Top Gear 2x6

1. On this week's Top Gear,

2. the driving god does a track day.

3. A foie gras car with a luncheon meat badge.

4. And we try to set a new land speed record.

5. Hello! And we start tonight with some good news

6. because I've finally found an advantage to being over 40.

7. Yes, hair sprouts out of your ears and, yes, hangovers last a fortnight,

8. but, all you youngsters,

9. the only chance you get to drive a Subaru Impreza and a Mitsubishi Evo VIII

10. is on your PlayStations.

11. Whereas me, with my wise shoulders and my hairy ears,

12. I'm allowed by the insurance companies to take them to

13. the best driving country in the world.

14. Scotland.

15. These cars were born in the rough and tumble he-man world of rallying.

16. With their turbo-charged engines and their four-wheel drive systems,

17. they grip and they go and they stop so ferociously

18. that you're just left absolutely breathless.

19. In the real world with bumps and hedges,

20. low-nosed, wide-bottomed Ferraris and Porsches

21. couldn't hope to keep up with either of them.

22. They are astonishing.

23. And yet they're both relatively inexpensive Japanese saloon cars.

24. They've both got four doors, they've both got big boots,

25. they're both as reliable as a Swiss bus driver's Austrian pacemaker.

26. What more could you possibly want?

27. Let's deal with the Subaru first.

28. The old model, the one with the silly headlamps, was a bit of a softy.

29. The new one has a more attractive face but don't be fooled.

30. The steering is quicker and the suspension is tougher.

31. They've made it harder, edgier,

32. less of a car, more of a bar room brawler.

33. It's a different story with the Mitsubishi Evo VIII.

34. The old Evo VII was like a Mafia hit man, without the compassion.

35. At first glance, it seems they've made the Evo VIII even more hard-core.

36. It's lighter and its gearbox has six speeds rather than five.

37. In actual fact though,

38. they've made it a little bit softer and quieter.

39. They've even given it a proper big fuel tank.

40. The old one used to have a Zippo in the back.

41. You were only able to go four inches before you ran out of petrol.

42. So the Subaru's been beefed up

43. and the Mitsubishi's been watered down.

44. It seems then that these two cars have met in the middle.

45. And that means I have to go out there into the bigness of Scotland

46. and find out which one's best.

47. Sometimes, you know, this job is very, very good.

48. Nothing prepares you for the shock

49. when you first take this thing round a corner. Take a test drive.

50. Honestly, take a test drive.

51. You will not believe how much grip there is.

52. You just won't.

53. This Subaru is a hugely manly experience.

54. The noise it makes, it's got a macho gearbox, it's got macho steering.

55. It even smells of man,

56. the essence of burnt clutch.

57. Splash it on all over before going out at night for a curry and a fight.

58. The Mitsubishi is much more technical.

59. It's got an Active Centre Differential which moves the power

60. to the front wheels or the back wheels depending on which have the most grip.

61. All I have to do is tell it whether we're on tarmac, gravel or snow.

62. And then it's got something called Super Active Yaw Control

63. which moves the power from side to side.

64. Sometimes then, in a really big corner, when you're really hammering,

65. this car is one-wheel drive.

66. So I can sum them up like this.

67. The Mitsubishi is like an F16 fighter, light and highly manoeuvrable.

68. The Subaru is more like an F15. A fighter bomber.

69. As far as power's concerned, both of them get close to 150 miles an hour

70. and both do naught to 60 in under five seconds.

71. You can't split them on looks either.

72. And inside both have willfully flimsy interiors that are lifted only by the big seats

73. and the buttons for spraying cold water on the intercoolers.

74. On the outside, the Subaru tries to lighten up with its pink and gold jewellery.

75. But both these cars really are shamelessly aggressive.

76. Look at the scoop on this bonnet.

77. And they seem to have given the Evo so many steroids,

78. it's started to grow out of its own body.

79. You know what these cars should be called, don't you?

80. The Mitsubishi "Did you spill my pint?"

81. and the Subaru, "You Outside Now!"

82. Trying to decide which is best is hard.

83. They're both spoon-bendingly, hallucinogenically, law-breakingly mad and absurd.

84. On a wide open road like this, the nimbler Mitsubishi wins.

85. But when things get narrow and bumpy, the Evo really does turn into a jet.

86. On a difficult road like this, the Impreza feels more planted.

87. So, which would I buy?

88. Ooh, I can't give you an answer now.

89. I'm having far too much fun.

90. So, Jeremy, what did you discover after your

91. unnecessarily long trip to Scotland?

92. - Nothing. - Right.

93. It's impossible to choose between these two cars.

94. There's no tangible reason why you'd take one rather than the other.

95. The only thing I will say is that when we finished filming

96. and I just had to drive back to the hotel

97. I always found myself getting into the Subaru.

98. Know exactly what you mean, couldn't tell you why. I prefer the Impreza.

99. Always have, no idea why.

100. It's like, you know, I prefer dark chocolate to milk chocolate.

101. I prefer Bedford to Bruce Forsyth.

102. Right.

103. Well, let's see if we can find out if there is any real differences

104. between them on our test track.

