Top Gear 2x5

1. Tonight, a man-sized blast from the past.

2. - Renault puts a V6 rocket in your pocket. - (TYRES SQUEAL)

3. And which takes longer to change,

4. a gearbox or a woman's outfit?

5. Hello. Now, the show tonight is mostly about blokishness.

6. You know the sort of thing,

7. we won't ask directions, we won't read instruction manuals.

8. We have a sound recordist, okay?

9. Rolled up on a shoot the other day, front of his car all stoved in.

10. Said he'd been on the M6 in a queue of slow-moving traffic

11. and he was a bit bored, so he wondered

12. would it be possible to drive with your legs crossed?

13. Now, no woman would ever do that.

14. And it's much the same story with understeer and oversteer.

15. I've never had a letter from a girl saying what's the difference.

16. But we've had loads of letters from blokes asking.

17. So, over now to Richard Hammond in the science corner.

18. Thank you, Jeremy. Now, this is really quite simple. Okay?

19. Understeer works like this.

20. You drive down the road, you turn the wheel, but the car goes straight on,

21. crashes into a tree, and you die.

22. Oversteer works like this.

23. You drive down the same bit of road, turn the wheel,

24. but the back of the car comes round like this,

25. and you go off the road, crash into a tree, and you die.

26. Now, oversteer is best, because you don't see the tree that kills you.

27. I understand that.

28. Now as a general rule,

29. front-wheel-drive cars understeer,

30. and rear-wheel-drive cars oversteer.

31. But there's always been one car

32. where you never knew what it was going to do.

33. The Porsche 911.

34. See, unlike a Ferrari,

35. the engine is not in the middle, it's right here in the back.

36. That upsets the balance.

37. It's like a horse, or as Porsche would call it, a horse-a pushing a cart.

38. You know why it was called a 911, don't you?

39. So the Americans would know what to dial when they crashed.

40. And they would crash. It's a very scary car.

41. And the scariest model of them all

42. is the Turbo.

43. A woman would have moved the engine,

44. but because Porsche's run by men,

45. they've spent the last 40 years

46. stubbornly trying to engineer their way around the problem.

47. To be honest, they've cracked it.

48. The modern-day Turbo, like this one, has four-wheel drive,

49. and perhaps the most sorted chassis of any road car.

50. And because the engine is still at the back,

51. pressing down like a big, heavy lump on the rear wheels,

52. you get tons and tons of grip, and tons and tons of traction.

53. I said a couple of years ago that a 911 Turbo is better than a Ferrari 355,

54. and I'll stand by that. It's wonderful.

55. Amazing car. Now, completely sorted.

56. Hang on. - What? What?

57. - That's not the end. No, that's not... - Yes, we've seen enough.

58. - We've seen enough. - I'm absolutely confident...

59. Who would like to see what happens next in that film?

60. Yes!

61. Roll it.

62. - So, you spun it, then? - I spun it slightly.

63. What do you mean, "slightly"? How can you slightly spin?

64. That's like saying, "I slightly fell off a ladder this morning."

65. The... The problem is, is that when you're driving a Ferrari or a Lamborghini,

66. they constantly say to you,

67. "I'm gonna kill you, I'm gonna stick a knife in your heart,

68. "I'm gonna turn it around." Whereas the 911, okay,

69. the Turbo, it's saying, "It's okay."

70. Lulls you into this false sense of security.

71. You think it's an ordinary car.

72. It's like a circus lion. That's the best way to look at it.

73. You go, "Oh, look at that, it's jumping through hoops, isn't it docile."

74. It's still a lion!

75. It's still a 420 horsepower supercar!

76. You have got to be a superhuman driver

77. to get the best out of one of these, and I'm not one.

78. And neither are you, but luckily,

79. I know a man who is.

80. So, off the line, and even with massive traction the Porsche spins its wheels.

81. It really is wet out there.

82. Will the Hammerhead defeat the Porsche's huge grip?

83. Yes, he's a bit sideways. In the dry, in this car, there would be

84. a chance of beating the mighty Zonda,

85. but the rain's doing it no favours at all.

86. Ooh! Squirmy underbraking there.

87. Now, through the first sector, he's already a massive

88. five seconds down on the Zonda's time.

89. He'll struggle to make that up in the second half.

90. Into the Follow Through, just a dab of brakes...

91. Now, he's coming down to the penultimate. The Zonda lapped him 1:23 in the last series.

92. The Porsche will never match that in this weather.

93. How close can he get through Gambon, and across the line in...

94. One minute, 31 dead.

95. So, where does that go? Let's have a look. 31 is...

96. - Here. - There, above the M3.

97. Now, if you take four seconds off, which is

98. basically what happens if you want to get a dry time, that's 1:27.

99. - That's faster than the Murcielago. - Yeah.

100. That is a great car, if you know what you're doing.

101. And now there's a version for those who don't.

102. This is the diet 911 Turbo.

103. The one-cal, low-fat version they call the C4S.

104. It looks pretty much the same as a Turbo, with the flared wheel arches and the spoilers.

105. And it has exactly the same grippy chassis,

106. the same four-wheel-drive system, the same brakes

107. and the same sports suspension.

108. It even has the same flat six 3.6 litre engine as the Turbo.

109. Except there's no turbo.

110. This, then, is an ordinary 911.

111. A plain and simple Carrera 4

112. in a He-Man suit.

113. You know what this is, don't you?

114. It's the Porsche neo-Georgian house.

115. All the looks, but without the 18th-century killer plumbing.

116. And it's fine.

117. If you like that sort of thing.

118. (LAUGHS) It's interesting.

119. The engine sounds at its best when you're going 14 miles an hour. Town speed.

120. Posing speeds, when people are looking.

121. As soon as you get out in the countryside,

122. build up a bit speed, it all settles down again.

123. By losing the turbo, the brake horsepower figure falls from 420 to 320.

124. 320's still a lot, though.

