Top Gear 18x7

1. Tonight, Raikkonen... Oops.

2. Evans... Can't believe it.

3. Slash...

4. and bash, as we do proper motor racing.

5. Hello and welcome to the playground.

6. Welcome, everybody. Thank you.

7. Thank you so much.

8. Now, we begin with the BMW M5.

9. For the last 25 years, it has been the best fast saloon.

10. Erm, which is a bit of a problem for BMW every time they replace it,

11. as Richard Hammond shall now explain.

12. This is the outgoing M5 in action and, straightaway,

13. you can see the problem.

14. It's brilliant.

15. Big, 500 horsepower, V10 upfront,

16. naturally aspirated,

17. it's just distilled essence of single-malt driving pleasure.

18. And that gives BMW a problem much like that faced by the makers of Die Hard 4,

19. or of Cheryl Cole's 2011 calendar.

20. This is a personal analogy, but it works for me.

21. The problem is this... where to go next?

22. Well, this is where they've gone the next. It's the brand-new M5.

23. It costs £73,000 and, on paper,

24. it sounds like a much tamer beast.

25. For starters, the magnificent V10

26. has been replaced by a more polar bear-friendly V8.

27. When you're driving along, you can certainly hear it.

28. But then you would as it's fitted with a system

29. piping a synthesised version

30. of the exhaust note through the stereo.

31. That's kind of cheating, isn't it?

32. Thanks to additions like the seven-speed double-clutch gearbox,

33. this new M5 now weighs 90 kilograms more than the old one.

34. At first glance, then, it seems like the M5's

35. rock 'n' roll days are over.

36. Oh, dear.

37. I seem to have accidentally pulled up alongside the old M5,

38. for what looks like the makings of a drag race.

39. Yeah, there's a man in a white coat and everything.

40. Three, two, one, go!

41. Yeah, this is probably a good time to tell you more about that V8.

42. It's got two turbos which gives it 552 brake horsepower,

43. 52 more than the V10,

44. and more torque.

45. A lot more torque.

46. And it's quick!

47. Ya-hah-ha!

48. Had you worried for a moment, then!

49. More firepower in the engine bay

50. is just the first piece of good news.

51. In the old M5, you got a techno-overload

52. of 11 gearshift settings.

53. In the new one, it's a more sensible three.

54. And, with that new twin-clutch gearbox,

55. the shifts are so fast, the gap between them

56. can't even be measured. That's good,

57. But it's not as good as the way this car simply devours corners.

58. Unlike Porsche, with their new 911, BMW has not gone for electric

59. steering, but instead stuck with old-fashioned hydraulics.

60. And it's so much better for it. There's much more of that feedback.

61. It actually lets you know which way the front wheels are pointing.

62. With these settings in full track mode, you can smoke all day long.

63. And, when you've had enough of that,

64. at the touch of a button, it becomes a completely different car.

65. The old one was always a bit, you know, "Grr-argh",

66. always straining at the leash.

67. But this one, it can be a proper lunatic M5.

68. Or a soothing companion when you just want to drive along the M5.

69. See, the motorway? The M...

70. It's also more economical.

71. It has a bigger fuel tank so it can go harder for longer,

72. and then there's the ride.

73. It's really, really good, comfortable.

74. There's no stupid rock-hard run flat tyres.

75. It feels better than a normal five series.

76. The new M5, then, is not only better than the old one,

77. I'd say that, as an all-rounder,

78. it's actually the best car in the world right now.

79. And, in some ways, it reminds me of this...

80. The BMW M1.

81. In 1984, BMW actually took the engine out of that

82. and put it in a five series

83. and the original M5 was born.

84. The point is the M1 was the first supercar

85. that could also be civilised in the real world.

86. And that's what they've done here.

87. Meet the new boss, same as the old, old boss.

88. I see what you did there. It's a heck of a thing!

89. I have to say, that car... I drove it the other day... is epic.

90. It is amazing. Phenomenal car. You like the M5, as well, don't you? Yep.

91. The only problem with it is that in the past,

92. an M5 was worth it because it was

93. so much better than an ordinary five series but the normal five

94. series now is so good, it's hard to justify spending the extra.

95. Well, you're quite right. Have you driven the 530 diesel?

96. It's stupendously good.

97. And it's £30,000 less than an M5 and it's an almost completely perfect car.

98. Did you know that in the diesel, if you're careful,

99. you can go almost 1,000 miles on one tank full of fuel.

100. That's all you want. 1,000 miles. God! How old are you two?

101. Well, I haven't spent the last 10 years being 38, unlike some people I know.

102. I like 38. It's a nice age. I'm going to do it again this year.

103. Hammond, we don't have time to cut you in half

104. to see how old you are cos we've got a very busy show.

105. We also don't have time, I'm afraid, to show you The Stig going

106. round in the M5 but we can tell you he did it in a 1.29.2.

107. Pouring with rain, meaningless time.

108. So what we'll do is move on, swiftly, and do the news.

109. Yes. And we begin with this.

110. If you drive a car without a windscreen at 50 miles an hour,

111. your face looks like this.

112. We established this very clearly, last week.

113. Now, if you take the speed up to 80, your face becomes this.

114. So can you begin to imagine what your face would look like

115. if you were to drive one of these?

116. Inside out, I should imagine.

117. This is the 217mph concept at the moment... Lamborghini Aventador J.

118. Has no windscreen, has no roof, and I can only imagine, Hammond,

119. that if you were to drive that, your face would end up like that.

120. I don't know why you're laughing, James,

121. because I've done research. Have you? Your face'd look like this.

122. Let's move on.

123. The government is holding a big summit to try

124. and find out how to prevent sat navs accidentally steering people into fields and canals and railways.

