Top Gear 2x2

1. On tonight's Top Gear,

2. Jamie Oliver's meals on wheels...

3. Oh, my Lord!

4. A German sledgehammer in a velvet bag,

5. and which is the fastest political party?

6. Hello and welcome. We've got a bit of a luxury theme going on tonight.

7. We've got a drinks globe with some Tia Maria in it,

8. we've got an onyx coffee table.

9. That is a sumptuous Wall's Viennetta,

10. and appropriately enough, that is the new Rolls-Royce Phantom.

11. Have you ever seen anything quite so enormous?

12. I mean, look at this. This is the wheel from our Suzuki Liana.

13. Now, compare it, if you will, to the wheel of the Rolls-Royce. (CHUCKLES)

14. And that is its engine! A 6.7 litre V12.

15. The last time I was in anything that had an engine that big,

16. it had a captain!

17. Everything about this car is vast.

18. So to test it,

19. I took it to the home of that other great automotive colossus.

20. - John Prescott. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

21. I went to Hull.

22. So, let's see. Is this car good enough to wear the flying lady?

23. Or shall we keep her hidden in shame?

24. This is nice. Instead of a rev counter, I've got a power reserve dial.

25. I'm currently doing 60 miles an hour and according to that,

26. I've got 90% of the engine's power still in reserve,

27. just in case of emergencies.

28. That's good.

29. In the old Rolls-Royces, the ones from the '60s and '70s, '80s even,

30. there was wind noise, there was tyre noise, there was engine noise.

31. The only reason you could hear the clock ticking at 100 miles an hour

32. is because the clock was so damn loud!

33. But this is like a whisper in the vestry.

34. It's a frugal car, too.

35. I drove it up to Yorkshire yesterday, and got 18 miles to the gallon!

36. So it's quieter and more economical than I was expecting.

37. And it's easier to drive.

38. I imagined that driving this car through a village

39. would be a bit like trying to thread an oil rig through someone's letter box.

40. But it's not that difficult, actually, I mean, I know it's 14 miles long,

41. but it's actually quite narrow. It's six inches narrower,

42. for instance, than a Range Rover. So it's quite easy, relatively.

43. I'm not distracted by toys, either.

44. In most luxury cars there are thousands and thousands of buttons

45. which let you tailor everything, "just so".

46. But let me show you the radio in this as a prime example of what I'm on about.

47. There's one knob.

48. - You push it and Terry Wogan comes into the car. - (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

49. Turn it and he gets louder.

50. And you push it again and he goes away.

51. Then there's the gear arrangement.

52. Tiptronic? I don't think so.

53. I've got backwards, neutral and forwards. And that's it.

54. It seems this car represents an old-fashioned approach to luxury motoring.

55. And I rather like that.

56. Normally, I must be honest,

57. I don't find the doors on a car particularly interesting.

58. Unless...

59. it doesn't have any.

60. But, look at this.

61. Not only does this open backwards,

62. but in here we find...

63. An umbrella.

64. Rolls-Royce is making a big deal about this.

65. And I'm not entirely certain why, because you get exactly the same thing

66. on a Skoda Superb.

67. It's the only thing that's "superb" about it.

68. Inside I simply push this button here to close the door

69. because obviously I can't be bothered to do it myself

70. and then I'm cocooned in this world of elegant simplicity.

71. I love this leather work here and the aluminium.

72. Look at this Art Deco light in here

73. and in the door handles, and in the roof.

74. That is fabulous.

75. Then you've got the thick carpets, and these picnic tables.

76. You might think that the back is the best place to be.

77. Calming, nice.

78. But actually, the Rolls is amazingly good fun to drive.

79. Nought to 60 in 5.7 seconds and a top speed of 150.

80. That's fast by anyone's standards,

81. especially as the wheels don't appear to be going round.

82. And it's not just good in a straight line, either.

83. Don't misunderstand me. It's pretty far from sporty.

84. But it's not a hovercraft, either.

85. I didn't want to like this car.

86. I wanted to say it was too big, too German, too vulgar.

87. But it's completely won me over.

88. Ever since it began, Rolls-Royce has been saying

89. that it makes the best car in the world.

90. Now,

91. for 80 years that hasn't really been the case.

92. It is now, though!

93. Once again, the Spirit of Ecstasy is just that.

94. And here we are, at journey's end.

95. The real reason for coming to Hull,

96. the Humber Bridge.

97. For 17 years, the longest suspension bridge in the world.

98. The towers are one-and-a-half inches further apart at the top

99. than they are at the bottom,

100. thanks to the curvature of the earth.

101. There's enough steel in the cabling here to go round the world twice.

102. And it's British steel, British designed,

103. British-engineered and British-built with British money.

104. We have the talent in this country to make stuff like this.

105. So, why can't we do it today?

106. The design of this car is British.

107. The chief engineer who worked on it is British.

108. But the engine comes in a box from Germany.

109. So does the gearbox, so do the brakes,

110. so does the suspension, so does the body.

111. Even the leather on the seats comes from a flock of cows in Bavaria.

112. All we do in this country is,

113. put all the bits together and nail the dashboard in place.

114. It's pathetic.

115. This is a great car. An awesome car.

116. A bit showy, perhaps, and hard to park, but mostly,

117. a majestic, inspiring, serene and glorious blend

118. of style and engineering.

119. I just wish it was like the Humber Bridge.

120. I wish it was something we could be proud of.

121. Well, thanks, Jeremy! You've made me feel really good about being British...

122. - And stupid. - And useless.

