Top Gear 8x6

1. Tonight, we drive a Formula One car indoors.

2. Hannibal Lecter is in our Reasonably Priced Car.

3. And we go on a caravan holiday.

4. It's not wide enough.

5. Hello. Now, this is a Ford Mondeo, but don't turn over,

6. because it's the three litre V6 version.

7. And more than that,

8. we think it's one of Britain's most underrated cars.

9. It may be a familiar shape,

10. but if you actually stop and look at it,

11. it's very well proportioned and rather handsome.

12. And, my God, it drives well.

13. Does a 151 miles an hour.

14. The steering's brilliant,

15. the ride's spot on, it's practical,

16. it's well equipped and it only costs £24,000.

17. And actually, if you haggle,

18. you'll get one for a lot less than that.

19. Every time I drive one of these things,

20. - I always get out thinking,

21. "Why do we buy anything else?"

22. Of course, you might think it's a bit common,

23. but I'll let you into a little secret.

24. Last year, the BMW 3 series outsold the Ford Mondeo,

25. so that makes this more exclusive.

26. Actually, this particular model, the ST220,

27. is one of the most exclusive cars in the world.

28. This chart shows that in 2005, in Britain,

29. Aston Martin sold 1,050 DB9s.

30. So, how many Mondeo ST220s do you suppose Ford shifted?

31. No, you're wrong. 903.

32. That means that this is a rarer car than that.

33. If it's exclusivity you want, though,

34. then you also have to consider this.

35. If it said,

36. "Ferrari Snort Thruster X1" on the back,

37. it would sell by the million.

38. But it doesn't.

39. What it actually says is Mazda 6.

40. And that means this is likely to be

41. the slowest-selling consumer good

42. since Philips launched the laser disc.

43. It's called the MPS

44. and what it's got is a 2.3 litre turbo charged engine,

45. that develops a whopping 256 brake horsepower.

46. Quick car.

47. That means this sensible four-door saloon car

48. will get from 0-60 in six and a half seconds.

49. It isn't as practical as the Ford,

50. and with that low-rent radiator grille,

51. it's not as good looking either,

52. but to drive, it's even better.

53. Oh, yes.

54. Right, let's stick it into the hammerhead, see what's what.

55. Away we go...

56. Back coming round nicely.

57. Little bit of power.

58. That's very good.

59. And you don't have to worry about all the oomph making the chassis go

60. and fall to pieces

61. because it's got four wheel drive.

62. I have driven £100,000 coupes

63. that are less fun than this.

64. Handily, I have another chart

65. here under the Top Gear gazebo,

66. where I can actually quantify this amazingness.

67. What we've got here is the Mazda

68. and a BMW 318 M Sport.

69. Now, they both four-door saloons,

70. they about the same size

71. and they critically costs around £23,000,

72. but look at the figures.

73. Brake horsepower for the BMW, 129.

74. For the Mazda, 256.

75. Top speed for the BM, 130.

76. For the Mazda, 150.

77. In every way, the Mazda is better.

78. And look at this, 0-60, 10 seconds for the BMW,

79. 6.5 for the Mazda.

80. Why would anyone buy the BMW?

81. So, maybe at this point, you're quite tempted

82. by the value you get from a car with a rubbish badge.

83. Maybe you're wondering which of these two is best.

84. Well, hold on,

85. because there's a third way.

86. Yes, it's the Vauxhall Vectra,

87. one of my least favourite cars in the world.

88. I've always hated it because I've always felt

89. it was designed on a coffee break

90. by people who couldn't care less about cars.

91. What I could do with at this point is

92. some kind of chart, perhaps, to explain how far I'd go

93. to not have a Vauxhall Vectra in my life.

94. Oh, look, much like... Much like this one.

95. Uh, that's the Top Gear test track,

96. and I'd go to San Francisco

97. to avoid, let's say something like dinner with Bill Oddie.

98. But to, uh, avoid the Vectra,

99. I'd go quite a lot further.

100. Um, I'd certainly come over here.

101. And I'd go over these, uh,

102. oh, hang on... over these logs.

103. Yeah, I'd do that.

104. Um, and then down here.

105. Past the moons of Jupiter. Can you see those?

106. I'd go that far.

107. Right to the edge of the solar system.

108. This is how far I would go

109. to not drive a Vectra.

110. This one, though, has huge exhaust sticking out of the back,

111. massive tyres and outrageous bucket seats.

112. So maybe it's a little bit different.

113. Well, it doesn't feel particularly exciting,

114. I have to say, it doesn't have the poise or the delicacy of the Ford,

115. or the joie de vivre of the Mazda.

116. But it does have a party piece.

117. The Mazda and the Ford are pretty quick,

118. but watch this.

119. The Vectra is phenomenally fast.

120. Flat out, this is quicker than an AMG Mercedes,

121. it's quicker than a BMW M5.

122. And it only costs £21,000.

123. A 161-mile-an-shour Vectra,

124. that's like watching someone from Weight Watchers do the four-minute mile.

125. In fact, I'm just thinking

126. how many four-door saloon cars are actually faster than this?

127. There's a couple of Bentleys,

128. there's the Maserati Quattroporte and the Maybach.

129. And that's it.

130. So there we are, the fifth fastest saloon car that money can buy

131. is a Vauxhall Vectra.

132. But that is not the end of the story,

133. because there's a price to pay for all the speed.

134. Catastrophic understeer.

135. Oh, that's a lock, that's bad.

136. That's not good.

137. Look at that. Now, straight on.

138. So that's useless, then. I'll just drive it like this.

139. That's appalling!

140. This has to be one of the worst chassis I've ever, ever come across.

141. There's only one word to describe this car,

142. it begins in S, ends in T and it isn't soot.

143. So, it's fairly terrible, then?

144. No, no, no. Losing your leg is fairly terrible.

145. - This, honestly, I'm tempted to even call it dangerous.

146. Al right, if you're driving around on a track

147. with the traction control off, going "power!", then maybe.

148. But what if, I don't know, what if you wanted to drive around normally?

149. Well, then it would just be a Vectra

150. and that would be even worse.

151. - Good point. - No honestly, what we gotta do now,

152. is put this round our track, see how fast it is,

153. of course, that means, handing it over to our tame racing driver.

154. Now, some say he invented Branston pickle.

155. And that if you insult his mother,

156. he will headbutt you in the chest.