125. Yeah, always reading about them. Heard this discussed on the news and one bloke had

126. contacted them to say, "I was using my sat nav, driving along in my car,

127. "concentrating, when I drove down a ramp, past a lifeboat into the sea."

128. Well, clearly, you weren't concentrating

129. because you drove into the sea.

130. The government summit just needs to say,

131. "If you allow your sat nav to steer you into a field, or the sea, or a nun,

132. "it's your fault because you're a blithering idiot."

133. Yes. You're so right. It cannot be the sat nav's fault. It isn't.

134. A friend of mine lives in Knightsbridge, in the middle of London,

135. wanted to go and see Chelsea play at Stamford Bridge,

136. put Stamford Bridge into the sat nav

137. and only realised something was wrong while going past Peterborough on the A1,

138. on the way to the TOWN of Stamford Bridge, rather than the big football ground.

139. How daft d'you to be to do that? It's only a mile down the road.

140. How thick do you have to be to believe what the digital

141. pretend woman on the dashboard says over what you can actually see out of the window?

142. I mean, the sea, for example, it's big, it's blue, the top of it

143. wobbles around and isn't suitable for motor vehicles. Don't drive into it.

144. Now, pay attention, everybody. Are you Mario Balotelli or Wayne Rooney?

145. Or that ginger one... Paul Scholes.

146. Does your downstairs lavatory look like this?

147. Nice.

148. Anyway, if your downstairs loo looks like this and you're a premiership footballer...

149. good news, because Bentley has made a new 4x4.

150. Here it is.

151. Oww!

152. It is just a concept at the moment and it is hideous and disgusting! Look at it.

153. Did he step away from his design and go, "Yes, that's exactly what I wanted"?

154. He must, at some point, said, "Yeah, that's my days work done. I'm going home."

155. Does anybody here like that?

156. What? Yes? Seriously?

157. That's because you're sitting behind the television and you can't see it.

158. You see, it's not there. It's here. Look. Seriously?

159. Yeah, I like that. Do you have, in your house, those pillars either

160. side of the front door like a clang-clang-clang when you hit it? No, but I'd like them.

161. Have you got two fake stone lions on either side of the gates? No, I'd like them as well.

162. This is My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding being played out

163. right here, right now. What's going on? And there's the car.

164. The only way is Cheshire. There you go.

165. Moving it along, a couple of weeks ago, there was a report

166. that said the flashing blue lights on police cars were too bright

167. and causing accidents because they disorientated motorists. That's as may be.

168. I have more of a beef with police car sirens.

169. Too loud. Eh? Massively too loud.

170. I think I live in a police siren testing area.

171. Four o'clock every morning, "Sarge, can I borrow the Astra

172. "and make sure the siren works?" "Go to Holland Park.

173. "Bring the Fire Brigade, ambulance."

174. Are you two seriously suggesting that emergency sirens are too loud?

175. They are. Yes. Definitely. They have to be loud

176. because they warn people to get out of the way. They need to hear it.

177. The people in front, but you don't need to know three miles away.

178. You don't. For people in front, it would be OK

179. if they'd just had a little bell that went ding-aling...

180. What's the point of waking me up in the middle...?

181. I can't move my house out of the ambulance's way.

182. They're not using the siren... They don't care about you at that time.

183. They care about people in the way in a traffic jam. "Get out of the way! Wake up James May, doesn't matter."

184. I'm becoming increasingly fed up of the way you drive up to London,

185. from your house in Wales, tell us how to live and then drive back again.

186. We have to live there. Well, I don't live there, but stay there,

187. and it's noisy and it's stupid. We don't come down and tell you lot to stop hanging witches.

188. I've just been passed this. At the back, everybody, can you hear this?

189. Yes.

190. Clear as, quite literally, a bell.

191. That's for starting playtime, not sounding an emergency!

192. He can hear it! I'm in a burning building...

193. I bet in Ross on Wye they do use it.

194. I bet they have a cowbell and go, "Dang-dan, Hammond's barn's on fire.

195. "Send a child down the well. Dan-dang."

196. You get on with your thing. Stop complaining others are in the city with you.

197. Ooh, now, next weekend, Formula 1 returns

198. and the big news is that one of the old guard is back.

199. But, before that he's here. Ladies and gentlemen, Kimi Raikkonen!

200. Mate, have a seat.

201. So, there we go.

202. Back in Formula 1.

203. How does it feel? How does it feel to be back?

204. Very normal. I mean, the cars are same. The people are the same.

205. Same story.

206. I just want to clear up, you're racing for...

207. because I'm a bit lost with Lotus... you're racing for Lotus Renault?

208. Er, yeah.

209. That's what it says on there.

210. Yeah, Lotus Renault but there's another Lotus.

211. You've got Lotus that make cars in Turnipshire

212. but that's got nothing to do with this.

213. No, I think the Lotus is just the sponsor.

214. So, is it a Renault?

215. No, it's...

216. You don't know who you're racing for, do you?

217. It's Renault factory built, so... And you're sponsored by an anti-dandruff product.

218. Is that good? Seems to be working.

219. Maybe you should try.

220. Could be worse, could be Anusol.

221. Now, I have to say, I sincerely hope your return is successful.

222. Really, genuinely, I do,

223. because I love it when you're in the post-race press conference

224. and they ask those big, long, convoluted questions,

225. "So, in the third corner you came up the outside, then you jinked left,

226. "then right and then you went on the inside, what happened?" And you just go, "That."

227. Yeah. I mean, you can make it very complicated to answer

228. but then you can also be straight

229. and tell the true story, so usually it's much more easier.

230. Is it a Finnish thing to be economical with words?

231. I think there are a lot of different people in Finland, like they can tell

232. the long way or the short way, but for me it's easier to say the short way.

