1. Tonight, Maserati brings
some V8 thunder to our track,
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2. Mercedes brings some smoke
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3. and we wave goodbye to Saab.
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4. Hello... Hello, everybody
and good evening.
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5. Hello and welcome -
thank you so much.
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6. We begin...
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7. We begin with a letter -
thank you, everybody.
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8. It's from a Swiss gentleman
and it says,
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9. "Dear Si Appelli, Top Gear.
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10. "You're more than halfway through
this series
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11. "and yet you still haven't
raced a car
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12. "against something
that isn't a car."
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13. He's right, we haven't -
and we should!
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14. As with our off-road scooters
last week, this race
will take place in Wales.
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15. And this is the rally car
we'll be fielding...
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16. a Skoda Fabia Super 2000.
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17. Last season, this car
dominated the championship,
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18. winning seven of the 12 rallies
and locking out the entire podium
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19. with a 1-2-3 on four
of those occasions.
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20. But although the car is clearly
no slouch, is it any kind of match
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21. for the non-car thing
we've got lined up for today?
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22. In fact, if I were the car,
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23. I might possibly be weeing myself
right now.
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24. Because today,
it will be taking on Yves Rossy,
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25. the world's first jet-powered
flying man.
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26. Yves, I have many questions.
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27. Starting with,
what exactly is this thing?
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28. That's a wing, and to push me in the
air, four engines. It's very simple.
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29. Four jets? Yes. And you steer just
with your moves of arms and legs...
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30. So you haven't got like,
levers to control the...? Nothing.
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31. The only thing is a little throttle
that I have here.
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32. That's the only thing that command.
Well, look, all the best.
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33. Mm-hm. I'll be on the ground. Yeah!
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34. 'And THAT brings us neatly to
the actual driving of the car.'
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35. Now obviously, I could take
the wheel of that thing myself
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36. and show that Swiss cuckoo clock
some real talent,
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37. but under the Top Gear
apprentice driver training scheme,
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38. I've agreed to let the guy behind me,
Toni Gardemeister,
cut his teeth on this one.
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39. To be fair, he's pretty good already.
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40. Finnish rally champion.
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41. So, let's see how this race
will work.
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42. This is the course
the car will be racing around.
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43. Eight miles of prime Welsh
rally stage.
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44. As the car sets off, Yves will climb
to 8,000 feet in a helicopter,
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45. jump out, and then follow
the course from above.
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46. Now, Rocket Man can travel
at a steady 120 miles an hour
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47. and we can't.
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48. Well, I could, but I'm not sure yet
about our novice driver.
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49. Anyway, you might think
because of his cruising speed,
we don't stand a chance,
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50. but there's more to it than that.
At the end of the race,
Yves has to land,
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51. so he has to cut his engines,
deploy his parachute
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52. and all sorts of technical
rocket-man stuff has to happen.
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53. So, trust me,
we're in with a shout here.
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54. 'And also, we will be busy
covering precious miles
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55. 'whilst his chopper is still
climbing to launch height.'
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56. Just relax, Toni,
I'm here if you need me.
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57. Obviously, Yves could cut a corner
up there, but don't worry,
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58. we've thought of that -
we've put a farmer out there
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59. with an air rifle with strict orders
to shoot him down
if he sees any infringement.
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60. That's FIA rules all sorted.
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61. As the chopper lifted,
the flag dropped.
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62. We're off!
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63. Oh-hoh!
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64. Oh, my God, he's quite confident.
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65. Ye Gods!
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66. Yeah, just as you are.
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67. We are absolutely
monstering this course!
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68. We've got 265bhp down here.
Toni is using, I'd say, all of them!
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69. Yeah - whoaah!
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70. 'However, as we passed the three-mile
mark, Yves was ready to jump.'
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71. He's jumped!
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72. Engines are good.
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73. Well, he's dropped,
I can't see him out of the car.
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74. 'But somewhere up there,
he was following our course
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75. 'and closing the gap.'
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76. Aaargh!
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77. Hello! Just concentrate! OK!
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78. As a new driver, you get giddy,
you show off and it goes wrong. Oh...
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79. Up there, Yves is hitting speeds
of 120, 150, 80 miles an hour.
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80. In just, well, a lycra suit
a small crash helmet
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81. and a kitchen table on his back.
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82. How the hell did I get mixed up in
this? I mean, I'm just baggage now.
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83. 'Within seconds, Yves had caught up.'
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84. There he is, there he is!
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85. He's ahead of us, he is ahead.
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86. Ow!
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87. 'As Yves streaked into the lead,
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88. 'we still had just under
four miles to go.'
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89. Aaaaargh!
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90. In the air... Ooh-argh!
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91. Ye Gods.
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92. Right, OK!
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93. 'Up ahead, Yves's journey was,
unfortunately, almost done.'
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94. There he is. There's his parachute.
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95. We've got to just take advantage
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96. while he's slowing through
the air to land. We've got to
give it everything we can.
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97. We've got about two minutes now.
Absolutely...
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98. This is going to be so close!
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99. Oh, my God.
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100. There he is.
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101. He's behind the hill.
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102. He's behind the trees,
I don't know, he's not down yet.
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103. We still have a chance here.
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104. This is it. Where is he?
Where is he? Is he there?
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105. Oh no! After all that!
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106. Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
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107. Don't blame yourself. That's the main
thing, man - don't blame yourself.
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108. You did a great job. Thanks for
the guiding. I was there for you.
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109. Thank you. I'm going to sit here
for a little bit now, just...
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110. You look a little bit dark now.
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111. Yeah, do you know, I'm just going to
sit here for a minute.
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112. BLEEP!
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113. Was that a bit scary? Yes!
Very. It's so fast.
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114. You said at one point,
something was getting loose.
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115. Yeah, me - my bowels, specifically!
It was really scary.
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116. But what gets me about Yves, flying,
is there must have been
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117. a first time he did that - you can't
work up to being a jet-powered man.
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118. You can't start with propellers.
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119. Oh, no!
So there must've been a first day.
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120. He woke up one day and thought,
right, it's today.
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121. I'm going to jump off a helicopter
with a kitchen table strapped
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122. to my back and a couple of jets
and I'm pretty confident I can fly.
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123. Anyway, we must now do the news
and we begin with this.
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124. What is the worst thing
in the world?
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125. Trying on trousers.
