Top Gear 2x10

1. Tonight, a £65,000 car for the people.

2. A Range Rover at 45 degrees.

3. And the new Bentley Coupe comes to our studio.

4. Hello, and welcome to the last show in the series.

5. Don't worry, though. We're going out with a grrrr,

6. because, look, we've got the new TVR here.

7. And Richard Hammond has been driving it.

8. We first came across this car last year.

9. But back then it was very much a work in progress kind of a thing.

10. Even The Stig found it a handful.

11. So here we are in 2003. Summertime, obviously,

12. and the 350C is finally ready.

13. Now, what we get is a £38,500 car, 3.6-litre

14. straight six engine with 350 brake horsepower.

15. So it's not the full-on TVR hurricane, it's more a kind of pretty strong storm.

16. But don't think you can relax.

17. Because history shows that even a small TVR can take your head off.

18. It's a blary, scary full-on kind of thing.

19. And that is what they're best at.

20. Which is great if you like your cars full fat.

21. But in truth, these days TVR has to work hard to keep up with the modern competition.

22. A bit like these.

23. Like the TVR, the Harrier is a great British institution.

24. But it's 42 years old, so it's been updated to keep pace with modern demands.

25. The new Harrier GR9 is cleverer, faster, more comfortable,

26. and easier to fly.

27. This jet fighter has raised its game.

28. But in a world of Porsche Boxters and Z4s, can the TVR do the same?

29. Well, it's still a TVR. That's to say, it's raucous, raw, insane to look at,

30. and it smells like a fibreglass canoe factory in here.

31. It's also loud.

32. - Properly, properly loud.

33. And along with the usual TVR noise, you get the usual TVR interior,

34. crazy hand-stitched leather, spangled with beautifully crafted switch gear.

35. Hmm. So far then, it's same old, same old.

36. However, there is a fundamental difference here.

37. It goes all the way through the car.

38. The ride, it's just right.

39. On A and B roads, fine.

40. It feels more grown up.

41. More like a proper car from a sensible, grown-up manufacturer.

42. So finally, there's a TVR that you really can use.

43. It's... It's almost an everyday car.

44. I really like it, it works.

45. It must have limits, though. But it's not wise to try and find them on the road.

46. So, let's be off to the track.

47. Oh, this feels good.

48. This feels good!

49. It feels tight and taut and together.

50. It's these brakes, though.

51. Ooh!

52. I mean, I love accelerating, who doesn't?

53. But for the first time in my life, I am looking forward to braking almost as much.

54. Now, normally driving a TVR with any kind of sense of purpose

55. is a bit like chatting to a bloke in the pub and, you know, he says,

56. "Oh, yeah. We went on holiday, took the missus in the Caravan."

57. And, then...

58. Punches you in the face, no warning.

59. This though, it's got understeer. It's telling me, it's saying,

60. "Oh, I got to let you know, you're getting on my nerves a little bit."

61. It hasn't lost the lairiness but it's just been to anger management.

62. And that makes it the most user-friendly TVR I've ever been in.

63. But it does still have TVR blood in its veins.

64. It's a big one.

65. So if you push it and push it...

66. You can still make a hash of it.

67. - Ooh, Ooh, that's a bad one.

68. Did that on purpose.

69. But you've really, really got to want to provoke it.

70. I mean, like walking through the lion enclosure covered in sausages

71. and then spilling their pints.

72. I'm driving a TVR on a wet track and somehow I don't feel

73. like I've got the grim reaper sitting in the seat next to me,

74. kind of... clearing his throat, ready to see me off.

75. So like the Harrier, the TVR 350C keeps its character.

76. But in a world of young guns, it can still cut it.

77. - Wonderful. - It's magnificent.

78. Great car, best TVR I've ever driven there.

79. - Yeah. You could live with it. It's a proper machine. - You really could.

80. - Yes. - However...

81. Oh, dear.

82. If I were gonna buy a British sports car,

83. I'd be tempted by one of these, I must admit, the Noble.

84. Okay? Now, it came here last year and did 1.33 in the wet.

85. Yeah, I reckon the TVR would thrash that, anyway.

86. But that was with the 2.5-litre engine.

87. It now has a 3-litre engine.

88. It has a 3-litre Mondeo engine,

89. - it's a Ford Mondeo engine. - A turbo-charged...

90. - Ford Mondeo engine. Ford Mondeo engine.

91. This has a proper straight six configuration. It's a proper race car engine in the TVR.

92. I mean, that's just a childish thing.

93. - Right. You are right. - Top Trumps.

94. Okay, then. - Top Trumps, okay?

95. Give me your 0-60 time, eh?

96. - 4.4 seconds. Thank you. 4.1, thrashes you.

97. - Oh, it's a fraction of a second. It's pathetic. - Thrashes you. Thrashes you.

98. - Okay, top speed. - 175 miles an hour.

99. Go on, big fella, what have you got?

100. Come on.

101. - 175 miles an hour...

102. 167.

103. - Yes! Thank you.

104. Um, uh... Tell you what. Price.

105. - What is it? - Mine is 38,500 quid.

106. Sorry, Jeremy? That sounded like 40-something to me.

107. - So it's more... - 47.

108. Well, that's 47. That's nearly 9,000...

109. That's another car on top of the TVR.

110. That's made in Blackpool.

111. Well, yours is nailed together in South Africa and then shipped into Leicestershire.

112. I mean, it's hardly glamorous.

113. We're gonna settle this, right?

114. - Yeah. - The track, wheel out The Stig.

115. - All right. - This is a duel.

116. That's a magnificent start! He's gone! Look at that. Oh!

117. He's up to 30. No, I'm sorry, that's in his...

118. Oh, that's nice.

119. That's a... Oh, look, it's a proud thing, look at the control there.

120. I think that's a record for the slowest ever around that corner.

121. No, it's under control!

122. Nearly lost it on the braking there.

123. Very gentle drift. And it looks so glorious. What a proper car!

124. Just letting it run wild... Look at that!

125. Oh, that's glorious! Is this lap ever going to end?

126. Listen to that straight six!

127. It's... Oh! Fantastic!

128. 45mph. Don't be ridiculous. Gambon, look at the control.

