Top Gear 9x2

1. Tonight, Hugh Grant stars in our reasonably priced car,

2. and is the new Audi TT any good?

3. We find out by playing golf!

4. Hello, and welcome.

5. Thank you for that.

6. Thank you.

7. Now...

8. Now, as I'm sure you know...

9. As I'm sure you know, James May is the slowest man in the entire world.

10. By the time he sets off anywhere, normally his hair has grown another inch,

11. so, plainly, he was the ideal man

12. to try and max the fastest car in the world.

13. Vlad the Impaler is back.

14. Last year, the mighty Bugatti Veyron

15. starred in our greatest Top Gear challenge ever,

16. when it raced an aeroplane across the continent.

17. In that film, Jeremy talked endlessly

18. about the Veyron's ferocious power and its incredible top speed,

19. but because he was on public roads,

20. he had to stick to the speed limit.

21. But today, we're not going to talk about it. We're going to do it.

22. We're going to take the fastest production car in the world

23. up to its top speed.

24. That top speed is 253 miles per hour.

25. Much faster than a Formula One car.

26. And when you think that the Veyron has airbags, air conditioning, a stereo,

27. a boot and all the other stuff F1 cars aren't burdened with,

28. you realise what an incredible machine this is.

29. The Veyron is about pushing the outside of the envelope.

30. It's about doing things that people said just were not possible.

31. This car is a sort of Concorde moment.

32. Getting the car to do 155 miles per hour frankly isn't really very difficult.

33. The Veyron needs just a piffling

34. 270 horsepower to reach that speed.

35. But 253? Crikey!

36. The faster you go, the more Mother Nature tries to hold you back,

37. so to do the next 100 miles per hour,

38. the 100 miles per hour that takes you up to 250,

39. needs another 730 horsepower.

40. So what you end up with is a 16-cylinder engine

41. with four turbo chargers,

42. producing 1,001 horsepower.

43. And a lot of heat.

44. That's why your car has one radiator and this car has 10.

45. The engineers really were in uncharted territory with this car.

46. Here's an example.

47. When they wanted to sort out the high-speed aerodynamics,

48. they went to the Sauber F1 team,

49. and they said, "Do you mind awfully if we use your wind tunnel?"

50. And they said, "Terribly sorry, but we don't go up to those speeds."

51. In fact, cracking 253 mph caused nightmare after nightmare.

52. But Bugatti insist that this £850,000 car

53. can do it.

54. Mind you, actually testing their bold claim

55. is a bit of a palaver.

56. This is Ehra-Lessien,

57. Volkswagen's maximum-security test track in Germany.

58. When it was built during the Cold War,

59. it was deliberately sited in a no-fly zone

60. near the East German border,

61. in order to stop prying eyes from seeing secret prototypes.

62. It has over 60 miles of private track,

63. but the bit we're interested in

64. is the main straight, which is a whopping five and a half miles long.

65. Although it is technically a flat and level road,

66. if you stand here, you can't actually see the other end,

67. and that's because it's following the curvature of the Earth.

68. But even when you've sorted the venue, you can't just jump in the car and go.

69. This is Germany. There are procedures to go through.

70. And I like procedures!

71. You have to insert a special key into a slot by the door.

72. And when you do, the diffuser flaps close,

73. the rear spoiler retracts,

74. and the whole car hunkers down to become as slippery as possible.

75. The telemetry box we're using to record the speed measures in kilometres an hour,

76. so the magic number we're looking for is 407.

77. Right, ladies and gentleman, here we go.

78. I'm approaching the banking at the top of the circuit.

79. I have to do this at 200 kilometres an hour,

80. that's about 120 around the banking,

81. look for my acceleration point,

82. then give it the beans down the straight.

83. 200 kilometres an hour, that's 120.

84. Let's get the car settled. Fourth gear, 5,000 revs.

85. I'm looking for the exit, where I bury it.

86. Here we go.

87. The climb from 200 to 300 kilometres an hour

88. was over in just 9.4 seconds.

89. The world, viewers, is a total blur.

90. I'm already going 330. It's going so quickly, I can't do the maths.

91. Getting up to around 350.

92. Captain Slow is doing 360 kilometres...

93. 370!

94. That's 230 mph.

95. I was now leaving F1 cars behind.

96. It's no wonder Michael Schumacher retired.

97. He's slower than me!

98. At these sort of speeds, this engine is sucking in

99. as much air in a minute as I breathe in four days.

100. Getting close to the maximum, which means the tyres

101. will only last for about 15 minutes.

102. But it's okay, because the fuel runs out in 12 minutes.

103. This is a road car, and I'm getting up to 404.

104. 405, come on!

105. Come on, give me one more!

106. 406! Come on, I need one more, one more!

107. I'm covering a football pitch every second.

108. I'm pretty confident that's as fast as I'm ever going to go in a car.

109. Incredible!

110. That is...

111. It's made my eyes water!

112. That was impressive.

113. I'm impressed, James.

114. Okay.

115. Thing is, though, you know when you take

116. a Ferrari or a Lamborghini or particularly a Koenigsegg to its top speed...

117. - No. - No, actually, you wouldn't.

118. But, anyway, when you do, they fizz and they buzz

119. and it feels like the body panels are peeling away,

120. 'cause you're right on the edge

121. of what's physically and technically possible.

