1. It's goat bone? I don't want that.Copy !req
2. And it's got a cockerel on it.Copy !req
3. Yeah, I'll have one of them
and the kettle.Copy !req
4. God! What?Copy !req
5. My bed's gone out of alignment.Copy !req
6. 'Our adventure began
in Uganda where,Copy !req
7. 'armed with three
£1,500 estate cars,Copy !req
8. 'we were given
a spectacular challenge.'Copy !req
9. You will find
the source of the River Nile.Copy !req
10. 'To make life easier, we converted
our cars into mobile homes.'Copy !req
11. Whoa!Copy !req
12. What's that? Living quarters
combined with a workshop.Copy !req
13. Nobody in the history of AfricaCopy !req
14. has ever been
more comfortable than this.Copy !req
15. 'Having failed to find the source
of the Nile in western Uganda...'Copy !req
16. Southeast? Yeah. It's no good.Copy !req
17. '.. we decided the actual source
was in northern Tanzania.'Copy !req
18. That means going through Rwanda,
Tanzania to there. Such a long way!Copy !req
19. It is a long way. Right.Copy !req
20. 'And so, a 600-mile journey began,
a journey that has alreadyCopy !req
21. 'taken us through the toughest
terrain imaginable.'Copy !req
22. Argh! Aaarrrrghhh!Copy !req
23. Whoa!Copy !req
24. Come on! Come on!Copy !req
25. 'And, on top of all this, it turned
out I was traveling with a thief.'Copy !req
26. How long's that been there?
Good grief!Copy !req
27. Is that my door?Copy !req
28. Well, you're not using that bit.
You didn't even notice.Copy !req
29. That's it! That's it!Copy !req
30. Top Gear S19E07 Africa Special part 2
Corrections and sync Wally73Copy !req
31. 'As dawn broke, the peace
and serenity of this beautiful.Copy !req
32. 'Ugandan morning was shattered
by the bellow of a wild animal.'Copy !req
33. Last night, while Hammond
and May were round the campfireCopy !req
34. discussing Uganda, I made an
interesting modification to my car.Copy !req
35. Yesterday, I discovered hill starts
were very difficult.Copy !req
36. I can't ride the clutch because of
the throttle problem and I can't useCopy !req
37. the handbrake because it's broken,Copy !req
38. so what I've done is fitted
this log at the back.Copy !req
39. You tow it along normally, but then
when you want to start on a hill,Copy !req
40. you let the car roll back onto it,Copy !req
41. use it as a wedge
and set off easily.Copy !req
42. It's simple, it's elegant,
it's brilliant.Copy !req
43. 'As we set off on our long drive,
the mood was a little fractious.'Copy !req
44. If I know James May at all,
and I'm sorry to have to say I do,Copy !req
45. he won't be so cross about the theft
of part of his bonnet asCopy !req
46. he will be about the shoddiness
of the execution of the theft.Copy !req
47. It's not a neat job.
That will rankle.Copy !req
48. Look at it!Copy !req
49. I mean, that looks like
it was doneCopy !req
50. with a knife and fork
by the council.Copy !req
51. It's not square, it's not neat,
he's wasted material,Copy !req
52. he's left sharp edges,
it's all bent.Copy !req
53. I cannot conceive of the mind
of a man who would look at thatCopy !req
54. and think that was
the right way to do it.Copy !req
55. 'I don't mind you taking a bit
of my bonnet, that's fair.Copy !req
56. 'I do mind you doing such
an appalling bloody job of it,Copy !req
57. 'you ham-fisted oaf!'Copy !req
58. Honestly, I could do a better
job than thatCopy !req
59. with the end of a bulldozer!Copy !req
60. Well, I... I couldn't find any tools.Copy !req
61. 'The back of the car is full
of bloody tools!Copy !req
62. 'The biggest tool in this
operation was you!'Copy !req
63. A pair of tin snips looks
like a pair of robust scissorsCopy !req
64. and their function is obvious.
They are obviously not a hammer!Copy !req
65. This could go on.
'Obviously not a screwdriver!Copy !req
66. 'They are obviously not a spanner!
They are obviously designed...'Copy !req
67. There we go, that's got rid of him.Copy !req
68. 'Soon we came to an uphill stretch,Copy !req
69. 'so I decided to test
my new handbrake.'Copy !req
70. Simply pop it off the back,
roll it out.Copy !req
71. Watch this.Copy !req
72. Roll back.Copy !req
73. The wooden handbrake is holding me,
I simply set off.Copy !req
74. Here we go.Copy !req
75. Yes! So there we are,Copy !req
76. hill starting solved!
