Top Gear 9x5

1. Tonight, we try to grow our own petrol.

2. What?

3. I drive the new Lamborghini. Quite badly.

4. And the Cool Wall muse Kristin Scott Thomas is in our reasonably priced car.

5. Hello, hello and welcome.

6. Thank you, thank you. Now.

7. Now, back in the summer, we were literally inundated

8. with a letter from a railway company

9. who asked us to do a feature on the show

10. about the dangers of level crossings.

11. Yeah. Now even though we don't make

12. Health and Safety public information films,

13. I thought I could pull it off

14. until he barged into the office

15. and announced that he wanted to do it.

16. Yes, so practised my serious voice and this is what I came up with.

17. It's a commonly held believe that younger drivers are the ones who cause

18. all Britain's car accidents.

19. Tearing about on drugs with their hats on back to front.

20. But the truth is that elderly people

21. are three times more likely to have a crash than their grandchildren.

22. Think about it.

23. When was the last time you heard of a young person

24. driving the wrong way down a motorway.

25. Never.

26. It's always an old person in their 80s.

27. And how often do you hear about a teenager

28. plying their car into the sea.

29. Again, never.

30. It's always an old lady in a Fiesta.

31. But now it seems Britain's old people have found a new way to get their kicks.

32. Terrifyingly, they are jumping the lights at level crossings.

33. Look at this idiot, caught on CCTV,

34. larking about in his Reliant Robin.

35. He was lucky not to kill someone.

36. We examine the footage more carefully,

37. we see the really worrying thing.

38. He wasn't even wearing a high-visibility jacket.

39. The trouble is that people have seen their grandparents

40. driving through the red lights with no safety clothing at all,

41. and think it's okay for them to do it as well.

42. The figures make for appalling reading.

43. There are 16,000 level crossings in Britain

44. and according to British Rail, or whatever they're called these days,

45. many people are injured on them every year.

46. You might think it's fun to jump the red lights.

47. You might think it will save you a few minutes.

48. You might think it's okay because your granddad's always doing it

49. or because you've got a Renault Espace

50. which has a 5-star Euro NCAP safety rating.

51. But it's not all right.

52. As I shall now prove with a

53. gratuitous shot of a train

54. smashing into the Espace at very high speed.

55. Think you could bring a hard hat for me?

56. That's quick.

57. If you drove like that on the public road,

58. you'd deserve to be called a maniac!

59. That's toast!

60. That's bad!

61. I'd quite like to see that again, in slow motion.

62. And even slower.

63. So that is how far the train went

64. from what, 70, 80 miles an hour.

65. The message then is clear.

66. Unless you want that to happen to you,

67. always wear this.

68. Thank you.

69. You idiot. - What?

70. - Well, just... - What?

71. What in the name of God was that?

72. All they wanted you to do was to say,

73. "Don't run the red lights at level crossings."

74. Yes, that.

75. And what sort of imbecile watches a train

76. crash into a car

77. and then jumps up and down shouting, "That's toast!"

78. Listen, I like,

79. I've decided, making public information films. I'm gonna do one on speeding.

80. No, really I'm. Honestly.

81. I'm gonna set you and May on fire, right?

82. May gets on the motorcycle goes really fast

83. - to see if he can put himself out, you stand still. - Just no.

84. This is a bad idea, all right?

85. Then I've got a skyscraper... Anyway, listen, I'll flesh it out later,

86. because now we're gonna do the news.

87. Yes, and we begin with the Maserati coupe,

88. which is a car we've never been entirely sure about.

89. Mainly because we don't think it's that good looking.

90. However, there is a new one.

91. It's called the new Maserati Granturismo.

92. I have a picture of it and it's a thing of beauty.

93. - Isn't it? - Oh, yeah. Gorgeous.

94. Hey, you can tell Kristin Scott Thomas

95. is coming into the studio as a guest today.

96. - How? - He's wearing a suit. Look at him.

97. It's...

98. All my jeans are in the wash.

99. Oh, really! All of a sudden.

100. Ninety-two programmes we've done, you've been in jeans.

101. Now today when Kristin's coming in,

102. they're all mucky.

103. I thought he was going for a job interview.

104. He's got that exactly right.

105. It's exactly how he looks.

106. - This Maserati... - He's had his hair cut as well.

107. Yes. You have.

108. I have had my hair cut because it was too long.

109. - Last week... - Were you combing it frantically before...

110. Shut up.

111. - What did you say? - I was going to say last week I have mine cut

112. and you said having your hair cut on a studio day was gay.

113. Did you not?

114. I said you should spend more than four pounds on a haircut, James.

115. - That's what I actually said. - So why didn't you?

116. Will you shut up!

117. - Anyway, the Maserati... - This Maserati, what's it got under the bonnet?

118. It's a 4.2 V8.

119. - Same as the old one. - Yep.

120. 405 horse power, automatic gearbox.

121. It's gonna be £73,000.

122. - I'm besotted with it. - Right. I think it looks absolutely stunning.

123. I mean if you're thinking of buying an Aston DB9 or a V8,

124. now, that's the alternative.

125. It's a good looking thing but there's an alternative to the alternative.

126. It's got a sister car. Let's have a look at that.

127. The Alfa Romeo 8C.

128. Come on, say it. You've been practising all week. Here we go.

129. - Competizione. - Yeah!

130. - Competizione. - Bravo.

131. That's a legal word.

132. Sounds like a speech. But it is related.

133. It's got a 4.7L V8, so the engine is slightly bigger.

134. It's related underneath, but it's got this beautiful

135. carbon fibre body over the top.

136. The only thing is, as an alternative,

137. there's a problem. They're only making 500 and they're all sold.

138. But I think that's better looking actually.

139. - Nah. - No. Maserati is better.

140. Put Maserati back up. There you are. It's better.

141. - I think the Alfa is better looking. - No, I'd have that.

142. Oh why don't you ask Kristin which she'd prefer?

143. - I will. - And have that.

