Top Gear 9x6

1. Tonight, we cut some cars in half with saws.

2. Richard smokes a horse.

3. And who's in our reasonably priced car?

4. Oh, it's his assistant.

5. Hello. Hello and welcome.

6. Thank you very much. Now, we start tonight with stretch limousines.

7. There are 9,000 of the damn things in Britain,

8. and they're all American cars that have been elongated and then

9. coated with a sort of veneer of velour.

10. Why? Why can't limos be based on normal cars that we can buy in Britain?

11. I mean, how hard can it be?

12. Well, to find out, we were all three

13. asked to build our own limousines.

14. The recipe's simple. Find a car, anything we liked,

15. cut it in half, and then put an extra bit in the middle.

16. What could possibly go wrong?

17. This is what I'm gonna base my limo on.

18. Yes, it's a 1993 1-litre Fiat Panda CLX.

19. Now the interesting thing about this car is that

20. under the bonnet it doesn't have an engine.

21. What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald.

22. And if Gerald runs round his wheel really very, very fast,

23. he'll get me from nought to 60 in 18 seconds.

24. Don't worry though, there's method in my madness.

25. Why start off with a big car when

26. you're gonna make it big anyway?

27. And why have a big thirsty engine

28. when you're gonna spend most of your time in town doing 10 miles an hour,

29. and if you put your foot down, everyone in the back's gonna spill their Pomagne?

30. My limo will be based on this, a sensible Saab 9000, 3-litre, V6.

31. You're thinking, "There goes Captain Slow,

32. "and I expect he'll do a really good

33. "job of turning it into a limousine,

34. "because let's face it, he's a bit boring."

35. You cannot even begin to comprehend

36. the bounds of my forthcoming genius.

37. For my limo, I thought a bit laterally.

38. It's an MGF...

39. Which, as you've probably noticed, is a two-seater.

40. At the moment.

41. Because what I plan to create here

42. is quite possibly the world's first

43. mid-engined roadster limousine.

44. Nobody's done it before, and I don't understand it. Why not?

45. Why shouldn't hen nights have that

46. wind-in-the-hair, open-top thrill?

47. So, we'd all got our cars and we'd all found people

48. who were going to help us turn them into limos.

49. This is the very same workshop

50. where we made our convertible people carrier.

51. And that worked.

52. This job, though, would require much more precision.

53. Right, where are my hammers?

54. Meanwhile, at my workshop,

55. my genius plan was to mate the Saab with a second car.

56. And here it is. It's an Alfa Romeo 164 3-litre V6.

57. And I know it seems odd, but think about it.

58. No one ever said that the two ends of a stretch limo

59. had to come from the same car.

60. I'd picked some motorsport specialists

61. to help with the sports limo.

62. There are a few concerns,

63. largely because the engine is pretty much at the back.

64. So, all the things like these radiator pipes

65. and the gearbox linkage from the front to the back

66. and the throttle controls,

67. they're all gonna have to be sort of made longer.

68. Right, this is the really clever bit.

69. Although the Saab and the Alfa look very different,

70. underneath, they've got the same floor plan,

71. and more importantly as my centre-line shows,

72. the wheelbase is exactly the same.

73. It'll be sensible and Swedish at one end,

74. and fiery and Italian at the back.

75. It is a Salfa Romeaab.

76. Here's a Top Gear top tip. Rent one of these, 35 quid a day.

77. Somebody you don't like very much,

78. cut their car in half.

79. My first job was to cut all the pipes leading to the engine.

80. Oh, that went really, really well.

81. There! That's disconnected.

82. When do you think you're gonna by cutting it in half?

83. I'm not gonna get into a cutting-in-half competition with you there,

84. 'cause I know what exactly what you're gonna do.

85. What am I gonna do?

86. Make a mess of it.

87. Oh, that's not a good time.

88. - Hello? - Hamster.

89. Oh, bugger!

90. - Yes? - How's it going?

91. Really well, actually. You know what James has got?

92. - Yeah. - A Saab.

93. No, he's got an Alfa.

94. No, it's a Saab.

95. No, it's an Alfa, he's got an Alfa.

96. But he definitely told me he'd got a Saab.

97. - So he doesn't know what car he's got?

98. He doesn't even know what he's bought!

99. Is it true that Jeremy's bought a Fiat Panda?

100. Yeah.

101. I mean, if you were gonna make a stretch car, why would you start with a Fiat Panda?

102. You can stretch it a mile, and it's still only gonna be as big as a normal car.

103. Well, have you met Jeremy Clarkson before?

104. Big, tall fella. Curly hair. Idiot.

105. That's your answer, really, isn't it?

106. Finally, it was time to cut our cars in half.

107. No! What are you doing?

108. Cutting it in half!

109. That's about halfway, mate. That's about halfway.

110. I'm not gonna measure it.

111. Where are you gonna put your seat?

112. - Where's all the strength? Bulkhead. - Bulkhead.

113. It's all right, I'll weld that bit up.

114. Inevitably, James was being scientific about the project

115. and was sawing his car in half using a plasma cutter.

116. Now watch this.

117. I do know what I'm doing.

118. I've made a bit of plate and I'm gonna weld it

119. over the little hole there and you'll never know the difference.

120. By using patience and maths to make my limo,

121. I was doing a damn sight better than Hammond.

122. Ooh! Bad, bad thing. Sorry!

123. It's locked. I can't get in.

124. The car's burning down before I've even built it.

125. That's bad, that's bad.

126. Jeremy had similar problems

127. and couldn't even understand how the fire extinguisher worked.

128. "Pull out the safety pins..."

129. That's fire...

130. Eventually, the fires were put out

131. and by tea time, Richard's car was in half.

132. There it is!

133. Shortly afterwards, mine was un-conjoined as well.

134. Behold!

135. The broken car.

136. And with James' Saab, predictably still in one piece,

137. well, they decided to make sure that mechanically, at least,

138. my little Fiat had survived the operation.

139. And I'm delighted to say, it had!

140. Yeah!

141. Obviously, we will be picking that up later on,

142. but now, it's time to do the news.

143. We begin... Well, actually, we begin with last week,

144. because you mocked me for wearing

145. a suit, you may remember this, yes?

