Top Gear 2x9

1. Tonight, Captain Jean-Luc Picard at warp point 0001.

2. The Dutch have made a car.

3. And be still my beating heart, a new Vauxhall saloon.

4. Good evening and welcome to the show that has wheels.

5. As I'm sure you know, we have a test track outside our base here,

6. which we use to test the really fast stuff,

7. the Porsches, the Ferraris, the Lamborghinis.

8. And this week, the S60R,

9. which (EXCLAIMING) is a Volvo.

10. Don't think, however, that we've brought a bit of sanity

11. to our world of noise and squealing tyres,

12. because Volvo say this is a rival to the BMW M3.

13. To be honest, it's hard to see what they're on about.

14. It's got a phone, fabulously comfortable seats, cruise control,

15. and it feels soft and flobbery, like a big, woolly bison.

16. It's not that fast, either. It may have a turbo and two intercoolers,

17. but it's still only developed 300 brake horsepower,

18. way less than you get from the Germans.

19. It's only when you really concentrate that you start to pick up the clues.

20. The big alloy wheels.

21. The blue engine cover.

22. The seats, which seem to have been made out of David Dickinson.

23. And those three little buttons on the dash: comfort, sport,

24. and advanced.

25. These buttons are the key that unlocks Volvo's new Sky Hook system.

26. Now, this is a system that's got more computing power than the CIA.

27. So, let's push "sport",

28. and let's partially disengage one of the traction controls.

29. There. Now let's see what happens.

30. Now, at this precise moment, the computer is thinking,

31. "Ah-ha, that front wheel's losing grip, so I'm going to apply the brake to that.

32. "I'm going to back the engine power off, and what little power there is,

33. "I'm going to send it to the back to see if I can get the back out.

34. "And then I'm gonna pump the shock absorber up here,

35. "to see if that'll make a difference."

36. And then, five hundredths of a second later, it changes its mind!

37. This thing's, "No, no, no, this has got all the power in the world.

38. "I'm gonna unleash the engine's power, get it all coming to the front.

39. "Back it off to the back, get the back brakes on."

40. From in here, I have no idea that any of this is going on.

41. It's very relaxing.

42. I can just sit here, listening to the excellent stereo,

43. and speculate on whether or not these seats are really David Dickinson at all.

44. They might be an offcut of Dale Winton.

45. A choice cut of Dale.

46. So the combination of four-wheel drive

47. and two very clever traction control systems

48. make this a safe, stylish, likeable,

49. but slightly boring, medium-speed cruiser.

50. A rival for the BMW M3? I don't think so.

51. Of course, the good thing about this technology

52. is that when you've finished clowning around,

53. you can put the suspension back into comfort, bison, mode,

54. sink a little more deeply into Dale Winton, and bumble home

55. in your trilby.

56. Volvo style.

57. So what happened to all that usual pointless

58. skidding around in a cloud of smoke, headlights on rubbish?

59. It won't do it! It won't do it! Honestly.

60. It's almost as though the Volvo bosses said to their engineers,

61. "Go away, chaps. Let your hair down.

62. "None of that usual Dancing Queen, let's have the full Ozzy Osbourne."

63. They were a year working on it, and all they've done is

64. made the normal S60 a little bit safer.

65. I know what you mean. Okay, I've got the brochure here,

66. And I've never seen so many of these stupid acronyms for driver controls.

67. Look, they've got DCC, wheel-hop control,

68. DSTC, C-R-A-P... What does it all... I mean, can you turn it off?

69. The normal thing is in a normal car when you want to turn the traction control off,

70. you just have a button. Push it, and it's off.

71. Not in this, though. It says here

72. that you're not allowed to do this unless you're "highly experienced".

73. Then it says that in order to do this,

74. you have to press the button five times, in succession,

75. "with a certain frequency."

76. Oh, God!

77. Does it tell you what the frequency is?

78. No, but this is the country that cracked the Enigma code,

79. so we had no problem working out what it was.

80. And then when we'd got it off, we gave the car to The Stig.

81. So, away he goes. Now, remember, the traction control is completely switched off

82. and the suspension is in advanced mode,

83. which Volvo says makes the S60 behave like a pure racing car, apparently.

84. Stig's paying tribute to The Walrus of Love there. He's looking tidy round Chicago.

85. Not especially fast, it must be said. The real test here, the Hammerhead.

86. There's plenty of understeer. Oh, dear, that's not good!

87. Nothing like a pure racing car, that, in fact! Down to the Follow-through.

88. That is quick. Ooh, careful, Stig!

89. Now, coming up into the penultimate bend...

90. Lurching a bit there over the first section.

91. The Volvo was four seconds down on the M3.

92. It slews through Gambon, and across the line!

93. And the time was 1 minute, 35 seconds dead.

94. - Aw... - So that goes

95. - there, basically. 1 minute 35 dead. - There.

96. Which is still 3.2 slower than the M3, which is a lot.

97. It is a lot, but look at it this way.

98. It's less expensive than the M3

99. - and it's less embarrassing than driving an M3. - Deeply less embarrassing.

100. And the great thing about the S60 is that you can have it as an estate car.

101. And actually, that is really nice.

102. - I think that is fabulous. I love that. - It's very, very good.

103. So what I'd do is buy an Audi S4.

104. Yes. Good idea. Right, the news.

105. Now, it has been a bad week for the Church of England, what with them being unable

106. to decide whether they're in favour of homosexual canons and bishops or not,

107. and it all got a bit complicated.

108. But they can take cheer from this. It's the Ford Focus C-MAX.

109. Basically, it's a Focus, but a little bit taller.

110. See? Your bishop can get in there, quite easily, with the mitre on, no problem.

111. It's gonna be priced competitively with Vauxhall Safira and things like that.

112. But, key difference, Vauxhall Safira has seven seats.

113. - Seven seats. Five seats. - This has five.

