Top Gear 8x5

1. Tonight, the new Citroen C6, hovercraft or horse manure?

2. Jackie Stewart teaches Captain Slow how to drive.

3. Don't bother watching the World Cup, cause we've sorted it already.

4. Hello and welcome.

5. Now, it's not unusual for racing car companies to start making road cars.

6. Ferrari, for example, and Lotus, more recently, McLaren.

7. Well, now another one is having a go.

8. The very famous...

9. Prodrive.

10. Prodrive is responsible for the Subaru rally cars.

11. They also designed and run the Aston Martin endurance cars,

12. and until last year, the Honda BAR F1 team as well.

13. A pretty successful operation then.

14. But at the firms Christmas party a couple of years ago,

15. the boss of the company said,

16. "Look, we've conquered the world's race tracks.

17. "Now let's do the same on the roads."

18. This is what they came up with, as a base.

19. It's a Subaru R1 city car, and what they've done is turn it,

20. into this.

21. It's called simply the P2 and it's amazing!

22. The new coupe body was done by the same man who styled the McLaren F1.

23. Don't think, however, that this is all show and no go.

24. The engine is from a Subaru Impreza,

25. but it has a bigger turbo charger,

26. so now you get 345 brake horsepower.

27. You also get a funny little noise from the waste gate,

28. when you take your foot off the accelerator.

29. Sounds like squirrels are being pushed into the engine.

30. That's what this is, it's a squirrel mincer.

31. It doesn't just sound like a rally car either,

32. because it weighs about the same as a human hair,

33. it goes like one, too!

34. 0-60...

35. 3.8 seconds.

36. Top speed, 174!

37. Score!

38. One reason why it's so fast is because it has something called anti-lag,

39. which no-one in the world can explain.

40. So, the P2 then.

41. It's good looking, quick,

42. and with a projected price of just £40,000, good value, too.

43. And we haven't even got to the really good stuff yet.

44. In normal mode, it handles like a normal Subaru Impreza, actually.

45. Loads and loads and loads of grip,

46. and then, that hint of understeer.

47. If I turn this little knob here to three...

48. This turns on the car's electronic brain.

49. Now, it's a very different animal.

50. No understeer at all.

51. This system is even more complicated than the anti-lag,

52. but, one of Prodrives engineers decided to actually have a stab at explaining it.

53. The control of the centre differential, clutch,

54. is controlled through the computer, it looks at the steering angle.

55. You've got your sensors and accelerometers

56. and you've got steering wheel position,

57. the slip angle of the car through the throttle,

58. but if you then apply longitudinal force...

59. Drive torques to the rear tyres, you lose lateral grip

60. the torque split through.

61. The relative speeds of the front-rear diff, does that help?

62. The relative speeds of...

63. It's probably simpler to demonstrate the system with a practical experiment.

64. I'm going round this circle of cones here with the diff turned off, okay?

65. I'm doing 30 miles an hour and I'm going wide, basically, look!

66. It's going wider and wider, it's just understeer.

67. Now.

68. Turn the diff on and see what happens.

69. Okay, 30mph to beat.

70. 38.

71. 40.

72. 45.

73. It just kept getting faster and faster

74. until the inevitable happened.

75. Oh!

76. Quite a car, then.

77. Not only can it blow your mind,

78. but also empty your stomach.

79. Er! Not nice!

80. I don't wanna see that!

81. Plenty of saltwater or go for a drive in that.

82. I don't get it.

83. How did you make yourself sick, when you were driving?

84. I wasn't driving. I was sitting behind the wheel

85. while all the technology summoned up the chunks.

86. Yeah, it did that.

87. The grip on this is phenomenal, it really is.

88. It's an amazing thing and there's something else amazing.

89. - What? - Well, there's been all that bru-ah-ha about the demise

90. of the British motor industry.

91. Vauxhall with 1,000 jobs gone,

92. Peugeot, Jaguar closing down plants in Coventry.

93. - Rover have gone TVR on their uppers. - Yeah.

94. Well, there you go! This could be the answer.

95. - Could be, but they won't make it! - Why?

96. Because they say that this is what a Prodrive road car would be like,

97. if they could be bothered to put it into production, but they can't.

98. What's the point in that? That's like saying,

99. "I could fly like an eagle, but I can't be bothered!"

100. It's just a technological showcase.

101. It's them saying, "Look how clever we are!"

102. They're not gonna make it, it's a great shame.

103. We'll find out now just how fast it goes round our track.

104. That means handing it over to our racing driver.

105. Some say that the outline of his left nipple,

106. is exactly the same shape as the Nurburgring.

107. And if you give him a really important job to do,

108. he'll skive off and play croquet.

109. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

110. Whoops! Bit of flame from the exhaust, and he's off!

111. Ooh! Look at the car pitching on its suspension,

112. as The Stig slams home another gear.

113. Active Diff is switched on here, of course.

114. System can make any driver look like Michael Schumacher,

115. but in Stig's case that'd make him look worse than he is!

116. Look how neatly he gets out the first corner.

117. Dove posso comprare semaforo?

118. Where can I buy traffic lights?

119. Whoa! He's rocking up in Chicago,

120. gets the nose a bit wide, and the computer shifts the torque around,

121. drags everything back on track.

122. Hammerhead, this is the real handling test.

123. Subaru would wash wide,

124. but the P2's brain shunts drive where it's needed,

125. gets the tail working, punches him out the other side.

126. E sporco.

127. It's dirty.

128. Going down to follow through.

129. Don't think he's lifted at all!

130. Stig and computer's working together,

131. animal and machine, in perfect harmony.

132. He's turning in now, second to last corner, that's very tidy,

133. coming up to Gambon, picking up dust like a rally car

134. and across the line!

135. This is interesting, this.

136. Now...

137. Now, when he did it, he did a lap in that without the diff turned on,

138. he did a 1:29, which is, sort of, way down here somewhere, okay?

139. But with the diff actually activated,

140. he did it in one minute 24.3,

141. so it's half a second quicker than an Evo 400.

142. Evo has 60 more horsepower and that's all down to the diff.

143. If you want to know how this diff works, I've put something about it...

144. Well, I haven't put anything on the internet about it, obviously,

145. but James May, has written something on our website.

