Top Gear 8x3

1. Tonight, I get a hot head.

2. Ow! Ow! I'm on fire!

3. - Richard gets another Top Gear Dog. - Help!

4. And James has some trouble with wind.

5. Hello, and welcome, and we start tonight with a question.

6. Don't you think it's weird that in this great island nation

7. with its proud maritime history,

8. that none of us really drives amphibious cars?

9. We can buy loads of stuff that works on the road and off the road,

10. but there's almost nothing that works on the road and on the water.

11. Why?

12. I mean, how hard can it be?

13. All three of us have gone our separate ways.

14. We've each bought a car.

15. We now have two days in which to make them amphibious.

16. At the end of that, there will of course be

17. a mystery challenge of some sort to see who's done the best job.

18. I've bought this. A Triumph Herald.

19. And here's my idea.

20. Instead of using the engine to power it on the water,

21. I'm going to fit it with a mast and some sails.

22. How brilliant is that?

23. I have no idea what James is doing,

24. nor do any of us have any idea

25. what kind of water we'll be tested on.

26. I think it'll be some sort of river, or maybe a canal,

27. which is why I have bought

28. a camper van which I'm gonna turn into a houseboat of sorts.

29. Yes, it'll be my very own home from home, on land or on water.

30. And there'll be a warm welcome waiting inside wherever I go.

31. It's the most multi-purpose, multi-purpose vehicle ever.

32. Me? Well, I've come to the Solent

33. to see an old friend.

34. His name's Steve Curtis, and he's won

35. the Class One Offshore Power-Boat World Championship seven times!

36. Here's the thing, okay.

37. Amphibious cars to me, the problem has always been,

38. is that, they're too complicated.

39. You've got to get the power to the wheels,

40. and when you go in the water,

41. you've got to stop the power going to the wheels,

42. pull a lever and make it go to the propeller.

43. So why not just get a car, and then put an outboard motor on the back?

44. - Yeah, it's simple. - Yeah, and it would work.

45. Yeah, for sure. What sort of car have you got?

46. Yup. It's a Toyota HiLux pick-up truck,

47. which I chose for two reasons.

48. Firstly, as we've proved with a number of tests on Top Gear,

49. it is completely indestructible.

50. And secondly, that rear end is the perfect mounting point for an outboard.

51. This is a great little outboard because everything's in it.

52. See, what you do, you pop it in there, put this down...

53. It might need to be a little bit longer.

54. Look, I was thinking more Steve, in terms of this, to be honest.

55. In fact, I'm thinking more in terms of

56. two of these rather than one of these.

57. - How many horsepower is that? - It's 2.3.

58. Which'll get you along very nicely.

59. 2.3 is a small amount of horsepower.

60. Honestly, I want this.

61. But don't you just want it to sort of go?

62. That's 225 horsepower.

63. So two, 450 horsepower.

64. That's half the horsepower of a Formula One car.

65. There'll be water, I mean, it's gonna be very...

66. You can't put two on. It's gonna be all over the place.

67. I mean, you'll roll it. It'd just be unstable.

68. Now, Jeremy chose Steve because he's an expert

69. on hydrodynamics, and then set about arguing with him.

70. I chose my expert on the strength of his accent.

71. - We'll extend the stern onto here. - Yeah.

72. So, it'll give you somewhere obviously, for the summer days

73. you can get out, steer the boat on the back.

74. Unlike Jeremy, I was going to run

75. a single small propeller from the van's engine,

76. even though it was only a 1.6 diesel.

77. I mean, it doesn't have to be fast.

78. This isn't a speedboat. I just want it to be able... Well, like a canal boat.

79. Wood, aluminium, bits of rope,

80. clink, clink, clink in the wind,

81. all that, you know, little telltale on the top.

82. So you model that car after your Russell Crowe

83. - Master and Commander style. - Yes!

84. I was adamant that my pick-up truck remain

85. as car-like as possible.

86. Apart from the two big engines, obviously.

87. But Steve insisted it had to have a hull.

88. What does he know?

89. This is complicated.

90. Well, it's a case of, do you want it to go forward in water or not?

91. - Yes! - Well, then, you'll need that little bit.

92. I think we might have to do a little bit to the bottom.

93. I don't think we can leave sort of a wheel...

94. I think we gotta lock off the suspension.

95. - I'm not doing that. - Well, how do you...

96. Because we're in an amphibious car.

97. That means a car that goes in water.

98. If you start locking the wheels off, it isn't.

99. But then, when we go in the water, they'll just drop like that.

100. Meanwhile, James had a much more basic problem.

101. - Looks like, I'll get the lads for a push. - Would you?

102. Hamster! How's it going?

103. Very well, thank you. Very well indeed.

104. What are you doing? What have you got?

105. I don't want to tell you, really, but, it's pretty sleek

106. as a road-going vehicle.

107. And as a boat, I think it's gonna be a winner.

108. I bet it's a Lotus Esprit, isn't it?

109. Well, it's a monocoque.

110. Um, so it has sort of, sporting pretencions.

111. And what are you going in terms of propulsion?

112. A lot of power.

113. I'm going to fully utilise the on board power.

114. Hammond was keeping his cards close to his chest.

115. - Hello? - May?

116. - Clarkson. - Have you heard from Hamster?

117. Yeah, I did, but I can't get much out of him.

118. He's now saying his car is rear engine, but not a 911.

119. I think he's bought a Hillman Imp and he's making a submarine.

120. Put there, and then, another one there!

121. I can't tell you how dangerous and ridiculous...

122. Why would it be dangerous?

123. To try and prove that one motor would be enough,

124. Steve took me out in a single-engine race boat.

125. - And guess who we ran into? - Hey!

126. Brushing up on his sailing skills.

127. There's a boat there called Hey Presto.

128. Oh, there's a boat right here called Puffin. Hello, Puffin.

129. - James! - Clarkson!

130. What are you doing?

131. He's trying to show me that one engine is sufficient.

132. Where are you going?

133. Wherever it goes.

134. I'm just relearning my sailing skills.

135. How long is it since you were in a sailing boat?

136. - 31 years.

137. You utter pirate!

138. Even in this baby racer,

139. we hit 70 miles an hour and caught some air.

140. It was all jolly exciting!

141. But...

142. I still think we need two engines.

143. Sorry, but I do.

144. - Flip that over and bring your left hand. - Oh, yes!

