Top Gear 19x1

1. Hello, hello, everybody. Thank you so much, thank you.

2. Thanks very much.

3. We're back!

4. We're back! We're back with a new-look Top Gear.

5. We have changed everything.

6. And to give you a taste of what you can expect over the coming weeks,

7. we have prepared a little montage.

8. Tally-ho, tally-ho, chaps.

9. They are all over me!

10. At Twickenham, for England!

11. We might actually just be in with a chance.

12. Let's do this for Carroll Shelby, come on!

13. You will find the source of the River Nile.

14. Here we are, ladies, at the bowling club. Oh, lovely.

15. And, stop. Oh, I am so on board.

16. There's nobody driving!

17. The last to arrive will cross into Mexico...

18. Hello. I've accidentally painted a gentleman's sausage on a storm drain.

19. 'Oh, my.'

20. Big jump, whoa!

21. We haven't changed anything, have we? No. Not really.

22. Wait, I have bought a new jacket. You have new shoes.

23. I'm in my 50s now. James, to be fair, you were born in your 50s.

24. To be honest, James turned 50 just last week.

25. Yeah.

26. Why are you applauding?

27. All he had to do to get to 50 was not die,

28. and the speed he drives, that's not difficult.

29. Anyway, we have a tremendous series coming up, some amazing races,

30. some incredible challenges and, of course, some brilliant cars.

31. And we start with the best of them all.

32. The Pagani Zonda is my favourite supercar.

33. But it's been around for a decade now,

34. and for the last few years, Pagani have been promising again

35. and again that they will replace it with a brand-new car.

36. And now, finally, they have.

37. It's called the Huayra.

38. It costs £800,000 and it has a top speed of 230 miles per hour.

39. The name Huayra comes from the South American god of wind.

40. Probably not what you want to hear.

41. What you DO want to hear is that it has six-litre twin-turbo V12,

42. made especially for it by AMG.

43. And once petrol is applied, it makes 730 brake horsepower.

44. And what you do want to hear and see is what that does.

45. Aaaargh, ha-ha!

46. It spins its wheels all the time!

47. I'm in a monster!

48. Ha-ha-ha!

49. Oh, dear God! 0 to 60 in 3.2 seconds and then on into space!

50. That is 180.

51. That is savage. Savage, savage thing.

52. I can't get enough of that. I'm going to do that again.

53. The drama isn't just restricted to the speed.

54. Because inside the Huayra, it looks like a Victorian's idea of the 23rd century.

55. And the detail is beyond obsessive - every single nut and bolt

56. is made from titanium.

57. The name badge takes 24 hours to carve out

58. from a solid piece of aluminium.

59. Each wheel, also hewn from a single aluminium block,

60. takes five days to make.

61. And look at this gear shifter.

62. All the mechanism is exposed so you can see the workings.

63. It's made from 67 different parts, all arranged

64. just so you can hear that mechanical clunk of a gear being selected.

65. You don't even need to use it - you can use the paddles by the wheel -

66. but they have put that there because it makes it more of an occasion.

67. This fanatical attention to detail goes on and on and on.

68. Even the body is more high-tech than the one

69. you'll find on a Formula One car.

70. It's made from carbotanium. I even know what that means!

71. Now somebody's told me.

72. It's a blend of carbon fibre and titanium,

73. which is incredibly light but is actually stiffer than carbon fibre

74. and doesn't shatter when you crash.

75. That makes things safer

76. should you suddenly find all 730bhp

77. propelling you towards a hedge.

78. Not every element, though, is quite so cutting edge.

79. Pagani haven't gone with a fashionable twin plate clutch that so many cars use,

80. because they do make for faster changes.

81. They have gone instead for a more traditional single plate clutch because it's smaller

82. and a whole 100 kilograms lighter.

83. In fact, the Huayra weighs just 1,350 kilograms

84. and has the power-to-weight ratio of 541 brake horsepower per tonne,

85. which is more than you get from a Bugatti Veyron.

86. But where the Bugatti Veyron is four-wheel drive, this is only rear-wheel drive,

87. and, rather worryingly, we have now come to the part of the film

88. where we must see what it's like going round corners.

89. I understand the more infantile viewers, of which there are many,

90. will now want to see me sliding the back end around.

91. So, here goes.

92. Amazingly, you can corner this car like a halfwit

93. and come out the other side alive.

94. And that's because, in the Huayra, the black art of aerodynamics is watching over you.

95. You see those flaps on the outside?

96. There are two at the back and two the front. They measure how fast you're going

97. and then deploy to keep everything stable.

98. That's astonishing!

99. All from the back wheels - I'm in love!

100. But the handling is not all down to the magic flaps.

101. It doesn't feel big, like a Lambo,

102. and it's all been set up so well

103. and made so stable that even I can corner it hard without hiding in the glove box, whimpering.

104. Oh, God, this is properly put together.

105. The Zonda was always going to be a difficult act to follow,

106. but the Huayra has pulled it off.

107. It drives better, it looks better and it hasn't lost any of the drama.

108. On top of that, it also has something that its main rivals,

109. Ferrari and Lamborghini, no longer possess.

110. This car, and this may get a bit Culture Show now, I know,

111. has still got its innocence.