129. Final corner. - Little bit of drift.

130. Oh, that was... That was moving, Jeremy.

131. It's finished, has it?

132. Let's see what your ridiculous Mondeo engine thing does.

133. - Now, let me show you what real performance is. - Come on, then.

134. Watch this.

135. Oh! It's gone already! It's already in the next county!

136. It's got a private plate! - That is fabulous, look.

137. On the brakes. No understeering this.

138. Well, it's... No understeering this at all.

139. Because it's dangerous, Jeremy! - Look at that, oversteer.

140. No, we didn't lose it in braking there. There's no understeer around here.

141. Just before crashing! - It's manly, it's hirsute.

142. - It's masculine in every way. - No.

143. It's plainly ridiculous. Any minute now he's gonna crash.

144. No, he isn't. Look at that!

145. Look at that, see? He's corrected it. Beautiful driving from The Stig.

146. It's a really noble Noble! And across the line, and there we are.

147. Well, I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

148. - Okay, one minute... - Okay, I've got a one minute...

149. 20? - 20...

150. - 20... - I'm surprised you did it in a 1.20 something.

151. - Don't be ridiculous. - What were you?

152. One minute, 27! I thank you.

153. - Which puts it right the way up there. That is very fast!

154. - Look at that! - Let me give you a hand. There we go. 1.27.

155. Thank you. - Well, that's fantastic.

156. - Sadly though, 1.25, everybody! - Oh, no!

157. - No!

158. - No! - Yes!

159. Yeah, but...

160. But look at it!

161. Loser!

162. Loser! Loser!

163. - Loser, loser, loser, loser, loser! - It's a ridiculous...

164. Look, it's a childish car. And look what it's brought out in you.

165. - Loser, loser, loser, loser, loser!

166. It's not a manly sports car! I mean, look!

167. Now you're just being childish, I'm not gonna get cross.

168. - [SING-SONG] You lost! - No, you're not annoying me.

169. - I don't care!

170. - I don't care! I don't. It was...

171. Right. The news. And we begin tonight with a...

172. Well, probably the best piece of news I've heard since I was born.

173. An event, in fact...

174. - Don't. - ... which eclipses the very miracle of my birth.

175. Hang on. The best piece of news you've ever heard ever?

176. What is it?

177. They're going to stop making the Beetle.

178. - And that's it?

179. - That's not a new one... That is fantastic.

180. - No, the old one. - That's not that good, is it?

181. They're still making it till the 30th of July and then it stops forever.

182. - And why is that so good, really? - Why do you hate it so much?

183. Do you really want me to do it?

184. - Well, no, I just can't... - Okay.

185. It's a rubbish car.

186. Well, that's incisive.

187. That's the first thing, it's a rubbish car.

188. Secondly, it was a scandal.

189. Okay. That car was stolen from a Czech bloke called Ledwinker, I think,

190. by Hitler and his henchmen.

191. They put it into production, they stole money off the German people to build it

192. and to build a factory.

193. They never got a car. Instead, they used the factory and slave Russian labour

194. - from the Eastern Front... - You can't blame the car for Hitler!

195. - You can't blame the poor, little Herbie! - I haven't finished yet.

196. - Oh, here we go. - In the factory, Russian slave labour

197. built V-1 flying bombs, one of which landed where my house now stands.

198. - That is the most convoluted reason... - There's more.

199. - Oh, no. - Does anybody own a Beetle?

200. No! - Yes.

201. Right. Are you happy driving around in a mass murderer's personal biffer bag?

202. Right.

203. Well, but... I don't understand it, it's completely wrong.

204. - It's gone and you're rejoicing. - I'm chuffed to bits.

205. - I couldn't care less. - I have to say, me neither. But, you know...

206. You're a loser.

207. What's the loser got for us this week, loser?

208. Well, big oaf, I've got the following.

209. More good news, actually, for you.

210. Because a while ago, we saw... Well, Vauxhall showed us the new Astra.

211. Well, at least what they said it was gonna look like. We got a picture of it here.

212. Now, that, we all agreed... I think we are all agreed, is a fantastic looking thing.

213. And Jeremy said,

214. "Well, if it looks anything like that when they make the real one,

215. "I'll eat my hair."

216. And the good news for you, Jeremy, is it looks like this.

217. So it's safe. - It's safe.

218. Yeah. I mean, they've sent us a lot of stuff on it.

219. I've been through it all, and all I can see is lights.

220. It tells you it's got, this is a good one, "Forward lighting headlamp system."

221. - Mmm. - That's right.

222. I'm always fed up, "I've illuminated my engine bay again!

223. "I can't see where I'm going!"

224. And it goes on about the light-scattering, translucent technology in the rear lamps.

225. So they actually light up. Yeah, I don't get that.

226. Right, quick one. John Prescott, right? Always telling us use our cars less.

227. We know the fellow. Last year spent £320,000 on taxi fares.

228. Which, I mean, that equates to...

229. We worked out, about 900 quid a day.

230. - Where's he going? - Well, exactly! And who's taking him?

231. - And why are they bringing him back? - Precisely! Leave him there!

232. Anyone here go to the Goodwood Festival of Speed?

233. Yeah. - Wasn't it fantastic?

234. The best thing for me, though, was Jay Kay turned up with his new Ferrari Enzo.

235. - 300 and however many thousand pounds it is. Yeah.

236. Parked it in the car park. We got a picture of it here, okay?

237. Which somebody sent to us.

238. Now, someone wrote something on the bonnet. You want to see what it is?

239. - Jodi was faster! Jodi was faster!

240. Yes!

241. Oh...

242. You... You were there, though. You were there, it wasn't...

243. I didn't do it. No, I just walked past it and thought, "That is very, very funny."

244. He spent the entire day saying to people, "No, yes, I will come back.

245. "No, yes, I do hate her."

246. It was a fantastic event, though, Goodwill, this year.

247. Well, it's massive now, isn't it?

248. It's like every Grand Prix and every classic car show jammed together

249. on a gorgeous sunny day. I have never... It was brilliant.

