Top Gear 9x1

1. Thank you, thank you.

2. Hello and welcome to what is, tonight, a Top Gear special.

3. It's special because it is just one big film.

4. Yep. And to make it, we had to go on holiday.

5. Well, you say it was a holiday,

6. but actually it was a fly-drive holiday,

7. so it wasn't a holiday at all.

8. Because of course you get to the car hire desk,

9. and there is the gaudiness man with the spiky hair.

10. And he types "War and Peace"

11. into his computer for 16 hours.

12. And then he doesn't know where England is.

13. And he steals your driving license.

14. And that he directs you to a car park where your car isn't.

15. So we were gonna try and see if we could make it any better.

16. Rather than suffer the misery of hiring a car,

17. maybe it made more sense to buy one.

18. We were each given a budget of $1,000.

19. Yeah, now here is the really clever bit.

20. At the end of our holiday, which is essentially

21. a road trip across four states,

22. we would see if,

23. instead of simply having to hand our hired car back,

24. we could sell our cars and get most of the $1,000 back.

25. It was brilliant.

26. Now, in the holiday we had stones thrown at us by rednecks.

27. We crashed into a river full of alligators.

28. We, what else happened?

29. Oh, we had to eat a squirrel.

30. Uh, anyway, the big challenge was,

31. could we buy a car for less than it costs to rent one for a fortnight?

32. Let's find out.

33. Miami, partly sunny, 34 degrees.

34. Yes, Miami, home to all the most successful drug dealers,

35. this year's Mr Big Mac,

36. and Silicon Valley,

37. all very glamorous. But our journey began here,

38. in the city's used car lots.

39. This is where we had a morning to find a set of wheels for less than $1,000.

40. I think I quite like to take this one for a test drive.

41. What's under the bonnet of that?

42. - It's a V6. - V6?

43. - Yes. - Got anything with a V8?

44. I wanted a muscle car.

45. So I went straight to a dealership that sells Corvettes.

46. Have you got the keys? Thank you.

47. - Oh!

48. - 400. - 400 horse power for a 5.7 litre V8?

49. - Ah!

50. Okay, how much is it?

51. $64,815.

52. So, 64...

53. 815.

54. - Thousand dollars? - Yeah.

55. What if I gave you $1,000 for it?

56. - 1,000? - Mmm.

57. Richard, it seems, was being similarly ambitious.

58. How much is this?

59. $89,900.

60. I need something a bit, a bit less than that.

61. - A little bit less than that? - Less than that.

62. So how much for a Cougar?

63. - Cougars are anywhere from 35 to 200,000. - Yeah.

64. Depending upon the condition and so on.

65. I need something that's a bit less than that.

66. - Bit less than that? - How much for a Challenger?

67. - Challenger start at 20,000, 19,900. - Less than that.

68. - Less than that? - Less than that.

69. See this here, look.

70. He's turning right on a red light.

71. That is America's only contribution to Western civilisation.

72. I was the only one using even a modicum of common sense.

73. Would you take $1,000 for this?

74. Okay, uh, that's gonna be a little bit difficult.

75. Soon, I took a leaf out of James's book.

76. Lowered my sights and quickly found

77. a tidy Camaro at a place called "Adolf's"

78. $2,900 this.

79. It's a big ask to get him down to 1000.

80. I might offer him a burger.

81. - Very popular with murderers, these cars. - Yeah.

82. Meanwhile, I found something we don't have in Britain.

83. A dealership specialising in ex-government cars.

84. This would have been the police car.

85. You can tell it by the colour, a hole for the aerial.

86. And it says "police interceptor" on it.

87. Now this one was probably, I don't know, maybe a spy?

88. 'Cause there is no badging on that.

89. That could have been a... man in black and that was a VAT man.

90. Basically, the important thing is,

91. they've all been properly maintained

92. and I'm told they're dirt cheap.

93. And indeed they were.

94. But even these were beyond my budget.

95. I don't have anything right now for $1,000.

96. Even sensible James was struggling.

97. I want a real Kojak, smoking.

98. - Ah, a real cool car, huh? - Yeah.

99. How about a '99 Honda Civic?

100. Meanwhile, back at Adolf's,

101. negotiations on the Camaro had broken down.

102. Uh, well, it's not going well, mate.

103. I thought that we'd get here and we'd find

104. all sort of fantastic old American 80s cars for $300.

105. I know, I did, I did.

106. I thought we would just be tripping over Oldsmobiles, Cutlasses and Firebirds.

107. Yeah.

108. So it's 'cause we are buying in that 90's period

109. when they were just making rubbish.

110. - And I'm looking at a Buick LeSabre. God, don't!

111. It was rubbish when it was new.

112. It was built by idiots. And it's rubbish now.

113. I've got... You know we've got one hour left.

114. have we?

115. And I've reached the bottom end of this town.

116. Yeah, I wouldn't have the Chinese food round here. Let's put it that way.

117. The fact was though, if we were gonna find cars for $1,000,

118. we'd have to go to an even lower bottom end of the town.

119. - How much murdering happens here? - A lot.

120. If you go one mile away here, you go to any street.

121. - I'll be murdered? - You'll get killed.

122. Yeah. Everybody here, they have guns.

123. Including me, wanna see it?

124. - He is not joking! - It's real, here.

125. 25.