112. Ferrari and Lamborghini haven't.

113. One is owned by Audi,

114. the other is a commercial machine for selling hats and keyrings.

115. Pagani is where those companies were 30 years ago - no corporate culture,

116. no branded teddy bears, they just want to make a bedroom wall pin-up poster.

117. With a touch of the madness we saw in the Lamborghinis of a few decades ago.

118. And you can feel that!

119. There might be some people watching right now who could actually

120. afford one of these things.

121. And it is the job of you, me and everybody else to stand around

122. and join together in a chorus, "Do it, do it, do it!"

123. Wow. That is an amazing-looking thing. Crazy but wonderful. Amazing.

124. Now, do you know, do you know which of the world's cities

125. has placed the largest number of orders for this car? No.

126. Wakefield. Is it? No, I made that up.

127. Is it really as fast as it looks?

128. Yes, yes! You know the straight between Chicago

129. and Hammerhead? Yeah. In this, it's not as long as you think.

130. It's just there. Is it not? So I can't relax. "Oh, there!"

131. It is just one corner, it is amazingly insanely fast.

132. Now, obviously, we must find out how fast it goes around our track,

133. and that of course means handing it over to our tame racing driver.

134. Some say that we have at least thought of a new way

135. of introducing him.

136. But we haven't.

137. It's The Stig!

138. And he's off, surprisingly gentle at first,

139. but then the tyres light up, the spoilers spring into action.

140. Coming up to the first corner, and he is... he's indicating,

141. seems unnecessary, but he is keeping it all in shape.

142. Just about.

143. Should explain that, since the Olympics, The Stig has become obsessed with national anthems.

144. He's around Chicago and fires in towards Hammerhead.

145. Hammond was right, that took no time at all.

146. Under-braking and takes it easy through the left and right.

147. Now, hard on the power. Do you hear those turbo waste-gates fluttering?

148. Now, follow through - surely he can't use all the power there.

149. He did. He double-breaks as he passes the tyres,

150. presumably with his left foot or the middle one.

151. Just two corners left. God, he's coming in fast.

152. Steady, Stig, up to Gambon. He's very smooth through there.

153. And across the line.

154. Right, the Pagani, Pagani...

155. Hu... in. Huayra.

156. Huuuugh. It's a stupid name.

157. Why is it stupid?

158. It hasn't got any consonants in it.

159. Consonants are the meat of language. If you had no consonants in your name,

160. you'd be... I-a.

161. And I'd be... Eey.

162. People have waited a long time for us to come back, and that's it.

163. Anyway, the fastest car we have ever had around the track is

164. the Ariel Atom V8 1.15.1.

165. Now, are you seriously suggesting that this is faster than that?

166. I would say it is in with a shout of being as fast, yes.

167. Well, you're wrong. Oh.

168. Because, the Pagani did it in 1...

169. 13.8. I am not joking.

170. It's genuinely staggering.

171. I can't see that time being beaten ever, to be honest.

172. Anyway, it is time to do the news, and it's good news,

173. because the Dacia Sandero is on sale in the UK and taking the nation by storm.

174. Great! Now, the Mercedes SLS, there it is.

175. There is a new black version of it, there's a picture of it there, and it's yellow.

176. It has 60 more horsepower than the standard, more speed, more violence.

177. Dear God, is the brochure written in bullet holes?

178. No, the brochure is carved into your face with a hunting knife. Is it?

179. Subtle.

180. I wonder if they have addressed the problem with the old one - you could never get it sideways.

181. This one doesn't go in a straight line.

182. It's funny, weirdly - my friend just bought a black series Mercedes,

183. and every time I see him, I say, "How is it going?"

184. And he pretends it's great. "It's fine!

185. "I'm enjoying it!"But you've aged 30 years in a week."

186. "I know! But I really like it!"

187. That's like saying, "I've got a new attack dog, and it's great!

188. "You don't know when it's going to attack, or who! I love it."

189. That's what that is. It's a big yellow attack dog. It's very silly.

190. Now, may I talk about 50 Shades Of Grey?

191. Really?

192. Can I just honestly ask, who here has read it? Be honest,

193. who here has read it? We're noticing a trend.

194. It's mainly a women thing, I'm guessing, yes?

195. Men don't really have an equivalent, until now.

196. I have found the male equivalent of 50 Shades Of Grey.

197. Tremendous Tractors.

198. Come on, you're going to love it the most!

199. Why would you not read that?

200. It is all in here, isn't it? "Spikes!

201. "These move through the ground to cover the seeds after they drop.

202. "This has chunky treads, to grip bumpy or sloppy ground."

203. Hammond... This is absolutely marvellous.

204. I think you're reading more into it than is actually there.

205. "It cuts the stocks and threshes them up to knock the grain right out."

206. I'm coming over all flushed. It's just a book about tractors.

207. And the best thing is, there's a series of them -

208. there's Dazzling Diggers, Amazing Aeroplanes, Enormous Erections.

209. What? I made that last one up.

210. "Spreads the straw behind it as the grain spills from the spout...

211. ".. for farmland can be rough!"

