1. It's goat bone? I don't want that.Copy !req
2. And it's got a cockerel on it.Copy !req
3. Yeah, I'll have one of them
and the kettle.Copy !req
4. Oh, God! What?Copy !req
5. My bed's gone out of alignment.Copy !req
6. 'Our adventure began
in Uganda where,Copy !req
7. 'armed with three
£1,500 estate cars,Copy !req
8. 'we were given
a spectacular challenge.'Copy !req
9. You will find
the source of the River Nile.Copy !req
10. 'To make life easier, we converted
our cars into mobile homes.'Copy !req
11. Whoa!Copy !req
12. What's that? Living quarters
combined with a workshop.Copy !req
13. Nobody in the history of AfricaCopy !req
14. has ever been
more comfortable than this.Copy !req
15. 'Having failed to find the source
of the Nile in western Uganda...'Copy !req
16. Southeast? Yeah. It's no good.Copy !req
17. '.. we decided the actual source
was in northern Tanzania.'Copy !req
18. That means going through Rwanda,
Tanzania to there. Such a long way!Copy !req
19. It is a long way. Right.Copy !req
20. 'And so, a 600-mile journey began,
a journey that has alreadyCopy !req
21. 'taken us through the toughest
terrain imaginable.'Copy !req
22. Argh! Aaarrrrghhh!Copy !req
23. Whoa!Copy !req
24. Come on! Come on!Copy !req
25. AAAAARRRRRGHHHH!Copy !req
26. 'And, on top of all this, it turned
out I was traveling with a thief.'Copy !req
27. How long's that been there?
Good grief!Copy !req
28. Is that my door?Copy !req
29. Well, you're not using that bit.
You didn't even notice.Copy !req
30. That's it! That's it!Copy !req
31. Top Gear S19E07 Africa Special part 2
Corrections and sync Wally73Copy !req
32. 'As dawn broke, the peace
and serenity of this beautiful.Copy !req
33. 'Ugandan morning was shattered
by the bellow of a wild animal.'Copy !req
34. CLARKSON!Copy !req
35. Last night, while Hammond
and May were round the campfireCopy !req
36. discussing Uganda, I made an
interesting modification to my car.Copy !req
37. Yesterday, I discovered hill starts
were very difficult.Copy !req
38. I can't ride the clutch because of
the throttle problem and I can't useCopy !req
39. the handbrake because it's broken,Copy !req
40. so what I've done is fitted
this log at the back.Copy !req
41. You tow it along normally, but then
when you want to start on a hill,Copy !req
42. you let the car roll back onto it,Copy !req
43. use it as a wedge
and set off easily.Copy !req
44. It's simple, it's elegant,
it's brilliant.Copy !req
45. 'As we set off on our long drive,
the mood was a little fractious.'Copy !req
46. If I know James May at all,
and I'm sorry to have to say I do,Copy !req
47. he won't be so cross about the theft
of part of his bonnet asCopy !req
48. he will be about the shoddiness
of the execution of the theft.Copy !req
49. It's not a neat job.
That will rankle.Copy !req
50. Look at it!Copy !req
51. I mean, that looks like
it was doneCopy !req
52. with a knife and fork
by the council.Copy !req
53. It's not square, it's not neat,
he's wasted material,Copy !req
54. he's left sharp edges,
it's all bent.Copy !req
55. I cannot conceive of the mind
of a man who would look at thatCopy !req
56. and think that was
the right way to do it.Copy !req
57. 'I don't mind you taking a bit
of my bonnet, that's fair.Copy !req
58. 'I do mind you doing such
an appalling bloody job of it,Copy !req
59. 'you ham-fisted oaf!'Copy !req
60. Honestly, I could do a better
job than thatCopy !req
61. with the end of a bulldozer!Copy !req
62. Well, I... I couldn't find any tools.Copy !req
63. 'The back of the car is full
of bloody tools!Copy !req
64. 'The biggest tool in this
operation was you!'Copy !req
65. A pair of tin snips looks
like a pair of robust scissorsCopy !req
66. and their function is obvious.
They are obviously not a hammer!Copy !req
67. This could go on.
'Obviously not a screwdriver!Copy !req
68. 'They are obviously not a spanner!
They are obviously designed...'Copy !req
69. There we go, that's got rid of him.Copy !req
70. 'Soon we came to an uphill stretch,Copy !req
71. 'so I decided to test
my new handbrake.'Copy !req
72. Simply pop it off the back,
roll it out.Copy !req
73. Watch this.Copy !req
74. Roll back.Copy !req
75. The wooden handbrake is holding me,
I simply set off.Copy !req
76. Here we go.Copy !req
77. Oh, yes! So there we are,Copy !req
78. hill starting solved!
