Top Gear 2x3

1. Tonight, a new take on the world's worst BMW,

2. a Starsky in our reasonably-priced hutch,

3. and the world's finest supercars head-to-head.

4. Hello!

5. Now, this week the off-road Porsche Cayenne went on sale in Britain.

6. It's probably the most eagerly-awaited new car of the whole year.

7. So have we tested it? No.

8. Because that's exactly what they were expecting us to do.

9. So what we've done instead is tested its sister car.

10. This, the Volkswagen Touareg.

11. Most big off-road cars these days aren't designed to do this.

12. The Porsche Cayenne is a road-going 911 on stilts,

13. a sort of Swiss Family Rocketship.

14. Then there is the ultimate urban animal, BMW's Fireball XL5.

15. The Touareg's different, though. It has locking differentials and skid plates,

16. and a low-range gearbox so it can keep on rolling when the going gets military.

17. Then, have a look at the tyres.

18. They may look like they belong on a motorway,

19. but the sleeve walls have been specially stiffened

20. so they can take whatever punishment nature cares to throw at them.

21. Onwards.

22. The best thing about the Touareg is its engine.

23. Now, you can have a 3.2-litre V6 or a 4.2-litre V8, and I'm sure they're jolly lovely.

24. But I've gone for the diesel.

25. Don't worry. This is not the onset of madness.

26. I haven't come over all Bill Oddie-ish.

27. Because this is no ordinary diesel engine.

28. It's huge.

29. A turbocharged five-litre V10.

30. That's fantastic!

31. The figures it produces are no less vast.

32. It churns out 553 pounds-feet of torque.

33. If the world ever stops spinning and they need a car to get it started again,

34. this is it.

35. So, if you run a business specialising in the removal

36. of enormous trees from inaccessible forests,

37. plainly the V10 Touareg is ideal.

38. But what if you're an accountant?

39. Or a heating engineer? Or a surgeon?

40. Or you just want something to take the kids to school in the morning.

41. Well, let's find out.

42. It is quite fast, 140 miles an hour.

43. But there are some drawbacks.

44. First of all, the engine is a third of a ton heavier than the V6.

45. That means no more than 19 miles to the gallon.

46. And because you've got a foundry under the bonnet,

47. the handling is not much cop, either.

48. It's like you're driving around on four flat tyres.

49. You have to make constant adjustments to the wheel just to go in a straight line.

50. Then there's the ride.

51. Now you can put the suspension into sport mode.

52. But then it's like sitting on one of those machines

53. that separates small rocks from bigger rocks.

54. So you go, "Okay, fine, I'll put it into comfort mode."

55. But then the whole thing rolls so much

56. that your children will vomit explosively and copiously

57. all down the back of your shirt.

58. I took a Touareg to Euro Disney with the children the other day.

59. And I was faced with the choice, teeth shaken out

60. or diced carrots in the shirt.

61. And I went for the vomit. That's how bad the sport suspension is.

62. There were a few other problems, too.

63. The luggage cover rattled,

64. the oil warning light kept coming on,

65. the stereo sounded like a 19th-century gramophone,

66. and this was the view from the rear-view mirror.

67. I could go on.

68. So I shall.

69. The gearbox works in geological time.

70. The styling is iffy. The seat gave me backache.

71. And look at this phone holder.

72. That is an afterthought, isn't it?

73. They had a meeting and went, "Have we thought of everything?"

74. And then someone said, We forgot the phone!"

75. And so they put it there.

76. And my phone fits, but it doesn't work.

77. And then there's the price, £50,000.

78. 50! £50,000 for this!

79. I'd rather eat the money.

80. Volkswagen were so concerned about my views on the Touareg,

81. they asked me to test another one which had smaller wheels.

82. I'm afraid to report that it was just as bad.

83. Now, since I filmed that, I have driven a petrol-powered Touareg,

84. and it was a little bit better.

85. But generally speaking, if you want a car like this,

86. you're probably going to be better off getting a Porsche Cayenne,

87. or if you don't like the look of that, and who can blame you, a BMW X5.

88. If you want nothing but a workhorse, get a Toyota Land Cruiser.

89. If you just want something to take the kids to school, Volvo XC90.

90. And if you want something that can kind of do everything,

91. what's the matter with a Range Rover?

92. Now, you do hear it said that there's no such thing as a bad car nowadays.

93. Well, clearly with the VW Toe-rag, that's not the case.

94. They do still make bad cars.

95. And this is interesting, 'cause when I was a lad

96. we used to get our bad cars from Wartburg, Polski Fiat,

97. British Leyland and other left-wing dictatorships.

98. And they're all gone now, but you do still get 'em.

99. I would like to propose... Does anybody here own an Audi A2?

100. That's a bad car.

101. - That is a bad car. - They're not going to admit to it now.

102. - It is a bad car. - Yeah.

103. Uh, it's... Well, it's made of beer tins, which is great,

104. but the windows are too small, you can't open the bonnet.

105. And if you put the windscreen wipers on, the whole thing rocks with the blades.

106. It's so light that, yeah, the windscreen wiper does make it rock.

107. But the worst thing about it is the price. £17,000!

108. You could buy a car for that!

109. What about the Hyundai Sonata?

110. Now that's the same car as...

111. Kia Magentis. - Right.

112. Exactly the same. Buy a Kia Magentis for whatever it costs,

113. for £1,000 more you can have a Hyundai Sonata.

