Top Gear 2x7

1. Tonight, a man behaving quickly in our Reasonably Priced Car.

2. A piece of Monument Valley with wheels.

3. And the world's best-looking car in our hangar.

4. Good evening, and we're very sorry.

5. A couple of weeks ago, The Stig drove a racing car round our race track,

6. and all week, the newspapers have been full of little else.

7. Look at this one. "Top Gear'yobs' wreck million-pound car."

8. Of course the Daily Mail had to go bigger. "Top Gear'hooligans'."

9. And I am going to be a hooligan tonight,

10. because I am going to show you how to buy a Volvo diesel

11. with a substantial discount.

12. Call that yobbish!

13. I'm going to be test driving the safest small family car that money can buy.

14. We've actually got a bit of a safety theme going on tonight.

15. And of course, if you're talking about safe cars,

16. you have to talk about Swedish cars.

17. They gave us the Saab, with the big jutting out bottom lip,

18. and they've given us a whole load of Volvos,

19. and now, they've given us a new type of car.

20. This is the Koenigsegg,

21. Sweden's attempt to land a punch

22. in the Italian-dominated world of the supercar.

23. It's their answer to Lamborghini, Zonda and Ferrari.

24. The thing is though, that Ferraris are built with a zest and a Latin passion.

25. This is built in a more Northern European way.

26. For instance, it's made from autoclaved epoxy, pre-impregnated carbon fibre.

27. It's a true semi-monocoque.

28. The front end is mounted on a chrome molybdenum subframe

29. and the engine sits on top of a machined aluminium dry sump

30. that's also a supporting beam for the rear subframe.

31. That's interesting.

32. And there's more, too, because none of this behind-the-scenes technology

33. has interfered in any way with what Koenigsegg call

34. "the general ichthyomorphic design principle".

35. These are the aesthetics.

36. And the best bit of those aesthetics

37. are the dihedral synchro-helix actuation doors.

38. So, is this the most boring supercar in the world?

39. Um... no.

40. It's lighter, more aerodynamic,

41. and amazingly more powerful than a McLaren F1.

42. Its supercharged V8 pumps out a simply colossal

43. 655 brake horsepower.

44. Koenigsegg say it will go from 0-60 in three seconds dead

45. and on to a top speed of 245 miles an hour.

46. Now, if those figures turn out to be accurate, this will be, quite simply,

47. the fastest road car in the world!

48. Sadly, our test track isn't long enough to test the top speed.

49. The fastest I've ever been down here is 170 miles an hour in the Pagani Zonda.

50. And it wasn't much fun.

51. Now, it may sound simple, driving down a runway flat-out,

52. but there are problems.

53. The runway is so wide, it affects your sense of perspective.

54. So you sit in there thinking, "Little bit further, little bit more,

55. "little bit harder, little bit more speed."

56. And then, before you know it,

57. you end up here,

58. 14 inches from the end of the runway, and in big, big trouble.

59. It might look a bit daft, but we put up some markers to remind me to brake.

60. Then I waited until the wind had died down.

61. And then, I went after the Zonda's record.

62. Okay, here we go. Those G-forces hurt your neck!

63. I've gotta take as much speed as I can through this bottom corner.

64. Onto the main strait at 112 kilometres an hour.

65. The supercharger whacking the fuel out!

66. Into third!

67. Up to 7,000rpm and into fourth.

68. We're now going 205kph. And into fifth.

69. Bit of a bump. It's starting to weave a little bit here.

70. Here we go, 258 and into sixth gear.

71. 268, 271, 277.

72. Brake hard!

73. Oh, hard!

74. Engine, whoa!

75. Now, we've got a little button here, tells us how fast that was.

76. 280 kilometres an hour!

77. That's 174 miles an hour.

78. Four miles an hour faster than I managed in the Zonda.

79. So, welcome, everyone, to the fastest car we've ever tested here.

80. This goes like nothing I've ever driven.

81. And it feels like nothing I've ever driven!

82. The clutch is heavy, the steering's heavy,

83. the gearbox is heavy.

84. It's just a tonne and a half of testosterone.

85. You could drive this thing to the gym, turn around, go straight home again,

86. you'd have had more exercise than if you'd done a workout.

87. Touch of understeer.

88. You've gotta be so fast!

89. Whoa!

90. It is absolutely brutal!

91. A bloke from Koenigsegg was going,

92. "Turn the traction control off."

93. He must be joking!

94. This is the meanest, angriest, heaviest,

95. most unforgiving machine I've ever come across.

96. But it doesn't need to be.

97. That is the beauty of this car.

98. If you don't like something about it, change it.

99. The bodywork all peels away, and then everything is adjustable,

100. brake bias, suspension, ride height, power steering, the lot.

101. So you can have it set up for a big, wide open circuit like Silverstone one day,

102. and then the next day, couple of minutes' work,

103. and it's set up for a twisty, turny one like Cadwell Park.

104. Then, if it's a lovely summer's evening

105. and you want to set it up for going to the pub,

106. simple, slide in here,

107. do this clip, move that lever, undo that clip,

108. and the roof comes out.

109. Then you simply slide it into the front, like so...

110. Perfect fit. Still room for a small bag.

111. Close that down. And we're ready to go.

112. The Koenigsegg doesn't have the racing pedigree of McLaren and Ferrari.

113. It doesn't have the phantasmagorical or visual clout of the Lambo

114. or the quality of a Zonda,

115. but it's very fast and very, very special.

116. Well, it may be a Swede, but take it from me,

117. it's not a turnip.

118. Ah, well. That is brilliant.

119. What a fantastic start to a programme about safety.

120. That's really going to help get rid of the headlines.

121. "Top Gearsensible people," it's not gonna say after that.

122. Thanks.

123. - He's let us down. - I'm afraid so, yes.

124. He's let the BBC down, he's let The Stig down,

125. - he's let himself down. - He has.