212. I've gone somewhere else.

213. You've gone cross-eyed, is what you've gone.

214. Right, Volkswagen... Volkswagen named the Touareg, the big 4x4,

215. after the Tuaregene North African tribesmen.

216. It must have seemed like a very good name at the time,

217. because they're a tough, romantic nomadic people,

218. eking a simple living from the harsh desert.

219. Unfortunately, it turns out that today, the Touareg are running guns

220. from Libya into Mali and fighting there alongside hardline Islamists.

221. I think we can be pretty sure there will be some high-level very urgent meetings at VW this week.

222. They're certainly dropping plans now for the new hatchback,

223. the Baader-Meinhof.

224. "This van, the new VW Lord's Resistance Army..."

225. That's the one with the independent rear access, or IRA. Stop it! Yes.

226. If you think about it, you only need one letter

227. to drop off the back of your Polo and you will have VW PLO.

228. It turns out every single Volkswagen is named after a terrorist organisation!

229. Right, there is a new Corvette out,

230. and they have brought back the Stingray name.

231. All-new chassis, so it has perfect 50-50 weight distribution, 450 brake horsepower from a 6.2 litre V8,

232. which means 0 to 60 will be under four seconds.

233. And the best thing is it makes you 27% more attractive to your sister.

234. Now, you know those dot-matrix signs on motorways?

235. The overhead gantries that are used to warn you about impending doom?

236. Well, sometimes, there is no impending doom, so they put up other messages.

237. I was driving along other day, and one said,

238. "Have you prepared your car for winter?"

239. And I thought, "When I bought it from Mercedes,

240. "I rather hoped they'd done that already."

241. How do you prepare your car for winter?

242. We genuinely don't know.

243. Does anyone have any ideas how you would prepare a car for winter?

244. Winter tyres!

245. Winter tyres - you could conceivably put winter tyres on,

246. but you only need them for, what, half a day? And they cost about £150 each.

247. In the olden, olden, olden days, you probably did have to prepare your car for winter.

248. Perhaps that's the problem - the man writing the sign is stuck in 1953. Yes.

249. Is it you? Have you been moonlighting writing signs?

250. "Don't forget to line your engine block with some stout canvas."

251. It was you! Can I direct you to your jacket?

252. Before you say I'm locked in 1953, Mr Toad.

253. I'm the only modern one here. Really?

254. You may remember, a while back on Top Gear,

255. we met the Race2Recovery team, a group of injured soldiers

256. who were planning to take on the toughest race in the world- The Dakar.

257. I remember thinking, that is very noble,

258. but it's impossible, because Mark Thatcher had four functioning limbs,

259. he never made it, so the idea that they would was, in my mind, preposterous.

260. The race was over 8,500 kilometres across South America,

261. it took two weeks, 30 percent of the entrants didn't finish.

262. But, and this is amazing news, last Sunday, they did!

263. Philip Gillespie, Matt O'Hare and the rest of the team,

264. deep, deep respect from all of us here, that is amazing.

265. Tremendous. Right, that is the end of the news.

266. I would like to move things on swiftly to the Bentley Continental.

267. There are various versions available - you can have one with a top speed of 187, top speed of 194,

268. a top speed of 198,

269. but what if none of these top speeds are quite what you're after?

270. Well, Bentley has a solution.

271. And here it is. The Continental GT Speed.

272. This is not to be confused with the previous Bentley Continental GT Speed,

273. or the Bentley Continental GT Supersports or in fact any other

274. Bentley Continental that looks exactly the same as this one.

275. No, this one is a bit special.

276. What this is is the fastest Bentley ever built,

277. because it will do 205 miles per hour.

278. It will also go from 0 to 60 in just four seconds.

279. And to deliver that kind of performance,

280. the standard issue six-litre twin-turbo engine has been stoked

281. to produce 616 horsepower.

282. To ensure that all that power is delivered in an orderly fashion,

283. this car has been fitted with a new eight-speed automatic gearbox.

284. To help it stand out next to a regular Continental GT,

285. the speed has been given a few signature flourishes.

286. Such as this black mesh radiator grille,

287. these rifled exhausts,

288. and inside, a gorgeous dark-tinted aluminium fascia.

289. It costs just over £150,000, and at this point, you may be thinking,

290. "So what?

291. "Why do we need another fast Bentley anyway?"

292. I thought exactly the same, until I drove it.

293. Up until now, every Continental GT has been, to my mind,

294. just a sort of big posh car built to the numbers.

295. Built to an easy directive.

296. But this car, finally feels, I think, like a Bentley should.

297. It's not the magnitude of the power that is important,

298. it's the way it is turned into speed.

299. You sort of get a discreet "ahem" from the butler

300. and then this big aristocratic whomp in the kidneys.

301. The ride in a Bentley, I think, should be reasonably firm

302. but forgiving and supple, and that's what you get here.

303. You feel very much in control.

304. You can read the road through the wheels and through the steering wheel,

305. but it doesn't batter you in any way.

306. Likewise, that new eight-speed gearbox is an absolute peach.

307. It's also intelligent - it will skip gears,

308. it will go from fourth to eighth if that's what is required.