233. I've got some of my favourite ones, actually. There was the famous one

234. when Michael Schumacher got his lifetime achievement thing in Brazil, from Pele,

235. and Martin Brundle said, "Did you see the ceremony?" You said no because...

236. I was busy.

237. "Taking a dump," is what you said.

238. I mean, I told the truth, a true story, so...

239. I fell off my chair laughing!

240. I like this one. "The helmet has a special meaning for many drivers.

241. "How important is it to you?" You said, "It protects my head."

242. I quite like... someone asked you, "What do you think of the Abu Dhabi circuit?"

243. Um...

244. You said, "The first few turns are good, but the rest of it is BLEEP."

245. It's true the last part is not very good. It's very twisty.

246. It's catastrophically boring to watch cars race round there, from our point of view.

247. I think it's many other circuits also. It's not just that.

248. No, there are a lot. You start in Australia, don't you? Yeah.

249. And that's next weekend. Yes. How will you get on? Good?

250. We hope. I mean, I don't know, nobody knows where everybody is.

251. It's a bit complicated to say from testing, but we will see one week

252. and, hopefully... I think our car's not too bad.

253. The car is not too bad?

254. Yeah. Have you been hard at work training to come back?

255. Um, a little bit more time than normal, but it should be OK.

256. Have you given up drinking? No.

257. Actually, did you meet The Stig today? Yeah.

258. Do you realise you're his hero? Yeah? Did he say?

259. He didn't speak a lot. I think his work would be perfect for me.

260. No need to speak, just drive around in different cars. You didn't speak to each other?

261. A little bit. He did speak to me.

262. He said, "I've always really liked Kimi Raikkonen,"

263. and he met you once before. Oh, yeah?

264. Well, he wasn't drinking in a bar, but he was in Monaco

265. standing in a bar and then somebody collapsed, drunk, on his feet.

266. Yeah? It was me. Yeah.

267. He looked down and went, "Oh, it's my hero."

268. Hopefully, he'll help me, then, huh?

269. I've always wanted to check this out. Before your very first race,

270. your very first race, is it true you were found in your motor home

271. 30 minutes before the race fast asleep?

272. Er, not in the motorhome.

273. It was in Australia so we had just small boxes there.

274. But you were asleep? Yeah, under the table. I found a nice place.

275. It's normal. I always sleep before the race.

276. Usually there is a little bit of time to relax. Really?

277. Yeah. I like sleeping.

278. Was it before the Ferrari race that you entered a snowmobile race in Finland?

279. Yeah, I think it was 2007. I've been a few times in the race.

280. Do Ferrari let you do snowmobile racing? I didn't really ask, but I guess...

281. You have a very strict contract, but as long as you don't get hurt too badly.

282. Talking of which, show me your arm.

283. No, undo your shirt. It's OK. This is...

284. What's that? It's a scar. What from?

285. Um... Some snowmobile, I think.

286. And that was recent?

287. Yeah, it was before Christmas I hurt it a little bit

288. but I had a good doctor to fix it. Let's have a look.

289. That is big. Did you break it?

290. A little bit. A little bit broken?

291. Anyway, obviously, you came down here to try it. Yeah.

292. I have to say the Suzuki Liana, the Formula 1 car,

293. the old reasonably priced car, how was it?

294. It was better than I expected, so...

295. I mean, it wasn't too bad.

296. It was quite wet so it was slippery and I got a bit sideways a few times but it was good fun.

297. Who'd like to see Kimi out there having fun in our Liana?

298. - Yeah! - Let's have a look. Here we go.

299. Yep, that has begun. There was a nice helicopter on our left.

300. Well, I think you've covered everything there.

301. There you go. That's the line we like to see from Formula 1 drivers,

302. very wide.

303. Oh, that's just perfectly judged.

304. Maybe it was luck.

305. Oops.

306. You see?

307. You don't need any more than "oops", although it is a surprise

308. to see a Formula 1 driver cocking up a gear change.

309. Actually, you don't have to change gear in Formula 1.

310. It's much easier. It is.

311. It's not a bad car to drive in, then.

312. You should be a road tester on Top Gear. "And now back to the studio."

313. We don't need to say any more than that.

314. Hammond rabbiting on earlier about the M5. What's the point?

315. Here we go, second-to-last corner.

316. Unlike most of the guests, you held it on the track, round Gambon

317. and there we are, everyone, across the line.

318. Ho-ho!

319. Now, these are the peeps from Formula 1 who have tried it before.

320. Sebastien, your badminton partner, I understand.

321. Yeah, at least I can beat him in badminton. Can you beat him in badminton? Yeah, every time.

322. It's good to know someone can beat him at something. Yeah.

323. Our fastest wet lap is Lewis, 1.44.7.

324. It's actually only mildly moist. OK.

325. Proper wet, it's probably Jenson Button.

326. No, it was Webber, I've just been told.

327. I hope I will be in top 10. Top 10? Yeah.

328. Somewhere there. You're going to make it.

329. That's my prediction. I've got the time here.

330. Kimi Raikkonen, you did it in...

331. What was Webber? The only really wet one? 1.47.1.

332. You did it in...

333. One...

334. 40...

335. Six, one.

336. Oh, I haven't put the W on. I've got to put the W on.

337. It looks better now. It does, we'll remember that.

338. Well, Kimi, huge pleasure to have you here.

339. Huge pleasure to have you back in Formula 1.

340. Very, very best of luck with the season.

341. Ladies and gentlemen, Kimi Raikkonen!

342. Now, you may remember that a while back, Chris Evans out of Radio 2

343. spent five and a half million of his pounds

344. on a very rare Ferrari 250GT California Spyder,

345. One of only 56 ever made.

346. When I was a boy, this was always my favourite of the classic Ferraris.

347. I've always wanted to drive one.

348. This is Chris's garage,

349. a place where his mostly white collection of Ferraris,

350. including an F40, a Dino and a 288GTO,

351. is pampered and entertained.