146. So if you want to know about the technology of this car,

147. go to bbc.co.uk/topgear

148. or go onto Google and write, "I haven't got any friends."

149. And now it's time for the news.

150. Yes, it is.

151. The big news this week is it's time once again for the Top Gear survey.

152. You see, we test cars for a week,

153. and in that time we can work out how fast they are, how big the boot is,

154. how comfortable they are.

155. But we can't work out what they're like to live with everyday,

156. and that is where you come in...

157. - What are you doing? - What?

158. What are you doing?

159. This is what you do in the news these days.

160. You've not been watching these bulletins,

161. they walk about with a bit of paper,

162. and then they talk to one camera

163. and for no obvious reason,

164. switch to another one.

165. And then another. Like that.

166. Er, anyway, the point is,

167. is that if your car is on

168. an 03,

169. an 05,

170. an 04...

171. Or a 54 plate,

172. we want to hear from you, okay?

173. So please write to us

174. at bbc.co.uk/topgear.

175. Are you gonna stop that now?

176. It's really irritating.

177. No, I'll do the next bit like Channel Five,

178. Kirsty Young is always halfway up a staircase when she does hers.

179. - Up here.

180. - That's like news pole dancing. It is!

181. No, that's worse. That is worse. Sit down.

182. Just try sitting down!

183. - I'll give it a whirl. - It might catch on.

184. - See? - What do you think?

185. We could do the news like this, what do we think?

186. I like it. It works.

187. Here we go.

188. Okay, here we are, with the sitting-down news,

189. which comes from Subaru

190. who are arranging a series of track days for £250.

191. You can go to the Prodrive test track and thrash around,

192. in an Impreza or those bigger ones

193. - whose name... - Legacy.

194. Legacy, that's the one.

195. There's only a few conditions.

196. You must be 18 years or over.

197. You must have had a full driving licence for over a year.

198. Ooh, and you must be between 5'2" and 6'7".

199. So that's you two out.

200. Excellent.

201. That's heightist, quite frankly.

202. I can't think of a better recommendation, actually.

203. - Than what? - Us not being able to do it?

204. Exactly. I'll be going, I'll see you there.

205. Hey now, listen.

206. I have found, what I consider to be pretty close to the perfect car.

207. You know last year, I drove to the south of France,

208. I drove the Audi RS4? Fantastic.

209. They've now brought out this version of it, okay?

210. An RS4 Cabriolet.

211. Now that's about as good as it's going to get.

212. I think that radiator grill is pretty gopping, though.

213. But Uma Thurman has big hands.

214. You're not gonna say, "Get out of my house," are you?

215. Yes.

216. Cos she's got big hands?

217. I don't like girls with big hands.

218. Why don't you like girls with big hands?

219. - It just looks wrong. - What looks wrong?

220. She says, "Hi, James, I'm Uma." With her great big hand.

221. That's just wrong. It's all big.

222. Listen, this has got 414bhp, four-wheel drive, goes like the clappers,

223. sounds wonderful, brilliant car, that.

224. You said that the only person who ever looked good

225. in the back of a four-seat convertible was Adolf Hitler.

226. - Yes. I did say that, but it doesn't matter. - You did.

227. Because the front seats in an RS4 are so big and buckety,

228. you can't get anyone in the back anyway.

229. Oh, brilliant.

230. So the best thing about your four-seater cabriolet

231. is you can only fit two people in it.

232. - Yes. - God, you do talk rubbish.

233. 60 grand as well. Good value.

234. Hey now, listen.

235. - Anyone see the Monte Carlo Grand Prix? - Yeah.

236. - Really? - Actually no.

237. No. I didn't think you would've done.

238. - I didn't watch it either. - They never watch Formula One.

239. Here's the thing.

240. Michael Schumacher is on his hot lap, qualifying lap,

241. he stops and blocks the road, and everyone says that's cheating,

242. because he was gonna go on pole position.

243. Even if, even if it was cheating, and I'm not sure that it was,

244. how brilliant is that?

245. You're driving 120 miles through Monte Carlo, like this,

246. and then you think, "If I stop here, I'll block the traffic,

247. "so I'll pretend to have an accident and there I am on pole!"

248. Honestly, he's a genius, that man.

249. Not exactly sporting, is it?

250. That's the trouble with Formula One.

251. Everyone is obsessed with sporting behaviour!

252. Did you see in the Nurburgring, in the qualifying there?

253. There's what's his name. The other Renault driver.

254. Fisichella. Fisichella charging down the pit lane to plant one on Villeneuve.

255. People go, "That's not sporting!" It is!

256. He's a young, Mediterranean racing driver and he wants to plant a big...

257. on a stupid, short-sighted, baggy-trousered Canadian.

258. And he should've got points for it.

259. He should've got extra points for that!

260. - Are you saying drivers should get random points? - Yes.

261. - Who'll give them these points? - Me.

262. Oh, there's a surprise!

263. Let me guess, you'll sit in a big box, high up,

264. overlooking the circuit,

265. maybe with a crown made of leaves and a toga?

266. Then at the end you can decide whether they win or they lose, really badly.

267. I like the leaves.

268. - I thought you might. - I hadn't thought of the leaves.

269. I'd have given Schumacher 100 for being Dick Dastardly, there we are!

270. - Can we move on? I'm worried about the stress. - No, I've another idea.

271. You know people in Sheffield nightclubs,

272. they're always egging their mates to have a fight.

273. - Yes. - All of those pit garages should have one of those.

274. See that Alonso? He were looking at your pit board.

275. He spilt your practice lap, what you gonna do? You can't do nothin'.

276. It'd be brilliant. Listen, Bernie, if you're watching,

277. you've got my number, give me a call and some leaves.

278. I'm your man.

279. - On now to one of the coolest cars of the year. - What?

280. It is a Ford people carrier.

281. There it is, look!

282. You know last week, you banged your head while you were driving my Mercedes.

283. Yes.

284. - Has this? - No, no, seriously. Bear with me.

