Top Gear 2x1

1. On tonight's Top Gear,

2. Richard Hammond in a V8 tumble dryer.

3. Ooh. Ow!

4. The classiest way to bankrupt yourself.

5. Wow!

6. And we turn up the heat on the world's dullest car.

7. Hello, and may I say how nice it is to be back,

8. especially as 2003 is likely to be a vintage year for cars.

9. Honestly, you will not believe the list of what's coming.

10. And it's not all big expensive, tyre-shredding stuff either.

11. There's a trend towards small, affordable, fun cars,

12. stuff that looks good at four mph in a traffic jam.

13. I mean, take this Volkswagen Beetle Cabriolet.

14. It's a prime example. Okay?

15. I mean, it's not the fastest car in the world.

16. Not even the fastest car in this part of the studio, to be honest.

17. And the roof folding arrangement is a bit... unfortunate.

18. But it has four seats, it costs £15,000, and look at it!

19. And then there's the Ford StreetKa.

20. Now, this has a top speed of 12.5 mph.

21. But that's okay, because it only costs 12.5p.

22. The most intriguing car, though, is that.

23. It's the Smart Roadster.

24. Now, some cars are rock'n'roll.

25. Some cars are the 1812 Overture.

26. This is a pop video.

27. In the trendiest parts of the trendiest postcodes

28. of the trendiest city in Britain,

29. this car looks sensational.

30. And because it's only £13,500, no one thinks you're a rich git.

31. It's the kind of car that makes people go, "Ah!", rather than "Ugh!"

32. The thing is, though, if fashion accessories are going to work,

33. they have to have a real-world application.

34. A watch, for example. It's no good at being just pretty watch,

35. it has to work in space.

36. A Range Rover has to work on an Alp, even if you live in Kettering.

37. A training shoe has to work in the gym,

38. even if you never get out of the pub.

39. So it's no good the Smart being all rinky-dinky in Camden.

40. If it's gonna have any street cred whatsoever,

41. it has to work out here.

42. It's got to be a proper sports car.

43. So is it?

44. On paper, things don't look brilliant.

45. It may make all the right growly noises,

46. but it's powered by a 3-cylinder, 600cc engine.

47. My Moulinex Magimix has a bigger motor than that.

48. Sure, the Smart has a turbo charger,

49. but you still only get 80 bhp. So this, then, is not a fast car.

50. In fact, it has exactly the same top speed as Henry VIII.

51. In terms of acceleration, you go from 0-60, but only just.

52. I tried timing it, but after 11 seconds, I got bored.

53. Then you've got the

54. 6-speed sequential Formula One-style gearbox,

55. which operates exactly like one of those new-fangled digital cameras,

56. you know, where you push the button, and then 10 seconds later,

57. just as your subject moves away, it takes the picture.

58. Ready, foot down...

59. And here we go.

60. Useless!

61. It rather looks, then, like

62. the Smart Roadster misses the sports car mark by 100 miles.

63. However, have a look at this.

64. Push a button...

65. And the middle part of the roof

66. slides back electrically into a little cubbyhole

67. in the engine compartment.

68. And then I simply take these out,

69. and obviously the same on the other side,

70. and we've got a full convertible.

71. However, the weather today is a bit too British,

72. so if you don't mind, I'm just going to, um...

73. I'll just pop it back.

74. See ya.

75. There's more good stuff, too.

76. This car may not be fast, but it feels so much more alive

77. than any million-horsepower heavyweight BMW.

78. I wanted to hate it.

79. I wanted to laugh at its pathetic performance and call it a wet fraud,

80. but it's so responsive and such a giggle

81. that it puts an enormous smile on your face!

82. It's fantastic!

83. Ha-ha!

84. I like the styling, I like the interior,

85. I like the traction control, and the CD player,

86. and the air conditioning.

87. I like the way these dials

88. sprout out of the dashboard.

89. And I love the space.

90. I mean, I'm not small, but look, look at that!

91. About four inches of headroom there.

92. Ooh, and there's something else.

93. Remember who it is that makes Smarts?

94. You can buy one of these things and tell people that you drive

95. a mid-engine, rear-wheel drive,

96. turbo-charged, convertible Mercedes Benz.

97. Mercedes own Smart. They may make them in France, but this is a Mercedes.

98. And there's more. It's cheap to insure, it does 40 miles to the gallon,

99. and it costs almost nothing to replace those plastic body panels if you crash.

100. Not that it goes fast enough to have a crash.

101. So, it works.

102. It's a fashion accessory, it's a piece of automotive jewellry,

103. and it's like those light, whizzy sports cars from the '50s and '60s,

104. Austin Healeys and Triumph TRs and MGs and so on.

105. It's a proper, undiluted, sports car.

106. - I wouldn't buy one. - I thought you liked it.

107. I do. But I'm going to outline now a few problems, okay?

108. We'll start with the boot.

109. There isn't one! I mean, there isn't one.

110. - It's under here. - No, there's no point looking. That's your lot.

111. It's basically a sort of baking tray above the engine, really.

112. It's okay if you've got a handful of roast potatoes to carry around with you,

113. - but otherwise, useless. - Yeah.

114. However, look at this.

115. This is the Smart Roadster Coupe.

116. Same engine, same roof arrangement, same everything.

117. - But if we open the back... - Ah!

118. Enough space for a whole sack full of King Edwards!

119. There you go, then. That's your car, what's your problem?

120. - Nope, I wouldn't buy this either. - Because?

