1. Hello! Hello, everybody!Copy !req
2. Yes, we're older, we're fatter,Copy !req
3. we're greyer, but we're back!Copy !req
4. We're back!Copy !req
5. And for the first time ever, we are
being broadcast, simultaneously,Copy !req
6. right around the world.Copy !req
7. So, bonjour, g'day,Copy !req
8. moshi moshi und wilkommen!Copy !req
9. And coming up now is a taste
of what you can expectCopy !req
10. over the next ten
- yes, ten - weeks.Copy !req
11. Are you ready?Copy !req
12. Now!Copy !req
13. We are revolutionising
the world of cowboying.Copy !req
14. This is all perfectly normal.Copy !req
15. Do not let American Top GearCopy !req
16. lap British Top Gear.Copy !req
17. Hammond!Copy !req
18. Coming to get you, Hammond.Copy !req
19. You need a new
rear exhaust silencer.Copy !req
20. God's holy trousers!Copy !req
21. Calm, controlled, smooth.Copy !req
22. Good for the patient.Copy !req
23. Fuelled up.
I'm amped up. I'm pumped up.Copy !req
24. But it is...
The Stig's Australian cousin.Copy !req
25. Argh! Argh! Argh!Copy !req
26. May God have mercy.Copy !req
27. What in God's name is happening?Copy !req
28. That all looks very exciting,Copy !req
29. but we start tonight
with our sensible hats on.Copy !req
30. You see, a few years ago,
we staged a race across London.Copy !req
31. We used a car, public transport,
bicycle and a speedboat,Copy !req
32. down the River Thames.
And it was one of our moreCopy !req
33. genuinely interesting tests. Yeah,
it was, but it's always troubled us,Copy !req
34. because the bicycle,
ridden by me, won.Copy !req
35. And the car, which is
the whole point of this show,Copy !req
36. came home stone-dead last.
That's cos he was driving it.Copy !req
37. Well, yeah.
It wasn't entirely fair, was it?Copy !req
38. The car I had was
a gigantic Mercedes off-roader.Copy !req
39. It's not really suitable
for London traffic.Copy !req
40. Yes, whatever, OK? We decided
we would re-run the race,Copy !req
41. only this time, we'd use a car
that was a little more suitableCopy !req
42. for city centre work.Copy !req
43. Absolutely, the question now,
though, was, which city?Copy !req
44. Because we'd already
done London, obviously.Copy !req
45. So, Jeremy got a map and a pin
and because he's very tallCopy !req
46. and he has monkey's arms...Copy !req
47. THAT is where we ended up.Copy !req
48. This is St Petersburg,Copy !req
49. in Russia -
the most northerlyCopy !req
50. big city in the world.Copy !req
51. And this is the car I'll be using.Copy !req
52. This is the two-seat Renault Twizy.Copy !req
53. It costs just £7,000Copy !req
54. and it's an all-electric car,Copy !req
55. designed specifically for the
narrow streets of Europe's cities.Copy !req
56. With this, I can't really lose.Copy !req
57. Yes, he can,
because I shall be using this...Copy !req
58. It's the same sort of bicycle
that Chris Froome usedCopy !req
59. in this year's Tour de France.Copy !req
60. Now, it is expensive.Copy !req
61. £9,000.
It's £2,000 more than James's car.Copy !req
62. It's a lot for a bicycle, but
it's made of special carbon fibre,Copy !req
63. so it weighs just 860 grams.Copy !req
64. I love this thing.Copy !req
65. Every detail, it's just... Look at
that, it's magnificent. Morning.Copy !req
66. Special.Nice. Yeah, I'd say.Copy !req
67. Bloody hell!I know!Copy !req
68. That's amazing. Yeah.Copy !req
69. Yeah. Not good for you,
I'm afraid, Hammond.Copy !req
70. I've got some medical research here.Copy !req
71. That racing saddle will putCopy !req
72. between 25% and 40% of your
body weight on your perineum,Copy !req
73. which is the bit of you between
your anus and your scrotum.Copy !req
74. And, as a result, blood oxygen
levels in surrounding areasCopy !req
75. will drop by 80%.
What are you saying?Copy !req
76. I just... Medical advice - cycling's
good for you. It's healthy... Wrong!Copy !req
77. .. gets your lungs working,
non-impact. Totally wrong.Copy !req
78. Good for your cardiovascular
system... See... bad for your chap.Copy !req
79. My what? Your chap.
Uh, honestly, listen to this.Copy !req
80. "Cyclists aged over 40
are consideredCopy !req
81. "at greater risk
of erectile dysfunction."Copy !req
82. Yes, thank you, Dr Clarkson.
That's fascinating.Copy !req
83. What about The Stig?Copy !req
84. Oh, he's just on
public transport, as before, yeah.Copy !req
85. And you?Well, now, you see,
last time, as you know, I usedCopy !req
86. a speedboat to go across London,
but at the end,Copy !req
87. it couldn't go on land, so I had
to run, which cost me the race.Copy !req
88. This time, however,
I've chosen a boatCopy !req
89. that can.Copy !req
90. Hang on a minute,
isn't that a hover-van?Copy !req
91. It looks like a hover-van.
Well, it is. Well, listen, gentlemen,Copy !req
92. most people laughed at our idea,Copy !req
93. when we went on the River Avon in
ours, but the Russians have takenCopy !req
94. our idea and put it into production!
