Top Gear 8x2

1. Tonight, I ruin the tranquillity of the Yorkshire Dales.

2. Richard ruins Iceland.

3. Ya!

4. - And we all ruin a local radio station.

5. Hello and welcome!

6. Now, whenever I'm presented with a group of Corvettes like this,

7. I always think I'm looking at a boy band.

8. They're very good looking, they're cheap and they make a nice noise

9. in a sort of middle- of-the-road-type way.

10. But behind the scenes, they're, all of them,

11. almost completely talentless and a bit flimsy.

12. Look at that.

13. Now, though, there's a new Corvette which has left the band

14. and wants to be taken seriously.

15. Here it is. It's called the ZO6

16. and there's no getting away from the fact that it is very, very fast.

17. And, um, properly loud.

18. Like all Corvettes, it has a V-8 engine,

19. but it's not the 5.7 that we've become used to.

20. Oh, no, this has 7 litres.

21. It's the most powerful engine ever made by General Motors.

22. It turns out 500-brake horsepower

23. and so much torque that I reckon it could probably outrun

24. the fuel that powers it.

25. Let's find out with a quarter mile drag race between the car

26. and a trail of petrol.

27. And if you think that's amazing, watch this.

28. What I'm going to do is put it into fifth gear, okay?

29. Fifth.

30. Stationary. And here we go.

31. Bit of a judder.

32. And we're off, 30 mph.

33. 40.

34. 50.

35. I once did this with a V-12 Aston Martin.

36. That started in fourth and went to 135 mph. Let's see what this can do.

37. That's 100 already. Haven't changed gear.

38. 120. We're in the torque band now.

39. Really shifting.

40. Coming up to 150.

41. And that's 160.

42. And I'm out of runway.

43. In actual fact, this would go from a standstill to 175mph

44. in one gear!

45. So a fairly phenomenal engine.

46. But then it doesn't really have much weight to lug around.

47. That's because its bumpers are made from carbon fibre.

48. The cradle the engine sits in is made from magnesium,

49. and the whole space frame is made from "aluminum," whatever that is.

50. What's more, they've even sacrificed some of the boy band looks

51. in the relentless quest to be taken seriously.

52. There are flaps in front of the front wheels to improve downforce and reduce drag.

53. There's a bigger mouth to improve cooling.

54. And in the exhausts, there are butterfly valves to give a better vocal range.

55. Then there's the engine, which is not only bigger than usual,

56. but mounted lower down and further back.

57. The results of all this are dramatic.

58. Not the most sophisticated handling car in the world,

59. but there's so much brute force, it just doesn't matter.

60. You just use the right foot to get you out of trouble.

61. Jab of throttle. There we go. There it is.

62. Whoa!

63. I am a child!

64. Already I've converted most of the rear tyres into smoke.

65. There's a bit more gone.

66. And it's so controllable, you even have time halfway through a bend

67. to check out your G metre on the head-up display.

68. That was 1.2 G through there.

69. This car really is like Robbie Williams.

70. Who could have guessed that behind the Take That nonsense

71. there was a proper musician trying to get out?

72. They say that it can lap the Nurburgring in 7 minutes and 43 seconds.

73. Now, that is an astonishing time. It really is.

74. It doesn't feel at all like an American car

75. until you turn the sat nav on.

76. It' got a sort of voice thing on it, okay. I'm going to push it. Ready?

77. System is showing the fast food icons.

78. The first thing it goes to, the default setting, fast food!

79. How American is that?

80. It can't find London, can't find France, but it will find you a burger!

81. Chinese.

82. System is showing the Chinese restaurant icons.

83. I've got a good one for it.

84. Iraqi restaurants.

85. Well, that shut her up.

86. The best thing about this car, however, is its price.

87. You see, the ZO6 is £60,000

88. and the Ferrari 575 here is £160,000.

89. And if a Martian came to Earth, he would have the devil's own job

90. explaining why.

91. They both look pretty much the same.

92. They're both front-engined.

93. They're both about the same size and both develop 500-brake horsepower.

94. Both can top 190mph

95. and both can get from 0-60 in under four seconds.

96. So why is there a £100,000 price gap?

97. Well, you know what? After a whole day at the track,

98. I couldn't work it out at all.

99. Heck of a thing. Yeah.

100. So the question has to be, have you worked it out yet?

101. Yes, I have.

102. The Ferrari costs that much because it works on the track and it works on the road.

103. - This only works on a track. - So, you can't use it on the road?

104. No, you can use it on the road, legally, you just wouldn't want to.

105. - Why? - I'm not joking, driving it home

106. after filming that, I made a list of all the things that are wrong with it. Okay?

107. - You have! Crikey! - No, I really have.

108. The drive line is shugged.

109. You know, when you put your foot down, it feels like you're in an accordion.

110. - Back's come off!

111. The radio's rubbish.

112. Low revs, the engine. Honestly, it sounds like it's been fuelled with spanners.

113. The tyre roar is deafening. You can't hear anything.

114. It's too wide. The steering wheel's on the wrong side. Trim is woeful.

115. The ride could break your back every time you run over anything.

116. The gearbox feels like it came from a tractor.

117. All right, can I just say, we've got the message there.

118. I'm not joking. No, I'm not joking.

119. As something to live with every day, I would rather have bird flu.

120. - I would.

121. All right. Well, we must now send it back to its natural

122. territory, of course, the track, to see how it does.

123. Absolutely, and that means, of course, handing it over to our tame racing driver.

124. Some say he has a digital face,

125. and that if he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar.

126. All we know is he is called the Stig.

127. And he's off!

128. Rocks off, wheel spin of the line there,

129. that's not a particularly fast start as a result.