121. I'll tell you why, okay?

122. You can buy one of these with left-hand drive in Britain,

123. you don't have to go to Germany or Luxemburg for it,

124. left-hand drive, for less than £10,000.

125. It's not quite as powerful as the British ones,

126. and you don't get quite so many toys, but...

127. Why are we paying half as much again

128. to have the steering wheel on our side? The right side, the proper side.

129. I mean, I love the car, I just don't like being ripped off by Germans.

130. It's made in France. It's made in France!

131. Yeah, Vichy France.

132. The thing for me is still that gearbox. It's just hopeless.

133. The moment builds up, the revs rise,

134. you hit the lever, and... (STAMMERS) it pauses with you and waits.

135. Nothing happens for so long.

136. The thing is it's a gearbox.

137. - Okay? It has one job to do. One job. - Exactly.

138. Pull the lever... "Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower?

139. "Am I a nuclear power sta... I'm a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I must swap some cogs around!"

140. It takes forever.

141. Precisely. It's not like it's working through a list.

142. And the problem is, you're gonna be using it a lot,

143. because obviously with that buzzy little 600cc engine,

144. - you're changing gear all the time. - I was wrong.

145. Admission time.

146. It's actually a 700cc engine, makes all the difference. - Ah, well...

147. It's 0.7 of a litre.

148. Yeah, that is still very small,

149. - and it still has Hugh Grant as a gearbox. - Yeah.

150. It's a pity, really. 'Cause we like the Smart, but we think not.

151. And that gives us another problem.

152. Because, you see, you can't have

153. the Volkswagen Beetle either.

154. And let me explain why, okay?

155. Now, with most convertibles,

156. the windscreen is sort of here.

157. But this is like a convertible people-carrier!

158. Got this huge dashboard that people can play football on.

159. You need binoculars to see if the wipers are working!

160. And that leaves us with the Ford StreetKa.

161. Now, it is a very, very good little car.

162. It does everything it sets out to do, and it does it very well.

163. But you cannot possibly drive this car if you're a man.

164. Seriously!

165. Look, there's a man in the car, and he's clearly wearing a dress!

166. Is he not?

167. Are there any men here who would think of buying this car?

168. Precisely. Would you, anybody?

169. No!

170. Okay now, this being the Top Gear audience,

171. you're all car enthusiasts,

172. so I know you haven't got wives or girlfriends.

173. So you brought your sisters with you.

174. What about the girls?

175. Hands up, all the girls who would like to have this car.

176. Oh, it's sort of... That's why...

177. Are there any girls who wouldn't?

178. - You? I would.

179. Well, put your hand up, then! It's not a difficult instruction.

180. That's the trouble. Brothers and sisters, they're all related.

181. I was talking the other day to a guy from Ford.

182. I don't know who he was. Wore a suit.

183. Had biscuits and meetings.

184. Anyway, he said 80% of these are gonna be sold to women.

185. So who's gonna buy the other 20%?

186. So, what does a bloke do if he wants to buy a two-seater, open-top sports car?

187. He does what he's being doing for the last 14 years and buys a Mazda MX-5.

188. Anyway, the Cool Wall.

189. Where do these cars go?

190. And remember, this is nothing to do with dodgy gearboxes or value for money,

191. it's just how cool we think the cars are.

192. First of all, the VW Beetle convertible.

193. Now, that is undeniably, I'd say, a cool car.

194. As long as you don't mind looking like an alien.

195. Higher, put it higher than that, actually.

196. Higher, no. No, up there.

197. No, actually, I'll tell you what, move it into Uncool.

198. - I kinda like it there, personally. - Oh, okay.

199. (CLEARS THROAT) Um, the StreetKa.

200. Well, yeah, It is very much not a car for a bloke.

201. But, nevertheless, it's a cool car.

202. - We'd all agreed on that? Yes.

203. We all agree it's cool.

204. So that leaves us with the Smart car.

205. Anyone got any thoughts?

206. Sub Zero. - Oh, yes!

207. Hold on a minute, we think what?

208. Sub Zero. Sub Zero. Why?

209. It's the coolest car here.

210. - The Smart is? - Easily.

211. Good man.

212. - Where's it going? - Uncool.

213. - Uncool. - Sub Zero.

214. Sub Zero, you're right, you're wrong, I'm always right.

215. It's going there 'cause I know everything.

216. - Always right? - Yeah.

217. - Know everything? - Yeah.

218. Last series you put the Renault Avantime, in fact, it's still there,

219. Sub Zero. There it is. As far as you can go.

220. - How many do you think they sold? - Millions.

221. Well, (STAMMERS) a benchmark...

222. The Ford Focus last year, they sold, over 12 months, 150,000.

223. Now, all right, that's a big volume car, lots of people buy it,

224. but it won't be that big a number.

225. How many Renault Avantime do you think they sold?

226. Give me some numbers.

227. Seven! - Seven? Be sensible, it's a car!

228. It costs millions of pounds to develop!

229. MAN 2:12. MAN 3:2,000.

230. I'll take 2,000, is it? Little bit adventurous.

231. - Jeremy? - I don't know. 1,500.

232. I'll tell you how many they sold. 263.

233. But bear in mind they have 70 dealers who can sell those things.

234. Now, assuming they would all of had one to put in the showroom, so knock 70 off.

235. I make that 193.

236. That's so disastrous, they've stopped making it, Jeremy.

237. - So that I think shows... - So it's gone?