250. - Elle Macpherson waved at... Who's Elle Macpherson?

251. - Elle Macpherson. - Is that an old racing driver?

252. No, you buffoon!

253. He thinks "Hello" is a form of greeting.

254. Elle Macpherson is known as the... She's a girl, James.

255. You really do live somewhere else, don't you, James?

256. - What's the "L" stand for? - He lives... Oh!

257. - No!

258. She waved at me.

259. - Are you sure it was a wave? - Yeah. She waved at me.

260. - It wasn't a... - No, no, she wasn't shooing me away or anything.

261. She waved at me. And I saw David Coulthard. And I've got surprising news on that.

262. - Oh, yeah? - You know Men in Black? The film Men in Black?

263. Well, it's got... The basic premise is

264. there are aliens living on Earth disguised as humans.

265. Now, David Coulthard... Don't you think?

266. With that chin. And I've always suspected that if you peel away his overalls,

267. he's actually got flippers.

268. This is great and lovely. And all those people you met, that's smashing.

269. But it was a car event, predominantly,

270. 'cause we've got the catalogue thing from here.

271. The stuff that was there is incredible!

272. - It was. - Did you look at any of it?

273. - Cars? Yeah, what did you...

274. Do you know what I did? I went up the hill in the...

275. There's a hill that you basically drive... All the cars go up.

276. And I went up in the McLaren Mercedes.

277. - The SLR? - The SLR?

278. - The new SLR. - Yeah. Stunning thing. And?

279. - Well, I was still a bit drunk...

280. So I... There it is, look. Um, I think. I have... I dunno.

281. So hang on then. So you're probably the first UK journalist to get in that car.

282. - Yeah. - Yeah.

283. - We've been talking about it for what now, two years? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

284. And you went up the hill drunk, waving at Macpherson's strut,

285. - or whatever her name is, I don't know.

286. - I wasn't driving it, I was slumped in the passenger seat. - Well, that's all right, then!

287. - Well, can you tell us anything about it? - Who was driving it?

288. - It made a jolly loud noise in the condition I was in,

289. that was for sure. It sounded like a...

290. A Messerschmitt had mated with a Spitfire.

291. - To your drunken brain at the time, is it?

292. Only louder than that.

293. You wouldn't make much of a war correspondent, would you?

294. Standing there in war-torn wherever with a desolated landscape...

295. "So, Jeremy, what happened?"

296. - "Dunno. Drunk. Missed it." - Can we get on?

297. Good. Because, if you've got a lot of money to spend on a big four-door saloon car,

298. there's already lots and lots of choice.

299. You've got the Audi A8, the, uh, Mercedes S-Class,

300. and the Jaguar XJ.

301. But now, there's a new alternative. And here it is in all its brownness.

302. It's called the Phaeton, and it costs £65,000.

303. Which is odd, because it's a Volkswagen.

304. And Volkswagen means "people's car".

305. Right.

306. When they found evidence of life on Mars, it was a big deal.

307. But this is bigger. This proves that there are traces of humour in the fatherland.

308. This is the first ever recorded example of a German joke.

309. A Volkswagen that costs £65,000!

310. But actually, it isn't funny.

311. You see, the Phaeton was the swan song for Volkswagen's boss, Ferdinand Piech.

312. He was retiring and he wanted to go out with a bang.

313. He wanted to make the best car

314. ever.

315. He laid down a set of 10 parameters, which were apparently so impossible

316. that half his engineering team walked out.

317. They said it couldn't be done.

318. I tried to get Volkswagen to tell me what these parameters are.

319. But they say they're a secret. They'll only give me one just to give me a flavour.

320. And apparently, Piech insisted you should be able to drive the Phaeton all day,

321. at 186 miles an hour, when it's 122 degrees outside,

322. and the air conditioning must be able to maintain a temperature in the car

323. of 71.6 degrees.

324. My, I bet he was fun to go out with of an evening.

325. Now, I know this looks like a boring car from a boring man on a boring, wet day.

326. But stay with me. Because the attention to detail in the Phaeton is staggering.

327. Since we've been talking about the air conditioning and heating, let's stick with it.

328. Most cars blow air into your face through vents like this.

329. But look what happens in this one.

330. Push this button, and a panel slides down and acts as a sort of radiator.

331. First car I've even been in that's got central heating.

332. And there's a dehumidifier in here, too, so the windows cannot steam up,

333. no matter what you get up to.

334. Happily, I can test that out, by stepping into the back with the

335. lovely Danielle, here.

336. Oh, just pop in.

337. Don't worry, it's all in the name of science.

338. There we are.

339. That is extraordinary.

340. We've made ourselves a lovely cup of tea back here.

341. As you can see, the kettle's bubbling away.

342. But, we can still see out of the windows.

343. Lovely view.

344. Hey, isn't it nice?

345. There's more, too.

346. Look at these hinges.

347. No one's ever going to see them, and yet they're so beautifully machined.

348. And round at the front,

349. things get even more...

350. German.

351. Normally, when you use the headlamp washers in a car,

352. huge jets of water squirt onto the glass

353. and for a moment you can't see where you're going.

354. But look what happens in this. This one fires first of all.

355. And when it's done, this one fires.

356. So there's always some illumination.

357. And then there's the bonnet. Piech insisted that it had to stay

358. absolutely flat and level,

359. with no vibration, right up to 190 miles an hour.

360. Which sounds like overkill really, 'cause the Phaeton is limited to 155.

361. I have, however, driven one of these things without a limiter.

362. And it went up to a smooth and totally stable

363. 201 miles an hour.

364. And even at that speed, I still couldn't hear the engine.

365. Its two 3-litre V6s glued together,

366. so the cylinders are actually in that sort of a shape.

367. It's a 6-litre W12.

368. It's an amazing engine.

369. It's an amazing car.

370. - Do you know something? - What?

371. It pains me to admit it, but if I were gonna buy a big, four-door saloon,

372. it wouldn't be the Jag. I would have that Phaeton.

373. - Over the Jag? Even with the VW badge? - Yeah. Yeah.

