Top Gear 8x8

1. Tonight, Noble's difficult third album comes to our track.

2. The art of being a white van man.

3. And the Suzuki Liana is back

4. with some bloke called Jenson Button.

5. Hello, and welcome. And we start tonight with a question.

6. How many vans do you suppose were sold in Britain last year?

7. 322,000. I'm sorry.

8. - You really are an irritating little man.

9. - Yes. - But it's what you were going to say.

10. It's... You're right. It was 322,000.

11. And that's twice as many as the best-selling car,

12. which means there are an awful lot of van drivers out there.

13. And the thing is, we never cover

14. the subject, ever, on the show.

15. So, the producers said that we had to do a van test.

16. They arranged for us to be roadies for one of the bands

17. at this summer's music festival in Hyde Park.

18. Yeah. Now, obviously, before we could do this,

19. we each had to choose a van.

20. To be honest, I know nothing about vans, so I chose this.

21. It's a Renault Master and two things struck me about it.

22. The first is that it's very large, obviously.

23. And the other is that I sort of like the styling.

24. I think it's quite chic.

25. How can it be chic? It's a van!

26. Yeah, but it is a very good-looking van.

27. It's as good-looking as a plumber's bum crack, James.

28. - No... - Whatever, whatever.

29. I know nothing about vans either, so I chose a Ford Transit.

30. For 41 years, it's been the king of vans,

31. and now there's this new one, which is better,

32. in lots of important and, I'm sure, very interesting ways.

33. Now, I have to be honest, I know even less about vans

34. than these two put together. So I chose this.

35. It's a Volkswagen, er...

36. - Volkswagen...

37. T30 174 TDI Sportline. It's not the biggest van in the world,

38. and it is quite expensive. But it does 120 miles an hour.

39. So basically, you just went for the fastest.

40. This is the fastest van in Britain, this is, and

41. I thought that might be important in some way.

42. Anyway, the three of us ended up with our vans,

43. and then we were ready to go off and be roadies with them.

44. Richard and I made it on time to Hyde Park,

45. and quickly discovered

46. the enormity of the task ahead.

47. We were going to be roadies

48. for one of the biggest bands in the world.

49. The Who.

50. Well, when I say we, it's Richard and me,

51. because James has found something better to do

52. than hang around backstage

53. with the greatest rock 'n' roll band in the world.

54. Yep, he actually phoned in to say he was unwell.

55. But, if you look closely at this poster,

56. the date there, you'll see that what he's actually doing is, he's in Reigate

57. hosting the Surrey Motor Show.

58. Still, he'll doubtless turn up later on after all the hard work is done.

59. Yeah.

60. First, we found out what we'd be taking to the next gig,

61. 90 miles away on the south coast.

62. Me? I'd be in charge of something worryingly precious,

63. Pete Townshend's guitars.

64. - Each guitar is 3,000 quid? - Oh, yeah.

65. And there were 70 of them.

66. Hammond, on the other hand,

67. had only one instrument to worry about.

68. But it was a biggie.

69. Yeah! Hello, Hyde Park!

70. - Do I do anything clever? Or just carry stuff? - Not at all.

71. The £12,000-kit belonged to Zak Starkey,

72. who, unlike his father,

73. is a drummer.

74. What if I break something? Like a drum skin or a...

75. - Don't do it? No. - No.

76. Meanwhile, back at the front of the stage, I'd discovered

77. I'd have to transport Pete's amps as well.

78. These are all... Is this why he's a bit mutton?

79. Er... No, no, no. Yes.

80. Are they very heavy? Can I lift it up?

81. - Talk among yourselves.

82. It turned out that The Who travels

83. with 1,000 flight cases full of equipment,

84. and that our vans all together

85. could handle the weight and bulk of

86. nine.

87. I, therefore, went to see Pete Townshend,

88. who was in his motor home, overseeing something called In the Attic,

89. his new live webcast music show.

90. Um, we have a problem.

91. Now you've got apparently 1,000 packing cases,

92. but we can only take nine.

93. - Right. - So you're gonna have to slim

94. - down the number of guitars you need. - Right.

95. - I could get you a really good job with the Arctic Monkeys.

96. - And they're only 12 and a half. - Three...

97. So they won't smack you in the face with a microphone stand like I'm about to do.

98. I need all my gear at that gig. I need it all.

99. Roger Daltrey had no interest in the smallness of my van.

100. He just wanted to explain the best way

101. of throwing a television into a swimming pool.

102. - Has to be plugged in and working. With a long lead. - When it goes in?

103. The challenge was to keep it working till it hit the water.

104. - Ah, right. - It's much more technical than they realise.

105. - I thought it was just get a television... - A lot of thought goes in it.

106. Roger kindly lent me one of his tellies.

107. And Pete kindly organised some enormous trucks

108. to carry the stuff we'd have to leave behind.

109. Then, just before the kick-off,

110. the headline act from the Surrey Motor Show turned up.

111. How was it, James?

112. I'm guessing now that he probably left

113. behind a smaller crowd than this.

114. So, James, you know what happens.

115. In about two hours, all of that lot, off here,

116. into our vans and we're gonna drive 90 miles.

117. - Yeah. And you cannot get lost. - No.

118. As the show neared its conclusion,

119. I fervently hoped that The Who

120. would smash up all their equipment

121. like they used to.

122. But they didn't.

123. Plainly, Mr Daltrey really wanted

124. to see the three of us suffer.

125. Don't take any pity on them, guys. Roadies!

126. Don't take any pity on them whatsoever.

127. And so, as the crowd went home, we put the Top Gear pianist

128. in charge of keyboards, and got to work.

129. Three, two, one.

130. Watch me get in everybody's way!

131. - Do you know where this is going? - That's going to go down...

132. Thanks. You take that.

133. I put one in there already.

134. After an hour, it was time to pack the vans.

135. But that was a bit of a problem for Jeremy.

136. - That's a real clamp. - And it's really on.

137. Well, that's not rock 'n' roll, is it?

138. - Ken Livingstone. - It probably is Ken Livingstone.

139. Happily, because our vans were so small,

140. loading them up didn't take long.

141. Got a dicky back.

142. We'll get the beers in and I'll warm up the groupies.

143. 9:00 in the morning, don't be late,

144. and don't get clamped again.

145. Goodbye, London!

146. Oh, bloody Nora. I've gone the wrong way already.

147. When I get down to the hotel tonight, I'm gonna make Keith Moon

148. look like Keith Chegwin.

149. I'm gonna start by fire-axing my way through the wall

150. into James' bedroom. And then I'm gonna cut his hair.