145. To make way for Steve's pointless hull,

146. the bull bar had to come off the Toyota.

147. But this being a HiLux, it put up a fight.

148. I'm taking the exhaust through a pipe,

149. through the van, and out the roof.

150. So, I think, you see? A little finishing touch, a chimney there.

151. Rope thing, yes.

152. That could go on the front quite well.

153. Maybe one of those.

154. And, uh, perhaps a duck.

155. Ow! Ow! I'm on fire!

156. Oh! Ow!

157. Argh!

158. Oh, for God's sake!

159. Right, that's got it!

160. We had one day left to get ready,

161. and our vehicles were far from being seaworthy.

162. Mine was still on fire.

163. Now...

164. We will pick that up later on

165. and find out just how badly it goes wrong for one of us.

166. - But in the meantime, let's do the news! - Yes, absolutely!

167. You know how dogs like to stick their head out the window, in the car?

168. - Yeah. - Well, we've been sent these

169. for Top Gear Dog in case we ever take it in a convertible car.

170. - Yeah. - So, she doesn't get anything in her eyes.

171. They're the latest thing. They're called Doggles!

172. You see, the dog puts them on and there you go!

173. They're not Doggles, they're normal goggles

174. - with the G crossed out and a D put there! - No, no, no!

175. They're goggles. They're not because...

176. They've got a special bit there, you see,

177. so you can put them on, and then, she hooks that bit round her collar,

178. then she can take it off, and then, whenever she wants,

179. then she can just put them on like that...

180. How's she going to put them back on again?

181. - Well... - Ha-ha!

182. They'll have to invent new dog thumbs

183. that they strap onto their paws and then they can...

184. Let's see what she looks like, come on.

185. Top Gear, come on, put these on.

186. Oh, yeah!

187. What do you reckon?

188. She looks pretty cool.

189. Now, we get loads of letters on this show,

190. very angry ones from people who say that

191. we don't do enough affordable cars.

192. You know, family cars.

193. One particularly angry caller last week rang the BBC duty log

194. saying we were a disgrace.

195. Well, Mr Needham, check this out.

196. That is the new Vauxhall Corsa.

197. - And moving on now...

198. Good news! Good news.

199. Because of a water shortage, because of global warming,

200. that means there's a hosepipe ban.

201. No more washing cars! Result!

202. That's not good news!

203. It's not good news!

204. I don't like having a dirty car,

205. and I actually love washing my car.

206. Anyone who washes their car either has a small mind, or an unhappy marriage.

207. I turn it into a family occasion.

208. My eldest daughter is five. She loves cleaning the car with me.

209. - We share it. - Oh, what do you...

210. - Do you live in a yoghurt commercial?

211. - No! It's good fun. - Your car is revolting.

212. The inside of your car especially is what?

213. - Disgusting. - It's like a skip.

214. Everything I've ever bought is in my car.

215. It's as simple as that and it just means that

216. whatever city I go to, I have an A to Z in there somewhere.

217. I've got road maps for everywhere.

218. And then, whatever disease I happen to catch in the car,

219. there is a pill to cure it just in there.

220. The only thing I keep in my car is a little paint brush

221. for cleaning dust out of the switches.

222. You're scaring me, mate!

223. And I always like to have the air vents lined up...

224. - Stop talking now. - So they're completely symmetrical.

225. - And if anybody moves them... - No, stop it!

226. I get really angry!

227. He does genuinely scare me. - He does. Yeah.

228. Properly. Hey, listen.

229. You know those dot matrix signs that you see on the M25?

230. The overhead gantries with messages saying,

231. "Congestion ahead," and there never is.

232. - No, there isn't. - Do you know why?

233. Well, because there's never been any correlation

234. between a dot matrix display and the truth.

235. That's true. - That is true.

236. In fact, I've got a mate with a microwave oven with a dot matrix on

237. and when you cook something in it,

238. it goes "ping" and then it says "Enjoy your meal."

239. Which is extremely unlikely if it's come out of a microwave, to be completely honest.

240. Well, particularly unlikely when I was drying my pants in them the other day.

241. It said, "Enjoy your meal."

242. - In a mate's microwave? - Well...

243. That means you had no pants on in your mate's kitchen!

244. No!

245. How did you get them wet in your mate's...

246. What were you doing?

247. I washed them!

248. He's there with his coffee in the morning you're there with no pants on!

249. - I had my spare pants on. Stop talking.

250. Stop talking.

251. He doesn't have a tumble dryer.

252. I have to get back to it, okay.

253. Because I've done some more checking on this.

254. Okay. Shall I tell you the reason why they do

255. the dot-matrix lying on the M25?

256. It's cause if they put, "Congestion ahead,"

257. it means they can put the low speed limits up.

258. And that triggers the speed cameras. It turns them on.

259. What, at the lower end?

260. If the motorway's clear and empty,

261. it's a 70 mile an hour limit, the cameras aren't on.

262. If they say, there's congestion,

263. lower the limit to 50, the cameras come on at 50.

264. Seriously. That's absolutely not a word of a lie.

265. You're driving on a completely empty motorway,

266. "Oh, sorry, we made a mistake,"

267. but the cameras are on getting you.

268. And there's nothing you can do about it.

269. It's Dick Turpin-ism.

270. It is Dick Turpin-ism.

271. But the fact is, if you went past a speed camera, you're still gonna get done.

272. Hey, listen.

273. My mother, okay.

274. You know I said in the last series I'd buy her a Honda Civic?

275. You did.

276. She's had a test-drive in one and she doesn't like it.

277. Why not?

278. Because she says the gearbox is wrong.

279. - What, you mean, it's not very well spoken? - No.

280. She says that every time it changes gear, you go through the windscreen.

281. And you know what, James? You reviewed this car a couple of weeks ago,

282. I'm surprised you never mentioned that drawback to her.

283. It's quite a big one, that!

284. I didn't really think anyone would be very interested in that.

285. What, that you go through the windscreen every time it changes gear?

286. Yeah, it's a bit sort of consumer-oriented.

287. Anyway, I am now left with a problem, which is, what on earth to buy her?

288. Have you seen this? The Noble M15 maybe?

289. Yeah.

290. - Tell me more. - £75,000.

291. Three litre twin-turbo V6 engine,

292. 185 miles an hour, British built, of course.

