Top Gear 9x4

1. Tonight, one small stumble for man as we build a space shuttle.

2. - I drive a nuclear bomb disguised as a Mercedes.

3. And Simon Pegg makes aHot Fuzz in our reasonably priced car.

4. Help!

5. You're wrong. You're wrong.

6. Hello and welcome to an argument.

7. You see, there are two types, two types of petrolhead.

8. You've got idiots like this who like the Porsche 911,

9. then you got people like me, who'd rather have anthrax than a 911,

10. 'cause I'm a Ferrari person.

11. Yes, but when you actually owned a Ferrari,

12. you couldn't leave it parked on the street,

13. go out for dinner in it or anything,

14. 'cause you spent the whole meal worrying about who was bumping into it

15. or carving their name into it's precious paintback.

16. True. I once left the roof off and it was so full of phlegm when I got back

17. - I could have swum home but...

18. Exactly, and therefore, as a result of that

19. it spent its entire life cowering at home in your garage

20. and when you were eventually brave enough to want to use it,

21. by that time, the battery was flat. It was hopeless!

22. Yes, I know, but a Ferrari with a flat battery is an aesthetic thing.

23. You can enjoy looking at it, that's the...

24. Yes, but it's not moving. That's why I love the 911

25. because you can use it every day to go to places.

26. It's a car!

27. And now, there's a new turbo version,

28. which we asked him to drive in the hope he'd see the light.

29. This is the biggest 911 Turbo they've ever made,

30. but it's still no longer than a Toyota Prius,

31. no wider than a 3 Series BMW.

32. And unlike a normal supercar, it doesn't have Marilyn Monroe hips,

33. so it doesn't get stuck in multi-storey car parks.

34. What's more, it's not like threading through traffic in a post-box.

35. In a Ferrari, you can't really see where the buses are

36. so you can't carve them up.

37. But in this,

38. you can!

39. In a Ferrari you'd be forever worried about

40. graunching the nose on a speed hump.

41. But not in the 911.

42. And it doesn't even harm the sky very much, either.

43. It may have a flat six,

44. twin turbo engine,

45. but it only produces 300 carbon dioxides.

46. That's a 100 less than you get from the back of a Ferrari 430.

47. If you drive this car through a really polluted city,

48. Los Angeles, Calcutta, Harrogate, something like that,

49. the gas coming out of the exhaust pipes is less toxic

50. than the air going into the engine.

51. And I'm not joking. That's true.

52. This then is like a small, efficient, easy-to-use vacuum cleaner.

53. They should've called it the Porsche Dyson.

54. And it'll suck up your luggage too, because,

55. unlike any other supercar, its boot is easily big enough for your weekly shop.

56. There is the peach and peacock,

57. the cornerstone of any Porsche driver's Sunday lunch.

58. And there's still room left over for the ice cream

59. made from the bones of your defeated squash opponent.

60. And you can use this car on the school run, because it has back seats.

61. I mean, obviously, you'd have to have fairly thin children,

62. but then you would have, because you've got a Porsche 911,

63. so you'd have a thin wife.

64. I will concede, then,

65. that there's no everyday situation that flummoxes a 911 Turbo.

66. And so, because you can use it every day,

67. its battery won't be flat when the moment is right...

68. and you fancy a drive.

69. The new 911 Turbo has special, variable veined turbo chargers

70. that always work, whatever the revs.

71. You can even buy a special over-boost facility

72. which, for brief moments, can deliver 500 torques.

73. That gives it a very muscle-ly feel.

74. And it's got a special new 4-wheel drive system

75. that doesn't allow any form of under or oversteer.

76. You just get so much grip that your eyes start to hurt.

77. It's like being in a capsule of speed.

78. So, when the sun goes down,

79. you can really get cracking.

80. Okay, let's engage the stability management program

81. and put it in sport mode.

82. That's changed things a bit.

83. Now, every time I turn the steering wheel,

84. it feels like I'm drawing a line through the laws of physics.

85. This is not driving. This is pure maths.

86. So how does it compare to my beloved Ferrari?

87. Well, it has a smaller engine,

88. but because of the scram jet turbo chargers, it produces 480 break horsepower,

89. exactly what you get from the 430.

90. But then this is lighter than the Ferrari,

91. thanks to aluminium doors which weigh just 11 kilograms each.

92. It's also £20,000 less expensive.

93. Sure, it isn't as exciting as the Ferrari,

94. it's more about engineering than passion,

95. but I will admit the end results are astonishing!

96. Let me give you some performance figures.

97. Naught to 60, 3.9 seconds.

98. Top speed, near as makes no difference

99. 200 miles an hour.

100. But this is my favourite, okay,

101. 40 to 60 in second gear...

102. one second!

103. One!

104. It's amazing, because

105. it's not just more usable than a Ferrari, more practical,

106. but I think out here, in the real world,

107. with crests and dips and bumps and blind brows,

108. I think it's faster as well.

109. I really do.

110. Ah, you see!

111. Ladies... Ladies and gentlemen...

112. We must all rejoice because Clarkson has finally caught the bug!

113. No, I haven't. I still prefer the Ferrari.

114. Well, hang on, you've just spent the last six minutes

115. wasting our time telling us how that's faster, more powerful, lighter

116. - and more practical. How could you... And cheaper.

117. The thing is, now, I'm sorry,

118. that's like sitting in a Volkswagen Beetle with mustard up his bottom.

119. - As in...

120. Well, it's better than sitting a car that won't start but just looks a bit pretty.

121. Look, can we just...

122. Can I say, this argument's been going on for 40 years,

123. it will go on for another 40.

124. The correct place is in the pub, so we will do the news.

125. No, 'cause I've just thought of something else, okay.

126. It's really simple. It's all to do with...

127. I have passion for the Ferrari.

128. I respect that, but I have... It's like David Attenborough.

129. I respect David Attenborough, I mean, just infinite respect.

130. In the same way as I respect that car.

131. But I have no passion for him I don't want to make love to him.

132. - Yeah, but... - That's all I'm saying.