352. Why did you choose white? It's a big decision once you've chosen white...

353. They were all going to be different colours

354. but we couldn't figure which colour to paint the Dino.

355. So we said, "Let's paint the Dino white."

356. The Dino was the first finished, it looked so good in white, we said,

357. "What the hey! Let's do them all white."

358. 'When I'd listened politely for a well-mannered amount of time...'

359. It's got the nod to the GTO. Mm. 250 short wheelbase.

360. '..I got to the real reason for my visit.'

361. Where's the California?

362. It's over there. Can we see it?

363. I must take my shoes off to go through? Absolutely.

364. Come on. Sort it out.

365. I've never, ever been asked to take my shoes off in a garage before.

366. Oh, look at that!

367. Oh, man!

368. May I? Yeah, course.

369. Oh! Ho-ho ho!

370. Wow!

371. Can I have a go?

372. What do you mean?

373. Huh? What do you mean?

374. Can I... can I drive it?

375. What, out of here? Yeah.

376. It is me. If it was Pinky or Perky,

377. I could understand your reticence, but I'm a...

378. Can't I? Chris, I've waited all my life just to stand next to one of these.

379. I know it was expensive. Oh, God.

380. But I won't ever get another chance.

381. Take it out, be careful... Of course.

382. Avoid standing water. I do this in my Fiat Panda. Yeah, I'm sure.

383. You know, just be careful with it.

384. Of course I'll be careful. All right. Thank you. Yeah.

385. I appreciate it.

386. Before I set out, Chris insisted we put the roof up, in case it rained.

387. That doesn't really work, does it?

388. Well, that doesn't work at all. Oh, no! How much was it? Oh, God!

389. With the roof abandoned, I set off in one of the world's rarest cars,

390. already starting to wish that Chris had said no.

391. Right, there is a car coming.

392. It's a long way off, but this could cut out, you never know.

393. It's an old car, so let's just hold back.

394. Go, go, go!

395. Right, I'm on real roads, with real cars.

396. Those people might be trying to send a text.

397. Those people over there may have been drinking.

398. This is a fantastic moment

399. in my driving life, but it is rather being spoiled

400. by the thought of £5.6 million.

401. It's a bit like being given an original Rembrandt

402. and then being told to take it down the pub on Friday night.

403. Now, I can't honestly say I'm enjoying it.

404. Don't reverse.

405. Get off the phone.

406. Oh, God! Not here.

407. Oh, don't say you want to go backwards.

408. Steady, steady.

409. Thank you.

410. I think I'm going to get away.

411. Yes, freedom!

412. 'And then things got slightly worse.'

413. Be careful of the car, it's very valuable. Mind the car.

414. Stay away from the car.

415. 'Those pesky kids were the last straw,

416. 'so I went and hid, in Windsor Park.'

417. And... relax!

418. Right, the Ferrari 250 GT California,

419. what is all the fuss about?

420. Well, besides the fact that it's rare, the California has always

421. been one of the most desirable Ferraris, built to allow

422. wealthy West Coast Americans to soak up their sunshine.

423. This car, for example, belonged to the film star James Coburn,

424. who kept it for 23 years.

425. Coburn was one of Hollywood's petrol-head elite,

426. along with Steve McQueen. In fact, it was Steve McQueen

427. who persuaded Coburn to buy it from a Belgian dealership

428. while they were filming The Great Escape together.

429. The other reason this car is part of automotive royalty

430. is quite simply because of its astonishing beauty.

431. It was built by Ferrari's favourite metalworker,

432. Sergio Scalietti, who never really bothered with drawings,

433. but beat out the panels using an artist's eye and a craftsman's hand.

434. That's why it's said

435. that no two Californias are exactly alike.

436. But putting all the romance and history to one side for a moment,

437. what's this car like to drive?

438. It's fantastic!

439. Yes, it is! Come on!

440. You can tell it's an old Ferrari. The steering wheel is enormous.

441. The driving position is ridiculous.

442. The pedals are actually over near that tree somewhere,

443. but it's lovely. It's so special.

444. I can actually feel the wood on the steering wheel

445. flexing slightly as we go over bumps.

446. Its 3-litre V12 produces just 280 horsepower,

447. and 0-60 takes around 8 seconds.

448. Slow by modern Ferrari standards, but that's not the point.

449. Cars like this, the performance is not about the figures.

450. It's about the nature of the delivery.

451. You get it above about 3,500 rpm...

452. I'll drop it down so you can see what I mean.

453. California!

454. I don't want to get emotional,

455. but this is the realisation of a childhood dream.

456. When I was seven or eight years old,

457. I looked at pictures of this car and I thought, "I wonder

458. "if I will ever drive a Ferrari 250 GT California," and here I am.

459. It's absolutely magical.

460. I've met my hero, and I'm not disappointed.

461. Really, it was time to give Chris's car back.

462. But since he works on a breakfast show,

463. I reckoned he'd be in bed early

464. and he wouldn't miss it for a bit longer.

465. It's close, I agree it's close, but I still think it's that.

466. I still can't believe he let you drive that car.

467. Well, why not? Because as we learned from Monopoly, you are a liar

468. and a cheat.

469. You brought the bank down. Yes, you are Sir Fred May.

470. You should be made to hand back that honorary doctorate.

471. Now we know more about... Hammond, we don't have time

472. for any more arguing about Monopoly

473. because I need a Slash, and luckily, we've got one. He's over there!