293. Naught to 60 in under four seconds in that.

294. She'd go through the back window if you put her...

295. Possibly, yes!

296. Tempting. Tempting, I must say!

297. Uh, maybe. Maybe that's the answer.

298. Uh, now, anyway listen, Lotus has gone mad.

299. Up there in the turnip fields of Norfolk, they have gone insane.

300. I've got a whole raft of them here,

301. which I thought I'd show to you.

302. They're working on a new mid-engined replacement for the Esprit.

303. Put a picture of it there. Check that out.

304. Oh, nice! That does look very nice.

305. That's just a drawing, obviously.

306. They're saying it'll look like that.

307. They've got that.

308. Well, they're working with Volkswagen.

309. It's a tricycle thing, one wheel at the back.

310. This is a seven-seat crossover vehicle,

311. sort of, like, a Volvo XC90.

312. They've got the Europa which is a sort of a softer, bigger Elise.

313. They're working on a low-power, cheaper Elise.

314. And there's a new type of Exige.

315. It's called the S, and it sticks absolutely to the old Lotus philosophy.

316. Simplify and add lightness.

317. Unlike any other car maker,

318. Lotus doesn't ask what the customer might want,

319. they ask, what the customer could do without.

320. And it seems we can do without quite a lot.

321. In fact, there are only two luxuries in here.

322. There's an electric window on the driver's side,

323. and another one over there.

324. And they're optional extras.

325. You really do get a sense from this car that there is no waste at all,

326. that it is basically a road-going go-kart!

327. Other than this ghastly badge here which looks like

328. it belongs on the note-paper

329. of a Middle Eastern hotel chain.

330. It has lights for when it goes dark,

331. a roof for when it rains,

332. and these semi-slick tyres for when it doesn't.

333. - Like now.

334. Now, if you remember, we tested a normal Exige

335. a couple of years ago.

336. It came down here to the track,

337. and it outmanoeuvred a helicopter gunship.

338. And this one is broadly the same on the handling front.

339. God, it's good!

340. Where it's not the same is under the bonnet,

341. because they fitted the 1.8 litre Toyota engine with a supercharger.

342. So now, it has some guts to go with the G!

343. Top speed, 148 miles an hour.

344. Naught to 60, four seconds!

345. It's the fastest accelerating car Lotus has ever made.

346. It's the feel of the thing that impresses most of all.

347. I'm in sixth gear now,

348. 60 miles an hour, foot down, and you can feel

349. this sort of, invisible wave of torque pushing you along.

350. It's like, when you're swimming

351. and you get caught in a current.

352. Ah, where did that come from?

353. Only you don't drown.

354. Oh! This really is one hell of a car.

355. To see how much of a car, I've devised a little test.

356. This is a Ford Mustang.

357. It's made by one of the world's biggest car firms in Detroit, Michigan.

358. Motor city.

359. It's got a 4.6 litre 300 brake horsepower V8 at the front,

360. rear-wheel drive at the back, and a Stig in the middle.

361. And he's lined up alongside

362. a plastic car that was made by some Norfolk turnip farmers,

363. which is being driven by a fat bloke with a dickey hip.

364. Right, stand by for a two-lap race on our short circuit.

365. This is sushi versus a hamburger.

366. Come on, Stig. Keep up with this! Come on!

367. I only have 1.8 litres.

368. He has nearly three times more than that.

369. And twice as many cylinders!

370. I can brake later than him,

371. I can turn harder than him.

372. I get up to power sooner than him.

373. Where is he?

374. I don't know why I keep looking at the rear-view mirror,

375. 'cause all I see through that is engine!

376. Oh, he's miles away!

377. Yes!

378. Norfolk one, Detroit nil.

379. Frankly, the result wasn't really surprising.

380. Because stuff sold by the gram is always going to be

381. more exciting than stuff sold by the pound.

382. Saffron, for example, is more exciting

383. than lard, or charcoal, or manure.

384. As I see it, there are only three drawbacks to this car.

385. It costs £33,000 which is quite a lot.

386. It's pretty noisy when you go past 85,

387. and unless you're as slim and as agile as it is,

388. getting out can be quite undignified!

389. Mostly though, it's just a triumph of British engineering.

390. Wow!

391. It's... I suppose you think this is huge!

392. It's a giant! But hang on.

393. So what you're saying is,

394. small and light is better in every way, really.

395. No! No, I'm not saying that.

396. - That's what you say. - No, it isn't.

397. - You kind of are. - Mmm.

398. Okay, well, we're gonna prove that now by finding out

399. how it does in a full lap of our test track.

400. Yeah, now that means handing it over to our tame racing driver.

401. Some say that his genitals are on upside down.

402. And that if he could be bothered,

403. he could crack the Da Vinci Code in 43 seconds.

404. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

405. And he's off! Slingshot acceleration there,

406. thanks to those slick tyres and the fact that it doesn't weigh anything.

407. Steering down the first corner.

408. Look at that. Completely smooth, completely controlled.

409. Huge... Oh, wait a minute. Got a bit wobbly there, but, Stig's got it.

410. No problem at all.

411. Peter ha cinque anni...

412. Peter is five.

413. Stig must be fluent in irrelevant Italian by now.

414. Here we go. Through Chicago, inside.

415. Look at that! It's absolutely smoking.

416. That's 'cause there's no limited slip diff coming into the hammerhead.

417. Lotus' normally under steer here.

418. That one is as well.

419. Oh, look, it's still smoking there. He's right on the line.

420. Ho bisogno di un taxi.

421. I need a taxi.

422. No, he doesn't need a taxi.

423. He's got this little mosquito to play with.

424. Through the follow-through.

425. That is so quick on those tyres.

426. Now, how quick here? Very quick.

427. This though is probably where the lack of ultimate power

428. might hurt the time.

429. Second to last corner.

430. Here we are. Hard on the brakes,

431. flicks it in, and he's on the ragged edge!

432. And there we go!

433. Amazing. Amazing.

434. Now, that was almost certainly

435. the most economical lap of our track ever,

436. and it did it in 1:25:01.

437. So, look at that.

438. Quicker than a Ferrari 575.

439. Quicker than an M5!

440. So that's where it goes on the power board.

441. Now, let's find where it goes on the cool wall!

442. Yes! There it is!

443. The cool wall. Oh, yeah.

444. And we begin with the Exige. There it is.

445. I want to talk about the colour, first of all.

446. It's in white. It looks brilliant in white,

447. and that's because white is

448. like the up and coming colour.