285. For one thing, it's a seven-seater MPV, but it's really cool looking!

286. It's a great car.

287. He's absolutely right, I have it, and I'm a bachelor.

288. It drives really well and...

289. What I mean is, I like it as a car.

290. I don't have to think... The seats swivel,

291. I can get a lot of brightly coloured Mothercare rugs in the back.

292. You can just have your little brush for cleaning the air vents, James.

293. James May on parenting. "Brightly coloured Mothercare..."

294. Anyway, you get that 2.5L, five cylinder engine from the fast Focus ST,

295. so it sounds brilliant, it's fast, it handles well, it's a cool car.

296. What you're saying then is if your condom bursts, it's not a problem any more.

297. There you go, there's your answer.

298. Now, ordinarily...

299. Ordinarily, I wouldn't plug any show that these two are appearing in, okay?

300. But James has recently signed up to host a programme on Sky 32, okay?

301. - Called When Sharks Attack. - Yeah.

302. Now, this is worth watching,

303. because I've managed to procure a still,

304. from the production of James and here it is.

305. This is a show you cannot miss.

306. Is that legal in this country?

307. It's the Barbie doll thing here, the Ken and Barbie crotch,

308. there's nothing happening.

309. I don't know why you're laughing.

310. Hang on! I haven't done anything silly lately.

311. There was a picture in the paper last week,

312. which I've got, on your Grail programme.

313. The publicity shot, here it is!

314. How small was that horse?

315. It was...

316. Richard says, "Have you got a My Little Pony?"

317. I looked at it and thought, "That's what horses look like when I get on them."

318. So, God knows what that was.

319. Anyway, that is the end of the news.

320. Now, we must move on. You remember last year?

321. I went out to California and drove a Honda NSX round a race track.

322. It was to do with racing a time I'd set on a PlayStation game.

323. The thing was, I did it in 1minute 58, okay?

324. After a couple of laps, I got to 1minute 58,

325. and then no matter how many times I went round, I couldn't go any faster.

326. It was my limit of talent and bravery.

327. And after Jeremy's frankly useless efforts were put on the television,

328. a Scottish lady called Jackie Stewart wrote to us, saying...

329. She could get any one of us

330. to any race track in the country in any car, get us to set our best time

331. and then she could get us to knock 20 seconds off that time.

332. He. It's a he.

333. Jackie Stewart's a he.

334. Righto.

335. Anyway, the point is we decided to accept his challenge,

336. only we gave him the most difficult pupil of them all.

337. Him!

338. You find me in unfamiliar surroundings.

339. This is a race track.

340. This is my bag of go-faster clothing,

341. and I'm here for my date with Sir Jackie.

342. And here he is,

343. making a typically understated racing driver's entrance.

344. Immediately, I let the McLegend know what he was in for.

345. You know they call me Captain Slow.

346. - Do they? - Yeah.

347. Well, I've seen the bigger guy drive very aggressively.

348. Mmm, and not very well, I thought.

349. So, do you think you can do it?

350. Never having driven with you before, it's difficult to say.

351. I'd be surprised if you didn't turn out to be better than the other two.

352. I like that.

353. For this coaching session,

354. Jackie had insisted on a rear wheel drive car.

355. So, we chose the new TVR Tuscan 2 Convertible,

356. because actually it's a car we're very interested in.

357. Firstly, because TVR claims it's their best-built, best-driving car till date,

358. and secondly, with all their present business problems,

359. it could well be the company's swan song.

360. Before school began, Jackie took the TVR out to set his own lap time.

361. I'm scared already.

362. Jackie Stewart is 66, a pensioner,

363. except no-one seems to have told him that.

364. That warmed the tyres up.

365. Over the top and lightly brake.

366. Gently get back on the power.

367. Full power, off the power, down into second.

368. Let it roll in.

369. You can't see half of this track, as you're going along it.

370. No, I know. That's one of the charming things about it.

371. Right.

372. Sir Jackie Stewart, you did it in...

373. One minute, 58.9.

374. Now it was my turn.

375. The main thing to do is take your time to begin with.

376. I might still be taking my time at the end of the day!

377. Let's wait and see.

378. For my first few laps, Jackie, like Supernanny,

379. said nothing and just observed.

380. Meanwhile, his race engineer monitored my times using the in-car telemetry.

381. My best time was poor.

382. Two minutes, 26 seconds.

383. Sod it!

384. Come on!

385. No matter what I did, I couldn't improve it.

386. You're gonna go short of room here.

387. It seemed I'd hit my talent wall,

388. just as Jeremy did at Laguna Seca.

389. Jackie's target of knocking my time down by 20 seconds looked impossible.

390. Nevertheless, he set to work.

391. I think maybe you're trying to think too much

392. about how you're doing, rather than what's coming up.

393. The exit of the corner, is far more important than the entry of the corner,

394. with regards to smoothness.

395. One of the big keys is you never press the gas pedal

396. until you know you never have to take it off.

397. Right.

398. In other words, lots of people stamp on the gas pedal,

399. thinking they'll go faster, then they take it off, put it on, take it off,

400. and finally get it on again.

401. You don't wanna do that.

402. That was a nice soothing chat.

403. On the track, though, the man does like to make his point.

404. In, in, in, in.

405. In, in, in.

406. Brake, brake, brake!

407. Brake, brake.

408. More power, more power, more power.

409. Full power, full power, full power.

410. This is probably what will happen to me in hell.

411. A TVR, a race track and a pedantic Scotsman.

412. But, thanks to a mix of bossiness and wisdom...

413. Down a gear early.

414. Get all the work done, so you can concentrate on finding speed on the corner.

415. The lap time started to tumble.

416. Two minutes 23 seconds.

417. Power off, brake, down a gear.

418. Keep your head together.

419. Too busy, you feel the car responding badly?

420. Turn it in. Turn it in.

421. Feed it out. Power on. Full! 2 minutes 15.

422. By mid-afternoon the tartan taskmaster had knocked 11 seconds,

423. off my original and allowed me a tea-break.

424. The thing I really like about your era, the '70s,

425. you just pushed the boundaries a bit further.

426. You got to the outside of the envelope,

427. more than people do these days, I think.

428. It was more obvious, cause we had less down-force,

429. that's less aerodynamic, fewer wings, the car slid more.