157. All we know is he's called The Stig.

158. Away he goes, traction control off, of course

159. and that means acres of wheel spin,

160. but it's the corners where this thing gets really hairy.

161. First one now, loads of tyre squeal,

162. you see, look, it's dragging wide,

163. almost onto the grass there.

164. How much is the cheese?

165. Ah, now, The Stig's learning Greek this week.

166. Here he is. Look at the understeer, constantly slewing off line...

167. He's off the track!

168. That's a new one there.

169. Okay, into Hammerhead,

170. this is the real understeer test.

171. Surely the VXR will be dreadful.

172. Yes, look, I mean, this is The Stig,

173. even he is struggling to stop it ploughing off-line.

174. Tyres smoking with pain, just missed that.

175. Can I hire a car?

176. If you hired one of these,

177. I recommend you take it back and get a Hyundai.

178. That's through Follow-through, chance to use the Vectra's power now

179. to claw back some time.

180. Looking pretty brisk through the tyres,

181. two corners left, still wrestling every inch the way,

182. there's only so much even The Stig can do.

183. Look at this. Here he is, into Gambon, smoking off the tyres!

184. And across the line.

185. There, you see.

186. All that power and that phenomenal top speed

187. and it did it in one minute 35.3.

188. - So it's...

189. That's officially rubbish.

190. And earlier on today, we sent The Stig out in the other two cars. Okay?

191. Now, the Mondeo, which is there,

192. was nearly a second faster

193. and the Mazda was three seconds faster.

194. There you go, buy the Mazda.

195. Hmm, not so sure.

196. Think I'd still have the Ford, to be honest.

197. I mean, I like the Mazda very much,

198. but I don't know

199. that I could live with that radiator grille.

200. You're gonna say, you're not gonna have the best car here

201. because of the radiator grille?

202. No, it's like you know, you meet the best girl you've ever met,

203. she's charming, she's witty, she's funny, she's clever, she's pretty,

204. but she's got a beard.

205. That's what. I thought, you were gonna say

206. "But she's got a really unattractive radiator grille."

207. Well, no, that would have been ridiculous.

208. So, I am gonna say, let's do the news.

209. Yes, the news. And I am very excited about this.

210. It's the Dodge Challenger.

211. Now, this started life as a concept car,

212. but they've announced this week that they are going to be making it.

213. Probably only in America and not until 2008,

214. don't know the prices yet, but it will have a 6.1 litre Hemi V8.

215. And it'll be rubbish.

216. How can you possibly know?

217. You haven't driven it. They haven't built it yet.

218. Because it's American.

219. All American cars are rubbish.

220. I was over there the other day,

221. and I drove that Chrysler 300C SRT8.

222. - Have we got a picture... That thing. - Yes.

223. - Appalling in every way. Why?

224. - Well because, It's a 300C, which we hate, yeah. - Not very good, granted.

225. And then they have gone and put a Saturn V rocket in it without doing anything

226. to the brakes or the suspension or anything.

227. It's dreadful.

228. No, you see, what you're doing there is talking rubbish.

229. It's got the same Hemi V8 in it, it's a muscle car.

230. Come on, you love... It's a proper American muscle car.

231. - This Dodge, have a look at the Dodge. - It's manure.

232. - It's not. - It is.

233. - Have you driven it? - I want to see my Challenger again.

234. There, look, it's got a massive engine, it'll make the right noise...

235. That, that is a muscle car.

236. It's a BMW M6, they've just lopped the roof off it, okay?

237. 500 brake horsepower.

238. It is not as simple as that.

239. Actually that's too complicated, that thing.

240. It's a computer, it's got seven gearboxes.

241. Listen, listen, that thing, okay,

242. is like that ape that came to Wimbledon.

243. What are you talking about?

244. That is big ape in the Final?

245. Nadal.

246. Loping around...

247. He was loping around the court

248. like something out of a PG Tips advert.

249. Now that is Federer, okay?

250. And Federer kicked the ape's arse.

251. Yes, but hang on, you fool.

252. We're talking about muscle cars, that is not a...

253. - It's a great car, it's agile... - What about that...

254. Look at that, it's a new Jag. Tim Henman.

255. No, that doesn't work. That's not working. No.

256. That doesn't work at all.

257. - That's the new supercharged Jag, okay? - Yes.

258. XKR, well, it's 69,000 quid, 420 brake horsepower.

259. - It would eat this. - No, look, no...

260. - You do not give muscle cars... - And it's those wheels...

261. Stop, stop, stop.

262. Stop.

263. - We've stopped.

264. You're both wrong.

265. What you actually want, I'm afraid, is this.

266. - This is the revised...

267. If I may.

268. That's the revised Daihatsu Copen

269. and in your tennising analogy, you made, that,

270. that is the ball.

271. That is 660 cc's of flexing, micro Japanese sinew.

272. I'd rather ride around on a lawnmower than in that thing.

273. I think for... For one thing, for you,

274. you would look such a spanner in that.

275. No, I wouldn't.

276. You would. Because you'd be sticking up above it

277. with your big floppy hair like a spaniel.

278. Never ever, ever, ever, ever drive a car

279. that you are taller than, when you're sitting in it,

280. than it is long. You'll look like Noddy with bad hair.

281. - You will look like a clown. - Okay, remind me.

282. Who were the last four teams in the World Cup?

283. All European.

284. Women's finalists at Wimbledon?

285. Both European.

286. Men's finalists, both European.

287. Everything any one ever does

288. in any walk of life is better done by Europeans,

289. and it's the same with cars.

290. Granted. Apart from with American muscle cars which only the Americans...

291. Why would you want an American muscle car?

292. They're exciting! - It's rubbish!

293. - It's a tractor! - Why are we doing this... Right.

294. I am gonna buy that Dodge Challenger when it comes out.

295. - I am gonna but that Jag. - And then... We'll have...

296. We won't have any money. That's what we... That's the drawback to my plan.

297. Don't know quite what that would have proved actually...

298. It'll prove when I turn up in my Copen that I've got it right.

299. You'll like an idiot.

300. Who here would like a Daihatsu Co... Jesus is here.

301. Jesus, come and have a look at this and tell us, Jesus!

302. Jesus might like a Copen. Jesus in combat trousers!

303. They're combat shorts. And the sandals.

304. It's gay!

305. It's a bit ginger beer.

306. Jesus, what's that?

307. - It's all right. - What do you mean it's all right...