114. So it's exactly the same as we said.

115. But you can drive it if you're a punk rocker... If you've got a mohican,

116. - this is the car... - That would be the car.

117. So, it's punk rockers, bishops...

118. Surviving First World War German soldiers with pointy helmets...

119. - I think it's a load of rubbish, that. - Yes, I'm inclined to I agree.

120. - Now, the Conservatives. (WEAKLY) Boo!

121. - Mixed response. - No, mixed response there.

122. Actually, this is the BBC, so we're impartial.

123. Anyway, the Conservatives have decided that in order to win votes,

124. they've said that if they're elected, they're gonna up the motorway speed limit to 80mph.

125. - (AUDIENCE CHEERING) - Hooray.

126. Do away with the vast majority of speed cameras.

127. - A purge of speed bumps. Hooray!

128. And, best of all, they will abolish the M4 bus lane!

129. But...

130. This is great, however, the government, the Labour Party,

131. not to be outdone, have announced just this week

132. that they, if they're elected, are going to widen every road in the land.

133. At this rate, honestly, the Lib Dems will be on next week,

134. "Free Ferraris for everybody!"

135. "And you can have a Lambo!"

136. Here's a proper piece of British ingenuity.

137. A bloke called Geoff, he's made a steam-powered bicycle,

138. after 30 years' work. He started work on it in 1972.

139. Roughly 250 years after the steam engine was invented.

140. It's not really on the cutting edge, is it now?

141. What this bloke has done, he's taken one old technology, one outdated technology,

142. He's combined them to create something genuinely useless. This is the best bit.

143. It runs on unleaded petrol. A steam engine.

144. Why not just put the unleaded petrol in a moped?

145. He says, "It gives me such a thrill after all these years' work." I should think so.

146. - "And I just ride her around steam fairs." - "Her."

147. "Her." Yes. Well, it's a steam engine. They're all girls.

148. Well, what about people who refer to their cars as "she"?

149. - I find that scary. - What is it about giving cars names?

150. Now is this something that only women do?

151. 'Cause I said this down at the pub the other day and nearly got my head kicked in.

152. Has any bloke here ever called their car something like "Minnie the Micra"

153. or anything like that?

154. Hands up if you've ever named your car. Have any women here named their cars?

155. - Yes! - Look at that.

156. What's the name of your car?

157. - Miles. - Miles? Good.

158. Miles, that's a good one.

159. - What's the name of your car, then? - Mr T.

160. Mr T? Is it big and black with jewellery all over it?

161. It's a Toyota.

162. - A Toyota? - Toyota MR2.

163. So you call a Toyota MR2,

164. not Graham Norton, which is its real name...

165. There we are. Now, big news.

166. Very big news. Rover has announced that it is going to launch a new...

167. Well, basically, a Metro, isn't it? I've got a picture of it here.

168. - This is an important car. - This is a genuinely, properly important car.

169. There we are. It's called the CityRover.

170. And it's got five doors. Very small car. It will cost between £6,500 and 8,500.

171. That doesn't look, A, very nice, or, B, anything like a Rover.

172. And there's a very good reason for that.

173. It's because it's actually made by a company called Tata, in India,

174. and then it's shipped over here where we nail some Rover badges to it.

175. Why can't we do it?

176. - What, make a small car? - Why can't we, in Britain, the country

177. that gave the world the jet engine, and penicillin and the telephone...

178. Why can't Rover make their own small car?

179. They always turn around and say it's because our labour costs are so high.

180. That's the reason you always get.

181. Rubbish, though! 'Cause the German labour costs are off the scale.

182. - They can make Polos and Lupos... - Yeah.

183. Why can't we do it? Why can't we do it?

184. We're a pathetic bunch of second-raters,

185. and now Rover have been around the world hammering the point home.

186. - There is another Rover. Wanna see it? - Yes! This is a beauty.

187. This is called the Streetwise. Okay?

188. Now, this is basically... They're saying it's an urban on-roader.

189. Now, if we analyse that...

190. An urban on-roader is a car designed to go on the road in towns.

191. Clever. - So, it's a car, isn't it?

192. - Essentially, yes. - Effectively, it's a 25, isn't it?

193. Onto which they've nailed some polyurethane bumpers.

194. There you are, look, polyurethane front end, and they've jacked it up a bit.

195. They are saying that it has got a split folding rear seat.

196. - Like a car? - Like a car.

197. It's available with a selection of petrol and diesel power units.

198. - Like a car. - That is clever, yeah.

199. Various transmissions.

200. Three trim levels.

201. Car-like. Yup, very car-like.

202. "It's fun to drive, handy in traffic, easy to park,

203. "and able to shrug off hard use by active individuals and young families."

204. They've put some thought into this, haven't they?

205. "Has elements of the SUV appeal." No, it doesn't. It's not four-wheel drive.

206. "With good ground clearance and ruggedness,

207. "but without the coughs and complexity of 4x4 transmission."

208. - It's a car. - It's a car.

209. "At the same time, it offers good all-round performance

210. "and capability out of town, from motorways to farm tracks."

211. - So you can drive out of town as well? - Yeah.

212. It's not just an urban on-roader, it's a motorway on-roader, as well!

213. That's amazing!

214. And it can do farm tracks. But nothing too difficult.

215. Now, just to show you how topical we are on this programme,

216. look what we've got here. It's the new Mazda RX-8,

217. and it arrived this morning on a plane from Japan.

218. Here's the proof, look, on the windscreen, Japanese bird poo! With SARS.

219. Now, you're looking and you're thinking, "Yes, very nice.

220. "Wankel rotary engine, £20,000.

