Top Gear 2x4

1. Tonight, a member of Parliament in our reasonably priced car,

2. a nice, relaxing smoke in a new Aston Martin,

3. and a mad Jag gone bad.

4. Hello. Now, we got a bit of a Jaguar theme tonight.

5. Later on, I'll be looking at the new XJ,

6. but look what we've got in the hangar.

7. This is the R Coupe.

8. It's the only one in the world.

9. And honestly, have you ever seen such a beautiful car?

10. No!

11. Neither have I. But then, strictly speaking, it isn't actually a car.

12. It's a concept. It's a one-off. It's a flight of fancy.

13. Jaguar built it to show the world where they're going.

14. But we start tonight on our track with where they came from.

15. 1953, what a top year for being British.

16. We climbed Everest, we broke the 4-minute mile

17. and we raced this Jaguar C-Type at Le Mans.

18. This was the first car to lap the Le Mans circuit

19. at an average speed of more than 100 miles an hour.

20. But the really interesting thing is that

21. the bloke driving was totally and utterly...

22. drunk!

23. Steady on!

24. His name was Duncan Hamilton.

25. He and co-driver Tony Rolt qualified for the '53 Le Mans okay,

26. but were then disqualified on a technicality.

27. Hamilton went into town, he found a local bar,

28. and got hog-whimperingly bladdered.

29. Trouble is, the race organisers then decided that he could race after all.

30. So, now we have the world's lariest car

31. on the start line of the world's most gruelling endurance race.

32. At the wheel is the world's most plastered racing driver.

33. And guess what happened.

34. He won.

35. This set the tone for Jaguar.

36. Cars for rotters, for cads, for absolute bounders.

37. Do you know, it has to be about my favourite-ever motor racing story.

38. - It's fantastic. - I know what you mean.

39. I know. Honestly, my favourite part of it was...

40. First few pit stops, when they were refuelling the car,

41. they were giving the driver, Duncan Hamilton, they were giving him black coffee.

42. He was going, "No, no, no, this is making me all jittery!"

43. So the second half they were giving him brandy!

44. Toughen him up.

45. Fill the car up with fuel, fill him up with brandy, send him off again.

46. And apparently it went on, because later in the race...

47. You know, there's no windscreen on that thing at all.

48. 130 miles an hour, bird, straight in the face.

49. - I bet he never noticed! "Whoa, what was that?" - Nope, carried on.

50. It was hanging in tatters, "No, not giving up!"

51. And the thing is, Jaguar carried on in that spirit

52. because then in the '60s, they had this.

53. The Mark II. It was glamorous enough for David Bailey,

54. and yet genteel enough for Inspector Morse,

55. and still fast enough for London's villains.

56. Let me show you one feature,

57. one little detail that sums up the impact

58. the Mark II had when it arrived in 1959.

59. I'm not talking about the beautiful grille,

60. or that long bonnet or the wire wheels.

61. It's back here.

62. It's this badge. Dunlop disc brakes.

63. And no, it wasn't just Jaguar showing off.

64. You see, these were the same disc brakes that had brought them victory at Le Mans.

65. And Jaguar were worried that because they stopped the Mark II so quickly,

66. mere mortals might just pile into the back.

67. That might sound twee today.

68. But back in 1959, this technology was mind-blowing.

69. Good enough, in fact, to put the Mark II in a league of its own.

70. Today, Jaguar may be locked in a constant struggle with its German rivals

71. BMW, Mercedes and Audi,

72. but let's look at how the competition stacked up back then.

73. This is the Mercedes. A 220 Saloon.

74. Mmm. Racy!

75. This is the BMW 2000. It's getting there,

76. but power-wise, it's still very much in short trousers.

77. And this is the Audi.

78. They really weren't trying at all.

79. They hadn't even bothered to exist in 1959.

80. But not only did the Mark II drive better than everything else,

81. it also looked better than everything else.

82. Quite a tricky double-whammy to pull off.

83. Even more so when you consider that, in 1959,

84. Jaguar didn't even have a styling department.

85. There were no professional style gurus employed to draw these glorious shapes.

86. Sir William Lyons, Jaguar's founder,

87. would in the day work in the office,

88. doing the paperwork, running the company.

89. And then over a summer's evening, he'd work on the prototypes here in his garden,

90. using the light, just looking to see how it fell on these gorgeous curves.

91. And best of all, the head gardener of the time says that

92. all the local boys and girls would line up along that wall

93. and just peep over and watch him work.

94. The 3.8 could hit 60 mph in 8.5 seconds.

95. That was faster than all the Germans,

96. faster than many of the purpose-built sports cars of the day.

97. Faster, even, than some modern S-Type Jags.

98. And best of all, it was accessible because it was so cheap.

99. In fact, if you take into consideration just changing fashions,

100. it wasn't the Jaguar of its time at all.

101. It was the Subaru Impreza.

102. An Aston Martin DB4 came in at 3,200 quid,

103. with 300 brake horsepower.

104. But you could have a Mark II Jaguar 3.8 with 220 brake horsepower

105. for 1,600 quid.

106. Some people didn't even pay that much,

107. because the Mark II was the car of choice

108. for Britain's villainous getaway drivers.

109. Roy James, who was the Great Train Robbers' getaway driver,

110. was very particular about his Jag Mark IIs.