133. But I have respect and passion for the 911.

134. There you are, you've just admitted on television

135. you wanna make love to David Attenborough.

136. He's just said that.

137. Your logic, sometimes, mate, is the most warped thing... I don't...

138. Shut up!

139. Okay?

140. - We shall do the news. - Right.

141. And now, the news.

142. And we begin, this week...

143. Oh, bloody hell.

144. With...

145. With...

146. With...

147. With the Porsche 911.

148. More specifically, the Porsche 911 GT3 RS.

149. Oh, now, that is the business!

150. It's faster, lighter, it's tauter, it's possibly the ultimate 911.

151. In the same way that Ebola is the ultimate tropical disease.

152. What's all that scaffolding in the back?

153. Well, it's a roll cage, but when you take...

154. No, I'm sorry. If I see scaffolding around a building

155. I'll go, "They haven't finished that yet."

156. I'm sorry, I'm gonna say they haven't finished.

157. No, it's a roll cage!

158. Look, I will admit that's perhaps...

159. The only problem with this otherwise brilliant car

160. is that it's not the most practical.

161. If you want to pop down to the newspaper shop,

162. you've got to clamber in over the roll cage,

163. lower yourself into the bucket seat,

164. do up the 6 point race harness,

165. prime the fire extinguisher system. It's gonna take time.

166. So in the real world, my 1.2-litre Panda is faster to the shops?

167. - No, mate, it's just not. - No, it is.

168. I've only have to put the seatbelt on once.

169. You've got to do it six times.

170. Okay, I've got to do that and then wait whilst you put your seatbelts on

171. and then do all your pre-flight checks

172. and make sure the air vents are all...

173. Can I move this along? Do you mind?

174. Is it all right, because I've got something that's bugging me.

175. Has anyone see these average speed cameras they're kicking around now?

176. You know what I mean?

177. See, I was flying on the M25 the other day through the roadworks

178. had to do an average of 40 mph

179. measured by two cameras, one at the beginning, one at the end.

180. That's impossible!

181. It's impossible because you drive along

182. and you're sort of looking around and go

183. "Oh, Lord, I'm doing 42," because I'm going downhill.

184. You think "Oh, God, I've been doing that for half a mile

185. "so now I need to do half a mile at 38."

186. Which means that you can only look at the speedometer,

187. you can't look at anything else. Only the speedometer.

188. You're going through roadworks on the M25 in the rain at rush hour!

189. And I know what they're doing here. It's the government.

190. Gordon Brown has worked out

191. that he's got to pay all our pensions, 'cause we're all gonna live forever.

192. They're trying to kill us off!

193. But I know how to get round it.

194. Go past the first camera, pull over,

195. get the newspaper out, read it,

196. listen to the radio for 10 minutes,

197. do a 120 for the rest of the way.

198. That's not quite right, actually.

199. Because I can prove the way to keep traffic moving through the roadworks,

200. - which is where those average speed cameras are... - Yeah?

201. - ... is for everybody to go faster from the start. - Yeah?

202. It's all down to the work of the Swiss physicist Daniel Bernoulli.

203. - You're familiar with him? - Oh, him.

204. - Thought so. - He isn't!

205. - He is. - He's never heard of him.

206. What he essentially proved was that in a system,

207. the pressure and volume multiplied together must be a constant.

208. So if you've got a busy motorway and it gets thinner,

209. and there's less space for the cars to go through,

210. they must go faster for the flow-rate of cars to remain the same.

211. So it's like when you put your thumb over the end of a hose pipe

212. - the water comes out quicker. - That's exactly what it's like.

213. So how fast then, if you take a three-lane motorway down to one lane,

214. how fast does the traffic have to move in order to keep the flow-rate the same?

215. Well, the formula would be VN would be LO over LR times VE.

216. - So how fast is...

217. Which is 210.

218. - 210 mph! Well, there you go, ladies and gentlemen! Fair enough!

219. All buy Bugattis and Zondas to cure congestion.

220. Now, of course, the big news this week,

221. that's been occupying all the bulletins

222. is that 1.5, I think 1.5 million people have signed this petition

223. protesting about the plans to implement road charging. Pay as you go stuff.

224. If you want to add your name to that petition, here is the address.

225. Okay, that's the address.

226. Obviously, this being the BBC,

227. if you think rate pricing is a good idea

228. and you want to register your thoughts on that.

229. There's a website too. There it is.

230. - Um...

231. - And, um...

232. Best of luck with that.

233. The Mitsubishi Evo, we love that car, it's a great car, isn't it?

234. Well, This is the new one, the Evo X.

235. This is what it's probably gonna look like.

236. They've loaded it with loads of technology.

237. - Again it's got all these initials, ACD... Good.

238. - AYC... - Good.

239. - ASC, SAWC... - Yeah. Mmm...

240. - MIVEC... Keep talking to me like that!

241. If it's got all the technology

242. - I mean really road crossing technology... - It has.

243. and it looks as good as that. Oh!

244. Suddenly why do you need supercars? - Yeah, why do you?

245. - 'Cause if it looks like that and goes as well as it could. - Yeah.

246. There is a slight warning associated with those cars. Those big cars.

247. Of all that technology, I mean they really do...

248. - They go beyond flattering you when you drive it. - Mmm.

249. They sort of... Well, they become...

250. It's a bit like one of those automatic pianos

251. where you play in it and then take your hands off and it carries on playing.

252. There's a danger to cars like that

253. if you've got passengers with you and they're looking at you admiringly thinking

254. "Wow, what a brilliant driver, you're excellent."

255. Don't take your hands off the wheel to turn around because...

256. It will keep going. - And you'll look an idiot.

257. A couple of times recently on the programme,

258. we've said that there'll never be a car

259. to beat the Bugatti Veyron in our lifetime.