It's a hover-van.It's a hover-van!Copy !req
95. Are you feeling proud?
I... This is fantastic.Copy !req
96. Gull wing doors.
We didn't think of that.Copy !req
97. It's got a proper dashboard!
I know. It's from a Lada.Copy !req
98. It really does look like a van.
It is a van. It's got Lada engines,Copy !req
99. two of them,
72 horsepower, reliable.Copy !req
100. 72 horsepower? Each.72?Copy !req
101. How do you operate it?
Yeah, what do those two pedals do?Copy !req
102. These? Yeah.Copy !req
103. Pitch. What pitch?
Of? Propeller pitch.Copy !req
104. How do you steer it, with the wheel?Copy !req
105. Ah, no. Yes.No, yes?Copy !req
106. When you're going quickly, this...Copy !req
107. As you can see,
I'm turning the rudders, yes? Yeah.Copy !req
108. But that doesn't work at slow speed.
How do you steer it at slow speed?Copy !req
109. With pitch.So, if you're trying
to turn tightly at low speed,Copy !req
110. when your rudders aren't
very effective... Yeah.Copy !req
111. ..do you use differential throttle
or differential pitch?Copy !req
112. Yes, I...
So, which do you do?Both.Copy !req
113. Are there instructions?
Yeah, all in Russian.Copy !req
114. So, you're going
to race us in a hovercraft,Copy !req
115. with a fraction of the power,
anyway, of the one we built,Copy !req
116. plus, with controls
you don't understand,Copy !req
117. and the instructions are in Russian
which you don't speak.Copy !req
118. 'With my confidence brimming,Copy !req
119. 'it was time to prepare
for our important race.'Copy !req
120. If I'd come out and my bike had been
nicked, then, I'd have been furious.Copy !req
121. We'd start at
the Vostochny Yacht ClubCopy !req
122. and, from there,
we'd race for 18 miles,Copy !req
123. all the way across St Petersburg,Copy !req
124. to the finish line
on Yelagin Island,Copy !req
125. outside a palace calledCopy !req
126. Yelagin... Ums-struss-struss-gids...Copy !req
127. That's all in Russian.Copy !req
128. That's all in Russian.Copy !req
129. Right, this is it.
Goodbye, Stig. Forward into glory.Copy !req
130. Here we go, defending the honour
of the car, sort of.Copy !req
131. I don't know what any of that means!Copy !req
132. Right, junction.Copy !req
133. I've got my feet clipped in
the pedals, I simply cannot stop.Copy !req
134. Stupid boy.Copy !req
135. Wrong gear.Copy !req
136. More power.Copy !req
137. Move!Copy !req
138. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
139. Oh, Christ!Copy !req
140. Oh, no. That's...Copy !req
141. a rock, a rock, a rock.Copy !req
142. Well, we're just going into
those reeds and this does nothing.Copy !req
143. Back!Copy !req
144. It'sBLEEP BLEEP BLEEP.Copy !req
145. Forwards, again, on that.
This is... I'm busy, I'm very busy.Copy !req
146. I think I saw a bump.Copy !req
147. Ow!Copy !req
148. That's probably
ruined my sausage a bit more.Copy !req
149. Bloomin' heck!
Oh... da-da-da!Copy !req
150. Oh, God strewth!Copy !req
151. Now, it's just going round
in circles. Pitch, pitch, pitch.Copy !req
152. Right, now, I want to go that way.Copy !req
153. Christ on a bike!
I'm stuck in my own wake!Copy !req
154. 'As my three opponents...'Copy !req
155. Come on!'Well, two of them,Copy !req
156. 'settled into the race,
I was getting to know my car.'Copy !req
157. So, what is a Twizy, exactly?
Well, it's a metal cage,Copy !req
158. this frame, and there are
plastic panels hung all over it.Copy !req
159. There are two seats,
one behind the other, like a tandem.Copy !req
160. Underneath me is the battery pack.
That powers a 17-horsepowerCopy !req
161. electric motor,
driving the rear wheels.Copy !req
162. 'Acceleration?Copy !req
163. 'Well, it can't actually go from
0-60, cos its top speed is 50.Copy !req
164. 'But it does have a claimed
range of 60 miles.Copy !req
165. 'And, as an extra treat...'Copy !req
166. .. scissor doors.
Have you got scissor doors, sir?Copy !req
167. No! Nyet!Copy !req
168. However, the Twizy is stone age
technology, compared to my bicycle.Copy !req
169. I actually have
electronic gears on this,Copy !req
170. so when I hit the button
on the handlebars,Copy !req
171. the derailleur, the thing
at the back that changes gear,Copy !req
172. moves across,
with a Robocop-like noise.Copy !req
173. 'And to make the whole thing
as streamlined as possible,Copy !req
174. 'it's been shaped
in Jaguar's wind tunnel.'Copy !req
175. It even directs the air
around the front forksCopy !req
176. and around the drinking bottle,
so it doesn't hit the rider's shins,Copy !req
177. which are very unaerodynamic.
Ha-ha! There's May. Yes!Copy !req
178. Hammond, here's what
17 horsepower will do.Copy !req
179. Yee-hah!Copy !req
180. Oh, God.Copy !req
181. On board the only petrol-powered
vehicle in the race...Copy !req
182. ..I'd discovered the solution to my
problems, as ever, was more power.Copy !req
183. If you go quite quickly,
the steering works well.Copy !req
184. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Now I'm heading for the wall! No!Copy !req
185. I'm in a power slide!
I'm doing a skid!Copy !req
186. Out of the way, birds,
I can't steer!Copy !req
187. Stig, meanwhile,
had finished with his tramCopy !req
188. and was now heading
for the underground station.Copy !req
189. We're back in front. It's going
to be like this all the way.Copy !req
190. 'On the river, I finally
had HMS Awkward under control.'Copy !req
191. Come on, hover-van, catch the May!Copy !req
192. And there's another hover-van!
My, they're popular!Copy !req
193. 22mph. Keeping a bit in reserve.Copy !req
194. Long way yet to go.Copy !req
195. Oh, really? Really?Copy !req
196. Overtakes a bicycle, with ease.Copy !req
197. Get some speed on.Copy !req
198. Oh, hang on, I think that's him.
Oh, no, there he is.Copy !req
199. Come on, van!Copy !req
200. That, I believe, is James May.Copy !req
201. Where is Hammond?
I don't see... There he is!Copy !req
202. Richard Hammond is in sight
and he's behind me and slow!Copy !req
203. Ah.Copy !req
204. 'Seconds later, I also took James.'Copy !req
205. Cocking Nora.Copy !req
206. Yes! Let's go win this race.Copy !req
207. By this stage,
Stig had found a metro station.Copy !req
208. And in this weird,
subterranean world,Copy !req
209. he was distracted
by many wondrous things.Copy !req
210. Can I take him in that gap?Copy !req
211. Making a lane... Yes!Copy !req
212. The interesting thing about
the Twizy is, it is a genuinelyCopy !req
213. small car. It's a genuine city car.Copy !req
214. BLEEPthere's a tram.Copy !req
215. I hate trams. They're trains running
down the road. Trains can't stop.Copy !req
216. Whoa! Oh-oh-oh! Chuffin' tramlines.Copy !req
217. 'Still, it could be worse...'Copy !req
218. Oh, no, don't want to go on the
tram tracks! I'm on the tram tracks!Copy !req
219. I don't want to...
Argh! There's one coming in the way!Copy !req
220. BLEEP. Oh! Argh! BLEEP.Copy !req
221. BLEEP.Copy !req
222. Ah.Copy !req
223. Oh.Copy !req
224. Argh!Copy !req
225. Oh.Copy !req
226. Oh. Ah.Copy !req
227. How's my bike?Copy !req
228. Yeah. Oh, that's not good.Copy !req
229. The derailleur's come off.Copy !req
230. It's sheared.Copy !req
231. Do you know what?Copy !req
232. I think St Petersburg
has beaten me already.Copy !req
233. 'When the news reached my colleagues,Copy !req
234. 'they were suitably saddened.'Copy !req
235. I mean, the one thing
you have to avoid, on a bicycle,Copy !req
236. in a city with trams, is tramlines.Copy !req
237. So, the fruit and nut-powered
Richard Hammond has not only ruinedCopy !req
238. his testes, his penis
and his anus, but he's fallen off!Copy !req
239. This is a proper three-way
race to the finish now.Copy !req
240. James, hang on.Copy !req
241. James, how can you call this a car,Copy !req
242. when it's got no heater,Copy !req
243. the boot is the size
of a ladybird's clutch bagCopy !req
244. and the doors and windows
are optional extras?Copy !req
245. Yeah, but I like it cos it's simple.Copy !req
246. James, it can't even do 0-60.Copy !req
247. Yeah, but it's better
than his hovercraft.It is not!Copy !req
248. Well, it's less deadly.
Hovercraft isn't deadly.Copy !req
249. Yes, it is.
Listen, Hammond, two points...Copy !req
250. Number one, I'm the only person
in that race who is representingCopy !req
251. the Holy Trinity
of oil, coal and gas.Copy !req
252. The Holy Trinity? Yes, Holy Trinity.Copy !req
253. And number two, every single city in
the world underuses its waterways.Copy !req
254. They've all got jammed-up roads,
congested trains, packed busesCopy !req
255. and, right in the middle,
a river with nothing on it,Copy !req
256. apart from a couple of ducks.Copy !req
257. That's because everyone's
terrified that there might beCopy !req
258. somebody on it in a hovercraft.
