Top Gear 8x1

1. Tonight, I drive the scariest car in the world.

2. James drives the least scary car in the world.

3. And we all drive a car with a monkey on the roof.

4. It is good to be back!

5. And now the thing is,

6. we realized that after three years we had to make some changes,

7. to keep the show fresh and to keep it exciting.

8. So we've got ourselves a dog!

9. - Come on. Come on. Come on. - (ALL CHEERING)

10. Here she is!

11. Mmm-mmm.

12. - Yeah! - Mmm.

13. Good girl.

14. Yeah. She's fantastic.

15. She is, um, a labradoodle. So, she's part Labrador and part poodle.

16. - Yeah. That makes her a hybrid. - Yeah.

17. We were gonna call her Prius. But that would've been cruel.

18. - And she would've eaten a lot more than we were expecting. - Yeah.

19. So. You're not gonna believe her real name, okay?

20. This is a work of genius. Her name

21. - is Top Gear Dog! - It's brilliant!

22. - (ALL LAUGHING) It's brilliant!

23. - And she's in park. - Yeah. She is.

24. - She is in park most of the time. - Yeah, she is.

25. The thing is, we've got the dog, we've got the frankly brilliant name.

26. Few problems, firstly we don't actually know what to do with it

27. now we've, um, now we've got it.

28. Secondly, as it turns out, she's completely terrified of cars.

29. They make her ill, which is unfortunate.

30. And thirdly, she's not very fond of James May.

31. - No, she vomited on him this morning. - She did.

32. - (MIMICS RETCHING) All over him. Disgusting. - Yeah, she did that.

33. Thing is though, don't worry. We are still a car show and we have prepared

34. a montage of what you can expect over the coming weeks.

35. I can see him! He's up there!

36. Come on, horse! We're only going 28!

37. I wasn't expecting that!

38. Oi! Scallies.

39. Why can I not just win something?

40. Full power! Full power!

41. Oh, God.

42. No! No!

43. No! No! No!

44. Ooh, I hit an iceberg.

45. You did hit an iceberg. - I did. I did.

46. You did.

47. All of that... All of that is to come.

48. But we thought we'd kick things off by taking a look at a new

49. convertible Nissan Micra.

50. It's possibly the most embarrassing car in the whole of human history.

51. Yeah, so plainly the job of testing it would go to whichever one of us

52. was most used to being embarrassed.

53. And that would be the one who spent the early part of this year

54. on daytime television.

55. - (ALL LAUGHING) - Him.

56. Right. This is it.

57. It's called the C+C

58. and it costs £15,000.

59. Which is a lot.

60. But that's not my biggest worry.

61. Okay. Here goes.

62. Yup.

63. Why, oh why

64. did we have to do this round by where I live?

65. The roof takes 22 seconds to come down.

66. Which feels like a long time.

67. But to be honest, you won't be in a rush for anyone to see you.

68. On the plus side it has kept most of its boot space.

69. Good for hiding in.

70. Now, as it is a town car, we'd best find a town.

71. This is Ledbury.

72. It's been a safe Conservative seat since 1910.

73. The Daily Mail sells four million copies a day here.

74. The locals don't like change.

75. It's also the place where I do my shopping.

76. So, this is the top-of-the-range Essenza version.

77. It's got a 1.6 litre, 108 horsepower engine.

78. It's good for 119 miles an hour.

79. But you wouldn't wanna go that fast, because,

80. with the roof down this thing wobles like it's made out of cardboard.

81. Nissan say that it's "class-leading..."

82. Ugh!

83. Can't do any more.

84. I've done enough.

85. I just can't take it.

86. I'll leave it there.

87. It's not as though anyone's gonna steal it, are they?

88. - Are you going to do daytime television again? - No.

89. - No, I promise. - No more daytime TV.

90. Not if driving that is punishment! No.

91. How bad is it?

92. How bad? Look! Just look at it! How bad do you think it is?

93. It just looks like a scrotum.

94. - It's that embarrassing. - (ALL LAUGHING)

95. Thing is though, okay, they've taken a tin-opener to a Nissan Micra.

96. They've recently taken a tin-opener to the Rolls Royce Phantom.

97. In fact these days you can buy a soft-top version of just about everything.

98. But nobody has ever made a convertible people carrier.

99. Why not?

100. How hard can it be?

101. This is a Renault Espace,

102. probably the best of the people carriers.

103. Not that that's much to shout about.

104. That's like saying,

105. "Ooh good, I've got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases."

106. Look at that! Piddington. Says it all!

107. "I've got a people carrier. I'm a bit of a Piddington."

108. Behind the wheel of a car like this you feel like you're drowning

109. in wallpaper paste.

110. So we're going to see if we can liven it up a little bit

111. by cutting its head off.

112. You see, the good thing about the Espace is,

113. because it's got a proper chassis

114. - and just a plastic body... - Yes.

115. We can take the roof off and theoretically it won't make it

116. - you know too weak and... - Theoretically?

117. 'Cause you've done this before anyway.

118. - Yes, I have. It didn't go well. - How not well?

119. Well, I took the roof off and the whole car split in half.

120. - You see, that's very not well indeed. - It snapped.

121. But this time, he is going to be our project leader.

122. - I'm gonna in charge... And he had an ambitious plan.

123. This is my detailed engineering drawing of what I think we can do.

124. Because it's a very long car, I don't think we can make a roof that all folds into the

125. little boot area.

126. So what I've done is, I've divided it up into two bits.

127. This bit at the back is on a frame.

128. In the middle, I'm proposing this removable hoop.

129. Can this be put up and taken down in under, let's say, a day?

130. Yeah. Yeah, a couple of minutes.

131. - No, two minutes is too long. - Why don't I believe you?

132. The modern convertible is a two-second job.

133. - My SLK. (BUZZES) - Yeah.