111. He'd always steal a 3.4 rather than a 3.8, just because he preferred the handling.

112. Not a lot of people know that.

113. The Mark II ran for most of the '60s, but by 1968 it was all over.

114. And not such a bad thing, really,

115. because by then Jaguar had been swallowed up by British Leyland.

116. And predictably, the BL monster

117. was doing its bit to screw up everything.

118. So it had its eight-year run like most cars,

119. but for me it remains the ultimate Jaguar.

120. It wasn't the first time they'd used this kind of design or this engine,

121. but as a package, the Mark II became the definitive Jaguar saloon.

122. It might not have the ultimate knock-out glamour of the E-Type,

123. but the way we look at Jaguars today,

124. as fast, affordable, classy sports saloons, was defined by this car.

125. You know, I like the Mark II, hugely.

126. But, I didn't really get into Jaguar

127. until they launched the supercharged version in 1990...

128. - Four. - Four. That's right.

129. There's nothing more sinister than a Black XJR.

130. - Hannibal Lecter had one. - And he was sinister.

131. - And I had one. - But you're quite sinister.

132. And the great thing was, is that if you parked it outside a post office,

133. while you were away you always got the sense

134. that it was in there robbing the place.

135. Or eating the postmistress.

136. The Lecter-mobile is gone, finished. This is the new XJ.

137. This is the Jaguar saloon for the 21st century,

138. and we'll be looking at it a bit later on.

139. But now, it's the news.

140. Right, um...

141. We start tonight with some Vauxhall news, which will be of interest to these two chaps

142. because you've got an Astra diesel...

143. What is he doing here?

144. and he's got a Vectra, and not even the new one.

145. Dearie me. Anyway, we have managed to secure a photograph of next year's Astra.

146. - Who would like to see what it looks like? - Nope. Not really.

147. - Me. - You would like to see?

148. Okay, fair enough.

149. No! It is nice.

150. It's unbelievably nice. Terrific.

151. It'll never look anything like that, at all.

152. I thought that, so I rang Vauxhall up and I said,

153. "Look, is it really gonna look like that?"

154. They said yes. "If it doesn't, can I eat your dog?"

155. And he said, "Yeah, okay, you can eat my dog.

156. "I promise you, the three-door Astra, apart from the back end

157. "which will be a little bit different, will look like that."

158. That's fabulous. - Absolutely fabulous.

159. Can I show you something interesting? Have a look at this, okay?

160. It's a Ferrari, clearly,

161. and this stripe is what we're interested in for the moment.

162. Reading down this options list,

163. how much do you reckon this costs?

164. What, to have it painted on the car?

165. If you buy just the red car but you want it as an extra,

166. - from the options list that I have here... £1,000.

167. - £1,500. - For a bit of paint?

168. - 2,000?

169. Shall I tell you? It's 3,643 quid.

170. - For a stripe. Seriously. Bargain.

171. Three thousand six? "Bargain!"

172. Says the man with the Astra diesel!

173. This is the Stradale, which, if I can explain, is taken from...

174. They have a championship race where these compete.

175. This is the road-going version of the race car. So it costs £30,000 more.

176. It's £130,000.

177. But it's lighter, it's lower, they firm up the suspension,

178. lower the centre of gravity, more power, about 425 brake horsepower,

179. and nought to 62 in 4.1 seconds.

180. It has got paddle shift, and before you bleat about,

181. "I don't like flappy gear boxes,"

182. it's actually quite good in that.

183. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.

184. - Have you driven this car? - I have.

185. - And what happened when you drove this car? - Well, I crashed it.

186. Tell the nice ladies and gentlemen about what happened.

187. Well, I was going around a corner,

188. and the next minute I went round lots and lots of corners very quickly.

189. I spun it several times.

190. Actually, this is why it's called the F360, this model.

191. 'Cause you're driving along and then you go, "F..." and then you do a 360.

192. You know, you could be right! He could be right.

193. I've got news.

194. When Rover MG bought itself from BMW

195. for a tenner a few years ago,

196. they made some fairly bold claims about what they were gonna do.

197. They said... I have a list of it here.

198. They said they were gonna have a new 45 by 2003,

199. they said they were gonna have a V8 engine in the ZT,

200. they said there was gonna be an SV supercar.

201. They said they were gonna make a space shuttle.

202. Yeah. Space station.

203. Yeah, well, they were gonna build a space shuttle to get to the Rover space station.

204. A Rover space station would be fab, actually, wouldn't it?

205. - It would be dark metallic green...

206. and it would have a grille on

207. that would sort of appear every 24 hours as it rotated.

208. And a really nice clock somewhere, as well.

209. We're just thinking of the idea of Rover launching something.

210. "T minus six..." "Did someone say 'tea'?"

211. So studious!

212. "I mean, we're going into space!" "It's 3:30 now,

213. "we're knocking off, mate!"

214. - "All ahead!" - "We'll do the launch in the morning."

215. Um... Anyway,

216. no Rover space station, no supercar that we've been able to see,

217. no Rover 45s, they've not annexed China or bought India,

218. or all the things they said they were gonna do, but what they have done,

219. and I've got a photograph of it here,

220. is launch some hoops for the MG. Check it out.

221. You can now buy those hoops, which, er,

222. will cost you £280, inclusive of VAT,

223. - or if you want them attached to the car...

224. £339.

225. Right, reliability studies. We love these because...

226. - Oh, God. - No, we do,

227. because they tell us not, you know, which is the fastest nought to 60

228. but which cars break down and why.