114. And I said to the guy from Hyundai, "Why is it 1,000 more?"

115. He went, "Oh, you're paying for the name."

116. A Hyundai?

117. Has anyone here got any ideas what a bad car? Of a bad car?

118. - Hold on a minute. Hold on a minute. - A Daewoo.

119. - Which one? - A Lanos.

120. They are shocking, actually.

121. The problem is that we can't remember why they're shocking.

122. - That's the trouble. - It's because it didn't have any effect on you.

123. - It just passes you by. - Anybody else?

124. - Hold on a minute.

125. Vauxhall VX220.

126. Out! Come on!

127. - Out!

128. Go on, out, right away out!

129. Right the way over here!

130. The Vauxhall VX220 is a fine car

131. in every way. Out!

132. Sorry about that, but I've just driven the new Vauxhall VX220.

133. We've got it on the programme in a couple of weeks.

134. It's brilliant! Absolutely wonderful!

135. Um, no one said the Vauxhall Vectra.

136. No! Uh-oh!

137. He's come here in a turtleneck jumper, and with face hair!

138. Why is it a good car?

139. Because it'll do everything that you want it to do on the motorway if you're a rep.

140. I'm not a rep. Are you a rep?

141. I'm not a rep, either.

142. Well, why the hell are you interested in a Vauxhall Vectra?

143. - What do you drive? - A TVR.

144. TVR?

145. - Has it ever broken down? - Twice.

146. What?

147. Uh, something they wouldn't tell me about, and...

148. Something else, I've no idea.

149. He's interested in his engine, isn't he?

150. Tell you what I want to do. Write down

151. what you think is the absolute worst car on sale today. Okay?

152. - You have music while we do this? - It won't take that long.

153. I'm done.

154. - Okay, let's have a look. - Oh, wait, wait, wait...

155. Oh, that's amazing! What are the chances of that?

156. We've all written the same car.

157. The rules of sports car building are surprisingly simple.

158. It has to look good on the outside, look good on the inside.

159. It has to ride well and handle well.

160. So how does the Lexus SC430 do?

161. It's none of those things.

162. Which is quite an achievement, because most cars manage

163. to get at least two of those four right.

164. I mean, just look at this wood!

165. That is the car equivalent of a giant cabinet for your telly.

166. And it's not like Lexus only had a miserable changing-room budget

167. of about 500 quid to play with.

168. They had bucketloads of cash to spend,

169. and they still came up with a Mexican hacienda.

170. When it was first launched, the SC430 came with run-flat tyres,

171. which, of course, are virtually solid.

172. Fred Flintstone had a similar tyre setup on his car.

173. And believe me, it made for a hard ride.

174. Well, quite recently Lexus waved the white flag

175. and they replaced the run-flat tyres with ordinary ones

176. and softened the suspension.

177. But not enough, not by a long way.

178. And the problem is, it's not really hard and communicative enough

179. to be a sporty chassis,

180. and it's certainly not comfortable enough to be a relaxed cruiser.

181. It's a dreadful compromise.

182. It's horrible. I don't like driving this thing at all.

183. At least the engine people did their job properly.

184. 282 admirably smooth horsepower. It is a good engine.

185. And so is the stereo, actually,

186. once you've finally waited for the electric gates to open.

187. And the roof could have been good, too.

188. Look at that! One minute it's got a roof, the next minute it hasn't. Brilliant!

189. Hasn't got a boot either, now. It's all full of roof.

190. Utterly, utterly useless!

191. Mind you, they are leather. It's got a label,

192. which will, I suspect, be left on.

193. The thing is, Lexus can and do make good cars.

194. It's just that when they came to make a sports coupe, it all went horribly wrong.

195. They didn't follow the simple rules, which is a shame.

196. Because, if you do, anybody can make a good sports car.

197. Even Hyundai, whose pedigree isn't exactly Lotus.

198. After all, when they went into making cars,

199. their background was in trains and really heavy industrial stuff.

200. Bit like JCB saying, "Well, we do good diggers, let's have a go at a car."

201. And, sure enough, not everything is out of the top drawer.

202. Just look at the interior!

203. I'm sure it probably will last the course,

204. but it does have a whiff of the Amstrad about it.

205. But unlike the Lexus, that is where the moaning stops.

206. I mean, just look at the thing.

207. There have been a few moans that it's cribbing the look of the Ferrari 456.

208. I'm sorry? You can buy a coupe for £18,500

209. that looks a bit like a Ferrari.

210. And that's a bad thing, is it? Right.

211. And then there's the chassis.

212. Where the Lexus feels flabby, numb and charmless,

213. this feels tight and sharp. I can feel what's going on.

214. It's egging me on to go a little bit quicker.

215. This is a good drive, and I don't mean a good drive for £18,500.

216. It's just a good drive. Fact.

217. It's not massively powerful.

218. This is the top-spec 2.7-litre V6 with 165 brake horsepower, which isn't much.

219. What it does have as well is a lovely six-speed gearbox,

220. which makes the most of that 165 brake, it kind of makes up for it.

221. It even sounds nice! I like this car.

222. In fact, for £18,500, this is a proper little charmer.

223. And suddenly the Lexus just looks like a big, fat £50,000 folly.

224. Right, the news, and we start with a warning to parents.

225. Uh, you probably think that your teenage children are buying

226. these top-shelf magazines to look at this kind of thing.

