Top Gear: Season 4, Episode 1

1. On today's show, a brilliant new car from Aston Martin,

2. an awful new car from Rover

3. and a ballistic cockroach from Norfolk.

4. Hello. Good evening. Welcome to the new series, and phew, frankly.

5. We thought 2004 was going to be the dreariest year ever for new cars.

6. We thought we were gonna have to fill the show up with

7. Britain's Noisiest Windscreen Wipers and

8. When Cup-Holders Attack.

9. But we were wrong.

10. 2004 is an amazing year for new cars.

11. It's a complete blizzard of horsepower.

12. This time of the year, all those middle-class dinner parties,

13. people are talking about how to get to the south of France.

14. What's the quickest way?

15. And the answer is, you get on that new train,

16. you go straight through the tunnel to gay Paris,

17. then you change onto the TGV, which is the fastest train in the world, I think.

18. All the way to the south coast of France with a gin and tonic.

19. I agree, actually.

20. Those trains are incredible,

21. 186 miles an hour, and some people reckon

22. it's actually a quicker way to the south of France than a plane, let alone a car.

23. Twaddle.

24. Rubbish. No train can be faster than cars.

25. Not possible. Okay?

26. And to prove the point, I organised an epic race.

27. This was the route. We were going to meet at 8:00 in the morning

28. here at the studio in the middle of Surrey,

29. and then we would race to the south of France. Okay?

30. Now, they would be on one of their very fast trains,

31. and I would be in a very fast car.

32. Which one? That's obvious.

33. The new Aston Martin DB9.

34. Okay, the rules of this are very simple.

35. They are not allowed to use any form of car,

36. I'm not allowed to use any form of train,

37. and the winner is the first one to the Cafe de Paris, Casino Square, Monte-Carlo.

38. See you, chaps.

39. Well, he'll probably get to the end of the lane before us.

40. Once we're on that train, there is no way

41. can that car beat us to Monte-Carlo. It's impossible.

42. In an ordinary car, I agree. It may well be impossible.

43. But this is no ordinary car.

44. The old DB7, really, that was just a Jag in drag.

45. It was an XJS in a party frock.

46. This is completely different.

47. It's made in a brand-new factory,

48. using space-age materials and sci-fi production techniques.

49. Is that heavy? Yeah.

50. No, I mean, like, really heavy? Yeah.

51. You get a sense of that modernness.

52. In here, I've got loads more space than you used to get in the DB7.

53. And look at the dash. It's aluminium, it's pale woods,

54. you got dials like you get on a techno marine watch.

55. You get a split-screen SATNAV: you get hands-free phone.

56. It's as bang up-to-date and as modern and as clean and as crisp as...

57. As the departure lounge at a Swiss airport.

58. By the time the boys had walked the two miles to the local bus stop,

59. I had covered 40.

60. Everything was going fine, until I reached the outskirts of Dover,

61. where I hit traffic.

62. Get out of the way, you Polish lorry!

63. Why are you cluttering up our roads with Latvian milk?

64. - Morning. - Can we have two to Guildford, please?

65. - £5.60, please. - £5.60?

66. If I don't catch this 10:00 ferry, I'm out of the race.

67. That's a design I perfected on the school bus.

68. Three, two, one, throw.

69. Thank you very much. That was excellent.

70. Yes!

71. We are in business!

72. Okay, I'm about to get on the Seacat, which will get me to France in 60 minutes.

73. But, before I get on,

74. I have one concern about the car.

75. It is spectacularly good-looking and it is very modern.

76. But in my lifetime, Astons have always been very British cars.

77. Big, heavy, dark, damp, green, like kind of jet-propelled stately homes,

78. merlin-engined shire horses, and I'm not sure this is.

79. It may be a good car. It may well be a great car.

80. But is it an Aston?

81. Jeremy, hello, where are you?

82. I'm at the docks, I'm about to get on the boat.

83. - He's already at the docks. - Where are you?

84. Um, yeah. We're in Guildford station.

85. So you're only at Guildford, and I'm at the Channel.

86. Give it a few hours, and we'll be at least 150 miles ahead. I promise you.

87. I'm gonna win this. You're not.

88. A car cannot beat the train once we're on the other side of the Channel.

89. They still think they're going to win.

90. - Sorry. - Now that's what I call moving!

91. - What a nice day. - It is a gorgeous day.

92. Look at that! I wonder where they are now?

93. I'm all right, really. No.

94. Right. It's 11:15 UK time,

95. which means Jeremy has just driven off the Seacat.

96. We're only at London Waterloo,

97. but we're going onto the Eurostar all the way to Paris.

98. This is where we catch up.

99. At last, the French motorways.

100. Now I can really open the taps and find out if the DB9

101. is a proper Aston.

102. This car absolutely flies.

103. It's got a six-litre V12 engine that develops 460 brake horsepower.

104. It's actually more powerful per ton than a Vanquish.

105. That means it does naught to 60 in four-and-a-half seconds.

106. Top speed?

107. 190!

108. What I'm trying to say is that it's definitely got the power of an Aston.

109. It also makes a fabulous noise.

110. Listen to that.

111. This is how you beat the French, shouting at them.

112. But when you settle down to a cruise, it stops shouting.

113. It starts to sing a gentle ballad.

114. Naturally, being an Aston, it wasn't long before it attracted some attention.

115. - May. - Yes, hello, Jeremy.