146. Because Kristin Scott-Thomas was down here?

147. Tuesday, he walked into the office dressed like this.

148. Yeah... Look at him!

149. - Where had you been?

150. I'd been invited to Number 10,

151. to a one-on-one chat with the Prime Minister.

152. So, I, you know, put on a suit.

153. Ooh!

154. - So you go down there, you're in Number 10. - Yeah.

155. - Sitting with him. - Yeah.

156. Did you vomit on him?

157. No, you can't...

158. You can't vomit on the Prime Minister, mate.

159. You can. If you had loads of cheese soup before you get there,

160. and then, like, some salt water. Blooph! All over him.

161. - You could easily have done that. But you didn't? - No. No, I didn't.

162. - Did you punch him in the face? - No!

163. Look, I didn't vomit on, or punch the Prime Minister in the face, okay?

164. How close were you to him at any one point?

165. Well, I was sitting next to him.

166. Look, there's a picture, hang on, of us. There you see.

167. You could have easily punched him in the face from there, you idiot!

168. You could have been sick, look, just straight, all over his leg and his cufflinks.

169. Look, I...

170. Those are the two things that you're best at in the world.

171. Being sick and punching people.

172. He came round to your house once, didn't he?

173. Yes he was... One time, you came to my house, you vomited all over my sofa.

174. - Sorry about that.

175. - My house, vomited all over me. - I did do that.

176. So you vomited all over your mate, why couldn't you vomit over him?

177. I'm sorry! He'd invited me round for a chat, so it wasn't appropriate.

178. - About what? - About road pricing.

179. - And what did he say? - That we need to do something about congestion.

180. Well, did you tell him if he got rid of the bloody M4 bus lane, that might help?

181. - Did you tell him that? - I didn't say that, I wasn't sick on him...

182. - Did you tell him to get rid of speed humps? - No.

183. Did you tell him to up the speed limit on the motorway to 150?

184. - 'Cause that will surely... Did you tell him that? - All right.

185. And punch him in the face!

186. I let you down, lads. I'm sorry.

187. Because, okay, road pricing is coming, and it's his fault.

188. - Yeah.

189. I now realise I've let you down and I'm sorry.

190. - It's not us. - You've let everybody down here.

191. You've let him down. He can't even afford proper clothes.

192. You could have been the first person in British history to punch

193. - the Prime Minister in the face and be sick on him. - All right!

194. I will be the first person to punch you in the face on television!

195. Now that's more like it!

196. - Can we move on? - Yes, we can move on.

197. Now, there's a new Mondeo coming out in June. I've got a picture of it here.

198. - And it'll be brilliant. It will.

199. Well, the last one was. It was brilliant at everything.

200. It looks fantastic. A couple of things...

201. I think it's got a bit too much mascara round its headlamps.

202. No, I know what you mean.

203. I had a bit of that going on in the studio last week, actually.

204. The make-up lady put too much...

205. Um, hang on...

206. - You were... - You were wearing mascara?

207. Well, it's whatever the make-up lady puts on us before we walk in.

208. She... Yes, I guess so. I don't know.

209. - And you let her? - Oh, for crying out...

210. Well, you let her make you look like a spaniel every week, so...

211. I just want to get back to the car, if I may.

212. The other thing is, I've looked at its engine specs,

213. there's 1.8s and diesels and 2 litres. There's no hot one.

214. You remember the days of the Cortina,

215. there was the Lotus Cortina, and a Sierra, there was the Sierra Cosworth.

216. There's no hot version of this 'cause what you want is like a Mondeo Vindaloo.

217. Actually, what if they just name the whole range after curries,

218. - depending on how hot they are? - That'd be good.

219. Yeah, that's a good idea.

220. That's not a bad idea.

221. You could do like Sainsbury's do with those little chillies on the back.

222. - And then I could have the Jalfrezi. - Yeah.

223. - Yeah, he could have the Korma. - Yeah.

224. "That's fast enough for me." I really do like that idea.

225. 'Cause you're bringing together, sort of, two great British institutions.

226. Indian food and a car made in Belgium. Yeah.

227. Now, you know that new law about kids under 4'5",

228. they have to use a booster seat in the car?

229. - He does. - Yes, all right. I just knew...

230. All right, people under 4'5" have to use a booster seat in the car.

231. Well in North Yorkshire,

232. the police say they cannot enforce that law, do know why?

233. They do not have the...

234. They do not have the legal...

235. I can't wait for this now. The legal...

236. Because they do not have the legal right to measure children.

237. To just measure them?

238. Say, if you see a policeman measuring your children,

239. you think, "Quick, call the... Oh."

240. So they'll have to do what they usually do then,

241. and just put up some new sort of camera by the road to monitor children...

242. No, no, you can't video children.

243. Have you ever been to a sports day? You have to ask every parent there

244. before you're allowed to take your camera out of the boot.

245. Well, go to your own kid's sports day. Maybe they'll let you, then.

246. Right, moving on. You know Aston Martin's for sale?

247. - Yeah. - Which I can't understand 'cause, Ford...

248. The only profitable part of the whole Ford business

249. is Aston Martin, and they decided to sell it. But anyway,

250. the, um, leading bid at the moment is from an Egyptian consortium.

251. Carpets will be nice.

252. Really, really elaborate.

253. Really elaborate.

254. Yeah, and buying one's gonna be interesting,

255. you do down to "My brother's Abdul Martin shop."

256. - For you, my friend... - I make nice, special price.

257. Special price.

258. Today only.

259. Right, now, you probably know the Vauxhall Monaro is one of our favourite cars,

260. and we were very disappointed when they stopped making it.

261. Yes! But now, it's back and we've got one here.

262. It's now called the VXR8.

263. Fantastic looking thing. It's got gills down here like a fish,

264. and it's now got four doors instead of two. Absolutely brilliant.

265. Yep, but it's still got the same engine,

266. so that's a huge 6-litre, V8 that develops, what, 414 brake horse power?

267. Yeah, but you can get a supercharger kit for it which takes it up to 540 bhp.

268. But the best thing about it is the value for money,

269. because the standard car has got 414, same as an Audi RS4...

270. - Yeah. - But it costs £35,000. That's 15 grand cheaper.

271. We love the Audi, make no mistake, but it's a very polite car.

272. This is more of a yob, really.

273. This should have come with, like, two butt cheeks on the back,

274. so everyone behind is being mooned.