Sometimes my genius is...Copy !req
79. It's almost frightening!Copy !req
80. Well, fair dos, that works.Copy !req
81. You do have to tow a log about,
but it works. I am a happy man today.Copy !req
82. Chaps? Yes? Are we likely to see a
gorilla? I hope we do see a gorilla.Copy !req
83. I'd show them my bonnet and say,Copy !req
84. "Could you do a better job
than that?"Copy !req
85. But look on the bright side, James,
it's going to be a scorcher today.Copy !req
86. SMASH!Copy !req
87. Oh, my God!Copy !req
88. Oh! Did that..? Oh, dear!Copy !req
89. The handbrake bounced up and has
broken my hotel viewing platform.Copy !req
90. You've got glass in your duvet!Copy !req
91. Stupidest idea in history!Copy !req
92. Jeremy,
people walk around here barefoot.Copy !req
93. You've got to sweep all this stuff.
We have.Copy !req
94. But look - God gave us a tool
for just such a moment as this.Copy !req
95. Would you not agree this is
the ideal tool, James, for this job?Copy !req
96. Yes, hammers do have their uses.
I can think of one right now.Copy !req
97. 'After cleaning up my mess,Copy !req
98. 'we carried on through yet more
breathtaking countryside.'Copy !req
99. Look at the state of that view.
Wait a minute.Copy !req
100. Does the world get any
prettier than this?Copy !req
101. 'In fact the only blot
on the landscape was our hideous.Copy !req
102. 'Ford Scorpio back-up car.'Copy !req
103. I've just realised I forgot to eat
anything this morning. I'm starving.Copy !req
104. Well, Hammond made me a lovely plate
of beans. Beans? What sort of beans?Copy !req
105. Do you know, they were baked?Copy !req
106. 'Soon, the dirt track gave way to
some perfect Chinese-built roads,Copy !req
107. 'a blessed relief
for our battered cars.Copy !req
108. 'And after a simple 50-mile cruise,Copy !req
109. 'we reached the border.'Copy !req
110. Goodbye, Uganda, and thank you. That
was an education. And now, Rwanda.Copy !req
111. I don't know anything about Rwanda.Copy !req
112. 'As it turned out,
James knew even less.'Copy !req
113. James? What? Apparently they drive on
the other side of the road in Rwanda.Copy !req
114. Do they really(?) James, really,
we're not fooling you! Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
115. BEEP!Copy !req
116. 'Mercifully, there was more Chinese
tarmac, so we were able to surgeCopy !req
117. 'through a country where,
actually, none of usCopy !req
118. 'had really known what to expect.'Copy !req
119. In 1994,
this country witnessedCopy !req
120. the worst genocide
in the history of humankind.Copy !req
121. A million people
died in around about three months.Copy !req
122. A million people in three months!
With machetes and garden tools.Copy !req
123. And that was only 18 years ago,
and now look.Copy !req
124. It's incredible how quickly things,
on the surface at least...Copy !req
125. .. mend themselves.Copy !req
126. Hello!
Hello! Hello, hello!Copy !req
127. It's constant.Copy !req
128. All the roads,
even out here in the sticks,Copy !req
129. are just absolutely
three-deep in people,Copy !req
130. and they all wave when you go by
and you have to wave back.Copy !req
131. Hello! Hello! Hello, hello.
Hello. Hello.Copy !req
132. Hello! Hello.Copy !req
133. 'After many more miles of waving,
smooth tarmacCopy !req
134. 'and stunning scenery...Copy !req
135. '.. we arrived on the other side of
Rwanda at its border with Tanzania.'Copy !req
136. That was a long drive,
but we've done it - all of Rwanda.Copy !req
137. Now for an interminably long wait.Copy !req
138. 'The paperwork did indeed
take an age,Copy !req
139. 'but, happily, Jeremy
and I found a way to pass the time.'Copy !req
140. Funny(!) Ha-ha-ha(!)Copy !req
141. 'And then, finally,
we crossed over into Tanzania.'Copy !req
142. Shall we make camp here, gentlemen?Copy !req
143. It's been a long drive with a long
border crossing of 900 hours.Copy !req
144. 'Despite the calm
stillness of the evening,Copy !req
145. 'James plainly still had a bee
in his bonnet about his bonnet.'Copy !req
146. This evening
I am going to need... these.Copy !req
147. And I'm going to need theseCopy !req
148. and this.Copy !req
149. And I'm going to need
these tin snips,Copy !req
150. which are like scissors but much
stronger. I'm going to need those.Copy !req
151. I'm going to need all these
things for this evening.Copy !req
152. Right, I'm up to 18 million
pieces of glass.Copy !req
153. Look in another fold, there you go -
18 million and two, three...Copy !req
154. Why do they call this stuff
safety glass? I mean, it isn't!Copy !req
155. Why can't it just
break into four pieces?Copy !req
156. Why does it have to
break into 19 million pieces?Copy !req
157. And it goes everywhere!Copy !req
158. You could be in bed
and it's outside your houseCopy !req
159. and it goes in your pyjamas!Copy !req
160. 18 million and ten.Copy !req
161. No.Copy !req
162. No.Copy !req
163. No.Copy !req
164. Yes.Copy !req
165. No.Copy !req
166. Good morning, viewers.Copy !req
167. I'm afraid things may have got
a little out of hand in campCopy !req
168. last night, but it's good news!Copy !req
169. I found another piece of scrap metal
and I managed to mend my bonnet!Copy !req
170. I'll admit, I was FURIOUS when James
stole my bonnet scoop, but thenCopy !req
171. on Jeremy's car, I found something
that does the job just as well.Copy !req
172. I'm calling it the poop scoop.Copy !req
173. I was a bit cross about losing
my lavatory, but then, staggeringly,Copy !req
174. in the middle of a remote field
in Tanzania, I foundCopy !req
175. a rear window that fitted
into the back of my car!Copy !req
176. I mean,
it looks like it's meant to be here!Copy !req
177. It's uncanny!Copy !req
178. 'Unfortunately, the modifications to
Hammond's now half-timbered SubaruCopy !req
179. 'seem to have
impaired his visibility.'Copy !req
180. CRASH!
Oh!Copy !req
181. Oh, no!Copy !req
182. Bad!Copy !req
183. Anyway, we've woken up,
slightly thick heads.Copy !req
184. We're all mates again,Copy !req
185. which is just as well, because
we've got an extremely long day...Copy !req
186. Oh.Copy !req
187. That is a river. Yes, it is. Well,
there must be a bridge somewhere.Copy !req
188. Why MUST there be a bridge? Well,
there must be! Well, there isn't!Copy !req
189. Look! Well, there isn't one THERE,
but there'll be a bridge.Copy !req
190. I know what.
It's time to deploy the ARU. What?Copy !req
191. The ARU -
Aerial Reconnaissance Unit.Copy !req
192. I knew this sort of thing would
happen. Where did that come from?Copy !req
193. I've been working on it for
the last couple of weeks at homeCopy !req
194. for just such an eventuality.