309. The Continental has been around for ten years now,

310. and what this version feels like is a decade of engineering

311. coming together to make something rather special.

312. So to find out how good it really is,

313. we decided to take it somewhere more demanding than a Welsh B road.

314. So, since it has four-wheel-drive...

315. Yes, we're going to unleash her £150,000 Bentley on a full-blown

316. stage of the World Rally Championship.

317. Specifically, here, on a 15-mile stage of the gruelling Welsh Rally.

318. This is Top Gear consumer journalism.

319. I've never driven a rally stage

320. and I'm not going to now.

321. I'm giving the job to rally ace Kris Meeke...

322. who you may remember from our race between a rally car

323. and Olympic gold-medal skele-bob pilot Amy Williams.

324. On that occasion, my job was to sit next to him and not look scared.

325. Today, though, I would have to give Kris directions,

326. which meant getting to grips with the mystifying world of pace notes.

327. Basically, the number before the R, the R is a right,

328. the number is the severity of the bend. One is a slight bend

329. and the six is a real hard bend, so the numbers are graded one through to six.

330. The numbers between the corners are the distance,

331. so 40 is 40 metres, the C that you were calling is a crest,

332. and the arrow is into, so that'll be crest into one right over crest.

333. So how do I do this and look out the window at the same time?

334. You don't look out, you have to feel the corners through your backside.

335. So your brain needs to be 200-300 metres ahead of my driving.

336. If it goes wrong, and we have a crash, who says sorry first?

337. First thing I will do is check your pulse to see if you're still living,

338. then I'll ask you to apologise.

339. Besides the complexity of the pace notes, there was another worry.

340. A World Rally car is purpose-built for the job.

341. It weighs just 1,200 kilograms

342. and has bespoke brakes to help it stop.

343. Its gearbox is made to soak up the punishment.

344. Its roll cage is designed to keep the occupants in one piece.

345. By contrast, all we have changed on our 2.3-tonne Bentley was the seats.

346. The seats are good. I think that's good thinking,

347. but most of other things about this car are bad, aren't they, for rally? Too big.

348. Yeah. A Bentley on a rally is a stupid idea.

349. It has all the horsepower you need to get it up to speed,

350. but we're trying to stop 2.3 tonnes on road tyres, so we don't have the grip.

351. And you haven't got the handbrake. You have the electric handbrake, which is no good.

352. It's not, but we will have to do a little bit of man manoeuvring around the hairpins.

353. Are you a bit scared about driving this rally course?

354. I am a little bit. You should be even more scared.

355. And on those final words of comfort...

356. .. we took our place on the start line.

357. You see that bloke's moustache there? Yes.

358. That tells me everything is going to be all right.

359. So if you count me down, do a five. Yeah.

360. Five, four, three, two, one.

361. Four right. 40.

362. You need to be quicker, James, come on. 40 metres. Four right.

363. Suddenly, I knew what it felt like to be a rabbit

364. caught in the headlights.

365. Next, James, come on! Left, left plus two left.

366. James, I can't go up the road if you don't call out the notes!

367. One right. One right?

368. Repeat, repeat! Then three right and then 40 metres.

369. Five right into six left then 40 metres into five right.

370. This is a five, you're too late, James, come on!

371. Right, square right. Sorry, square left.

372. James, either get it right or shut up!

373. 'The red mist had descended on Kris.

374. 'A fog of doubt had enveloped me,

375. 'but it seemed he wasn't going to back off.'

376. Oof!

377. Next one! One right.

378. Bloody hell!

379. Four right.

380. On the plus side, the Bentley's four-wheel drive was superb.

381. The power phenomenal.

382. And Kris was majestic.

383. Especially in the tight bends

384. where the Bentley's electric parking brake was useless.

385. Going into large hairpin right.

386. That's where you needed the handbrake. Yeah.

387. Ten miles in, and I was giving Kris proper backup.

388. Five right.

389. Severe six right. OK. That's a bit better, James.

390. Through water.

391. 40, four left. Got it. The finish, James.

392. Two left. Tight.

393. Man in road. Two left, over a crest.

394. Jesus!

395. So, James May, James May...

396. the big question is, were you last?

397. No.

398. We beat a proper WRC rally car by two seconds.

399. So you were second to last? Yeah. First of the winners.

400. I have to say, though, obviously I would like to mock you for your hopeless co-driving skills,

401. but watching this on that rally circuit,

402. a deeply impressive spectacle, it really was.

403. Yeah, it is a deeply impressive car.

404. It's weird, I've never been a fan of the Continental,

405. but I drove the little V8 engine one last year

406. and I thought that was pretty good as well. Yeah, absolutely.

407. They have done a great deal to improve the car over the years.

408. But the trouble is,

409. they haven't really done anything to improve the people who buy them. No.

410. I mean, they do all that engineering work

411. and then they sell it to Mario Balotelli. Exactly.

412. Who? I knew you didn't know.

413. He's that Manchester City player with the blond Brazilian on his head.

414. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

415. Anyway, it is now time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

416. My guest tonight is best known as a ginger man who is intent on bringing

417. suffering and misery to countless millions of innocent souls.

