Top Gear 2x8

1. Tonight, an Alfa Romeo waving its arms around.

2. And Richard and James enjoy life under canvas.

3. Good evening. Now, back in the late '60s,

4. Nissan or Datsun, as they were called back then,

5. decided to make a sports car.

6. This is it, the 240Z.

7. It was a very simple recipe.

8. Three parts E-type Jaguar, two parts Corvette,

9. and a sprinkling of Japanese reliability.

10. Fabulous car!

11. But unfortunately they kept changing it,

12. and each time they changed it, they made it

13. a little bit worse.

14. There was the 260Z, which was plump,

15. the 280Z, which was...

16. John Prescott.

17. And then finally, they ended up with this enormous thing,

18. the 300ZX.

19. Marlon Brando, really.

20. (MIMICING) The horror.

21. The horror.

22. And I believe we've been joined here

23. by some people from the Nissan Z Club, yes?

24. - Yes. - Which is yours?

25. The 280.

26. And what in the name of all that's holy

27. possessed you to buy that?

28. I bought it 15 years ago, and it looked good then.

29. It didn't look good!

30. It's beige with red seats!

31. - Are you from Birmingham? - Yes, how did you guess?

32. (CHUCKLES) That explains it all!

33. - Have you got one as well? - I have, yeah.

34. And you've got a beard.

35. - And you're from the Z club? - Yes, indeed.

36. And you have a beard. There, that explains the appeal of the Z car!

37. Happily, however, Nissan has now gone

38. back to basics with the 350Z.

39. And I was so keen to give this a go

40. that when the very first one arrived in Britain months ago,

41. I grabbed the keys and went for a drive.

42. Part of the reason why Nissan's Z cars

43. became so fat and so heavy over the years

44. is that they were designed principally for the American market.

45. And the ideal American car is, as I'm sure you know,

46. is an enormous sofa.

47. This one however wasn't just designed for the Americans,

48. it was designed in America, in California.

49. Home of the palm-fringed, no smoking, six-lane boulevard.

50. And that's great, except we don't have any of that here.

51. What we have is Sheffield.

52. So, how does the surfer boy go down in the steel town?

53. Well, to be honest, I think it looks a bit of a mess.

54. But then, it would.

55. Because it's a Japanese car designed in America.

56. And the head of the whole project

57. was a chap called Ajay Panchal,

58. who's an Indian from Leicester.

59. And the engine? Well, that's French.

60. Incongruously, it's the 3.5 litre V6 from the Renault Vel Satis.

61. We've had fusion food before,

62. but this is the first time that I've ever encountered

63. a fusion car.

64. Think of it as being a raw hamburger curry

65. served in a disinterested way

66. on a bed of garlicky jus.

67. Not that you can concentrate on the ingredients because of the stereo.

68. You don't hear it so much as feel it,

69. pulsating through an enormous subwoofer in the small of your back.

70. If you're the sort of person who likes to

71. cruise the streets, annoying everyone with your drum 'n' bass,

72. this is definitely the car for you.

73. I'm afraid, however, I'm more interested in how a car goes.

74. So, I pointed its nose at the road

75. which snakes out of Sheffield and up onto the moors.

76. It doesn't take very long to work out

77. that this car has a few weak links.

78. And the biggest, weakest link of them all

79. is the French bit, the engine.

80. First of all, there's the noise,

81. which is just a noise,

82. a sort of wearisome drone. Listen.

83. It just gets on your nerves.

84. And then there's the performance.

85. They say it will do 0-60 in six seconds,

86. and on to a top speed of 150.

87. And I'm sure it will.

88. But it never really feels that fast, somehow.

89. There's something else, too.

90. When you look at the 350Z,

91. you think it's gonna be light and agile and sporty.

92. I was expecting it to be like a Nikon camera,

93. all kind of delicate and clever.

94. I thought it'd be like a Mazda MX5, but with more power.

95. And it just isn't.

96. Not even slightly.

97. What it is, is a tonne and a half of iron mongering.

98. It's a muscle car.

99. Which should be good fun on a road like this.

100. I could go very, very berserk at this point,

101. but two things are stopping me.

102. One, the noise. It's driving me mad.

103. And secondly, it was on this very road

104. that the drummer with a band called Def Leppard

105. crashed his muscle car, a Corvette.

106. And as a result of that

107. he now has to drive with a knob on his steering wheel.

108. I also have to say that after a day behind the wheel,

109. I am knackered.

110. A hard ride and the effort of driving it

111. makes it one of the most exhausting cars I've ever come across.

112. And I haven't finished mauling it yet either.

113. The look of the interior is fine.

114. I've got a big rev counter right in front me,

115. three ancillary dials over here,

116. driving position's good.

117. But what's not so good is this.

118. I've seen better build quality on an allotment shed.

119. Now let's talk about practicality.

120. There isn't any. It has no back seats at all,

121. just a sort of bulkhead to which all the various speakers are attached.

122. And if we open the boot,

123. we find an enormous strengthening beam

124. where your dog would normally go.

125. All things considered, then, the 350 is a C minus.

126. Three out of 10.

127. Could do better.

128. - So, no good then? - Not really.