123. I know, I'm sorry about that.

124. The thing is, the British and the Germans

125. together can actually do some pretty good stuff, I think.

126. What about the new Mini?

127. - Yeah. - What about the new Range Rover?

128. - Mmm. - And this.

129. You're absolutely right! You are right, actually.

130. Germans, left to their own devices, I mean, they're useless.

131. They'll be in a pair of leather shorts, off down with some oompah music

132. to design a Mercedes Maybach.

133. Now that's... Yeah, Maybach's a good case in point.

134. It costs the same as this, £250,000.

135. It's about the same size as this,

136. but all that is, is a stretched Mercedes.

137. And they've, sort of, shoved a branch of Dixons into the front

138. and then fitted some sort of DFS leatherette reclining sofas in the back.

139. This is the only true luxury car in the world.

140. - And I can explain why. Come and have a look at this. - Mmm.

141. Now, they could've taken a big BMW and stuffed it full of kit, as you said.

142. But they went to this and they thought, "What is luxury really about?"

143. It's not about gadgets and shag pile everywhere, is it?

144. It's about peace and quiet, and light and air and space.

145. - Mmm. - Big space!

146. - You can't have a luxury caravan, can you? - No, you can't.

147. Um, Rolls-Royce does have a problem, though.

148. Because... I was talking to an Arab friend of mine the other day, lives in Dubai.

149. He's got a Ferrari F40, an F50, he's got an Enzo coming.

150. He's got a Bentley Arnage T, a Jaguar XJ220, a Porsche 959

151. - and a Toyota Previa for his wife, obviously. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

152. And he was saying,

153. "Now, I'm not gonna buy one of those new Rolls-Royces, they're too flash."

154. He's right, 'cause I look at that

155. beautiful, half naked woman on the top of that radiator grille

156. and do you know what pops into my head?

157. - What? - Jimmy Savile.

158. And this really is it. This is the crux.

159. Rolls-Royce has built a magnificent car.

160. They must now be incredibly careful who they sell it to.

161. Nobody called James. James Savile, James Greaves, no.

162. James Tarbuck, not a chance.

163. James... You! James May, he can't have one either. Sorry, mate.

164. All of which brings this to the Cool Board. Where does the Rolls go?

165. Well, right now it has been properly "Tarbucked" with the Savile brush.

166. And that means...

167. It can only be uncool, I'm afraid.

168. But I'm gonna put this proviso on it.

169. It's gonna stay there until the first time I open my copy of Heat magazine

170. and I see one of these pulling up outside a nightclub

171. and a member of AC/DC falling out of the back, into a pool of his own sick.

172. Then it's gonna go from there, straight to there.

173. It'll never happen. It'll never happen.

174. Sadly, no rock star will ever buy the Rolls-Royce.

175. It's too big to fit in a swimming pool.

176. Um, the Ferrari Enzo?

177. - Mmm. - There's been three of these sold in this country so far,

178. and I think, I'm right in saying, all of them to rock stars.

179. - Is that right? - True enough. Yeah.

180. Eric Clapton, we think, has one.

181. - We know Jay Kay has got one. - Yes.

182. And the drummer of Pink Floyd is getting one.

183. But the funny thing is, even with the rock star effect...

184. - Yeah... - It's still not a cool car.

185. - What do we think? - (INDISTINCT RESPONSE FROM AUDIENCE)

186. - It's trying too hard. Cool.

187. Hold on a minute, why is the Ferrari Enzo cool?

188. It's got everything that the McLaren F1 was 10 years ago.

189. They're trying to replicate it and I think, for that, it's cool.

190. - I was nodding off in the middle of that explanation. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

191. You see, where they're going wrong is this...

192. - It's screaming... - The Kristin Scott Thomas test.

193. - Precisely. - Here she is, okay, look.

194. Her, if you pull up to take her out in a Ferrari Enzo,

195. she'll say, "No, do you mind if we go in my husband's Renault Laguna?"

196. I've got, um, the new Audi A3.

197. Cool. - Which...

198. - No, that's uncool! - Hold on a minute.

199. There's a man here, I happen to know has an A3.

200. They're wonderful cars to drive.

201. - You've got a beard! - (LAUGHS) So?

202. It's... If you're gonna have an Audi,

203. buy an Audi, not a VW Golf that looks like an Audi.

204. That... I'm sorry, I believe that to be an uncool car.

205. - No, it isn't. It's a cool car. - It's uncool!

206. Now, I'm sorry, I know he's got a beard, but I think that's a cool car.

207. - That is so wrong! - No, it isn't, it's cool.

208. - And if you wanna do something about it... - (HAMMOND GROANS)

209. I like a reasoned debate.

210. Now, I think that's pretty much...

211. Actually, no, I think I'm gonna put this Alfa up here.

212. No!

213. Yes! - Yes! Thank you, yes.

214. No, it's just escalating... (LAUGHS)

215. Well, I'll let you have that one.

216. Now, a few weeks ago, there were some local elections

217. and the turnout was dreadful.

218. People immediately started wailing about voter apathy

219. and, "Oh, this is the death of democracy."

220. It's got nothing to do with any of that.

221. It's because it's boring. Voting is boring, isn't it?

222. So we thought maybe we could revolutionise democracy

223. by deciding the result of the next general election

224. using an MG ZR race car and our test track.

225. All of the major political parties

226. have sent along representatives to take part in this election,

227. and the first of them is from the Legalise Cannabis Alliance.

228. - Big party? Small party? - Small party.