260. It's the ultimate expression of automotive engineering and will be for some time.

261. Turns out we might've been wrong, because look at this!

262. This is called the Melling Hellcat. I've got some figures for you.

263. It's got a 6-litre, quad turbo V10,

264. 1,175 bhp,

265. and a top speed, they're saying, of 270 mph.

266. Oh, rubbish! - What?

267. That's rubbish! I bet you that's not slippery enough.

268. - You mean not aerodynamic enough? - Yeah.

269. Can you please not ask me to be the one to find out.

270. I just don't fancy it.

271. Hey, last week, did you see the American programme? Last week?

272. Yes.

273. We, you know we got into a spot of bother in a petrol station in Alabama.

274. - Turned out we missed a trick.

275. 'Cause you know when that woman came out and she said

276. "Are you gay or are you looking to get beat up in a hip town?"

277. You know what?

278. And I said, "Oh, no, no, I'm actually married with three children."

279. If only you'd said, "Well, actually I'm married with two children"

280. we could've just pointed at bachelor boy here.

281. The one with long hair, is it?

282. Exactly! Watch them kick the snot out of him!

283. - Chaps... Yeah.

284. news from the BBC. Okay.

285. If you're a BBC employee and you drive fleet cars or hire cars,

286. you've now got to go on a safe driving programme.

287. - Well, we drive those. Do we have to... - We do. Yes, we do.

288. - No way! - I'm absolutely not kidding. It says here,

289. "BBC... Driving is now acknowledged

290. "as one of the most serious work-related health and safety issues."

291. It isn't! It's just something that's more comfortable than walking.

292. And then it goes on, "The BBC's committed in reducing

293. "the risks associated with this activity."

294. They're making it sound like masturbation!

295. - Stop driving, you'll go blind! - Exactly.

296. I've got some of the questions

297. and I'd like to share, some of the questions

298. BBC employees have to face, with you, okay.

299. Are you ready? We'll bring them up on the screen. There.

300. "You have a blow out on the motorway," one for you here, Hammond,

301. - "what instinctive reaction...

302. "What instinctive reaction should you avoid?"

303. "Accelerating."

304. What? As if, "My tyre's gone!"

305. This is instinctive reactions?

306. - "Taking your hands off the steering wheel"? - Well, That'll help.

307. They're just maniacs.

308. I'm so irritated by this. I can't believe it. And then...

309. Exceeding the speed limit in a built-up area

310. is acceptable in vehicles fitted with anti-lock braking systems.

311. What? - "Do you strongly disagree, disagree or strongly agree?"

312. It's not gonna be an excuse, is it?

313. "Yeah, officer, it's okay,

314. "I was doing a 110 through the village, I have ABS."

315. Yeah, no ticket for me.

316. "Why are you looking angry with me, officer?"

317. "What's the primary hazard facing drivers when driving at night?"

318. Anyone want to hazard a guess at that?

319. - No, hang on. Yeah, go on.

320. Yeah?

321. What?

322. The dark. - The dark. Anything else?

323. Germans! - Germans.

324. - These are all valid points... valid points.

325. None of these things are on my list. Anybody else got any thoughts?

326. Peasants. - Peasants!

327. No, it's "Glare from other vehicle's head lamps.

328. "Cyclists in dark clothing."

329. That's their own fault for not working hard enough and having a car.

330. - "Fatigue and staying alert."

331. And it now means you've got to spend 20 minutes next week failing the test

332. and then going on a course.

333. I'm sorry, we won't be here, ladies and gentlemen, next week.

334. But we'll be much safer drivers when we get back.

335. Now here on Top Gear, as you know, we like a bit of a challenge.

336. We've made amphibious cars, we've made a convertible people carrier

337. but now time to see if we can conquer the final frontier.

338. - Space. - No.

339. - Hang on. What do you mean, "No"? - No.

340. No, you see, we wanted to find out

341. if you could make a car into a spaceship.

342. Yes. And I thought this was the single stupidest idea I'd ever heard in my life

343. and refused to have any part in it.

344. Ah, you see, but you'd underestimated the genius of our space-based plan.

345. One of the problems with space rockets is that they're jolly expensive.

346. The super powers spend billions

347. trying to get their hardware up amongst the stars.

348. But we thought you could do it for a lot less cash

349. if you based your space rocket on a car.

350. That meant getting hold of the most rocket-shaped car we could think of.

351. Yes, it's been around for 30 years,

352. and for 29 of those years it's been a complete joke.

353. Now though, we're gonna see if the Reliant Robin has the makings of a spaceship.

354. Its light, it's cheap and it tapers to a point like a rocket.

355. So we're already heading in the right direction.

356. But we're not gonna strap rockets to it,

357. set it off and wave it goodbye.

358. Because we're gonna see

359. if we can turn it into the most difficult of all spacecraft.

360. The one that has to take off and be used again.

361. A space shuttle.

362. If you're eight, you're probably gonna want to see what happens next.

363. Our first job had been to put a call in to the rocketeers.

364. These were the men who helped to send a Mini down a ski jump

365. for the Top Gear Winter Olympics.

366. Three, two, one! Initiate!

367. James and I convened a meeting at their headquarters

368. just outside the Derbyshire town of Glossop.

369. It's not exactly the Kennedy Space Center, is it?

370. Oh, I don't know.

371. Inside we'd assembled a motley crew of boffins.

372. Right, gentlemen, what we want from you is

373. the most difficult type of space rocket.

374. A...

375. space shuttle.

376. This has to work properly.

377. It has to have the big fuel tank,

378. it has to have the booster rockets,

379. they all have to separate, and most importantly

380. we have to be able to bring it back down under control to a landing.

381. And it's worth saying as well that nobody is going to go in this.

382. Yeah. - But it has to be landed.

383. Yeah, the idea of this is that we will send it up to a few thousand feet.

384. What we're doing is testing the principle

385. if you can make all this work and we can bring it into this controlled landing

386. we will probably get funding from the EU for a proper space mission.