126. Do you think we can rescue the reputation

127. of this safety programme with a bit of insider dealing?

128. - I've no idea, give it a shot. - Okay.

129. Volvo. Now, deals on new Volvos in the UK are quite rare.

130. They are good, steady sellers,

131. they don't generally have a problem with oversupply

132. or any of those things that tend to drive prices down.

133. However, let's take one of their S60 models.

134. In fact, let's take a really good, sensible diesel one.

135. This is the D5S 2.4.

136. The list price of this, £21,000. I found it for £17,000.

137. - That's a good, safe buy. - Very safe.

138. Let's try a more interesting one.

139. We've got the C70 Convertible 2 litre-T.

140. That's almost £25,000 list price.

141. I found it for £22,000.

142. Now VAT is not something I normally worry about,

143. - because, frankly, you can't do anything about it. - No.

144. But you can get Citroen to pay it, it turns out.

145. Now they won't pay VAT on fags or whisky,

146. but they will pay it on some new Citroens.

147. Notably, they're people-carriers.

148. We've got the small one which is the Xsara Picasso,

149. and the big one which is the C8.

150. They will also pay the VAT on any options you specify.

151. So, if you had a fully kitted-out Citroen C8 people-carrier,

152. you would be saving almost £4,000.

153. That adds up, doesn't it? That's a big saving.

154. Well, let's take a real life example, okay.

155. The Xsara Picasso 2-litre HDI diesel in desire specification.

156. The list price of this car is £14,600,

157. but with Citroen paying the VAT, it's £12,500.

158. £2,100 off. Does that sound good?

159. - Yeah, that sounds very good to me. - Good? Good?

160. Ah, well, you see, I found the same car in the UK,

161. the same specifications, £11,000.

162. That's even cheaper. Why?

163. Because I went through a broker.

164. Now, you all are seeing these things in the back of car magazines,

165. you get them at the back of Exchange and Mart, you get it on the interwebnet.

166. These people that advertise cars at bargain prices,

167. what you do is you go to them, you say, "This is the car I want".

168. They find it for you and they tell you what their best price is.

169. You can take it or leave it.

170. The moral of this is, always shop around.

171. Because it doesn't matter how good the official manufacturer's deal is,

172. someone else will probably beat it. Hmm.

173. Right, let's get back to the safety theme, and the Koenigs-eugh-egg.

174. We've established that it's the fastest car

175. we've ever tested in a straight line.

176. But what about round the track?

177. It would have to beat the Zonda's 1:23.8.

178. So, can it?

179. Valkommen...

180. So, this is the big one!

181. Can the Koenigs-eugh-egg take the lap record round our track?

182. This car has over 100 horsepower more than the Zonda

183. and loads of grip, so if anything can do it, it will be this.

184. We should never have let The Stig go to Tennessee.

185. Now, here we are, into Chicago.

186. And he's sideways! He is very sideways!

187. Steady, Stiggy, this car bites!

188. Coming up to the Hammerhead now. Will it understeer?

189. Not a chance! Look at that.

190. It's the Follow-Through, he's looking fast.

191. Oh, that is very fast!

192. Over the first sector, the Koenig...

193. It was absolutely level pegging with the Zonda.

194. Can it beat the Pagani to the end?

195. Here we go, a bit of a slither through Gambon and across the line!

196. So, anyone wanna guess? Was it faster than the Zonda?

197. Yes. - You're wrong.

198. It did it in one minute 23.9.

199. Whoa! - A tenth off.

200. Just a tenth off.

201. It's basically the same.

202. I'll tell you something though,

203. it's gonna take me longer than one minute 23 seconds to write it out.

204. It's Koenigs...

205. - K-O-E... - I've got that.

206. You carry on with that. I'll tell you something else.

207. Who would like to see a shot of The Stig's first attempt to get across the line?

208. Yes. - Okay. Play it.

209. Here he comes, up to Gambon.

210. Oh!

211. The extraordinary... How are you doing?

212. Well, I've run out of space. I've got about 12 Gs on there and I can't...

213. I've got an idea though, hang on.

214. Hopeless, you've got 12 Gs...

215. - I'll get it on there, I reckon. - Yeah.

216. Thing is though, I have to say about the Koenigsegg,

217. and this is that, when I was doing the speed run,

218. there's a dip in the runway where, presumably, planes used to land.

219. And when you head through that normally, 120, 130, it's fine,

220. but once you're going past 160...

221. And just before I set off on the speed run...

222. - What are you doing? - I missed a G out there.

223. - Keep going. There's no X in it. - Is there not?

224. Just before I did the speed run, the guys from Koenigsegg said,

225. "Would you mind awfully, we're going to put some gaffa tape around the window?"

226. That really fills you with confidence!

227. Still an immensely impressive car.

228. Come here, let me finish it off for you, you're gonna be here all day.

229. - That can't be... - Koenigsegg.

230. I-G-O-G-A-B-B-A.

231. Oh, that's how... Yeah, you're right.

232. Viking CC.

233. Oh, no, there's no space for the time.

234. But it goes... It goes... I was rather hoping it might not, actually.

235. Can you reach?

236. The thing is...

237. It did it in one minute 23.9 seconds.

238. That is so close.

239. That is fantastic, and I think you have once and for all established here

240. that the Koenigsegg-segg-segg- segg-segg-abba-segg-viking is very, very fast.

241. - Yeah. - That's good. But that's not really about safety, is it?

242. - No. - No.

243. Are you planning to do anything to do with our safety theme at all?

244. - No. - Didn't think so.

245. - Do you wanna try? - Maybe a bit later. Actually, maybe now.

246. Because my guest tonight is best-known for his role in Men Behaving Badly,

247. but he was once in Boon,

248. where he had a motorcycle, and therefore he had a crash helmet.

249. - Safety! Got it. - Exactly.

250. Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Morrissey!

251. - Hey! How are you? - How are you?

252. Very well. Have a seat.

253. - Bit of a problem, this. - Yeah.