229. This is Mark Gibson. Good luck.

230. - From the Official Monster Raving Loony Party... - (CHEERING)

231. Um, this is Alan "Howling Laud" Hope.

232. Alan has no experience of this sort of thing,

233. but he does have a Hyundai Sonata and a cat that died recently, apparently.

234. High hopes here, I'm sure!

235. Um, now from the Green Party, Iain Dickson.

236. - Hello. - You do know what you're here to do,

237. this is racing and stuff, don't you?

238. - Exactly! Yes. - There's no bus lane out there.

239. - No, it's okay! - And you'll have to take your cycle clips off.

240. All right, good luck, but we'll see how you do.

241. From the Liberal Democrat Party, John Ault.

242. - Hello, John. - (AUDIENCE BOOING)

243. - (MUTTERS) - It's getting scary in here!

244. Now, I was told, and I don't know if this is right,

245. but you're the only Lib Dem opposed to speed bumps.

246. I'm sure I'm not the only one, I don't particularly like them,

247. unless there's two close together so I can jump the second one!

248. From the Labour Party, Richard Burden.

249. - Now, you have done quite a bit of racing. - (MAN YELLS)

250. It's one. That's good. (LAUGHS)

251. - You're doing well, mate. - I am.

252. Richard Burden, you have done a fair bit of racing...

253. - Bits and pieces. - Now we have to see what happens to you.

254. And finally, from the Tory party...

255. The Shadow Defence Secretary himself, Bernard Jenkin.

256. Well, this isn't Bernard Jenkin, obviously, this is a model of him.

257. Bernard can't make it here tonight because he's in Iraq.

258. I don't know why you'd want to be in Iraq.

259. Um... Oh, that's your fault!

260. Because your boss was told by his boss in America to have a war

261. - and he did and Bernard can't be here with us tonight. - He's gone.

262. I haven't gone, he's gone.

263. - Well, he managed to make it for the big day. - He did.

264. So we'll see how he did.

265. Just think, by the end of tonight we could have a new government.

266. So, we'll find out how they all did a bit later on.

267. But first, it's time for the news.

268. Now, anyone who's seen an aerial photograph of London

269. can't help but to notice that there is an enormous blue bus lane

270. running right through the middle of it which is called the Thames.

271. It's a perfectly good idea, get buses off the road

272. and make them go down the river.

273. And we've had a letter from a company this week,

274. saying they've built just such a thing. Look at that.

275. It's a bus boat.

276. It's a bus, goes down the river and then it just pulls out at the far end.

277. That's fantastic! It is.

278. The bloke says, he spent all his money on it and he wants backing.

279. Well, you're not getting any from us, sunshine.

280. We spend all our money on petrol and crisps.

281. Well, we're not going to give you any money.

282. But we do give you our backing,

283. anything that gets buses off the road is a good idea.

284. I've got one here, combines two activities, okay?

285. Spending time in traffic, we all have to do it, it's no fun, we know that.

286. This is a new service. It's called "motor flirting".

287. - Motor what? - Motor flirting.

288. And essentially, boils down to this,

289. (STUTTERS) Members display a discreet, it says discreet,

290. sticker in the back window of their car,

291. - with Motor Flirt logo on it. Hmm.

292. And then, another member, when they see that, and they think,

293. "Ah, he or she looks quite nice."

294. They can contact this service, and give them the registration number

295. and they can send text messages to that person.

296. This means a load of fat, ugly blokes are gonna be sending each other text messages!

297. - Him! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

298. And him! These two will be texting each other. Let's have a look.

299. Yeah. That's basically what it is.

300. "Nice car and dishy driver.

301. "Instead of gazing longingly through the windscreen,

302. "you can text the motorist you fancy!"

303. There you go, have that! You have the number, all the details on it.

304. I can straightaway see another use for this, because it means

305. you can finally contact people in other cars around you.

306. You're on the motorway. Say it's not foggy.

307. Say... And somebody in front has, let's imagine, their fog light on.

308. You can send them a playful little text message to the effect...

309. "Turn it off! Turn it off. 123-year-old man, turn it off!"

310. - Yes, precisely! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

311. - What have you got, James? - Well, I've got the new BMW 5 Series,

312. which is coming out in September. Here's a picture of it.

313. They've come up with something called "active steering".

314. Oh, God.

315. Well, this is... I think that sounds quite encouraging, active steering.

316. Now before you knock it, I've tried this on a prototype.

317. Because they brought it round to our big house where we all live together

318. but these two were out and I had a go in it.

319. And it's actually rather good, because...

320. Normally, if you're going round in Sainsbury's car park at any speed, okay?

321. You go down those little things and you have to do all that

322. "Institute of Advanced Motorists" feed the wheel stuff.

323. With this, you just hold the wheel, quarter to three,

324. like the Institute of Advanced Motorists,

325. but you just do this and the car goes round a right angle.

326. Okay, if you get on the motorway or a German Autobahn doing 130

327. and that same movement just gives you a gentle lane change.

328. - The steering knows how fast you're going. That's ridiculous!

329. - That's stupid! It's not. It's clever!

330. It isn't, I'd always forget, I'd be just going through a car park and I'd do that

331. and I'd just drive straight into another car!

332. Or on the motorway, "Oh, bloody hell, I'm going the wrong way."

333. No, Jeremy! Steering is something you do instinctively!

334. Isn't it? Don't you...

335. That's just stupid.

336. I'll tell you what, I was driving my car, this one's a Mercedes, okay?

337. I was driving through East London, this week, and I got shot, okay?

338. - Eh? - Now the thing... I was shot.