129. And the thing is, there's no shortage of sports coupes coming up.

130. There's the Mazda RX8 which is very nice.

131. - Yeah. Wankel rotary engine. - Very good engine.

132. Audi TT, they're putting a V6 in that with a clever gearbox thing.

133. There's the Chrysler Crossfire.

134. That's a Mercedes SLK with an American body on it, yeah.

135. The point being, it's not exactly got the feel to itself, has it?

136. Well, no. But the thing is that

137. Nissan have now said, "Aha!"

138. But the car you drove was sort of for,

139. I don't know, a small market

140. in the south of France or somewhere.

141. The British ones, which are going on sale in...

142. - About, September-October. - Yes, September-October.

143. Are going to have better suspension, bigger fuel tank,

144. different aero-dynamics, better interior trim,

145. and a traction controller stand. Could be completely different.

146. Which rather begs the question...

147. Why didn't they say, "There's our new car. See what you think.

148. "It won't be anything like that obviously, but there it is anyway."

149. Nevertheless, we'll give them...

150. I think we'll give them the benefit of the doubt.

151. We'll hope the British ones are better

152. and then when we get a British one,

153. then we'll give it to the Stig.

154. Right. Time for the news.

155. Now, it's a terrible shame, uh, Jeremy didn't like the 350Z.

156. I wondered if you might be interested in the 350Z watch.

157. It's a very large watch with a very small face.

158. What do you think of that?

159. It'll probably go... (SHOUTS) Tick-tock!

160. "Tick-tock!" And be very heavy.

161. You'll have to be like this all day long with it.

162. BMW. The X5 is a very nice car. There's now the X3.

163. Not a very nice car.

164. Well, a lot of people like it an awful lot. There it is.

165. That's the X3. You can see the kind of

166. 3 Series BMW look to it.

167. This is going to be launched, um, very shortly.

168. And I can't find...

169. Well, it'll be seen in September, launched next year.

170. I can't tell you exactly how much it's going to cost.

171. All BMW will say is it'll cost less than the X5.

172. - Well, it better had, really. 'Cause it's the X3. - Well, it's smaller.

173. And it's gonna have a three litre petrol engine, three litre diesel engine.

174. And that's about all we know at the moment.

175. That's Iceland, that is.

176. - Is it? - Yeah.

177. And I'll tell you why it's driving on the road.

178. An X5, if you move it even onto the pebbles at the side of the road,

179. - it'll get stuck. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

180. And that'll be worse.

181. Yeah. Bit of damp grass.

182. But I'll tell you one thing, the X5,

183. the bigger one, right? Classic drug dealer car.

184. - Blacked-out windows, big alloys. - Yeah.

185. - Yeah. - Well, it is!

186. They're the only people who buy 'em. - Yeah.

187. The X3 is gonna be perfect if you're,

188. you know, small-time.

189. - Maybe just sell to your friends. - Yeah.

190. It's the perfect car.

191. It's a small drug dealer's car.

192. Or sell glue.

193. Yeah, you could sell glue out the...

194. I love the way they always do this.

195. When they get a new off-road car like that,

196. they always, always, always...

197. They say, "Oh right. Let's go somewhere really rugged."

198. Look where they've gone! It's a mildly gravelled road.

199. Comepletely level. I'll tell you what.

200. It'll be absolutely useless.

201. Really, I guarantee that car will be useless.

202. Right. John Prescott update.

203. He's bought another Jaguar.

204. - All right. - But...

205. - He's bought an old... - (JEREMY LAUGHING)

206. He walked into a shop and went down a row of jackets.

207. "This one, I think."

208. Hmm, perfect.

209. Interesting thing is, he's sold one of his previous Jaguars.

210. And he's been joking,

211. it says here, with newpaper reporters,

212. "Ha! You can't call me John 'Three Jags' Prescott."

213. - So what shall we call him? - They can still call him a fat Welshman, though.

214. There you go. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

215. Poor people at Jaguar, though.

216. "No, don't buy another, John, please.

217. "And don't be photographed, standing next to it like that."

218. Did you know he was Welsh? - Is he really?

219. Yeah. He pretends to be from Yorkshire,

220. but I'm from Yorkshire and I can spot a fraud.

221. In the last programme we were talking about crashing and what happens.

222. And those NCAP crash tests.

223. And remember we crashed a Megane?

224. Sorry, Renault!

225. This is the Espace, the new one.

226. And they've done it again

227. because this has actually been through...

228. Just put through those NCAP crash tests,

229. in which they crash into a barrier and assess how well it does.

230. And it's got, not only five stars,

231. it's got the highest points ever in the crash test.

232. You've got to hand it to Renault.

233. They're taking this very seriously.

234. So that's the safest car they've ever tested?

235. According to those crash tests, yeah.

236. That is the safest thing they've ever tested.

237. Still gotta have a people carrier, though, haven't we?

238. You have. But the interesting point is that's a big car.

239. It did well. Now we also saw on that programme

240. that small cars like the Ford Fiesta, they can do well, too.

241. You started saying, (MIMICS) "Oh, well, big's best."

242. - The bigger the car... - Size is better.