229. This is a good one, it's by a company called, I think, reliabilityindex.com.

230. Internet. - Possibly isn't the best of starts.

231. But this makes interesting reading.

232. Here's their most reliable cars from their extensive survey work.

233. Their top ten goes as follows. Number one, Mazda.

234. Fair point. Maxdas are realiable. Anyone got a Mazda?

235. Yeah. Does it ever break down?

236. No. No? There you go. They never do.

237. MX5 goes forever.

238. Then in second place, Ford. Mmm. I suppose nowadays...

239. - Anyone got a Ford? Yes.

240. Does it ever break down?

241. No. Yes.

242. - Some do, some don't.

243. It's the second most reliable car...

244. I think this reliability index gets a bit weak here.

245. Third most reliable make of car,

246. Fiat.

247. I mean, then it's got, you know, Honda, Volkswagen, Mercedes,

248. Toyota, BMW, Volvo, all the people you'd expect,

249. but in third place,

250. Fiat!

251. - What have they got as being the most unreliable car? - Well, this is good fun,

252. because according to them the second least reliable make,

253. least reliable make, is

254. Subaru!

255. - They don't go wrong!

256. They're the most reliable cars imaginable!

257. I have never in... How long have I been doing this? 15 years.

258. I've never had a letter from a Subaru owner, ever, saying, "My Subaru broke down."

259. - So...

260. No, no! What was number one? What's the most unreliable car according to them?

261. - Toyota? Probably Toyota or Nissan. - I bet it's some Lexus.

262. - Jeep. - Oh, Jeep was one?

263. Yeah.

264. Do you want that?

265. Absolute rubbish!

266. Well, this is interesting. A brochure about the opening of a new car park in Leeds.

267. "Q-Park is not only changing the way people park

268. "but also the way they think about parking.

269. - "Parking... Parking..."

270. - You're done! - It gets better.

271. "Parking provides a vital link in the mobility chain."

272. It does! You stop your car...

273. "It is never an end in itself."

274. Well, you don't just go out to do some parking!

275. - "Put me out there, darling!

276. - "Have a nice day." "Oh, that's better."

277. I've been invited to the opening of this car park.

278. - In Leeds? - I have to say I'm very disappointed in it.

279. Because, when I joined Top Gear, I thought,

280. "Here we go. French film festival, Kristen..." No.

281. I've been invited to the opening of a car park, and it says,

282. "Yes, please, I would like to come to the opening of the car park."

283. "I will be arriving, A, by car,

284. - "B, on foot."

285. So anyway, I rang them up and I said, "I'd like to come in the car.

286. - "Will there be parking?"

287. Last week, if you remember, we launched our search for rubbish cars.

288. Well, not rubbish cars, cars that have been ruined, if you remember.

289. People who've just done stupid things.

290. Got a good example that's been sent in, to give you an idea of what we're looking for.

291. Started life as a Volvo, okay? Sensible car.

292. I've actually seen this car in real life. Look at that!

293. - Look at that!

294. He's welded half a wheelie bin to it.

295. Where on earth will you get...

296. When I saw that on the M4, there was a trail of traffic,

297. all trying to look, not just at the car,

298. but at the idiot that did that to it.

299. So, if that's you,

300. or if you've done anything like that to your car,

301. or you know anybody else who has, please,

302. drop us a line to,

303. "I'm a clot and I've ruined my car."

304. BBC Top Gear, London, Wales, W12, Scotland.

305. Now, in a couple of weeks we're having a bit of a theme to the show,

306. which is track days.

307. So what we're looking for is people who've been videoing themselves or their friends

308. going around the track when they made a complete horlicks of it and crashed.

309. If you've got any tapes like that, do send them to us, usual address.

310. "Top Gear, London W12,

311. "England, Wales, Scotland, Isle of Man, Northern Ireland, Berwick."

312. Now, when I hosted Have I Got News for You last year,

313. seven people telephoned the BBC to say I was a very poor presenter.

314. When my guest tonight hosted it,

315. 85 people rang up and said he was an excellent presenter.

316. He is the Conservative MP for Henley, he's editor of The Spectator,

317. and it seems he's 92 times better than me at hosting topical news quizzes.

318. Ladies and gentlemen, Boris Johnson!

319. - How are you? - Nice to see you.

320. Have a seat.

321. Thank you.

322. - This Have I Got News for Youmalarkey... - Yes.

323. - ... it is tricky, isn't it? - Very tricky.

324. I mean, tricky for me, at least, anyway.

325. It was trying to remember which bit you were supposed to be looking at

326. at any given time.

327. I think Angus Deayton earned his money.

328. I think they should bring back Angus.

329. - Who thinks we should bring back Angus? - I think bring back...

330. Yes!

331. Not bring back hanging, but bring back Angus.

332. The thing I've got to find out, really, is,

333. most politicians, as far as I can work out, are pretty incompetent

334. - and then have a veneer of competence. - Yes.

335. You do seem to do it the other way round.

336. Yes.

337. You can't rule out the possibility

338. that beneath the elaborately constructed veneer of, you know, a blithering idiot,

339. there lurks a blithering idiot.

340. - Well, which is it? Are you a blithering idiot? - No, no, my dear fellow.

341. What's this about you driving a tractor through a barn, then?

342. Yes, it's perfectly true. This was a long time ago.

343. I'm... You know...

344. Have you ever driven a tractor very fast?

345. No. Nobody has.

346. Well, this was actually rather a fast one, by my standards.

347. A Massey Ferguson tractor, had a great many very complicated gears.

348. And at the crucial moment I couldn't remember

349. which gear was the one you use when you wanted to slow down.