254. Last time we were together about six weeks ago, we were on the Parkinsonshow.

255. And we had Parky to ask us questions.

256. - Now, what are we gonna do?

257. Do you reckon you're up to it?

258. I read somewhere, uh, you read somewhere, uh,

259. somebody somewhere... What about your father?

260. - Jeremy, tell me, you're into cars, apparently. - Yeah.

261. Cricket. Let's talk about cricket.

262. - Actually, we are talking about safety tonight. - Yeah.

263. - Are you a safe driver? - Well, I'd say I am now.

264. I mean, I definitely have been through the whole, sort of, mad area in my life, you know.

265. I mean, I've always had motorbikes as well.

266. Oh, no. Really?

267. Yeah, come on, man.

268. Well, they're very fast.

269. I knew it would happen one day.

270. I knew we'd have a guest come on one day and go, "I've got motorbikes",

271. and I'd have to sit and pretend to be interested.

272. No, but the thing is, there's perfectly good reasons.

273. And understandable, Jeremy, why you wouldn't like motorcycles.

274. - Why? - Well, you're very tall, aren't you?

275. Yeah.

276. You'd look like one of those clowns on a silly old...

277. Going round a very gentle bend, knee on the floor.

278. "What's that about?"

279. Do you go on these, sort of, biker weekends?

280. No, not really. But I enjoy the bikes.

281. I wouldn't say I'm a member of the biking fraternity as such, but, um,

282. you know, there's a group of friends, a few of us who like bikes,

283. but we don't go... I mean, you know...

284. 'Cause there is modus operandi for being a biker, isn't there?

285. - They all meet... - Honestly, I live in the Cotswolds, okay?

286. - And every... - Great roads around there, for, uh...

287. No, that's it! Every single Sunday, out they come!

288. Well, yeah.

289. From a 100 miles away!

290. You can hear them leaving Edinburgh.

291. And it's such a stupid noise that motorbikes make.

292. You know, as they're driving past your house at 90 miles an hour,

293. and you're clipping the hedge with your Black and Decker,

294. they're just going past you going, "Sad.

295. Now, look. The thing is,

296. I don't spend my weekends dressing up in leather and going off with other men,

297. a lot of whom have moustaches, and then drinking soft drinks in the pub.

298. Yeah, but... I do have to agree with you and comply a little bit there,

299. because there is a certain way of dressing these days.

300. We've got some photographs. Can we just bring up a photograph?

301. Oh, yeah. - This is the sort of thing...

302. See, that is dodgy. - Do you wear that when you...

303. Oh! Certainly not. No. Definitely not, no.

304. I mean, this is a Power Ranger, isn't it?

305. This is what they're dressing like...

306. Ohh, no! See, that is not very easy on the eyes.

307. How do you look cool, walking into the pub like that?

308. And going, "A bitter lemon, please,

309. "'cause I'm riding my Honda CBR."

310. Yeah. Yeah.

311. - What bike have you got? - I've got a big, fat Triumph. It's a 955 ST Sprint.

312. It's about a couple of years...

313. That's just a collection of numbers and letters. Meaningless.

314. It's a fast little fella... on the road.

315. I understand that. "Fast little fella."

316. Yeah, but it's great. It's a nice, light bike.

317. There's as much variety in the bike world as there is in the car world,

318. you know, for the kind of performance you want to get out of it

319. and the type of rider that you are.

320. 'Cause I did once go... You might be able to help me out with this.

321. I once went on something called a Ducati Monster.

322. - Yeah! - You're familiar with that?

323. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah.

324. And it was in Monte Carlo because I was working there.

325. - And you just touched the throttle thing... - Yeah.

326. - No, it's not like that, it's like that. - It's like that.

327. No, no, but if you did that, it'd throw you off the back!

328. - I've never felt acceleration... - Yeah.

329. And so, you literally are holding on, on those big bikes,

330. the 916 and the Fireblade and things like that, you just hang on, really.

331. I mean, what do they call them in hospitals?

332. - They just call them donors, don't they? - Yeah. Absolutely.

333. Because, I mean, I've followed guys,

334. but the worst ones aren't the bikers,

335. - it's those pizza delivery boys. Oh, God!

336. In the rain, with those boxes on the back here,

337. thinking that they're on a bleeding circuit.

338. And what I love doing is, when you're in a queue,

339. dual carriageway, the queue, and the bike comes down the middle,

340. and you're in a convertible, have a good stretch.

341. Scares the life out of them.

342. I know! But that's another thing what car drivers are jealous of,

343. is the fact that we can potter down through the gaps on the motorway.

344. I'm not jealous.

345. 'Cause you're arriving in a helmet, covered in leather,

346. dirty, sweaty.

347. And I arrive, and I'm listening to Terry Wogan all the way.

348. Yeah, that's true. But you can do that on bikes these days as well.

349. And you can have cooling systems in your outfits,

350. and heating systems, all kinds of things.

351. It'll take you 20 minutes to get off it!

352. Unplugging yourself...

353. What sort of car do you drive?

354. I've got a nice BMW 745i.

355. That's not very sporty.

356. No, it's not very sporty, but it's safe, isn't it?

357. I mean, I prefer to sort of keep my madness on the circuit.

358. I like to go out to race days. I like to go to race tracks.

359. - Oh, those track days? - Yeah, track days.

360. We were doing those last week. Have you tried them?

361. Oh, yeah, I did the one at Palmer, it was absolutely brilliant.

362. You could drive about 10 different fast vehicles all day.

363. And the instructors are brilliant, like Stig,

364. 'cause they just want to make you go faster!

365. And it is brilliant. And at the end of the day, I did well.

366. - I was top in four categories. - Really?

367. Oh, so you are... You're quick on a car, then?

368. Well, I have a go.

369. I mean, one thing the instructors in the Palmer day

370. said to me was that, "He's fearless".