308. I mean, Jesus.

309. Jesus, can we just get the steer on the Dodge Challenger?

310. Where do you stand on that?

311. - I like both cars... He doesn't know what he's talking about.

312. You like what? - ... both cars.

313. Well he is from Nazareth, I mean...

314. This is supercharged.

315. Your dad gave the world supercharging.

316. Now, look at this. There's a study out here.

317. It says people with those speed camera detectors

318. are 600% less likely

319. to get a speeding ticket than the rest of us.

320. In other news, it's been revealed

321. that people with metal detectors

322. are 600% less likely to tread on landmines than the rest of us.

323. That is stating the obvious, isn't it?

324. No, I mean, I don't get this.

325. I mean, how can you ever get caught if you have a speed detector?

326. I've got one in our XC90.

327. When it beeps, I don't think, "Oh, is my microwave meal ready somewhere"?

328. If there's a beep, there's a camera.

329. - It's simple. - No, no. The reason is,

330. I've worked it out, is they don't know the location of those

331. mobile ones that they put in vans or on sticks.

332. You know, that they hide.

333. - Oh yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

334. But then there's a way round that.

335. 'Cause you should always, you know, flash and do the thumbs down.

336. Ah, well, you say that.

337. - But did you read about that, it was a lorry driver? - It was, yes.

338. He was flashing people coming the other way

339. 'cause there was a speed camera,

340. and they tried to prosecute him for doing that

341. for warning people about an upcoming speed... That's miserable.

342. That's just being prosecuted for being kind.

343. For being a human being.

344. But I really like that sense of camaraderie

345. you get on the road, and people you don't know

346. share that stuff about speed cameras with you.

347. I was driving along a bit back, and there was one hidden in the...

348. You know, farmers' turning around place which I couldn't see.

349. There was a bloke on a bike coming the other way

350. and he was so determined that I wouldn't get caught for speeding,

351. that he actually came onto my side of the road

352. and rode towards me going like that on his helmet.

353. Was he determined? Or you know you can be a bit...

354. - Dopey?

355. Had he tried like everything else?

356. - I have to admit I had no idea what he was on about. - Exactly.

357. Did you get a ticket?

358. Yeah, It didn't really occur to me until the bloke was writing the ticket.

359. I thought, oh...

360. Yeah. Jeremy? Didn't you recently call bus drivers Nazis?

361. No.

362. No, you did. You did. You recent...

363. - I didn't. I didn't. - You did!

364. I said that they were little Hitlers and murderers.

365. Either way, the fact is, they're quite cross.

366. And more specifically their union leader is

367. furious with you personally.

368. And he's gone on record as saying that you

369. should spend a week working as a bus driver,

370. under their working conditions for their pay.

371. - Yeah? Well, think about it.

372. What's he done there?

373. What he's saying is that bus drivers working conditions

374. and pay are dreadful.

375. - And he's their union leader? - Well, who's responsible for that?

376. - Him! - Yeah.

377. Basically, he ran to one end of the pitch,

378. kicked it into the back of the net and went,

379. "Yeah, I recognise that goal, it's mine.

380. - "Oh my God, it's mine!"

381. - What an idiot. - He is.

382. - But you've driven a bus, haven't you? - Yes. Lots of bus driving.

383. How hard is it?

384. Easiest thing I've ever done.

385. - Really? - Seriously?

386. - Yeah. - It's as easy as sitting here?

387. Yeah. It's easier, actually. 'Cause you're not being filmed.

388. So you can have a joint... No, sorry.

389. Right. Is, um...

390. - No, it is very easy. - There you are, see.

391. - No need to be a murderer. - Mmm.

392. Hey, whoa, hey.

393. Now. It's the summer, okay?

394. Which means all the roads are completely clogged up with caravanners.

395. Yep. Apparently there are 850,000 caravanners in this country.

396. Which is a lot.

397. Yes. So we thought we'd find out

398. what they see in it.

399. Why they feel the need to clog up all the highways.

400. So we decided to go on a caravan holiday.

401. Now obviously for this, we needed a towing car,

402. we needed a campsite.

403. But first of all, we needed to buy a caravan.

404. Here she is. And isn't she a beauty?

405. She's an Elddis Shamal XL.

406. And inside she's got fitted shag pile carpet.

407. A woodette kitchen.

408. Sculpted velour upholstery.

409. A bathroom. Four beds.

410. And a spot where even I can stand up properly.

411. And guess how much we paid

412. for all this luxury and convenience.

413. Nope, you're quite wrong.

414. We got the lot for £3,000.

415. Now, for our car we've got something really very, very special.

416. There she is. It's the Kia Cerato 1.5 diesel.

417. We chose this £11,000 hatchback because it's economical.

418. And because it's the 2006 Caravan Club tow car of the year.

419. And we're not gonna be staying

420. in some builder's yard next to a gas works, either.

421. We're staying at a five-star site

422. in the rolling hills of Dorset.

423. In other words, we're doing this by the book.

424. We have got the right van, we've got the right car,

425. we're going to the right site

426. and with a bit of luck this weather will hold.

427. Back. Back.

428. Back. Back. Back!

429. - Back, back! - Oh, for God's sake!

430. But you said, "Back."

431. - Don't just say, "Back!" - No, I meant, "Back!"

432. Back.

433. James? Yeah?

434. Do the brakes. Yeah.

435. And hazards.

436. Normal lights. Everything's on. We're in business.

437. Finally, we had to attach the extended door mirrors.

438. No problem, surely, for the hosts of the world's biggest car show?

439. - I'll ride with you... - Just give it here, I will show you.

440. I'll hold it on. You tighten the straps up.

441. Wrong.

442. - Ah! Yes! - I'll give you ten quid if that stays on.

443. Eventually, though, we began our 100-mile trip to Dorset.

444. Captain Slow at the wheel of a Kia towing a caravan.

445. - Secretly, he is delighted. - Yeah, he is. He's loving this.

446. Chaps. - Yes.

447. There's a list of essential accessories.

448. Okay. Let's see if we've got 'em.

449. - Step. - No.

450. - Water container. - No.

451. - Mains hook-up lead. - No.

452. - Leisure battery. - No!

453. - Gas cylinders. - No.

454. Towing mirrors. Yes!

455. We could be gypsies.

456. Having established that we'd left everything we'd need at home,

457. we moved on to more familiar ground...

