Top Gear 8x7

1. Tonight, is a Peugeot faster than two men?

2. Has Lamborghini gone mad again?

3. And can we build a whole car in eight hours?

4. Hello and welcome.

5. And we start tonight with people carriers.

6. We've always said they're for people who've really given up on life.

7. You know, it's born, married, children, people carriers, Stannah stair lift, dead.

8. Thing is, though, there are now some new people carriers

9. which have come along that are supposed to be sensible and fun to drive.

10. So Richard and James have been out and about to see what's what.

11. Yes, that's our task for today,

12. to try and find a family car

13. that has some zest and charisma to it.

14. A car that basically says, "Dads, don't despair."

15. Our first contender is the brand-new Ford S-Max.

16. It's like the Galaxy people carrier, but with big alloy wheels

17. and three inches lopped off the roofline.

18. So it's lower and sportier.

19. And you can get it with the turbo-charged engine from Ford Focus,

20. so it's faster.

21. And now here's James with the next contender.

22. Yes, it's the Mercedes B-Class.

23. Keen students of the alphabet will probably have worked out already

24. that this is one up from the A-Class.

25. This car prides itself on having the maximum interior space

26. for the least exterior size.

27. And this is the B200 version, with turbo power!

28. Oh, and that makes me feel really good.

29. And finally, from Luton, the Vauxhall Zafira VXR.

30. Blimey!

31. Now this has a 2-litre, turbo-charged engine

32. putting out 237 brake horsepower,

33. and because of that, it claims the title of world's fastest MPV.

34. So there we are. They're all people carriers,

35. they're all turbo-charged,

36. and they all cost between £20,000 and 23,000.

37. Time, then, to find a winner.

38. And, this being Top Gear, we start with the most important question,

39. which one's the fastest?

40. And for that, we need an independent adjudicator,

41. someone who has no mortgage, no nine-to-five job and no children.

42. Three... two... one... go!

43. The B-Class is the least powerful here,

44. with only 190 horsepower.

45. So, what does it look like from here?

46. Slow.

47. But, it's also the smallest and the lightest.

48. Here he comes!

49. 136.06.

50. Three... two... one... go!

51. - Wheel-spinning start! - Very un-family.

52. At 220 brake horsepower, it's the second most powerful. But it's the biggest.

53. Last corner, here it comes! 136 to beat...

54. 137.03. It's slower.

55. Finally, the hoodie.

56. Three... two... one... go!

57. - Wheel spin, rev-limiter action.

58. Well, if this thing isn't the fastest...

59. There's really a nice old church over there.

60. With 237 horsepower, the VXR is the quickest on paper,

61. but will it be able to use all that power

62. or will it under-steer wildly, like that Vectra last week.

63. 136.44.

64. - Technically, that's second. - Uh...

65. - Which means... - The Mercedes has won.

66. the Mercedes is fastest.

67. That's... And the Ford's slowest?

68. Now, most family cars are boring to look at,

69. but these three have made an effort to look lively.

70. However, the Zafira VXR tries a bit too hard.

71. We like the chunky 18-inch alloys,

72. but the skirts and spoilers are all a bit mid-life crisis.

73. As for the Mercedes... Again, we approve of the big AMG wheels,

74. but everything else is a bit too dark and dull.

75. The S-Max, however, is just right.

76. The interior is up to date, and on the outside, it's smooth and sleek.

77. Nice gills, too.

78. With that sorted, we took the cars for a drive, starting with Peter Stringfellow.

79. Ooh! Do you have to do that?

80. Well, it's the world's fastest MPV.

81. What do you think?

82. Well, it does go quite well, but it torque steers like a...

83. Yeah, especially it just sets off in whichever way

84. the wheels wanna go in any given moment.

85. And the lairyness wasn't the only problem.

86. - You comfortable? - Not really.

87. - Yeah... - I think it's a bit jiggly.

88. Next up, the Mercedes B-Class.

89. It's got quite a lot of kit, but I know what you're gonna say.

90. It costs a lot of money!

91. What's the standard for one of these?

92. It's 23 grand, actually.

93. But this one costs...

94. - 31.

95. - 31? - There's a little button that makes the mirrors fold.

96. It's here. There's a little button there.

97. - Go on. - 145 quid.

98. I like the sunroof. Kids would like that, they'd love that.

99. Oh, listen, you can hear the turbo.

100. Yeah, you can hear the turbo.

101. Oh, I love hearing a turbo.

102. Finally, the Ford S-Max.

103. Sounds good. It does sound good.

104. Give it a bootful.

105. You haven't got that mad torque steer.

106. It's still got turbo on it, but it hasn't got that... whoo.

107. Why it's a good compromise? You can feel the bumps but...

108. You could say it was informative but not uncomfortable.

109. Absolutely. If you were a bit of an idiot, you could say that.

110. The S-Max just handled its power much better than the VXR.

111. With the VXR, it's very...

112. It's a lot of fun, it's the fastest, it's got turbo,

113. the childish stuff is great but, day to day, it's going to drive you round the twist.

114. Whatever the differences, the amazing thing was,

115. we'd spent a day driving people carriers and we hadn't lost the will to live.

116. Hey!

117. Now...

118. So we've established in the film, then, that they are fun to drive?

119. Yeah. All these three, yeah.

120. And that the Mercedes is the fastest round a track.

121. It is.

122. But it's £31,000.00.

123. Which is very expensive.

124. And you only get five seats in there.

125. Even if you've got two kids, they'll want to bring friends. You need seven seats.

126. Exactly. We can get rid of that. Don't buy that. Ford or Vauxhall, okay?

127. I've always quite liked the Zafira,

128. because it's got this brilliant seat arrangement in the back, okay?