116. I've got the gendarmes just all over me.

117. - I think he's being nicked by the rozzers. - Oh...

118. - Have they stopped you? - They just keep coming alongside

119. and they just go, "Quicker! Quicker!"

120. Rubbish. You're making it up.

121. This is the great thing about driving is the police come along in France,

122. and then just want you to go quicker.

123. How's that, Mr Gendarme?

124. Well, so far, Jeremy's had it pretty much all his own way in his Aston Martin,

125. while we've carried heavy bags, walked, caught buses

126. and got on small trains.

127. Now, though, things change because we're on the big train, so

128. we'll hit nearly 200 miles an hour on the way from here to Dover.

129. Then it's 60 miles an hour through the tunnel.

130. And then the best part of 200 miles an hour all the way across France.

131. - What? Is that him? - It is.

132. Excellent.

133. Bonjour, MonsieurClarkson.

134. May, I want to know where you are.

135. We are on the Eurostar train, in enormous comfort,

136. looking forward to the first-class lunch.

137. - Would you like a drink? - I think it could be champagne.

138. - I'll have champagne as well. - Thank you very much.

139. As they headed for the Channel tunnel, I was already in champagne country.

140. But it wasn't me who needed a drink.

141. This is not good. I've got the fuel warning light on.

142. This is gonna be a Formula 1-style pit stop, this is.

143. - Here we go. Way-hay! - Ooh, that's it.

144. Where's the fuel filler cap button?

145. I'll have the white Bordeaux.

146. Why don't they put them in the same place?

147. Have you ever seen a more stupid place to put a fuel-filler-cap release?

148. I suppose Jeremy could probably have a pasty or something, or a pork pie.

149. - Leburger or, um, le croque-monsieur. - Lesausage roll.

150. Come on!

151. Finally, French soil.

152. Vive la France!

153. So that's it. Jeremy, we're coming to get you.

154. That was a fraught fill-up.

155. What a place to put it, when you're in a race.

156. We brought with us a sophisticated

157. and clever tracking device that will enable us

158. to see precisely where Jeremy is at any given time in his Aston Martin,

159. and also plot his speed and his course.

160. He's there, where this is, and he's doing, um...

161. 84 miles an hour. It's a bit weedy, actually.

162. And we're going to be doing 200 miles an hour all the way.

163. - Frankly, he doesn't stand a chance. - No.

164. But our cockiness is short-lived.

165. As the train approaches Paris, Jeremy is already 172 miles south of us,

166. and we have to get across the city to change trains.

167. If we get this train, if we do it on time, we're all right.

168. - Oh, stop wittering, you old woman! - If we miss it...

169. James and I have just 50 minutes to catch the connection to Nice.

170. Oh, it's left!

171. It's 3:59 French time. They are now, as we speak, arriving in Paris.

172. James, just think of Jeremy arriving before us.

173. The just quantity of smugness!

174. My soul is prepared.

175. It's just eating the petrol in one big lump. All 20 gallons.

176. Mmm. That was delicious. You're gonna need some more of that.

177. We're not allowed to take a taxi,

178. so we have to use an incomprehensible underground system

179. from Gare du Nord to Gare de Lyon.

180. Paris-Lyon. It's down there.

181. Right. I've done the calculations on my phone,

182. and it's doing 19 miles to the gallon.

183. Bearing in mind we're only cruising, you'd have to say,

184. it drinks like an Aston should!

185. And James refuses to run on television.

186. So James and Richard are now on an underground train.

187. We've got two stops and we've got 15 minutes to do it in.

188. I admit, it is a bit tight.

189. - Hammond, will you hurry up? - Don't!

190. Shut up!

191. We're catching a train.

192. I just wanted to ring you up and make life difficult.

193. - How long have you got, again, to catch that train? - Minutes.

194. If we don't catch this train...

195. If you don't catch the train, you lose the race.

196. The more I talk to you, the less likely it is we'll be on the train!

197. And now I've lost James!

198. But now, the news.

199. We ought to talk about a few of the cars that have been launched

200. or are about to be launched.

201. First of all, there's a new BMW.

202. And this is interesting because they're going smaller.

203. They've got a car that's going to rival the Golf.

204. It's called the 1 Series, and we've got a picture of it

205. here.

206. Oh, dear.

207. - Ohh! - Now, James, you've been a defender of these

208. the last couple of years, of BMW's new styling. What do you think of that?

209. It looks as if a very fat person's sat in it.

210. - Look. Yeah. Saggy. - Sagged. Prescott.

211. Yeah.

212. - That is ugly. - But, interestingly,

213. it has one thing about it that's worse than its styling.

214. - Is it the price? - The price? Nope, it isn't the price.

215. It is the performance.

216. Naught to 60 in this, the ultimate driving machine,

217. - is 11 seconds. - Ohh.

218. That's not even moving at all. That's from the 1960s.

219. I know. Can we just demonstrate how long 11 seconds is, okay?

220. The new BMW sets off...

221. Ready, steady...

222. Go!

223. - It's doing 60. - Oh, that's agony!