474. Look who's here. How are you?

475. I'm OK.

476. Look at that!

477. Really here!

478. Have a seat. Have a seat.

479. Now, I think a lot of people would be surprised

480. to discover that you grew up in Stoke-on-Trent.

481. Yeah. I was born in Hampstead,

482. London, but lived in Stoke.

483. Stoke gets a bad rap, but it's a great place.

484. I went back there and played there,

485. did my first concert there, just last year.

486. This is with the new solo stuff? Yeah, it was great. We had a blast.

487. So you were in Los Angeles by the age of...

488. Six. Oh, so it was a very short time in Stoke?

489. Yeah. I am fascinated by one thing. Your mum is an African-American.

490. Uh-huh. She designs costumes for the likes of... or did design...

491. Joni Mitchell and David Bowie, yeah?

492. Your dad did album covers

493. for Neil Young, among others. Uh-huh.

494. Paint a picture, with these parents like they were,

495. of what it was like growing up in Los Angeles?

496. Basically, both my parents were hippies, both involved in music.

497. Everybody was an artist.

498. It was just a very Bohemian, very artistic, creative environment.

499. In that neighbourhood, there was Frank Zappa, Jim Morrison

500. and the Eagles, before they formed with Glenn Frey.

501. We had to watch Top Of The Pops, and you had them around your breakfast table.

502. That's deeply irritating to me.

503. Can I just ask,

504. did your mother do your outfits, since she's a costume designer?

505. Well, she did actually make me one of the coolest pairs of leather pants I ever had.

506. Why do you always wear leather trousers?

507. I've always just thought that they were cool-looking and, you know,

508. you can get away with not washing them

509. for long periods of time!

510. And the hat? What gave you the idea to wear Brunel's hat?

511. The hat came from when I was in the early days of Guns N' Roses.

512. I was walking around Melrose Avenue

513. in Los Angeles, looking for some clothes

514. because we had a show that night. I don't have any money,

515. so I'm just wandering around looking in windows and stuff,

516. and for some reason, I saw this in the window.

517. So I went in there and looked at it and tried it on

518. and it felt really cool, so I walked out of the store with it.

519. I figured I'd just say I forgot to pay for it or something.

520. You stole the hat? Yeah.

521. Then I went next door and stole a concho belt and cut it up and put it around the top.

522. You do know this show is shown in America? It's OK.

523. It was long enough ago that the statute's up by now.

524. So you're going to get away with the stolen hat.

525. There's some gossip we didn't know.

526. Slash wears stolen clothing. And you've got a new solo album out? Yeah.

527. Is that it? Yeah, this is the classic rock version of it.

528. It comes with this thing which is a fan pack

529. and it's a magazine filled with all kinds of stuff about myself and the band.

530. And that's the actual CD. And that's called Apocalyptic Love? Right.

531. It's a title of one of the songs, and it's basically a tongue-in-cheek thing

532. about sexual relations on the eve of the Apocalypse.

533. Well, you'd like to get one in before you...

534. Er, now, obviously you had a hard life

535. in Guns N' Roses, I would imagine. It was pretty edgy, yeah.

536. But these days,

537. am I right in thinking you're completely clean and completely off everything? For today, yeah.

538. Have you still got the snake collection?

539. I have one snake now. I used to have a vast collection,

540. upwards of 90 snakes

541. at any given time for a long while there.

542. And then just before London,

543. my oldest son was born, because they were all big constrictors

544. upwards of ten foot, I just had really cold feet

545. that we should probably get rid of all these snakes. We're having a boy...

546. Where's the baby? Yeah. Which one of you...?

547. That can happen.

548. Now, I'm sorry for taking up so much time talking about your rock 'n' roll lifestyle,

549. because I like that. But I know you're here to talk about cars

550. because you like them, you'll all be relieved to hear.

551. So what was your first car?

552. My first car that I paid for with my own money was a Honda CRX. No way!

553. I had a Honda CRX. Yeah.

554. It was fantastic. It was a cool-looking little car,

555. but eventually I gave it to my brother,

556. and then I got a 1966427 Corvette coupe.

557. The classic Corvette? Yeah, yeah.

558. That's a bit of a leap from a Honda CRX to a Corvette.

559. It's a great car. I did a couple of 360s on Sunset with that car

560. because it was so powerful.

561. I didn't know what I was doing when I first bought it.

562. What have you got now?

563. I have an Aston Martin. That's my favourite car.

564. Really? Ever since I was a little kid, James Bond...

565. But I could never afford one. You look so similar! Right.

566. When I got sober, my reward to myself was to buy an Aston Martin.

567. Which one did you get? I got a Vanquish last year that they had. Rotten gearbox, though. Yeah,

568. but it was a cool car for a while. I got a lot of tickets in that car.

569. Then I traded that for the DBS, which I had for a while. But then I saw

570. the V12 Vantage and thought, "I got to have one of those",

571. so I traded the DBS. So you traded a DBS

572. for a V12, and which do you think is better?

573. I have more fun in the V12 Vantage.

574. Really? The Vantage is just a little bit smaller and because that engine's so big,

575. it just makes it that much scarier a car.

576. So, your lap... how was it out there?

577. It was actually pretty tricky when I first got out.

578. I mean, the way your track's laid out, it's like it's not really there.

579. It's sort of made up.

580. Are you sure you're sober? No, I mean it's... It's the grey bit.

581. Green, grey. I know, but it's got all kinds of turns and stuff

582. that are sort of pencilled in.