387. So you want to launch it. Jettison the SRB.

388. - Jettison the SRB - Jettison the orbiter.

389. - And fly it down. - What's the orbiter?

390. - The Reliant. - Right.

391. - Have you got a spare billion dollars though? - No.

392. You see, that why we've come to you.

393. Because you're form Manchester and you'll be able to do it for 10 and six.

394. And there'll be as much tea as you can drink.

395. Yeah, chips in lard, everything. Anything you want.

396. The rocket men did some calculations on the back of a laptop.

397. How do we make this bloody thing work?

398. Well, we've got the Robin.

399. They've given us Robin, haven't they.

400. - That's a starting point. - Whoopee. Whoopee. Whoopee.

401. We've got a Robin!

402. An hour later and it looks as though Jeremy might have had a point.

403. It is difficult in every single way.

404. Right.

405. You've got a Reliant Robin,

406. - it's a car so it's really, really heavy. - Yeah.

407. So rough numbers,

408. we're gonna need about 12 times the amount of power that the Mini had...

409. Really?

410. It's the largest non-commercial rocket launched in Europe.

411. It's the most powerful non-commercial rocket launched in Europe.

412. Right.

413. As a rocket, it's the most awful shape it could ever be.

414. But I thought the Robin was a good place to start because...

415. It's pointy at one end.

416. That's as far as we got with that.

417. It's pointy, shuck, yeah.

418. Nevertheless, they set to work with James in tow.

419. While May was in his element in the world's biggest allotment shed...

420. Aw! Look at that!

421. I was trying to work out how to land a Reliant Robin.

422. If rockets are deployed...

423. Land it like that.

424. I wrestled with the problem for ages before I had a brainwave.

425. Hello. Is that Model Airplanemonthly?

426. Great. I need some help...

427. This, I think, is the answer, if in a more powerful version well, of whatever this is,

428. to our space shuttle.

429. Then we take control of it from the ground after it's jettisoned its rocket

430. and fly it in by remote. It's a good plan.

431. Just gotta get good at flying!

432. I thought it best to sack myself from this job

433. and instead hired Steve Holland,

434. a champion model aeroplane pilot.

435. Yeah, now that is more like it, Steve.

436. How are you at flying cars?

437. - Cars? - Small cars.

438. With Steve the pilot on board, I went back to check on James' build,

439. and I was in for a shock.

440. Bloody hell, James!

441. It's enormous!

442. That's a solid rocket booster, there are two of those.

443. That hasn't even got its nose cone on yet.

444. It's actually a bit bigger than that.

445. But it's... I was thinking firework on a stick.

446. I know. So was I.

447. But that isn't the biggest bit.

448. No, the external fuel tank was the biggest bit,

449. complete with extra rockets in the bottom

450. then there were more rockets in the Reliant,

451. and explosive bolts to separate everything.

452. The whole construction was mind-bogglingly complicated.

453. What occurs to me now is the list of things to go wrong...

454. - Is enormous. - Yeah.

455. And if any one of them goes wrong...

456. See, I've been worried about the landing.

457. The chances of getting as far as the landing on the day, are now...

458. - How did you get on with your flying, by the way? - Good.

459. The next problem was a biggie.

460. The rocketeers were worried that because of the Robin's odd shape,

461. the whole shuttle would spear off course during the ascent.

462. So, we're happy we've got the power.

463. Yeah, eight tonnes of thrust.

464. And the thing only weighs one-and-a-half so it's gonna go somewhere.

465. It's not going to work, is it?

466. - Well, it's got to work. We're a long way into it now. - What's that?

467. Yeah, I know, but if you look at it like this it makes a lot more sense.

468. - May, we've got to make sure it doesn't just launch.

469. I mean like...

470. It could fall onto its back in the sky or anything.

471. This isn't about power now.

472. This is about the shape of it and how that will affect where it goes.

473. Where it goes. It's aerodynamic.

474. We need an aerodynamics expert to look at all this stuff.

475. One grovelling phone call to the University of the West of England,

476. and we secured permission to use their wind tunnel.

477. And because it was free, we assumed it was self-service.

478. - Go! - Well, what do you mean, "Go"? I don't know what...

479. Uh...

480. Do that!

481. That's good!

482. No matter how hard he tried,

483. James couldn't make himself into the shape of a Reliant Robin,

484. even with help.

485. Thankfully, two eggheads arrived

486. with the scale model of our shuttle.

487. You see a beard like that and you know you're in safe hands.

488. Yup.

489. Well, basically, we're looking for anything aerodynamically nasty.

490. Yeah, the Reliant is a problem aerodynamically.

491. Well, they didn't really design it with this in mind, did they?

492. Is there any wash-out or wash-in on the wings?

493. Basically it's simple... symmetrical aerofoils.

494. I don't know what you two are saying.

495. - Well, there is the aerofoil section of the wing... - Duh...

496. Right.

497. So, the big question,

498. will it fly?

499. I took it from his silence that he had his doubts.

500. And he wasn't alone.

501. Like the real thing, our shuttle would glide back to earth without power.

502. And Steve, our pilot, had also built a model to show how well it did this.

503. What is it actually going to feel like to fly, do you think?

504. Well, it's gonna come down like a lift with the cable cut.

505. You're not filling me with hope, Steve.

506. Well, most normal aeroplanes, they sort of glide for about, you know,

507. they fly 20 feet forward, they lose about a foot in height.

508. Yeah.

509. I'm afraid the Robin is the other way round.

510. Three, two, one...

511. And when the model was released from its tow plane...

512. It's just plummeting to the Earth!

513. I'd rather you than me, I tell you!

514. So, there were doubts about our space shuttle going up.

515. And doubts about it coming down.

516. But it was too late to worry now because she was ready

517. and on her way to the launch site.

