Top Gear 20x1

1. Hello!

2. Hello, everybody!

3. Thank you so much. We're back!

4. We are back!

5. Yes, however,

6. we're back, and I'm sure many of you will be delighted

7. to hear that in this, our 20th series,

8. we've, we've slowed down a little and grown up a lot.

9. We have. To show you what I mean,

10. we've prepared a montage, which shows what you can expect

11. over the coming weeks from a new, more mature Top Gear.

12. Gentlemen, the time has come.

13. Oh, you're joking!

14. What I'm saying is, we turn

15. this town into a street circuit.

16. Oh, God. Ow!

17. He's looking good there, looking good.

18. Sorry.

19. It's uphill. Yeah!

20. Keep going! Hell, yeah.

21. It is a rampant rabbit!

22. There has been a crash.

23. Ooh, in the face!

24. I can hear a bike.

25. What did we learn, really?

26. Not much evidence of maturity there!

27. Probably because there isn't any. But, anyway,

28. that is all to come.

29. Some of it later on,

30. but we begin in the 1980s.

31. Uh, back then hot hatchbacks were very, very popular.

32. Everybody wanted to steal one, and perhaps that's why

33. they went away, but now they're coming back,

34. and we thought we ought to see what's what.

35. So, Richard Hammond is your adjudicator

36. and the track is our battleground.

37. This is the first one to come charging over the top.

38. The Peugeot 208 GTi.

39. Righty-oh! What we're looking for here is something

40. we haven't seen in a long while.

41. A Peugeot where you can actually feel its pulse.

42. And it's off to a promising start

43. because they certainly haven't scrimped on power.

44. Two hundred horsepower, that's what you get from the 1.6 litre turbo,

45. and that's quite a generous helping in a little car.

46. Zero to 60 is dispatched in under seven seconds.

47. And then comes the torque, quite a lot of it, 203 ft-lbs.

48. It's like surfing a giant wave of exploding petrol.

49. The designers have been allowed to enjoy themselves too.

50. Because everywhere you look

51. there are little reminders of the much-loved 205 GTi.

52. It's good, it shows intent.

53. Like this chubby little steering wheel, it says, "Come on, then,

54. "let's get on and do something."

55. Which brings us neatly to the most important part of a GTi.

56. What happens when you ask it to go 'round a corner?

57. Come on, little Peugeot, let's see if you can set my trousers on fire.

58. There it is!

59. It does eat up corners.

60. It's light, there's loads of grip and I swear I am cocking a wheel,

61. I'm sure I am.

62. That's a wheel in the air.

63. Bit of that, turn the indicators off and carry on like you meant it.

64. That's the way to do it!

65. There's no doubt about it, this car is a real return to form

66. from a company that's been stuck in a rut of dreary boxes for too long.

67. But remember, we're now in a GTi war and to win it,

68. the Peugeot must take on this...

69. the brand new, hot Renault Clio.

70. Like the Peugeot, it doesn't lack for oomph,

71. 197 brake horsepower

72. from, like the Peugeot, a 1.6 litre turbo.

73. But where the Peugeot looks back to the old 205,

74. the Renault is aimed squarely at today's computer geeks.

75. This central screen here I've got gauges, a lot of them.

76. Ah... I've got a G diagram of my G.

77. And then this is real PlayStation stuff, you can actually

78. change the sound of the engine.

79. You go into the menu, and then you can select the noise from different cars.

80. There's like a Renault Alpine, which is an old classic or even an Nissan GT-R.

81. So I'm gonna have, I'm gonna have a V6.

82. Ooh, that sounds... Yeah!

83. If ten-year-olds could drive, they would love this.

84. And then when you push this button, a strangely familiar crash helmet appears,

85. and you can do this...

86. It makes the ride, the brakes, everything a lot more hard-core.

87. Ooh! Come on, that's, that's feeling nice.

88. Without doubt,

89. the computerised Clio has a more juvenile streak than the Peugeot.

90. But sadly, it also has a really annoying problem...

91. This gearbox, it's about as sharp as a vicar sweeping up leaves.

92. Through the bends, it just doesn't have the speed to react.

93. And there's another problem,

94. the whole idea of a flappy paddle gearbox in a hot hatch.

95. I don't want to sound like James May, "Oh, I prefer the old-fashioned type."

96. But I do.

97. Changing gear is a vital form of self-expression that I'm being denied.

98. It's not like you can opt for a manual either, because with this car,

99. it's flappy paddle or nothing.

100. The high-tech little Renault is good,

101. but the stupid gearbox spoils your fun.

102. And that leaves it vulnerable to attack from this...

103. .. the Ford Fiesta ST.

104. It's been five too long years since Ford gave us a hot Fiesta.

105. And on paper this thing looks to be going into battle with

106. the Frenchies on the back foot,

107. because like the other two, it's got a 1.6 litre turbo, but 20 brake horsepower less,

108. 179.

109. But here's the thing, the other two each cost just under 19 grand.

110. This is two grand cheaper.

111. Yet despite the reasonable price, the Fiesta certainly looks the part.

112. It's got fat 17 inch alloys, Recaro seats,

113. and a full suite of skirts, spoilers and big exhausts.

114. All of which is very nice, but with that 20 horsepower deficit,

115. the Fiesta is still likely to get a pasting in a drag race.

116. But you never know, this is lighter and it has more torque.

117. It might win, or come second...

118. or third.