144. It will be nice to talk to somebody intelligent.

145. Now, news this week of the most unsensible car I've ever heard of.

146. Volkswagen Passat. Here it is.

147. It's R36, got v6 engine, four-wheel drive, body hugging sports seats,

148. low profile tyres, whole nine yards.

149. The thing is though,

150. if you want a sport saloon, the last two words that pop into you head after say,

151. mister and Kipling,

152. are Volkswagon and Passat.

153. It just doesn't make any sense.

154. No, it's like saying, "Would you like some more fruit cake, Vicar?

155. "It's got cocaine in it."

156. Ludicrous. Now, hey...

157. On the way down here this morning,

158. I saw something so amazing that I took a photograph of it.

159. Uh, here it is.

160. Um, I wanna stress I wasn't driving.

161. Er, obviously I was taking pictures, I was in the...

162. You were sitting on the drivers lap, brother, look at it.

163. I was doing that. The thing is though, it's a Peugeot 1007.

164. They sold one! - Somebody's bought one!

165. Somebody went into a shop and said,

166. "I'd like a small car but can you make it really, really, heavy

167. "with really complicated doors.

168. "And I'd like to pay money for that."

169. Yes. I want to go for 0-60 in 18 seconds.

170. - That's how it is. - That's how slow it is.

171. Why are you in a Rolls-Royce Phantom?

172. The day that Kristin Scott Thomas is in...

173. You suddenly decide that you need to test a Phantom again.

174. Parked it just outside, have you by any chance?

175. - It's out there, yeah. - Is it?

176. - Where can be seen? - Yeah.

177. I was just thought it would...

178. Do you seriously think she is gonna be impressed

179. by some yellow-toothed, fat old man with

180. pubes for hair getting out of somebody else's Rolls-Royce.

181. At least he's had his pubes cut.

182. It's pathetic.

183. We have the results of the Top Gear survey.

184. This is where you tell us what it's like to own various cars.

185. 56,000 of you responded. We're very grateful to you all.

186. Uh, and I'm delighted to say that

187. the car that you are most satisfying car that you can own,

188. um, according to the people who actually own it,

189. I just test drive it, is car of champion for years

190. - the Honda S2000 again. - No, no.

191. No, no, no.

192. - And what do you say is the best small sports car? - BMW Z4.

193. - Which came 62nd. - Oh.

194. - And you, Porsche Boxster, as I recall. - Um, yes.

195. You said that's better than a Honda, that was 43rd.

196. - Oh, dear. - Speaking of which,

197. how are the electrical windows in your Porsche Boxster?

198. - Fine. - Still broken?

199. No, they work.

200. I'm not always in it when they work.

201. He's very often in bed when they work.

202. Well, maybe. But my other car, the Fiat Panda,

203. I think I'm right in saying...

204. What's funny about this?

205. No, you couldn't be more right.

206. He does have a Fiat Panda.

207. And you're right, James. It was in the top 10, with all the Skodas.

208. What people say here is that

209. it was better than they thought it was going to be.

210. Which is like buying a ton of manure,

211. "It doesn't smell that bad, actually."

212. To be honest, I'm quite surprised by it.

213. Because it's fun to drive, it's well-made,

214. it's economical, it looks good.

215. It says all of that in the magazine bumf but it also says

216. that people claimed it was predictably slow.

217. - Which it is, be honest. - It is. Why don't you tell

218. the ladies and gentlemen what happened when we all met up the other day

219. to go on a shoot, met at the hotel we had to go to a location,

220. you turned up in your Panda?

221. - I had an Aston that day and you had a 911. - Yeah.

222. Well, all right. But in fairness,

223. I had only picked it up that morning

224. and it only had 8 miles on the clock,

225. and I didn't know what all the knobs and things did yet.

226. What do you mean knobs... There's only two knobs in it,

227. well, three if you count the one who bought it.

228. It's a simple car.

229. Anyway, I said, "Look, I haven't got a map.

230. "Can I just follow you?"

231. And they said, "Yes, yes. Of course you can. Come on off we go."

232. And they went off at 120 miles an hour.

233. You should have bought a faster car then, you could've kept up.

234. You used it as an excuse last night to fondle my leg.

235. - You did. - Rubbish. I'll tell you.

236. He said, "I'll give you a lift to the pub and... We got into a Fiat Panda

237. and he kept saying, "Stop touching me." You can't not touch someone!

238. It's like sharing a bath with somebody.

239. - Ew. - Get on the back of my horse but don't touch me.

240. He exploited the diminutive size of my Panda

241. to sit there going, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry."

242. Can I just get back to this list, okay?

243. I want to give you the bottom six.

244. The six least reliable cars that you can buy.

245. Uh, see if you can spot a trend here.

246. Uh, six from last, Peugeot 407,

247. Citroen C8, Renault Magane,

248. Peugeot 307, Renault Espace,

249. Peugeot 807.

250. They are all French. - I know.

251. French got better things to do than go around making cars.

252. - It's what it basically was. - Pardon?

253. What? France is a lovely country.

254. Oh, come on. - Hang on, hang on.

255. - Where does Kristin Scott Thomas live? - Paris.

256. That might have something to do with your

257. sudden spirited defence of France.

258. No, I've always liked France.

259. - This is pathetic. - I don't know why you're laughing.

260. You'd be exactly the same if Graham Norton was coming on.

261. You would.

262. Anyway, that is, uh, that's the end of the news.

263. Now,

264. as you probably know,

265. these days it's possible to make petrol from crops.

266. And this gave us an idea.

267. Why don't we give it a bash?

268. I mean, how hard can it be?

269. Well, one problem is that you would need to use tractors.

270. And tractors is something that we know absolutely nothing about.

271. So the production office said, "Go on the internet.

272. "Do some research.

273. "And then turn up at our test track with whichever tractor

274. "you think would be best for the job of growing petrol."

