1. On today's show,
a brilliant new car
from Aston Martin,
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2. an awful new car from Rover
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3. and a ballistic cockroach
from Norfolk.
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4. Hello. Good evening.
Welcome to the new series,
and phew, frankly.
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5. We thought 2004 was going
to be the dreariest year
ever for new cars.
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6. We thought we were gonna
have to fill the show up with
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7. Britain's Noisiest
Windscreen Wipers and
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8. When Cup-Holders Attack.
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9. But we were wrong.
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10. 2004 is an amazing year
for new cars.
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11. It's a complete blizzard
of horsepower.
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12. This time of the year,
all those middle-class
dinner parties,
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13. people are talking about how
to get to the south of France.
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14. What's the quickest way?
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15. And the answer is,
you get on that new train,
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16. you go straight through
the tunnel to gay Paris,
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17. then you change onto the TGV,
which is the fastest train
in the world, I think.
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18. All the way to the south
coast of France
with a gin and tonic.
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19. I agree, actually.
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20. Those trains are incredible,
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21. 186 miles an hour,
and some people reckon
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22. it's actually a quicker way
to the south of France than
a plane, let alone a car.
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23. Twaddle.
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24. Rubbish. No train can
be faster than cars.
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25. Not possible. Okay?
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26. And to prove the point,
I organised an epic race.
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27. This was the route.
We were going to meet
at 8:00 in the morning
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28. here at the studio
in the middle of Surrey,
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29. and then we would race
to the south of France. Okay?
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30. Now, they would be on
one of their very fast trains,
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31. and I would be
in a very fast car.
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32. Which one? That's obvious.
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33. The new Aston Martin DB9.
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34. Okay, the rules of this
are very simple.
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35. They are not allowed to
use any form of car,
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36. I'm not allowed
to use any form of train,
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37. and the winner is the first
one to the Cafe de Paris,
Casino Square, Monte-Carlo.
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38. See you, chaps.
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39. Well, he'll probably
get to the end
of the lane before us.
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40. Once we're on
that train, there is no way
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41. can that car beat
us to Monte-Carlo.
It's impossible.
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42. In an ordinary car, I agree.
It may well be impossible.
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43. But this is no ordinary car.
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44. The old DB7, really,
that was just a Jag in drag.
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45. It was an XJS
in a party frock.
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46. This is completely different.
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47. It's made in
a brand-new factory,
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48. using space-age materials
and sci-fi production
techniques.
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49. Is that heavy?
Yeah.
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50. No, I mean,
like, really heavy?
Yeah.
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51. You get a sense
of that modernness.
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52. In here, I've got loads
more space than you
used to get in the DB7.
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53. And look at the dash.
It's aluminium,
it's pale woods,
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54. you got dials like you get
on a techno marine watch.
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55. You get a split-screen SATNAV:
you get hands-free phone.
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56. It's as bang up-to-date and
as modern and as clean
and as crisp as...
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57. As the departure lounge
at a Swiss airport.
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58. By the time the boys
had walked the two miles
to the local bus stop,
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59. I had covered 40.
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60. Everything was going fine,
until I reached the outskirts
of Dover,
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61. where I hit traffic.
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62. Get out of the way,
you Polish lorry!
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63. Why are you cluttering
up our roads
with Latvian milk?
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64. - Morning.
- Can we have two
to Guildford, please?
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65. - £5.60, please.
- £5.60?
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66. If I don't catch
this 10:00 ferry,
I'm out of the race.
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67. That's a design I perfected
on the school bus.
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68. Three, two, one, throw.
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69. Thank you very much.
That was excellent.
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70. Yes!
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71. We are in business!
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72. Okay, I'm about to get on
the Seacat, which will get me
to France in 60 minutes.
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73. But, before I get on,
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74. I have one concern
about the car.
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75. It is spectacularly
good-looking
and it is very modern.
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76. But in my lifetime,
Astons have always
been very British cars.
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77. Big, heavy, dark, damp, green,
like kind of jet-propelled
stately homes,
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78. merlin-engined shire horses,
and I'm not sure this is.
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79. It may be a good car.
It may well be a great car.
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80. But is it an Aston?
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81. Jeremy,
hello, where are you?
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82. I'm at the docks,
I'm about to get on the boat.
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83. - He's already at the docks.
- Where are you?
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84. Um, yeah.
We're in Guildford station.
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85. So you're
only at Guildford, and
I'm at the Channel.
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86. Give it a few hours,
and we'll be at least 150
miles ahead. I promise you.
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87. I'm gonna win this.
You're not.
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88. A car cannot beat the train
once we're on the other side
of the Channel.
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89. They still think
they're going to win.
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90. - Sorry.
- Now that's
what I call moving!
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91. - What a nice day.
- It is a gorgeous day.
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92. Look at that! I wonder
where they are now?
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93. I'm all right, really. No.
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94. Right. It's 11:15 UK time,
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95. which means Jeremy has
just driven off the Seacat.
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96. We're only
at London Waterloo,
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97. but we're going
onto the Eurostar
all the way to Paris.
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98. This is where we catch up.
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99. At last,
the French motorways.
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100. Now I can really
open the taps
and find out if the DB9
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101. is a proper Aston.
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102. This car absolutely flies.
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103. It's got a six-litre
V12 engine that develops
460 brake horsepower.
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104. It's actually more powerful
per ton than a Vanquish.
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105. That means it does
naught to 60
in four-and-a-half seconds.
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106. Top speed?
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107. 190!
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108. What I'm trying to say is
that it's definitely got
the power of an Aston.
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109. It also makes
a fabulous noise.
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110. Listen to that.
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111. This is how you beat
the French,
shouting at them.
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112. But when you
settle down to a cruise,
it stops shouting.
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113. It starts to sing
a gentle ballad.
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114. Naturally, being an Aston,
it wasn't long before
it attracted some attention.
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115. - May.
- Yes, hello, Jeremy.
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116. I've got the gendarmes
just all over me.
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117. - I think he's being nicked
by the rozzers.
- Oh...
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118. - Have they stopped you?
- They just keep
coming alongside
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119. and they just go,
"Quicker! Quicker!"
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120. Rubbish. You're making it up.
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121. This is the great thing
about driving is the police
come along in France,
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122. and then just want you
to go quicker.
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123. How's that, Mr Gendarme?