130. Okay, coming down to the - first corner, piling it in!

131. Quite a bit of tyre squeal, bone-dry track.

132. But actually, look, very little drama.

133. A piece of that cheese.

134. Stig, of course, still learning Italian.

135. Here he comes out of Chicago.

136. A little wiggle of the hips on the way out.

137. No real fuss, no drama again. Into Hammerhead.

138. Perhaps things will get lively here. Will it wash wide? No.

139. Tail's coming out a fraction, but the Stig holds it there to the millimetre.

140. We want to visit Pompeii.

141. Of course, the Stig can already talk the language of animals.

142. Only this morning he was chatting to Top Gear dog.

143. Funnily enough, they also share a water bowl.

144. Look at that, seven litres of American friendly fire.

145. Here he comes into the second to last corner, turns in hard, a little bit of correction.

146. Into Gambon, this is a tricky one,

147. flicking it a bit sideways. And across the line.

148. I very much doubt... Hang on.

149. I doubt very much any of you will believe this.

150. He did it in 1:22.4.

151. Now that, look... That is...

152. Here's the Ferrari 575 right down there, 1:26.8.

153. It's up... It's quicker than a Zonda.

154. It's quicker than a Ferrari 430. That is an astonishing car.

155. However, I do maintain

156. if you are planning on using it on a road,

157. you are better off with a normal one.

158. Well, Jeremy not terribly up-to-date with his Ferrari knowledge there.

159. In fact, the 575 has gone out of production

160. and it's been replaced by this,

161. the 599 GTB Fiorano.

162. That's got a 6-litre V12. It's going to do 200mph

163. and it will cost you £160,000.

164. - So it's still 100 more than the Corvette. - Still 100 more.

165. I can't believe it.

166. I'm just stunned by that Corvette.

167. 'Cause I don't think that will be any faster.

168. But I can't wait to drive it, that said. Oof, can't wait.

169. Anyway now, listen, if you're organising a hen night, okay,

170. obviously, the most important thing that you need to remember

171. is something to vomit into.

172. - Yes! - This is usually called a limo.

173. - Now, we heard the other day...

174. We heard the other day of a chap who's now renting out a new kind of limo.

175. - We've got a picture of it here. Yes, it's a tank! Oh, crikey!

176. That is a tank! It is a tank.

177. He's put little windows in it for something for you to hold your breasts up to.

178. - Oh, Jeremy! - Well, that's what happens. I've seen it.

179. If you look inside, it's got loads of seats,

180. all of which, there you go, all wipe down.

181. This is quite expensive. I have to warn you.

182. One night, £5,000.

183. - How much? - £5,000.

184. Plus the cost of actually getting it to Newcastle.

185. - So...

186. - It is a pricey evening. - It is.

187. And now, have a look at this, this is an electronic device.

188. It's called the quick start. It costs £9.99.

189. You stick it in your cigarette lighter when you're driving in France,

190. and when you turn the car on in the morning,

191. its little electronic voice reminds you to drive on the right.

192. That might be useful if you're a bit thick.

193. Sounds like a good idea. Actually, it's a complete waste of £9.99.

194. When you get up in the morning all your luggage has been stolen from the boot

195. and your car's just a burnt out shell, you'll know you're in France anyway.

196. True, you don't need it.

197. - It's a fair point. - That is a fair point.

198. Hey. You know the police have got no way of testing drivers for drugs?

199. Now, you might think, "So? It's not a very big problem.

200. "There's only so many Pete Dohertys driving around."

201. Well, a study has shown this week

202. that at any one time, 20% of young drivers on the road

203. are under the influence of drugs.

204. - 20%? - One in five!

205. It's a staggering statistic.

206. There's one.

207. How did you get here today?

208. - What? You flew? Peugeot 306.

209. Poseidon's brought him.

210. A Peugeot 306 space ship.

211. The thing is, as a result of this problem, the police have had to introduce

212. special tests for drugs.

213. What tests?

214. I don't know, it didn't say. I'm imagining it's things like they wander up,

215. tap on the window and say, "Would sir like a Jaffa cake, feeling peckish?"

216. That works for cannabis. It's not gonna work for cocaine, though, is it?

217. - Oh, right! - That's gonna have to be,

218. "Why don't you tell us a little about yourself?"

219. "Well, I will, actually, since you mention it.

220. - "I was born in 1960..." - They'd have to vary it.

221. Ecstasy would be easy, because they'd just say, "Roll down the window.

222. "Now sir, do you love me? Do you want a big hug? Come on."

223. - Do you love me?

224. You see?

225. Don't let him drive home! Take him away!

226. Don't let him drive home!

227. - You see?

228. It worked.

229. To test for speed, they'd have to give the driver a hoover.

230. Eh?

231. You know, when you're at a big party,

232. at the end of it, everybody is asleep.

233. The bloke who's on speed is always hoovering.

234. - What? - The rock 'n' roll years with James May!

235. - It's true. - You can just imagine the hotel.

236. "Oh, I hope Mr May hasn't trashed his bedroom. Ooh, it's immaculate!"

237. - Let's get it back to cars, okay? - Well, why not?

238. Or nearly. There's a new truck, okay, coming in from America.

239. Here it is. It'll be on sale in Britain in July.

240. It's called the Dodge Caliber. Right-hand drive.

241. Do you want to know how much that is? 11,500 quid.

242. - Is that all? - Yeah, 11,500 quid.

243. - That is, what, six times less than a Range Rover. - How have they done that?

244. - Well, it's six times smaller than a Range Rover. - Is it?

245. Yeah, I'm not joking. It is actually the size of a Golf.

246. It's a 1.8, two-wheel drive, family hatchback.

247. Designed to look like that. They're actually in trouble in America

248. because they've been advertising and they've dubbed the V8 soundtrack over the ad.

249. - To make it look bigger. - Yeah they've gone, "Look at this!" and it's tiny.