418. Don't worry, I'm not talking about Mick Hucknall.

419. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, from Homeland,

420. Damian Lewis!

421. You're here! Thank you. How are you? Pretty great. Have a seat.

422. Thank you. Have a seat. Thank you. Thank you.

423. I want to talk about Homeland, obviously,

424. I know everybody wants to do that, but...

425. I keep reading that you don't know how it ends,

426. but you must do, really.

427. Well... I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you!

428. I don't know how it ends, because THEY don't know how it ends.

429. It sounds a little avoiding to say that,

430. but honestly, the writers write incredibly spontaneously.

431. They're actually sitting down this week to work out what happens next season. You're in a wood now.

432. It's a bit of a surprise I'm still alive, I think. Yeah.

433. Now they've got the headache of me still being alive,

434. they've got to work out what to do with me.

435. Obama's a fan, isn't he? The President of America is a hug fan

436. and invited my wife and I to the White House.

437. You are kidding. Sat...

438. convinced we would be sitting, you know, by the revolving doors,

439. you know, just on the way to the toilet,

440. consistently being hit on the back of the head as...

441. old people went to pee.

442. And then actually we sat at the table opposite him.

443. The programme I'm surprised you haven't been on yet -

444. Match Of The Day. You're a big football fan, aren't you? I do like a bit of footy, yeah.

445. You are a... I'm a Liverpool fan. Can I ask...

446. As you can tell from my deep Scouse accent!

447. .. have you never played in one of those pro-am celebrity...?

448. I've actually twice had the extraordinary experience

449. of playing at Old Trafford in front of 70,000 people.

450. And last time I played, actually, I was playing in the centre midfield

451. for England against the rest of the world

452. with Jamie Redknapp.

453. It was just me and Jamie marshalling midfield

454. behind Shearer and Sheringham.

455. And I clattered into Zizou, Zinedine Zidane,

456. after about 15 minutes, and I didn't realise how angry he was.

457. Jamie Redknapp kept following me around the pitch, saying,

458. "Dame, Dame, calm down!"

459. And I said, "What do you mean?"

460. He said, "They haven't come to see YOU play!"

461. And then in the 30th minute, in front of 75,000 people,

462. what does Zidane do?

463. He rolled his foot over the ball a few times,

464. went to the touchline, stood there with the ball,

465. looked up at me as I came charging in, like this,

466. going to tackle Zidane, looked at me and went...

467. poked it straight through my legs...

468. to spontaneous laughter.

469. I've never been laughed at by 70,000 people.

470. It would shrivel up, and there'd be space for things, that's for damn sure.

471. But it was an amazing experience.

472. Cars. Cars.

473. I gather your first car was an Alfa Romeo? Yes, it was.

474. It wasn't a Spider, it wasn't a sexy Alfa Romeo.

475. I bought my Alfa Romeo for a grand on a forecourt in Balham High Road.

476. No! Yeah. And it wasn't even at a car dealership.

477. It was like a junk shop with four cars in front of it,

478. just lined up on the pavement.

479. I used to live in Balham and I know exact...

480. You bought an Alfa from that man? It was just off the pavement.

481. I was pulling out of the car park at the Royal Shakespeare Company

482. where I'd been working for a couple of years.

483. I put my foot to the brake, it went straight to the floor. No, no!

484. I just rolled out straight across the road,

485. bang into the opposite wall.

486. Normally, the Alfa Romeo prevents that happening by breaking down

487. on the way TO the Royal Shakespeare Company.

488. So if you'd gone through the woe and the misery of a very, very unreliable car,

489. presumably your next one was more sensible, more reliable?

490. It was a TVR. There you go.

491. Which one? The Chimaera.

492. TVR stands for Total Vehicle Reliability.

493. It's amazing fun, though, the TVR, when you get it going

494. and you throw it around the country lanes.

495. I thought you were a bike man more than cars.

496. I do, well, I have had motorbikes.

497. I went and got my test and then totally fell in love

498. with the ultimate hairdresser's chopper bike.

499. Which was the Yamaha Virago 1,000cc high-handlebarred...

500. An Easy Rider bike! Chopper. Easy Rider. Quite.

501. Did you never fall off a bike?

502. That's what would stop me getting on one, the terrible pain that would result. No idea.

503. I had a couple of prangs

504. and then I had a bad one just outside Pentonville Prison

505. on the Caledonian Road when a cabbie pulled out

506. and I just went straight into his windscreen.

507. And I was out cold,

508. woke up in a sort of cinematic cliche of a circle of faces

509. as I came to. And also to feel this really hard grip on my wrist.

510. That's the first thing I remember, just thinking,

511. "That doesn't feel good. Someone's really holding onto me tight."

512. Turned out the guy who was in the back of the taxi was a male nurse

513. from the Royal Free Hospital who'd taken a taxi because he was pissed.

514. He then said to me later,

515. he said, "It was good I managed to get you into the recovery position."

516. I said, "Yeah, but why were you holding onto my wrists so hard?"

517. He said, "Because I couldn't tell if you were actually dying

518. "or if I was just too pissed I couldn't find your pulse!"

519. So it was just like... My God, come back! Holding onto me.

520. Normally, these days, when people have accidents,

521. the first thing they see is somebody videoing them.