122. Really? I didn't get any of that with this, to be honest.

123. The only thing I got was, at the end of the straight,

124. I had to touch the brake so you could see the spoiler come up, slow it down.

125. You got a sort of...

126. - And that's it? - Yeah, just...

127. So it's kind of safe and relaxing, even at 250 miles an hour?

128. Absolutely, yeah. It's totally undramatic, to be honest,

129. but I would give you a bit of a warning which is it's a bit disorientating,

130. doing that sort of speed, because after I come off the banking,

131. I was slowing down to stop.

132. You know how you get a bit impatient... "Oh, I'll just open the door."

133. Fortunately, I looked back at the speedo, and I was still doing 70.

134. Um, okay, so...

135. We've established that this is faster across Europe

136. - than your light aircraft. - Yep.

137. We've established that it really will do 250 miles an hour,

138. but we've never been able to find out how fast it will go around our track.

139. Now, the problem is, Bugatti are happy for us to have one here,

140. they're happy for you to go and do that.

141. But they won't lend The Stig one.

142. So really, this is an appeal. If you've got a Veyron...

143. and you'd like to lend it to us,

144. we are prepared to pay anything up to £30!

145. And now the news. We start off with the Porsche Cayenne, because they've revised it,

146. come up with a new one. It's got new prices, new bits and pieces, new engines,

147. but the most important thing, of course, about the Cayenne, is it's...

148. It's never been the best-looking car, has it?

149. - No. Not even slightly. No.

150. Well, we can only assume that this new one

151. still isn't exactly the best-looking car,

152. because here's the official photograph that Porsche sent for us to look at!

153. I can hear the discussion that the photographer had, actually, with the director.

154. He said, "Is the light good for you?" And he said, "No, there still is some!"

155. Yes, exactly!

156. Now, hey, you know that young Russian business kid

157. - who bought TVR a couple of years ago? - Yeah.

158. Yeah, we've got a picture of him here at a business meeting.

159. - Oh, yeah, there he is. There.

160. Didn't he close down a factory in Blackpool and make everyone redundant?

161. Exactly. It turns out that all the TVR owners

162. have decided that they're gonna throw a party

163. for the workers who've all been made redundant.

164. The party, dubbed Fundable, will include a buffet dinner...

165. "How much do I not want to go to that!"

166. Bar, disco and live band.

167. Wow! A TVR band, so they'll play, presumably

168. really loud, really fast and then burst into flames.

169. Fireworks.

170. Here's some news, you know the hot Renault Clio?

171. - It was a really fast one. - Yeah.

172. They've done a hotter one. It's called the R27.

173. It's got a lower, stiffer chassis. We have a photograph of it here, okay?

174. Now, these are the four Renault Formula One racing drivers for this year.

175. Now, this chap, okay, the new one,

176. he really likes this car. He's very excited by it.

177. He's very, very excited.

178. Whoa!

179. Whoa!

180. He's really pleased to see it, isn't he? Really pleased.

181. Oh, oh!

182. What I love as well, if you look around,

183. the other guys, who clearly spotted the problem,

184. well, you could hardly miss it, could you, are all very embarrassed. Don't look.

185. You see this...

186. Okay, I got this photograph from a French website.

187. The actual, official photograph that was sent to us by Renault...

188. Let me show it to you.

189. They've said, "Go and stand behind the car now! It's embarrassing."

190. But they're all racing drivers.

191. Couldn't they have lent him a crash helmet to hold in the appropriate way?

192. It was his crash helmet that caused the problem in the...

193. Whoa! Leave it!

194. first place.

195. Oh, now. News from the Director of Public Prosecutions,

196. who I discovered in the paper this week is called Ken something.

197. Not called Ken.

198. Ken is the name of a man you borrow a step ladder from.

199. - Yeah. - Not the Director of Public Prosecutions.

200. Ken has announced that there's a whole raft of new motoring offences

201. for which you can go to prison, okay.

202. One of them is retuning your radio.

203. - Don't be stupid. - Seriously.

204. But what if The Archers comes on?

205. I can't listen to an episode of The Archers in the car

206. without losing my temper and having a crash,

207. deliberately, to end it.

208. Ken has decided that we will have to tolerate these things,

209. 'cause you're not allowed to retune the radio.

210. You also not allowed to put lipstick on.

211. Again? Well...

212. Get this one, you're not allowed, now, to be an undertaker.

213. Why not? - Are you an undertaker?

214. You're an undertaker? You're going to prison.

215. Ken says... Ken says, if you undertake someone...

216. Oh, hang on!

217. Well, it is... I've always had a bit of a beef about this,

218. because I reckon if you go past someone on the inside, there's room to do that.

219. There was room for them to have got out of the way in the first place.

220. Yes.

221. So it's them! They're the ones who should be prosecuted.

222. They can't find prisons to put paedophiles in,

223. but they're going to be putting him in it for being an undertaker!

224. - It's ridiculous! - Actually, they can't find the paedophiles.

225. 'Cause 300 have gone missing.

226. I know where they are.

227. If you drive down the outside lane of a motorway now,

228. not retuning the radio, at 50 miles an hour, okay,

229. you are immune from prosecution, okay.

230. So it's the ideal place to go if you're being looked for by the law.

231. So, therefore, anyone doing 50

232. in the outside lane of a motorway, is a child molester.

233. - Oh! Wow, that's amazing!

234. You've used logic there! That's incredible.

235. Argue with that. Hey, now, can I just say, okay?

236. It's been a while since we sat here as a group, as you know.

237. So I thought it'd be a good idea just to canter through

238. a few of the good cars and bad cars we've driven while we've been off air.