518. Don't worry, I still like cars, I promise!

519. Anyway, we'll pick up the ludicrous story later on,

520. but now it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

521. My guest tonight is the hero of a new American Hollywood action film

522. that's set in a sleepy British village, sort of Die Heart... beat.

523. Anyway, here he is, Simon Pegg!

524. How are you?

525. Good to see you! Have a seat.

526. A superstar!

527. Now, uh, I gotta say

528. - we don't really do plug-in very much on this show. - Yeah.

529. I'm not very good at it. I also like to say how it is.

530. - You know? - You keep it real.

531. Yes, if some warbler comes up with a new record that's terrible

532. we gonna say, "Your record is terrible."

533. - But your new film, Hot Fuzz,

534. - man, that's funny! - Good.

535. As far as I can work out,

536. the idea is to make British cops cool, is that right?

537. Yes, we just thought, there's been a big sort of tradition of

538. British films being about the gangsters

539. and being about the crime sort of world

540. because it's easier to make them look cool

541. because they've got shooters and stuff, you know.

542. Whereas the British cops, it's slightly against them in terms of their cool.

543. It's a very traditional force,

544. you know the uniforms only just starting to get practical,

545. - and so, it's hard to be cool and a British cop. - Hmm.

546. And the one thing that was difficult

547. for our police force in terms of the cool-o-metre is the pointy tall hat

548. which pregnant women are still allowed to wee in...

549. - That's true.

550. If they're caught short in the town centre.

551. You're allowed to wee in a policeman's hat?

552. Absolutely. If you're pregnant.

553. - I can claim that!

554. - Come here, officer. Ooh, thanks a lot, mate!

555. - And the other, of course, we gotta get on to car chases. - Yeah.

556. Again the American car tends to be rear-wheel drive in a police chase.

557. - You used Astra diesels.

558. Nothing but the best.

559. Well, that's what, you know, a lot of the police are kind of lumbered with.

560. And because actually the chase is... It's another Astra diesel in the chase,

561. it's like fire and ice.

562. That chase would never end until the fuel ran out. Do you know what I mean?

563. 'Cause there's no... They're the same.

564. Two Astra's chasing each other.

565. It's like the immovable force and the unstoppable object.

566. The other awful thing about the Astra diesel is

567. you know those World's Wildest Police Chase Videosthing.

568. - Yeah. - I once watched one of those in America.

569. And they said, "We got a clip from England now..."

570. - I'm just dying of shame.

571. And sure enough it went around a corner on a housing estate

572. and bumped into a plant pot.

573. - Imagine!

574. Now you say you had some driver training for the film.

575. Did you have gun training as well?

576. We did a couple of days. I was pretty proficient anyway.

577. - I'm a great shot. - You a gun man?

578. I've got a bunch or weapons. I pack heat.

579. We had some amazing days of just...

580. Whole days running through Wells town centre

581. firing off the Winchester 1300 M pump action shot guns.

582. - The 1300 M. - It's a lovely weapon.

583. Yeah. I like the way you throw the model name in there.

584. Nick Frost calls it... He called it Emma.

585. - He was that attached to it.

586. And when we were doing Spaced, he had to dismantle a gun for the show.

587. So he took a replica MP5 home, which is a machine gun.

588. Um, he took all his clothes off.

589. - No, he...

590. He stripped to the waist. It was summertime.

591. And he put a blindfold on and was kind of doing this.

592. Took the blindfold off to check the watch

593. and there were eight armed police officers in the living room

594. with their guns drawn, like you know,

595. and they made their decision that if Nick went like that as opposed to that,

596. which is what he did, they were gonna shoot him.

597. - Really? - Yeah. And he phoned me afterwards

598. Simon, they've come to...

599. And he said... Apparently he was going "I'm an actor. I'm an actor."

600. And there were like "Where's you Equity card?"

601. "They've changed the ruling, you don't need one any more."

602. Now, can I just move on, 'cause films,

603. - you're a bit of a buff I gather. - I am a bit.

604. - Star Wars, in particular. - Yeah, absolutely.

605. Did you not once write a 3,500-word essay

606. on why you thought C-3PO was gay?

607. - No, no.

608. That was a part of it.

609. What I wrote was... I analysed Star Wars

610. - from a Marxist perspective in terms of saying...

611. what it was, was the idea that there were lots of things in Star Wars

612. that are pretty right-winged.

613. It came after Vietnam.

614. It was a big expression of American white middle class power

615. and the rejection of the old order of the English.

616. And you could argue that C-3PO was a kind of emasculated homosexual.

617. Because he's very camp, but he was safe because he didn't have a willy.

618. So it was okay.

619. Homosexual men have willies.

620. He's sexually non-threatening.

621. - Graham Norton's got a willy. - How do you know?

622. Do you know what, I must admit when I was doing my lap

623. I was just wishing that I could hear The Stig like Ben Kenobi.

624. Yes.

625. "Slower around the corner, Simon, slower around the corner."

626. Anyway, listen, who would like to see Simon's lap.

627. Yeah.

628. Okay, let's have a look at this.

629. Good screech.

630. That's good. - Nice.

631. Nice. - Slight wheel spin.

632. That's kind of like my job, actually,

633. that the commentary on what the car's like.

634. - Oh, yeah.

635. That was pleasant.

636. - Very pleasant.

637. "Pleasant" is not a word I've ever... Look at that!

638. That was my favourite bend, that one.

639. Why did you... It was so good you just kept it going.

640. in gear, you.

641. That hurt.

642. A leaf from Hugh Grant there from a couple of weeks ago.

643. And nice!

644. This is good.

645. - Help.

646. That's the first cry for help we've had.

647. That was so much fun.

648. I was just saying you've...

649. God, if you can nail this one you're laughing.

650. The eyes.

651. No, where's the speed gone?

652. I know, that was my worst corner.

653. No, oh, you slowed down.

654. I know, I know, I know,

655. Oh, across the line there!

656. - He's fast... - It was all right.