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124. Well, so far, Jeremy's had it
pretty much all his own way
in his Aston Martin,
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125. while we've carried
heavy bags,
walked, caught buses
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126. and got on small trains.
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127. Now, though, things change
because we're on
the big train, so
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128. we'll hit nearly 200 miles
an hour on the way
from here to Dover.
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129. Then it's 60 miles an hour
through the tunnel.
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130. And then the best part
of 200 miles an hour
all the way across France.
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131. - What? Is that him?
- It is.
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132. Excellent.
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133. Bonjour, MonsieurClarkson.
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134. May, I want to know
where you are.
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135. We are on the Eurostar
train, in enormous comfort,
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136. looking forward to
the first-class lunch.
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137. - Would you like a drink?
- I think
it could be champagne.
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138. - I'll have champagne as well.
- Thank you very much.
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139. As they headed for
the Channel tunnel, I was
already in champagne country.
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140. But it wasn't me
who needed a drink.
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141. This is not good.
I've got the fuel
warning light on.
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142. This is gonna be
a Formula 1-style
pit stop, this is.
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143. - Here we go. Way-hay!
- Ooh, that's it.
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144. Where's the fuel
filler cap button?
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145. I'll have the white Bordeaux.
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146. Why don't they put them
in the same place?
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147. Have you ever seen a more
stupid place to put
a fuel-filler-cap release?
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148. I suppose Jeremy could
probably have a pasty
or something, or a pork pie.
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149. - Leburger or, um,
le croque-monsieur.
- Lesausage roll.
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150. Come on!
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151. Finally, French soil.
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152. Vive la France!
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153. So that's it. Jeremy,
we're coming to get you.
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154. That was
a fraught fill-up.
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155. What a place to put it,
when you're in a race.
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156. We brought with us
a sophisticated
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157. and clever tracking device
that will enable us
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158. to see precisely where
Jeremy is at any given time
in his Aston Martin,
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159. and also plot
his speed and his course.
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160. He's there, where this is,
and he's doing, um...
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161. 84 miles an hour.
It's a bit weedy, actually.
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162. And we're going to be doing
200 miles an hour all the way.
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163. - Frankly, he doesn't
stand a chance.
- No.
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164. But our cockiness
is short-lived.
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165. As the train approaches Paris,
Jeremy is already
172 miles south of us,
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166. and we have to
get across the city
to change trains.
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167. If we get this train,
if we do it on time,
we're all right.
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168. - Oh, stop wittering,
you old woman!
- If we miss it...
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169. James and I have
just 50 minutes to catch
the connection to Nice.
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170. Oh, it's left!
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171. It's 3:59 French time.
They are now, as we speak,
arriving in Paris.
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172. James, just think of Jeremy
arriving before us.
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173. The just quantity of smugness!
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174. My soul is prepared.
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175. It's just eating the petrol in
one big lump. All 20 gallons.
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176. Mmm. That was
delicious. You're gonna
need some more of that.
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177. We're not allowed
to take a taxi,
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178. so we have to use
an incomprehensible
underground system
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179. from Gare du Nord
to Gare de Lyon.
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180. Paris-Lyon.
It's down there.
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181. Right. I've done
the calculations
on my phone,
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182. and it's doing
19 miles to the gallon.
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183. Bearing in mind we're only
cruising, you'd have to say,
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184. it drinks like
an Aston should!
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185. And James refuses
to run on television.
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186. So James and Richard are now
on an underground train.
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187. We've got two stops
and we've got 15 minutes
to do it in.
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188. I admit,
it is a bit tight.
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189. - Hammond,
will you hurry up?
- Don't!
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190. Shut up!
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191. We're catching a train.
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192. I just wanted
to ring you up
and make life difficult.
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193. - How long have you got, again,
to catch that train?
- Minutes.
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194. If we don't
catch this train...
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195. If you don't
catch the train,
you lose the race.
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196. The more I talk to you,
the less likely it is
we'll be on the train!
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197. And now I've lost James!
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198. But now, the news.
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199. We ought to talk about
a few of the cars that
have been launched
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200. or are about to be launched.
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201. First of all,
there's a new BMW.
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202. And this is interesting
because they're going smaller.
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203. They've got a car that's
going to rival the Golf.
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204. It's called the 1 Series,
and we've got
a picture of it
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205. here.
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206. Oh, dear.
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207. - Ohh!
- Now, James, you've
been a defender of these
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208. the last couple of years,
of BMW's new styling.
What do you think of that?
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209. It looks as if a very
fat person's sat in it.
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210. - Look. Yeah. Saggy.
- Sagged. Prescott.
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211. Yeah.
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212. - That is ugly.
- But, interestingly,
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213. it has one thing about it
that's worse than its styling.
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214. - Is it the price?
- The price? Nope,
it isn't the price.
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215. It is the performance.
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216. Naught to 60 in this,
the ultimate driving machine,
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217. - is 11 seconds.
- Ohh.
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218. That's not even
moving at all.
That's from the 1960s.
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219. I know. Can we just
demonstrate how long
11 seconds is, okay?
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220. The new BMW sets off...
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221. Ready, steady...
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222. Go!
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223. - It's doing 60.
- Oh, that's agony!
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224. You know what's even more
embarrassing about this?
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225. They will sell
millions of them.
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226. Millions and millions
of people will go out and
buy it because it's a BMW.
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227. It should really have
on the back window,
"Moron on board."
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228. You've got ages
to read it, haven't you,
as it crawls past.
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229. That's terrible.
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230. More cars that have
come along this year.
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231. Do you remember when Ford
promised us the Focus RS?
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232. They said it was going to be
a road-going rally car
with four-wheel drive
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233. and 300 brake horsepower
and, well, it never happened.
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234. - No. They left the homework
on the bus.
- Yeah.
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235. "We had all the plans,
Doctor. Poof!"
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236. Abducted by aliens on the way
to school. It never arrived.
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237. Well, this,
ladies and gentlemen,
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238. is the Fiesta RS.
Now if you like
the look of that,
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239. don't hold your breath,
because that
won't happen either.
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240. But if you do want
a hot-ish Fiesta,
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241. this will... We've got one
in the studio, actually.
It's called the Fiesta ST.
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242. Now it's a smart-looking
little thing. It's arriving
later this year.
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243. It's gonna have a two-litre,
150 brake horsepower engine.
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244. Lots of little sporty, sparkly
bits on it. Kind of a modern
take on the XR2, really.