449. It absolutely is.

450. 911, brilliant in white.

451. Golf GTI, Ford GT...

452. - It's the iPod thing. You know why iPods are white? - Yeah, cool.

453. And because of that, I've now bought a pair of white sunglasses.

454. They're not cool, no.

455. - They're brilliant! They are brilliant. - No.

456. But they're just the exception that's proving the rule.

457. Some things don't work in white.

458. Shoes, for example. White shoes. Teeth.

459. Get off it.

460. - I wondered how long that would take. - That does look fantastic.

461. It does work in white,

462. and we must decide where to put it on the board.

463. Well, it's a brilliant car.

464. A brilliant car, as you showed and it's uncool.

465. It is uncool, it's trying too hard!

466. I'm sorry. Did anyone hear that?

467. No, no, no. You're breaking your own rule.

468. - The Kristin Scott Thomas rule. - What about it?

469. - You're gonna pitch up in that. - Yeah.

470. "Do you want to come out in my Lotus?" No.

471. - I'm sorry, Richard, this is... - No, no, no.

472. Because you have to explain what it is all the time.

473. - You don't. It's a very cute little car. - Yes, you do.

474. It's like a supercar but it's only 30 grand.

475. You'll find yourself going,

476. "Oh, it's practically a supercar. This my dear..."

477. It's not pretty.

478. It's a very brilliant car, and that is an end of it.

479. Yes, am I right?

480. Hands up if you think I'm right.

481. - These are your rules. - You think I'm right.

482. There you are. They agree with me.

483. A man in shorts agrees and that's that decided, is it?

484. You like it?

485. - You think it's good? - Good car.

486. - You think it's cool? - A nice cool car.

487. He's wearing shorts, it's ruined it.

488. From a man in shorts...

489. That is such a shame.

490. That's another British car company up the swanny.

491. What about this? Check it out.

492. That looks all right.

493. I know. It looks okay.

494. It looks okay, this thing, okay.

495. It's got a chassis tuned by Lotus.

496. - They used to be cool before he came along. Spoiled it.

497. Costs less than £6,000.

498. And it's a small car. Small cars are generally quite cool.

499. - And it's called a Proton Savvy! - Oh, it's failed!

500. I mean, savvy means discerning.

501. I've been struggling with this next one.

502. Oh, yeah, that is quite a difficult call.

503. - What do we do? We could put it... - I don't know.

504. - The Nissan Micra.

505. Really, the decision is...

506. How far down?

507. Yeah. Yeah.

508. There. And to be honest...

509. It's cool if you're a girl. - That's being kind... What?

510. - I'm sorry. It's cool if you're a girl.

511. Have you seen your ears?

512. I mean, no, really!

513. I know girls who like pink cars.

514. You know girls is the interesting part.

515. - Is that car cool? - No.

516. - Do you know him? - No.

517. There you go. Let's just find some more...

518. The Nissan Micra in pink. Cool?

519. - No. - No.

520. - I think it's cool. Oh, dear.

521. - Yeah, I'd go with that. - You think it's cool?

522. Why do we invite these people?

523. Why do you ask their opinion?

524. It's really... Trust me on this.

525. If you drive one of those, it's not a cool look.

526. I know about sartorial elegance.

527. - Jaguar XK. Subzero!

528. Well, I'm sorry. Where are we? Who said subzero?

529. - Subzero, you think? - Definitely.

530. Where do you work at Jaguar?

531. Do you like this? Do you work for Jaguar?

532. Yes.

533. I'm afraid it's not cool.

534. It's sad this, isn't it?

535. It's a sad moment.

536. I'm afraid Jaguar still have a whiff of the golf club about them.

537. - They do. - There's that... What?

538. They're copying Aston.

539. They're copying Aston? Well...

540. Hold on a sec. You think it's...

541. I think an Aston Martin looks like an Aston Martin. They're copying it.

542. They've lost all their imagination.

543. They're just copying other cars.

544. Well, no, the thing is, it's designed by the same man, actually, that did it.

545. There you go, then.

546. But you know, if I said you looked like Cameron Diaz,

547. would that make you less cool?

548. No, absolutely not. I totally agree.

549. It's a gorgeous car,

550. but they've lost their imagination. They're copying Aston Martin.

551. - But, now, it doesn't... - They're Jaguar, they're not Aston Martin.

552. Well, she's informed!

553. She has a point, but that's not the problem with it.

554. The problem is, it's the double-breasted nature

555. - of the people who drive them. - Yeah.

556. But, I mean, they've still

557. made it big enough to fit golf clubs in.

558. If they'd made it just too small, like an inch,

559. so you couldn't quite get golf clubs in, it would be cool.

560. Well, I'm afraid it's not cool.

561. And that is so pissing off our director,

562. - 'cause he's just bought one! Yes!

563. Oh, hey.

564. The Koenigsegg, okay.

565. Now you saw this a couple of weeks ago.

566. Came here and nearly killed the Stig.

567. Normally, supercars are uncool.

568. If we look down here,

569. there's the old Koenigsegg,

570. and the Ford GT and so on. They're all down there.

571. But this one is so scary,

572. we think...

573. - We think it's cool. - Yeah.

574. Just 'cause it's dangerous.

575. Because it's so... No, genuinely.

576. Because if you go through the pearly gates backwards in a fireball,

577. that's a cool way to die.

578. I love that vision of just blasting

579. through the gates backwards in a flaming Swedish supercar.

580. Yes, I'm here! Where are the women?

581. Exactly. 'Cause if you get wheeled through the pearly gates

582. with a grey face, and a tube up your nose...

583. - That's bad. - That's cool.

584. Come on in, in your flaming supercar.

585. So, I don't think it's super cool,

586. - but it's certainly cool. Are we right? Yes.

587. That is a cool car.

588. Now, it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

589. My guest tonight is the hard talking, hard fighting DCI

590. in a retro '70s cop drama.

591. Or as James May calls it, that futuristic police series.

592. Please welcome star of Life on Mars, Philip Glenister!

593. Hi.

594. Have a seat.

595. Thank you.

596. Well, well, well.

597. Now, um...

598. Now, listen, you have been in two of my really very favourite dramas.

599. - There's Clocking Off. Fab. Okay. - Oh.

600. - And then, State Of Play. - Right. Thank you, yeah.

601. - And then followed it up with Life on Mars. - I know. Yeah.