238. It doesn't even exist any more.

239. - It's gone from our board. - Yeah.

240. - No! - Sorry!

241. Actually, I don't care. Because I've had a new idea while we've been off the air.

242. And it's this. It's the Top Gear Love and Hate board.

243. The Love section's already full,

244. Kristin Scott Thomas and Terry-Thomas. Full of Thomases.

245. It's this bit we're most interested in.

246. This is the Hate section.

247. It's things we hate.

248. Like, stereos

249. that have a chummy greeting when you turn them on.

250. Why? Why does it have to say hello?

251. I just want it to play Terry Wogan.

252. Other things we hate.

253. Obviously, paddle shifts.

254. Those semi-automatic

255. gearboxes like Formula One.

256. Uh, personalised registration plates.

257. Yes, we really hate those.

258. If you've got any ideas

259. of things that you'd like to see on our Hate board...

260. Not Love, that's full as I've said.

261. Um, but you wanna see on the Hate board,

262. do get in touch on our international web

263. which is...

264. Now, I was thinking the other day about stuff that I hate.

265. And I came up with a list.

266. Whoa, a man can never have too many lists.

267. Exactly.

268. So I made up a list of my top five worst cars ever.

269. - That's a good one. - It is a good one.

270. - It's a good poser. - Top five worst cars ever.

271. Well, here's my list, okay?

272. - Mmm-hmm. - In fifth place

273. is the AMC Pacer. Look at that.

274. What a moose! Ooh, that is a moose.

275. Interestingly, the doors

276. on opposite sides aren't even the same length.

277. And number four

278. is the Peel. (LAUGHING)

279. What was particularly good about the Peel

280. - is it only had one head lamp. - It did.

281. So, if you're driving down a road and you saw one coming toward you,

282. you think, "That's a motorbike. Jesus, it's a car!"

283. In third place,

284. the Vauxhall Vectra.

285. - Obviously. - Well said.

286. In second place, the Suzuki X90.

287. I remember road testing that on old Top Gear,

288. and we filmed it all at night

289. because I didn't want people to see me in it.

290. - Absolutely, fearsome thing. - Mmm.

291. - In first place... Well, it's a big question, this. - Mmm.

292. My worst car ever.

293. And I got think, "What are we actually looking for?"

294. Well, something like drizzle, really.

295. The car equivalent of drizzle.

296. No. Because there's something happening.

297. When it's drizzling, there's something going on.

298. We're looking for worse than that.

299. It's like those days when you open the door and you walk out

300. and there is no weather.

301. There is only one car that can manage that.

302. And it's this.

303. The Nissan Sunny.

304. I don't know where to start. I mean, there are uglier cars.

305. And there are worse cars to drive.

306. But that's the whole point,

307. it's their badness that gives them character.

308. This... This commits the worst crime of all, blandness.

309. God gave us, probably celery as the benchmark of nothingness.

310. And then amazingly,

311. mankind improved on that

312. with this thing.

313. I hesitate even to call it an abomination.

314. It doesn't have the personality.

315. Forget redeeming features,

316. it doesn't have any features.

317. And here's another thing I don't get.

318. Dragsters. I mean, yeah, it's got a very big engine.

319. Well, it's a jet engine, in fact.

320. And, yeah, it will do 0-200 mph

321. in 3.8 seconds.

322. But it'll struggle to better 100 gallons to the mile,

323. and every time you want to get into it,

324. you've got to split it in half.

325. And I don't think it's even got a reverse gear.

326. Mind you,

327. they do have one useful feature.

328. Get 'em working.

329. So...

330. Ha!

331. - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) - How much fun was that?

332. How much fun was that? Fantastic!

333. Now, bear in mind we do have a kind of a theme going this evening.

334. Jeremy's been looking at the Smart Roadsters, small cars.

335. Cheap thrills is the kind of feel.

336. Now, that dragster did burn about 100 quids worth of fuel doing that.

337. And that's about the best 100 quid I think you can possibly spend.

338. Now, footballers.

339. The time was, not that I know much about it, when it was a great game.

340. The men were men and in the wall they stood like that

341. protecting the important things in life.

342. Now it's this, "Ooh, mind my hair! Mind my hair!"

343. 'Cause I've just had it done.

344. However, my guest tonight

345. is from those olden days.

346. He would drive a large Mercedes to a fight

347. and occasionally during that fight

348. a game of football might break out.

349. He's now an actor

350. and he's got his own fly-on-the-wall documentary series.

351. Ladies and gentlemen, Vinnie Jones!

352. - Vinnie, how are you? - How are ya?

353. Have a seat.

354. Ah.

355. Now, as I understand it,

356. you still hold the world record

357. for being sent off in a game of football, don't you?

358. - 'Cause it's five seconds, wasn't it? - Yeah. And this was...

359. I ran on and it was like a minute.

360. No, you've done it in five seconds.

361. - That's quicker than a minute. - Well, no. About a second, I'd say. Yeah.

362. - One second? - Till I came on, yeah.

363. You see, I'm intrigued, not being a footballist, I have to admit,

364. how do you reach an opposing player

365. to commit some kind of atrocity in that time?

366. 'Cause if they blew the whistle, I'd need a minute and a half to get...

367. I sort of worked it out

368. that as the ref looked at both, uh, goalkeepers,

369. as he put the whistle to his mouth, I set off.