Well, yes,Copy !req
259. I agree waterways are underused,
but the hovercraft is not the answer.Copy !req
260. It is! No, it isn't,
so let's do the news.Copy !req
261. Um...Copy !req
262. How?How can we do the news,
when it's over thereCopy !req
263. and we're, all three, over here?
See, normally,Copy !req
264. we say, "Let's do the news"
and, well, two of us doCopy !req
265. and one's over there.
He starts it and then we join.Copy !req
266. But if we're all here...
No, we can't... Um.Copy !req
267. I know. While we
and the cameras move over there,Copy !req
268. we'll show some footage
of a squirrel.Copy !req
269. Right, the news...Copy !req
270. Sh, sh, sh, sh. And first
of all, bad news, I'm afraid,Copy !req
271. because Britain's motorway network
is going to get a new typeCopy !req
272. of speed camera,
which is grey and invisible.Copy !req
273. And unlike any other motorway
speed camera we've seen in the past,Copy !req
274. this doesn't just come on when the
limit is lowered for some reason,Copy !req
275. but it's on
all the time, constantly.Copy !req
276. Really? Yeah, constantly.Copy !req
277. That is funny, cos I seem
to remember the Tory Party sayingCopy !req
278. they were going to
"end the war on the motorist."Copy !req
279. I remember that. But you can end
a war by brutally killing everyone.Copy !req
280. Hertfordshire Police said,
"It's not in the public interestCopy !req
281. "to tell anyone where the cameras
are." So, fair enough,Copy !req
282. we'll pay the fine.
"I paid it into a bank account,Copy !req
283. "but I'm not going to tell you
which one."Work it out, yeah.Copy !req
284. I'll tell you the really bad news
is that they're alreadyCopy !req
285. up and running in Kent,
by the way, these cameras.Copy !req
286. Steve Harley, out of Cockney Rebel,
has been busted by one of them.Copy !req
287. No! Yes, he's 63 years old.
He's eking a meagre living out of,Copy !req
288. let's be honest,
only one hit single.Copy !req
289. And now, they've nailed him.
How fast was he going?70.Copy !req
290. But somebody in a motorway control
room, in polyester trousers,Copy !req
291. with appallingly-smelly armpits,
had decided that the speed limitCopy !req
292. at that particular moment,
for no good reason, should be 40.Copy !req
293. 40?40.40mph on a motorway?Copy !req
294. Yes, that was the speed limit that
was prevailing when he was caught.Copy !req
295. How much did he get fined?£1,000.
1,000 quid, for that?Copy !req
296. But I have an idea. You know
if you download a song?Yeah.Copy !req
297. The artist gets 49p.
Now, why don't we download,Copy !req
298. Make Me Smile?
I love that song.Copy !req
299. Everybody loves that song. You can't
trust someone who doesn't like it.Copy !req
300. What are you doing, James?Copy !req
301. I've already got it, but I can
delete it and download it again.Copy !req
302. Imagine everybody did it!Copy !req
303. He'd wake up tomorrow
and realise, "I'm number one!Copy !req
304. "Where did that come from?"He
wouldn't know, if he's not watchingCopy !req
305. Top Gear. "Why am I number one,
all of a sudden?"Copy !req
306. That would cheer him up. And the
great thing is if he does goCopy !req
307. to number one, he'll have enough
money to help other peopleCopy !req
308. out with their speeding fines.
We could call it theCopy !req
309. Make Me Smile Foundation.Copy !req
310. Oh, that's a beautiful idea!Copy !req
311. He could take out a small ad
in the papers. He could say,Copy !req
312. "Caught speeding?
Come up and see me."Copy !req
313. It could work. Beautiful idea.Copy !req
314. Now, Boris Johnson, who is a mayor,
has decided he wants to make LondonCopy !req
315. an ultra-low emission zone. That's
easy, just get rid of all the buses.Copy !req
316. And he's back on his high horse.No,
cos this time, I'm backed by fact.Copy !req
317. Are you, really? Yes, I am, because
the levels of nitrogen dioxideCopy !req
318. pollution are measured
constantly in Oxford Street,Copy !req
319. right in the middle of London. I've
got the graph here from the weekCopy !req
320. before last. You can see here.
7th, this is the peak.Copy !req
321. Yes, that's the 7th of January.
8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th -Copy !req
322. the day of the bus strike.Copy !req
323. Yeah.So, there you are. You want to
save the world, burn a bus.Copy !req
324. Let us move on. Yes, let's.Copy !req
325. I think we should talk about the cars
that we're looking forward toCopy !req
326. this coming year. Good idea. Yes.Copy !req
327. Tell you what I'm looking forward
to this year, coming up? What?Copy !req
328. Let's have a look at it. The Ariel
Nomad. Look at that. Come on!Copy !req
329. It's just scaffolding.
No, it is brilliant, is what it is.Copy !req
330. It's from Ariel,
the same people who made the Atom,Copy !req
331. the car that ripped his face off?
I remember it.It grew back, sadly,Copy !req
332. but this thing is, kind of, an
off-road version of the same thing.Copy !req
333. It's got a 2.4 litre engine now and
it's got all those body panels there.Copy !req
334. They're made out of the same material
they use for traffic conesCopy !req
335. and boat fenders,
so that thing is indestructible.Copy !req
336. Which is a pity.It's brilliant!
I love it! Look at that!Copy !req
337. Yes, but what
are you going to do with it?Copy !req
338. Well, drive it about.
You can drive it on the road.Copy !req
339. That goes on the road. Yeah, but you
can drive a tractor on the roadCopy !req
340. or one of those massive cranes
that do 8mph.I like those, too.Copy !req
341. I want one. I'm going to have one.
It's brilliant.Copy !req
342. You are like a rural simpleton,
you know that?Copy !req
343. What do you mean,
he's LIKE a rural simpleton?Copy !req
344. The car I'm looking forward
to driving this yearCopy !req
345. is a hybrid, actually.