371. So, that suits me, you know.

372. Um, now listen. You've had your practise, obviously, at the track days.

373. Yeah.

374. How do you think you got on? Do you think you're down here?

375. Obviously not with Richard Whiteley.

376. I hope not!

377. I walked around the track this morning in two minutes, five seconds!

378. I did my second circuit and he was still on it!

379. Still trying to finish. Where do you think you'd like to be?

380. - Do you see yourself up... - I'd like to be near the top!

381. Do you think you're gonna be quicker than the chef duo here,

382. Oliver and Gordon Ramsay?

383. I'd like to be, but I don't know. It's really difficult.

384. This is me at 1:50.

385. Although that was recorded with two other people in the car.

386. - So, I do claim...

387. I do claim to be faster than JK when I'm not here.

388. - Yeah. - Claiming here now.

389. Well, shall we find out, everyone?

390. - Yeah! - Shall we see his lap?

391. - I'm really looking forward to this! - Here we go.

392. Too much wheelspin.

393. I know.

394. - What am I rambling on about? - I don't know.

395. That's going there.

396. That's concentration.

397. - Yeah. - You really do look like...

398. I'm trying to repeat what Stig was putting in my mind.

399. That's smooth, 'cause if you go too fast round those corners,

400. - you just lose all the speed. Yeah.

401. Good.

402. This one's tricky. This is a hard corner.

403. It's like threading a needle at 100 miles an hour,

404. 'cause you go from a very wide track to a very narrow one.

405. Yeah. Oh, I didn't do too bad.

406. That was where Michael Gambon nearly turned it over. And you're across the line!

407. Well! I know how fast you did it.

408. Go on! Tell me! Not that I'm competitive.

409. Well, it's one minute, so, you're quicker

410. - than Harry Enfield and Richard Whiteley. - Oh, good, good!

411. We've had one record go last week,

412. we've had another one go this week.

413. 49. You're quicker than me, mate.

414. Whoa!

415. Well done.

416. I can't tell you how pleased I am!

417. That is a quick time.

418. - Only JK to beat. - Now get out.

419. That's fantastic!

420. Well, it's not that fantastic, actually.

421. It's funny watching people's faces when you tell them,

422. 'cause everybody goes, "I'm not bothered", you get to that bit...

423. Oh, no. I have to say this is the most exciting bit for me,

424. - finding out that result. - Exactly. Well, that's a very good one.

425. - He's not going to be best pleased. - No.

426. Yeah, he's going to be pretty cross with that.

427. I think I might phone him up and make a booking at the restaurant tonight.

428. - "I'll be there in three minutes!" - Yeah.

429. "Taking a tour a bit there."

430. Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Morrissey!

431. There is an organisation called Euro NCAP,

432. that, every year, deliberately crashes brand new cars.

433. And it does it to see how safe they are.

434. It then awards them a star rating out of five,

435. depending upon how well they do.

436. Now, the first car ever to get the maximum five stars was the Renault Laguna.

437. Since then, there have been others, the Peugeot 807,

438. Toyota Avensis, Mercedes C and E class,

439. the Saab 9-3, and in fact, the Renault Vel Satis.

440. But those are all quite big, quite expensive cars.

441. The first, and still the only, small family hatch to get the maximum five star rating

442. is this, the new Renault Megane.

443. When this car first arrived late last year,

444. I found it a bit, well, strong.

445. In fact, I laughed.

446. But now, I feel a bit of a chump.

447. Actually, I feel a bit like those people

448. who were asked to invest 10 quid in Trivial Pursuit and turned them down.

449. At best, I felt I might respect them for their boldness,

450. but oh, no. Renault have done it again.

451. They've made a car that is completely cutting-edge cool.

452. This is Hoxton Square, officially the coolest place in Britain.

453. No one living here works in accounts.

454. It's a place so cool, that if you walk across this square,

455. by the time you get to the other side,

456. all your clothes have gone out of fashion,

457. and come back in again.

458. And just look how well the car sits here.

459. And don't forget, we are talking about a small family car here.

460. Suddenly, everything else, even the Ford Focus,

461. starts to look a bit, well, last week.

462. It may not drive as well as a Focus,

463. but on balance, you just don't care.

464. It's well priced, well equipped,

465. and has a decent choice of engines.

466. And the interior is clever.

467. I could take all of my possessions and just lose them in here,

468. out of sight.

469. Mothers will be fishing kids out of obscure cubby holes for years.

470. But if you buy your next family car because it's pretty,

471. or because it's easy to keep tidy,

472. you need your head looking at.

473. Although we're very good at finding ways of going faster,

474. we're not built to cope if things go wrong.

475. In a typical crash of between 30 and 40 miles an hour,

476. your head will be thrown forwards with a force of 40 or 50G.

477. That means, it weighs, suddenly, 50 times as much as usual.

478. That puts your neck under a strain of between one and two kilonewtons.

479. That is the equivalent of holding up a 200 kilo weight

480. with your neck, or of being hung.

481. And the main bones in your legs

482. are put under a stress of between three and four kilonewtons.

483. That's like jumping off a very high wall

484. with another fully grown adult on your back.

485. Suddenly, the Megane's safety features begin to look a lot more interesting.

486. Things like crumple zones.

487. It's designed to come apart at the seams,

488. dissipating energy around the car

489. and leaving you safe inside.

490. But, before any of that begins to happen,

491. the car is doing things to protect you.

492. At the moment it detects a crash starting,

493. the seatbelt has pre-tensioners located either side of me.

494. They fire, and the belt clamps you down into the seat.

495. Then as your body weight is thrown forwards,

496. the mounting points of the belt are designed

497. to peel away from the body of the car.

498. It works a bit like a tin opening.

499. There are weak points engineered in that allow it just to peel away like that.

500. It's called a load limiter,

501. and it does just that, it actually slows you down a bit more gently.

502. Then, there are the air bags.

503. There are eight of them in here. Eight!

504. Now, normally, at this point,

505. we'd just show you the crash test footage like this.