125. So, it's still a fast car, 0 to 60 in 5.1 seconds.

126. A top speed of 174.

127. It's not scary fast, though.

128. It's not like going to the pub with a murderer.

129. You're not thinking, "This is fun, but soon I will be dead."

130. There's another advantage, too.

131. The Turbo costs 88,000, and this is 63,000.

132. That's a saving of £25,000.

133. But...

134. I don't know. I mean, yes, it's a wonderful car,

135. be in no doubt, and it's a Porsche.

136. So, you can do 100,000 miles and it will never go wrong,

137. use it in the snow, and the wind and the drizzle.

138. I do respect its abilities.

139. But you can have all those abilities

140. in a Carrera 4 for £60,000.

141. Why pay more for a fake?

142. Earlier on in the series, we launched a search for Britain's biggest car bore.

143. And we received literally quite a few letters, some of which were very good.

144. But one of them was simply outstanding.

145. This is Robert Lynn.

146. This is his Sierra, on his drive, and this is his house.

147. It's all pretty standard stuff.

148. Then there's a living room in here, kitchen, usual sort of stuff.

149. Uh, cupboards. Bread bin.

150. That's odd.

151. Microwave.

152. Car. As, uh, as you do.

153. So, Robert, um, I've got to ask.

154. - Yeah. - Why is it in the kitchen?

155. Well, I started to design it there.

156. I sketched it out on a piece of cardboard on the floor.

157. Then the metal got laid on that.

158. A few bits got welded up, and one thing led to another.

159. And there it is. Well, what is it, though?

160. It's to be used for drag racing sprints and hill climbs,

161. and we're actually gonna do some speed records with this, as well.

162. - That's a pretty serious piece of kit. - Yes, yes, yeah.

163. - It's not like a kit car. - No.

164. - Does it work? - Yes, yes. Do you want me to show you?

165. Yeah, cool.

166. There's a degree of fire hazard to this.

167. I've got a fire extinguisher here. - Cool.

168. Do you want to take the safety wedge out?

169. - There's a yellow wedge... - Oh, it's here.

170. Right. Okay.

171. - Yeah, that's just squeezing going on. - (CLEARS THROAT)

172. - Oh, you're gonna blow that through? - Yep.

173. Right, I'll put the... I'll hold the...

174. - I'll stand over here. - (BLOWS)

175. How often do you fire it up?

176. Not that often, because of the, um...

177. Potential for something peculiar.

178. Peculiar?

179. Right. Yeah.

180. Still, I've got the safety wedge out.

181. - So, we're all right here. - Yeah.

182. If it does catch fire, just aim it and spray it at the carburettor.

183. This thing's full of water, as well.

184. - This thing there... - You have a kettle full of water there?

185. Yeah. Yeah.

186. That's fantastic!

187. It blew this piece of the skirting board off there! Look.

188. The exhaust against there blew the skirting board off the wall.

189. It's running a bit rich.

190. Quite close to your fire there, as well.

191. Yes, I've turned the gas off at the mains, I did that first.

192. Yeah, that'd be best.

193. Thing is, it doesn't end there.

194. This is a kitchen, and this is a kitchen door, and this is a car.

195. Kitchen door, car.

196. You can see where this is going, can't you?

197. He can't get it out of the kitchen.

198. I mean, really, won't go through the door.

199. So, is he going to take the car apart?

200. No.

201. That was perfect, that was.

202. You must have known it wasn't going to come out.

203. Well, when you've gone past a certain stage,

204. it just sort of gets its own momentum, doesn't it, sort of thing.

205. There's always distractions, and you'd go in, work in the back room as a hobby.

206. Just to take your mind off other things at work, you know?

207. And you just, after a few years of doing it...

208. - So, it sat out like a jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen floor. - Yeah.

209. - Same sort of thing. But bigger. - Yeah. Yeah.

210. What was it like working in there, though?

211. It's pretty good working conditions, really. It's ideal.

212. It's as warm and dry as the house, 'cause it is the house, so,

213. brilliant.

214. Um, I wonder if someone could stand on the ramp there?

215. Is there any danger?

216. Uh, no.

217. - Excellent. - Is there any danger?

218. Okay.

219. And so there it is.

220. Free at last, and ready to go racing.

221. So, let's just get one thing straight.

222. Did he know when he started to build the car that it would never come out of the kitchen?

223. No, not when he started.

224. That's the point. He got partway through,

225. and then presumably late at night, spannering away, he was looking up,

226. and he said this, he realised it wasn't going to go out,

227. but he carried on. I dunno. It was warm in there to work, and he liked it.

228. I presume there's no wife involved in this?

229. No, well... There was, but unlike the car,

230. the wife did fit through the door quite nicely.

231. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) - Fairly early on.

232. Okay, well, now, listen, if you know someone who is more...

233. Mental?

234. Well, committed, shall we say, to the world of cars,

235. write to us, please, at, uh...

236. What should we call it, this week? I know.

237. Uh, now.

238. Since this programme tonight is mostly about blokes,

239. we thought we'd have a guest who wasn't one.

240. She is in fact the second richest ginger-haired Liverpudlian woman in Britain.

241. Ladies and gentlemen, Anne Robinson!

242. Hi, Anne, how are you?

243. - Are you well? Have a seat. - I will.

244. I, uh...

245. I hope the same person who worked out my wealth

246. hasn't done the lap timings.

247. Well, why? Are you claiming that Cilla is...

248. I'm just saying, I hope the person who worked out

249. - that I was, uh, second... - Behind her?

250. - Well, she has just bought a Ferrari, you know? - (LAUGHS)

251. Mind you, it wouldn't go with her hair.

252. That's what I mean, red hair and...

253. I mean, orange hair and a red car.

254. I'd never buy a red car.

255. - No, not you! - Don't you think?

256. Actually, anyone who's ever owned a red Ferrari is a plonker?

257. Do you know, I don't, actually.

258. - I, no... - You wouldn't dream of it, would you?

259. - I wouldn't dream of such a thing. - No.

260. Now, if you're so rich

261. as you claim to be,

262. why do you have such a crummy car?

263. - Do I have a crummy car? - You have a Mercedes SL.

264. - 500. - No. No.