243. Big is better than little.

244. - In every way. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

245. Isn't it, girls?

246. Every week we end up in the same territory.

247. But you started going on about the Hummer.

248. "That's very safe 'cause it's as big as a house.

249. "Really, really safe car if you crash it."

250. Apparently not.

251. Here is one that's been crashed

252. and that doesn't look...

253. That's run into an American's buttock.

254. (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) I spilt my burger!

255. He's dropped his Styrofoam... "Oh, hell!" (GRUMBLING)

256. (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) "Oh, hell, I've gone and run into my wife.

257. "One of her cheeks has done that to the front of my car."

258. That's a mess.

259. Now, listen.

260. Have you seen they've announced now that we're not allowed to use

261. our mobiles phones while driving

262. as of December 1st.

263. Yeah. Why not?

264. What possible reason is there for you not to being able to use your mobile?

265. If you've got one hand and you're talking on your phone.

266. Are they saying that one-handed people can't drive?

267. - Really? - That's true, that's not right.

268. I'm sorry, that's just not fair on disabled people.

269. You know, there's plenty of people who've got one-arm

270. who can drive perfectly well.

271. If they say it's the talking...

272. But you talk to your passenger

273. and you talk to kids in the back.

274. I just don't...

275. This is just government meddling.

276. If you have only got one arm, though,

277. don't try using the telephone and driving.

278. You're gonna need a hands-free.

279. You could use your knees.

280. I often drive using my... But it is.

281. It's like they've gone for the mobile phone,

282. but actually, the amount of distractions this time of year,

283. hay fever for instance.

284. If you sneeze at 70mph, you're blind,

285. we worked this out, for 210 feet.

286. Have you tried driving with your eyes shut?

287. And they don't say you're not allowed to drive with hay...

288. Or worse, worse.

289. Have you ever driven when you need to go to the loo?

290. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Ooh! That's the worst!

291. Get out of the way!

292. Get out of the way! It's roadworks!

293. I've got to do 210!

294. And you go skidding into that motorway service area

295. and into the disabled parking spot.

296. I don't care, I'm going to burst!

297. There's the RAC patrolman. "Would you like to join?"

298. "No. Would you like a golden shower, mate?"

299. The ladies is nearer.

300. I am absolutely lethal!

301. But I've never seen anybody charged with

302. driving while they're full bladder.

303. Do you know what is the most dangerous thing

304. you can do when driving a car?

305. - What? - Have a takeaway curry on the passenger seat.

306. It's another of James' theories.

307. - So I'll tell you why. - Yeah.

308. You will not brake for anything. I've done this.

309. You're right! - I am right, I know.

310. This is a true story, and I am ashamed of it.

311. I was driving along. Ford Galaxy, Magnolia Leather.

312. Curry on the passenger seat.

313. A drunk bloke walked into the road.

314. Instinctively, I braked.

315. I saw the curry tip, I thought that's my dinner.

316. I not only took my foot off the break, I put it back on the throttle.

317. Anyway, if anybody here's interested,

318. I've developed a special new car sticker that says "Bhuna On Board".

319. That's enough curry.

320. Now, did you know that the British buy more convertibles than

321. the French, the Italians and the Spanish put together.

322. We were absolutely amazed at this, and what's more...

323. There's a whole raft of new ones out this year,

324. so me and Hammond here, we thought we'd take

325. a selection of them on a typical British summer holiday.

326. This is Buttermere. The wettest place in Britain.

327. And this is the campsite at the wettest place in Britain.

328. And we're staying here tonight because we're British.

329. - (PATTERING NOISE) - Right, it's the morning.

330. I'm going to take a look outside the tent.

331. Now, if it's raining,

332. foreigners are going to roll about laughing at us.

333. But if it's sunny, even if it's just dry,

334. they will never know how good we feel.

335. It's dry!

336. And that is just one of the reasons why we love these cars.

337. It's that crazy British optimism.

338. Because you never know, any day, summer or winter,

339. you might just get to drive it with the top down.

340. This is the new VW Beetle.

341. We've waited years for this to arrive.

342. And from some angles it does look a bit classic.

343. I mean, look at that roof folded down there.

344. Looks like somebody's glued a lilo to the boot.

345. Morning.

346. Now, you can buy a Beetle Cabriolet for 15,400 quid.

347. But that's for the 1.6.

348. This is the two-litre engine version which is 17,500.

349. And that's about 17,500 too much.

350. It looks cute now but it's a fashion statement

351. that'll be out of fashion very soon.

352. It might've been saved if it was good to drive.

353. But it's not that either.

354. Its only virtues are four good seats

355. and the fact that it's German.

356. This does feel very well put together,

357. you can't deny that. It's really, really solid.

358. And I like the plastics. They're nice.

359. I like the body colour repeat panel on top of the door.

360. All they got to do is make it in the shape

361. of a proper car and it'd be terrific.

362. Here we are, driving into the rain.

363. Which in some ways is beneficial.

364. People tell you this in the pub.

365. All the time you take the top off your convertible car, you drive it in the rain,

366. you get above a certain speed and you're fine, you don't get wet.