583. Who would like to see Slash's lap?

584. I would. Yeah! Here it is.

585. I was petrified. Let's have a look.

586. Look at that Kia go!

587. Goddammit! BLEEP.

588. You could just say "oops".

589. We know that from Kimi. Ooh, I say!

590. Now, that's stately. Silent.

591. The wild man of rock.

592. All right, brake on this one.

593. Braking for Chicago and driving round the corner in a brown car.

594. Right, let's not BLEEP this up.

595. Now, sometimes when a car looks slow, it can be fast,

596. but I've got a sneaking suspicion

597. that this looks slow because it sort of is.

598. Pretty slow.

599. This guy's got a lot of balls.

600. I think you're referring to our cameraman who just stands there.

601. He does, yeah. I know, he does it everywhere.

602. Somebody'll get him one day.

603. Right, how are we doing there?

604. Oop! Yeah, braking. This is the hardest part of the track.

605. Very hard, but at that speed, it's not as hard as you might think.

606. When I did it faster,

607. I ended up all the way on the grass.

608. This is the board. Bearing in mind it's raining out, so it's wet, mostly the wets are down here.

609. Where do you think? I don't know.

610. You tell me. Oh, I'm going to.

611. I'm not guessing. You're leaning forward.

612. It's always a sign. It's been an interesting day.

613. I'm dying to see what the result of all that was.

614. Mr Slash,

615. you did it

616. in... one...

617. 49.8.

618. But I was faster than Angelina Jolie, so that's good.

619. That's not actually Angelina Jolie.

620. Is that Alice Cooper down there?

621. Yeah, you're faster than Alice Cooper.

622. He is the only real rock guy on there.

623. It's that rock 'n' roll thing. Perhaps it's all blurry.

624. Who knows? Anyway,

625. ladies and gentlemen, it has been an enormous pleasure to have you here. Thank you so much for coming. Slash!

626. Thank you very much.

627. Was that you driving that car? Might have been. Oh, come on.

628. It looked like it. Now, moving on,

629. and we move on, surprisingly, to golf.

630. It is very popular. There are 4 million golfers in the UK alone.

631. Yeah, that is almost 8% of the adult population

632. and we can't really understand this because, as far as we can make out,

633. golf is extremely boring.

634. It is also ruinously expensive. A decent set of bats

635. is going to set you back £1,000. We rang a golf club

636. in High Wycombe the other day,

637. not Wentworth, and annual membership there is £1,000.

638. It's two grand before you even start. Then you have

639. the stupid jumpers and shoes, and the Rupert the Bear trousers. It adds up.

640. Then there's the cost of joining the Freemasons.

641. Exactly. So we were wondering, could you do motor racing for less?

642. We tend to think of motor racing as catastrophically expensive, but is that necessarily the case?

643. We decided to find out. We each bought a set of wheels,

644. converted them into racers as cheaply as possible

645. and met up at the Lydden Hill race track in Kent.

646. Race day dawned, and Richard and I were there

647. good and early with the cars we bought.

648. This is a 150mph BMW 328I,

649. for which I paid £795. Nice.

650. It looks good. And you paid what for this? This is a Citroen Saxo VTS 1.6, for which I paid

651. £550, and it's a nice one. It is a nice one.

652. That is in really good nick. It's a hot little car.

653. 'Then James arrived in a Toyota MR2.'

654. That is a surprise.

655. That is an unexpected car. I thought he'd been lost on the A35.

656. Morning. May! How much was that?

657. £450.

658. Seriously? 450 quid? Yep.

659. So we've got mid-engined, rear drive,

660. front-engined, front drive, rear drive, front engine.

661. That's a 328. I know. But have you seen this?

662. It's brilliant, this. I have to say it, and I wouldn't normally say it, obviously,

663. but your cars look terrific. Hammond?

664. Yes. Blood type? Yes. "Red".

665. Well, it is. It's red. I've checked.

666. Stuck a pin in it. B?

667. B-. I don't know what I am.

668. That's an exam result! I just made it up.

669. It's what I'm used to seeing on forms. I wasn't sure,

670. so I put AB+. That way I'll get the lot, so one of them will be right.

671. As you can see, obviously, I've put stickers on mine.

672. Yeah, where did... Well, it's the BBC and you have to have stickers

673. on a racing car. "Fragile roof"? I know, but the BBC doesn't allow brand names,

674. so I put health and safety notices on it, as that's what the BBC likes.

675. We should explain at this point that there are certain safety requirements you have to fulfil

676. before you go motor racing.

677. You have to put a roll cage,

678. proper seat, harness,

679. electrical cut-off fire extinguisher, and the total cost

680. of doing that on mine was around £1,000.

681. Yours was a bit less. A bit less cos there's less roll cage in it so it brings it up to 1,400 quid

682. for the lot. And yours is? 1,430. So, 1,400,

683. 1,400, 1,800 all in.

684. So, for the price of a bag full of golf bats,

685. we were ready to go motor racing,

686. and the motor racing we'd selected was rallycross.

687. The beauty of this is that half the track is tarmac

688. and half is gravel and mud.

689. Oh, my good... Oh, gosh, I don't know what's happened!

690. So, you get to do high-speed circuit driving

691. and slidey rally stuff all in the same race.

692. Do you know, I used to love rallycross.

693. Yeah. Grandstand, World Of Sport, you had Dickie Davies and he'd go,

694. "This afternoon, we've got fly-fishing, athletics and golf." You'd go, "Oh, no."

695. Then, "And rallycross." Yeah. And you had those tiny televisions,

696. the black-and-white screen you were watching on. You might have done in Birmingham.

697. Look at that! I know. But then he's got some actual track to do it on.

698. Or he could be standing with a Pringle jumper on,

699. going like this... Waiting for the man in front.

700. Yes. Do you know the best thing about this?

701. It's really simple.

702. When we got to the driver's briefing, however,

703. I realised I'd spoken too soon. OK, there's 18 of you,

704. so when you do your heats, if you finish first, you get one point. We've got three sets of races,

705. so there'll be three people with one point, three people with two points,

706. three people with three points. If you come seventh twice,

707. that gets 14 but you only end up seventh. You get seven points. Why does it say 1 + 2 = 2?