265. - I'm sorry. - Jeremy, Jeremy, I'm sorry,

266. that is Penrose's.

267. - Your husband? Yeah. - Yes.

268. And if you're going to get into one of these

269. conversations 'cause you've got...

270. The superior model.

271. - Yes, so what you're saying... - The better model.

272. So what you're saying is, our car has a smaller penis than your car.

273. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) - Yeah.

274. - Tell me this... - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

275. Yeah?

276. To be fair, don't you find the really joyful thing

277. about both the cars is that...

278. You know when you're stuck in a traffic jam?

279. - Mmm-hmm. - Isn't it great fun to watch the telly?

280. I haven't had the television put in.

281. - Oh, you don't have a television in yours! - No.

282. But mine's so fast, I can get home in time to watch the programme.

283. You bought the wrong car.

284. - Sorry. - I didn't buy it.

285. Well, your husband's bought... Is he here?

286. - Yes. He is. - Where is he?

287. Penrose!

288. Loitering in the back. There he is.

289. You've bought the wrong car!

290. What do you think when blokes are blokish about cars?

291. I can't understand. It's like women discussing their nail polish. Isn't it?

292. I mean, it doesn't matter. You just get in a car and you drive it!

293. - No. - That's all there is to be said.

294. - Watch TV in your car. - Yeah.

295. So, I mean, for instance, these books here that we've got.

296. Road Vehicle Aerodynamic Design, by RH Barnard.

297. I'm presuming that's not Rebecca Barnard, is it?

298. And this one, as well. This is from my library. This is my favourite book.

299. How To Rebuild Big-Block Chevy Engines.

300. This presumably isn't the sort of thing that you'd have in your house.

301. No, no. I tell you, if Penrose... Penrose has to cover

302. what I call Penrose porn, which is the car magazines.

303. - "Penrose porn." - (CHUCKLES)

304. And if he brought home Big-Block Chevy Engines,

305. I'd have to readjust his medication, because he... (LAUGHS)

306. - What, his Chateauneuf du Pape? - Yes, yes.

307. Let's test out your blokiness.

308. - Okay. - Do you ever ask for directions?

309. Oh, we've got sat nav now. But I would. Yes.

310. - You do ask for directions? - Yes.

311. Now, you see... Have we got any men here at all today? One or two, I suppose.

312. - Has any man here ever asked for directions? - No, that's a silly question.

313. No. No, never.

314. - Why do you think we don't? - Never.

315. I think, you can't bear to let us think...

316. See, what Penrose does is,

317. he keeps pretending he knows where we're going.

318. - Mmm. Yeah. - That's what it is.

319. And also the other thing is, when you've got the map on your knee,

320. and you're very carefully telling him where to go,

321. you look up, and he's just made a decision. He's never seen the map.

322. Just out of nowhere.

323. - Yes, I have. - And even, can I tell you, it gets worse,

324. because we've now got sat nav in most of our cars.

325. - And... - (CHUCKLES)

326. That the, um...

327. - Was that a silly thing to say? Probably. - No, I love that.

328. - "In most of our cars." - (LAUGHS)

329. Anyway, you know we call her Audrey Hepburn?

330. - Who? Oh, the woman in the... - The sat nav.

331. - Yeah. - We were in Dijon last week,

332. and the sat nav... We'd never been to Dijon before,

333. so Penrose cannot possibly know anything about Dijon!

334. And we get to a roundabout,

335. and it says, "Take the second..."

336. She says, "Take the second turning on the left."

337. And he says, "It's the first one."

338. - (ALL LAUGHING) - That is like...

339. 'Cause there are a number of these statistics that one comes across.

340. The difference between men and women on the road.

341. Now, apparently, I have one here.

342. "Men are distracted by a girl on a pavement 42 times a week."

343. "Girls are only distracted 17 times."

344. Yes, but there's all the times the girls are looking at shoe shops,

345. - that hasn't been taken in. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

346. 28% of men say they've had sex in a car, but only 20% of women.

347. Men think a car is four times more important than women

348. for pulling, basically attracting a member of the opposite sex.

349. - Is that resonant with you? - No.

350. - You never... - It's actually what guys never get the hang of.

351. (STAMMERING) I mean, what guys should do

352. is go... If they want to pull,

353. they need to go out with a guy who is very talkative,

354. very showy, very flash, and say nothing.

355. That's the best way to pull a girl.

356. That would explain everything for all my friends.

357. So, so, actually...

358. So, actually,

359. the car should be very understated.

360. - Really? Yeah. Dirty... - Can we show you...

361. Understated, preferably with a dog in the back.

362. - That's an attractive proposition? - Yes. Very, very attractive.

363. We've got some cars parked outside. We'd like you to have a look at it,

364. and tell us whether you think... Is this an attractive sight?

365. Good-looking guy... - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

366. That's a guy without a girlfriend, isn't it?

367. Well, yes. I would actually agree with you on that. I mean...

368. - So, you're not a fan of that sort of thing? - No.

369. - The Evo 8. Is it... - Not if they're over 18.

370. Let's have a look at the next one, then.

371. That won't do, then, chaps. If you've got an Evo 8, you're not gonna... A-ha!

372. I quite like that. That's an Audi 4 Quattro, isn't it? Coupe.

373. - TT. "Titty," as I like to call it. - Well, don't be picky with me!

374. No, fair... I'm just giving you the real names.

375. No, I do actually quite like, um... I quite like that.

376. - I think that's quite cool. - Now, that's odd, because on our cool wall,

377. we've got it as not even remotely cool.

378. No, but I know what I'm talking about.

379. I'll be sure to move it, uh, later on.

380. Um, okay, next. Oh, now, there we are.

381. - Now, that's a Mazda MX5. - It is. Isn't it?

382. It's his sister's, I bet.

383. - A bit of a girly car, that, we think. - I think, not a bit of.

384. Completely, utterly...

385. Girly car.

386. Not even a hairdresser's car, it's the receptionist of the hairdresser's car!

387. Have we got any more cars?

388. Yes, there we go. Look now. That's a Jeep Wrangler.

389. - Attractive? Would you find... - It's okay.