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126. He's right, actually. You're right.
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127. But the second worst thing
in the world is when you're
going on a journey somewhere
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128. and someone in the car says,
"do you mind if we stop"
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129. for some reason - "look,
there's an ancient monument".
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130. I don't want to look at that!
I want to look at my friends who
we haven't seen for five years.
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131. You're absolutely right.
There are some people
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132. who stop on a journey at a motorway
services to play a fruit machine.
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133. Those people who say,
"I need to stretch my legs".
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134. If you're Alec Guinness
and you've been in a box in a
Japanese prison for six months, yes,
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135. you need to stretch your legs, but
after 30 miles in a car, you don't.
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136. It's when people say
they need to stop to eat. Why?
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137. I can't imagine a journey long enough
that means YOU will need refuelling.
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138. Well, if you were driving
from Cairo to Khartoum...
Yes, but not in Britain.
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139. If you're going from Leicester to
Birmingham, you don't need food.
You won't starve in that time.
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140. No, and I'm glad you brought this up
because this is where I'm going, OK?
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141. One place I could never understand
why people stopped at
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142. was Little Chef, because what
they did was they took ingredients
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143. and then ruined them.
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144. I once stopped at a Little Chef
very early in the morning
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145. and I said,
"Could I have an omelette?"
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146. The woman said, "No, I'm sorry sir,
the powder hasn't arrived yet".
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147. That's not a good sign, is it?
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148. I once dropped a sausage from my
plate in Little Chef and it bounced.
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149. They made it out of
old squash balls!
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150. The other day, we heard they'd shut
getting on for half their outlets,
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151. and we weren't surprised,
but the other day we stopped at one
that was still open.
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152. I went in and this guy gave me
a paper cup,
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153. he said it's a casserole mash.
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154. I thought, that's just going to be
bits of placenta...
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155. Oh, God!
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156. Garnished with the chef's
bodily fluids. Nice.
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157. It was the second nicest thing
I've ever put in my mouth. Second?
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158. OK. It was brilliant.
I loved it, to be honest.
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159. It's because they've got
Heston Blumenthal doing the menu.
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160. Yes, he cut his teeth,
didn't he, in Heston services?
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161. BMW has sent us news of a new Mini.
It's a concept, here's a picture.
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162. It's a twee little van
with "Buckingham" picked out
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163. in old-fashioned sign writing
and it looks like
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164. the sort of thing we might have been
driving just after we won the war.
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165. Oh, for God's sake, please!
Don't go there. Won it.
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166. Don't go there.
They've done this before, BMW.
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167. A year or so ago they did a Mini,
but at the back,
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168. it had a wickerwork picnic hamper
and a silver tea set.
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169. The point is, we would like
to extend an invitation to
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170. people of Germany to come over here,
not in a bomber...
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171. Not all at once. Not in uniform,
marching... And not at night.
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172. No, not at night,
but come over here as tourists
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173. and we'll show you the Shard,
for example, in London.
Modern skyscraper.
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174. We'll show you the Range Rover
Evoque.
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175. We'll take you to an Adele gig.
Maybe not Adele.
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176. Not if ITV are covering it,
cos you'll just get that...
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177. Then there'll be an advert
for panty liners.
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178. Germans need to come here,
they really do - to come here
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179. and understand we're not driving
around in twee little vans,
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180. tugging our forelocks
at the squire any more.
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181. They're obsessed with this,
bless them.
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182. They always say, "ve love your
England, viz your tweed and your
little houses mit-out electricity".
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183. We should go to Germany with
mullets and leather shorts
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184. and wander about whistling Scorpion
tunes and see how they like it.
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185. Racial stereotyping -
which we don't do.
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186. News from the Continent!
I've always wanted to say that.
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187. "News from the Continent."
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188. The French have announced that
from July 1, you must, by law,
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189. carry a breathalyser kit
in your car.
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190. You can understand
the logic behind that
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191. until you think about it carefully,
and then there's a flaw.
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192. You come out of the bar,
you've had a glass of wine and
you think, "am I OK for driving?"
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193. You use your breathalyser kit,
it says yes, you are,
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194. but then you can't drive,
cos you've used your kit.
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195. It's a one-shot deal?
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196. You'd have to walk to the chemist
and buy another kit
before you set off.
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197. Don't they also make us carry
warning triangles?
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198. Yes, and in France, you've also got
to carry a full set of spare bulbs
and a high-visibility vest.
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199. Aren't all those things the police's
job? Do they want us to stick some
cones in the car, just in case?
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200. And maybe a radio, a notepad,
and a pencil?
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201. But, if they're turning us all
into policemen,
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202. we could stop other motorists
and help ourselves to
130 of their euros.
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203. Yes, we could stop Brits
on the last tolls before Calais,
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204. who are rushing to get the ferry
and have been speeding.
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205. Has anyone here
been caught speeding in France?
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206. It's like saying,
has anyone been to France? Yes.
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207. Would you have to carry
handcuffs and a big truncheon
as well? No, that's Holland.
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208. Now, Richard, tell me, when
you go to work at the BBC in
London, where do you park your car?
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209. Well, I park it in the car park
at the BBC, underground,
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210. where everybody else parks.
Where do you park?
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211. I park in the underground car park.
It's a bit of a walk,
but that's what you do.
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212. Now there is a loading bay
outside our office
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213. which is more convenient
but there is no parking there.
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214. Now I took a photograph in this
loading bay this week. Here it is...
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215. We may recognise this car
if the watch The Apprentice.
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216. It belongs to Lord Sir Sugar.
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217. His chauffeur was probably loading
him into the building then. Exactly.
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218. Technically this was a delivery.
So that's fine.
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219. More worrying is this.
OK, if we zoom in...
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220. Now, right there
is a little Fiat Panda,
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221. part blocking the door
of the honest working men
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222. whose job it is
to deliver things to the BBC.
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223. And I'm wondering, Hammond,
who has a little black Fiat Panda?
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224. I don't know. At the BBC?
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225. I don't know.
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226. Does David Attenborough?
No, he doesn't. Paxman?
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227. Moving on, the most
important news of the week.
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228. Road safety campaigners are
always telling us that driving
is extremely difficult.
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229. It's so difficult that you
couldn't possibly do
something else at the same time.
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230. But we disagree with this.
We think driving is easy
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231. and you can do pretty much
anything while you are driving
in perfect safety.