708. Well, you only pick the best one.

709. If we were doing three,

710. we'd pick the best two. Three what? Three of your points from the heats.

711. Eh? Happily, Captain Maths was on hand to explain

712. that, in short, we'd all take part in two heats and at least one final.

713. And, with that sorted, we got to know the other drivers.

714. I notice from the entry sheet you're all called Gary.

715. I'm not!

716. Do you mind if I call you Gary, just to keep everything clear? No, that's fine. Just keep it simple.

717. OK, but who is called Gary? You're Gary, you're Gary and you're both in my class?

718. You are racing in Gary class... so you are Gary Clarkson.

719. I, meanwhile, was in the modified two-litre class

720. and our heat was first.

721. I've got to do three laps. That's all. Three laps and try not to mess it up.

722. Oh, look, we're getting lined up. This is the grid. This is it!

723. Go!

724. Oh, we're off.

725. He is overtaking! Oh, my God, he's about second!

726. He's not... He's third. Third!

727. This is good. This is good.

728. Now I'll have him!

729. Come on, come on! Ohh, this is exciting!

730. Oh, he's gone to second! He's overtaken... No, he hasn't.

731. But this is genuinely exciting racing with James May in it!

732. And remember, this costs less than golf.

733. This bloke's all over my chuff!

734. Right, watch this!

735. Oh, no! No, I've got it back.

736. No... Oh, he's lost it.

737. I've broken something. Sod it!

738. We... must... not... laugh... No.

739. When he gets back.

740. How bad is it? I suppose it's just at the wings on the wheel. Has the suspension collapsed?

741. Every time I braked, it veered off. Do you know that, momentarily, you were in second place? I know.

742. It was extremely exciting.

743. Next up in the stock hatch class was Professor Richard Hammond,

744. who was still trying to get to grips with the scoring system.

745. Six plus one equals one, because that's the result they carry forwards...

746. which means I could end up in final C, which... C comes before A.

747. I'm just going to drive around as fast as I can.

748. Oh, he's going to... Not bad, not bad!

749. It's a blinding start from Hammond!

750. I love the rough stuff!

751. The agile front-drive Citroen was brilliant in the mud.

752. Yeah, ha-ha!

753. But I could have done with a bit more power on the tarmac.

754. I haven't quite got the legs on this one up to the top. Might have...

755. I braked myself into that quite hard.

756. He might have done it... No, he won't do it, unless he can get a lot of speed down the hill.

757. Oh, this is an epic battle for third place.

758. Oh-ho!

759. Oh, wait, he's through. He's done a move. He's overtaken somebody!

760. Oh, this is exciting. It's too exciting even to speak!

761. Oh-oh, that was a punt!

762. Could be playing golf, remember. Could be playing golf.

763. He's not going to come third. That would be impossible.

764. Come on. Come on!

765. Yeah, ha! Third place, that'll do me. Come on!

766. Has anybody ever left a golf course feeling this high?

767. Woo-hoo!

768. High-five! Hammond, that was absolutely rostrum or hospital. I loved it.

769. So, third? That's exciting, yeah. It's great!

770. It was now my turn and I was a bit nervous

771. because the big engine in my BM

772. meant I was in the top super-modified class,

773. where three of the Garys were former champions.

774. Ha-ha! Loneliest man in the world! Get in there and be alone.

775. Maybe I should go and play golf. No. No, because we need to see what golf is like in comparison.

776. No, we need to prove our point, which means you have to drive that against these people.

777. Crack on, Clarkson. Go on. Kindly, James spent a few moments asking the other drivers to be nice to me.

778. Don't be nice to him, OK. I'm not going to be. Just muller him.

779. Top man.

780. And then it was time for action.

781. Five seconds...

782. Oh, they're good.

783. Unbelievably, though, I started to make up places.

784. Ooh, he's third, he's third!

785. He's going to be third if he can out-drag that one, and he is!

786. Come on, Gary!

787. Gary, I'm going to get you!

788. I've got Gary up my chuff here and I'm trying to take Gary on the inside.

789. Then the super-modified Garys put me in my place.

790. Ohh! Heavens, that was a big shunt.

791. I may be off the track slightly here.

792. Spurred on by the support of my colleagues, I chased after the pack.

793. Right, come on, Jeremy, concentrate. Let's go get 'em!

794. But before I could catch up, the race was over.

795. That was brilliant, and I was last!

796. Some of you will probably be thinking, "I'd like to do that, but what about safety?"

797. Well, the number of people killed last year in rallycross was nought.

798. The number of people killed on the golf course was...

799. Well, nobody knows, but it's many, many people.

800. God, that was good fun!

801. And the fun continued for the rest of the afternoon.

802. Loads of short, hard, fast action.

803. And the racing was epic!

804. Oh, look at that manoeuvre by the Mini! That's Gary the girl.

805. Gary the girl going round the outside.

806. Ooh, Gary's off the track. Come on, this is good.

807. Oh, it's absolutely wheel-to-wheel stuff. Spectacular racing.

808. Gary the girl! I've never seen a race where two people are side by side all the time.

809. Yeah!

810. In his second race, Richard got another third,

811. despite a bit of a moment...

812. whereas, in HIS next heat, Jeremy improved massively.

813. I'm not last! I'm not last!

814. I'm second to last.

815. Then it was my turn, and they put my hastily repaired car on pole.

816. I'm ready.

817. What a start. He's into the lead!

818. James May is... there's no other word for it... winning!

819. Oh, he's gone off, look.

820. Right, now I've got some racing to do.

821. Cock!

822. Three completely blind laps later, I finished last, again,

823. with yet another wound on my MR2.