602. That must be one of the... In Life on Mars,

603. it must be one of the most fun characters

604. to go and play,

605. to actually be in the '70s.

606. Well, I based it on you.

607. Perhaps that's why I enjoy it so much.

608. The shoes, particularly. Yes, the shoes.

609. I must say I do look at that wardrobe and think that is... - You.

610. - Pretty much the same as the one I've got. - Exactly.

611. I do like the camel coat.

612. Camel coat is great.

613. Apparently, it's on eBay, so there's loads out there.

614. No, it's...

615. It's not. I've got it.

616. And also, the music you've got is so much better than the rubbish now.

617. Well, yeah. I agree.

618. You know, The Sweet for instance, Ballroom Blitz.

619. - What a fantastic record. - Oh!

620. There's a man at the back said, "Everyone attack,

621. "There's gonna be a ballroom blitz."

622. There's a girl in the corner, said, "Boy, I wanna warn you,

623. "there's gonna be a ballroom blitz."

624. - Fantastic song. Great song.

625. - And The Who. - Fantastic.

626. And a lot of Who and a lot of David Bowie.

627. Of course. Yeah, the governor.

628. If I can just be so bold, the thing that spoiled

629. Life on Mars for me a little bit,

630. was the Cortina that you drove.

631. Okay, 'cause the spoiler was two years out of date or something.

632. Worse than that.

633. We've actually got a picture of it which... Now, you see.

634. It's a GXL.

635. - Yes. - And it's billed as a GXL.

636. - And it's got GXL headlamps. - Right.

637. - But the vinyl roof was only available on the 2000E. - Really?

638. Do you know I think you're confusing me for somebody who gives a toss.

639. But this is the trouble!

640. You get all these people in dramas and they work

641. making sure that every Elizabethan button

642. is exactly right, and what have you.

643. But they're not that bothered, just any old car will do.

644. We've got a bunch of sites on the web and everything.

645. Some of the attention to detail that they pick us up on...

646. It's me! Typing away at night.

647. It's got the E badge on the back. It can't...

648. Do you know what this is, genuinely?

649. It's a Maserati in disguise. I've no idea.

650. No, it's worse. It's worse.

651. What it is, is somebody's cut the front end

652. off a 2000E, which is a later model,

653. shoved the GXL front on it, so it's older than 25 years,

654. so you don't have to pay road tax.

655. You're driving a cut and shut car in a TV...

656. You are!

657. - Damn! - Yes!

658. Now, you've... And also the Allegra.

659. I'll get back on Monday, and I'll tell them.

660. Have you seen your Allegro, your panda car?

661. Yeah, I know. That didn't come in till '76, or something!

662. '79! That's a series three.

663. How do you think we get such good ratings for this show?

664. - It's the attention to detail. - Attention to detail.

665. Mark. I mean...

666. You're doing the second series now, aren't you?

667. We're currently doing the second series.

668. We got the DVD of the first series that's just come out.

669. So, that's on release.

670. And we're filming the second series.

671. Yeah, start back on it tomorrow.

672. Now, you got a BMW three series,

673. - 330, if I'm not very much mistaken? - Yeah.

674. And you say the only thing...

675. wrong with it is,

676. there's not enough room for golf clubs in the boot.

677. That's the only thing right about it, in fact!

678. I take it you're not into golf, Jeremy.

679. - Loathe golf. Do you play golf? - Love it.

680. - Really? - Mmm. I do. It's my...

681. I'm a member of the Stage Golf Society, which is...

682. Second oldest society in the country.

683. - I love Larry Olivier's four at Wentworth. - It's true!

684. It's the only place on a golf course you'll tee off,

685. be like, "Using a three wood, tresh?"

686. - "I'm not sure, love. What do you think?"

687. "Smashing drive, sweetheart." "Thank you, ducky!"

688. - It is... - Yeah.

689. - Fully theatrical? - Oh!

690. And it is a good game, is it? It just seems...

691. It's a very frustrating. It's a great game.

692. I understand why people don't like it.

693. The problem with golf is the people that play it.

694. Yeah, it's the initials thing. you know, C.J.

695. - you don't address him by his initials... - Yeah, I mean...

696. You know, I've been to committee meetings

697. where they've discussed the length of your socks.

698. Yes. Machine-gun them...

699. Well, you just think...

700. Do we wonder why people hate us golfers?

701. - Now, your lap. - My lap.

702. How'd it go out there? How's the Lacetti?

703. What's that?

704. - The Chevy! - A painting, isn't it?

705. It was a bit... I'm gonna make an excuse here.

706. - It was a bit wet. - Was it?

707. Bit damp out there today.

708. - Trevor Eve will be thrilled. - A bit greasy.

709. Gordon Ramsay will be thrilled, as well.

710. I so wanted to beat Ramsay,

711. 'cause he's so competitive, isn't he?

712. He is very competitive.

713. If you see last week, he was like, "Yes!"

714. You describe yourself as a brilliant driver.

715. - "Safe and very careful." - Naturally.

716. It's a bit like cheap and cheerful, that.

717. It doesn't really go together.

718. Oh, you're right, actually.

719. Did you do your own driving in Life on Mars?

720. - Did a lot of it, yeah. - Really?

721. Well, you get a special thingy.

722. One of those HGV things.

723. - Have you got a knob on it? - Yeah.

724. - Love that!

725. Handbrake. Knob.

726. - I want a... - Knob. Handbrake.

727. I'd love a knob on a steering wheel.

728. Come on our show. There's loads of them.

729. - Shall we have a look at the lap? Yeah!

730. Let's play the lap.

731. See what's what.

732. Oh, it is wet.

733. This is the one, baby, baby.

734. I've never suited hats.

735. - How was the Stig? Was he kind to you? He was good.

736. - That's very neat. - Come on.

737. Swearing a bit.

738. Gordon Ramsay been giving you lessons of how to go around Chicago?

739. This doesn't look safe and careful to me, it looks...

740. Now, we going to under steer here. Yes, we are!

741. First time I'd done that bend badly.

742. Now, here we go. Now, this is it.

743. Did you keep your foot down?

744. Yeah, I think I did. Look at the face.

745. Foot down, foot down. You didn't lift here.

746. You promise... Oh, my God, that's wide through there!

747. - There you go. - Yes.

748. No, it's impress... You see?

749. In the wet.

750. I'm real... Oh, this has slowed down a bit.

751. In fact, are you now moving?

752. - That's the slow... Oh, no! You've slowed the film down!