134. You're talking about a camping holiday here.

135. Almost, but the point is...

136. You said you were an expert!

137. No. I never said I was an expert.

138. I just had an idea.

139. What you've done is design an awning that you can put over your car.

140. The next squabble was over

141. the pathetic cutting tools that James had provided.

142. - Perfect. - You're quaking already with fear.

143. - I'm not quaking with anything. Honestly, I...

144. A chicken. Anybody for the leg?

145. - Ooh, it's a bit tough! - (LAUGHING)

146. - You'd be surprised. - It's stupid.

147. With our nanny-state spectacles on, it was time to get cracking.

148. This mail-order carving knife that James has brought is useless!

149. So, I left Hammond and May to it

150. and went to rent something a little more manly.

151. Ah! Now that's what I'm talking about!

152. - You know what I've just thought of? What?

153. I'm cutting through the roof and I'm standing on it.

154. - Yeah. - We were hoping you wouldn't realise.

155. Now, the important thing when cutting through the pillars

156. is to protect the glass.

157. I knew it!

158. I broke the window a bit. Yeah.

159. I've done a bad thing there, haven't I?

160. - Well, it's still convertible! - Hammond.

161. - Yes? Yes. - You see this window?

162. - That would've been fine. We don't need that one. - You've broken one!

163. - We do need that one and you broke it! - Yeah.

164. We now had to be extra careful not to break any more.

165. Now, you're gonna have to do this.

166. Hah! That was yours!

167. I didn't touch it!

168. - Yeah, you did. - I didn't touch it!

169. - You did. - You had the saw at the time.

170. With half the windows gone, it was time to remove the roof.

171. - How we gonna... - Well, it's plastic, it won't weigh anything.

172. So you grab that side.

173. - We ready? - Yeah. Yep.

174. One, two, three, go!

175. What do you mean it doesn't weigh anything? It weighs a ton!

176. - It's like someone's Espace has sunk! - (ALL LAUGHING)

177. That is cool!

178. - That's excellent! - It looks brilliant!

179. You've sawn through the sun visor.

180. And one of the seat belts.

181. - You know what I'm thinking now? - What?

182. - Yeah! Yeah! - (ALL LAUGHING)

183. This is brilliant!

184. I'm not joking! If anything, it's better to drive than the ordinary one

185. because it still feels as stiff.

186. But you've got, look, the world!

187. We have made something truly wonderful.

188. James doesn't look very happy.

189. - What's up with him? - He's a bit freezing! (LAUGHING)

190. - Do you want the heater on? - Shut up!

191. Put the heater on and see if it makes any difference!

192. - I'll put it on warm. - Ah! That's better. Thanks.

193. Now, though, it was time for the tricky bits.

194. Building our roof.

195. James was in charge of the frame.

196. Hammond was in charge of the fasteners.

197. And I had the tough job,

198. cutting and sewing the canvas.

199. You know you want it 57 inches wide?

200. - Yeah? - The material you bought is 55 inches wide.

201. No matter. My sewing skills would compensate.

202. You never forget, really. It's like riding a bicycle.

203. You never forget how to sew.

204. Oh, damn and blast!

205. What? What have you done?

206. I've sewn myself to the machine!

207. - (ALL LAUGHING) - Don't!

208. James untangled me and asked me to help create a hoop for his frame.

209. - You've got that bit perfectly vertical in that, right? - Yup. Here we go.

210. This is the critical component of the whole design.

211. - And then that goes at right angles? - Yep.

212. - Oh, you utter klutz! - (LAUGHING)

213. Again. Top Gear, ambitious, but rubbish!

214. This may take some time.

215. Yes, and so we shall pick that up later.

216. But now the news.

217. And we start with the recent rise in petrol prices.

218. Yes, we do. I wanna start, if I may, by talking about organic peace crisps.

219. Eh? - You know the organic ones? Yeah?

220. They're about 20p a pack more than proper crisps. Okay?

221. The only difference is they've been fertilized with the excrement,

222. - human excrement of a Mexican farmer. Okay? - (ALL LAUGHING)

223. - Right. - No, that's true.

224. And nobody minds paying the 20p a pack more.

225. But if petrol goes up 1p, everyone runs around waving their arms in the air.

226. - Fair point. - And the thing is this, okay?

227. If you buy those crisps, the 20p goes to the Mexican sewage industry.

228. If you buy petrol

229. the money goes to the Government who spend it letting out foreign prisoners

230. so they can stab people.

231. Well, that's the way I see it.

232. Can I talk briefly about these four-seater cabriolets?

233. Ordinary four-seater cars that've been turned into cabriolets.

234. They've never worked with those metal folding roofs. And the reason is...

235. Well, if you look at them, they're a bit ungainly.

236. - Things like the Peugeot one, the Renault Megane one. - They're French!

237. No! The reason is...

238. No, the reason is they had to try and minimise

239. the amount of roof that you had to fold away.

240. To do that they extended the windscreen back halfway along the car

241. so they look ungainly.

242. No, it's because they're French, and the French always like to be first.

243. They didn't know how to do the roofing. It's like the French did that

244. first face transplant. You know.

245. - Yes. - (IN FRENCH ACCENT) We don't know what we're doing.

246. We have the bottom of a baboon, we'll put it on.

247. There we are. It's a face! Well, we're first.

248. Either way, with your theory.

249. The point is VW think they might have cracked this four-seater, metal, folding

250. roof cabriolet thing with the Eos.

251. - We have a picture of it. Now. - Hmm.

252. You see, that looks great!

253. And the reason it looks great is that the roof doesn't extend all the way back.

254. Look, that's a handsome car.

255. It is, I'm looking forward to driving that.

256. It costs about £19,500 to 26,000.

257. You can get a 3.2-litre V6. For sale in July.

258. - Jeremy? Did you, uh... - Yeah?

259. Did you come here in your GT today?

260. - No. - No!