224. You know what's even more embarrassing about this?

225. They will sell millions of them.

226. Millions and millions of people will go out and buy it because it's a BMW.

227. It should really have on the back window, "Moron on board."

228. You've got ages to read it, haven't you, as it crawls past.

229. That's terrible.

230. More cars that have come along this year.

231. Do you remember when Ford promised us the Focus RS?

232. They said it was going to be a road-going rally car with four-wheel drive

233. and 300 brake horsepower and, well, it never happened.

234. - No. They left the homework on the bus. - Yeah.

235. "We had all the plans, Doctor. Poof!"

236. Abducted by aliens on the way to school. It never arrived.

237. Well, this, ladies and gentlemen,

238. is the Fiesta RS. Now if you like the look of that,

239. don't hold your breath, because that won't happen either.

240. But if you do want a hot-ish Fiesta,

241. this will... We've got one in the studio, actually. It's called the Fiesta ST.

242. Now it's a smart-looking little thing. It's arriving later this year.

243. It's gonna have a two-litre, 150 brake horsepower engine.

244. Lots of little sporty, sparkly bits on it. Kind of a modern take on the XR2, really.

245. Nice little thing.

246. It has one big problem.

247. - Its name. ST. You can't call a car an ST. - Why not?

248. Girls?

249. - What? - See, they're laughing. You know,

250. you know, whisper it to me. I know you'll be embarrassed.

251. - Come on. Whisper it to me. - Sanitary towel.

252. It's a sanitary towel.

253. That's what "ST" stands for. Does it?

254. Every girl goes up to the office, "Can I borrow an ST?"

255. Of course, the worst thing is, if they do a diesel version, it'll be an STD!

256. I've got another car that's coming along in August.

257. It's the new MINI Cabriolet.

258. They're going to be doing versions of it. This is the Cooper version, actually.

259. Whoa. What's the noises for? Do you like it?

260. - No. - No!

261. Heck, I do, actually. I think that looks great.

262. Maybe it's the shirt.

263. - How much is it going to cost? - It's going to cost, well,

264. they'll generally be about £2,500 more than the equivalent hardtop.

265. The Cooper S, the supercharged version will be about £17,500, £15,500 for the Cooper.

266. About £13,500 for the MINI one.

267. But, yeah, the MINI isn't... It's not a cheap, small car.

268. It's an expensive small car. And I like that.

269. - It's a metrosexual car. - A what?

270. Metrosexual. It's the new thing. It's for the chap

271. he doesn't want to be too butch, he doesn't want to have, you know,

272. like a big 4X4, and he spends quite a lot of money on hair products...

273. - Don't point at me. - He's interested in shirts.

274. Probably wears cowboy boots. That kind of thing. He's a blend of gay and not gay.

275. - I'm not a metro flaming sexual. - You are a metrosexual.

276. - I can see you in one of those. - Problem here is,

277. how would you know what a metrosexual is?

278. I'm not only in touch with my feminine side, I am in touch with my gay side as well.

279. - You're probably right. - 17,500 grand is where it all goes a bit wrong for me.

280. I think that's a great little car. I look forward to driving one. So there.

281. Now, while we were off having our winter hibernation,

282. Rover got together and did a deal with some car company

283. that nobody's ever heard of in India.

284. And they got a new car together. This is it.

285. It's called the CityRover, and it's not, well...

286. It's not really the sort of thing that we on Top Gear would usually bother with.

287. No, we would never film that and waste your evening showing it to you, okay?

288. But we thought it would be our duty to actually drive it and find out what it's like.

289. So we called up Rover, said, "Can we borrow one?" Nothing unusual in that.

290. - You phone Porsche... - Ferrari, anybody.

291. They just give you a car, you drive.

292. Absolutely. We'll bring it round tomorrow.

293. Phoned up Rover, "We're not lending that to you, matey."

294. Seriously. That's what they said.

295. "Not until hell freezes over. You're not driving one of them, and that's that."

296. And that's that.

297. That confused us. Because why would they be so secretive? What were they hiding?

298. That meant either it was rubbish

299. or it was catastrophically bad.

300. Exactly. So we came up with a challenge.

301. Bear in mind, we'd normally just have ignored it, but we had...

302. Well, how bad is it?

303. So what we did was, we said to James,

304. "James, get dressed up as a kind of Rover customer,

305. "go down to a Rover showroom. Okay?

306. "And borrow one of these, take it on a test drive and see if you can film

307. "a Top Gearreport,

308. "in full, without the salesman noticing."

309. And this is what happened.

310. Right. The dealership's just over there.

311. I haven't seen the car yet, but I do have the brochure.

312. And it looks jolly exciting.

313. It's based on an Indian car called the TATA Indica,

314. which was imported to Britain and then re-badged as a Rover.

315. The engine started life in a Peugeot about

316. 400 years ago. But, of course, it doesn't say any of that in here.

317. It says it's stylish and exciting.

318. Well, let's find out if it is.

319. Because here, in my tie, I've got a secret camera.

320. My pretend girlfriend also has a secret camera hidden in a mobile phone,

321. and we've cunningly positioned undercover camera people all round the test route.

322. Right. If we're not back in 20 minutes, turn over to Heartbeat.

323. Now we can't identify the dealer for lots of boring legal reasons,

324. - but the good news is, I'm in. - Hiya.