370. So as he actually blew, I was crossing the line at full speed.

371. - (CLARKSON LAUGHS) - And when they knocked into each other

372. and then the whites of their eyes saw me coming at them,

373. - it was quite hilarious. - It's just such a...

374. "Blow the whistle now."

375. - Bang. - "Vinnie Jones booked now."

376. - Yeah. - It's such an achievement.

377. Anyway, let's talk about your driving days.

378. Erm, what was your first car?

379. I came back from Sweden, actually.

380. And I had a bit of money from playing in Sweden and signed for Wimbledon,

381. and I bought a red Cortina.

382. - Ooh. Which mark? - Yeah. Mark IV.

383. A Mark IV?

384. And, in them days, Wimbledon, obviously, were very basic.

385. And myself, Dave Beasant and the physio,

386. we went there and, of course, I wanted to drive,

387. and we took the team kit with us.

388. And we get to the Chelsea gates and they're saying,

389. "No, you're not coming." And I said, "Well, I'm one of the players."

390. And by the time he had finished telling us we couldn't come in,

391. it had overheated and just... Poof!

392. There was smoke and everything was coming through the vents.

393. Still, it was hilarious.

394. So, we ended up pushing it down the ramp

395. and taking the kit out, pushing it in the car park, and it stayed there.

396. I don't know what happened to the old red Cortina.

397. Probably still... 'Cause they have a redone Chelsea now.

398. Yeah, I'm sure. Ken Bates has probably nicked it!

399. We'll have a look for him running around in it.

400. You're over in America a lot, obviously, these days.

401. - Hmm. - Do they have the first idea what you are, who you are?

402. Well, they... I sort of get more credibility

403. or they come and talk to you when they realise that you was a footballer.

404. - You know, they come and... - "Soccerer", as they'd call you.

405. "Oh, you was a soccer player?"

406. - Yeah? 'Cause you... - So, yeah.

407. I mean, Nick Cage. You were in...

408. - Gone in 60 Seconds. Good car film. - Yeah.

409. Um...

410. - Is he a car nut? - Yeah.

411. He used to come. He used to be quite funny.

412. He used to come down to work, come on the set,

413. and he'd come in, say, his Bentley.

414. And then a Ferrari would turn up,

415. and then a great big motorbike would turn up. And he'd come out and...

416. And then when we'd finished filming,

417. for him to go home, he'd stand there and, "What shall I go in?"

418. Oh.

419. And wait... He actually went on his motorbike one day

420. and we were pulling out and we tried to follow him up to, um,

421. up the motorway and he was just (IMITATES BIKE) gone on the motorbike!

422. But it must be great for him, you know, with the crash helmet on.

423. Yeah, yeah. No one knows who he is.

424. And Lock Stock, of course, started it all, didn't it?

425. Yeah.

426. 'Cause you know the scene, the very famous scene of you with the car door?

427. - Yeah. - What was going through your head

428. when you were doing that?

429. - 'Cause this is your first... - I can't say it on air.

430. - I'd probably get sued again! - Whisper it.

431. The thing is, though, we were thinking,

432. that P6, big heavy doors in those days.

433. - Yeah. - Good for smashing a man's head in.

434. Modern cars... We're not so sure, actually.

435. So, can you just pass us our prop?

436. - I think the windows would go now on it. - Exactly.

437. We've had, imagine this, we've had...

438. - We've all seen Day of the Jackal, okay? - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

439. Now, if you could come with me, Vinnie.

440. 'Cause what I want you to do is try and smash this

441. in the door of one of our cars.

442. Come with me. Down here, everyone.

443. - Gather round. We're going to the Smart car. - Oh!

444. Which is made of plastic, okay?

445. Hasn't got to go back, has it?

446. - What? - Hasn't got to go back.

447. Yeah, it has. What I'd like you to do is famously re-enact the scene.

448. - You go on the other side. - You should put it in from the other side. The...

449. It was actually a block of wood in Lock Stock.

450. - Well, it's a watermelon in this. - Right.

451. - It's also very heavy. - So, we'll try and... Yeah.

452. - Right. Here we go. - Okay.

453. - Ready? - Yeah. Here we go.

454. Not bad! In one!

455. So...

456. So, a little bit of, um, The Day of the Jackal,

457. little bit of Lock Stock, little bit of Top Gear, all in one!

458. Um, now, of course, you haven't just come here to...

459. Can you hang on to that? Cheers, mate.

460. - Um... - Do the garden, mate!

461. Yes, sadly. Go do the garden.

462. You haven't just come here to smash watermelons to pieces, obviously.

463. - Yeah. - You've...

464. You've come to do a lap on our track.

465. You went with The Stig, obviously. What was that like?

466. Yeah. Um...

467. When the backside stops retracting, I'll let you know on that one.

468. - He is quick, isn't he? - Oh!

469. Okay, but it is time now to see how you got on in your lap.

470. This is the... The power board. Okay?

471. - You did... - I just want to beat Jonathan Ross.

472. - I've got to beat Rossy. - Jonathan Ross, one minute 57.

473. You could have strolled, mate.

474. Shall we see how you got on?

475. The star in a reasonably-priced car. Play it.

476. - Ooh! - (VINNIE CLEARS THROAT)

477. Nice start. Cheers.

478. Come on, girl.

479. It looks very slow. It seemed a lot faster when I was doing it!

480. No, well, it is a Suzuki Liana.

481. It's not a fast car.

482. (SCOFFS) This is the bit, though.