275. Right, gentlemen, this is what I've come up with.

276. That is the Fendt 930 Variant.

277. It's £120,000.

278. This is the Mercedes S class

279. of agricultural vehicles.

280. This has got every single toy imaginable.

281. But best of all, it's got this computer and it will maintain it

282. at a constant speed of 0.06 mile per hour.

283. That's the fastest he's ever been.

284. Jeremy's choice turned up next.

285. There it is.

286. Jeremy, that's a digger. No, it isn't.

287. That is a JCB Fastrac

288. something or other

289. and this is the tractor that the Army use.

290. Oh, the Army. Well known, of course, all over the world as farmers.

291. Just, honestly... This, okay,

292. it has...

293. - It has what?

294. It has...

295. An 8.3 litre turbocharged engine.

296. Unlike any other tractor, I think,

297. top speed's unlimited.

298. No...

299. No, listen, seriously, if we're gonna make good quality petrol,

300. - from our crop... - Yeah.

301. we want to get the ploughing done well.

302. Not quickly, okay?

303. Which is why,

304. I have bought this.

305. - That's a bloody tank, you idiot.

306. It didn't look that big on my computer, to be honest.

307. It's a Case STX Steiger.

308. That has got a 16 litre turbo-charged engine.

309. It weighs 24 tonnes. It's just...

310. How much is it?

311. £224,756.

312. What's its top speed?

313. Uh,

314. - 20. - 20.

315. 41.

316. So this is therefore a faster plougher.

317. You can't plough at 41 miles an hour though.

318. How fast do you plough?

319. I don't know.

320. Our ignorance about farming was a little embarrassing,

321. so we dived into the first challenge.

322. Ready? It's the big moment.

323. "Farming has a very high suicide rate,

324. "which can be attributed to stress.

325. "The last thing you need, therefore, is a tractor that's confusing to operate.

326. "So to test user friendliness, you must hitch up a trailer,

327. "get in, adjust the seat,

328. "turn on the lights and then reverse your rig through our car park."

329. Oh!

330. Quite big, some of these things.

331. It's a tight car park, that.

332. And unfortunately it's always full of stuff.

333. On that day, for example,

334. there was a very expensive modified Range Rover Sport,

335. a prototype Astra, with a new type of diesel engine,

336. and all our cherished TV creations.

337. James went first and instantly regretted choosing the S class.

338. Fifteen minutes, James, and utter silence.

339. - I am just making sure everything's right before I... - Start it now, then.

340. It's very quiet. That's amazing.

341. Modern tractors.

342. Eventually, he did get it started.

343. Then he had to find first gear.

344. So, that's something to do with the hydraulics. It's not that.

345. That's...

346. It's now been 26 minutes.

347. Hang on.

348. No, that's the windscreen wiper.

349. Do you think he's found the gear lever?

350. It's taken him 34 minutes.

351. I've managed to adjust the steering wheel.

352. It can't be that difficult.

353. You'll notice, ladies and gentlemen,

354. - one hour has passed, the trailer's...

355. And the tractor's no nearer.

356. How did I do?

357. Don't hold out too many hopes.

358. Unbelievably, I have no trouble

359. getting my JCB started and into gear.

360. Yeah.

361. It moves. It lives.

362. Hitching the trailer was a doddle, too.

363. Yes!

364. All I had to do now was reverse it.

365. This, of course, is a four wheel trailer.

366. Slightly harder to operate.

367. It's the opposite of the opposite of what you think.

368. Wrong.

369. - Getting wronger.

370. Oh!

371. How can you crash into your own trailer?

372. No. Oh, this is stupid.

373. The thing interesting thing about Jeremy, I find,

374. is he thinks problems can be solved by shouting.

375. - This is just ridiculous!

376. It can't be done!

377. He's getting further away.

378. I'm not a quitter.

379. But I'm quitting.

380. Hammond, being a country boy,

381. instantly bonded with the job in hand.

382. Here we go.

383. That is really annoying

384. Yeah. You see.

385. I'm on a roll.

386. - Stop! Stop! - Stop! Stop!

387. I think I did clip it.

388. How many of these were there?

389. None.

390. Since you did that.

391. How did you...

392. - How did you get... - Well, it weighs 24 tons, it's very big.

393. - What's that got to do... - And you can't see much when you look backwards.

394. Frankly, we'd all made a hash of that challenge.

395. And it was probably best to move on.

396. - Right then, time for our next challenge. - Yes.

397. Thank you very much.

398. And here it is.

399. "The slowest thing ever to lap our track

400. "was the late Richard Whiteley.

401. "He went round in two minutes six seconds.

402. "Can your tractors beat this?"

403. - What, go slower than that? - Yeah.

404. - That's stupid. - What's to stop you just driving really slowly?

405. Uh, no. We won't be driving. The Stig will.

406. Oh, God.

407. Is it the slowest or the fastest?

408. - It's the slowest... - No, it's the slowest.

409. - I've brought the fastest tractor down here.

410. Yeah. This is excellent.

411. And, with its top speed of 31, The Stig,

412. could hardly have been less bothered

413. about the prospect of a lap in the Fendt.

414. Go!

415. That's good, that's good, that's good.

416. He doesn't exactly spin his wheels.

417. And it's one minute now.

418. And he hasn't made it to Chicago.

419. Two minutes... One, two, three...

420. Coming up to Whitley's time.

421. Five, six!

422. - And Is he across? - No, no he isn't.

423. The Stig's performance also wasn't helped by the fact

424. that James had adjusted the seat to its softest setting.

425. - Oh, my God! - I'll be running.

426. Yay!

427. What was it?

428. - Three minutes... - 3.28.

429. That's spectacularly slow.

430. Hopefully my office block would beat...

431. Um, not beat, I mean,

432. - that time. Go.

433. - Wheel spin! - Wheel spin!

434. No, that's bad. I don't want wheel spin.

435. It's gone all quiet.

436. - Well, how do you commentate on a tractor lap?