458. Road testing cars.

459. We're on the open road. Let's see what she'll do.

460. 30.

461. - 30.

462. Well, 35.

463. Foot down, James. - Foot is down.

464. - 30's nice. 30 is...

465. You'd better get used to doing 30.

466. Pretty soon an enormous jam had formed in our wake.

467. - Oh, strewth. - What?

468. - There's hundreds of 'em.

469. I know! How do caravanners do this?

470. How do they drive along thinking, "I can't bear the shame"?

471. And do you know, if you heard the great thing of Caravan Club,

472. always say, "Our members always pull over to let people by."

473. I've been driving for nearly 30 years.

474. I have never, ever, seen that happen.

475. Eventually, we could take the shame no more and pulled over.

476. See, who's grateful. He is.

477. - Sorry. - Sorry.

478. Sorry.

479. Sorry. Sorry.

480. Obviously, we're not caravan experts in any way.

481. But after just after a short distance,

482. even we were able to recognise that the Kia

483. is not an especially good tow car.

484. If you accept you have to tow a caravan which weighs what?

485. That thing weighs 1,200... No, about 1,000 kilograms.

486. - Yeah. - You want the most amount of torque.

487. So we made a more sensible shortlist.

488. - Dodge Viper. - Now there's a tow car.

489. - A Humvee. - Yeah, a Humvee would be terrific.

490. You could tow a house with that.

491. A Land Rover Discovery. Nearly three tonnes.

492. - Yeah. - Enormous.

493. - Even the V8. - Yeah.

494. You could tow the factory that caravan was built in.

495. Having sorted that out,

496. our thoughts turned back to the Shamal XL.

497. You haven't looked round it properly.

498. You want me to tell you what's in it?

499. Please. It'll entertain me on the journey.

500. Sculptured velour upholstery.

501. It is amazing upholstery.

502. I went in there and immediately wanted a curry.

503. The only drawback is there's a double bed.

504. Is there?

505. Clearly one of us would have to sleep outside.

506. Better than sleeping with James, I suppose.

507. So we weren't looking forward to our holiday.

508. And if I'm honest, we weren't enjoying the journey that much either.

509. We've done 52 miles.

510. - That's it? - Yep.

511. We've been on the road now for three and a quarter hours

512. and you've done 52 miles?

513. You held my hand there.

514. No, you put your hand next to the gears... I've got to change gears.

515. - There is no way... - Stop fighting in the front.

516. We've got a long way to go.

517. It was getting claustrophobic in the Kia

518. but because we were caravanning,

519. we could do what caravanners do,

520. pull over at the side of the road

521. and have a spot of lunch.

522. Tell you what. What? Hey?

523. This is peaceful.

524. Pork pie? What?

525. Pork pie?

526. Caravanners.

527. It's the Overlander GL!

528. - Yay! - Hooray!

529. After lunch, Jeremy packed everything away and we set off.

530. And it was then we encountered the dangerous side of caravanning.

531. James. The car is weaving about.

532. - It's not, this is not natural. - That's really alarming.

533. So we consulted the caravan handbook.

534. "When a swaying caravan starts to dictate the direction of travel,

535. "you have a snake."

536. - No. You have a crash. Yeah. Exactly.

537. "Try to keep it in the straight-ahead position

538. "and allow the outfit to slow down gradually."

539. That's not true. You put your foot down, don't you?

540. - Power out of it. Always. - Yeah.

541. - Power out. - Give it more power.

542. This is wrong.

543. Sadly, while we had the snaking under control it had had an effect.

544. Um, Top Gear dog's been sick.

545. So we pulled over for some dog aid.

546. Aw. What am I gonna...

547. You poor dog.

548. - Look what I've got. - What?

549. It's one of those things you put in the back window,

550. then you programme messages.

551. - That's brilliant. - It is.

552. - It's just good. - So you can put it in the back of anything, really?

553. Yeah, we can program it to say any message we like.

554. Sorry we're so slow. James May is driving.

555. So that can go in the back of the rig.

556. With the dog sorted, we were on our way.

557. Dog's not gonna be sick again, is it?

558. - No. I just don't wanna... - The smell's not good.

559. - Ooh!

560. - What the hell? - That's bad.

561. You!

562. It's pretty poor, mate. It's pretty poor.

563. - Caravanning, James. - Yeah.

564. How do ya... what do ya...

565. Something you were looking forward to.

566. Well, let's watch it come off.

567. Back.

568. Slowly. Slowly!

569. Back.

570. - James, you're gonna have to back up. - Can you back it up?

571. Left-hand down, right-hand down, easy does it.

572. - That's... - Yeah. Look!

573. Back. Back.

574. Have you seen what you have done to the tow bar?

575. It doesn't matter.

576. He's cross with us because he's done that.

577. Yeah. To our home.

578. - Oh, look! James. What?

579. Somebody's pulled in in a caravan

580. and they haven't hit anything!

581. Get in the car.

582. - We hurt his feelings? - No, no. I'm just getting a bit irritable.

583. Our caravanning trip wasn't going well.

584. In fact it was even starting to strain

585. the bond of our friendship.

586. Okay, now we're gonna pick that up later on

587. when things go from bad to, sort of, catastrophic, really.

588. But now it's time to put a star in our Reasonably Priced Car.

589. And my guest tonight has starred in X-Men,

590. Bourne Supremacy, Braveheart, Troy.

591. In fact, it's hard to think of a film he hasn't actually been in.

592. He was once even Hannibal Lecter.

593. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Brian Cox!

594. Thank you so much.

595. - Have a seat. - Ah.

596. Well, I'm stunned.

597. I have been nagging to have you on the show

598. ever since we started it.

599. Oh, that's very sweet of you. Thank you.

600. Thing I'm going you, okay,

601. since you are the big Hollywood star, okay.

602. I've gotta know why is it that in Hollywood

603. they always cast the Brit as the baddie.

604. I think it's because...

605. They, kind of, mistrust intelligence.

606. Anyone with an accent that's not American, they all think,

607. "Oh, they're a bit suspicious

608. "and basically, they should be very bad."

609. It strikes me as well, as it's a really good opportunity

610. for the Brit actor to go over there and just go nuts in a role.

611. Because it's, can I overact more than Alan Rickman in Die Hard?

612. "Sitting on a beach collecting 20%."