119. Three, two, one.

120. Go!

121. Changing gear as quickly as I can, manually. I come down.

122. Come on, come on, come on, Ford! Come on!

123. Ooh! Yes, it's done the third thing, the third option.

124. But then, I took the Ford for a spot of cornering.

125. Oh, this is epic!

126. The others have had their suspension lowered a bit.

127. This has had its dropped by a whole juicy 15 millimetres.

128. You can feel it. It corners flat.

129. It's not just about being nearer the ground.

130. Everything about the Fiesta, the steering, the handling,

131. the responsiveness is peerless.

132. They've got this bang on right. It's brilliant.

133. And when you switch the traction control off, it really is off.

134. Ha, ha!

135. Ford have remembered the key mantra of a hot hatch,

136. it's not just what it does,

137. it's how it makes you feel while it's doing it.

138. You can't put a price on that.

139. Superb!

140. So, conclusion time. The Peugeot and the Renault are really very good.

141. But the Ford, the Ford is simply brilliant.

142. It is, though. It is. It's fabulous.

143. It's superb.

144. It's almost as though all the planets aligned to make this car.

145. Yeah, that's exactly it.

146. Everything was in place.

147. Exactly it. In years to come, this will be looked back on as an all-time classic.

148. Yeah, it's the same way we look back now on the Sierra Cosworth,

149. or the RS2000.

150. The Mexico.

151. - Lotus Cortina. That's how good this thing is. - Precisely.

152. It is. I mean, the other two are good, very good, but this thing is just genius.

153. It is. But is it the fastest 'round our track?

154. Well, to find out, we must give them all to our tame racing driver.

155. Some say he has the world's largest

156. collection of horse eggs,

157. and that when he knocked Rafa Nadal out this week,

158. it wasn't during a game of tennis.

159. All we know is, he's called The Stig!

160. And they're off. A strong start from the Fiesta,

161. but the other two soon level up,

162. as they pile down to the first corner, turbos spinning furiously.

163. Tyres howling as they lurch to the left,

164. but that's about as dramatic as it gets so far.

165. I'm told The Stig was listening to TV theme tunes there...

166. In fact, it sounded like an accident in a bric-a-brac shop.

167. Uh, anyway, they swing round Chicago, no fuss.

168. Into the hammerhead, this should root out under-steerers,

169. they're all front-wheel drive.

170. The Fiesta flashing its hazards under hard braking,

171. but they're all bang-on line.

172. Very tidy. Impressive stuff.

173. Stig choosing to reverse round in the Renault for some reason.

174. Anyway, is the Fiesta's lack of power going to be exposed here?

175. No, not by the look of it. Two corners left...

176. The Peugeot cocking a wheel.

177. Yes. There we are, as he goes into the second-to-last corner,

178. only Gambon, all three scampering through there.

179. Not much between them, and across the line!

180. Okay, now.

181. The Renault, that did it in one minute 32 seconds.

182. The Peugeot, one minute 33.2 seconds.

183. And the Ford Fiesta, this is the one we're interested in,

184. 1.32.7. So, it's in the middle, but it doesn't matter.

185. This is still the one to buy.

186. I honestly haven't driven a car as surprising

187. or as likeable as this for a very, very long while.

188. The only thing I don't like about it is the name, ST.

189. Why have they named it after a lady towel?

190. And now, the news. And the news is, you may have read about this recently,

191. there are plans to open pubs in motorway service stations.

192. - I don't get that. - I don't get it either,

193. because as it's on a motorway,

194. - you're bound to be driving. - Mmm-hmm?

195. Which means you can only have one drink,

196. and when it comes to drink, one is impossible.

197. I guess.

198. Come on!

199. What if, what if you're the passenger?

200. - Oh, I see, James. So, I'm driving you... - Mmm-hmm.

201. And as I fill up with petrol, you say, "I'm going to go and get a gin and tonic".

202. Yes.

203. Well, if you do that, you may as well prepare a sign

204. that says, "Hammersmith" on a bit of card,

205. because when you come out, I will have gone.

206. I'm not actually that interested in pubs in motorway service stations,

207. what really bothers me is, why do they sell trousers?

208. 'Cause I've never got halfway...

209. - Has anybody ever gone halfway through a motorway

210. and then thought, "I've forgot my trousers!"

211. "I had better get these elasticated beige ones."

212. I don't understand why people even stop to eat at a motorway service station.

213. There is no car journey in Britain that could be so long that you would starve to death

214. before you got somewhere to eat.

215. With the pub thing, it's not that far to wait for a drink.

216. You don't think, "I'm so desperate, I'm going to pull over

217. "and have half a pint of shandy."

218. Stupid.

219. - I would. - Well, that's 'cause you're a raving alcoholic, James.

220. - Can I move it on? - We've got off topic here.

221. Can I talk, please, if you don't mind, about potholes?

222. Out where I live in Hertfordshire,

223. I came to work the other day on my bike, yeah? And I hit a pothole.

224. It was vast! I shot up about 15 feet in the air off the bike.

225. By the time I was coming back down,

226. the bike had hit the opposite wall. It bounced up.

227. Net result, as I was coming down, it leapt up, and head butted me in the plants.

228. And it was agony!

229. No, that's why I was late to the office,

230. 'cause, I had to stop by the side of the road and massage them.

231. So, let's just get this straight.

232. You were standing by the side of a presumably busy main road,

233. rubbing your testes?

234. In leather trousers, yeah.

235. Come to think of it, if you saw that, that's what was going on.

236. I tell you what though, Hammond, the pothole is not the problem.

237. It's a pothole that has been repaired by a British worker Johnny.

238. Look at this, okay? This is... Look at that!

239. How can you stand back and go, "Yes, I have done a good job there"?

240. It can't be that difficult for a solution.

241. They need to design like a liquid that you just pour into

242. potholes everywhere, and then it sets, so it's self-leveled, and it would it set hot...