Have you? Have you really?Copy !req
195. Did you build it? Yeah. Really? Well,
you've got a helicopter license.Copy !req
196. You fly it. Right.Copy !req
197. I operate the camera underneathCopy !req
198. that swivels about and you tell us
what it's seeing, James.Copy !req
199. Right, are we ready?
Yes, I've got a picture.Copy !req
200. Hammond? Yes... Begin!Copy !req
201. Yes! There she goes!
There you go. That's good.Copy !req
202. Right, that height is good.
Now head that way, down the river.Copy !req
203. Point it down. You're not pointing
it at the river. Point it down.Copy !req
204. Well, you'll need to point it down.Copy !req
205. No, you fly level,
you point the camera down. Yeah.Copy !req
206. Got it. River turns left...
That's good.Copy !req
207. There's no bridge, though.
Keep going.Copy !req
208. Pivot right a bit.Copy !req
209. Swivel left, camera.Copy !req
210. Oh, hang on a minute. What?Copy !req
211. There's like a big weir thing.
It's not a weir, James!Copy !req
212. That's the biggest waterfall
I've ever seen!Copy !req
213. Right, that's relevant(!)
Right, good. No bridge.Copy !req
214. 'And it was the same story
when we looked upstream.'Copy !req
215. Bring it back, Hammond.Copy !req
216. 'With the ARU back at base...Copy !req
217. '.. we had to work out how
we could cross this riverCopy !req
218. 'that was full of killer waterfalls,
bilharzia and many teeth.'Copy !req
219. Why don't we build... a car ferry?
What, with like a bar and everything?Copy !req
220. No, no!
Like that thing we saw in Albania!Copy !req
221. Like a raft? Why don't WE build one?Copy !req
222. Look, I used to build them when I
was a kid! I fell in a lot, but...Copy !req
223. Wood... What else do you need?
Rope. Oil drums.Copy !req
224. You need to lash the rope together.
Maybe some nails and a hammer.Copy !req
225. Probably a hammer, yeah.
Oil drums, oil drums underneath.Copy !req
226. This sounds like the worst
management course ever!Copy !req
227. You know those Outward Bound courses
where you've got a chicken and...Copy !req
228. OK, then. Thanks to Hammond,
it's back to the studio.Copy !req
229. All we need is a platformCopy !req
230. big enough to take a car that
will take its weight and floats.Copy !req
231. Then we pull it across on ropes
like the Albanian one.Copy !req
232. We drove through a village,
did we not,Copy !req
233. about... just behind those
banana trees?Copy !req
234. Yes, but do you think
they sell rafts for cars?Copy !req
235. They might sell car ferries. No,
but they've always got...Copy !req
236. Don't want a banana, don't want
a headscarf, I'd like a car ferry.Copy !req
237. "Oh, we've got one in the back, sir."