753. What happened there?

754. What were you doing when you crossed the line?

755. Yeah.

756. Well, it's because on the five practice goes I had,

757. I just kept spinning off that last bit.

758. The Stig said get into second, so I did.

759. There's a world of difference between spinning off, and slowing down to...

760. It felt a lot faster when I was doing it!

761. Even Terry Wogan was faster through that...

762. No! Oh, God!

763. No, I'm sorry. That's not true actually.

764. Terry Wogan wasn't that slow through there, but...

765. Anyway, where do you think you've come?

766. You're our first wet lap.

767. So that does add a bit of time.

768. I don't think it was too good.

769. I reckon down between Rick and Jimmy.

770. No, not down there.

771. You were quicker than Rick Wakeman.

772. You did it in 1:54:03. There you go!

773. - And it's wet!

774. - And it's wet! - There's a "W".

775. Okay.

776. That is a "W".

777. - Ah! - Pleased with that?

778. Well, I mean considering it was a bit damp out there.

779. I think that was pretty good.

780. Only if you'd just kept your foot down a little bit more

781. - on those last two corners, you'd have been there. - I know.

782. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,

783. - thanks very much for coming, Philip Glenister! - Thank you.

784. Now, earlier on, the three of us embarked on a noble quest

785. to build ourselves an amphibious car each.

786. I'm happy to say that after some swearing,

787. and a good deal of knuckle scuffing, we did it!

788. Yup! And then we were all asked to meet up

789. at the Keele Services on the M6 motorway,

790. where we were set a challenge.

791. I was the first to arrive in my Toy-boata HiLux.

792. Which, as planned, still looked and worked like a car.

793. Except for the welded up doors and the outboard, obviously.

794. Morning.

795. Now, as you can see,

796. I lost the battle to have two engines on the back for three very good reasons.

797. One, weight.

798. This is 600 pounds.

799. And that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate.

800. Two, space. There really isn't room to get two side by side.

801. And three, cost.

802. 13,000 quid this costs.

803. Richard was next to turn up.

804. I thought he had a Lotus!

805. What, in the name of all that's holy, is that?

806. You said it was sleek!

807. Ah!

808. Where's he gone?

809. Oh, his door's...

810. - I love that! - What do you think?

811. It's my narrow boat!

812. So, has it got all the...

813. - It's all there! Yeah! - It's got a cooker and everything?

814. Yeah, I can cook me tea!

815. This is my prow, so it cuts through...

816. I'll be honest with you, I've added a bit of weight.

817. - But it, um... - How much weight?

818. Couple of tons. Um, but it looks...

819. - Couple of... - Tons.

820. If you look at my car from the front...

821. - It's a car. - Unaltered.

822. Is it gonna be fast?

823. 40 knots.

824. - That's really fast. - Really fast.

825. Yeah. No, no. You will look quite good.

826. - To a point where... - Obviously.

827. Where you're killed.

828. Look.

829. How've you kept the water out of the vehicle?

830. Keep the doors shut. Weld the doors up.

831. - You've welded the doors? - Yeah.

832. I've welded the doors.

833. Now, you see, Richard.

834. - What? - Well, if you...

835. I've done quite a lot of that. That's foam.

836. - To give it buoyancy. - No, I haven't done that.

837. So, you think that left to its own devices,

838. a Volkswagen camper van will float?

839. It's like a narrow boat in shape.

840. - A narrow boat's just a big box. - Goodbye.

841. We were then interrupted by the arrival of Dame Ellen May.

842. It's James May!

843. What has he done?

844. - Avast, landlubbers! - What's that?

845. - It's a sailing boat. - It's not, James!

846. It's not a sailing boat.

847. It's a Triumph Herald with a twig sticking out of it!

848. Yeah. It's um... - Is this teak? No.

849. Yeah. No, it's not.

850. It's plywood with biro marks on it.

851. You can mock it all you like. It's gonna work.

852. Right. The one thing you need in a sailing boat,

853. - I know this, is a keel. - Yes.

854. - Where's your keel? - Where's your keel?

855. If I put a keel on, you'd have to cut grooves

856. in all the roads of Britain so that I could drive.

857. So you have no keel? - I have no keel.

858. He's going to put up his sail.

859. The first breath of wind, and he'll just go...

860. But this wasn't James' most immediate problem.

861. I just drove under a tree.

862. - Oh, God. Have you broken it? - Yeah.

863. I've got to go back up there,

864. and find the bit that fell off.

865. While James mended his mast,

866. Richard and I settled down in the damper van for a nice cup of tea.

867. Lovely.

868. - What's that? - It's Towpath Talk.

869. Is it interesting?

870. A lot more interesting than watching him fix his mast.

871. You got more? What's this?

872. - Um, there's probably a... - "Your Place in the Country."

873. A caravanning magazine.

874. What I did was stock it with a library

875. that says everything about this vehicle.

876. What you've got is Camping and Caravanning

877. and Canals, all in one bit of travel.

878. That's what it's about.

879. - You've got this one as well, have you? - Yeah.

880. Come on. You wouldn't be doing this sitting on the back

881. of your ridiculous pick-up, would you?

882. No, I wouldn't. No, I wouldn't.

883. Do you know the amazing stuff about this canal decoration?

884. I'm more interested in why you bought this.

885. What is it?

886. Pair of useless, scurvy dogs.

887. Finally, we were ready for our challenge.

888. This is the challenge, gentlemen.

889. "You must drive your amphibious cars..." Yours isn't.

890. "To Rudyard Reservoir."

891. - Reservoir. - A reservoir near Leek.

892. So we've gone from Keele to Leek.

893. "And drive them all the way across the two-mile stretch of water."

894. - Two-mile stretch of...

895. - Two miles. - If it's two miles, it could be choppy.

896. Yeah.

897. Doesn't bother me, I'm doing 40 knots.

898. Doesn't bother me. I've got infinite wind power and a very stable craft.

899. Mount up, gentlemen.

900. Oh, yeah!

901. - Yeah!

902. And we set sail!

903. Or set road.

904. It was only 20 miles to the reservoir.

905. What could possibly go wrong?

906. Now's the time I could be quite honest, really,

907. about some of the aspects of this car.

908. The ride is...

909. Appalling.

910. I told Curtis,

911. "Don't weld the suspension up!"