339. At last!

340. They didn't hit me, but hit the... Obviously the windscreen.

341. - What with? - AK-47.

342. Okay, now in the olden days you used to ring up a repair glass company.

343. They send a man around and it was 50 quid,

344. and you out a new one and you claimed on insurance, yes?

345. Not any more. My windscreen has got

346. aerials in it and heating elements and light sensors and rain sensors.

347. They have had to take the car away, it'll cost £20 trillion

348. and they've kept it overnight 'cause they say that the glue's got to set!

349. Did they by any chance try telling you that the glue'll

350. set better if it's left parked outside a nightclub all night maybe?

351. - Ugh! - Gay nightclub.

352. - Probably. - (ALL LAUGHING)

353. It's not a gay car.

354. (CLEARS THROAT) It is now.

355. - It is now. Yeah. All right. Is it my turn? - It is.

356. Uh, oh, this Lexus.

357. It's the RX 300.

358. They're bringing a new model in, here it is.

359. And they're talking about, it's got a whole load of new features on it,

360. all of which is supposed to be amazing.

361. It's got a driver's knee airbag.

362. - Ooh! - What?

363. They've looked, Hammond, and they thought,

364. "How many airbags have everyone else got?"

365. We've got one for the eyelashes, one for your ears,

366. one for your ankles, we better do one for the knees! So they've got a knee airbag.

367. It's got a colour rear-view camera.

368. - Uh, no... The Nissan Primera. - Primera's gone up...

369. - No! It's black and white. - That's black and white.

370. - Oh, yeah! - Yes, you have to get a more expensive...

371. Television licence to reverse that!

372. What was the matter with the rear-view mirror?

373. This is what I'm talking about, complication, what was the matter?

374. You can't get Teletext on it maybe.

375. I'll just back up and check on my share prices.

376. Well, anyway, if you want a Lexus

377. and you wanna look like a Los Angeles drug dealer, there you are.

378. Now...

379. There's a million new little cars come out every single week.

380. And they're all much of a muchness, they're all fine. But this week...

381. There's a new Daihatsu Charade out.

382. It's being launched next month. We had a go in it this morning.

383. - It's fantastic! It's excellent!

384. We've got a picture of it here. It's about two inches tall, okay?

385. Now, you get electric windows,

386. you get anti-lock brakes

387. you get a one litre, three cylinder engine, does 100 miles an hour,

388. tons of space and do you wanna know how much it costs?

389. £5,995.

390. But did you notice that when you put the ignition key in and turn it on,

391. there's a little display on the dash and it says,

392. "Hello, Happy."

393. Yes, it does!

394. They've always had a bit of a problem with this Japanese translation thing.

395. I mean, they've improved the cars now,

396. but I've got at home, I've got the handbook

397. from an early 1970s Datsun.

398. And there's a bit in there about adjusting the seat.

399. And right in the middle of it, it says,

400. "Cement the driver's arm to the handle."

401. And then, in the index under "H" it's got,

402. "How To Open The Bonnet."

403. I had a good one with Daihatsu.

404. So, they once flew me first class,

405. before, I was working for the BBC,

406. they flew me first class all the way to Japan via Hong Kong

407. and then back through Maui and San Francisco.

408. And I arrived in Japan to drive their new Charade.

409. This was, I don't know, in the late '80s.

410. I did half a lap of the track and crashed it.

411. - (ALL LAUGHING) - Well done!

412. Those guys were, (IN JAPANESE ACCENT) "Oh, don't worry,

413. "we make one every 23 seconds!"

414. - After you'd grovelled for a half an hour or so... - Yeah, that's it.

415. Right, that's the end of the news.

416. Right, back to tonight's theme, luxury.

417. The thing is, it doesn't have to cost a fortune.

418. I found how you can buy a proper piece of British luxury,

419. the kind of thing we've been talking about,

420. for £8,000.

421. It's this, the Rover P5.

422. The Queen of England had a Rover P5.

423. I know that because I'm sitting in it.

424. This is the Queen's Rover P5.

425. Now when she ordered this car, she already had a fleet of Rolls-Royces.

426. But they were all chauffeur-driven.

427. This, she drove herself. This was more your midweek luxury.

428. There were two shapes, the rigidly upright saloon.

429. And then, there was this, the coupe,

430. which, despite being the coupe, still had four doors.

431. But it's this lowered roofline that butches up the image

432. and somehow makes it look more...

433. Caddish.

434. Inside it might have been the poor man's Roller, but it was still luxurious.

435. The holy trinity are here, leather, wood and shag pile.

436. It's solid, regal and dignified.

437. In fact the phrase, "Gentleman's club on wheels", maybe a tired old cliche today

438. but it was actually coined for this car.

439. It was the backbone of England.

440. Harold Wilson had one and he had a pipe rest fitted to it.

441. Maggie Thatcher, when she was driving around shouting at trade unionists,

442. she had one.

443. But underneath all that cosy tradition, there was modernity.

444. Because this was the first time Rover built a car using a monocoque shell.

445. But when it first arrived,

446. it could've handled worse than a Sumo wrestler at a roller disco,

447. because it barely had enough power to challenge even the most rotten of chassis.

448. It struggled along with Rover's flaccid three-litre straight six

449. between 1958 and 1967.

450. And yet, the P5... It would do 60 miles an hour,

451. but it took 17 seconds to get there.

452. And, yes, it would do 100 miles an hour, but not without a fight.

453. Then in 1967, the Rover P5 finally got the engine it deserved.

454. And the Rover three and a half litre V8 was born.

455. The old girl finally had enough grunt

456. to shake the rough shag out of Wilson's pipe.