374. It's an amazing car, as I said. Amazing.

375. Well, the interesting thing is,

376. they're gonna do a two-door version of the Phaeton. Kind of.

377. Basically, it's all the technical stuff out of that car in a different body.

378. But with a much better badge.

379. It's this! The Bentley Continental GT.

380. And it is probably the most eagerly anticipated car for decades.

381. Designed by a Belgian bloke. Apparently so, yes.

382. Whose only previous credit was the Skoda Fabia.

383. Yeah, well, it's a bit of a career jump.

384. It's like an architect doing a garage

385. and then doing the Natural History Museum next week.

386. - I know, but he can be proud. His mum can be proud. She can be chuffed.

387. I mean, look at this interior!

388. Scoot round and get in here. Honestly,

389. it puts me in mind of the old Aston Martin Vantage.

390. You've got bits of Phaeton stuff all over everywhere.

391. But, there's a sense of absolute luxury and absolute power.

392. Now, Bentley have said we can't drive it yet 'cause it's not ready.

393. But they're gonna have to have it ready by the end of the year

394. because that's when it's launched. It'll cost 120,000 quid.

395. - Tell them how fast it goes. - Well, absolutely. Because 0-60 time...

396. This is a big car, remember.

397. A big Bentley about the size of this building. 0-60? 4.8! 4.8 seconds!

398. - Tell them the top speed. Top speed. - Top speed. Any ideas?

399. - I'll tell you. - Want to guess?

400. - MAN: 200!

401. Well, you get clever, that's what you get.

402. - He's wrong. It's 198 miles an hour. - Yes!

403. - I won't do that again. It's incredible, but... - 198 is phenomenally fast.

404. Truth be told, we're not Bentley owners. You're not, I'm certainly not.

405. So, we probably could do with the opinion of one.

406. - Yeah. - And fortunately...

407. - And look at what we have here. You have a Bentley. - Sort of.

408. Sort of. It's a very old one, but it's a Bentley nevertheless.

409. So what do you think of this?

410. What do I think of that? Well,

411. - the engine's good. You know that. Brilliant.

412. And it's got two turbochargers as well.

413. - Which the Phaeton doesn't have. - Exactly.

414. Do you know it's got 550 brake horsepower? That's 50 more than a Ferrari 575.

415. - And the torque... - They put it on a machine and it ripped the machine apart.

416. - Just so much torque. - It turned the house that the machine was in upside down

417. - and roared off. - Yeah. Yeah.

418. - So, the engine's good. - Yeah. Just a bit!

419. - All right. We like the shape? Yeah.

420. - We like the interior? Yeah.

421. - We like the ashtray action. - Yeah.

422. I haven't actually looked in the boot, but...

423. It's gonna be good, I'm sure. It's really not stacking up

424. to be a recipe for disaster, this thing is.

425. - It's looking good. - We're gonna be testing it, obviously,

426. - in the next, uh, series. - I'm gonna be testing it in the next series.

427. Actually, I think the opinion of a younger guy...

428. It's a heavy car, it needs a heavy driver.

429. - It's a gentleman's car. - It's a young man's Bentley, clearly.

430. We will be testing it, and I will be telling you what it's like in the next series.

431. Now, though, we've got to meet our guest tonight.

432. He has the second worst hair on television.

433. You know him as Jonathan Creek. Ladies and gentlemen, Alan Davies!

434. - How are you? - Good, you?

435. - Have a seat. - Thank you.

436. Ahem!

437. What's, um... What's happened to your locks?

438. - You mean they're not as long? - No, I thought they were longer than that.

439. Well, they used to be very long, but hair technology has moved on

440. and you can now glue hair in if you need it.

441. - Oh. Is that glued on in Jonathan Creek? - Yeah.

442. - Is it really hair extensions? - Yeah, the last two series have been glued in hair

443. from Eastern Europe.

444. You are a bit of a petrolhead beneath the hair extensions.

445. - I do. I like a car. - You do like a car?

446. - Yeah. - What have you got?

447. I've got an Alfa 147.

448. There, you see. Look at this. Now, this is an interesting thing.

449. - Blank, nothing interesting. - She... Do that face again

450. that you just did. That sort of knowing... There. That.

451. That was a knowing... And I think there's a reason for that.

452. I've got a theory on Alfas. I don't think it's possible to be a proper petrolhead

453. unless at some point in your life you've owned an Alfa Romeo.

454. You think? - Yeah.

455. Well, I'll take that as a compliment.

456. - So you had Cavaliers, didn't you, for a while?

457. I had a Mini and then, um...

458. I got a white Vauxhall Cavalier in about 1984-'85.

459. Me dad got it for me.

460. But I don't understand this. Harry Enfield had a Cavalier at one time.

461. - Yes. - Convertible.

462. - Did he? - Yeah, a Cavalier. He's the only person

463. in Britain who bought one.

464. Is there a Cavalier thing running through the sort of stand-up...

465. It might be. Mark Lamarr had a Cavalier. We had Cavaliers at the same time.

466. We'd stand outside clubs going,

467. "Look at yours." "Mine's... Good, aren't they?"

468. - And then Enfield would turn up with his convertible.

469. I was joking.

470. That would be... Did you all then go around together, all of you?

471. When you do gigs out of town, always.

472. I'd take... You take three or four people.

473. You'd say, "Who's driving?" So you'd be in Birmingham,

474. and I was in the Cavalier, I was driving, we were coming back one night

475. from a club in Birmingham, down the M6.

476. And in the middle of the road were two vast limos.

477. And I'm in the outside lane,

478. and I had Harry Hill who was next to me here and two other guys in the back.

479. And we get alongside the first limo, and it's a bloke in a cap,

480. and the one in front is Barry Manilow.

481. - Unmistakably Barry Manilow. Remember, we're in profile.

482. - Unmistakably...

483. Barry Manilow. And then Harry Hill immediately starts...

484. And then he looks across like that and there's four blokes

485. in a second-hand Cavalier going,

486. And then he sped off at about 90. But we did that once,

487. we came back from Birmingham, Lee Evans was driving.