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232. We do, and a couple of weeks ago
he said to prove that point,
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233. he would drive around a track
while sewing a button onto his shirt.
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234. - OK, who'd like to see me try that?
- Yes!
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235. Here we go, we have got it on tape.
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236. 'This is a Suzuki Swift.
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237. 'There's me at the wheel
sewing a button on as I drive.'
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238. I will try
and get back underneath again
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239. before we get to the Hammerhead
which is tricky
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240. because I've got too many chins
and I can't see what I'm doing.
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241. Memo to self: lose weight.
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242. So there you are, ladies
and gentlemen, you can do it.
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243. You can sew a button...
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244. But it goes on a bit. Hold on,
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245. because after you'd said
you'd do that,
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246. James then said he reckoned he could
drive a lap of our track in a car,
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247. whilst in a sleeping bag.
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248. Can you? Well, let's find out.
Oh, here we go.
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249. Here I am driving along in a
Suzuki Swift, exactly as you were.
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250. Are you wearing normal clothes?
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251. No, I'm in a sleeping bag.
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252. Shuffle the wheel.
Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.
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253. Now tell me, was it easy?
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254. There was only one problem...
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255. that blithering idiot Hammond
has turned the heater up
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256. to full blast
because he thought it was funny.
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257. And of course I can't
reach the knob.
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258. So there we are,
road safety enthusiasts...
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259. proof that you can do
other things while driving.
I'm not suggesting that people do.
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260. Don't drive to work
tomorrow morning in a sack.
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261. But we've just shown
that you can drive while sewing
or in a sleeping bag,
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262. so you can certainly drive
while eating an apple or...
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263. Putting a CD in.
Well, if you still live
in the 1980s, yes, putting a CD in.
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264. Driving is easy! It's not difficult.
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265. Right, no moving on to this -
it is a Maserati GranTurismo
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266. and it is a soft,
floppy and very enormous barge
for people who can't drive.
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267. Our studio director's got one.
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268. Um, I really don't like it at all,
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269. but Maserati
has now scratched its head
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270. and tried something a bit different.
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271. This is what they've come up with -
the GranTurismo MC Stradale.
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272. It's still vast.
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273. The gap between the wheels is longer
than it is on a Range Rover
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274. and even beyond the wheels,
look, it just keeps on going.
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275. Still, it's now been lowered
and lightened and stiffened.
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276. So theoretically, it's become
a proper no-nonsense road racer.
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277. It even has a button marked "Race"
on the dashboard.
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278. That speeds up the gear changes,
backs off the traction control
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279. and turns the exhaust
all the way up to 11.
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280. Under the bonnet,
the V8 has been tweaked
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281. so it's now firing 444 horsepower
at the rear wheels.
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282. And the results of all this
are dramatic.
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283. The standard car
is like a duvet on a hot night,
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284. flopping about everywhere,
being annoying.
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285. This, though, in race mode,
this is as tidy as a Marine's bunk.
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286. You can sense that the suspension
is doing battle
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287. with the bulk of the thing.
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288. But you can also sense it's a battle
that the suspension is winning.
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289. There's a majesty to the way
this car drives.
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290. And it feels like it has a soul,
too.
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291. Ooh-ooh!
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292. Oooh, I like you.
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293. Oh, and Joe Walsh was wrong.
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294. Because my Maserati
actually does 187.
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295. So, it goes brilliantly
and thanks to carbon brakes...
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296. it stops just as well.
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297. However, if you want a road racer,
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298. you should know
there's a new alternative
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299. from the dour, sensible, no-nonsense
Germans at Mercedes-Benz.
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300. This is the C63 Black.
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301. It's the latest
plunge into the world of insanity
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302. from the skunkworks
deep inside the bowels of AMG.
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303. In many ways, it's very similar
to the Maserati.
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304. Both cost around Ј110,000.
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305. Both are two-seaters.
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306. Both have double-clutch gearboxes
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307. and both are jolly fast.
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308. But there are differences.
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309. Big ones.
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310. You look at this car and you take in
the aero tweaks on the front-end,
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311. the nostrils in the bonnet,
the massively flared wheel arches
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312. and the enormous carbon fibre
rear wing.
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313. And you sit in here and you know
you have strengthening braces
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314. and you think, yes,
this IS a full-on racing car.
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315. It isn't. It isn't that.
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316. It isn't even close to that.
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317. No, no, over there. Go over there.
Over there. Go over THERE!
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318. What is that rear wing doing?
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319. I think it's providing rear-end
lift. There's no grip at all.
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320. It is hilarious!
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321. Through the corners there's
just no way that I can keep up
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322. with the man in the Maserati
because he is driving a racing car
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323. and I...
I'm wrestling a mad yellow bear!
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324. This, honestly, is
Winnie The Pooh with road rage.
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325. I mean, obviously it's much more
spectacular to go round the corner
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326. in a cloud of your own smoke.
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327. But it's slower.
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328. As you can see,
because after every single corner,
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329. he's 300 yards ahead of me.
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330. 100 yards ahead.
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331. 200 yards ahead.
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332. 300 yards ahead.
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333. So on a track,
the Maserati is better.
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334. However, as an everyday road car,
there are some issues,
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335. chief among which
are the racing harnesses.
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336. Look at this - honestly, it's like
something out of an S&M catalogue.
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337. It means
you can't reach the glove box.
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338. You can't reach car park
pay machines or tollbooths.
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339. They couldn't have ruined
the car more
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340. if they'd smeared the carpets
with dog dirt.
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341. And even if you ignore the bondage
gear, all is still not well.
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342. If you take the gearbox
out of race mode
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343. and put it in everyday
"going to the shops" auto,
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344. it sits down there,
in the bowels of the car thinking,
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345. "Now, he's just pulled that lever,
that means I have to do something.
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346. "What is it? I have to bake cake?
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347. "No. Mow the lawn? No."
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348. "I know! I am a gearbox!
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349. "He's pulled the lever,
that means he wants third!"
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350. It's so dim-witted
and slow in normal mode,
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351. it makes the whole car feel like
it isn't joined up properly.
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352. So how does the Mercedes
stack up as a road car?
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353. Well, like the Maserati,
the rear seats have been removed.
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354. But for a fee,
Mercedes will put them back.
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355. They will also - free of charge -
move the steering wheel
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356. and pedals over
to the correct side of the car.