Look, I'm going to divide this up.Copy !req
238. I'm going to find some rope. You go
and find some oil drums. You go...Copy !req
239. I'll get some wood. And some wood.Copy !req
240. Right, off you go. Have you got
the hammer and stake? Yeah.Copy !req
241. Oh!Copy !req
242. Your rope's come off!Copy !req
243. You're getting nearer, James!
I'm not!Copy !req
244. Oh.Copy !req
245. Would you say you were nearer,
James? No.Copy !req
246. 'With HMS Wobbly in the water,Copy !req
247. 'Hammond and May decided that
my car should go first.'Copy !req
248. Good. A tiny, tiny bit left.
Straight, that's good.Copy !req
249. Hold on.Copy !req
250. You need to go... Oh, BLEEP.
It's close. Tiny bit right.Copy !req
251. OK, your back wheels are on.
I am now boarding our ferry.Copy !req
252. That's good. 'As I inched forwards,
a hungry audience gathered.'Copy !req
253. You'll feel when you're on
cos you'll hit the chock.Copy !req
254. Two and a half feet. Feet? Yeah.Copy !req
255. Good, a bit more. You're just
about to... There you go, you're on!Copy !req
256. Put it in gear and turn off.Copy !req
257. These have got to come with us
for the other side.Copy !req
258. 'With the ramps on board,
we set off.'Copy !req
259. Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
260. What did you just do? Cast off.Copy !req
261. Are we now underway? Yes.
Pull on the rope. I am.Copy !req
262. I'm Geoff Capes!Copy !req
263. I am pulling a BMW 528i Touring
across a crocodile-infested river!Copy !req
264. And the impressive thing is, you're
not making a fuss about it either.Copy !req
265. No, I'm not showing off, but I am...Copy !req
266. James, wait! James, James, James!Copy !req
267. What? It doesn't make any
difference.Copy !req
268. Stay at the back!
James, please stay at the back!Copy !req
269. Stop being such an old woman -
it doesn't make any difference!Copy !req
270. Oh, really? So that barrel's just
come back above the water again...Copy !req
271. But it's not going to go
all the way down, is it?Copy !req
272. Right... So if I get on the bank
and James throws me a yellow rope...Copy !req
273. Good idea.
Can you get on the bank from there?Copy !req
274. These logs get really slippery! Yes.
Right, you're on the bank...Copy !req
275. Good catch(!)Copy !req
276. The throw wasn't brilliant.
I'll go to the back. Whey!Copy !req
277. Well...Copy !req
278. People are now turning over to watch
Red Or Black? Or something.Copy !req
279. I'm sorry we made it.Copy !req
280. Nobody was expecting that.Copy !req
281. Got it?Copy !req
282. 'Mind you, there was still the small
matter of disembarking.'Copy !req
283. Uh...Copy !req
284. .. not convinced.Copy !req
285. Yes!Copy !req
286. Well, you're NEARLY ashore.Copy !req
287. Aren't I ashore?Copy !req
288. Not entirely ashore, no.Copy !req
289. Yes, I'm ashore.Copy !req
290. Is that wheel ashore? Yes.Copy !req
291. 'We weren't convinced,Copy !req
292. 'so we gave him a helping hand.'Copy !req
293. Here we go!Copy !req
294. Yes!Copy !req
295. Feeling good.Copy !req
296. Oh, yes, oh, yes!Copy !req
297. God, I'm a good driver.Copy !req
298. 'Back on the other bank,Copy !req
299. 'it was Hammond's turn,
and for some reason,Copy !req
300. 'he decided to make life difficult
for himself.'Copy !req
301. Why are you BACKING on?Copy !req
302. Because it is quite difficult getting
off at the other side, yeah? Yeah.Copy !req
303. And your BMW is now there
so it could tow me off.Copy !req
304. The only towing eye is at the back.Copy !req
305. It does mean I'll have to
reverse on.Copy !req
306. Hold on, hold on!
Does that look right from there?Copy !req
307. What...?Copy !req
308. Oh!Copy !req
309. Oh! Stop! Stop!
You're turning the wheel.Copy !req
310. I did NOT turn the wheel.
You turned it minutely.Copy !req
311. I might have leant on it.Copy !req
312. Oh!Copy !req
313. You're miles off the end.
A little more.Copy !req
314. And... stop.Copy !req
315. Oh! I am SO on board!Copy !req
316. James, you can pull this time,
you'll see how easy it is(!)Copy !req
317. I shall be ballast, there.
That's the ticket!Copy !req
318. Not all at the same time.
You can't come on this side.Copy !req
319. I can't go on the other side.Copy !req
320. Look at the angle.
Gentlemen... Climb through the car.Copy !req
321. ..It is impossible to stand thereCopy !req
322. because there are two ramps piled
on top of one another.Copy !req
323. Hammond, get in your sitting room!Copy !req
324. I can't.
Get in your sitting room! No!Copy !req
325. You need to be on the other side.Copy !req
326. Climb over the bloody car.Copy !req
327. You've got heavier... Oh!Copy !req
328. That was tied on! No, I took
the rope off. We needed the rope.Copy !req
329. I took it off.Copy !req
330. I CAN go on the other side...Copy !req
331. as it turns out.Copy !req
332. Perfect. Let's go. Forget the chair.Copy !req
333. Are we there yet(?)Copy !req
334. Somebody's had me chair!Copy !req
335. That man's got your chair!Copy !req
336. Good for him. Enjoy it!Copy !req
337. Ooh, ah!Copy !req
338. 'On the other side, I was determined
to make a better job of disembarkingCopy !req
339. 'than Jeremy had.'Copy !req
340. Power. Hoo!Copy !req
341. Some of you's on board.Copy !req
342. Whoa, we got a problem.Copy !req
343. That's all completely hopeless
and you've sunk the raftCopy !req
344. and your catflap's terrible.Copy !req
345. GO!Copy !req
346. 'I then pulled Hammond off...'Copy !req
347. Ya-hey!Copy !req
348. '.. And that gave me an idea.'Copy !req
349. Why don't we use this to pull
the ferry acrossCopy !req
350. with the Volvo on it?Copy !req
351. Why would we not do that?Copy !req
352. 'Rather sceptically, Hammond and I
went back to get my Volvo.'Copy !req
353. Crack on.Copy !req
354. Our father, who art in heaven,Copy !req
355. if you're there,
make it go upside down, please.Copy !req
356. Steady! Wooh!Copy !req
357. Ooh!Copy !req
358. Shall I come back? Just a tiny bit.Copy !req