Is it?Da-da!Copy !req
346. There you go. Look at that.
That's the new Honda NSX.Copy !req
347. Been waiting years for this.
It's got three electric motors -Copy !req
348. one for each of the front wheels
and then one at the back,Copy !req
349. to supplement the twin-turbo V6 -Copy !req
350. 550hp, weighs virtually nothing.
£100,000. But if you think about it,Copy !req
351. that's a tenth of the price of a
McLaren P1. That's just fabulous.Copy !req
352. I don't like it.
That's cos you're a rural simpleton.Copy !req
353. No, it doesn't look right.It does
look right! Is it exciting enough?Copy !req
354. No, I do like it. I think it looks
great and sounds interesting,Copy !req
355. but I thought you would be more
interested in this, the new Ford GT.Copy !req
356. Oh, yeah. That's more you. Nah.
Why not? I'd have thought that was...Copy !req
357. No, I know. I've been there
and I've, sort of,Copy !req
358. done that, with Ford GTs.Copy !req
359. Yeah. They'll fit it with a burglar
alarm that will go off every timeCopy !req
360. you fall asleep or when your child's
doing some important solo workCopy !req
361. in the school production -
"Woo-woo-woo!"Copy !req
362. This is weirdly specific.
Stuff that happened to you.Copy !req
363. I know what will happen
and then you'll drive homeCopy !req
364. and get a phone call from somebody,
saying, "Your car's been stolen."Copy !req
365. You'll say,
"It hasn't, I'm driving it."Copy !req
366. "We don't believe you.
What's your mother's maiden name?Copy !req
367. "Did she like boiled eggs
done for three minutes?"Copy !req
368. "I don't know."We're going
to shut the engine down"Copy !req
369. and you're at the side of the
roadCopy !req
370. and get hypothermia and then
the alarm will go off again. No.Copy !req
371. And I'm, sort of, done now, as you
know, cos I'm mature and wise,Copy !req
372. with mid-engined cars. That does
look great, but just not for me.Copy !req
373. Now, that's nearly the end of
the news, but before we conclude,Copy !req
374. I need to say something, actually.
I'm sure a lot of you sawCopy !req
375. the Patagonia Special
and I want to admit, here and now,Copy !req
376. in front of everybody,
I made a terrible, terrible mistake.Copy !req
377. Nobody knows I'm going to do this -
not the producers, nobody -Copy !req
378. but I want to get it off my chest.
Right in the middle of the programmeCopy !req
379. I said that the condor is the
largest flying bird in the world.Copy !req
380. It isn't.
It's the wandering albatrossCopy !req
381. and I'm deeply, deeply sorry.Copy !req
382. Well done for getting
that off your chest. Feel better?Copy !req
383. No, if you make a mistake,
own up to it and move on!Copy !req
384. Fair enough. Right...Copy !req
385. ..now, we must move on to this,Copy !req
386. the Lamborghini Gallardo. It is
the company's best-selling car.Copy !req
387. In fact, of all the Lamborghinis
ever sold, over half of themCopy !req
388. have been Gallardos.Copy !req
389. Now, though, sadly, it's gone
and in its place, there is a new car.Copy !req
390. Here it is.Copy !req
391. It's called the Huracan, after
a famous Spanish fighting bull.Copy !req
392. It costs £187,000.Copy !req
393. And it's brand new,
from the ground up.Copy !req
394. Oh, well,
that's a problem right there.Copy !req
395. I could've sworn this car
was bright green,Copy !req
396. but according to the options list,
it's Verde Mantis.Copy !req
397. Other colours available includeCopy !req
398. "Arancio Borealis,
Grigio Nimbus and Marrone Alcestis."Copy !req
399. How's a Premiership footballer
going to get his head around that?Copy !req
400. Anyway... to business.Copy !req
401. Oh-ho!Copy !req
402. Besides having to take over
the baton from the Gallardo...Copy !req
403. .. the Huracan also needs to hold
its own in a game of top trumpsCopy !req
404. against the Ferrari 458
and the McLaren 650S.Copy !req
405. To do that, there are
some very big boxes to tick.Copy !req
406. 0-60 needs to be around
three seconds... which it is.Copy !req
407. Top speed needs to be around
200mph... which it is.Copy !req
408. And horsepower needs to be
around the 600-mark,Copy !req
409. which it is.Copy !req
410. All of that is thanks to
a heavily-reworked versionCopy !req
411. of the Gallardo's 5.2 litre V10.Copy !req
412. And as those revs climb, the
jackhammer choir really kicks in.Copy !req
413. The Huracan also has
a brand-new, state-of-the-artCopy !req
414. twin-clutch gearbox,
which is superb.Copy !req
415. That's a good thing, because
the one in the Gallardo was...Copy !req
416. Well, it was crap. It was awful!Copy !req
417. This, though, this is a joy.Copy !req
418. And there's more hi-tech weaponry
at this car's disposal.Copy !req
419. It has carbon ceramic brakes,
as standard.Copy !req
420. The back end is sculpted
so it doesn't needCopy !req
421. a stuck-on rear spoiler
for downforce.Copy !req
422. And, like most Lambos,
it has a four-wheel drive system.Copy !req
423. But not just
ANY four-wheel drive system.Copy !req
424. It has three gyroscopes on board,
like you get on a fighter jet,Copy !req
425. and they're busy monitoring
everything that's going on.Copy !req
426. They send all that information back
to the four-wheel drive brainCopy !req
427. and it then decides how much power
to send to each individual wheel.Copy !req
428. My head hurts just thinking
about how all that works.Copy !req
429. The result is, you can corner
at sensational speeds.Copy !req
430. I'm glued down.
The grip is astonishing.Copy !req
431. It's almost undefeatable.Copy !req
432. If slithering about is your thing,
you can have fun in the Huracan...Copy !req
433. Ye gods!Copy !req
434. .. but you need an enormous pair
of gentleman balloons...Copy !req
435. .. and your own personal airfield
to play on.Copy !req
436. And, for me,
this is where the problems begin.Copy !req
437. This Huracan has been designed,
on the road, to feel tameCopy !req
438. and user friendly.Copy !req
439. You don't get that special
Lamborghini mentalist feeling,Copy !req
440. unless you are here, with an entire
airfield under your wheels.Copy !req
441. And that's a bit
of a heartbreaker, actually.Copy !req
442. And while we're on it,
there's another issue.Copy !req
443. And it's a big thing.Copy !req
444. Basically - bear with me on this -
it's the looks.Copy !req
445. I know it's bright green and low
and there's a bull on the front,Copy !req
446. but I just don't think that
the Huracan is special enoughCopy !req
447. for a Lamborghini.Copy !req
448. Lamborghinis should be jaw-dropping -Copy !req
449. that's why they make
the best bedroom wall posters -Copy !req
450. and I just don't see it with this.Copy !req
451. I think the problem is, this has been
designed to sell many, many timesCopy !req
452. and to still look good
in ten years' time.Copy !req
453. And I think, for that reason,
they've played it safe.Copy !req
454. Lamborghini, like every car company,Copy !req
455. has got to shift units to survive,
but I think, with the Huracan,Copy !req
456. they have thrown the baby
out with the bath water.Copy !req
457. I've had some good times - no, great
times - in Lamborghinis, on Top Gear.Copy !req
458. And if the producers got my e-mail...Copy !req
459. .. there shall now follow
a montage showing that.Copy !req
460. Whoa!Copy !req
461. This is just so exciting!Copy !req
462. Oh-ho-ho-ho!Copy !req
463. That's absolutely brutal!Copy !req
464. Whaa-ha-ha!Copy !req
465. The most alive thing
I've ever driven. It's beautiful.Copy !req
466. Now, as a car,
this Huracan is probablyCopy !req
467. better than all those
other Lamborghinis,Copy !req
468. but those cars
are better Lamborghinis.Copy !req
469. The other Lamborghinis made you
feel special, even in traffic.Copy !req
470. This doesn't. And that's a loss.Copy !req
471. What we have here is a Lamborghini
that I respect for its engineering,Copy !req
472. but love it?