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357. And look at this -
hasn't been invented in Italy yet.
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358. It's called a seatbelt
and it's so simple and easy to use.
Copy !req
359. And there's more.
Copy !req
360. It's smaller than the Maserati,
Copy !req
361. much like Lincolnshire,
so it is easier to park
Copy !req
362. and it has a fantastic
central command unit
Copy !req
363. which not only tells you
where you are and what you're
listening to, but also,
Copy !req
364. if you push this button here,
Copy !req
365. how much G
you're generating in the bends.
Copy !req
366. Where the throttle is
and how much brake you're using
Copy !req
367. AND the condition of your tyres.
Copy !req
368. What it should say is, "Very poor,
because in the last corner
you turned them all into smoke."
Copy !req
369. Yes, I'm just taking
the children to school now.
Copy !req
370. I'm on the school run.
Copy !req
371. Just turning left
into Acacia Avenue.
Copy !req
372. The biggest problem though
with this car
Copy !req
373. is that it's not
what you'd call comfortable.
Copy !req
374. Honestly, if you want to know
how this car rides,
Copy !req
375. sit on a piano and asked someone
to push you down that cobbled hill
they used in the Hovis ads.
Copy !req
376. It's ridiculous!
Copy !req
377. I actually owned
the predecessor of this car
Copy !req
378. and I've been saying for years,
it rides too harshly.
Copy !req
379. And what have they done with
the replacement?
Copy !req
380. They've made it worse!
Copy !req
381. So, there we are.
Copy !req
382. Both these cars
are good fun on the track,
Copy !req
383. albeit for very different reasons.
Copy !req
384. But for commuting and shopping
and going out for dinner,
Copy !req
385. thanks to the ride in the Mercedes
Copy !req
386. and the gearbox in the Maserati,
no.
Copy !req
387. Neither of them
work very well at all.
Copy !req
388. It does have a better petrol tank
than mine.
Copy !req
389. And the seat belts
are easier to do up. Yeah.
Copy !req
390. Let me get this one straight,
Copy !req
391. so you finally admitting that
AMG Mercs are ridiculous?
Copy !req
392. Well, I mean, if you are me
Copy !req
393. with my very specific requirements
for a car, it's very good indeed.
Copy !req
394. Yeah, but quite a lot of people
aren't you, so for all of them?
Copy !req
395. Well, as I said in the film,
er, it is a bit stiff.
Copy !req
396. Yeah. Just why don't you tell
the ladies and gentleman
Copy !req
397. how many laps of track you managed
Copy !req
398. before the rear tyres went down
to the cambers? There's a very
pretty girl there. Have you seen?
Copy !req
399. How many lap did you manage of
our track
Copy !req
400. before the rear tyres were lunched?
Copy !req
401. Erm...
Copy !req
402. Four.
Copy !req
403. - How many? Four.
- Four!
Copy !req
404. Four laps of the track.
Copy !req
405. That adds up to 6.8 miles.
Copy !req
406. That works out at Ј85 a mile,
just in tyres, to run this car. Yes.
Copy !req
407. And we're now going to have to
man our wallets once more
Copy !req
408. because it's time to find out
how fast the Mercedes and
the Maserati go around our track.
Copy !req
409. And that of course means handing
them over to our tame racing driver.
Copy !req
410. Some say that he is the only man
in history to buy a DFS sofa
Copy !req
411. when there wasn't a sale on.
Copy !req
412. And that his favourite
boxing venue is Munich Airport.
Copy !req
413. All we know
is that he's called The Stig!
Copy !req
414. And they're off.
Copy !req
415. Now the Maserati is undoubtedly
quicker through the corners,
Copy !req
416. but the Merc will blitz it
on the straights.
Copy !req
417. Obviously we are not going to
find out here because, look,
Copy !req
418. the Merc is already twitching,
and wait for it...
Copy !req
419. yes, smoke and sliding.
Copy !req
420. Stig unfortunately still obsessed
with The Archers.
Copy !req
421. Chicago,
once again the Merc sideways.
Copy !req
422. They should have called it the Crab.
Copy !req
423. OK, hard on the brakes
for Hammerhead.
Copy !req
424. What will happen in here, I wonder?
Copy !req
425. Yup, there goes the Mercedes.
Oh, even the Maserati's sliding.
Copy !req
426. And the Merc continues to
smoke like a refinery fire.
Copy !req
427. A double helping
of agri-drivel there.
Copy !req
428. OK, here we go,
the Maserati has the V8 engine.
Copy !req
429. The Merc is now unleashing a 6.2
litre, 510 horsepower V8 atom bomb.
Copy !req
430. Just a fantastic amount of power
in that thing. Two corners left.
Copy !req
431. Looking pretty even so far.
Copy !req
432. Penultimate corner.
Copy !req
433. Didn't go sideways,
but Gambon, he did.
Copy !req
434. And there we are, across the line.
Copy !req
435. Now the Maserati... Yes.
Copy !req
436. The Maserati did it in 1.23.1.
So it goes there. Not bad.
Copy !req
437. Nearly as quick as a Ferrari 430
in fact.
Copy !req
438. Come on, then. The Mercedes...
Copy !req
439. 1.21 dead. What?
Copy !req
440. Look at that.
It's between the 599 and an SLR.
Copy !req
441. What? Hang on. No, no. Hang on.
Copy !req
442. How...? How did IT do that?
Copy !req
443. Because as I've explained to you
many times, Hammond,
Copy !req
444. precision and technicality
will always be beaten
Copy !req
445. by shouting and smoking and power.
Copy !req
446. Anyway, it's time to put a star
in our reasonably priced car.
Copy !req
447. My guest tonight is quite simply
Doctor Who,
Copy !req
448. which explains how he was able to
travel back in time to the 1980s
Copy !req
449. and steal Phil Oakey's hair.
Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Smith!
Copy !req
450. Hello, hello, hello!
How are you? Hello, big man.
It's good to see you.
Copy !req
451. Thank you for having me on.
It's a pleasure!
Doctor Who is among us!
Copy !req
452. He is!
Copy !req
453. You're not wearing
your Doctor Who outfit!
Copy !req
454. No, mate, just me civvies.
Copy !req
455. And I've got odd socks on
cos I couldn't find them.
Copy !req
456. You're actually dressed more like...
Copy !req
457. Well, I've discovered you
are a football enthusiast.