483. You can scrub speed off here.

484. If you lose speed here, you'll never get it back all the way up the main straight.

485. This is... This is the home bit.

486. This little, uh... This little bend here.

487. This is where everyone goes off. How do you manage?

488. Steady, Vin.

489. Boot it!

490. You kept it on the island,

491. and that was where Michael Gambon nearly rolled it.

492. - And you're across the line! Oh, yeah!

493. Yeah.

494. Seemed a bit slow, I think.

495. - I've been told the time. - Go on, now.

496. - You wanna be faster than Jonathan Ross. - Yeah.

497. I pity Jonathan Ross if you aren't faster than him!

498. Rossy will not let me live it down.

499. Vinnie J,

500. one minute...

501. 50...

502. 51?

503. - Three. - 53?

504. So you're in there, faster than Ross Kemp.

505. Ladies and gentlemen, Vinnie Jones!

506. And...

507. Now, this being a new series of Top Gear,

508. we thought we'd try out a new presenter, okay? He's called James May.

509. And on the evidence of what we're about to see, he is a blithering idiot!

510. One day, probably in the dentist,

511. you'll find yourself leafing idly through

512. the small ads in the back of a classic car magazine.

513. And you'll probably think to yourself,

514. "Huh. All that money I spent on a Ford Mondeo

515. "could have been used to buy something really interesting."

516. Like Mark II, Inspector Morse- styled Jag, for example,

517. an old Porsche 911. There are quite a few old Porsche 911s in here.

518. Look, you could even have a Bentley.

519. Mind you, you'd have to be a complete idiot to buy one of those.

520. This one's mine.

521. It's a T2, pretty much the cheapest Bentley money can buy.

522. You can pick one of these up for seven or eight grand.

523. But don't. 'Cause for that money

524. it's gonna be a complete bag of bolts.

525. This, though, is a good 'un.

526. It cost 14 grand, but it's got a full service history.

527. All the parts are genuine, there's no rust, no filler

528. and no evidence of bodged repairs.

529. Now, 14 grand's top dollar for one of these,

530. but that's still only the price of the most basic Mondeo.

531. Unlike the Mondeo, though, the Bentley shouldn't depreciate.

532. A Mondeo is a disposable item, but a Bentley's...

533. It's a Bentley.

534. So why do I like it, then?

535. Well... I like this wood.

536. Someone's taken a lot of care over that.

537. I like the view. I like that strip of chrome down the bonnet

538. and the weird winged bee thing down at the end.

539. And I like the sort of daftness of it.

540. I mean, the light switch is there, fair enough.

541. But the key goes here and the windscreen wipers are here.

542. Now, you'd expect the windscreen wipers to be here,

543. but this is actually the gear stick.

544. And the handbrake's down here.

545. It's all wrong, and I love that.

546. Somewhere up front is a huge 6.75-litre V8 engine.

547. But when you put your foot down...

548. Nothing happens.

549. You get a bit more noise, and you might go a little bit faster,

550. but on the whole, it's a complete waste of time.

551. You might as well just relax.

552. Handling.

553. I've got furniture that handles better than this thing.

554. Watch.

555. Absolutely nothing.

556. So, it's rubbish to drive, I'm going slower than you

557. and yes, I look like a failed porn star.

558. But I am in my own Bentley!

559. Right, then, a Bentley for Mondeo money.

560. Some of you are pretty tempted by this idea,

561. but hang on.

562. I haven't told you how it ruined my life yet.

563. I said this car doesn't depreciate.

564. But big deal!

565. Who really cares about depreciation anyway?

566. It's just something that goes on all the time

567. when you're in the pub or in bed.

568. It's not something that hurts you every day.

569. For that, you need a Bentley.

570. Every time I go near this thing

571. it kicks me in the head and runs off with my wallet.

572. It costs 80 quid to fill up

573. and does 15 miles to the gallon, if I drive like an undertaker.

574. I have to rent a king-size garage to keep it in.

575. And it takes up two tokens at the jet wash.

576. Okay, servicing only costs about the same as it does for a mid-size BMW,

577. but it has to go in three times as often.

578. Which is why my mechanic buys his overalls from Gucci,

579. while I sit at home eating gruel.

580. Cheap thrills? (SMIRKS) You want to try this.

581. It's bloody terrifying.

582. It seems to me

583. you could have done that film a lot shorter than that.

584. Yes. It's, um...

585. For the money you spend on a basic Mondeo,

586. you could buy an old Bentley like I did. Don't!

587. Exactly, don't go anywhere near it.

588. It's a stupid idea, isn't it?

589. It is. It's fine as a hobby, but this is my only car.

590. - You don't even have another car? - I don't have another car.

591. Well, how many sacrifices do you have to make?

592. Um, going for a curry?

593. - Having mates. Having a proper car. - Yeah.

594. Any form of life.

595. And presumably, it won't fit in your garage since you live in London.

596. No. Well, actually, that's not quite true.

597. The first 12 feet fit in the garage magnificently.

598. - Even though I can't actually can't get out of the car. - (LAUGHS)

599. But then there are two feet on the pavement. - Yeah, you don't want that.

600. And then the last three feet are on the road and get a parking ticket.

601. And if I put the whole car on the road

602. you have to pay the council tax, obviously.