613. Where does that come from?

614. And Gary Oldman in Leon. "A-zzooh-ooh-ooh!"

615. Well, they, they... mmm. Yeah. They all love it.

616. But it's true.

617. And the thing is you, though,

618. 'cause you've been the baddie on a number of occasions.

619. Yeah.

620. You don't do the swivel-eyed lunacy,

621. the, "Cancel Christmas and cut his heart out with a spoon thing".

622. I mean I mean, I have... I have done roles similar to that.

623. But I don't really try and do it that way.

624. And you've got to keep the audience in suspense because they don't know...

625. And especially if you've played as many baddies as me,

626. they're always expecting something to happen. - Hmm.

627. So you've got to make sure that they don't get it at the right moment,

628. that they get it when they least expect it.

629. Now, of course,

630. the first time we ever saw you as a baddie, really, was Manhunter,

631. - when you were Hannibal Lecter. - Right.

632. You see, It was fantastic, it was just one of my favourite films.

633. - It was one of Michael Mann's first, wasn't it? - Right, yeah.

634. Astonishingly good! Was it fun being Lecter?

635. It was because it was a part that, uh,

636. it was the first time it was ever done so that nobody knew

637. what it was going to lead to.

638. He was a truly scary character.

639. Then of course it came back with... the Welshman.

640. The Welshman, Tony, yeah.

641. You can call him Tony, the Welshman got it.

642. Were you cross, when, quietly cross,

643. when Silence Of The Lambs became...

644. I was only cross with my agent

645. because we shared the same agent

646. and he hadn't quite told me that Tony had also been offered this role.

647. He got a lot more money for being Hannibal Lecter.

648. Yeah. The only thing that pisses me off is that I didn't get the dough.

649. No. So it's hugely successful for you in America,

650. but the big question now is do you still have to live there?

651. Couldn't you come back and live in a free country, here or...

652. You'd be surprised.

653. - I've just had a month there. - Yeah, you'd be surprised.

654. I'm amazed, sort of, at how many CCTVs,

655. how many speed bumps,

656. how many civil liberty infractions are going on in this country.

657. I tell you, it ain't as free as everybody thinks it is.

658. It's not as free, but in America,

659. they threw a stone at me for having

660. "Hillary for President" written down the side of my car.

661. - Well, which state were you in? - Alabama.

662. - Well, exactly! - I knew it.

663. Of course, they'd throw a stone at you.

664. The Stig got arrested for walking through the Mojave Desert.

665. - Really? - Yeah!

666. Because he looked funny, so he must be a Muslim.

667. I just feel that, you know, there's a lot of America

668. which is, it's like living between...

669. 'Cause I spend time between the two countries

670. and I've got to know both countries.

671. So I know, the ins and the outs.

672. And I know that this particular administration in America at the moment

673. is the worst time to be there.

674. Yeah, but the present administration is not responsible

675. for everyone saying, "You want cheese with that?"

676. Every time you want anything to eat.

677. Which they do!

678. Well, they do, but that's possibly because maybe they think

679. you want cheese with that.

680. And you it is... It is tough, but...

681. - But you like it. - Yeah, I do. I mean I...

682. As long as I can come home.

683. - Yeah. You're home now because you're in this

684. amazing new play, Rock and Roll.

685. - Tom Stoppard. - Yeah.

686. It's about the Czechs...

687. It's the history of Czechoslovakia.

688. It's between the Russian invasion of '68

689. to the Velvet Revolution in 1990,

690. and it's set between Cambridge and Prague.

691. And I rang a friend of mine the other day

692. because I haven't had the chance to see it.

693. But then nobody has as far as I can work out.

694. - Nobody can get in. - Even Yoko Ono couldn't get a ticket.

695. Yoko, we finally smuggled her in

696. because she did point out

697. that her husband is mentioned and some of his music is played,

698. so she had to get in.

699. This is an amazing play that's moving up to the West End.

700. - Yeah. - I rang a critic friend of mine the other day

701. and he said, "It is the best play for 100 years."

702. - Wow! - Which is nice?

703. - It's a pretty good... - Sadly, he's a restaurant critic.

704. So he wasn't able to write that.

705. - But... No, he does. - Sometimes they're more reliable.

706. I suppose we better talk about cars.

707. - We'd better. - What have you got?

708. Well, I know you're going to be...

709. I know you're going to go...

710. - It's going to be a Prius. - Yes, it is. I have a Prius.

711. - Well, actually...

712. We have two, we have one here and one there.

713. - So you bought one and then... - We bought another.

714. Or did you just forget you had the first one?

715. No.

716. No, we remembered we had the first one.

717. You only need one Prius, for when you go on chat shows to say,

718. "I have a Prius," and everyone goes, "Well done, you saved the trees."

719. The thing about Priuses or "Pree-uses"

720. is that you just have to know how to drive them.

721. People think that, "Oh, they're very economic on gas."

722. Yeah, they're economic if you know how to drive them economically,

723. but if you don't, it's like anything else.

724. - Let's see how you get on, on the track. - Yeah.

725. - Shall we? - Yeah.

726. - Was it fun? - I loved it.

727. I tell you, it was... I've been so nervous about today,

728. and kind of, part of my life running before me.

729. But it was an almost...

730. I have to say, it was almost like a mystical, spiritual experience.

731. - Spiritual? - Yeah.

732. - With The Stig? - Yeah, absolutely.

733. That's fantastic. Shall we have a look at one of your practise laps?

734. Yes. Okay, let's have a look.

735. That's the practise lap?

736. One of the practise laps, you didn't know the cameras were turning.

737. But here it is.

738. We're coming up to the second to last corner.

739. And, oh, it's coming up to Gambon, and an unusual new one.

740. Very good.

741. Right in the grass.

742. You're a mate of Gambon's, of course, aren't you?

743. Yeah, Gambon and I...

744. You've shared cornering difficulties.

745. Yeah, exactly.

746. That was the first time I've seen anyone go round it like that before.

747. - Really? - You were completely cutting it.

748. It was a whole new thing.

749. Anyway, eventually, of course, you were ready to do the real lap.

750. Let's have a look. Here we go.

751. Smoking start, I like the look of that.

752. Is this the first time you've ever driven in anger?

753. Yeah. Really?

754. Well, driven in this. There's anger, yeah...

755. I like that.

756. That's a good tight line.

757. Keep it tight.

758. And very concentrated, you look there.

759. Keeping it tight again, but not fast.

760. - And where are we going now? Oh!