367. It's rubbish. I'm soaked.

368. I'm not sure this was such a smart idea.

369. Why? You just think we're a pair of extremely...

370. - Well, exactly. - Yes.

371. (LAUGHING) Gonna have to put the roof up!

372. (YELLS) Stop!

373. - What happened? - I've had enough!

374. I just got squall in my face!

375. What we want in Britain is a convertible car for sunny days

376. and a hardtop for the other 364.

377. Which is why we like folding metal roofs.

378. This is the smallest and most ingenious yet.

379. The Daihatsu Copen. It's so ingenious

380. we might not notice that this toy car costs almost £13,000.

381. The ride's a bit rock hard on this thing,

382. but apart from that it's really rather good.

383. It's got red leather seats and a Momo steering wheel.

384. The engine goes to 8,500 revs

385. and there's a really nice cold metal ball on top of the gear stick.

386. So what we have is a sort of Sony Ferrari.

387. Same sort of thing, but much smaller.

388. 660cc's and a turbocharger. It's brilliant!

389. Ah, the new Audi A4,

390. the benchmark four-seater cabriolet.

391. Normally, the A4 Cabriolet is a fabulously discrete car.

392. But in this case,

393. they've spoilled it by painting it in a colour called Cosmic Yellow,

394. which is also known as Premium Beige.

395. Right, now it's not just the colour that lets this car down.

396. 'Cause here we go. We're in the country. This is nice.

397. - Gentle tweeting of birds. - Slight breeze.

398. See the undergrowth over there?

399. Let's have another country sound.

400. Ah, yes, Massey Ferguson.

401. (LAUGHS) It's a diesel! Somebody decided,

402. "Let's make a discreetly glamorous 4-seater cabriolet

403. "and equip it with a tractor's engine."

404. It is a good diesel engine.

405. Well, in truth, it's a fantastic diesel engine.

406. And, actually, it's not that noisy, is it?

407. No, it's not. Not on the move.

408. But when you're going slow,

409. or you're just creeping through town,

410. or more significantly, just pulling up outside a nice bar.

411. Yeah.

412. People are going to say, "That's nice, where's the taxi?"

413. No, it's just not right.

414. A diesel cabriolet is like a supermodel smoking a pipe.

415. Audi should've stuck with the formula,

416. like Mercedes have with their new CLK.

417. This one, for example, has a big,

418. extravagant and completely illogical five-litre V8.

419. By the Audi A4, this Mercedes CLK convertible

420. dwells deep in the heartland of the posh German car.

421. But there's a difference.

422. This one's wearing a huge Rolex!

423. It wants you know it was really expensive.

424. Prices start at £30,000, which is where the A4s stop.

425. This one cost 58,000.

426. Smaller Mercedes convertibles have metal folding roofs, the SL and the SLK.

427. This one has got a canvas one.

428. Because, well, a four-seater folding roof just wouldn't fit in the boot.

429. But what a canvas roof!

430. I mean, compared with our tent! (LAUGHS)

431. 280 components just in the roof frame!

432. And a lightning conductor.

433. So, you see, Jerry does care about us!

434. So, a cabriolet can be big or small, flash or a shrinking violet.

435. Or maybe it can be nearly all those things.

436. Citroen reckons it's new Pluriel

437. can be anything you want it to be.

438. This is the convertible stage.

439. - That's the convertible? - Yeah.

440. Oh, no!

441. Yeah, that's it!

442. That...

443. Cabriolet.

444. Ow!

445. Ow!

446. Where are the flaps?

447. They're not under the floor bed, are they?

448. No.

449. - Are you sure they're not under the floor bed? - No.

450. Bit like that.

451. Oh, I see.

452. - You have to... No. - Yeah I'm... I'm doing it!

453. Try that.

454. (CHUCKLES) Miles out!

455. That's the Spider.

456. Shut the door.

457. Do we look good with it?

458. Being French, most of the trim will drop off,

459. but what's underneath is pretty tough.

460. It costs from 12 to 13 and a half thousand

461. and you can have a 1.4 or a 1.6 engine.

462. But if you go for the 1.6, you have to have the flappy paddle gearshift.

463. And it's hopeless.

464. I'm changing gear. I'm gonna put it in second to go around this corner.

465. That's okay. Now I'm gonna wait for third...

466. And now it's changed.

467. I'm gonna select fourth... No.

468. Oh, now I've got it.

469. What? Have you got something else on?

470. And there's another problem.

471. Ow, ow, ow.

472. - We're going left. - Ow!

473. Citroen has the belief that most people will prefer

474. to drive it with the roof rails in place. Well, I can see why.

475. - Yeah, because it really... - It's in place or in your crotch.

476. So, is it going to rain, then?

477. Yeah, almost certainly.

478. Mmm. I brought the roof.

479. Just to be on the safe side.

480. So, judging by the film there,

481. you didn't much go for the Pluriel.

482. No. It's a shame, I really wanted to like that

483. because it is quite, kind of, cutesie looking,

484. and it is clever with all that adaptation stuff, but you just...