437. Going round the Hammerhead...

438. If you notice that the Lamborghini tractor, they'll do...

439. Hold on, sorry.

440. Sorry to interrupt, James, but will he understeer

441. - going round the Hammerhead? No.

442. - As I was saying.

443. You're right, we have been lucky with this.

444. You know, I mean, barely a cloud.

445. No, no. It's the gorgeous weather.

446. Why do things stay hot in the Thermos flask

447. for less time then they stay cold.

448. Don't go there! "How does it keep them hot?"

449. As we finished afternoon tea, the Stig romped home.

450. - Come on. - Yes.

451. - Four minutes, 49 seconds.

452. In the speedy JCB GTI,

453. that time wouldn't be easy to not beat...

454. Wait, no, hang on.

455. Look at it. It's leaning.

456. Of course it's leaning. It's a very, very powerful

457. 8 point something litre engine.

458. In fact the JCB GTI was so fast

459. that even The Stig had trouble coping.

460. - Come on. - No, slow is good, you fool.

461. The last corner, turning in.

462. - Across the line. Read it and weep.

463. Two minutes 57.

464. No, that's... No, Jeremy.

465. - The slowest wins. - Rubbish.

466. Hopefully there'd be no disagreement about the final challenge.

467. "The most important characteristics for any tractor

468. "are fuel efficiency, reliability, and long service life.

469. "So your next challenge is a drag race."

470. Oh, God.

471. I've got this one completely sewn up.

472. No, no, no. You haven't. You've misunderstood.

473. It's a "drag" race.

474. We each have to look around the whole of the Top Gear site

475. and find something big and heavy to drag in the race.

476. And we get more points for the bigger and heavier the thing is that we drag.

477. Ah.

478. I hitched up Jeremy's Toyota Hilux,

479. the S-Class Country Cottage,

480. my Triumph Herald sailing boat

481. and, well, a few other things.

482. Nice try, but a bit wet.

483. Even the offices lack of wheels was no problem

484. for my metal mammoth's 1,600 torques.

485. Again, good effort.

486. But to my mind, still lacking ambition.

487. Right. I'll think low range.

488. Three, two, one. Go!

489. This is it. We are away.

490. In the most ridiculous drag race in history.

491. James's cars are all over the place.

492. Convoy's snaking a bit.

493. It's snaking a lot.

494. Not quite as sprightly as I was hoping.

495. Come on, come on. That's a tractor.

496. I've now reached, after 25 seconds, 1.3 miles an hour.

497. Well, the express is all over the place.

498. There's a big weave going on.

499. Well, I've lost one.

500. Whoa, car in my way!

501. It's gonna be a disaster.

502. Here's the finishing line.

503. Not the most elegant finish in the world

504. but I believe I've beaten Old McHammond.

505. Wake me up when we get there.

506. Now, uh, obviously we will be picking that up later on

507. when we start actually growing petrol.

508. But now it's time to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.

509. My guest tonight is a Hollywood star,

510. she's currently starring on the West End stage

511. in one of the great classics.

512. She's the epitome of cool...

513. Wow, is your heart fluttering as you talk about her?

514. - Has your tongue gone really big in your mouth?

515. Will you two grow up.

516. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kristin Scott Thomas!

517. - How are you? - Very well.

518. - Have a seat. - Thank you.

519. Well, that's it.

520. And my life is now complete.

521. So has it been the most horrible day of your life?

522. No, no, I enjoyed it

523. I enjoyed, um, driving fast and

524. relatively dangerously.

525. - Well, it wasn't fast because it is only... - It was very fast for me.

526. - Was it? - Yes, cos I'm very slow.

527. I usually drive with my nose on the windscreen.

528. So you're over here at the moment obviously

529. - starring in a play in the West End. - Yes.

530. So does that mean you're living in London?

531. - During the play, yeah. - During the play.

532. So what are you driving around London?

533. A G-Wiz.

534. - G-Wiz, the little electric? - Yes.

535. Nice car, I've always liked them. Um...

536. I happen to know that's a lie.

537. No, no, no, no, no. It's all just nonsense. People have misquoted me.

538. I'm thinking of getting one.

539. You should but I don't think you'd fit in it. That's the problem.

540. No, I would, I'd saw bits off.

541. And I'd get in.

542. Mine's got tiger stripes all over it.

543. - It's very attractive as well. - I like that idea.

544. - Now you live in Paris, most of the time. - Yes.

545. How does that compare to London?

546. Umm, traffic's worse.

547. I like driving in Paris, I don't like driving in London very much.

548. Is there a difference in driving style that you have to adjust to?

549. Well, yeah. I got four traffic offences in my first week in London.

550. - What? In a G-Wiz? No way! - Yes.

551. - Obviously not speeding. - No.

552. That would be difficult.

553. You did once describe driving round the Arc de Triomphe as life's great adventures.

554. I love it. It's fantastically frightening.

555. I did it once in a Ford GT, That was very tricky.

556. What's a Ford GT?

557. It's a... Not a particularly nice car.

558. It damages the environment quite badly. I don't really like it.

559. But there is a moment where you just get to the Arc de Triomphe,

560. - and just think, "Here we go!" - I love it.

561. It's great fun. The trick with the Arc de Triomphe,

562. you have to not look who's coming at you.

563. Just look where you're going and have a really badly, beaten up car.

564. Yeah, never try it in a nice car.

565. Always the worst car you can lay your hands on. Then everyone will avoid you.

566. This is one of the reasons I've got you as the Cool Wall muse, if you see what I mean.

567. Because, you do, you straddle Europe. You're Paris and Europe to me.

568. It's just so much cooler than Los Angeles and even New York.

569. But do you mind awfully if I just run a few cars past you?

570. - Yep. - To establish their coolness.

571. This. Okay. Obviously this is very cool.

572. - Yes. - G-Wiz.