Sometimes my genius is...Copy !req
77. It's almost frightening!Copy !req
78. Well, fair dos, that works.Copy !req
79. You do have to tow a log about,
but it works. I am a happy man today.Copy !req
80. Chaps? Yes? Are we likely to see a
gorilla? I hope we do see a gorilla.Copy !req
81. I'd show them my bonnet and say,Copy !req
82. "Could you do a better job
than that?"Copy !req
83. But look on the bright side, James,
it's going to be a scorcher today.Copy !req
84. My God!Copy !req
85. Did that..? Dear!Copy !req
86. The handbrake bounced up and has
broken my hotel viewing platform.Copy !req
87. You've got glass in your duvet!Copy !req
88. Stupidest idea in history!Copy !req
89. Jeremy,
people walk around here barefoot.Copy !req
90. You've got to sweep all this stuff.
We have.Copy !req
91. But look - God gave us a tool
for just such a moment as this.Copy !req
92. Would you not agree this is
the ideal tool, James, for this job?Copy !req
93. Yes, hammers do have their uses.
I can think of one right now.Copy !req
94. 'After cleaning up my mess,Copy !req
95. 'we carried on through yet more
breathtaking countryside.'Copy !req
96. Look at the state of that view.
Wait a minute.Copy !req
97. Does the world get any
prettier than this?Copy !req
98. 'In fact the only blot
on the landscape was our hideous.Copy !req
99. 'Ford Scorpio back-up car.'Copy !req
100. I've just realised I forgot to eat
anything this morning. I'm starving.Copy !req
101. Well, Hammond made me a lovely plate
of beans. Beans? What sort of beans?Copy !req
102. Do you know, they were baked?Copy !req
103. 'Soon, the dirt track gave way to
some perfect Chinese-built roads,Copy !req
104. 'a blessed relief
for our battered cars.Copy !req
105. 'And after a simple 50-mile cruise,Copy !req
106. 'we reached the border.'Copy !req
107. Goodbye, Uganda, and thank you. That
was an education. And now, Rwanda.Copy !req
108. I don't know anything about Rwanda.Copy !req
109. 'As it turned out,
James knew even less.'Copy !req
110. James? What? Apparently they drive on
the other side of the road in Rwanda.Copy !req
111. Do they really James, really,
we're not fooling you! Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
112. 'Mercifully, there was more Chinese
tarmac, so we were able to surgeCopy !req
113. 'through a country where,
actually, none of usCopy !req
114. 'had really known what to expect.'Copy !req
115. In 1994,
this country witnessedCopy !req
116. the worst genocide
in the history of humankind.Copy !req
117. A million people
died in around about three months.Copy !req
118. A million people in three months!
With machetes and garden tools.Copy !req
119. And that was only 18 years ago,
and now look.Copy !req
120. It's incredible how quickly things,
on the surface at least...Copy !req
121. .. mend themselves.Copy !req
122. Hello!
Hello! Hello, hello!Copy !req
123. It's constant.Copy !req
124. All the roads,
even out here in the sticks,Copy !req
125. are just absolutely
three-deep in people,Copy !req
126. and they all wave when you go by
and you have to wave back.Copy !req
127. Hello! Hello! Hello, hello.
Hello. Hello.Copy !req
128. Hello! Hello.Copy !req
129. 'After many more miles of waving,
smooth tarmacCopy !req
130. 'and stunning scenery...Copy !req
131. '.. we arrived on the other side of
Rwanda at its border with Tanzania.'Copy !req
132. That was a long drive,
but we've done it - all of Rwanda.Copy !req
133. Now for an interminably long wait.Copy !req
134. 'The paperwork did indeed
take an age,Copy !req
135. 'but, happily, Jeremy
and I found a way to pass the time.'Copy !req
136. Funny Ha-ha-haCopy !req
137. 'And then, finally,
we crossed over into Tanzania.'Copy !req
138. Shall we make camp here, gentlemen?Copy !req
139. It's been a long drive with a long
border crossing of 900 hours.Copy !req
140. 'Despite the calm
stillness of the evening,Copy !req
141. 'James plainly still had a bee
in his bonnet about his bonnet.'Copy !req
142. This evening
I am going to need... these.Copy !req
143. And I'm going to need theseCopy !req
144. and this.Copy !req
145. And I'm going to need
these tin snips,Copy !req
146. which are like scissors but much
stronger. I'm going to need those.Copy !req
147. I'm going to need all these
things for this evening.Copy !req
148. Right, I'm up to 18 million
pieces of glass.Copy !req
149. Look in another fold, there you go -
18 million and two, three...Copy !req
150. Why do they call this stuff
safety glass? I mean, it isn't!Copy !req
151. Why can't it just
break into four pieces?Copy !req
152. Why does it have to
break into 19 million pieces?Copy !req
153. And it goes everywhere!Copy !req
154. You could be in bed
and it's outside your houseCopy !req
155. and it goes in your pyjamas!Copy !req
156. 18 million and ten.Copy !req
157. No.Copy !req
158. No.Copy !req
159. No.Copy !req
160. Yes.Copy !req
161. No.Copy !req
162. Good morning, viewers.Copy !req
163. I'm afraid things may have got
a little out of hand in campCopy !req
164. last night, but it's good news!Copy !req
165. I found another piece of scrap metal
and I managed to mend my bonnet!Copy !req
166. I'll admit, I was FURIOUS when James
stole my bonnet scoop, but thenCopy !req
167. on Jeremy's car, I found something
that does the job just as well.Copy !req
168. I'm calling it the poop scoop.Copy !req
169. I was a bit cross about losing
my lavatory, but then, staggeringly,Copy !req
170. in the middle of a remote field
in Tanzania, I foundCopy !req
171. a rear window that fitted
into the back of my car!Copy !req
172. I mean,
it looks like it's meant to be here!Copy !req
173. It's uncanny!Copy !req
174. 'Unfortunately, the modifications to
Hammond's now half-timbered SubaruCopy !req
175. 'seem to have
impaired his visibility.'Copy !req
176. No!Copy !req
177. Bad!Copy !req
178. Anyway, we've woken up,
slightly thick heads.Copy !req
179. We're all mates again,Copy !req
180. which is just as well, because
we've got an extremely long day...Copy !req
181. That is a river. Yes, it is. Well,
there must be a bridge somewhere.Copy !req
182. Why MUST there be a bridge? Well,
there must be! Well, there isn't!Copy !req
183. Look! Well, there isn't one THERE,
but there'll be a bridge.Copy !req
184. I know what.
It's time to deploy the ARU. What?Copy !req
185. The ARU -
Aerial Reconnaissance Unit.Copy !req
186. I knew this sort of thing would
happen. Where did that come from?Copy !req
187. I've been working on it for
the last couple of weeks at homeCopy !req
188. for just such an eventuality.