261. - Did you decide to leave it at home this week? - Yeah!

262. You know perfectly well why I'm not in my GT today.

263. So you left... Is it at home?

264. - No! It's at the menders! - Oh!

265. Oh. Oh.

266. Now, the thing is, okay, all the stuff that was put on in England went wrong

267. as we knew before, okay.

268. One of the things they supplied was the trickle charger.

269. Put it away in the garage in October. October 4th.

270. On October 5th, it seems the trickle charger blew up.

271. So the battery wasn't being charged. When I came to start it, it wouldn't start.

272. Got a new trickle charger.

273. Six weeks later, this morning. Right, here we go.

274. Alarm came off perfectly. All the lights came on.

275. Pushed the button to start and all that started

276. - was the rear right-hand indicator. - (ALL LAUGHING)

277. We're not laughing.

278. - That start button. Have you ever thought of writing... - Yeah.

279. - "This is only the..." - (LAUGHING)

280. - "Start of your problems!" - Yes.

281. The thing is, I've...

282. I think I'm right in saying, I've never completed

283. a single journey anywhere there and back in it. Ever.

284. Which must make it the most unreliable car ever made.

285. In fact, if you've got a more unreliable one,

286. why don't you write to us at...

287. "Actually I've got a Peugeot." BBC Top Gear.

288. - (ALL LAUGHING) - 201 Wood Lane "London W12.

289. There's a man with a Peugeot!

290. Skip on down!

291. Bad news. Bad news.

292. While we were off air, some environmentalists broke into our track...

293. Oh, yeah.

294. And attempted to make, well, their own version of Top Gear.

295. - Yeah. - Now, we've managed to obtain their rushes,

296. their footage, and we'd like to show you what they came up with, if we may here.

297. Here's their chief presenter. He's a chap called David Cameron.

298. Green pressure group called the Conservative Party.

299. - That is the host, look. - (ALL LAUGHING)

300. That is our track. He's getting into a Ford Focus.

301. - With "Bio-Ethanol" written on it. - Yeah.

302. And away he goes.

303. He's going into the Hammer Head.

304. He must be doing 16 miles an hour now.

305. It's not very good this show, is it? No!

306. I don't think the environmentalists have quite got the hang of it at all.

307. - Oh, look, he's got an invalid carriage! Oh, dear.

308. There's someone in it, showing him how it works.

309. That's the rear-view mirror. You'll need that.

310. - There'll be loads of stuff behind you mate! - (ALL LAUGHING)

311. He's off. In his electric car. Oh, no!

312. He's turned the indicator on. I wouldn't do that. You'll wear the battery down.

313. No... Yes... He's doing... Wait a minute. What's wrong?

314. Oh, it's out of juice. Told him not to use the indicator. You see.

315. A professional would've known that.

316. Wait a minute. He's being pursued here by a woman in suspiciously flat shoes.

317. What she wants to know is whether the reason he came to the Top Gear track

318. was to send a message to Top Gear.

319. Jeremy Clarkson is actually my neighbour, in my constituency.

320. We live next-door to each other. We agree about many things.

321. But I'm afraid the environment isn't really one of them.

322. - You can say that again, sunshine! - (ALL LAUGHING)

323. - Wasn't very good, that was it? - No, it wasn't.

324. —Wasn't good at all. - I don't think they got the hang of it.

325. Hey now, have a look at this.

326. This is a Saab concept car. It's called the Aero X.

327. I think it looks actually pretty good. Would you agree?

328. Yeah, no, it does look fantastic.

329. And it's got, they say, the canopy of a jet fighter.

330. That's not needed. The only reason to have a canopy on a jet fighter

331. - is so you can see MiGs behind you. - Yes.

332. They're not gonna come at you out of the sun on the M4, are they?

333. Exactly. Exactly. That's the nature of my complaint.

334. None of this stuff ever gets made.

335. It's all lies, isn't it?

336. - Do you remember that Honda Civic concept car? - Mmm-hmm.

337. They said this thing is gonna have triangular exhaust pipes

338. and the door handles were gonna be like space rockets.

339. They said it was gonna be marvelous.

340. But guess what? It is.

341. This? This is something different.

342. Yes, it has a normal engine.

343. And, yes, it has four normal doors.

344. And a normal hatchback. And yes, it's made in Britain.

345. But look at it.

346. I was expecting a '60s tower block.

347. And they've given us the Guggenheim.

348. Look at these headlights.

349. And this Honda badge inside a Perspex trophy cabinet.

350. It's very Flash Gordon.

351. The back end also looks as though it's come from outer space.

352. And like I said,

353. the door handles look like the rockets that'll take you there.

354. And this is a Honda Civic.

355. Inside, they've continued the new tradition of breaking with tradition.

356. This dashboard is really groovy.

357. You've got a huge rev counter with a mystical blue halo around it.

358. It even tells you, look at this.

359. Whether or not your kids in the back have got their seat belts on.

360. And even that hazard warning button is a thing of beauty.

361. It's translucent and looks like a boiled sweet.

362. They're the sort of features you used to find in Citroens

363. during their magnificent quirky era.

364. But as this is a Civic, they probably won't fall off.

365. You just know that you'll still be enjoying this when you're as old as...

366. Well, as old as most Honda drivers are.

367. Now, this is a car you might actually buy,

368. so forgive me while I take a moment to deal with some real-world road test stuff.

369. Prices. This is a mid-range 1.8.

370. It costs around £15,000. That's about the same as a Ford Focus,

371. a bit less than a VW Golf. Fine.

372. The 1.8 petrol is reasonably quick in a straight line as is the 2.2 diesel.

373. And they both seem to be able to go around corners without crashing.

374. But there is some bad news.

375. The ride. Once you start going faster, it just gets a bit too choppy.

376. And, frankly, it could do with a bit more sound insulation.

377. I mean, I like an engine as much as anybody.

378. But I like it to be a fizzy V6 handcrafted in Italy.

379. This.

380. That's a rather dreary four-pot from rainy Swindon.

381. But these flaws aren't enough to put me off

382. because Honda has had the courage to keep the fabulous stuff we liked

383. when we saw this as a concept car.