Quiver at the very sight of it?Copy !req
473. I'm afraid not.Copy !req
474. This is annoying.Copy !req
475. This is really annoying. Why?Copy !req
476. Because I completely agree with
you, for once.Do you?Yeah.Copy !req
477. It's... Lamborghinis
should be mad and stupidCopy !req
478. and have rockets
coming out of their exhausts.Copy !req
479. And this, I don't know,
it just doesn't float my boat.Copy !req
480. I know, it's almost as though
they actually want to sell cars.Copy !req
481. And that is idiotic.Copy !req
482. No, no, seriously, because you know
James and I have always said that,Copy !req
483. one day, we'll open a pub?Yes.Copy !req
484. And it'll be the best pub
in the world, specifically becauseCopy !req
485. we won't allow anyone in it.Copy !req
486. Not anyone?
No, nobody at all. Nobody.Copy !req
487. I know an accountant would say,
"That's a ridiculous business plan",Copy !req
488. but it will be good, because
it won't be cluttered upCopy !req
489. with people with smelly bottoms
wanting scampi in a basket.Copy !req
490. Yeah, but what's this
got to do with Lamborghini?Copy !req
491. Because Lamborghini should be
making cars that they want to make,Copy !req
492. not cars that their accountants
think will make a few quid.Copy !req
493. Yeah, I think maybe the problem
here is that LamborghiniCopy !req
494. is owned by Audi.Copy !req
495. And would you drink in a pub
owned by Audi?Copy !req
496. God, no. No!Copy !req
497. So, would you drive a car
designed by Weatherspoons?Copy !req
498. No.No, I wouldn't do that, either.Copy !req
499. Anyway, we've got to find out
how fast this goes round our track.Copy !req
500. And that means handing it over
to our tame racing driver.Copy !req
501. Some say that his favourite
football formation is 8-8-19.Copy !req
502. And while we were off air,
his iCloud was hackedCopy !req
503. and now everyone in the world
has seen his helmet.Copy !req
504. All we know is,
he's called The Stig!Copy !req
505. And he's off. Tiny bit of
wheel spin and then the gyrosCopy !req
506. and computers tell the four-wheel
drive stuff to do its thing!Copy !req
507. Flying through the first corner,
Stig really working hardCopy !req
508. at the wheel of Kermit's wash bag.Copy !req
509. We've Only Just Begun
by The CarpentersCopy !req
510. Mmm, Stig enjoying a smooth serving
of The Carpenters, there.Copy !req
511. No dramas through Chicago.Copy !req
512. Now, Hammerhead.Copy !req
513. All-wheel drive cars
can push wide here.Copy !req
514. Stig using a very delicate steer.
No whiff of understeer.Copy !req
515. Just flying round there
and out the other side.Copy !req
516. OK, Follow Through.
A chance to really getCopy !req
517. the ten-cylinder hammer down.Copy !req
518. Wow!Copy !req
519. Whatever Stig did during his holiday
has made him extra committed.Copy !req
520. Just two corners left.
Turning in, with precision.Copy !req
521. Ooh, he's gone a bit sideways
up to Gambon.Copy !req
522. Skates it through there
and across the line.Copy !req
523. This is amazing. This is truly
amazing, because it did it...Copy !req
524. It did it in 1.15.8,
which means it goesCopy !req
525. right the way up there. Look at it.
Wow.It's quicker than the McLarenCopy !req
526. MP4-12C. It's quicker than
its big brother, the Aventador.Copy !req
527. Well, no, because I still think...Copy !req
528. That IS good, but it would
be better if it was slower,Copy !req
529. but had knives
sticking out of the wheels.Copy !req
530. No, you're right because this part
of the board is where FerrarisCopy !req
531. and serious stuff should live
and Lamborghinis should be here,Copy !req
532. which, interestingly enough,
is where the Gallardo is. Yeah.Copy !req
533. Anyway, we must now put a star
in our reasonably-priced car.Copy !req
534. Now there are many, many well-known
Eds in the world these days.Copy !req
535. There's Harris, Miliband, Balls.Copy !req
536. There is. But...
But my guest tonight is the bestCopy !req
537. and the newest Ed of them all.
Ladies and gentlemen - hmm-hmm -Copy !req
538. Ed Sheeran!Copy !req
539. Ooh, upcoming star, how are you?Copy !req
540. Ed Sheeran is here!Copy !req
541. He's here.Copy !req
542. Thank you so much for coming.Copy !req
543. Now, obviously, you're
a massive global megastar now,Copy !req
544. but is it true, what,
five years ago, you were buskingCopy !req
545. on the London Underground? No.Copy !req
546. No, I, eh...Copy !req
547. Did you ever sleep
on the London Underground?Copy !req
548. Yeah, well... Ah, I knew
there was something you'd doneCopy !req
549. on the London Underground!
No, it was... Yeah, it was just...Copy !req
550. I would, if there wasn't
a place to stay, which, often,Copy !req
551. it was too late for me to call anyone
for a sofa, I would stay out tillCopy !req
552. about 5am and then get on the Circle
Line and just, kind of, lean up,Copy !req
553. and then get up around 12 and...Copy !req
554. And just go round and round,
cos it is warm down there and...Copy !req
555. It's great. It's great.
There you go, there's a top tip.Copy !req
556. And did you sleep in the heating
duct at Buckingham Palace? No, no.Copy !req
557. There's another no.It was outside
of Buckingham Palace, not in it.Copy !req
558. This is what I find fascinating,
cos five years ago,Copy !req
559. you were trying to find somewhere
warm to sleep in London.Copy !req
560. People have really taken it
out of context. The Daily MailCopy !req
561. have taken the quote
and been... NoCopy !req
562. No, I won't believe that
the Daily Mail makes stuff upCopy !req
563. It wasn't, like,
a massive hardship or anything.Copy !req
564. I wasn't living anywhere in London.
I was sleeping on people's sofasCopy !req
565. and sometimes they didn't have sofas
to sleep on. It wasn't common,Copy !req
566. but it did happen, yeah. Cos you
were gigging a lot in those days,Copy !req
567. working your bottom off.