912. So, he hasn't. He's just fitted solid shock-absorbers.

913. I had other issues.

914. When it was new,

915. it had 70 horsepower, there or thereabouts.

916. Let's assume it's now got about 40.

917. With the additions I've made,

918. this now weighs two and a half tons!

919. This is the slowest thing in the world!

920. But not as slow as James.

921. There we are in top gear,

922. 35 miles an hour.

923. I'm sorry. I don't have time for this!

924. That's 50.

925. In the traditional spirit of Top Gear comradeship,

926. we left James behind.

927. Jeremy appears to be having quite a bouncy ride.

928. Meanwhile, my lack of power really was becoming a problem.

929. Help!

930. I'm trying to get up a hill!

931. I just went under a very low telephone cable there.

932. So, I suspect that James could easily plunge

933. the whole of Stoke-On-Trent into the Middle Ages!

934. To miss overhead obstacles, James had lowered his mast.

935. But this was cheating, and soon, he was punished with engine failure.

936. The other problem is...

937. I can't actually open the bonnet because I've had to seal it

938. in an attempt to keep it floating without the nose going down.

939. I didn't tell the others this 'cause I didn't want them to mock me.

940. Meanwhile, back at the convoy.

941. - No!

942. - Not now.

943. Wait! I've died. I've died.

944. - Goodbye. - No! Come on!

945. They've failed. Frankly.

946. Maybe their cars will work on water.

947. But we'll never know 'cause they'll never get there.

948. I managed to get it going again, but not for long.

949. Engine's stalled.

950. No brakes. Limited steering.

951. I'm gonna have to ditch it.

952. Oh. I think we've overheated.

953. We've lost oil.

954. Water.

955. Diesel.

956. Blood, pus, the lot really.

957. James, rather thoughtfully, chose to have

958. his second breakdown right next to me.

959. What is it, me hearty?

960. Engine issues.

961. - Yes. - That's the front.

962. The radiator is sort of there,

963. but then it goes down a bit further.

964. Then, there's the grills.

965. - I'm beginning to understand. - Then what we've done is...

966. - There's no cooling at all. - Blocked it up.

967. So I've made these buoyancy aids

968. that are around here made out of this foam,

969. but I've also done it under the front

970. and I think it's blocked the radiator.

971. Right, we've both done the same thing because we're stupid.

972. So, we each had a cup of tea

973. and waited for the engines to cool.

974. Soon, the damper van was as good as new.

975. It's fine! It's fine!

976. Yeah!

977. James had been told to put his mast back up,

978. and was running well, too.

979. And so, in Newcastle-Under-Lyme, our convoy regrouped.

980. Oh, God.

981. I can't smell my own car overheating because of that.

982. Oh, trees!

983. James, watch out for the trees.

984. Trees, trees!

985. Trees! James, trees!

986. Uh-oh, trees.

987. Then, the inevitable happened.

988. Where's May?

989. James, you've just gone the wrong way.

990. Then, more inevitable happened.

991. Hammond, you've got big smoke coming. No, no. Stop.

992. Never mind. Things could be worse.

993. Oh, cock.

994. Oh, no.

995. And I've stalled and I've overheated.

996. Sorry, mate. I'm sorry.

997. Meanwhile...

998. One person breaks the speed limit and we've got the best shot.

999. - Come on! - This could take days.

1000. They're a very law-abiding bunch.

1001. They are! I've never seen anyone drive so slowly.

1002. All doing 29.

1003. Eventually, we were back on the road and in the Peak District.

1004. That's "Peak" as in hills.

1005. And hills were a big problem for Hammond.

1006. The really embarrassing thing is,

1007. it's slightly faster like this.

1008. The gloating will be endless.

1009. Wonder how James is doing?

1010. Well, this is more like it.

1011. Performance has improved dramatically.

1012. I'm really bowling along.

1013. Finally, Hammond and I arrived at the reservoir.

1014. Now, While we're waiting for James, I should explain it's March.

1015. It's the coldest March for 20 years because of global warming.

1016. And that means the water into which we shall be driving is...

1017. - Well, how would you... - Let me tell you.

1018. - Ah!

1019. The big question was which would arrive first?

1020. Summer or James May?

1021. Where is he? I dunno.

1022. I mean, he's gotta show up at some time.

1023. I can only just see the mast!

1024. - Just the mast!

1025. Look at it.

1026. Have you had a few problems?

1027. No. I just had to make a bit of a detour.

1028. Low bridge. You know?

1029. Mast.

1030. Where's he going?

1031. Watch this.

1032. Brace! Brace!

1033. It works!

1034. That is really annoying.

1035. I've got a rudder.

1036. It did indeed work, for a few moments.

1037. But before I could hoist my sails,

1038. I drifted into some weeds and got stuck.

1039. Then it was my turn.

1040. Life jacket.

1041. I was grateful when I saw the water line

1042. I'd insisted on only having one engine.

1043. Can you give me a tow before you sink?

1044. No, I can't give you a tow. I'm leaking!

1045. I, however, was about to launch

1046. into a world of issues.

1047. I've bolted my propeller to the flywheel.

1048. There he goes.

1049. And as I drove in,

1050. it hit the ramp.

1051. And broke.

1052. So I was in the water with no drive,

1053. but that was the least of my problems.

1054. Oh, no! It's sinking!

1055. Um...

1056. Yeah, mine hasn't worked.

1057. Can you come and give us a tow?

1058. No, mate! My engine doesn't work!

1059. Those incompetent co-presenters I have.

1060. With James still in the weeds, and Hammond going down fast,

1061. I opened the taps on my outboard and went for a test drive.

1062. Oh, yeah. This is nice.

1063. Manoeuvrable, comfortable.

1064. It just works.

1065. Did you want tea or coffee?

1066. Tea, please, mate.

1067. It works, but really, this is top speed.

1068. That's annoying.

1069. Richard wasn't going anywhere

1070. unless he found some power.

1071. - I've got a spare outboard. You are joking!

1072. I have. How much would you give me?

1073. A million pounds.

1074. - A million? - And a leg.

1075. Take your pick, either leg.

1076. Oh, yes! Now, what do I do?

1077. Oh, God.

1078. So could he get the engine on and working

1079. before his damper van sank?