522. That is today's version, isn't it? It is today's version. Ten iPhones. Yeah, exactly.

523. Now, obviously, you came here to do your lap. Yes. Which wasn't easy.

524. The sight that greeted us this morning...

525. let's have a look at the pictures we've got. This is our track.

526. That is what... Yeah. With light sleet.

527. So, realistically, you were never going to set the fastest time.

528. You know, it's quite nerve-wracking coming to do this for the first time.

529. You think, what's my limit?

530. At what point do I just follow through a bit, you know?

531. And will that be on the first corner?

532. And when I saw the weather, it was oddly relaxing.

533. You were thinking, now I can't win, so it doesn't matter?

534. Yeah, then I thought...

535. Then everyone was going, it's going to be great fun, it's quite icy out there,

536. you'll be able to lose the back end and throw it around a bit.

537. I was going, how do you know I'm going to be able to do any of that?

538. Well, who'd like to see him doing a bit of that?

539. Yes!

540. These are some of the practice laps. Let's just run the tape here.

541. Now, this is the follow-through. The fastest part, that's pretty ballsy.

542. And...

543. I wouldn't want to go off there, because it's pretty fast.

544. Second to last corner, yep.

545. Well held!

546. Is it well held? Yes, it is well held!

547. And that one is...?

548. I do like your determination to keep going. Because of the camera!

549. More rally driving, I think, today. Very good, though.

550. Eventually, you did manage to get a lap in. Yes.

551. Who here would like to see that? Yes! Let's go.

552. And they're off!

553. Determined.

554. Coming up to the first corner, just wet there,

555. nothing much to worry about.

556. Now there's something to worry about!

557. Ooh. That's slightly scary when the back does that.

558. Keep it on the throttle, Damo!

559. Look at that!

560. Change gear now. Now!

561. Braking's not easy into the Hammerhead at the best of times.

562. In those conditions...

563. Ooh, a dab of handbrake!

564. I see a dab of handbrake and a bit of under... Change gear!

565. The Skandi flick. I believe. It was a Skandi flick.

566. No racing driver should have to put his windscreen wipers on. Do you know what I mean?

567. When they're rallying, that is quite normal.

568. I wouldn't want to be going over there at anything more...

569. Can he make it all the way through the tyres?

570. Yup!

571. Back into the fast bit. Now, can he get to the second last corner right?

572. Yes... No!

573. Yes!

574. Into Gambon. Looking good.

575. Oh, no! No!

576. That was a lot of fun. That was tremendous!

577. That does look like a lot of fun. It was a lot of fun. It was terrific.

578. So where do you think you've come?

579. So far, the slowest man we've ever had round here was John Prescott.

580. In a 1.56.7. Yes.

581. Damian Lewis, you did it in...

582. Two minutes...

583. .. nine seconds...

584. .. point one!

585. But...

586. Should we have a separate board for snow?

587. So I think you're the fastest person we've ever had in the snow.

588. So we'll put you up there.

589. It's good!

590. I have to say, actually... Great.

591. I do have to say, that is the slowest lap we've ever had.

592. But, and I'm sure everyone will agree with me on this,

593. by far and away the most entertaining.

594. Ladies and gentlemen, Damian Lewis!

595. Now, so far in this programme,

596. James has been rallying in a £150,000 Bentley,

597. and I've raced around our track in an £800,000 Pagani.

598. So someone's got to bring it all back down to earth.

599. Yes, and unfortunately that person is Jeremy.

600. Yes, as usual, it falls to me to be the voice of reason and common sense.

601. With this, the Peel P50, the smallest car ever made.

602. Until now. Because I have created, behold, this!

603. Now, I know. I know.

604. Incredulity is often the first response.

605. But let me talk you through it.

606. Because underneath the handcrafted aluminium bodywork,

607. you have the engine and the running gear from a quad bike.

608. But you will note it has lights and indicators and a number plate.

609. It's passed all the Government tests,

610. which means you can drive it on the road.

611. Are you seriously suggesting that that is an actual car?

612. I promise it's a real car. What's it called? Ah! Well, that's brilliant.

613. Because it's shorter and narrower than a Peel P50,

614. I've called it the P45.

615. Now I'm going to test it.

616. What, you're going to test a car that you built? Yes.

617. So what are we going to do next week? VW tests its new Golf?

618. Shut up! I'm going to be completely unbiased, as you shall see.

619. I began on the track.

620. And having determined very quickly that the P45 was exquisite in every way,

621. I took it onto the public highway.

622. I should make it plain this is Base I model that I'm driving now,

623. but there are some optional extras.

624. Urgh! Nothing wrong.

625. Edit that out.

626. There is, for instance,

627. the deluxe wash wipe option which costs just £1.99.

628. Good.

629. And also, for just £500, this does come with satellite navigation.

630. There's the sat nav. You see?

631. You just hold it up and see where you're going.

632. The P45 is designed to deal with all eventualities.

633. I'm relaxed.

634. So, I decided to join the main road.

635. Yes, look at this! Look at this! Very brilliant.

636. Oh! Oh my God!

637. If you're watching this in the edit, make sure that doesn't go on television.

638. I don't want people thinking it's a death trap.

639. It happened again! Edit that out as well.

640. I can't believe how quiet the roads are this morning.

641. I'm barely seeing any traffic at all.

642. As I neared Guildford, I did find a jam,

643. but this was no problem for the super-narrow P45.