129. You don't have to lift the seats in and out.

130. They just fold in the floor and then you just sort of...

131. You just lift it out. You lift it out, you fool!

132. Yeah, that's truck.

133. Has anybody got a Zafira?

134. You move the back seats forward.

135. What? You move the back seats forward.

136. We knew that!

137. Move the back seats forward.

138. - But... Where's the lever?

139. That doesn't help.

140. Excuse me, where's the lever?

141. Behind the seat! That one?

142. Yeah, we knew that.

143. We're really good on this show at controlling power slides, but not this.

144. And then you can just lift these seats.

145. This is bad! This is embarrassing!

146. You've got a shopping bag, child seat, Brute force... That's always the answer.

147. I might have broken that!

148. Hang on. Sorry, you said, you've got a Zafira?

149. Could you just come and give us a hand? I've broken it.

150. No, no, no. It's this. Look.

151. Yeah, you have broken that.

152. That should lock under there.

153. Have you worked in a Vauxhall dealership?

154. There you go! - Thank you!

155. That's, um, quite embarrassing.

156. I feel a bit silly, mate.

157. Yeah. I'm going to just...

158. Ah, there you go! That's it, yeah.

159. That's up.

160. The thing is, once you've done that,

161. look, you've got to get in there.

162. Which is... Even I couldn't get in there!

163. - Impossible and the boot's far too small. - There isn't any boot.

164. But you don't get any of those problems with the Ford.

165. 'Cause I have had a go with this one.

166. Similar system, but better.

167. Open the boot, you just lift the seat squabs, one, two...

168. Like that, up with the back, down, and there you go... Seven seats, all in place.

169. And... and what's more, look.

170. Come back with your heavy shopping, just one lever slides that forwards

171. and then you can get in.

172. Not only that, you've got a proper boot space.

173. Actually, you've got two.

174. There's a bit under there and the actual boot.

175. You could get Top Gear... In fact, I'll get her. Here she is, thank you.

176. Come on, Top Gear Dog!

177. Top Gear Dog going in the boot?

178. She won't go in the back, come on...

179. Top Gear Dog has a use!

180. There, see she can go in there quite happily.

181. No dogs were harmed in the making of this programme.

182. - Put you head up. Put you head up. There! - There!

183. It's easy. You see, it works.

184. And you can't do that in the Zafira.

185. I have to say, this is one hell of a good car.

186. Oh, yeah. We've got a conclusion.

187. Basically, the Ford is the most practical, we've shown that.

188. It's not the fastest around the track, but in the real world,

189. it's the best one to drive, it's the best-looking,

190. and if you get the basic one, it's the cheapest.

191. So, there we are. So, now, let's do the news.

192. Yes and we begin with good news, which is that MG is back... Sort of.

193. What's actually happened is

194. that the Chinese company that has bought the rights to the MG Rover name

195. has said that it will reopen the Longbridge factory,

196. and that next year, it will start making the MG TF again.

197. Well, hold on a minute. Aren't they going to make it in China,

198. then take it to pieces, then ship it over here,

199. and then assemble it in Birmingham, so they can say it's British?

200. - Isn't that the idea? - Yes, that's as we understand it.

201. But if you think about this, the Chinese, they say they're going to be investing

202. - £10 million in Longbridge, yeah? Yeah.

203. Well, that's a lot of money... If you're going to spend it on sweets.

204. But I've done some research on this.

205. Seriously. Mercedes spent £10 million on research alone every single day.

206. So where's that going to go?

207. And they end up with cars that you might want to buy.

208. I can't think of anyone I've ever met who thinks,

209. "Yes, my life would be complete

210. "if I could buy an 11-year-old sports car that's made in China

211. "and then nailed together by a bunch of blokes in Birmingham."

212. The thing that you are forgetting is the great affection

213. that is felt all over the world for the traditional British sports car.

214. Hey, I've got big motoring news this week of my own.

215. Bought a new family car. Very excited.

216. I bought a second-hand Land Rover Defender. Big station wagon thing.

217. It's a special edition. It's bright yellow. They don't make it any more.

218. And because they don't make it any more they gave us a pot of yellow paint to go with it,

219. to touch out any scratches new car!

220. First day in it, family piled in. Dove right... family in.

221. A new adventure in a new car.

222. Two miles down the road,

223. "Let's go for our first fill-up in a petrol station in our new car."

224. Went to turn left. I looked across and saw my wife holding the pot of paint,

225. that must have pressurised in the heat or something

226. because everything apart from her eyes, everything was yellow.

227. The carpet, the ceiling, all dripping off... The windscreen all yellow.

228. It looked like a teenager's mirror. It was just ruined!

229. It was just drip, drip...

230. I had a family outing this week in my Ford GT.

231. Took my son to the Fairford Airshow, Gloucestershire.

232. And?

233. It's still there.

234. Rev Limiter decided that it didn't want to let the engine to rev beyond 600 rpm,

235. which isn't much.

236. Not enough to actually make progress.

237. Oh, now, there are some new cars that have been coming out in recent weeks.

238. There's this new Honda Civic Type R, got a photograph there.

239. If you look at that, you know that's going to be a great car to drive.

240. You just know by looking at it, okay.

241. There's a new Land Rover Freelander.

242. Again, look at that, you know it's all gonna be fine.

243. New Chrysler. It's called the Sebring.

244. You look at that and you know it'll be rubbish!

245. It will be, won't it?

246. You know they're in trouble... I was reading the details.

247. They sent us a one-page thing on that car.

248. One page to get all the things about that car!

249. Halfway down, they're talking about

250. how the cup holders will chill your drink as you're driving along.