151. Only Hammond was concentrating on the job in hand.

152. The flat-load bed in the back of this, and minimal intrusion from the wheel arches,

153. the fact that it's the widest, which is what you need.

154. That's how you load the thing up.

155. It's all been thought out.

156. And at £18,600,

157. it's also the cheapest here.

158. So was James focusing on the important stuff, payload, fuel economy?

159. No, he wasn't.

160. I've got air conditioning, I've got a semi-automatic gearbox,

161. I've got a CD player, I've got sat nav.

162. It just goes on and on and on.

163. Predictably, Jeremy got sidetracked by the speed of the van GTI.

164. This is not fast for a van. It's fast, full stop.

165. It does naught to 60 in 11 and a bit seconds.

166. You hit 70 in third.

167. Bizarrely, however, none of this seemed to impress James.

168. I don't actually think your van's as quick as mine, Jeremy.

169. How's he gonna make that one stand up?

170. James, your van does 87 miles an hour, mine does 120.

171. I think mid-range, mine's pretty potent.

172. Okay. Three, two...

173. - This can only end well. - ... one, go.

174. As I was saying, James, I don't think you've quite grasped

175. how fast this van is.

176. Because the other two didn't have speed to keep them going,

177. we pulled over for a cup of tea.

178. I feel like a roadie.

179. - 2:00 in the morning. - Yeah.

180. 2:00.

181. Naturally, the talk soon turned to how confident

182. we felt about leaving our cargo unattended.

183. Hammond didn't seem fazed at all.

184. For one thing, it's got all security systems on it and alarms,

185. and even the key, when you plug it in,

186. it charges up off the ignition.

187. So I know when I hit the button, it's locked.

188. So, that's quite safe then.

189. Actually, this is pretty good.

190. This has got... I can't remember what it's called. Renault Anti-Intruder Device.

191. - It's got like a... - R.A.I.D.

192. R.A.I.D. Yeah. It's got deadlocks that...

193. - So you won't get in there. So, what about yours? - It's fantastic.

194. - I might... I might go and have my tea... - Just...

195. Yeah, 'cause there's 70,000 quids worth of guitars.

196. I'm gonna be out there if you want me.

197. We were now supposed to knuckle down and really test our vans,

198. but I'm afraid we got distracted.

199. This party. Presumably, it's going to be pretty wild.

200. - It's The Who, mate. It's The Who. - Yeah!

201. We were feeling crazy. Well, when I say we...

202. Cruise control! Hey, hey!

203. At quarter to dawn, we made it to the next venue,

204. locked up the vans, and with our work done,

205. headed back to the party at the hotel.

206. Sadly, though, it seems the world of rock 'n' roll has moved on.

207. There were no groupies. The only drug on offer was cocoa,

208. and there was no swimming pool into which I could throw

209. Roger's television.

210. So, we went to bed.

211. The next morning, we met to reach a verdict.

212. But that's hard when you haven't been paying attention.

213. I'd like to say the Volkswagen was the fastest van.

214. - It was. - Yes, it was.

215. - Mine was the biggest van. - Oh, the Renault is huge.

216. Clearly bigger. And my Ford Transit was the cheapest.

217. Yeah.

218. - So... - No, we're going somewhere with this.

219. Yeah, so... There you are.

220. It depends really on what you want from a van.

221. I did a thing last night where I said, "If you're a heart transplant driver..."

222. - Yours is perfect. - Undoubtedly. It's not very big,

223. - but it goes like the clappers. - Yes.

224. But, if the heart bloke died, for example, and you wanted to move some headstones around

225. mine would be better, because you get more in it,

226. and you can carry bigger weight.

227. But the good news is that there are as many vans out there

228. as there are things you'd want to do with them.

229. Absolutely. I mean, if you wanted a Volkswagen

230. that was cheaper than mine...

231. - You can do that. - You can get a cheaper one than you had, yeah.

232. The interesting thing about the Renault, which is a very big van, is

233. if you don't want a big van, they'll do you a smaller one.

234. So even the big vans can be small if you want.

235. Absolutely.

236. Whatever van you want, if you want a van, buy the cheapest.

237. - Of the sort of van you want. - Yeah.

238. And then ring around the local dealers and see

239. who would sell it to you for the least.

240. - That's it. - That's that.

241. Um... Now, um...

242. When we brought that film back to the office, and the producer saw it,

243. he was very angry with us.

244. He said that was the worst conclusion in the history of television.

245. Yeah. May have had a point.

246. Yeah, in fact, he dreamt up a bit of a punishment for us, which we'll show you later.

247. We will. But now, this.

248. It's a letter from a young man called Jenson,

249. who lives in Monte-Carlo.

250. "Dear Top Gear, my car is always breaking down."

251. "Please, please, please, could you fix it for me

252. "to drive something more reliable around your track?"

253. How could we possibly say no? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jenson Button!

254. - How are you? - I'm good, very good, thank you.

255. Have a seat. Have a seat.

256. We're glad to be able to help.

257. Least we can do.

258. Now... Talk us through your facial hair.

259. - My facial hair?

260. Do you not like the facial hair?

261. - I think it looks good. Yeah. - You think it looks good?

262. Well, it's better than... A bit back, it was the Noel Edmonds.

263. Or a bit of a Beadle going on.

264. Well, the thing is, I get four bald patches as well, here.

265. - I don't know if you can see. - Oh, yeah!

266. - Oh, that's not a good look. Let's have a look. - Yeah.

267. Coming from you, Jeremy?

268. - Yeah.

269. I've got a bald patch here! That's even worse.

270. That's even worse. Um...

271. - You live in Monte-Carlo. - I do.

272. You're paid a not inconsiderable sum of money,

273. You're a kind of good-looking chap, before the beard, obviously.

274. Do you find it difficult to get women?

275. Uh... That's a tough one for me to answer at the moment. Um...

276. - Really? Why? - Do I find it difficult...

277. - Yeah, I do, 'cause I'm just busy all the time. - Really?

278. - You know, I'm busy. I'm racing cars. - That's once a fortnight!

279. Once a fortnight, drive round a bit,

280. usually, frankly, break down before the end, this year.

281. We're talking about an hour's work a fortnight. And then you're off.

282. - Just like yourself. - Yeah, exactly like me!

283. We do a lot of testing as well. A lot of testing.

284. If we're in Australia, we do PR.

285. Yeah, we do have some downtime and, er...

286. I like to enjoy myself as we all do.

287. - Um, but... I don't go... - So you get a lot of sex?