250. - It's like me, that car... - No it's not.

251. It is because people think it's further away than it really is.

252. - I get it all the time.

253. People come up to shake my hand and stick their finger in my eye

254. and go, "Oh, I thought you were over there! And you're here."

255. No, that's absolutely right,

256. 'cause I'm often talking to someone about what a cock he is

257. thinking he's right over the other side of the room.

258. - And I'm here. - And he turns out to be standing right next to me.

259. The things I hear like that!

260. - That is the world's most pointless car. - Good, well, we sorted that.

261. - The end. - Now look at this, there's a bloke...

262. Stole a Mercedes McLaren SLR, which is one of the fastest cars in the world.

263. - Yeah. - We're agreed. It's right at the top of our board.

264. But it was fitted with one of those tracker devices so the police could trace it.

265. They caught him after 40 minutes. Do you know how far he'd gone in that time?

266. - Twelve miles!

267. - What was he doing? - That's the least ambitious thief in the world!

268. It's an average speed of 18mph.

269. - Why did he nick it?

270. I don't know, but I would like to appeal to him if he's been let out by the Home Secretary,

271. - which he almost certainly has been.

272. Very good!

273. Very good.

274. If you'd like to steal a motor vehicle and travel around the place at 18 mph,

275. could you please nick my Honda 90? Thanks.

276. Now, I am forever being stopped by people saying,

277. "I'd love to go to work in a canoe."

278. - Oh, God, that happens to me all the time as well. - It's annoying.

279. But, they say, "The thing is, compared to a car, they're just so boring.

280. "Can you help?"

281. Well, funnily enough, yes.

282. Yes, canoeing really is a tedious pastime.

283. And after some exhaustive research, I think I've worked out why.

284. This is a canoe, or kayak, to be precise.

285. And it's rubbish because it doesn't have an engine.

286. But where there's a will...

287. There's always a way.

288. This is the world's first engine-powered canoe.

289. It took two and a half years to make

290. and it's got a jet at the back,

291. powered by the world's flattest two-stroke motor,

292. which sits here, right where your bottom goes.

293. So where ordinary canoes can be overtaken by ducks,

294. this one blasts across the water like a jet-propelled eel.

295. This amazing machine is the brainchild of Shaun Baker,

296. nine times British Whitewater Freestyle Champion.

297. Now, obviously we wanted to find out if this jet-propelled canoe/bi-yak is any good,

298. which is why we've come here to Iceland.

299. In fact, we've come to one of the most incredible parts of

300. an already generally amazing country, the ice lake.

301. It's formed where a giant glacier meets a lagoon and then breaks apart

302. to form a sea of, well, massive ice cubes.

303. So we're gonna have a race, starting at one end of the lake

304. and running roughly two miles to the finish line at the bridge

305. where the lake meets the sea.

306. I shall be using the roads along the edge.

307. Now, those roads are very tough and Icelandic.

308. So, I need a vehicle that's very tough and Icelandic.

309. It's called a Tomcat,

310. and it's what happens when you take British engineering

311. and garnish it with Icelandic levels of lunacy.

312. It's got plastic body panels for super lightness,

313. a four-litre TVR V8 for super power,

314. and a Range Rover chassis for super strength.

315. Put all that together and you've got a one-and-a-half-tonne 4X4

316. that can outrun a Subaru Impreza rally car.

317. So, Shaun, talk to me about danger.

318. I'm presuming there's quite a lot of it.

319. Well, when we're bombing around, the wake from the back of the boat's snapping off

320. little bits of ice. That starts to float in the water, and if that gets sucked up

321. in through the intake grate on the bottom of the boat and jams into the prop,

322. it's just going to cut the engine out, and of course, it doesn't float,

323. - which isn't good. - That's...

324. - And this isn't gonna help. - No. I'm going down.

325. So, really, the biggest danger facing the jet-propelled kayaker

326. - is ice? - Is ice.

327. As I sat at the start, I still didn't quite believe

328. that a jet-powered kayak would work.

329. It did.

330. It's a bad start. I'm away now.

331. The car is sashaying around, it's like a fine layer of stones on volcanic ash

332. which is very interesting on a geography field trip,

333. but bloody scary to drive on.

334. I've had to come such a long way from the lake now

335. to find a path.

336. He's got to go so much less distance than me.

337. Shaun has his problems, too.

338. He's negotiating a maze of floating ice in search of open water.

339. But the ice is constantly shifting and blocking his path.

340. Basically, if there's ice, he's had it.

341. I hope there's ice.

342. Ooh! That hurt!

343. Come on!

344. Surely Shaun must be tiring.

345. His buttocks have been roasted by the engine, and the constant

346. course adjustments are straining his arms.

347. I'm right back down by the water again.

348. Come on!

349. I don't know where he is. I don't know where he is.

350. He's there!

351. Come on, then, canoe boy!

352. How fast does that thing go?

353. Come on!

354. I can't lose this!

355. This is it! This is it! This is the bridge.

356. Have I won?

357. No!

358. I don't believe that!

359. See ya!

360. Where's an iceberg when you need one?

361. Honestly!

362. Yeah.

363. Very important message there.

364. Somewhere. Anyway, it's now time to move on and put a star in our

365. brand new Reasonably Priced Car.

366. Our guest this week, like everyone on TV these days,

367. is a chef.

368. But this one is also a professional swearing enthusiast.

369. Ladies and gentlemen, Gordon Ramsay!

370. Me old mate! How are you?

371. - Very well. How are you? - Good to see you. Have a seat.

372. Thank you. Hello.

373. - He's here! - Thank you.

374. He's here. Since you were last on,

375. you've opened another 62,000 restaurants

376. and begun another 42 TV shows.

377. - Are you in fact the world's busiest man?