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245. Nice little thing.
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246. It has one big problem.
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247. - Its name. ST. You can't
call a car an ST.
- Why not?
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248. Girls?
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249. - What?
- See, they're laughing.
You know,
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250. you know, whisper it to me.
I know you'll be embarrassed.
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251. - Come on. Whisper it to me.
- Sanitary towel.
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252. It's a sanitary towel.
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253. That's what
"ST" stands for.
Does it?
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254. Every girl goes up to
the office,
"Can I borrow an ST?"
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255. Of course, the worst thing is,
if they do a diesel version,
it'll be an STD!
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256. I've got another car
that's coming along in August.
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257. It's the new MINI Cabriolet.
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258. They're going to be
doing versions of it. This is
the Cooper version, actually.
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259. Whoa. What's the noises for?
Do you like it?
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260. - No.
- No!
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261. Heck, I do, actually.
I think that looks great.
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262. Maybe it's the shirt.
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263. - How much is it going to cost?
- It's going to cost, well,
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264. they'll generally be
about £2,500 more than
the equivalent hardtop.
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265. The Cooper S, the supercharged
version will be about £17,500,
£15,500 for the Cooper.
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266. About £13,500
for the MINI one.
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267. But, yeah, the MINI isn't...
It's not a cheap, small car.
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268. It's an expensive small car.
And I like that.
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269. - It's a metrosexual car.
- A what?
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270. Metrosexual.
It's the new thing.
It's for the chap
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271. he doesn't want to be
too butch, he doesn't want
to have, you know,
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272. like a big 4X4, and he spends
quite a lot of money
on hair products...
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273. - Don't point at me.
- He's interested in shirts.
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274. Probably wears cowboy boots.
That kind of thing. He's
a blend of gay and not gay.
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275. - I'm not a metro
flaming sexual.
- You are a metrosexual.
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276. - I can see you
in one of those.
- Problem here is,
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277. how would you know
what a metrosexual is?
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278. I'm not only in touch with my
feminine side, I am in touch
with my gay side as well.
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279. - You're probably right.
- 17,500 grand is where it all
goes a bit wrong for me.
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280. I think that's a great
little car. I look forward
to driving one. So there.
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281. Now, while we were off having
our winter hibernation,
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282. Rover got together and did a
deal with some car company
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283. that nobody's
ever heard of in India.
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284. And they got
a new car together.
This is it.
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285. It's called the CityRover,
and it's not, well...
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286. It's not really the sort
of thing that we on Top Gear
would usually bother with.
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287. No, we would never film
that and waste your evening
showing it to you, okay?
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288. But we thought it would be
our duty to actually drive it
and find out what it's like.
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289. So we called up Rover,
said, "Can we borrow one?"
Nothing unusual in that.
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290. - You phone Porsche...
- Ferrari, anybody.
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291. They just give you a car,
you drive.
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292. Absolutely. We'll bring it
round tomorrow.
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293. Phoned up Rover,
"We're not lending that
to you, matey."
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294. Seriously.
That's what they said.
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295. "Not until hell freezes over.
You're not driving one
of them, and that's that."
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296. And that's that.
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297. That confused us. Because why
would they be so secretive?
What were they hiding?
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298. That meant either
it was rubbish
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299. or it was
catastrophically bad.
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300. Exactly. So we came up
with a challenge.
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301. Bear in mind, we'd normally
just have ignored it,
but we had...
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302. Well, how bad is it?
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303. So what we did was,
we said to James,
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304. "James, get dressed up
as a kind of Rover customer,
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305. "go down to a Rover showroom.
Okay?
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306. "And borrow one of these,
take it on a test drive
and see if you can film
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307. "a Top Gearreport,
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308. "in full, without
the salesman noticing."
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309. And this is what happened.
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310. Right. The dealership's
just over there.
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311. I haven't seen the car yet,
but I do have the brochure.
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312. And it looks jolly exciting.
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313. It's based on an Indian car
called the TATA Indica,
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314. which was imported to Britain
and then re-badged as a Rover.
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315. The engine started life
in a Peugeot about
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316. 400 years ago.
But, of course, it doesn't say
any of that in here.
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317. It says it's
stylish and exciting.
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318. Well, let's find out if it is.
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319. Because here, in my tie,
I've got a secret camera.
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320. My pretend girlfriend
also has a secret camera
hidden in a mobile phone,
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321. and we've cunningly positioned
undercover camera people
all round the test route.
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322. Right. If we're not back
in 20 minutes,
turn over to Heartbeat.
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323. Now we can't identify
the dealer for lots of
boring legal reasons,
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324. - but the good news is, I'm in.
- Hiya.
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325. The bad news is, I haven't
quite got the hang of
this tie camera.
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326. So this
is the City Rover?
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327. But then we got
our act together.
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328. Because we had aTop Gear
road test to do,
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329. starting with
interior accommodation.
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330. That is quite good
rear leg room.
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331. That is a most capacious boot.
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332. So nice and roomy.
But as for interior quality,
oh, dear.
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333. So I think that Rover have to
acknowledge that
they can't quite match
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334. their German rivals when
it comes to interior quality.
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335. This does feel like a car
from the early '80s.
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336. This gear knob, for example,
is very, very sharp.
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337. The dealer was hovering
and obviously thinking
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338. I was one of those nutters
who talks to himself.
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339. But I still had to deliver
my verdict on value for money.
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340. Now, this is the base
1.4-litre solo.
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341. It's £6,500, and for that
you get pretty much nothing.
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342. Manual. There's
no central locking.
There's only one airbag.
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343. And the radio comes with
a cassette player,
not a CD player.
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344. I have to say that
the Daihatsu Charade
or new Fiat Panda
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345. is rather better-equipped.
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346. Because I know
the area quite well...
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347. I worked out a little route
that's about 15, 20 minutes.
Copy !req
348. - Is that okay?
- Yeah, no problem.
Copy !req
349. Now for the test drive.
And the salesman insists
on coming along in the back.
Copy !req
350. Would he notice that
I was talking in a bizarre
road-testing manner?
Copy !req
351. The gear change is rather
old-fashioned on this.
Copy !req
352. It reminds me a bit
of the MK1 Vauxhall Cavalier
I had in about 1981.
Copy !req
353. To test the brakes,
where better than
a zebra crossing?
Copy !req
354. And cue
theTop Gear pedestrian.