I haven't stopped yet. It's still...Copy !req
568. But you were travelling
down to Exeter, to get...Copy !req
569. How much for performing in Exeter?
That was the worst thing.Copy !req
570. It was an 80 quid train ticket
to Exeter and I was getting paidCopy !req
571. £50 for the gig and I arrived and
soundchecked with the sound engineer.Copy !req
572. He was like, "Doors are at seven."Copy !req
573. Got to seven, I was on at 7.30.
It was empty.Copy !req
574. He said, "Wait 15 minutes,
see if people turn up." Empty.Copy !req
575. 15 minutes later,
"Yeah, wait another ten minutes."Copy !req
576. We ended up waiting an hour. No-one
turned up, so I just played to him.Copy !req
577. What did he say?
No, it was all right.Copy !req
578. And then I was, like,
"Cool, see you later, mate",Copy !req
579. got my £50 and went and I'd
missed the last train home.Copy !req
580. But I'd just bought, from eBay,
a Pokemon on the Game Boy Colour.Copy !req
581. And I just got that. So, I sat at
the train station, until the morning,Copy !req
582. until the next train,
playing Pokemon. It was great.Copy !req
583. It's where you learn it all from.Copy !req
584. So, now you've got to the point
from playing PokemonCopy !req
585. on Exeter railway station, have
you not just sold out Wembley for,Copy !req
586. how many nights is it?Three nights.
Just you? In front of a crowdCopy !req
587. of 80,000-90,000? Around that, yeah.
Does that make you nervous?Copy !req
588. I was more nervous about today,
doing the lap. Genuinely, genuinely.Copy !req
589. Cos I mean your whole life is...
Obviously, you've met De Niro now.Copy !req
590. Clinton?Yeah. And then, today,
you met James May. Yeah.Copy !req
591. So, you've completed the circle.Copy !req
592. Can I talk a bit about your early
life, before we get on to the cars,Copy !req
593. if we may? Cos I was slightly
staggered. You had a numberCopy !req
594. of illnesses when you were little.Copy !req
595. Glaucoma?
It probably could have led to that.Copy !req
596. I had a big birthmark
on the side of my faceCopy !req
597. that I had to get lasered off.
And weird eyes. Weird eyes.Copy !req
598. And you had to play sports
wearing some...Copy !req
599. Well, my view on it is that I was
a very weird kid in primary schoolCopy !req
600. and I probably
didn't have a lot of friends,Copy !req
601. but, I think, God looked down and
went, "You need some help"Copy !req
602. and gave me a guitar and it
worked out. And here you are. Yes.Copy !req
603. Good old God. The second half
of my life is much more funCopy !req
604. than the first half
and I'd rather that way round,Copy !req
605. because half of
the popular kids in school,Copy !req
606. I mean, you know, are...Copy !req
607. BLEEPtheir lives up.Copy !req
608. Now, we'd better get on, I'm afraid,
to the elephant in the room.Copy !req
609. Yes. Um... Ed can't drive.Copy !req
610. And I don't just mean
you have no driving licence.Copy !req
611. We've had that before,
with Johnny VegasCopy !req
612. and Jack Whitehall, more recently.
But how much can't you drive?Copy !req
613. Or how much couldn't you drive
before you got here today?Copy !req
614. I'd never sat in the driver's seat
or put my hand on a steering wheel.Copy !req
615. The reason I said yes
to Top Gear is thatCopy !req
616. I thought it would be funny,
the first time that I drive.Copy !req
617. It is... This must be the
first-ever televised driving lesson.Copy !req
618. I think so many 17-year-olds
around the world would want The StigCopy !req
619. to teach them how to drive
and that's what happened.Copy !req
620. I think it is very, very ballsy
to come here, saying,Copy !req
621. "I don't mind being filmed
for my first ever lap."Copy !req
622. You have actually
bought cars for people -Copy !req
623. sound engineers and so on. Yeah,
I bought... Basically, every yearCopy !req
624. I give people who work for me
a Christmas bonus and this guyCopy !req
625. who works for me was, basically,
every year, spending his ChristmasCopy !req
626. bonus on things you should spend
your bonus on - his family.Copy !req
627. But he would always go on about
wanting a Porsche 911 Carrera.Copy !req
628. "Oh, that's my dream car,
but I'm doing up the bathroom next",Copy !req
629. so this year, I just got him the
Porsche.You bought him a 911?Copy !req
630. Yeah. Didn't you buy another
sound engineer a Smart car?Copy !req
631. I bought my guitar tech
a Smart car, but that was another...Copy !req
632. What's he done wrong How does
he feel going, "Oh, brilliant"?Copy !req
633. I see these people,
day in and day out,Copy !req
634. and they always talk about
the thing that they want most.Copy !req
635. He's got really low ambition.
We need to have a word with him.Copy !req
636. Are you sure he's doing your guitars
properly? Cos if he thinksCopy !req
637. a Smart's a good enough car,
when he could have said a 911!Copy !req
638. It's different strokes
for different folks.Copy !req
639. You're right. Now, moving on to
your lap. How was it out there?Copy !req
640. It was interesting.
It was interesting.Copy !req
641. I had some very funny bloopers,
which I'm sure you're going to show.Copy !req
642. We wouldn't do that.Copy !req
643. Yes, we would.Copy !req
644. Who'd like to see Ed's first-ever
driving lesson on television?Copy !req
645. Yes!Copy !req
646. We've got one or two clips
we'd like to show firstCopy !req
647. of a few slip-ups.
Let's have a look at those.Copy !req
648. So this is... Whoa, that's
the second to last corner,Copy !req
649. but you missed that by a long way
there. That looks great.Copy !req
650. Oh, my God, is that the Follow...?
They go through the tyres!Copy !req
651. You're not going to hold it.
You did!Copy !req
652. Oh, wait, wait, wait! Argh!Copy !req
653. Not again, not again
at the Follow Through? The same!Copy !req
654. What staggers me about that is,
when the car is sliding,Copy !req
655. particularly going through there,
which is about 80mph.Copy !req
656. So, it's sliding like that.
Most people just give up,Copy !req
657. but you, actually, were wrestling
with the controls in there.Copy !req
658. That wasn't planned.Copy !req
659. I just didn't know to
take my foot off the accelerator.Copy !req
660. You just kept it on?Copy !req
661. Yeah, I wasn't, like, "I'm going
sort this out and show everyoneCopy !req
662. "that I'm really good at driving."