325. The bad news is, I haven't quite got the hang of this tie camera.

326. So this is the City Rover?

327. But then we got our act together.

328. Because we had aTop Gear road test to do,

329. starting with interior accommodation.

330. That is quite good rear leg room.

331. That is a most capacious boot.

332. So nice and roomy. But as for interior quality, oh, dear.

333. So I think that Rover have to acknowledge that they can't quite match

334. their German rivals when it comes to interior quality.

335. This does feel like a car from the early '80s.

336. This gear knob, for example, is very, very sharp.

337. The dealer was hovering and obviously thinking

338. I was one of those nutters who talks to himself.

339. But I still had to deliver my verdict on value for money.

340. Now, this is the base 1.4-litre solo.

341. It's £6,500, and for that you get pretty much nothing.

342. Manual. There's no central locking. There's only one airbag.

343. And the radio comes with a cassette player, not a CD player.

344. I have to say that the Daihatsu Charade or new Fiat Panda

345. is rather better-equipped.

346. Because I know the area quite well...

347. I worked out a little route that's about 15, 20 minutes.

348. - Is that okay? - Yeah, no problem.

349. Now for the test drive. And the salesman insists on coming along in the back.

350. Would he notice that I was talking in a bizarre road-testing manner?

351. The gear change is rather old-fashioned on this.

352. It reminds me a bit of the MK1 Vauxhall Cavalier I had in about 1981.

353. To test the brakes, where better than a zebra crossing?

354. And cue theTop Gear pedestrian.

355. Oops, sorry.

356. That's a brake test. They seem to work.

357. Next, ride and handling. There's no convenient twisty B-road round here,

358. so we have to improvise.

359. Even at low speeds, it rolls about badly.

360. But what really bothers me is the ride, which amazingly

361. manages to be bouncy and jarring at the same time.

362. It's so awful that in front of the dealer I come over all polite and British.

363. It does seem to ride quite smoothly.

364. So, to sum up, the interior is low-rent, the ride is poor

365. and you don't get a lot for your money.

366. The only pluses are it's big inside and the 84 horsepower engine does pull well.

367. But, Lord, is it noisy!

368. Anyway, time for an ambitious finale.

369. Will the salesman rumble our Top Gear comparison test,

370. as we bring on the Fiat Panda?

371. Hey, that's a Panda.

372. I think that is actually the basic Active Panda.

373. That's quite interesting because I think the Panda's slightly better-equipped.

374. You do get electric windows, you do get power steering as standard,

375. you do get central locking. It's got two airbags as well,

376. because it has got one for the passenger.

377. And it's about £200 cheaper. It's £6,300.

378. Right. By now, he really does think I'm barking. So it's back to the dealership.

379. And there you go. One completed road test. One unsuspecting dealer.

380. - But only one verdict. - I think I like the Panda more though, if I'm really honest.

381. - That was fantastic! - Thank you.

382. That was great. But, hang on, we've got to be sensible at this.

383. Was that a proper Top Geartest?

384. - Yes! - Was it? It was. Okay.

385. Did he really not rumble you? You looked so shifty.

386. I know. I couldn't believe it. I kept expecting him to say,

387. - "You've got a camera in your tie, haven't you?" - I know!

388. But he didn't. He was so chuffed that someone had come round to drive his car.

389. He'd been sitting there all day...

390. First time it ever happened. Okay, but if it's a proper Top Gearreport,

391. - you've got to give us a verdict. - Okay.

392. So was it rubbish or was it truly dreadful?

393. Okay. This is important.

394. That is the worst car I've driven on this programme.

395. Okay.

396. Actually, it's quite funny when you think about it.

397. All those years we were exploiting India,

398. and now they're getting their own back on us with that thing.

399. Okay. Time now to meet our guest for the evening.

400. Before she became a household face on Cold Feet,

401. she was once eaten by Robert De Niro.

402. Ladies and gentlemen, Fay Ripley!

403. - Hello, darling. - Hello.

404. - How are you? - Good.

405. Have a seat.

406. - Eaten by Robert De Niro? - Well, strictly speaking, I wasn't eaten.

407. - I was actually strangled. - Oh, strangled, was it?

408. A far more sophisticated way to die.

409. - What was that in? - That was in Frankenstein.

410. To be honest, it was actually the stand-in for Robert De Niro

411. that did me.

412. So you weren't even...

413. Helena Bonham Carter got Robert De Niro.

414. I got Fred, or whatever his name was.

415. - And then they cut you out of the film. - They did, yes.

416. But I looked it up on the Internet. This was your big break, wasn't it?

417. - Your big... The big break. - Yeah, it was.

418. And it just says in the credits... In fact, I've got it here.

419. - Um... "Fay Ripley..." Ready? - Yeah.

420. - Have you seen what this says? - No.

421. "Whore. Scenes deleted."

422. Welcome to my life.

423. Well, I was about to say... Let's go on to cars.

424. Was the start to your motoring career a little more auspicious than that?

425. I had a MINI as my first car.

426. Well, I never had it.

427. I mean, it was on its way to me, parked in Tottenham Court Road.

428. It was nicked, in fact.

429. - What, before you got it? - Just before I got it, yes.

430. - Ooh! - Yes.

431. So what did you replace it with?

432. - Of course. - Yeah.