384. These fantastic triangular exhausts, for example.

385. And then there's the big, red starter button.

386. I know it doesn't sound much, but if you come out of a Little Chef

387. on a wet Wednesday afternoon and you have to go to a marketing conference

388. that could just be enough to make you think, "No, I won't kill myself after all."

389. What this car does is something that the old Civic could never do,

390. something a Golf or a Focus or an Astra can't do either.

391. Let me put it this way, the space shuttle only does a job and it's white

392. but you'd never call it a white good.

393. Right, we've already said hello to our new dog

394. and as you can see, we have a new studio.

395. But now it's time to say a very sad farewell

396. to our reasonably priced car.

397. Yep. Sorry, but after 1,600 laps of the track,

398. 10 of which with Johnny Vegas at the wheel...

399. It's been through 400 tyres, 400 brake pads,

400. six clutches, two gear linkages and a wing mirror.

401. And now I'm afraid it's time to put the old Liana out to stud.

402. Yes, it is. But let's meet the car that will be replacing it.

403. Anyone want to guess what it is?

404. - What do you think? - What do you think?

405. Shout out.

406. - Chrysler. - A what?

407. A Chrysler, no. Not a Kia. It is in fact...

408. We got ourselves a Chevy!

409. - We have. Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

410. - (CHEERING) - Wait, wait, wait, wait!

411. - Wait, wait, wait, wait. - No!

412. I think they think it's a Corvette.

413. - They think it's a Corvette. - No. It's not a Corvette.

414. Or a Camaro. But, hey, here it is. The new car.

415. You know it as the Daewoo Nubira

416. - but it's not, it's a Lacetti. - Look at that!

417. £10,000 worth of Korean reasonableness.

418. Wow!

419. 1.8 litres. 119 brake horsepower.

420. - (MAN WHISTLING) - Top speed... I know!

421. Top speed, a dizzying 121 miles an hour.

422. - Mmm-mmm. - So it's more powerful than the Liana

423. and, of course, faster than the Liana.

424. which means our old celebrity lap time board is now redundant.

425. Yeah, so we got ourselves a new one.

426. And to get some names and some times

427. on it straightaway we're not having a star guest this week.

428. Instead, we hosted a sort of drop-in coffee morning for lots of them.

429. Richard and I arrived early to set up the coffee and the cakes.

430. - That's coffee and tea, yeah? - Yeah. Two sorts of jam.

431. - Right, all we need now are some celebrities. - Yeah.

432. Is it gonna be like Love Island?

433. You know, where they're all only famous

434. 'cause they once bought a car from someone

435. who lived in Anthea Turner's old house?

436. No, no, no, I've invited everyone in here.

437. Every single person in here has an invite.

438. - We're not gonna have enough biscuits, mate. - No, it'll be fine.

439. Our first guest was a bit of a surprise,

440. because we had no idea who he was.

441. - Who is he? - Haven't got a clue.

442. - Don't tell me you don't know. - No idea.

443. - You can say hello. - Hi, how are you?

444. - Welcome to Top Gear. - Thank you very much.

445. - This is Richard. - Hi.

446. - Hi, Richard. - So...

447. So... Done anything like this before?

448. - No, I'm a complete novice really at this. - Really?

449. Desperately we fished for clues which would give us a name.

450. So what are you up to these days?

451. I'm starting a bar and restaurant in Spain

452. and trying to wean myself off television work.

453. - No! Oh, my God! - Yeah.

454. - You sound disappointed. - No.

455. - You do quite a lot of driving, don't you? - Yeah.

456. - I enjoy driving. - Yeah.

457. This was hopeless so we bunged him in with the Stig for a few practice laps.

458. I mean he's only got a Mercedes 200D

459. so it's not like he's a multimillionaire.

460. What am I gonna write on the board?

461. As the well-spoken man pounded round the track,

462. a celebrity we'd had on before turned up.

463. How are you? I'm very well.

464. Alan Davies. Alan. Alan, Alan.

465. Alan Davies. Come along, please.

466. As Hammond welcomed the famous Alan Davies,

467. I explained the new rules to the well-spoken man.

468. Now, in the past, okay. People who came down here

469. did five or six laps, okay?

470. Practice laps. And we took their best time.

471. - From out of the five. - From out of the five.

472. That's not happening any more. What's happening now is

473. - you're gonna get five practice laps, okay? - Right.

474. Five. And then on your sixth lap we get the stopwatch out.

475. - Is that okay? - Fantastic.

476. So that's it. You spin off, tough.

477. Three, two, one! Go!

478. Best of luck.

479. Whoever you are.

480. Here he comes up to Gambon!

481. Yes, he's still aggressive.

482. Crossed the line.

483. I am going to put your time on the board.

484. - Oh, gosh, how embarrassing this is gonna be. - (LAUGHING)

485. Not as embarrassing as it is for me.

486. - Where do you think you've come? - Oh, God, I don't know.

487. - I don't... - (ALL LAUGHING)

488. The fastest lap you did was your timed lap. 1:47:6.

489. Yeah!

490. - Congratulations. You're in the lead. - (ALL LAUGHING)

491. - You are in the lead. - Thank you for being so generous.

492. Then it was Alan's turn and he really was giving it his all.

493. Look at him! Wrestling to stay in control of the powerful Lacetti.

494. And when he lost it, it really scared him.

495. - Oh, my God. - That's a crash. Oh!

496. Whilst he was gormlessly pounding round,

497. another former guest turned up, actor Trevor Eve.