275. Now, earlier on you saw us buy some old cars

276. and set about turning them into stretched limousines.

277. Next, we were told to report to the Top Gear test track on a bitterly cold day,

278. where we would be given a number of challenges.

279. Well, here it is, my sports limo.

280. Proof that style does not have to be slow.

281. It is genius. This time, once and for all, I am going to win.

282. I shall be victorious.

283. Oh, my God!

284. - It's a giant Panda!

285. Never before bred in captivity.

286. That is a big Panda.

287. It is!

288. 'Cause this is an economical limo.

289. One-litre engine, 40 to the gallon.

290. - Can we just... Do you mind? - It's my sports limo, mate.

291. The first thing I saw, obviously, was the spoiler.

292. - It's proportional to the car. - You need down force, do you, then, in this?

293. No. But it's part of the image, and image is everything.

294. - Can I also say, you've no roof. - I have.

295. That's it?

296. Well, it was complicated.

297. - That's it? - There is a gap. There are tolerances here.

298. You could only work to so much.

299. Then May turned up, and boy, were we in for a shock.

300. - Hang on... - Er...

301. Now that... That, I didn't expect!

302. - I'm confused. - Well, can I just explain?

303. It's all about choice, okay?

304. At the front, it's a sensible, Swedish Saab 9000.

305. And at the front, it's a sporty and stylish Italian Alfa Romeo.

306. What kind of paint thinner were you sniffing when you thought of this?

307. That theme, style, sensibleness,

308. Sweden, Italy, I've continued that on the inside.

309. Because at this end, it is...

310. A sauna.

311. - Does it work? - No.

312. - And at the other end, are you ready? It is...

313. The Sistine Chapel.

314. - Can you drive it both ways? - Yes.

315. That's the brilliant thing about it because what is the problem with a limousine?

316. - What? - Manoeuvrability.

317. - No, I'm fine on that. - He may have an issue with that.

318. - No, you haven't, you see. - It's very thin!

319. Our first task was to test out each other's cars.

320. And we began with the Panda's brilliant passenger entry system.

321. Have you two never seen The Great Escape?

322. I mean, it's perfectly straightforward.

323. - You've got this pulley.

324. You lie on this, okay?

325. And Britney Spears is gonna do that, yeah?

326. This is ideal, really, for people who used to be miners.

327. I thought you had sniffed thinners making that.

328. James offered to join me in the back.

329. Here he comes.

330. It's an ingenious solution to a problem

331. that should never have existed in the first place.

332. Next, I introduced Hammond to the in-car communications.

333. There's an intercom system.

334. And it's hands-free. So if you put that thing round your neck,

335. it's like a one-man band thing, so it's legal.

336. This isn't the most elegant solution...

337. I have literally thought of everything.

338. Right, I'm pulling away. Hold on tight.

339. Here we go...

340. You'll notice as you swing around,

341. it doesn't have quite that same responsiveness.

342. I'm running out of runway!

343. I'm sorry! I'm on the field a bit.

344. You see, the flex takes some of the jolting out of it.

345. What have you done?

346. You've gone over a runway light, you blithering idiot!

347. Yeah, well, you made the car a mile long! It's hardly my fault!

348. Even on our 160-foot-wide runway, manoeuvrability was an issue.

349. But we did at least find a new way of speeding up

350. my passenger entry-and-exit system.

351. - Here we go. - Britney Clarkson is leaving the car.

352. Okay, we're arriving, I'll brake.

353. You've got... It's an all-over carpet burn!

354. How am I gonna explain this to my wife?

355. Next, we tried James's Alfaab.

356. - James? - Yep.

357. - A bit of an issue I've got here. - What?

358. - Headroom. - There's loads of it. What's your problem?

359. He's put a sauna in this end and he's put it on the roof.

360. - Your beer fountain? - Yes.

361. It's just making me want to pee.

362. But as problems go, that was nothing.

363. - What does this do? - No, don't pull that!

364. Oh, my God! What's happened?

365. Hammond's unlocked the steering.

366. - Sorry! - In the wrong end, you idiot!

367. Stop, stop!

368. To try and regain control of the rear,

369. Hammond dived for the wheel of the Alfa.

370. Not that way!

371. - Is that helping? - No!

372. I'll go the other way. Hang on.

373. That's bad for the sauna!

374. Oh, my... Ha!

375. - James... - Stop!

376. How the hell...

377. You pair of utter pillocks.

378. You've ruined my car. If I was driving it, like a limousine,

379. and you two weren't just being you're both trying to brake everything,

380. that wouldn't happen.

381. The engineering in James's limo hadn't fared well.

382. So, time to try out Hammond's convertible.

383. Where is the heater?

384. Well, that is a problem, because the engine, of course, is at the back,

385. and the pipes... It hasn't got one.

386. You're the stupidest man I've ever met.

387. - I'll tell you what, though. - Your car's rubbish.

388. - I'll tell you what, though. - You'll put the roof up, then?

389. Mind your head, mind your head, mind your head.

390. - Oh, you see! - It's no better with the roof up!

391. If anything, it catches the breeze, I think.

392. Oh, that's gone! That does happen.

393. How do I tell James to slow down?

394. Uh, that's brilliant. We call him on this.

395. What?

396. - Tell him to slow down. - Could you slow down a little, please, driver?

397. - James? - Yes, what do you want?

398. - Can you see us? - Yes.

399. Yeah! Very funny.

400. To warm up a bit,

401. Hammond suggested we try some of his on-board sports equipment.

402. Go!

403. Yes!

404. The other thing that Hammond has done

405. is that he's fixed the seat in his... Ow!

406. With our test drives over, it was time

407. for the challenges to begin.

408. "Not all limo drivers are drug dealers.

409. "Not all limos are used for hen nights.

410. "Some have to be used for transporting political figures

411. "who maybe attacked at any time.

412. "Your cars, then, should be nimble and fast enough to get out of tricky spots."

413. Well, that's you in trouble, then, isn't it?

414. "For the first challenge, you arrive at a road block,

415. "the other two presenters are there, armed with paintball guns.

416. "How many hits can they score before you've done a J-turn and got away?"