350. A sort of blankness descended. I went out through the back of the barn, and, um...

351. - Through the wall? - Yeah.

352. Anyway, it was all right in the end.

353. They docked my pay where I was working, but...

354. It was perfectly easy to replace the wall, so...

355. What were you, a tractor driver, then?

356. Part-time, yes. part-time tractor driver.

357. And now you write about cars.

358. I do, but, you know, I...

359. Jeremy, I sit at your feet in terms of writing about cars, anyway,

360. like Aeschylus feasting from scraps from the rich banquet of Homer, yeah?

361. That's the sort of thing that goes down big on Top Gear, isn't it?

362. - That's a good thing? - It is a good thing, yeah.

363. Because I mean, I do enjoy...

364. It's in GQmagazine, your motoring column. It's very good.

365. I don't know anything about cars. As you know... I don't really know.

366. I shouldn't say that, actually.

367. I do know... I know more than I used to.

368. Can I just share a little observation that Boris made about the Maserati here?

369. "Look how much has been crammed in.

370. "The great, big, fat, long things,

371. "the vast doodah with the squiggly bits coming out of the, er...

372. "Just look at those sucking..."

373. Jeremy, I... Do you really know your stuff, though, about cars?

374. - Absolutely no idea. - Yeah.

375. No, genuinely, I have no idea how an engine works.

376. People have sat me down and said, "No, the petrol goes..." Do you know?

377. No. Not the faintest.

378. And then the pistons go up and down, and somehow you go along.

379. How does that happen?

380. He'll know. He's got a beard and a Rover.

381. He'll know everything there is to know about it.

382. It is a miracle. But I'm a very keen cyclist.

383. - Unlike you, I think. - I loathe cycles. I loathe bikes.

384. - And you talk on a mobile phone while you're doing it. - No.

385. Well, I do. I do, yes.

386. When I said "No," I wanted to make a point about

387. my willingness to learn and to reform,

388. because it's perfectly true that I did once talk on a mobile phone whilst cycling.

389. And, actually, why shouldn't you be able to talk on a mobile phone?

390. - Because you can't reach the brakes! - You can with one hand.

391. I have this exact same thing...

392. Are you saying that people with one arm shouldn't be allowed to ride a bicycle?

393. Are you?

394. Because I put it to you that that is discriminatory.

395. Yes, people with one arm should not be allowed to ride a bicycle on the basis that...

396. - What do you mean? - ... no one should be allowed to ride a bicycle.

397. - Ah! - They take up too much space on the road,

398. and they don't pay to be there.

399. Well, I think bicycles are absolutely wonderful.

400. You wouldn't park in a cycle lane, would you?

401. - Park in one? - You wouldn't park in one...

402. No, but I do drive in them fairly regularly.

403. - You drive in cycle lanes? - Yeah, and bus lanes.

404. - I think the bus lane is a very good idea. - For you?

405. Yeah, because you think, "Everyone's not in this,

406. "fantastic. I'm late, I'll just zoom up it."

407. - Are you allowed to say that on telly? - I just did.

408. Whether it gets in is their...

409. I defy the makers of Top Gear to keep that admission in the final edit.

410. - Well, now... - I think that's a bit of a challenge.

411. Until Sunday night, we're not going to know

412. - whether it makes it into the final edit or not. - That's outrageous.

413. What, that I drive in bus lanes? Who here drives in bus lanes?

414. One... Two.

415. Exactly. There's only three of us who drive in bus lanes. They're empty for our use.

416. So what's it like on the road?

417. Are you the kind of guy that has your car towed away the whole time?

418. Uh, it has been towed away now and then, yeah. I wouldn't hide it from you.

419. I have to say, the last time it happened it was in defiance of every by-law.

420. It was...

421. My car was legally parked. There was absolutely no question.

422. And I had the testimony of two traffic wardens that it was legally parked

423. - in a residents' permit parking bay. - Mmm-hmm.

424. But the point I want to make is that once your car... Do you know this?

425. Once your car is one inch off the ground,

426. once it's in that dreadful hammock, and they've got it,

427. it is no longer yours. You have no rights over that vehicle any more.

428. There's nothing you can say to the chap, the tower,

429. - to stop him. - I have a theory on that.

430. - Who'd like to hear my theory on that? Yeah.

431. I think if you leapt onto the bonnet as it was dangling around...

432. And you've got one wheel down onto the tarmac?

433. No, health and...

434. There's no way in hell that a health and safety law is gonna allow you to be...

435. They'll have to put it back down again. I'm sure of that.

436. Now, of course, you're here, really,

437. to find out just how good a driver you are, I guess.

438. Yes, I have an idea about that.

439. - Really? - I think I'm extremely bad.

440. Really? "Extremely bad"!

441. - Who'd like to see Boris's lap? Yes!