657. It gets the adrenaline going, doesn't it?

658. It really, really does. It was so much fun.

659. Where do you think you've come?

660. I'd hope for kind of upper middle.

661. - Above Coogan, please. - Above Coogan.

662. You did it in one minute, so you're above Jimmy Carr,

663. forty... So already you're above Coogan,

664. 8.5. So way above Coogan.

665. Nice one!

666. Thank you.

667. I think if I'd nailed that corner.

668. That was the one that bothered me.

669. I'd reckon if you'd have done those last two corners

670. - at sort of Michael Gambon speeds...

671. - You would have been there, honestly, with Gordon Ramsay. - Yeah.

672. That was a very good lap.

673. It felt really great.

674. Well, best of luck with the film, and thank you for coming.

675. Ladies and gentlemen, Simon Pegg!

676. - Thank you.

677. Now, in the olden days

678. it was terribly easy to tune up a mass produced car.

679. You put a bigger carburettor on it.

680. You made an air scoop for the bonnet, added plywood,

681. and away you went.

682. These days though, it's not quite so easy.

683. Now, it is especially tricky

684. if you start out with something like this Mercedes SL 65.

685. 517 horsepower, V12 twin turbo.

686. I mean, how can a tuning company

687. possibly make this better than it already is.

688. And if they could, what kind of monster would you end up with?

689. Well, you'd end up with this.

690. The most powerful convertible ever made.

691. Welcome, everyone, to the £160,000 Brabus S Biturbo Roadster.

692. Sweet mother of God, this is fast!

693. The secret to all this speed, of course, is the engine.

694. What Brabus do is take the standard Mercedes V12

695. and then throw almost all of it away.

696. Only the cylinder block remains, and even that is modified.

697. Everything else is new.

698. New and bigger.

699. The original car has five-and-a-half litres.

700. This is a 6.3 and the result of that is dramatic.

701. 730 bhp.

702. That's more than any Bentley, more than any Ferrari.

703. More than any Lamborghini, even.

704. Of course it's not actually that difficult to screw 730 horsepower from an engine.

705. But it is difficult to put all that power on the road.

706. And it's nigh on impossible when the engine is churning out

707. an almost ridiculous 1,000 torques.

708. A 1,00 torques is what you'd use for restarting a dead planet.

709. It's so much that when they put the engine in

710. the car wouldn't move at all.

711. The traction control just sat there going, "This is impossible."

712. And when they turned the traction control off

713. the rear wheels spun till the tyres burst.

714. As a result they've now limited it to just 811 torques,

715. which is about what you'd use to power

716. a medium-sized aircraft carrier.

717. Now, at this point, you're probably expecting me to say

718. that they've limited the top speed as well

719. and, I'm afraid they have,

720. to, um...

721. 219 miles an hour!

722. The top speed is incredible, but the way it gets there boggles the mind.

723. A 100...

724. A 120...

725. A 140...

726. I'm now going a 180...

727. Faster than the top speed of an Apache helicopter gunship.

728. And I'm running out of runway!

729. I suppose, I ought to explain at this point

730. that Mercedes limit this car to a 155mph

731. because that's the limit of what various components can take.

732. So, if you're going to make it go 219mph,

733. those components have to be changed.

734. That discreet body kit, therefore, is not for show.

735. It's there to keep me on the ground,

736. which is handy when you're doing 320 feet a second.

737. And what kind of under-floor engineering does the Brabus have

738. to keep it in check at this kind of speed?

739. Well, put simply, it's all very big.

740. The brakes are the size of dustbin lids and have 12 pistons each.

741. The tyres could encompass Neptune and at speed,

742. the whole car sits lower to the road than normal by 15 millimetres.

743. So, has it worked?

744. No, not really.

745. Even though, they've reined in the torque

746. there's still far too much of it.

747. Every time you go near the throttle, even in a straight line,

748. you get the traction control going, "Brrr... I don't know what to do!"

749. Even if you turn the traction control off,

750. this being a Mercedes of course, it isn't really off.

751. You've got the brakes stabbing away at the back tyres

752. desperately trying to control the mountain of torque.

753. Just wasting their time.

754. Honestly, you may as well blow on an oil rig fire.

755. You have to develop a new technique which is blast down the straight...

756. hard on the brakes...

757. Ooh, I think I've just made a crease in the runway!

758. And then go very slowly,

759. slowly ease the power in, still, the traction control squirming away...

760. And then... Oh, no, no, that was too much!

761. It's very hard work, this!

762. And worse, after a worryingly short amount of time,

763. the brakes were completely shot.

764. Still, at least this meant I could pull over and stop the madness.

765. In terms of handling, then, this car is a nightmare.

766. It just cannot cope with the volcano under the bonnet.

767. Here, then, is two and a bit tonnes of proof

768. that absolute power really does corrupt absolutely.

769. So, it's rubbish?

770. Well, we're going to find out by putting it on our track.

771. And that of course means handing it over to our tame racing driver.

772. Some say that if you lick his chest,

773. it tastes exactly the same as piccalilli.

774. And that at this week's Awards,

775. he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand...

776. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

777. Away he goes.

778. His tyres struggling to contain all the torques.

779. He's piling into the first corner already.

780. A mighty struggle between power, traction control and The Stig.

781. Look at that! Unbelievable driving!

782. He could hear the other's heart beating...

783. as if they shared just one between them.

784. Stig's talking book collection getting another airing there

785. as he barrels through Chicago. Not looking all that fast.

786. Just gotta say, kind of lunatic of a car, this thing.

787. Through Hammerhead.

788. Look, you can actually see it wobbling around as the computers...

789. Look at it. Struggling to try and keep it on the straight and narrow.

790. Nearly hinging the tyres low.

791. "I love him," she shouted it to the elements.

792. "I love him!"

793. Through the follow-through he can really wind it up here,

794. make up some lost time.