433. - And how did that one go? - I wrote that one off.

434. Well, I didn't write it off. Obviously, the idiot who hit me

435. - wrote it off. - Yeah.

436. Admittedly while I was singing along to Three Times a Lady

437. - and doing my lipstick. - The Commodores.

438. Oh, and doing your lipstick when he crashed into you? Stupid man!

439. He was busy driving or something.

440. Actually, I think we managed to get away with knock for knock on it.

441. Whatever the hell "knock for knock" means.

442. I thought it was sexual, but apparently it's a legal term.

443. That means you weren't putting lipstick on at the time.

444. Right. Ooh, I must've lied.

445. Oops!

446. What annoys you most then on the road as you drive around?

447. Um... God, a couple of things. Probably...

448. Uh, road rage is a thing probably for me.

449. I've grown out of road rage. Do you know what I mean?

450. When I was younger, I used to give the finger and, in fact, take the finger.

451. Uh, but, uh... Sorry.

452. - Those days are gone. - When other people do it...

453. I was sort of involved in some road rage incidents,

454. one in particular, when I was in the Swiss Cottage triangle,

455. which is always packed full of cars, basically.

456. You never go anywhere in that.

457. And, uh, I got into an altercation with another woman.

458. Again, I felt safe because she was another woman and I thought, "Well, okay,

459. "we're on the same ground." She actually had kids in the back of her car.

460. Um, and it started getting a bit out of control.

461. I was going for the Islington angle.

462. "We're two grown women, surely we can sort this out in a pleasant way.

463. "Perhaps you can come over for a coffee,

464. "and we can draw a diagram of the crash that you almost made happen."

465. At one point I realised that she was actually driving at me.

466. And I was going, "Now, listen, you really... Oh!

467. "Oh, I see, you're actually going to run me over."

468. So I had to do a sort of...

469. Hurl myself over the bonnet of my

470. Honda Prelude, if you want to know.

471. And, uh, there were tears, there were witnesses

472. and I was running around taking numbers of everyone.

473. I went out to the local police station and they not very politely asked me to leave.

474. - Why? - I wanted to just sue her, them,

475. Honda, for their awful bonnet.

476. And I just couldn't understand it.

477. Anyway, their excuse is that I said... It was attempted murder, was my point.

478. I went in and said, "Here's the crime, it's attempted murder.

479. "She just tried to run me over." And their point was,

480. "You shouldn't have been in the middle of the road, madam. She's a car,

481. "you're a girl."

482. It's the police, you see. They are unused to modern conditions

483. now they've got so many speed cameras.

484. They're unaware that actually there are cars on the road

485. and they get close to one another from time to time.

486. - Well... - Because they're so busy catching burglars.

487. - Making a great job of it. - Yes.

488. Okay, listen, you came here to be our star in a reasonably priced car.

489. - Yes. - Would you like to see?

490. - Yes. - Here it is!

491. Well, that's an ambitious start.

492. - Are you a fast driver normally? - No, not at all.

493. - Really cautious? - Captain cautious.

494. Whoa!

495. That was over-steer in a front-wheel-drive car.

496. Whoa.

497. Too fast through there.

498. I'm squealing like a virgin here.

499. Oh.

500. Ahh...

501. You look like Captain Cautious behind the wheel, but look at that!

502. Ahhh!

503. This one's hard.

504. Apart from your language, which is poor...

505. Your diving's very good. Oh, you're off. That's on the grass!

506. And here we go. Last corner.

507. Yes, very tidy.

508. Very tidy, actually, and across the line, everybody.

509. How was The Stig? Was he nice to you?

510. Oh, I love The Stig.

511. - Was he nice? - He was more than nice.

512. He was more than nice?

513. 'Cause he said that when you first started going round, you were doing it in...

514. - And this is your first few laps. - Yeah.

515. Two minutes and four seconds.

516. - Which is Whiteley-esque. - Right.

517. Not the worst, but not something you can go home tonight and shout about.

518. - Frankly, two minutes, four seconds. - Right.

519. But then when we actually got the clock out for your official lap,

520. the one we've just seen,

521. - you went round in one minute... - Ooh!

522. - ... fifty-three... - Ooh!

523. ... point three seconds.

524. Which means...

525. Which means

526. you're faster than Tara, who has had

527. - a lightning jet since she was four, in fact. - Yes.

528. - You are actually... - Actually, can I say,

529. I'm up further than that.

530. - Have I done it wrong? - Yes!

531. I've done it completely wrong, look.

532. - You're absolutely right. - Don't cheat me!

533. You're as fast as Vinnie Jones!

534. I beat Steve Coogan.

535. You've beaten Steve Coogan, and you're a better person than Stephen Fry.

536. Yes!

537. No, he was on a mildly moist track.

538. I would bid for a mildly moist.

539. Was it mildly moist?

540. - Yes. - It was.

541. So that's a mildly moist 1:53.3.

542. Anyway, thank you very much for coming in today.

543. Ladies and gentlemen, Fay Ripley.

544. Now, for those of you who've just joined us, we are in the middle of a race.

545. Okay, here's a board showing you what's going on.

546. It's between James and Richard on that fast train service,

547. down from the studio here in Surrey to Monte-Carlo.