430. I was actually thinking more in terms of the hairstyles.

431. It's pretty close to what you've got now, actually.

432. Is it a case of...

433. "If you look like Jackie Stewart, you'll go like Jackie Stewart."

434. You're trying to do that now, aren't you, with the hair?

435. - I'm halfway there.

436. - Let's have another go, see what happens. - Okay.

437. Stay with it. Full power!

438. You feel the car doing that, I don't wanna feel that.

439. Whoops-a-daisy!

440. Don't put the power on till you know you never have to take it off.

441. Good.

442. - 2:10. Yep. - 2:10?

443. Jackie had now slashed my time by a massive 16 seconds,

444. but any extra improvement was getting harder and harder.

445. You've gotta concentrate. You're not using the same board as before.

446. Get your head together.

447. See, you missed that apex probably by six feet.

448. Whoa...

449. Power on. On power. On power.

450. Time was running out and we still had to find another four seconds.

451. So, he pulled me in for a final pep talk.

452. You're quite busy here.

453. First, we compared his and my telemetry.

454. At the top we've got, your lap is in red and Jackie's is in blue.

455. And the differences were alarming.

456. Your acceleration here, you see how untidy it is.

457. Well, it's not perfect.

458. This is something he does when he coaches current Formula One drivers.

459. But if you can show them how to do it,

460. why don't you just carry on being a Formula One driver?

461. Because I don't want to be doing that any more.

462. Finally he went into Yoda mode.

463. If you're going into a corner and I do that to you, look, you're falling over.

464. - If I do that to you, you lean into me. - Yeah.

465. So you know it's gonna happen.

466. The car reacts to you in exactly the same way.

467. It's like, if you walk up behind a vicious dog,

468. if you talk to the dog on the way up,

469. it won't be caught by surprise and it won't do something unpredictable.

470. Obvious, really.

471. Jackie had just over an hour to shave off those last four seconds

472. and get me down to 2:06.

473. - Go for it! - Yes, yes, that's good!

474. More power, more power.

475. Full power. Steer the angle off.

476. Steer left. Good. Better this time. Gently off the power.

477. On power. Good.

478. - Yes! - That's good. 2:09.

479. I'd absorbed all the master's advice.

480. I just needed to have faith in the speeds he said, the car could do.

481. Over there. Power on.

482. Not quite good enough. One more lap. Full power.

483. - Yes! Yes! - Good! Very good!

484. Turn it in, turn it in.

485. Power on, angle off, steering angle. Good.

486. Good lap so far. Keep going. In more. Kick it out.

487. Full power. Full!

488. You've just done two minutes, 6.74.

489. Hang on, let me just...

490. You've done it!

491. - Have I? - Yep.

492. You've done 6.7.

493. Yes! Yes! I knew it!

494. - Well done! Well done, mate!

495. Captain Quite Fast!

496. Can I... Can I just say,

497. watching that, you hardly spoke at all!

498. Ah! Yes, I meant to apologise for that.

499. The thing is, I was concentrating so hard on learning to drive,

500. - I forgot that I was a television presenter. - Yes. Evidently.

501. Did you forget to remember what the TVR was like?

502. Actually, I rather liked it.

503. In the old days, a TVR, you'd have thought,

504. "That's a ticket to a festival of plastic death!"

505. Actually, I thought it was good and it handled really well.

506. Sir Jackie Stewart said it handled well.

507. - She's a discerning woman!

508. It's just a shame, of course, that the factory's closing down.

509. It is, we could dwell on that for ages,

510. but we must now put a star in our brand new reasonably priced car.

511. When our guest tonight first came here,

512. he was so spectacular, we named a corner in his honour.

513. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sir Michael Follow-through.

514. - How are you? - All right?

515. - Good to see you again. - Have a seat!

516. Michael Gambon is here!

517. Ooh.

518. What a man!

519. Now, I've gotta be honest.

520. I've gotta be honest. I'm very surprised you came back,

521. after your last visit here.

522. Well, I thought I was a huge success.

523. You, a huge success!

524. I'm a household name because of that corner, Gambon Corner. Everyone knows it.

525. Judy Dench is after me.

526. Judy Dench fancies you, because...

527. She fancies me like mad, because of that, it makes me very butch.

528. We've got a clip, actually, here,

529. which we can show to you of what we're on about

530. for those of you who weren't watching Top Gear way back...

531. Here he goes.

532. Okay, we're off the road and then...

533. Nearly roll it over.

534. I mean, seriously, we've had some even more spectacular offs.

535. I think that was the fourth ever Top Gear.

536. We thought, "We've just killed the Singing Detective."

537. I know, about time someone killed him.

538. Of course, since then Harry Potter's come along.

539. Yeah, I'm Dumbledore.

540. Richard Harris did two films, then he died.

541. I'm now on my third.

542. Do you understand the first thing that's been said in Harry Potter?

543. I read the script and learn the lines and I try to understand it.

544. I have to understand it, don't I? Sort of.

545. Quite often I don't know what's going on in other films I do.

546. Such as, Layer Cake, did you know what was going on in that?

547. - No idea. - Really?

548. And then when I did Gosford Park,

549. I must admit I hadn't read it before I started shooting.

550. I sat down on the first day at the dinner table with Maggie Smith

551. and the whole cast and I thought.

552. "I don't know what's going on!"

553. I thought my wife was Maggie Smith.

554. But it wasn't.

555. And all through the scene, I was making eyes at her

556. and she said, "Who are you looking at?"

557. - You still do plays, presumably? - I do plays.

558. This year I'm doing my best play ever.

559. It's a play by Samuel Beckett and it's half an hour long.

560. Isn't that brilliant? And I don't speak.

561. There's one voice going on a tape recorder all through it,

562. that's Penelope Wilton.

563. That's recorded, so I sit there by myself and listen.

564. - You sit on a... - I sit on a bed.

565. - All by yourself? - By myself.

566. - For half an hour and don't say anything? - Wearing pyjamas.