485. The roof is such a faff, drive you mad.

486. Excellent hire car.

487. - Yeah. - On holiday? Yeah.

488. - 'Cause then you can give it back. - At the end.

489. And that gearbox, it's... Drive you mad.

490. I'm told it's quite safe, though.

491. It's very safe. It did very well.

492. NCAP crash-test, four stars.

493. Which is about the safest super-mini and that was...

494. That was with the roof rails off.

495. So, it's a four star cabriolet.

496. The thing that worries me most of all about it is... Listen to this.

497. - It's hollow! - Yes.

498. There's nothing in it at all! Has it got an engine?

499. Yeah, 1.4 or 1.6.

500. - So, we wouldn't have that, right. - No.

501. Let's just run through the others very quickly.

502. The Daihatsu Copen, good car or a bad car?

503. - Good car. - He's mad on it!

504. It's fantastic.

505. You're not gonna get this, I know,

506. but that car, it's small, it's silly.

507. All it does is makes the rest of the world massive.

508. You know, like the incredible shrinking man in that film

509. where the telephone keeps getting bigger in his hand.

510. - No. - All right.

511. But I'm sure it happened, I just don't remember.

512. Okay, well, it's a bit like that.

513. You sort of drive around amongst massive road signs and huge hatchbacks.

514. It's absolutely brilliant.

515. Can't say I noticed it myself. I thought it was all right, but um...

516. Beetle. Would you buy one or not?

517. Nope. - No.

518. - Nah, you're gonna look sick. - You would?

519. I would, looks fine.

520. You'd buy one? Hang on a minute. Why would you buy one?

521. Very stylish, very cute. Everyday car term.

522. Hitler designed it. You do know that, don't you?

523. I wasn't a fan of his. But I like the car!

524. You like something Hitler gave the world.

525. Great, um... Pluriel we've done.

526. What about this finished in lovely baby diarrhoea here?

527. In any other colour, that is a fabulous four seater cabriolet.

528. It really is the business. Yeah.

529. I've driven this. I know it to be a very, very good car.

530. What about the Mercedes? Would you buy one of those?

531. Possibly, but not with that engine.

532. That's the 500 V8. I don't know about you,

533. but driving a convertible, I sort of think,

534. you either have a performance car, and you drive it vigorously.

535. Or you take the top off, and you smell the cow pat.

536. So, you may as well have the little engine.

537. - You might as well. - If you have the little engine,

538. why have that? Why not have the Audi?

539. I was about say, you might as well have the Audi, frankly.

540. I can't see why you'd take the Merc over the Audi? Have the Audi.

541. So, of all of them, which do you like the most?

542. Audi, Copen.

543. So, we've basically decided of all these convertibles

544. - we like the Audi and we like the Copen. - Yeah, excellent.

545. But I can't drive that Copen!

546. You would look spectacularly ridiculous.

547. I hope you do one day. I'd love to see it.

548. I've got to try this out. I'm gonna see what this looks like.

549. I gotta see that.

550. It's not so much a car as a shoe.

551. Oh, look at that, that's fantastic!

552. Do you know the really...

553. Do you know the really funny thing

554. is that if I did more than 500 miles in it,

555. I'd end up with hair like this guy, look!

556. Look at this!

557. You came in a Copen!

558. Oh, dear. I don't know.

559. I think you should just work harder and buy an SL.

560. Well, there we are.

561. Now, my guest tonight is very, very tall

562. and a global fashion icon.

563. Kind of like me, really.

564. Ladies and gentlemen, supermodel Jodie Kidd!

565. Whoo!

566. Now, look.

567. This is what we've been waiting for, really.

568. - Have a sit down. - God, I can't tell you how nice it is

569. to have someone on the show who's a proper size.

570. I know, I don't have to look down the whole time.

571. No, exactly. But what about cars?

572. Do you have trouble getting in them?

573. I do indeed actually, but, um...

574. Yeah, I'm quite nimble. I can fit in.

575. You know, I'm not that big.

576. Big, you know. I'm tall.

577. No, 'cause there is... I mean, I have a rule I basically always say,

578. "I can get into anything I want to get into."

579. - Yes, that does help. - If it's a Ferrari...

580. That does help.

581. I don't mind driving with my knees up here.

582. Exactly, I always found that with knees around your elbows.

583. Actually, for you, that might... Yeah.

584. Um, now.

585. You were recently described in the Birmingham Evening Post as being...

586. I've got it written down here.

587. "A self-indulgent celebrity setting a really bad example."

588. Great. I'm really happy.

589. That's exactly what I want to be.

590. - Did you know that? - The Birmingham Post?

591. This was about, apparently, you going on the Gumball rally.

592. - Ah. - I think that's a great idea.

593. The Gumball, yeah, no. It's fantastic.

594. How does it work? 'Cause I've never been on one.

595. It's just a group of really cool people

596. that have nice cars, just going for a very long drive.

597. - And it's across America? - And it's across.

598. Yeah, I've done it twice. I did it from east coast to west coast.

599. And then, this year, we did it from San Francisco to Miami.

600. So, it's like sort of time trials.

601. And they say you've got to get from A to B.

602. No, it's not. Because, if you did that

603. then everyone would start racing,

604. because you have Ferraris, you have the most serious supercars.