498. Hello.

499. I said that's tea, it may not be.

500. We're doing well. So far we've got Alan Davies,

501. - who's out there as we speak. - Yeah.

502. - And there was a man and we don't know who he was. - Very smart.

503. The last time Trevor had been on the show, he'd had a bit of a disaster

504. when the wheel came off the Liana.

505. And this time, while on his fourth and final practice lap...

506. I broke this one as well.

507. What have you done to it?

508. The clutch has gone. It's only done 26 miles.

509. And life for the Lacetti wasn't about to get any easier.

510. New studio? New studio.

511. - But more importantly new car. - I love what you've done.

512. The Prince of Darkness had arrived, Jimmy Carr.

513. Dressed like an old man, jeans and a jacket.

514. Should have greyed up my hair as well.

515. - (TYRES SCREECHING) - That's Trevor Eve.

516. Oh, my God!

517. - He seemed a bit angry. Are things okay at home? - (LAUGHING)

518. Trevor was ready for his timed lap.

519. This is the handbook for the car.

520. Use the following precautions for the first few hundred miles.

521. - Avoid full-throttle starts. - (ALL LAUGHING)

522. So let's take stock.

523. Alan had done a 1:50.3. And as for Trevor Eve?

524. - Where do you reckon? - Oh, here we go.

525. He really, really missed one, eh? (LAUGHING)

526. You were a 1:48.

527. - Passable in the Suzuki Liana. - Yeah.

528. - You did it in one minute... You 1:47.6 to beat. - Yeah.

529. One minute, 40...

530. - Seven... - Uh!

531. - Point... - Uh!

532. - Zero. - Oh!

533. - You are at the top of our new board, Trevor Eve. - Very good.

534. For how long, though?

535. - Shouldn't be a problem. - (ALL LAUGHING)

536. While Jimmy was limbering up, our next guest arrived.

537. Justin out of The Darkness.

538. There you go. - I'm freezing.

539. When the sun's out it's a beautiful day.

540. I feel our garden party's working well.

541. Meanwhile.

542. And he wasn't finished yet.

543. - (TYRES SCREECH) - Uff.

544. What you're doing, Jimmy, is slowly destroying this car.

545. - Yeah? - Yeah.

546. And we don't know how many other celebrities might arrive

547. this afternoon that wanna go and we'll have to say, "Car wrecked."

548. I'm having a little cry. My name's Richard.

549. Three, two, one.

550. Go!

551. Well, that happened again. It's over-firing.

552. I'm moving back.

553. As a former lap board leader, Jimmy couldn't afford to lose it.

554. This is it, second to last corner.

555. He's lost it. No, he's got it back!

556. He's lost it. He's held it. It's huge! It's huge!

557. Oh, she's gone!

558. He's gone on his timed lap.

559. - That's cost him. Cost him dear.

560. That is...

561. I think I'm in with a shot, Jeremy.

562. You did it

563. in the slowest ever time,

564. two minutes, 8.9 seconds.

565. Well done, Jimmy Carr, that's brilliant.

566. - Jimmy Carr, you're down there. - Truly hopeless.

567. It's not a good car, that's what happened there.

568. While one rock god was practising...

569. (CHUCKLES) Jeez!

570. another one arrived, Rick Wakeman, no less.

571. If we'd have known Rick was coming,

572. I'd have got dry ice for the whole track.

573. Justin was giving it all on his flying lap.

574. But I'm afraid we'd become distracted by our very own concert in the park.

575. Pray, damn you, pray!

576. (LAUGHS) I'm in the '70s!

577. I'm in the '70s!

578. Yeah!

579. And, for an encore.

580. - Do you know Les Ferdinand? - I know of Les Ferdinand.

581. Les Ferdinand, Justin Hawkins.

582. Nice to meet you.

583. 1:48.4.

584. - There you go. - That's not bad.

585. That is there.

586. Up next, rock god senior.

587. Rick Wakeman's just announced he's had several heart attacks in his life.

588. - (ENGINE REVS) - Watch it, Rick, watch it.

589. - (TYRES SCREECHING) - Oh! He could let go at any time.

590. Now Rick's keyboard solos are known for being quite long.

591. But they were nothing compared to his lap.

592. The problem is, he'll be all over the dashboard like this.

593. Yeah.

594. And through Gambon on all four wheels.

595. Rick eventually did it in 1:55.3,

596. and then suddenly remembered that a Les Ferdinand goal in 1992

597. had relegated his beloved football team, Man City.

598. Rick, you've got to let it go, Rick.

599. You ran the whole length of the pitch, you bloody well beat everybody

600. and scored a fantastic goal and I've never been so pissed off in my entire life.

601. Then Rick wanted one of our lady biscuits.

602. Three of the lady's cakes have gone. Can I ask, um...

603. It was him.

604. Things were getting out of hand.

605. Oh, you pillock! We'll have to ask for that back.

606. Do you think that man's wondering what's going on?

607. Thanks.

608. So far, Trevor Eve had set the fastest time of the day.

609. Les was now the only man who could beat him, and boy,

610. was he on a mission.

611. Everybody, can you be ready?

612. If he loses it on the second to last corner,

613. he's gonna drive straight through the tea tray.

614. Wait. This is quick. No, it's too quick!

615. - That was rally driving. - Yes, it was.

616. - I wanted to be up there. - (BANGING BOARD)

617. I'm not sure I've done it.

618. You've got 1:47 to beat.

619. One,

620. 40...

621. - Seven... - Oh, you're joking!

622. - Point four. - So if I hadn't gone off there I'd have smashed that.

623. - You'd have smashed it. - I would have smashed that...

624. - That was a good time. - It was a good time.

625. But he's never going to be happy with it.

626. I'm not happy. Don't clap for me. Don't clap for that.

627. He's going to play something suitable.

628. Does that make you feel better?

629. I'm just gonna sulk off and walk down there.

630. That's the walking away music, isn't it?

631. He's never, ever going to... Look.

632. This is now weird.

633. Bit difficult to tell, really, after a day like that,

634. but we think that the new Lacetti may be around a second a lap quicker

635. than the old Liana.