239. And I have to say, good cars, for me, Lexus.

240. Particularly, actually, the GS, the one in the middle.

241. - I'm with you. - The Hybrid one, though.

242. No. No... This one, okay?

243. This looks like a normal car. Great thing is, okay, its batteries

244. will only take you less than a mile.

245. Which means, most of the time, you're on the V6, you know.

246. You're chewing fuel, you're warming the world up, everybody's happy, okay.

247. It's very quiet, very fast, very, very comfortable,

248. and of course, you can drive it to London, do U-turns on Piccadilly, all day long.

249. Ken Livingstone can't charge you a penny.

250. Brilliant car. A properly brilliant car, that.

251. I'm gonna put like a little 9-volt battery in a Hummer.

252. It's a Hybrid. - It's a Hybrid.

253. Um, I was... I was very impressed, if I may be,

254. - by the Suzuki Swift Sport. - Oh, yeah.

255. No, it's... This is the most underrated...

256. It's not going over well, mate! It's not going over well.

257. Wait! Before you all chime in, it's a small car,

258. but you know I'm not a big fan of the new Mini.

259. I'm just... It's too big and lumpen and all the rest of it.

260. That, I think, is the new Mini.

261. Mmm. - Try it, you'll be amazed. It's brilliant, that car.

262. That is an order from him. Actually, to be honest I quite like it as well.

263. I actually really did like the Volvo C30.

264. I know, don't think I've gone mad, but it's a good-looking car

265. and you can get it with that five-cylinder engine.

266. It's basically... Well, it's exactly the same one as in the Focus ST. The hot one.

267. Worst cars, no question for me.

268. One of the top five worst cars I've ever driven, Volkswagen Golf GT. There.

269. No, seriously, it's got a supercharged and a turbocharged engine,

270. which is as smooth as falling downstairs while wearing leg callipers.

271. Basically...

272. Honestly, just work harder and buy the Golf GTI.

273. - There's a Top Gear top tip. Good advice.

274. I was pretty disappointed. I hate to have to say this,

275. Bentley Arnage T, not the R, which is brilliant.

276. This is useful consumer advice for people in the North.

277. Well, actually,

278. it is. I'm sorry, it is.

279. Because the T has a bit more power and a bit more torque

280. and it's just enough to spoil it.

281. If you stick with the R, which is a beautiful car,

282. it costs £12,000 less, so you can buy a house.

283. For me, it was the Subaru Tribeca.

284. Which is... It's an MPV and technically it's not bad, but it's hideous.

285. And it's a family car, so my kids were too terrified to get in it.

286. Hated it. It's not... It's just... It is hideous.

287. Hey, now, Jaguar have made a concept car.

288. Not another one!

289. That's why they never make any money, isn't it?

290. Because they just keep making concept cars all the time,

291. instead of just making cars that you can buy.

292. Oh, I know. They haven't understood that if you sell a car, you get money.

293. Yeah.

294. Anyway, this one, okay? They say... Which we've got a picture of it here.

295. They say that is going to be the next S-type.

296. It'll look exactly the same as that.

297. Well, if that's true, that's fantastic news. It looks brilliant.

298. I know, it does. I went to see it in the flesh the other day.

299. And the designer was there and he said, "I assure you,

300. "the S-type will look exactly like that."

301. If that car comes out like that,

302. I will cut my left leg off, beat myself to death with it.

303. - Really? - Yeah.

304. Do it!

305. Make it, just make it!

306. Now, if you're looking to spend between £20,000 and 25,000

307. on a coupe,

308. your choice just became a lot more complicated.

309. So, to see if we could help you out,

310. the three of us have been to Scotland for a row.

311. These are the cars that have caused the problem.

312. There's the new Audi TT,

313. the new Alfa Romeo Brera

314. and the not-so-new, but still quite interesting, Mazda RX8.

315. So let's start with the Audi.

316. Now, I want to make it absolutely plain

317. that I did not like the old TT,

318. because all they did to make it

319. was put a Golf in a pretty frock.

320. And that's like putting a cow in a track suit.

321. Still not going to win any running races.

322. With this new one, though, they really have gone to town.

323. It's longer, wider and more aggressive than the old model.

324. And even though this is the baby of the range, it's more technical as well.

325. Take the body, for example.

326. From here back, it's steel, from here forwards, it's aluminium.

327. Now, that not only makes the car lighter

328. it's actually nine stone less than the old TT,

329. it also improves weight distribution.

330. Then there's the suspension.

331. The fluid in the shock absorbers has got iron filings in it.

332. Then, around the outside, there's a magnet,

333. turn the magnet on, the iron filings move about,

334. everything becomes firmer.

335. And how much do you not want to go on holiday

336. with the man who thought of that?

337. The upshot is

338. this is no longer a cow in a track suit.

339. It's a cow GTI in racing overalls.

340. The steering in the old car was numb.

341. In this, it feels connected.

342. The ride in the old car was as comfortable as falling down a flight of stairs.

343. In this, it's smooth when the iron filings are dormant,

344. and then, when you push the switch to turn the magnets on...