288. - Probably more than you, Jeremy, I guess. - Yep.

289. Damn right, mate.

290. Here's a good one.

291. Do you think that these racing cars would be more interesting

292. if they were fitted with guns?

293. - What type of guns? Machine guns or... - Machine guns. Mini-guns.

294. - A bazooka or something? Yeah? - No, mini-guns.

295. Yeah, it would be quite interesting.

296. It might make you drive a little bit quicker.

297. - Really? - It might do, mightn't it?

298. - Might make the guy... - Someone's behind you with a machine gun!

299. You'd be thinking about that. It's an easier way of overtaking.

300. I love the ideas you come up with.

301. - I really do. - I've got so many.

302. - You obviously have a lot of time on your hands. - I have.

303. The one thing I have worked out

304. is I know what's wrong with this car.

305. I know why you're not winning anything.

306. - It's that windscreen.

307. No, I'm not joking. Look!

308. They design all this, everything on it is fluid,

309. and then they go and put this vertical windscreen.

310. That's what's slowing you down, mate. Seriously.

311. - It doesn't do anything. It flexes. - Trust me.

312. Another question I've got for you. Why haven't you won a race?

313. You see, that's a hard one, isn't it? Straight in.

314. - It's because I've never been asked the question before. - Why haven't you?

315. 'Cause you're getting... You're 100 starts now?

316. - 100 and something starts. - 100 and something starts.

317. So what's the matter?

318. - Um, we're not quick enough. It's like... - It's that windscreen.

319. Get the bloody windscreen changed. Trust me.

320. We're not quick enough. We'll get there definitely.

321. Would you exchange the money, the Monte-Carlo lifestyle

322. and everything for that first win?

323. - 100%. 100%. - You would?

324. - Jack the lot in... - 100%.

325. You really would exchange everything?

326. 100%, yeah. It's what I'm...

327. It's what I've been doing for 20 years almost now,

328. is racing, trying to be the best.

329. And it's what I love. It's my passion.

330. You know, when I've got grandkids to tell them

331. that I've got so many million in the bank, it's not gonna excite them...

332. - Oh, trust me, it will.

333. - But to say... - "Tell us your Formula One racing stories, Granddad,

334. - "while we spend this!" - Yeah.

335. But it's better to say you're world champion, isn't it?

336. You're the best in the world at something.

337. - You gave... - That would be, yeah.

338. I appreciate where you're coming from on that.

339. You're wrong, but... I like...

340. I'm glad you said that 'cause I had a horrible feeling there was a moment...

341. But I could see it in your eyes, you were...

342. - Good. - You were telling the truth there.

343. Anyway, of course, we know really why you're here.

344. - Exactly. You do. - Money.

345. Yeah, you're right.

346. - Have you told them all? - No, I'm about to.

347. - We had a bet. - Yeah, we did.

348. He said he'd bet me 20 quid that he could come down here

349. - and drive round our track faster than The Stig. - But the thing is

350. you say that and I can't remember saying that at all.

351. You were quite drunk.

352. - And that is a good thing for a Formula One... - But I wasn't drinking.

353. You must have been spiking my drink. Jeremy... - I was.

354. - I've brought the money along. - I did wake up a bit uncomfortable.

355. - There it is. 20 quid. - Oh, really?

356. That's my £20.

357. Put your £20 down there. Get £20 out,

358. you earn £8 million, so get 20 of them out.

359. Don't you know about racing drivers? We never carry cash.

360. Put £20 there. Because you had the bet.

361. Good, put it on there.

362. Now, obviously we can't send you round

363. in the new reasonably priced car,

364. 'cause this lot have all done it in the old one.

365. Can I just say... Can I just say...

366. It was really hot today.

367. It was really hot today and I had to have

368. the air conditioning on in the car.

369. And you normally... You probably lose about three

370. of the five horsepower the car has.

371. Who'd like to see how Jenson got on in the old Liana?

372. Yeah!

373. Play the tape, let's have a look.

374. It's nice to see the old car back.

375. We'd been missing it, really. We have to use this for the Formula One...

376. You do that line as well.

377. Formula One drivers all do that line, and The Stig doesn't.

378. Oh, really? No.

379. He's obviously not a Formula One driver, is he?

380. Might be. Oh, nice beard.

381. I tell you...

382. Have you noticed I don't say a word?

383. You've been concentrating. I love the way you guys can carry that speed.

384. I've never driven a car where it feels

385. like the rear isn't connected to the front end.

386. If you watch it in TV, 'cause I watch the show every week...

387. Yeah, in Monaco? Yeah.

388. - And, er... No.

389. And, er... You think, why the hell are they taking that line?

390. But you do take a different... - Lovely gear change!

391. There he goes into the Follow Through. Were you flat through here?

392. Easy, it's easy flat. Jeremy!

393. For some people! It wasn't easy the other day. - I was actually...

394. Here we come, second to last corner, this catches out the amateurs.

395. Oh! That's wide through there.

396. - That might have cost you a bit of time. You reckon?

397. You'll like this bit, you'll like this. Here it is!

398. - Across the line! - Thank you.

399. - Now... - I've actually got a feeling it wasn't that high up.

400. I should point out this one was wet, all right?

401. - Oh, really? - Yeah.

402. It wasn't slower than Mark, was it?

403. Could you honestly turn up in the Grand Prix circuit again

404. if you were slower than him and he did it in the rain?

405. I'm trying to talk myself down then we're gonna be hopefully a bit higher.

406. - You weren't slower than Mark. - Okay.

407. But do you think you beat The Stig?

408. Hmm.

409. I saw him out there, he looked good.

410. - He's saying all the right things. - He looked good.

411. - Jenson? - Oh, no!

412. - You did it. This is the most important thing ever. - Okay.

413. In the world, this is it.

414. One minute...

415. - The pen doesn't work! - The pen doesn't work.

416. - It must be... - It's the heat.

417. - You seem to be sweating. - We'll muddle through.

418. - One minute, 40... - Got it.

419. - ... four... - Yeah.

420. point

421. - seven. - No!

422. Yes! So you have made me

423. very rich.

424. Somewhere in Dorset,

425. Nigel Mansell just blew up with excitement.

426. - He did have three days' practice. - He brought his jet in.

427. He had a really good look at the track before going out there.

428. Anyway, you've been a superb sport.

429. Ladies and gentlemen, Jenson Button!

430. Thank you.

431. Very good, indeed.

432. Now, normally at this point in the show

433. we would do the news, but it's the middle of summer,

434. - everybody's on holiday and there isn't any. - No.