243. Why could you not do that?

244. - It is a brilliant idea. - Thank you, it's mine!

245. So there we are. It's available.

246. - My cheese sauce... - What?

247. - ... does that.

248. James, you know I said that we'd got more mature in this series?

249. - You've gone straight to dementia. - No, no, no, no.

250. The cheese sauce?

251. When I make cheese sauce, I always make too much, like everybody does.

252. So there's like a quarter of an inch at the bottom of the pan,

253. and when you get up the next day, that bit is so hard you either

254. throw the pan away, or you treat that as the new bottom of the pan.

255. - So, if you put that in the hole... Bob's your uncle. - Cheese sauce?

256. - We've solved it. - Job done.

257. - There we are. We've solved the pothole problem. - Glad we're back!

258. Oh, God, how has the world managed without us

259. - for the last few months? - I don't know.

260. - Can I let you into a little secret? - Oh, is it time?

261. No, uh...

262. What? What?

263. I think after 20 series...

264. No, can I let you into a little secret?

265. You know those, um, gantries over the motorway,

266. they've got them on the M25 and on the M1, okay?

267. Now, the idea is, they've got speed limits on them, so that you can temporarily lower

268. the speed limit to warn drivers of an accident, or congestion ahead.

269. And then, there are speed cameras on the back of the gantries

270. to make sure that people do actually slow down.

271. Well, now here's my secret.

272. It turns out the police can turn those cameras on

273. at any time they like.

274. Really?

275. Which means the Chief Constable sitting there at his desk, says,

276. "I fancy a new car."

277. Pop the cameras on, and after, I was going to say half an hour,

278. but probably ten seconds, he's got enough for a supercharged Jag.

279. We should point out for reasons of BBC impartiality that other

280. luxury cars are available to bent chiefs of policemen.

281. Right, now, can we talk about BMW?

282. - Yes. - Yes.

283. They're on a bit of a roll at the moment.

284. - They are making some cracking cars. - Very much so, yeah.

285. No, they really are, and now there's another new one coming, okay?

286. It's called the 4 Series, we've got a picture of it here.

287. And what it is, it's a replacement for the two-door 3 Series Coupe.

288. And I think that looks absolutely fantastic,

289. and best of all, there's going to be a motor sport version.

290. So that'll be called the M4!

291. So, presumably it will be fantastic at one end, and then very dark

292. and miserable at the other end.

293. And then you will pay a toll to put something in the boot, but not to take it out again.

294. Why are they naming it after the M4? Because it's awful!

295. I have to spend a lot of time on it,

296. and it's the worst motorway in the world, so call it something else.

297. But, hang on a minute. If you think the M4

298. is the worst motorway in the world, why do you

299. spend all your life driving up and down it?

300. Because I live at the other end of it.

301. Why don't you live at our end of it?

302. Because my house is at the other end.

303. - Well, move house. I like living there!

304. I just don't like travelling there on the motorway.

305. But that's a large part of living there, is travelling there.

306. Yes, but I like being on Top Gear. I don't like having to talk to

307. - you to get there. - You should live where Top Gear is made.

308. You can live at our end, you can do things like have electricity,

309. sewers, watch television. You can go out for a Chinese meal, an Indian meal...

310. I like my end of the M4, I just don't like the bit in between it and where you are.

311. But how much of a shock is it to you to get into a car where we live,

312. and then get out the other end, all you can do is light a candle

313. and make your own chutney?

314. I like it.

315. Anyway, the BMW goes on sale at the end of the year, prices start at £31,500,

316. unless of course you live where Hammond does, in which case

317. it's 16 groats and an oxen.

318. Now, moving on, tonight we are going to have a race,

319. and it's a very, very important one, because it's to see which

320. is fastest, Jeremy in a car, or me on a sailing boat.

321. Now, first of all, we needed a course, okay?

322. Now, the producer suggested we go from Great Yarmouth

323. up the North Sea to Edinburgh.

324. Uh, or perhaps from Aberystwyth down through the Irish Sea

325. to, say, the Lizard Point in Cornwall.

326. But then, James and I had a better idea.

327. Yes, we did.

328. Welcome to New Zealand. The perfect location for our duel.

329. Pretty landscapes for Jeremy to drive through

330. and most importantly for me, sea that's warm.

331. So, our race. This is what New Zealand looks like.

332. This is the bit we're interested in, blown up for you here.

333. I shall be starting from this very beach, which is here on the map,

334. and racing up here to the second most northerly point in New Zealand.

335. Jeremy, meanwhile, will have to go down here,

336. through the centre of Auckland and all the way up here to reach the same point.

337. So, I only have to cover 220 miles,

338. Jeremy has to cover 410.

339. To make matters even worse for Jeremy, 35%

340. of New Zealand's roads are unpaved, which would slow him down.

341. And this is what he would be up against.

342. It's called an AC45, and it's the fastest production

343. sailing boat in the world.

344. With a carbon fibre hull, and a rigid sail as big as the wing

345. on a Boeing 737, it can reach over 30 knots.

346. Then, there's the crew. All but one are winners of the America's Cup,

347. the most prestigious trophy in yacht racing.

348. And as for the one who isn't, well, he is Sir Ben Ainslie,

349. four times Olympic sailing gold medallist.

350. Put all this together, and Jeremy hasn't got a chance.

351. I do realise the enormity of the challenge I face,

352. which is why I have gone for the fastest car in the world.

353. Here it is.

354. - It's a Toyota Corolla. - Oh, is that what it is? I haven't looked. Yes, it is.