251. You know you're in trouble when they're talking about that.

252. That is desperation, isn't it?

253. Oh, quickly, I must tell you about the Top Gear survey.

254. This is very important. This is where you tell us about cars.

255. Now, we can go out and drive around

256. and tell you how fast they are, how big the boot is,

257. but not what they're like to live with from day to day,

258. so if your car is an 03, a 53, an 04 or a 54 plate,

259. then we want to hear from you, whatever it is.

260. Any experiences you've had with your car or the dealership.

261. Maybe he has the manners of a baboon.

262. Write to us. We want to know about it.

263. And you can go to the website bbc.co. ukford/topgear... What?

264. - It's very good. You remembered it. - That's it!

265. Now. talking of getting in touch,

266. we had a number of people after last week's show got in touch to complain.

267. They did.

268. I said something about a Muslim, okay? Two complaints.

269. Remember Jesus came last week? I talked to him? Three complaints.

270. We were slightly rude about caravans.

271. Yeah, we sort of set one on fire a bit.

272. 150 complaints!

273. Seriously, 150... Lots of people are now demanding an apology.

274. They are. So... we really are sorry

275. and we promise that we will, all three of us,

276. never, ever go caravanning again.

277. No, no, no. No. I'm sorry we didn't burn more caravans.

278. You're right, so am I! Yeah, that's true.

279. Right, now, I want to talk about the Porsche 911.

280. Okay, now this is designed to be as fast as the laws of physics allow.

281. And that's great.

282. But it's rather a serious car. It doesn't have much of a sense of humour.

283. And it's the same story with the Ferrari 430.

284. You really don't want to sit next to someone at dinner who's got one

285. in case he starts telling you about his five-way traction control.

286. There is, however, one super car maker that's a little bit different.

287. Lamborghinis are for people who want to move about in a big pantomime,

288. a massive West End musical full of colour and noise,

289. and to hell with how fast you can go round a corner.

290. Unfortunately, the Gallardo, the baby Lambo, never really cut the mustard.

291. As you'd expect, it isn't quite as nice to drive as a Ferrari 430.

292. The steering isn't quite as delicate, there's less immediacy from the engine,

293. and there's not quite as much poise.

294. Sure, it has a flappy paddle gearbox and they dressed up the power a bit,

295. but it still isn't a proper driver's car.

296. Now, that would be fine if it was flamboyant and mad but it isn't.

297. It feels sort of like a big Audi TT.

298. Now, though, they've launched a £131,000 convertible version,

299. and I'm delighted to say... The lunacy's back.

300. There are faults.

301. The steering wheel, for instance, is covered in a bathmat,

302. and if you push the seats all the way back, as I have to,

303. it squeaks against the firewall. Can you hear that?

304. It does that the whole time you're driving along.

305. And you can never find the seatbelt. And I don't care.

306. Sure, you're going to get people coming up to you, saying,

307. "Oh, you could have gone round that corner 0.003 of a second faster if you'd had a Ferrari.

308. "Ooh, you know that's 100 kg heavier than the coupe, don't you?"

309. And it doesn't matter,

310. because I've got 93 million miles of headroom

311. and I've got orange seats and listen to this...

312. Oh! Ho-ho-ho!

313. That's the sound of a 5-litre V10 engine.

314. It's the noise of 512 rampaging Italian horsepowers.

315. It's like listening to the Cirque du Soleil

316. being chopped up by their own chainsaws.

317. One of the things I love most about this car, though,

318. is that they've painted it grey and fitted active exhausts,

319. which are supposed to be quiet at low speeds.

320. But they're not fooling anyone.

321. You can try to drive it quietly if you want to, but it's impossible,

322. because if you accidentally stray over 3,500 rpm,

323. you just get this sort of bark, like that.

324. - Hear that? Quiet.

325. - Bark! Argh!

326. Driving through my local town the other day,

327. and I nearly gave some old woman on the pavement a heart attack.

328. "Oops, sorry, love. Sorry."

329. There are two ways of removing a dodgy tooth, you know,

330. there's the Ferrari way, which is an exquisite high-speed drill,

331. and there's the Lambo way, which is big hammer. Yes!

332. This is being alive now. Who cares about five-way traction control?

333. I don't want that!

334. I want more of this!

335. I'm in love!

336. It isn't all clown shoes and spinning bow ties, though.

337. It has four-wheel drive, so there's lots of grip.

338. It'll go from 0 to 60 in 4.7 seconds.

339. And flat out, it'll be doing 195.

340. That is pretty serious.

341. Better still, it has a proper gearbox.

342. The flappy paddle nonsense is a £5,000 optional extra.

343. What's more, Lambo is owned these days by Audi,

344. so you even get some German common sense.

345. The nose, for instance, can be raised up when you get to a speed bump.

346. And there's more.

347. Inside, a lot of the equipment the Sat-nav, the air con, the dials,

348. all come from a A8, so they sort of work.

349. I remember the air conditioning in Lambos of old,

350. used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard

351. blowing at you through a straw.

352. That didn't work.

353. But my absolute favourite thing about this car is the way it looks.

354. Hood down or hood up, it is desperately pretty and it's tiny.

355. It's the same length as a Ford Focus,

356. which means it's easy to park and easy to drive in town.

357. What we have here, then, is not, by any means, the best driver's car in the world,

358. but you could use it every day if you wanted to,

359. and it has the most important characteristic that I look for in a car...