359. Wah-duh...! Stop making
squeaking noises.Copy !req
360. The thing is, the BMW has
a 50-50 weight distribution.Copy !req
361. 50% over the front axle,
50% over the back,Copy !req
362. which is why the raft was level.Copy !req
363. With James' car,Copy !req
364. 70% of the weight is over
the front axle.Copy !req
365. That's why the whole thing
is tipping down.Copy !req
366. Are we attached? Yes.Copy !req
367. Jeremy, we have begun!Copy !req
368. Right,
so I pull you across the river.Copy !req
369. Yeah, gently.Copy !req
370. Very, very slowly indeed!Copy !req
371. If it goes under,
it'll probably go nose-in, won't it?Copy !req
372. Yeah, I'll stand at the back.
Are you ready?Copy !req
373. He's going already, hang on.Copy !req
374. This is Captain Hammond
ringing down to the engine room.Copy !req
375. You have the slacks.
That's plenty fast enough!Copy !req
376. Yes, gently.Copy !req
377. Seriously, Jeremy.
We are going under.Copy !req
378. That's too fast, too fast!Copy !req
379. Oh, yes!Copy !req
380. Oh, yes!Copy !req
381. Gently, gently - seriously!Copy !req
382. We're going in.Copy !req
383. STOP!Copy !req
384. Jeremy, absolutely stop
or you'll have deaths on your hands.Copy !req
385. I've been shouted at so much.Copy !req
386. Need a zesty drink.Copy !req
387. 'Eventually, our third and final car
was ready to go ashore.'Copy !req
388. Forward. Oh, my Gawd!Copy !req
389. Well, credit where it's due.Copy !req
390. Come on!Copy !req
391. You have to admit that is quite
a finish, with a flourish!Copy !req
392. 'It had been a fraught undertaking,
but the fact was that,Copy !req
393. 'against the odds,Copy !req
394. 'all three of our cars were
on the other side of the river.'Copy !req
395. That's the first time,
I think, in ten years,Copy !req
396. we've ever done anythingCopy !req
397. ambitious and successful.Copy !req
398. I think you're right.
And doesn't it feel good?Copy !req
399. It feels weird, frankly.Copy !req
400. Normally there's one of us
in the water, in the jaws of a lion,Copy !req
401. going, "Oh, he's dead!"Copy !req
402. It was genuinely peculiar.Copy !req
403. Oh, my God!Copy !req
404. Oh!Copy !req
405. It's gone! It's completely gone!Copy !req
406. It's completely sunk!Copy !req
407. Well done(!)Copy !req
408. You can see how difficult
OUR job is.Copy !req
409. That's how deep it was!Copy !req
410. That could have happened to us.Copy !req
411. It could have done...
But it didn't!Copy !req
412. Onwards.Copy !req
413. 'Leaving the producers to
clear up their mess,Copy !req
414. 'we set off.Copy !req
415. 'And soon discovered that
Tanzania's roads were notCopy !req
416. 'built by the Chinese.'Copy !req
417. Pothole, pothole, pothole,
pothole. BIG one.Copy !req
418. It is like driving through
a minefield.Copy !req
419. If you take your eye
off the road for a second,Copy !req
420. you are into one
and they are massive.Copy !req
421. I don't know how James
will cope with this,Copy !req
422. because you can only
concentrate on one thing at a timeCopy !req
423. and when he's driving that is
normally an obscure poet.Copy !req
424. "Oh, yes, Philip Larkin's done some
very good... oh, no,"Copy !req
425. "I've hit a pothole."Copy !req
426. 'Soon James hit a pothole...'Copy !req
427. No!Copy !req
428. '..So hard,
it took out two of his tyres.'Copy !req
429. Erm... d'you remember...Copy !req
430. it seems like months ago,Copy !req
431. but at the beginning of this voyage,
we looked at these tyres and said,Copy !req
432. "There's no way those tyres will
survive Africa?"Copy !req
433. The signs are not good, are they?Copy !req
434. In that they're not. It's goodbye.Copy !req
435. You just wait here for the backup
car. You know the code.Copy !req
436. Oh, no, the backup car'sCopy !req
437. at the bottom of a
crocodile-infested river.Copy !req
438. I don't need the backup car,
I have spare wheels.Copy !req
439. You're not very helpful or useful
to me. I'll see you later.Copy !req
440. See you, James. Bye. Bye!Copy !req
441. 'Once the Annoying Brothers
had left,Copy !req
442. 'I discovered it was rather more
than just tyre damage.'Copy !req
443. Ho-ho-ho!Copy !req
444. 'Both wheels had shattered!Copy !req
445. 'Having raided the support
truck for more,Copy !req
446. 'I set off and caught up
with the othersCopy !req
447. 'in a swarm of lake flies.'Copy !req
448. 'This told us we were getting
close to Lake Victoria.Copy !req
449. 'At 150 miles across,Copy !req
450. it was too wide for us to even think
about building a homemade ferry.Copy !req
451. 'So we decided to use one someone
else had made earlier.'Copy !req
452. Have you ever seen more
flies than thatCopy !req
453. in one place ever?Copy !req
454. Oh, oh, oh!Copy !req
455. I'll give you a million pounds
if you goCopy !req
456. and stand there naked for an hour.Copy !req
457. 'The voyage across Lake Victoria
took more thanCopy !req
458. '16 hours, but there was
good news on the other side.Copy !req
459. 'The ferry would drop us
close to the River Grumeti,Copy !req
460. 'the river that WE believed
would take usCopy !req
461. 'to the source of the Nile.'Copy !req
462. We're going to find
the mouth of the river,Copy !req
463. track that back to its source,Copy !req
464. and we've done it.Copy !req
465. 30 seconds...Copy !req
466. 'Keen to demonstrate
the advantage of four-wheel driveCopy !req
467. 'to the bewildered crowd,Copy !req
468. 'Hammond insisted on going first.'Copy !req
469. Right, here we go.Copy !req
470. OK.Copy !req
471. I am ashore!Copy !req
472. 'You're letting
yourself down, the BBC, 'Copy !req
473. and the whole country with your
incompetence, Hammond.Copy !req
474. Oh, come on!Copy !req
475. Sorry about that, Skipper!Copy !req
476. Leave him. We can leave him.Copy !req
477. 'And so...Copy !req
478. 'we did.'Copy !req
479. Bye, Hammond! Bye!Copy !req
480. Hello.Copy !req
481. Hello.Copy !req
482. 'As we disembarked a few miles away