126. Now you see. I wasn't ready for that.

127. Welcome to United State.

128. This is his other gun.

129. That's not a shotgun, Robert. That's a rifle.

130. Right, it's a rifle. The shotgun is somewhere else.

131. I don't know where is that one.

132. And you need this if you're gonna be a car salesman?

133. A guy right here, if you go two blocks down here.

134. He got shot five times.

135. - Why? By someone buying a car? - But he killed the guy.

136. - He killed... - He killed the guy, finally.

137. So why have you got telescopic sights on it?

138. Because if they go far away, you just shoot them.

139. You saw that movie with John Wayne?

140. A guy running all the way like 500 feet

141. and you shoot him right there.

142. Hammond!

143. Yes, Jeremy. How you doing?

144. Just been told by my new best friend,

145. Robert, the Persian.

146. If you go beyond 79 street,

147. you will definitely be murdered, shot.

148. Good-bye.

149. Hammond is wearing cowboy boots.

150. They're gonna shoot him, aren't they?

151. Is it south or north of 79 street, I can't go?

152. I decided the best plan was to stay on 79th Street itself.

153. And came across what must be the most optimistic dealer in town.

154. Ah, well, needs must.

155. The lesson we've learned already was that

156. it was easier to rent a car than buy one.

157. But, we weren't giving up.

158. Believe me, I'm desperate now. I'm desperate for wheels.

159. Distressed look on the roof, gunshot holes.

160. So car's got a history.

161. It's messed... Oh, no.

162. It's got tree growing out of it.

163. There's been an accident over there,

164. but the car's still running. And I was just wondering

165. if I could make her an offer for it.

166. We've been ambitious here I think.

167. This $1,000 is a low amount of money.

168. I therefore decided to go beyond the lower back end of town.

169. You guys got any ideas where I can find a car for a $1,000?

170. $1,000?

171. You've got some great teeth.

172. - Have you seen these teeth?

173. - You want it today? - It's gotta be today.

174. Okay. All right, let me get back to you.

175. - Go right here to the stop front. - Yeah.

176. Go to right, go over exactly two blocks...

177. - Over this way? - Yeah.

178. Amazingly, the tip paid off.

179. And I was the first to arrive at our pre-arranged meeting point.

180. The Miami Jai-Alai Stadium.

181. This is a Chevrolet Camaro, the RS model.

182. 5 litre V8 engine, 5 speed gear box, rear wheel drive.

183. A full-on American muscle car.

184. Only three previous murderers

185. and I only paid $800 for it.

186. I am... It's a brilliant, brilliant, brilliant find.

187. Then, Hammond turned up.

188. Oh, dear.

189. He's never been to America before

190. and now he's bought himself

191. what he thinks all Americans have.

192. That is bluff!

193. - What do you think? - I'm... well.

194. - It's a Dodge Ram! - It's terrible.

195. A dent?

196. I know, there are a few dents and a bit's missing.

197. But it's basic.

198. It's basic motoring in its very best.

199. You know how Mercedes goes?

200. - Yeah.

201. - It's not a Mercedes! It's not a Mercedes!

202. - How much? - $1,000.

203. - That shuts. A thousand? - Yes.

204. - 800. I'm already $200 ahead of you. - $800?

205. The RS model!

206. Was that the basic one?

207. Of course it wasn't the basic one. RS is rally sport.

208. I'd ask James on that one when he arrives.

209. But I'm not entirely sure it was.

210. It was the RS, the IROC-Z.

211. - The RS was the... yes.

212. I'll keep quiet about that.

213. But no. Every single thing on it works, nearly.

214. - Oh, it's a manual. - Yeah.

215. Five on the floor, rear wheel drive.

216. I've got a muscle car. How many horsepower?

217. - Two hundred and... - Oh, rubbish!

218. - 170. - 190.

219. How do they get such a small amount of horse power from a car?

220. The more pressing question though was where was James?

221. He would've walked into a dealership.

222. Hello! And they'd have shot him.

223. How can he take so long?

224. Because that's what he does.

225. - I mean, he'll be lost...

226. Good grief!

227. It's a train!

228. That's Titanic.

229. No, wait, I changed my mind. It's an aircraft carrier.

230. That's really big!

231. That, gentlemen, is how you do it.

232. That's a 1989 Cadillac Brougham Sedan.

233. - What do you think? Well, it's terrible!

234. It's like a long walk round it. It's a really long walk.

235. I like that though.

236. It doesn't just move up and down, look.

237. - It goes from side to side!

238. Have you seen the roads around here?

239. That is a perfect car for the environment.

240. $900.

241. And you can see why.

242. Oh, look, well, you don't do that, mate.

243. It's got newspaper in it!

244. You can date it. Find out when it was repaired.

245. It was a Wednesday.

246. What size engine has this thing got? 5 litre V8.

247. It's not fast, but it is fabulous!

248. You don't say it's not fast. Is it not, mate?

249. I took one look and thought, oh, it's like a Lotus Exige.

250. James then turned on our cars.

251. The wheels are odd.

252. No, I've got an alloy. That's my alloy.

253. Check out my alloy.

254. - This has just been made out of bits. - It hasn't!

255. Have you? Ah...

256. It smells of bodies.

257. - Ooh, it does smell a bit ripe! - Hold on. This...