761. Looking at the gear lever doesn't...

762. That's the trouble with living in LA.

763. There we go again, though. You're quite slow.

764. That's the rev limiter.

765. You're in third!

766. Did you actually get it into fifth?

767. Yeah, I did at one point... Wait a minute.

768. Is that third still or fifth?

769. Oh, no, it sounds like you might have got into fifth.

770. That was quite good. Second to last corner. That's looking very good.

771. And into Gambon.

772. Is this going to be smooth? Yes, it is and there we are.

773. - Across the line, everybody.

774. Well, there you are. There's the list of other people

775. who've been round in the new Reasonably Priced Car.

776. So, where do you think you've come?

777. Um. Probably pretty low, actually.

778. Yeah.

779. - You did it... two minutes... - Oh, shit.

780. One second, which is sort of...

781. Oh, that's disgraceful. - Well, yeah.

782. No, It's not as bad as Jimmy Carr,

783. and you can take solace from that.

784. - No, it's terrible. I'm now depressed. - Well, you see...

785. Is Gambon going to ring you now?

786. Oh, no, he'll never let me forget it.

787. Me on my own. That's it...

788. But it's been an absolute joy having you here.

789. Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Cox!

790. Cheers, thank you.

791. Thank you.

792. Oh, God.

793. I have to come back and improve.

794. Wow! So far tonight, we've had a Vauxhall Vectra,

795. a Kia, a caravan and a bloke named Brian.

796. And now for even more excitement.

797. Because recently, I spent a morning at a large exhibition centre.

798. This is the main hall at the Excel Centre in London.

799. And next week, it'll be the venue for the British Motor Show.

800. It is a huge space. Some 385 metres long.

801. So, before all the car companies fill the place

802. with their revolving stands and Orange promo girls,

803. we thought we'd sneak in and hold our own motor show.

804. The thing is, though,

805. we'll only be exhibiting one car.

806. But it should be plenty.

807. This is it!

808. A Toyota F1 car.

809. And it's the 2005 model with the big V10 engine.

810. It spins to 19,000 rpm

811. and produces a colossal 900 brake horsepower.

812. That's a lot in a car that weighs half a ton.

813. In fact, it's such a lot, that it can do 220 miles an hour.

814. Now, with performance figures like those,

815. there's no point in putting it on a plinth,

816. and this hall is pretty long.

817. So, we're going to try something that's never been done before.

818. Yep, for the first time in the history of anything,

819. we're going to see how fast you can run an F1 car

820. indoors.

821. Specifically, we're going to start it at one end of the hall

822. and then see what speed it can get to,

823. before the driver has to hit the brakes

824. to avoid the solid wall at the other end.

825. Which is why we're going to need a driver who knows no fear,

826. who has no sponsors to upset

827. if he hits the brakes too late and punches a big,

828. Formula-One-car-shaped hole in the wall.

829. Yes, The Stig.

830. Before we ignited the F1 car,

831. Stig did a run in our reasonably priced Chevrolet Lacetti.

832. This would put things in perspective

833. by showing us what speed an everyday road car could manage.

834. Stig ignored the health and safety man's big stop sign

835. and managed 70 miles an hour.

836. Not bad for a 1.8 litre car with just 118 horsepower.

837. But now for the main event.

838. The Toyota has eight times the power of the Lacetti

839. and is just over a third of the weight.

840. So let's see what it can do.

841. No, no, wait.

842. Okay, now, the Chevy Lacetti set the benchmark there

843. of 70 miles an hour, all right?

844. So, how fast do we think the Formula One car went?

845. Okay, anyone want a guess?

846. - MAN: 170. - CLARKSON: 170.

847. 150.

848. 180.

849. - MAN: 120. - CLARKSON: 120?

850. You're all in the ball park we were thinking of, so...

851. Richard, tell them, how fast did it go?

852. You know, I think maybe you should do that.

853. No, it was your experiment.

854. You tell them how fast it went.

855. - Say it louder.

856. - 81 miles an hour.

857. It did. It was 81 miles an hour.

858. That was as quick as it would go

859. Because it couldn't put its power down.

860. Yeah. The thing is...

861. It just spun its wheels all of the time.

862. All of the power gone.

863. And we were going to throw that whole film away

864. and not bother showing it.

865. And then we discovered

866. that there was no indoors speed record for cars at all.

867. Which means, we've set the world record at 81 miles an hour!

868. - Yes, we have. - Yeah!

869. Yes, we have!

870. What's really funny is that we very nearly accidentally

871. set the speed record in the Chevrolet Lacetti.

872. Earlier on, we were asking why is caravanning so popular.

873. To find out, the three of us went on a caravan holiday.

874. Yeah, and it wasn't going well.

875. - No, we held up several million people. - Yeah.

876. - Top Gear Dog had been sick. - Yeah.

877. - And he'd actually crashed the caravan. - Yeah.

878. Yes, and to be honest, we were all starting to fall out quite badly.

879. So, let's rejoin the action.

880. We were now in Dorset

881. just a few miles from the site

882. and back on single carriageways,

883. which meant it was business as usual behind us.

884. I've just seen the queue as we came off the roundabout.

885. I can't live with the shame.

886. This car feels really odd.

887. James, it's a Kia...

888. Thingy.

889. Soprano. Sudoku, it's not a good car.

890. Do you know what's behind us?

891. What?

892. - Horsebox. - What, we're holding up a horsebox?

893. Oh! Now that's payback, I like that.

894. - Serves... you... - Oh, very good.

895. Right.

896. Dorset is awash with campsites.

897. All we had to do was find ours.

898. Hammond, what's the name of the campsite?

899. I don't know.

900. No, hang on, which way do we go here?

901. Who booked it?

902. You. - So what's it called?

903. I spoke to a man... Dave.

904. Which way is it? Do you know?

905. The campsite's called Dave!

906. Dave the camp... I don't know. I didn't ask him.

907. Go in there. Okay, left.

908. I wouldn't have done that.

909. I wouldn't have gone that way.

910. You're in charge of navigation,

911. you weren't looking at the map.

912. You were arguing and bickering with Hammond.

913. James, turn round.

914. - I implore you. - Okay.

915. - James, I'm going to side with him, I'm afraid. - All right.