345. It becomes racing-car sharp.

346. This is not a car for taking your hair to the hairdressers any more.

347. This is a car for making your hair stand on end.

348. It's a proper sports car.

349. Rubbish.

350. What you want is one of these.

351. This is the new Alfa Romeo Brera.

352. It is a pretty car.

353. On the face of it, the Alfa is exactly like the TT.

354. They are both four-seat coupes,

355. they've both got four-cylinder engines,

356. they've both got six-speed gear boxes,

357. they both cost around £24,000,

358. and they will both also be available with 3.2 litre V6 engines

359. and four-wheel drive.

360. But actually this is not like a TT at all.

361. Now, we've said this time and again on Top Gear,

362. you cannot consider yourself a true petrol-head

363. until you've owned an Alfa Romeo.

364. They're not cars for posers. They're cars for connoisseurs.

365. Now, sometimes they will infuriate you.

366. Other times they're really gonna thrill and excite you.

367. But the point is, they are never, ever boring.

368. It was not designed like the Audi,

369. using just science and technology and iron filings.

370. It also has soul and passion. This car has a heart.

371. But you know what really swings it for me?

372. It's the interior.

373. Sitting in here feels like you're sitting in a Milanese espresso bar.

374. Sitting in the Audi feels like you're trapped in a Berlin post office.

375. Okay then, James, have you told the ladies and gentlemen

376. how fast the Brera goes from naught to 60?

377. No, I haven't, and I was rather hoping you wouldn't bring it up.

378. But never mind, ladies and gentleman. It does it in 8.1 seconds.

379. Which in 1976, would've been considered pretty brisk.

380. James, you could be out-dragged by a canal boat.

381. It's not a slow car. It's just not quite as quick as your car,

382. which is a car for people who use moisturising products.

383. James, I'm with you.

384. I prefer an Alfa to an Audi, but not that Alfa Romeo.

385. - That's too slow and that's an end of it.

386. It's not too slow. It's plenty fast enough.

387. James, our colleague has arrived.

388. Here he is, Lord Woolworths is here.

389. If it's power you want, then this is your answer.

390. The Wankel-engined Mazda RX8.

391. When it comes to speed,

392. it'll do naught to 60 in 6.4 seconds.

393. That's a bit faster than the Audi and a whole lot faster than the Alfa.

394. Top speed, nigh on 150.

395. Put it on a track, and you quickly realise what this car's all about.

396. About this engine,

397. it is different. It's a rotary, so you use it differently.

398. All the power is at the top end,

399. so you can thrash it mercilessly and it'll thank you for it.

400. There's something else, too.

401. The Alfa is, basically, just an alpha saloon underneath,

402. and the Audi is just a Golf in a fancy frock.

403. The RX8, however, is bespoke.

404. It was designed from the ground up,

405. to be a thrill-a-minute sports car.

406. This is the only one with rear-wheel drive.

407. It is a proper, blue-blooded, driver's car.

408. Listen to that, seven, eight, nine.

409. And yet despite all that, it has four doors.

410. You see, you got your big door at the front, usual sort of thing,

411. and then you got a little door for back seat passengers.

412. Look at that.

413. It's brilliant.

414. There are a few disadvantages, I admit.

415. You will struggle to get more than 23 mpg.

416. It uses quite a lot of oil.

417. And the depreciation is a bit steep.

418. But then an RX8 is £2,000 cheaper to buy than the others.

419. And 2,000 times better,

420. and I don't care what those other idiots say.

421. A tricky decision then.

422. Three similar cars, but three different opinions.

423. To see if we could find a winner,

424. the three of us needed to meet up.

425. So, this being Scotland, the home of golf,

426. we decided to break out the Pringle.

427. What will you be using here?

428. How the hell do I know? I have never, ever played golf.

429. And it's like that, isn't it?

430. I can't believe you... You seem to look like someone who'd done it...

431. You got dressed up in that outfit to do that!

432. To be honest, I could've carried it that far.

433. That doesn't look right.

434. How can it not look right?

435. Shut up. Watch and learn.

436. Whoa! It's gone in the sea.

437. It's gone in the sea. Yeah.

438. I tell you what, Richard, your Mazda would look good here.

439. Get off, it is not a golfist's car.

440. - It is, actually. - It actually is.

441. I'm fairly confident we won't see an Alfa Romeo in the car park.

442. - No, we won't. - But, I'm afraid I could see your car as well.

443. - A TT? - Yeah.

444. TT is a car for the kind of man who matches his belt

445. to the little tag on his trousers

446. - and is then proud and pleased with that. - Look at that.

447. - What do they do in golf... They do this, don't they? - He's doing it again.

448. It's like his pre-flight checks, or...

449. I'm going to kill him!

450. That's quite...

451. - That wasn't bad. - Well, it was.

452. I've just got a hole in 21!

453. We were extremely quick at getting to a new hole.

454. Whoa!

455. - Oh, no!

456. Oh! Well done!

457. But every time we got there...

458. Yes!

459. things slowed down again.

460. Are you using an S?

461. Partly because we were useless

462. and partly because we kept arguing about our cars.

463. That Mazda is chintzy. It's nearly as...

464. Chintzy! I'm sorry, I just... Both of your cars are pompous...

465. Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish! Rubbish, rubbish.

466. Okay, how long do you want me to keep saying rubbish?

467. This annoyed the proper men of Pringle who were queuing up behind us.

468. There's no ruched leather in the Audi...

469. Well, practically, it might as well be ruched.

470. There are people behind us.

471. I know there's people waiting. I am trying to get on with it. Yep, yep, yep. I know.

472. No.

473. After an hour, we reached the third hole and were still arguing.

474. You're completely wrong about the Mazda.

475. Technically, it may be good, it may be fantastic on the track.

476. But it's not what it's about on the road.

477. It's too jiggly, it's too harsh...

478. - Jiggly? - ... the interior is nasty.