258. No, that's the clothes of the last person they killed.

259. Oh, geez.

260. Oh, my!

261. Oh, God, no!

262. That's the last person the driver killed!

263. Don't look.

264. The poor man was trying to get out.

265. James and I have bought cars. Yes.

266. You've bought a pick-up truck.

267. Now the reason yours is in better condition is because it's just a pick-up truck.

268. It's lovely, I'm delighted with it.

269. I quite like the pick-up truck.

270. Oh, compared to the Camaro?

271. - It's the land of the pick-up truck.

272. What, you don't like the Camaro?

273. I don't. I'm sorry I don't.

274. Well, I do. I mean, one of those in good nick. Yes.

275. Yours is a dog.

276. It isn't! It is... Jeremy!

277. But every one of us has got something better

278. than you get from a rental desk in an airport.

279. Oh, yeah.

280. To find out how good our cars were,

281. we were told to head to a race track.

282. 90 miles north of Miami.

283. There we'll be given a series of challenges.

284. I'm in a murderer's muscle car heading through Miami.

285. Yes.

286. This is brilliant!

287. I love pick-up trucks!

288. It's a Cadillac!

289. I'm absolutely staggered!

290. I've even got a functioning radio.

291. Although there is only one station it'll pick up, which is gospel. Ready?

292. the people of the Holy Spirit,

293. - Jesus Christ is my Lord! - Yes!

294. Yes, I agree with you.

295. Temperatures are a big deal.

296. We're well into the 90s, even 100s.

297. The mono radio station, however, was the tip of an iceberg.

298. If I'm honest, there are one or two issues with my Camaro.

299. Uh, the rev counter, for example, broken.

300. Then there's an alarming knocking noise from the front suspension

301. when you go over a bump, or when you're on full lock.

302. The others, too, were finding problems.

303. Now we're alone you and I,

304. I've got to admit to one or two very small faults with my Cadillac.

305. First is that squeak, which is a loose belt or a bearing or something.

306. The other, it is fantastically slow this thing.

307. I'm doing 55 and I'm putting my foot down.

308. And I'm really struggling to get it up to 60.

309. If I'm honest,

310. it does pull a little bit to the right.

311. And if I brake, it pulls to the left really badly.

312. I'm right behind Richard Hammond's Dodge Ram,

313. and I've just noticed for the first time that the body doesn't line up...

314. - Hang on.

315. with the wheels quite right.

316. But the worst problem by a mile is the air-conditioning,

317. which, as you can probably see from the state of my shirt, is broken

318. 92% humidity and no air-con!

319. The only consolation I have is that Hammond's air conditioning

320. doesn't work either.

321. Apart from the air-conditioning not working,

322. it's pretty much perfect!

323. For the first time, I've got a radio on one of these trips!

324. But enough of the car's little foibles.

325. It was time to settle down and enjoy our journey across the Sunshine State.

326. God, Florida's awful!

327. Nasty insects, old people, fat people,

328. a lot of people who all offer you cheese.

329. "You want cheese with that? You want cheese with that?"

330. And they'll shoot you.

331. While Hammond roasted, James remained smug and cool.

332. It's getting a bit of parky actually.

333. I think I'll just turn the temperature up very slightly.

334. Look, I'm Burt Reynolds,

335. I'm the Bandit.

336. Eventually, we turned off the highway.

337. And arrived at the race track.

338. The Moroso Motorsports Park is unusual in America.

339. Because it has left-handed turns,

340. and some which go right as well.

341. Perhaps, that's why it was deserted,

342. too complicated for the colonials.

343. Or maybe everyone had been murdered.

344. Whatever. It was time for our first challenge.

345. It says here that each of our cars must complete one lap of the track.

346. The target is 1:10:00.

347. You get points for every second under that time

348. and you lose points for every second over it.

349. Yeah, but the thing is none of us has ever seen that track.

350. Yes, that's gonna be tricky.

351. - We're not driving. - Well, who is?

352. Some say that he's a CIA experiment that went wrong,

353. and that he only eats cheese.

354. All we know is, he's not the Stig.

355. But he is The Stig's American cousin!

356. Ooh!

357. Big Stig!

358. First, he squeezed himself into my Camaro.

359. One, two, three, go!

360. I was expecting

361. - It's 0-60 in 7.9 seconds. - Yeah, once!

362. - It can do 110 and he's doing that now! And no more.

363. It's limited. It's electronically limited.

364. No. It's just naturally limited to 110 'cause it's rubbish.

365. Lean that weight in there, Big Stig.

366. There he goes. 01:09:00 seconds on our Top Stopwatch.

367. - Is that good? - We don't know, do we?

368. What we did know was that the Pimpmobile was next.

369. - I'm gonna need a calendar for this. Not a stopwatch. - Yeah.

370. - You got a diary? - I might...

371. I'm gonna hold this stone and as it's eroded by the wind.

372. That'll give us an idea of how long he has been.

373. Air-con, max.

374. Oh, cock.

375. It's broken, isn't it, mate?

376. It's run out of electricity.

377. To raise the Titanic,

378. we borrowed a battery booster.

379. Is that for starting your watch while it stopped?

380. - Oh, it's begun!

381. One, two, three, go!

382. - It's moved off.

383. It's still moving off!

384. 24 days.