105. So, ladies and gentlemen, please say mushi mushi to Stig-san.

106. So first up, the Impreza STi. This is the tweet one, remember.

107. And... Oh, dear.

108. Ah! An emotional Stig this week, round Chicago.

109. Now, at the limit, this car does under-steer so will that slow him down?

110. It is looking good so far.

111. Oh! He is... I reckon... He is running wide there.

112. Into the penultimate corner. Come on, Stig, keep it tight. We need a good time.

113. And there's under-steer there. Loads of under-steer and he goes round the finishing line!

114. Now what about the Evo VIII?

115. In the interests of fairness, I should point out this isn't the car

116. that Jeremy drove in Scotland. It's the 301 horsepower FQ version.

117. 25 more than standard and one more than the Subaru.

118. Looking very tidy round Chicago.

119. No trace of under-steer at all as it smoothly powers through the Hammerhead.

120. - (TYRES SCREECHING) - Good Lord!

121. Screaming out of the Follow Through, over a second faster than the Subaru.

122. In the first set of the Mitsubishi.

123. Will it beat it? Over the finish line.

124. Kicking up dust through Gambon, right then.

125. The times. I have them here. Are you ready?

126. The Impreza STi, first of all, did it in 1:30.1,

127. which puts it there, faster than the Aston, just behind the Z8.

128. That is a very good time.

129. And how much faster is that than the Impreza

130. that we had in the last series, the old model?

131. It's just under one and a half seconds.

132. - One and a half seconds faster? - I know. It's very fast.

133. But get this, the Mitsubishi Evo VIII,

134. 1:28.9. So that's...

135. - Can you reach? - I can get that, Jeremy.

136. Quicker than the Lamborghini Murcielago?

137. That's astonishing. That is incredible!

138. That's a very fast car.

139. So if you want to go round a track quickly

140. you take the Evo VIII.

141. - But which would you choose? - Impreza. No idea why.

142. Neither of these cars, or indeed any of them, really, on our power board

143. find much favour among The Guardian set, let's say.

144. Whenever I go to a dinner party, I sit down, the person next to me

145. always starts off by saying,

146. "Please, will you go and sit next to someone else?"

147. The second thing they say is,

148. "We've got a 70 mile an hour speed limit in this country.

149. "Why do we have such fast cars?"

150. Well, the thing is, is that you can drive these cars quickly.

151. Because all of the country's race tracks,

152. Silverstone, Brands Hatch, Cadwell, Oulton Park, Scotland...

153. All of them now run things called track days

154. where you take your own car along and drive it as fast as you want.

155. I always fancied going to a track day but I needed the right car.

156. Well, fortunately, this month,

157. Peugeot have launched this 180 brake horsepower version

158. of their 206 GTI.

159. Bedford Autodrome, PalmerSport day.

160. All over the country,

161. people are queuing up to come to these "run what you brung" track days.

162. And so, make way for the Peugeot 206 GTI 180.

163. There's always a lot of expectations surrounding a new hot hatch from Peugeot.

164. It's because of the pedigree. It's because of the 205 GTI.

165. After all, the 205 was an icon.

166. It was one of the great hot hatches of the 1980s.

167. Indeed, of all time.

168. Ooh!

169. Yes, don't worry. That was me and not the car running out of talent.

170. Because the 206 is well-balanced and has masses of grip.

171. And the good news is that engine has given it just the extra oomph it needed.

172. Should probably take the stuff off now.

173. Not far from the truth. (CHUCKLES)

174. It'll do naught to 60 in 7.1 seconds and can reach 142 miles an hour.

175. That's fast, and I think the 205 would be proud of its offspring.

176. But ultimately, the 206 is at heart, a civilised road car.

177. Unfortunately, I've brought a knife to a gun fight.

178. Because the whole point of a track day is to leave civilised roads,

179. and, let's be honest, civilised road behaviour behind.

180. Why do you do it then?

181. Um, simply because there's too many damn speed cameras around.

182. And I think it's a way of venting. One, your passion to drive fast

183. because you can't in this country any more,

184. and why the hell buy a car that'll do 155 miles an hour and not use it?

185. It's easy to see why these "run what you brung" track days are booming.

186. You don't need a race license and you don't have to

187. join a race series and follow a race calendar.

188. It's just you, your car and your helmet.

189. Look at this guy.

190. 2 grands worth of Honda Prelude and he thinks he's Jenson Button.

191. I have never seen such an ordinary car

192. - take so much abuse. - (LAUGHS)

193. - What was your... - Thank you!

194. - What was your mission? - Thank you.

195. Yeah, it was to have good fun,

196. drive it as hard as I could and sort of drive the wheels off it.

197. That takes serious effort. (CHUCKLES) You have ruined it!

198. It's... Yeah, they were new last week.

199. I should've got some secondhand ones, shouldn't I?

200. Running an old knacker is actually quite a good idea

201. because, not surprisingly, track days are not covered by your ordinary road insurance.

202. If I wanted to get insurance, it's probably going to be around £120 for the day.

203. So, I usually just go out without it.

204. If you broke it though,

205. you push it off the circuit to a road, stick it in a ditch and go,

206. "Look! What happened?" (CHUCKLES)

207. - I've heard that happens. - Yes, I've heard...

208. I've seen cars pushed out onto the road.

209. That 206 GTI had given me track-day fever,

210. but it didn't provide the cure.

211. I needed stronger medicine.

212. This is the Palmer Jaguar, a track day thunderbolt.

213. And a more fitting remedy for a man who had once proclaimed...

214. I am a driving god!

215. Oh, my goodness!

216. This is a properly quick car.

217. It uses the 3-litre V6 out of Jaguar's X-type,

218. gives it about 300 brake horsepower and it weighs about 600 kilos.