603. - 'Cause it's a house, really. - It is.

604. The thing is that it's not my sort of car,

605. - but then we do differ, don't we? - That's why I like it.

606. - Yeah, exactly. - (BOTH LAUGH)

607. You just look at what I say and go, "He's wrong!"

608. I looked in Auto Trader and thought,

609. "What wouldn't Jeremy buy out of all these cars? That one."

610. - Yeah, I respect that in a man. - "I'll have that!"

611. I really do.

612. - You said in the film you have to rent a garage. - Yeah.

613. Well, how far away?

614. I don't know. Seven miles or so.

615. You rent a garage seven miles from your house?

616. - Mmm. - How do you get there, then?

617. On my folding bicycle, obviously.

618. You are mad!

619. You're just clinically insane running a car like this.

620. I think you may be missing an essential point, though, Jeremy.

621. Comfy, though, with this sort of thing. I quite like this!

622. This is the one with the firm suspension!

623. No. Is it really?

624. - Yeah it is. - The "T" is for firm suspension.

625. It's got something rather preposterously called the Harvey Bailey Handling Kit.

626. Harvey Bailey didn't know anything about suspension either,

627. - by the looks of things. - No.

628. Despite all that,

629. I think... Well, let's say,

630. of all the cars in this studio, this one is actually the cheapest.

631. No, it's not. The Smart's cheaper.

632. That's 30... For £500 cheaper you can have a Smart.

633. - Okay, well... - Which doesn't do this.

634. - This would have been cheaper... - (AUDIENCE LAUGH)

635. This would have been cheaper if I had not felt sorry

636. for the bloke who was selling it, and haggled a bit more.

637. - That's a British disease. - It is a British disease.

638. "Oh, I feel really sorry for him." Yeah.

639. Am I right in saying this car is so cool,

640. that most people, by which I mean Jeremy, don't realise it yet?

641. Yes!

642. Okay, hands up if you think it's a cool car.

643. Yes, yeah. - That's one, two, three...

644. And on that bombshell, let's do the news, shall we?

645. Uh, news first of two hot new Peugeots.

646. The first of them is the new 206 GTi.

647. It's 180 bhp.

648. It's quite a lot in a small car. 14,995 quid, which isn't bad.

649. That is a hot little car.

650. The second one...

651. I can't quite understand this.

652. It's a 206, it's another GTi,

653. it's only the 138 bhp one, slightly less powerful,

654. but you'll notice it's an estate,

655. a little tiny estate car.

656. Now that, to me, is pointless.

657. More than that, it's a tragedy.

658. I just can't see why you'd need that in your life.

659. That's what the French call "idiotique".

660. - Yes! Don't get it. - (AUDIENCE LAUGH)

661. Don't like it. - I like it.

662. Why?

663. I like it 'cause the 206 is a good car. Are we all agreed?

664. - Yeah, it is. - It's a good hatchback.

665. The 206 is a good car. You put a peppy little engine in it

666. and there's space for your dog.

667. - What? - No, no, no, no, no.

668. You can get your dog in a hatchback!

669. No, you can't.

670. If you've got a big dog, it won't go in a 206.

671. No, hang on. Hang on.

672. A dog is for life.

673. If you've got a big dog already, you specify a big estate car.

674. - A Volvo. Yeah? - He's right.

675. If you've already got a small car,

676. you get a small dog like one of those mutant things that comes third at Crufts.

677. My point is, is that

678. if you had a dog and you needed the space, I think that's great.

679. Not if you're British,

680. - because we like dogs. Yes.

681. But actually it's a French car

682. and they can get a red setter in the back of a Renault 5.

683. And they crush it in so tightly,

684. that it actually looks like a photograph of a dog stuck on the window

685. rather than a real dog inside the car.

686. - I consider myself outvoted then. Yeah, you are.

687. Peugeot 206 GTi Estate, silly car.

688. - Very silly. - Silly car.

689. Ah, news, good news

690. for film buffs who like cars.

691. We all like films, we all like cars.

692. The Italian Job, probably one of the greatest films

693. for those of us who love cars.

694. There's gonna be a new one. There's a remake coming up.

695. - The Americans are doing this one. - Oh, God.

696. Yeah. Um...

697. There are gonna be a few differences.

698. First of all, the previous one was shot in Turin.

699. Yep. - Beautiful Italian city.

700. The new one is gonna be shot in the beautiful Italian city of Los Angeles.

701. - Right. - Which technically isn't Italian, of course.

702. - No. Well, hang on then.

703. If it's not in Italy,

704. is it gonna be called The Job?

705. It didn't actually specify that there was gonna be a job.

706. - Right. So, it's "The". - Just "The". The!

707. "Out now, The".

708. And who are they going to get to play Michael Caine?

709. Well, probably Vin Diesel. He's doing everything else, isn't he?

710. 'Cause who did they get to do the remake of the... Get Carter?

711. - Stallone. It was Stallone. - It was Stallone, wasn't it?

712. You can't have him going,

713. (MIMICKING IN LOW VOICE) "I only asked you to blow the bloody doors off."

714. No. Uh...

715. The other thing about The Italian Job is,

716. you know, when it ends and the bus is sort of teetering on the brink of disaster,

717. and then Michael goes,

718. - (IN COCKNEY ACCENT) "I've got a great idea". Yeah.