417. He's in a convertible!

418. - Ooh. - Oh, no! I hadn't thought of that.

419. I was first to drive into the jaws of death.

420. Oh, no. A pathetic roadblock.

421. Now, a J-turn. You reverse at high speed, brake, spin the wheel

422. and as the front slews round, you slam it into first and roar away.

423. I must be honest...

424. The Panda wasn't much good.

425. It's actually quite tiring, isn't it?

426. Yeah, just on the trigger finger.

427. Yes, I may be getting shot a few times now.

428. - Ah. - Yeah, quite a lot.

429. Yeah, you may have...

430. You could get more paint on it if you used a brush.

431. With my Panda having set the bar pretty low, the convertible went next

432. I hope you don't mind the mask but there is no roof.

433. I hope I don't meet any terrorists.

434. Oh, no! Terrorists!

435. Do your J-turn, then.

436. The speed was good, the protection not so good.

437. Oh, that's a shot on the head!

438. Well, I got one there and one there.

439. - Did it hurt? - Yes, like a... You know...

440. - Like a word you can't... - A paintball in the head, yes.

441. Unfortunately, I suspect...

442. - I think I've beaten you. - You have beaten me.

443. - Right, James, good luck. - Good luck.

444. Instead of doing the tricky J-turn, I planned to get into the Alfa end

445. and reverse away, forwards.

446. Oh, no!

447. But that idea did have a flaw.

448. In fact, it had two flaws.

449. Oh, the wheel won't...

450. - Oh look. - Oh, oh!

451. I don't know. You aimed at my gentleman's area!

452. That was chuffing agony!

453. There is far more on you than on your car.

454. - Yeah, well, so in that case, I've won. - No.

455. - Hang on, the rule said... - But in the situation will you be thinking,

456. "Never mind, at least my car's not got paint on it."

457. The rules said hits on the car, not hits on the wedding vegetables.

458. It was time for the next challenge.

459. I just hope that that was the end of the evasive driving stuff.

460. "Evasive driving, part two."

461. "It's a test of nippiness against the clock.

462. "You break out from a terrorist trap,

463. "slalom down the runway between strategically placed cars

464. "belonging to members of the public, which you may not hit.

465. "Steer around the stinger at the Hammerhead and pull up

466. "once you're out of range of the water cannon."

467. The what?

468. With manoeuvrability being the key to every aspect of this challenge,

469. James was feeling confident.

470. Watch this! Doh!

471. Whoo-hoo. Oh.

472. Oh, hang on.

473. What the hell. - He's still unlocked now.

474. How is he going to do a slalom?

475. It's not gonna help at all.

476. Hammerhead.

477. The water cannon kicked in to make missing the stinger even harder.

478. Whoa.

479. Easy victory.

480. Well, maybe not.

481. My sports limo was like a greyhound out of the trap.

482. Wheel spin and everything!

483. Well, that looks quite good.

484. I can't really see Kofi Annan ever having got into it in the first place.

485. It's the stinger, next. No, hang on, it's the water thing first.

486. Convertible, as it turns out, not the best idea.

487. The Panda broke out with ease.

488. Yeah! Rock 'n' roll!

489. How's he gonna do the slalom?

490. - With a car that long. - This gonna be looking good.

491. He's gonna have to take the world's most enormous route.

492. Oh, for crying out loud.

493. Oh, no. I'm not gonna make it.

494. No, that is such a poor idea.

495. Oh, no.

496. Oh, there's some smoke coming out of it.

497. - Oh, doesn't that break your heart? - Yeah.

498. Hey, you, the clock's still running.

499. My limo had become bogged down.

500. But the film crew kindly pushed me out and I was on my way again!

501. No, you can squirt it as much as you like.

502. Sadly, I hit the stinger,

503. which punctured the tyres and then, worse, my engine died.

504. Oh! Oh!

505. I was soaked. Soaked.

506. - Why? - What?

507. Well, I don't understand. Why did you get out of the car?

508. Well, because it had got a puncture,

509. the engine had stopped. I thought, if I get out,

510. I'll be able to change the wheel, because the water cannon was off.

511. I didn't know they were gonna turn it on again.

512. Did you seriously think? There was you out of the car, the water cannon.

513. How could they not turn it on and hit you?

514. Well, with hindsight, you're right, I should've stayed in the car.

515. Anyway, that wasn't the final challenge. There was another one. A big one.

516. One where we brought the whole of Central London to a standstill.

517. And we'll be showing that to you later on.

518. - Yeah, can I just ask. - What?

519. Your limo, down one side I saw windows, on the other side there were no windows.

520. No, it's paparazzi-proof.

521. So, if you've got Britney Spears in it, she's forgotten her pants...

522. As she does.

523. Which she's prone to do, and now she's got matching, you know, collar and cuffs.

524. So they could... It was on the kerbside, there were no windows.

525. I thought of everything.

526. Can I just ask why you shot me in the penis?

527. You did.

528. You think I could hit that when you were 50 ft away and running?

529. Anyway, it's now time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

530. My guest is attractive, uh, she's futuristic and she's from Swindon.

531. She's sort of like the Honda Civic.

532. Ladies and gentlemen, Billie Piper!

533. Hello!

534. - Are you well? - I'm well, thank you.

535. Thank you so much for coming. Wow, this is marvellous!

536. - You're so much better looking than everybody else! - Thank you!

537. - And your top's more see through... - I know, I just realised that.

538. - I just noticed as you walked out. - How bad is it?

539. - It's quite bad. - It's quite bad.

540. - Don't worry. - My bra's see-through, too. Whoo hoo!

541. - Is it really? - No that's a joke.

542. No!

543. It is.

544. Anyway, listen, is it true that you wrote your autobiography

545. - because you heard a biography was coming out? - Yeah.

546. - I heard somebody else was gonna write one. - Yeah.

547. I was pretty convinced it was gonna be full of crap.

548. - Yeah. - And so I thought

549. I'd have, um, have a go myself.

550. Did it come out, the biography? Or did you...

551. - Yeah, no, it came out. - It came out? Was it full of crap?

552. I didn't actually look at it. I watched its sales,

553. it didn't do so well. But then nor did mine.

554. Well, it's not like it wasn't full of stuff.

555. It's not like Wayne Rooney's because he was about four

556. - when he wrote his. - That is true.