Copy !req
458. Oh, big! Yeah,
a massive football enthusiast.
Copy !req
459. Did you ever play properly?
Copy !req
460. I played for... I mean, yeah.
Copy !req
461. I went through the youth academies
and I played for Forest
and I played for Leicester.
Copy !req
462. Hooray!
Copy !req
463. There's actually a Leicester City
supporter here?
Copy !req
464. He's here! I should say it
that way round.
Copy !req
465. You played and then what happened?
Copy !req
466. I had a back injury
called spondylitis,
Copy !req
467. or it's some sort of strange name.
Was it caused by your hair
going all on one side?
Copy !req
468. Yeah, I was injured for a year,
and God bless my dad,
Copy !req
469. he'd drive me up from school every
day when I was playing at Leicester
and I'd get the treatment there.
Copy !req
470. But I just never recovered,
and so they let me go.
Copy !req
471. Do you reckon you could've
been a footballist
Copy !req
472. if your back hadn't have...? I hope
so. I was captain at the time,
Copy !req
473. at Leicester under-15s, and, um...
Copy !req
474. You know, I had a great season.
But who knows?
Copy !req
475. The one player that I played with,
Copy !req
476. and at Forest,
we were two years unbeaten.
Copy !req
477. And the only player that went on
to play in the Premiership
was Jermaine Jenas, that was it.
Copy !req
478. Yay. Howay.
Copy !req
479. Let's move off football
and on to Doctor Who which is
I'm sure where everyone wants to go.
Copy !req
480. It's the longest-running
sci-fi series in the world.
That's correct.
Copy !req
481. Is it 50 years now or next...?
50 years, on, I think, it's November
23rd or 24th, 2013. 50 years.
Copy !req
482. And you're the youngest Doctor ever.
I am the youngest carnation.
Copy !req
483. I'm in the Guinness Book Of Records
which as child, I was like, "Yes!"
Copy !req
484. The youngest Doctor Who.
Copy !req
485. It's better than seeing how many
beans you can put up your nose!
Copy !req
486. One of the things that fascinates
me is that when I was growing up,
Copy !req
487. and Doctor Who had the Daleks on,
I was, "It's a thing with a sink
plunger!" I was terrified.
Copy !req
488. But now, even my youngest plays
Call Of Duty and plays the Nazi
zombies with dogs that explode.
Copy !req
489. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
490. Is it difficult to think of
something that will scare a child
Copy !req
491. who has just finished shooting an
alien in the face on a PlayStation?
Copy !req
492. Well, no... Yes, perhaps, but...
Copy !req
493. Doctor Who isn't scary in the way
Copy !req
494. that there's blood and guts
and people getting blown up.
Copy !req
495. And actually, how scary is that?
Copy !req
496. "Scary" is in tension. That's why
I think the angels are really scary.
Copy !req
497. Cos when you're not looking at them
they go, thumpthumpthump, like that.
Copy !req
498. Yeah, that is quite scary.
Copy !req
499. What's the grinning doll one called?
Copy !req
500. Which one?
Copy !req
501. It looks a bit like Richard Hammond.
Copy !req
502. There were some dolls in this one,
Copy !req
503. the peg dolls,
or there's the scarecrows,
Copy !req
504. which was a Tennant episode.
Copy !req
505. And then Cybermen aren't scary.
Copy !req
506. Yes, but... They are not! Somebody
said they are, but they aren't.
Copy !req
507. It's like, they're here, right,
and they come at you like this.
Copy !req
508. They're slow, I know.
Copy !req
509. You could just walk away.
"Oh, there's a Cyberman there,
I'll just stroll over here."
Copy !req
510. Never apply logic to Who, because...
I suppose.
Copy !req
511. Presumably a lot
goes with being Doctor Who
that's not just playing Doctor Who.
Copy !req
512. Everywhere you go,
you've got to have children saying,
"Who's the scariest monster?"
Copy !req
513. Yes! I don't know if I should even
say this, but I got home last night,
Copy !req
514. got to my door, and there
was little girl of about 12 or 13
Copy !req
515. reading a book in a bush.
Copy !req
516. And she said, "Don't worry,
I'm not a homeless person."
Copy !req
517. Then she said, "Could you just say,
'Hey, I'm the Doctor.'?"
Copy !req
518. So I just sort of said,
"Hey! I'm the Doctor."
Copy !req
519. Then went, "Go home!"
Copy !req
520. That is quite scary. You could get
into trouble for that.
Copy !req
521. Anyway, we had Michael Fassbender
on last week. I know, he did well.
Copy !req
522. He did well and he's not
the only one that's appeared naked
in a film recently.
Copy !req
523. You have too, in The Womb, you had
your Time-Lord sausage out.
Copy !req
524. It was with Eva Green,
who played a Bond girl.
Copy !req
525. A very beautiful woman.
She was, in Casino Royale.
Copy !req
526. The first scene of the first day,
Copy !req
527. we're on the most northerly point
of Germany and it's Baltic cold.
Copy !req
528. It's March.
And I've got to get in the sea.
Copy !req
529. So I get there, I go in the sea,
Copy !req
530. freeze my BLEEP off, come out,
Copy !req
531. and then do this scene
with Eva Green!
Copy !req
532. And what can you do but apologise
and go, "It's normally
much more majestic!"
Copy !req
533. It was awful! This beautiful
French woman and you're like...
Copy !req
534. I saw... I saw in the film,
Copy !req
535. you see her eyes, I come
and she goes... You what?
Copy !req
536. I come out of the water. I see,
I'm with you, and she's like...
Copy !req
537. Yeah, it was crap, basically.
Copy !req
538. Now, cars.
Copy !req
539. As you're such a young Doctor Who,
I can't imagine your car history's
particularly brilliant.
Copy !req
540. Well, no. The first car I had was...
I passed at 18 and I got a Corsa
which I bought brand new.
Copy !req
541. And I've got to say,
it was a brilliant little motor,
Copy !req
542. and it's still going.
It's still going. So, this was
a ten-year-old Vauxhall Corsa?
Copy !req
543. Yeah, my sister's driving it about
and I broke the wing mirror,
Copy !req
544. so I just taped it with gaffer tape
and had it like that for four years.
My friends would call it "The Shed".
Copy !req
545. Was it much bigger on the inside
than on the outside? Sadly not.