360. It's a laugh.

361. You drive a Ferrari with a rather serious expression on your face.

362. You drive one of these grinning like technically you may be an idiot.

363. Ahhh...

364. I think it's absolutely tremendous.

365. I know. It's no longer a Rod Stewart mobile.

366. No!

367. You, uh...

368. You liked it, then?

369. Oh, I adored it. It's the lunacy I love most of all.

370. Some cars have spoilers on the back that come up at a certain speed.

371. They've all got a button somewhere inside, so you can over-ride it.

372. Okay, so, you can put it up when you want it. This doesn't.

373. That spoiler comes up at 80, whether you like it or not.

374. So, it might as well hoist a flag on the back that says, "I'm speeding."

375. Exactly.

376. And now we've got to find out how fast this goes round our track.

377. That, of course, means handing it over to our tame racing driver.

378. Some say that on really warm days, he sheds his skin, like a snake,

379. and that, for some reason, he's allergic to the Dutch.

380. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

381. And he's off.

382. Little plumes of tyre smoke there but the four wheel drive soon got that reined in.

383. Here's the first corner...

384. Look how keenly it turns in.

385. And now he's back on the power.

386. Listen to that!

387. "Is it dangerous?"

388. Stig's still learning Greek, it seems!

389. And meeting us again through Chicago.

390. Kicking the back out to give him the perfect line down to Hammerhead.

391. That's where he is now. at understeer?

392. Not a bit of it! Loads of grip and that V10 thunder.

393. What a lovely drift on the way out!

394. "I've lost my purse."

395. Follow through now...

396. Oh, he's having to give it a flick of opposite lock now!

397. Hammer down hard.

398. That's very quick. Through the tyres. Two corners left.

399. Oh, he goes into that one. He's very committed through there.

400. Hard on the brakes. Shoving it into Gambon.

401. And across the line!

402. Yes!

403. Now...

404. It did it in 1 minute 25.7 seconds...

405. So it's not what you'd call the fastest super car in the world,

406. but I have to say it is my new favourite.

407. And now it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

408. Now, my guest tonight once went round the world in 80 days.

409. I hope he's faster than that on our track!

410. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Steve Coogan!

411. Ah, now, since you were last here, you've become the big Hollywood star.

412. Not really, no.

413. Well, yes!

414. I've tried.

415. You have appeared in a number of Hollywood films.

416. Yeah.

417. Cleese knew this'd happen. Didn't he?

418. What did John Cleese once say to you?

419. Oh, yeah. I did a film with, um, John Cleese and Terry Jones...

420. It was called Wind In The Willows.

421. At the time, I had a red Ferrari.

422. The Magnum, P.I. style.

423. Um... hence the shirt!

424. And John Cleese saw me driving off in it,

425. and he said to the producer, he went, "Who was driving that Ferrari?"

426. He went, "That's Steve Coogan."

427. "He's a very, very talented young man, isn't he?"

428. And he went, "Yeah, he is."

429. "I do hope he gets cancer."

430. I'm quite envious of how your life's turned out, to be brutally honest.

431. 'Cause everything you ever do seems to turn to gold.

432. Um, I've had a few misses... But, um, yeah...

433. - You always have a nice time while having the misses. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

434. I mean, when I did Around The World In 80 Days,

435. there was a scene in the film where I was in a Jacuzzi.

436. And I sat between Jackie Chan and Arnold Schwarzenegger,

437. in a Chan-Schwarzenegger sandwich.

438. And I didn't know what to... Uh, it was my small talk.

439. I said, "Are you still driving your Hummer, Arnold?"

440. "Yes, I have five!"

441. He said, "Yes, one is military, ex-military, stripped out.

442. "I like to drive it round LA, with my cigar."

443. How does the conversation go, to end up in a hot tub with you?

444. "Get in the hot tub with me, Steve."

445. Yes.

446. It was something like that.

447. Something like that? - Yeah.

448. Huh, you're easily pleased, aren't you?

449. Anyway, Saxondale's your new series.

450. This is a character who is...

451. He's a 50-year-old ex-roadie turned-pest-controller.

452. There's a lot of them around.

453. The thing is, I was watching the second episode,

454. when your man Saxondale goes to see a motoring journalist...

455. who's got this TV show about cars.

456. Hmm.

457. Shall we have a look at a little clip of that?

458. Let's have a look at this, okay.

459. Hi. Pest control for the mice?

460. The very same.

461. Eccellente. Shimmy on in, then, gents.

462. Can I just halt proceedings to doff the proverbial to the guv'nor,

463. re. the wheels?

464. R, E, S, P, E, C, T.

465. - Yeah, respect. - Right. Yeah.

466. Are you an aficionado?

467. Got a Mustang in the drive.

468. Oh, Shelby?

469. I wish! No, Boss 351.

470. '72. Tweaked.

471. Flooring the gas on a tweaked 351, you'll still put your bowels in your back pocket.

472. Tell me about it!

473. Shall we hunt some rodent, then, gents?

474. There he goes!

475. So, um...

476. Well... Who's that, then?

477. Well, he's called Jerome Wilson.

478. So... so... Someone pointed out to me afterwards

479. that it reminded him a bit of you, which is pure coincidence.

480. I'm very flattered and honoured.

481. I was going to ask you to do it.

482. I was going to ask you to be in it as yourself.

483. But then I thought I couldn't quite stick the knife in if it was you.

484. It's gone in nice and deep there,

485. because it does end up with, "Bit of a dick, isn't he?"