567. Do people come and see this?

568. They reckon it's the greatest play ever written.

569. How? You? Do you have to react then?

570. Well, there's a video camera projecting my face onto a scrim, 30 foot high.

571. It comes in in nine stages. Closer and closer.

572. I can't move my face or it will look like an explosion.

573. I must keep very still.

574. And then act without moving?

575. And act at the same time. It's very difficult.

576. Without talking or moving.

577. Without talking or moving. That's hard.

578. - That's why they got me for him.

579. Can you look guilty without moving?

580. - Can I look guilty? - Yeah, guilty.

581. I look guilty all the time.

582. - Erm...

583. I must say, I tried acting the other day

584. for something which is coming out later.

585. - I could do angry. I find angry very easy. - That's easy.

586. Then they said, "Can you be tender?"

587. - "No."

588. - Bond. - I could be Bond.

589. You were going to be Bond!

590. Well, I was interviewed for Bond when I was young.

591. - By Cubby Broccoli? - Yeah.

592. We went upstairs and sat at the table and I said... I laughed.

593. I said, "I can't be James Bond." He said, "Why not?"

594. I said "Well, I've got tits and double chin, no teeth."

595. "And a bald head." He said, "Oh, so has Sean Connery."

596. Well, it's...

597. I said, "How would you cover the tits?"

598. He said, "We'd just put the leather bags, full of ice on there.

599. "Just before the take. They go..."

600. What, Sean Connery you're saying, is a woman?

601. Well, that's what I was told.

602. I mean, let's be honest.

603. You are actually quite famous, for making stuff up in interviews.

604. - Stories. - Yeah.

605. Well, you have to. I hate interviews.

606. Oh, God. Sorry.

607. Well, I do, and it's awful, so I just tell lies.

608. So if someone... I know you did once tell an interviewer

609. you were a member of the Royal Ballet.

610. Yeah, I said I was a ballet dancer at Royal Ballet.

611. - What are you laughing at?

612. And he said, "Why did you give it up?"

613. I said, "I fell off the stage at the opera house

614. "and went through a kettle drum."

615. Then you said to someone else you were gay.

616. Yes. I said I was gay.

617. The man said, "You played Oscar..." I played Oscar Wilde.

618. He said, "Did you find that difficult?" I said, "No, I didn't."

619. He said, "What about the homosexuality?"

620. So that annoyed me, you know? And I said,

621. "Well, I found that very easy because I used to be a homosexual."

622. And he was so thick, you know.

623. I said, "But I was forced to give it up."

624. And then he asked the question.

625. He said, "Oh, why was that? Why was that?"

626. I said, "Because it made my eyes water."

627. It's true.

628. And I thought he'd laugh, but he didn't.

629. - He's so... - He wrote it down.

630. There are those press junkets as well when you go round,

631. telling there's a marvellous opportunity to lie,

632. - when they launch a film. - Yeah.

633. - Actors have to move around... - I've done a lot of that.

634. You get an interview every 10 minutes with a video camera

635. and they queue up outside the door in some posh hotel.

636. But all us, actors, before we do it, give each other tasks.

637. And one of my tasks on Sleepy Hollow,

638. Johnny Depp told me

639. I had to get Claudia Schiffer's knickers

640. into my reply for each question.

641. - Every... - Every question.

642. - Every question!

643. - Did you manage it? - Easy.

644. Now the great thing is, of course,

645. is that you actually trained as an engineer, didn't you?

646. Yeah, yeah.

647. - That's your sort of first love. - Yeah, my passion!

648. - You know that Prodrive we've got today? - Yeah.

649. - Do you understand there's a difference? - Of course, everyone does.

650. - You don't. - Yes.

651. It's just two cogs rotating.

652. One wheel goes faster than the other.

653. - Yes, I know. - But this has electronics inside, doesn't it?

654. He should be a presenter.

655. I'm surprised you're presenting this programme

656. and you don't know about the Prodrive.

657. I don't know how it works!

658. You'd be astonished.

659. - I do know, I do know... - Everyone here does.

660. - No, I'm...

661. - Okay, well, we'll talk about cars then. - Yeah.

662. You can give us a comparison.

663. How is our new car compared to our old one?

664. Oh, I think, it's easier to drive.

665. - Really? - Yeah.

666. Well, we're gonna find out now.

667. Oh, God, please, don't show this.

668. Who'd like to see Michael having a practise?

669. - No one. Yes!

670. Let's have a look at this. Let's have a look.

671. Where are we here?

672. It looks like second-to-last corner.

673. Yes, it is, second to last.

674. Just before Gambon!

675. I was so frightened. Look at that poor old man.

676. Are we ready to see the full lap now?

677. Yes! - Play the tape.

678. That was an aggressive start.

679. Ooh, there's one in there somewhere. You got it.

680. How old are you now, if that's not a rude question?

681. - Twenty-eight. - Twenty-eight?

682. Clear. Well, that's now...

683. Well, that was actually cutting that corner

684. but since it's slippery through that I'll let you off.

685. A relaxed driving style, I would say.

686. But aggressive. That's quick.

687. And into the Hammerhead. Not cutting this one.

688. Gonna kill the cameraman. No, he's running away.

689. That's all right.

690. God!

691. This is where Stig... Did he tell you to go flat out?

692. Yeah. Look.

693. And you are doing flat out through here? - Yeah.

694. Whoo!

695. Moved the camera.

696. Closer. Here we go, he's coming up to Gambon, everybody!

697. Your own corner!

698. He's gone right around!

699. Across the line!

700. It is...

701. What is it with that corner?

702. I don't know. I just don't like it.

703. Anyway, last time you were here in the Liana. 1:55.

704. Terrible.

705. You did it in the Lacetti,

706. in one minute...

707. Due to the unique way the BBC is funded,

708. the pen doesn't work.

709. That increases the tension. No, no, no! I shall manage.

710. One minute...

711. 55 to beat, remember? Your last time.

712. 50.3!

713. So, there we are, ladies and gentlemen!

714. Exactly the same as... In fact...

715. I'm feeling generous. I'll put you above him.

716. Well done.

717. So, ladies and gentlemen,

718. - Michael Gambon! - Oh!

719. Thank you so much for coming.

720. Now, the car that I've been most looking forward to driving this year

721. is not the new Ferrari 599

722. or the Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder!