435. So, unlike a regional news programme that would go out anyway

436. and look for a badger that could tap dance, we're not gonna bother.

437. No, there is no news.

438. What we do have instead, though,

439. is a new Rolls-Royce, and here it is.

440. And it's the 101EX.

441. Yeah. Now, it has the same engine as the Phantom,

442. so that's 450 brake horsepower,

443. 6.75-litre V12.

444. But the body is lighter, it's made of carbon fibre,

445. apart from this bit, which is aluminium.

446. Yeah, it's shorter than the Phantom, it's lower than the Phantom,

447. and, of course, it only has two doors, which,

448. ready for this, open backwards

449. so that one may simply step aboard.

450. And then inside it's the usual blend of dead animal and rainforest,

451. but with a twist.

452. Oh, yes. If you look up at the ceiling, you will see

453. that it's like the Milky Way.

454. And, in fact, riding in the back of this car is a bit like lying in a field

455. in Cornwall in the middle of a very clear night.

456. It really is a fabulous thing.

457. It's amazing and, if I was having one, I think, Hammond,

458. I would have the Great Bear.

459. Yeah. You can even vary the brightness of the constellation.

460. - Look, you can turn it up and down. Ooh!

461. That is disgusting!

462. Oh, dear. I fear Jeremy may be heading this way with an opinion.

463. No, no, honestly, you can have one of those pinprick light things, okay,

464. on the roof of a limo on a hen night.

465. You cannot have one, okay, in a Rolls-Royce.

466. And you can't have seven-spoke alloys, and you can't have red brake callipers,

467. and you can't have carbon fibre and look at that.

468. A glass Spirit of Ecstasy with a light bulb up its bottom!

469. Jeremy.

470. That... That is brilliant.

471. No, the Phantom is brilliant, okay?

472. This, if they ever put it into production

473. and if it has all this stuff on it,

474. will have to be called the Rolls-Royce Vulgar Sonic.

475. - Well, you'd know. - Exactly, when it comes to vulgar...

476. The other day we all went to a screening

477. of that new film, Cars. Don't know if you've seen it.

478. We walked in and he said,

479. "Yeah, this is a lot like my cinema at home!"

480. I've just had a really good idea.

481. Why don't you shut up?

482. And why don't you tell all the ladies and gentlemen,

483. with your Tipp-Ex teeth,

484. - about the car that you've been driving that I haven't. - Oh, yes!

485. I've been driving the latest offering from one of our very favourite carmakers.

486. Noble. When they came along seven years ago,

487. our first thought was, "Oh, dear, here we go again.

488. "Another small British sports car firm that's going to disappoint its bank manager."

489. But their first two cars, the M10 and the M12,

490. were absolutely superb.

491. And now, here comes the difficult third album.

492. It's a brand new car and it's called the M15.

493. And, unusually for one of these small manufacturers,

494. new doesn't mean reheated leftovers.

495. It's got a new interior, a new body, new chassis.

496. This really is brand new.

497. It's still got Noble written all over it.

498. It's low, it's mid-engined and it's fast.

499. I can tell when I'm really hammering it because the rev needle

500. turns from blue to red. Look at that!

501. This is the most powerful Noble ever,

502. with 450 brake horsepower from the twin turbo V6.

503. Nought to 60 takes 3.9 seconds.

504. Top speed? 196.

505. Now, the previous Noble, the M12,

506. was a real "wham, bam, thank you, ma'am,"

507. punch in the back. And this, though, it's a more civilised surge.

508. But that's not surprising because the M15

509. is supposed to be more civilised, more grown up.

510. On the outside all the mad boy racer spoilers have gone.

511. It's a much more restrained car.

512. And on the inside, instead of track day harnesses

513. and fire extinguishers,

514. you get air conditioning, sat nav,

515. and that most modern of features, a boot.

516. You get more of everything,

517. but then it costs more money: £75,000.

518. Which means the M15, designed in a shed in Leicester,

519. is going head-to-head with the mighty Porsche 911.

520. Basically, Noble has got ambitions.

521. And when small car companies get ambitious,

522. that's usually a big worry.

523. It's easy for a small car company

524. to build a hardcore track day car.

525. Just get a big engine and some scaffolding.

526. But it's much harder to build one

527. that you can live with every day,

528. rain, shine or snow.

529. Nevertheless, Noble has stepped out onto the tightrope,

530. and I'm happy to report they haven't fallen off.

531. The handling is absolutely

532. superb!

533. Turn it and it just grips and grips and grips.

534. And then there's a tiny little bit of understeer

535. to tell you you're being a bit of a spanner.

536. It just keeps on gripping.

537. But that's not to say this is boring. Oh, no! Not by any means.

538. When you wanna have fun

539. you can have any amount of it. This is amazing.

540. Well, it's still a proper Noble.

541. And yet for all that, the ride is perfectly comfortable.

542. The M15 really is the sort of sports car you could use every day.

543. This car is bigger, comfier.

544. There's enough noise, but I'm not being deafened.

545. Enough power, but I can cope with it.

546. It really is like a 911.

547. But what amazes me is that a few men in Leicester,

548. have achieved something that Porsche

549. needs a cast of thousands to do.

550. And the reason I think Noble have pulled it off

551. is because they've kept everything simple.

552. If I was in a TVR now,

553. the indicators would be on the ceiling

554. and the switches would be made of kryptonite,

555. and the doors would open inwards on a dodecahedral hinge.

556. But, no, if I pull up in a Noble, the door is just a door,

557. that opens sort of door-ishly.

558. Everything is where it should be

559. and how it should be.

560. And by biting off only what they can chew,

561. Noble have made a car that is quite simply

562. brilliant.

563. Wow! I'll tell you...

564. It's one hell of a car, this. I have to say.

565. - It's just a shame I didn't drive it. - You didn't.

566. And you're not going to now, either,

567. because it's time to put it in the hands

568. of our tame racing driver.

569. Some say that his first name really is "The,"

570. and that if he went on Celebrity Love Island

571. they'd all be pregnant, including the cameramen.

572. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

573. And he's off. Smoking the tyres,

574. but then it soon digs in.