457. It does make a nice noise.

458. That is a great noise! The trees are moving a bit faster as well.

459. Shame, really, because,

460. it all happened in the same year

461. that his Transport minister, Barbara Castle

462. introduced the 70 miles an hour speed limit.

463. So the 3.5 litre V8 engine, Rover P5B coupe

464. is clearly the one to go for if you're buying one today.

465. And I think you should.

466. Because you can get a really good one for £7,000, 8,000

467. and a really, really good one if you're prepared to get closer to £10,000, 11,000.

468. I mean, sure, like an elderly relative, it will need occasional care and attention

469. and you'll have to keep an eye on it.

470. And, no, it hasn't got satellite-navigated,

471. remote-controlled, airbag operated gizmos.

472. But it's got something else. It's got innate luxuriousness. It's ingrained.

473. Like that Rolls-Royce, the Rover had luxury built into it.

474. And it's as English as an oven glove with cats on it.

475. Just think how comforting its sturdy, upright posture must've seemed

476. to the ex-public schoolboys running the nation's banks,

477. industry and, indeed, the nation.

478. When you're used to a regime of cold baths and cross-country running,

479. a big, matronly Rover P5 must've been a welcome sight.

480. It's a plate full of mashed potato on a wooden refectory table.

481. Comfort food. I want to call it Nursey.

482. In fact, I bet some people did.

483. Because just like Nursey,

484. the P5's, perhaps, rather starchy exterior conceals a warm and comforting bosom

485. that just for a brief while, makes everything all right with the world.

486. Now...

487. Last weekend, Channel 4 ran a programme

488. and named the 100 worst Britons.

489. I was a deserving 66.

490. But, my guest tonight thrashed me.

491. So, please welcome Britain's 28th worst person,

492. Jamie Oliver!

493. Jamie...

494. - That was a man! - Oh, no, I thought it was a bird.

495. I think his name's Cindy.

496. It isn't Cindy, mate. It's a bloke.

497. Anyway, this is our luxury programme, so have a Rocher.

498. Thank you very much.

499. Have you ever had one of those?

500. It's a Malteser that's won the pools.

501. No, the things always get stuck in my throat.

502. They get stuck on there, 'cause we glued them together so they'd stop nicking them.

503. Now, let's talk about some cars...

504. Or actually... No, let's not. Let's talk about your scooter.

505. - Yeah. - Why? Why do you have a scooter?

506. Uh, because the scooter's probably...

507. I think, scooters are probably the fastest method of travel in London, really.

508. I'm fed up with sitting in traffic in London. It's a terrible city.

509. Drives me mad.

510. I know, but a scooter, if you leave it to its own devices...

511. - I'd beat any Ferrari in London. Easy. - No, you won't.

512. - I swear to you. - 3:00 in the morning, Baker Street.

513. - All right, fair enough. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

514. You had a bit of a crash on it, didn't you, on television?

515. Several! Oh, God, yeah, lately! Yeah. Yeah.

516. Tell the nice people what happened when you went on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

517. We were in Chicago and went on the Oprah Winfrey Show,

518. and it's quite exciting because it's quite hard to get on there.

519. And they did this little VT of the things I've done.

520. And then, "With Jamie Oliver!"

521. And I opened the door and I drove in between the audience.

522. And all I remember, a very proud moment in my life,

523. this beautifully lit studio, wonderful flowers and Oprah smiling at me.

524. And as I got closer... You know sometimes when cars

525. or things slip and you think, "Oh, I better correct it a bit"?

526. Well, there was none of that. I just went straight on the floor.

527. And I just skidded on my front about four or five metres.

528. They had an awkward family of eaters from Chicago, in this table,

529. for four, in the corner and I was going straight for them!

530. It was just a really, really scary moment, but it was great.

531. Did they leave it in?

532. They did, yeah. They thought I was a stunt man.

533. Still, having a scooter is better than your car.

534. Well, not really, 'cause it's a bit cold, a bit wet. Very dangerous.

535. And you've got a Maserati.

536. Yeah. Yeah.

537. Would you like to explain, what on Earth possessed you to do that?

538. I love it!

539. It looks beautiful, I think they're great value.

540. I think they're very fast, they sound beautiful. Do you not agree, guys?

541. - Have you seen it? - You're not gonna get them to agree!

542. Oh...

543. These people know about cars. That's why they've come to the Top Gear show.

544. Yeah. But you drive a hairdresser's car, mate. What can you say?

545. And you know what, your Stig took me out in it today,

546. scared the life out of me. I've never been so scared in all of my life.

547. And, um... He crashed it. (LAUGHS)

548. Did he?

549. - He crashed it on the corner. He smashed up all the wheels. - Good Stig! That's one less.

550. How did he do it?

551. After, he said, "I'm sorry about that, J.

552. "I could've missed that ditch, but I wanted to show you how it goes sideways."

553. Thanks very much!

554. Seriously.

555. We can actually prove... I'm sorry to have to do this to you, Jamie...

556. We rang your restaurant just to find out how much

557. you and your business knows about cars.

558. - Right. - Yeah.

559. - We rang... And if you ring, It's 15, yeah? - Yeah.

560. I don't mind saying that.

561. If you ring, you get a recorded message saying you can have lunch in...

562. Oh, three or four months?

563. July, I think it is. And if you want dinner you have to wait till...

564. - December. - Three or four months. Yeah, it's a long time.