Have you? Have you really?Copy !req
189. Did you build it? Yeah. Really? Well,
you've got a helicopter license.Copy !req
190. You fly it. Right.Copy !req
191. I operate the camera underneathCopy !req
192. that swivels about and you tell us
what it's seeing, James.Copy !req
193. Right, are we ready?
Yes, I've got a picture.Copy !req
194. Hammond? Yes... Begin!Copy !req
195. Yes! There she goes!
There you go. That's good.Copy !req
196. Right, that height is good.
Now head that way, down the river.Copy !req
197. Point it down. You're not pointing
it at the river. Point it down.Copy !req
198. Well, you'll need to point it down.Copy !req
199. No, you fly level,
you point the camera down. Yeah.Copy !req
200. Got it. River turns left...
That's good.Copy !req
201. There's no bridge, though.
Keep going.Copy !req
202. Pivot right a bit.Copy !req
203. Swivel left, camera.Copy !req
204. Hang on a minute. What?Copy !req
205. There's like a big weir thing.
It's not a weir, James!Copy !req
206. That's the biggest waterfall
I've ever seen!Copy !req
207. Right, that's relevant
Right, good. No bridge.Copy !req
208. 'And it was the same story
when we looked upstream.'Copy !req
209. Bring it back, Hammond.Copy !req
210. 'With the ARU back at base...Copy !req
211. '.. we had to work out how
we could cross this riverCopy !req
212. 'that was full of killer waterfalls,
bilharzia and many teeth.'Copy !req
213. Why don't we build... a car ferry?
What, with like a bar and everything?Copy !req
214. No, no!
Like that thing we saw in Albania!Copy !req
215. Like a raft? Why don't WE build one?Copy !req
216. Look, I used to build them when I
was a kid! I fell in a lot, but...Copy !req
217. Wood... What else do you need?
Rope. Oil drums.Copy !req
218. You need to lash the rope together.
Maybe some nails and a hammer.Copy !req
219. Probably a hammer, yeah.
Oil drums, oil drums underneath.Copy !req
220. This sounds like the worst
management course ever!Copy !req
221. You know those Outward Bound courses
where you've got a chicken and...Copy !req
222. OK, then. Thanks to Hammond,
it's back to the studio.Copy !req
223. All we need is a platformCopy !req
224. big enough to take a car that
will take its weight and floats.Copy !req
225. Then we pull it across on ropes
like the Albanian one.Copy !req
226. We drove through a village,
did we not,Copy !req
227. about... just behind those
banana trees?Copy !req
228. Yes, but do you think
they sell rafts for cars?Copy !req
229. They might sell car ferries. No,
but they've always got...Copy !req
230. Don't want a banana, don't want
a headscarf, I'd like a car ferry.Copy !req
231. "We've got one in the back, sir."