What do you dream of owning?
Copy !req
546. Do you know what I'd like most of
all? I'd like an old 911. I know
it's a point of contention...
Copy !req
547. You may as well have an old one
cos the new one is exactly the same.
Copy !req
548. They're sexy cars.
Copy !req
549. Especially the old 911,
from what was it?
Copy !req
550. In the '90s. They're the same as
they are now! And it's not new.
Copy !req
551. Obviously, of course, you came here
to do your lap. Yeah.
Copy !req
552. How did it go?
I was getting frustrated.
I spun off a couple of times.
Copy !req
553. But I just thought,
"Right, hell for leather!"
But I think that was my problem.
Copy !req
554. A lot of the guests
that come here struggle
with the second-to-last corner.
Copy !req
555. And we've got some footage of you
attempting to get around there.
Oh, God... Anyone like to see?
Copy !req
556. Yes!
Copy !req
557. Let's have a look at Matt coming up
to the second-to-last corner.
Copy !req
558. And...
Copy !req
559. run a bit wide there.
Copy !req
560. Now that was attempt number one,
there.
Copy !req
561. And then that's Gambon
with a new line.
Copy !req
562. There we are, not crossing the line.
Here we are again.
Copy !req
563. Oh, you, BLEEP!
Copy !req
564. See, that's quite angry.
Oh, dear, now...
Copy !req
565. Fishtanking.
Copy !req
566. I really admire...
Copy !req
567. I do admire a man who goes,
"No, I can do it!"
Copy !req
568. Who here
would like to see Matt's lap?
Copy !req
569. Yes!
Copy !req
570. Play the tape. Oh, no...
Copy !req
571. Now, let's see if we can see any
evidence of this aggressive driving.
Copy !req
572. Right, concentrate. Calm.
Copy !req
573. I was getting too annoyed, you see.
Copy !req
574. Couple of bites at turning in there.
Wide, wide, wide...
Copy !req
575. That's a tortured tyre,
but it is clinging on well.
Copy !req
576. I'm just sort of braking around it.
Copy !req
577. Ooh, running a bit wide there.
Copy !req
578. Listen to those tyres! They're
working for a living today.
Copy !req
579. This is the Hammerhead coming up.
Copy !req
580. It's like an angry shark.
Oh, yeah...
Copy !req
581. That's actually quite nicely done.
Copy !req
582. In, a lot of understeer
at the first part and... Argh!
Copy !req
583. OK on the way out.
Copy !req
584. And we're going to hit Gambon
like a BLEEP train.
Copy !req
585. 'Come on!'
Copy !req
586. Like to see a man planning ahead -
we're only at the Follow-through,
Copy !req
587. still got that to do.
And the tyres... Long way.
Copy !req
588. Good cutting.
Copy !req
589. Yeah, yeah... Into second.
You're in very soon.
Copy !req
590. You can leave it in third
actually for Gambon.
Copy !req
591. And lots of understeer again,
but across the line!
Copy !req
592. Now, you are by no means the first
Doctor Who we've had down here.
Copy !req
593. You've had Chris and David.
Copy !req
594. Yeah, we've had Christopher
Eccleston and David Tennant.
Copy !req
595. We've even had Billie Piper.
Copy !req
596. Former assistant. Yeah, I've driven
with Billie. She's quick.
Copy !req
597. She did it in the Lacetti in one...
I haven't got my glasses on.
Copy !req
598. It was either a 1:46 or a 1:48.
Has anyone got any glasses?
Copy !req
599. She did it in 1:48.3.
Actually, she was the quickest.
1:48.3, what were the others?
Copy !req
600. Eccleston was 1:52.4, in the Liana,
Copy !req
601. and Dave was 1:48.8.
Copy !req
602. 1:48.8... So where
do you think YOU'VE come?
Copy !req
603. Actually, you're in a new car.
Cos they did it in the Liana
or the Lacetti.
Copy !req
604. So where do think you've come?
I have no idea.
Copy !req
605. I know I'm nowhere near Fassbender.
Copy !req
606. Oh, I don't really want to be
below Louis Walsh.
Copy !req
607. Where is Louis Walsh? At 1:47.7,
that wasn't that rapid.
Copy !req
608. You did it... Hm...
Copy !req
609. 1...
Copy !req
610. 40...
Copy !req
611. So that's good.
Copy !req
612. 3...
Copy !req
613. Point 7. Get in!
Copy !req
614. Matt Smith, the fastest Doctor Who!
Copy !req
615. And you go right up there.
I'll take that.
Copy !req
616. I'll take that, absolutely!
That's a bloody good time.
Copy !req
617. Yeah! Get in!
Copy !req
618. That was a good time. Up there with
Ryan Reynolds, exactly the same.
Copy !req
619. And it's weird, because normally,
Copy !req
620. when a lap looks boring and slow
and steady, they're the quick ones.
Copy !req
621. Yours looked properly aggressive.
Copy !req
622. So, do you drive the TARDIS
like that? Is it the full,
"Give it some!"
Copy !req
623. Absolutely, that's the only way
to drive the TARDIS.
Copy !req
624. That's why it's always broken.
You're always having to hit it
with your screwdriver!
Copy !req
625. It's been a huge pleasure to have
you on, the fastest Doctor Who we've
ever had. I'm chuffed with that.
Copy !req
626. Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Smith!
Copy !req
627. When we heard the news that Saab
had closed down,
Copy !req
628. Jeremy and I were genuinely
very sad.
Copy !req
629. Although we weren't actually sure
why, so we went to investigate.
Copy !req
630. Saab began as an aeroplane maker.
Copy !req
631. But after WWII, it noticed
that demand for fighter planes
had dropped off dramatically.
Copy !req
632. So it decided
to start making cars as well.
Copy !req
633. The first effort
was created by two men...
Copy !req
634. one who designed wings
and one who designed bomb racks.
Copy !req
635. Neither had done a car before
and it kind of showed.
Copy !req
636. Their prototype had enclosed front
wheels which was very aerodynamic,
Copy !req
637. but as you drove along in winter,
snow would build up in the arches
Copy !req
638. and it was only when you got
to a corner when you noticed
the steering had jammed.
Copy !req
639. There were other issues too -
the rear window was tiny
Copy !req
640. and there was no boot lid.
Copy !req
641. Mass production
wasn't their bag either.