355. It's a 1.8 litre Toyota Corolla.

356. Engine size is irrelevant, James,

357. because, do you know what makes this so fast?

358. Look in the window.

359. - I've rented it! - Oh, no!

360. Yes! And this is the thing, you see.

361. I mean, the Bugatti Veyron, sometimes you're using 15 horsepower,

362. sometimes you're using only ten.

363. This, you have 140 horsepower from the moment you start it up

364. to the moment you crash it.

365. Did you pick up one of those, um, what are they called,

366. collision damage waiver forms?

367. No, I picked up six. I actually did.

368. When her back was turned, I thought, I'll have some of those.

369. So you're ready?

370. I'm really ready for this.

371. Everybody else ready?

372. Right, this race will start at precisely seven o'clock tomorrow morning.

373. - Beer? - Yes, beer.

374. Okay, pre-flight check. Complete.

375. There's the boat, soon it will be pointing in the correct direction,

376. and the race will begin.

377. Eventually the boat had done its jiving and sheeting and going about,

378. and all the crew were at their stations.

379. Oh...!

380. And so, at precisely 11 minutes past seven, the race began.

381. Three, two, one!

382. Go! Come on!

383. Okay, we're racing, we're going. Go, boys.

384. Deploy whenever ready.

385. Power!

386. This is not simply a race between a sailing boat

387. and a little blue hatchback.

388. I am on a mission from God,

389. because the world has got it into its head that wind power is

390. the solution to everything, and I just don't think it is.

391. Wind is just annoying. Internal combustion is good.

392. And at that moment, it looked like I may have had a point.

393. - The wrong sail? Yeah.

394. What?

395. When you say the wrong sail, where is the other sail?

396. It's right in front of us. In that bag?

397. With the sails having to be swapped over quickly,

398. the crew got very shouty with me.

399. James, pull that rope!

400. James, what are you doing there? Get in and help!

401. Ah!

402. The boat was stationary, just 200 metres from the start line.

403. Things were looking good... for Jeremy.

404. Oh, wow, big one!

405. It was PJ O'Rourke, the American author,

406. who first noticed that hire cars are the fastest cars in the world,

407. and he is, of course, completely correct,

408. because when was the last time you took your car to the red line?

409. Or you drove it flat out? Never.

410. But here, in this, now, yes, because it isn't mine.

411. Speed!

412. Back at sea, the new sail was up,

413. but we still weren't going fast enough.

414. 12 knots, which is about 14 miles per hour in car terms.

415. That's not bad, but at that rate, it would take us 15 hours.

416. That's no good.

417. Despite the gravel roads, I was going quite a lot faster.

418. 100 km an hour right there, into fourth.

419. Maybe going a little too fast there,

420. but it's not my car, so it doesn't matter.

421. I just feel so sorry for James. He's on a boat,

422. he's not going to see anything of New Zealand,

423. the prettiest country in the

424. world!

425. I hit something.

426. After its wonky start,

427. the boat was finally starting to stretch its legs.

428. How fast are we going? 25 knots, that's tremendous!

429. We are about eight miles from the shore, so we've got 200 miles to run.

430. This speed, however, did have its downsides.

431. What's my rank on this trip, skipper?

432. Am I the coxswain, or the bosun or the Roger, the cabin boy?

433. - Uh, right now, you're the cabin boy. - Cabin boy.

434. That would be all right if you had a cabin.

435. All right, its accident report form.

436. "Was Avis vehicle on correct side of the road?"

437. Yes, I was.

438. "Explain how accident occurred."

439. A maniac came the other way!

440. "State who in your opinion was responsible for the accident."

441. Him! Him! He was mad!

442. Right, onwards!

443. Okay, three, two, one, diving!

444. Ooh! Ow!

445. Come on, James, put some effort in.

446. Ah!

447. Ah!

448. This is so catastrophically uncomfortable as a way to travel.

449. The £65-a-day hire car and the £700,000 boat

450. hunkered down, and pressed on.

451. Tarmac, white lines.

452. We've covered 36 miles. - 36?

453. The course is, uh, 310.

454. Imagining that I was well in the lead, I pulled over to call James.

455. Hello?

456. James May.

457. Yes, hello?

458. What speed are you doing?

459. Well, we've been cracking along at 23 knots plus, at some points.

460. It goes like stink.

461. 23 knots, wow! Is it exhausting?

462. No, I want to say it's bloody uncomfortable and unpleasant,

463. but Sir Ben Ainslie is sitting next to me, so I can't really say that.

464. Can you congratulate him for how good he was in both Gandhi and Sexy Beast?

465. At this point, the producers showed me a tracking device that

466. revealed where James actually was.

467. Oh, my giddy aunt!

468. That can't be right. According to this, you're miles ahead of me.

469. - You still talking to me? I can't hear you. - Holy cow!

470. Get off the phone, I'm busy!

471. Hello?

472. James was 170 miles from the finish line,

473. whereas I, because of the unique way New Zealand is shaped,

474. was still heading in the wrong direction with 340 miles to go.

475. What if I lose this race, people?

476. If you're campaigning now to stop the government building

477. 2,500 windmills in your back garden to provide you

478. with enough electricity for the pump in your fish tank

479. and I lose this, I can only apologise.

480. I am trying to help you out here but I'm losing.

481. And I'm losing badly.

482. I'm actually losing.

483. And I don't like losing.

484. No... That boat is like being on a trampoline

485. that's on a trampoline while somebody throws buckets

486. of salty water in your face and then dries you off with a blowtorch.