506. And that would be that. End of road test.

507. But not this time.

508. Because we're not going to be sending this car

509. back to Renault in the same shape that they sent it to us.

510. We're gonna crash it into that car

511. at over 30 miles an hour.

512. And we're not going to be using dummies.

513. We're gonna use him.

514. This is Lee, ourTop Gear brave person.

515. Now, he has crashed cars before for TV,

516. but those were stunts where they used helmets, safety harnesses,

517. - and roll cages.

518. But this is no stunt.

519. He's not gonna wear a crash helmet or protective clothing,

520. and there are no extra safety features bolted onto the car.

521. Lee will crash this completely standard Megane,

522. and rely on the car alone to protect him, just as you'd have to do.

523. This has never been done before on a car programme.

524. But the Megane is a small family hatch

525. that thousands will drive with big claims made about its safety.

526. So, let's put Renault's money where their mouth is.

527. Lee, can we open it? Well, the door opens.

528. - How are you? - Uh...

529. - Cor, it doesn't half generate some heat. - Yeah, how do you feel?

530. - Um...

531. How fast were you going when you went in?

532. Last time I looked, about 30.

533. So it was 30-ish. 30.

534. - About the speed... - About the speed

535. of a general mum going to the shops with the kids.

536. The air bags went off.

537. Did you feel anything else happen with the seatbelts,

538. any pre-tensioners or anything?

539. Uh, I'm glad I went to the toilet before we did this,

540. because this has really pulled me straight hard into the seat.

541. The lap strap across your waist,

542. I felt really tugged me back hard,

543. and it's still uncomfortable to sit here at the moment.

544. There was a loud pop.

545. It is a bit louder than I imagined it would have been.

546. - Um... - Shall we help you out of that thing?

547. - Do you want to get out? - No, no, I think I can...

548. - Have a quick look at the front of the car.

549. And as you did it, you should see it.

550. Well, I mean, the door. The door is fine!

551. Well, from here,

552. it's not bad.

553. No! - I mean, it's squashed a bit.

554. - It's made a right mess of the other one. - The radiator probably.

555. Thank you very much!

556. Live crash test dummy! Um, that's fantastic, it works.

557. I've just got one thing to do.

558. - Telephone Renault. - Oops.

559. - You gotta do that. - I gotta do this alone.

560. It's one of those calls!

561. Most people believe that all modern cars behave about the same in an accident.

562. Well, I'm sorry. That simply isn't the case.

563. What I've got here is a Toyota Avensis.

564. Now, this is a Euro NCAP five-star car, as good as it gets.

565. It's been crashed into a deformable concrete block

566. at 40 miles an hour in a laboratory.

567. And if we come round here,

568. we find that the seat has barely moved,

569. the steering wheel has barely moved,

570. and, crucially, the door still closes.

571. Now, that shows us that this bit,

572. the bit where you're actually sitting, hasn't crumpled up at all.

573. Now, suddenly we start to see the differences between these cars.

574. This is a Proton Impian.

575. It's been put through exactly the same crash.

576. 40 miles an hour, deformable concrete barrier, in the same place.

577. And straight away, I can barely open the door.

578. Now, that's not just inconvenient,

579. it shows it's been bent out of shape round here,

580. which means the cabin itself has been deformed,

581. and that's where you'd be.

582. And if we look inside, we can start to see why this is a three-star car.

583. Things like this, the brake pedal, it's been shoved right up here.

584. Your foot would have been on there.

585. Now, that would damage your ankle,

586. it could damage the crucial ligaments in your leg, which is bad.

587. Worse still, the steering wheel has been shoved back.

588. Now, that can damage your chest, which could be a lot worse.

589. So, the Proton is a little bit less money than the Avensis,

590. and if you want to save a little bit of money, go ahead.

591. And you can't tell just by looking at the cars which will do best.

592. This is a small car, a Ford Fiesta.

593. It's been put through exactly the same crash.

594. 40 miles an hour, deformable concrete barrier.

595. And if we look inside, we can see immediately why this is a four-star car.

596. It's not too bad in here.

597. And that's because it's been designed to withstand it

598. and to send the energy around you and protect you.

599. It's actually got bars running through here,

600. which is why it's pretty much the same shape as it was before the crash.

601. There are bars running along the door to send the energy around you.

602. And the structure of the floor itself

603. means all the energy goes from the front of the crash around you.

604. Compare that now to this Land Rover Freelander.

605. This is the kind of car that families buy.

606. We come around here, we find that this pillar,

607. where it meets the roof, has crumpled,

608. so any more speed, woof, that'll go.

609. The roof has given up the ghost here.

610. Even the door has had it.

611. And look how much... Look how much that has folded up.

612. And if we open it, the seat has moved,

613. the steering wheel's moved, the pedals have moved.

614. - Now, you've got a daughter, haven't you? Yep.

615. Would you let her go in a three-star car, which is what this is,

616. now that you've seen this?

617. And that's exactly the effect these crash tests have.

618. You just think, "No". It changes the way you look at cars completely.

619. - It's a big, chunky family car and... - It is unbelievable.

620. Um, does anybody here want to know?

621. 'Cause we've got a list, actually, of the Euro NCAP results here.

622. Uh, does anybody want to know how their car fared?

623. MG ZT. - An MG ZT. Let's have a look.

624. - That's basically a Rover 75. I've got it. I've got it.

625. - There you go. - Rover 75, 2,000, that's a four-star car.

626. So, that's basically the same as the Fiesta. So, you're okay.

627. - You can have an accident on the way home. Anybody else?

628. - Yeah? - A4, Audi A4.

629. - Audi A4. Have you done that? - Yeah, I've got it.

630. You got the Audi A4?

631. That again, if it's 2001... Here's what happens.

632. Here's the difference a few years make. '97, two-star.

633. - What year's your car? - 2003.

634. 2003. Certainly, it's a four-star.