219. That is very, very light.

220. And it means it's very, very fast.

221. It really can travel at some incredible speeds.

222. Straight up to 120, 130.

223. Absolutely awesome power in this thing.

224. Turn it in far here. Use that torque. The low-down power. Come on!

225. Yes!

226. Ooh! I might well have really overcooked that.

227. (LAUGHS) This is amazing!

228. Once more!

229. If I'm not a driving god, this is a car fit for one, at least.

230. So the driving god spinning off there

231. at what I suspect was probably five miles an hour.

232. Now, these track days are such big business these days,

233. that there are lots of companies who are making cars

234. specifically designed for the purpose.

235. They're basically racers with number plates and indicators

236. so you can take them on the road.

237. This Palmer Jag is one of them.

238. But it costs £47,000, and that is quite a lot.

239. Don't worry though, because there are lots of others which are a little bit cheaper.

240. So, that's the stats. Now let's see which is fastest on the track.

241. So, here's the cars in reverse order.

242. In fifth place, the Lotus Elise at 1:28.2.

243. In fourth, it's the Caterham at 1:25 flat.

244. In third, the Atom with 1:24 flat.

245. And in second place, the Westfield at 1:23.2.

246. And first, the amazing Radical. 1:19.8.

247. Right, the news, and we begin this week with a story about advertising.

248. Um, I have no idea how much advertising agencies charge big companies

249. to come up with snappy strap lines for products.

250. Must be millions and millions and millions of pounds.

251. I mean, the classic case in point for me was Sainsbury's.

252. They went to the ad agency and they said, "We want to get across a message

253. "that we sell good food, value for money

254. "and it'd be nice to get the name of the company in as well."

255. And the ad agency said,

256. "Right, if you give us a couple of million quid, we'll go to Mauritius for a month."

257. And they came back with, "Good food costs less at Sainsbury's."

258. - I could have thought of that. - Yeah.

259. - It's not that clever, really. - Or, "Coke is it."

260. Coke... How much did they pay for "Coke is it."

261. Yeah. - But, this week,

262. I think I've come across an ad which just trumps the lot.

263. You ready to see it? It's for the new Lexus RX300.

264. Here it is. There's the car, and the advert for it is:

265. "It changes everything."

266. That is a big claim, isn't it?

267. I don't want to go home tonight and find my front doors moved

268. and that all my children are badgers and that I'm married to Frank Bruno.

269. I don't want it to change everything.

270. This'll be a gardening program and we shouldn't be talking about that anyway.

271. Well, exactly, and do you know the thing is, is that you know those

272. - Advertising Standards Authority... - Yes.

273. They always say you've got to be... What are they? Truthful...

274. It's decent, honest, legal, truthful.

275. So, that advert must be true.

276. That'd be great. You could buy the Lexus

277. and then you'd wake up the next day and it'd have changed into a Jaguar.

278. All right, I've got sad news. Okay, this is sad news.

279. Aw!

280. You don't know what it is yet.

281. That's a blind date noise, isn't it?

282. - It was a horrible noise. - Aw.

283. Uh, I thought they were deflating the entire audience.

284. - Collapsing. - What's the sad news?

285. The sad news is this.

286. Right, diesel engines.

287. There were only three manufacturers who managed to hold on to sense

288. and not put diesel engines in their car.

289. - They were Honda. Well, they went and did it. - They've gone.

290. Saab, weakened and did it.

291. The last one has announced officially, they've weakened, they've gone, and it's Jaguar.

292. - Oh no! Aw!

293. - I know! It's terrible. - (VOCALISING)

294. They're putting a... (LAUGHS)

295. You all right, Jeremy? You're quite nasty.

296. That is a horrific piece of news.

297. Well, they're doing a V6 one in the S-type,

298. and there's a little four cylinder diesel going into the X-type,

299. which, of course, has nothing to do with Ford.

300. Oh, no, of course. Jaguar, yeah, no, it won't be a Ford engine.

301. I want to make that absolutely plain. It's a Jaguar engine in every way.

302. Yeah, but if you pick away at Jaguar, it might say "ord" underneath.

303. I don't know where they put a sticker on it.

304. But, I just have worries about this.

305. Jaguar is stealthy, sleek...

306. Is it going to work? Have a look at this.

307. We've got one in to have a look at

308. and we'll get an idea if it's going to work.

309. - It's Stig. - Yeah.

310. - (ENGINE RATTLES) Oh, dear.

311. That's simply not going to work, is it?

312. Yeah, I... It loses something, doesn't it?

313. Oh, beautiful. Just hearing it...

314. That is not going to work.

315. And, do you know the worst thing about this is,

316. is Jaguar was working, we know, on an F-type,

317. a two-seater modern day E-type

318. and they cancelled that project

319. because they'd spent all their money on a diesel engine.

320. Don't do a diesel!

321. - Please! Oh, dear.

322. Now of course, the big news of the week that's been in all the papers is...

323. We'll report here from The Observer,

324. "Drivers are facing the biggest revolution in the history of British motoring."

325. - It's the Lexus again. It's changed everything! - Yes!

326. The thing is that Alistair Darling, who is the Transport Secretary has said

327. he doesn't want people all taking their children to school

328. at 8:00 in the morning.

329. Well, now look, Darling, that's kind of when school starts.

330. It's not like you take your child to school

331. at 3:00 in the morning 'cause it's nice and quiet.