227. And you probably think that's normal, okay?

228. Well, they're not! What they're actually looking at is that.

229. They are cutting out pictures of this sort of car and taking them to the lavatory.

230. This is a Citroen Saxo VTR.

231. It was, I think, the most popular car, wasn't it, among this sort of...

232. - Yeah. - ... kids in baggy trousers,

233. because, A, you could buy lots of bits for it, tuning bits, spoilers and so on,

234. and also because Citroen were doing it with free insurance for a long time,

235. which matters when you're young.

236. Well, bad news, the Citroen Saxo has gone out of production,

237. and it has been replaced with this.

238. This is the new Citroen C2.

239. And, talk about knowing your market.

240. Citroen has already fitted big flared wheel arches to it,

241. so that you can get 16" rims under them, so it'd be perfect.

242. - I really like the look of it. You like it? - Hmm?

243. - You like it? - Yes, Jeremy.

244. You don't, do you? What's the matter with it?

245. I do. I don't like that ready-modified look. I think it should be one or the other.

246. - But that's just... - You really do live in Gloucestershire, don't you?

247. I do, I do.

248. If it doesn't have a Massey Ferguson thing written on the front,

249. - you don't like it, do you? - Don't look sturdy enough for me,

250. stand no kind of treatment. And I bet it hasn't got a power take-off.

251. - Can I do one now? - Yeah. What've you got?

252. I've got two. Right, uh,

253. Porsche have a race championship going on this year

254. in this country called the Porsche Carrera Cup of Great Britain.

255. The reason this is of interest to us

256. is that they are producing a road-going version of the car that competes in that.

257. It's the 911 GT3.

258. They've done GT3s before, this is the new one. I can have a look at it, I think.

259. It's a stunning-looking thing, and it's not just the looks,

260. it's 381 brake horsepower, nought-to-60 in 4.5 seconds.

261. It will cost you £72,000, but it's real racetrack-type technology.

262. I get confused with 911s. I never know where they all go.

263. - Is that turbo? - No, that's not, that is normally aspirated.

264. - So, wait a minute, the GT2's a turbo... - Yes.

265. - ... and the Turbo's a turbo, obviously. - Yes.

266. - Why's a GT2 not a Turbo if it is a turbo? - It is a turbo.

267. - The GT2... - Yes, why's it called a GT2 and not a Turbo?

268. Because the Turbo's called the Turbo.

269. - You couldn't have a... - You see?

270. Does anybody here understand the 911 range? No?

271. - They're bored, aren't they? - Yes.

272. - They've been making the same car for 120, 13 years,

273. and all they think to do is, "We'll call that one a GT3, that one a GT2,

274. "that one a Turbo, G2 and GT1.

275. "A 959, put the engine in the back."

276. God, it must be fun going into a Porsche dealership. "I'll have a 911."

277. Be like ordering breakfast in America.

278. - "I just want eggs!" - "Just give me a Porsche!"

279. Get this, if you're feeling even more wealthy,

280. for £330,000, another Porsche from racing... Look at that!

281. The Carrera GT. We've been waiting for this since 2000.

282. We first saw it at the Paris Motor Show.

283. That is absolutely stunning. - It's glorious. Glorious.

284. Look at this! Look at this! Look at this! Look at this! Ooh!

285. V10, 5.7-litre, 612 brake horsepower.

286. - How much is it? - It's £330,000, Jeremy.

287. - What? What?

288. No, you're supposed to go, "Ooh!"

289. Right, here's something that doesn't happen very often, about once in a lifetime,

290. a new Bristol, okay? This is the Bristol Fighter.

291. Actually, it's the Bristol Fighter Mark II,

292. because the first one was launched in 1916 and it was a biplane.

293. This looks quite a bit more promising.

294. It's a two-door gullwing supercar, it's going to cost £230,000.

295. 210 miles per hour, V10 engine, 525-something brake horsepower.

296. That's the same engine they put in a Dodge Viper, isn't it?

297. Essentially, it is... Well, actually, no.

298. Well, it's essentially the same,

299. but it actually develops more power in the Bristol, for some reason.

300. How come? - I don't know.

301. Mahogany crank shaft, or something traditional like that.

302. Anyway, I loved Bristols when I was a kid, for some perverse reason, and for...

303. Oh, no, they got confused, James.

304. You loved Bristols when you were a child?

305. When I was a kid I loved Bristols, then I got into cars,

306. and I quite fancied the idea of a Bristol.

307. And, um, it's quite good because now I actually live about a mile and a half

308. from the Bristol showroom, which is in South Kensington.

309. It's the only Bristol showroom in the world,

310. and I thought, "I'm going to go there and finally, I'm going to drive a Bristol."

311. They wouldn't even let me in the showroom.

312. - And do you know why? - Why?

313. Because I know you, you git!

314. I can... The problem is, I once did drive a Bristol.

315. And all I said in the road test was that it was...

316. That the handle that you pull the glove box down with

317. looked like it was made from the flex from a 1940s telephone,

318. you know, that Herriot thing, like that.

319. That was it. "You're banned, you're never driving another Bristol."

320. It's not the end of the world. I wake up in the morning,

321. "I'll go to work in the SL, then." But...

322. You used to ring up Bristol and they'd pick up the phone and say,

323. "Bristol cars, may I help you?"

324. And they now pick it up and say "Bristol cars, do you know Jeremy Clarkson?"

325. If you say yes, you just get a click, a sort of Bakelite click.

326. Um, now I was driving to work the other day,

327. and I saw this car parked at the side of the road.