635. That's a four-star car.

636. So, it's like the Fiesta, it's not as safe as the Avensis.

637. But it's not bad. You can crash into another A4 and you'll be all right.

638. - Anyone else? A Daewoo Nexia.

639. - A what? - Daewoo Nexia.

640. - A Daewoo Nexia!

641. Have you got a Daewoo Nexia? No, they haven't bothered!

642. - Anyone else? Mercedes C-Class.

643. Mercedes C-Class.

644. - That's a five-star one, isn't it? Yeah.

645. - It's a '99. - Oh, a '99.

646. Well, it'll be interesting to see how it differs.

647. Mercedes C-Class. Unless it's after 2001,

648. when it became four stars, it is a two-star car.

649. - So, you've got what? What year's yours? - '99.

650. Yeah, it's two stars. - '99?

651. - Yeah. - Really drive carefully on the way home!

652. - My suggestion to you

653. is if something pulls up, really brake hard, okay.

654. A two-star car you really don't want to be crashing. Seriously.

655. - Does anyone here got a Ford Escort? Yes.

656. - You've got a Ford Escort? - Cosworth.

657. - It doesn't matter. Goodbye.

658. - Yeah. You've got a... - Bentley Turbo.

659. A Bentley Turbo. Do you know, I bet they haven't crashed one of those!

660. - Have you crashed a Bentley Turbo?

661. I bet they got to the day and thought, "No, I can't!"

662. No, the Bentley Turbo went through the concrete block,

663. - through the back door, drove away and nobody knew.

664. Still going. - It's still having an accident. Yeah?

665. - Citroen Saxo. - A Citroen Saxo.

666. That's kind of like a carrier bag, isn't it?

667. - It's a...

668. Have you done a Citroen Saxo?

669. Yeah, it's in here, Jeremy. It's a two-star.

670. - That's a two-star car. - Whoops!

671. Now, honestly, how does that make you feel,

672. knowing now that you've got a car which is gonna behave in an accident worse...

673. This is a three-star car here, okay.

674. The Freelander is three-star. Yours is two-star.

675. How does it make you feel?

676. Very nervous.

677. It is a strange thing about safety is you just...

678. Well, you see that and think, "I've no need to have a car."

679. 'Cause if you had a Fiesta...

680. You know, you could have an accident,

681. the same accident as you do in the Citroen and you'd be okay.

682. The thing is there's no guarantee that any of these cars

683. will behave how they're said to in this list,

684. but you got to admit it makes some pretty interesting reading.

685. And if you want to know more, the next round of NCAP results are out in about a week.

686. Now, an apology.

687. Earlier on in the show I forgot to give you the price of the Koenigsegg.

688. It's £354,000.

689. - Sorry about that.

690. Still, let me cheer you up with a world exclusive.

691. This.

692. This is, I think, the most beautiful car I have ever seen.

693. It doesn't look wrong from any angle.

694. It's the new Aston Martin V8 Vantage.

695. It's got a 4.3-litre V8 engine at the front, rear-wheel drive,

696. gearbox at the back for perfect weight distribution.

697. It's light, it's gonna be very, very fast,

698. and it'll cost a very reasonable £70,000.

699. Going on sale in 2005.

700. So, have you just ordered a Porsche 911 recently?

701. Do you know, I think he's right,

702. because I am about the world's biggest Porsche 911 fan.

703. And If I had just ordered one,

704. I think I would be on the phone to the Samaritans. It's an astonishing car!

705. Right, time for the news!

706. First up this week, news of...

707. Well, you know when you buy something vaguely technical,

708. could be a microwave, could be a toaster, or a car,

709. - you get instructions, yeah? Yeah.

710. Hundreds of pages of it.

711. When you get a baby,

712. which is actually quite a complicated piece of kit,

713. - you don't get any instructions at all.

714. No. - None. Until now, because, of all people, Haynes...

715. You must have heard of them. They do these manuals.

716. There's the Peugeot 405,

717. and there's the Ford Fiesta Service and Repair Manual. Been doing it for years.

718. They've done another one, and it's on the baby, apparently.

719. They're doing one on the baby?

720. The Haynes Manual for Babies.

721. - That's the most dangerous thing I can think of!

722. - I have reservations.

723. The sort of people who buy those manuals

724. are the sort of people who think they know better than the experts.

725. Yes. - This baby's got a leak out of the back.

726. Brown stuff. I'll put the sump plug in. There we are. That's better!

727. It's just not the place for amateurism, is it?

728. This is fantastic news for British medicine.

729. You know, we've had all that test tube baby stuff.

730. - Let's have the first baby born in an inspection pit. - Yes.

731. - That'll advance medical science.

732. No, it's just... It's the notion of,

733. "No, I'm not going to take you to the hospital. Come down to the shed!

734. "Bring the plunger, I'll do a ventouse delivery.

735. "There we go. That's got it out!"

736. You know, what's always worried me about Haynes Manuals

737. is this thing. You've got these little pictures.

738. I'm sure you're all familiar with this.

739. And you get the oily-handed Haynes in the picture.

740. Do you want that in the Caesarean ward?

741. No. - Exactly.

742. What gets me is when they made it because the way they make this is quite simple.

743. They get some bloke, Derek whatever, beard, spanner,

744. and they get the car and then he takes it apart and they take photographs.

745. They must go through it like, "Well, when you've done a Ford Fiesta,

746. "can you do the Peugeot 405, Derek?

747. "And then, well, we've got an unusual one for you next."

748. Thunk! Baby!

749. - "I'll have it delivered out in a jiffy." - "No worries."

750. I've got news of a fantastic new car alarm from Cobra.

751. Now, this is very, very high tech.

752. Anywhere your car is in Europe,

753. this system, linked to satellite, it knows exactly where your car is.

754. And if your car is stolen,

755. it will send you an email, a text message or a fax.

756. - A fax? - Does anybody use those still?