548. And I'm driving an Aston Martin DB9.

549. Now, when we left the action, I was sort of here,

550. heading towards Dijon.

551. And they were rushing through Paris to catch the TGV express.

552. You've caught it then?

553. We'll be accelerating up to 200 miles an hour and leaving you behind in our dust.

554. Will you get 200 miles an hour out of your head?

555. The train does not go 200 miles an hour.

556. 186 then.

557. That's not as fast as a DB9.

558. It's a lot faster than you're going to be going. Enjoy your trip.

559. Uh, I think I'll have another bottle of Diet Coke now.

560. Yeah, we'll maybe order the wine as soon as we get underway.

561. Talk to you later, bye-bye.

562. We're not actually the first people to do this, you know.

563. There's this racing driver here called Woolf Barnato.

564. Somebody challenged him to get from Cannes to England

565. in the time it took the Blue Train,

566. which was the famous posh tourist train from the south of France,

567. to get from Cannes to Calais.

568. He got to the Conservative Club in St James's, London,

569. four minutes before the train reached Calais.

570. - What did he go in? - A Bentley Speed 6.

571. Was he a 7' tall, curly haired yob?

572. No, interestingly, that's one difference, is that he was a rather dashing chap.

573. I'm now about halfway into the journey.

574. No backache, not uncomfortable. I'm not tired, my ears aren't bleeding.

575. So this car is as comfortable as an Aston should be.

576. One thing I cannot stand about this car's big brother,

577. the Vanquish, is it's flappy paddle gearbox.

578. It doesn't work, and it breaks all the time.

579. That's because the paddles are attached to a manual gearbox,

580. whereas in this they're attached to a six-speed automatic.

581. You don't get a gear lever. Nothing at all.

582. All the gears are selected by buttons on the dashboard.

583. So you push "D", and then it's a completely normal automatic,

584. just like any other auto you've ever driven.

585. However, when you pull one of the paddles, like so, it changes down.

586. Pull it again, blitz the engine,

587. it drops it into third and then you're off!

588. Like a scalded cock!

589. There's his location on the map.

590. How has he done that?

591. By going very, very quickly.

592. - He must have absolutely caned it from Lyon. - Yes.

593. I suspect that he must be on fire.

594. The front must be glowing red.

595. This gearbox works nearer double-declutching.

596. Oh! In an auto!

597. And it's not only the gearbox that impresses.

598. Because it's so light and modern,

599. I thought that it would flow from bend to bend, like a Ferrari or a Porsche.

600. Like it doesn't really need your help.

601. But actually they've made the steering quite heavy.

602. It feels like there's a big lump up there.

603. A great, big, solid, British suet pudding of an engine.

604. And that means, when you kiss an apex

605. just right, and you will, 'cause the handling is brilliant,

606. you feel like you did it, like you're responsible. It was all your own work,

607. not the car's.

608. It flatters you.

609. Unfortunately, however,

610. it doesn't matter how good the car is,

611. it's choked by the French speed limits.

612. The Aston was reined in so badly, in fact,

613. that with 200 miles to go, the train tore past.

614. - We are ahead! - We are ahead!

615. Now the fight really hots up.

616. I love today.

617. Today's a big tick in my life box.

618. A big, "Yes. That was a good day."

619. It'd be even better though if I could win.

620. So let's get on with it.

621. I have just one slim chance.

622. They've got to go further than me.

623. They're on a train which is gonna wiggle around now, going where it wants to go,

624. not where they want to go.

625. Me, on the other hand, I'm proceeding directly.

626. No more fuel stops to Monte-Carlo.

627. So don't bet on the train just yet.

628. Now that I'm down in the south,

629. on the twisty motorway going up to Monte-Carlo,

630. the car's changed from being a comfortable long-distance cruiser

631. into being this kind of savage sports car.

632. It feels like a brute, which is exactly what an Aston should feel like.

633. With 100 miles to go, the train slows down along the coast,

634. and the gap is starting to shrink.

635. And at Nice, even though we're just 15 miles from Monte-Carlo,

636. we need to make another train change.

637. - Stop pacing now. - I can't.

638. I don't just like this car, I love it.

639. - Right now, Jeremy's going... - I know.

640. It feels like motoring perfection.

641. If you don't mind just getting out of the way, Frenchie.

642. I've got a train to catch.

643. Keep going up!

644. This is it. This is it.

645. Come on, James. To lose it now...

646. This sodding bag!

647. Come on! Last bit. It is down here.

648. Come on!

649. Ooh! Ooh!

650. Why didn't we bring a map?

651. James! Come on!

652. Oh, that's bad.

653. Oh, I haven't the heart to tell him.

654. - It's all over, mate. - Oh, cock.

655. Evening.

656. I don't know if you've noticed something here.

657. You two look very stressed and tired, I'm very relaxed.

658. There's a degree of perspiration going on.

659. I think the important thing that we've proved today

660. is that no matter how good public transport is,

661. no matter how much it runs like clockwork,

662. it'll never be a match for a car.

663. And what a car we used to prove the point,

664. the fly-spattered DB9,

665. which isn't just better than a train...

666. It's more loveable and it's more rounded than a Bentley Continental GT.

667. It's better than a Ferrari 575.

668. It's better than a Vanquish, principally because it's got

669. a better gearbox and it's prettier,

670. and at £103,000,

671. it's considerably less expensive than all its rivals.