Look, I'm going to divide this up.Copy !req
232. I'm going to find some rope. You go
and find some oil drums. You go...Copy !req
233. I'll get some wood. And some wood.Copy !req
234. Right, off you go. Have you got
the hammer and stake? Yeah.Copy !req
235. Your rope's come off!Copy !req
236. You're getting nearer, James!
I'm not!Copy !req
237. Would you say you were nearer,
James? No.Copy !req
238. 'With HMS Wobbly in the water,Copy !req
239. 'Hammond and May decided that
my car should go first.'Copy !req
240. Good. A tiny, tiny bit left.
Straight, that's good.Copy !req
241. Hold on.Copy !req
242. You need to go... BLEEP.
It's close. Tiny bit right.Copy !req
243. OK, your back wheels are on.
I am now boarding our ferry.Copy !req
244. That's good. 'As I inched forwards,
a hungry audience gathered.'Copy !req
245. You'll feel when you're on
cos you'll hit the chock.Copy !req
246. Two and a half feet. Feet? Yeah.Copy !req
247. Good, a bit more. You're just
about to... There you go, you're on!Copy !req
248. Put it in gear and turn off.Copy !req
249. These have got to come with us
for the other side.Copy !req
250. 'With the ramps on board,
we set off.'Copy !req
251. Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
252. What did you just do? Cast off.Copy !req
253. Are we now underway? Yes.
Pull on the rope. I am.Copy !req
254. I'm Geoff Capes!Copy !req
255. I am pulling a BMW 528i Touring
across a crocodile-infested river!Copy !req
256. And the impressive thing is, you're
not making a fuss about it either.Copy !req
257. No, I'm not showing off, but I am...Copy !req
258. James, wait! James, James, James!Copy !req
259. What? It doesn't make any
difference.Copy !req
260. Stay at the back!
James, please stay at the back!Copy !req
261. Stop being such an old woman -
it doesn't make any difference!Copy !req
262. Really? So that barrel's just
come back above the water again...Copy !req
263. But it's not going to go
all the way down, is it?Copy !req
264. Right... So if I get on the bank
and James throws me a yellow rope...Copy !req
265. Good idea.
Can you get on the bank from there?Copy !req
266. These logs get really slippery! Yes.
Right, you're on the bank...Copy !req
267. Good catchCopy !req
268. The throw wasn't brilliant.
I'll go to the back. Whey!Copy !req
269. Well...Copy !req
270. People are now turning over to watch
Red Or Black? Or something.Copy !req
271. I'm sorry we made it.Copy !req
272. Nobody was expecting that.Copy !req
273. Got it?Copy !req
274. 'Mind you, there was still the small
matter of disembarking.'Copy !req
275. .. not convinced.Copy !req
276. Yes!Copy !req
277. Well, you're NEARLY ashore.Copy !req
278. Aren't I ashore?Copy !req
279. Not entirely ashore, no.Copy !req
280. Yes, I'm ashore.Copy !req
281. Is that wheel ashore? Yes.Copy !req
282. 'We weren't convinced,Copy !req
283. 'so we gave him a helping hand.'Copy !req
284. Here we go!Copy !req
285. Yes!Copy !req
286. Feeling good.Copy !req
287. Yes, yes!Copy !req
288. God, I'm a good driver.Copy !req
289. 'Back on the other bank,Copy !req
290. 'it was Hammond's turn,
and for some reason,Copy !req
291. 'he decided to make life difficult
for himself.'Copy !req
292. Why are you BACKING on?Copy !req
293. Because it is quite difficult getting
off at the other side, yeah? Yeah.Copy !req
294. And your BMW is now there
so it could tow me off.Copy !req
295. The only towing eye is at the back.Copy !req
296. It does mean I'll have to
reverse on.Copy !req
297. Hold on, hold on!
Does that look right from there?Copy !req
298. What...?Copy !req
299. Stop! Stop!
You're turning the wheel.Copy !req
300. I did NOT turn the wheel.
You turned it minutely.Copy !req
301. I might have leant on it.Copy !req
302. You're miles off the end.
A little more.Copy !req
303. And... stop.Copy !req
304. I am SO on board!Copy !req
305. James, you can pull this time,
you'll see how easy it isCopy !req
306. I shall be ballast, there.
That's the ticket!Copy !req
307. Not all at the same time.
You can't come on this side.Copy !req
308. I can't go on the other side.Copy !req
309. Look at the angle.
Gentlemen... Climb through the car.Copy !req
310. ..It is impossible to stand thereCopy !req
311. because there are two ramps piled
on top of one another.Copy !req
312. Hammond, get in your sitting room!Copy !req
313. I can't.
Get in your sitting room! No!Copy !req
314. You need to be on the other side.Copy !req
315. Climb over the bloody car.Copy !req
316. You've got heavier...Copy !req
317. That was tied on! No, I took
the rope off. We needed the rope.Copy !req
318. I took it off.Copy !req
319. I CAN go on the other side...Copy !req
320. as it turns out.Copy !req
321. Perfect. Let's go. Forget the chair.Copy !req
322. Are we there yetCopy !req
323. Somebody's had me chair!Copy !req
324. That man's got your chair!Copy !req
325. Good for him. Enjoy it!Copy !req
326. Ooh!Copy !req
327. 'On the other side, I was determined
to make a better job of disembarkingCopy !req
328. 'than Jeremy had.'Copy !req
329. Power. Hoo!Copy !req
330. Some of you's on board.Copy !req
331. Whoa, we got a problem.Copy !req
332. That's all completely hopeless
and you've sunk the raftCopy !req
333. and your catflap's terrible.Copy !req
334. 'I then pulled Hammond off...'Copy !req
335. Ya-hey!Copy !req
336. '.. And that gave me an idea.'Copy !req
337. Why don't we use this to pull
the ferry acrossCopy !req
338. with the Volvo on it?Copy !req
339. Why would we not do that?Copy !req
340. 'Rather sceptically, Hammond and I
went back to get my Volvo.'Copy !req
341. Crack on.Copy !req
342. Our father, who art in heaven,Copy !req
343. if you're there,
make it go upside down, please.Copy !req
344. Steady! Wooh!Copy !req
345. Ooh!Copy !req
346. Shall I come back? Just a tiny bit.Copy !req
347. Wah-duh...! Stop making
squeaking noises.Copy !req
348. The thing is, the BMW has
a 50-50 weight distribution.Copy !req
349. 50% over the front axle,
50% over the back,Copy !req
350. which is why the raft was level.Copy !req
351. With James' car,Copy !req
352. 70% of the weight is over
the front axle.Copy !req
353. That's why the whole thing
is tipping down.Copy !req
354. Are we attached? Yes.Copy !req
355. Jeremy, we have begun!Copy !req
356. Right,
so I pull you across the river.Copy !req
357. Yeah, gently.Copy !req
358. Very, very slowly indeed!Copy !req
359. If it goes under,
it'll probably go nose-in, won't it?Copy !req
360. Yeah, I'll stand at the back.
Are you ready?Copy !req
361. He's going already, hang on.Copy !req
362. This is Captain Hammond
ringing down to the engine room.Copy !req
363. You have the slacks.
That's plenty fast enough!Copy !req
364. Yes, gently.Copy !req
365. Seriously, Jeremy.
We are going under.Copy !req
366. That's too fast, too fast!Copy !req
367. Yes!Copy !req
368. Yes!Copy !req
369. Gently, gently - seriously!Copy !req
370. We're going in.Copy !req
371. Jeremy, absolutely stop
or you'll have deaths on your hands.Copy !req
372. I've been shouted at so much.Copy !req
373. Need a zesty drink.Copy !req
374. 'Eventually, our third and final car
was ready to go ashore.'Copy !req
375. Forward. My Gawd!Copy !req
376. Well, credit where it's due.Copy !req
377. Come on!Copy !req
378. You have to admit that is quite
a finish, with a flourish!Copy !req
379. 'It had been a fraught undertaking,
but the fact was that,Copy !req
380. 'against the odds,Copy !req
381. 'all three of our cars were
on the other side of the river.'Copy !req
382. That's the first time,
I think, in ten years,Copy !req
383. we've ever done anythingCopy !req
384. ambitious and successful.Copy !req
385. I think you're right.
And doesn't it feel good?Copy !req
386. It feels weird, frankly.Copy !req
387. Normally there's one of us
in the water, in the jaws of a lion,Copy !req
388. going, "He's dead!"Copy !req
389. It was genuinely peculiar.Copy !req
390. My God!Copy !req
391. It's gone! It's completely gone!Copy !req
392. It's completely sunk!Copy !req
393. Well doneCopy !req
394. You can see how difficult
OUR job is.Copy !req
395. That's how deep it was!Copy !req
396. That could have happened to us.Copy !req
397. - It could have done...