757. - Well... - It's not the speediest means of communication known to man.

758. Well, I have this vision. Whenever I'm in my office

759. and I'm working away on something,

760. I hear that little click, the fax machine's going, I think, "Ooh, a fax".

761. You sit silently 'cause... "Dear Mr May..."

762. I think, "Fantastic". "Your car..."

763. "Oh, my car, what's that?"

764. "... has been..." "What? Entered for a Reader's Digestdraw?"

765. "... stolen."

766. Um, look at this.

767. The new BMW M3 CSL.

768. BMW are obviously very worried about the amount of cars that are thrashing this...

769. Oh, here we are, look.

770. Um, they're obviously very worried about the number of cars

771. that are beating it round our track.

772. The standard M3, the Vauxhall VX220 did it, the Audi S4 did it.

773. So, what they've done is they've made a lightweight version of it.

774. It'll cost you £58,500.

775. But what slightly worries me, chaps, is that

776. it's got a limiter, limited to 155 miles an hour.

777. But you can have it disengaged if you've got a racing licence!

778. The last people in the world

779. that you want to be driving around at a 180 are racing drivers

780. - with their tiny, tiny little racing-driver brains.

781. - I've got a racing licence. - Exactly!

782. - Yes.

783. How many races have you actually done with your racing licence?

784. Well, I haven't done any, Jeremy.

785. There you go. He can go in...

786. He can go in and say, "Could you take the limiter off?"

787. "Yes, absolutely." We go in, "Could you take it off?"

788. We're in our forties, very respectable.

789. "No, I'm sorry. You can't."

790. I'm really looking forward to that. I loved the old CSL.

791. - I used to have an old CSL. - Isn't it a bit rough for you, Jeremy?

792. No, the old CSL, what you used to have to do

793. is put cement bags in the boot.

794. - I'm not joking!

795. Boy, it was so light,

796. it didn't need brakes, it needed guide ropes to stop it floating away.

797. So, you came to a corner, it was, "Oh, my God!"

798. So you had to weigh the back down.

799. There was another car you used to have to do that with.

800. Concrete blocks in the boot. Morris Minor.

801. - It had that in common with the CSL. - My granny had a Morris Minor.

802. I don't ever remember her saying,

803. "Well, of course, the handling's not so good

804. "if you don't have concrete blocks in the boot."

805. I'm just a bit worried that we've ended up talking about Morris Minors at all.

806. Exactly, um...

807. - I've got a safety thing that I want to do. - Oh, good.

808. Yeah, now, look here, it's, uh, it's this green thing.

809. And it is?

810. It's a hearing aid. Funky hearing aid.

811. - I'm deaf but I'm funky. Look at that. - [HIGH-PITCHED BEEPING]

812. It's a special device for making you look like a total berk.

813. - It works well. - Yeah. Thing is,

814. is you put it on your head while you're driving along, and then

815. if you nod off, you fall asleep... Ready?

816. Wow! Jeremy, that's safe. Well done!

817. I think that's safe.

818. Just...

819. Just before we get carried away though,

820. I've spotted a couple of drawbacks with this.

821. You're driving along, you wanna change radio channels.

822. You wanna get something out of the glove box.

823. Yeah. - I'm not sure.

824. No. Do you know what? I think you've messed it up.

825. - Oh, turn it off!

826. I think you've messed up again.

827. And I think that's your second safety mess-up, which is two strikes.

828. I think, one more and you're out.

829. You got one more chance to redeem yourself.

830. Oh, now, I've got a really good safety thing coming up now.

831. Go on. - Here's some war.

832. After the Second World War,

833. General Patton said, "Victory would not have been possible

834. "without the Willys Jeep."

835. The modern-day equivalent is the Humvee.

836. Its wheels are wide apart, so they fit in the tracks left by tanks.

837. And there's 16 inches of ground clearance,

838. double what you get on any other off-road car.

839. When the First Gulf War was over,

840. some generals followed in Patton's footsteps

841. and said victory was due in no small part to this incredible car.

842. Although the Iraqi Army's decision to run away

843. may also have had something to do with it.

844. Now, after the Gulf War,

845. Arnold Schwarzenegger went to see the people who make the Humvee

846. and said, "Could you do a civilian version because I'd like to buy one?"

847. - Jeremy, this is... We are fascinated. - Yeah.

848. - With you all the way. - Yeah.

849. - It's still not got anything to do with safety, has it? - No.

850. No, it has. Trust me. Watch this.

851. If you're looking for the safest car in the world,

852. this is it.

853. You'd call the performance quite good if this were a boat.

854. And that means, you're never really going fast enough to have a crash.

855. Of course, if someone runs into you,

856. well, you're never going to know.

857. There are some drawbacks though,

858. chief among which is having a conversation in here.

859. The four seats, and there are only four,

860. are so far apart, they're in different time zones.

861. Then you've got the enormous, rattly, 6.5-litre, turbo diesel engine

862. sort of here in the middle of the room,

863. and then you've got the torque-converters in the wheels

864. which sound like giant, nuclear-powered pepper grinders.

865. Small wonder that Arnold Schwarzenegger

866. was so good at shouting in his films.

867. "I want your gloves and your motorcycle."

868. "He absolutely will not stop!"

869. And the problems aren't limited to talking.

870. There are other issues, too.

871. Can you guess what they are?

872. Oh, this is a narrow street.

873. And somebody's parked on it.

874. Mmm-hmm.

875. What a stupid place to park!

876. Do you realise people have got

877. big American military vehicles they need to get through?

878. I fear I may be causing a few problems, yeah.

879. Sorry.

880. Sorry.

881. Now, what on earth are we going to do?

882. I'm going to have to back up.

883. That's about 14 cars!

884. This is just the end of the world as we know it.

885. Sorry.

886. Sorry.

887. They're very good-natured people here.

888. Try this anywhere else, I'd have had my head kicked in by now.

889. The worst thing about the Humvee though is not the size or the noise.

890. It's that, as you drive along,

891. you can see people on the pavements

892. all mouthing the same thing.