390. It's a good run around in the country, isn't it?

391. - Uh, no, actually. - Isn't it?

392. No, that's shocking.

393. - Appalling things. Plus... No good in the snow or anything?

394. Well, it's better than cycling,

395. - but, you know. - Yeah.

396. Now, um...

397. - Obviously, you're not just here to discuss all this. - No.

398. - You're here to see how fast... - (LAUGHS)

399. You can drive our reasonably priced car round the track.

400. Um, how do you think you did?

401. I mean, down here at the bottom we've got Harry Enfield,

402. up at the top we've got Jay Kay.

403. I'd... I'd be terribly pleased if I beat Boris.

404. - Boris Johnson, at one minute 56. - Yeah.

405. - Shall we find out? Yeah!

406. Let's have a look.

407. Now, that's a racing start.

408. I've got to be faster than Harry. I've done that again.

409. - Stayed in first. - (BOTH LAUGHING)

410. Not that you're a determined person.

411. And I've got to put my foot down.

412. Over, over, over, over, over, over, over, over, over.

413. - Over what? - Well, just what he told me.

414. A bit too tight, I would suggest, but...

415. - Who'd like to know how fast that was? - I would like to.

416. Yes! - More than anybody, you would.

417. And this is the great thing,

418. is that most people come and you think they're not gonna care,

419. they're all big celebs, but actually can see it in their faces.

420. You did it, and you wanted to beat...

421. - Boris. Yeah. - Well, Boris at 1:56?

422. You did it in one minute, 57 seconds.

423. - Oh! - (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

424. Just!

425. I didn't beat Boris.

426. - I'm really down the bottom. - You were only a second off Boris's time.

427. Yeah, but Michael Gambon?

428. - Michael Gambon's a lunatic. He's an absolute maniac! - Tara Palmer, whatever...

429. He's the fastest, maddest driver I've seen in my life.

430. - He's 124... - I want to go round again now.

431. You're welcome to go out there again.

432. - Have another bash again... - Jamie Oliver?

433. - I know. - I've done so badly!

434. - You haven't done badly. - I have! I'm third bottom.

435. Well, that's 'cause... We've been doing the series for only about,

436. how many is this? 15 weeks.

437. - We've had all the people... - Don't you try and placate me.

438. - I've done really badly. - These are people who are...

439. - Ross Kemp, for goodness' sake. - Ross Kemp...

440. Oh. I'll never live this down.

441. I can't go back to Gloucestershire.

442. Why, Ross Kemp's not in Gloucestershire.

443. I promise he'll be down in the East End, beating a few geezers up.

444. I see people still laugh at him for doing what he thinks is so badly.

445. He only wants to come back.

446. But these, like Gordon Ramsay, are mad, keen car petrolheads!

447. Right.

448. So I think that was a very good time,

449. - and I think you have been huge sport. - Why are you being nice to me?

450. Because you're a lovely lady and I adore you.

451. But I'd like to thank you very much for coming.

452. Ladies and gentlemen, Annie Robinson.

453. You sit down, I've got a quick thing to do.

454. Right. The news.

455. And uh, we're feeling a bit remiss this week.

456. Because we like to think on Top Gear we're across what's happening

457. in the world of cars, and then out of the blue,

458. Ford wrote to us and said,

459. "We're introducing the new Mondeo." We didn't know it was coming.

460. - Who'd like to see it? - Yeah.

461. Okay. Here it is.

462. - That's the old one there. - No, that's the new Mondeo.

463. They say it's got 1,500 new parts.

464. Yes, presumably, but they're all exactly the same shape

465. as the old parts. So it looks exactly the same.

466. - It's got a new radio. Hasn't it? - It has got a new radio.

467. There's hundreds of bits in there.

468. There's 1,500 parts in a radio. That's exactly what it is.

469. The only thing that probably is worth mentioning

470. is that you can now have it with a direct petrol injection engine.

471. Sounds catastrophically boring, I know.

472. But the fact of the matter is, is that at low speeds, town speeds and what have you,

473. it uses much less petrol than a normal petrol engine.

474. And the great... Stay awake. The best thing is,

475. you don't have to buy a diesel.

476. I know it's not the most interesting car...

477. - No... - ..in that range, but I still think the Mondeo,

478. if you compare it to the rest of that class,

479. Mazda 6's of this world and whatever,

480. - it's still a really good car. - It is a very, very good car.

481. Not interesting.

482. It's not very interesting.

483. No, it is a good car. No, honestly, I really do like the Mondeo.

484. I mean, I think I'd probably buy a Renault Laguna

485. if I were after that kind of mid-range, four-door saloon. You?

486. Yeah, I'd probably have a Honda Accord.

487. But you'd have a Mondeo?

488. Yeah, definitely. But I'll tell you what you could have,

489. if you want a free car,

490. this is good news for all of us.

491. "If you want a free Vectra..." Sorry, Jeremy.

492. - Well, it would need to be. - Yes.

493. Uh, "Vauxhall are doing..."

494. I've got this right, I've read it several times over.

495. If you ring a telephone number,

496. Vauxhall will deliver to you,

497. to your house, a Vectra.

498. Drop it off,

499. you can drive around in it,

500. and 48 hours later they'll take it away.

501. You don't have to buy it?

502. No, you don't buy it, this is to get people test driving the Vectra,

503. so you telephone a number,

504. they drop the car off, and you... That... That's brilliant!

505. So if you just want to go and see granny or a girlfriend

506. in Manchester and it's a 60 quid rail fare,

507. you can just ring them up, they drop a car at your house,

508. drive it up there and back.

509. What if you wanna do a bank job?

510. That's a better idea, isn't it?

511. Or if you're just a broke student going on a rave with your mates.

512. No, seriously, I wonder how many they've got.

513. Well, I don't know. Because presumably this is...

514. This is the launch of their campaign, it's quite an important moment.

515. Somebody spent an awful lot of time planning this and working on it.

516. The worst thing we could do is give out the number, which is 084 5677 5775.

517. Three and a half million people watching this!

518. - Let's do it. - If everybody rang tomorrow...