378. Um, quite possibly, yeah. I mean, it's been a great year.

379. I have to say it's down to the team,

380. 'cause we've just got the most amazing...

381. It's not a BAFTA acceptance speech. Do you mind?

382. I've actually recently tried cooking with Gordon for one of your many TV shows.

383. - Yes. - Just a small tip, easy on the garlic.

384. Excuse me. I don't want to spoil the show, but it was too much.

385. I know, but you spat it out. You should've swallowed.

386. It was a garlic mayonnaise.

387. It was a really nice, rich, saffron, creamy aioli. Say it.

388. - Ari... You see that's the bit round the outside of a nipple. - No!

389. I thought you said he's going to make...

390. Oh, I don't want that! With garlic on. Ooh!

391. I was disappointed in your skills,

392. disappointed with your chipolata fingers,

393. how clumsy you were, in the kitchen, and how lazy you were, okay?

394. Yes.

395. So, don't change your job.

396. I'm sorry. When people say, "Jeremy, can you drive us?"

397. If I get invited, I always drive.

398. If I invite you over for the weekend, I expect you to do the cooking.

399. - You got an OBE recently, didn't you? - Yes.

400. - Was it for services to swearing or...

401. I think so!

402. Going up to Holyrood in July to pick up...

403. What is it, a medal now?

404. You're going to Hollywood to get an OBE?

405. No, Holyrood!

406. - Oh, Holyrood! - The Scottish palace.

407. You said you were going to Hollywood. What's the point, wrong place!

408. You know what you're going to get to eat there, don't you?

409. Yes, some sort of dehydrated devil on horse-back

410. that got done dipped in aspic three years ago.

411. Ooh, it'll be worse than that.

412. Because those canapes are all made in industrial estates

413. - in Bolton, aren't they? - Yeah.

414. And the people who make them, I always think, "They don't like me."

415. I mean, they don't like anyone who's going to be eating food like this.

416. So how many bodily fluids...

417. A friend of mine used to work in a kitchen and he once...

418. How can I put this? Wiped his bottom on a steak.

419. No, he's now a food critic.

420. - You've run the marathon again this year. - Yeah.

421. - How many times? - Seventh one now.

422. - Seventh? - Seventh.

423. And I suppose 'cause we're in the kitchen all day long, we graze,

424. so we constantly eat, and it's not good for sort of...

425. Like you put weight on easily. I can put a stone on quite easily in a period of sort of,

426. 8 or 9 days, so...

427. - What time did you do? - 3:45.

428. - Is that good?

429. - You've never run a marathon? - Run a marathon!

430. - I'd run it in 26 years!

431. In terms of 15.5 stone, it's not bad, but I had a bit of a scare at the beginning,

432. because I got to the start line, and I could hear this chirping

433. and screaming in my ear. It was Jade Goody.

434. And when she started talking about her training and she was saying,

435. "Well I've had lots of Chinese, lots of Indians, and I've ran six kilometres."

436. I said, "But it's not 26k, sweetheart, it's 26 mile."

437. "So what's that in k, then?" "Yeah, it's 42!"

438. - So, she had no idea what a mile was? - No. No.

439. Well, if you think, elephants can migrate right across Africa,

440. so maybe, you know, she was in with a shout.

441. - Now, listen. Let's talk about cars. - Yes.

442. Where are you, you haven't still got that rubbish Bentley, have you?

443. It was great on a straight line, but it couldn't go around corners,

444. and I was driving to work one morning, and this sort of bright

445. blue Bentley pulled up alongside me.

446. And then this lady stared knocking on the window.

447. And I turned around, and it was Jordan in her Bentley,

448. so great excuse to get rid of the car.

449. - So, the Bentley's gone. - The Bentley's gone.

450. - Replaced with a... - A Range Rover.

451. - Range Rover? - Yeah, the super-sport.

452. Really nice, fast, smooth and, yeah, really good.

453. Didn't you have a 430 Ferrari?

454. - I've still got that, yes. - Oh, you forgot that!

455. No, no. That's a bit of a treat on a Sunday, maybe.

456. Yeah, that's on the... That's a cool car.

457. I mean, it's not a very good looking car,

458. but, my God, it's a beautiful thing to drive.

459. It's almost like having a posh go-kart, you know, because you feel slightly

460. battered and bruised after two hours of being in there.

461. Yeah, I'm just slightly worried about those speed cameras now because...

462. Well, you've got an interesting way of dealing with them.

463. - Yeah. - Have you heard about this?

464. - Bit of a... - You'll like this.

465. Bit of a chef's secret, really.

466. Down at the Embankment, as you know, there's a line,

467. - Vauxhall Bridge, there's, you know... - Yeah.

468. six or seven cameras.

469. So the secret thing to do is get a catering pack of cling film

470. and about half past two in the morning when there's hardly any traffic on the road

471. just pull over, jump onside and just wrap the thing in cling film,

472. so when it flashes, it sort of smudges the number plate.

473. And it doesn't look sabotaged. But I tell you, it does work!

474. - You could just howl past and it's all just a blur? - Just a blur!

475. And when they're looking for them to identify which one's been sabotaged

476. or spray painted or covered in Tipp-Ex, there's cling film.

477. But make sure there's no air bubbles in there!

478. That's a brilliant idea.

479. Let's abandon the show, and get on out there.

480. My favourite is a Dutch trick. You know there's a tiny little hole,

481. top right-hand corner. They spray that quick

482. - expanding builder's foam in them. - Oh, really?

483. And it just bursts out of everywhere and it's really ruined.

484. Don't do that!

485. Or that!

486. Anyway, the lap. The new rules, as you know. No more coming down here

487. and spending all day going round and we find your fastest lap.