575. Plenty of traction there as he blasts up towards the first corner.

576. Here we go. Ooh, little correction on the way in.

577. But he's holding it steady now... Hard on the power to push him out the other side.

578. You have a beautiful home.

579. Hasn't Stig mastered Greek yet?

580. Well, he's mastered Chicago. Looking very neat.

581. Now kicking the tail wide. Ooh, very dramatic.

582. Now, Hammerhead. Expecting good things here.

583. So much poise and grip with this car.

584. Flicking it right. A little bit of understeer.

585. But he's on top of that, and that is beautifully done.

586. Out the other side... Whoa, Stig!

587. There's no toilet paper.

588. Now, really winding it up now for the Follow Through.

589. This car has more torque than previous Nobles in any gear.

590. It just goes. And look at that!

591. Very fast, two corners to go.

592. Right on the edge, here. Ooh!

593. Just Gambon left now.

594. Chucks it in.

595. Oh, no, he's on the grass.

596. And across the line...

597. - That looked great.

598. - Oh, yeah. Well, we'll see. - It really did.

599. It's so absolutely...

600. Yeah, it did. Well,

601. it did it in one minute

602. twenty

603. two...

604. - You're now gonna be able to reach then. point...

605. Point five.

606. - Which is phenomenal. My God!

607. - That puts it right the way up there. - In there. Let me help you.

608. So that it's faster than a 430 Ferrari, faster than a Murcielago,

609. faster than a standard Zonda.

610. That is incredible. I mean, look at it. It's like this Corvette, the Z06.

611. - It's one of those giant killers. - Absolutely.

612. What I want to know is...

613. There's the old Noble, okay?

614. Why is that one so much faster?

615. I mean, why's it got more power?

616. - 'Cause it's the same engine. - Yeah.

617. Well, basically in the old one,

618. that V6 was mounted sideways in the car

619. which meant there was only room for the gearbox of a Mondeo.

620. - Basically. - Oh, God, yeah.

621. You can only put so much power through it. They've turned it round

622. mounted it lengthwise. They've been able to put their own

623. custom-built gearbox on it,

624. and get more power out, turn the turbos up.

625. - And you get better cooling. - Yeah. It's easier to mount to the cooler.

626. Well, that's brilliant. And now we've got to move on

627. because it's time to put a star

628. in our reasonably priced car.

629. Now, my guest tonight is a huge star and a cockney.

630. So, ladies and gentlemen, on to your plates of meat

631. and open your mince pies

632. because he's here in... Wait a minute.

633. The Phil Collins

634. su-su-studio.

635. That's not working, is it? It's making a complete hash of this.

636. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, he's the meanest, coolest act working in Britain today,

637. Ray Winstone!

638. - Oh, yeah!

639. - Love the look. How are you? Good to see you, mate. - I'm all right.

640. - Have a seat. - Thank you.

641. - Thank you. - That's a welcome!

642. Ah, you know.

643. I paid them enough.

644. Now, you're a man who says you don't like the trappings of show business.

645. We tend not to give you any.

646. Well, I do like the trappings of show business.

647. - Oh, do you? I apologise. - Yeah, you certainly haven't given me any.

648. - No.

649. It's the air-conditioning, the worst thing.

650. Well, they're saying it's like cold inside there.

651. I just wanted to go and have a wash. Have you seen the khazi here?

652. Yeah, I was hoping you wouldn't need that.

653. No, well... I didn't use it.

654. You are an East End boy.

655. Yeah, I am. I'm out of Plaistow in West Ham.

656. Presumably, half the people you were at school with

657. are all in clink. Shortly...

658. No, not really. I mean, there's a lot of boys we used to go boxing with.

659. One of them is Tony Marchant,

660. who's one of the top writers in this country, you know.

661. There's Glen Murphy, who's an actor, you know, so there's...

662. I forgotten you did boxing. Didn't you box for England?

663. I boxed kind of at the novice level for England.

664. I boxed against Wales a couple of times.

665. - How many fights did you have? - Eighty-eight.

666. - Eighty-eight? - Yeah. I won one. Yeah.

667. So how did you get from kind of East End boxing

668. that whole thing, to a drama school?

669. Well, my mum and dad, they moved out of Plaistow

670. 'cause Dad was in the fruit game.

671. And they moved to Edmonton, Enfield, around that area,

672. and I went to school there and done the school play.

673. Which I think, my mum looked at and thought, "There's a way for him out,"

674. you know, no getting into trouble and all that sort of stuff

675. and she put me in a drama school, which I...

676. I wanted to do and I lasted a year there.

677. What did you get expelled for?

678. Well, there's a lot of snobbery in my game, Jeremy, um...

679. And I was looked at, I think, as a bit of a danger to the other kids.

680. I mean, before I had elocution lessons, you should've heard me.

681. - Really?

682. I was a bit of a toe rag, you know?

683. - No! - And I sabotaged a car.

684. - I put tacks in... - Whose?

685. The headmistress.

686. - And I got grassed by someone from West London, obviously... - Tacks in the tyres?

687. - West London! - Yeah. And I was thrown out the school.

688. But looking back at it, quite rightly so, you know.

689. - Could've been a dangerous thing, couldn't it? - Mmm-hmm.

690. Well, at least you talk proper now.

691. - Yeah, I do. - That's the important thing.

692. - I'm a proper actor now, aren't I? - Yeah, well, exactly.

693. - You always play a villain. - I don't.

694. Well, I mean, Henry VIII, he was a villain.

695. Henry VIII was probably the biggest gangster there'd ever been.

696. He made England what it is today.

697. I'd have Elizabeth I for that one.

698. - Well, you know, I mean, fantastic... - Same stock.

699. Well, you know, it was my kid, loved her. She's proper.

700. Didn't you used to work in the flower market? Was it the flower market?

701. No, the fruit market. I worked in Spitalfields with my dad.

702. My dad was a greengrocer.

703. - I thought your dad was a cab driver. - No, he's a cab driver now.

704. There's a great story about him. You know, cab driver stories, right?

705. I never looked at my dad as being gullible but he stood for this one.

706. And he says, "Yeah..." We're standing in the pub and he's telling me this story

707. about this fella who came out of the Dorchester one day

708. and hailed a cab and the taxi said,

709. "Where do you want to go?" And he said, "Berlin."

710. He said, "I've missed the flights. I can't get there. I need to go to Berlin.

711. "I want you to take me down to Dover, on the boat. Bosh.

712. "Go through France, take me to Berlin. I need to get there."

713. So the cab driver done that.

714. And he's got to Berlin, and as he dropped the fella off he's paid him in readies,

715. and as the cab driver was about to turn away and come home,

716. a fella came out of the hotel and said,

717. "Mate, can you take me to London?"

718. And my dad believed that.

719. - Yeah. - Let's talk about cars, okay?

720. You're a Jag man, yeah?

721. I've never been really that mad on cars.

722. I've always had old bangers all my life and, uh...

723. But as a kid, the car at the time was the E-Type Jag.

724. - It still is. - Well, you know, it's a fantastic tool.