385. I'm getting older.

386. It looks fabulous! Come on, admit it.

387. Well, we've got plenty of time to admire it.

388. The Cadillac certainly seemed to suit

389. Big Stig's relaxed driving style.

390. - On the grass!

391. But would the match made in heaven be able to beat the Camaro's 1:09:00?

392. - Yay! - Go on?

393. 01:14:00.

394. So now it's all down to Hammond's hillbilly-mobile.

395. - Three, two, one, go! - Let her rip! Yeah!

396. Oh, nice.

397. - Is that a manual? - Sounds very... Yeah!

398. Stick shift, four on the floor with overdrive.

399. Actually, it all looked pretty promising.

400. This beats mine, I'm gonna have to kill you.

401. And I am in a Camaro, so don't think that won't happen.

402. Oh, it's a proud and noble thing!

403. You've seen Brokeback Mountain,

404. and thought, "I want a piece of that life."

405. Not that piece, I'll have the pick-up truck.

406. Although the truck had started well,

407. in the last few tight corners, it was rubbish.

408. Have you seen how my alloy glints in the sun?

409. - What were you, 1:14:00? - Yep.

410. - No, it can't! - 12, 13, 1:14!

411. - No! - Yes!

412. - How could that happen? - 01:16:09.

413. I think that's more to do with the Stig being too big to get...

414. He didn't make the turn!

415. Fat Stig's work was done.

416. And so it was time for the next challenge.

417. You must each accelerate your car to 50 miles an hour.

418. When you reach 50 miles an hour,

419. you must brake as hard as you can.

420. So this is a test of acceleration and braking all together?

421. Yes, you must brake before the end of the track.

422. At the end of the track, there is a river...

423. That's no big deal.

424. full of alligators.

425. And that wasn't a misprint.

426. I should explain. That is the track.

427. So if you look out there, okay? There it is.

428. Okay? And here, this is alligator infested.

429. There's another one.

430. We drew hotdogs and mine was the shortest.

431. I hope he doesn't die at the end.

432. It's saltwater crocodiles you need to worry about.

433. I think.

434. Oh, no, I hope he doesn't go in the river. That'd be awful.

435. - Here we go!

436. The hell with the clutch!

437. Spirited start.

438. Come on, 30! I don't want to be eaten by an alligator!

439. 35!

440. 40!

441. 45!

442. It's 50!

443. That's doubly disappointing.

444. - Number one, he's not dead. - Yep.

445. And number two, the fastest accelerating car here

446. only just stopped before the grass.

447. Surely though, the Huggy Bear-mobile would struggle

448. to do 0 to 50 to 0 in the distance.

449. Whoa-hoo!

450. - That is movement. - Come on, car!

451. Come on, come on, come on! I'm nearly there!

452. - Brake!

453. Strewth, that had me worried!

454. I should imagine he's clenched in there!

455. Eight tons of Caddy!

456. I was really nervous.

457. I'd just seen Big Stig try to stop my truck and fail completely.

458. We're away. That's 20.

459. Here he comes to a certain death!

460. 40.

461. 45. It takes ages.

462. - Oh, my God! Oh, God!

463. Oh!

464. That is quite funny.

465. Hammond?

466. - Are you alive? - Alligators, mate!

467. Yeah.

468. Can I suggest, we may have made them angry.

469. - I've just driven into their living room!

470. Such an insufferable oaf.

471. Oh, there is my pick-up, look!

472. The cars had survived their ordeal by track, just.

473. But the next morning, the real test began.

474. A sweltering 800-mile road trip to New Orleans.

475. Things started badly.

476. - Has it got petrol in it? - Yeah, look, it's full.

477. Well, yeah, but has it got petrol in it?

478. It could be broken.

479. When did you last put petrol in it?

480. Um...

481. Miami.

482. Now you come to mention it.

483. You stupid man!

484. It's a five litre V8! See you then.

485. Ahem. The car is fine. What's happened is...

486. Mine's run out of electricity again.

487. You're joking.

488. Can I borrow your van and your jump leads?

489. See how prepared we are on this show!

490. You had the, uh, leads in your car.

491. No, no, you had the leads.

492. I'm not a stupid man.

493. I've got a door panel, some bolts, and that's it.

494. What's the matter?

495. - He's lost the jump leads. - He's lost the jump leads.

496. - He's lost the jump leads. - He's has lost...

497. This isn't going well, is it?

498. If you're thinking of coming to America, this is what it's like.

499. You got your Comfort Inn, you got your Best Western,

500. you got your Red Lobster where you eat.

501. Everybody's very fat, everybody's very stupid and everybody's very rude.

502. It's not the holiday programme. It's the truth.

503. Eventually, the leads were found

504. and Hammond positioned himself for the jump start.

505. - No, it's not funny!

506. We're off!

507. I'm sweating already.

508. Yes, I'm not going be to for much longer.

509. It's not a sunny day, it's just a humid day this day.

510. Do you know what this is?

511. Tropical?

512. No, that's the approach of a cold front.

513. - That's tall cumulonimbus with a high...

514. It's bigger than you expect. You don't feel like...

515. I'd love to know what Hammond thinks he looks like.

516. Chewing gum, his aviators, his cowboy hat, his pick-up truck.

517. To help relive the tedium of the journey,

518. the production office had provided us with CB Radios

519. and for those, we needed appropriate call signs.