916. No. I'm man enough to admit my mistake, I was wrong.

917. Spot a little farm gate and I'll reverse it in and flip it round.

918. James eventually selected a turning spot that, frankly, wasn't ideal.

919. Now what? Ha-ha. It's not wide enough.

920. It's in the hedge.

921. Not quite.

922. James, you're not turning round,

923. you're moving backwards.

924. You're going like this.

925. He's tacking backwards.

926. Listen, you pillocks, when reversing a caravan

927. you don't say, "You've made no progress."

928. - You go, "Left hand down..." Okay.

929. Get in the car. Get. Ow!

930. Oh, yeah. Right hand down.

931. Right hand down.

932. There's a bus coming, James.

933. There's a bus, there's a coach!

934. I'm starting again.

935. And just when we thought the journey couldn't possibly get any worse...

936. Tools!

937. This is not what I call holiday.

938. It's gone slightly downhill, but...

939. It never climbed up the hill.

940. After 20 minutes, we had the wheel changed,

941. but we were still pointing in the wrong direction

942. James, there's a lamppost.

943. And then...

944. Police are here! Police are here.

945. Run away! Run! Hide!

946. We had a puncture and then we changed it and...

947. And then James said he could turn it round here,

948. and we said he couldn't we were embarrassed.

949. So, we ran away.

950. The policeman said that we should get a move on,

951. or we'd be sent to prison for 20 years.

952. So we sacked James, unhitched it and did the turn by hand.

953. Sorry, everyone. Sorry.

954. That was hard.

955. Do not make another wrong turn, James.

956. Go.

957. - Uh, James... - We haven't got the caravan.

958. So far, then, we've learned

959. that if there are any joys to caravanning,

960. they certainly aren't to be found in the journey.

961. All we've done on the way to Dorset is crash into things,

962. bicker, get cautioned by the police,

963. cause a lot of jams,

964. have a puncture, clear up some dog sick,

965. have a noisy, disgusting picnic at the side of the road,

966. and get stuck.

967. But after six hours,

968. we finally arrived at Caravancatraz.

969. Five miles an hour maximum.

970. - Well, not so bad. Dream on.

971. "Keep dogs on a lead."

972. Top Gear Dog, you've got to be on a lead.

973. James told Richard and I to get out

974. because he reckoned he could do the parking thing more easily

975. if we weren't there to help him.

976. Now, let me think about this.

977. I've got to turn it that way,

978. that way...

979. that way.

980. Put it in reverse.

981. That's not right.

982. That is the 6400.

983. There's no wonder he's got a clamp on it. Look.

984. Yeah, and he's got his satellite dish set up.

985. What a beauty. - That is rocking.

986. Richard and I were on a mission

987. to see what it is that caravanners like about caravanning.

988. Oh, no, it's worse. Jeremy, on the right.

989. That's not a sign you ever want to have to read on your holiday.

990. Come on! Chin up. We're camping.

991. - That's the train there. - That is the train there.

992. This site you've booked...

993. Uh...

994. Here we go.

995. Left equals right. So...

996. I can do this really fast.

997. I'll do this swiftly. This is the one they'll use on the telly

998. and that'll be...

999. No, that's not right.

1000. Meanwhile, we met someone from Richard's fan club.

1001. Hello. How do you do? I'm Jeremy Clarkson.

1002. I know! - This is Richard Hammond.

1003. - I'm Richard. Nice to see you. Oh!

1004. Tell me, what do we do on a caravan holiday?

1005. Now we're here.

1006. Go round and see the countryside.

1007. - Mmm-hmm. - Fill up the loo.

1008. Fill up the loo? - Yeah.

1009. Do you want a cup of tea?

1010. That's very sweet of you, but we're getting to know our surroundings.

1011. But that's very kind. We might pop back.

1012. But she wasn't going to let Richard escape that easily.

1013. I can't come into your caravan. Jeremy, help me.

1014. You're going to be taken into a caravan. Let's go.

1015. Don't follow them in there.

1016. I'll just... I'll... You can bring the dog in as well.

1017. I really can't take the dog in the... Mummy!

1018. No, you can take the dog in as well.

1019. Then the caravan has to go to the left,

1020. but that doesn't mean turning the wheel there,

1021. that means turning the wheel to the right.

1022. And then that will do it.

1023. By now, James had attracted quite a crowd.

1024. Here we go.

1025. Which was unfortunate. - And back.

1026. That's good.

1027. Oh, no, it's not...

1028. James! Stop!

1029. Do you see what you've done?

1030. They'll be out bird watching or something.

1031. By the time they get back,

1032. we'll have it back together. It's not broken. It's just knocked over.

1033. Where is Hammond? - You don't wanna know.

1034. - I'll get inside.

1035. What's that?

1036. That didn't sound good.

1037. - That must go... - No, it's here, it's here. It's here.

1038. That'll do. You're such a clown!

1039. They're never gonna know.

1040. Even if they do think it's all got bent, they won't know what did it.

1041. No.

1042. What's Hammond doing with the dog?

1043. - The dog went in with him. - Really?

1044. Him and the dog and the biggish woman are in a caravan.

1045. After a worryingly long time, Hammond and Top Gear Dog returned.

1046. I think this is gonna have to...

1047. This is where it was!

1048. This will do.

1049. Oh!

1050. - Oh, no.

1051. Ooh. Oh, dear.

1052. Oh, my word!

1053. Oh, my God!

1054. Hang on, we've gotta put the legs down.

1055. We're not brilliant at this, are we?

1056. It had been a bit of an ordeal getting there,

1057. but once you've parked up, you can create your own little home from home.

1058. So we put the awning up.

1059. Argh!

1060. - Is that your finger? There's gonna be swearing.

1061. We got the electricity connected.

1062. Yes!

1063. Here it is!

1064. Wow! Star Trek.

1065. Lights. - What the heck...

1066. And then I discovered Jeremy's secret weapon.

1067. Literally.

1068. Ah, yes. I brought that.

1069. Yeah. Well, you might. I thought...

1070. That's an AK-47.

1071. - I know. I thought I might need it. - Why?

1072. A weekend, in a box with James May.

1073. I thought, "What am I gonna need?"

1074. You're not a practical man, are you?

1075. The last step in making our home complete

1076. was connecting the gas bottle.

1077. That's gas! It's gas!

1078. Argh!

1079. Why would anybody think this was a holiday?

1080. I mean, at what point in the last eight hours

1081. have I done anything I'd call holiday-ish?