557. - Have you read his? - Of course I haven't read it.

558. Right.

559. Was born, grew big ears, kicked football,

560. slept with grandmother. Sorry...

561. It's not gonna be like yours,

562. - let's be brutally honest. - No.

563. So why have you given up Doctor Who?

564. Which is the question most asked by my eight-year-old.

565. Because, um,

566. it just felt like the right time to go.

567. I was two years in Cardiff.

568. - Oh. You... - I know!

569. I hadn't realised!

570. God, I once went there for two days!

571. - I'm going to hell! - I liked it very much.

572. Um, no. I just wanted to try some other stuff.

573. Okay, now, just before we move off Doctor Who,

574. I've got one important question.

575. What is the top speed of a Dalek?

576. I'm saying 6 miles per hour?

577. - They only do 6? - Hmm.

578. - You can run faster than a Dalek? - I can.

579. Why are you so scared of them, then?

580. They're threatening things.

581. - They're huge! - Are they huge?

582. They're about the same size as you.

583. I could have one.

584. Um, now, Is it true...

585. Obviously we have to get it across for those who don't know.

586. - You know, you were married to Chris Evans. - Yeah.

587. Is it true he tried to pull you with a Ferrari?

588. That is true.

589. Quite a thing. Did it work?

590. - Well, obviously it worked. - It worked, yeah!

591. I married him six months later!

592. - What? Because of the... - But not because of the Ferrari! Um...

593. Not because of the colour of his hair, obviously, that's...

594. - I love the colour of his hair. - Really?

595. I'm a big fan of the ginge.

596. - Really? - Yeah.

597. Are there any here?

598. No. We don't let them in. We try to keep them out.

599. They smell different, I find.

600. But he covered it with... Didn't he cover the Ferrari with roses?

601. Yeah, he filled the car with roses

602. and then he covered the bonnet with roses, too.

603. - Did he keep it? - Um, no.

604. We chopped it in for three classic cars.

605. Which were?

606. Moggy Minor,

607. Jag Mark 2...

608. - Beautiful. - Yeah.

609. And a Mercedes, but I can't remember what it was.

610. - An old one? - An old one.

611. - Do you prefer old cars? - Yeah, I love old cars.

612. Why do you like old cars more?

613. I just think they're beautiful, they're works of art.

614. I'd much rather look at an old car.

615. I have... I'm not a huge fan of new cars at all.

616. - So what's your car now? - It's a Porsche 911.

617. Oh God! Not another one.

618. - 1989. - So an early...

619. - It's a nice model. - It's a 1989

620. Porsche 911, for people who couldn't care less what model number.

621. - Yeah, I don't really know. - Yeah, it doesn't really matter, does it?

622. All I know that it's white and I love white cars.

623. - Now, that's interesting. - Do you love white cars?

624. I think white's a good '70s colour

625. - that should be making a comeback soon. - Yeah.

626. You are a woman, of course, of great taste

627. 'cause I did find a piece of writing the other day

628. - that you like a man with a beer belly. - I do.

629. Smug. Yeah, I do.

630. But you never... The six-pack thing isn't for you?

631. It's not for me.

632. - I don't like it at all. - Why?

633. It's just too "try hard".

634. - It's just... You know... - I agree.

635. I like my men... You know...

636. Yeah.

637. Bet you're feeling like a bit of berk now, aren't you?

638. He's been standing there, you know that thing men do

639. with they're pushing the arms out?

640. Look at him.

641. "Look at my muscles! Here, look at that."

642. They're very nice.

643. Now stick your stomach out. You might be able to show it, mate.

644. Anyway, I want to talk about your lap, how was it out there?

645. Um, it was okay.

646. It was a lot harder than I imagined.

647. I got a bit angry as well, which I don't think's good.

648. - Angry with The Stig? - Myself.

649. Not with The Stig. I love The Stig.

650. - Really? - He's was very patient, very generous.

651. - Very... Was he? - Yeah.

652. It's just unfortunate that he's got a really toned body.

653. - Does he? - Yeah, and a face like the Elephant Man.

654. That's a shame.

655. - Did you call, um, Chris up to get... - Yeah.

656. - And he said... - He said, "Listen to The Stig and work with the lines."

657. Would you like to see it?

658. - All right. - Who'd like to see Billie's lap?

659. Yeah! - Okay, let's have a look.

660. Shake and bake.

661. Second.

662. And third next.

663. Oops! Well, you cut the corner a little bit there

664. but hey, that doesn't matter

665. 'cause it just slows you down.

666. All right, wait.

667. Where are you going? You're on the wrong side of the road!

668. Must beat Gordon Ramsay.

669. Okay, into the Hammerhead

670. and, again, that's entirely the wrong route.

671. Oh, God, this is terrible.

672. Jonathan Ross was the last person here to get this lost.

673. hell.

674. Yeah, got the right way. Didn't turn right there. That's good.

675. And then through the second last corner.

676. That's where everyone gets it wrong,

677. but that's a very good line, actually, there, and then this isn't.

678. And there we are, and across the line!

679. It wasn't great, was it?

680. Well...

681. Where do you reckon on the board that was?

682. Please tell me I'm above Steve Coogan.

683. Above Steve Coogan?

684. Well, you are. However, we do have a problem.

685. Why?

686. You did it in 1 minute 48.3.

687. To the stunned silence and amazement

688. of the entire audience.

689. But the problem we've got is that we've had

690. to have a word with His Stigness.

691. - Why? - Well, because

692. you didn't really do a lap of the track.

693. I mean, you didn't do the same lap that all the other people have done.

694. Does that matter?

695. Well...

696. - Do you know, yes, it does. - No, it doesn't. Please, no!

697. Well, I don't know what to do because The Stig says,

698. he reckons it's a three-second penalty

699. for cutting the corners.

700. Aww!

701. I told you he was an unpleasant man.

702. He's not a nice man.

703. - What do we think?

704. Leave? Leave it there?

705. Leave it there?

706. People power. I'm sorry...

707. - I'm quite happy with that! - Well, you would be. I would do like this.

708. I could get home

709. in really quick time if I just drove straight across...

710. You're staying where you are.

711. Ladies and gentlemen, Billie Piper!

712. Now, this is the new Mustang.

713. We drove it a while back and we found it a bit, well, lame.

714. But the thing about the Mustang is

715. you can always improve the breed.