332. He hasn't thought all that through, has he?

333. So there'll be a lot of headmasters saying, "Clarkson, you're early."

334. 'Cause Dad arrived in his Jag diesel, saved a couple of quid there,

335. and he's dropped me off at 3:00 in the morning.

336. The idea is, Darling is saying,

337. he is going to use satellites to track all 24 million drivers,

338. and that if we use our cars at popular times, i.e. for going to work,

339. he's going to charge us for it.

340. And you know the most depressing thing about this, it really is,

341. and I am quoting now, okay.

342. "You can't build yourself out of the problem that we face," said Darling.

343. "It would be astronomically expensive, environmentally damaging,

344. "and I doubt if we could actually do it."

345. Now look, when you have the air ministry

346. in 1940 watching the Luftwaffe come over, they didn't say,

347. "I doubt we can do anything about that, frankly. We'll just let them..."

348. Or you know Francis Drake playing bowls,

349. "I doubt we can do anything about the Spanish Armada, there is millions of them."

350. - It's not the spirit, is it? - In fact, I have got a simple message,

351. which I want to deliver in a new Labour way, to Darling.

352. Okay. Ready? For your plan?

353. I've never read such rubbish.

354. Now, this is a truly heart-warming tale of British boffins.

355. They're called Mark and Colin. They've been in their sheds smoking pipes,

356. making cups of tea.

357. And they've been headbanging the old chestnut, the electric motor car.

358. They have come up with a prototype, called the eMotion.

359. And they say, "We really are at the cutting edge of technology,

360. "and aim to lead the way with a variety of innovations,

361. "many of which could find an instant and ready market in the mass production

362. "of commercially viable electric cars."

363. Let's have a look at it.

364. What a rubbish thing! It's got a fridge freezer!

365. And what's this on the top?

366. Colin said, "Mark, hang on, we've forgotten the windscreen.

367. "Could you just lend us your crash helmet?"

368. They obviously made it blunt at one end with a fridge freezer...

369. A fridge freezer...

370. Let's make it pointy, then it's aerodynamic! Look at that!

371. That's got some way to go before it becomes a viable four-seater family car.

372. Do you want to invent something? Invent another Concorde.

373. Right now, you know that Subaru and Mitsubishi film that we showed earlier on?

374. You're probably looking at that thinking,

375. "That scenery, those open roads, those cars, perfect."

376. But it wasn't perfect.

377. And I'm gonna show you an outtake now, which will explain why.

378. Caravans.

379. Get out of the way!

380. Pull over once in a while! Once every 300 miles!

381. Pull over! Please get out of the way!

382. Please stay in a hotel next time!

383. Please!

384. Caravans are the bane of our lives.

385. So, we decided to set the new boy, James here, a little task.

386. Incredibly, the world speed record for caravans stands at a frankly astonishing

387. 128.86 miles per hour.

388. But they thought I could beat that.

389. Bentwaters. 1.7 miles of prime Suffolk runway.

390. If there's anywhere to beat the world speed record for towing a caravan, it's here.

391. The car we're using is this Mitsubishi Evo VII.

392. Not something normally featured in The Caravan Club magazine.

393. It will do 130 on its own, no sweat.

394. But what it's gonna be like towing our mobile home, I don't know.

395. Definitely not gonna be a holiday!

396. This is our caravan.

397. And the rules state that it may not be aerodynamically modified in any way.

398. Not so the car, which has power bursting out of its every orifice.

399. Its turbo-charged engine develops 771 bhp.

400. But that's not the figure we're interested in. It's torque we want.

401. And this car has massive pulling power,

402. 648 pound feet.

403. Enough to move the mountain a bit closer to Muhammad.

404. Our driver is Lee here, proper stuntman.

405. And during the run, his hand's gonna be fairly close to this.

406. One yank on this, and it's goodbye caravan.

407. At over 100 miles per hour, the crosswinds could flip the caravan,

408. taking the car with it.

409. Or the windows could buckle in under the pressure,

410. turning the caravan into a huge parachute. Again flipping the car.

411. So, our first run, to test things out.

412. The caravan's quickly over the national speed limit.

413. The Evo VII is pulling hard.

414. 124.9 miles per hour. That is fantastic.

415. But then, disaster. It's a high speed blow-out from the kitchenette window.

416. - You've bust it, you hooligan. - (CHUCKLES)

417. - How fast were you going? - I think in the car, it was 124.9.

418. Okay, five miles an hour and the other side will fall off.

419. - No. No. Ready? - That's it.

420. Right. Didn't quite manage it that time. But I'm not quitting.

421. - I'm coming back later and I'm having another go. - You'd better succeed.

422. Now, one of the strangest things about being more than 40 years old,

423. is that you start to want contestants on game shows to win.

424. And stranger still, you start to like game show hosts,

425. even when they dress up as deck chairs.

426. Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Whiteley!

427. Wow.

428. How are you?

429. - Have a seat. - Right.

430. I've got to be careful with this, Jeremy.

431. It's got to be back at Bridlington first thing tomorrow morning.

432. I was gonna say, how much do you get for renting that out on Brighton Beach?

433. Mind you, I'm no one to talk. Let's be honest.

434. Really.

435. Um... Let's go through your career history.

436. - Born up north, yes. - Born in Yorkshire.

437. Born in Yorkshire. Which is fine.

438. Um... Educated at Cambridge University.

439. - Ooh! Blind date noises. - Someone has to be.