520. Brokeback, Brokeback, this is Murderer.

521. This is Brokeback to Murderer and the Captain.

522. I wonder why these CB Radios never caught on.

523. Breaker, breaker, one nine contact eye ball ten ten

524. till we do it again. Captain Slow.

525. He's there! He's there and I can't understand him!

526. This was hopeless. So we changed channels.

527. Hello, I'm on 22. Are you there?

528. Yo, big boy!

529. And finally made contact with a native.

530. That's him in that truck!

531. He's asking...

532. He's asking another lorry driver

533. where he might find a lady friend for the afternoon.

534. All they've got to talk about on that CB is the weather, and prostitutes.

535. Yeah, it raining, I'm going north, and I'm looking for a whore!

536. As we headed north-west,

537. the heat and humidity became unbearable.

538. You're sitting there in the winter,

539. you can't imagine what it's like to be

540. in an un-air-conditioned car in Florida now.

541. It's so hot!

542. Danger persists in the hot West.

543. Even though, almost a quarter of the fire is contained,

544. much of it is still burning out of control.

545. Only the insufferable May wasn't suffering.

546. Hey, chaps, it's May here.

547. Just to let you know that my air-conditioning is working very nicely.

548. It's 65 degrees Fahrenheit.

549. Yes, all right!

550. But then, the smile was wiped from his face, again.

551. Any charge left in it?

552. - I've brought you some presents. - ... coming in to it.

553. - I've got you a steak and cheese biscuit. - What?

554. And I've bought you a fan!

555. - Really? That's fantastic, mate! - Yeah. We've got fans.

556. - How do you feel now? - Yeah, air-con, there it is!

557. - See what I've got? - Ham and cheese.

558. Dundee Ham and Cheese, I'll read you the ingredients.

559. Blah, blah, blah!

560. And, imitation American cheese.

561. So, it's the only thing that hasn't actually got any cheese on it?

562. Yes!

563. After our imitation American lunch,

564. it was my turn to help the stricken Cadillac.

565. - Oh, yes!

566. Oh, I'm back in the sweat box.

567. Intensive heat warnings continuing.

568. Now, what that is doing is just turbo-charging warm air into my face.

569. That's got...

570. Nice one!

571. Jeremy, this is Brokeback.

572. Did you cut the wire?

573. The miles passed

574. with the Cadillac endlessly breaking down.

575. No!

576. - Have you got the leads? - No, you've got the leads!

577. Still, thanks to the automated windscreen washers at Florida service stations...

578. Oh, no!

579. Hammond and I could at least enjoy some refreshing showers,

580. while he got it going again.

581. Oh!

582. The Cadillac, however, was not the only trouble maker.

583. After just 200 miles, my Camaro was hardly tiptop either.

584. Right, sit-rep on the Camaro,

585. some of the headlights are working,

586. the dashboard's come off,

587. all the dials are broken,

588. one radio speaker remains, however, and it's good!

589. Eventually, our Top Gear fly-drive holiday convoy reached the 300-mile mark.

590. And as a reward, the production office gave each of us $100

591. to buy an accessory that might in some way make our journey less arduous.

592. Hoping and praying that James had bought a new battery for his stupid Cadillac,

593. we all met up to show off our new toys.

594. - A trailer? - No, a Freedom Grill 500.

595. - A grilling system? - It's a grilling system.

596. What is it?

597. - I have been... - No!

598. No way!

599. Look at that!

600. Drop tail gate, cooking platform, what do you think?

601. Gordon Ramsay hasn't got anything like that in his kitchen.

602. Have you got anything that good, James?

603. - No. - Right.

604. - I got a clothes rack. - What?

605. Look at my perfectly pressed linen jacket.

606. - He has a linen jacket on a clothes hanger. - Don't wobble it.

607. Okay, you step into your car. And here if you look,

608. is a shower.

609. In your car? - Yup.

610. Where will you get the water from, then?

611. It comes from the cool box in the back, this tube.

612. Then you just plug this into the cigarette lighter, hit that button,

613. refreshing shower.

614. I bet you're jealous.

615. Sadly, though, our dreams of luxury living

616. were shattered when we received the next challenge.

617. Tonight, you will be camping.

618. - What? - I know.

619. And you are only allowed to eat

620. what you find dead at the side of the road.

621. What? You mean road kill?

622. Yeah, you're only allowed... It's on the... yeah.

623. It says animals that we find by the side of the road, dead.

624. Yeah, that's our supper.

625. Hey, just think about it.

626. You can prepare the food, like for cooking wash it. I can then cook it.

627. - James can dress for dinner.

628. Okay, sit-rep.

629. The power steering pump really is on its last legs,

630. I've got a terrible wheel wobble.

631. Uh... but I'm cool for the first time since I set off.

632. I am cool now!

633. To increase our chances of finding some road-kill,

634. we swap the inter-state for smaller roads.

635. And very quickly, we got lucky.

636. On the right, what's that?

637. Do you know what? I don't fancy it.

638. No matter though, because further down the road

639. I came across a fresh and tasty possum.

640. But then...

641. James, don't run over it, you...

642. You blithering idiot, you just ran over it.

643. That's not edible now, is it?

644. For flattening our supper, James was punished.

645. Eventually, we did find fresh meat.

646. But it was a bit too fresh.

647. I thought you were gonna run it over!

648. No, even I wouldn't do that.

649. - What do you...