605. And of course if you're gonna say to someone,

606. "Right, whoever gets here the quickest is gonna win, everyone is gonna race.

607. So how fast were people driving?

608. Ah, I don't know.

609. Well, I do.

610. I don't know why I asked you the question.

611. I'm perfectly aware of how fast.

612. - I don't know. - There was one guy who took a Koenigsegg...

613. Oh God, you know about it!

614. 220 miles an hour.

615. I thought it was 40.

616. - 240, was it? - 242.

617. I'm sorry. I stand corrected.

618. - So how fast did you go? - I don't know.

619. I know the answer to this one, too.

620. I don't know. About 95?

621. In a Dodge Viper.

622. - I'm very good. - I think it was 140.

623. 'Cause you have the truckers all help out, don't they?

624. Yeah, the truckers are great.

625. The truckers tell you where the police are sitting.

626. We went last year.

627. Why would you need to know that?

628. - If you weren't breaking the speed limit. - I don't know.

629. - It was warning all the people behind me. - Okay.

630. You see, so I had to, you know... The Ferraris and all that.

631. Um, so...

632. So, they have Gumball in Europe now.

633. Yes, well, uh, they're taking it back to Europe again, uh, next year.

634. But I've just done, uh, literally last week,

635. I did a five-day, uh, rally.

636. And so what were you driving in that?

637. I was driving, my car, a Maserati Spyder.

638. - You've got a Maserati Spyder? - I do, indeed.

639. I'm surrounded by people with Maserati's.

640. 'Cause they're good cars. Do you know what I mean?

641. No, you see now. They're not.

642. - Yes, they are. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

643. Um... No they're not.

644. - Well maybe... - Have you driven one on the track?

645. Yes, I have!

646. How did it feel on the track?

647. It was different on the track to on the road.

648. I think we've got some footage, actually,

649. of Jodie having a little bit of a run with the Stig, yeah?

650. - Yes! - Who'd like to see that?

651. - No. Yes!

652. - So, let's put it. Here we go. - Oh, it's beautiful!

653. That's really insane! He's gone mental!

654. So where did the love of cars come from?

655. I don't know. I mean, I've always been...

656. I always rode horses my whole life,

657. and I just... I feel that

658. when I got behind the wheel of a really fast car,

659. it was that kind of same adrenalin, that feeling you get

660. when you're riding a horse, when you're playing polo, and it's just...

661. It's a great freedom, I feel.

662. So now the polo's...

663. 'Cause the one thing that I genuinely don't understand,

664. is do they play on polo ponies?

665. Yeah, but they can be horses.

666. - It's just a name. - Oh, you can.

667. 'Cause I was thinking, with you, it has to be a Shire horse.

668. I've got the six legged horse.

669. How tall is your horse?

670. You probably won't understand but about 15.3.

671. But that's small, I have to have 17.

672. - How do you know what 15.3 is? - Hands.

673. If you don't know anything about horses.

674. I know everything about horses.

675. - I don't know anything about polo. - Oh, okay.

676. I have three donkeys at home.

677. Do you?

678. Geoffrey, Eddie and Kristin Scott Donkey.

679. I do!

680. I adore my donkeys. They are my life.

681. They're everything, I just think they're fantastic.

682. - Very noisy. - It depends what you do to them.

683. Now I can tell, you're chomping at the bit,

684. if I may use a horse expression,

685. - to find out how you did on your Suzuki Liana lap. - Yeah.

686. - Okay, 'cause as you probably know by now - I burned it.

687. we get a celebrity on the show every week,

688. we put them in the same car, Suzuki Liana.

689. Star in a Reasonably Priced Car it's called, we send them round the track.

690. Now, Jay Kay is 1 minute 48.

691. And then at the bottom we've got Richard Whiteley

692. who took two weeks and six days.

693. So where do you think you're going to fit in there?

694. I don't know.

695. I'm seriously competitive, so I went round

696. and round and round, until I got a good time.

697. You had a few practice laps.

698. - Yeah. - Tara came.

699. - Tara Palmer Tomkinson. - I've got to beat her.

700. You've got to beat her.

701. She did say at one point, she got distracted by...

702. She thought she saw a good-looking man.

703. Which is unlikely, frankly, here.

704. And that slowed her down a bit.

705. 1.54. But you reckon you're gonna beat her?

706. I hope I beat Tara.

707. Well, shall we find out, everyone?

708. Yes.

709. This is Jodie's lap.

710. Big wheel spin.

711. Come on, Subaru, whatever you are.

712. Subaru? Suzuki!

713. Oh, that was my best one!

714. That was the best I've seen anyone go around there.

715. That's very smooth, across the line!

716. What are you doing?

717. Right.

718. I love people's faces at this point!

719. Everybody comes out of it.

720. - You're said you're a bit competitive. - I'm actually nervous!

721. You're actually nervous.

722. - You want to beat Tara. - Yes.

723. - 1.54. - Yes.

724. - You beat Tara. - Good.

725. You wanna beat Steve Coogan?

726. - 1.53. - Yeah.