440. Launched Channel Four. I think you were the first person to

441. - appear on Channel Four. - Yes.

442. - And got eaten by a ferret. - Yes.

443. - That's about it. - So what about your car history?

444. My first car was a Ford Anglia. It was the Ford Anglia

445. immortalised, now of course by Harry Potter with the sloping back window.

446. Two-tone grey. It was my mother's.

447. And when I got my first job, I bought it from her when I was 21, 22.

448. - So you had an Anglia? - A Ford Anglia.

449. You also had... I was looking through your notes, a Lancia Fulvia.

450. Yeah.

451. - That's a fantastic car! - It was. It was fantastic.

452. - HF Fulvias, I still think are one of the prettiest cars. - Yeah.

453. - I've never driven one. What was it like? - Well, it was red

454. - and chrome. - Um, yeah?

455. - Coupe, two seater, black leather seats. - They are.

456. Quite a difficult gear shift, actually. It took a bit of driving, actually.

457. - Wooden steering wheel. 1973. - They are beautiful things.

458. Absolutely beautiful! What about now? What've you got now?

459. Well, I've got a Jaguar, actually!

460. Ah, of course you have. One of the new ones?

461. Well, I... Yes. I just... I got it about three weeks ago.

462. So, it is one of the new ones with the...

463. It is.

464. - Has it got that grill? - It has.

465. - It has. - You're so right, Jeremy. Saw your piece the other day.

466. It's a fabulous car, but what a pity about that radiator.

467. Have you stuck with your Jags then?

468. Well, I... I mean I've had... This is my fifth now...

469. Or is it my fourth? My fourth X Jag.

470. You know, I'm 59 now. I mean, you know...

471. - I deserve it, don't I? - I got nothing against them.

472. - I've had a Jag for years. - I just feel a bit of, sort of embarrassed.

473. I've always really wanted one.

474. And the first one I got about five years ago, I was so proud of it.

475. Really proud of it. And there I was...

476. And one particular day, I was a trustee then of the Royal Armouries,

477. which is the nation's collection of arms and armour, priceless collection.

478. - In Leeds. - Well, it moved from the Tower of London to

479. this big building, £45 million.

480. Most secure building in Leeds.

481. And I had to go through a process of getting a parking pass from reception,

482. so I roared up at one minute to 11 outside the big glass doors

483. of the armouries, nobody around,

484. uh, opened the door, engine running, rushed right in to get my pass.

485. I parked at the front thinking... I know you're not meant to

486. park at the front, but I thought, "I'm a trustee of this place,

487. "who's going to tell me off?"

488. I went out. I pushed this big glass door round,

489. I sort of looked outside and I saw someone getting in to my car.

490. And I thought,

491. "They're terrific, the armouries. They're valet parking it for me.

492. "Fantastic."

493. And then it roared off. It roared off. And I can tell you, Jeremy.

494. A Jaguar does do naught to 60 in five seconds! Whoosh, it was gone.

495. - It was nicked? - It was nicked.

496. - Did you ever get it back? - Well, so the story... Well, I got it back.

497. Yes, I got it back about 10 days later. It was okay. I mean, they'd...

498. - They'd used the ashtrays and they'd... - Oh, no.

499. And they'd tuned the radio from Radio 4 to the local commercial station,

500. so I was a bit annoyed about that.

501. You know, I did get it back and it was okay. But a year later,

502. I went on some charity visit to Armley Jail in Leeds,

503. and we were all there, the great and the good. We were being shown round

504. - and they echo, these prisons, have you been in one? - Yeah.

505. - Have you? - Yeah, a French one.

506. - This is... - But we won't go there!

507. We were looking round, the great and the good of Leeds,

508. and from the galleries high up, someone yelled down, can I...

509. - Can I do this? Can I yell... They said... - Yell.

510. "Northern Whiteley, you fat (BLEEP)!"

511. "Where's Carol?"

512. One of the prisoners who was accompanying us, he said... Oh, he says,

513. he says, "That's Jed.

514. "That's Jed up there what cried down at you. That's Jed.

515. "He's a real hero in this prison."

516. I said, "Why, what's he done? How many people has he killed?"

517. Raped, murdered, drugs, has he laundered money, all that kind of stuff.

518. I said, "What did he do?"

519. He said, "He were the lad what nicked your car two years ago!"

520. Listen, I want to play a game with you, okay? This Countdown thing, okay.

521. - This rearranging letters. Yes? - Yes.

522. What do you reckon?

523. - Got any ideas on that one? - I'm short-sighted,

524. I can't see that, thank goodness!

525. Okay. Well, I tell you what. We've got some here, all right?

526. - What do you think that might be? - Ooh, heck!

527. Mini, Mini.

528. Mini?

529. You're absolutely right. It's Mini.

530. Um, what about "sexul"?

531. - "Sexul"? - Give you a clue, Gary Lineker's got one.

532. - Nothing sexy about him or it. - Got to be a Lexus.

533. He's right. Lexus. Well done. That's two.

534. Now, they're getting harder now.

535. What do we think that one is?

536. "Nevorlard!"

537. - Anyone got any ideas? Land Rover.

538. - Land Rover. - You see, they beat you to it.

539. That's two words! That's two words!

540. "Nevor Lard" is two words!

541. Oh! Come on! Play the game, Clarkson.

542. We are playing the game! We've got "Nevor Lard."

543. Okay, then. "Imushibits."

544. - Who worked out these for you? - I did it.