488. I can't remember, I don't think he had a Cavalier but it was something similar.

489. And there's about four of us in it, and we said,

490. "Lee, we've got to get some chips, we're really hungry."

491. He said, "All right!" So he goes...

492. We head off into Birmingham town centre and, uh, we get pulled over.

493. And the police get him out of the car and make him go and sit in their car.

494. So we're sat behind thinking, "This is probably really bad."

495. And then a copper got out of their car, came and stuck his head in our window,

496. and he goes, "So youse lot are all comedians, are you?"

497. We didn't speak, we were just like...

498. Coogan was around at the time. He was a complete petrol nutcase.

499. Coogan loves cars. I mean, I only went in Coogan's car once.

500. He had an MX5, a left-hand drive MX5

501. with some sort of nitroglycerin attachment to it.

502. - Turbocharger, probably. - Anyway, he kept...

503. And we'd done this corporate gig at Beverley Racecourse

504. and having all of us failed to get off with anyone, he offered me a lift back in it.

505. 'Cause I was the closest thing to a girl.

506. - And, uh...

507. And the rest of the comics were in the minibus that we all went up in.

508. So we shot off in this thing.

509. And he did the full thing that he would have done if I was a girl.

510. Flipped the roof off doing about 80 miles an hour.

511. Clip. Clip. Like that.

512. One hand on the wheel. I'm looking at the speed dial.

513. We're coming to a roundabout, it's on 100.

514. And I'm thinking, "We're doing 100 miles an hour."

515. And then I realise it's an import, right, so it's kilometres.

516. - But still... - But it's still 62.

517. And we're right in one of these country hotels where you've got a gate,

518. and then dark bit, and then the hotel.

519. And you would think that the road would go straight from the gate to the hotel.

520. So he went into it.

521. Straight off the road, into a field.

522. - Bouncing... Bouncing... There's a fence, like that.

523. Meanwhile, the minibus is going...

524. He's seen it. It's real hare and tortoise stuff,

525. he has got to spin it backwards like that.

526. And then it's hissing and spitting, and we get into the car park,

527. leap out, casually, with the car completely caked in mud.

528. - Beat the minibus. - Beat the minibus.

529. Do you buy cars for material?

530. No. I've never really talked about a car.

531. Well, I did...

532. I mean, there's some stuff that happened to me when I was younger

533. that has made for comedy material.

534. I did... When I was about 21, I got stopped on the M25.

535. And they took me to court for speeding.

536. And they were in court, and they said,

537. "He was doing between 106 and 108 miles an hour."

538. And I said, "That'd be 107, then."

539. I thought it was fair. And then they banned me.

540. They banned me on the spot. It was in Brentwood court.

541. And I said... I went next door to the police station and I said,

542. "How am I gonna get home? I drove." And they said, "Your problem."

543. And I said, "Really, how do you get home from Brentwood?

544. "Just forget I'm a criminal and a convicted man.

545. "Imagine I'm just a lost passer-by and you'd like to help me.

546. "How do I get back to Loughton from here?" "That's your problem."

547. So I got a bit annoyed and got in the car and drove.

548. Laughing, they were laughing! Pulled me over, arrested me,

549. took me back in the same court, in front of the same magistrate and said,

550. "Oh, God."

551. Took me back, and then they put me in the public gallery, and this guy said,

552. "You're so unlucky, mate. They get about four people a day like that."

553. - Driving home? - "Next time,

554. "if you drive here, park in the hospital over the road and they'll never see you."

555. Well, now, we're gonna find out what you like in a Suzuki Liana.

556. - Oh, okay. - Okay. Was it a nice... Is it raining out there or is it...

557. Oh, it started to rain more and more.

558. So it was a wet time you had.

559. It was all right at first, and then it was really raining quite a lot.

560. And at one point, just before I had to... "Brake, brake, brake!"

561. - as The Stig kept chanting.

562. "Turn in! Turn in! Turn in!" I was actually thinking, "Brake! Brake! Brake!"

563. - "Windscreen wipers, windscreen wipers."

564. Who would you like to beat on the board? Where do you think you want to be?

565. I mean, Michael Gambon was here, but he's a wet lap.

566. The "W's" are wet. Ross Kemp, 1.54, wet. Coogan, 1.53 in the wet.

567. Well, that's respectable, isn't it? Near Coogan.

568. - Do you want to beat Coogan? - I don't think I could, having been in his MX5,

569. it's doubtful.

570. - Well, then shall we find out?

571. Yes! - All right, let's have a look.

572. Let's have a look.

573. What did you think of the car?

574. Well, it was surprisingly all right.

575. I've burnt so far.

576. Really, really, really it.

577. That's where Jodie Kidd was quick.

578. 'Cause she never really... Ooh, well, you see, she was on that line all the way round.

579. - It's hard to stay on the line. I know! My word.

580. Jump down out now to Michael Gambon corner, where he nearly rolled it.

581. Are you all right? Yes!

582. Yes! And we are across the line.

583. Oh!

584. How did I do?

585. One minute...

586. Shall we call that wet or dry?

587. I think we need a new category. "D" for damp.

588. - Damp, yes. - Mildly damp at the end.

589. It was a damp end.

590. Mildly damp. So, you did it...

591. Now, mildly, that was somewhere... One minute...

592. 54 seconds!

593. Oh, not too bad!

594. So you're just behind...

595. Vinnie Jones.

596. Basically a second off Coogan, although he did it in a monsoon and was 1.53.

597. Well, that's... Yeah, I can believe that.

598. Yeah, now...

599. You didn't have a completely smooth practice out there, did you?

600. - No. - You broke our Liana.

601. - Yeah, I did. - You broke our Liana.

602. Look at this. Look at this, everyone.

603. Look at that!

604. - Look at that front wheel! That wasn't from the spin.

605. That was from something else.

606. It wouldn't go...

607. It wouldn't go round the corner.

608. You broke it!

609. - You joined... - You can just see the ambulance in the background.

610. Yes, there's always...

611. When I came round the corner...

612. That was actually, really, I thought that was my best lap.

613. It probably wasn't your best lap with a puncture like that.

614. - It slows you down a bit. - I don't know where the puncture happened.