1080. How do I start it?

1081. Could he make it to the other side of the lake?

1082. Pull!

1083. Please!

1084. Could James? By this stage, he'd got his sails up.

1085. He was out of the weeds and under way!

1086. Just...

1087. Ow!

1088. Mind you, he was going faster than Hammond.

1089. Yes!

1090. It's moving! I'm moving! It's a boat!

1091. Rolling.

1092. Finally, we were off!

1093. Two miles.

1094. Frankly, I've won this.

1095. Come on, baby!

1096. Come on, wind!

1097. Sadly, my exuberance with the throttle

1098. was causing problems for the Toy-boata.

1099. No, no, no!

1100. I've got a massive bow wave at the front!

1101. But Hammond had bigger ones.

1102. No! No!

1103. No!

1104. Ah!

1105. Yes!

1106. Come on, baby!

1107. This is the moment. Look, it's a Titanic moment! Look.

1108. It's going!

1109. It's going!

1110. Oh, no!

1111. Oh, no!

1112. Hammond, how much?

1113. - For what? - A lift.

1114. I'll give you a million quid, or this bucket.

1115. What do we think, viewers?

1116. Oh, come on! I'm going down!

1117. - Where's May? - I don't know!

1118. What do you think I'm worried about right now?

1119. I'm aboard.

1120. Now, get in there and get bailing!

1121. Oh, right.

1122. - I've come up with a problem. - What?

1123. You.

1124. You owe me a million pounds!

1125. While I was on my perilous rescue mission,

1126. James had powered ahead.

1127. I need more wind.

1128. Here we go!

1129. My toy submarine is off!

1130. That's full power.

1131. It's working. It's not working.

1132. No.

1133. It's slow but certain, and I'm not sinking.

1134. Even though we were racing someone travelling

1135. at the slowest speed ever recorded by man...

1136. Oh, come on!

1137. Jeremy still insisted on going at full tilt.

1138. Up! Up!

1139. Rise!

1140. Rise, Toy-boata!

1141. - Ah! - It's coming over the side!

1142. And boats don't do emergency stops.

1143. Ah! Jeremy!

1144. We're going in!

1145. Relax!

1146. Our bailing session meant the tortoise was catching up.

1147. I can see the finish line. It's about, I dunno,

1148. a couple of hundred yards away.

1149. Or about four and a half hours.

1150. So this was it, the final assault.

1151. Coming in hot.

1152. We're nearly there.

1153. Come on, you bitch.

1154. I'm gonna make it!

1155. I just had to turn 'round the pontoon and park,

1156. but I turned too hard and too fast.

1157. That was a mistake.

1158. You make have just overcooked it.

1159. - Richard.

1160. Richard!

1161. It's going over!

1162. That's pretty cold!

1163. That's pretty bloody cold.

1164. I can't believe it!

1165. Two miles, and it goes now!

1166. No!

1167. No!

1168. No!

1169. HMS Clarkson has capsized by the sounds of things.

1170. That is fantastic.

1171. Ah, yeah.

1172. Well, it was a good idea.

1173. It had only one major flaw.

1174. What?

1175. I think I may have won my second Top Gear event.

1176. I simply...

1177. Step off.

1178. If he drives out of the water, I'm gonna kill myself.

1179. Eh?

1180. - Yeah. - Fair enough.

1181. Is that your car? Yes.

1182. It's the wrong way up.

1183. Don't give me technicalities!

1184. Would you agree I made it to the pontoon?

1185. No.

1186. Watch this for a perfect about.

1187. We'll give you a hand.

1188. - That's annoying! That is irritating!

1189. That's annoying. Can you do it?

1190. The clutch has gone.

1191. The clutch has gone? - Oh, he's failed!

1192. No, I haven't failed.

1193. - You have! - No, I'm out!

1194. - You're not out! - I'm on the slipway!

1195. Can I just say, chaps?

1196. One observation I would have,

1197. sailing...

1198. - Really boring!

1199. My favourite thing...

1200. My favourite thing. Did you see as he was trying to get off the Toyota,

1201. he grabbed the back wheel, like that.

1202. You'd have thought, as a hamster, he'd know a wheel

1203. would get him nowhere.

1204. What gets me is I'm 36, I've never sunk in my life.

1205. And then, in one day, I sank twice.

1206. But that does kind of answer the question, doesn't it?

1207. How hard can it be to make an amphibious vehicle?

1208. Very, very hard indeed.

1209. Well, hang on a minute. I thought I did rather well.

1210. Well... Hmm.

1211. Not quite as well as me, though.

1212. No, I'm sorry, James, I'm sorry.

1213. The idea was to build an amphibious car.

1214. Land and water.

1215. On the road, you overheated,

1216. it was confused by bridges and trees,

1217. and you had to get a lift on a tow truck,

1218. and then when we got to the reservoir,

1219. I rescued the hamster twice,

1220. - and still made it to the other side before you. - Ah.

1221. I knew you'd bring that up, but nowhere

1222. in that challenge did it say it was a race.

1223. And, let's be honest, when you got to the pontoon, you were the wrong way up.

1224. - And...

1225. If you booked a holiday on a cruise ship

1226. and it came into harbour upside-down,

1227. you'd want your money back, I think.

1228. He has a point there. He does have a point.

1229. It is a fair point. Okay, now...

1230. The challenge was to see if we could capture the public's imagination.

1231. So, I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll have a vote...

1232. Who thinks which one of us did best? Right?

1233. So, in the interest of fairness,

1234. who thinks Richard's damper van was best?

1235. - Hands up! - I do, okay, just me.

1236. That's uh...

1237. All right! It's just me! Move on!

1238. All those who think that my Toy-boata was best.

1239. That's a smattering of hands.

1240. And all those who think James's Herald yacht was best.

1241. - All right!

1242. Thank you!

1243. It's a fair victory.

1244. It's a fair victory. It's not like I'm a sore loser or anything.

1245. It's just that for going home tonight,

1246. James won't be using the Herald,

1247. because the clutch is gone.

1248. Richard won't be using that,

1249. because it was ruined in the accident.

1250. Whereas because I bought a HiLux, and as we know from here,

1251. they are indestructible,

1252. - I shall be driving this home. Yes, all right.

1253. Yes, thank you all very much for watching.

1254. - Um, it's been, um...

1255. You have broken the indestructible car!

1256. It's not working.

1257. No, it's not gonna work!

1258. And on that bombshell, it's time to end the show.

1259. Thanks very much for watching! Good night!

1260. It's going over!

1261. That's pretty cold.