- But it didn't!Copy !req
398. Onwards.Copy !req
399. 'Leaving the producers to
clear up their mess,Copy !req
400. 'we set off.Copy !req
401. 'And soon discovered that
Tanzania's roads were notCopy !req
402. 'built by the Chinese.'Copy !req
403. Pothole, pothole, pothole,
pothole. BIG one.Copy !req
404. It is like driving through
a minefield.Copy !req
405. If you take your eye
off the road for a second,Copy !req
406. you are into one
and they are massive.Copy !req
407. I don't know how James
will cope with this,Copy !req
408. because you can only
concentrate on one thing at a timeCopy !req
409. and when he's driving that is
normally an obscure poet.Copy !req
410. "Yes, Philip Larkin's done some
very good... no,"Copy !req
411. "I've hit a pothole."Copy !req
412. 'Soon James hit a pothole...'Copy !req
413. No!Copy !req
414. '..So hard,
it took out two of his tyres.'Copy !req
415. Erm... d'you remember...Copy !req
416. it seems like months ago,Copy !req
417. but at the beginning of this voyage,
we looked at these tyres and said,Copy !req
418. "There's no way those tyres will
survive Africa?"Copy !req
419. The signs are not good, are they?Copy !req
420. In that they're not. It's goodbye.Copy !req
421. You just wait here for the backup
car. You know the code.Copy !req
422. No, the backup car'sCopy !req
423. at the bottom of a
crocodile-infested river.Copy !req
424. I don't need the backup car,
I have spare wheels.Copy !req
425. You're not very helpful or useful
to me. I'll see you later.Copy !req
426. See you, James. Bye. Bye!Copy !req
427. 'Once the Annoying Brothers
had left,Copy !req
428. 'I discovered it was rather more
than just tyre damage.'Copy !req
429. Ho-ho-ho!Copy !req
430. 'Both wheels had shattered!Copy !req
431. 'Having raided the support
truck for more,Copy !req
432. 'I set off and caught up
with the othersCopy !req
433. 'in a swarm of lake flies.'Copy !req
434. 'This told us we were getting
close to Lake Victoria.Copy !req
435. 'At 150 miles across,Copy !req
436. it was too wide for us to even think
about building a homemade ferry.Copy !req
437. 'So we decided to use one someone
else had made earlier.'Copy !req
438. Have you ever seen more
flies than thatCopy !req
439. in one place ever?Copy !req
440. I'll give you a million pounds
if you goCopy !req
441. and stand there naked for an hour.Copy !req
442. 'The voyage across Lake Victoria
took more thanCopy !req
443. '16 hours, but there was
good news on the other side.Copy !req
444. 'The ferry would drop us
close to the River Grumeti,Copy !req
445. 'the river that WE believed
would take usCopy !req
446. 'to the source of the Nile.'Copy !req
447. We're going to find
the mouth of the river,Copy !req
448. track that back to its source,Copy !req
449. and we've done it.Copy !req
450. 30 seconds...Copy !req
451. 'Keen to demonstrate
the advantage of four-wheel driveCopy !req
452. 'to the bewildered crowd,Copy !req
453. 'Hammond insisted on going first.'Copy !req
454. Right, here we go.Copy !req
455. I am ashore!Copy !req
456. 'You're letting
yourself down, the BBC, 'Copy !req
457. and the whole country with your
incompetence, Hammond.Copy !req
458. Come on!Copy !req
459. Sorry about that, Skipper!Copy !req
460. Leave him. We can leave him.Copy !req
461. 'And so...Copy !req
462. 'we did.'Copy !req
463. Bye, Hammond! Bye!Copy !req
464. Hello.Copy !req
465. Hello.Copy !req
466. 'As we disembarked a few miles away
on a proper landing jetty,Copy !req
467. 'Hammond was being
rescued by the locals.'Copy !req
468. We're coming out!Copy !req
469. Everybody needs money nowCopy !req
470. and I don't have any money.Copy !req
471. Erm...Copy !req
472. I've got biscuits.Copy !req
473. More biscuits, more sweets.Copy !req
474. One second.Copy !req
475. OK, this is becoming alarming.Copy !req
476. Erm...Copy !req
477. I've got crisps.Copy !req
478. 'With my lunch all gone,
I rejoined my colleagues.'Copy !req
479. With hindsight, offering up
biscuits was a mistake.Copy !req
480. Yes,
when you have 40 mouths to feed,Copy !req
481. unless you're Jesus,
starting with two biscuitsCopy !req
482. isn't brilliant.Copy !req
483. Well, that arrival
was very happy and gloriousCopy !req
484. and we're excellent
ambassadors for BritainCopy !req
485. and her long tradition
of exploration.Copy !req
486. In other news,Copy !req
487. I've fitted a fan.Copy !req
488. 'We then broke out the map and went
off to find the mouth of our river.Copy !req
489. 'The beautiful and majestic
Grumeti.'Copy !req
490. In my mind, it was prettier. Yes.Copy !req
491. This is quiet, though.
It's not quiet.Copy !req
492. I admit, it's not picturesque
and it's not peaceful,Copy !req
493. but if we find the source of this...Copy !req
494. We've done it.Copy !req
495. ..You can't argue,
we're in the history books.Copy !req
496. It flows through Lake Victoria,
into the Nile,Copy !req
497. along the Nile,Copy !req
498. through the Med
and into the Atlantic.Copy !req
499. And as far as I can work out,Copy !req
500. it's there.Copy !req
501. That's about 70 miles.Copy !req
502. We only have 70 miles to do.
The good news is, look, some of it,Copy !req
503. you can follow the river
on that road.Copy !req
504. But that bit, the last bit,Copy !req
505. it's off-road. Yeah.Copy !req
506. Look, there's no tracks or anything.Copy !req
507. Well... So, that's it.
It can only get prettier.Copy !req
508. 'And it did, because soon
we were in the Serengeti.Copy !req
509. 'A vast plain teaming with animals,
all of which, as usual,Copy !req
510. 'were way beyond the reach
of our camera teams.'Copy !req
511. Wildebeest! Wildebeest!Copy !req
512. A zebra.Copy !req
513. I've seen more already here
on the SerengetiCopy !req
514. than I saw in
Sir Richard Hammondborough's.Copy !req
515. Planet Earth Live programme.Copy !req
516. 'Why didn't you show us
all of these animals, Hammond,Copy !req
517. 'on your Planet Earth Live
programme?Copy !req
518. 'There's millions of them
we could have looked at!'Copy !req
519. Shut up!Copy !req
520. 'Soon, we stopped to check on the
course of our "beautiful" river.Copy !req
521. 'And here we saw the most
amazing wildlife yet.'Copy !req
522. They are the funniest creatures
on earth, aren't they?Copy !req
523. Why are they so funny?Copy !req
524. This one's been to
the Daktari shop in Florida,Copy !req
525. hasn't he, for his outfit?Copy !req
526. Every single piece of kit,
he's got the lot.Copy !req
527. I don't know why,
but American tourists -Copy !req
528. and I know we're watched in America,
I'm not saying you're all like this,Copy !req
529. but when you travel,
you're hysterical.Copy !req
530. 'Sadly, the Americans departed,
leaving us with nothing to look atCopy !req
531. 'except some hippos.Copy !req
532. 'So we got back on the road
for the last few milesCopy !req
533. 'of our epic journey.'Copy !req
534. I'm going to put my hand
on my heart and say thisCopy !req
535. is the best Top Gear adventure
we've ever had.Copy !req
536. It's a noble quest in a trulyCopy !req
537. stunningly beautiful country
full of utterly hospitable people.Copy !req
538. 'And then, of course,
there were our cars.Copy !req
539. 'A trio of 1,500-quid high-milers.Copy !req
540. 'All had been presumably soldCopy !req
541. 'because their owners thought
they were on their last legs,Copy !req
542. 'but they'd come here and
taken on the worstCopy !req
543. 'that Africa could throw at them,
and they'd survived.Copy !req
544. 'But which had been the most
impressive?Copy !req
545. 'Well, at the next river check,
we had a chat about that.'Copy !req
546. Normally we pick one car
that's best.Copy !req
547. Mm. I think on this occasion,Copy !req
548. I can't be convinced mine
isn't the best,Copy !req
549. But I'm sure you're in the same...Copy !req
550. I wouldn't allow anybody to
convince me mine isn't the best.Copy !req
551. So, in other words,Copy !req
552. let's, on this occasion,
just agree to disagreeCopy !req
553. and say they're all the best. Yes.Copy !req
554. Like one of those primary school
sports days.Copy !req
555. Yes. Everybody gets a prize.Copy !req
556. You've all won.
There are no losers at St Barnabas'.Copy !req
557. Let's go with that,
they are all the best.Copy !req
558. That's fair.
They've all done well together.Copy !req
559. Let us now find the source of
this disgusting, scummy river. OK.Copy !req
560. Rubbish!Copy !req
561. If this WERE a school sports day,
here's how it's worked out.Copy !req
562. Everyone's got all excited
because the BMW, the fat kid,Copy !req
563. and the Volvo, the geeky,
specky, nerdy kid,Copy !req
564. have finished the cross-country
course.Copy !req
565. "Well done,
we're so amazed you did it!"Copy !req
566. But let's not forget
the fact that the genuinelyCopy !req
567. sporty kid, the Subaru,
who's actually good at this stuff,Copy !req
568. also finished and finished well.Copy !req
569. Because it's the best. Fact.Copy !req
570. Ten minutes after this
show's finished,Copy !req
571. you won't be able to describe
what Jeremy was driving,Copy !req
572. but you'll be able to describe
this...Copy !req
573. because it's got personality,
character,Copy !req
574. something about it.Copy !req
575. I'm going to miss it.Copy !req
576. Now we're alone, viewers,
I can tell you that the VolvoCopy !req
577. is the best car here.