565. So we said, "Could we have a table for four, for Nigel Mansell?"

566. Guess when they said he could have a table.

567. - Three or four months? - Friday.

568. - Really? - You don't want monobrow in your restaurant, okay?

569. He's not coming. It was a trick, so when you get back cross him out of the book...

570. Okay.

571. Don't forget, we are a charity, mate. So you know...

572. Do you know what's even funnier?

573. We rang up the next day and we booked a table for Gilles Villeneuve.

574. He's dead!

575. You know what I did the other day?

576. I phoned up my own restaurant and pretended to be you,

577. and they wouldn't give me a table till December!

578. - You are an Essex boy, yeah? - Yes.

579. Do you do the Essex thing with cars, do you tart them up and so on?

580. I don't know what it is, I think it's the lead in the water or something,

581. but everyone buys really dodgy cars and does 'em up with spoilers and...

582. At one point my car was worth 800 quid, and my stereo was worth 1,300 quid!

583. It's just pathetic, but I was there, so I'm guilty.

584. And you're still at it today, really, you've claimed to have grown up but...

585. You've got a camper van.

586. - Oh, yeah. - But it's not a normal camper van.

587. It's a beautiful thing, yeah.

588. Just talk us through it.

589. It's there. It's there. It's behind us!

590. I love it dearly. I just wish it worked more reliably.

591. What have you done to that?

592. Well, I've kept it looking pretty original,

593. but I've got, like the little bits and pieces,

594. a pull-out double bed, a kitchen in the back, TV, DVD and all that sort of stuff.

595. But most importantly, I've got a Porsche 3.6 litre engine in the back, which...

596. This is it, okay? We had this brilliant idea, where we thought

597. we'd see if Jamie could do some cooking in his van,

598. while going round our track with the Stig driving.

599. Anyone want to see what happened?

600. - I'd love to. Yes!

601. What we're gonna make today is a beautiful salad of mozzarella,

602. fig, rocket, mint, all those beautiful things.

603. I wanna tear up my mozzarella...

604. I wanna take the tips off of my figs.

605. Oh, my Lord...

606. And what I wanna do, is...

607. Put a little olive oil in...

608. Just dress the salad...

609. I'm still making the salad!

610. Basically, if you toss this up and put that on there...

611. Hopefully, it'll look nice.

612. That was horrible, and I, honestly, felt really sick afterwards.

613. Was he really going for it?

614. He was really going for it, but I couldn't see anything going on.

615. So, all I'd know is, every now and again

616. when I thought things were going quite well,

617. 'cause I really wanted to show off and make it good,

618. "Whatever he does, I'll make it look beautiful."

619. But when the car went, I was like...

620. Right, of course, you're not here just to fool around on our track with your Maserati.

621. Because we don't just have people in here to chat.

622. You're the Star In A Reasonably Priced Car.

623. You had to go out there and we see how fast you go in...

624. - Yeah! I forgot about this! - ... A Suzuki Liana.

625. Now this is the list of people who've been around, well, in the last series,

626. and this one, as well.

627. Is there anyone on here that you're particularly keen on beating?

628. Who do you think I was trying to beat?

629. Gordon Ramsay.

630. Gordon Ramsay.

631. Gordon Ramsay's a very good friend of mine

632. and I've spent my whole life chasing him, and I want to beat him for once in my life!

633. The only slight worry about that, from my point of view is that,

634. Gordon did it in exactly the same time as me, so if you beat him you beat me, too.

635. That's all right.

636. - And I done it! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

637. Shall we see how you got on?

638. If I beat you I'll be the happiest boy in the world, mate.

639. You'll be the deadest.

640. Let's have a look.

641. Gordon had a better start than that.

642. You should have gone down to Specsavers!

643. Oh, you got your window down!

644. I know!

645. You're never gonna beat Gordon, 'cause he had his window up!

646. Yes, my son!

647. That's tight there. That is really tight there.

648. Whoa!

649. - Did I just hit the camera? - No.

650. Gordon had finished by now and opened another restaurant.

651. Oh! Nice cornering actually!

652. One more corner to go, Gambon bend!

653. That's quite neat as well.

654. And across the line.

655. So, you wanted to beat Gordon Ramsay.

656. - Yes, please. - Who's here. Okay?

657. Please, Gordon, this is an important thing for me.

658. You've got your Michelin star, this is mine.

659. Yeah, he's got more than one Michelin star.

660. Oh, he's got several.

661. Okay, Jamie Oliver...

662. You've gotta beat 1.50.

663. - Yeah. - You did it in one minute...

664. fifty...

665. - ... seconds. - Yes!

666. It's a tie!

667. You needn't think it'll look like that next week.

668. - Here, have a bottle of baby champs. - Yeah, thanks very much.

669. Since it's our luxury programme. And thank you very much for coming.

670. - You have been brilliant. - Thank you, very much.

671. Ladies and gentlemen, Jamie Oliver!

672. That's great!

673. Ugh.

674. Right, insider dealing.

675. Now, Hammond, as we know, in September, there's a new BMW 5 Series.

676. - There is. - Which is fantastic news,

677. 'cause frankly, there's nothing wrong with the old one.

678. And we found some deals. How about this?

679. The 5 Series ES model, 2 litre or 2.5 litre petrol engines, or 2.5 diesel.

680. Same car but up to £4,000 worth of extra kit, and it's not rubbish, okay?

681. It's alloy wheels, metallic paint, sports suspension, luxury interior trim fittings.

682. If you have the diesel, you have three years' free servicing.

683. Couple of important things here, though. Number one,

684. - that means BMW dealers are dealing... - Yes!