442. Here we go.

443. Well, that was a start.

444. It's already been made clear to me by my coach,

445. a chap called Stig,

446. I'm the worst driver he's ever met.

447. I got to aim for the apex. Aim for the apex!

448. Who hooted at me? Someone hooted at me. This is quite...

449. Well, there we are! Across the line!

450. Don't feel bad about the off-road excursion there. Was it uncomfortable?

451. No, it was fine, it was fine. Very good car, the Neon.

452. It is a very good car. Very reasonably priced.

453. I think you can buy them now for about 25p.

454. Really? - That one for sure!

455. Now, where do you think you're going to come here?

456. You think you're gonna be up with Jay Kay, Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay?

457. Or you gonna be more a Jonathan Ross, Harry Enfield?

458. I think towards the... If not the very last. I mean, I have no idea...

459. No, you couldn't be slower than Harry Enfield.

460. You know, I've no idea.

461. He's terrified someone's gonna come one day and be slower than him.

462. He's only 13 seconds slower than Jay Kay, isn't he?

463. 13 seconds on that track is about four years in real time.

464. Anyway, I have your time here. You did it in one minute...

465. - 56 seconds, everybody!

466. He's faster than Jonathan Ross!

467. Could be worse. Could be worse.

468. Ladies and gentlemen, Boris Johnson!

469. Right!

470. The new Jaguar XJ.

471. Now, it looks, well, exactly the same as the old Jaguar XJ.

472. Seriously, that can't have been a difficult day for them

473. in the design office, can it, really?

474. "What are we gonna do for the new Jag?" "Well,

475. "I quite like the old one, actually. We'll do that."

476. But in fact it's bigger,

477. and that means you get a lot of stuff you didn't get on the old XJ.

478. Things like room in the back for full-size people.

479. You all right there? Comfortable? Good.

480. Actually, I've got to say, I never really noticed that

481. as a big problem, for some reason,

482. but apparently there wasn't much space.

483. You also get, for the first time in an XJ,

484. a proper-sized boot that you can get stuff in.

485. - Comfy? - Yeah, very.

486. But despite all of this, despite being bigger,

487. it manages to be a fifth of a ton lighter than the previous XJ.

488. And that's because the new one is made of aluminium.

489. And a lighter car is gonna be nimbler, it's gonna be faster, more economical,

490. and of course, kinder to the environment.

491. The thing is, though, the old XJ, the one I couldn't fit in the boot of,

492. that was made of lead and rock and, like, churches.

493. So it was like a big velvet glove.

494. Pick you up at the end of a hard day at work

495. and then gently deposit you at home.

496. Now this one, lighter, more high-tech. What worries me

497. is that some of the Jaguariness will have been lost.

498. So, to find out, I designed a cunning test.

499. Because Jaguars are supposed to ease the burden of travel,

500. I thought I'd see how far I could go in the new one

501. before I got bored and tired and irritable.

502. There are so many things that usually annoy me on a motorway,

503. like people in Mondeos, registration number M134 LWR,

504. who sit in the middle lane for no reason.

505. But there is fun stuff, too.

506. Well, here we are in Birmingham. And I must say, it's very nice of Bosch

507. to advertise the programme like that.

508. So far as the car's concerned, however, I've nothing to report.

509. It's fine.

510. Mmm, the M6. All solid.

511. If I were in a Mercedes, I'd be,

512. "Come on! Come on, everybody! Get out of the way!"

513. But in the Jag, I'm relaxed.

514. So they have an accident in road works

515. and they're not even doing any road works.

516. And ordinarily, that would annoy me, but I'm not bothered.

517. Eventually I broke free from the obstacle course that is Birmingham

518. and found the supercharged Jag has lost none of its superchargedness.

519. The extraordinary thing about this is

520. is that whether you're going 50 or 70,

521. or even a little bit more than that,

522. there's no difference in how it feels or sounds. It's amazing!

523. This is Staffordshire now,

524. voted recently in a survey by Country Life Magazine

525. as the worst county in all of England.

526. But they won't have looked at the important things,

527. like the quality of the slip roads going into motorway service stations.

528. And on that front, Stafford Services is in a class of its own.

529. And here we go.

530. You could brake hard, good brakes.

531. Turn in. Hug the apex all the way round, let it run wide.

532. Ooh! The air suspension working overtime here, keeping us flat and level.

533. Into the hairpin.

534. And here we are, coming up to the pits.

535. Phew! What a lap!

536. I can't believe how light this door is.

537. You know those Little Tikes cars that all kids have,

538. the red ones with the yellow roof, door?

539. That's what this feels like. Watch this.

540. Still, it should pay dividends where it matters, here.

541. One of the worst things about the old Jag was filling it up.

542. It used to... all the time.

543. This, though, is going in smoothly so far.

544. That's a big improvement.

545. Out of the services, it was time for another jam.

546. And guess what was at the other end of it.

547. Cheshire.

548. I'm not sure that the Jag will play well here.

549. I don't think its bonnet is onyx enough.

550. If you are interested in aesthetics, a bit of advice.

551. You've got to either have a Sport or the XJR, like I've got here,

552. because if you buy the SE, you get the worst radiator grille in the world.

553. And SEs, the wheels are too narrow on them.

554. So they look pinched, like Joyce Grenfell.

555. Except not just pinched, they've also got that silly grille, sort of...

556. Like that.

557. I'll tell you what is nice. They must have been tempted

558. to go with a kind of Kevlar interior,

559. but they've stuck with the wood and the leather.

560. And even though the car is much bigger, you still feel hemmed in. You know,

561. big, tall centre console and...

562. It's just nice. Feels like you're driving around in an eiderdown.

563. Now, time for the traditional motorway traveller's smorgasbord.

564. Double Decker.

565. Well, that's the trouble with eating a Double Decker,

566. bits of it fall off and go on your lap.