Because, let's not forget,Copy !req
578. this is a family estate.Copy !req
579. It's a family estate pretending
to be a BTCC racing car.Copy !req
580. So it's compromised, as well.Copy !req
581. It shouldn't be here,
it shouldn't have got this far,Copy !req
582. but it is and it has,Copy !req
583. and that's why I love it!Copy !req
584. It has the biggest heart.Copy !req
585. How can May possibly sayCopy !req
586. that his Volvo's better than this?Copy !req
587. It's been like a seal
on the entire journey,Copy !req
588. endlessly dragging its stomach
along the floor.Copy !req
589. And it broke his back.Copy !req
590. He'd have been better off
doing this journeyCopy !req
591. on a space hopper.Copy !req
592. Then we have Hammond's "Tubaru,"Copy !req
593. which is as needlessly complicatedCopy !req
594. as those idiotic trousers
he insists on wearingCopy !req
595. with all their special pockets
and clips for mossie sprayCopy !req
596. and a hunting knife
with a special compass.Copy !req
597. What's the point?Copy !req
598. I've done the entire journey
in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.Copy !req
599. And that's what the 5 Series is,Copy !req
600. it's the familiarity of home...Copy !req
601. here.Copy !req
602. You're a car, you're a sitting-room,
you're a bedroom, you're a fridge,Copy !req
603. you're a power station that charges
up my phone every night,Copy !req
604. but most of all what you are,
what you've become -Copy !req
605. is a mate.Copy !req
606. And that is what makes
a car special.Copy !req
607. That's what makes a car great.Copy !req
608. You start to think of it
as a person.Copy !req
609. You start to love it.Copy !req
610. 'What our cars deserved now was
a relaxing cruise to the finish.Copy !req
611. 'But that wasn't going to happen.'Copy !req
612. Aaaagh! Aaaagh! No!Copy !req
613. Whoa! Geez!Copy !req
614. 'The road was a rutted nightmare,Copy !req
615. 'and it was peppered
with sharp stones.Copy !req
616. 'It was a car killer.'Copy !req
617. This is absolute
puncture alley, this.Copy !req
618. Bloody Nora!Copy !req
619. What the BLEEP was that?Copy !req
620. Now, Jez has stopped at the side of
the road, hang on, something is up.Copy !req
621. Jezza's been hit, I think,
probably by a stone into his window.Copy !req
622. Stone in through your window?Copy !req
623. Something has just blown up
in there.Copy !req
624. What the BLEEP was it?Copy !req
625. That... Is it an airbag?
The airbag has gone off.Copy !req
626. Look, the smoke's still pouring
out of it. Is that the airbag?Copy !req
627. Yes, the airbag just went off.
There was a massive flash...Copy !req
628. That is really weird! My ear.Copy !req
629. I was saying this road
is so rough it's goingCopy !req
630. to set the airbags off,
I said that just a few miles back.Copy !req
631. Well, I have never seen that.
No, me neither.Copy !req
632. Phwoar!Copy !req
633. Now I'm worried about this one.Copy !req
634. 'By now we'd had enough
and wanted to stop for the night,Copy !req
635. 'but this was dusk on the Serengeti.Copy !req
636. 'Feeding time for the wildlife.Copy !req
637. 'So we had to reach a safe camp
that was 30 miles away -Copy !req
638. '30 miles that
turned into a massacre.'Copy !req
639. Dear. Shot to bits.Copy !req
640. Have you got any more fronts?
Yes, I've got one more.Copy !req
641. That was new three minutes ago.Copy !req
642. Three minutes later I've
got a flat on the front.Copy !req
643. We've lost another one.Copy !req
644. This road is beyond belief
for killing cars.Copy !req
645. 'It was inevitable, really,
that eventually one of usCopy !req
646. 'would suffer some damage
that was slightly more seriousCopy !req
647. 'than a puncture.'Copy !req
648. My God. You are in big trouble.Copy !req
649. That one is straight, and
if you come around the other side,Copy !req
650. that's on full-left.Copy !req
651. You've broken a track rod
steering... My God.Copy !req
652. You can see the wishbone... there.Copy !req
653. If you look in there you'll see
the end of it, where it's... gone.Copy !req
654. Is it sheared? Yes. It is
completely sheared off.Copy !req
655. That might have killed my car.Copy !req
656. What's up? He's got a puncture.
He's also got a sheared wishbone.Copy !req
657. You're kidding. I'm not.Copy !req
658. That's a game over, isn't it?Copy !req
659. 'The next morning, in our safe camp,Copy !req
660. 'we counted up the toll
from Death Road.'Copy !req
661. I had three punctures,
one of which I have still got.Copy !req
662. Two airbags went off,Copy !req
663. both of which deafened me
and gave me heart attacks.Copy !req
664. What else - all four shock
absorbers are completely ruined.Copy !req
665. Yours any better?Copy !req
666. Well, I had two punctures,
the fuel line came off,Copy !req
667. the front bumper collapsed,Copy !req
668. I am not even bothering
to look at my shocks,Copy !req
669. because I know they were
absolutely shot, shot absorbers,Copy !req
670. but on the plus side, all
the bits that attach the wheelsCopy !req
671. to the car are intact.Copy !req