615. Nevertheless, a good time. Great to have you here.

616. Ladies and gentlemen, Alan Davies!

617. Now.

618. News came into the office the other day that Cadillac was in real trouble.

619. So immediately, Hammond and I went for lunch.

620. May, on the other hand, said,

621. "No, no, no! I must go and find out what's wrong

622. "and what they're doing to put it right."

623. So, over to you, Billy Bob Jimmy May Junior III.

624. Here's the problem.

625. Cadillac's main customers are a lot of doddery old biffers in Florida.

626. People who like their suspensions soft, like their sprouts.

627. The situation's even worse in Britain.

628. They tried to woo us with the Cadillac STS, but nobody bought one.

629. Well, except Stuart Hall.

630. Clearly some drastic measures are necessary.

631. So how drastic is this?

632. It's the Cadillac Sixteen,

633. a car designed to show the world that Cadillac can once again lead the way in luxury.

634. Well, it's very big, which is a good start.

635. And it's also rather clever.

636. Let's have a look at the engine, for example.

637. That is a 13.5-litre V16, 16 cylinders.

638. But if you're just cruising along, you only use four cylinders.

639. If you go to overtake someone, you get eight cylinders.

640. And it's only when you flatten it, as the Americans would say,

641. that you get all 16.

642. Now, that means that this 2.5 ton, 20-foot long car will do 20 miles to the gallon.

643. Which is actually very impressive.

644. My old Bentley does 14 miles to the gallon.

645. And that's a small car.

646. Inside is rather like a very rich, self-made American's house.

647. I mean, the wood is just a bit too shiny, really,

648. and the leather is a bit like a supermodel's buttocks.

649. And the clock is too posh.

650. That's good.

651. So here we are on the historic and demanding Goodwood race circuit.

652. This is where Stirling Moss nearly died, and Bruce McLaren did.

653. And this is a 1,000 horsepower car.

654. So I thought I'd smoke this cigar and talk about luxury.

655. I like luxury. It's the new performance.

656. Do you know, I think they've got this spot-on.

657. This is exactly what a Cadillac should be.

658. It's big and plush and probably a bit vulgar.

659. Now, I don't think the Queen's gonna have one, because she's got a Bentley.

660. And I don't think Gerhard Schroeder's gonna have one,

661. because he's got a Mercedes-Benz.

662. And Elvis can't have one, because he's dead.

663. Now, let's think where the real money is these days.

664. Elton John. David and Victoria.

665. Puff Diddly, or Duddly, or whatever he's called this week.

666. Stuart Hall.

667. This car is absolutely of its time.

668. Now, this is what I call shock and awe. It's... It's hammer time!

669. I've not been interested in any Cadillac, really, not since '57,

670. and I wasn't born then so I wasn't particularly interested even then.

671. But this is just amazing, isn't it?

672. I think it's just... It's fabulous.

673. It's stolen the show a bit, hasn't it?

674. I mean, it has... It's walked all over the Bentley, which is,

675. you know, which we thought would be the king of the hill today.

676. Can they make it?

677. Well, I didn't say this in the film, but this is really just a prototype.

678. It's a sort of experimental car. But they could make it

679. because there's nothing... There's no pie in the sky stuff.

680. It's got a proper engine. It's a proper space frame.

681. It's got a normal interior. They could make it.

682. Can I see that engine? I know I saw it when you filmed.

683. - I just want to see it in real life. - Yeah.

684. Now, this would be powered on the real version, obviously.

685. Well, it would be. I know Americans might lose weight

686. if they actually had to do something for themselves.

687. - Way! - Look at that!

688. - Look at... Where's the propeller? Yeah.

689. I mean, it either needs one on the front or the back.

690. That's a huge... And that's how many, 13.5?

691. 13... It's actually 13.6 litres. 1,000 horsepower.

692. So, what will it take for them to actually put this into production?

693. Well, I reckon, those people I mentioned in the film, like...

694. - Elton and Becks and Posh... - Elton, Posh, and you and Stuart Hall...

695. - If Stuart Hall... - Stuart Hall, you ring up Cadillac,

696. whatever their number is, and say, "Make that car!"

697. So, Stuart, if you're watching tonight, do that. You'll be the talk of Cheshire.

698. Now, usually, when there's anything on the telly about disabled drivers,

699. it's just about somebody converting their Maestro so you can put a chair in it.

700. Or it's about parking close to things.

701. But not on this show. Because a few weeks ago,

702. bloke came in to see the show in the studio here, in his wheelchair, and he said,

703. "Well, there's nothing me and my mates like more than hammering around a racetrack."

704. And that gave us an idea.

705. We set out to find Britain's fastest disabled driver.

706. We trolled racing clubs to find the drivers.

707. We found a specially converted racing Porsche 911, and we had our track,

708. which was very wet.

709. Three, two, one, go!

710. Once you've got used to the hand controls...

711. I mean, are you as quick?

712. - People have misconceptions. I think so.

713. - Do you think? - I can actually brake harder and quicker

714. because, basically, you're on there already.

715. You've got some pressure and control already,

716. and because you're in that frame of mind of one limb,

717. it's like you're there without having to move your foot or anything like that.

718. Oh, well held!

719. "You did that on purpose." At least, that's what he's gonna say.

720. You go around the right-hand corner,

721. because you've got no lower back muscles, it's like,

722. "Uh-oh. Bloody hell, put it like that."

723. He hasn't got to worry about breaking his back, has he?

724. - He's giving it some, isn't he? - Yes.

725. You could almost take a boat out there now.

726. Way!

727. Now...

728. The results, and they are as follows.

729. In sixth place...

730. Uh, Peter, it was you, mate, with 2.20. And he crashed on the way home!

731. So that was a great day for you. Well done.

732. Seriously, he did bend it on the way home, well done!

733. Uh, Tim, you were in fourth, one minute, 58.8.

734. Respectable time, despite your monster near-crash!

735. Rob... That was a proper crash, 1.55.06.

736. Puts you in third.

737. Colin. Second place with 1.54.08, good solid time.

738. But then there's a huge leap, 1.47.

739. Lee, you came first, mate. Well done. That deserves a round of applause.

740. - Look at that. Look at that. - Cheers.