567. Let's try a Twirl.

568. Boost with guarana.

569. Oh, got a...

570. New! Chunky Kit Kat!

571. Twix, an old favourite.

572. Mmm. That's very good.

573. That was a delicious lunch. Very much looking forward to my tea.

574. William Hague once said to me that I was the sort of person

575. who thought that the Lake District got in the way of the M6.

576. It does.

577. We're having to go around all these corners, just 'cause of these silly lumps.

578. It is pretty, though.

579. I hate car journeys. They're so mind-crushingly boring.

580. But after six hours and 330 miles in a Jag, I was still relaxed,

581. no matter what the irritation.

582. This is Radio One.

583. Normally, that's like having a rusty screwdriver shoved into the side of your head.

584. But I don't know, today, it's fine.

585. You listen to this chap, he wants to "bitch-slap his ho."

586. Why not? Good luck to you, fella.

587. Let's try Radio Four.

588. Society has not always valued originality. Should we consider...

589. Ooh, Melvyn Bragg's philosophy show.

590. To what extent is originality about perception rather than conception?

591. And is originality a concept without meaning today?

592. I'm not quite with you there, Melvyn. I don't really understand the question.

593. the cultural theory of Cardiff University...

594. So, this is Glasgow, and I'm still feeling fresh.

595. I shall plough on.

596. Glad I did, because in Scotland the Jag got even better.

597. When I was on the motorway, it felt like a big, comfortable cruiser,

598. like a 7 Series BMW,

599. but, now the motorway network is finished,

600. and it's all gone twisty and curvy. It seems to have shrunk.

601. I would swear that I was driving a car the size of a 3 Series BMW.

602. This is what we want. A car that soothes away the monotony of the motorway

603. and then sticks its hand down the front of your trousers when the road gets curly.

604. Which it has done!

605. The old XJR drank fuel like a space shuttle.

606. But this one had brought me from Stafford to the Scottish Highlands on one tank.

607. Just.

608. I'm now playing what I call Fuel Light Bingo.

609. The rules are very simple. You let the fuel light come on,

610. then you let the needle go all the way through the red

611. until it's bent, like that, round the bottom of the gauge.

612. Then, when you see a sign saying, "Services 1 mile and 27 miles,"

613. go for the furthest one away, and when you get there, go past that one, too.

614. If you win, you make it home, the next day your wife drives your car

615. and she fills it up for you.

616. I think it's a great game.

617. My wife doesn't like it very much. I think it's brilliant.

618. If you lose, you run out of petrol.

619. When I finally coughed into a village shop that sold petrol

620. from one of Robert Louis Stevenson's old pumps,

621. it turned out the Jag had done 22.7 mpg.

622. Not bad for a supercharged 4.2-litre V8.

623. Oh, dear.

624. I seem to have run out of country.

625. Still, this time of night, should be quite a nice trip back.

626. So what's the verdict, then, Jeremy?

627. Well, I still like the Fuse bar best of all.

628. Uh, I tried that Boost with guarana, it was like a Double Decker.

629. It just sort of crumbles down, you arrive with brown all melted.

630. - Jeremy, you clot. The car, thank you. - Oh, the verdict on the car?

631. - Well, it's very good. - Yes.

632. And at £58,000 for the XJR, it's also extremely good value for money.

633. That's a lot less than you'd pay for the equivalent BM, Merc or Audi.

634. - Mmm-hmm. - What's your favourite in the range?

635. Er, the 4.2 SE, it's the most Jaguar-y.

636. Yeah? Yours?

637. Well, I'm not saying it's my favourite, but just at the entry level,

638. the three-litre V6, which is about 39?

639. - Yep. - I think that's a perfectly acceptable car.

640. It is, but the XJR, honestly, I wafted up to John O'Groats,

641. turned around and wafted back again.

642. No backache, wasn't tired, wasn't stressed. It's a very good car.

643. The only thing I didn't like about it was the air suspension.

644. And we're seeing this more and more on big cars nowadays.

645. The old XJ used to glide around at low speeds.

646. But with air suspension, it just can't absorb bumps when it's going slowly

647. like the old one. So you sort of crash into things.

648. And we hope air suspension goes away very soon.

649. - And takes with it those flappy gearboxes. - Yes.

650. Obviously. Right, the Cool Wall, crucial point, where's it going to go?

651. - Now, black XJR... - Where's it going?

652. - ... I think we've kind of proven. It is... - Cool?

653. D'you know, I think it's bordering on super...

654. I think it could be Sub Zero.

655. - A black XJR? - It's there.

656. Mmm... There.

657. Jeremy, it's also getting higher!

658. I'm not even going to go there this week. I can't be bothered.

659. Then, the rest of the range does have a problem. Can you do it for us?

660. - It looks exactly like that!

661. - Isn't that uncanny? That is incredible!

662. That is the most... Isn't that a dreadful grille?

663. - It is a disaster... - Just say, "Yes, Jeremy."

664. Yes, Jeremy. - I have found a dealer who, for 250 quid,

665. that's 250 quid,

666. - will put you the XJR grille on any XJ. - Really?

667. That kind of admits it's wrong.

668. But I reckon, if it's got that standard grille on,

669. I'm afraid, with Jeremy's face-grille on it, that's, um...

670. that's uncool. Sorry! Just such a small thing spoils it.

671. Exactly. Now, would you buy the Jag in preference to anything else?

672. - Uh, yeah, I'm a Jag man, yes. - Yeah, so would I. You?