795. But he's got to have lifted, even The Stig's not that stupid.

796. But it just doesn't look that fast.

797. You can't get the power on when you want to in it.

798. Second to last corner, just holding it on the track!

799. Through Gambon, barely contained explosion, and across the line!

800. Oh, yeah, you're applauding, but...

801. Ready?

802. An entirely predictable 1.26.2.

803. And the problem is very straightforward, okay.

804. Mercedes spend £1 million a day on research and development.

805. A million a day. So they've got the best brains in the world,

806. with all the money in the world,

807. to make the standard car as good as it can be.

808. However, I don't think that this is the end for tuning companies,

809. because, if you look at the Jag here, okay,

810. they spent 35p designing this.

811. Now, make no mistake, I love it, It's beautiful, but,

812. I do think there's more power to be got out of the V8 under this bonnet.

813. This is a prime candidate for someone to come along and tune it up a bit.

814. You're right. You're right. And what's more, we're British.

815. We are the inventors of everything.

816. It is time to brace ourselves,

817. hasten unto the shed

818. and liberate ourselves from the abyss made dark

819. by the lights of perverted German science.

820. I think he really has lost it this week.

821. But it doesn't matter because we can move on because it's time

822. for the Cool Wall.

823. Yes!

824. We're beginning by moving all the four-wheel drive cars down.

825. - All of them? - All of them are going down.

826. - Hang on! - Times have moved on, Richard. 21st century and all that.

827. Look, okay, I appreciate, but not all 4x4s are driven by women around Chelsea.

828. No, listen, I agree with you, I agree I'm sure with most people here

829. that 4x4s are not killing polar bears but...

830. Some of us live in the country, we need them.

831. You can't move them all down the wall.

832. Cars are all about pulling women,

833. for us obviously. Yes, you know what I mean, for blokes.

834. - Yeah. - That's what it's all about.

835. You're not gonna pull socialist women with these 'cause they don't like them.

836. What does that matter? Sorry, mate, you're not making sense.

837. Socialist women are better in bed than Tory women.

838. Let me put it to you this way, okay?

839. I'll give you a straight choice.

840. Vanessa Redgrave or Ann Widdecombe.

841. - Crikey! Vanessa Redgrave. - There you are!

842. Vanessa Redgrave. And as a result they've all got to come down the board.

843. They're not cool any more driving around in them. They're just not.

844. And do you know what I'm gonna do to celebrate this?

845. I'm gonna buy a Range Rover.

846. I'm going to get a V8 one, petrol. What have you got there?

847. This is the new Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder.

848. What do we think?

849. How cool's that?

850. What? Sub zero? In the fridge?

851. - Sub zero. - Sub zero.

852. - In the fridge. - Sub zero. All wrong.

853. Hold, on everybody, with your opinions.

854. There are a couple of really crucial things you need to know about this car.

855. - Number one, he's just bought one. - Look at this!

856. Number two, I'm having the wall extended through that wall down there

857. to add a new really, really, really seriously uncool section.

858. That is true. Obviously if we buy one,

859. we ruin the reputation of that car,

860. which is why we put that over there.

861. But this the 4GT can at last come up here 'cause I've got rid of it!

862. Now, next one, Porsche 911...

863. - GT3 RS. - GT3 RS.

864. - It's a brilliant, brilliant car. - But...

865. Even I'm not gonna argue that that's cool.

866. The scaffolding. Kristin Scott Thomas,

867. this is the test we have, as you know.

868. She gets in that, "Why have you got scaffolding in the back?"

869. You're gonna have to explain "It's a roll cage in case I fall over..."

870. In case I roll over she's just going to get out.

871. Why has it got a fire extinguisher.

872. In case we burst into flames on a race track.

873. 'Cause honestly, with all that stuff in there it's like...

874. Her opening the glove box and going, "Why have you got Dettol in here?"

875. "Boo, it's in case my eye infection flares up again."

876. So, it's going right down here. I'll tell you what...

877. You know if you put a cock-o-metre at the side of the road?

878. - A what? - A cock-o-metre.

879. You know you drive into villages these days it tell you your speed.

880. If there was another one alongside

881. like one of those thermometers outside a church

882. telling you how much of a cock you look.

883. This'd be right off the scale if you drove by in one of those.

884. - I'm not joking. What have you got?

885. - That is a Kia Cee'd. - Oh, for God's sake!

886. - Ah, yes, now, hang on... - I'm losing the will to live.

887. Does anybody here think that's cool?

888. - Absolute rubbish. - Have you driven one?

889. I wouldn't want one.

890. - No? Yes? - No.

891. - Did someone say yes? - Yes, there's a lady here saying, "Yes".

892. - You've driven a Kia Cee'd? - I work for Kia.

893. On purpose or is it just bad unemployment in your town?

894. It's a fabulous car and it's a fabulous company.

895. Really?

896. - You're not helping me there. - No, except for one tiny detail.

897. The Koreans eat dogs.

898. You're going to come down one morning

899. and don't come crying to me if you find Top Geardog in a bap.

900. Again this is your logic and it's frightening.

901. I'm telling you, I'm on the money! Come on, be honest.

902. Why if you work for Kia have you got a TVR T-shirt on?

903. Because TVRs are British and they're fast and they're subzero.

904. Everything Kias aren't.

905. Right.

906. This Ducati 1098...

907. I'm sorry, what are you doing?

908. It's a Ducati 1098. I'd like to put it forward to go on the board.

909. And I'd like to put it...

910. Seriously, no, there's every reason why this is a very cool bike.

911. Now, earlier on, Richard Hammond and I

912. were attempting to prove John F. Clarkson wrong,

913. by turning a Reliant Robin into a space shuttle.

914. When we left the action, it was all going terribly well.

915. The launch site was a military base

916. whose whereabouts are a top secret.

917. The build began and soon the main fuel tank was assembled

918. and attached to the launch pad

919. together with the solid rocket boosters.

920. These parts contained the 8.5 tonnes of rocket power

921. that would take the Reliant up into the heavens.