487. I know what you mean.

488. On those gravel roads, the bumpiness in that car.

489. No, Jeremy, you don't know what I mean.

490. I just wanted to hit a mine, I wanted it to be over.

491. Well, we'll find out what happens later on, okay?

492. But now, it is time

493. to introduce to you all a brand-new Reasonably Priced Car.

494. The old Kia Cee'd has been retired,

495. probably sold to a little old lady as an ex-demonstrator.

496. Low mileage. And this is what shall replace it.

497. This is a big moment, ladies and gentlemen.

498. The unveiling of what is, after all,

499. only our fourth Reasonably Priced Car.

500. And so...

501. - What do you think of that? Yeah!

502. It's drawn applause and I'm not surprised.

503. Because, ladies and men, this is...

504. A Vauxhall Astra

505. 1.6 Tech Line,

506. built in Britain

507. and available for £17,345.

508. Yeah. Now, that may not sound like a particularly good value

509. but you need to know that the Astra Tech Line...

510. Remember to go into your local radio voice here.

511. - Here we go, the Astra Tech... - Comes with...

512. A lifetime warranty.

513. A lifetime warranty. Now think about that.

514. If you're 17

515. and you live to be 95 or even 100...

516. A-ha. - What?

517. No, it's the lifetime of the car.

518. Not the owner. It's different.

519. The car?

520. It depends how long the car lives.

521. It's going to be a lot shorter.

522. - I don't know, it could be a long-lived car. - Well, whatever,

523. we decided to launch it

524. with a star-studded party.

525. We arrived at the track bright and early

526. so we could set up the catering and the hospitality.

527. And soon everything was ready for our distinguished guests.

528. We have invited literally everybody

529. from the world of celebrity.

530. President Carter, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Moira Stuart.

531. I've invited just for you, 'cause I know you like her,

532. - Joss Stone. - Really?

533. Yes!

534. You'll be rubbish with her.

535. Hammond is literally the world's worst human being at small talk.

536. "Joss, would you like a teabag?" See, I can do it.

537. Small talk's really easy, Hammond.

538. You just be interested in somebody else.

539. That's where it falls down, you see.

540. - You want to know where do their kids go to school... - Why?

541. - Where do they live? - Why?

542. My lesson in small talk was interrupted

543. by the arrival of our first guest.

544. Brian Johnson out of AC/DC.

545. Good to see you, me son, are you all right?

546. Brian, how are you, mate, are you well?

547. I'm doing good. Richard, me bonny lad.

548. Nice to see you. How are you?

549. I'm fit as a butcher's dog. And you've got a new car?

550. Yeah, you are the very first person

551. to drive the new Vauxhall Astra Tech Line.

552. Since this was the maiden voyage for our new car,

553. we decided to give it a bit of a send-off.

554. This is it.

555. Proud moment.

556. A new Reasonably Priced Car.

557. We'll cut the ribbon, thanks to Brian Johnson!

558. In... three, two, one... go!

559. Ha! It's got stuck in the car.

560. You stupid idiot!

561. What tape have you used?

562. It didn't cut it.

563. - What happened? - Sorry, Brian.

564. You back up, Brian.

565. We'll edit this out. Edit this out.

566. In three, two, one... go!

567. Okay, come on, little boy.

568. Let's get this little puppy 'round it.

569. Whilst Brian pounded round the track

570. our next guest arrived.

571. Charles Dance out of Game of Thrones.

572. Where's the other one, the third member of your team?

573. He doesn't come down. He's interested mostly

574. in classical harpsichord music, rather than...

575. - Richard, that's disgusting coffee. - It is, it is, thank you.

576. - ... horrible. - Thank you.

577. Come on, you... little...

578. With Brian busy enjoying himself,

579. I had plenty of time to quiz Tywin Lannister

580. about my favourite programme.

581. I assumed that you'd obviously be with

582. Tyrion Lannister and Lena Headey.

583. Who else? Oh, Sansa.

584. You have literally no idea what we're talking about, do you?

585. - Have you not watched it, Richard? - Yes! Yes.

586. - You have? - No.

587. Before Richard could make any more conversational errors,

588. Brian came back to see how he'd got on.

589. When you were last here in the Chevrolet Lacetti,

590. you did a 145.9.

591. Right.

592. In the Vauxhall Astra Tech Line...

593. With lifetime warranty.

594. One...

595. Forty five...

596. - One... - Oh! Brilliant.

597. You're faster than you were before.

598. There. Yeah.

599. Brian Johnson...

600. Oh, that's just...

601. He doesn't know what to say. I mean...

602. With a target to aim for,

603. the Hand of the King set off.

604. Okay. Come on, Charlie.

605. And whilst he was on the track,

606. one of Hammond's guests arrived.

607. Actor Warwick Davis.

608. - Hello. - Hi, Jeremy.

609. - How are you? - Good, thank you. How are you?

610. - Very well. - Warwick, Jeremy. Jeremy, Warwick.

611. - Pedals. - Drum kit?

612. No, it's my extension pedals. For the car.

613. - They go in the car, you see? - You don't have something like this?

614. - No, but I like the look of them. - Yeah.

615. You have only got two.

616. Well, that's all you need, isn't it? Brake and accelerator.

617. For an automatic, yeah. It's manual.

618. Um...

619. We'll improvise.

620. Nearly nobbled a cameraman.

621. Once Tywin had finished,

622. and we got his time on the lap board...

623. One forty...

624. Oh, heavens above!

625. - Eight. Point eight. - Oh!

626. Hammond and Warwick set off to make an extended clutch pedal.

627. Gee, I was gonna do that.

628. - He's brought two pedals down. - Uh huh.