328. Now, that was a Jaguar, and somebody thought,

329. "I know what I can do! I can put a chest freezer on the front,

330. "and a nice 1970s paint scheme and it'll be great!"

331. Look at that, spoiler on the back, which I've only just noticed.

332. That's fantastic. - And it made me think,

333. what is the worst car in Britain today?

334. So we decided to have a competition to try and find it.

335. Now, we all know from changing rooms, okay,

336. NDF is a fantastic material

337. if you want to make a wardrobe, a cupboard in your kids' bedroom,

338. shelves or whatever.

339. If you do this and you've got some NDF left,

340. make some more shelves, put it in the loft,

341. put it in the corner of the garage with all those other useful bits of wood,

342. but don't put it on the car.

343. It simply does not work.

344. So, if you've ruined your car,

345. or you know someone who's ruined their car,

346. why not write to us at,

347. "I know someone who's a clot and has ruined their car,

348. "Top Gear, BBC Television, London, England."

349. No wait, that's wrong.

350. You said the Queen of England last week,

351. we've had a whole load of complaints about it,

352. so it'll actually be, "I know someone who's ruined his car,

353. "Top Gear, BBC Television, London, Scotland."

354. Now, Hammond, excellent news tonight on Insider Dealing.

355. It turns out that we, the British car-buying public,

356. - have the British car dealer over a barrel. - Oh, good!

357. Now, it's a simple matter of oversupply.

358. - Last year, a record year in the UK for car sales. - Yeah.

359. This year predicted to be a record year, it's not.

360. War, threat of recession, all the rest of it.

361. Now the motor trade can't turn itself around very quickly.

362. They were geared up for, you know, huge demand,

363. imports, manufacturing the lot, so they've got too many cars.

364. So they're relying on an old trick, pre-registration.

365. What this means is that, essentially, to keep their figures looking good,

366. manufacturers and importers will sell a car to themselves,

367. they register it to the dealer,

368. and then they put it on the forecourt as an ex-demonstrator.

369. Now these cars are actually new.

370. They've done a few miles, they might have only done a few yards

371. from the back of a transporter,

372. but technically, they're second-hand.

373. What does this do to prices?

374. Well, I found a Ford Focus TDCi.

375. This is with the new diesel engine, a great car,

376. 14,995 list, I found it for a fiver under 11 grand.

377. - That's a sizeable amount! - It's a fantastic deal.

378. All that this car has done is had a number plate bolted on it.

379. So no difference, it is a new car.

380. - It's a new car with a number plate. - Okay.

381. Sports cars, now you'd expect us to say on Top Gear,

382. "It's coming up to summer, don't go and buy a convertible sports car.

383. "Because everybody else wants one and the prices go up."

384. Here's a Top Geartop tip, it's not true.

385. The problem is over-supply. Let's take the MX-5.

386. There's been a huge boatload of them coming over from Japan.

387. When it reached Dover, they couldn't say,

388. "We've got too many of those, we'll send it back to Japan."

389. They've got to get rid of them. They're piled up, for example,

390. in a car supermarket in Manchester.

391. Now the 1.8 IS, this is the best engine,

392. the best suspension and the nicest alloy wheels.

393. In fact, the Mazda MX-5 is still about the best two-seater car.

394. It's the one I'd have, actually. And I'd have that version.

395. I've already found it with £3,525 off,

396. which makes it 14,500, let's say, which is actually less than you'd pay

397. for the basic 1.6.

398. That is a bargain for summer!

399. Now, have you ever found a pound down the back of the sofa?

400. Uh, yes, I have.

401. Right. Now, I don't want to sound like an old gimmer,

402. but you can't actually get much for a pound these days, can you?

403. - No. - You can't even get half a bitter in the local...

404. - No. - ... but you can buy a car.

405. Now you can go into a Kia dealership

406. with a pound coin and you can drive away in a Kia Rio hatchback.

407. Right. I presume there's more to pay after that, James.

408. Actually, there is. It's a five-year deal,

409. it's about £120.30 a month for five years,

410. and at the end, there's a 50-quid payment to secure the car as yours.

411. Obviously, that's an APR of 8 or 8.1%.

412. But the fact is, you can go out with just a pound in your pocket

413. - and come back with a car. And come back with a car.

414. I actually did a little experiment.

415. You can't do that in the toy shop near me.

416. - You can't get a toy car for a quid... That's true!

417. - ... but you can get a Kia. - A real one. Cool!

418. Right! The Eurovision Song Contest took place last night.

419. So we thought we'd have a little international competition of our own.

420. Now, being us, it's not too complicated.

421. The question is this. Which country makes the fastest supercar?

422. So what do we have in the supercar line-up?

423. From Germany, the Porsche 911 Turbo.

424. From Japan, the Honda NSX.

425. Representing the USA, and the closest thing they make to a sports car,

426. the Chevrolet Corvette.

427. From France, the only supercar they build, the Venturi Atlantique.

428. And from Italy, what else but the gorgeous Ferrari 360?

429. And finally, the UK representative, our tattyTop Gear Jag.

430. This, remember, is the same Jag we bought last series for pennies

431. and stripped down to see if we could make it go any faster.