719. If it's an American, it won't be a great idea, will it?

720. - No. That's true! - They'll just be rubbish

721. and then there'll be a huge explosion

722. in which some British people will be killed by accident.

723. And then...

724. Tom Cruise will come down in a parachute.

725. - Yeah. - And it'll be a rubbish film.

726. - Yes. - Uh, what else have we got in the news?

727. Since we are not... Are we gonna bother going to see that?

728. No! - Probably not. If you seen a film

729. coming to your cinema just called... What did you say it was?

730. - The! The!

731. Exactly. Don't bother.

732. New cars since we've been off air.

733. Renault Kangoo. Anyone interested in that?

734. No!

735. - I am. £9,100. I am.

736. It's a van with windows,

737. a bit like the Citroen Berlingo.

738. Uh, a little bit more expensive than the Berlingo

739. for reasons that aren't immediately apparent.

740. Quite like those cars, actually. They're all right.

741. Um... Saab 9-3 Convertible.

742. Basically they've taken a tin-opener to the 9-3,

743. which, I think I'm right in saying, is a Vectra.

744. You're the big expert on this sort of thing, aren't you? Is it a...

745. It is a Vectra, but it's got a Saab badge on it.

746. - Right, so, if you want... - There's some slightly more rounded bits.

747. Yeah, a convertible Vauxhall Vectra, there you are.

748. Can't think why. Um...

749. Now...

750. All those people who write in and say,

751. "You're only interested in expensive cars." You're damn right.

752. The new Lamborghini Gallardo!

753. This has got a V10 5-litre... I'm gonna have to go to the lavatory

754. if I've to say, "V10 5-litre engine" again.

755. 500 bhp, fantastic-looking thing.

756. It's gonna be on sale in Britain I think later this year.

757. Uh... Prices are anticipated to be around £120,000,

758. so it will be competing with the Ferrari 360.

759. And actually, if the... If its big brother,

760. the, uh, Murcielago, is anything to go by, that will be,

761. - 'cause they're owned by Audi now, aren't they? They are.

762. - That will be a stonking good car! Mmm.

763. I think they're gonna have a problem with that.

764. We've had this mystery fax, okay?

765. It came to the office, some telephone numbers and a picture.

766. - Yes. - What you would say that was?

767. That a Lotus Esprit.

768. Yeah, it's a Lotus Esprit. - Anybody else?

769. - Lotus Esprit, yeah? Lotus. Yeah.

770. Now, this has actually come from the manufacturer.

771. - When you... From Lotus. - From Lotus?

772. When you ring the number, they will say to you,

773. "What's that picture that's come through on your fax machine?"

774. And you'll say, (MIMICKING) "That's the Lotus Esprit."

775. And the reason they're doing is that is because they want to prove

776. that this is their shape and then copyright it.

777. How can they do that?

778. - They can't... - Well, I don't... Well, we can ensure they don't, okay?

779. If you get one of these on your fax machine,

780. ring the number. And when they say, "What's that picture?"

781. You say, "That's a piece of Double Gloucester."

782. That way, every time somebody buys a Ferrari or a Lotus

783. or... What was the other one?

784. - A Lamborghini. - A Lamborghini, or indeed, a Seat,

785. if they ever get round to building this thing.

786. It's more money in royalties

787. for Britain's beleaguered cheesemakers.

788. - Nice thought. - It's good news for UK...

789. Good point. - Yeah.

790. Good point.

791. Right. A quick question for ya.

792. How much do you reckon this F355 is worth?

793. - Give me some figures. What do you reckon? - AUDIENCE: 90.

794. 80, 90, 60, 40? None of those. I'll tell you how much it's worth.

795. It's worth about 20 grand.

796. This is our cheap thrills programme,

797. there'd be no room for a Ferrari on that.

798. This isn't a Ferrari.

799. This is actually a Toyota MR2

800. that's been made to look almost exactly like a F355.

801. And the interesting thing is, the bloke who built this,

802. once he'd turned his Toyota MR2 into a Ferrari replica,

803. rang his insurance company.

804. "Well," they said, "that is now classed as a kit car."

805. So his insurance premium went down from 1,200 quid to 300 quid.

806. So there's a cheap thrill.

807. But there is a problem, and it links back

808. to what James was saying about copyrighting cheese.

809. And it's this. Ferrari aren't likely to be too pleased

810. about somebody copying their shape.

811. In fact, they'll probably go after the bloke who built it.

812. Right, now, for this programme I was asked to find a fun car for not much money.

813. And I failed, completely.

814. This is the Bowler Wildcat.

815. Nice name. It's based on a Land Rover,

816. but it has one key element that's missing from normal Land Rovers. Speed.

817. An Aston Martin DB7 will go from 0-60 mph in 4.9 seconds.

818. This will do it in 4.8.

819. It does cost 50 grand.

820. But everything's relative.

821. This is the best off-roader in the world.

822. And it's road-legal.

823. So, how has a sheep-lugger

824. from Solihull been turned into an off-road Ferrari?

825. The Bowler Wildcats are built by two brothers in Derbyshire.

826. Instead of the usual standard heavy chassis,

827. they use a raised-car style space frame.

828. That takes three weeks just to weld together.

829. These body panels, fibreglass.

830. The engine is a 5-litre,

831. 300 bhp.

832. Land Rover TVR hybrid V8.

833. And the interior... Well...

834. There isn't one! But, you know, you just don't care.

835. You just don't.

836. Fifty grand might sound like a lot of money

837. for a car that started life as a Land Rover.