629. But it's a manual.

630. Oh, uh, problem.

631. - Yeah. - Problem.

632. I need to set a good lap time and how can I if this sort of disintegrates.

633. Is that his excuse, you know, "It wasn't a very good time because his clutch pedal..."

634. I'm not trying to give you excuses, I'm trying to give you a chance.

635. Okay, let me sit in there and push that. Let me push the Pringles.

636. - Okay. Obviously, we need some sort of... - Oh, hell.

637. I'm pretty low down here.

638. Um, okay.

639. So, let's just see, for argument's sake, if this is strong enough.

640. - Okay, it is strong enough. - Yeah.

641. But I'm having to sort of steady it with my foot.

642. You are doing very well.

643. Eventually, after much experimenting...

644. - More bread, yeah? - Well, because that goes behind you.

645. I'm still too low.

646. Warwick set off on his timed laps.

647. I can't get in gear...

648. Unfortunately, I couldn't be there to support him

649. because I'd been distracted.

650. - This is Richard. - Hello, Richard.

651. - He fancies you. Nice to meet you!

652. - I've got a badge for you here. - What's that?

653. - That's your badge. - Oh, good, just in case.

654. - Put that on. - Okay, good.

655. Um... right, good. I'm gonna leave the two of you alone.

656. - Okay. - Just to get to know each other.

657. - I can entertain you with my small talk. - Okay.

658. - It's very good. - His small talk's not very good.

659. - Completely oblivious to Warwick's peril... - Oh, God!

660. Oh, bloody hell! Oh!

661. Mr Smalltalk had completely forgotten not to go on about himself.

662. Well, the important thing is not to panic, 'cause everyone thinks helicopters

663. - will just fall out the sky if the engine fails. They won't. - Right.

664. I mean, I've had... I had to land a couple times for... things.

665. - Without engines? - Yup.

666. Lot of skill involved.

667. You have to be good. There's only so many people have got helicopter licences.

668. Oh, God! Ahhh!

669. Hell, bloody hell!

670. As Warwick went off yet again, Jimmy Carr arrived.

671. - How are you, you all right? - Very well, how are you?

672. - Very nice to see you. - It's got your name on it.

673. - Lovely. - That, my friend, that is teeth whitening.

674. - I don't know what you've had done. - Ooh!

675. That... that's how that's done.

676. Hot on Jimmy's heels was world heavyweight champion David Haye,

677. who made a beeline for the boxing machine.

678. Ooh!

679. Oh, no!

680. What does it say?

681. A new record, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.

682. Well done. Okay.

683. With Richard sulking at the attention David was

684. getting from Joss, I had a go.

685. Oh!

686. - No, you styled out, you looked totally cool.

687. Yes!

688. Having finally mastered Hammond's terrible DIY,

689. Warwick had managed to bang in a lap time.

690. You did it in 140...

691. - Six-eight! - Oh!

692. - Slap bang in the middle. - Pleased with that?

693. You are faster than the Hand of the King.

694. Whilst Joss was out on the track, a girl Jeremy has a soft spot for arrived.

695. Rachel Riley off Countdown.

696. Wasn't expecting that.

697. - Hello! - Hello.

698. - I'm Jeremy. - I'm Rachel.

699. - Good to meet you, how are you? - Good, thank you.

700. Can I get you anything?

701. Hi, Rachel, I'm Richard.

702. - Richard Hammond is extremely busy at the moment. - I'm going over here.

703. When Rachel saw the barbecue, she claimed she was a vegetarian.

704. So I decided to make her some fish.

705. I just need to come in here.

706. You really are squeezing in.

707. I know, I just need to come in because I brought you some... Do you like sushi?

708. - I love sushi. - Excellent, I'll just...

709. Shall I, um... um...

710. Yeah. Yeah.

711. - Are you a trained sushi chef? - Yeah.

712. Oh, I've got soy sauce all over me.

713. - Yeah, you have. - Thanks.

714. Sorry, Richard. Sorry.

715. Making the sushi required a lot of care.

716. - There we go.

717. But the results were worth it.

718. Yes.

719. It's like a Bushtucker trial, this.

720. Do not brake on this corner! Okay... Ahhh!

721. With her laps completed, Hammond insisted that he should put Joss's

722. time on the board.

723. - Ten years, we've done this show. - Yup.

724. - How many times have you done that? - Loads.

725. - Never. - I often do this bit of the show.

726. Go on, then.

727. Joss, I've got your time written down over here.

728. Although, for his sake, I hope it's not the fastest time

729. 'cause he ain't getting it up there, is he?

730. - Oh, from you!

731. - Oh, I love it!

732. - Nice! - Even from Warwick.

733. So, you want to beat the man from that thing.

734. - The Hand of the King. - That's the fella.

735. - Right. - Well, how fast did she do it?

736. I'm getting to it!

737. What? How fast did Joss do it?

738. He did it in 1.48, it says on the bloody board!

739. - Well, I can't read it from over there. - 1.48.8.

740. You did it in...

741. 1.48...

742. Oh!

743. - Point... - Oh, God!

744. Don't say nine.

745. - Nine! - Oh, no!

746. - Oh, shit!

747. Get out of that one, Hammond.

748. Oh, no, that's so sad!

749. No, Joss, that was... Oh.

750. Come on, my son!

751. As David Haye set about pummelling the Astra Tech Line...

752. Hammond's day got even worse.

753. Hammond, look who it is.

754. Who's that?

755. That's Mike Rutherford, out of Genesis.

756. Hammond. Hammond?

757. Hammond! Hammond!

758. Mike!

759. - How are you? - Very well. How are you?