432. It's old, rusty, and basically worthless.

433. So, this should be good!

434. And perhaps rather predictably, the Jag embarrasses itself.

435. Ooh, dear.

436. So what was the result of that?

437. Uh, well, the Porsche 911 Turbo first, Ferrari 360, second,

438. Honda NSX was third.

439. - And the Jaguar was rubbish! - Yes!

440. It took 18.5 seconds to do the standing quarter-mile, which is pretty poor.

441. Should have put a German engine in it.

442. No, because that's exactly what they'd expect us to do.

443. - So we've got a secret weapon for the Jag.

444. And we'll have another go at it later on.

445. - Right! - What are you doing?

446. - I'm putting this on to honour our guest tonight.

447. Because, in the history of American cop shows,

448. this man has had his bottom chewed by an angry black police captain

449. more than anyone else.

450. Ladies and gentlemen, from Starsky and Hutch, David Soul!

451. - Hello! - Hello.

452. Have a seat.

453. Ah!

454. I think, I remember that from somewhere.

455. Well, actually, to be perfectly honest,

456. it wasn't you that wore the cardies, was it?

457. It certainly wasn't. You're trying a bit hard there with that cardigan.

458. - Think it's good? - Don't call it a cardigan, it's a sweater.

459. It's not... It's a cardigan!

460. - It does up.

461. So you were a bomber-jacket man, predominantly.

462. No, they dressed me in leather.

463. - Ooh, really? - Yeah.

464. So quite cool, compared to poor old Paul Michael Glaser.

465. Well, actually, the way we set the stand, they call it trends, whatever...

466. Of course, in the '70s, we didn't know we were setting a trend.

467. All we did was to fight.

468. "He's got a blue shirt, I want one like it." You know, that kind of thing.

469. But you must have always lost, because he got the cardigan...

470. Right, cardigan and a pair of jeans.

471. And he got the car, he got the Torino with the white stripe.

472. You got a leather bomber jacket, and what was your car?

473. - It was a Ford Fairlane. - Rubbish!

474. Actually, on a flat-out straight,

475. my car would outdo that red tomato.

476. - Really? - Yeah.

477. That's what I called it, the tomato. It's sitting over there.

478. Yeah, that thing over there, I know.

479. Did you have any idea when you were filming

480. how much of an impact that car had all over the world?

481. I mean, I grew up in Yorkshire.

482. In the town, everybody had a white stripe down the side

483. of their Nissan, or Datsun, as it was, 120Y.

484. Everybody thought they were Starsky and Hutch!

485. No, that's very true. It was, I mean, it was...

486. It was probably, next to... No, it was probably the star of the show, actually.

487. No, we won't have that! You were the stars of the show.

488. Thank you, I just wanted to hear you say that!

489. Were you aware of the impact you were having?

490. I was having, or the car was having?

491. I mean, the show was having.

492. - You were aware of it being this global... - Little by little.

493. You know, when you're... First of all, you're cloistered away

494. in a studio for the first year.

495. So you don't get out and see folks at all.

496. You're just working 18 hours a day, get the show out, you know?

497. And little by little, the popularity spread.

498. The first year, it didn't do very well. It wasn't really hot in our country.

499. And then the second year, it just took off.

500. - Mmm. - Cops loved it.

501. Four years on that show, I never got a ticket!

502. Really? Where was it filmed? Los Angeles?

503. It was in Los Angeles, all over Los Angeles.

504. But I remember driving down the Ventura Freeway at 110 miles an hour, you know,

505. weaving in and out of traffic.

506. I see the light behind me and said, "Oh, God! Here it comes."

507. The guy would finally pull... I'd slow down right away, the guy'd pull up next to me,

508. and then he'd recognise me in the car and he'd go...

509. - I get that. - You know?

510. Instead, I get, "Pull over.

511. "I'm gonna write you a ticket, and then you're gonna get fined and lose your licence."

512. We did finally get banned from downtown Los Angeles.

513. - Really? Why? - Well, because, you know...

514. Film companies are notorious for coming into somebody's community

515. and sort of taking it over, like,

516. - "It's your neighbourhood but it's my set." You know? - Yeah.

517. So you go downtown Los Angeles and get a couple of these chase scenes,

518. and Paul and I oftentimes would go out in the car on our own.

519. We'd turn on the camera, we'd turn on the sound, we'd turn on the lights,

520. we'd do the clap and we'd do the scene.

521. So you weren't sitting on the trailer?

522. Normally, you know, when they sit doing dramas...

523. They sit talking like this, never looking...

524. - You actually were driving it? - We did... Yeah...

525. In the beginning, it was, you know, "Put it on a trailer and drag it."

526. - Yeah. - That's no good.

527. You know, we wanted more of a sense of reality to the show.

528. Now, I think I'm right in saying,

529. looking down here at the people who've been on,

530. you are our first American guest.

531. Yeah.

532. Why can't the Americans make cars?

533. - Why... - No, it baffles me. I mean, the Mustang was a brief blip,

534. but otherwise, it's been 100 years of horror.

535. Well, um, I had a Corvette and I loved it.

536. What did you like about that?

537. Um, I realised a dream in that car.

538. I went out to the Mojave Desert with the girl I was with at that time,

539. and we took our clothes off.

540. Stark naked. Mojave Desert is huge,

541. and there's nothing but a straight road going across it.

542. And took that baby and just floored that sucker

543. and went 135, 140 miles an hour, stark naked in the middle of the desert.