519. It's a free car for 48 hours!

520. See the Luton Telephone Exchange... Poof!

521. That's 084 5677 5775.

522. You get a free car for 48 hours!

523. That's brilliant value. Do it.

524. What have you got, James?

525. I've got something quite interesting from Volvo.

526. Now, those big four-by-four lifestyle things,

527. - the BMW X5, that's about 50 grand. - Yeah.

528. - Range Rover, 50-51 grand. - Yeah. Yeah.

529. - That VW Touareg thing you were driving the other week... - Fifty grand for the V10.

530. Fifty grand, yeah?

531. The Volvo XC90, the same sort of thing, you would agree?

532. - £28,000. - I know.

533. Sounds like a bargain.

534. It is a bargain. It is a bargain.

535. Until you get some extras fitted.

536. They've come up with two rear televisions, two screens, in truth,

537. and a DVD player.

538. - Yeah. - You've been to Dixons, you men of the world,

539. how much does it cost?

540. Well, screens are about, what, 150 quid.

541. - A hundred and fifty quid a telly. - That's 300.

542. - DVD player, what are they now? - Hundred?

543. Nah, about 75 quid, I saw one for the other day.

544. 375, you've got to fit it.

545. - Four hundred quid. - Four hundred quid.

546. - £2,500. - Ooh-yah! That's a lot!

547. Now that takes us up to £30,500.

548. So you've got another £19,500 to make up on extras before they get their money.

549. But I... I think that's what it is, though, James. I think you're right.

550. I think they've realised, um, 28, now, that's a bit cheap.

551. It's not enough,

552. they're trying to make it up

553. on the options. So mudflaps would be 1,500, I reckon, at least. Each.

554. Yeah, a number plate? Ooh. Surprisingly expensive, sir.

555. - They're gonna try and keep adding that up. - You want a tank of petrol?

556. That's a million.

557. And here's one for you.

558. News about a new system to help protect car drivers from road rage attack, okay?

559. It's a personal attack warning system that you fit to your car,

560. and it's a button. And if you hit this button, it activates a 120-decibel siren,

561. so people are gonna notice you've done this.

562. Causes the hazard lights to flash on and off,

563. and it's periodically interrupted with a loud voice message sounding,

564. "Help! Driver under attack, call the police."

565. But what's... What interests me is...

566. - What car's this for? - Well, this... This is what interests me.

567. It's Honda. And if any car

568. is gonna cause it, it's the old biffers driving around in Hondas

569. that generate road rage in the first place.

570. What it should say is, "Driver in a Honda!"

571. Stay away!

572. But they also go on to give us some top tips for avoiding road rage.

573. - One, don't buy a Honda. - Good start.

574. Another one will be, don't drive so damn slowly!

575. Let's have a look. I wanna see these.

576. These are top tips from Honda on how to avoid road rage, okay?

577. Um...

578. "Acknowledge your mistake if you made one with a wave, or say sorry."

579. - I wave a lot in the car. - I wave.

580. I make lots of hand signals at people in Hondas.

581. I'm twice as cross as you are.

582. "Don't lose your temper."

583. It says here as well, "Do not rise to any challenges while you are driving."

584. What, like a duel?

585. - Or maybe... - (ALL LAUGHING)

586. - En garde! - "That's it, sir,

587. "your driving has angered me, I demand satisfaction!"

588. I can't see that happening.

589. Well, I've got something quite interesting.

590. I've been looking at cars with folding metal roofs, an idea that, sort of,

591. Mercedes started off and Ford, hundreds of years before that.

592. This is the first one, this is the Peugeot 307 Coupe Cabrio.

593. Now, look at this, metal folding roof, it's quite fantastic.

594. I've seen this thing. It's very, very pretty.

595. I'm not sure when it's going on sale

596. and I don't know how much it's gonna be.

597. And the other one is the Renault Megane Coupe Cabrio,

598. which not only has

599. a folding metal roof, but the middle bit of the roof is glass.

600. But the one that really interests me is this.

601. This is the Daihatsu Copen. It's a tiny, little Japanese thing,

602. 600cc engine, it's gonna cost about £12,000.

603. But even this, apparently, has a metal folding roof. I don't quite believe it, so

604. can we fold the roof, please, Sarah?

605. - It's noisy. - It is, isn't it?

606. You see, this is just another example of the Japanese

607. taking a European idea or American idea

608. and then making it smaller.

609. But all those hours spent on origami weren't wasted, were they?

610. Now, a couple of weeks ago, we had that Ford StreetKa on this programme, yes?

611. And you two, if I remember rightly, said that couldn't be driven by a bloke.

612. - You said that was a girl's car. - Right, couldn't be, could it?

613. There aren't any men in here to ask, I'm sure, about that, anyway.

614. I'm gonna do... I'm gonna do a little experiment with this car.

615. Now, we've got Sarah in the car, and she looks

616. unutterably gorgeous,

617. because she's a girl.

618. I'm gonna have to ask you to get out, I'm afraid. Sorry about that.

619. And, um, I want a bloke. I want a good-looking bloke.

620. You, sir, because we need to give this car a chance.

621. I want you to get in there and see what this does for your manhood.

622. It's not looking promising.

623. - Oh, my Lord! - What do you reckon?

624. He was fine

625. until the door slammed, and now he looks like a berk.

626. - An idiot, definitely. - Not good.

627. In fact, I don't think any bloke could drive that.

628. And I think it's all of these little, folding tin-top convertibles.

629. You know the 206CC? The Peugeot?

630. - The baby sister of that 306 that we saw. - I know. I know.

631. You know, I actually sometimes think blokes can't have convertibles.

632. - I mean, I've got one. - Any?

633. No, no, I've got one. I came out of a meeting in London the other day,

634. it was a beautiful, sunny day and I thought, "Get the roof down."

635. And then I thought, "I can't.

636. "I'm a middle-aged man with a bit of a paunch, I can't drive across London...

637. "What message am I giving out?"