725. - 'Cause in the past, the E-Type was a pretty thing. - Yeah.

726. But they still have that Arthur Daley, you know...

727. It's a getaway car, a Jag.

728. Well, I think so. It's always had that sexiness about it, innit?

729. I know, exactly. In the back. - Crombies. Nice Crombie and all that.

730. Yeah, the swag in the boot.

731. I can never work that one out because

732. near where I live, there's a humpback bridge

733. that goes over a station, which is quite humpy, all right?

734. And my mate didn't know, he was driving my old Jag,

735. and we went flying over the humpback

736. and it hit the floor and it switched off.

737. The whole car switched off.

738. There was a fellow following us behind in a van who I happened to know.

739. He said, "What's the matter?" I said, "He's killed the car."

740. He said, "No, he ain't." He said, "There's a button at the bottom of a Jag

741. - "and it's a switch-off thing. So if you have a crash... - Yeah.

742. "... it switches itself off."

743. Which is no good if you're a bank robber.

744. It ain't, is it? I mean...

745. You're in a 100-mile chase with the old bill up your backsides,

746. and you happen to hit the kerb or something and the car switches off,

747. you're really in trouble.

748. Anyway, your lap. How was it?

749. Oh, I loved it.

750. And I'm not a fast driver, really.

751. 'Cause I'm driving the kids about.

752. And going around with Stig, he's a really good teacher.

753. - I mean... - Everybody says that.

754. As long as you listen to him. You've got to listen to the guy.

755. And really, in the end I was loving it.

756. Shall we have a look at your, well... On egg bap?

757. - Oh, what's that? - Rhyming slang. Thought I'd drop it in.

758. - Was that a northern one? - Lap.

759. Lap! Oh, right. Thank you.

760. - Are we ready? Play the tape. - Yeah, go on.

761. Now, you see? Was that nice?

762. It was all right, wasn't it?

763. Good wheel spin start.

764. Ooh, that's looking good.

765. - He's tidy through... - There's my baby.

766. That's a good look you got on your face there.

767. - Was that acting or was that real? Yeah, acting.

768. - That was me... myself really!

769. Let's go. Put it in fourth gear down.

770. But not looking at the gear lever,

771. that is the important thing we've discovered.

772. - Oh, it's gone a bit wide. A bit wide, wasn't it?

773. Still, better than Jenson. - Oh, was it?

774. Nigel Mansell? Eat your heart out, son.

775. Now this is the tricky one.

776. This is where you make... Oh, across. That's very dangerous.

777. Is it? - ... lift off the accelerator. You're all right, my son.

778. Yee-ha!

779. There's a man... Oh, my God, that's cut that corner nicely.

780. Are we on the grass there? Yes, but back on. Coming into Gambon.

781. That is very nicely done. Well, then, here we are, across the line.

782. - Nice one!

783. Very nice.

784. Where do you think you've come?

785. I don't know, because I think my time was all right.

786. I thought I was going really fast but, um...

787. Above Coogan anyway.

788. Above Coogan? - Yeah.

789. - How can I break it to you? - Oh, I never...

790. - I didn't beat Coogan? - One minute

791. - 51.4. - What's that then?

792. - Well, it's there, I'm afraid. - Ah, then Coogan beat me.

793. But give him a round of applause anyway.

794. And I'll tell you what I'll do, hang on.

795. I'll tell you what I'll do.

796. I'm gonna put "hot" on it.

797. Thank you.

798. I'm gonna put "hot" on it because we've decided

799. - that... We didn't tell Jenson Button this. - Yeah. Yeah.

800. - We wanted to humiliate him. - Right.

801. But we've decided that hot days cause the cars to be slower.

802. - Oh, I think that's true.

803. Thought you would.

804. I don't feel too bad, because haven't you just spent the year snogging Angelina Jolie?

805. No, only a day.

806. Oh, I'm sorry!

807. It felt like a year. No, it was fantastic.

808. I came home to my wife after the night of doing it. It was in Los Angeles,

809. and she don't usually ask me what I've done.

810. She said, "What's the matter, babe?"

811. I said, "I've had a bit of a... day, babe."

812. She said, "What? What's the matter?"

813. I said, "I've spent the whole day... I had to snog her all day."

814. "Who?"Angelina Jolie." She said, "Well, someone's got to."

815. - It's got to be Brad! - She's a great girl.

816. - Ladies and gentlemen, Ray Winstone! - Thank you.

817. - Thank you, Jeremy. - Ray Winstone. Thank you so much.

818. Right. Now, earlier in the show, we road-tested three vans.

819. And proved that we know absolutely nothing about the subject.

820. No, nothing. So the producers came up with a plan.

821. They said the only way to learn

822. about vans is to actually go out, buy one and run it.

823. Yeah, so they gave each of us £1,000 and

824. told us to buy a van, sign-write the side

825. with our company name,

826. and then report to the Top Gear test track here

827. for a number of challenges.

828. Because I know so little about vans,

829. I did what Hammond had done in the earlier test.

830. Played it safe and bought myself a Ford Transit.

831. Long wheel-base, 2.5-litre diesel engine, only done 77,000 miles.

832. Apparently. And do you know how much I paid for it? 800 quid.

833. James, meanwhile, had stuck to his theory of biggest is best

834. and bought a huge LDV box van.

835. James, are you filming with us today or are you moving house?

836. James, however, was more bothered about my sign-writing.

837. What have you done with that sign?

838. "Top Gear Furriers."

839. Couriers. - Oh. Couriers. It's Top... I may have...

840. Oh, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

841. God, that's a stuperb thing!

842. - It's brilliant. - It's not bad.

843. - And how much was it? - 950 quid.

844. - Now we have to wait for Bob the Builder, really, don't we? - Mmm.

845. Who eventually did arrive.

846. Did you wash it on too hot a setting?

847. I have to leave that wound up there 'cause...

848. - I see what you've done. - ... I ran out of space.

849. Well, you would!

850. It's a Suzuki Super Carry.

851. - Super Carry? - Super Carry.

852. Optimistic title.

853. - It's basically... - Like a supermarket and a supertanker.

854. It's basically a Bedford Rascal.

855. - Yeah. - It's got nearly a 900cc engine.

856. - Uh-huh. - Naught to 60 in 18, 19 seconds.

857. I would imagine that's quicker than mine.

858. Well, let's see, because it's time to get on with the challenges.

859. Here it is. The first instruction of the day.

860. "We start with something with which you should be familiar.