479. Just because the Alfa is slightly slower, you think...

480. It's not slightly slower, James!

481. It's a little bit slower in the real world,

482. but in terms of being of the way it feels to drive it,

483. the balance, the feel of the steering,

484. the ride, the little niggles you get, it hasn't got...

485. - How far can I hit his head? - ... a ruddy gold putter up

486. its fundament like yours have.

487. That's just childish and doesn't solve the argument.

488. After this, we were asked to leave.

489. And all we had managed to agree on

490. is that the Alfa was the least golf-clubbish.

491. Thank you.

492. Obviously, we are going to pick that up later on,

493. but now it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

494. Our guest tonight is a global megastar.

495. Really, he's made his name playing the kind

496. of dithering Englishman we all know and love.

497. So I guess it's only a matter of time before he's asked to play the lead

498. in James May: The Movie.

499. Please welcome, to this poky motoring show, Hugh Grant!

500. - How are you, mate? Good to see you. - All right.

501. Have a seat. Have a seat.

502. And, um...

503. Great of you to come.

504. I've got to say,

505. this is a thrill for me.

506. It's a thrill for me.

507. No, it really is, because for the first time ever in a guest interview,

508. - we've got girls all around the front. - Oh, yes.

509. 'Cause normally at this point they're all outside talking to Hammond

510. but now he's out there all by himself.

511. So, let me start off with cars, if I may.

512. Big Hollywood star, obviously, so I presume you've got a Toyota Prius?

513. You would have thought, you would have thought, um, no.

514. I've... In my life, I've had two modes of car,

515. - um, little, tiny tossers' cars... - Mmm-hmm.

516. and great big... cars.

517. - Um... - And you're in which mode now?

518. Do you know, for the first time I am riding between the two.

519. The tossers' cars began with a Citroen Dyane,

520. and I don't think you can get much tossier than that.

521. The great thing about the Dyane is that you can crash it and nobody ever knew,

522. 'cause there were so many different angles on it, that it was sort of always...

523. Yes, yes. I know what you're saying.

524. Also you couldn't hurt anyone because it had the power of four harnessed children.

525. It was...

526. And then you got into the kind of,

527. - well, as you eloquently put it... cars. - Yeah.

528. Which started with?

529. Well, it started with an Aston Martin Vanquish, which is a beautiful car.

530. - You want to lick it or mate with it or something.

531. But I never really wanted to drive it very much, because

532. the gears, just occasionally, when you were feeling happy in your car,

533. would just seize up. The car would stop.

534. You couldn't even push it to the side of the road.

535. You were just there on the A316 with people

536. going past making... signs.

537. - But a lovely car. - Yeah, and then it was Bentley, wasn't it?

538. No, no... Yeah, I did have a... I had a footballer's car, a Bentley GT Continental.

539. Um... And... Very nice again, but I've got a bad back,

540. and for some reason, it manifests itself sometimes as back pain.

541. And sometimes as bollock pain.

542. With the, uh... With the GT Continental, I got terrible bollock pain.

543. Some car seats do it to me.

544. My brother's Golf GTI was the first one, hence the syndrome is now known as Golf-ball.

545. And, uh... I got it very badly

546. with the GT Continental so that had to go back after six months.

547. - Because of your testicles? - Yes. I didn't say that to the garage.

548. So, then... After the Bentley was...

549. Then I had a beautiful Porsche, which I actually phoned you about...

550. - No, actually your girlfriend phoned me up... - Yes.

551. - And said, "Listen, I have to get Hugh a car." - Yeah.

552. A Porsche, well, that's wrong for a kick-off

553. - but anyway, she was adamant it was going to be a Porsche. - Yeah.

554. And wanted to know whether it was going to be an automatic or manual gearbox.

555. - I said automatic. - You were absolutely right and of course I got the manual.

556. And it's so exhausting. All I want is a comfy environment...

557. - Yes. - ... and a nice armchair and for my balls not to hurt.

558. It's not asking much of a car.

559. And the Porsche also has the interesting thing. I think it's fine

560. if the steering wheel is on the left for the Germans,

561. but on the right for the Brits, something's wrong.

562. I think, the petrol tank's in the wrong place so you're facing forward, like this,

563. with your upper body, and your lower body is here,

564. so you are looking directly left, and I found that tricky.

565. That is tricky. I once had that in a Lancia Stratos,

566. but, annoyingly, in a Lancia Stratos, all of you face this way

567. while travelling... It's... It is really...

568. It really does make... The sensation of speed is tremendous,

569. but you hit things quite often.

570. Now, your driving. How's that? Do you have road rage?

571. Terrible road rage, yes, and er...

572. Well, yeah, it's road rage that then becomes terrible road meekness

573. in a flash, in an instant. There was this guy who

574. gave me the lightest of knocks. I mean, barely touched the car,

575. and I went into complete meltdown,

576. attacked him, and when he wouldn't get out of his car,

577. - I thought I'll attack the car!

578. I ripped the windscreen wipers right off his car, amazed at my own strength

579. and he said, "You've ripped the windscreen wipers off my car."

580. - And immediately I said, "I'm so sorry."