Copy !req
642. While Austin made a car every 27
seconds, it took Saab 27 minutes.
Copy !req
643. Oh, and all their cars
were painted green.
Copy !req
644. So, a green car
with no boot you could use,
Copy !req
645. and in bad weather, no steering.
Copy !req
646. But the biggest problem in those
early days was the engine.
Copy !req
647. As James shall now explain.
Copy !req
648. This is the 92.
It was Saab's first production car,
Copy !req
649. and it came with a thirsty
two-stroke engine
Copy !req
650. that produced just 25 horsepower.
Copy !req
651. The real problem is that the engine
was only lubricated when you had
your foot on the throttle.
Copy !req
652. In a two-stroke,
engine oil is mixed with the fuel,
Copy !req
653. so if there's no fuel going in,
there's no oil going in.
Copy !req
654. This wasn't an issue when you were
driving along on a level like this,
Copy !req
655. or going up a hill, because you
had your foot on the throttle and
you had the fuel and oil going in.
Copy !req
656. But once you were going downhill,
you had a problem as you had to
brake with your left foot, but...
Copy !req
657. Whoa! Keep the power on
with your right foot
Copy !req
658. so that the engine
still got some oil.
Copy !req
659. Whoa... This is very tricky.
Copy !req
660. And it feels stupid. I'm driving
and stopping at the same time.
Copy !req
661. Then you'll arrive at the bottom
of the hill with your brakes
completely boiled over
Copy !req
662. and your 65mph Saab would be
absolutely unable to stop.
Copy !req
663. It's hopeless.
Copy !req
664. 'Saab's history is littered
with terrible mistakes like this.'
Copy !req
665. 'There was the 900 convertible,
Copy !req
666. 'which was as rigid
as a week-old salad.
Copy !req
667. 'There was the Sonnet,
Copy !req
668. 'which was supposed to have been
a sports car... but wasn't.'
Copy !req
669. 'And then in then in 1992, they even
made a car with no steering wheel.'
Copy !req
670. In fact, the more you drive this...
Copy !req
671. the easier it becomes.
Copy !req
672. The temptation is to just
stare at the bonnet in wonderment
Copy !req
673. that you can actually have
any directional control at all.
Copy !req
674. So, lots of Swedish strangeness,
and an advertising campaign that
didn't make much sense either.
Copy !req
675. 'Only one aircraft manufacturer
makes cars.
Copy !req
676. 'Sierra-Alpha-Alpha-Bravo.'
Copy !req
677. Yes, Saab loved to remind us
Copy !req
678. that their cars came from a company
that made jet fighters.
Copy !req
679. But it was nonsense.
Copy !req
680. This jet fighter, for example,
had an engine made by Volvo.
Copy !req
681. 'Saab. It's a pity other cars
aren't built this way.'
Copy !req
682. The idea was that you were buying
"a jet fighter for the road",
Copy !req
683. but were you?
Copy !req
684. So, James,
you have a pilot's licence
Copy !req
685. and I believe you've been in
a Typhoon, a fighter aircraft. Yes.
Copy !req
686. Is there anything in here
that puts you in mind of that plane?
Copy !req
687. No. What, nothing?
Copy !req
688. No.
Copy !req
689. Is the key down here on a Typhoon?
Copy !req
690. No.
Copy !req
691. Do you have to lock the Typhoon in
reverse before you take the key out?
Copy !req
692. No, it doesn't have reverse,
as such. It has reverse thrust.
Copy !req
693. Yeah, but it doesn't have
a reverse gear. It doesn't
have a key, actually.
Copy !req
694. So, this is really not the same.
Copy !req
695. However,
it does have a night panel button.
Copy !req
696. It shuts down all the dials
apart from the speedo.
Copy !req
697. Now, I can see this would be useful
if you were in
Copy !req
698. an F-14 over the Pacific
Copy !req
699. looking for the landing lights
on your aircraft carrier.
Copy !req
700. But on the A38 outside Derby,
why would you want that?
Copy !req
701. I used to worry it was all
just broken anyway. How do you know?
Copy !req
702. I went in an F-15 once,
Copy !req
703. it was very different because
nothing in here is covered in sick.
Copy !req
704. Even after Saab was taken over
by General Motors in the late '80s,
Copy !req
705. their marketing men kept at it.
Copy !req
706. Breathtaking acceleration.
Copy !req
707. Here, an F-22 Raptor, not built
by Saab, being used to advertise
Copy !req
708. what is basically
a Vauxhall Cavalier.
Copy !req
709. Saab, pure driving pleasure.
Copy !req
710. So, Saab, a chequered history,
bonkers advertising
Copy !req
711. and lots of harebrained ideas.
Copy !req
712. But for every idea
they had that didn't work,
Copy !req
713. they had another which did.
Copy !req
714. Often brilliantly.
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715. And one of the most brilliant ideas
of them all was this.
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716. The 99 Turbo.
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717. Saab weren't the first
to turbocharge a car,
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718. that was Chevrolet
and BMW and Porsche.
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719. But they were the first to
put a turbocharger on
a mainstream car, which was this.
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720. It was thanks to this car
that everything in the '80s
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721. went turbo-crazy.
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722. The word "turbo" came to mean
anything that was really good.
It did.
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723. I had a turbo vacuum cleaner,
which was fair enough,
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724. but my mate had turbo sunglasses!
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725. It said it on the lens.
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726. You also got turbo razors.
Turbo aftershave.
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727. Did you? Well, I didn't
because I don't wear aftershave
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728. because I'm not from Cheshire!
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729. There was more, because
you could even buy your Turbo
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730. 'with water injection.'
I don't understand that.
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731. I could explain it
but you're not interested.
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732. No, I am. You're not!
I am interested.
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733. Water injection in the inlet
cools the charger
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734. and it's the job later done by...
I'm not interested!
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735. All we need to know is that
with water injection this
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736. turbo-charged pocket rocket could
get from 0 to 60 in eight seconds.
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737. That's quick,
even by today's standards.
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738. It accelerates faster than
a modern Mini Cooper. Yeah.
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739. And a Renaultsport Twingo 133.
This is a fast car.
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740. It is quick.
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741. Now, there is some
Saab weirdness.
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742. The steering wheel comes out of
the dashboard at an angle.
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743. It's like that. And there's a button
here that says extra. Extra what?
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744. It doesn't say. It just says extra.