544. I mean, that's a dream, right? A few things you wanna do before you turn...

545. I was just thinking, that is one of the...

546. - This huge list of things you must do before you die.

547. "Drive a Vette naked across the Mojave."

548. - Yeah, yeah, that was great. - Mmm, wouldn't be a Vette, though.

549. - That was a terrible... - Yeah, but we pulled up in Boot Hill,

550. and I won't tell you what happened then, but, uh...

551. - Yes, you will!

552. Of course, you're not here just to relive the olden days.

553. You're here to drive our reasonably priced car around our track.

554. - That was the idea. - That's the idea, absolutely.

555. And, uh, we had the car specially decorated for you.

556. Anyone wanna guess what we did to it?

557. Let's have a look at your lap.

558. Oh, no! God, no!

559. And here we go.

560. Ooh, dear, you're looking a bit concentrate-y there.

561. Now The Stig tells me that you were a very, very good driver.

562. I have to be honest. He reckoned you were the first guest

563. that really had a shot at beating Jay Kay,

564. who's our current leader on one minute 48 seconds.

565. A bit violent with the gearbox there, if I may just...

566. Well, I gotta tell you, the gear...

567. - Hold on a minute. It's just coming up... - All right.

568. What happened?

569. We've had... All these people have come on the show

570. and driven our reasonably priced car, our Suzuki Liana,

571. without a single bit of trouble.

572. We get the first American on,

573. and you broke it!

574. - You broke the gearbox!

575. But, okay, we have a backup Suzuki Liana,

576. just in case, by some miracle, it went wrong. We sent him out in that.

577. Let's have a look what happened, okay?

578. Second car, coming along. Into the next bit.

579. - Still being violent with the gearbox.

580. And, into the second-to-last corner.

581. - Last corner. - Oh,

582. And...

583. It's the second one you've broken.

584. Well, you didn't have to bring that up right now.

585. That's good. I mean, that'll ruin a show quick, huh?

586. "Ask Soul to come on. He'll blow two transmissions."

587. I can't believe this car!

588. Well, there we are, ladies and gentlemen. He broke two of them!

589. I'm sorry to have to break this one to you.

590. The clock was running on your first lap,

591. and you did set a time.

592. - Everybody thinks that's gonna be contrived, it's not. - Oh, no.

593. You have got a time, and I'm gonna write it out now.

594. Now, bear in mind, The Stig took this guy out,

595. and I'm not kidding, I'm not trying to make you feel any better,

596. I want you to feel worse, after what you've done to our precious car...

597. - Oh, no. - He said you were as good as Jay Kay

598. and that you were up for beating him.

599. But you didn't. In fact, what you did was

600. one minute and 54 seconds, ladies and gentlemen.

601. Well, that was...

602. That was coasting, the last 300 yards.

603. I know you were coasting, and otherwise you might have been up here.

604. - Yeah. - But you're not.

605. Ladies and gentlemen... We must save up and have you again.

606. - David Soul! Thanks.

607. - Thank you. - Thank you.

608. Now, we've got a bit of a theme developing tonight, bad cars.

609. And it seems a bad car can come from pretty much anywhere.

610. Yeah, well, as we've seen, Lexus,

611. you'd expect a Lexus to be good, but that is rubbish.

612. Hyundai, by contrast, your expectations are a bit lower,

613. but actually that coupe is a really good car.

614. And here's an even better example.

615. Look at that! It's a Vauxhall!

616. Bad.

617. No, you see, it's not. It's a good car.

618. 2.2-litre supercharged engine, 240 brake horsepower, rear-wheel drive,

619. - and look at it. Chrome vents on the bonnet... Mmm!

620. gorgeous lines. It is a beautiful-looking thing.

621. - Look at that interior! - Fantastic!

622. - Fantastic. - Okay, I'll give you that. That's a good Vauxhall.

623. - But... - It is.

624. what would you say if I said

625. - "Perodua Kelisa"? - Ooh, bless you.

626. - Prod-dod-ula? - No.

627. - Per-og-ulja.

628. - Per-rod-ula? - No.

629. - Per-rod-ua. - Produa!

630. Uh-oh!

631. - Prodja. - Near enough.

632. Prod... Proj... Produla!

633. This is a bacon sandwich.

634. And this is a car.

635. It isn't gonna get much more complicated than that,

636. because I'm in the Perodua Kelisa, Britain's cheapest new car.

637. It's yours from £5,000.

638. A bacon samie isn't drizzled with jus or served on a bed of,

639. and the Kelisa doesn't come with any fatuous brand attributes

640. or lifestyle marketing messages.

641. One is a basic meal, this is a basic car.

642. There was a time when Britain's cheapest motor

643. would have been something truly horrible.

644. Like a Lada, probably. But this is more promising.

645. It's made in Malaysia in a brand new factory

646. rather than being slung together

647. by some bunch of resentful communists in a pre-war gulag.

648. This has got everything you'd expect of a car.

649. It's got an engine.

650. Small, only three cylinders.

651. Seats.

652. Instruments.

653. The windows go up and down.

654. A boot!

655. It's built down to a price.

656. I mean, the dashboard's a bit shiny, to be honest, but it's all there.

657. It's got airbags.

658. Britain's cheapest car used to be a polite way of saying "pile of rubbish".

659. But not any more.

660. The Perodua is perfectly okay.

661. I wasn't really expecting any more than that,

662. and I certainly wasn't expecting to be entertained.