Copy !req
355. Oops, sorry.
Copy !req
356. That's a brake test.
They seem to work.
Copy !req
357. Next, ride and handling.
There's no convenient
twisty B-road round here,
Copy !req
358. so we have to improvise.
Copy !req
359. Even at low speeds,
it rolls about badly.
Copy !req
360. But what really bothers me
is the ride, which amazingly
Copy !req
361. manages to be bouncy
and jarring at the same time.
Copy !req
362. It's so awful that in front
of the dealer I come over
all polite and British.
Copy !req
363. It does seem to
ride quite smoothly.
Copy !req
364. So, to sum up, the interior
is low-rent, the ride is poor
Copy !req
365. and you don't get a lot
for your money.
Copy !req
366. The only pluses are it's big
inside and the 84 horsepower
engine does pull well.
Copy !req
367. But, Lord, is it noisy!
Copy !req
368. Anyway,
time for an ambitious finale.
Copy !req
369. Will the salesman rumble our
Top Gear comparison test,
Copy !req
370. as we bring on the Fiat Panda?
Copy !req
371. Hey, that's a Panda.
Copy !req
372. I think that is actually
the basic Active Panda.
Copy !req
373. That's quite interesting
because I think the Panda's
slightly better-equipped.
Copy !req
374. You do get electric windows,
you do get power steering
as standard,
Copy !req
375. you do get central locking.
It's got two airbags as well,
Copy !req
376. because it has got one
for the passenger.
Copy !req
377. And it's about £200 cheaper.
It's £6,300.
Copy !req
378. Right. By now, he really does
think I'm barking. So it's
back to the dealership.
Copy !req
379. And there you go.
One completed road test.
One unsuspecting dealer.
Copy !req
380. - But only one verdict.
- I think I like the Panda more
though, if I'm really honest.
Copy !req
381. - That was fantastic!
- Thank you.
Copy !req
382. That was great.
But, hang on, we've
got to be sensible at this.
Copy !req
383. Was that a proper
Top Geartest?
Copy !req
384. - Yes!
- Was it? It was. Okay.
Copy !req
385. Did he really not rumble you?
You looked so shifty.
Copy !req
386. I know. I couldn't believe it.
I kept expecting him to say,
Copy !req
387. - "You've got a camera
in your tie, haven't you?"
- I know!
Copy !req
388. But he didn't. He was
so chuffed that someone had
come round to drive his car.
Copy !req
389. He'd been sitting there
all day...
Copy !req
390. First time it ever happened.
Okay, but if it's a proper
Top Gearreport,
Copy !req
391. - you've got to give us
a verdict.
- Okay.
Copy !req
392. So was it rubbish
or was it truly dreadful?
Copy !req
393. Okay. This is important.
Copy !req
394. That is the worst car
I've driven on this programme.
Copy !req
395. Okay.
Copy !req
396. Actually, it's quite funny
when you think about it.
Copy !req
397. All those years
we were exploiting India,
Copy !req
398. and now they're getting
their own back on us
with that thing.
Copy !req
399. Okay. Time now to meet
our guest for the evening.
Copy !req
400. Before she became
a household face on Cold Feet,
Copy !req
401. she was once eaten
by Robert De Niro.
Copy !req
402. Ladies and gentlemen,
Fay Ripley!
Copy !req
403. - Hello, darling.
- Hello.
Copy !req
404. - How are you?
- Good.
Copy !req
405. Have a seat.
Copy !req
406. - Eaten by Robert De Niro?
- Well, strictly speaking,
I wasn't eaten.
Copy !req
407. - I was actually strangled.
- Oh, strangled, was it?
Copy !req
408. A far more sophisticated way
to die.
Copy !req
409. - What was that in?
- That was in Frankenstein.
Copy !req
410. To be honest,
it was actually the stand-in
for Robert De Niro
Copy !req
411. that did me.
Copy !req
412. So you weren't even...
Copy !req
413. Helena Bonham Carter
got Robert De Niro.
Copy !req
414. I got Fred, or whatever
his name was.
Copy !req
415. - And then they cut you
out of the film.
- They did, yes.
Copy !req
416. But I looked it up
on the Internet. This was
your big break, wasn't it?
Copy !req
417. - Your big... The big break.
- Yeah, it was.
Copy !req
418. And it just says
in the credits... In fact,
I've got it here.
Copy !req
419. - Um... "Fay Ripley..." Ready?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
420. - Have you seen what this says?
- No.
Copy !req
421. "Whore. Scenes deleted."
Copy !req
422. Welcome to my life.
Copy !req
423. Well, I was about to say...
Let's go on to cars.
Copy !req
424. Was the start to your
motoring career a little
more auspicious than that?
Copy !req
425. I had a MINI as my first car.
Copy !req
426. Well, I never had it.
Copy !req
427. I mean, it was on its way
to me, parked in
Tottenham Court Road.
Copy !req
428. It was nicked, in fact.
Copy !req
429. - What, before you got it?
- Just before I got it, yes.
Copy !req
430. - Ooh!
- Yes.
Copy !req
431. So what did you
replace it with?
Copy !req
432. - Of course.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
433. - And how did that one go?
- I wrote that one off.
Copy !req
434. Well, I didn't write it off.
Obviously, the idiot
who hit me
Copy !req
435. - wrote it off.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
436. Admittedly while I was
singing along to
Three Times a Lady
Copy !req
437. - and doing my lipstick.
- The Commodores.
Copy !req
438. Oh, and doing your lipstick
when he crashed into you?
Stupid man!
Copy !req
439. He was busy driving
or something.
Copy !req
440. Actually, I think
we managed to get away
with knock for knock on it.
Copy !req
441. Whatever the hell
"knock for knock" means.
Copy !req
442. I thought it was sexual,
but apparently
it's a legal term.
Copy !req
443. That means you weren't
putting lipstick on
at the time.
Copy !req
444. Right. Ooh, I must've lied.
Copy !req
445. Oops!
Copy !req
446. What annoys you most
then on the road
as you drive around?
Copy !req
447. Um... God, a couple of things.
Probably...
Copy !req
448. Uh, road rage is a thing
probably for me.
Copy !req
449. I've grown out of road rage.
Do you know what I mean?
Copy !req
450. When I was younger,
I used to give the finger
and, in fact, take the finger.
Copy !req
451. Uh, but, uh... Sorry.
Copy !req
452. - Those days are gone.