221. "But there's lots of other coupes I could get for that."

222. Sure there are. Nissan Z car, Audi TT, Toyota Celica and so forth.

223. And so forth. But, none of those can do this.

224. There's the front door. And if you want to get in the back...

225. Look at that! Isn't it brilliant? We're absolutely sold on that here.

226. We wanted James to go and test it. But he said, "No,

227. "I'd rather go to Germany and drive an American car that runs on seawater."

228. The car has been with us for over 100 years now.

229. And in all that time, it's been evolving really rather nicely.

230. But let's be honest, it's never really changed.

231. Until now.

232. This is the General Motors Hy-wire.

233. Now, it looks pretty much like a car, it's got wheels and windows and what have you.

234. But it represents a complete revolution in the way a car works.

235. Everything that makes the Hy-wire go, stop and steer is contained

236. in an 11-inch deep chassis underneath here somewhere.

237. Now, there's no engine or drive train. All that's gone.

238. There's no gearbox to worry about.

239. There's no fascia, no pedals, there are no mechanical linkages

240. between the driver and the driving.

241. It's all replaced with this. It's a computer cable.

242. And this isn't science fiction.

243. I'm going to drive it.

244. Being British, you'll notice that I've got into the wrong side of the car.

245. But actually, it isn't a problem. There are no pedals to worry about.

246. So, there you go.

247. This means I can drive down to Dover and onto the ferry in a right-hand drive car,

248. drive off the other end in Calais in a left-hand drive car.

249. Right. Let's see if we can make this thing go.

250. So, "Power." Select "Drive" on the button there.

251. Twist to accelerate...

252. Squeeze them, and we brake. That's fantastic.

253. But this is weird.

254. It's very, very airy, and there's a big, flat floor,

255. and look at the size of that window out the front. It's sort of like driving a patio.

256. This doesn't feel entirely natural, to be honest.

257. It's very logical, but it's not really second nature,

258. 'cause I've spent more than 20 years driving a normal car.

259. But I bet if you're part of the PlayStation generation

260. you'll be able to drive this straight away, on level ten, probably!

261. Rear-view mirror? Bit 20th century,

262. so we'll have a TV screen here on the steering thingy.

263. As for door mirrors, we'll have TVs there as well.

264. Sorry if I'm not talking in a very normal voice,

265. but I am concentrating very, very hard here.

266. There's only one of these in the world, and it's worth about five million quid.

267. Right. Let's have the top off this thing, and then we can see how it works.

268. That's easy. With no mechanical linkages to worry about,

269. it's a simple matter of undoing a load of bolts

270. and whipping out the computer cable.

271. Here is an electric motor which drives the wheels.

272. This is the fuel tank full of hydrogen,

273. and this is the fuel cell. Now, in this, hydrogen from the tank there

274. combines with oxygen in the air in a complex and frankly rather boring way

275. to produce electricity. But the important thing is

276. that there are no batteries to recharge anywhere on this.

277. This has its own on-board power station,

278. and it generates so much electricity that I could actually run my house off it.

279. In fact, I could run half my street off it.

280. But the real stroke of genius is combining hydrogen power with by-wire controls.

281. Because here's something you can't do with your car.

282. This is essentially a family saloon.

283. But what if you wanted a pickup for the weekend,

284. or a people-carrier, or even a two-seater convertible sports car?

285. Well...

286. Change it!

287. Go down your dealer, get him to unbolt this body, and plug a new one in.

288. It's only going to take half an hour. Even better, why not get him to bring one round?

289. And here's a thought. The Hy-wire is made by General Motors, and they own Vauxhall.

290. Do you know what this is? It's the new Vectra!

291. I mean, not the next one, and probably not the one after that,

292. but one day...

293. Now, if we forget all the Tomorrow's World, techie, wire, "change the body" stuff,

294. the most important thing about this is that hydrogen power station, isn't it?

295. Yeah, I think so. It really is supposed to be the fuel of the future.

296. They say anywhere between 10 or 20 years' time, they can do this.

297. - 10 or 20 years? - Yeah.

298. We'll be driving a car... And basically, you get hydrogen from... Water. Seawater.

299. From salt water. Yeah, you make it from salt water.

300. - And all you get out of the exhaust is... - Water.

301. That's astonishing. So this is the future.

302. Remember where you are right now 'cause that is the car of the future.

303. Never mind clever stuff you'll be able to buy in the future,

304. let's look at some gadgets you can get hold of now.

305. First up, this. Now, I think this is going to be an exceptionally useful thing.

306. It's basically... Yeah, you've guessed.

307. - I know what that is. - You can send messages.

308. You can put it in the back of your car, parcel shelf,

309. and you can programme it, and there's a control somewhere.

310. And you put messages in to people.

311. I've always wanted one of these. I've wanted one of these for years.

312. Think of the things you could write!

313. - Yeah. - You get on, and I'm gonna programme a message in here.

314. - Right. This is... This is an alarm. - What is that?

315. Which is nice. It's got a little Formula 1 car, that's a McLaren, I believe,

316. and it does this.

317. I just want you to imagine it's, let's say, a one-night stand,

318. and time for your alarm.

319. 7:00 in the morning!

320. But better still, you can then lean across

321. and say, "Ah!" If I press this accelerator...

322. That's not a noise you want to have in your bedroom, is it, at 7:00 in the morning!

323. - My advice is, just leave it. - I don't believe this.

324. - We've broken every single gadget... - No, no, no.

325. This is a disaster. It censors your message.

326. - What? - It censors your message!

327. - It doesn't really? - No, look. Watch.