581. In fact, I tried to put them back on. I said, "I'll drive you to a garage."

582. If you are going to be angry, you know, follow it through.

583. I once told someone who had a dog in a hotel

584. next to where I was staying that kept barking at 5:00 a.m,

585. I got up and hadn't planned.

586. If you don't plan what you are going to say, it all goes wrong.

587. I got out and thought, "God, I don't know what I'm gonna say,"

588. so I went, "I've killed before!"

589. My wife was saying, "What have you killed before?" Anyway...

590. Can I just... We're the same age, give or take, I think...

591. - It's hard to believe to look at us, isn't it? - Frankly it is, yeah.

592. Are you starting to fall to pieces yet?

593. Yes, I am. Yes, I am, Jeremy, yes.

594. Uh... Worst bit for me is when you're...

595. You've shaved, you're rinsing your face like this and you look up into the mirror,

596. I've got a mirror to the side here.

597. - My eyes look up and my face is still pointing down.

598. - That's hell. - Also, didn't you have some trouble with your bottom?

599. That was a terrible moment, yeah.

600. That was a really... I... I...

601. Funny enough, it was for Golf-ball. It was.

602. I went to see a doctor in Harley Street

603. and I was suspicious of him to begin with, because he said,

604. "Very good. If you'd just like to slip all your clothes off,"

605. so I took them all off and then he interviewed me.

606. I sat...

607. I sat

608. naked as a baby in front of him like this

609. in a very expensive, big consultation room while he wrote down things

610. about me, kept looking at me and writing all things down.

611. And he said, "Right, we're going to do a quick prostate examination."

612. Bent me over, and I swear to God, stuck his head up my bottom.

613. Because when he said, "Does that hurt?" it was muffled.

614. - It was... "Does that hurt?"

615. And it was the worst pain I've ever had in my life.

616. Okay, listen, I really want to get on to your lap, obviously.

617. - Yeah. - How did it go there?

618. I thought quite badly.

619. Um... I like The Stig very much.

620. He was very kind to me, but it's not easy.

621. - It's not easy. - You didn't think so?

622. No, because it's counterintuitive.

623. You know, just when you are thinking, "Now I'm going to die, so I'll brake,"

624. he says "Flat down with the accelerator and the other way around."

625. And I know I'm going to be bad.

626. Who here would like to see Hugh's lap?

627. Yes! - Play the tape. Here we go.

628. This is you and there you go.

629. What a car.

630. - That's... Very unattractive helmet.

631. - No... Don't change gear, you...

632. Like he knows him. That cannot be my best.

633. That was grown up. - That was very good through there. Excellent.

634. - Oh, where are you going now, though?

635. Hammer head! Looking smooth.

636. I've never mastered the hammerhead. Is that a penalty?

637. No, that's good. Good line through there.

638. Oh, well, that was a piece of art!

639. Oh...

640. Soon, we're going to cut inside

641. and you won't be swearing. Is it going to be faster?

642. See, every time I came wobbling through a turn,

643. there was another ex-BBC cameraman right in my way.

644. Did exactly the wrong thing again.

645. Here we are. Last corner.

646. This is very poor. - That's good and wide.

647. Oh! Oh!

648. Right across the line!

649. - I... - I know it's not good.

650. - I feel I've let everyone down, including The Stig. - It's only yourself.

651. - So, where do you think you've come on the board? - I wish I knew.

652. Who would I really like... I wouldn't like to come lower than Michael Gambon.

653. - Michael Gambon. You beat him. - Yeah.

654. Oh! That's good. In that case, I'd quite like to beat Ewan McGregor.

655. - Well, you actually did it in one minute... - Yes.

656. - ... forty... - Yes.

657. - ... seven, point seven. - Yes!

658. - Oh, hello! - Congratulations!

659. You are, in fact, only 0.1 second behind the Well Spoken Man.

660. - Yes, yes. - Anyway, so there you are.

661. But Jamie Oliver was in the snow, so he moves up, is that right?

662. - No, it wasn't. It had melted. It had melted snow.

663. - He claims it was snow and we've punished him for that. - Yes.

664. So, now, I think you're better

665. and funnier and much better-looking with a smaller tongue!

666. - Ladies and gentlemen, Hugh Grant!

667. Right, now earlier, we were testing three

668. coupes to decide which one is best.

669. I really, really like this Alfa Romeo Brera.

670. Clarkson stupidly prefers this new Audi TT

671. and the damn fool Hammond seems to

672. think it should be this Mazda RX8.

673. And so far, we have established pretty much nothing,

674. but now, in the second part of the film, we are driving to Edinburgh and still arguing.

675. Can you set the SatNav in your car, okay?

676. Uh, no, I haven't got SatNav.

677. Can you do that, Richard?

678. I go by instinct in the end.

679. So, it's the driver's car or the navigator's car

680. or the air hostess', in the case of yours, Jeremy.

681. I think I've got a bit of dust on my

682. head lamp, so I'll just wash that off.

683. Yes, I've done that with my head lamp washers.

684. Have you done that, James?

685. Well, I did that earlier with a wet hanky and the end of my finger.

686. - Have either of you two got a DSG gearbox? No.

687. Have you got adjustable suspension, either of you?

688. - No. - No.

689. But then, I fired a torpedo straight into the side of HMS Clarkson.

690. Jeremy, can I just ask, how much of that stuff is standard?

691. Almost everything, really is an optional extra.

692. - How much does that lot cost? - The optional extras on this car

693. - add up to £6,000. - How much?