573. What!

574. I haven't got my specs on though.

575. Sorry, mate. You described it as a "wart" last year.

576. It is beautiful. It is beautiful.

577. The only problem that you might find is getting into it.

578. And on a rainy night, you have to choose between windscreen wipers and lights.

579. You see, that isn't in the brochure.

580. But I would like to say, when I said it was a wart

581. I was thinking more in terms of Cindy Crawford's beauty spot.

582. I love this car. I absolutely love this car. It's absolutely brilliant for London. So...

583. - Thank you very much. And that's very cool. - Very, very, very cool.

584. Now we've often said, on the Cool Wall that we anticipate, because you live in Paris,

585. that small European cars like those, okay?

586. Renault, and that's a little Citroen, and that's a little Fiat. They're cool.

587. Yeah.

588. - Are we right? - Yes, I think the Renaults are.

589. - Not the Fiat? - That one.

590. - The little one? - That one's a bit dodgy at the back.

591. - A bit what? Dodgy? - I don't like the back, it's sort of square...

592. Yeah I know, I agree.

593. Crap, absolute crap. Fiat Puntos are rubbish.

594. Would somebody quietly go and move it down? Just awful.

595. And we've also said this kind of thing.

596. - Red Bentley. - I love that. Show it to me.

597. How do you feel now?

598. I may have accidentally said in the past that it's a Cheshire footballer's car.

599. - But it is! - What, that's cool?

600. That's fabulous. Four years of your Cool Wall has just been destroyed.

601. We took a chainsaw to it last week. You're machine-gunning it.

602. A red Bentley would do.

603. - Four-wheel drive cars? - I don't really like those.

604. Yes! I moved them all down last week.

605. - I used to have one and I got rid of it. - Did you?

606. - Which one did you have? - I had a really nice one. It was a big Volvo something.

607. - XC90? - I have no idea, darling.

608. - I've got one of those? - You know those really huge ones.

609. - I liked it... - Yeah. There were seven seats in it?

610. - Yes. That's right. - That's what I've got.

611. Born in the same year...

612. Don't... Thank you.

613. as Richard Hammond, but... I got out of that one.

614. Right, can I just say Rolls Royce?

615. Um, I'm slightly ambivalent about Rolls Royces.

616. - Yeah, Richard Hammond came down in one this morning... - What!

617. Now he's lying!

618. - Guess you made a bit of a fool of yourself there, mate. - This is desperate!

619. Told you shouldn't have done it.

620. Now, most important, Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder.

621. - This is... Yeah. - What?

622. Well, it's pathetic, isn't it?

623. If anybody's got a knife...

624. Right, so, cancel that.

625. - What, order? - Yes.

626. - Have you got one of these? - Nope.

627. I thought you had a Volvo like a sensible person.

628. - A what? - A Volvo.

629. The children go round in a Volvo and because they're going to school and back,

630. I had to have something else and I thought that would be,

631. rubbish and I don't know what...

632. Now, if I may, I'll move on.

633. - Because you're over here starring in The Seagull. - In The Seagull.

634. The Chekov play.

635. - Now, The Seagull's not about a seagull. - No.

636. - Do you want to know what it's about? - I think I might...

637. Can I just guess? Just to see.

638. Act one, not much happens. Act two, not much.

639. - Act three... - Everything happens?

640. Well, it's in between the acts, somebody goes off

641. and tries to shoot themselves in the head

642. - and then misses. - And misses.

643. That's why everyone's in the bar and then he comes back

644. - and he's got a bandage on his head. - Yes.

645. - This is completely sold out. - Yeah.

646. You can't get tickets and God knows I've tried.

647. - Have you got a thing about Chekhov? - I just really like Chekhov.

648. No, I haven't got a thing about Chekhov,

649. but I just find that, uh.

650. The... Well, I've only done two plays.

651. Am I boring you already?

652. So smooth.

653. It's not. It's pathetic.

654. I'm touched.

655. If anybody wants a job presenting Top Gear,

656. the address is BBC, Wood Lane, London W12 7TS.

657. And now, we're gonna find out, obviously, in a minute how your lap was.

658. Do you want to tell us how it went?

659. There was a bit of a boggy moment, wasn't there?

660. - Did you go off? - I went off and sunk.

661. Really? Yes.

662. I saw an ambulance come speeding towards me.

663. Not to rescue me but just to tow the car out of the mud.

664. Were you going too fast or get lost?

665. Well, no, I just sort of gave up steering.

666. I tell you what, who'd like to see the lap?

667. Yes.

668. Okay, let's play the tape.

669. Parisian start.

670. The sun's in my eyes!

671. Oh, looks good. I sing.

672. This is smooth and perfect in every way. I can't see anything wrong with that.

673. - And into Chicago and again...

674. No, absolutely bang on.

675. Hugh Grant did that. And then...

676. I'm not braking hard enough. Bloody hell!

677. And then, what's this?

678. I can see where you've been off there. It's awfully muddy.

679. Now here. Did you go fast flat-out through here?

680. I tried, but It was quite difficult.

681. No, that's flat-out. I can hear the tyres tortured, screaming.

682. - Look at that! I know! Oh, that was me.

683. Is this the fastest you've ever gone? That's not very fast.

684. It is!

685. And then there we are across the line. Perfect!

686. Now...

687. Where do you think you might have come?

688. - Probably Brian... - What, down here?

689. - Yeah. - What, Brian Cox?

690. I don't know, I have no idea what time it was.

691. You did it, in one minute, 54 seconds.

692. There.

693. Now.

694. Faster than Philip Glenister, faster than Rick Wakeman,

695. faster than Brian Cox and much faster than Jimmy Carr.

696. I have to say, I thought you were better at that than I would be in a Chekhov play.

697. That's yes, exactly.

698. It's been a pleasure having you here, as I'm sure you can appreciate.

699. Ladies and gentlemen, Kristin Scott Thomas!

700. Now, this is a supercar.

701. It's built primarily to be fast.

702. But above supercars, there's another level.

703. Hypercars

704. and those are mostly about showing off.