488. Now, very straightforward.

489. You get five practise laps, then we time your sixth, okay?

490. Who would like to see Gordon's third practise lap?

491. Yes!

492. If there are any children watching, fingers in your ears. Here we go.

493. Keep that foot down!

494. Don't brake, don't brake, don't brake ...

495. This is just swearing!

496. I have never heard language like that.

497. The car was blue on the outside.

498. You made it blue on the inside!

499. Sorry! Sorry!

500. They've given me this scrap of paper. Your practice times...

501. 1:49.9, 1:49.5, 1:49.5, 1:48.6.

502. You're getting quicker and quicker.

503. 1:48.6 would have put you there,

504. below Justin Hawkins.

505. Damn!

506. But then, it was time to do your timed lap, the one that counts. Okay?

507. Are we ready? Shall we see it?

508. Yes. - Okay, here we go.

509. Good start.

510. concentrate!

511. Straight away!

512. I prefer this to the Liana.

513. It's easier to drive.

514. - Really? - Yeah.

515. Aggressive!

516. Oh, that is wide through there!

517. Don't you dare lift off. Don't you dare lift off! Hand brake!

518. And fourth!

519. You did keep your foot down, didn't you?

520. Yeah, I definitely kept my foot down there.

521. This is the hard one.

522. Ooh, beautifully done.

523. That's where you go a bit wide! A bit wide!

524. But there we go, across the line, everybody!

525. Oh.

526. We've got your time here.

527. You're a competitive soul, aren't you?

528. I am, yeah. It's you.

529. - So I know it matters. - Okay.

530. 1...

531. Remember, you've got 1:47 to beat, okay.

532. Trevor Eve to beat. 1...

533. 40...

534. - 6.3! - Yes!

535. - Ladies and gentlemen, Gordon Ramsay! - Thank you, mate.

536. - Fastest man in the new Reasonably Priced Car! - Excellent.

537. Thank you.

538. Lovely! 1:46!

539. Remarkable.

540. Okay, now...

541. Earlier on in the year, in the Top Gear Winter Olympics Special,

542. we discovered that the new Jaguar XK

543. is not particularly good at being an ice skater.

544. Now, that might put you off, but hang on.

545. Because now, we're gonna find out what it's like at being a car.

546. So, we must leave the misery and congestion of England

547. and go to where the air is pure

548. and the landscape is tall and lustrous.

549. God was probably very proud of Yorkshire when he'd finished it.

550. But at a stroke, his efforts have been made to look lumpen

551. and amateurish by this.

552. Jaguar's new XK.

553. Some people have criticised it for looking too like an Aston Martin.

554. Are they mad?

555. That's like criticising a bloke for looking too like Brad Pitt!

556. The fact of the matter is this.

557. From just about every angle, this is an impossibly pretty car.

558. You see it, you want it. And then...

559. - You hear it!

560. When you're cruising along, it's no noisier than a mountain.

561. - But when you put your foot down...

562. Its arse just goes volcanic!

563. If you have one of these, you're gonna spend half the day flooring it.

564. And half the day ogling it.

565. Anyone got an easel?

566. I could just spend a couple of days painting that.

567. Obviously, we'll lose the rubbish background there, just concentrate on the car.

568. This means, unfortunately,

569. there won't be much time left over for driving it, and that's a pity.

570. You know, just from looking at the dashboard,

571. that this isn't going to feel like an old-fashioned Jaguar.

572. All that dark, heavy 1930s sideboard wood has gone!

573. Gone!

574. And in its place, you've got this modern,

575. crisp, sort of espresso look.

576. And that's what the XK feels like to drive.

577. It feels nimble and quick, and agile!

578. It feels like a sports car!

579. It feels delicate, it feels light!

580. Oh.

581. There's a very good reason for this. It is light!

582. I have pets which weigh more.

583. Because it's so light, it's fast.

584. And it brakes well, and it steers well!

585. Last time I had this much fun, some furniture got broken!

586. Yes!

587. So there we are.

588. The convertible I've been driving is £64,000

589. and the hard-top coupe is £59,000.

590. You want one, don't you? And you're not bothered which.

591. You're probably looking at your children now, thinking,

592. "How much would I get if I sold them for medical experiments?"

593. But hang on a minute, because there's a problem,

594. which is to be found, weirdly, in here.

595. Jaguar is in the middle of a deep financial crisis.

596. And it's owned by Ford,

597. which is in the middle of an even deeper financial crisis.

598. And in places, this shows.

599. The aerial, for instance, looks like it came from a 1981 Ford Cortina.

600. The 4.2-litre V8 engine is pretty much exactly the same

601. as the 4.2-litre V8 engine you got in the old XK.

602. And inside, there's not a single gadget that's new and amazing.

603. Further evidence that the XK was designed on a shoestring in a bit of a hurry

604. comes when you push past 130 or so.

605. At very high speeds, you can feel the front of the car starting to lift,

606. the steering going light.

607. It's not the end of the world in here

608. until you find out what's causing it.

609. Strangely, it's the game of golf.

610. Let me explain.

611. The sort of people who buy cars of this type are usually golfists.

612. And they want a boot that's big enough for their bats.

613. Now that is no problem in the XK. They fit like a dream.

614. But to make the boot big enough, they had to fit a small rear window,

615. because if they had put a bigger one in, it would have taken up too much space

616. when the roof is folded down.

617. That's fine, but then, riding into the equation comes the EU,

618. who say that the centre rear brake light

619. must be fitted within a certain height of the window,

620. and because the window's so small,

621. it has to be put on this tall rear spoiler,

622. which pushes the back of the car down when you're going quickly,

623. and lifts the front up. So there you are, golf.

624. Of course, you could blame the EU for this,

625. but the Germans have the same rules and they manage all right.