It was, literally, just like "Ah!"Copy !req
663. How do you actually walk about
when they're that big?Copy !req
664. Shall we have a look at the
fastest lap? Everybody ready?Copy !req
665. Yeah!Copy !req
666. Play the tape. Come on. Here we go.Copy !req
667. Yes, wheel spin from an automatic.
Oh, it is wet, isn't it? Yeah.Copy !req
668. Come on.Copy !req
669. It will and here it comes.
Down to the first cornerCopy !req
670. and around it. Still can't believe
that you had never drivenCopy !req
671. a car before this morning.Copy !req
672. And you're around at...
Slightly wide, but never mind.Copy !req
673. We're off towards Chicago now.Copy !req
674. Come on, come on, come on, yeah.
Yep, yep, yep.Copy !req
675. Like it.
Neat and tidy through there.Copy !req
676. No real problems, at all,
and with tyre...Copy !req
677. Yes, the tyres are squealing.Copy !req
678. Keep your hands on the wheel,
that is important.Copy !req
679. And this is the Hammerhead, designed
to catch out the unwary and the new.Copy !req
680. But it hasn't got you!Copy !req
681. Right, now, this is it.Copy !req
682. This is coming up to what
we call the Follow Through,Copy !req
683. cos if you get it wrong
that's what happens.Copy !req
684. Lifting? No, you're not lifting.Copy !req
685. Nobody's ever had tyre squeal
on their first-ever driving lesson.Copy !req
686. Through the tyres, can he do this?
Yes, looking good.Copy !req
687. Oh, crikey,
a little bit of brake action thereCopy !req
688. or that could be automatic,
on the car's part.Copy !req
689. Second to last corner,
catches most people out,Copy !req
690. but not you, not today.Copy !req
691. Into Gambon...Copy !req
692. And, oh, there was
a burst of acceleration.Copy !req
693. And there we are, across the line!Copy !req
694. Right, now... It looked slower
than it felt.It does.Copy !req
695. It's not a fast car. There are
faster ones available on the market.Copy !req
696. Where do you think
you've come on our...?Copy !req
697. As long as I beat
Jack Whitehall, I'm happy.Copy !req
698. Two things... One - Jack had
driven a car before he got here,Copy !req
699. although he had no licence. And the
track was mildly moist for him,Copy !req
700. barely wet, but it was very wet for
you, so it obviously slows you down.Copy !req
701. So, he did a 1.54.5.Copy !req
702. And you, Ed Sheeran...Copy !req
703. you were...Copy !req
704. 1.50...Copy !req
705. 4...Copy !req
706. Ooh!Copy !req
707. ..3.Copy !req
708. And in wet. You've done it!Copy !req
709. Yeah.Copy !req
710. That is... Are you genuinely
amazed by that? Cos I am.Copy !req
711. I guess so, but, like, that one
was the best time that I did it.Copy !req
712. And the times before
that were probably about 2.30.Copy !req
713. So, um... Well, with that
level of improvement,Copy !req
714. we should just give Ed
a driving licence now.Copy !req
715. Yes!
Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Sheeran!Copy !req
716. Now, tonight, we are staging
one of our important races,Copy !req
717. between the car,
public transport, a bicycleCopy !req
718. and Jeremy's rather fanciful belief
that we should travel everywhereCopy !req
719. on rivers.Copy !req
720. Yes, we are racing across
St Petersburg in Russia.Copy !req
721. And when we left the action,
Jeremy was in the lead,Copy !req
722. in his uncontrollable hovercraft.Copy !req
723. James was second,
in his tiny, electric Renault.Copy !req
724. The Stig was somewhere or other
on a metro train.Copy !req
725. And I had fallen off my bicycle
and broken it.Copy !req
726. OK, this is good.Copy !req
727. Flat out on water.Copy !req
728. Remaining range - it tells me
it is 40 miles, that's plenty.Copy !req
729. Bit of a jink round him.Copy !req
730. Ho-ho!Copy !req
731. You're probably thinking, "What's
the point of that tiny little car?Copy !req
732. "Look at the size
of that road he's on."Copy !req
733. Yes. But we're not
in St Petersburg proper, yet.Copy !req
734. We're still on the outskirts.
When we get near the middle,Copy !req
735. there's going to be a small
alleyway,Copy !req
736. something built before cars
were invented.Copy !req
737. Things wide enough for a horse.Copy !req
738. And then, I shall sweep to victory.Copy !req
739. The Stig, James and Jeremy
were battling in what they thoughtCopy !req
740. was a three-horse race.Copy !req
741. But I had other plans...Copy !req
742. So, you speak English?I do.
And you don't speak English?Copy !req
743. A little bit. Can you interpret?Copy !req
744. I've broken my bike.
I fell off my bicycle.Copy !req
745. Can I borrow your bike?Copy !req
746. No. Oh, please. I'm in a race.Copy !req
747. A hovercraft has gone past now.
I'm late, I have to go to my work.Copy !req
748. If we give you a lift to work,
can I borrow your bike?Copy !req
749. OK. Really, can we? Yes.Copy !req
750. Really? What a gentleman!Copy !req
751. As a producer
took the kind young man to work,Copy !req
752. I was getting to grips
with his wheels.Copy !req
753. OK, this isn't as fast as the
other bicycle, I'll be honest.Copy !req
754. I'm doing 16mph, instead of 22,
and it's killing me.Copy !req
755. Hammond would have struggled to
catch up with me on his £9,000Copy !req
756. Tour de France bike, but on some
clunky old piece of Russian pig-ironCopy !req
757. that he's borrowed from a local,
he's got no chance, has he?Copy !req
758. Let's be honest.Copy !req
759. On HMS Petrol, I wasn't worried
about Hammond's recoveryCopy !req
760. because my lead was immense!Copy !req
761. And I was going
like a bat out of hell.Copy !req
762. Power.Copy !req
763. Right through the middle.Copy !req
764. But then, I hit the city centre.Copy !req
765. Got hydrofoils coming in at speed
from the left and the right.Copy !req
766. Two ferries and a water taxi.Copy !req
767. Oh, my giddy aunt,
there's one over there.Copy !req
768. OhBLEEP.Copy !req
769. In traffic like this,
the hover-van was a menace.Copy !req
770. Turn! Turn!Copy !req
771. Good God,
I'm totally out of control.Copy !req
772. Holy mother of God, turn!Copy !req
773. Turn! Turn!Copy !req
774. No!Copy !req
775. OhBLEEP. Not very...Copy !req
776. I'm crashing into St Petersburg now.Copy !req
777. Power! Come on, hover-van.Copy !req
778. Oh, there's swimmers.
Oh, please, turn. Please.Copy !req
779. I, too, had reached the city centre,
where the tiny TwizyCopy !req
780. would come into its own,
in the ancient narrow streets.Copy !req
781. Oh, cock.Copy !req
782. The main roads
were eight lanes wide...Copy !req
783. .. and the side roads
weren't much thinner.Copy !req
784. Small wonder there are no parking
regulations in St Petersburg.Copy !req
785. There's no need.Copy !req
786. Look at it. Could have done this