672. Speaking of which...Copy !req
673. actually, where is he?Copy !req
674. These are the remnants of the point
at which the track control arm went,Copy !req
675. and you can see it was just
rotten from the inside out.Copy !req
676. It was going to go at some point,
and when it did collapse,Copy !req
677. it took the anti-roll bar
out on the way past.Copy !req
678. So, the only option is,
and it is quite a long shot -Copy !req
679. this is all useless -Copy !req
680. is to use the remainder of the
track control arm that's underCopy !req
681. there attached to the hub,Copy !req
682. and use this to fabricate and weld
on replacement bits for that.Copy !req
683. 'At times like this,
the procedure is clear.Copy !req
684. 'We do leave a man behind.Copy !req
685. 'But, because we'd come
so far together, and becauseCopy !req
686. 'we hadn't had breakfast yet, James
and I decided to bend the rules.'Copy !req
687. We'll give him till 11 o'clock.Copy !req
688. Fair enough.Copy !req
689. That's an hour and ten minutes.
Fair enough.Copy !req
690. What time did we get in last night,
about two?Copy !req
691. Something like that,
it went on for ever.Copy !req
692. Look at what I just slept in,
look at it!Copy !req
693. I mean look at the... Thank youCopy !req
694. 'At exactly three minutes past 11,Copy !req
695. 'James and I were parked on the main
road by the camp, waiting to seeCopy !req
696. 'whether we would finish
this journey as a twosome,Copy !req
697. 'or a threesome.'Copy !req
698. Hammond is making a bit of a habit
of this on these adventures, now.Copy !req
699. Bolivia, his leg fell off. Oliver.Copy !req
700. Oliver? Didn't it make it?
Can't remember.Copy !req
701. It did, but we had to wait for
it... Yes, for days and days.Copy !req
702. .. while he put it back together.Copy !req
703. Hang on!Copy !req
704. Do you hear that? I can, just.Copy !req
705. Is that soundtrack of
an approaching moron,Copy !req
706. or is it our support truck?Copy !req
707. With his silly little face
at the wheel.Copy !req
708. What is coming over the hill?Copy !req
709. Please let it be a lorry,
please let it be a lorry.Copy !req
710. We can't be... No. Pretend to be
pleased, pretend to be pleased!Copy !req
711. Pleased face!Copy !req
712. Great, we're all back together
as a team,Copy !req
713. right, good, here we go.Copy !req
714. Well done, mate. Yes, well done!
Ha-ha-ha! Are you impressed? Yes.Copy !req
715. We're impressed that
you're impressed. That's nice.Copy !req
716. That looks tremendous. Anyway,
Hammond, while you've been gone,Copy !req
717. James and I have made
a bit of a decision. What?Copy !req
718. The source of our river
is somewhere up there, OK?Copy !req
719. Now, only one of us
can technically get there first -Copy !req
720. they'll be the one
who's remembered, the other twoCopy !req
721. will be forgotten, because nobody
remembers who comes second.Copy !req
722. So, we propose a race. Yes.Copy !req
723. Three, two, one - go!Copy !req
724. And whoever finds the source first -Copy !req
725. into the history books,
buried in Westminster Abbey.Copy !req
726. They dig up Livingstone,
throw him away,Copy !req
727. "You got it wrong..."Copy !req
728. You don't have to be buried
immediately?Copy !req
729. No, no, when you die.Copy !req
730. So, are we ready? The producers are
on the other side of that river.Copy !req
731. You can shout "Go!"
I'll do it on my tannoy system.Copy !req
732. Are we ready, gentlemen? I am ready.Copy !req
733. This is for everything.Copy !req
734. The greatest race in the history
of mankind is about to begin.Copy !req
735. Three, two, one - GO!Copy !req
736. Power, etc.Copy !req
737. Where is Jeremy? What was he doing?Copy !req
738. Have they learned nothing from
last night? Because I did!Copy !req
739. Speed causes punctures.Copy !req
740. 17 miles an hour,
that's what you need.Copy !req
741. I don't want a puncture,
I want to win this,Copy !req
742. because this is a race for glory.Copy !req
743. The winner will go
in the history books,Copy !req
744. the losers will be quietly
forgotten,Copy !req
745. and they will end up opening
a shoe shop, probably, in Durham.Copy !req
746. 'Top Gear's ARU had found an area
of hilly terrain 12 miles toCopy !req
747. 'the east, where we believed we
would find the source of the Nile.Copy !req
748. 'Getting there first mattered.'Copy !req
749. Richard Hammond hot on my tail,
in the quest for the sourceCopy !req
750. of the Nile,
with his repaired suspension.Copy !req
751. This is as fast as I dare go.Copy !req
752. Ooooh!Copy !req
753. The car has just undergone major
surgery, I have just closedCopy !req
754. the patient's chest, and
I'm forcing him to play rugby.Copy !req
755. If Richard Hammond beats me
in this race,Copy !req
756. he will be knighted by the Queen.Copy !req
757. She will say, "Arise, Sir Richard."Copy !req
758. You already have.Copy !req
759. Where the hell is Jeremy?Copy !req
760. This James May-Christian motoring
isn't working,Copy !req
761. they're not getting punctures.