723. No, it's this!

724. The new Citroen C6.

725. Unfortunately, as it turns out,

726. Jeremy has also been looking forward to driving the new Citroen C6.

727. And, well, he's bigger than me, so he's done it.

728. This is the old Citroen CX.

729. And it was mad in every way.

730. The stereo is vertical.

731. The indicator switch is here and it doesn't self-cancel.

732. And the brakes work like a switch.

733. They're either off like now

734. or they're on like...

735. Trying to drive this car through a town

736. was like trying to wire a plug while wearing boxing gloves.

737. It was always going to end in tears.

738. Oh, no indicators.

739. Great. Sorry.

740. Oops, sorry.

741. But you know what, I loved it.

742. I love the one-prong steering wheel,

743. the softness of the seats,

744. the softness of the suspension and the space!

745. There was enough room back here to stage a small tennis tournament.

746. The CX was just so different, so left-field.

747. And that's why I was sad six years ago,

748. when Citroen announced that they'd stop making big insane cars for good.

749. Only now, they're back.

750. The original sketches for what they had in mind

751. show something radically different to the BMW and Mercedes norm.

752. Something not at all German.

753. And this is what resulted.

754. It's been toned down a bit from those original drawings,

755. but it still has four pillarless doors,

756. a concave rear windscreen,

757. and suspension that lets it move about while it's standing still.

758. It's the same story with the interior.

759. If you go for the cream leather, it's a pleasant place to sit.

760. Much more Paris than Berlin.

761. And that's all very nice but where is the lunacy?

762. Yes, it's got double glazing so it's very quiet, and yes,

763. it's got a head-up display, and yes, there's a feature in the seat

764. that vibrates if I stray over the white lines.

765. Which is nice if you're a bachelor.

766. But I want it to feel completely different to any other car.

767. I want to start it by licking a panel here on the steering wheel.

768. I want the gear lever to be made from rhubarb

769. and just stick out of the sun visor.

770. I want to feel like I'm in a Salvador Dali painting and it's all melting.

771. So how does it stack up?

772. Is this an indicator?

773. Yes, it is. It shouldn't be.

774. That should be the boot release.

775. The indicator should be in here somewhere. It's all wrong!

776. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

777. As a car, it's conventional too.

778. It's front-wheel drive, rather than side-wheel drive.

779. And prices start at £29,500

780. rather than 29,500 zargs.

781. The steering wheel is circular.

782. The seats are German-hard

783. and while there is enough space in the back for me,

784. there isn't enough to take a dog for a walk.

785. And you should be able to do that in the back of a big Citroen. You should!

786. So it's beginning to look like the cheese-eating surrender monkeys

787. have bottled it.

788. And now we get to the most disappointing thing of them all.

789. The handling.

790. A big Citroen should flop about like a boat.

791. But this, I'm afraid, goes around corners

792. rather well.

793. So does this mean they've tuned it solely on hydro-pneumatic

794. complicated suspension for cornering

795. rather than comfort?

796. Cos that really would be the final nail in its coffin.

797. Well, to find out, we've dreamed up a rather unusual test.

798. For years, television camera crews covering horse racing events

799. used Citroens.

800. And that's why we're at Towcester Races today.

801. You see, the 2:30 race today will be covered by two cars.

802. The first eight furlongs. from camera

803. mounted on the roof of the C6.

804. And the second eight furlongs from the camera

805. mounted on the BMW 5 series.

806. This is the surface they'll be driving on.

807. Rutted. Pot-holed. Broken.

808. Right, the horses are ready.

809. The bets are placed.

810. The punters are eager for the off.

811. So let's go over now to our commentator, Jim McGrath.

812. Well, as an experiment,

813. I'm throwing away the binoculars for this race

814. and relying solely on the pictures from the camera on the moving vehicle.

815. And they're coming in. And they're off!

816. And in the very early stage

817. is going on here is Andy Gin who's up vying for the early lead

818. with the Signature Tune.

819. Just behind him, the Black Thorn on the near side.

820. Then followed by Signature Tune and Hunting Lodge

821. and Dorney's Well from Mason and Malagavoy.

822. And the Citroen's pneumatic suspension

823. absorbing the bumps nicely there.

824. This is unbelievably smooth.

825. As they continue on the far side,

826. it's still Black Thorn who makes the running

827. from up there on the outside and Andy Gin

828. and behind them is Signature Tune and Hunting Lodge.

829. It's like driving over silk!

830. And that's a rough, old track.

831. But the Citroen is riding it well.

832. Time now to hand over to the BMW. See how it gets on.

833. And it's Black Thorn who shows out with a noseband by couple of lengths here.

834. Signature Tune is up there, that's um...

835. Oh, oh dear, it's erm...

836. Very bumpy now.

837. It's, er... Well, you can see that better than I am!

838. The last time they came into the home straight,

839. it was, er, Black Thorn.

840. But Andy Gin up on the outside.

841. I'd love to tell you what's happening, but I can't!

842. Last time I saw it, it was Andy Gin in front.

843. But frankly,

844. I haven't got a clue who've actually won.

845. I do. It was the Citroen.

846. Obviously, for when your hair's on fire, you need the BMW,

847. but for comfort, the C6 is just uncanny.

848. Hold it, hold it.

849. Let me make sure I've got this right.

850. You're saying, you'd buy the Citroen,

851. if it's your job to cover the horse racing.

852. - Yeah. - If you do anything else, you'd have a BMW.

853. What I'm saying, in essence,

854. is that it's not as mad as I was hoping it would be.

855. But really it's...

856. If you want comfort more than speed, this is the car for you.

857. But isn't the worry with the big Citroen always

858. that you just lose all your money?

859. I rang Citroen about that, talked to a man.

860. And I said, "What are you gonna do to stop that?"

861. And he said, "Ah-ha! We will buy back anybody's Citroen C6

862. "when they're finished with it."

863. - Really? - Yep.

864. - Guaranteed to buy it back. - For how much?

865. He wouldn't tell me.

866. So, it could be 25p.

867. It could be 25p,

868. but there's no more comfortable way of losing your money.