705. Which is what you were doing in that interview. A bit.

706. You've let the programme and you've let yourself down.

707. You're an embarrassment. Anyway, he does have a point, okay?

708. Supercars are designed to mess with G-forces.

709. Hypercars are designed to mess with G-strings.

710. And king of the hypercar makers has always been Lamborghini.

711. Yeah, cars like the Diablo, the Countach, they were brilliant cars to look at,

712. they made you feel you were ten years old.

713. But the fact is, they were always horrid to drive.

714. They were. They were designed for Rod Stewart, not Jackie Stewart.

715. So, you're probably expecting more of the same from the latest product,

716. the Murcielago LP640.

717. Here it is. And, of course, it's very dramatic.

718. It's also very large and it turns a great many heads as you drive along.

719. Plus, it makes lots of noise.

720. But if you actually look at it, it's not that outlandish.

721. It was actually styled by a Belgian,

722. the same chap who did the Audi A2

723. and there are no big spoilers sprouting out of it.

724. There are no rotating knives. There aren't even any machine guns.

725. The vents only open when the engine gets really hot.

726. The rest of the time, they're hidden away.

727. There's a giant oil cooling aperture on one side of the car.

728. But instead of fitting a fake on the other, they haven't bothered.

729. There's no style-for-style's-sake here.

730. And look at the exhaust pipe.

731. It's the same width as the Channel Tunnel,

732. but there's only one, not 17 like you get in most hypercars.

733. You even get a device that raises the nose for going over speed humps.

734. This all fine, but what's the point of a Lamborghini

735. that doesn't have space thrusters sticking out of the side?

736. Of course, you still get scissor doors

737. and when you step inside, you find the steering wheel

738. isn't quite in front of where you're sitting.

739. But there is room for your head and you can see out

740. and even see behind.

741. Then when you're driving along normally,

742. it feels very civilized.

743. I mean, obviously, it's not a Honda Civic.

744. You can't turn left, for example because the indicator stalk will hit your knee.

745. And it does eight miles to the gallon.

746. Or four.

747. But, that said, you don't have to raise your voice to have a conversation.

748. It's got satellite navigation and it's got air conditioning.

749. Which unlike the air-conditioning systems in Lambos of old,

750. it isn't like being coughed on by a mouse.

751. This is all very worrying.

752. You see it's 8 years since Captain Sensibles of Audi took over Lamborghini.

753. And now they seem to be taking away its soul.

754. The only reason we ever liked Lamborghinis is because they were silly.

755. Taking that away is like taking the sunshine from a summer holiday.

756. You're left with

757. nothing.

758. Except for one thing.

759. Audi have replaced the lunacy with something else.

760. They've increased the size of the V12

761. from 6.2 to 6.5 litres,

762. but what it delivers is simply staggering.

763. You get 500 carbon dioxides

764. and 640 brake horsepowers.

765. That's more than you get from a Porsche Carrera GT

766. or a McLaren-Mercedes SLR. It's more than you get from a Zonda!

767. The result is spectacular.

768. This is not a light car but, my God, it's fast!

769. Properly, savagely fast.

770. Naught to 60 takes three and a bit seconds.

771. Its top speed is two hundred and...

772. I'll tell you what, let's find out.

773. 160...

774. The fastest anything's gone down here is about 190.

775. That's 200. We're quicker than anything ever.

776. Look at that! 207!

777. 207 miles an hour!

778. Now, of course, figures like this are sort of meaningless.

779. They're hard to get your head round. So what I've done,

780. is organised a demonstration.

781. What we have here is a Golf GTI.

782. And what we're going to do now is have a half-mile drag race

783. to show the difference between a fast car

784. and a Murcielago.

785. Now, this has Formula-1-style launch control.

786. What you do is you hit the sport button

787. in a Murcielago.

788. Turn the traction control off and then floor the throttle.

789. When the revs hit 4,000, the clutch will bang in and we'll be off.

790. Here we go.

791. Wow!

792. Golf's gone.

793. Big wow!

794. Now, you might imagine that this sort of power doesn't come cheap

795. and there is some evidence to support that if you look at the options list.

796. A little bit of carbon fibre there on the centre console,

797. £4,000.

798. Carbon brakes, £7,780.

799. If you want the brake callipers, these things, painted,

800. that's £600.

801. Transparent engine cover. Do you see that on the back?

802. £4,000.

803. Flappy-paddle gearbox, £6,250.

804. You'd need a flappy-paddle head to spend that!

805. On one of those?

806. But amazingly, the actual car only costs £190,000.

807. That's about half what you'd pay for a normal hypercar.

808. So, it's quite well priced, it's hugely powerful,

809. and it's surprisingly elegant.

810. But do not for one minute be tricked into thinking

811. that the king of the hypercars has become a supercar.

812. In the twisty stuff, it's still a card-carrying lunatic.

813. You take one liberty with it,

814. and trust me on this,

815. you are going down.

816. There we go, into the bend and we're going backwards.

817. A liability.

818. So,

819. it's still really a car for show-offs and not driving.

820. It's kind of halfway. You see, the thing is,

821. if you were in a supercar and you go out there, and reach the limit,

822. you know, the limit of grip, it will start to slide

823. and you can hold that slide.

824. Because you're on an airfield, it doesn't matter.

825. This four-wheel drive, so you've got tons of grip, tons and tons,

826. and then when you get to the limit, it's off.

827. It's a really dim-witted four-wheel drive system somehow, and it just...

828. You cannot push it beyond the limit.

829. - You can't drive it to the limit. - Or anywhere near the limit.

830. The punishment for overdoing it by 1% is certain death?

831. Absolutely. Happily, however...

832. We have a man on the team who laughs in the face of death.

833. Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks.