650. Don't do that, tortoise!

651. How can you have... There is no wild tortoises.

652. Well, they're gonna be somewhere.

653. He's escaped from some eight-year-old girl and...

654. How does a tortoise escape?

655. Come back! Come back!

656. Finally though, 10 miles down the road.

657. We've got dinner!

658. Squirrel. Check that out!

659. I think that with a bit of cheese will be delicious.

660. Right.

661. Look at May's face!

662. I never told you about my vegetarianism, did I?

663. Soon, we were near the field

664. where we would be camping for the night.

665. Right now, the sun's going down,

666. I'm with my mates,

667. it's down below 90 degrees,

668. we're in the deep south,

669. it's a pleasant evening.

670. This is nice.

671. But, we still only had a squirrel for dinner,

672. so I peeled off for one last forage,

673. while the others went ahead to set up camp.

674. Sorry!

675. Right, we've got work to do.

676. I'm thinking squirrel on the rack,

677. and then maybe, here's my plan,

678. with a few herbs, garnished, something like that.

679. Um, I'm thinking if I cook it once,

680. and then maybe cook it again,

681. so it'll go like crispy duck,

682. only it's a squirrel.

683. Is he ever coming back?

684. We can't just lob it on, can we?

685. Okay with the rabbit, you take the head off and you go down the middle...

686. But all we've got to do it with is a tent pick.

687. - Didn't you bring a penknife? - No.

688. Time passed, and still no sign of Jeremy.

689. I'm not peeling it, mate.

690. I don't see why I should do it.

691. - Come on. - I don't want to peel a squirrel.

692. I'm gonna bring the squirrel over to you.

693. - Is that a car?

694. Is it Jezza?

695. James?

696. - What's he got? - In all seriousness, that's...

697. What?

698. You have got to be...

699. It's a flaming cow, mate!

700. - Main course. - Yeah.

701. I'm thinking how long have I've been in the sun putting the tent up.

702. - Why? - Because what I'm seeing... You'll love this.

703. Is a cow on the roof of your Camaro.

704. It is, isn't it? That is a cow on there.

705. I don't want to be pedantic, but is it road kill?

706. What, are you suggesting I ran it down?

707. - Well... - Check out the front of my car.

708. I had to find someone to help me get it on there, but I didn't run it down.

709. It was at the side of the road and now it's on the roof and now it's our supper!

710. Do you know what to do with it?

711. - Well, you've got to... - Peel it.

712. - I'm not peeling that!

713. First though, we had to get it off the roof.

714. What if I go round a corner quite quickly, backwards?

715. - If I reverse. - Left hand down, yeah.

716. Left hand down, it'll roll over that way, do we think?

717. I reckon she's good to go.

718. Yes, there you go!

719. - Hey, Jeremy? - What?

720. I'm better, I can't see a cow on the roof of your Camaro any more.

721. - I'm not hungry. - What?

722. I'm not hungry.

723. You son...

724. It stinks, Jeremy.

725. That night, Brokeback and I feasted on beef and squirrel,

726. and then, with May in bed,

727. we decided it would be better for all of us

728. if the air-conditioning in his car were to break.

729. Shh! Okay.

730. Sorry!

731. Why don't we just hit it with a hammer?

732. Hold on.

733. Oh, hang on, hang on!

734. They really built these on buses. It's ridiculous!

735. I'm just hitting it with a spatula.

736. Another mosquito just bit my face.

737. It's not working.

738. He's gonna notice, isn't he?

739. Another humid day dawned,

740. and now May knew what it felt like.

741. Those pathetic,

742. lager-swilling, barbecuing, redneck thugs

743. that I call my co-presenters have vandalised my car.

744. I have had to make a few modifications to the car this morning

745. because of the cow incident, I lost the aerial.

746. So now I've got an I-Station instead.

747. And that, teamed with the fan means

748. I really can't see where I'm going.

749. Also, because some cow did get into the car,

750. I'm using air fresheners here to cover up the smell.

751. So I can't really see where I've been.

752. Oh, and the passenger seat,

753. that got a lot of cow juice on it,

754. so it's now in the back of Hammond's truck.

755. By this afternoon,

756. skies will be considerably cloudy

757. with showers and thunder storms likely.

758. North east winds, five to 10 miles per hour.

759. Come on!

760. Alabama's only 40 miles now!

761. Our scrap yard cars have covered 650 miles and inevitably

762. they were becoming more than just metal.

763. This whole thing now really sums up why I love cars.

764. Now you take this Camaro,

765. the dash is more plastic than an American newsreader,

766. the engine's got less power than Belgium,

767. the suspension is softer than the journalism in an in-flight magazine,

768. and of course, it reeks of cow.

769. But, I adore it,

770. because you can just sense it wants to keep going.

771. And I bet James is exactly the same there in the Cadillac.

772. I bet he's having exactly the same emotions.

773. I'd rather be in this now than an Enzo, and I'm not joking.

774. But before we entered Alabama,

775. we had to go to Bagdad for our next challenge.