328. If you write a swearword in, it goes, "You can't have that."

329. Jeremy, that's a piece of clever technology,

330. and the first thing you thought of to do with it was swear. Genius!

331. Have a look at this. This is a car driving along...

332. Oh, wow! - (MAY READING)

333. - Look at that! How does that work?

334. No idea. You can write that on your wheels?

335. - That's witchcraft. I don't believe it. - Can it censor that?

336. Or can I write whatever I like on that?

337. What's that? - It's a stereo.

338. This is a stereo. You put your CD in it in the normal manner,

339. but it then memorises the contents of the CD onto a hard disc

340. - like you'd have in your computer. - Like an MP3 or an iPod.

341. Very much so. But it's ordinary CDs that you put into it.

342. Memorises it like a jukebox, and that's it, it's in.

343. You don't have to carry the CDs around with you.

344. And mine would never be stolen,

345. because I can put a sticker on the windscreen saying,

346. "This stereo contains traces of Barclay James Harvest."

347. - Anybody that nicked one of those would go, "No!" - All those people

348. with their hats on back to front, who want drum and bass, as I like to call it.

349. "How do I get it off?"

350. Can we steal that as well? Have they sent it as a demonstrator?

351. - Oh, probably. - They never want those back. I'm having that.

352. That's brilliant. What's this rag?

353. - This is very clever. - This is good. Let me have a look at this.

354. - This is a shirt. It cost £2,000. - £2,500.

355. Sorry, £2,500. It's made of a special material with some sort of metal in it,

356. and effectively, it irons itself, because the heat from your body...

357. Even if you scrumpled it in your suitcase,

358. it makes it go flat.

359. - Good for sales reps. - It's for reps, yeah, you put it in your car.

360. Just put it on, drive up the motorway with the heater on.

361. 10 minutes later, ironed shirt. It's got aftershave smell in it as well.

362. - It's ridiculous. - It's small size.

363. Oh, no!

364. - Go and try it on. We want to see if it works. - Seriously?

365. - Go away. Go and put that on. - Try that on, and come back in a minute...

366. Even if it doesn't work, boy, we're going to have a laugh at you anyway!

367. - And it'll be better than that thing you got on. - Thanks, guys!

368. Go on, go and find a changing room.

369. Actually, don't. Go and help him!

370. - Right, that's got rid of Shorty. - That's good,

371. - 'cause there's only two of these things. - I know there are.

372. And this is what I arrived on at the beginning of the show. Thanks for that.

373. Basically, you can stand on it even though it's only got two wheels,

374. because it's got a gyroscope which is made by British Aerospace

375. which balances you, and then if you want to go forwards,

376. You just lean forwards, and it goes that way.

377. Then I brake by leaning backwards, and then go backwards again!

378. - It's completely simple. And then you can do this. - It is. It's brilliant.

379. I'm a dancer.

380. Then you can just turn your handlebar that way to go that way.

381. They're made in America, of course,

382. so that fat Yanks could go to the fridge without expending any energy!

383. - How much do they cost? - 2,500 quid. - They start at about £2,500.

384. The trouble is, they're not actually legal in Britain.

385. You can't use it on the road 'cause it's not registered,

386. and you can't use it on the pavement because you can't ride it on the pavement.

387. The thing they're worried about is that pretty much any idiot could go out

388. and buy one of these.

389. - Has that man got that shirt on yet? - I don't know.

390. - Is he here? - Hammond?

391. - So, Hammond, are you hot? Oh, sorry, mate. - Am I hot?

392. I'm in a room with 300 people and 1,000 lamps, and I'm wearing this!

393. - Yes, I am! I could climb in an auger. That'd be hotter. - Does it work?

394. You do look a little bit like D'Artagnan, but shorter.

395. Now last week, Jodie Kidd came on the show and drove our Suzuki Liana

396. around the track faster than any other celebrity.

397. Five past 9:00 the following morning,

398. we had a call from a Mr Jay Kay of Buckinghamshire,

399. who'd been topping the leaderboard

400. for the last, I don't know, nine months or so,

401. and he said, basically, "I'll be back."

402. Well, Mr Kay, I don't think there's any point,

403. because my guest tonight is used to going around the universe

404. at nine times the speed of light.

405. He is the captain of the Starship Enterprise.

406. Ladies and gentlemen, Patrick Stewart!

407. - How are you? Have a seat. - Thank you. Thank you.

408. Whoo-hoo! Oh, yes!

409. You're the most famous guest we've ever had on.

410. This must be a terrible show, then.

411. - There was Richard Whiteley. - Yes, yes...

412. Who's a legend all the way from Wakefield to Newcastle.

413. So what you're saying is that I'm marginally more impressive than him?

414. - Yeah. Yeah. - But marginally?

415. - Pretty much. - Thanks, Jeremy. I feel really good about being here.

416. Now I understand that last week you were watching the show,

417. and I had a bit of a rant about mobile phones and how you should be allowed

418. to use them while driving.

419. It's a rare occasion that you have the opportunity

420. to take up an argument with a celebrity such as yourself.

421. I mean, I use the term "celebrity" very loosely.

422. What's your beef about using the mobile?

423. It's the cell phones. As you may or may not know,

424. I do spend a lot of my working life, and that means my driving life,

425. in Southern California, and that largely means Los Angeles.

426. Now, Los Angeles is one of the most dangerous places to drive.

427. Every time you venture out on the street, you're vulnerable to an incident of some kind.

428. But many of these incidents are entirely as a result of people talking on cell phones.

429. I saw a woman the other day, this is not invented, on the freeway,

430. which means that we're doing 55, 60, 65...

431. Oof!

432. I'm surprised they can breathe at that speed.

433. Jeez!

434. She's talking on her cell phone. She's steering with her left elbow,

435. like, hooked into the wheel,

436. because, with her right hand, she's doing her mascara.