486. It's how that series ends.

487. You can only satirise something if you truly love it though, Jeremy.

488. Well, no. 'Cause my wife sat watching it,

489. and when it got to the bit where I'm a bit of a dick, she was going, "Yeah. Yeah."

490. One of the things I love about the way you write stuff,

491. is how much attention to detail you always put into it.

492. And particularly the cars.

493. 'Cause Gareth Cheeseman had the Probe,

494. Partridge had the... Well, the Rover and then the Lexus,

495. both, you know, spot on for him.

496. And now Saxondale has got the Mustang.

497. I mean, that's just a brilliant piece of casting.

498. Well, I was very specific about it.

499. This is where we get really kind of, anal about cars,

500. but I didn't want, sort of, the GT Fastback Mustang from Bullitt...

501. No, that Steve McQueen drove. That's too cool.

502. The 390. - That's right.

503. See, good. Well done.

504. So, um... I wanted the Boss 351, uh...

505. That's the Bond one from...

506. It's the one from Diamonds Are Forever,

507. that goes sideways on its side wheels through that alleyway.

508. But... There's a continuity error in it.

509. Well, there is and there isn't.

510. - I know about this. - Go on, then.

511. Okay, when they did the James Bond film Diamonds Are Forever,

512. there is one of the most famous mistakes on film.

513. The car goes through on its wheels that way, like that.

514. And then, when it comes out of the alley, it's the other way round.

515. - Yeah. - So what they do is,

516. they put in a shot in the middle with him driving along.

517. Suddenly the car goes... You see them in the car, going...

518. And it goes

519. As if somehow...

520. If it could do that, it could drive through the gap normally!

521. That was my favourite bit.

522. You can see them in the edit going, "Oh, dear."

523. - "Oh, no!" - "Oh, no!"

524. I thought they might do this...

525. This is really... I thought they might flip the image.

526. But when he drives out, there's lots of signs, uh, it's Las Vegas

527. and there's casino here and all the signs would be backwards, so...

528. Can I give you a really anal one on that? You'll like this.

529. You know, in car adverts that are run all round the world,

530. there's one of the number plates is YHY 101.

531. It's so that when they flip it to make it left or right hand drive,

532. the number plate still makes sense.

533. I like that fact.

534. I might use that a dinner party when there's an awkward pause.

535. Yes, I do...

536. And then the pause is even longer!

537. Now the lap.

538. Oh, God...

539. What's really funny, okay, is Rob Brydon, who's your protege, really...

540. I know.

541. He has the most wretched car history of anyone who's ever been on the show.

542. His highlight was his Cavalier, and he liked it!

543. And he was faster than you.

544. I know, do you know, that's probably the most...

545. That was the worst moment in my life, actually.

546. When I heard... My builder who came round to my house, told me,

547. "Your mate, Rob Brydon, he wiped the floor with you."

548. "What do you mean?"

549. - "He was faster." - "No. No. No."

550. Then I rang him, and said "Was Rob Brydon faster than me?"

551. And he never lets me forget that.

552. When I see him, he goes, um,

553. "I don't know if you remember, Steve,

554. "I was actually slightly faster than you."

555. So, um, lap.

556. How did it go on today?

557. The new, reasonably priced car?

558. I, er, I suppose... Someone said to me, actually the Stig said to me,

559. that people who are sportsmen

560. and people who are, if you're like, technical people,

561. tend to do better because they listen more.

562. And I don't think, I'm sort of...

563. I'm more a sort of, "Let me just go."

564. So I'm probably not the most disciplined...

565. Well, there was certainly evidence of that on one of your practice laps.

566. Who'd like to see that?

567. Yes!

568. Let's run the tape then.

569. Here we go. Just a little bit of practice here.

570. It's bounced. Oh, now you see, you've got your tail out,

571. nearly held it and then, oh dear!

572. Soft suspension.

573. Very good!

574. It was quite enjoyable, actually.

575. Well, shall we see your lap?

576. - Yeah, go on. - Would you like to see that?

577. Yeah! - Here we go. Play the tape.

578. And we're off.

579. Please let me be better than Rob Brydon. Please!

580. You cut that corner but that skidded, so it doesn't matter,

581. that's what it does if you cut the corner.

582. Oh, that's nice and tight through there. I like that.

583. A bit close there.

584. Suddenly Alan Partridge has taken over the wheel there.

585. And it wasn't really a comic creation, it was you.

586. Yeah, I know.

587. Go faster!

588. There's a lot of staring at the gear lever going on.

589. - Brian Cox was doing that... - It was annoying me.

590. last week staring at it in the hope that he could make... Ooh!

591. That was violent.

592. Now we're here at a bit of... Oh, two turn ins for that corner in a row.

593. That's nice and brave, across the grass, kept it on there nicely.

594. Gambon... Using that to keep the tail out.

595. And there we are across the line!

596. Where do you reckon, then?

597. I've maybe...

598. I'd like to think I'd be above Michael Gambon.

599. Now, can I just be honest with you? - Yeah, go on.

600. The Stig said he thinks that the heat might have done something to you...

601. Or the car or the track or something.

602. 'Cause he was very flattering about your driving.

603. He did, he said you were very good, competent, late braking, aggressive...

604. All of the right things.

605. But, not quick...

606. To be brutal... One minute...

607. 50.9 seconds.

608. So it's there. But give him a round of applause.

609. I'll tell you what I'll do.

610. The first one ever - hot.

611. That's not the lap. That's the temperature.

612. But do you want to know the really bad thing?

613. Perhaps, I shouldn't tell you this.

614. Rob Brydon...

615. In the old, less powerful car was quicker. - Quicker.

616. It's still slower than Rob?

617. Yeah. Would you like to stay the night here?

618. Turn your phone...

619. Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Coogan!