636. But we'll find out for certain next week

637. when the star in a reasonably priced car feature returns to normal.

638. Anyway, enough of that. It's time for diesel news!

639. Now, this is a JCB.

640. It's powered by a four-cylinder diesel engine

641. which develops round about 125 brake horsepower.

642. And then of course gives it a top speed of 6mph.

643. However, they've now taken two of those engines,

644. they've spanked them up to 750 horsepower each

645. and they've put them both in that.

646. Yes, this is the Diesel Max.

647. And it's JCB's attempt at breaking the world land speed record

648. for diesel powered cars.

649. Now this JCB isn't gonna be driven by a bloke in a vest with his bum crack showing.

650. It will in fact be driven by the current absolute world land speed record holder,

651. Wing Commander Andy Green.

652. Who, from the size of the thing, in order to get in, he must be about six.

653. Indeed. And assuming he does get in,

654. they're going to take it to the Bonneville Salt Flats in America,

655. where they are going to be attempting to crack 300 miles an hour.

656. And if they do do that, they'll dig it all up so that no-one else can have a go.

657. Enough. I've an announcement to make.

658. On April 14, at precisely 3:00 in the afternoon,

659. I bade farewell to the greatest love of my life.

660. I gave up smoking.

661. And don't we know it!

662. I'm calm, I'm calm.

663. And you see the thing is, okay, there are a number of products on the market

664. to help get over the craving, okay?

665. There's this chap who helps himself

666. to everything in your wallet every time you want a fag.

667. There's DVDs, there's books, there's gum, there's patches.

668. But the thing is I have now found the greatest cure for the craving.

669. It comes from Sweden and it's called a Koenigsegg CCX.

670. The first Koenigsegg was quite a car.

671. It still holds the record for the biggest speeding ticket ever issued.

672. 242 miles an hour in Texas.

673. Road tested that car a couple of years ago

674. and it was a nightmare for our camera crews

675. 'cause they couldn't keep up with it in the panning shots.

676. And I don't think they're gonna like this one much either 'cause, um,

677. it's even faster.

678. The old car topped out on our runway at 174mph.

679. So let's see what this one can do.

680. 0-60, 3.2 seconds.

681. I'm already at 158.

682. 175, 178, 183,

683. 188, 190.

684. It's getting awfully edgy.

685. Oh, my God, it's swerving!

686. It's really... This is bad.

687. What a machine! That's quicker than anything that's been here before.

688. By a long way.

689. Given enough space, this will get to 250 miles an hour.

690. And that puts it awfully close to the Bugatti Veyron.

691. There are three main reasons for this.

692. It's very light. The whole car is made from carbon fibre.

693. It's also very slippery. It has the drag coefficient of a fish.

694. But mostly, the oomph comes from under the bonnet.

695. The old car had a Ford engine which developed 655 brake horsepower.

696. This one has an engine made by Koenigsegg themselves.

697. It's a twin-supercharged 4.7-litre V8

698. and it develops 806 brake horsepower.

699. 806 brake horsepower.

700. That's about that much.

701. And that's on that limp-wristed fairy liquid, the Americans call petrol.

702. If you run this on the more explosive jungle juice we have here in Europe

703. you'll be getting 850bhp.

704. Oh, and I'll give you a little tip.

705. If you tune this engine to run on environmentally friendly bio-fuel,

706. you'll be getting 900 brake horsepower.

707. Should get Bill Oddie one of these.

708. For the first time in weeks,

709. I can put my hand on my heart right now and say, "I don't want a cigarette."

710. I just want more of this!

711. Who needs nicotine?

712. The sound is just astonishing!

713. I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for, "Oh, no! My head's just exploded!"

714. And in here, no one can hear you scream.

715. It really does beg a question,

716. why have they fitted a radio?

717. You couldn't even hear Chris Moyles on that.

718. The reason why it has a radio is

719. the same reason why this new car is slightly taller than the old one,

720. because it's supposed to be easier to drive and easier to live with.

721. You still get the mad doors that open vertically.

722. Although you want to make sure you don't park alongside a tall kerb for obvious reasons.

723. And you still get this roof which lifts out so that the car becomes a convertible.

724. Inside, you still get the Blake's 7 controls,

725. but because it's now taller, even Dennis Rodman could fit behind the wheel

726. and experience the terror.

727. And I do mean terror.

728. I mean, this develops more than 800 brake horsepower,

729. but there's no rear spoiler to push those massive rear tyres into the road.

730. There's no traction control either.

731. And the rear window is just, um...

732. It's just a porthole, so you can't see what's behind.

733. Still, the time has come to show it some corners

734. and see what's what.

735. Unlike any other supercar, a Ford TT or a Zonda or

736. even an Enzo,

737. this doesn't feel sanitised or tame.

738. It's just completely wild and mad.

739. It's raw, vicious, unbridled power.

740. And if you overstep the mark, even slightly, it'll kill you.

741. The old car was very, very fast and very difficult to drive.

742. This is even faster and still very difficult to drive. Whoa!

743. Koenigsegg say this is more comfortable, but more comfortable than what?

744. Being stabbed?

745. God, it's fun, though!

746. In recent weeks, a craving for nicotine

747. has made me angry with everything, even trees.

748. It's just completely the wrong colour.

749. What's this? It's a twig. Why? Why is it there?

750. Look at it!

751. But here with the Koenigsegg, I have found a substitute for smoking.

752. It's called smoking!

753. Grown-up car with no roof.

754. So, come on, then, how much is this giant nicotine patch?

755. £415,000.