437. I do that, except for the mascara bit, obviously.

438. And you know what, actually, you need it. I mean, the mascara, that is.

439. I'm fully made up today.

440. So, no, I think it was irresponsible, Jeremy.

441. - What I did? - What you said.

442. This, bear in mind, is a man who managed to talk on his communicator

443. while being assimilated by the Borg.

444. But I've had a lot of practice, I should say.

445. But don't you think that's a sign of idiocy?

446. I look at people and say, "But who are you talking to in your car?"

447. And obviously, they're talking into their hands-free thing.

448. Which I've got in my car, I'm very proud to say.

449. But what are you doing looking at people like that?

450. Where should your attention be, Jeremy?

451. I'm bored. Driving's boring! I just get so... "Ooh, look at him, look at him."

452. "I wonder what sort of geography he teaches?"

453. It need never be boring.

454. In his case, yes, you're right.

455. Exactly. So why are you over here?

456. 'Cause obviously, you do spend most of your time in Los Angeles.

457. Because of work. Purely because of work.

458. I do have a home here. I have a home in North Yorkshire.

459. I love that. Don't you love that? It's Skipton, isn't it?

460. Well, it's near Skipton.

461. The captain of the USS Enterprise has a house in Skipton.

462. - Yes. - But you are over here at the moment 'cause you're...

463. I'm here now because all of the stuff we were talking about is changing.

464. I'm doing a play at the Albery Theatre called The Master Builder.

465. It's by Henrik Ibsen and it stars myself and Sue Johnston.

466. And a brilliant, dazzling young actress, less than a year out of drama school,

467. called Lisa Dillon, who is the other woman in this.

468. - The 19-year-old. - Yes.

469. Are you familiar with The Master Builder?

470. Is anybody here familiar with The Master Builder?

471. This is the thing, the BBC is always criticised for its lack of arts coverage.

472. - I think we can rectify that. - You invite me onto the show

473. knowing that I'm doing The Master Builder and not Hot and Cold in All Rooms.

474. But here's what most people don't know. Here's the connection.

475. Henrik Ibsen, famous Norwegian playwright,

476. and distinguished Formula 4 and rally car driver.

477. Now, very few people know about this aspect of his life.

478. Which is why my being on this programme is so appropriate.

479. It is. Henrik Ibsen, which was clever of him, since he was writing plays

480. I think, about 15 years before the car was invented.

481. Ah, yes, but that was in the early stages of his career.

482. Ah, right, so he went on. I'm with you.

483. He gave up the playwriting. You know, when you've done Hedda Gabler,

484. John Gabriel Borkman, The Doll's House... He just got bored with all of that.

485. You know the Scandinavians are great rally drivers.

486. - Absolutely. - Well, it all began with him, Henrik Ibsen.

487. - It's a little-known fact. - So here we are, oversteer and Ibsen on the same programme.

488. - I think that's pretty good, really. - That is culture.

489. The thing about Ibsen, The Master Builder, is

490. it's an architect who builds a big tower and then jumps off it.

491. That's the essence of the play, really.

492. In a sentence, yes, it is, but it does miss out...

493. It misses out one or two critical factors.

494. It's about a very powerful, very successful architect/builder

495. who is at an emotional point of implosion when the play begins,

496. and into his tortured existence, which is a married existence,

497. that's Sue Johnston, appears this beautiful young woman.

498. Nineteen-year-old girl.

499. Who says, "Ten years ago, you came to my house, you took me in your arms,

500. "you gave me a big kiss, and said that I was your princess

501. "and in 10 years' time you would come back for me and carry me off.

502. "Well, you didn't come, so here I am."

503. And he jumps off his tower.

504. This is the same playwright who wrote a play called The Wild Duck

505. - which is about a duck that gets shot. - Yes.

506. I think your plotlines on the Enterprise were better. I think, yeah.

507. - Now, cars. Absolutely. - Yes! Why we're here.

508. - You do love your cars. This much is obvious. - Yes...

509. There's one primary reason.

510. We were quite poor when we were growing up. We didn't have a car.

511. My parents never, ever owned a car, of course, didn't drive.

512. In my street, there was one family that owned a car.

513. The Cloughs had this SS Jaguar...

514. Sorry, Jaguar. It's living in America. You learn to say "Jagwar".

515. Well, you can unlearn it now, because we're back in...

516. Yes, I know where we are. Not only was this a fabulously beautiful car,

517. but the Cloughs had a very, very attractive daughter.

518. You never know who's watching, of course, when you're saying this.

519. I hope she is watching, this daughter, I don't know where we're going with this,

520. but are you watching?

521. - Valerie, are you still out there? - She's behind the sofa.

522. - You missed out, Val. - So what happened?

523. We would make out in the back of the SS Jaguar, so it wasn't just...

524. By that, I mean, you know...

525. - Heavy petting, as the term is. - (LAUGHTER)

526. I wasn't quite sure at the time which excited me more,

527. the heavy petting or being in the SS Jaguar.

528. I realise now looking back I should have been excited by

529. the Jaguar and not by the petting.

530. It's the double whammy, isn't it? That's the great thing.

531. - You do love your Jags. - I do, yes.

532. I'm on my second one now. But this one I have I've had for almost 14 years.

533. I bought an XJS,

534. the 12-cylinder, the big monster,

535. convertible, in 1989, and I simply couldn't get rid of it.

536. I still think it's one of the most beautiful cars, production cars, ever made.

537. It's British racing green, it has wire wheels, which are a real nightmare,

538. - because they continually have to be tuned. - Have to be cleaned, yeah.