I'm going to revert to type.Copy !req
762. I am a one-man dust machine.Copy !req
763. Hammond is going for it,
he's making a move!Copy !req
764. Ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
765. 'For the next few miles,
we jostled for the lead.'Copy !req
766. Urgh, it's neck and neck.Copy !req
767. No!Copy !req
768. I'm going left,
I'm going to do it. Ooooh!Copy !req
769. Ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
770. Ooh!Copy !req
771. This!Copy !req
772. There they are, I'm catching.Copy !req
773. A warning light has come on
to say my car needs a service.Copy !req
774. Oooh! Oooh! This is just...Copy !req
775. killing my car.Copy !req
776. 'We were now in the area
where the source should be,Copy !req
777. 'so we needed to go
off-road to find it.'Copy !req
778. We're going to have to go
right somewhere.Copy !req
779. Hold on, hold on, what's this?Copy !req
780. There!Copy !req
781. Come on!Copy !req
782. Bugger Clarkson!Copy !req
783. Yeaaah! What do you think
of that? Ha-ha!Copy !req
784. Westminster Abbey is mine.Copy !req
785. 'As the plain opened out,
we realised that in normal racing,Copy !req
786. 'people tend to know where
the finish line is.'Copy !req
787. Which way, which way?Copy !req
788. 'But we had to rely on
intelligence and cunning.'Copy !req
789. Right, trees, trees all
growing along a little valley,Copy !req
790. that can only mean river.Copy !req
791. That is a valley,
I'm not heading down into there,Copy !req
792. the source of the Nile isn't going
to be in a valley.Copy !req
793. Ha! Uphill, you see.
Uphill is good.Copy !req
794. I've totally lost my bearings here,
totally lost.Copy !req
795. Hang on a minute!Copy !req
796. This looks...Copy !req
797. This looks like a stream.Copy !req
798. It's going downhill that way.Copy !req
799. So I follow it up...Copy !req
800. and the source is in those rocks.Copy !req
801. It has to be. Yeah!Copy !req
802. Rocks. Many rocks.Copy !req
803. That is the sort of magical placeCopy !req
804. I anticipate finding
the source of the Nile.Copy !req
805. There's a bit there moving, so
it's that way. Right, here we go.Copy !req
806. It's got to be this way,Copy !req
807. and Clarkson clearly has
the same idea.Copy !req
808. 'And so did Hammond.'Copy !req
809. Can you imagine children
of the future learning in historyCopy !req
810. lessons about Sir Richard Hammond?Copy !req
811. Nobody wants to think of that.Copy !req
812. 'Because only one of us
could achieveCopy !req
813. 'immortality in the history books,
things soon got a bit ugly.'Copy !req
814. Hammond's attacking him!Copy !req
815. Get off!Copy !req
816. Ha-ha-ha! I'm through.Copy !req
817. Hammond is properly in my way now,
he really is annoying me.Copy !req
818. I know how I can get Hammond
out of the way...Copy !req
819. God! Not that!Copy !req
820. I'm Genesis-ing him!Copy !req
821. Aaaagh!Copy !req
822. 'Sadly, though, Genesis didn't work.Copy !req
823. 'So I rammed him.'Copy !req
824. What?Copy !req
825. I'm in the lead again!Copy !req
826. Whoa! Whoa!Copy !req
827. This Volvo is so far
out of its comfort zone.Copy !req
828. I'm going to go down in history!Copy !req
829. Everything tells me this is...Copy !req
830. it's the highest ground for miles
around - it's got to be in there,Copy !req
831. it's got to be in there.Copy !req
832. Aaaaagh!Copy !req
833. But there can be no more than
a few hundred meters now,Copy !req
834. we can afford to take a few knocks.Copy !req
835. Whoa!Copy !req
836. James, your suspension has collapsed.Copy !req
837. Your back wheel is coming off,
I'm not joking. Ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
838. My car has collapsed.
I'm going on foot.Copy !req
839. 'As now were Richard and I.'Copy !req
840. End of the road for you, old friend.
I'll tell you what it's like.Copy !req
841. I'm off.Copy !req
842. It's geology, Jeremy, geology.Copy !req
843. What have we got here? We've got
bedrock, the ground is sunk down,Copy !req
844. indicating the presence
of a spring, in my mind.Copy !req
845. Lizards.Copy !req
846. Look at it. A stream has done this.Copy !req
847. But where is the source?Copy !req
848. This has been wet. Wait...Copy !req
849. This is soggy. This is soggy.Copy !req
850. This could be a stream. It is
a stream I'm walking up, it is.Copy !req
851. Hammond is not having this!Copy !req
852. It goes downhill, that doesn't
mean it starts at the top.Copy !req
853. Wait!Copy !req
854. Wait!Copy !req
855. Is it?Copy !req
856. No.Copy !req
857. Here?Copy !req
858. That... Yes.Copy !req
859. Yes!Copy !req
860. Sorry, mate! That was close.Copy !req
861. Hammond!Copy !req
862. Well done. That is
the source of the River Nile.Copy !req
863. I'm going to put my finger
in it, excuse me.Copy !req
864. That is the root of civilization,Copy !req
865. that nourished the ancient
Egyptians. What, your finger?Copy !req
866. No, not my finger, the water.Copy !req
867. That's going to nourish the Sudan,
Egypt, Greece, Italy, Spain.Copy !req
868. Morocco, Algeria. That water is
the lifeblood of all of it.Copy !req
869. So, that is the undisputed source
of the River Nile,Copy !req
870. that is the man who found it,Copy !req
871. and somewhere way down thereCopy !req
872. is the ruined Volvo
that brought him here.Copy !req
873. We now have to claim this
little pond for Top Gear,Copy !req
874. so, just bear with me, while I...Copy !req
875. Is the Top Gear flag slightly
bigger than the Union Flag?Copy !req
876. Yes, that's right.Copy !req
877. Have we got this the right way up
this time, so we don't get...Copy !req
878. So, here's what I'm suggesting,
chaps - we plant the flags,Copy !req
879. and then we do what all great
Victorian explorers did,Copy !req
880. pose for a photograph
by our discovery.Copy !req
881. Wait for the birdie!Copy !req
882. Three, two, one!Copy !req