861. "A quarter-mile drag race. Who's got the fastest van?"

862. What's that actually got to do with anything?

863. You're gonna come last.

864. Actually, there is a point.

865. A self-employed van driver can't afford to waste his day

866. with a tool that isn't quick enough.

867. Mid-engine is right here, which gives me

868. perfect weight distribution.

869. So, dynamically, I'm already ahead.

870. I wasn't expecting much oomph,

871. unlike our cameraman, who's used to filming

872. much faster stuff than this.

873. I'm no match for hamster. Look at his postage stamp go!

874. It's probably the best part of 50 brake horsepower.

875. I'm just leaving them for dead.

876. James and I have the same 2.5-litre Ford engine

877. but he had more weight.

878. Goodbye, mate!

879. Come on!

880. Yeah! I'm gonna pass the finishing line and I'm doing nearly 60!

881. Second! Average.

882. James came in noisy last in motorsport's slowest-ever drag race.

883. And Hammond had won it, which seemed to please him.

884. Ooh! Where did that come from?

885. Then it was time for challenge number two.

886. "A good van driver must be able to load his van

887. "as quickly and efficiently as possible.

888. "You must now fill your vehicles with a selection of cargo

889. "and deliver it safely to the drop-off. You will be racing each other."

890. I hope it's a really big pile of stuff.

891. I don't like manual labour.

892. Our cargo included all the bits and bobs

893. a man in a van might be expected to carry.

894. Everything from vases to expensive works of art,

895. and from double mattresses to illegal immigrants.

896. Three, two, one, go!

897. There may be issues here.

898. Richard really did have a size problem, and his van was pretty small, as well.

899. Painted by Ronnie Shepherd.

900. James was having problems with his illegal immigrant.

901. Come on. Just...

902. So he decided to employ him.

903. Meanwhile, Jeremy was being as practical as ever.

904. Oh! Oh, that's...

905. - Just mind that.

906. Ugh!

907. Who says that loading a van is a slow process?

908. That didn't break. That didn't break. Yes, it did. That did.

909. How do you say, "You go in the front," in Albanian?

910. Get in the back, hide under the mattress.

911. And you owe me 20 grand.

912. I'm done.

913. Hold tight!

914. James had, indeed, set off first. But the winner was the first across the line

915. and then get his van unloaded.

916. So, I hatched a dastardly plan.

917. Unload that, May!

918. Empty! I think I've won something!

919. Cannily, James had driven a few feet forwards,

920. so he could unload.

921. But he was still having trouble with his immigrant.

922. He, therefore, finished second. And Hammond? Well, he looked ridiculous,

923. and he was last.

924. I tell you what, though. What?

925. We're no worse than the last removal people I used.

926. So, the next challenge, then.

927. Here we go, "Possibly the most important skill

928. "a van driver must have is the ability to sit right on the tail of the car in front.

929. "So, each of you must now drive up the runway and get as close as possible

930. "to the bumper of a lane-hogger in front,

931. "without touching. The closer you get, the more points you get."

932. Hammond went first, with Jeremy and I posing as the lane-hoggers.

933. - Right, 40... Set. - Here he comes.

934. We would measure the gap between us using a special laser

935. mounted on the back of the car.

936. This will be quite easy in my van because, of course, it's got a completely flat front.

937. So, basically, I just keep going until my knees touch the back.

938. It's like being followed by a small insect.

939. - And he's not frightening me!

940. He's 31.9 millimetres away,

941. - which is a vast, yawning chasm! - It is!

942. You could park a bus in that gap, Hammond!

943. Hammond responded. - 18.9.

944. - 10.34 millimetres. Oh! - He did a 10.3!

945. Next, it was Jeremy with 10.3 millimetres to beat.

946. Here he comes. Here he comes. Now that's a familiar sight on a road, isn't it?

947. Seventy millimetres. Sixty millimetres.

948. This is the problem with a Transit is you cannot see

949. where the front is. You just can't. There's nothing!

950. What's he doing?

951. With most of my torso out of the window, I had a much clearer view.

952. Now, he's hit us.

953. - He's hit us quite... Naught. That's not. - Naught.

954. He must have bent the bumper slightly, 'cause it went to minus 6 millimetres.

955. Finally, it was James' turn

956. and he had an even bigger problem than me.

957. I can't catch up.

958. - What's it saying? Does it measure it in miles? - Well...

959. Come on!

960. We are going to run out of runway

961. before James gets anywhere near us.

962. I really can't terrorise them at this rate.

963. Captain Slow, living up to his name there.

964. And now, the next challenge.

965. "Van drivers never waste their profits on vehicle maintenance,

966. "so you must now each change the front door of your own van.

967. "You'll be racing against each other."

968. - That's more manual labour. - Yes, it is.

969. Three, two, one, go! - Right.

970. - Can I be excused this? Oh, look.

971. The producers said no,

972. so while the others set to work with spanners,

973. I broke out my ingenuity.

974. James, can I borrow your van?

975. Think that did the trick.

976. That's off!

977. Soon, we were all trying to attach the new doors,

978. with varying degrees of intelligence.

979. It's impossible!

980. Yeah!

981. I was the first to finish without using Sellotape.

982. Is the door in place? Go and open it.

983. - What? - Go and open it.

984. It doesn't say anything about opening it. It said put a new door.

985. Oh, for Pete's sake!

986. James, meanwhile, was taking so long that he ran out of time.

987. - I was about to finish. - No, you weren't! You were fiddling with your spanners,

988. polishing them.

989. He'd given them all names. "This is Jeffrey, Ian, Steven."

990. Get on with it.

991. Right. "Thieving Ian will now attempt to break into the back doors of your vans.

992. "The longer it takes him, the more points you get."

993. Three, two, one, go.

994. Don't knock it over!

995. Thieving Ian is Top Gear's tame car thief and, by the looks of it,

996. not a very good one.

997. You know, what he's done is he's pushed the lock into the thing.

998. That's quite funny.

999. - He's really quite stumped by yours. - Unbeatable, you see.

1000. It's small.

1001. Why don't you just pick the van up and put it in your pocket?

1002. By now, the police would be here,

1003. he'd be in prison and then let out again.

1004. - He's defeated by the van. - He's defeated at one minute.

1005. Three, two, one, go.

1006. Is that technically not cheating?

1007. People say car thieves are very clever these days, but this one isn't, is he?

1008. Oh! Oh!

1009. He's in!

1010. - I've got 34 seconds. 34 seconds for the Transit to withstand

1011. the world's most useless burglar.