727. - Of course. - You beat Coogan.

728. Ooh!

729. - You wanna beat Jamie Oliver at 1.50? - Yeah.

730. Particularly as I'm 1.50, and Gordon Ramsay is 1.50.

731. Yeah, go on.

732. - You beat them. - Oh, my God!

733. - You wanna beat Jay Kay? - Yes.

734. - You did! - No!

735. Fantastic!

736. I should explain, we don't have points on this.

737. But actually you were 0.3 of a second faster than Jay Kay.

738. I would expect him to be back next week! I don't know.

739. Ladies and gentlemen, Jodie Kidd!

740. That's brilliant!

741. I'll make it tidier.

742. Now, here on Top Gear, we can tell you how fast cars go

743. and how good they smell when they're new.

744. What we can't do is tell you

745. if they fall to bits after two years hard use.

746. That's your job and that's why we have the Top Gear motoring survey.

747. If you've got a car registered between 1999 and 2002 we want to know about it.

748. Last year, we had 37,000 respondents,

749. making this the biggest independent survey of UK motoring.

750. We want to know about your dealer, about your car.

751. What's fallen off? It's all done online.

752. Log on. (READING)

753. We'll bring you the results in the autumn.

754. Okay, few weeks ago we asked people

755. to send us photographs of kind of botched custom jobs.

756. The address we gave out was, "I'm a clot and I've ruined my car."

757. Now, funnily enough we didn't get too many responses to that

758. but we did get a lot from people who addressed their envelopes,

759. "My neighbour is a clot and he's ruined...

760. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) - "... his car."

761. Okay, now let's see the first one here, on the screen.

762. What I find particularly interesting about this is the crook lock!

763. Who the hell does he think is going to steal it?

764. I mean, if he has to report it to the police...

765. Yes, it's a Peugeot 205 XS.

766. Yeah, with flames going out of it.

767. Yeah, on the out the side of it.

768. Or worse still, if they find it and he hasn't told them.

769. "We found your car, sir. You won't believe what they've done to it."

770. "I did it myself!"

771. Right I've got one here, it's a Citroen BX, sensible car otherwise.

772. - Look at that! - (ALL EXCLAIMING)

773. I mean, clearly what's happened, he was on the ramp,

774. having it fixed and he just drove off and took the ramp with him.

775. Of course, what's interesting about the BX is it's

776. got a suspension that goes up and down.

777. I'm beached!

778. - That is amazing. - Okay, now listen.

779. There was one that was sent in...

780. I just howled because plainly what the guy had done

781. was magnetise his whole car

782. and then drive though a branch of Halfords.

783. Shall we see that? Yes!

784. That is one of the best.

785. What does he think it looks like?

786. But actually there was another guy. Get a look at this,

787. some bloke magnetized the interior of his car and went through a scrap yard!

788. Look at this one!

789. Oh, I think another 100 dials and he'll be fine in that!

790. Right, spoilers. It turns out,

791. and I think we kind of know this, spoilers are a very rich

792. vein here to explore, when it comes to

793. spoiling your car, thoroughly. And here I think...

794. This is awesome, okay. It's on a Porsche. Look at that!

795. - Now that, that is a spoiler! No, it isn't.

796. No! No! No! This is tiny!

797. This is a pathetic little thing.

798. I'll show you something. Let's look at this one. Yeah!

799. I mean this is America, isn't it?

800. (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Hey! I've got a bigger one!

801. It's going to tip over. It must.

802. That's just extraordinary!

803. I have to say, okay,

804. my absolute favourite, though, is...

805. Let's just see the roof of it here.

806. Now, this is fair enough. The guy is obviously a fan of the Dukes Of Hazzard

807. - and the General Lee car with the Confederate flag. - Nothing wrong with that.

808. Nothing wrong with that at all.

809. Let's now have a look at the car.

810. Now, I'm...

811. That's a Vauxhall Cavalier, isn't it?

812. Ah, you can see through that.

813. You can't just write Dodge Charger on the back!

814. Next week I'm going to turn it into a Lamborghini using the same technique.

815. Thing is, do keep these coming in.

816. Now we can't promise to put any more on telly.

817. We probably won't. But they give us such a laugh

818. in the office we want to see them! They're brilliant.

819. Now last few years, hot hatchbacks have been in the doldrums,

820. but in the last few months they have been coming back with a vengeance.

821. Every other day it seems another one comes along

822. which has got more power than all the others

823. and a new and exciting way of getting that power onto the road.

824. A year ago we gasped when Ford introduced the Ford Focus RS.

825. It had 212bhp, which was harnessed by a clever new type

826. of front differential.

827. Then Volkswagen came along with the Golf R32.

828. This had 237 brake horsepower which was kept in check

829. with an ingenious four-wheel drive system.

830. And now we have the Alfa Romeo 147 GTA

831. which has 250 brake horsepower.

832. So does it have a front differential?

833. No. Does it have a 4-wheel drive system?

834. No.

835. The result is, shall we say, exciting.

836. In the same way that it's exciting to share your bath with a fan heater.

837. In a straight line it doesn't just beat the Ford and the Volkswagen,

838. it annihilates them.