741. - It's a proud moment! - Yeah.

742. But, but... Thing is.

743. We got chatting while we were doing this, as you do in the rain, and something came up.

744. And it's this.

745. Who amongst you has been stopped by the police in your car?

746. Be honest. Come on, hands up.

747. Hands up. Right. Basically, it's everyone apart from Colin. All of them.

748. Now, uh, when you were stopped,

749. who of you, has at some point, been let off?

750. Come on, be honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now.

751. This got me thinking. Because I know what happened to you, Rob.

752. Tell me. What happened? What went on?

753. Um, I was just going home, after a nice evening.

754. Bit quick. - I had been drinking. Yes.

755. I've got a reasonably fast car, I was going reasonably fast.

756. You've got a Twin Turbo Supra. It's a very fast car.

757. - Well, I wasn't using all the turbos at the time. - Right, okay.

758. And it was a bit late, the roads were clear,

759. it was quite, you know, early hours of the morning.

760. Um, the light was changing from amber to red.

761. And I thought, "Well, I'll easily beat that." And it does.

762. - Basically. - I got caught and they pulled up.

763. So I thought, "Right, how am I gonna handle this?"

764. So I wound the window down just as he got there, and I flicked the light on

765. just as he looked in, and he was just about to start his patter and spotted

766. the wheelchair and said, "Ah... Um, well, it's a nice car..."

767. So he saw the chair, and basically he stumbled back, all embarrassed.

768. - Whoo-hoo! - He didn't know what to do about it.

769. And you got let off.

770. Yeah, and he said, "On your way, son, have a nice evening!"

771. - Seriously. So, Mr Policeman, if you are watching,

772. next time you see any of these guys speeding,

773. and you pull 'em, nick 'em!

774. This, sadly, is the last show in the current series.

775. And as soon as it's over, we'll be going on holiday for a few months.

776. But whilst we're on the beach, we still need your help

777. for the 2003 Top Gear motoring survey.

778. Last year we had 37,000 respondents, making it the biggest independent survey

779. of UK motorists. We want more of you this year.

780. If your car was registered between 1999 and 2002, we want to know about it.

781. We want to know what fell off, we want to know what your dealer's like,

782. if he can make you a decent cup of coffee, all that stuff.

783. It's done online. It's easy.

784. Please get tapping, we'll bring you the results of what you say in the autumn.

785. Now, there was going to be a theme to tonight's programme.

786. We were gonna do tuned cars.

787. I was gonna tell you about, uh, a Brabus Mercedes that could do 200 miles an hour,

788. and a Mini with 200 brake horsepower.

789. We got a whole load of these cars together and took them to a stud farm in Newmarket.

790. I've no idea why, I don't know what I was thinking of.

791. And, uh, this is what happened. Um...

792. Here I am, look, blathering on, about something or other,

793. and clearly only the horse is excited by what I had to say!

794. So, um, really, we scrubbed it. Scrubbed the whole thing.

795. Only one bit of that idea still remains, the Range Rover.

796. It used to be very easy to make one of these things better.

797. You just did all the nuts and bolts up properly.

798. - But, since the new one came out,

799. that one we made Car of the Year last year,

800. it's very difficult to improve it.

801. That hasn't stopped people trying, though.

802. This is the Range Rover 580S,

803. which has been breathed on by a company called Overfinch.

804. It's priced at £45,000.

805. Plus £60,000 for the original car.

806. What Overfinch used to do with the old Range Rover

807. was replace the standard engine with a 5.7-litre V8 from a Corvette.

808. It was fun, if your name was BP Esso McShell.

809. With the new one, though,

810. they've stuck with the standard BMW engine,

811. buoying it out to 5 litres and fitting a hugely expensive crankshaft.

812. Think of this then as a Range Rover M5.

813. You get 380 brake horsepower.

814. That's 100 more than standard!

815. 380 brake horsepower

816. is what you used to get out of a Ferrari 355.

817. And they've fiddled with the gearbox.

818. So now, when you floor it, it changes down immediately...

819. Immediately, and you're off.

820. To demonstrate what all this power means, I've organised a little drag race.

821. A Mercedes SLK

822. versus a 2.5 ton truck.

823. And we're not cheating.

824. This Mercedes has the big engine, the 3.2-litre V6.

825. So think of it then as a race between an athlete and someone who's fat.

826. Oh, and to make the fat man's job a little harder,

827. he'll be racing off-road.

828. - Sport mode.

829. 2,000 rpm and...

830. I'm ahead.

831. It's getting awfully bumpy!

832. Ah!

833. Whoa!

834. I am in the lead. I've got double vision! I'm being chased by two Mercedes.

835. Yes!

836. And I win!

837. God, this thing's quick!

838. On the road, the Overfinch does 0-60 in 7.1 seconds

839. and has a top speed of 140.

840. The only problem is, that the steering and the suspension haven't been changed at all.

841. It's a bit like sliding down a black run in a wardrobe.

842. It's a giggle...

843. but you've got no real say in your direction of travel.

844. Hey-hey!

845. Whoo! Ah!

846. So, it's not a nimble sports car, then. More of a Mach IV bulldozer.

847. But the best thing about this car is not the engine or the gearbox,

848. or the TV screens in the back of the headrests,

849. or the hand-stitched leather, or the fancy wheels.

850. The best bit is to be found in the boot.

851. You see, Land Rover say that if you want seven seats, you have to buy a Discovery.

852. It's a business practice I think they got from Das Kapital.

853. But Overfinch are different. Look!

854. Two little seats, with seatbelts, that fold away.

855. And some hay for the horses, look. Isn't that terrific?

856. The normal Range Rover is a very good car,

857. but this is a rock-crushing, people-carrying, Porsche-bashing,

858. fuel-guzzling, point and squirt muscle-bound mountain goat.