760. I'm very good.

761. - It's good to see you. - Where's the team?

762. - Where's Richard? - Richard?

763. - Yeah. - Well, now that's odd. He was here a minute ago.

764. Because I have occasionally said

765. some unkind things about Genesis on Top Gear,

766. I decided to look for something on the floor

767. and let Jeremy handle the chat stuff.

768. Are you recording at the moment?

769. - I'm doing some Mike + The Mechanics, yeah. - Oh, brilliant!

770. Jeremy's chat was then interrupted

771. because Dainty David had finished.

772. You did 146.8.

773. David Haye, you did 146.7.

774. - Oh!

775. A tenth of a second faster.

776. With Mike Rutherford out in the car...

777. Avoid the cameraman over there.

778. I'm doin' it.

779. Hammond suddenly re-emerged.

780. - Where have you been? - I had something to do.

781. If you're just hiding from him, he's one of the nicest people...

782. - Is he not one of the nicest men? - He is really sweet.

783. He's one of the top-three guys in Genesis.

784. I want to know if Mike can do a lap faster...

785. - Than one of his tracks. - No!

786. - No! - Sorry.

787. As it turned out, Hammond wasn't far off.

788. One...

789. Fifty one...

790. Point...

791. - Joss, that's not very ladylike. - Chuffed! Thank you.

792. Five.

793. As Jimmy Carr set about his laps...

794. Let's hope this is good.

795. Rachel decided to play the piano.

796. It was nice!

797. 'Till Jeremy joined in.

798. If I can keep it on the road that's going to help, isn't it?

799. Because it had been several years

800. since Jimmy had driven a Reasonably Priced Car,

801. we thought he might have mellowed.

802. I think I might have broken the car.

803. I'd like to present you, Jimmy Carr...

804. Put a bit of grass on the front.

805. - With these... - Thank you very much.

806. You know the middle pedal?

807. - There's the clutch and the accelerator. - Yes.

808. There's that one in between them.

809. I know, the footrest.

810. - One day, we've had that, Jimmy! - Do we have a jack?

811. I think we could use... Warwick, you can lift things, right?

812. I don't know what super powers you people have,

813. - but can you lift it?

814. You just referred to me as a jack.

815. Before Jimmy got us taken off air,

816. we rushed him over to the lap board.

817. And where do you think you've come?

818. I imagine I've beaten him.

819. - I mean, I know he does a lot of racing in his spare time. - Mmm-hmm.

820. It's his hobby, but I just think natural ability... tough to beat.

821. 145.1 to beat.

822. You did a one...

823. forty five...

824. Point six.

825. Oh, no, that's very well done, I think, despite... It's cost a car!

826. With the car eventually mended, our final guest set off.

827. Come on, Reasonably Priced Car!

828. And Hammond took one last shot at impressing Joss.

829. - Ready? - Yeah.

830. Oh, God! That's okay, it's fine.

831. That's fine, uh... I can do it faster.

832. - Ah, this is brilliant. - That's fine, I can do this... Oh!

833. I just wanted to check that was okay. And that was, um...

834. - You didn't last very long. - Yeah, I did this on a real sheep once.

835. At this point, Joss decided to leave.

836. Which meant Richard saw no point in staying, either.

837. That left me all alone with Rachel.

838. Ahhh!

839. Didn't break the car!

840. So where do you think you've come?

841. Definitely in this section. Definitely in this section.

842. - You did it, actually, in one...

843. 48.5,

844. so actually, there you are,

845. - faster than the Hand of the King. - Fastest woman!

846. Whoo! I need something to calm down, some kind of sedative.

847. With our work done, we left the track in my helicopter.

848. - To the pub? - Pub?

849. Oh, yeah.

850. - And there it is, the Reasonably Priced Car,

851. launched and ready for action!

852. Anyway, tonight we are having a race,

853. up the side of New Zealand from here to here.

854. Yep, it's James in a £700,000 boat

855. versus me in the fastest car in the world,

856. a £65-a-day rented hatchback.

857. When we left the action, I was here,

858. and Jeremy was here.

859. So I was winning.

860. But I was very miserable.

861. All power, hire car!

862. Splash the caravan.

863. Onboard HMS Misery, life wasn't getting any better.

864. This is what I get to eat on the boat.

865. A melted bar of chocolate...

866. and a bag of nuts, and you'll have to beep that word.

867. Life in the car, now I was on tarmac roads, was much more comfortable.

868. Radio...

869. Crowded House. Nice. Local band.

870. Now, let's just try another radio station.

871. Radio Three.

872. After 60 miles of Crowded House,

873. I was finally heading in the right direction.

874. But I was approaching the often crowded city of Auckland.

875. According to the tracking device, James is now 100 miles ahead of me.

876. Dear God, let Auckland be clear.

877. Mercifully, it was.

878. I'm doing 120 kilometres an hour on a very smooth road.

879. Coming to get you, James.

880. Out at sea, conditions were getting even worse.

881. Hold on, big fella! You all right?

882. With the rough seas slowing us down,

883. I decided to use my sat phone to see where Jeremy was.

884. - Oh! That's the end of that! - What's wrong?

885. That tore it clean out of my hand. I just couldn't keep hold of it.

886. Please!

887. I'm on a mission from God!

888. Go, go, go!

889. Right, last chance with the radio.

890. Auckland on 90.2.

891. Despite the conditions, the sailors were pushing the boat to the ragged edge.

892. Oh, that's a biggie. Whoa!

893. Matty, you know this is bloody madness, mate.

894. It's not too good at the moment.

895. We've never sailed these things in these conditions before, and, uh...

896. - Now you tell me. - 20 knots of breeze,

897. you know, if we do go in, you have to hang on,

898. 'cause you're gonna be breaking bones.