672. But you know the best thing about it?

673. It's a proper, pukka, 100%, real,

674. fabulous, glorious, exquisite, magnificent Aston Martin.

675. So we have managed to clear that up. Okay?

676. An Aston is better than a train.

677. Now it's time to clear up the Aston Martin.

678. It used to be very simple because they only made one car.

679. No, really, they only did make one car.

680. But now they've got Ford money, look at this, they make three!

681. And they all look exactly the same!

682. But there are subtle differences.

683. This is the Vanquish. £160,000,

684. V12 engine, V silly gearbox, V popular with footballers.

685. This is the DB9. Very, very fast, same engine as that,

686. £103,000 for the hardtop,

687. £107,000 for the convertible version.

688. And then next year, we're getting this!

689. The AM V8 Vantage.

690. That's gonna be £70,000.

691. Go against the 911.

692. And there'll be a convertible version!

693. So really what I'm saying is, the three best cars in the world are all British!

694. Right. Big moment, new series and it's the return of the Cool Wall.

695. It's brilliant to see it back.

696. Let's get some new stuff on the wall.

697. And, first of all, we saw it earlier on, the CityRover.

698. It's rubbish, yes. The problem is, it's not even a real Rover,

699. so it's actually trying to be something that's uncool anyway.

700. Which, frankly, it's gotta be. Is it?

701. - Is it Uncool, or is it... - Seriously Uncool.

702. Normally, I like to argue with the audience, go around, have a bit...

703. But, no, you're right.

704. - This is a very easy one. - Oh, I agree again.

705. - Ferrari. - Very easy.

706. This is a Ferrari 612 Scaglietti.

707. Now, this is a sophisticated, elegant, four-seater Ferrari,

708. replaces the 456, absolutely beautiful.

709. This clearly is Cool, if not Sub Zero.

710. As we said in the last series,

711. this was styled, and I'm not joking,

712. by a man called Ken.

713. That is a problem.

714. Now, Ken is a good name if you're a football referee.

715. It's a good name if you're a plasterer.

716. But a Ferrari designer? It's not cool!

717. No, there's been some cool Kens out there.

718. Name a cool Ken.

719. There is, um, a Ken Hom.

720. - Ken Livingstone. - Ken Livingstone.

721. Oh, thanks for helping me out.

722. My case rests. Can anyone think of a cool Ken?

723. - Kenny Ball. - Kenny Ball.

724. It's getting worse.

725. - This is really difficult. - We got one over here.

726. - Well, actually... - Who?

727. - Barbie and Ken. - Barbie and Ken?

728. He doesn't even have a penis.

729. - That's true. - He has a mound.

730. So that leaves us with this.

731. - Sub Zero. - Aston Martin DB9.

732. Okay, can I hear anything other than Sub Zero?

733. - Any advance on Sub Zero? - Dry Ice.

734. - Minus 40. - Minus 40.

735. Do you know, you're all wrong.

736. Uncool?

737. - It's not Sub Zero. - Uncool.

738. We have had to build a new section for it.

739. The DB9 section, and it's a fridge.

740. There it is.

741. Excellent.

742. Now sales of the Lotus Elise

743. have plummeted in recent years,

744. and Lotus decided to increase those sales.

745. "Let's start selling it in America for the first time."

746. But to do that, they had to put a new engine in it

747. to meet all daft American engine emissions rubbish.

748. So they got one out of a Toyota.

749. Ah! Don't mock, because it is an amazing combination.

750. Toyota Celica engine in a little car like this.

751. Worked brilliantly, so they thought, "Hang on.

752. "That goes well, why don't we do a hardtop,

753. "hardcore version?"

754. This is it. The Exige.

755. It weighs less than a ton, but you get 190 brake horsepower.

756. That's like putting a Saturn V rocket in a food blender.

757. It does naught to 60 in 4.9 seconds.

758. Flat-out, you'll be going 147.

759. And it's actually quite a sophisticated engine.

760. You get two camshafts, one for economy and one for power.

761. And there's a Lotus computer, which manages the transition between the two.

762. You get to 6,200 rpm

763. when a normal engine would be running out of steam.

764. Here we go.

765. There's actually a step, a jerk, as it goes onto the power cam.

766. And you get even more.

767. Whoa!

768. And the best thing is that when you drop down a gear

769. to go round a corner on a track like this,

770. when you're really going for it,

771. it always stays above that magical 6,200 rpm.

772. So you've always got the power.

773. But strangely, speed is not the key to this car.

774. And despite the rather steep £30,000 price tag, nor is sophistication.

775. Certainly, you don't look very sophisticated when you're getting out of it.

776. And then, there's the interior you've left behind.

777. Yes, you've got a stereo that plays your MP3s and air-conditioning

778. and electric windows.

779. But all these things, are optional extras and so are the carpets,

780. and so even the sun visors.

781. To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is,

782. you need to look through the rear window.

783. Back there, you've got chicken wire, BacoFoil and Tupperware.

784. It's kind of like peering into one of your granny's old kitchen cabinets.

785. So if it's not built for speed or comfort, what's this car for then?

786. Well, um, this.

787. It corners like a housefly.

788. It's not just better than an Elise,

789. it's better than just about anything.