on a proper landing jetty,Copy !req
483. 'Hammond was being
rescued by the locals.'Copy !req
484. We're coming out!Copy !req
485. Everybody needs money nowCopy !req
486. and I don't have any money.Copy !req
487. Erm...Copy !req
488. I've got biscuits.Copy !req
489. More biscuits, more sweets.Copy !req
490. One second.Copy !req
491. OK, this is becoming alarming.Copy !req
492. Erm...Copy !req
493. I've got crisps.Copy !req
494. 'With my lunch all gone,
I rejoined my colleagues.'Copy !req
495. With hindsight, offering up
biscuits was a mistake.Copy !req
496. Yes,
when you have 40 mouths to feed,Copy !req
497. unless you're Jesus,
starting with two biscuitsCopy !req
498. isn't brilliant.Copy !req
499. Well, that arrival
was very happy and gloriousCopy !req
500. and we're excellent
ambassadors for BritainCopy !req
501. and her long tradition
of exploration.Copy !req
502. In other news,Copy !req
503. I've fitted a fan.Copy !req
504. 'We then broke out the map and went
off to find the mouth of our river.Copy !req
505. 'The beautiful and majestic
Grumeti.'Copy !req
506. In my mind, it was prettier. Yes.Copy !req
507. This is quiet, though.
It's not quiet.Copy !req
508. I admit, it's not picturesque
and it's not peaceful,Copy !req
509. but if we find the source of this...Copy !req
510. We've done it.Copy !req
511. ..You can't argue,
we're in the history books.Copy !req
512. It flows through Lake Victoria,
into the Nile,Copy !req
513. along the Nile,Copy !req
514. through the Med
and into the Atlantic.Copy !req
515. And as far as I can work out,Copy !req
516. it's there.Copy !req
517. That's about 70 miles.Copy !req
518. We only have 70 miles to do.
The good news is, look, some of it,Copy !req
519. you can follow the river
on that road.Copy !req
520. But that bit, the last bit,Copy !req
521. it's off-road. Yeah.Copy !req
522. Look, there's no tracks or anything.Copy !req
523. Well... So, that's it.
It can only get prettier.Copy !req
524. 'And it did, because soon
we were in the Serengeti.Copy !req
525. 'A vast plain teaming with animals,
all of which, as usual,Copy !req
526. 'were way beyond the reach
of our camera teams.'Copy !req
527. Wildebeest! Wildebeest!Copy !req
528. A zebra.Copy !req
529. I've seen more already here
on the SerengetiCopy !req
530. than I saw in
Sir Richard Hammondborough's.Copy !req
531. Planet Earth Live programme.Copy !req
532. 'Why didn't you show us
all of these animals, Hammond,Copy !req
533. 'on your Planet Earth Live
programme?Copy !req
534. 'There's millions of them
we could have looked at!'Copy !req
535. Shut up!Copy !req
536. 'Soon, we stopped to check on the
course of our "beautiful" river.Copy !req
537. 'And here we saw the most
amazing wildlife yet.'Copy !req
538. They are the funniest creatures
on earth, aren't they?Copy !req
539. Why are they so funny?Copy !req
540. This one's been to
the Daktari shop in Florida,Copy !req
541. hasn't he, for his outfit?Copy !req
542. Every single piece of kit,
he's got the lot.Copy !req
543. I don't know why,
but American tourists -Copy !req
544. and I know we're watched in America,
I'm not saying you're all like this,Copy !req
545. but when you travel,
you're hysterical.Copy !req
546. 'Sadly, the Americans departed,
leaving us with nothing to look atCopy !req
547. 'except some hippos.Copy !req
548. 'So we got back on the road
for the last few milesCopy !req
549. 'of our epic journey.'Copy !req
550. I'm going to put my hand
on my heart and say thisCopy !req
551. is the best Top Gear adventure
we've ever had.Copy !req
552. It's a noble quest in a trulyCopy !req
553. stunningly beautiful country
full of utterly hospitable people.Copy !req
554. 'And then, of course,
there were our cars.Copy !req
555. 'A trio of 1,500-quid high-milers.Copy !req
556. 'All had been presumably soldCopy !req
557. 'because their owners thought
they were on their last legs,Copy !req
558. 'but they'd come here and
taken on the worstCopy !req
559. 'that Africa could throw at them,
and they'd survived.Copy !req
560. 'But which had been the most
impressive?Copy !req
561. 'Well, at the next river check,
we had a chat about that.'Copy !req
562. Normally we pick one car
that's best.Copy !req
563. Mm. I think on this occasion,Copy !req
564. I can't be convinced mine
isn't the best,Copy !req
565. But I'm sure you're in the same...Copy !req
566. I wouldn't allow anybody to
convince me mine isn't the best.Copy !req
567. So, in other words,Copy !req
568. let's, on this occasion,
just agree to disagreeCopy !req
569. and say they're all the best. Yes.Copy !req
570. Like one of those primary school
sports days.Copy !req
571. Yes. Everybody gets a prize.Copy !req
572. You've all won.
There are no losers at St Barnabas'.Copy !req
573. Let's go with that,
they are all the best.Copy !req
574. That's fair.
They've all done well together.Copy !req
575. Let us now find the source of
this disgusting, scummy river. OK.Copy !req
576. Rubbish!Copy !req
577. If this WERE a school sports day,
here's how it's worked out.Copy !req
578. Everyone's got all excited
because the BMW, the fat kid,Copy !req
579. and the Volvo, the geeky,
specky, nerdy kid,Copy !req
580. have finished the cross-country
course.Copy !req
581. "Oh, well done,
we're so amazed you did it!"Copy !req
582. But let's not forget
the fact that the genuinelyCopy !req
583. sporty kid, the Subaru,
who's actually good at this stuff,Copy !req
584. also finished and finished well.Copy !req
585. Because it's the best. Fact.Copy !req
586. Ten minutes after this
show's finished,Copy !req
587. you won't be able to describe
what Jeremy was driving,Copy !req
588. but you'll be able to describe
this...Copy !req
589. because it's got personality,
character,Copy !req
590. something about it.Copy !req
591. I'm going to miss it.Copy !req
592. Now we're alone, viewers,
I can tell you that the VolvoCopy !req
593. is the best car here.