824. Oh, yeah! Oh, mate!

825. With the points from the heats all added up, we learned that Richard,

826. with his two third places, had qualified for the B-class final,

827. whereas, James and I were in the final for losers.

828. That means you and I get to race each other, then. Yeah, I know. Yeah, but it's...

829. If you stop and think about the scoring system here,

830. it's clever because it means you will always end up in a final,

831. irrespective of how rubbish you are.

832. The final for losers went well.

833. James got up to third and stayed there.

834. That was terrific! Did you see that? Did you see me all over him?

835. And as for the orang-utan...

836. Jeremy, you're winning! You're actually winning something!

837. Miracles have happened here, ladies and gentlemen, today. I have actually won a thing!

838. The victory gave me a chance to wear my winning face.

839. And there was another bonus as well.

840. What are you doing here? Because I won the spanner final, I'm allowed to go into this final.

841. This is my final. I don't understand.

842. We established in practice you're fast around here because you're used to driving on wet leaves and mud.

843. Because I live in Wales. Exactly.

844. Right now I could be, I don't know, chatting to my caddy,

845. adjusting the tassels on my loafers,

846. instead of which, I'm sitting here at the wheel of my race car, waiting to start.

847. This is just so much better.

848. What if I spoil Hammond's race in some way? I mean, I mustn't and I won't.

849. I'm going to stay at the back, not get in anyone's way.

850. I shouldn't be here.

851. Right, five seconds...

852. That was a good start for me. That puts me right amongst the big boys.

853. Bad start. Really bad start.

854. Come on, Gary, out the way.

855. Whoa, he's got me on the grass!

856. God, this Fiesta is really aggressive.

857. Oh, no, look who's there. It's Richard Hammond, is what it is.

858. How did Jeremy make up that many places in MY final?

859. I decided not to spoil his big race...

860. then I decided I would.

861. Yeah, come on! Oh, yes!

862. Come on, Beemer! Come on now!

863. Oh, he's left me a gap.

864. No, I've gone wide!

865. Ooh, that was a biggie!

866. There was now just one lap left to take Hammond.

867. Lot more traction here, sunshine.

868. Coming up the inside of you.

869. There you go.

870. Come on! Clarkson's right behind me.

871. Come on now!

872. BMW on my inside. This is where he's got the power.

873. I'll get him on the outside.

874. Leave him all the room in the world.

875. I've been hit!

876. He actually turned his wheel there. The camera will reveal that.

877. Come on, little Citroen. Everything you have.

878. There's the chequered flag.

879. Second place.

880. And, amazingly, third place for Jezza.

881. Woo-hoo, hoo-hoo!

882. How good was that?

883. That was absolutely brilliant fun.

884. Two more different cars you can't imagine pitting against one another having a great race!

885. That was tremendous.

886. That was brilliant! Really. I know. It was.

887. One of the best days of my life. Really and truly, one of the best days of my life.

888. We went to prove a point and we did. My hair feels like it's standing on end.

889. And you've got to ask the question, "Why would you play golf when you can do that?"

890. I'm not given to this sort of thing, as you know, but it was brilliant,

891. and I even enjoyed watching that last race with you two.

892. I'm sorry to keep banging on about it,

893. but this whole racing car costs less than this plastic bag full of sticks.

894. But, on the money front, can I inject a note of caution? If I were to be racing my Saxo next weekend,

895. I would want to spend 100 quid on some stiffer suspension.

896. It was quite bouncy. Very bouncy.

897. I'd want to do something about my rear end, because it was tail-happy.

898. Yeah. And there will come a time when the children say, "Mummy, why aren't we having a holiday?"

899. "Well, Daddy spent all our money on shock absorbers."

900. Yeah, it is going to add up, but it doesn't matter because, as we've just proved,

901. rallycross is brilliant. I urge you, get a racing licence, get some cheap wheels,

902. find the nearest place where you can do it, get out there and do it.

903. And all the Garys are really friendly.

904. Yes, they are, but the thing is, the Garys are friendly, but the Richards, they're not.

905. I'm sorry to bring this up. Eh? No, on the last lap,

906. you tried to ram me off the track. I did not!

907. Well, you did. It was attempted murder.

908. It wasn't!

909. All right, look. As we promised last week,

910. we'll have a steward's enquiry about this.

911. We have on-board cameras. Let's have a look. Fine. OK.

912. Coming up to where the incident happened. Let's listen to what he says.

913. Got to shut the door on him here. I'm sorry. Argh!

914. You said, "Got to shut the door on him. Ha-ha-ha-ha!" Yeah.

915. Well, I did say that. I did. And you were wrenching the wheel left. I did not do that!

916. Look at the steering wheel here. Look, he's going round a right-handed corner. Left!

917. Left again! Left again!

918. You did! Yeah, I did do that. Yeah, I did.

919. So, who here thinks that Richard Hammond is guilty?

920. Yes! Well...

921. Now, if this was Formula 1, Hammond would be forced to take a drive-through penalty

922. and that would spoil the race for the spectators. Exactly.

923. So I think we can do it better. Yeah. Sorry, mate.

924. Listen, it was racing. Honestly. You little scallywag! I'll get you next time.

925. And that, Mr Ecclestone, is how you deal with disputes.

926. Done. Absolutely.

927. It was ruined, though. I don't care. I could've come last.

928. And normally, of course, that would be that,

929. but because it's the end of the series, we've got a treat for you. Oh, have we ever!

930. Because, to play us out, with his version of Jessica, Slash is back!

931. I'll tell you what.

932. He's a lot better at that than he is at driving. And he's quicker!