834. And that his crash helmet is modelled on Britney Spears's head.

835. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

836. And he's off! Show-off or not, this is still a fiercely, quick car.

837. The question is, can it knock the Koenigsegg off the top of our lap board?

838. See if it doesn't bite Stig in the face on the way.

839. Okay, so far.

840. The love-making was hesitant and tender.

841. He didn't hurt or frighten her as she'd feared.

842. More romantic fiction drivel there as he powers round Chicago,

843. keeping it very tidy, which he has to do,

844. because you can't stick the tail out.

845. Here he comes into Hammerhead.

846. - Yes, look at that.

847. He's absolutely keeping it on the raggedy edge.

848. But the most beautiful part of all was her smile.

849. Right, let's see what the Lambo can do now.

850. This is it. This is where he can unleash that fearsome firepower.

851. Coming down into the tyres here.

852. That is quick. Even moving the camera.

853. Two corners left.

854. He trucks it in, right on the limit of grip now.

855. Belts up to Gambon, turning in.

856. Look at that! Keeping the tail in check. And across the line!

857. Where do you think it came?

858. - Fourth. - Fourth?

859. Not fourth.

860. Not fourth.

861. It came...

862. Look at that, ladies and gentlemen.

863. Second, fourth, sixth place.

864. 1.19.8. The same as the Carrera GT.

865. The sixth fastest car.

866. That's a hypercar.

867. Now, last year, we decided to grow our own petrol.

868. And earlier on in the show you saw us testing three tractors

869. to decide which one would be best for the job.

870. And we couldn't decide, so we took all three.

871. Yes, we had the tractors,

872. and now it was time to start farming.

873. This is BBC Radio 4.

874. Now it's Farming Today This Week.

875. Good morning. A new report...

876. This is the 25-acre field

877. where we'll be growing our first crop of Top Gear petrol.

878. We had just one day to get it sown and immediately

879. there was a problem.

880. Before we could start ploughing, this lot would have to be evicted.

881. So how do you clear sheep?

882. Call Fred Dibnah.

883. - He's dead. - Not Dibnah, is it? It's...

884. Fred Drabble.

885. You mean, Phil Drabble!

886. He's dead as well.

887. So what shall we do?

888. We could use dynamite.

889. Eventually, the job was given to Hammond and Top Gear dog.

890. TG, round them up. Come on!

891. - TG, come on. Who didn't seem to be in the mood.

892. TG, come here!

893. This is just me doing it. This is stupid.

894. Meanwhile, James and I set about the complexities of the day.

895. It's very simple. Our rented field is 25 acres big.

896. The field where we're currently filming One Dog And His Man.

897. TG, just round one up!

898. And we're gonna plant this. It's oilseed rape.

899. When it's harvested, we should get 15 tons of rapeseed oil.

900. Yeah. Then we're going to do is rent...

901. It's like a distilling machine. Isn't it?

902. - Yes. - Anyone can do that. That will convert those 15 tons into

903. 3,000 gallons of petrol.

904. And that's enough to get my Ford GT to the shops and back.

905. - Absolutely. - And it's also enough to drive a typical family car, what?

906. - 90,000 miles? - No, just go the other way!

907. That way.

908. Hurry up! I am!

909. - That's a useless dog. - He's useless.

910. Not one!

911. Eventually, the sheeps were cleared by a proper dog

912. so we could get going with our tractors.

913. But that gave us another problem.

914. Guys!

915. Is this the only way into the field?

916. It was. And it wasn't exactly the work of Brunel.

917. Nevertheless, James crept over slowly and carefully in his Fendt.

918. And then I went over in my sports tractor...

919. Floor it.

920. Whoa.

921. So fast that I broke it.

922. This seemed to annoy Hammond.

923. This weighs 24 tons.

924. You've broken it with half of that.

925. I'll see if I can... Wait a minute. Will you just grab that?

926. Then we made things worse.

927. Avoid that bit.

928. Who chose this field?

929. We spent ages trying to help him.

930. Oh, forget it, mate. This weighs half a ton.

931. I can't even lift it at this end.

932. - Can you just go to this side and avoid that bit? - Of course, mate, yeah.

933. I'll go on one side of the weak bridge.

934. Come on.

935. If he falls in, I'm going to die laughing. Oh!

936. To avoid the broken sleeper, I had to go right over the edge.

937. I can't see! I cannot see anything! I've no idea what it's doing.

938. - Straight for a bit! - Okay, straight. Come forwards.

939. Stop! Stop!

940. Oh!

941. Piece of cake!

942. Now we were in the field, our first job was to plough it.

943. And Hammond had gone for some machinery from, I think,

944. Battlestar Galactica.

945. Have you seen the size of my plough?

946. Oh, yeah!

947. Not sure this is the right weather for ploughing.

948. Because of our training at the track, we had no trouble

949. getting the ploughs hitched.

950. And then we got into our ploughing positions.

951. Right, we've divided the field up into three equal parts.

952. Each of us gets two telegraph poles.

953. Yes! Then we're gonna see who can do their ploughing the fastest.

954. No, we're going to see who can do it the best.

955. And because we don't know anything

956. about ploughing, we've invited some ploughing judges,

957. who judge ploughing.

958. And they explained to James just what they'd be looking for.

959. Every furrow, absolutely identical in every way.

960. We're looking for all the trash to be buried.

961. We're looking for no dips and mounds,

962. a good seedbed for the next crop.

963. - You sound like a Yorkshireman, are you? - I am a Yorkshireman.

964. - I used to live in Yorkshire. Where about? - I'm Doncaster.

965. Jeremy Clarkson is from Doncaster.

966. He is from Doncaster. In fact, I know his mother very well.

967. - Do you? - And I knew him when he was in school.

968. - So you like him? - I wouldn't say I like him. Well...

969. We were ready to plough.

970. Here we go. I know what to do.

971. Three, two, one. Go!

972. I'm ploughing. Here we go!

973. Ah! Difflock one, difflock two,

974. eh, oil to plough.