Because, let's not forget,Copy !req
594. this is a family estate.Copy !req
595. It's a family estate pretending
to be a BTCC racing car.Copy !req
596. So it's compromised, as well.Copy !req
597. It shouldn't be here,
it shouldn't have got this far,Copy !req
598. but it is and it has,Copy !req
599. and that's why I love it!Copy !req
600. It has the biggest heart.Copy !req
601. How can May possibly sayCopy !req
602. that his Volvo's better than this?Copy !req
603. It's been like a seal
on the entire journey,Copy !req
604. endlessly dragging its stomach
along the floor.Copy !req
605. And it broke his back.Copy !req
606. He'd have been better off
doing this journeyCopy !req
607. on a space hopper.Copy !req
608. Then we have Hammond's "Tubaru,"Copy !req
609. which is as needlessly complicatedCopy !req
610. as those idiotic trousers
he insists on wearingCopy !req
611. with all their special pockets
and clips for mossie sprayCopy !req
612. and a hunting knife
with a special compass.Copy !req
613. What's the point?Copy !req
614. I've done the entire journey
in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.Copy !req
615. And that's what the 5 Series is,Copy !req
616. it's the familiarity of home...Copy !req
617. here.Copy !req
618. You're a car, you're a sitting-room,
you're a bedroom, you're a fridge,Copy !req
619. you're a power station that charges
up my phone every night,Copy !req
620. but most of all what you are,
what you've become -Copy !req
621. is a mate.Copy !req
622. And that is what makes
a car special.Copy !req
623. That's what makes a car great.Copy !req
624. You start to think of it
as a person.Copy !req
625. You start to love it.Copy !req
626. 'What our cars deserved now was
a relaxing cruise to the finish.Copy !req
627. 'But that wasn't going to happen.'Copy !req
628. Aaaagh! Aaaagh! No!Copy !req
629. Whoa! Geez!Copy !req
630. 'The road was a rutted nightmare,Copy !req
631. 'and it was peppered
with sharp stones.Copy !req
632. 'It was a car killer.'Copy !req
633. This is absolute
puncture alley, this.Copy !req
634. Bloody Nora!Copy !req
635. BANG!Copy !req
636. What the BLEEP was that?Copy !req
637. Now, Jez has stopped at the side of
the road, hang on, something is up.Copy !req
638. Jezza's been hit, I think,
probably by a stone into his window.Copy !req
639. Stone in through your window?Copy !req
640. Something has just blown up
in there.Copy !req
641. What the BLEEP was it?Copy !req
642. That... Is it an airbag?
The airbag has gone off.Copy !req
643. Look, the smoke's still pouring
out of it. Is that the airbag?Copy !req
644. Yes, the airbag just went off.
There was a massive flash...Copy !req
645. That is really weird! My ear.Copy !req
646. I was saying this road
is so rough it's goingCopy !req
647. to set the airbags off,
I said that just a few miles back.Copy !req
648. Well, I have never seen that.
No, me neither.Copy !req
649. Phwoar!Copy !req
650. Now I'm worried about this one.Copy !req
651. 'By now we'd had enough
and wanted to stop for the night,Copy !req
652. 'but this was dusk on the Serengeti.Copy !req
653. 'Feeding time for the wildlife.Copy !req
654. 'So we had to reach a safe camp
that was 30 miles away -Copy !req
655. '30 miles that
turned into a massacre.'Copy !req
656. Oh, dear. Shot to bits.Copy !req
657. Have you got any more fronts?
Yes, I've got one more.Copy !req
658. That was new three minutes ago.Copy !req
659. Three minutes later I've
got a flat on the front.Copy !req
660. We've lost another one.Copy !req
661. This road is beyond belief
for killing cars.Copy !req
662. 'It was inevitable, really,
that eventually one of usCopy !req
663. 'would suffer some damage
that was slightly more seriousCopy !req
664. 'than a puncture.'Copy !req
665. Oh, my God. You are in big trouble.Copy !req
666. That one is straight, and
if you come around the other side,Copy !req
667. that's on full-left.Copy !req
668. You've broken a track rod
steering... Oh, my God.Copy !req
669. You can see the wishbone... there.Copy !req
670. If you look in there you'll see
the end of it, where it's... gone.Copy !req
671. Is it sheared? Yes. It is
completely sheared off.Copy !req
672. That might have killed my car.Copy !req
673. What's up? He's got a puncture.
He's also got a sheared wishbone.Copy !req
674. You're kidding. I'm not.Copy !req
675. That's a game over, isn't it?Copy !req
676. 'The next morning, in our safe camp,Copy !req
677. 'we counted up the toll
from Death Road.'Copy !req
678. I had three punctures,
one of which I have still got.Copy !req
679. Two airbags went off,Copy !req
680. both of which deafened me
and gave me heart attacks.Copy !req
681. What else - oh, all four shock
absorbers are completely ruined.Copy !req
682. Yours any better?Copy !req
683. Well, I had two punctures,
the fuel line came off,Copy !req
684. the front bumper collapsed,Copy !req
685. I am not even bothering
to look at my shocks,Copy !req
686. because I know they were
absolutely shot, shot absorbers,Copy !req
687. but on the plus side, all
the bits that attach the wheelsCopy !req
688. to the car are intact.Copy !req
689. Speaking of which...Copy !req
690. actually, where is he?Copy !req
691. These are the remnants of the point
at which the track control arm went,Copy !req
692. and you can see it was just
rotten from the inside out.Copy !req
693. It was going to go at some point,
and when it did collapse,Copy !req
694. it took the anti-roll bar
out on the way past.Copy !req
695. So, the only option is,
and it is quite a long shot -Copy !req
696. this is all useless -Copy !req
697. is to use the remainder of the
track control arm that's underCopy !req
698. there attached to the hub,Copy !req
699. and use this to fabricate and weld
on replacement bits for that.Copy !req
700. 'At times like this,
the procedure is clear.Copy !req
701. 'We do leave a man behind.Copy !req
702. 'But, because we'd come
so far together, and becauseCopy !req
703. 'we hadn't had breakfast yet, James
and I decided to bend the rules.'Copy !req
704. We'll give him till 11 o'clock.Copy !req
705. Fair enough.Copy !req
706. That's an hour and ten minutes.
Fair enough.Copy !req
707. What time did we get in last night,
about two?Copy !req
708. Something like that,
it went on for ever.Copy !req
709. Look at what I just slept in,
look at it!Copy !req
710. I mean look at the... Thank you(!)Copy !req
711. 'At exactly three minutes past 11,Copy !req
712. 'James and I were parked on the main
road by the camp, waiting to seeCopy !req
713. 'whether we would finish
this journey as a twosome,Copy !req
714. 'or a threesome.'Copy !req
715. Hammond is making a bit of a habit
of this on these adventures, now.Copy !req
716. Bolivia, his leg fell off. Oliver.Copy !req
717. Oliver? Didn't it make it?
Can't remember.Copy !req
718. It did, but we had to wait for
it... Oh, yes, for days and days.Copy !req
719. .. while he put it back together.Copy !req
720. Oh, hang on!Copy !req
721. Do you hear that? I can, just.Copy !req
722. Is that soundtrack of
an approaching moron,Copy !req
723. or is it our support truck?Copy !req
724. With his silly little face
at the wheel.Copy !req
725. What is coming over the hill?Copy !req
726. Please let it be a lorry,
please let it be a lorry. Oh!Copy !req
727. We can't be... No. Pretend to be
pleased, pretend to be pleased!Copy !req
728. Pleased face!Copy !req
729. Oh, great, we're all back together
as a team,Copy !req
730. oh, right, good, here we go.Copy !req
731. Well done, mate. Yes, well done!
Ha-ha-ha! Are you impressed? Yes.Copy !req
732. We're impressed that
you're impressed. That's nice.Copy !req
733. That looks tremendous. Anyway,
Hammond, while you've been gone,Copy !req
734. James and I have made
a bit of a decision. What?Copy !req
735. The source of our river
is somewhere up there, OK?Copy !req
736. Now, only one of us
can technically get there first -Copy !req
737. they'll be the one
who's remembered, the other twoCopy !req
738. will be forgotten, because nobody
remembers who comes second.Copy !req
739. So, we propose a race. Yes.Copy !req
740. Three, two, one - go!Copy !req
741. And whoever finds the source first -Copy !req
742. into the history books,
buried in Westminster Abbey.Copy !req
743. They dig up Livingstone,
throw him away,Copy !req
744. "You got it wrong..."Copy !req
745. You don't have to be buried
immediately?Copy !req
746. No, no, when you die.Copy !req
747. So, are we ready? The producers are
on the other side of that river.Copy !req
748. You can shout "Go!"
I'll do it on my tannoy system.Copy !req
749. Are we ready, gentlemen? I am ready.Copy !req
750. This is for everything.Copy !req
751. The greatest race in the history
of mankind is about to begin.Copy !req
752. Three, two, one - GO!Copy !req
753. Power, etc.Copy !req
754. Where is Jeremy? What was he doing?Copy !req
755. Have they learned nothing from
last night? Because I did!Copy !req
756. Speed causes punctures.Copy !req
757. 17 miles an hour,
that's what you need.Copy !req
758. I don't want a puncture,
I want to win this,Copy !req
759. because this is a race for glory.Copy !req
760. The winner will go
in the history books,Copy !req
761. the losers will be quietly
forgotten,Copy !req
762. and they will end up opening
a shoe shop, probably, in Durham.Copy !req
763. 'Top Gear's ARU had found an area
of hilly terrain 12 miles toCopy !req
764. 'the east, where we believed we
would find the source of the Nile.Copy !req
765. 'Getting there first mattered.'Copy !req
766. Richard Hammond hot on my tail,
in the quest for the sourceCopy !req
767. of the Nile,
with his repaired suspension.Copy !req
768. This is as fast as I dare go.Copy !req
769. Ooooh!Copy !req
770. Ow!Copy !req
771. The car has just undergone major
surgery, I have just closedCopy !req
772. the patient's chest, and
I'm forcing him to play rugby.Copy !req
773. If Richard Hammond beats me
in this race,Copy !req
774. he will be knighted by the Queen.Copy !req
775. She will say, "Arise, Sir Richard."Copy !req
776. Oh, you already have.Copy !req
777. Where the hell is Jeremy?Copy !req
778. This James May-Christian motoring
isn't working,Copy !req
779. they're not getting punctures.