893. "Ooh, there goes Chris Eubank."

894. This is a terrible car.

895. But, now, General Motors

896. has bought the rights to make civilian versions of the Humvee

897. and they've introduced a new version,

898. which is kinder to the environment and softer on your skin.

899. This is it, the Humvee H2.

900. It doesn't look like the sort of car Chris Eubank would drive.

901. It looks like the sort of car he designed.

902. It's available in Britain right now

903. with left-hand drive for £60,000.

904. And that seems like quite a lot

905. when you peel away this amazing body

906. and find out what's underneath.

907. Yep, underneath the abs and the pecs, is a GMC Tahoe,

908. which is ugly, big, slow, and completely flummoxed by snow,

909. mud, gravel, soil, grass clippings, drizzle, or even a light breeze.

910. It's rubbish.

911. As a result, the H2 is not going to win any wars.

912. If the Americans ever decide Britain needs a regime change,

913. they won't be storming over the White Cliffs in one of these.

914. Then, there's the fuel consumption.

915. I tested an H2 in the desert last year and got 3.3 miles to the gallon.

916. Unbelievably, it's even worse on the road.

917. If I put my foot down now,

918. the fuel consumption metre thing here is saying

919. I'm doing one mile to the gallon.

920. One!

921. You see, the problem is, is that while it's smaller and lighter

922. and easier to thread through town than the original Hummer,

923. it still weighs nearly four tonnes.

924. And it has a 6-litre V8 petrol engine.

925. Don't think that makes it fast, though.

926. You can do what you want with the macho gear lever, but you still won't go.

927. - And it stops like a duck on a frozen lake.

928. The thing is, though, that if I may liken most cars to little black dresses,

929. this is a full ball gown with sequins and a bustle.

930. And look at that row of lights on the roof,

931. that's a tiara!

932. It's a Roman orgy, a Hawaiian barbecue, a Viennese waltz,

933. and a helicopter gunship attack on Las Vegas, all rolled into one.

934. It's fabulous!

935. Yes, it's thirsty and hopeless and expensive, but I like it.

936. Unlike the H1, it feels like a car to drive.

937. It's quiet and refined, and quite well-equipped.

938. It's even practical.

939. If we look in the back,

940. we find that, unlike the H1, there are three seats in there.

941. And look at this.

942. A handle so robust not even a 6-year-old could break it.

943. Then we come round to the back, open the boot

944. with another man-sized handle,

945. and inside, we find another seat!

946. And space for a dog.

947. And, if we lower this,

948. like so, there's space for two dogs.

949. So, if you concentrate really hard,

950. you can justify this thing.

951. I have.

952. I've managed to convince myself that it's a sensible family saloon.

953. My wife's not so sure, but you know, given time,

954. given time, she'll come round to my way of thinking.

955. What you have to understand is that the H2 makes you feel like a 7-year-old boy.

956. And for that alone, you have to love it.

957. You're not seriously suggesting that this revolting,

958. plastic-fronted piece of pig iron

959. is a serious alternative to something like an X5?

960. - It's fantastic! It's revolting.

961. Slightly revolting, I admit. But the point of this is,

962. is that it reminds you what it is that you love about cars in the first place.

963. Every journey in this is an event.

964. You just think, "That's great, I want to go into town. I'll say that and come back."

965. - There are some journeys... One way of looking at it.

966. There are some journeys in this that are an event.

967. I saw one.

968. If it wasn't this one, it was one just like it in Manchester a while ago.

969. I did something with it, we finished, the day wrapped up.

970. The owner came to collect it, or rather his son,

971. and I've got to be honest, there was a bit of showing off going on.

972. Crowd, a bit like today, "Ah", he said,

973. "I'm gonna see if it'll fit through a drive-through at a burger shop."

974. Slammed it in reverse and backed straight over a BMW Z3.

975. Splat! Like it wasn't there.

976. And which car won?

977. Uh, well, it was the Hummer. I see where you're going.

978. Size is important in these things.

979. That's a little harsh!

980. - That was a little cruel. - Now, I do believe,

981. getting back, if I may, to the safety thing,

982. that if you're going to run into another car,

983. you're better off in something big.

984. And they really don't come much bigger or tougher really than this.

985. Ah, that's where you're wrong. Because they do.

986. This is the Talon Riot Control Vehicle.

987. Big, innit? But it's not all swagger.

988. This is the real deal, half a million quids worth.

989. It's armour-plated,

990. so it'll withstand that old terrorist favourite, the AK-47.

991. More than that, I was lucky that skin is also electrified.

992. 20,000 volts can be at the fingertips of your aggressors in seconds.

993. I could accommodate 14 of my nearest and dearest in here in relative comfort.

994. And each of them would have their own shooting hatch,

995. which is nice.

996. If things turn really nasty out there

997. and you're stuck in here for a couple of days,

998. well, there's a fridge for your beer,

999. you can monitor the oxygen levels in here, and

1000. there's a lavatory.

1001. Lovely.

1002. Now that is what I call a control panel.

1003. Grenade launcher, impulse generator.

1004. Lovely.

1005. Oh, dear, that's a bit tedious.

1006. Still, if I press this button...

1007. And if the yobs still won't disperse,

1008. you can deafen them with the PA system

1009. - playing one of your favourite tracks. Mmm!

1010. Add to that the run-flat tyres,

1011. infrared spotlights, high decibel sounds, and grenades launchers,

1012. and you should be okay.

1013. But the thing is, this is all a bit, well, defensive.

1014. What if I get cross and I want to go on the offensive.

1015. What can I do in my Talon?

1016. Well, if things get really nasty,

1017. I can always get really stupid and just head-butt stuff.

1018. That should do it!

1019. And, um...

1020. And there we are! A car that really is safer than houses.

1021. And that's it for today's show. See you next week.