716. As I shall now explain with a rather noisy history lesson.

717. One of the many great things about the Mustang is that

718. it reintroduced drivers to

719. the whole idea of options of specing up your car.

720. So when it first came out in the early 1960s,

721. nobody wanted to forgo a standard one with a 6-cylinder engine.

722. They wanted ones like this, the GT390.

723. This is the Bullitt Mustang,

724. the one Steve McQueen hurled into movie history

725. around the streets of San Francisco.

726. The GT390 is, in car terms,

727. one of the seven wonders of the world.

728. The noise, the presence...

729. Very, very few cars live up to their hype.

730. But this car does.

731. And I should know, because this is my GT390.

732. And I'm using it to make a Mustang point.

733. Everything that made it good,

734. the engine, the lights, the stripes was extra.

735. Basically, If you wanted a good one,

736. you had to forget cheap and cheerful and go

737. for the bells and whistles version.

738. And that is what's been missing

739. so far from the new one.

740. Until now.

741. This is the Mustang GT500.

742. And from every angle, you can see its muscle-car biceps

743. straining to burst out of the bodywork.

744. It's also festooned with menacing cobra badges,

745. a tribute to tuning legend Carroll Shelby.

746. Now, Shelby only ever put his name

747. to the fastest and most powerful Mustangs,

748. which means this thing has got to be

749. more than just a fashion statement.

750. And it is.

751. Good God!

752. You see, this car has the supercharged V8

753. from the Ford GT.

754. Which means power goes up

755. from 300 to 500 horsepower.

756. Nought to 60, 4.9 seconds.

757. Nought to 100, 10 seconds.

758. In America, the GT500 has gone down a storm.

759. The queues are out of the door and round the block.

760. Now, if you wait your turn, you could put one of these

761. on your drive in Britain

762. for £35,000.

763. Sounds tempting. Question is, should you?

764. Let's start with the power.

765. That 500 horsepower, it's a bit, you know, neat.

766. This is a rolling road.

767. It's a sort of lie detector for engines

768. and gives the true horsepower reading.

769. Genuinely looking forward to this.

770. What's the score?

771. Really?

772. Right.

773. So this GT500

774. actually makes 447.

775. Almost.

776. There you go. That seems fair enough.

777. You know, thinking about it,

778. while I've got the machine here...

779. Please don't hurt it.

780. It had, when it was brand new, 325 horsepower.

781. And I'm assured by the man who sold me it

782. that this is a fine example of the breed.

783. 250.

784. Anyway, back to the job in hand,

785. and speaking of disappointments...

786. Multi-link geometry, dual-rate remote reservoir dampers,

787. fully independent rear suspension.

788. These are just some of the things

789. that this Mustang...

790. hasn't got!

791. Now, what this car uses is a live axle

792. which, as rear suspension goes,

793. is basically a whacking great girder

794. with a wheel at each end.

795. It's not exactly the most modern layout.

796. Noah's Ark had a similar set-up.

797. Because the technology is old-fashioned,

798. we can have some good old-fashioned fun.

799. But when it all goes wrong,

800. the Mustang becomes as precise and dynamic as,

801. well, an ark.

802. Now, Ford say they didn't give

803. the GT500 modern suspension

804. because it would have added $5,000

805. to the price of each car.

806. That is a ridiculous decision.

807. You can't just give a car an extra 200 brake horsepower

808. and then leave it with prehistoric suspension.

809. What you're left with then,

810. is a car that looks great and goes fast in a straight line.

811. And that's it.

812. But don't despair.

813. If you really want to spend 30 grand on a Mustang

814. that looks good and goes fast in a straight line...

815. Then why not buy the one that has the pedigree and the history?

816. And makes a great noise.

817. Buy this one. Well, not this one, obviously.

818. It's a bit down on power.

819. No, you're right. Your absolutely right.

820. You cannot put that much power in a car

821. without changing the suspension. You just can't.

822. - Or the brakes. - Exactly. The rest of it can't handle it.

823. Anyway, we must now find out

824. how fast the Shelby goes round our track.

825. And to do that, we've got to put it in the hands

826. of our tame racing driver.

827. Some say he isn't machine-washable,

828. and all his potted plants are called Steve.

829. All we know is he's called The Stig.

830. Okay, away he goes.

831. You can see the back wheels bobbing around, struggling for grip.

832. That's the low-tech suspension for you.

833. Let's see how it affects things in the corners.

834. Diving into the first one now.

835. Looking fairly composed so far. Not too bad.

836. Just breaking loose a little bit on the exit there.

837. Guiding his hands, she helped him to

838. unbutton her pretty lilac blouse...

839. More gushing fiction from Stig's collection there.

840. Chicago now.

841. You see, it's trying to cock a back wheel.

842. And then it gets all out of shape on the way out.

843. That is messy. Hammerhead now.

844. Heaving forward on the brakes

845. and it's lurching over into the turns.

846. Stig kicks it into a bit of a drift.

847. It's smoking the inside wheel but not elegant.

848. Locking her arms round his neck,

849. she softly pressed her lips to his.

850. Into follow through.

851. Chance to see this car at its best now,

852. which is in a straight line.

853. Yep, that's fast through the tyres.

854. Two corners left.

855. Oh, dear, wallowing about like a frisky hippo there.

856. Just Gambon to negotiate now.

857. He hurls it in, dab of opposite lock and across the line.

858. He did it in 1 minute, 30 exactly.

859. - 1.30, so, the same as the Monaro. - Precisely, yeah.

860. Uh, yes. Which is good but not...

861. But you could see it wobbling about

862. in that film. I mean, The Stig's all over the place.

863. And that really brings me on to this, okay?

864. Which is the Roush Mustang.

865. Now, it's only got 415 brake horsepower, this,

866. okay? Which obviously isn't as much as the Shelby,

867. but they have changed the suspension, they have changed the brakes.

868. And I drove this last year in America

869. and it was just... I mean, really properly brilliant car, this.

870. But if I'm right, this is, what, £10,000

871. more expensive than the Shelby.

872. Well, yes, but it's 10 grand more car, it really is.

873. In fact, earlier on,

874. after The Stig had been out in the Shelby,

875. we gave this to him and this is what it looked like out there.