539. No, no, it's not the cleaning. I have somebody who...

540. I don't have to clean the wire wheels, Jeremy.

541. He's on more than 130 quid a week, isn't he,

542. if he's got somebody cleaning his wire wheels?

543. I have a wire-wheel cleaning man who comes to me to clean.

544. - And this is the car you've bequeathed to your... - Yeah, it's named in my will.

545. I told my son that he was gonna get it. He's getting sod-all else, mind you.

546. And the car isn't actually worth that much.

547. If you're not gonna sell it 'cause you're gonna give it to your son,

548. frankly, he'll get £1.50, isn't he? Let's be honest.

549. On the other hand, look at it this way.

550. It is Captain Picard's Jaguar, and that's got to do something.

551. - £2.50. - (LAUGHTER)

552. Can you have fun driving in America?

553. 'Cause I find it really quite tricky over there.

554. Even if we ignore the telephone malarkey.

555. Well, if you find it fun to practise defensive driving, you know what I mean,

556. constantly, then it can be fun, it can be interesting.

557. Because you're always preparing for the worst to happen.

558. What I've enjoyed have been the long road trips.

559. I love driving out into the desert, I love going up into Northern California.

560. And taking several days and just driving...

561. Where are the corners? Where are those lovely corners?

562. There are... On the freeways you don't get many, but there is one famous place...

563. At least for Angelinos it's famous.

564. There's a section of Sunset Boulevard,

565. it's just in Brentwood, but right before Brentwood becomes Beverly Hills.

566. - You know what he's talking about? Yeah. - Yeah.

567. He doesn't. He has no idea.

568. There are these three banked corners on Sunset.

569. It's known as Dead Man's Curve. You've got a right-hander,

570. a left-hander and a right-hander.

571. And they're very steeply banked. I mean, in the right direction.

572. Those of us who love doing that kind of thing,

573. we will hang back so that we get a gap between us and the vehicles in front.

574. And then as you approach a corner, hit the gas,

575. and hope that there's nobody around watching,

576. no police cars parked in the side streets.

577. And then you can do these turns as if you're in a Formula 1 car.

578. The only problem is that a homeowner right there has a sprinkler system

579. and it comes on at the wrong time of day.

580. So you can hit this at 12:00 in the morning

581. and the road suddenly becomes like glass, and it can be dodgy.

582. Exciting. No traction control on your XJS, either.

583. No traction control on that. My wife has a Mercedes CL500

584. which is an extraordinary vehicle.

585. - And you'd be perfectly safe with that. - Panzer tank.

586. It's not a tank, actually. The CL is not a tank.

587. It's a heavy... It's a heavy thing.

588. It's a lot of car, but it's a two-door.

589. Weighs more than the Enterprise, that thing does.

590. So you've been out this morning in the Suzuki Liana.

591. - Yes. - How do you think you got on?

592. I'm not too optimistic about my best... I know, I know.

593. - I would love to beat Gambon. - Gambon?

594. What was his time? 1.55, but he was in the wet.

595. - You'd like to have beaten Gambon? - Yeah, I would.

596. You know, he's a colleague and an excellent actor,

597. but I would like to see him eat my dust, as they say.

598. He was also the man who did the most spectacular manoeuvre out there.

599. - I know. - Two wheels around the corner.

600. - Shall we find out, everyone? Let's play it. Yes.

601. That's a great sight, you off the bridge and in a Suzuki.

602. - Ooh, serious. How did you find the car? - Ordinary.

603. Sliding a bit wide there, little bit too much power, if I might be so bold.

604. - I look good, though, don't I? - You do look good. You look the part.

605. - This is the... - The Hammerhead. That's...

606. - Whoa. - That's the thing, that's where Jodie Kidd was quick,

607. because she wasn't overdriving it.

608. Ooh, that's very fast.

609. Here we are, coming up to Gambon corner...

610. - And you're across the line, everybody! - (CHEERING)

611. - So, you wanna hazard a guess? Whiteley... - Yeah...

612. Two years. Two light years, actually, and six warps or whatever it is.

613. - Yes. - Well, in fact, you did it,

614. and welcome to a very exclusive little club,

615. in one minute, 50 seconds. Same time.

616. No kidding.

617. That's the same time as me, same time as Jamie Oliver, same time as Gordon Ramsay.

618. I find that a reasonable time, to do it in, don't you?

619. - (LAUGHTER) - You've just made me very, very happy.

620. - Really? - Yeah.

621. I might buy the show out tonight and go on the town.

622. No, really, you're a second faster than Gambon.

623. Yes!

624. And so there we are, ladies and gentlemen, Patrick Stewart!

625. Thank you.

626. Right... Right.

627. Earlier on, we looked at some pretty impressive gadgets,

628. but now it's time for the best gadget of them all.

629. The Carver. So it's a sort of a bike thing. Well, no.

630. It's got a bike wheel on the front but it's got car wheels on the back

631. and standard car controls to drive it.

632. And it's certainly not bike-fast. 0 to 60 takes 8.5 seconds,

633. which in bike terms is a week.

634. So it's a sort of a car? Well...

635. No, it's not a car, because it does this...

636. Whoa!

637. What a sensation!

638. It's got a 660 cc turbo-charged engine

639. that's good for 115 fun-filled miles an hour.

640. Help! I'm falling over!

641. Which, trust me, is enough.

642. I'm in an insane machine!

643. That may look like a piece of lunatic fun,

644. but it's actually very difficult to do this, to tilt.

645. It uses a set of hydraulic rams that allow it to go over

646. at, well, increasingly ridiculous angles.

647. You can end up at 45 degrees, which... Well, that's madness.

648. It then gets really difficult. Because the engine is in this bit, that doesn't tilt,

649. you're in the bit that does tilt with all the controls to work the engine,

650. and it's all got to somehow connect up.