638. - You can't have a convertible when you're a bloke. - I think you're right.

639. I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to stop you there. I hate to interrupt,

640. but this is quite honestly

641. the biggest load of limp-wristed twaddle

642. I've ever heard in all my five weeks in television.

643. These two...

644. These two are not men, okay?

645. This one, Richard Hammond, every morning sticks his head in a bucket of hair product.

646. - (ALL LAUGHING) - Right, he's got a dog, but it's a poodle.

647. And I don't know what you're laughing about, Clarkson,

648. because you won't drink brown beer.

649. And this is the man that says, "Flatulence, ew, it's not funny."

650. When, clearly, it is, isn't it?

651. I'm actually the only proper bloke on this programme, okay?

652. I live in a tumbledown house full of old motorbikes.

653. And I think

654. a bloke can drive a convertible, but

655. has to be the right one.

656. Look at this weather!

657. Actually,

658. it's a perfect day

659. for a British sports car,

660. and I've been waiting 30 years for this moment.

661. Triumph TR6! At last!

662. It's fantastic!

663. When I was a boy and other boys were lying awake

664. wondering how girls worked,

665. I was lying awake thinking about the Triumph TR6.

666. What's wrong with that?

667. I think this is the blokiest bloke's car ever built.

668. I've seen women driving Ferraris and Aston Martins and MGBs and Porsche 911s

669. and just about any sports car you care to mention, in fact.

670. But I have never, ever seen a woman driving a TR6.

671. I'm afraid the TR6 is rather gender specific.

672. And I expect women are angry about that, as well.

673. But let me explain.

674. Before the TR6, Triumph sports cars have always looked

675. a little bit feminine.

676. They had soft, bosomy curves and hips.

677. But this one was different.

678. There was a good reason for that.

679. Prior to this, Triumphs were designed by an Italian bloke

680. called Michelotti.

681. But when it was time to do the TR6, he was too busy.

682. So they gave the job to some Germans.

683. The German word for nipple is Brustwarze,

684. breast wart.

685. Here, I feel, is a nation that may be relied upon to produce a man's car.

686. What a square head. Look at it.

687. Blunt at both ends, thickset.

688. I reckon if this car went to the lavatory, it would leave the seat up.

689. Look at the engine.

690. There aren't any poncy, colour-coded filler caps

691. to stop me putting oil in the radiator.

692. It's just a naked straight six.

693. A proper British sports car engine

694. made so that blokes can own tool kits.

695. There isn't an ounce of womanhood anywhere on this thing,

696. except the wheels. Look at this.

697. It looks like the drum of a front-loading washing machine, apparently.

698. Good job they didn't give it to a Frenchman, eh? We'd all have handbags by now.

699. Well, we'll have no handbaggery here, thank you.

700. You can't mince around with this like you do in a small hatchback.

701. Once you get behind the wheel of a TR6,

702. you realise that we chaps have been horribly misled.

703. Look at this lot. Driving executive saloons from A to B.

704. Is this what we want?

705. Suddenly, I can see modern manhood for what it is.

706. I can't believe it's taken me so long to work this out.

707. Come on, chaps, throw away your male-grooming products,

708. and get out of the post-feminist society. You're a man.

709. This is what you want.

710. What a road!

711. What a car!

712. What a day!

713. Oh, God, have I left the iron on?

714. - Now, the day after I drove this... - Yeah.

715. I did what any normal man would do.

716. I went home, bought a copy of Auto Trader,

717. locked myself in the smallest room for about three hours,

718. and tried to find one for sale.

719. Ooh, best game in the world.

720. You've got a subscription.

721. Yeah. Did you give yourself a budget?

722. - Yeah. - You have to give yourself an imaginary budget.

723. - "Right, I've got 10,000." - Rather too small, as it turned out.

724. - But we'll come on to that. - Really? Why? How much?

725. Well, a good one, I thought, you know, five or six grand.

726. Actually five or six grand is the starting price for a half-decent one.

727. If you want a really good one, you're looking at 10 or even 11.

728. For one like this, which is completely mint,

729. - who knows. - Yeah, but it's bloke-tastic,

730. and that's second-hand Mazda MX5 money, and I think that's got a lot of style.

731. All right, then, what else you got this week?

732. Now, if you went to a BMW showroom,

733. what do you think the chances are that you could pick up a good deal

734. - on a 3 series? - Uh, none at all.

735. None at all. Exactly right.

736. Now, Jaguar, on the other hand, this is quite interesting,

737. they have the X-Type, which is the small Jaguar 3 series' rival.

738. Now Jaguar have sort of rather overdone it with the X-Type.

739. They got a new factory to build it, they doubled their capacity

740. and they're just piling up.

741. In fact, they've even had to shut the factory down

742. for a couple of weeks,

743. there are so many X-types out there.

744. So, deals. Now, the one I found was the 2.5 S.

745. This has got the good suspension and it's with a manual gearbox,

746. which we like in that car. The list price is

747. 22,200.

748. - Is this a four-wheel or a two-wheel drive? - It's a four-wheel drive.

749. - It's not that little cheap engine. - First of the four-wheels.

750. Yes, this is the four-wheel drive one.

751. That's 22,200 list price, found it in a car supermarket for 18,799.

752. But I'm also very, very confident

753. that if you went in there all guns blazing,

754. you could probably get that for close to 18.

755. - So you're saving about, what, four grand? - Four grand, I'd say.

756. - Four grand. - And that's about Mondeo money.

757. - For just 2,000 cheaper. - I mean, it's the same car.

758. - It's the same car? - Well, underneath, it is the same car,

759. but this is now £2,000 cheaper than the top Mondeo, the Ghia X,

760. but it's got a Jaguar badge.

761. That's a very good buy.

762. Now, let's talk about a sports car.

763. The Vauxhall VX220.

764. Now, there's a new turbo version of this out,

765. and there are a few deals on that. I've seen, sort of, £1,000 off,

766. but I'm not so interested in that. I want to talk about the original

767. 2.216-valve model.

768. - Still a good car. - Fantastic car.