975. This is gonna be the fastest piece of ploughing ever.

976. That's number two plough in position.

977. So I was struggling with my robo-plough.

978. James was trundling along like Worzel Gummidge

979. and Jeremy was going like a bat with no sense of direction at all.

980. Oh, yeah, this is easy now.

981. The judges were not impressed.

982. Marks for straightness, out of ten?

983. A half?

984. Still, at least I was doing better than James.

985. What's he doing?

986. May, you imbecile!

987. You've got the entire Earth stuck to the back of your plough!

988. Meanwhile, Richard had finally set off in the Starship Enterplough.

989. But the moment he tried to turn round,

990. disaster.

991. I've sheared a bolt. That's bad.

992. You've done, nothing.

993. So, it's just down to me.

994. The sports tractor is the only one who can do this job.

995. Seen the size of the bolts I've sheared?

996. You've sheared the bolts?

997. More than one.

998. With James's tractor beached and Hammond's broken.

999. Sorry.

1000. Mine, was the only one still running.

1001. It's half past one in the afternoon, and I, frankly can't see us

1002. getting this done,

1003. in a week.

1004. If we were going to get our crop planted by the end of the day,

1005. I was going to have to break out my ingenuity

1006. and use a method of ploughing

1007. they certainly wouldn't think of on The Archers.

1008. Fire in the hole!

1009. What!

1010. Good! Ploughing done.

1011. With our farming back on schedule,

1012. we could afford to have a spot of lunch.

1013. And that sparked one of the great debates of the countryside.

1014. What's in a ploughman's?

1015. - Cheese, there's always cheese. - Cheese.

1016. It's cheddar. Yes. Still, no, could be Stilton.

1017. No! You can't have, I can't stand ploughman's with poncey cheese.

1018. - How could you have called Stilton poncey? - They don't have Stilton.

1019. They are the least poncey cheese in the world.

1020. Stale bread, hard Cheddar,

1021. and a pickle of some sort. That's all they'd have.

1022. - Apple. - Only in season.

1023. And the apple season coincides with the ploughing season. You pillock!

1024. - Pickled onions. Yes.

1025. - Branston pickle. - Apple.

1026. - An apple. - Cheese.

1027. Cheese, get all both sorts. I don't want to have a row with him.

1028. - Lettuce. - No, lettuce. No!

1029. Eventually we made a decision

1030. and Hammond was nominated to go off and buy our lunch.

1031. - I haven't got a car. - You'll have to use your tractor.

1032. Blimey! 14th is a bit of a sharp gear. It really goes.

1033. With Hammond's 24-ton runabout bearing down on the nearest village,

1034. James and I set about our next job.

1035. Cultivating, breaking up the ploughed soil.

1036. And this demanded some serious tractor-customising.

1037. I don't like the look of that sky.

1038. Not for cultivating.

1039. Meanwhile, in the local village, Hammond was blending in nicely.

1040. That's a bit tight.

1041. I've got alarms going off!

1042. Sorry! Sorry.

1043. James was as much use at cultivating

1044. as he had been at ploughing.

1045. - James, what are you doing? - I'm doing my pre-cultivation checks.

1046. Thank you, Jethro.

1047. I think this is the first thing we've ever filmed,

1048. where I can do it and those two can't.

1049. - Ah!

1050. I've hit the telegraph pole.

1051. James, I'm begging you now, to just

1052. drive a tractor into the field and do cultivating.

1053. Mercy, James. Mercy. Just for once...

1054. Right. Two hydraulic tubes, top-link attached.

1055. Come on, come down. One side of the fence or the other.

1056. Ploughman's lunch. Stilton or Cheddar. Stilton or Cheddar.

1057. Stilton.

1058. You see. James May was talking rubbish.

1059. Ploughman's lunch is... Oh, that's a bus.

1060. I sensed that the locals had had enough.

1061. But before I left town, I had to fill up with fuel.

1062. Back at the field, James finally joined me

1063. and together we finished the cultivating.

1064. Then we were ready to start planting the rapeseed.

1065. But since one bag would be enough to do the whole 25 acres,

1066. only one of us could do it.

1067. And annoyingly, James insisted it had to be him.

1068. Right, have we finished now?

1069. Uh, £1,127.

1070. And to add insult to poverty,

1071. when I got back, my ploughman's was snubbed.

1072. A crusty, French loaf. - Mmm. Traditional.

1073. - Is what I asked for. - That's a French apple, as well.

1074. After lunch, it was time for the final job.

1075. The seeding machine was incredibly complicated.

1076. But James insisted that after 4 hours of pre-seeding checks,

1077. he was up to the job.

1078. We don't need that, because we've got that. That's good.

1079. James? - Yes.

1080. - Do you know what you're doing? - Yes.

1081. Listen, stop! Stop, please, listen.

1082. You've got... Because slugs and pigeons are going to eat

1083. half all the seeds you plant,

1084. you've got to make sure you plant 70, and that's that many.

1085. - 70 per square yard. - Right.

1086. This is it. This is the moment.

1087. Our petrol is going to be planted.

1088. Here we go. Seeding.

1089. Oh, for God's sake! James!

1090. Is that it?

1091. He's done the whole bloody lot.

1092. It's 25 acres! He's done it in 25 square inches!

1093. May! You're gonna die!

1094. I'm gonna feed you into your own machine!

1095. You were useless at farming. He didn't understand seasons,

1096. he didn't understand cheese.

1097. And then all your seed fell on fallow ground. I knew you were an onanist.

1098. Well... In fairness they did make me go back and do all that again.

1099. All through the night until my seed was

1100. evenly distributed in every furrow I could find.

1101. And, next year, we're going to harvest it and make it into delicious petrol!

1102. Absolutely! Then we'll be green and rich!

1103. But that's it for tonight. Thank you very much for watching.

1104. Next week, we make our own stretch limos which,

1105. well, doesn't go that well. But anyway,

1106. we'll see you then! Goodnight!