673. Well, I definitely wouldn't buy the 7 Series BM. No, it's too ugly.

674. - The Audi A8 isn't quite there yet. S-Class Mercedes...

675. Merchant banker. - Merchant banker, yeah.

676. - It's very much a merchant banker's car,

677. so yeah, I'd have the Jag. But there is one slight problem.

678. In a few weeks we're going to be running a road test of this,

679. it's the new Volkswagen Phaeton.

680. And I suspect that this will put a large German fly in Jaguar's ointment.

681. Now, then, Hammond, do you have £58,500

682. to spend on a new XJR? Because I don't.

683. - No, I don't... - No, you don't. Well...

684. This is insider dealing, where we've got more sense than money.

685. And I've found that the original XJR, this is the 1994 one,

686. the first supercharged one, six cylinders, but still a very nice car.

687. Possibly a bit more raw than the 8-cylinder ones as well.

688. It looks essentially like this, but with different wheels.

689. I found one, 70,000 miles, in black, very hadable,

690. - less than £8,000. How's that? - That's a good buy. They are a tempting buy.

691. - "But," you're going to say? - Well, I've just got a slight reservation on them.

692. My worry is always this. Buy one by all means, it's a great car,

693. it'll look like this, you'll be very happy.

694. And I've nearly done this a couple of times.

695. At the wheel, about to buy it,

696. bear in mind it will lose money,

697. and never stop losing money.

698. You pay £8,000 for one now, that'll be halved next year, and the year after,

699. until you got to pay somebody a grand to take it away.

700. I'm not saying don't buy one. I think they're fantastic.

701. But buy one in the knowledge that you're going to have to keep it,

702. because it'll lose its value.

703. Car supermarkets. Do you remember when these started,

704. they tended to be full of three-year-old ex-rental cars and fleet stuff, and it was...

705. - They were a bit shabby. - A bit shabby, yeah, and a bit worn out.

706. All of a sudden, these are full of really fantastic new-car deals.

707. Now, I'll explain why this is. If you're a main dealer,

708. you have to take a certain allocation of cars off your manufacturer or importer.

709. That's part of the deal of being a dealer.

710. As we know, this year is not such a good year for car sales,

711. they've got too much stuff.

712. Now, they don't want to put them on the forecourts at a discounted price,

713. because it looks bad, and in the long term it will be bad for business.

714. So, what they're doing is, they're quietly shoving them into the car supermarkets.

715. And they're bargains. Now, how about a Range Rover? Not the new one, I'm afraid.

716. The previous model. The very boxy one.

717. It was a 50-grand car, but, it's only 30,000. That's the starting price.

718. - Thirthy grand? - Yeah. It's not bad, is it?

719. And it's still a new car. It's just not the new Range Rover.

720. Completely new. It just hasn't been sold yet.

721. - That's a good buy. - But that's rubbish compared with this.

722. I love this one. The Alfa Romeo 166.

723. When was the last time anybody actually saw one of those on the road?

724. - You don't, but it's a really elegant car. - It's absolutely fabulous.

725. It looks terrific. The inside is fantastic, it makes a great noise,

726. it's Italian, and all the rest of it.

727. Now, these are in car supermarkets. Let's take the two-litre twin spark model.

728. This has a list price of £20,750. I've seen it for less than £13,000.

729. - Oh, that is a saving. - That is a fantastic saving, but here's a better one.

730. The 2.5-litre V6 model, this is the quad cam engine,

731. generally acknowledged to be one of the finest engines

732. in the history of the Italian car.

733. This car would retail at £24,250.

734. I found it for less than 15, less than the list price of a Focus diesel.

735. Focus money? And that is such an elegant car! That is a very good buy.

736. Absolutely fabulous.

737. This is the ultimate underground car. It's called the Jaguar XKR-R.

738. It's lowered, it's got racing seats, racing seatbelts.

739. There's somewhere in there to put your helmet.

740. It's got enormous wheels, it's got exhausts by Matrix Churchill, it's a concept.

741. But, unlike the R Coupe that we saw at the start of the show,

742. this one actually works.

743. Unlike any XK that's gone before, this one has a manual gearbox.

744. And you can do 58 miles an hour, in first!

745. They've also changed the rear suspension, which was always an XK Achilles heel.

746. In fact, they've changed the entire rear end and fitted a limited-slip diff.

747. Which means you can do this.

748. If you tried to do this in a normal XK...

749. Whoo-hoo!

750. you'd spin. But this just grips and goes. It's a cat...

751. Ooh!

752. gone feral.

753. I love this car. But sadly, they can't put it into production,

754. because Jaguar has a sister company, Aston Martin,

755. and this would jump up and down all over Aston's new car, the DB7 GT.

756. This shape has been with us for ten years now,

757. but neither time nor Aston's misguided attempts to improve it

758. with new wheels and flared sills have managed to ruin it.

759. For the GT, they've really gone mad. There's a new boot lid,

760. with a sort of spoiler on the end of it.

761. There are lumps on the bonnet with louvers, and there's a new radiator grille.

762. Now, all these things are terrible, but look at it this way.

763. When Sean Connery grew a beard, my wife still fancied him.

764. Inside, you still get a handmade feel.

765. When I close the centre console lid, for instance, the ashtray opens.

766. And this window doesn't close properly, so once you're going more than, say, 50 mph,

767. you get a little squeak of wind noise.