626. And speaking of which, here they come.

627. A Mercedes SL and a BMW 650.

628. Neither of these cars lift when they go faster than 130.

629. Neither has a Ford Cortina aerial.

630. What's more, the Mercedes comes with its "look at me" party-piece roof.

631. And a brand-new engine.

632. And then, there's the BMW.

633. This doesn't have an engine.

634. What it has instead is a nuclear bomb under the bonnet.

635. In the Jag, you got 300 horse power.

636. In this, you get 367!

637. And that makes a difference.

638. Much faster than the Jag!

639. And not only is the BMW quicker than the Jaguar,

640. it's noticeably cheaper as well.

641. So, once again, it looks like the Germans

642. have beaten the plucky Brit.

643. Or have they?

644. You see, the Mercedes works well

645. if it's got a big supercharged V8 and lots of power,

646. but all you get for the same sort of money as the Jaguar is the 350,

647. and that has a top speed of four.

648. Then there's the BMW.

649. Yes, it is very fast, and yes, it is very well-priced,

650. but my God, it's ugly.

651. That roof!

652. Looks like a tramp's hat.

653. Also, the ride isn't good enough.

654. The driving position's all wrong,

655. and if you have a manual, the clutch is stupid.

656. Most important of all, though, neither of these cars floats my boat.

657. So, now we're back with the Jaguar,

658. and that is fine by me.

659. Yes, it's not the most advanced car in the world,

660. and yes, it was made for 20p,

661. but who cares when it looks this good,

662. drives this well,

663. and sounds like that?

664. Honestly, keep it below 130 or so,

665. you're going to absolutely love it.

666. Well.

667. Great. - Great.

668. So, keep it under 130 miles an hour.

669. There's some useful consumer advice, Jeremy. Well done.

670. This from a man who crashed a Landrover into an iceberg racing a canoe.

671. Yes. Granted. That's a fact.

672. However, that Jag. What about it?

673. The thing is that later this year,

674. Aston are going to do a convertible version of the V8 Vantage.

675. They are, but will it be prettier than the Jaguar? Come on.

676. It'll be faster.

677. Possibly. Don't forget, there is a supercharged version...

678. - I know, in September. - It should rebalance that.

679. And the Aston will be a lot more expensive, and a lot less reliable.

680. - I know, and Jaguar are second only to Lexus these days. - Exactly.

681. Yes, look. Before I went to Yorkshire,

682. I would have chosen the Aston without thinking about it.

683. - But this is a properly good car. - It is good.

684. But good enough to beat the Aston?

685. It's good enough to make you think about it!

686. What do we think? Aston or Jag? Aston?

687. Aston! - That's sorted that, then.

688. Hands up for the Jag.

689. Hands up for the Aston.

690. - You can't beat an Aston badge! - It's a bit of a walk-over.

691. Hmm. That one's going to run and run, I suspect.

692. Anyway, drive-time radio shows.

693. On the whole, they're pretty awful.

694. The traffic announcements, for example, they really, really annoy us.

695. And that got us thinking.

696. How about if we had a go at doing a drive-time radio show?

697. I mean, how hard can it be?

698. To find out, we were given the opportunity

699. of hosting the three-hour afternoon drive-time show

700. on BBC Southern Counties radio in Brighton.

701. And Richard, who used to be a local radio DJ,

702. reckoned this was some kind of big deal.

703. In five hours' time, it starts, whether we're ready or not.

704. The news ends, and we go, "Hello!" and we have to talk for three hours.

705. - You really are worried. - I just want to have some time preparing for it.

706. - You're panicking. - It's absolutely critical that before we...

707. Why are you taking us there in a Cadillac?

708. - Because it's an appropriate car to do it in. - Why?

709. Local radio DJs, that's what they...

710. There are two types of local radio DJs, okay?

711. There are those that drive a Cadillac,

712. and those that want to drive a Cadillac.

713. You know, this is really a Saab, don't you, underneath?

714. - Do you realise that? - Do you know that?

715. The indicator stock is straight from a Saab.

716. The steering wheel is a Saab steering wheel.

717. The gear lever is a Saab gear lever.

718. The handbrake is Saab.

719. Can we just take the whole Saab thing as read, then, and maybe move on?

720. Actually, we couldn't move on,

721. because we were stuck in a big traffic jam.

722. This is BBC Southern Counties Radio.

723. This is what we've got to do, okay?

724. Long may you reign. - This is us.

725. But we're still looking for somebody who shares their birthday with the Queen.

726. So if you know...

727. Social stuff, relevant to your listeners, local...

728. - What? - We'll manage.

729. All right, fine. Well, you just make it up when they say,

730. - "Talk for three hours." - How hard can it be, anyway?

731. So this 2.8, it's a V6.

732. - Not a straight 6. - It's the Saab.

733. It's a V6!

734. But more important, do you have any idea how long we've spent in this jam?

735. It's 32,000 quid for this,

736. which is the same as a BMW 3 series.

737. Yeah. And there's 180 minutes of radio waiting

738. for us to say something in all of them.

739. You know what they did do on this to try and make it not feel like a Saab?

740. Please just stop talking completely now.

741. If you've nothing to talk about, just don't talk at all.

742. I don't like the clock. Save it!

743. Soon, we were moving again,

744. but Hammond was still in a bit of a tizzy.

745. We'll have to introduce the travel, weather, news, and the headlines on the half hour.

746. - Well, I can talk about the weather. - You can't just...

747. Have you got enough leg room back there?

748. I never thought I'd say this sitting in a car behind Hammond, but I haven't.

749. - Hey, look at that! - Do you have to? You've just put it in second.

750. I don't know why I bother trying to make this...

751. I'm only trying to give you the benefit of my...

752. What? That's the cruise control, leave it alone!

753. - I've just realised I can take control of your speed.

754. With me on the throttle, we were soon in Brighton,

755. with Hammond still wondering what we were going to do on the show,

756. and James and I wondering

757. why anyone would want to buy the cramped and expensive Cadillac

758. with its bad clock and soggy suspension.