663. This whole car is full of "feel".

664. It's a simple thing. It's got small tyres,

665. the engine has to be thrashed if you want anything out of it.

666. So, you get a sense that there's really not very much between you and the oily bits

667. that are making the thing go.

668. The real secret, though, is that it's so light.

669. It's 150 kg lighter than the Ford Ka.

670. That's like throwing two passengers out straightaway. So it's really lively.

671. I actually like this. It's a bit of a laugh.

672. It's essence of driving, no garnish.

673. I'll probably get a bag of letters for saying this,

674. but it's the nearest thing I've driven to the original Mini.

675. Okay, it may not be a Ferrari, but James, I'm with you on this one.

676. I've driven the little Kelisa, and I think it's great.

677. - And, do you know, I love the little noises it makes. - Mmm!

678. 'Cause that little three-cylinder engine...

679. And I even love the clang when you slam the doors.

680. - "Clink." I like that. - Yeah, I know, it's a great car.

681. You weren't strictly honest, though, because that's not the five grand one, is it?

682. No, I did come over a bit sort of aspirational at the last minute,

683. and I got the GX with electric windows and two-tone seat upholstery.

684. It's, what, £5,800.

685. - That's still fantastic. - Brilliant.

686. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

687. It's made in a jungle clearing by someone who went to work on an ox!

688. No, I think you're completely missing the point.

689. I'm siding with him on this one. I think it's a cracker little car.

690. That is a good car.

691. Well, I can't be bothered to argue any more.

692. It may well be nice to drive, but I'm going to do a little experiment.

693. I've got the keys for it here, okay? And, um...

694. Okay, you. Right?

695. - How do I say it? - "Perodua."

696. "Perodua."

697. Perodua. Okay, watch this.

698. Perodua Kelisa, eh?

699. - Nothing. Yeah, all right.

700. Absolutely no response.

701. It ain't perfect, but it's good.

702. However,

703. you might be a little bit more interested,

704. and I'm not being sexist, you might be, too,

705. in what I'm gonna do now.

706. I'm going to make a pair of trousers.

707. Um, now I've got everything I need here,

708. I've got some material, there's a zip in here somewhere,

709. and I've got a Pfaff 2022 Lifestyle sewing machine.

710. Cutting edge.

711. Uh, round here, if we bring the camera around, I'll show you the controls.

712. That's the traction control, there.

713. There's my throttle, okay?

714. And, all we have to do, I've already started the strides here,

715. lift up the foot, plate lever, slide it in,

716. and this is not a joke, okay?

717. I know how to drive one of these things.

718. My mother used to have a soft toy factory.

719. I could sew before I could ride a bicycle.

720. And I can cook.

721. It's what makes me so attractive with women.

722. Why are they laughing again?

723. Anyway, here we go. I've got the foot lever down and, yup, here we go.

724. A simple seam, not going to bother with any overlocking.

725. Oh, my God!

726. This, I suspect, may take a little while.

727. So, I'll tell you what, we'll go away and do something else,

728. and then we'll come back later for a trouser update.

729. Right.

730. Well, earlier on, our glorious Jaguar XJS

731. was battered by the might of the world's supercars

732. in a straight-line fight on our test track.

733. But we're not going to leave it at that and give up.

734. We're going to go back for another go.

735. But this time, the Jag has got a little trick up its trousers.

736. So, the Top Gearwarhorse is going to take on the best the world has to offer.

737. How, you might ask, are we gonna do that?

738. We'll, we're going to cheat, obviously.

739. And we're going to do it with the help of the wizards of NOS.

740. NOS is Nitrous Oxide System, that's this stuff.

741. And the guys who fit it are the wizards.

742. Trevor, you've put all this in our car,

743. how much difference is this going to make?

744. Well, the system's got the ability to deliver up to 500 horsepower extra.

745. - 500 horsepower, over and above. - That's right.

746. Just very, very simply, how does it work?

747. We feed oxygen in the form of nitrous oxide into the engine.

748. We mix that with an extra supply of fuel.

749. The combination of the two, burnt in the engine, will produce more power.

750. What if you get it in the wrong percentages?

751. If we put too much fuel in, it'll just belch out black smoke out the exhaust

752. and it'll reduce power.

753. If we put too much nitrous in, it could melt something.

754. - What, like the engine? - Like the engine, yes.

755. So you're probably going to break our car.

756. And there they are, £500,000 worth of supercars, nearly,

757. against £250 worth of rusty Jag,

758. albeit with a few hundred quid of nitrous added on.

759. I just hope it makes it to the start line.

760. So, for this run, the nitrous will give our old heap an extra 200 horsepower,

761. making a total of 500.

762. But will that be enough? And will it hold together?

763. Oh, yes. And straightaway, you can see the difference!

764. It's blowing away the Venturi, the Corvette, the Honda, and even the Ferrari 360.

765. But the big question is, can it hold off that mighty Porsche 911 Turbo?

766. Yes! It can!

767. Ah! Fantastic. There's life in the old warhorse yet.

768. It just goes to show. £250 worth of Jag, about £500 worth of nitrous,

769. and it'll do a standing quarter in 13 seconds.

770. And that's faster, as we've just shown,

771. than a Porsche 911 Turbo and a Ferrari 360.

772. Now for some more trouser action.

773. Thanks, Richard. And I've got some good news.

774. My trousers are finished.

775. And I've got a member of the production team

776. to model them for me, ladies and gentlemen.