869. And now we must move on to do the Cool Wall!

870. Yeah, It's the Cool Wall!

871. Yeah.

872. And...

873. And we start with the Citroen C6,

874. the car Jeremy has just reviewed.

875. Now, one thing it has in its favour.

876. - Exclusivity. - Absolutely.

877. You'll be looking around...

878. "Let's see who else has got one of these. No. It's just me."

879. It is, and the great thing about driving one of those

880. is everyone will think you are an assassin!

881. Yes, they will.

882. Who's that man?

883. Now, you're gonna have to narrow that down for us, Jeremy...

884. He's French. That Frenchman...

885. You have to focus that a bit more, mate.

886. But what man! What do you mean?

887. The guy who was in Ronin and Leon.

888. - In the films? - Yeah, coolest man in the world.

889. - What's his name? What? - Jean Reno. Jean Reno.

890. Jean Reno? That's annoying cos that's ruined my argument.

891. He's a very good man.

892. Jean Reno would have a Citroen.

893. I know that sounds weird, and that makes it verging...

894. In fact, a super-cool car!

895. Can we move on? Yeah.

896. Can we talk about this? The Peugeot 207.

897. French. Small. Cool.

898. Normally you'd be right. But you're wrong. It's not.

899. - What? - It's not! It's not cool!

900. - It's a Peugeot. - All French super-minis are cool, you know that.

901. Apart from the Peugeot. They make some of the least cool cars in the world!

902. Who's tucked your shirt in?

903. - Me. Why? - Well, there you are. You don't know what cool is.

904. At least I can see where to tuck it in, underneath this...

905. Whoo! - What?

906. It might have been a low blow. Well, for me, it was a high blow.

907. But you see what I mean... What are you doing?

908. - I'm texting Kristin Scott Thomas. - No, you're not.

909. - I am. - Why?

910. Because she is the arbiter of all these things

911. and she will tell us whether this is cool or not.

912. Oh, so you're gonna text? It isn't cool!

913. How do you text?

914. - Oh!

915. Seriously, so somewhere in the world on a film set,

916. a glamorous actress is gonna receive a text

917. from an old man on a car show, asking about a hatchback.

918. - Phonebook. - God, you've got her number.

919. There.

920. How drunk was she when she gave you that?

921. She was tied up, actually.

922. - Have you really sent that? - Yes.

923. And if my bottom vibrates with a text back

924. I'll move it down, but it's cool now.

925. No! Hang on a second.

926. Let's do it the other way.

927. Move it up if she texts you.

928. Yeah! - Thank you.

929. What about this, the Skoda Fabia vRS?

930. Ooh, what are we thinking?

931. - Seriously uncool. - Really? Why's that?

932. - Ugly. - It's a Skoda!

933. - It's a Skoda? - It's a Skoda!

934. Yeah, he's right, he's right. He's got a modern haircut.

935. What the hell has happened to you?

936. Are you treading on one of the cables?

937. No, I stepped on the cable.

938. God. Let's get the makeup girls,

939. so we can get that pulled back down again.

940. Whoo! Jesus Christ. What the hell!

941. What's your opinion on the Skoda?

942. - It's rubbish, isn't it? Skodas are always... - Yes?

943. - It's hideous. - It's hid...

944. It's... It's not hideous!

945. It's not a bad-looking car. It's just...

946. You drive past a bar full of women and no-one's gonna look at that.

947. Well. - It's absolutely ugly!

948. Drive past a bar full of women,

949. nobody's gonna look at you in that.

950. Shirt is what she was saying.

951. This is a deep... All Skodas are deeply uncool.

952. Basically, they're just Volkswagens mean people.

953. - Are we right? - That's it!

954. - Hang on. - What you got your text?

955. - No!

956. - Bear with me. I thought it'd vibrated.

957. Now, Saab 95.

958. - Uncool. - What?

959. - Saabs, they're uncool. - No, no. they're cool.

960. No, they're bought by people who think they're being cool and that is uncool.

961. A Mondeo is actually cool.

962. A Saab. It's just...

963. It's just a Vectra in one of those fashionable suits

964. with no collar made by IKEA or something.

965. They're cool. Or rather, they used to be,

966. cos they've just restyled it for the next year.

967. You wanna see what they've done?

968. They've fitted it with Dame Edna Everage's spectacles.

969. Have they done that? Yeah.

970. So, I saw one of those on the road

971. and I thought somebody had done it to his own car.

972. It's an uncool car, unfortunately.

973. Ooh!

974. Come on, then. Let's see, finally. Has she?

975. She hasn't, has she? - No.

976. "Jeremy? Jeremy who?"

977. Maybe I should've put "Jeremy Clarkson" at the end.

978. - Of Top Gear. - Oh, yeah.

979. - The tall one. - Yeah, the car braggart.

980. But we've got 10, 12 minutes left.

981. - There's time. Course, mate.

982. There's time to save the 207, but now we must move on!

983. Yes. A year ago, Hammond and I had a game of car football

984. in Toyota AYGOs like this one.

985. I lost, and we thought that was the end of it,

986. but no, because World Cup fever has gripped the nation

987. and now the AYGO has a challenger.

988. This is the gauntlet-thrower in question.

989. It's called the Volkswagen Fox.

990. It takes over from the Lupo as the smallest VW you can buy,

991. and the first plus point is you get more for your money.

992. It's bigger in every way than the Lupo but it's cheaper.

993. The basic 1.2 model costs £6,600.

994. £1,300 less than the equivalent Lupo.

995. You can feel the space in here.

996. I mean, it's no Earl's Court but it is good for a car of this size.

997. So good work on the space.

998. But as for the dashboard...

999. Oh, dear.

1000. It must take more work to make something look this boring.

1001. And the plastic?

1002. You know that stuff that holds chocolates in a box of Milk Tray?

1003. Yeah.

1004. This car here has the smallest engine.

1005. A 1.2l petrol

1006. that does 0-60 in 17 seconds.

1007. That is pretty leisurely, but don't think it means a dull drive.

1008. It's got loads and loads of grip.

1009. So you really can chuck it around once you go up to speed.

1010. And it rides really well. It's comfortable.

1011. So there we are, a decent, well-priced small car.

1012. But crucially, nothing in its appearance to suggest it can beat the mighty AYGO

1013. at car football.