- When other people do it...
Copy !req
453. I was sort of involved in
some road rage incidents,
Copy !req
454. one in particular, when I was
in the Swiss Cottage triangle,
Copy !req
455. which is always packed
full of cars, basically.
Copy !req
456. You never go anywhere in that.
Copy !req
457. And, uh, I got into
an altercation
with another woman.
Copy !req
458. Again, I felt safe because
she was another woman
and I thought, "Well, okay,
Copy !req
459. "we're on the same ground."
She actually had kids
in the back of her car.
Copy !req
460. Um, and it started getting
a bit out of control.
Copy !req
461. I was going
for the Islington angle.
Copy !req
462. "We're two grown women,
surely we can sort this out
in a pleasant way.
Copy !req
463. "Perhaps you can
come over for a coffee,
Copy !req
464. "and we can draw
a diagram of the crash that
you almost made happen."
Copy !req
465. At one point I realised
that she was actually
driving at me.
Copy !req
466. And I was going, "Now,
listen, you really... Oh!
Copy !req
467. "Oh, I see, you're actually
going to run me over."
Copy !req
468. So I had to do a sort of...
Copy !req
469. Hurl myself over
the bonnet of my
Copy !req
470. Honda Prelude,
if you want to know.
Copy !req
471. And, uh, there were tears,
there were witnesses
Copy !req
472. and I was running around
taking numbers of everyone.
Copy !req
473. I went out to the local police
station and they not very
politely asked me to leave.
Copy !req
474. - Why?
- I wanted to just
sue her, them,
Copy !req
475. Honda, for their awful bonnet.
Copy !req
476. And I just
couldn't understand it.
Copy !req
477. Anyway, their excuse is that
I said... It was attempted
murder, was my point.
Copy !req
478. I went in and said,
"Here's the crime,
it's attempted murder.
Copy !req
479. "She just tried
to run me over."
And their point was,
Copy !req
480. "You shouldn't have been
in the middle of the road,
madam. She's a car,
Copy !req
481. "you're a girl."
Copy !req
482. It's the police, you see.
They are unused to
modern conditions
Copy !req
483. now they've got
so many speed cameras.
Copy !req
484. They're unaware that actually
there are cars on the road
Copy !req
485. and they get close to one
another from time to time.
Copy !req
486. - Well...
- Because they're so busy
catching burglars.
Copy !req
487. - Making a great job of it.
- Yes.
Copy !req
488. Okay, listen, you came here
to be our star in
a reasonably priced car.
Copy !req
489. - Yes.
- Would you like to see?
Copy !req
490. - Yes.
- Here it is!
Copy !req
491. Well, that's
an ambitious start.
Copy !req
492. - Are you a fast
driver normally?
- No, not at all.
Copy !req
493. - Really cautious?
- Captain cautious.
Copy !req
494. Whoa!
Copy !req
495. That was over-steer
in a front-wheel-drive car.
Copy !req
496. Whoa.
Copy !req
497. Too fast
through there.
Copy !req
498. I'm squealing
like a virgin here.
Copy !req
499. Oh.
Copy !req
500. Ahh...
Copy !req
501. You look like
Captain Cautious behind
the wheel, but look at that!
Copy !req
502. Ahhh!
Copy !req
503. This one's hard.
Copy !req
504. Apart from your language,
which is poor...
Copy !req
505. Your diving's very good.
Oh, you're off.
That's on the grass!
Copy !req
506. And here we go. Last corner.
Copy !req
507. Yes, very tidy.
Copy !req
508. Very tidy, actually,
and across the line,
everybody.
Copy !req
509. How was The Stig?
Was he nice to you?
Copy !req
510. Oh, I love The Stig.
Copy !req
511. - Was he nice?
- He was more than nice.
Copy !req
512. He was more than nice?
Copy !req
513. 'Cause he said that when
you first started going round,
you were doing it in...
Copy !req
514. - And this is your
first few laps.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
515. Two minutes and four seconds.
Copy !req
516. - Which is Whiteley-esque.
- Right.
Copy !req
517. Not the worst, but not
something you can go home
tonight and shout about.
Copy !req
518. - Frankly, two minutes,
four seconds.
- Right.
Copy !req
519. But then when we actually
got the clock out for
your official lap,
Copy !req
520. the one we've just seen,
Copy !req
521. - you went round
in one minute...
- Ooh!
Copy !req
522. - ... fifty-three...
- Ooh!
Copy !req
523. ... point three seconds.
Copy !req
524. Which means...
Copy !req
525. Which means
Copy !req
526. you're faster than Tara,
who has had
Copy !req
527. - a lightning jet
since she was four, in fact.
- Yes.
Copy !req
528. - You are actually...
- Actually, can I say,
Copy !req
529. I'm up further than that.
Copy !req
530. - Have I done it wrong?
- Yes!
Copy !req
531. I've done it
completely wrong, look.
Copy !req
532. - You're absolutely right.
- Don't cheat me!
Copy !req
533. You're as fast
as Vinnie Jones!
Copy !req
534. I beat Steve Coogan.
Copy !req
535. You've beaten Steve Coogan,
and you're a better person
than Stephen Fry.
Copy !req
536. Yes!
Copy !req
537. No, he was on
a mildly moist track.
Copy !req
538. I would bid for
a mildly moist.
Copy !req
539. Was it mildly moist?
Copy !req
540. - Yes.
- It was.
Copy !req
541. So that's a mildly
moist 1:53.3.
Copy !req
542. Anyway, thank you very
much for coming in today.
Copy !req
543. Ladies and gentlemen,
Fay Ripley.
Copy !req
544. Now, for those of you
who've just joined us, we are
in the middle of a race.
Copy !req
545. Okay, here's a board
showing you what's going on.
Copy !req
546. It's between James and Richard
on that fast train service,
Copy !req
547. down from the studio
here in Surrey
to Monte-Carlo.
Copy !req
548. And I'm driving
an Aston Martin DB9.
Copy !req
549. Now, when we left the action,
I was sort of here,
Copy !req
550. heading towards Dijon.
Copy !req
551. And they were rushing
through Paris to catch
the TGV express.
Copy !req
552. You've
caught it then?
Copy !req
553. We'll be accelerating up to
200 miles an hour and leaving
you behind in our dust.
Copy !req
554. Will you get
200 miles an hour
out of your head?