777. I don't understand how that happened.

778. I mean, I know how to sew, I had the material, I had the zip.

779. I've just made a complete hash of it.

780. And that's exactly what happened with the BMW Z8.

781. BMW had the best brains in the business.

782. They had this wonderful-looking body,

783. they had the engine from an M5, a trick rear axle,

784. they even got James Bond to drive one.

785. It should've been spectacularly good.

786. But that's just what they were expecting it to be.

787. Instead, it turned out to be awful.

788. Let me show you what it was like to drive.

789. Ah, yes. This is exactly what a Z8 feels like to drive.

790. It's that same sense of, "Ooh! What's gonna happen next?"

791. The problem was, they didn't know what they wanted the Z8 to be,

792. sports car, muscle car, boulevard cruiser.

793. And it's ended up as a sort of browny green mush of all three.

794. Happily, BMW recently announced that they're going to stop making it.

795. But, before it's consigned to the dusty vaults of history,

796. a German engineering company has had one last-ditch attempt to get it right.

797. This is the Alpina Z8.

798. You can tell it's an Alpina because of its huge wheels and tyres,

799. and also because it says "Alpina" on the back.

800. Inside, they've made merry with the blue suede and the equally blue dials.

801. It must be said, this looks just as good as the original,

802. and it's just as left-hand drive as the original.

803. But does it go any better?

804. Well, after much careful deliberation, the simple answer is

805. no.

806. And that's the problem.

807. Hold your camera!

808. That's exactly the problem, he can't hold his camera

809. because you correct the slide, you get it all held perfectly,

810. and then the whole body weight as you come back in line is hurled the other way,

811. and you get this sort of pendulum effect.

812. Ain't no sports car, that's for sure.

813. Getting it round a corner is like trying to get a wardrobe up a fire escape.

814. It's very hard work, and it's hard to see where you're going.

815. Well, dearie me. It really doesn't like this sort of treatment.

816. So, if Alpina haven't made it handle any better, what have they done?

817. Well, the first thing they did was take out the standard 5-litre engine

818. and replace it with their own 4.8.

819. Smaller engine, less power.

820. This must be the first-ever tuned car that's slower than the original.

821. Then they took out the six-speed manual gearbox

822. and fitted their own five-speed automatic.

823. This is not looking good.

824. And it gets worse, because then they set about the suspension and steering,

825. adding some Lenor fabric softener to the mix.

826. So the whole car should then be as kind to your hands

827. as Nanette Newman in a pashmina.

828. It all sounds terribly weird.

829. But there was some method in their madness.

830. What they've tried to do is focus the Z8.

831. Forget the idea of it being a sports car or a muscle car.

832. They've tried to make it a pure West Coast cruising machine.

833. It's now aimed at the sort of person

834. who cares more about their underpants than their understeer.

835. The sort of person who wants to dawdle along top down with a burble from the exhaust

836. and a Pete Cetera warble from the stereo.

837. Unfortunately, it hasn't worked.

838. - The exhaust doesn't burble. Listen.

839. That's a shriek.

840. And to drive, it still feels like a coffee table.

841. The suspension's still far too hard

842. and the steering's still far too heavy. It's...

843. It's a heffalump.

844. In fact, I have to be honest,

845. I am hard pressed to tell this car from the original.

846. Weird to report, then, that the price has gone up from £80,000 to 95,000.

847. One more thing.

848. There's only 11 Alpina Z8s coming to Britain.

849. And Ronan Keating has bought one of them.

850. Just thought you ought to know.

851. Alpina is a good company. They've been doing good things with BMWs

852. for 30 years or more, but I think that Z8's just like a delinquent child.

853. It was born bad, it's always going to be bad.

854. On that basis, we weren't going to bother taking it round the track.

855. I mean, only Ronan Keating would be interested in the outcome.

856. Problem was The Stig.

857. He has been beside himself with excitement all day

858. because his hero's been here, the king of easy listening, David Soul.

859. He wanted to go and show off, so we had to let him, really.

860. And he's off the line.

861. Hardly any wheel spin there. David Soul's not going to be impressed with that.

862. Now remember, this car has less horsepower than the standard Z8.

863. That's touching, isn't it?

864. Stig's been stalking David all day long, really.

865. Ooh! Here he comes, up to the Hammerhead now.

866. Dab of the brakes, into the corner, running wide.

867. - Listen to the tyres howl!

868. Running wide! More oversteer!

869. Now, down to the fearsome Follow-Through...

870. Ooh! That looked quick.

871. Touch of the brakes. That's unusual. Even The Stig is struggling with the Alpina.

872. - Very unpredictable handling.

873. Into Gambon. Really sideways! And there he is, across the line!

874. Now, you saw how hard The Stig was struggling with the car there, yes?

875. Yeah. Yeah.

876. Well, you're not going to believe the time he did it in.

877. One minute, 29 seconds.

878. Exactly the same as a Lamborghini Murcielago.

879. He is good, isn't he? He is.

880. - That Stig is... That's amazing.

881. That was an incredible time.

882. And that's just about the end of the show.

883. Uh, David Soul is now leaving the premises

884. to get away, I suspect, from The Stig.

885. And on that cardboard bombshell, it's the end.

886. Next week, there'll be no sewing, you'll be delighted to hear.

887. We'll be back to doing what we do best,

888. making smoke in a big Aston Martin.

889. See you then. Night!

890. Not too bad, eh?