839. It really is a massively fast car.

840. 0-60 takes six seconds dead!

841. And it would be faster still if you could use all the power.

842. Just imagine what the front wheels are having to do in this car.

843. They got to do the steering, they got to do most of the braking.

844. And all the time they are being attacked by

845. 250 mad Italian, over-excitable Il Palio horses.

846. The traction control is on virtually constantly

847. trying desperately to keep the power away from the wheels.

848. (STUTTERING) There we go!

849. You may as well have a 1.3!

850. And the problem is that if you turn the traction control off

851. all hell breaks loose!

852. It wouldn't be so bad if the chassis was any good.

853. But it's really very, very wobbly and loose.

854. And all the time you've got this big, heavy, V6 engine

855. trying to drag you in a straight line into the nearest piece of undergrowth!

856. It's a mess!

857. This car is insane.

858. But that's okay because you'd have to be insane to buy one.

859. No, really, I can pretty much guarantee that it will go wrong in some way.

860. I mean, I've had this half a day and look at the wheel wobble.

861. That will put you in the hands of the Alfa Romeo dealer network,

862. widely acknowledged to be the worst in all of Britain.

863. And there's more. Alfas depreciate as fast as they accelerate.

864. You pay £22,000 for this car now

865. and in three years it will be worth way less than half of that.

866. If you have a modicum of common sense,

867. you'll avoid the 147 and buy one of the other two.

868. The Golf probably.

869. It manages to be nearly as fast as the Alpha,

870. without being completely...

871. Right then. So complete disaster.

872. No, fabulous car. Wonderful in every way.

873. - Hang on Jeremy, you said that'll lose all of its value. - Yeah.

874. - It would fall apart. - Yeah.

875. - And it'd probably crash into a field. - Yeah.

876. - Those are usually seen as bad things. - Yeah, you're right.

877. But there's another way of looking at Alphas, isn't there?

878. And the first place to start is under the bonnet.

879. That you see is not a 3.2 litre V6, it's a heart.

880. With it's kind of chrome ventricles sticking out of it.

881. And then if you go to the interior, look at the body-hugging seats.

882. Hand-stitched leather, those dials are off a Ferrari, and the aluminum pedals.

883. It's just such a nice place to be.

884. Really is. I mean, I know it handles like a stallion

885. with half a 100 weight of wasabi up it's backside

886. and I know it'll ruin you but if you want to be sensible,

887. go on the bus.

888. Look, can we just... Just nail this down then finally, Jeremy.

889. If it's the real world and it's your money and you're buying one,

890. what are you going to choose, The Golf, the Focus or this? Three of them.

891. - Yeah, not the Focus. - It's the cheapest.

892. It is the cheapest and it is very good on the track, but in the real world,

893. that diff just makes it, ooh, twitchy.

894. As I said in the film, I would go for the Golf.

895. Every fibre of my body would say, "Buy the Golf"

896. and I'd be on my way to buy one. I'd veer off and buy one of these.

897. And you'd find me in the same showroom buying one as well, because it's crazy, but that,

898. - that's the one I'd go for. - It is, mental, but that's the thing, of course,

899. we're women, as we keep being reminded by him.

900. You're a man. What's it going to be?

901. - The Alfa. I would. - You'd go for the Alpha as well?

902. Of course there's one more thing that we've got to do 'cause we know nothing.

903. Avanti, Stigisimo.

904. Off the line and predictably a huge amount of wheel spin!

905. Now there were two big questions, here, will the Alfa beat the RS Focus?

906. And will it have any front tyres left at the end of the lap?

907. Oh, there we go. Nice. The Stig's gone, easy-listening opera.

908. It's enough to bring a tear to his helmet.

909. Okay, there he's round Chicago.

910. He's keeping surprisingly tight. I should say of course

911. the Stig's doing this with no traction control.

912. If you buy a 147 GTA, please don't try it at home.

913. Mind you, that said, the button that disengages it,

914. traction control will probably fall off anyway.

915. Ohh! That is very fast through there.

916. Very fast, flat out.

917. If he tries this corner he could end up in our studio with the understeer it's got.

918. No. He's through it.

919. Is he going to beat it? He was four seconds off at the halfway mark.

920. Four seconds off the Focus, can he beat it across the line?

921. Okay, I've got the time here and it is one minute,

922. 35.6, which puts it

923. sort of there.

924. Yeah, now you've got to ignore the Ferrari's,

925. the Lotuses, the Astons, because they were all done in the wet.

926. The ones we're after are the Golf, so it's two seconds behind that, two and a half.

927. And the Focus. Three seconds behind that, that's quite slow.

928. - Does that bother you? - Nope, not at all.

929. - Still have it. - You'd buy the Alpha even if it's slow. What about you?

930. - Couldn't care less. - Neither could I. I'd still have the Alpha

931. even though it's slow and that's the extraordinary thing about the world of cars.

932. It's like the Humvee we had on a couple of weeks ago.

933. Bad cars can be brilliant and there's your example.

934. And so, on that completely illogical, wildly understeering bombshell,

935. good night. See you next week.