644. The speed machine is coming through!

645. Ah! Oh! Oh! Nothing wrong!

646. Oh, yes!

647. This is incredible. Ladies and gentlemen,

648. you are witnessing the birth of the future.

649. I'm just staggered that Ford, General Motors, Toyota,

650. all the automotive giants, haven't thought to make a car like this.

651. And yet, a poky little motoring show on BBC...

652. Ow!

653. This is the way to drive the P45, with your face on the windscreen,

654. then it can't smash into it.

655. So, for local commuting, my car is faultless.

656. But what if you want to go further afield?

657. To find out, I pulled into a petrol station

658. and without even getting out, I brimmed its tank.

659. Good.

660. Damn!

661. I only have a 1.7-litre fuel tank,

662. but the minimum delivery here is two litres.

663. Discreetly, I squirted the difference into a bin.

664. Then I fired up the two-stroke, 100cc engine

665. and set off to London.

666. Technically, I'm legally allowed to drive the P45 on motorways

667. and dual carriageways.

668. So to see how it gets on, I'm about to join the fearsome A3.

669. Here we go.

670. Ooh.

671. Aarghhh!

672. Arghh! I've never been frightened of a Citroen Picasso before

673. and I just was!

674. Aarghhh! A van!

675. Arghh! I've got a weave on!

676. Ohhh!

677. Oh, yes! Help me! HELP! HELP!

678. How fast is that now?

679. 34! Arghh! Lorry, lorry, lorry, lorry!

680. Ohhh! A lot of poo shot out then!

681. So while this may be completely legal,

682. it's also completely terrifying.

683. However, the advantage of a car this small is that

684. you don't have to take it on dual carriageways.

685. In fact, you don't have to use the main roads at all.

686. What you do instead is you drive it to the railway station,

687. but instead of leaving it in the car park to be vandalised and stolen,

688. you take it on the train with you.

689. Now, I will be honest.

690. None of the train companies we contacted would play ball,

691. so I'm using the coach instead.

692. Coach is good. Coach is better than a train.

693. Fewer diseases on a coach.

694. And of course, when you get to the big city,

695. you don't have to use the tube or the bus,

696. because you have your car WITH you.

697. Ah.

698. Oh, dear.

699. I don't think...

700. Ah.

701. Just cut the cameras.

702. In London, I went for a little drive.

703. Yes!

704. All sorts of hand signals available. If I want to go...

705. left, right, somebody annoys me.

706. And then I went shopping.

707. And with the P45, there's no need to pay.

708. Or waste time looking for a parking space.

709. Oh, dear.

710. Of course, a Peel P50 also fits in a lift,

711. but because it has no reverse gear, you can't back it out again.

712. Unless there's a newsreader to hand.

713. This, though, does have a reverse gear.

714. So... here we go.

715. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...

716. I know what you're thinking. There's no way you'd be allowed

717. to drive around here with a two-stroke engine

718. belching fumes into the faces of all the baby children.

719. But here's the thing.

720. The P45 is a hybrid.

721. So when you come inside, you can disconnect the petrol engine

722. and connect up a couple of electric motors.

723. A very simple job. You take off a wheel,

724. connect a free-wheeling hub...

725. It takes a couple of guys... minutes.

726. There are a couple of drawbacks.

727. Number one, the top speed is now 3mph.

728. Number two, the batteries will only last an hour.

729. But I'm a man and I can't think of any shopping expedition

730. that could possibly take longer than that.

731. Shoes, I've got some, I don't need any of those.

732. I've got a chair.

733. There's nothing I want to buy.

734. Eventually, I bought a present for James.

735. Then I decided to find out just how quiet my car is

736. in electric mode,

737. so I took it here.

738. This is extraordinary.

739. Nobody's looking up. Nobody's noticing me.

740. The only trouble is that libraries are more interesting

741. than shopping centres.

742. Whoa. History Of Germany.

743. Can't be that big just to say, "We lost a lot."

744. An hour simply flew by.

745. Get out of the way, student.

746. Soon, the batteries were flat.

747. Oh, no.

748. Now, if this were a Peel P50, I could simply pick it up

749. and carry it out.

750. But I'm afraid the P45 is a bit heavier.

751. A lot heavier. Weighs a tonne.

752. There's only one thing for it.

753. This is so embarrassing.

754. Sorry. Sorry, everybody. I'm so sorry. Really, I'm so sorry.

755. That night, I was due to go to a show.

756. Oh, yes!

757. Stupid idiot!

758. And as I was running late, I decided to take a short cut.

759. Look here. "Cyclists not allowed."

760. Good.

761. I'm not a cyclist, so here I come.

762. Hello...

763. Come on. Quickly...

764. I'm really sorry.

765. 'Soon, I was in the West End...'

766. Arghh!

767. '.. and nearing the theatre.'