759. So, in other words, to buy this car, what you've got to do is say,

760. "No, I don't want the Lexus, I don't want the Mercedes,

761. "I don't want the BMW, I don't want the Audi.

762. "Move on to Cadillac." Why would you turn down all those cars to have this?

763. Right, let's go.

764. At the radio station, Hammond dragged us

765. straight into a planning meeting

766. with the show's rather nervous-looking producers.

767. So, if we come out, at the top of the hour here, you've got news,

768. and then you got sport, and then you got weather.

769. Hold on a minute. It just says "Story" there.

770. - What story? - These are items throughout your programme.

771. We've got to think of things to talk about?

772. On the day we did this show, there was certainly no shortage of material.

773. John Prescott, for instance, had been caught with his trousers down.

774. Is this not the single most amazing story ever?

775. And Charles Clarke had lost a thousand immigrants.

776. So what did James think would most interest the listeners?

777. When you're at the jet-wash,

778. should the bonger go off

779. halfway through the cycle, or at the end?

780. Hmm.

781. Also, the show was going out live, which could be a problem,

782. given the loose connection between Jeremy's brain and mouth.

783. The average week, the audience is 250-300,000.

784. Not all of them are in invalid carriages.

785. - What? - You said invalid carriages.

786. - What's wrong with that? - You want to make sure he doesn't say things like that.

787. What do ya...

788. Right! Now I want you to show me how I control this eight-foot gorilla.

789. What do you suggest I do?

790. The meeting rambled on for ages,

791. during which time, nothing got sorted.

792. idea of reading the news, butt-naked.

793. And then, with just over an hour to go...

794. - I still don't understand any of this.

795. So, at quarter past and quarter to,

796. there are the headlines that James can read...

797. With half an hour to go, Jeremy suddenly announced,

798. worryingly, that he'd been working on a plan.

799. Tonight, there won't be a single queue or jam in this region,

800. because I'm doing the travel on this show.

801. With zero hour fast approaching, even Jeremy got busy.

802. Got it.

803. As I acquainted myself with the studio,

804. James set about mastering some of the station's other technical equipment.

805. With just a few minutes to go, a quarter of a million Southern Counties' listeners

806. were starting their journeys home.

807. Richard, where's the turntable? I've brought the records.

808. Jeremy, there is no turntable!

809. It's 2006!

810. And they were all expecting their usual slick and helpful drive time show.

811. You've got your interview first, haven't you, as well?

812. - What? What interview? - Oh, my God, that's me.

813. I haven't...

814. - James, you can't just nick... - MacArthur...

815. We were primed and ready.

816. BBC Southern Counties radio.

817. Good luck, everybody!

818. Here we go.

819. That shouldn't have happened. I'm going to fade it out, then you're gonna talk.

820. Right. Um...

821. - Er... Is that it? Is that your intro?

822. Can I just say good afternoon, this is still BBC's Southern Counties radio...

823. We weren't what you'd call slick.

824. - Can I do the weather? Yeah.

825. - Er... I've lost it. Have you got the headlines? Yeah.

826. Go on, then. Yeah. No, you do them.

827. I haven't got the headlines.

828. And the jingles Richard had brought along were dreadful.

829. See what you think of this one.

830. How much did you spend making those?

831. £5 a pop.

832. No matter. We would redeem ourselves with my new, brilliant

833. and extremely complicated traffic system.

834. What I've done here is fixed up a link

835. between the Highways Agency's headquarters in Godstone in Surrey

836. so I can see all the traffic cameras from all the motorways in the region.

837. Now, what's happening is, we've got an outside broadcast truck at Godstone.

838. It's firing its signal up to a satellite 22,000 miles in space,

839. back down to White City in London.

840. They're firing it down to a switching station in Tunbridge Wells,

841. and here we are in the studio, looking...

842. If I can swing the camera round, we can get it off

843. the main pictures. I can even zoom in.

844. With full control of the cameras, Jeremy could reveal his big plan.

845. Instead of telling you where the traffic jams are,

846. I am going to give you the registration number of the car that has caused them.

847. So, he's not just reporting on the traffic, he's bossing it about.

848. Now, who's this, for coming down in a Volkswagen van?

849. You're leaving a 200-yard gap there. Now close up.

850. While Jeremy was shouting at the traffic,

851. James and I were getting to grips with the music.

852. As promised earlier, it is Wang Chung and Dancehall Days.

853. Oh, you sprung that on me, rather. Do you want to that again, James?

854. As promised earlier, it is Wang Chung and Dancehall Days.

855. - Maybe just once more for me, mate. - Just play something else.

856. - Oh, all right.

857. Oh, it's right! Yeah! He has no idea.

858. I'd just like to apologise...

859. BBC's Southern Counties Radio travel.

860. Hello. Is that me?

861. That was slick.

862. It was time for another of Jeremy's rubbish travel reports.

863. Oh, now, look! Here we go.

864. Somebody in a... It seems to be a Land Rover Discovery

865. has jack-knifed while carrying a trailer.

866. It's a 4x4, it's a good job, it was. That's why he's still alive.

867. Lucky he didn't listen to the Liberal Democrats on that one.

868. The two outer lanes of the motorway, please get out of them,

869. 'cause they're blocked by an idiot in a Mitsubishi, who's managed

870. to crash into his own trailer.

871. People are moving over far too soon,

872. which means that the motorway network is not being fully utilised.

873. - You paid for it. Drive right up to the crash. Use it.

874. Use it, and then get your window down and tell the man

875. exactly what you think of his driving.

876. Precisely. Oh, no.

877. What we've got here is a travel flash, actually.

878. My thanks to Janice. She tells us that in Dorking High Street,

879. a caravan has come adrift of the car blocking one lane. The police are in attendance.