685. which they don't!

686. - They are famous... - Once in a lifetime opportunity.

687. Exactly! Famously mean.

688. So, if they're giving £4,000 worth of kit,

689. it might be worth having a go getting more money off the car.

690. - Might be worth a go. - And it's a great car.

691. - The currently outgoing 5 is brilliant. - It is! It's a fantastic car!

692. They didn't need to replace it.

693. Worth looking out for.

694. Now, the GTV and Spider, they've been around quite a long time.

695. But they're still fantastic, and that car

696. still has the best headlights in the motoring industry, I think.

697. Yeah, but it's flawed, it's got no boot space,

698. it's an Alfa Romeo, bits drop off it...

699. - But it's somehow still very cool. - It's cool.

700. Now, this is being titivated in September, okay.

701. It's gonna have a new face, and it's gonna have some engine revisions, and so on.

702. But there are still some of the existing model knocking around.

703. I had a quick ring round Alfa Romeo dealers and I found a Spider Lusso.

704. So, this has got leather seats and the electric hood.

705. It's £22,750, and just on the phone, he said,

706. "Yours for 20 grand."

707. What, so you've got 2,000...

708. £2,750 off, just with a phone call.

709. Excellent, okay.

710. Now, if I say to you, "Big French car." What do you think?

711. - "Oh, dear", usually. - Yes.

712. Yes. Citroen C5, it's struggling a bit. It's a bit ugly,

713. but it's very comfortable.

714. And this exclusive model I've been looking at, it's loaded with kit,

715. it's got electric everything, alloy wheels, climate control and all the rest of it.

716. It's £19,495.

717. But, there's a £3,400 cash-back deal.

718. And I thought this would be tied into some ridiculous finance option

719. that meant that you had to give your furniture away, as well, but it's not.

720. If you go to the dealer and buy it with your Switch card,

721. you still get the £3,400 cash-back.

722. So, let's say it's a 16 grand car, all of a sudden...

723. So you get it at 16 grand... And it's big!

724. - It's big. - And it's ugly!

725. Full of kit.

726. If that was the equivalent of Mondeo, that would be 20...

727. Nearly 21,000.

728. That's actually quite a smart buy.

729. James, thank you very much!

730. Right, this is the performance car yardstick.

731. It's the BMW M3.

732. You can use it every day, or you can take it to a track.

733. And it'll set your trousers on fire!

734. Couple of things you might like to know.

735. Obviously, you've got to avoid the sequential gearbox, which is rubbish

736. and ruins the whole thing, and one other thing to avoid...

737. Anyone want to guess?

738. The colour! - The colour.

739. I mean, I won't have the red one,

740. I won't have the blue and I won't have the black...

741. I'll have bile yellow!

742. So, you avoid that, you avoid the gearbox,

743. and then really, you can't do better.

744. Or can you?

745. This is the new Audi S4.

746. It doesn't look like much, but they've put a V8 under the bonnet.

747. A big one. 4.2 litres.

748. They've given it more doors than the BMW, and more grip,

749. in the shape of four-wheel drive.

750. Then, there's the price.

751. At £36,000, it's £3,000 less than the M3.

752. So, this, then, is Audi's lump hammer,

753. built to break BMW's nut.

754. So, has it worked?

755. Amazingly, despite all Audi's hard work,

756. in a simple straight line race down our runway,

757. this was the result.

758. You see, although the Audi has 1,000 more cc's and two more cylinders,

759. it only develops one more brake horsepower than the lighter BMW.

760. But what happens when the road gets twisty?

761. Being four-wheel drive, the Audi is the opposite of a barbecue,

762. it's better when wet.

763. But it's also very good in the dry.

764. The handling is absolutely sublime!

765. This is harnessed lunacy.

766. But I still don't think it's as much fun as the unhinged M3.

767. That's the thing about the Audi.

768. The engine is a masterpiece. It really is.

769. And it's beautifully made, and very safe.

770. But in terms of sheer entertainment,

771. it's like a dinner party,

772. civilised conversation, glass of wine, a bit of Sade on the stereo.

773. Now the BMW, on the other hand,

774. that's more like a 2:00 a.m. Ibiza beach barbecue.

775. So, there you have it.

776. The yob...

777. and the provincial solicitor.

778. So, the Audi is better value, it's more practical and it's more grown-up.

779. The BMW is more of a hoot and, in a straight line, quicker.

780. But we do have one more test to do,

781. we've got to see which is the fastest round our tracks.

782. So that means, breaking out The Stig.

783. And that's a problem because

784. he's been to Nashville for his holidays

785. and I'm afraid he's developed a penchant for country and western music.

786. Yee-ha.

787. Right, first up, the BMW.

788. 343 horsepower, rear-wheel drive,

789. 160 kilograms lighter than the Audi.

790. Not much can keep up with this!

791. It's very tidy through the Hammerhead.

792. And...

793. Whoa! That is seriously quick! Through the Follow-through.

794. The S4 will need to be pretty special to get close to this.

795. And here is the Audi.

796. Four-wheel drive, remember.

797. Oh, dear! What is The Stig listening to?

798. Into Chicago, looking good so far.

799. Little bit of understeer, but that's not really slowed him down.

800. Now, it's the Hammerhead.

801. This is the real test for heavy cars like the S4, will it run wide?

802. No, he's kept it in check.

803. God...

804. As he blasts into the Follow-through...

805. Whoa!

806. A seriously quick car, fantastic V8 engine, almost as good as the BMW's.

807. He's only got one more corner to go!

808. It's Gambon and he's running very wide.

809. And he's across the line in...

810. Well, actually, we're gonna have to do the BMW time first.

811. That did it in 1:31.8.

812. Quicker than an Esprit V8, which is impressive.

813. However, the Audi S4, which we know is slower in a straight line,

814. - did it in 1:30.9, that's nearly a second quicker! - (AUDIENCE GASP)

815. It's only just off the place than Murcielago!

816. And that's in the dry, what about in the wet?

817. It's funny you should mention that.

818. I was talking to a racing driver the other day who'd been out in a Lister Storm,

819. which is a huge, kind of Le Mans car,

820. in a race, and it poured with rain.