620. Now... Now...

621. In the olden days, if you wanted a great, small car,

622. you really couldn't do much better than buy a small Peugeot.

623. But in recent years, they seem to have lost the plot.

624. Yeah, Take the 206.

625. You'd only have bought one because it was made in Britain.

626. But now they've closed that factory in Coventry

627. and it's going to be made in Turkmenistan or somewhere.

628. Exactly, so now it's gonna be a bad car made badly.

629. But anyway, Peugeot have launched a new small car and I've been driving it.

630. Here it is. It's called the 207 and it's Peugeot's biggest small car yet.

631. As we can see, it's a very pretty car.

632. But is it any good?

633. Well, let's have a look on the inside.

634. It's got an iPod connector, satnav and radio and so on.

635. And it's all rather beautifully lit by

636. this Californian architect's glass sun roof thing.

637. However, it does still look a bit like

638. the inside of Jacques Cousteau's wetsuit.

639. It's also got this. A built-in air freshener.

640. It's something like, Wang Chung or jojoba oil.

641. So you get more space and more toys.

642. But you have to part with more money.

643. This one I'm in, for example, is the 1.6 diesel and it costs almost £15,000,

644. which is a lot of money for a small car...

645. Even if it is quite a big one.

646. To see if it's worth it, I'm going to test this ginormous city car

647. on the streets of Liverpool.

648. And to spur me on a bit, I'm going to have a race.

649. And it's against the latest French development in urban transport solutions.

650. A couple of young men in silly trousers.

651. Are you ready?

652. - Ready. - Yeah.

653. 3, 2, 1. Go!

654. I should probably explain that these are not just any young men.

655. They are masters of something called parkour.

656. It's a French invention and involves that sort of thing.

657. Running around the city, leaping across buildings and benches.

658. You know, keeps them off the street.

659. Our race will run from the edge of Liverpool

660. to the finish line at the Liver Building.

661. For me, it'll be about six miles.

662. Their journey, of course, is pretty much as the crow flies.

663. What am I doing? Ooh, 25 miles an hour.

664. They'll have difficulty matching that.

665. So anyway, the car... Well, it's got a nice driving position.

666. The steering's nice and weighty, the seat is excellent.

667. And there's quite a bit more room in here than in the old one.

668. But there is a problem. Something you really feel on the city streets.

669. Because the 207 is bigger and has more gizmos and more safety equipment,

670. it's almost 300 pounds heavier than the old car.

671. And yet it still has to haul itself around with the same engine as the 206.

672. The car I'm in has the 1.6 diesel, the best of the current range.

673. But it's still not great.

674. It's really sluggish and that's annoying.

675. Yes, right, we're off.

676. Not only were the Scouse spider-men unstoppable,

677. they also knew where they were going.

678. Which I didn't.

679. Excuse me, sir. Do you know where the Liver Building is?

680. Oh, no, the Li-ver Building.

681. Why isn't it called Li-verpool then?

682. Well... It...

683. There they are.

684. Look at that. They look like they've nicked something.

685. But I didn't catch them for long.

686. Oh, please!

687. Meanwhile, the air freshener device was getting up my nose.

688. That's great, you can buy a brand new car

689. and they immediately make it smell like a 25 year old minicab.

690. Come on! We're not all shopping!

691. I had just two miles to go in the sluggish Peugeot.

692. I'm not going to be beaten by some pre-pubescent teenagers

693. in camouflage trousers.

694. I must have averaged 10 or 12 miles an hour. I should win.

695. Go! Go! Go!

696. I was close, but so were they.

697. Come on!

698. That must be the Liver Building.

699. And they're not here. They are not here!

700. No sign of combat-trousers man.

701. That is a victory for beer guts over washboard stomachs,

702. fashionable clothes from army surplus shops, stupid expensive trainers.

703. Here I am in my tatty jeans and my old biffabout shoes

704. with the broken laces and I've won!

705. Oh, for Pete's sake!

706. Very good. Very good.

707. - So. - Yes.

708. You lost.

709. I did lose. But, to be honest I don't mind

710. because I think those blokes are amazing.

711. What about the car?

712. That's not so amazing to be honest.

713. It's too big, it's too heavy, it's too expensive.

714. And you know, all those blokes who were fired from the Coventry factory...

715. - Yes. - Well, you know, they wanted to do an ad campaign to say,

716. "Don't buy a Peugeot." Because they wanted to protest at how they had been treated.

717. - Yes. - Well, I can think of a better reason for not buying one.

718. - What? - It's rubbish.

719. Okay, now we're going to have a very special race

720. at the Knockhill circuit in Scotland.

721. Two teams, got the Stig on one

722. and then it's James, Richard and me on the other.

723. And the cars we are using are Caterham's which are kit cars.

724. Yeah, and what makes the race special

725. is that the winner isn't the first to finish,

726. it's the first to start.

727. Let me explain.

728. At precisely 9:00 a.m. the Stig will leave the Caterham factory here

729. and he will drive to Scotland.

730. Meanwhile we will start here at the track.

731. Okay, now, it sounds like we have a big advantage,

732. but before we can set off, we have to build our car from scratch.

733. So can we do that faster than the Stig can drive to Scotland?

734. There is also, actually, a serious point to this,

735. which is, how hard can it be to build a kit car?

736. Well, as it turns out, very. Because all you did all day was shout at Jeremy.

737. And all I wanted to do was stick a screwdriver in the side of his head.

738. You wouldn't look at the diagram. That was the problem.

739. No, you spent 8 hours filing everything away

740. and caressing every single bolt before putting it on the car.