880. Police, are you armed?

881. I hope they are, they could take it out and just shoot the driver.

882. Thank you very much. That's the travel with Jeremy Clarkson.

883. Even we could see the show was pretty bad.

884. But then, it got worse.

885. Hammond mistimed a trip to the loo, and while he was in there, a song finished.

886. Hello? Is that...

887. Is there somebody there?

888. - Is anybody there? Hello? - Hurry up! Come on!

889. Then, I forgot I was going out live.

890. Well, he's ginger, and he's Welsh. - Okay.

891. And then, we upset the station's sports reporter.

892. 204 for 9, the latest score.

893. Carl Hopkinson, 45, Rana is 26 not out.

894. - Three wickets a piece for Dominic Thornely

895. and Sean Ervine.

896. Sorry! Sorry, that happens!

897. 253 for 3, is that good? I don't understand.

898. They've got 253 runs, and they've lost three wickets, sir.

899. - It is cricket. - He's angry.

900. It's a game that's been played in this country for about 300 years.

901. - What, the same game? - Why don't you get the Observer's Book of Cricket,

902. which will tell you all of the regulations that you need to know,

903. and then you'll be okay.

904. We're now...

905. Sorry!

906. Worse still, my traffic system really wasn't working out as planned.

907. The cameras were not able to give enough detail,

908. so my reports were becoming a little vague.

909. Jeremy, go!

910. It's all completely hopeless.

911. Everywhere, I can see people in Astras, M25.

912. Godstone's jammed up at Junction 6.

913. Barrow... Don't use it! Don't use it!

914. Stay at work. Be productive, and buy a helicopter.

915. It's not particularly helpful what you're telling them there.

916. I therefore decided to personalise my reports.

917. Hello there! Hello, how are you?

918. Bit fed up as I can't work out whether I'm supposed to be turning off

919. - the M25 or not. - Yeah.

920. - We're trying to get home tonight. Where are you?

921. - I'm going anti-clockwise. - Anti-clockwise.

922. You, my son, have had it.

923. - Oh, thanks a lot. - Just... I'm screwing it up.

924. With the traffic system ruined, we were running out of things to say.

925. If you use a jet-wash, should the bonger on each cycle

926. go off at the end of the cycle or in the middle?

927. The bonger goes off at the end of the foamy brush cycle,

928. and you've only done the bonnet, you've had it.

929. The switchboard began to light up with angry listeners,

930. one of whom was called Mrs Smith.

931. - Hello, Mrs Smith! - I came home from work at 5:00,

932. and what a load of rubbish this is!

933. - And I think it's absolutely dreadful. - But... But...

934. I've been an avid listener to Southern Counties for a number of years.

935. For God's sake, bring back Dominic, Busby and all the rest of them.

936. Yeah. - It's all a load of rubbish. Thank you and goodnight.

937. With the locals ready to lynch us, we decided to get out early.

938. This is a nine-minute song. By the time it's over, our show's over.

939. Do you want to walk through Brighton after the show we just did?

940. Is there a back door?

941. By the time this is over, we can't be here.

942. Down the back stairs.

943. I'm going! Sorry!

944. Shame. Shame.

945. So, how hard can it be to host a drive-time radio show? Well, very.

946. Yeah. Even harder than turning a people carrier into a convertible.

947. Even harder than turning a Saab into a Cadillac!

948. Yeah. Absolutely! Hey, no, listen!

949. We've got time for one more thing because, you see, we have been literally

950. inundated with a letter.

951. It was from someone who said that there's one star

952. we never put in our old Reasonably Priced Car.

953. There's one name missing from this list.

954. Yes, it's the Stig!

955. No-one else knows this track as well as him, and now he'll give the Liana

956. a proper send-off by showing us what it can really do.

957. Here we go, up to the first corner,

958. this is where we almost killed Lionel Richie when the wheel fell off.

959. But no problems for Stig. He's smooth and he's controlled.

960. - Oh, look at that. - (WOMAN SPEAKING ITALIAN ON RADIO)

961. I can't find my son.

962. Even though he's at maximum attack, he's still got time to learn Italian.

963. Now, look at that. Through Chicago.

964. See how Stig keeps on top of the understeer,

965. wringing out the tired and emotional engine

966. using every inch of the track and then some.

967. Here he is in a Hammerhead.

968. This is where Jonathan Ross got lost. Not an issue for Stig.

969. He's spent so much time here he's named every single blade of grass.

970. Can I speak to Paul? It's Caroline.

971. Yeah. There's Alan the dandelion. He's gone by. There's Stuart.

972. Or was it Ian? Anyway...

973. Here he comes. Ooh, it's quick!

974. Second-to-last corner. Look at the way it's drifting!

975. He's only got Gambon named because of course, Michael rolled it here.

976. Is he? No, he isn't!

977. And there he is, over the grass and across the line.

978. Yes!

979. And here he is!

980. Here he is for the first time ever in the studio.

981. So, where do you think you've come?

982. Do you think you've beaten Ellen MacArthur? 1.46?

983. Do you think maybe you went faster than Nigel Mansell on the Top Gear F1 board there?

984. 1.44.6.

985. Okay. Well, let's cut to the chase.

986. You did it in 1 minute...

987. Most of our guests lean forward a little at this point

988. 'cause they're anticipating it.

989. - 1 minute...

990. 40...

991. Now, Nigel Mansell was 44.6.

992. You were 44...

993. Point...

994. - Oh, he's not bothered.

995. Obviously not interested in how fast he did it.

996. Well, never mind. I am. He did it in 1.44.4!

997. The fastest time ever for the Stig!

998. He couldn't care less!

999. He just walked away!

1000. And that's it! That really is all we've got time for.

1001. Thank you very much. See you soon. Goodnight!