I'm going to revert to type.Copy !req
780. POWER!Copy !req
781. I am a one-man dust machine.Copy !req
782. Hammond is going for it,
he's making a move!Copy !req
783. Ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
784. 'For the next few miles,
we jostled for the lead.'Copy !req
785. Urgh, it's neck and neck.Copy !req
786. Oh, no!Copy !req
787. I'm going left,
I'm going to do it. Ooooh!Copy !req
788. Ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
789. Ooh! Agh!Copy !req
790. This!Copy !req
791. There they are, I'm catching.Copy !req
792. A warning light has come on
to say my car needs a service.Copy !req
793. Oooh! Oooh! This is just...Copy !req
794. killing my car.Copy !req
795. 'We were now in the area
where the source should be,Copy !req
796. 'so we needed to go
off-road to find it.'Copy !req
797. We're going to have to go
right somewhere.Copy !req
798. Oh, hold on, hold on, what's this?Copy !req
799. There!Copy !req
800. Come on!Copy !req
801. Bugger Clarkson!Copy !req
802. Yeaaah! What do you think
of that? Ha-ha!Copy !req
803. Westminster Abbey is mine.Copy !req
804. 'As the plain opened out,
we realised that in normal racing,Copy !req
805. 'people tend to know where
the finish line is.'Copy !req
806. Which way, which way?Copy !req
807. 'But we had to rely on
intelligence and cunning.'Copy !req
808. Right, trees, trees all
growing along a little valley,Copy !req
809. that can only mean river.Copy !req
810. That is a valley,
I'm not heading down into there,Copy !req
811. the source of the Nile isn't going
to be in a valley.Copy !req
812. Ah-ha! Uphill, you see.
Uphill is good.Copy !req
813. I've totally lost my bearings here,
totally lost.Copy !req
814. Hang on a minute! Oh!Copy !req
815. This looks...Copy !req
816. This looks like a stream.Copy !req
817. It's going downhill that way.Copy !req
818. So I follow it up...Copy !req
819. and the source is in those rocks.Copy !req
820. It has to be. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
821. Rocks. Many rocks.Copy !req
822. That is the sort of magical placeCopy !req
823. I anticipate finding
the source of the Nile.Copy !req
824. There's a bit there moving, so
it's that way. Right, here we go.Copy !req
825. It's got to be this way,Copy !req
826. and Clarkson clearly has
the same idea.Copy !req
827. 'And so did Hammond.'Copy !req
828. Ow, ow!Copy !req
829. Can you imagine children
of the future learning in historyCopy !req
830. lessons about Sir Richard Hammond?Copy !req
831. Nobody wants to think of that.Copy !req
832. 'Because only one of us
could achieveCopy !req
833. 'immortality in the history books,
things soon got a bit ugly.'Copy !req
834. Hammond's attacking him!Copy !req
835. CRASH!Copy !req
836. Get off!Copy !req
837. Ha-ha-ha! I'm through.Copy !req
838. Hammond is properly in my way now,
he really is annoying me.Copy !req
839. I know how I can get Hammond
out of the way...Copy !req
840. Oh, God! Not that!Copy !req
841. I'm Genesis-ing him!Copy !req
842. Aaaagh!Copy !req
843. 'Sadly, though, Genesis didn't work.Copy !req
844. 'So I rammed him.'Copy !req
845. CRASH!Copy !req
846. What?Copy !req
847. I'm in the lead again!Copy !req
848. Whoa! Whoa!Copy !req
849. This Volvo is so far
out of its comfort zone.Copy !req
850. I'm going to go down in history!Copy !req
851. Everything tells me this is...Copy !req
852. it's the highest ground for miles
around - it's got to be in there,Copy !req
853. it's got to be in there.Copy !req
854. Aaaaagh!Copy !req
855. But there can be no more than
a few hundred meters now,Copy !req
856. we can afford to take a few knocks.Copy !req
857. Whoa!Copy !req
858. James, your suspension has collapsed.Copy !req
859. Your back wheel is coming off,
I'm not joking. Ha-ha-ha!Copy !req
860. My car has collapsed.
I'm going on foot.Copy !req
861. 'As now were Richard and I.'Copy !req
862. End of the road for you, old friend.
I'll tell you what it's like.Copy !req
863. I'm off.Copy !req
864. It's geology, Jeremy, geology.Copy !req
865. What have we got here? We've got
bedrock, the ground is sunk down,Copy !req
866. indicating the presence
of a spring, in my mind.Copy !req
867. Lizards.Copy !req
868. Look at it. A stream has done this.Copy !req
869. But where is the source?Copy !req
870. This has been wet. Wait...Copy !req
871. This is soggy. This is soggy.Copy !req
872. This could be a stream. It is
a stream I'm walking up, it is.Copy !req
873. Hammond is not having this!Copy !req
874. It goes downhill, that doesn't
mean it starts at the top.Copy !req
875. Wait!Copy !req
876. Wait!Copy !req
877. Is it?Copy !req
878. No.Copy !req
879. Here?Copy !req
880. That... Yes.Copy !req
881. Yes!Copy !req
882. Sorry, mate! That was close.Copy !req
883. Hammond!Copy !req
884. Well done. That is
the source of the River Nile.Copy !req
885. I'm going to put my finger
in it, excuse me.Copy !req
886. That is the root of civilization,Copy !req
887. that nourished the ancient
Egyptians. What, your finger?Copy !req
888. No, not my finger, the water.Copy !req
889. That's going to nourish the Sudan,
Egypt, Greece, Italy, Spain.Copy !req
890. Morocco, Algeria. That water is
the lifeblood of all of it.Copy !req
891. So, that is the undisputed source
of the River Nile,Copy !req
892. that is the man who found it,Copy !req
893. and somewhere way down thereCopy !req
894. is the ruined Volvo
that brought him here.Copy !req
895. We now have to claim this
little pond for Top Gear,Copy !req
896. so, just bear with me, while I...Copy !req
897. Is the Top Gear flag slightly
bigger than the Union Flag?Copy !req
898. Yes, that's right.Copy !req
899. Have we got this the right way up
this time, so we don't get...Copy !req
900. So, here's what I'm suggesting,
chaps - we plant the flags,Copy !req
901. and then we do what all great
Victorian explorers did,Copy !req
902. pose for a photograph
by our discovery.Copy !req
903. Wait for the birdie!Copy !req
904. Three, two, one!Copy !req
905. Corrections and sync by Wally73Copy !req