768. This is the joy of a P45.

769. Everything is a drive-through.

770. Hello. One, please.

771. Thank you very much.

772. Ooh...

773. There you go.

774. The show was ace!

775. Not a single gay man on that stage.

776. However, my seating arrangements were a bit cramped.

777. Oh, no! Cut! Cut!

778. The next morning, it was clear to me that the P45

779. was completely excellent, but would it make commercial sense

780. to put it into production?

781. To find out, I'd set up an important business meeting.

782. To make sure I look my best, I'm wearing a suit, as you can see.

783. I've washed my hair and now I'm going to give the car

784. a wash and brush-up as well.

785. Now, here we go. Yes.

786. Arghh! It's not warm! It's extremely cold!

787. Oh, yes! People pay many pounds for this in countries...

788. Oh, it's gone quite badly.

789. What's happened here? A terrible thing has happened.

790. A bad thing has happened.

791. I've got completely wedged.

792. With the P45 untangled, I headed off to my big business meeting.

793. First of all, I'd like to apologise for my... wet sleeves

794. and my bloodshot eye - I got soap in it.

795. We'll gloss over that.

796. Right, erm... Cars are getting bigger, these days.

797. I've got a picture of an original Ford Cortina,

798. which I'm sure you won't remember, Deborah!

799. And the modern Mondeo, which is bigger.

800. And it's the same story with the Golf and the same story

801. with the Fiesta, and it's ridiculous

802. when we live in a country as cramped and overcrowded as ours.

803. So cars should be getting smaller.

804. And that is where this comes in.

805. This is my creation.

806. The P45.

807. The idea is you can drive this to a railway station

808. and then you pop it on a train or a coach,

809. go to the next city and you can use it there as well.

810. It's road legal...

811. Can I make sure, cos I might have missed something?

812. You started off apologising why your arms were wet

813. and then didn't explain why.

814. Because they've got water on them.

815. I actually do travel back and forth from the West Country on the train.

816. You say you can take that with you.

817. That looks quite big to get on a train.

818. That's because train companies put seats in their carriages,

819. which they needn't do with this.

820. If you just produced a carriage, you could drive in and sit there.

821. Hold on a minute. At the moment, you can't get it on a train?

822. Not as such. No. So you've got to rely on the train companies

823. redesigning their trains for you to get this on the train?

824. Well, redesigning is quite easy - you just take the seats out.

825. OK. I, erm...

826. Jeremy, is this your first business venture?

827. Yes.

828. What would it cost to have one of these on the road?

829. £8,000. £8,000?

830. What would you make them for? It'll cost £4,000 to build.

831. By children or will you get adults?

832. Can you really get children to work in a factory?

833. Cos that would be brilliant if you could.

834. Jeremy has asked if he could get children

835. to work in a factory.

836. You must come and have a look.

837. Theo Paphitis decides to take a closer look.

838. Jeremy. It's shit. It isn't!

839. It is. Total and utter shit.

840. Theo Paphitis thinks Jeremy's car still needs work.

841. I don't understand why you're not seeing what I'm seeing here.

842. We are, Jeremy.

843. I can see exactly what you're looking at.

844. It's just that I can see that it's loopy and you can't.

845. How much of YOUR money have you invested in this? None at all.

846. That is the best thing that you've done yet.

847. Do you have a plan? Do you have any idea of the size of the market,

848. how you're going to sell it to that market?

849. Yes. So, size of the market?

850. 1,600 a month.

851. 1,600 a month? Or a year.

852. Well, Jeremy. I'm going to make you an offer.

853. That's the ticket!

854. £1 for 1%.

855. Why would anybody buy this?

856. It's got stripes on it. I couldn't invest in you.

857. I'm sorry. I'm out.

858. Jeremy, I have to say one thing.

859. It is the smartest I've ever seen you.

860. So congratulations for that.

861. You've made, clearly, a real effort.

862. However, I can't invest in ridiculous things.

863. So on that basis, Jeremy, I'm going to have to tell you I'm out.

864. Jeremy, it's rubbish. It's useless.

865. You're wasting your time.

866. I can't invest in this. So I'm out.

867. Theo Paphitis is out, which means Jeremy's only chance

868. is Duncan Bannatyne.

869. Well, Jeremy.

870. I'm the last Dragon in. I tried to tempt them

871. by making an offer, hoping they would come in with me.

872. Sorry, I can't understand a word you're saying.

873. That is... I'm out.

874. Jeremy has insulted Duncan Bannatyne,

875. and now he too is out.

876. All the Dragons have given him his P45.

877. Well, I'm sorry...

878. I'm unbowed by their negativity.

879. How can they not realise this is a car you NEVER need to park?

880. You can go to the theatre in it, shopping, your arms are free

881. so you can reach things from the shelves.

882. You never need get out of it.

883. Which is ironic, because the first thing anyone will want to do

884. on getting in, is get out of it.

885. And it's a death trap.

886. I feel like Vincent van Gogh.

887. You've only got one ear? No. Nobody recognised his genius

888. until AFTER he died.

889. So what you're saying is, for this to be a commercial success,

890. you have to be dead?

891. Yes.

892. And on that bombshell, it is time to end.

893. Thank you for watching. They'll see you next week. Good night!