545. - Mitsubishi. - He's right, Mitsubishi.

546. Oh, Mitsubishi.

547. - You're good at this! - These are getting longer and longer.

548. - Right. - (CHUCKLES)

549. "Pianos Shiazu."

550. - We can play the music while you work this one out. - Have you got 30 seconds?

551. Is that one word or two? I don't know.

552. - One word or two? - Two words.

553. You blew it. Has anyone guessed?

554. Hispano-Suiza! - Hispano-Suiza, says the man over there.

555. Well, he should be on your show.

556. Hispano-Suiza is right. - Hispano-Suiza.

557. Is that not the most annoying music in the world?

558. Yes. It is the most annoying music in the world.

559. Absolutely. The most annoying music in the world.

560. And do you have it on your mobile phone?

561. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Look...

562. - Do you have it on your mobile phone? - Look...

563. - Do you... - Yes! Yes!

564. - When you ring your mobile... - Yes. I do!

565. But, of course now, enough of that.

566. What I'm very interested in is how you got on in our reasonably priced car.

567. - Oh. This is very embarrassing. - Well, should we find out?

568. - Really embarrassing. - Should we find out, everyone?

569. Richard's lap.

570. Here we go.

571. Second.

572. - You're putting a lot of effort into this. - Knackered.

573. Now this is where he says don't brake. I'm only doing 70.

574. I've got to brake.

575. Quite smooth. Quite fast.

576. Ish. And into the last corner, that's Gambon... No. Yes...

577. That's a nice line. Now...

578. We have the time.

579. And I'm afraid it's a sad day in the history of Top Gear.

580. And a sad day for Harry Enfield.

581. No!

582. Richard Whiteley is the slowest man ever with a time of two minutes,

583. six seconds!

584. Enfield is going to be absolutely apoplectic.

585. It's his proudest boast in his career today.

586. He was so slow and now you've gone and beaten him!

587. By miles!

588. - Frankly, your life is now ruined. - I know.

589. But thank you very much for coming here. It's been an absolute joy to have you.

590. Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Whiteley!

591. - Thanks for ruining my life! - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

592. Thanks very much.

593. Okay. Earlier on I was told to go out and break the world caravan speed record,

594. which stands at 128 miles per hour. And I failed.

595. So I had another go.

596. With the window repaired to aerospace standards,

597. caravan glory is once again within Lee's grasp.

598. But this time the crosswinds have built up. The caravan starts to fishtail.

599. Lee keeps his nerve and straightens things out,

600. and he keeps his foot buried to the floor.

601. He hits 125.2 miles per hour. That looks great for a new record.

602. Just five miles per hour more. There's plenty of runway left.

603. But then, oil and smoke everywhere.

604. This doesn't look good.

605. Well, I'm not an automotive engineer, but I'd say it was mullered.

606. I think the piston's gone, but whether it's run low on fuel or something and

607. - got hot, I'm not sure. - So, we can't have another go then?

608. Ah, not with this car. No.

609. Well, there you go.

610. BBC Top Gear, the world's most anti-caravan organisation

611. defeated by a 20-year-old Abbey GT 214.

612. It's pathetic.

613. I wonder if James May realises

614. we don't tolerate failure on Top Gear.

615. It's not an option.

616. Maybe he doesn't know about the tank of piranhas out the back.

617. He'll be in it if he doesn't get it right.

618. Right. Get rid of that.

619. Um, got a bit of housekeeping to do on the Cool Wall.

620. We had Anne Robinson here last week,

621. and she said it's silly that the TT is this far down,

622. 'cause it's a cool car, it needs moving up.

623. So, there we are.

624. You're doing that 'cause she's not here.

625. Exactly, I wasn't going to do it when she was.

626. I've got one here, Jeremy.

627. We've actually had an omission. There's something missing off the Cool Wall.

628. And it's this.

629. Which is the Mercedes SL55 AMG.

630. Mmm. What a car.

631. - Jeremy's car! - What a car!

632. Um, there is a bit of an issue with this.

633. It's just been bought by somebody actually quite famous, very famous.

634. - Yeah. - Do you want to have a guess who?

635. - Brad Pitt. Cameron Diaz. - No, Jeremy.

636. No, you're going the wrong way entirely. Let me help you with this.

637. Um, it's Dale Winton.

638. Dale Winton's a nice chap.

639. No, Jeremy, he's orange. It's uncool. Sorry. There you go.

640. Well, I'm glad you brought my car up

641. because I've got one this week I'd like to share with you all.

642. The least cool car that I've seen in a long time,

643. 1982 Porsche 911 SC.

644. Particularly if somebody's written Carrera on the back and fitted a turbo body kit.

645. - Reminds you of anything? - That is my car!

646. That really is your car!

647. And it's hideous, so it's going here.

648. And it's left-hand drive, which means you're a cheapskate.

649. - Now the thing is... - (LAUGHS)

650. That's so true!

651. He's never overtaken anyone. Is it safe? Is it safe?

652. That's what passengers are for.

653. - His dog ate it. - Yes, she did eat it. But there we go.

654. There's a couple more I have got to stick up here.

655. Mitsubishi Evo VIII, we looked at it earlier. Where's it go?

656. Sub-cool... - Sub-cool?

657. Wrong, you see! Why is it sub-cool?

658. It's just a proper car. It's a fast car and it handles well.

659. Yeah, but you see, that's got nothing to do with coolness.

660. You know, it's like having ginger hair.

661. Anyone else got any thoughts on it?

662. - (LAUGHS) - Uncool.