769. What you probably don't know is this is actually built for Vauxhall by Lotus.

770. They got a contract to do it.

771. When Vauxhall set that contract up,

772. they sort of overestimated what the demand for this car would be.

773. But Lotus isn't gonna stop building them because they've got a contract,

774. and that's how they make a living, frankly.

775. So Vauxhall have gotta sell them more quickly.

776. So there's an official deal on the 2.216-valve.

777. Pay the list price, £22,995,

778. and you will get all the options off the list for free.

779. So that's carpets, metallic paint, CD player, leather seats, everything...

780. - Good stuff. - It's good. It's 2,500 quid's worth of stuff,

781. but it doesn't include the removable hard top,

782. which is actually the thing that you really want.

783. But I did find a dealer who said, "Okay, I'll throw that in as well."

784. So we've now got, what,

785. £3,700 worth of options

786. for nothing.

787. Better still, I eventually shopped around and found a dealer, and he just said,

788. "I'll give you four and half grand off that car."

789. So that's £18,500 for the VX220, which isn't bad.

790. And to be honest,

791. I've got some carpet you can have

792. - in the loft. - You can have it free.

793. It's beige, but you can have it anyway.

794. No-cost option.

795. Time for some Top Gear science.

796. We wanted to find out, could a bunch of blokes... Well, the Ford rally team,

797. change most of the mechanical components on their car

798. in less time than it took a group of women to get ready for a night out.

799. So here we are at Ford's Rally HQ.

800. And this is what they're going to be changing on the rally car.

801. From the back, we've got the drive shafts, all the linkage,

802. the suspension, the struts, the springs, the dampers.

803. And we've got the hub assemblies, the brake discs.

804. Towards the front, we got the gearbox, the front differential,

805. the clutch, all the same stuff to hold the wheels on at the front.

806. In fact, pretty much everything that holds all the wheels on,

807. makes them go round and makes it stop.

808. These are the Pirelli girls.

809. Their mission is to get ready for a big night out.

810. There's just one important thing to make clear. This is not a race.

811. The guys are gonna do the work at the pace they would

812. properly under rally conditions,

813. and the girls are gonna do whatever they do at the speed they would ordinarily do it

814. before they go out.

815. And importantly, neither side knows how long the other side is likely to take.

816. So this is properly scientific.

817. And if everybody's ready, on you go, then.

818. Go!

819. Commence.

820. Look, look, that's the front.

821. - Nice. - Like that?

822. Look, these undo, and they tie up.

823. Oh, yeah, and you've got two side-y bits on there.

824. With five minutes gone,

825. the rally team have already removed the brake discs,

826. the callipers, suspension uprights, compression struts,

827. and front cross member.

828. And the girls... Well, they're not quite finished with that dress.

829. That's like an inch ruched.

830. - It's quite severely ruched. - There's not much gap there.

831. Well, I don't understand what it does.

832. And there's about an hour or so of deciding on the outfit,

833. and then there's a shoe consultation, obviously.

834. - Shoe? - I still don't know.

835. - Charlie, what do you think? - Go with Moni.

836. Um. (CLEARS THROAT)

837. Out comes the gearbox.

838. Boot, uh...

839. Boot.

840. And in goes the new gearbox.

841. I would... Yeah, boot.

842. The men work in a disciplined silence.

843. The girls don't.

844. This is it. This is very important.

845. If you're gonna get a taxi or not.

846. Taxi, this shoe is good.

847. Walking, this shoe is very bad.

848. They have been talking for seven and a half minutes

849. without a single fact or piece of information

850. being exchanged or imparted.

851. Fifteen minutes in now, the rally team have changed the clutch,

852. remounted the gearbox, replaced the drive shafts and the differentials

853. and they're hard at work refitting the brakes.

854. Meanwhile, back with the girls...

855. Can you put Natalie Imbruglia on there?

856. - Oh, yeah. - Okay.

857. Look at this. A place for everything and everything in its place.

858. Lovely.

859. - That's yours. - Where's mine gone, then?

860. Oh, mine's over there.

861. I've got make-up all over my hands.

862. - Whose is it? - That's yours.

863. - That's yours. - No, that's yours, Mon.

864. - That's not mine, then. - No, mine's in a crappy tumbler.

865. Twenty minutes in, and an eyelash goes on.

866. Twenty-seven minutes in, and the rally team has finished.

867. Remember, that's all of the suspension, all of the brakes,

868. the gearbox, the differentials and the clutch.

869. And as for the girls...

870. - That goes round... - That goes round...

871. - Like that. - Doesn't that bit hurt?

872. No. Well, I, you see, don't know.

873. Because I haven't actually worn them.

874. It's a bunny-headed kind of buckle.

875. What shop's that from?

876. So the rally team got the car changed in...

877. - Twenty-seven minutes. - Twenty-seven minutes.

878. And the women took?

879. Don't know. Got bored, we left.

880. To be honest, we packed up everything,

881. stuff in the van, off, still going, talking, things like that.

882. I don't think men and women should be allowed to go out with one another.

883. - I don't think it works. - Men should go out with men.

884. You're making me nervous!

885. Let's get back to what we know.

886. - Renault Clio. - Ah, yes.

887. The epitome of Euro chic.

888. Coco Chanel would drive one of these if she weren't dead.

889. It's cheap to run, it's cheap to buy, it's got a good safety record.

890. But now there's a new version of it

891. which is none of those things.

892. Oh, listen to that noise!

893. Oh, that's fantastic.

894. And then there's the styling.

895. Have you ever seen such an amazingly funky little car?

896. There's so much power.

897. And grip!

898. Grip's unbelievable.

899. Okay, let me show you.

900. Build it up to 4,000 rpm.

901. - Dump the clutch. - (ENGINE REVS)

902. No wheel spin at all. That's how much traction you've got.

903. Catapults you back into this world of G-force and noise.

904. Imagine watching the entire French Air Force crash into a fireworks factory.

905. That's how much of a laugh this car is.

906. So how on earth have they turned a frothy cappuccino

907. into a pint of super-strong espresso?