1082. Nothing.

1083. I've been in a car accident.

1084. I've watched James May destroy a campsite.

1085. I've stabbed myself seven times.

1086. Eventually, though, our house was up and running.

1087. Look at that!

1088. So then it was time to tackle stage three of caravanning.

1089. What do you actually do on a caravan holiday?

1090. First, we tried the local pub.

1091. Yeah.

1092. So then we decided to do what everyone else had done

1093. and turned in for the night.

1094. That's not a bed, is it? - No.

1095. - There's no way are you making it through the night!

1096. That...

1097. I have worked my fingers to the bone for that.

1098. What a reward.

1099. - No, you can't sleep on there. - Jeremy... it's gonna go.

1100. And then you'll break you're back in the night and that'll wake everybody.

1101. You two are sleeping in a double bed.

1102. I'm gonna ring the Daily Mail immediately.

1103. Can I just say, guys? Yes?

1104. I've got a king-size bed at home.

1105. I like it. - I quite like it.

1106. - It's nice. I like it!

1107. It's homely.

1108. No, I'm all right with caravanning.

1109. - Oh, good, a train. - Nice. That's nice.

1110. Listen.

1111. How often is that gonna happen all night?

1112. That was all right.

1113. It's romantic. - Don't say things like that!

1114. I'm on the same bed as you!

1115. This, then, is why you sit in jams all through the summer,

1116. so people can come to caravan sites and have fun.

1117. How do I release the excrement?

1118. Oh, you're so on your own with that job.

1119. Oh!

1120. Why do 17% of the British people want to do this

1121. for a holiday?

1122. I know, for a holiday,

1123. let's empty our turds out ourselves.

1124. Still, could be worse.

1125. Oh, no!

1126. While Hammond went for more water, James planned breakfast.

1127. I'm gonna go off. I'm going to find one of those ruddy-faced farmers

1128. and his organic, rosy-cheeked wife

1129. and get some free-range eggs and grass-fed bacon

1130. - and all that local produce. - Brilliant. Okay.

1131. Do some washing-up or something.

1132. Work sets you free.

1133. But James's farmer hunt didn't go to plan.

1134. Sorry, forgive me, is this breakfast? Right. Yeah.

1135. Do you want to go to Wilton House, the home of the Earl of Pembroke?

1136. I've been there.

1137. - Dorchester, a great day out? - I've been there.

1138. Weymouth Sea Life?

1139. - Oh, my God. - I've been there hundreds of times.

1140. - Train.

1141. It's peaceful. It's not peaceful and I don't like...

1142. You aren't allowed to have a fire.

1143. You aren't allowed to play ball games.

1144. You aren't allowed to play music.

1145. You have to be in bed by eleven.

1146. You have to park within two feet of a post.

1147. You have to keep quiet. You can't have anything.

1148. This is not a holiday. It's a concentration camp.

1149. But those rules are for the benefit of everybody.

1150. They bring strength through joy.

1151. If I was at home now,

1152. I could go out, have a fire, have a barbecue

1153. play music loud, do whatever I want. I'd be free.

1154. Here, I've got a piece of spam on a broken plate.

1155. And look at everybody,

1156. sitting outside their vans on £4.99 garden furniture,

1157. waiting for Sunday night, when they can set off home

1158. and clog up the roads again.

1159. I was angry.

1160. So, Hammond decided I needed cheering up.

1161. Why is this good, Hammond?

1162. - What, walking? - Yeah.

1163. Because, um, well, it's bracing, it's good exercise...

1164. See stuff, look. What am I seeing here that's interesting?

1165. I'm from Oxfordshire, which is all green.

1166. I've come to Dorset and it's all green.

1167. It's a different sort of green, though.

1168. - It isn't. - It is.

1169. It just isn't.

1170. To shut him up, we did a bit of Top Gear twitching.

1171. Well there's a Jag, V1X...

1172. J Diesel. Oh, yes, that's a Sovereign.

1173. - Old Prelude going the other way. It's a Sovereign.

1174. Look at that campervan. What's that? Oh, good work, sir!

1175. It's a Westphalia. Oh, it is a Westphalia.

1176. After our walk, Jeremy said he'd cook lunch.

1177. James, you know that shop you went to this morning, did it have any raw prawns?

1178. - No. - Coconut milk?

1179. No.

1180. - Green curry paste? - Nope.

1181. Coriander leaves? Snake beans?

1182. It had some potatoes.

1183. Oh, well, I'll do chips, then.

1184. Oh, God!

1185. - Richard! - What?

1186. Richard, have you got a fire extinguisher?

1187. No. Why?

1188. How do you put a pan fire out? Tea towel and water.

1189. Richard! Are there any water?

1190. No, I used it all on my hair.

1191. Guys, it is no longer a pan fire. It's a van fire.

1192. - It is a fire. - You are joking.

1193. How in the name of...

1194. God in heaven, mate, put it out. Put it out.

1195. Use the oven glove.

1196. The cushion's on fire now. I've made it worse!

1197. Careful with that. Get everything out.

1198. What do I take out?

1199. It's Okay, I've got his dressing gown.

1200. What am I gonna rescue? What am I gonna rescue?

1201. Richard, don't go back in there. The gas!

1202. How the hell did that happen?

1203. How did we set that on fire?

1204. I tried to beat the fire out in ours, with that cushion.

1205. I threw it out the window and I think I torched it.

1206. - I can think of one good thing, James. - What?

1207. You won't have to apologise to the people whose caravan that is

1208. - for breaking their awning. - Brilliant.

1209. All things considered,

1210. how do you think the holiday went?

1211. I think, well.

1212. Okay, you two gave it your best shot. You tried to like it. Did you?

1213. No, absolutely not.

1214. I would like it, I think, if I were on my own.

1215. Do you seriously think you're gonna be welcome in any campsite after that?

1216. Look, what we proved in that film is that there is no upside to caravanning.

1217. They clog up the roads for no good reason.

1218. I mean, that woman in the film, okay?

1219. When I said to that woman, "What do you do on a caravan holiday?"

1220. She said, "Mmm, fill up the loo."

1221. - That's all she could think of!

1222. She's spent £12,000

1223. on a caravan so she can go to a field and defecate in a bucket.

1224. - I'm sorry, but when we come to power,

1225. caravanning is going to be banned.

1226. And that's it. And on that bombshell, it's time to end.

1227. Thank you very much for watching.

1228. Normal service will be resumed next week. Good night.