821. They sent out the safety car, which was an Audi RS4, the forerunner to this,

822. it was going round to bunch them all up,

823. and the bloke in the Lister Storm got on the car-to-pit radio

824. and said, "Can you slow him down? I can't keep up."

825. They're very good in the wet and now we find out they're very good in the dry, as well.

826. So what're you gonna have, then, Jeremy?

827. I don't know.

828. I'll still maintain, for one lap of a track,

829. the M3 is the one I'd choose, but every day...

830. - The Audi. - The Audi.

831. Both of us.

832. Right, it's time to sort the big political issue.

833. Remember, that's not foundation hospitals

834. or Clare Short, we don't care about any of that!

835. What we want to know is, which is the fastest political party?

836. First up, the Tories.

837. We've got your music lined up here, so I'm gonna set that going.

838. - Good luck, take care. - Thank you.

839. - Go! - (TYRES SCREECH)

840. And clearly Bernard's not for turning.

841. Oh! Yes, he is.

842. Is it me or is that the naffest PA I've ever, ever heard?

843. A pretty good performance from the Tories,

844. but he could still lose his deposit.

845. Now, hold on, I've just got to bring everything to a brief stop there, okay.

846. Because there has been a complaint.

847. In fact, Iain Duncan Smith is apparently going to send a letter to Greg Dyke,

848. complaining that the BBC is biased against the Tory Party.

849. Now the BBC is taking this very seriously,

850. and so are we!

851. So, we saw Bernard Jenkin, the Tory there,

852. go round our nice, dry test track and set his time.

853. Then we made the other candidates wait a little bit until this happened.

854. Take care out there. Be brave. Here's your music.

855. I'll give you a count-off, okay? Good luck.

856. For Lib Dem, that was very, "We went that way, and that was it."

857. Down the middle.

858. I thought he was really decided for Lib Dem.

859. And a well-fought campaign there.

860. But is it a safe seat?

861. I don't even have a driving licence! I can't drive!

862. Oh, dear.

863. I have had my suspicions that he might just be a ringer.

864. No, he's clearly not a ringer. I've just seen what's going...

865. There's some interesting gear change action occurring.

866. Hmm, could this be a wasted vote?

867. - (REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS) - Yeah, that's very chill. Fire it up!

868. Things are probably coming up faster for him.

869. Mmm! Bit of a shock. I'm just guessing.

870. Of course, the question is, is he gonna roll?

871. After the race, probably.

872. The Greens.

873. - Watch out for rabbits and stuff. - Thank you.

874. If I do I'll bring it back.

875. Would you? I'm gonna stop taking the mick out and I'll leave you to do your job.

876. Here's your music, this will make you feel better.

877. Good luck.

878. The world's first ecologically sound wheel-spin there.

879. - He left his indicator on. - Yeah.

880. I don't suppose that'll slow him up.

881. Uh-oh. It looks like the Green Party's about to have

882. a big impact on the environment.

883. But no, no, he's saved it.

884. And now, our current leaders.

885. This is the original red flag for you.

886. - (MUSIC STRIKES UP) - Oh, how lovely!

887. Start your engine. I'll give you a count off.

888. Oh, dear. Still, things can only get better.

889. - We can expect a bit of spin from the Labour Party. - Hey!

890. Well, there's no spin, but typically, Labour

891. don't know whether to go to the left or the right of the line.

892. But after that he was soon back on message.

893. Now, just before you write in to complain, or anybody else complains,

894. there was a bit of a brouhaha following that.

895. Yes, some went in the wet, some went in the dry.

896. All those who went in the wet we gave the opportunity

897. to have another go this morning and they have done it.

898. So, these are the official results.

899. And as the official returning officer for Top Gear, here they are.

900. In sixth place, Alan "Howling Laud" Hope!

901. - (CHEERING) - Official Monster Raving Loony.

902. With 2:13.

903. - In fifth place, Bernard Jenkin MP... Conservative.

904. With a time of 1:41.8.

905. In fourth place, Ian Dixon.

906. Green. - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

907. With a time of 1:41 seconds.

908. - And in third place, Richard Burden, MP. - Labour.

909. 1:38.8.

910. And that means, ladies and gentleman, we have a new opposition.

911. And that is Mark Gibson, of the...

912. Legalise Cannabis Alliance.

913. Who would've thunk it, with a time of 1:36.5,

914. and we have a new government this evening, ladies and gentlemen.

915. - To lead that is John Ault. - Liberal Democrat.

916. With 1:33.9!

917. And here is your reward. It's a safe seat.

918. It came out of a Volvo, so enjoy that.

919. There aren't many Liberal Democrat safe seats, but thank you very much.

920. Exactly, none at all. So, a round of applause there!

921. And I believe that's it for this week.

922. Next week, we'll have lots of very fast cars driving around, I should imagine.

923. And I'm gonna make a pair of trousers.

924. See you then! Good night!