1012. Three, two, one, go.

1013. There's a lot of Transits around. It's important to see how easy it is to get in.

1014. - That was 10 seconds. - He walked up and it opened.

1015. This is it. It's the final challenge.

1016. "It's a game of cops and robbers

1017. "round the Top Gear short circuit.

1018. "You start, then 20 seconds later a police car will give chase.

1019. "The person who stays in front the longest wins."

1020. Who's driving the police car?

1021. Says here it's Detective Inspector Stig!

1022. Stig would be driving a standard

1023. 1.6-litre Vauxhall Astra panda car.

1024. A Bugatti Veyron compared to our vans.

1025. Jeremy went first.

1026. This is exciting!

1027. There goes Fingers Clarkson with his haul!

1028. Okay, now in the 1970s,

1029. 80% of all bank jobs

1030. featured a Ford Transit van as a getaway vehicle.

1031. Twenty seconds later, Stig of the Yard set off.

1032. Through the Follow Through. Oh, yes!

1033. Oh, the door's gone! My door's gone!

1034. He looks such a pillock!

1035. Shedding weight, however, was good.

1036. Detective Inspector Stig, well behind.

1037. The finish line was in sight. Marbella, here I come!

1038. Oh, no! No!

1039. Police Stig!

1040. No! No! No!

1041. I didn't make it.

1042. That was excellent. That was worthy of The Bill.

1043. Next up, James Kray!

1044. - He's caught him!

1045. What a majestic sight.

1046. Off goes Police Stig!

1047. I've made the Hammerhead.

1048. Has James ever gone round the Hammerhead? - No.

1049. Braking. Braking hard.

1050. Well, he's got me! It's all over!

1051. I'll come cleanly. It's a fair cop!

1052. He did better than I thought.

1053. - You might do quite well here. - Yeah!

1054. Yeah!

1055. - Short wheel-base. - Just like a little rocket.

1056. So, first corner. Now, it's mid-engine.

1057. I reckon I'm going to give it a bit of the old Scandinavian flick.

1058. He's rolled it! He's rolled it over!

1059. - He's out! He's lost. - That means I'm second!

1060. So, um... He could be dead.

1061. Well, there's a police car at the scene of the accident, so...

1062. If he is dead, and you fancy a job on Top Gear, why not write to us at:

1063. "I'm better than Richard Hammond was..."

1064. I may have over-cooked that a bit.

1065. BBC Wood Lane, London, W12 7TS.

1066. Whoo!

1067. Boom!

1068. Right! It is time to add up the scores and see who's won.

1069. Yep, now, we've already filled in the scores for the drag race,

1070. the loading and the thief test. The tailgating, though, is where it gets tricky.

1071. You get a point for every centimetre under...

1072. - Every centimetre under 10 centimetres. - Right.

1073. So I was minus a half.

1074. Richard, you were nine. And, James, you were minus 4 million.

1075. Yeah.

1076. - What? Hang on a minute.

1077. I lose 4 million points for not tailgating?

1078. That's exactly right.

1079. And you don't get anything for the door challenge,

1080. 'cause you were still naming all your spanners. Who won that one?

1081. It was me! I won the door challenge.

1082. Hang on! You put that on with gaffer tape.

1083. So? The whole British Army is held together with gaffer tape.

1084. Jeremy, it didn't open. And if something doesn't open, it's not a door.

1085. He's right. - It did open.

1086. - It didn't. - It did when it fell off.

1087. He can't claim that!

1088. All right. Who here thinks Jeremy won with the door?

1089. Who thinks Jeremy won that? Hands up.

1090. Who thinks I won, fitting my door on with bolts? Everybody.

1091. - One for me!

1092. You lost.

1093. You did. You lost.

1094. Fair enough. I'm not sore.

1095. - Plenty more ground here. We're three. So you get three. - And you get nought.

1096. I don't know why you're gloating Nought Man! And I get two.

1097. Now, the police chase.

1098. That would be a big three for me. James you did well, two.

1099. - And you, one. - One?

1100. - Your van rolled over. - I could've been killed!

1101. - So? You'd have still lost. - Exactly!

1102. Exactly. And now we've got to add these up.

1103. So, it's five, six, five and a half, seven and a half,

1104. ten and a half. Okay?

1105. Richard, three, four... Wait a minute.

1106. Stretching you, this, isn't it?

1107. Twenty. Okay?

1108. And, James, you're two, three, four, five, six, seven...

1109. 3 million...

1110. Sorry, minus 3,999,993.

1111. Yeah. It didn't go well for you, did it? - Is what you scored.

1112. - You're not going well. - However, there was one more challenge,

1113. because the producers told us to put

1114. a "man with a van" type ad in a newspaper each.

1115. And that we would each get one point

1116. for every response we got from our ad.

1117. Yes, we did. So, James, what was your advert?

1118. My ad was:

1119. "Man with van. LDV Convoy with fully-functioning automatic door system.

1120. - "Driven by steady, sensitive, classically-trained pianist." Nice.

1121. Pretty good. Remember, it's one point for each reply.

1122. A chance for you to claw back some points, here, James. How many replies?

1123. - None. Right.

1124. So you're pretty much out.

1125. Richard, your ad was...

1126. My ad ran like this:

1127. "Driver with van. Surprisingly spacious. Would suit anyone who lives at narrow street.

1128. "Speedy delivery guaranteed thanks to F1-style mid-engine layout." Which it's got.

1129. - Which it has. - No denying that. How many replies?

1130. - One. - One.

1131. So you actually now get 21.

1132. I think this "man with a van" malarkey is not as well-paid as we might have imagined.

1133. - It's not brilliant, is it? - Not really.

1134. - Come on. Let's hear it. - So...

1135. Mine. Ah, yeah, very quickly, very simple.

1136. "Man with van. Classic Ford Transit. Well-ventilated."

1137. It had no door on it!

1138. Well-ventilated!

1139. "Willing driver, slightly bad back."

1140. Right, okay. So let me just work this out a minute.

1141. Hammond's in the lead, but if you get more than 10 and a half replies,

1142. you'll have won.

1143. Eleven and a half replies.

1144. - Eleven and a half replies. - And you got?

1145. - None. - Yes! I win!

1146. - It's me! Thank you!

1147. And the really good thing is,

1148. that this means all future van tests in future will be done by you.

1149. - I don't want to. - Yeah.

1150. Then I'm gonna do the super cars from now on,

1151. although that is a way off,

1152. because this is the last programme in the series.

1153. Sorry about that, but we will see you again in the autumn.

1154. Thank you so much for watching. Good night.