Copy !req
555. The train does not go
200 miles an hour.
Copy !req
556. 186 then.
Copy !req
557. That's not
as fast as a DB9.
Copy !req
558. It's a lot faster than you're
going to be going.
Enjoy your trip.
Copy !req
559. Uh, I think I'll have another
bottle of Diet Coke now.
Copy !req
560. Yeah, we'll maybe
order the wine as soon as
we get underway.
Copy !req
561. Talk to you later, bye-bye.
Copy !req
562. We're not actually
the first people
to do this, you know.
Copy !req
563. There's this racing driver
here called Woolf Barnato.
Copy !req
564. Somebody challenged him
to get from Cannes to England
Copy !req
565. in the time it took
the Blue Train,
Copy !req
566. which was the famous
posh tourist train
from the south of France,
Copy !req
567. to get from Cannes to Calais.
Copy !req
568. He got to the Conservative
Club in St James's, London,
Copy !req
569. four minutes before
the train reached Calais.
Copy !req
570. - What did he go in?
- A Bentley Speed 6.
Copy !req
571. Was he a 7' tall,
curly haired yob?
Copy !req
572. No, interestingly, that's
one difference, is that he was
a rather dashing chap.
Copy !req
573. I'm now about
halfway into the journey.
Copy !req
574. No backache, not
uncomfortable. I'm not tired,
my ears aren't bleeding.
Copy !req
575. So this car is as comfortable
as an Aston should be.
Copy !req
576. One thing I cannot stand
about this car's big brother,
Copy !req
577. the Vanquish, is it's flappy
paddle gearbox.
Copy !req
578. It doesn't work,
and it breaks all the time.
Copy !req
579. That's because the paddles are
attached to a manual gearbox,
Copy !req
580. whereas in this
they're attached to
a six-speed automatic.
Copy !req
581. You don't get a gear lever.
Nothing at all.
Copy !req
582. All the gears are selected
by buttons on the dashboard.
Copy !req
583. So you push "D", and then it's
a completely normal automatic,
Copy !req
584. just like any other auto
you've ever driven.
Copy !req
585. However, when you pull
one of the paddles,
like so, it changes down.
Copy !req
586. Pull it again,
blitz the engine,
Copy !req
587. it drops it into third
and then you're off!
Copy !req
588. Like a scalded cock!
Copy !req
589. There's his location
on the map.
Copy !req
590. How has he done that?
Copy !req
591. By going
very, very quickly.
Copy !req
592. - He must have absolutely
caned it from Lyon.
- Yes.
Copy !req
593. I suspect that
he must be on fire.
Copy !req
594. The front must be glowing red.
Copy !req
595. This gearbox works
nearer double-declutching.
Copy !req
596. Oh! In an auto!
Copy !req
597. And it's not only the gearbox
that impresses.
Copy !req
598. Because it's
so light and modern,
Copy !req
599. I thought that it would flow
from bend to bend,
like a Ferrari or a Porsche.
Copy !req
600. Like it doesn't
really need your help.
Copy !req
601. But actually they've made
the steering quite heavy.
Copy !req
602. It feels like there's
a big lump up there.
Copy !req
603. A great, big, solid, British
suet pudding of an engine.
Copy !req
604. And that means,
when you kiss an apex
Copy !req
605. just right, and you will,
'cause the handling
is brilliant,
Copy !req
606. you feel like you did it,
like you're responsible.
It was all your own work,
Copy !req
607. not the car's.
Copy !req
608. It flatters you.
Copy !req
609. Unfortunately, however,
Copy !req
610. it doesn't matter
how good the car is,
Copy !req
611. it's choked by
the French speed limits.
Copy !req
612. The Aston was reined in
so badly, in fact,
Copy !req
613. that with 200 miles to go,
the train tore past.
Copy !req
614. - We are ahead!
- We are ahead!
Copy !req
615. Now the fight
really hots up.
Copy !req
616. I love today.
Copy !req
617. Today's a big tick
in my life box.
Copy !req
618. A big, "Yes.
That was a good day."
Copy !req
619. It'd be even better though
if I could win.
Copy !req
620. So let's get on with it.
Copy !req
621. I have just one slim chance.
Copy !req
622. They've got to go
further than me.
Copy !req
623. They're on a train which
is gonna wiggle around now,
going where it wants to go,
Copy !req
624. not where they want to go.
Copy !req
625. Me, on the other hand,
I'm proceeding directly.
Copy !req
626. No more fuel stops
to Monte-Carlo.
Copy !req
627. So don't bet
on the train just yet.
Copy !req
628. Now that I'm down
in the south,
Copy !req
629. on the twisty motorway
going up to Monte-Carlo,
Copy !req
630. the car's changed from
being a comfortable
long-distance cruiser
Copy !req
631. into being this kind of
savage sports car.
Copy !req
632. It feels like a brute,
which is exactly what an Aston
should feel like.
Copy !req
633. With 100 miles to go,
the train slows down
along the coast,
Copy !req
634. and the gap
is starting to shrink.
Copy !req
635. And at Nice,
even though we're just
15 miles from Monte-Carlo,
Copy !req
636. we need to make
another train change.
Copy !req
637. - Stop pacing now.
- I can't.
Copy !req
638. I don't just like this car,
I love it.
Copy !req
639. - Right now, Jeremy's going...
- I know.
Copy !req
640. It feels like
motoring perfection.
Copy !req
641. If you don't mind just getting
out of the way, Frenchie.
Copy !req
642. I've got a train to catch.
Copy !req
643. Keep going up!
Copy !req
644. This is it. This is it.
Copy !req
645. Come on, James.
To lose it now...
Copy !req
646. This sodding bag!
Copy !req
647. Come on! Last bit.
It is down here.
Copy !req
648. Come on!
Copy !req
649. Ooh! Ooh!
Copy !req
650. Why didn't we bring a map?
Copy !req
651. James! Come on!
Copy !req
652. Oh, that's bad.
Copy !req
653. Oh, I haven't the heart
to tell him.
Copy !req
654. - It's all over, mate.
- Oh, cock.
Copy !req
655. Evening.
Copy !req
656. I don't know if you've
noticed something here.
Copy !req
657. You two look very
stressed and tired,
I'm very relaxed.
Copy !req
658. There's a degree
of perspiration going on.