876. Here he is coming up to...

877. Where is he now? That's Chicago.

878. You see, look. There's no wobbling like there was is in the Shelby.

879. Of course that makes... You get that super-charger whine and then the exhaust.

880. This has got the limited slip diff as well

881. which the Shelby hasn't,

882. so it doesn't just spin all the power away

883. on the inside wheel.

884. God, that's such a nice car!

885. - Do you know what the time was? - Go on.

886. Okay, 415 horsepower.

887. - What's this, 450, there about? - Yep.

888. - It was 1:28. - Whoa!

889. One minute, 28, so it's two seconds faster than the Shelby.

890. But it is M3 money.

891. Yes, but honestly,

892. I'd have one of those if I were the sort of person

893. who looked at my sister and thought, "Hmm."

894. Now, earlier you saw us buy three normal cars

895. and turn them into stretch limousines.

896. Then we went down to our test track

897. for a series of challenges.

898. And I have to say that,

899. Jeremy, your Panda was rubbish, mate.

900. - Absolute rubbish. - It wasn't brilliant, no.

901. - What, it got the most hits in the anti-terrorist test. - Yes.

902. And then it was knocked out by a hosepipe.

903. Anyway, for the final challenge,

904. we were told to smarten ourselves up,

905. because we would be chauffeuring top celebrities

906. - to this year's glittering Brit Awards.

907. Yes, we would, and the winner would be

908. the person who could get the most photographs of their celebrity

909. in the following week's newspapers and magazines.

910. This is what happened.

911. Before being allowed on the road,

912. each of our cars had to face a Government inspection

913. to make sure they were road legal.

914. Hammond sailed through no problem at all.

915. And so, amazingly, did May's.

916. Me though, I had a problem.

917. For some extraordinary reason,

918. the rules say you can't drive

919. a 46-foot car on the public highway,

920. so I had to do some surgery!

921. I've had to lop seven feet

922. out of the middle which has affected the rear legroom

923. but it is now quite nippy,

924. 'cause it's only um, eight feet longer than a bus.

925. For my pick-up, I had to go to a hotel in Chelsea

926. to collect a Brit nominee called Lemar

927. Hello!

928. - Mr Lemar. - Oh, yes!

929. - My name's May. I'm your chauffeur for the day. - Okay.

930. This is your car.

931. It's an... It's an Alfa-Saab.

932. Meanwhile, I'd been sent to EMI Records in West London.

933. Just got a bit of dent. It's very simple to polish it out.

934. Everyone's a critic!

935. And my VIP pick-up was R&B star, Jamelia.

936. Oh my God!

937. Okay. No expense spent!

938. Whilst Hammond got the glamorous singer,

939. I had to pick up a fat man.

940. Oh, God.

941. It's Chris Moyles from Radio 1.

942. This is your luxury limousine transportation.

943. It's not what I had in mind.

944. Right. Here we go. Sit back and relax.

945. Oh. What's it done?

946. Okay, if you'd like to step in, that'll be great

947. and we'll get off.

948. What?

949. - Um, this is the intercom. - Yes.

950. You press that button if you want to talk to me.

951. If it starts to rain, don't press it

952. because you'll get electrocuted.

953. Eventually, though, all our passengers were on board,

954. and we were ready.

955. - Are you comfortable? - No.

956. Good God!

957. We were all now heading for Earls Court.

958. The Brits is one of the biggest nights

959. in the showbiz calendar,

960. with most celebs hoping to look impressive

961. by arriving in a big, shiny German car.

962. We were gonna show them the error of their ways.

963. It's better than an Audi. This will get you noticed.

964. Look what happened to Dave Lee Travis. He's on Three Counties Radio now

965. 'cause he didn't think to use cars like

966. this going to awards ceremonies.

967. Now, I've chosen this route

968. to demonstrate the brilliance of my car.

969. Meanwhile in the Alfaab,

970. Lemar was riveted by James' conversation.

971. There is a small issue with the congestion charge

972. because, as I'm sure you know, the camera

973. - records the rear view of the car. - Yeah.

974. But when they look at the photographs,

975. it will give the registration end of the Saab,

976. but the photograph will show the front of an Alfa.

977. So it will look as though somebody with the wrong sort of car

978. for the number plate has reversed into London.

979. Back in the Panda, my demonstration of its brilliance

980. wasn't going too well.

981. Ooh!

982. You're crunching it!

983. It's still standing.

984. Exactly. There isn't anything wrong with it. Shush. We can edit that bit out.

985. So when the digital camera takes a picture,

986. it thinks, "Well, that's a Saab."

987. When they look at the photo, they'll see it's an Alfa Romeo

988. and it's going the wrong way.

989. Hyde Park on the left there, sir.

990. In the MG, poor old Jamelia

991. was attracting a lot of attention from fans,

992. not least because Hammond had had to modify

993. his intercom to make it legal.

994. Sorry about the fan thing trying to chat you up.

995. That was a bit awkward for you,

996. - I'm sure. - I can't hear you.

997. Oh.

998. So, Jamelia was embarrassed in the MG.

999. Lemar was bored in the Alfaab.

1000. And Chris had yet to appreciate the Panda's brilliance.

1001. Oh, that is a catastrophe that's just happened now.

1002. Is that car behind me very close?

1003. Yes.

1004. And then Lemar woke up

1005. as he began to realise

1006. that James had no idea where he was going.

1007. So the car doesn't have navigation, um, I take it?

1008. Well, it has navigation of sorts in that it has

1009. a driver who's lived in London for 20 years, 21 years, actually.

1010. Where are we now, sir?

1011. Um, we're just coming on to, um... Uh...

1012. Um...

1013. To distract Chris from the fact that

1014. we were almost constantly stuck,

1015. I engaged him in some musical small talk.

1016. I once went to Earls Court in 1976, saw Bad Company there.

1017. Simon Kirke, he did a drum solo like you wouldn't believe.

1018. It was now 6:00.

1019. Lemar was supposed to be at the Brits in half an hour

1020. and James was miles away,

1021. stuck in the side streets of Central London.

1022. Actually, if you don't mind, sir,

1023. this is where I need your help, um...