in a stretch Lincoln ContinentalCopy !req
787. or a Hummer or something.Copy !req
788. Worse, worse. Just worse.Copy !req
789. I will not give up,
I will not give up.Copy !req
790. 22 miles an hour there. Oh.Copy !req
791. And I think I'm going to be sick.Copy !req
792. Meanwhile, back on the river...Copy !req
793. Holy Moley!Copy !req
794. And another one!Copy !req
795. 'In order to avoid
death by hydrofoil,Copy !req
796. 'I decided to leave the river
and use St Petersburg's canals.'Copy !req
797. This is a canal, it's what I need.Copy !req
798. They were much quieter,
but there was now another problem.Copy !req
799. No, don't...Copy !req
800. To get under the low bridges,
I had to deflate the skirts.Copy !req
801. That meant coming off the power
and coasting, which went wellCopy !req
802. Sinking. Sinking now.Copy !req
803. Oh, giddy aunt.Copy !req
804. Oh, Christ, this is lower,
this is even lower.Copy !req
805. Two and a half metres,Copy !req
806. that's pretty much the height
of the props on the back.Copy !req
807. No, no, no, don't rise up,
don't rise up!Copy !req
808. Oh, my... No, no, no.Copy !req
809. In the Twizy, I'd discovered that
no matter how wide the streetsCopy !req
810. may be, a jam is still a jam.Copy !req
811. See, look, small cars
don't make any difference.Copy !req
812. If I was on the bike, I'd be down
there, but no car is narrowCopy !req
813. enough for that.Copy !req
814. While James sat motionless, I was
now entering the city centre...Copy !req
815. I can still do this. Oh.Copy !req
816. .. where I discovered that cyclists
are completely invisible.Copy !req
817. Oh, you're not...
You didn't... Honestly?Copy !req
818. Not even an attempt, was there?Copy !req
819. Argh, wait for me, numb nuts.Copy !req
820. On the underground, Stig had noticed
that many of his fellow passengersCopy !req
821. were holding on to strange things.Copy !req
822. And so, at the next station,
he decided he should have one, too.Copy !req
823. I'm on the tram lines
and in a traffic jam.Copy !req
824. Come on, come on, come on.Copy !req
825. Terrified that I'll see Richard
Hammond turning up any secondCopy !req
826. on his stolen mountain bike.Copy !req
827. Man stopped in the bus lane,
looking under his car,Copy !req
828. probably for a cyclist
he's run over.Copy !req
829. Don't worry about me, I'm just
a cyclist. I'm just a pigeon.Copy !req
830. Don't you worry yourself, chum.Copy !req
831. Like all cyclists,
Hammond was becomingCopy !req
832. full of rage and aggression.
Come on, really?Copy !req
833. Whereas, in my un-air-conditioned
hover-van, I was becoming hot,Copy !req
834. bothered and stuck.Copy !req
835. Sweating. Sweating a lot.Copy !req
836. Not certain this was a good idea.
I really am not.Copy !req
837. Oh, now, this one is tight.Copy !req
838. Lower. No, no, no, Christ.Copy !req
839. Bloody hell.Copy !req
840. Scary! No, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
841. Oh... Not now, not now, not now!
I'm in a big problem!Copy !req
842. What?Copy !req
843. Oh, BLEEP,I should have
actually gone to the right.Copy !req
844. Right, U-turn.Copy !req
845. Concentrate, May.Copy !req
846. Thanks to James's
famously-poor sense of direction,Copy !req
847. I was now in with a shout,Copy !req
848. especially as I could take a
short-cut through the Winter Palace.Copy !req
849. Wow.Copy !req
850. Thank goodness James has got
a Twizy to fit in this placeCopy !req
851. Little corner cut,
that'll save me a minute or two.Copy !req
852. Water coming up, over the bridge.Copy !req
853. In the hover-van,
I was finally free of the canalsCopy !req
854. and back on the now
traffic-free river.Copy !req
855. I've got a lot of time
to make up now. Come on! Power!Copy !req
856. We were now entering
the final stages of our race.Copy !req
857. And at this point,Copy !req
858. because all of us were all over the
place, any one of us could win it.Copy !req
859. Coming past. I can have that,
I'll have that.Copy !req
860. Whoa, heavy turn.Copy !req
861. Full thrust!Copy !req
862. I will not give up,
I will not give up. Come on!Copy !req
863. Really giving this thing
the electric berries here.Copy !req
864. Buffeting!Copy !req
865. That is 144 horsepower,
right there. Ha-ha!Copy !req
866. What theBLEEPhell, are you...? You
great ganglyBLEEPknuckleBLEEP,Copy !req
867. greasy-hairedBLEEPbag. BLEEPyou.Copy !req
868. That's more like it.
A narrow side street.Copy !req
869. We can win this, van.Copy !req
870. Come on.Copy !req
871. Come on, come on.Copy !req
872. I'm very close.Copy !req
873. Ah.Copy !req
874. There it is. There's the end point.Copy !req
875. Where is this unpronounceable
palace? Where is James May?Copy !req
876. Where is The Stig?Copy !req
877. There it is.
Yes, there is the finish line!Copy !req
878. Oh, wait a minute, have I got
to get up that bloody thing? I have.Copy !req
879. Somewhere around here, I'm
looking for a big white palace.Copy !req
880. Right, here we go!Copy !req
881. No! No, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
882. Stopping.Copy !req
883. Oh, God!Copy !req
884. It's Hammond. Bloody hell. Ha-ha!Copy !req
885. Argh. Not again. Argh!Copy !req
886. Please tell me, have I won?Copy !req
887. Oh, Christ, look behind you.Copy !req
888. Oh, Jesus.Copy !req
889. Well, there we are.
Proof that the car is...Copy !req
890. Is better.
It's better. Was worth it.Copy !req
891. I'm afraid, even
when it's comedically small,Copy !req
892. French and electric, it's still
better.I've ruined my penisCopy !req
893. and £9,000-worth of bicycle.
Yep. I've just realised something.Copy !req
894. What? Three of us are here.Copy !req
895. Yeah, I completely forgot.
Oh, hang on. Where is The Stig?Copy !req
896. Where is he?Copy !req
897. James May has restored
the reputation of the car.Copy !req
898. Yes. Thing is, though...
The thing is, though,Copy !req
899. if you don't want to drive
around in a little Philishave,Copy !req
900. with optional doors,
you'll have to buy what came second,Copy !req
901. which, of course,
was the hovercraft.Copy !req
902. Oh, no, hang on a minute.
I would have won that by 20 minutes,Copy !req
903. if I hadn't fallen off. Yes, but
you did fall off. Twice, in fact.Copy !req
904. Yeah.In an 18-mile journey,
you consumed two bicycles.Copy !req
905. I did, yeah. All we learned from you
is that you're a spannerCopy !req
906. and it's difficult to draw
any meaningful conclusionsCopy !req
907. from The Stig's journey.
So, in that whole film,Copy !req
908. we've learned
absolutely nothing, at all.Copy !req
909. And on that bombshell,
it is time to end.Copy !req
910. Thank you so much for watching.
See you again next week. Good night!Copy !req