776. This is it!

777. We are in Bagdad.

778. Not a place I was expecting to visit on this trip.

779. Challenge time.

780. Lose five pounds in one hour.

781. Yep, sweat it away! Come on then.

782. No.

783. Okay. It says here, we must not be shot or arrested

784. as we drive across the proud state of Alabama.

785. But we will get bonus points if we can get one of the others shot or arrested.

786. I don't understand. How do we do that?

787. You will therefore decorate one another's cars

788. in such a way to draw maximum attention to yourself

789. in this Bible-bashing, redneck,

790. deeply Christian part of the Union.

791. Decorate?

792. I think what it means is we each have to write slogans

793. on the other one's cars, so you...

794. To get them killed? - Yeah.

795. All right.

796. You do Hammond's. Take it away into the bushes.

797. - You do... - I'm doing yours.

798. I'm getting you killed. Well, come on!

799. The south, the south. It is Christian, short hair,

800. they don't like Communists.

801. What is closest to their heart?

802. I've gotta get him killed. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

803. I'd be letting you down, me down, everybody down.

804. Revenge for all those height gags.

805. Every time he's called me Hamster.

806. This is for every time you've been late and lost.

807. Can you tell what it says yet?

808. James, I hate you for that. I really hate you for that.

809. - All the time you drove into the back of my Cadillac. - Yeah.

810. Do you know, actually, I think, honestly, we've all done a good job here.

811. But I do believe that the person most likely to be shot

812. is indeed Hammond.

813. - The simple... - I think what you've done there James,

814. - is killed your friend. - Yeah.

815. Gingerly, we rejoined the open road.

816. Three religions down here,

817. George Bush, God, Country and Western.

818. In that order, ascending order.

819. I'll be honest. I have felt less conspicuous than this.

820. Here we are. Sweet home Alabama.

821. They've shot their own sign!

822. What are they gonna do to us?

823. To understand what Jeremy has actually done to my car,

824. you have to remember that this is deep Republican territory.

825. That woman is the arch Democrat. She is the anti-Christ.

826. It's not just the slogan.

827. It's the fact that it's painted on a pick-up, symbol of the South,

828. - I mean...

829. Ooh!

830. And then, Jeremy has written on the boot, "NASCAR sucks."

831. That's a type of saloon car racing

832. that is very, very big in this part of the world.

833. This is where all the drivers come from,

834. all the building of the cars is done,

835. all the supporters come from down here,

836. and to say it sucks,

837. is a bit like going up and punching somebody's sainted mother.

838. No! No!

839. - Whoa!

840. We've survived the highway,

841. but then we had to pull into a town for fuel.

842. Oh, this is really terrifying.

843. Okay!

844. Just, um... That's diesel.

845. That's... I've gone...

846. "Hillary for President" that's not going down well.

847. This lady was cross. But not as cross as the garage's owner.

848. I'll ask you!

849. Now are you all gay,

850. hooking to see how long it takes to get beat up in a hick town?

851. I'm not gay. I'm married.

852. I've got three children.

853. No, we are not. No.

854. We've just sort of decorated our cars in a distinctive manner.

855. "NASCAR sucks", "Country and Western is rubbish?"

856. Guess what? You're on a hick town, man.

857. We're gonna die now. That's it.

858. Don't you dare!

859. She said she was gonna get the boys.

860. I'm gone!

861. So we decided to scarper.

862. I've just remembered. I've actually got loads of petrol.

863. And then, of all the moments.

864. - Oye, jump leads! - You're joking?

865. Jump leads.

866. Not now!

867. This is gonna be the quickest jump in history.

868. You get the leads. I'll start it.

869. Tell your friend if he tagged up my parking lot...

870. The rednecks arrived.

871. We've just got a slight problem here.

872. This is bad!

873. Then they turned on the film crews!

874. Quick!

875. Rocks started pelting our vans.

876. Go! Get out of here!

877. What's happening?

878. For the next few moments,

879. our TV programme became a radio show.

880. Oh, there are the pick-up trucks.

881. Get your foot down. I think we've got a load of them on our tail.

882. Something's going on here, I'm telling you.

883. Because these three trucks, that were in the petrol station

884. have now just torn past us.

885. We need to get these slogans off, lads.

886. Pull over, pull over.

887. Get the other side.

888. Nothing to wipe it off with now.

889. Go.

890. With the artwork gone, we hit the road, hard.

891. I'm doing something I never thought I'd do.

892. I am running for the border.

893. God in heaven, that was actually frightening.

894. They could have killed us!

895. They really do have an irony deficiency.

896. I honestly believe that in certain parts of America now,

897. people have started to mate with vegetables.

898. And then with one problem behind us, we ran straight into another.

899. God, lightning!

900. You think this is God punishing us?

901. - I'm just...

902. Did you hear that?

903. It was a great time to discover

904. that the wipers in my car were worse than useless.

905. This is like something out of a horror film now.

906. I'm in serious trouble. I cannot see a damn thing.

907. There were no exits and stopping on the hard shoulder

908. in rain like this would've been suicidal.

909. So there was only one choice.

910. You're on the lane. Go right, Jeremy.

911. Yeah, now, this is very bad!

912. Left a bit.

913. Please stop raining, please stop raining, please stop raining.

914. You're on the lane. Go right.

915. I think I am just gonna get out and kill myself,

916. put myself out of misery.

917. Oh, hell.

918. What with the storm and the rock-throwing rednecks,

919. our fly-drive holiday wasn't going that well.