1014. The fact is, though, the AYGO should be worried. Very worried.

1015. Because that might be a VW badge on the front,

1016. but that is not a German car.

1017. Oh, no.

1018. In fact, the Fox is from Brazil.

1019. So let's see if their skill has rubbed off on their cars.

1020. And indeed find out if they're good enough

1021. to beat the current Top Gear champions.

1022. In contrast to the shiny new Foxes,

1023. the AYGOs are sporting a few injuries

1024. from their last match.

1025. So I'll captain the Brazilians,

1026. and the Aygos will be led by my old rival Nobby May.

1027. It's a tough one to call, isn't it?

1028. Because the Foxes are definitely the bigger players.

1029. I still think that the AYGO is the more nimble car.

1030. I know what all those football bores will say,

1031. "The Japanese have never been very good at football."

1032. But they're not actually Japanese

1033. cos they're made in the Czech Republic.

1034. And apparently, they're very good at football.

1035. My one worry about this whole thing is that after seeing this,

1036. people aren't gonna be bothered about watching the real World Cup.

1037. - Call! - Heads.

1038. - Heads, it isn't. - Tails.

1039. But I'm gonna let you kick off.

1040. - Really? - Yes.

1041. - Into the wind. - Exactly.

1042. You don't know much about football, do you?

1043. Last time we played this, you called half time "the interval."

1044. James and I

1045. were in the opposing number one cars

1046. and the rest of the team, featured the same mix of stunt and race drivers

1047. from the last AYGO match.

1048. - I don't know if I have mentioned

1049. but the parcel shelf in this is made out of pineapples.

1050. Dunno if that'll help.

1051. We're off! It's a game of football!

1052. The Brazilian skill was immediately obvious.

1053. But the AYGOs hadn't lost their touch.

1054. Fantastic dribbling by May, Number 1!

1055. May's on for the goal!

1056. The Brazilians, though, were bigger and tackled hard.

1057. You fouled!

1058. But eventually the AYGO agility shone through.

1059. Oh, this is the old firm in action. We're all over 'em.

1060. Like cheap suits.

1061. Pass to number 2.

1062. He's found the gap!

1063. Yes!

1064. No!

1065. What a player from the Czech Republic there.

1066. That, mate, was a magnificent choreographed goal.

1067. Yes, yes. Yes, yes.

1068. Don't worry, Brazil, let's not be down-hearted.

1069. We have good qualities. Just speed off the line isn't one of them.

1070. And the AYGOs took full advantage of this fact.

1071. Nice!

1072. Bringing the score quickly to 2-0.

1073. Yes!

1074. It's so chuckable.

1075. It's like having a train with wheels on it.

1076. With my Brazilian Foxes 2-0 down

1077. as the interval approached, tempers started to get frayed.

1078. Ooh!

1079. Ooh!

1080. - But when the horn went.

1081. The score was still 2-0,

1082. leaving the AYGOs over the moon.

1083. Lovely work.

1084. And the Foxes sick as parrots etcetera, etcetera.

1085. Still, the interval was a good time to see how the cars were faring.

1086. His gear lever has come off.

1087. That's a worry, I suppose.

1088. Maybe it's built down to a price.

1089. You rammed me while I was on a run! I didn't.

1090. Once again that was a superb sliding tackle.

1091. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, dear, I'll just...

1092. You can see the difference.

1093. Look. This one isn't really deformed.

1094. So, I mean, these AYGOs are tough, we know that.

1095. - The AYGOs are very, very tough little car, but...

1096. - Yeah. Well, there's that bit. - Apart from that, that is fine.

1097. Not only was James bolshie,

1098. he was also unsporting.

1099. Oi! You cheating great...

1100. The second half...

1101. And boy, did my Foxes have a mountain to climb.

1102. Lovely interception.

1103. Suddenly the hand of God intervened

1104. and the heavens opened.

1105. The wet pitch started to favour the heavier, tougher Brazilians.

1106. Good work!

1107. Number 2 brushed off the AYGOs with a scorching run.

1108. Foxes on a run.

1109. Yes, my Foxes were finally into their stride.

1110. They quickly banged home the equaliser.

1111. No!

1112. Yes!

1113. And then following an AYGO foul...

1114. Oh, that was a big crash!

1115. We were given a free kick.

1116. And took a 3-2 lead.

1117. No!

1118. With full time approaching fast, the game really hotted up.

1119. Ow! That was dirty play.

1120. A fight even broke out

1121. with James bearing the brunt.

1122. - Oh!

1123. Oh, dear!

1124. The scrap left "Wayne" May injured.

1125. Broken me metatarsal.

1126. Ah, that's better.

1127. But this only spurred the AYGOs on.

1128. And with just minutes to go...

1129. They equalised.

1130. Oh, yes!

1131. Ha, ha, ha! It's worthy of the England 1960... Oh, shut up.

1132. We really do need to pull our fingers out here.

1133. The score now at 3-3 and the final whistle imminent,

1134. the agile AYGOs were all over the Foxes' goalmouth.

1135. No!

1136. Our only chance was to smash them out of the way.

1137. It was me versus AYGO 4 down the wing.

1138. Come on, baby!

1139. I'd lost the ball.

1140. Damn!

1141. But number 6 came out of nowhere.

1142. Yes!

1143. - Oh, no!

1144. Odious little man.

1145. We are the winners!

1146. I think...

1147. I honestly can't see how anybody's gonna bother

1148. watching a real World Cup after that.

1149. It was just a better spectacle.

1150. Absolutely. The real thing's dull.

1151. - What're you doing? - I've got a text!

1152. - From Kristin? - Yes.

1153. - Really? - Yes. Here it is.

1154. Go on, then.

1155. Er... Um. It says,

1156. "You know about the restraining order..."

1157. "That includes texts. I'm calling the police."

1158. And on that bombshell it's time to end.

1159. Sadly for the next five weeks we won't be here

1160. cos we're making way for Wayne Rooney's ears.

1161. But we'll be back in July so see you then!

1162. Thanks for watching! Goodnight!