741. The fact is you'd have put every piece on upside down...

742. - I wouldn't. - ... because you won't listen.

743. Stop arguing. Can we just look at the film.

744. Right. It's ten to nine.

745. We're in one of the pit garages at the Knockhill track

746. and here's our car!

747. While we're building our car, we have this satellite tracking system

748. which we can use to monitor the Stig's progress.

749. Right now, he's at the Caterham factory in Surrey.

750. We've got the engine, the gearbox, the drive shaft, the bodywork,

751. major suspension components, radiator, interior trim and wiring to do.

752. Of course, we are ideally suited for the job in hand.

753. I trained as a local newspaper reporter,

754. Hammond trained as a local radio DJ and May trained as a pianist.

755. He's off! He's moved!

756. The pianist had appointed himself as project leader.

757. And insisted we all read the instruction manual.

758. We've only got eight hours! I can't read that in eight hours!

759. Rubbish. Don't need that.

760. The Stig had 465 miles to cover

761. and was a man on a mission.

762. James, however, wasn't.

763. a spacer bush 3/8ths internal diameter,

764. half an inch outside diameter...

765. This...

766. from the rear mount using bolts three, inserted from the front of the mounting.

767. James, does it need a washer, yes or no?

768. You've got to be faster than you are being.

769. Speed is what matters today. Seriously.

770. - Guess and go fast. Shut up, Jeremy.

771. Luckily, we did have one advantage.

772. The Stig had refused to go round the M25

773. and was ploughing straight through the middle of London...

774. At rush hour.

775. Why is he doing that? It must be...

776. I am going as the crow flies, I am a Stig.

777. Straight line, I will not deviate.

778. While he's stopped, we work like mad men.

779. Now, that's what I'm talking about.

780. How to build a car.

781. It's broken.

782. Don't hit it with a hammer. - Why?

783. 'Cause it's a tool of a pikey.

784. So if you buy it in this state and build it yourself, it's 15,000, okay?

785. If you buy it ready-built, like the Stig's, it's £2,500 more.

786. Think of the fun of assembling.

787. It's not fun to do this.

788. Your wife leaves you, she's in bed with a milkman.

789. And you're, "Where's my front suspension unit?"

790. It took Stig 90 minutes to get across south London.

791. I think he's moved. I think he's crossing the River Thames.

792. And we had used the time well.

793. One and a half hours, the rear suspension is on,

794. rear brakes, drive shaft, everything done there.

795. Up front, this corner, a magnificent achievement, frankly.

796. Everything working... What are you doing?

797. We have to clamp the steering rack down.

798. Oh, I knew that.

799. James, can I start on the interior.

800. I think that's an excellent idea.

801. I'll get a hammer.

802. So while Richard and James busied themselves with the steering rack,

803. I tackled the seats.

804. They hadn't lined them up in the factory, but I have now, brilliantly.

805. The Stig was now on the M40 and had the hammer down.

806. I too had put my hammer down, and picked up a spanner.

807. Though something was bound to go wrong.

808. How did I do that?

809. You did it 'cause you just dumped it and didn't look.

810. And slid underneath.

811. - Have I got to take it out again? - You have to.

812. Let's think about it.

813. No matter, the Stig was still 400 miles away.

814. and coming to a halt again.

815. This time at the Oxford services.

816. He's at Oxford and we're putting the engine in.

817. It is engine time.

818. Victory is ours!

819. Meanwhile, down in Oxford,

820. the Stig was revealing something new about himself.

821. Ah!

822. He has a bladder.

823. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it's for.

824. Just get the gear box.

825. - Um... What?

826. Engine?

827. Engine! Car!

828. Hello, Stig, sir, would you like to join?

829. You've got to get this round...

830. Yeah, exactly...

831. No!

832. Where's the Stig?

833. Whose fault was that?

834. Oh, that's not going to help, is it?

835. How strong are brake discs? Pretty strong.

836. Quite strong.

837. Are they strong enough to withstand a car?

838. No.

839. You know when I was underneath, putting the seat,

840. and I specifically said, "Can it fall off its things?"

841. And you said, "No."

842. And what a shame it didn't.

843. Quickly! Quickly! I'm going to drop the car!

844. You're right.

845. There you go.

846. - Everybody's happy.

847. By now, the Stig was nearing Birmingham.

848. We'd lost time and our engine still wouldn't go in.

849. - You know what the problem is? - What?

850. Because the garage is built on the cock, and is all on a slope...

851. - Hmm. - We really need the car pointing that way.

852. James, we haven't got time, we have to move the engine out,

853. turn the whole car round, move the jacks.

854. Look, he's just about to get on to the M42. Seriously...

855. Annoyingly, the pianist was right.

856. James, tell me what to do and I'll push it down.

857. It's all right, we've got it.

858. Don't worry about the big heavy engine and the small guy holding it.

859. Be ready to stop as soon as I say.

860. James, look at the map behind you.

861. Yeah, I know, Jeremy.

862. Just... What are you suggesting?

863. - Should we just lie on the top? - Can we not bicker now?

864. Jiggle it.

865. I'm jiggling like a bugger.

866. Now you can go down.

867. Oh, Jeremy!

868. I didn't mean release it all together.

869. You just dropped it through the bloody car!

870. He is 299 miles away.

871. At Stig's speeds, that could be an hour.

872. Jeremy was sacked from engine management

873. and James and I did it ourselves.

874. - It's in! - Yes!