756. So it is quite a lot cheaper to smoke?

757. It's safer to smoke as well.

758. You know I've been banging on about the rear wing on the back of it, okay?

759. You don't need a rear wing on the back of your Vauxhall Corsa.

760. - No, you don't. - Or a Ford Fiesta but a car like this,

761. I think really does need one, something to push the back end down.

762. Anyway, we must now find out how fast it goes round our track,

763. so we must hand it over to our tame racing driver.

764. Some say that his ears aren't exactly where you'd expect them to be,

765. and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott.

766. All we know is he's called The Stig.

767. Away he goes and this car really is within a shout of setting a new lap record here.

768. Does sound a bit like The Stig's short-shifting,

769. but they have taken off the rev limit.

770. He doesn't want to lunch the engine.

771. First corner there.

772. Ooh! You see, the back's stepping out already,

773. but he's on it in a moment.

774. Do you have a map?

775. That should explain Stig's new in-car entertainment is languages for beginners.

776. And this week, it's Italian.

777. Holding that. Chicago nicely done.

778. Spit of flame. Here's the Hammerhead.

779. This could be where it all comes undone.

780. No, no, he's holding onto that beautifully.

781. Snap of over steer on the way out.

782. Now he can really open the taps.

783. An ice cream, please.

784. Over 800 horsepower charging up towards the tyre wall. This should be quick.

785. Come on, Stig. Keep it on, keep it on. Oh-ho! Looking good!

786. Two corners left. Don't throw it all away here, Stig.

787. You've got the Zonda to beat. Zonda's in sight.

788. Only Gambon left.

789. Hard on the brakes, turn in,

790. flick of opposite lock and across the line!

791. - So? Does it? - So?

792. Okay.

793. It has got the Zonda F to beat.

794. That's 1:18.4.

795. Gotta know. Come on.

796. And it did it in 1:20.4.

797. - Oh! - Right down here.

798. You see, all that power, but without the down force, there it is.

799. CCX, that's the difference.

800. - Yeah, correctly spelt. - Yeah. The quicker one.

801. Do you know, I think the only time that Zonda F

802. is going to get knocked off the board, is when Bugatti

803. finally let us put a Veyron round our track.

804. You say that,

805. but having posted this time, Stig said, "You know what?

806. "I reckon if I don't short-shift

807. "and I'm a bit more brave in the corners,

808. "I reckon I can go faster than that."

809. - Who'd like to see that attempt? - Yes, please.

810. Yes!

811. Play the tape.

812. Right, he's off again and this is the one. Okay.

813. Into Chicago, he's really, really piling it on through there.

814. Look at that. So beautifully controlled.

815. Hammerhead. Feeling for grip.

816. I've gotta say, that does look faster.

817. Now, go on, power! Come on, Stig! Get on the power!

818. 806 brake horsepower thundering down at 130 mph. He's lost the back...

819. He's lost it! He's off!

820. Oh, my God!

821. Oh, my God! That's a big one.

822. That's the first time The Stig's ever, ever been off this track.

823. Here it is again in slow-motion.

824. You can see the back steps out, no down force, he corrects it,

825. but there just isn't enough track and that's a big tyre wall he's been through there.

826. God! That is a big accident.

827. That is a properly big accident.

828. - It's so... Look, it's eaten the tyre wall! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

829. Look, there's the advantage of carbon fibre for you.

830. - Hardly any damage at all. - Cheap to repair as well.

831. Well, cheaper than chewing gum with nicotine in it, that's for sure.

832. Thing is though, okay, after the accident,

833. Stig said, he reckons this car would be four seconds faster than it was

834. if it had a big wing on the back,

835. so Koenigsegg have announced that they're going to take it back to Sweden,

836. put a wing on it, then they're going to bring it back here to see what it can really do.

837. - That I want to see. Definitely. - So do I.

838. Now earlier on in the programme we embarked on a little project

839. to see how hard it could be

840. to make a convertible people carrier.

841. Behind these doors, we had created a masterpiece.

842. As you can see, Hammond's done a very thorough job along here

843. of anchoring the roof at the front.

844. We've replaced the glass that was broken and that

845. obviously does tuck under there.

846. This... That's not a safety feature.

847. There's James's folding arrangement that gets it all down,

848. but it's the back where we're really pleased,

849. because what we've done is we've cut the tailgate in half.

850. So you come back with heavy shopping, you undo all these,

851. takes no more than five or 10 minutes

852. and then we've hinged it here, so you can pull the whole thing open

853. and load up the boot.

854. I mean, yes, there are one or two rough edges. Here, for example.

855. But on the whole, we are very proud of it.

856. To see how good our roof would be in real world conditions,

857. the production team came up with a number of tests.

858. - Now, our first challenge. - Yes, indeed. Let's have it, professor. Right.

859. No idea what this is.

860. "Challenge One, you must drive the car with the roof up at the speed of 100mph

861. "without anything breaking or falling off." Well, it won't.

862. Good. Let's do it.

863. Obviously, we couldn't do this on the road,

864. so we went to the Millbrook Proving Ground in Bedfordshire,

865. where there's a two-mile banked circuit.

866. - It's been nice, chaps. Working with you. - Yeah!

867. Normally, I wouldn't wear a helmet for this.

868. - No, but on this occasion... - But today I am.

869. - Are you ready, boys? - Yeah! Braced and ready.

870. - Here we go! - Do it!

871. 35, 36 miles an hour.

872. There's a bit of a draft here from these windows.

873. Wouldn't they have to look at that?

874. Things were going well until we blasted past the 50 mile an hour barrier.

875. - Guys! - What?

876. Car issues happening back here.

877. - What's with... - Oh, no!

878. - The stitching is rubbish! - Oh, no!

879. It's fine. Keep going. - It's your stitching...

880. That's because your stitching came apart.

881. - Oh-oh. What was that? - It's all collapsed in the back!

882. It's on my head.

883. - It's still on! - My head's holding it up!