694. £6,000.

695. 6 grand?

696. It's actually 8 grand, but shh!

697. It was tit for tat all the way,

698. and nobody was going to give in.

699. The truth of the matter is this, the car you really want,

700. looks like the Alfa, drives like the Mazda, and is built like the Audi.

701. But since that doesn't exist, you've got to have the Audi,

702. 'cause it's the best all-rounder, the best compromise. And that...

703. That's an end of it.

704. It wasn't the end, though.

705. Because coupes are all about looks,

706. and to find out which of ours was the best-looking

707. we'd been told to go to the Scottish National Gallery of Modern Art in Edinburgh.

708. The challenge was simple.

709. If this prestigious gallery was to accept just one of our cars,

710. based on styling alone, which would it be?

711. A panel of experts had been assembled to make the choice.

712. And to help things along, we had each been given two minutes

713. to argue the artistic merits of our particular car.

714. But before that,

715. five minutes in the gallery bookshop to bone up on art a bit.

716. - Is there anything Japanese at all? - Scottish Arts.

717. Do you have a single volume on the artistic influence of Alfa Romeo coupes?

718. "Japanese culture, in general may be likened to an oyster,

719. "opening itself up to repeated onslaughts from the..."

720. Oyster.

721. Unfortunately, the crash course in the bookshop just confused us even more,

722. as the experts discovered, when James kicked things off.

723. Good afternoon, professors.

724. I would like to begin by asking the question, can a car be a piece of art?

725. I'd like to say immediately that I think "no".

726. That is not a piece of art, but can we find any art in that piece of design?

727. I'll put it down there.

728. Can I really argue that the Audi TT was a reaction

729. to the overcomplicated ceiling rose of Victorian houses?

730. For example, we can see, in the lights of the Alfa Romeo, I think, the influence

731. of the Scottish Colourists, namely Fergusson and Peploe.

732. You went to art school, you should be good at this.

733. - Did you go to art school? - No, I didn't.

734. Then you wouldn't know all you do at art school is drink and pursue women.

735. All art should be about two things: truth and beauty.

736. Now, it's true, because it's real, it's not actually a piece of art.

737. How can we shut this man up?

738. Do you know what? We've made amphibious cars,

739. we've made a convertible people carrier, I have raced you to Oslo.

740. This is the hardest thing I've ever faced.

741. He has given the impression that he has taken his brush or even his calligraphy pen.

742. The impression is given...

743. I think we have probably heard enough if that's all right with you. Thank you very much.

744. I did want to talk about the Renaissance and the meaning of truth.

745. - I would have thought... - We could leave that for another day.

746. These trousers are not Bauhaus.

747. Were we made to look a bit like a monkey?

748. Their brains are big.

749. Justify why you think your car should be in this gallery.

750. Um, one can see influences of the Bauhaus thinking

751. in so many of the things around us today.

752. Some of the design classics,

753. um, Mart Stam's Cantilever chair, and the Marcel Breuer Wassily Chair.

754. Why is he talking about chairs?

755. Look, it looks like it's going somewhere. It looks purposeful.

756. I mean, if you compare it, for example...

757. That's the inside of the Mazda. That's not Bauhaus.

758. That's my trousers!

759. Oh, look, I've found Jeremy's notes.

760. "Trousers, fat, Hitler, tiger, Mazda, Alfa, modernism, minimalism."

761. Minimalism, modernism, I think it created Cubism. I think it created Picasso...

762. - No, not that. - Cubism came about 10 or 15 years earlier, but go on.

763. I don't think... I think the Audi is Bauhaus, but

764. I think it's got a very contemporary veneer.

765. I mean, one shouldn't hang the whole argument on the Bauhaus, I don't think.

766. Das ist einfach nicht wahr, that you've just said of the Bauhaus. It's just not true.

767. What does it symbolise?

768. The Audi symbolises

769. freedom.

770. "Freedom," like that.

771. Huh... Warm in there, isn't it?

772. Gentlemen, God is the reason why you might look at this car,

773. the Mazda RX8, and see it as something a bit unusual.

774. The Mazda is a Japanese car.

775. In understanding a little bit about why this car is different

776. to our eyes, and you can see that expressed throughout Japanese

777. culture and painting if you were to take...

778. We're just gonna see you put your hands in your pocket

779. because you're obviously referring to notes.

780. I can do that. Um...

781. If you refer to Catching Catfish With A Gourd

782. from the 15th century, by Jujitsu...

783. One of the blokes in there is an expert on Japanese and Oriental art.

784. Can you just reiterate some of those points?

785. - Which points? - The ones that you just made.

786. - Did you feel a bit thick when they had finished with you? - Thick?

787. - How do you think he's gonna feel? - He'll probably punch one.

788. I have eaten brighter vegetables than he is.

789. - You put this car in a gallery. - Yeah.

790. What else are you going to have in the environment surrounding it?

791. Maybe to extend it... Maybe have some other Japanese stuff in there.

792. Do you have any examples that you think would be of value for the...

793. - Some Japanese paintings? - By anyone in particular?

794. That would be for perhaps, you know,

795. specialists to chose.

796. How did that go?

797. I think well. I think well.

798. Do you know you're bright red? - Yeah, I'm hot, very hot.

799. The boffins conferred and then called us all in to give their verdicts.

800. I think the Audi is sort of constrained. It is modest,

801. it is tidy, but it's not saying very much to me.