768. Mind you, that's not the most annoying sound that the Aston makes.

769. You stop this "bong" by closing the door,

770. but then when you turn the ignition on, you get a new "bong".

771. It's presumably for the American market, to remind them that they're in a car.

772. Actually, you couldn't sell this to an American. He wouldn't fit.

773. I mean, I don't. Nowhere for my left leg, there's nowhere for my head.

774. You have to remember that underneath everything,

775. this is basically a Jaguar XJS.

776. It's a 30-year-old design. And how much are they charging for all this?

777. £104,000!

778. It's time, therefore, to tuck the DB7 up in bed with a nice mug of cocoa,

779. and let Jaguar make that brilliant XKR-R instead.

780. Except for one tiny detail.

781. This GT version is not just a cynical marketing exercise.

782. It's not just a beard to cover up the wrinkles.

783. What it is

784. is amazing.

785. It may be cramped, old and expensive, but it is epic fun.

786. The old DB7 was never that much cop to drive,

787. but in this, they've been through it with a fine-tooth comb,

788. changing just about everything.

789. Rear wishbones, damper settings,

790. they've stiffened up the bushes at the front, and I cannot tell you,

791. I cannot stress enough, just how much of an improvement it is.

792. It's not just better than the old DB7.

793. I don't know of any other car which offers such an intoxicating blend

794. of grip, handling, and surprisingly, ride comfort.

795. Oh, and there's something else in the mix as well.

796. Power!

797. God, it's fast!

798. Sounds good, too. Listen to this.

799. The six-litre V12 is more powerful

800. than you get in a normal DB7 and then, there's its party piece.

801. Let me show you something.

802. I'm going to stop, put it into fourth gear, and off we go.

803. It sets off fine in fourth.

804. Foot hard down, and we're now going 40 miles an hour.

805. 50 miles an hour. 60 miles an hour.

806. 70, 80, really into its stride now,

807. 90, 100, really gathering pace.

808. Still in fourth. I haven't changed.

809. 120, 130 miles an hour, 135, we're on the rev limiter,

810. that's nought to 135 in one gear!

811. For the last few years the DB7's been an ageing rocker,

812. still trying to cut it in a Coldplay MP3 world

813. of Porsche 911s and Foo Fighter Ferraris.

814. But now, thanks to a cocktail of Botox and Viagra,

815. it's up there with the best of them.

816. - What a car! - I know. The thing is,

817. I really don't like all these sort of bumps and louvers they've put on it.

818. So I had a wizard wheeze, like Boris Johnson has.

819. Anyway, what you should do,

820. buy a used DB7 V12, okay? Take it to Aston Martin,

821. and I've checked, they can do this,

822. they will put the GT suspension stuff on it,

823. and then you can have one of these.

824. They'll even do the engine as well, if you want.

825. - I mean, that's brilliant! - So how much does that cost, then?

826. Well, a used DB7 is around, I don't know, £60,000 to get a good one,

827. and then 10 to 12 thousand for the suspension,

828. and another 10, though you don't really need it, for the engine.

829. That's brilliant. Is that your idea of a used-car tip?

830. So what you've done is taken a really expensive car and turned it into...

831. Well, it's still a really expensive car!

832. - It's 80 grand!

833. It's all part of the Top Gearservice, as, of course, is our lap,

834. so it's time to pump up The Stig

835. and see how fast he can make it go round.

836. So, away he goes. Lots of wheel spin there.

837. And up to the first corner. The six-litre V12 working hard.

838. Mmm. Stiggy's in a mellow mood, I think, today.

839. Now, down to Chicago...

840. Tidy.

841. Last week, he had the Alpina Z8, was rubbish on the road,

842. set a blistering time around our track.

843. The Aston, probably going to be the other way around.

844. Look at it in the Hammerhead.

845. It's that soft suspension that makes it so good on the road.

846. That is really mad driving from The Stig! I'm not sure it's going to be fast here.

847. That's what worries me.

848. That is very fast through the Follow-through.

849. Down to the penultimate bend, sliding all over the place!

850. Ooh, Stig, come on, up to Gambon!

851. Lurching in several different directions here.

852. And across the line in one minute 30.4 seconds.

853. Ohhh! That's actually very quick, and do you know what?

854. Aston Martin reckoned it would've gone even quicker,

855. but it had a full tank of fuel, and that slowed it up a bit.

856. But that puts it there. It's faster than an Audi S4, just behind the As One

857. and behind the Alpina, but I don't care,

858. because as road cars go, that's one of the best I've driven in years.

859. Now, who'd like to see the XKR-R do a lap?

860. Yeah! - So would we. Trouble is, since I drove it,

861. it's been back to Jaguar, and for reasons I don't fully understand,

862. they've been fiddling with the rear suspension.

863. So when we rang them up and said, "Could we have it back for The Stig to do a lap?"

864. They said, "Well, yes,

865. "but it's handling at the moment like a greasy weasel."

866. And they said they didn't think The Stig would want to drive it in that state.

867. And they probably have a point, he wouldn't have done,

868. if we'd have told him.

869. Here he comes now, round the first corner.

870. Getting himself warmed... Oh, look at him already!

871. Come on, Stig, try to stay with it!

872. And that's a full 360 from The Stig!

873. - Across the line, backwards!

874. Good old Stig.

875. Now, on that multidirectional bombshell, I'm afraid we've got to go.

876. But we'll see you next week. Good night. Bye!