790. And here's why.

791. The front splitter and the rear spoiler

792. work together to create real down force, like you get with a Formula 1 car.

793. Its tyres are as slick as the law allows,

794. and you get racing suspension.

795. Add that lot together and the effect is astonishing!

796. Everything just goes mental!

797. To come up with something to match it, you have to think vertically.

798. This might do the trick.

799. It's an Apache helicopter gunship.

800. It's not the fastest helicopter in the world,

801. it'll only do 163 miles an hour,

802. and nor is it the most manoeuvrable.

803. But it is the ugliest, and it does pack the deadliest punch.

804. It carries 12 Hellfire missiles, 72 rockets,

805. and it has a cannon which points wherever the pilot is looking

806. and fires 10 high-explosive rounds a second.

807. The thing that interests me most of all about the Apache though is its radar,

808. because, you see, you can pop up from behind a tree or a hill eight kilometres away,

809. it'll have a look at the battlefield,

810. it'll recognise 256 targets,

811. prioritise the 16 most dangerous at that given moment

812. and destroy all of them.

813. And it'll do all that in 28 seconds.

814. Great. But in a single lap of our track, can it get missile lock on our Lotus?

815. The best helicopter gunship in the world,

816. flown by the best pilots in the world, the British Army.

817. Against the best-handling car in the world,

818. driven by an idiot.

819. They'd win easily if they went a long way away, but we've instructed the pilots

820. to stay within the confines of the track.

821. Let's go.

822. Target is identified.

823. God, that is not something you see every day,

824. a gunship in your rear view mirror.

825. I'm gonna turn around and go the other way, hope they're ready for that.

826. I'm not exactly a tank, matey boy.

827. Because this is black and plastic, it's hard to get radar lock.

828. It's like an F-117 Nighthawk.

829. It's not that I'm an overgrown schoolboy or anything, but this is really good fun.

830. I can out-brake and I can outturn the helicopter.

831. But 1.5 seconds after I've made the move,

832. you look in the door mirror and, boom, there it is.

833. At one point I hid beneath its soft American underbelly.

834. But it just blew me out again.

835. The car is moving in the downdraught!

836. That helicopter is the ugliest machine I have ever seen.

837. It's so ugly, it's almost beautiful.

838. Not when it's in the rear-view mirror.

839. It's right behind me!

840. Wow! So did the chopper get missile lock on you?

841. No. They didn't. That's how amazing this car was.

842. I mean, I'm told by the pilot

843. that in that kind of situation, they would have just used

844. the cannon on me and cut me in half.

845. - Ooh, nice. - With the cannon.

846. But missile lock, this thing can actually evade it.

847. - It's phenomenal. - That is incredible.

848. But who'd like to see what happened when the helicopter did what it's supposed to do,

849. and pop up from behind some trees two miles away

850. and have a go at him from there?

851. Yes.

852. Target, my line of sight.

853. Target identified.

854. Tracking, radar locked.

855. Missile locked. Firing.

856. Two, one, impact.

857. Target destroyed.

858. That was almost perfect.

859. Just one thing. How come you're not in little tiny bits?

860. Think about it.

861. This is the British Army. Here they are, in fact.

862. The guys that were... There's the guy that flew the helicopter.

863. Well done, that was incredible.

864. The Elise has managed to evade missile lock in the track.

865. But how will it get on against

866. all the other cars we have round here on the track?

867. Time, I think, to move over to Defcon Stig.

868. Away he goes. Lots of wheel spin there

869. on what is a slightly damp track.

870. Now, straight line power could be the Exige's Achilles heel.

871. But it really will make up for it through the bends. Look at that!

872. Oh, dear. The Stig has bought a power-ballad album,

873. which he wants to play for us over this series.

874. Hasn't affected his driving though.

875. Oh, he's pushing it!

876. Okay, down to Hammerhead.

877. See, look how it just sits on the line.

878. Flat-out. Look at that. Look at it! It's unbelievable.

879. Coming to the Follow Through. Is he gonna lift?

880. Absolutely flat-out through the Follow Through, which is unbelievable.

881. Nearly slick tyres on wet tarmac.

882. Should be tricky. Looking good so far.

883. Can he keep it together? This is the penultimate corner.

884. Is he going on the grass? No. Kept it off.

885. The final corner.

886. Ooh, it's so neat and tidy and across the line.

887. You've gotta bear in mind that was a 1.8-litre car, Toyota engine,

888. virtually slick tyres on a wet track.

889. So it would be

890. unbelievable if it went faster than a Honda NSX Type-R.

891. - You know, 1:31.6. Yeah? - Yeah.

892. And it would be ridiculous if it went faster than a 911 Turbo.

893. Did it in 1:31, on a wet track.

894. - It went round in one minute, 26.9 seconds. - What?

895. - That is... - That's amazing!

896. That's the sixth-fastest car we've ever had here,

897. - and it's a 1.8. - That's astonishing.

898. - And this has been quite an astonishing show. - Oh, yes.

899. Helicopter gunships, races to the south of France, and next week,

900. it gets even more amazing, 'cause he tries to be black,

901. he tries to be pink

902. and I get to drive much too fast round corners in the new McLaren Mercedes SLR.

903. See you then. Good night.