663. You see, the chap over there, he says it's uncool, he's kind of right.

664. The thing is, it's very gender-specific.

665. If you're a man, it's really uncool to have this car.

666. - If you're a woman, it's fantastic. - It's funny that,

667. - but it's true. - We wanna meet you.

668. So it kind of goes there, as does exactly the same story with the Subaru.

669. - Yeah. - Put that there.

670. Right in the middle with the F60.

671. You see, it's funny. It's the way of the Cool Wall. That's how it works.

672. I've got one last one here, also driven today, the Peugeot 206 GTI 180 bhp.

673. - What do we think? Uncool!

674. - It's a great little car. - It's not uncool, you...

675. - Who said uncool? Me!

676. - Why is it uncool? - It's a Peugeot!

677. What's that got to do with it?

678. It's ugly. It's just not right, is it?

679. That's nothing to do with coolness! Anyone here think it is cool?

680. Right, I do. And I'm gonna explain why.

681. It's a hot hatchback, okay, and hot hatchbacks are cool

682. because they're small, they're easy to run, they're easy to park.

683. Then, when you're in the mood, and I had one of these a couple of weeks ago,

684. came down here, drove it in second gear all the way, made me feel 18!

685. - All of which is good, and they are really good cars. - Yes.

686. But, I just... I just want to say this, and okay,

687. everybody else thinks it's uncool, you think it's cool.

688. Casting vote here. I reckon, apply your own test, Clarkson.

689. You made it up, The Kristin Scott Thomas Test.

690. You picked her up outside her Parisian apartment in that...

691. - She'll get in it. - No.

692. She'll get in the diesel one of the bloke behind you, I reckon.

693. I think it's uncool.

694. Oh, my God!

695. Right, whilst they're busy being 12,

696. we'll have Insider Dealing, your fount of car-buying wisdom.

697. - What's the matter with you? - Chinese burn, mate, I hate that.

698. Well, why don't you stick up for yourself and give him a big wedgie or a dead leg?

699. - I will. I'll butt him. Well, I won't reach. Anyway... - Stupid boy.

700. Right, I was talking to a dealer the other week,

701. an independent local dealer, about waiting lists.

702. Not Range Rovers, three-year-old Toyota Rav 4s.

703. - Does that strike you as odd? - Very, how does that work?

704. Whenever you went to your local dealer

705. and he had a good stock of regular three-year-old cars,

706. Astras, Focuses, small off-roaders, mini MPVs,

707. he would've bought those from company fleets that sold them at auction.

708. - All right, fair enough. - And they always sold cars at three years old.

709. All of a sudden, they've changed tactics.

710. They're holding onto cars for a few years longer

711. just so they can tighten their belts and save money on buying cars...

712. So, they're not selling off their company cars...

713. They're not selling them off at three years,

714. they might be keeping them for four years or five years.

715. That means that usual supply of three-year-old mainstream cars has dried up.

716. Short supply, firmer prices.

717. The Top Gear top tip, if you want something like that, don't buy it now.

718. But, if anybody here's got a three-year-old Toyota Rav 4 they want to get rid of,

719. I know a bloke who'll have your arm off.

720. Time to sell it is now. Good. Okay, what else?

721. We know, don't we, that cars are facelifted throughout their lives,

722. and when that happens, the old version costs a bit less.

723. You can get it for a lower price. It's often not actually very different,

724. - is it? Tweaks and things. - It's tweaks.

725. Right, well here's a real life example. The VW Passat.

726. Earlier this year, this car was facelifted.

727. For example, the little rubber strips on the bumper

728. were replaced with little chrome strips on the bumper.

729. As a result of that,

730. cars with the rubber strips on the bumper, still in dealerships,

731. are actually worth a bit less. I think this is ridiculous but it's true.

732. - Well, how much, then? - Well, here's an example.

733. VW Passat 1.8T,

734. metallic paint, list price £18,200.

735. With rubber bits on the bumper, okay, a bit over £15,500.

736. - Hey? - Yeah.

737. - You saving how much? - Well, I want to ask you this.

738. Tell me honestly, what do you want?

739. Shiny bumpers, £2,500 to spend on beer and a holiday?

740. - I'll take the 2,500 grand, thank you very much. - I knew it.

741. That's insane!

742. And that's pretty much the only visual difference, anyway.

743. The rubber-bumpered car is still a 2003 car, okay, and it's still brand new.

744. It's just got a rubber bit instead of a shiny bit.

745. That's pretty much it from Insider Dealing.

746. But I've got another important announcement to make.

747. - All right. - Now, last year you told us

748. that the Toyota Yaris was a fantastic car

749. and that Toyota dealers were the nicest people on earth.

750. But you also told us that the Alfa 156 was a bag of balls

751. and that you'd rather go to the dentist than visit your Alfa showroom.

752. We want more of the same this year in the Top Gear Motoring Survey 2003.

753. Now, last year we had 37,000 responders to this,

754. which made it the biggest independent survey of UK motorists, right.

755. If you own a car registered between '99 on a V

756. and 2002 on a 51 plate,

757. that's very important, please get that right,

758. we want to hear from you, we want to know what you think of dealers,

759. what you think of your car, how reliable it's been, all that sort of stuff.