899. So, really, James, the best thing for you to do, mate, is hang on.

900. Tremendous. Thank you.

901. In the little blue hatchback,

902. the news from the GPS tracking device was encouraging.

903. James May is now only 67 miles ahead.

904. I'm catching him.

905. But am I catching him fast enough? That's the big question.

906. I decided to take a shortcut,

907. even though it would mean leaving the tarmac

908. and using gravel roads instead.

909. This is gonna save me 20 miles.

910. Yeah!

911. My plan was working well, but then the gravel ran out.

912. There's no track!

913. Yeah, I wouldn't do this in my Mercedes, pretty certain of that.

914. Oh, dear! I've run into the White Cliffs of Dover, literally.

915. Still, could be worse.

916. - Sir Ben Ainslie, sir? - Yes.

917. Please don't take this personally,

918. but this is bloody purgatory!

919. Can you imagine... Ow!

920. Meanwhile, I'd found a track.

921. This must take me back to the road.

922. Oh, my God! Tractor!

923. Ahhh!

924. - Sir Ben Ainslie, sir? - Yes!

925. What happens if you need a slash on this boat?

926. I think there's a bucket somewhere.

927. Right. I might just piss myself.

928. What is the point of sailing?

929. The track had indeed taken me back to the road

930. but the accident with the tractor meant

931. I was no longer driving the fastest car in the world.

932. The noise is not good.

933. It's not going to make it.

934. It just is not going to make it.

935. So there was only one thing for it.

936. - Hi. Good afternoon.

937. I've got a small problem with my car.

938. There was a maniacal tractor driver

939. who was doing about 70 kilometres an hour, I swerved...

940. In a jiffy, the helpful hire car lady had me back in the race.

941. Now, in one important respect,

942. this car is not the same as the one I started out with.

943. But at the finish line,

944. I suspect James will be so exhausted he won't notice...

945. that I set off with a blue car and ended up with a red one.

946. And anyway, right now, I had bigger issues,

947. because I was 100 miles from the finish line

948. and James was only 50 miles away.

949. To win, then, I'd have to go twice as fast.

950. Nice, guv! Lovely work. Steady, boys.

951. Stay vigilant, though, boys! Stay on it!

952. - Anything from Jeremy? Where is he? - No idea. No comms.

953. Come on! We've got the fastest car in the world, now use it.

954. 23 knots.

955. Okay! Three, two, one! Diving!

956. Come on, James, give us a hand! It's not a bloody love boat.

957. Come on, Jeremy, concentrate, concentrate.

958. Make every corner as crisp as you can. Come on!

959. Just ticked over nine hours.

960. I'm so sick of this.

961. What I really needed was a road with no corners.

962. And thanks to this wonderful country,

963. that's exactly what I found.

964. Yee-haw!

965. This is called Ninety Mile Beach, because

966. it is exactly 55 miles long.

967. I don't understand that, either.

968. What I do know and I do understand,

969. is that it is genuinely a public highway.

970. It's a road.

971. No traffic, no corners,

972. James May, you have had it.

973. In the boat, we were about to go round the very top of New Zealand.

974. That is the cape there.

975. Once we've rounded that, we think we'll have wind

976. and a bit of tide with us, the water will be flat,

977. then we've got about ten miles of pleasant sailing,

978. like in Howards' Way.

979. It can't come soon enough.

980. Gah!

981. Jesus.

982. Bit wobbly there.

983. Boys, just stay vigilant for this last six or seven miles.

984. Not far to go.

985. I was now off Ninety Mile Beach.

986. Back on gravel. I wasn't expecting that.

987. Come on, small red hatchback, whatever you are.

988. I'm doing this now to uphold the honour of coal, gas and oil,

989. the cornerstones of civilisation.

990. - Is that our beach there? - Yeah.

991. The finish line was a chequered flag at the water's edge,

992. but to make my day even more miserable,

993. Sir Ben announced that the boat couldn't actually get there.

994. - You're going to have to jump off and swim ashore. - What? You're joking!

995. There's now only five miles to go.

996. Okay, James.

997. Don't lose it now. Do not lose it now!

998. Go for it, James! Swim!

999. Come on!

1000. No! No!

1001. Come on! Please!

1002. Have I won? Have I won? Have I won?

1003. Oh, man in heaven! Oh, God!

1004. Holy cow, have you seen your face?

1005. I was just about to conclude and say, we must now close down

1006. all coal and gas-powered power stations

1007. and switch immediately to wind power,

1008. 'cause obviously it's better. But look what it does to you!

1009. It's brought me out in boils and sores and blindness.

1010. Did you have to use any of your insurance waiver forms?

1011. No, none at all. The car got here without a single scratch.

1012. - It was blue when you set off. - It wasn't.

1013. - Wasn't it? It was blue! - It wasn't.

1014. - I'd have sworn it was blue. - It was red...

1015. Well done, James May.

1016. - Can I just say, that boat, the boat... - Oh, God, he's moaning again!

1017. But listen, it's £700,000, okay? You don't get a cabin.

1018. You don't even get a chair, or a table, or a radio, or even a floor.

1019. - Yes, but James, you won. - I didn't win, Hammond, the crew won.

1020. All I did was not fall off for 12 hours.

1021. Well, anyway, the conclusion is that wind power is obviously great,

1022. but it does give you a face like a prostitute's front door.

1023. And on that bombshell, it is time to end.

1024. Thank you so much for watching. See you next week. Good night!