Copy !req
659. I think the important thing
that we've proved today
Copy !req
660. is that no matter
how good public transport is,
Copy !req
661. no matter how much
it runs like clockwork,
Copy !req
662. it'll never be
a match for a car.
Copy !req
663. And what a car
we used to prove the point,
Copy !req
664. the fly-spattered DB9,
Copy !req
665. which isn't just better
than a train...
Copy !req
666. It's more loveable
and it's more rounded than
a Bentley Continental GT.
Copy !req
667. It's better than
a Ferrari 575.
Copy !req
668. It's better than a Vanquish,
principally because it's got
Copy !req
669. a better gearbox
and it's prettier,
Copy !req
670. and at £103,000,
Copy !req
671. it's considerably less
expensive than all its rivals.
Copy !req
672. But you know the best
thing about it?
Copy !req
673. It's a proper, pukka,
100%, real,
Copy !req
674. fabulous, glorious, exquisite,
magnificent Aston Martin.
Copy !req
675. So we have managed
to clear that up. Okay?
Copy !req
676. An Aston is better
than a train.
Copy !req
677. Now it's time to clear up
the Aston Martin.
Copy !req
678. It used to be very
simple because they
only made one car.
Copy !req
679. No, really, they only
did make one car.
Copy !req
680. But now they've got
Ford money, look at this,
they make three!
Copy !req
681. And they all look
exactly the same!
Copy !req
682. But there are
subtle differences.
Copy !req
683. This is the Vanquish.
£160,000,
Copy !req
684. V12 engine, V silly gearbox,
V popular with footballers.
Copy !req
685. This is the DB9.
Very, very fast,
same engine as that,
Copy !req
686. £103,000 for the hardtop,
Copy !req
687. £107,000 for
the convertible version.
Copy !req
688. And then next year,
we're getting this!
Copy !req
689. The AM V8 Vantage.
Copy !req
690. That's gonna be £70,000.
Copy !req
691. Go against the 911.
Copy !req
692. And there'll be
a convertible version!
Copy !req
693. So really what I'm saying is,
the three best cars
in the world are all British!
Copy !req
694. Right. Big moment,
new series and it's the return
of the Cool Wall.
Copy !req
695. It's brilliant
to see it back.
Copy !req
696. Let's get some new
stuff on the wall.
Copy !req
697. And, first of all,
we saw it earlier on,
the CityRover.
Copy !req
698. It's rubbish, yes.
The problem is, it's not
even a real Rover,
Copy !req
699. so it's actually trying
to be something
that's uncool anyway.
Copy !req
700. Which, frankly,
it's gotta be. Is it?
Copy !req
701. - Is it Uncool, or is it...
- Seriously Uncool.
Copy !req
702. Normally, I like to argue
with the audience,
go around, have a bit...
Copy !req
703. But, no, you're right.
Copy !req
704. - This is a very easy one.
- Oh, I agree again.
Copy !req
705. - Ferrari.
- Very easy.
Copy !req
706. This is
a Ferrari 612 Scaglietti.
Copy !req
707. Now, this is a sophisticated,
elegant, four-seater Ferrari,
Copy !req
708. replaces the 456,
absolutely beautiful.
Copy !req
709. This clearly is Cool,
if not Sub Zero.
Copy !req
710. As we said in the last series,
Copy !req
711. this was styled,
and I'm not joking,
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712. by a man called Ken.
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713. That is a problem.
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714. Now, Ken is a good name
if you're a football referee.
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715. It's a good name
if you're a plasterer.
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716. But a Ferrari designer?
It's not cool!
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717. No, there's been some
cool Kens out there.
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718. Name a cool Ken.
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719. There is, um, a Ken Hom.
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720. - Ken Livingstone.
- Ken Livingstone.
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721. Oh, thanks for helping me out.
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722. My case rests.
Can anyone think
of a cool Ken?
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723. - Kenny Ball.
- Kenny Ball.
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724. It's getting worse.
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725. - This is really difficult.
- We got one over here.
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726. - Well, actually...
- Who?
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727. - Barbie and Ken.
- Barbie and Ken?
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728. He doesn't even have a penis.
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729. - That's true.
- He has a mound.
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730. So that leaves us with this.
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731. - Sub Zero.
- Aston Martin DB9.
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732. Okay, can I hear anything
other than Sub Zero?
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733. - Any advance on Sub Zero?
- Dry Ice.
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734. - Minus 40.
- Minus 40.
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735. Do you know, you're all wrong.
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736. Uncool?
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737. - It's not Sub Zero.
- Uncool.
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738. We have had to build
a new section for it.
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739. The DB9 section,
and it's a fridge.
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740. There it is.
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741. Excellent.
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742. Now sales of the Lotus Elise
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743. have plummeted
in recent years,
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744. and Lotus decided to
increase those sales.
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745. "Let's start selling it
in America
for the first time."
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746. But to do that,
they had to put
a new engine in it
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747. to meet all daft American
engine emissions rubbish.
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748. So they got one
out of a Toyota.
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749. Ah! Don't mock,
because it is an
amazing combination.
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750. Toyota Celica engine
in a little car like this.
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751. Worked brilliantly,
so they thought, "Hang on.
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752. "That goes well,
why don't we do a hardtop,
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753. "hardcore version?"
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754. This is it.
The Exige.
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755. It weighs less than a ton,
but you get
190 brake horsepower.
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756. That's like putting a Saturn V
rocket in a food blender.
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757. It does naught to 60
in 4.9 seconds.
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758. Flat-out, you'll be going 147.
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759. And it's actually quite
a sophisticated engine.
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760. You get two camshafts,
one for economy
and one for power.
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761. And there's a Lotus computer,
which manages the transition
between the two.
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762. You get to 6,200 rpm
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763. when a normal engine would
be running out of steam.
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764. Here we go.
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765. There's actually a step,
a jerk, as it goes onto
the power cam.
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766. And you get even more.
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767. Whoa!
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768. And the best thing is that
when you drop down a gear
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769. to go round a corner
on a track like this,
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770. when you're really
going for it,
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771. it always stays above
that magical 6,200 rpm.
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772. So you've always
got the power.
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773. But strangely,
speed is not the key
to this car.
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774. And despite the rather
steep £30,000 price tag,
nor is sophistication.
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775. Certainly, you don't look
very sophisticated when
you're getting out of it.
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776. And then, there's the interior
you've left behind.