760. It's all online, you log on,

761. www.bbc.co.uk/topgear and get tapping.

762. Please do this, it is important.

763. We can drive these cars and tell you how fast they go

764. and how nice they smell when they're new,

765. but we can't tell you whether or not they fall to bits after two years.

766. You can, this is your chance to tell the motor trade and car manufacturers

767. what you think. Get tapping.

768. In the last two years, Lotus has sold 5,000 of these Elises

769. and Vauxhaull has sold 1,000 of these VX220s.

770. And you might think that's odd

771. because if you peel away the bodies they're basically the same car.

772. They're even made in the same factory by the same people.

773. I can, however, explain what's going on.

774. I've got two Armani jackets.

775. Open it up,

776. you see, says Armani in there, right.

777. Now in this one, I've changed the label so it says Millets.

778. Which one are you gonna buy? Hmm?

779. Exactly. Armani.

780. And Vauxhall has realised that.

781. They've realised it's no good making their car the same as the Lotus.

782. It has to be much, much better.

783. This, then, is the new VX.

784. You'll note the new spoiler on the back and its smart new wheels.

785. Inside, you'll take in the leather seats and if you snout around a bit,

786. you'll clock the extra soundproofing to make it even more refined.

787. You'll notice all these things and you'll think,

788. "That is a really pretty, pretty car.

789. "Well done, Vauxhall."

790. I'll have the Lotus.

791. I mean, it's not like the Vauxhall is any easier to get into.

792. If you're taller than six inches or if you have any extraneous body parts at all,

793. realistically, you need to take the roof off before you can get behind the wheel.

794. No problems there. It has the same simple roof as the Elise,

795. same basic chassis as well, and with a price of £25,000 it costs about the same, too.

796. It has the same handmade feel, too.

797. There are squeaks and rattles. That's a new rattle, actually.

798. But there is one big difference.

799. The normal Vauxhall VX, the 220,

800. has a 2.2-litre engine,

801. which is fine in a ham sandwichy sort of way,

802. but in this one, they've added some pickle.

803. The engine is actually smaller, just two litres,

804. but it has a turbo charger.

805. And that means 200 brake horsepower.

806. So, this may be a little bit heavier than an Elise,

807. thanks to its airbag and its anti-lock brakes and its soundproofing and so on.

808. And even its turbo.

809. But it is hugely fast!

810. Normally, I like the feel of acceleration.

811. There's a warm cosiness as all your internal organs are marshalled

812. by the G-forces into a little puddle at the base of your spine,

813. but in this, it's like you're being electrocuted.

814. Naught to 60 takes four seconds.

815. It keeps on kicking you in the back of the head

816. with its million-volt shoes all the way to 150.

817. Quick!

818. It's so quick that on the press launch in Spain

819. four of them were crashed by journalists.

820. There really was a rustle in the hedgerow.

821. Do you remember when Marks and Spencer's launched that range of underwear

822. that was all see-through and boudoirish?

823. Well, this car is as big a departure for Vauxhall

824. as those knickers were for M&S. Really.

825. And you know what? We haven't even got to the best bit yet,

826. its handling!

827. I drove an Elise round this track in the last series,

828. and I know I've got fingers of butter and fists of ham,

829. but it really was very, very under-steery and this just isn't.

830. Just turn in, whoa, miles of over-steer, you can get it up to the limit

831. and just hold it there.

832. I love it! Brilliant.

833. There's only one thing that's going to get me off this racetrack today,

834. and that's when it runs out of fuel.

835. And that's the first time I've ever thought that

836. while behind the wheel of a Vauxhall.

837. Now Lotus has responded to this car with a 190 Elise

838. that we saw earlier on in the programme in the track-day piece,

839. but that costs £33,000, £8,000 more than this.

840. And, this has an airbag and is more comfortable.

841. I really do believe that this is the sports car of the moment.

842. And best of all, I'll give anyone a fiver

843. if they can find the word "Vauxhall" written anywhere on it.

844. But before I give it a completely clean bill of health,

845. one more test. Pray silence for The Stig.

846. So, off the line. 200 horsepower and a feather-light body on a dry track.

847. This should be fast!

848. It's Dusty Stig-field!

849. This car was designed by Lotus and so was our track,

850. so it should be brilliant here,

851. as he goes through Chicago...

852. Ooh, that's very tidy!

853. Now, coming up to Hammerhead,

854. this can catch out mid-engine cars

855. but the VX has absolutely no problem at all!

856. In the first sector, this car was level-pegging with the BMW M3,

857. but can it beat the BM to the finish?

858. Up to Gambon, come on, Stig!

859. Bit of a slide and he's crossed the line in

860. 1:31.3.

861. That is... That's quicker than an M3!

862. That is an amazingly good car. Really is.

863. Now, we've got one minute left

864. and James May has got to use that time

865. to get that caravan past the speed record.

866. Right, I've been looking at the Guinness Book of Records.

867. It doesn't actually say that I have to use a car to tow the caravan.

868. Uh, so instead I've decided to rely on the most powerful engine in the universe,

869. gravity.

870. Do you know something, who'd like to see that again?

871. Yes! - Oh, yeah.

872. Oh! Ooh.

873. Oh, look at that!

874. I'm not sure that was faster than 125 miles an hour, but I don't care!

875. Absolutely don't care.

876. And on that flimsy, fibreglass bomb,

877. it's time to end the show. See you next week!

878. Bye!