651. And that's one of the reasons why it's so difficult to do.

652. And why it's so complicated. And also why it's so spectacular.

653. But the amount of tilt isn't decided upon by how far you turn the wheel.

654. It's how hard, it's the force, so if you're aggressive, if you tip the wheel hard,

655. you tilt.

656. But if you're gentle, it doesn't tilt so much,

657. so at slow speeds, you can turn it for a full lock and it stays level.

658. But if I get more aggressive, everything goes insane.

659. I am in a miniature road-going fighter plane!

660. I want guns strapped to the side of this, something that fires missiles, maybe.

661. Go out for a bit of a dogfight,

662. because there's one thing that's unlikely ever to happen...

663. You're not gonna come across another one.

664. The Carver is the result of 11 years of design and development

665. by those crazy, sexy Dutch.

666. And they believe it could herald a whole new way of motoring.

667. Now, the bad news is,

668. it's not cheap, £22,500, but

669. this is the gadget to end all gadgets.

670. It's insane!

671. Who could possibly need something like this?

672. Me, actually. Definitely.

673. And look, the roof comes out of it.

674. Yeah, it's kind of a convertible thing.

675. The best thing about this is you just know it has to have come from a country

676. where drugs are legal.

677. It could only have been the Dutch. You can see them now,

678. sitting around one night, all listening to Bob Marley, and somebody goes,

679. "These cars, too many wheels. Let's lose one."

680. My favourite Dutch story is they had an explorer years ago

681. called Abel Tasman, who went off to the South Seas to find new lands and so on.

682. And he found Tasmania, 'cause he was Abel Tasman, that's named after him,

683. he found New Zealand, and he found the Fiji Islands...

684. - He missed Australia! - It's easily done.

685. (IN DUTCH ACCENT) "I was on the deck, having a little smoke, sailed right past it!

686. "It's unbelievable. I'm sorry about that."

687. Then they brought it over to this country.

688. Because it's not a car, not a bike, the bloke in a suit when they brought it over,

689. and said, "Look at this crazy car!"

690. He didn't know what to do. So as a result, you don't need a helmet.

691. - No, my wife drove it. - There you go.

692. I had one of these last weekend

693. and I have to say, absolute hand on heart, I've never had so much fun in a car.

694. Really and truthfully. And I don't think I'd ever tire of it.

695. You'd certainly never tire of people coming around going, "Can I have a go?"

696. Honestly, everyone was like, "Oh, can I just..."

697. The kids were like, "Let's just go... for another ride in that car."

698. And it's when it goes around, when it leans, it really, really, really banks over,

699. and you have these little warning lights. Did you show those?

700. - Well, we didn't see them, no. - There's little warning lights on the dashboard.

701. It goes through the green bit, and then you get into the red bit

702. when it's going to lean too much.

703. And it just said in my letter, "And this is really good fun!"

704. It's such a clever idea because it gives you a target.

705. Two red lights... I got four!

706. The kids in the back, "How many lights have you got on now, Dad?"

707. "All three red ones!"

708. Oh! Leaning around it... I loved it.

709. - The great thing was I went to a party... Yeah. - What, in this? Good man.

710. And as is my wont, I admit, at a party, may have had a sherry or two...

711. - You didn't? - Yeah, and decided

712. that I wasn't gonna drive back in this, paralytic. So, my wife said

713. she'd drive, and that meant I had to... Yeah. - You were a passenger?

714. You're joking.

715. - No. - Actually, I don't believe you.

716. - I tell you, I can get in the back of this. - I want to see it.

717. - Do you want me to do the seat for you? - Yeah.

718. - Yeah. There is an art to getting in. - You are joking.

719. - To do it in a crazy, sexy way. - You're looking fantastic.

720. Oh, you see, look. I'm in.

721. I can't believe it! Right. I'm getting in.

722. Do you see, this is...

723. This is a country where homosexual marriage is legal.

724. (IN DUTCH ACCENT) He is my partner and also my lover.

725. Lift your foot. Look at that! That's marvellous. It worked.

726. That's enough drug-addled idiocy from Holland. So we'll have Insider Dealing.

727. Oh, mate, I'll never get that out of my mind, where I've just been,

728. jammed between Jeremy's thighs in a Dutch three-wheeler!

729. Shut up.

730. You may have read a story in the paper this week that says

731. Britain, remarkably, has become one of the cheapest places in Europe

732. to buy a new car. You may also have read a scare story that says

733. as a result, all manufacturers want to put their prices up by at least 3%.

734. In fact, it's irrelevant because you'd have to be a total donkey, frankly,

735. - to pay the full list price for any car in Britain. - Speak your mind, James!

736. I will. Listen to these.

737. The Saab 93 two-litre turbo, £1,900 off.

738. The Audi TT, the 225bhp version, £2,500 off. This gets better.

739. BMW 320 diesel, £3,500 off.

740. - Mercedes C-Class 200 auto, £5,500 off. - No!

741. This the one I really like, the Maserati 4000 GT Spider, ten grand off.

742. Now, Fiesta-size cars. This is the biggest market in Britain at the moment.

743. It's been growing consistently for about five years.

744. But it is still vastly oversupplied.

745. Think of at least £1,000 off a Ford Fiesta or a Ford Ka.

746. I've seen £1,500 off a Vauxhall Corsa Active, £1,100 off a one-litre Lupo,

747. over £2,000 off a Toyota Yaris,

748. - top spec, 1.3 litre engine. Fantastic. - That's a lovely little car.

749. Now, we need your help because it's time for the Top Gear Motoring Survey 2002.

750. Last year we had 37,000 respondents to this,

751. making it the biggest single independent survey of UK motorists.