859. Do you know what I was reminded of, watching that?

860. Do you remember that Dutch Carver we had on last week?

861. Yeah. - Leaning. 45-degree lean thing. It's like that.

862. You're right. You'd have to be completely insane

863. - to try and set a time round the track in this. - Oh, mad!

864. - So, that'll be a job for The Stig, then. - Yeah.

865. Right. Thundering off the line like big V8 hippopotamus.

866. It's so wet out there. Now, of course, the Overfinch has four-wheel drive.

867. Also weaves as much as a church.

868. Stig there in a suave mood.

869. And look at the body roll through Chicago, that is scary!

870. Now, he's lumbering up to the Hammerhead,

871. looking a bit slow, it must be said.

872. Heaving through the Follow Through, this thing is immense in a straight line.

873. Not so fond of bends, however.

874. Up to the last bend once more. He's gone off-road!

875. He's gone off-road! Into Gambon now.

876. And across the line in

877. one minute 44 seconds, despite the cheat.

878. Oh, dear. - The slowest ever.

879. It sounded good, though.

880. It did sound good. I have to tell you, though,

881. The Stig, afterwards, said that's the first time he's ever been

882. - scared behind the wheel of a car. Really?

883. Yeah, which is marvellous!

884. Now, we've got to the bit of the programme, really,

885. which we call "the broken biscuit section."

886. It's all the stuff that we said we were gonna do as the series has progressed

887. that we haven't done. We're gonna cram it into the last few minutes.

888. And actually, since we're standing here,

889. let's stick with the Range Rover.

890. You see, when it was launched last year,

891. um, Land Rover said, "Don't worry. We're building this one properly."

892. So we said, "Okay, if you're so confident, lend us one for six months.

893. "We'll run it and we'll see if anything goes wrong."

894. Actually, yeah. You then went on to say, and if anything does go wrong,

895. you would shoot the managing director's dog, if we remember.

896. - I did say that. - Yeah.

897. And we've had stacks of letters from people who say that theirs has gone wrong.

898. I was talking to a chap in the audience just a few minutes ago and he said,

899. - "I've just bought one." - I said, "Is it here?"

900. He said, "No, I've come down in a Discovery, it's broken."

901. - Ah! - However, the deal was

902. if this one goes wrong. This is the one they lent us.

903. Now, I've given it a hard time. We've used it as a Top Gearchase car...

904. It's disgusting! - ... it's been off-road... It is disgusting.

905. Worst test of all, kids' school run car. They treat it, well, like animals, really.

906. - And here we are, six months on. - It's done the lot.

907. And what's the news for the dog?

908. - Well, last week, it was good. - Right.

909. - But unfortunately, just the other day... - Oh, dear.

910. This is the electric steering wheel adjuster.

911. - Works perfectly okay going in and out. - Yeah.

912. - It won't go up and down. - Oh, dear!

913. Mind you, it's not the sort of thing you can kill a man's dog over, is it?

914. No, and I don't think we could even wound the dog for that.

915. - However, I was up at Land Rover the other day.

916. And it turns out the managing director is a keen bonsai enthusiast.

917. - Oh, yeah? - And I stole this from his desk.

918. It's something he's been nurturing since he was a child.

919. So, um...

920. - Dink!

921. He didn't want us to show you this.

922. But he got himself a racing licence the other day and he said,

923. "I'm going to take part in a 24-hour motor race

924. - "for two CVs?" In Norfolk?

925. Right. Here's the race. There's the team he assembled.

926. Uh, there's Hammond, obviously. That's the fastest vicar, from the last series,

927. the fastest Rasta and a professional race driver.

928. Beautifully prepared car, loaned by a family. Yeah.

929. Beautifully crafted so that he could take part in it.

930. Now, the thing is, okay? As I said, Hammond isn't a racing driver.

931. Here he comes, look. He's got the suit,

932. - he's got the helmet... He's got a romper suit!

933. It turns out, okay? It turns out the only aspect of racing driving he's any good at

934. is thinking up excuses.

935. Just watch this!

936. He broke the car, it wasn't me. But he forgot to tell me. Nice one!

937. Thank you!

938. Every time I braked,

939. the gearbox was coming away and moving forward and taking the gear lever with it.

940. It didn't half wobble. Which it didn't do yesterday.

941. Blew the engine. I'd have been, you know, a fast time. Blitzed!

942. Probably a 1.45 was on the cards.

943. - But it might be more... - Now you've got the perfect excuse!

944. He blamed just about everything there, didn't he?

945. - I don't think he... - Here he is.

946. Yeah, well, it was tricky, you know? Things go wrong, it's exciting.

947. Did the tyres go off?

948. Yeah, they were going to.

949. You forgot about the tyres going off. - Yeah,

950. - well, that was my next excuse. - Did you have a problem

951. - with the reliability throughout the system? - Never mind that.

952. - Where did you come? - Thirteenth.

953. - Thirteenth? - About 14th or so, it wasn't really...

954. You were second to last! - But the weather was

955. - against us as well. Enough of the excuses.

956. You're useless! You're not being allowed to do any more motor racing.

957. It wasn't good.

958. Uh, now, we never thought we'd have to do this.

959. But we do. We thought that Jay Kay would sit on top

960. of our fastest ever celebrity board forever and a day.

961. But then, a couple of weeks ago, this happened.

962. Jodie Kidd came here.

963. And I'm sure you remember what the result was.

964. She beat Jay Kay by 0.3 of a second,

965. making her the fastest person, the fastest star in a reasonably-priced car.

966. Now, sadly, Jodie can't be with us tonight, 'cause she can't be bothered.

967. So we're going over to a pub near here where she is.

968. Thank you. This is gonna go very, very high up on my... Above my fire.

969. It's gonna be there, looking at me.

970. And, uh, I'm very proud of it.

971. And, uh, this lovely plastic-ness is beautiful!

972. I'd just like to thank my agent, my family...

973. Oh, for God's sake, shut up!

974. Um, that is it, really, isn't it, for the end of the show,

975. and indeed the end of the series.

976. If you have any thoughts or opinions on what you've seen in the last 10 weeks,

977. do, please, keep them to yourselves.

978. - See you in the autumn. Good night!