf springs. - Oh.

1053. Yes, well, basic but functional.

1054. - Leaf springs! - Yeah, I...

1055. Like you get on a Silver Cross pram.

1056. - Yes! - Or a medieval ox cart.

1057. This is true, but they work!

1058. You're not

1059. seriously suggesting that this car could go round the track as fast as, say,

1060. a Russian TVR?

1061. Let's find out. It's time for some shock and awe with George W Stig.

1062. And away he goes. Loads of wheel spin off the line.

1063. Don't forget that's 400 snarling Wild West horses fighting back.

1064. Question is will they make life difficult through the corners?

1065. There's oversteering there!

1066. A lot of oversteer, which is a bit of a worry.

1067. Look at that.

1068. Oh! Locking the front wheels into Chicago there!

1069. It does get a bit frisky when you're braking very hard on the Corvette.

1070. Coming around to the Hammerhead now.

1071. Lots of cars understeer here.

1072. But not this one.

1073. You can actually hear The Stig feathering the accelerator around there,

1074. trying to keep that back end in line.

1075. He's heading up towards the follow through now.

1076. Now, the Corvette should be very fast here.

1077. The Stig can really open up that big V8.

1078. Ooh! That is properly quick!

1079. Now in the first half of the lap, the Chevy was looking set for a solid time.

1080. It could have been in the high 1.20s.

1081. Will he hold on to that?

1082. Bit messy there.

1083. Coming towards Gambon, more oversteer through there! And across the line in...

1084. - In what? - One...

1085. - Down here, yes. Obviously... - Which is good. Yes. 20...

1086. 6.8!

1087. Now that is a fast car! I'm sorry! You can't deny it, Clarkson. Look at that!

1088. - That's not bad! - It's faster than... I mean, it's nearly as fast as an Evo!

1089. - It's a quick car. - I'll grant you that. It's a very quick...

1090. A messy lap, but a very quick time.

1091. So there we are. If you want a plastic left-hand drive car with Vietnamese suspension,

1092. - here it is. - That's very fast!

1093. Whatever. That is the end of the show, I'm afraid.

1094. And, in fact, the end of the series.

1095. So we'll see you in the autumn.

1096. Thanks very much for tuning in.

1097. See you then. Good night!