908. Well,

909. part of the secret is to be found under the bonnet.

910. See, in a normal Clio, this is where you'd expect to find the engine.

911. But in this, they've fitted a carry cot for your baby.

912. The problem is, you can't put your children on the back seats

913. because there aren't any.

914. All the space is taken up with the enormous 3-litre V6 engine.

915. So, what about the boot?

916. Well, I'm afraid that's only big enough

917. for a kipper.

918. If, therefore, you have some shopping,

919. what I suggest you do is, um,

920. throw it away.

921. This is such a bloke's car.

922. You start with a practical, sensible, family hatchback, then fill it full of engine.

923. And who cares that you have to put the baby under the bonnet?

924. There are one or two other drawbacks, as well, like, for instance,

925. the lever to adjust the backrest of this seat is down here.

926. You have to be a proctologist to reach it.

927. Which I'm not.

928. Oh, and it's the least manoeuvrable car on the road.

929. Oil tanker captains have been heard to say that their ships

930. have the turning circles of Clio V6's.

931. Life in this is a never-ending stream of three-point turns.

932. Then there's the equipment.

933. You get an airbag, air-conditioning and a cabin full of air.

934. It's not much, really, for £27,000.

935. However, this is as mid-engined as a supercar.

936. It sounds like a supercar.

937. It goes like a supercar.

938. So, on that basis, it becomes the bargain of the century.

939. It'll do 155 miles an hour

940. and out-accelerate the Porsche C4S that we looked at earlier.

941. I think it's fantastic.

942. But there is one more test that needs to be done.

943. You see, Renault has been putting big engines

944. in the back of little hatchbacks for years.

945. They did it with the 5 and they did it with the first Clio.

946. And both these cars had a reputation for being savage beyond the limit.

947. They just used to spin.

948. So to find out whether this one is any better,

949. I've got to go out there and drive round corners

950. much too quickly.

951. Time, therefore, to take one of my special brave pills.

952. (GULPING) Ah.

953. Right.

954. We know it's got high levels of grip,

955. but what happens when you exceed them?

956. Lord!

957. You get plenty of understeer

958. to sort of remind you that you're getting close to the limit.

959. But that's okay, I've had my brave pills! I shall push on.

960. Oh, dear!

961. I think the problem is that it's French.

962. It's a surrender monkey.

963. Oh! Here we go again!

964. Ah.

965. So you see, if you show it a difficult corner,

966. it just sort of gives in. Sits in a cloud of its own smoke

967. with its hands up.

968. (IN FRENCH ACCENT) "I don't want to go round this corner fast.

969. "I want to go home and make love and make cheese.

970. "That's what I like doing most of all, 'cause I'm French!"

971. That is just such a good-looking car.

972. I drove the original one of these in Monte Carlo,

973. and there were people stopping Ferraris, Lamborghinis, getting out

974. to look at this. And it's a Renault Clio. That's incredible.

975. They were probably wondering why you were taking 66 bites

976. at getting around the Loews Hairpin.

977. - Because of that turning circle. - 'Cause of the turning circle.

978. Kind of spoils the glamour.

979. There's one thing I wanna make plain, this handling thing beyond the limit.

980. Yes, you notice it on a track, it is tricky,

981. but on a road, it's got so much grip, you'll never notice it.

982. And I have to say,

983. in my perfect ten-car garage, and I think all men have got one of those...

984. - Yes, you've got one? - Do you wanna know?

985. No. Not now. But another day.

986. In my perfect ten-car garage I would definitely have one of these.

987. No question.

988. What impresses me

989. is the fact that you found that limit and you went beyond it.

990. - Mmm-hmm. - With your brave pill.

991. It survived. Now the old one, they didn't survive. I broke one.

992. I broke several.

993. Everybody I know that drove one broke one.

994. This survived, and that is impressive.

995. It more than just survived, actually, 'cause most of the cars that come to the track,

996. they do that mad sliding, smoky tyre stuff.

997. - They normally have to go home in a Hoover bag. - Yeah.

998. People just sweep them home rather than drive them.

999. Not a single thing went wrong with this. Didn't even wear its tyres out.

1000. Which is impressive.

1001. But before we give it the complete clean bill of health,

1002. there is one more test to do.

1003. Le Stig.

1004. This should be interesting.

1005. The Clio has so much grip,

1006. but the track today, well, frankly, it doesn't. It's soaking out there.

1007. Oh, no, the Stig's gone all mullet-y!

1008. Looking fast up to Chicago.

1009. Ooh, no, he's sliding!

1010. To get it back he'll have to be a genius, which, of course, he is.

1011. Now, the Hammerhead. Mid-engined Clio should hang on well round here.

1012. And it is doing... I wish it was dry. I'd love to see that thing in the dry.

1013. Ooh, now, that's looking very quick indeed. First sector, though!

1014. It's put it above the Aston Martin Vanquish!

1015. And that's got an extra 200bhp! Come on, Stiggy!

1016. Driving into the penultimate corner! Keeps it tidy!

1017. Gambon now. He's sideways, he's sideways! He's lost it!

1018. And, um,

1019. Richard is rather hoping it isn't a time up here.

1020. Are you taking the mickey with the new board?

1021. - What's that for? - Yes, it's the new tall board.

1022. - He did it in one minute, 36.2 seconds. - That's not bad.

1023. Not bad? It's exactly the same time and exactly the same conditions

1024. - as the Aston Martin Vanquish. - Then that's incredible.

1025. That is truly amazing, and the thing is, this is really good.

1026. The Stig said, "No, no, I can get it faster than that."

1027. Kept going out, over and over,

1028. "I can get it into the 35s. I know I can! I know I can!" He really likes it.

1029. Who'd like to see what happened when he really pushed it?

1030. - Yes, please. Yeah.

1031. Let's have a look.

1032. - (LAUGHING) Ooh!

1033. Oh! Good old Stiggy!

1034. Love it when he tries too hard.

1035. He is clinically insane.

1036. But luckily he survived and he'll be back next week, and so will we.

1037. See you then! Good night!