920. I just wanted to get on the big British jet and go home.

921. I want to be met by a homosexual in grey flannel trousers saying,

922. "Welcome on board, Mr. Clarkson. Can I get you a scone?"

923. 111 miles to New Orleans.

924. Come on, Camaro!

925. Yes, that's it!

926. We're in Louisiana.

927. All we had to do was get there and sell our cars.

928. And that, actually, would be quite a sad moment.

929. I love my Cadillac.

930. I mean, we've known each other, what, a few days

931. we had this fantastic adventure together

932. all across America.

933. And it's my car now, and there are always foibles.

934. It's not the biggest truck,

935. it's not the fastest, it's not the best looking,

936. but it just keeps going.

937. It's like a little Welsh pony.

938. I respect that.

939. This car really is like living in an old house.

940. You know to kick the back door in a certain way to make it open.

941. It's the same with this. I know how to keep the power steering going.

942. I know how to get the best out of what's left of the clutch.

943. I liked it as a kind of joke when we started

944. but now, we're like that.

945. Of course, there were certain other problems with selling our cars.

946. This very, very bad Cadillac weave going along this straight stretch here,

947. so I'll keep my worry beads to hand.

948. Whoa! Relax.

949. We're in New Orleans and something has come off the Camaro.

950. The temperature gauge is off the scale.

951. Come on!

952. Finally though, we made it.

953. And my word, were we in for a shock.

954. We had seen on the news what Hurricane Katrina had done,

955. but seeing the devastation for real was truly astonishing.

956. Oh, my God!

957. Oh, look at that!

958. Well, now, this is extraordinary.

959. Every house, I've been driving now, what, 15 miles,

960. there isn't a pavement, there isn't a building,

961. there isn't anything that isn't smashed.

962. It's such a vast scale of destruction.

963. A year had passed since Katrina had blown through and...

964. we sort of assumed that after 12 months

965. the wealthiest nation on earth would have fixed it.

966. But we were wrong.

967. How can the rest of America sleep at night knowing that this is here?

968. It certainly gave us a problem.

969. The original plan had been for us to sell our cars here

970. and see who could get the most money.

971. But in the midst of all this, that just seemed... wrong.

972. We therefore had a con-flat and decided that we should give our cars away.

973. So we called the local mission

974. who put us in touch with some families

975. who lost theirs in Katrina.

976. It's got an alloy.

977. It's all standard. It's not been messed with anyway.

978. I met the guy who had it before.

979. It's 150,000 miles and look,

980. it's like new under there.

981. - I like it. - Done, it's yours.

982. Take the truck, it's yours.

983. Look after it. It's been a good friend to me.

984. All right, we appreciate it.

985. Jeremy did his usual trick of telling it like it is.

986. Rev counter-not good,

987. Speedo, not good. Fuel gauge, not good.

988. Dent on the roof, that was caused by a cow.

989. As far as driving it is concerned,

990. the engine is brilliant.

991. Gear box, tiptop.

992. It's a good car, it's all yours.

993. So, although it hadn't been the most relaxing holiday,

994. it had been a proper boys own adventure.

995. And what's more, we could go home

996. knowing that we'd done a little bit

997. to help those less fortunate than ourselves.

998. Well, Richard and I could but James sadly couldn't even give his car away.

999. - It's still here! - A family came round this corner

1000. not 10 minutes ago,

1001. "Oh, thank you. We lost everything in Hurricane Katrina."

1002. And they rejected it.

1003. Do you want a lift to the airport in my car?

1004. - No. - Me neither.

1005. - I don't. - Thank you.

1006. - Hammond, can I borrow the jump leads? - No.

1007. Loser, loser!

1008. Hey, I reckon if you look on Google Earth,

1009. you'll be able to see his car 'cause it'll still be there!

1010. It's not as though you won't be able to see it either,

1011. it's big enough.

1012. Okay, so there's no doubt that James lost that challenge.

1013. And equally no doubt that I won.

1014. Hang on. How did you arrive at that?

1015. Well, my Camaro was the fastest, it had the best brakes,

1016. it didn't break down, apart from the wipers... Much.

1017. So it was the best!

1018. It wasn't actually quite as easy to give away

1019. as you made out in that film.

1020. - Was it? - Well, there's sort of...

1021. Why don't you tell the ladies and gentlemen

1022. - what happened after the cameras had been turned off. - Yeah.

1023. Well, a lady came and she said she was

1024. a lawyer represented a Christian mission that we had gone to

1025. and she said, she'd been promised

1026. by one of our researchers a 1991 Camaro and it was an '89.

1027. And she said that was misrepresentation

1028. and she was going to sue me.

1029. It really did happen. It really did happen.

1030. Then she said that if I gave her $20,000 in cash,

1031. she might be able to make the case go away.

1032. And you won't believe what happened to us next.

1033. No, which was that, a very large pick-up turned up

1034. - full of heavily armed and very burly men... - Mmm-hmm.

1035. - Told us to get off their street. - Yes.

1036. So really, we do have two Top Gear top tips for you tonight.

1037. One, yes, you can buy rather than rent,

1038. and two, don't go to America!

1039. Top Gear is back to its normal self next week.

1040. So we'll see you then. Thanks for watching. Good night!