752. We want to know about your car, we want to know if the door handles fall off,

753. we want to know what your dealer's like, what his coffee machine's like.

754. If you've got a car registered between '99 on a V, and 2002 on a 51 plate,

755. we want to hear from you. It's all done online.

756. You log onto www.bbc.co.uk/topgear

757. and we'll bring you the results in the autumn.

758. From the front, this looks like a Vectra.

759. Under the bonnet it has the same choice of engines as the Vectra.

760. And under the body, the chassis is the same as you'll get

761. in next year's Vectra estate.

762. It even feels like a Vectra to drive.

763. Apart from these silly indicators which seem to have a mind of their own,

764. it's just a collection of elements from the periodic table.

765. This, however, is not a Vectra.

766. With its shapely but large J-Lo rear end, this is the future.

767. This is the new Vauxhall Signum.

768. The most obvious difference from where I'm sitting is this panel in the roof

769. which contains lots of different storage bins.

770. Now, this one I can see is very useful for storing sunglasses.

771. But these two here, it's difficult to fathom what you might fit in them.

772. I mean, nothing you normally keep in a car would fit.

773. Road maps, CDs, boxes of tissues and so on.

774. The only thing I have been able to find which does fit is a stick of celery, which...

775. Look at that, perfect.

776. And that shows a level of thoughtfulness and attention to detail that

777. we've simply not seen from any other car maker.

778. In every other car I've ever driven, the celery just kind of rolls around,

779. getting in the way of the major controls, which is poor and can be dangerous.

780. No, really, who else provides storage for celery?

781. Not even the new Rolls-Royce has that.

782. The biggest change with this car, however, is to be found in the back.

783. You get a lot more space than you do in a Vectra.

784. And these seats slide forwards and backwards and they recline

785. and they fold flat.

786. The only trouble is there are only two of them.

787. What you get in the middle, in this base model which costs £18,000,

788. is a drinks tray or an arm rest, or nothing at all.

789. In the more expensive models, which cost up to £25,000,

790. what you get here is a fridge and a DVD player.

791. So, this is a wonderful car for people in the back.

792. And that's great, apart from one small thing.

793. I've come to the M40 on a Tuesday morning at 10:45.

794. And I'm going to give £1 to the Donkey Sanctuary in Devon

795. for every car that drives past here in the next hour

796. that has someone sitting in the back.

797. No.

798. No.

799. No. No.

800. Discovery, seven seats, and...

801. One person in it.

802. No, no, no.

803. Vectra.

804. Still no.

805. Think of the donkeys!

806. No.

807. Yes!

808. Right, time's up. Let's see how much we've raised for the donkeys.

809. £4. Four cars, in an hour, with someone in the back.

810. So why has Vauxhall made a car for a market that plainly doesn't exist?

811. They say it does. They say they did lots and lots of research

812. and they found lots and lots of people who wanted tons of space in the back of their car

813. but only two seats.

814. And all these people apparently had one thing in common,

815. they were all men.

816. And I understand that. First thing I do when I move into a new flat or a new house,

817. forget the curtains and the carpets and the cooker. You get your television,

818. your stereo and your PlayStation up and running.

819. That's why I understand this car. It's perfectly reasonable

820. to have a fridge-cum-DVD player instead of a seat.

821. It's the obvious thing to do! It's fantastic!

822. Mumsy cars have lots of seats and are as sensible as big knickers.

823. But this has lots of gadgets, so it's the world's first dadsy car.

824. The first car ever made which only works if you're sitting in the back.

825. Now there are some problems with that, I admit.

826. Like, you're not going to get a chauffeur to come and drive what is basically a Vectra.

827. And if you can afford a chauffeur, you're not going to have a car like this.

828. However, the great thing about being a man is that I can improvise.

829. So, what I've got here is a hoe

830. and another hoe

831. and a sort of long, extending arm thing,

832. and some string and some duct tape,

833. and a clamp.

834. And I think this is going to work.

835. Right.

836. Attach the end to this prong of the steering wheel here.

837. Made in Germany so it's very strong.

838. Where are my scissors gone? And then we need the hoe, this one,

839. on the extending arm.

840. Good.

841. I think I've thought of everything here. No, wait a minute...

842. - (DUCT TAPE RIPPING) - That's very good.

843. This is a work of genius. I've got this to operate the gears.

844. This one does the clutch, like so. This is for the throttle.

845. (ENGINE ROARS) And obviously that one does the brake, as well.

846. This is the piece de resistance. This is my steering. Look at that!

847. So, all I have to do now is test it.

848. And I shall give £1 to the Donkey Sanctuary for every mile I cover

849. without crashing.

850. Okay, here goes. Handbrake off.

851. And, um... Clutch... Clutch in.

852. Into first.

853. And, er...

854. Everyone out of the way.

855. Here we go. Oh, that's a problem.

856. If you want to go right, you have to pull left.

857. Right, little bit of throttle.

858. Away she goes. In second.

859. Nice.

860. It works!

861. It works!

862. Stop!

863. - No, this is wrong! No! - Thank you, everybody, thank you.

864. - Because it didn't work, Jeremy. - It did! You saw it work.

865. It worked that time. It didn't work the first time you tried it, did it?

866. It went a bit wrong...

867. - You crashed. That's wrong. - I just slightly went into a field.

868. And crashed.

869. And slightly broke the front.

870. Now, unfortunately, the cameras weren't rolling for that first take,

871. which is sad,

872. but this is actually better, because what I've got here is the insurance claim form.

873. And the best bit is where it says,

874. "Where were you at the time of the accident?"

875. In the back!

876. And on that health and safety bombshell, it is time to end the show.

877. Good night!