838. You can buy a BMW M5

839. for that money.

840. But think about it.

841. A lot of manufacturers claim to have

842. a racing pedigree.

843. But you couldn't turn up at Le Mans

844. in your M5... Or your Ferrari, for that matter.

845. But you could buy a Bowler Wildcat and the next day

846. be on the start line at the Paris-Dakar.

847. Now, the scary bit. I don't like this bit.

848. Straight on. Left. Ooh. Ow!

849. That hurt.

850. The suspension is made by Bowler

851. and it is, of course, fully adjustable.

852. The spec list

853. includes FIA-spec fuel tanks,

854. an integrated fire extinguisher,

855. and best of all, on board water supply

856. for desert racing. Yee-ha-ha!

857. The power from that

858. 5-litre, half-TVR,

859. half-Land Rover V8

860. is just eating the world!

861. It's incredible!

862. This is fast in a whole new way.

863. This... I... Ha-ha! Oh-ho!

864. Oh, yes!

865. Yes!

866. Ahh!

867. How can anything survive this? Including me?

868. At this moment now, second! Third!

869. Ah-ha-ha!

870. What a feeling!

871. I am a driving god!

872. That's the most fun I've ever had in a car.

873. But I tell ya,

874. you can only do so much in it.

875. We haven't even started yet!

876. Thanks.

877. That's Jim Weaver. He races this.

878. He's raced everything else.

879. And now he's racing this.

880. Oh, good.

881. Better put me helmet on.

882. I drove it fast.

883. But Jim took it to another level.

884. This was a truly epic ride.

885. Incredible.

886. And most incredible of all was just

887. how the machinery could stand this kind of punishment.

888. What does it do to your insides?

889. I dislodged a lung in Italy.

890. Dislodged a lung?

891. Of course, they tested the Bowler.

892. In computer simulations,

893. it simply outpaced the computer.

894. After a 40-foot drop onto its nose

895. in the desert,

896. nothing, nothing happened.

897. You could stand 10-ton weights on its roof

898. and nothing would happen.

899. Nothing at all.

900. Do you know, it's not just a cheap thrill.

901. At 50,000 grand, it's a bargain

902. because it really is a supercar.

903. More than that, it's a supercar

904. that's virtually indestructible.

905. That was, I think we all agreed, a fantastic film, yes?

906. Yes. - Brilliant.

907. And a brilliant car as well.

908. But there's just one tiny little bit of it I want to see again.

909. Can we... May we?

910. What a feeling!

911. I'm a driving god!

912. "I am a driving god"?

913. When you take a dog for a walk,

914. "I am a dog-walking god!"

915. It was a big moment.

916. It's like being in a cartoon in that thing. And yes...

917. - You got carried away. - I got very carried away.

918. Okay, I'm not a driving god, all right?

919. It was a mistake to make that claim.

920. But I do know someone who is a driving god.

921. To find out how the Bowler would do on the fearsome Top Gear test track,

922. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

923. His Holiness, The Stig.

924. So it's off the line with a bit of wheel spin there

925. from all four wheels.

926. Remember, this thing does 0-60 in 4.8 seconds.

927. Wonder what The Stig's gonna be listening to?

928. It doesn't get much worse than that.

929. That is grizzly.

930. Right, it's into Chicago now,

931. and by the looks of it there, he's lost it!

932. No, he's kept it all together. Just listen to that V8.

933. Clearly The Stig isn't there.

934. Look, there's a... He's into the Hammerhead

935. and there's a bit of body roll starting there.

936. The Stig is really pushing this thing as hard as it's gonna go.

937. The real test ahead now, of course.

938. He's gonna be coming up to the Follow Through soon.

939. And the Bowler, I don't know, is it gonna roll?

940. It looks surprisingly solid through there, actually.

941. Very little body roll.

942. 300 horsepower now,

943. belting out onto the straight, he's got, what, just two bends to go now.

944. And again... Ooh, my word, that is on the edge!

945. He's gone Gambon Corner ahead of him.

946. And he's gone off-road! Which is appropriate, I suppose.

947. And he crosses the line in...

948. - One minute... - Is it up here?

949. 39.4.

950. There you go. Now... Hold on a second!

951. It's not hard to be a driving god, frankly,

952. in a car that slow!

953. Now look, for a car like that...

954. That £50,000 car.

955. I think that is pretty impressive.

956. Actually, I'll grant you, it is impressive.

957. I was gonna argue. It's in the script I should argue with you,

958. but I'm not going to 'cause I love that car.

959. Anyway, that's it for this evening.

960. - And... - Actually, no, it's not.

961. That isn't it because...

962. It seems the driving god has more to say, at this point.

963. What is it, driving god?

964. Things I wish I'd never said.

965. Because, earlier on,

966. you may remember that Nissan Sunny that I toasted.

967. Well, while we had the Jet dragster there,

968. it seemed a shame to burn just one thing I hate.

969. So, have you got anything else to burn?

970. - No, that's it. - That's it, all finished. Okay, we can end.

971. Next week, the show is all about luxury,

972. spelt with two "g's" in the middle.

973. So, pull up your Parker Knoll, crack open some Lambrusco,

974. and settle down for a story we've got on the new Rolls-Royce,

975. we've got something on one of the Queen's cars,

976. and we set out to find Britain's fastest political party.

977. See you then. Good night.