875. Start it up!

876. It's not that in.

877. - All the brakes have to be connected up. - Brakes.

878. - All the rest of the ancillaries. - Ancillaries.

879. - Battery. - Battery.

880. - Throttle linkage. - Throttle linkage.

881. - Clutch linkage. - Clutch.

882. - Gear linkage. - Gears.

883. There's quite a lot to do if we're honest.

884. During our engine fitting calamity,

885. the Stig had made up all the time he'd lost in London.

886. We were now on the back foot.

887. Hammer.

888. No! No!

889. I have to attach this before I can attach something else here?

890. That means I can then attach the...

891. - Roll bar? - No!

892. Oh, God...

893. Look at the picture.

894. It doesn't tell me anything! It does!

895. They may as well have photographed your arse.

896. The Stig had now covered 220 miles and was making good time.

897. The only blessing was his small fuel tank.

898. I think he's stopped for fuel.

899. Has the Stig ever stopped for fuel before?

900. How will he pay for it?

901. You got a Nectar card?

902. While the Stig was powering through the lake district,

903. Jeremy was attaching the steering wheel.

904. Broken.

905. And then he had his second go at fitting the seats.

906. Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, boring,

907. boring, dull, tedious, annoying, back ache, arm ache,

908. cramp, miserable, hate, James...

909. How far from Scotland is Carlisle?

910. It's finished!

911. No, it wasn't.

912. Jeremy, before you go any further, can I make a point?

913. You have to mount the harness first, before you put the seats in.

914. You're joking.

915. Every single thing I do is rubbish.

916. You don't think anything through.

917. You just get a hold of it, and think, "That goes through there."

918. But if you just thought about it...

919. This is the worst day of my life ever.

920. The Stig hit Scotland.

921. He was now just 100 miles away

922. and we still had to do the brakes, the bodywork and the electrics.

923. Thank God Richard and I had taken some shortcuts!

924. Jeremy, no...

925. I'm saving time by not putting washers and bolts on.

926. But, these are all really important stuff.

927. I know. I know.

928. James would flip if he knew.

929. Predictably, though, James was being too anal to notice.

930. That's all he's done, all morning, he files.

931. He takes stuff out and then puts it back and files it

932. where it's supposed to be.

933. James! - What?

934. Stop filing!

935. I'm looking for the sodding socket thing,

936. that you need to take that out.

937. - Do you know where it is? Do you know where it is? - No. No!

938. - Do you know what it looks like? Yes!

939. No, you don't.

940. With the Stig pitting for his final splash and dash,

941. we had to start bleeding the brakes,

942. which, it turns out, is a minefield of double entendres.

943. The nipple is off,

944. the tube is in the hole.

945. I will be needing some pump.

946. Where is he? Put those on the floor.

947. Why have you got that? - Oh he's...

948. He's making his way towards Glasgow.

949. You should feel it go stiff now.

950. Pump, man, pump!

951. Braking happening?

952. Oh, yeah, that's much better. Yeah, that's hard.

953. The Stig was now off the motorway and bearing down on us.

954. A light! It breathes! It lives!

955. Has he crossed the Forth yet?

956. He's just about to cross it

957. Yes. He's about to now. He's doing it.

958. That made him just 20 miles away.

959. We've got minutes. Come on!

960. Petrol.

961. Putting the gear knob on. It will be required.

962. Press the button.

963. It lives! It's dead...

964. If that goes on, will this car work?

965. - Fuel pump's working. - Yes.

966. - Well!

967. - Oh.

968. What was that? Why did it do that?

969. He's five miles away.

970. Right now, just leave it a minute.

971. Now.

972. Hey!

973. I'm just getting rid of tools.

974. Who's driving?

975. - Can you do it with three? - Yes.

976. - Do we go on one or three? - We go on not or one?

977. We go three, two, one, go, or three, two...

978. Three, two, one, go!

979. Three, two, one, go!

980. - What does that mean? - Paper wraps stone. You're driving.

981. Goodbye.

982. Immobilizing the fuel pump.

983. Yes.

984. - Come on! - Oh, God.

985. All we had to do to win was cross the start line.

986. Three, two, one... Go!

987. Yes!

988. - That's enough! - That is it. We won!

989. We had won, but how?

990. What had happened to the Stig?

991. He was right on top of us at one point.

992. Does this car belong to you, sir?

993. Can I ask where you are going to?

994. Can I ask where you've come from?

995. He was three miles away 10 minutes ago.

996. Is the car stolen, sir?

997. I would have thought, even with traffic or trouble getting in...

998. The Stig reserved the right to remain silent.

999. So...

1000. There you go.

1001. Proof that you can build an entire car in eight hours.

1002. Absolutely. And it is actually, a great thing to do.

1003. It's not like mending an old car, where it's all dirty.

1004. Everything is clean and new.

1005. And it all goes together perfectly.

1006. It's a great experience. It's wonderful.

1007. James, I would rather staple my ears to a horse.

1008. Honestly, apart from the fact that you chafe your knuckles every 15 minutes,

1009. there's the expense.

1010. Okay, it's two and half thousand pounds less to buy the car in bits.

1011. But then you've got to buy the tools, then you've got the divorce settlement.

1012. End up taking your kids to McDonalds every Saturday...

1013. And what do you end up with? Would anybody here drive a car that I built?

1014. No, exactly. Let's take this one as an example.

1015. This is the one we made, all right?

1016. They've put a little plaque on it I see, down here, down at Caterham.

1017. And this car built by Top Gear.

1018. Which has rendered it worthless.

1019. And on that bombshell, it's time to end.

1020. Thank you very much for watching. Good night.