1024. Because the reason this car will go

1025. round these very small corners

1026. is because you can steer it from both ends

1027. but I'm afraid I'd have to ask you to sit in the Alfa Romeo and steer.

1028. By this stage, Moyles was hungry and thirsty,

1029. because I hadn't thought to include any on-board catering,

1030. he'd been shopping for supplies.

1031. What was that?

1032. I was getting on my seat.

1033. Oh, sorry, I thought someone had run into us.

1034. Turn left.

1035. - Right... Left? - Your left.

1036. - My left. - Yep.

1037. That's it, that's perfect. Straight around that very tight bend.

1038. You see, now, a normal limousine wouldn't go round like that, would it?

1039. Let's do another one.

1040. Hard left, sir.

1041. Okay, so, this... The whole thing is not...

1042. You need to straighten up a bit, sir, we're crabbing rather badly.

1043. I can't because the old wheel thing is a bit...

1044. Jamelia was closer to Earls Court than Lemar, but no happier.

1045. The accelerator's stuck open a bit.

1046. If you think about it, I had to link it to the back of the car.

1047. It's hydro-gas suspension,

1048. and the clutch and the brakes, all the things...

1049. Oh hang on.

1050. That doesn't sound good.

1051. That's...

1052. Whoa! Sorry!

1053. Road closed, I'd better go right.

1054. And then it got worse.

1055. That's not gone well, has it?

1056. - Where are you going?

1057. You're going that way? Right, sorry.

1058. Oh, my God! Richard, you're the worst driver!

1059. - Sorry!

1060. That's the famous Harrods department store on the left.

1061. You know earlier when I was talking about circles?

1062. I mean, Harrods, seen it twice.

1063. I don't really need to see it a third time.

1064. The bus couldn't back up,

1065. and I was stuck on a double mini roundabout.

1066. I can't make this turn, Chris, at all.

1067. Look where you're going!

1068. - Whoa! - Sorry!

1069. Thank you.

1070. There. We're clear!

1071. Earls Court was just minutes away.

1072. - What was that noise?

1073. At the Brits, the world's media were waiting for Jamelia's arrival.

1074. I still don't think you appreciate the complexity of linking up

1075. a rear-engine car when you've stretched it.

1076. Please, Richard, just let me get out here!

1077. No, no, red carpet it is, for you!

1078. I'm so embarrassed!

1079. And she wasn't too pleased with my clever exit solution.

1080. No, on the other side, on the other side!

1081. Sorry about the ladder thing. The steps weren't ideal.

1082. Whilst Jamelia regained her composure, I checked on the others.

1083. Jeremy, how are you doing?

1084. Uh... Not well.

1085. It's what?

1086. It's in two pieces on the Lillie Road.

1087. It's broken in half.

1088. I'm sorry not to be more supportive!

1089. Sorry, Chris.

1090. I'm going to be an hour late or something like that, at this rate.

1091. First time I'm nominated, best male.

1092. Best male, Lemar!

1093. Surely, sir, in the music business,

1094. it's fashionable to be quite late.

1095. Anybody, nobody ever turns up on time.

1096. There's fashionably late and there's stupidly late.

1097. I can only apologise, sir, but it's...

1098. I don't want to hear anything! Just please,

1099. just get me there.

1100. Well, there's five minutes to go.

1101. May's hopelessly lost.

1102. Jeremy's car is split in half.

1103. That means, by default if nothing else,

1104. I am the winner! Yah!

1105. Hammond may have been gloating,

1106. but I wasn't out of the competition yet!

1107. What time do the awards start?

1108. About five minutes.

1109. That's here, end it.

1110. Oh! Wait, wait, wait.

1111. - Dignity, you arrive in. - Dignity, yeah. Dignity.

1112. The red carpet's over there.

1113. So, Moyles was happy, but Hammond wasn't.

1114. You cheated! You finished with half a car. You're supposed to finish...

1115. It's still a stretch! I got the man here.

1116. Meanwhile, in a car somewhere nowhere near Earls Court,

1117. Lemar, acknowledged as one of the

1118. gentlemen of pop, had had enough.

1119. Strictly speaking it's left, but I think if we go right,

1120. I can go round the back.

1121. - What d'you mean, right? - Well...

1122. Right. Why? You've just said...

1123. No, listen. You just said, go left. Right?

1124. Well, most people would go left, sir.

1125. So why don't we just follow what most people do?

1126. Because I think if we go right...

1127. Are you doing this intentionally now?

1128. It's actually... This is just stupid.

1129. Are you a jerk?

1130. - No, but... - Have you come to mess up my day?

1131. You've picked me up, you've driven me round and round in circles in London,

1132. you've passed Harrods 11 or a 100 times now!

1133. It's left, you're telling me to go right.

1134. I can't take this any more. Open this damn door! I want out.

1135. Stupid door... I've had it. Forget it!

1136. Lemar got like that with him after half a day.

1137. - We have to work with him all the time. - I know.

1138. Anyway, clearly I won.

1139. No, hang on a minute.

1140. The competition was to see who could get the most photographs

1141. of their celebrity in newspapers and magazines.

1142. Now, I know this is the most pointless question ever,

1143. since you ended up in Norwich,

1144. - how many? - Ah!

1145. - None. - None at all.

1146. - And you? - None.

1147. Don't tell me there was a picture of Chris Moyles somewhere?

1148. Ta-da!

1149. Look at that. Read it and weep. There it is!

1150. Well, Hang on! That's your page, in your newspaper!

1151. - Yes. - Well, you cheated.

1152. Well, you two both have got newspaper columns.

1153. You could have done it. You just didn't think.

1154. Come on, Jeremy, you can't claim you've won

1155. just because of that passport picture.

1156. Yes, I can. It's the winner.

1157. But you hit every single bollard in East London.

1158. - West, James. - West, whatever.

1159. - And then you finish with half a car! - You're half a person.

1160. Doesn't seem to bother you. Anyway,

1161. I'm afraid I did win that, chaps.

1162. And on that bombshell, it's time to end the show

1163. and indeed the series.

1164. We've no idea when we'll be back.

1165. I tell you something though.

1166. The three of us will be back here to record a special

1167. Top Gear Of The Pops for Comic Relief

1168. in a couple of weeks. So we hope to see you then.

1169. Thank you very much for watching. Good night!