802. This lessness is less for me, not more.

803. Um, I'm most persuaded by the Alfa.

804. I agree entirely. Yes!

805. The Mazda... I can look at it from various angles,

806. it just doesn't seem to be as clear cut an expression

807. of what the modern automotive coupe

808. is and I think that's the Alfa.

809. In terms of the look, the style, everything it denotes,

810. we'd be happy to show that car in this gallery. The Alfa Romeo.

811. Well, it's all right, 'cause it'll just break down before it got here.

812. You would get oil all over your nice floor.

813. You can stop being petty and infantile.

814. These three men are experts in art and artistic expression.

815. It's only cause I said, "Freedom!" That's what was wrong.

816. As Richard said, they were wrong,

817. so now we're going to do a much more important test.

818. Which is the fastest round our track?

819. Obviously, to find that out, we have to hand them over to our team racing driver.

820. Some say that he once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner...

821. and that he is in no way implicated

822. in the cash for honours scandal.

823. All we know is he's called Lord Stig!

824. Well, that's wasted about an hour with wheel spin. Get off!

825. He's starting off in the best car,

826. the only proper sports car, of course, the Mazda.

827. Rear-wheel drive of course. This is familiar to him,

828. it feels like a sports car, because it was designed as a sports car.

829. "Lucy looked at him, at his strong, kind face,

830. "and the endearing look in his eyes.

831. "And she opened her heart to him."

832. No, it's his romantic fiction. He's into it now.

833. Look at that! You see, it's so controlled.

834. Is it moving? You can steer it with the rear end.

835. Rubbish, it's fast, mate. Don't ignore... Here we go. Hammer head.

836. - Look at that, it's like... That's miles off.

837. That is elegant and controlled. That really is.

838. He'll be enjoying that in there. That's familiar territory for him.

839. 40! It looks at home on a track, unlike the other two.

840. He had to lift off there. 45!

841. Oh! Look at that. Braking.

842. Last but one corner, and then the final corner. Under control.

843. Looking like a proper car... Cutesy style...

844. Oh, he's lost it.

845. What a spectacle!

846. Still there.

847. Good front end grip, good balance, excellent brakes.

848. Oh, oh! Did you see that dive?

849. It's like watching the actual studio go round.

850. That's balance and poise. It's boring!

851. I suppose you're gonna tell us it's the most practical car?

852. Actually it is, you see, because you can get two people in the front

853. two in the back and a set of golf bats in the boot.

854. Oh! Very useful. And he goes off...

855. We know it's no good for golf,

856. 'cause it's the least Pringley.

857. And now you're telling we can get golf rackets in the back.

858. It's not turned at all there! Understood? Look at that.

859. He's using all the track. He needs all the track!

860. Has it let...

861. Here we go, it will just crash now, no?

862. Beautiful. Here he goes, understeered.

863. No, he's got it in.

864. Here... Out of control.

865. Is that oil coming out of the bottom? Right, gentlemen,

866. behold the magnificent.

867. Oh, you're off to the hairdresser, sir?

868. Oh! We don't like any bread items.

869. I know you're thinking this is the old TT.

870. Don't muddle them up, that was for air hostesses, people who're orange,

871. this is the new... It's a completely different animal.

872. - This is only the front-wheel drive one, the baby one. Look at it!

873. Front-wheel drive. Unlike a sports car...

874. You just saw the back coming round there. A little bit of lift...

875. I saw the front nod.

876. Here we go. Just watch this.

877. - Look at this, compared to your one, James. It's worse.

878. That's so slow! It's not worse.

879. It is worse. Look, he's on the grass. He's almost on the grass.

880. Honestly, this is a completely different animal than the one we used to have.

881. - This is fast. Yes! No.

882. Only the two litre one, remember, just the baby. Miles out.

883. The V6 actually is nowhere near as good as this.

884. As we come up to the final corner.

885. It's going to understeer and crash. It's...

886. It's just airborne.

887. Right.

888. Ready?

889. Time for the Audi. 1:31.4. Check it out.

890. No, now I wouldn't be so confident, because, you see my car, I think,

891. on a race track, you will find that...

892. - Five seconds?

893. Listen, you can stop being quite so cocky about it, because

894. your Audi hasn't won anything yet.

895. It's not the best-looking. It's the most expensive.

896. - It's not the most practical. - Exactly.

897. And we are about to find out it isn't the fastest either when my Mazda beats it!

898. - Ha! Oh!

899. - Damn. - No, no, no. You've won, I've lost.

900. No, 'cause I'm gonna own up now.

901. Secretly, all along, I've preferred the Alfa.

902. - What? - No, seriously. If it were my money, that's what I'd buy.

903. - And I bet you any money, it's the same for you. - Yeah.

904. - Yes. I knew it! I knew it! - But...

905. I'm sorry. Before you get too cocky, I would not recommend one

906. to a friend. That's the thing. Well, you wouldn't.

907. They would spend the rest of their life in a cloud of steam at the side of the motorway.

908. So, I can't recommend one to a friend. Could you?

909. No, I couldn't recommend one, no.

910. - Come on. - Would you?

911. - No, all right. - There you are, you see. You wouldn't.

912. So, what we've managed to establish is, the best car here is the worst.

913. - We're good at this! - We are.

914. And that is the end of the show. Thank you very much for watching.

915. Next week, we've got a Top Gear special.

916. See you then. Good night.