884. - That's fine. - Just stay where you are.

885. 65, 66!

886. - Here we go! - 69!

887. Yes!

888. She's breaking up! She's breaking up!

889. Come on, you useless piece of junk!

890. I am now part of it! I'm structurally integral to the roof!

891. It's really not good back here!

892. 96!

893. It's not good! It's not good, at all!

894. 97!

895. - Yeah! - (ALL CHEERING)

896. It's 100 miles an hour!

897. I'm easing her down now. I'm easing her down.

898. So, we'd survived that. Just.

899. And Richard and I decided to get the roof down.

900. James said this would take but a moment.

901. Surely if we...

902. Where does that go?

903. Neatness we can work on.

904. See, from a distance, it actually looks quite good!

905. Look at that!

906. This isn't its best side though, 'cause it's got the hinges on it.

907. It looks better from the other side!

908. Righto! Next challenge!

909. You must now go to Woburn Abbey Safari Park,

910. and drive your convertible through the wild animal enclosures.

911. Righto.

912. Fine.

913. - Well, there are lions. - You don't want to worry about the lions.

914. It's the monkeys you've got to worry about.

915. What?

916. Have you seen a lion? Massive, pointy teeth.

917. Monkeys. (MIMICS HOOTING) They don't scare me.

918. I do 'cause they're Barbary ape monkeys and they're really vicious.

919. They've got really, really vicious teeth.

920. All right, put it this way.

921. If you were to be locked in a phone box for half an hour

922. - with A, a monkey or B, a lion... - Exactly.

923. - There you go. What would you go for? - The lion.

924. - What? - Because monkeys, in confined spaces,

925. those Barbary monkeys, they panic and they get really incredibly violent.

926. I just love the way that James thinks that monkeys are in some way

927. the greatest peril we're facing in the next hour of our lives.

928. Normally, Woburn does not allow convertibles into its dangerous animal enclosures,

929. but they were so impressed with the structural integrity of ours,

930. they made an exception.

931. Ah! Ah! Ah! I'm scared. Look, it's like Jurassic Park!

932. Should I film? It is Jurassic Park.

933. Please keep your doors and windows closed

934. and under no circumstances, go in in a homemade convertible Renault Espace.

935. - These animals... May bite!

936. The African lion. Six tonnes of muscle and teeth.

937. To anyone from Woburn. Have these lions been fed?

938. No, they're on a starve day today.

939. Excuse me, it's Jeremy again. Did you say they were on a starve day?

940. Yes. We feed them twice a week,

941. which is more similar to the feeding regime they'd have in the wild.

942. So when did they last eat?

943. Two days ago.

944. Yeah, but...

945. If you mention monkeys, I'm throwing you out!

946. - Whoa, stop, stop! - Holy mother!

947. - That'd be the spine of... - That's the last person who came through in a convertible.

948. To him, we look like a sandwich box with a lid half off.

949. Fortunately, the lions had other things on their minds.

950. - Oh, look, what's going on? - Oh, no, he's...

951. That's lion porn!

952. - Oh, what are you doing, man? - What if he tries to do that to us?

953. With my point made, we left the lions

954. and headed for the peril of the monkeys.

955. Oh, aah! Monkeys!

956. (YELLS) Some of them are like a foot tall!

957. He's eating a carrot! Look what he's doing to it!

958. But then, a really big one rocked up.

959. - Attack monkey! - Aargh! Get off!

960. - That's a Barbary ape, that's who he is. - (CLARKSON SCREAMING)

961. - No, you've got to stay there after you mocked me! - Bugger off!

962. Ooh, another one on the front.

963. Please can we go?

964. We had to leave with our roof mascot still in place

965. because it was time for our final challenge.

966. "Modern convertibles are capable of driving through automated carwash machines.

967. "You must now do the same with your car."

968. The carwash selected for the test was brand new.

969. It had cost the owner a million pounds and featured the latest technology

970. to deliver the cleaning power of a category five hurricane.

971. Has anyone else suddenly become slightly nervous?

972. Yes, I'm terrified. I'm scared.

973. - It's quite cold this evening as well, isn't it? - Yeah.

974. It's bloody freezing. Let's have the heater on a bit.

975. Yeah.

976. - Ooh, here we go! I'm not nervous. - No, I'm not nervous.

977. - It's fine. - It'll be good, it'll just... You know, flap around a bit.

978. - My confidence is waning. - I'm dry!

979. Yeah.

980. There's a light mist coming in to the car.

981. No, that's just condensation.

982. It's a bit of mist, but that's fine.

983. I'm dry still!

984. - I'm wet now! - I've suddenly got a bad, bad, bad feeling about this.

985. There's a great big roller coming up!

986. The window's come in and the roof isn't...

987. - Oh! Oh, my God! Get out! Get out! Get out! - I'm trying to!

988. - The door locks aren't... - Get out!

989. - I can't get out! - Get out on this side!

990. I'm out!

991. - I can't watch! - You have to go through there!

992. - Are you through? - Just get out.

993. Get out. Just get out.

994. - Keep running. - Run!

995. Over there!

996. - That's bad. - That was bad.

997. - Uh, it's on fire. It's what?

998. - Absolutely murdered... - It can't be on fire!

999. It's on fire. It's on fire.

1000. Just run.

1001. Just run.

1002. Oops!

1003. The thing is...

1004. The thing is, we managed to set fire to something

1005. that's basically made of water!

1006. How did you do that?

1007. Did you see the owner of the carwash afterwards?

1008. He was cross. Very cross.

1009. He was especially cross when I rang him up and asked him for our £3.50 back.

1010. - Not good. - We asked earlier on how hard it would be

1011. to make a convertible people carrier.

1012. - The answer is very. - Yeah, very.

1013. And on that crushing disappointment, it's time to end the show,

1014. so from the four of us, thanks for watching.

1015. See you next week, good night!