922. Here's what terrifies me.

923. As it is here, on that, let's be honest, bit of scaffolding...

924. Yeah.

925. Just the tiniest, you know, that's Birmingham or

926. that's John o'Groats.

927. Look, its fine. It's held down with some old concrete blocks

928. and some straps that you use to hold furniture down in a removal van.

929. That's perfect.

930. Right, there must be something useful we can do somewhere.

931. As it happened, there was.

932. We were sent off to dig a bunker for Steve,

933. the model aeroplane pilot who would glide the Reliant in.

934. But that wasn't easy

935. because the launch site is littered with unexploded bombs.

936. "Thank you for choosing a precision metal detector.

937. "With your metal detector, you can hunt for coins, relics, jewellery,

938. "gold and silver just about anywhere."

939. - Does it say bombs? - No.

940. James had bought his metal detector at Argos.

941. - So I got myself some serious body armour.

942. You've found my JCB.

943. I just worked out something though from this.

944. It only works down to a depth of about three inches.

945. As it turned out, it all went rather well...

946. in the main.

947. Look what he's done!

948. You philistine!

949. Finally, our bunker was finished.

950. So that's it then. Good.

951. With Steve now fully protected,

952. we went back to the launch site,

953. where there was good news.

954. Bang on time for its date with destiny,

955. the Reliant Robin had arrived.

956. You're all right, you're all right.

957. - Keep it coming. On that line. - You're all right.

958. You're all right. - Yep.

959. You're all right.

960. - Back. - Nice.

961. And stop.

962. That is the business end of a reusable Reliant orbiter.

963. Wow!

964. Then we were entrusted with another job.

965. I reveal to you...

966. the legend.

967. You spanner!

968. What? That's where it goes, on the wing.

969. - What's it gonna look like when it's pointing upwards? - Brilliant.

970. Upside down?

971. As night fell,

972. the most delicate and risky part of the operation began,

973. attaching the Reliant space orbiter to the rockets and fuel tank.

974. We're not kidding, this bit is genuinely very scary

975. because as they're mounting it up,

976. and it's quite complicated with all the linkages,

977. if the shuttle clonks it and bends any of the release mechanisms,

978. it won't come off and then the shuttle and the tank will come down.

979. Yeah.

980. Shall we go over and help?

981. I think not.

982. Did you hear that really un-macho thing he said just now?

983. - What? - "Right, come on, lads, let's get this Robin..."

984. Oh, a ladder's coming out.

985. Again, NASA, they don't keep a stepladder on the launch pad.

986. One small stepladder...

987. Will you stop laughing? They'll get really cross!

988. Finally, the Robin was attached

989. and the completed space shuttle made for a truly awesome sight.

990. Everything was looking good.

991. But later, in our suite at the local Ritz-Sheraton,

992. I was a worried man.

993. - Hammond? - What?

994. What do you think the chances are of it actually working?

995. It'll work.

996. It's just that you know when we do these big things

997. they usually end in some sort of massive disaster.

998. I'd quite like this one to work.

999. Well, it's up, it's built, but it's worth a quick reminder

1000. of exactly what is going to happen.

1001. Absolutely. We've got 8.5 tonnes of rocket thrust

1002. to push that thing off the ground

1003. and at about 1,000ft, the two solid rocket boosters will be empty.

1004. They will fall away and come down on parachutes, doing about 100mph.

1005. Yeah, it'll continue accelerating to about 140,

1006. then at about 3,000 feet, the orbiter itself will detach from the main body.

1007. That's when Steve the pilot takes control.

1008. It's his job to glide it in.

1009. He has the option of firing three rockets to extend that glide.

1010. He'll then put it down on the deck, on the landing strip,

1011. and prove that it's a reusable craft.

1012. - Yeah. - Of course,

1013. - all that we've said is just words. - Words.

1014. 'Cause let's be honest, who knows?

1015. The last few hours were taken up with final preparations

1016. and with such an ambitious project as this,

1017. the complexity of the on board systems was simply staggering.

1018. Each electronic component had to talk to every other electronic component

1019. at exactly the right time.

1020. There have been one or two delays.

1021. Most of these are of an electrical nature.

1022. There's a long wire leading from launch control down to the rocket

1023. and unfortunately that had a break in it, somehow.

1024. James, a cow ran through it!

1025. Yeah, okay. But that's all sorted. We are now fuelling the bird.

1026. And once that's done, there can be no delays.

1027. - It's full of fuel so they have to light that candle. - Yeah.

1028. The tension now was almost unbearable.

1029. You could almost hear Jeremy preparing some intergalactic smugness.

1030. So, would it stay on course during the ascent?

1031. Would the rockets and the fuel tank detach?

1032. And would Steve, who by the way had refused our kind offer of a bunker,

1033. be able to pilot the Robin down safely?

1034. In just a few seconds, we'd know.

1035. Oh, yeah!

1036. Yes!

1037. Go on!

1038. Yes!

1039. It's not coming off!

1040. - Separate! Separate! - No. No.

1041. Set two. Set two.

1042. Separate!

1043. Twelve, 1,000!

1044. Break! Break!

1045. - Oh, oh, oh, no! - Shit.

1046. - That's why... - How were you gonna use it again?

1047. That's enough. Really!

1048. Next week, these two completely lose touch with reality

1049. and try to get to the centre of the Earth with a lawnmower!

1050. I think we did quite well.

1051. By what measure do you arrive at that conclusion?

1052. Well, in fairness, it was only one bolt that let us down.

1053. It was only one iceberg that sank the Titanic! It's insane.

1054. The fact of the matter is you just blew a big hole in Northumberland.

1055. Yeah, and next week, we are all of us

1056. ruining Bedfordshire with tractors.

1057. That's true, but don't worry,

1058. because I'm also driving up and down our track very fast in a Lamborghini.

1059. So, we really hope we'll see you then.

1060. Take care, good night!