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777. Yes, you've got a stereo
that plays your MP3s
and air-conditioning
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778. and electric windows.
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779. But all these things,
are optional extras
and so are the carpets,
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780. and so even the sun visors.
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781. To get an idea of just
how spartan this thing is,
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782. you need to look
through the rear window.
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783. Back there, you've got
chicken wire, BacoFoil
and Tupperware.
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784. It's kind of like peering into
one of your granny's
old kitchen cabinets.
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785. So if it's not built for
speed or comfort,
what's this car for then?
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786. Well, um, this.
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787. It corners like a housefly.
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788. It's not just better
than an Elise,
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789. it's better than just
about anything.
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790. And here's why.
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791. The front splitter
and the rear spoiler
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792. work together to create
real down force, like you get
with a Formula 1 car.
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793. Its tyres are as slick
as the law allows,
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794. and you get racing suspension.
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795. Add that lot together
and the effect is astonishing!
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796. Everything just goes mental!
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797. To come up with something
to match it, you have
to think vertically.
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798. This might do the trick.
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799. It's an Apache helicopter
gunship.
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800. It's not the fastest
helicopter in the world,
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801. it'll only do
163 miles an hour,
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802. and nor is it
the most manoeuvrable.
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803. But it is the ugliest,
and it does pack
the deadliest punch.
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804. It carries 12
Hellfire missiles,
72 rockets,
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805. and it has a cannon
which points wherever
the pilot is looking
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806. and fires 10 high-explosive
rounds a second.
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807. The thing that interests me
most of all about the
Apache though is its radar,
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808. because, you see, you can pop
up from behind a tree or
a hill eight kilometres away,
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809. it'll have a look
at the battlefield,
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810. it'll recognise 256 targets,
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811. prioritise the 16
most dangerous
at that given moment
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812. and destroy all of them.
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813. And it'll do all that
in 28 seconds.
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814. Great. But in a single lap
of our track, can it get
missile lock on our Lotus?
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815. The best helicopter
gunship in the world,
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816. flown by the best
pilots in the world,
the British Army.
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817. Against the best-handling
car in the world,
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818. driven by an idiot.
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819. They'd win easily if they went
a long way away, but we've
instructed the pilots
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820. to stay within the confines
of the track.
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821. Let's go.
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822. Target is identified.
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823. God, that is not something
you see every day,
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824. a gunship in your
rear view mirror.
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825. I'm gonna turn around
and go the other way,
hope they're ready for that.
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826. I'm not exactly a tank,
matey boy.
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827. Because this is black
and plastic, it's hard to get
radar lock.
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828. It's like an F-117 Nighthawk.
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829. It's not that I'm an overgrown
schoolboy or anything,
but this is really good fun.
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830. I can out-brake
and I can outturn
the helicopter.
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831. But 1.5 seconds after
I've made the move,
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832. you look in the
door mirror and,
boom, there it is.
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833. At one point
I hid beneath its soft
American underbelly.
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834. But it just blew me out again.
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835. The car is moving
in the downdraught!
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836. That helicopter is the ugliest
machine I have ever seen.
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837. It's so ugly,
it's almost beautiful.
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838. Not when it's in
the rear-view mirror.
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839. It's right behind me!
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840. Wow! So did the chopper
get missile lock on you?
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841. No. They didn't. That's how
amazing this car was.
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842. I mean, I'm told by the pilot
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843. that in that kind of
situation, they would
have just used
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844. the cannon on me
and cut me in half.
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845. - Ooh, nice.
- With the cannon.
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846. But missile lock, this thing
can actually evade it.
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847. - It's phenomenal.
- That is incredible.
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848. But who'd like to see what
happened when the helicopter
did what it's supposed to do,
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849. and pop up from behind
some trees two miles away
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850. and have a go
at him from there?
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851. Yes.
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852. Target,
my line of sight.
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853. Target identified.
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854. Tracking, radar locked.
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855. Missile locked. Firing.
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856. Two, one, impact.
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857. Target destroyed.
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858. That was almost perfect.
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859. Just one thing.
How come you're not
in little tiny bits?
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860. Think about it.
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861. This is the British Army.
Here they are, in fact.
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862. The guys that were...
There's the guy that flew
the helicopter.
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863. Well done,
that was incredible.
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864. The Elise has managed to evade
missile lock in the track.
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865. But how will it get on against
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866. all the other cars we have
round here on the track?
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867. Time, I think, to move over
to Defcon Stig.
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868. Away he goes.
Lots of wheel spin there
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869. on what is a slightly
damp track.
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870. Now, straight line power
could be the Exige's
Achilles heel.
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871. But it really will make up
for it through the bends.
Look at that!
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872. Oh, dear. The Stig has bought
a power-ballad album,
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873. which he wants to play
for us over this series.
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874. Hasn't affected
his driving though.
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875. Oh, he's pushing it!
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876. Okay, down to Hammerhead.
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877. See, look how it just
sits on the line.
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878. Flat-out. Look at that.
Look at it!
It's unbelievable.
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879. Coming to the Follow Through.
Is he gonna lift?
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880. Absolutely flat-out
through the Follow Through,
which is unbelievable.
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881. Nearly slick tyres
on wet tarmac.
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882. Should be tricky.
Looking good so far.
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883. Can he keep it together?
This is the penultimate
corner.
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884. Is he going on the grass?
No. Kept it off.
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885. The final corner.
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886. Ooh, it's so neat and tidy
and across the line.
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887. You've gotta bear in mind
that was a 1.8-litre car,
Toyota engine,
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888. virtually slick tyres
on a wet track.
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889. So it would be
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890. unbelievable if it went faster
than a Honda NSX Type-R.
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891. - You know, 1:31.6. Yeah?
- Yeah.
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892. And it would be ridiculous
if it went faster than
a 911 Turbo.
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893. Did it in 1:31,
on a wet track.
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894. - It went round in one minute,
26.9 seconds.
- What?
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895. - That is...
- That's amazing!
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896. That's the sixth-fastest car
we've ever had here,
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897. - and it's a 1.8.
- That's astonishing.
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898. - And this has been quite
an astonishing show.
- Oh, yes.
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899. Helicopter gunships, races
to the south of France,
and next week,
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900. it gets even more amazing,
'cause he tries to be black,
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901. he tries to be pink
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902. and I get to drive much
too fast round corners in
the new McLaren Mercedes SLR.
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903. See you then. Good night.
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