Try it. Ready? Yes.
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745. You haven't got any more
interesting or attractive!
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746. Little details aside,
this is a fantastic car.
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747. This is a truly fantastic car.
It's a legendary car.
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748. I used to covet this massively.
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749. It wasn't just the speed I liked,
either.
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750. Because when you look at the bumpers
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751. sticking out like a spoiled child's
bottom lip,
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752. you get a sense
the Scandinavian engineers
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753. cared about the safety
of you and your family.
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754. I had my first proper road accident
in one of these.
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755. I was a passenger here on this side.
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756. I was only 17 and it belonged
to my girlfriend's dad.
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757. It was quite a rare car and it was
lovely, white with a blue stripe.
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758. The interior
was this brick-red dusty colour.
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759. And it was a really nice car.
We went around a roundabout
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760. and a car coming up the road
didn't stop and T-boned us here.
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761. I was perfectly OK. You would be
in a Saab. What was the girl called?
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762. Uh...
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763. Kate? No...
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764. You can remember the Saab had brick
red upholstery and had a blue stripe
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765. and where you were sitting
but not the name of the girlfriend.
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766. Was she called Derek?
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767. Because this car was fast and safe
and a bit left-field,
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768. it brought the Saab brand
to the attention of
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769. a very specific type of customer.
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770. A customer who has remained loyal
ever since.
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771. This person likes Audis.
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772. This one likes Ferraris.
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773. This one likes the bus.
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774. This one has a Honda.
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775. He has a Peugeot.
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776. And then this chap
with the black polo neck
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777. and the thin specs.
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778. He is an architect,
and he likes Saabs.
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779. Research has shown that Saab drivers
are the best educated people
on the roads.
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780. The 99 gave Saab customers other
companies could only dream about.
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781. This car, then, was Saab's
Dark Side Of The Moon.
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782. Their first big hit,
the one we all remember.
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783. None of the models that followed
the 99 Turbo appeared to have quite
the same appeal.
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784. But they did.
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785. 'What we have here is a 1980s BMW
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786. 'hanging upside down
eight feet from the ground.
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787. 'And what we are going to do
is drop it.'
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788. You wouldn't want to be in that
if it fell from a crane upside down.
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789. If you were Richard Hammond,
you'd be all right.
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790. Yeah, that's toast. The steering
wheel is touching the ceiling.
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791. 'So, let's see what happens
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792. 'when we drop a 1980s Saab 900
from the same height.'
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793. God, I really wouldn't
have believed that.
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794. I would not have believed that
in a million years. Look at that.
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795. I think you could get out as well.
That is stunning.
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796. Saab made the pillars so strong
that when they went rallying
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797. they didn't have to fit a roll cage.
Is that true? Yeah.
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798. They had to fit one because of
regulations but it wasn't necessary.
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799. I was talking the other day
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800. to a friend who is
a senior designer with
another Swedish car company
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801. and he said nobody
could ever work out why Saab cost
so much until they crashed it.
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802. Saab were always pathological
about safety.
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803. Before putting a car on sale
they made sure it could survive
just about anything.
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804. Even a head-on collision
with a moose.
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805. This attention to detail
caused a few problems
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806. when they conceived the 9000.
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807. Because, to save costs,
it was designed in tandem
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808. with the Lancia Thema.
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809. The idea was that
behind the different badges
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810. and underneath the bodies, the cars
would actually be the same.
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811. And it seemed like they were -
up until the point
that they were crash-tested.
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812. Lancia's engineers
described the results as perfect.
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813. Saab's engineers described them
as - I'm quoting directly here -
"not good at all."
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814. And from that moment on, the
joint venture completely fell apart.
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815. The Saab ended up with much bigger
wheels than the Lancia.
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816. It was also made out of
thicker steel
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817. and had a completely
different rear axle.
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818. Sticking to principles like that
is expensive.
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819. Saab was losing money hand over fist
on every car it made.
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820. Even advertising it as a jet fighter
for the road didn't help.
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821. Saab 9000.
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822. So, in 1989, Saab was bailed out
by General Motors.
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823. To try and larch some fiscal sense
into them,
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824. a team executives from GM
went over to Sweden and said,
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825. "This is a Cavalier
from our Vauxhall division."
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826. "To make your new car, you change
the body and the badges. That's it."
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827. Nice and cheap. Body and badges.
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828. Saab ignored them so completely
that their new 900
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829. shared only a third of its
components with the Cavalier.
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830. When the time came to replace
the 900 with the 93,
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831. the General Motors executives
went to Sweden again and said,
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832. "Here is the Vauxhall Vectra.
This time we mean it.
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833. "Only change the body
and the badges. Nothing else."
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834. Guess what?
The Swedes went even more mental.
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835. They changed so much that even
the wheelbase was different.
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836. At one point, a General Motors
accountant went to Sweden
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837. to see why Saab was costing them
so much money.
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838. He got into the new 93,
turned on the Sat Nav
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839. and thought, "Wait a minute,
that's not one of our systems."
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840. He was right, it wasn't.
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841. Saab had developed,
at vast expense, their own system
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842. because they thought GM's
wasn't good enough.
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843. Eventually, General Motors
had had enough.
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844. In 2010,
as Saab was finishing the job
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845. of turning the Vauxhall Insignia
into the completely different 95,
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846. the Detroit giants pulled the plug.
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847. The brand itself will have
some residual value,
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848. the company's facilities are likely
to be broken up and sold.
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849. At the last minute,
a buyer was found,
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850. a Dutchman who owned a small car
company called Spyker.
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851. To get the money rolling in,
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852. he needed to get the new 95 into the
showrooms as quickly as possible.
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853. That meant it went on sale
before it was finished.
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854. And that meant it was
a commercial flop.
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855. And so in January of this year,
Saab closed down for good.
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856. So, this is the last ever Saab
that we are in right now. Yeah.
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857. This is the final chapter. I really
like the way they did things.
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858. I am going to miss Saab.
It is a sad day. It is sad.
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859. It is a sad day, too,
for the Swedish town of Trollhattan
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860. where for 60 years the workforce has
tried to be different, to be better.
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861. To think outside the box.
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862. And, of course, it's very sad
for our architect friend who,
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863. from now on,
will have to buy a five series.
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864. Still, there's one crumb of comfort
because let's not forget
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865. whose engines powered
the first-ever jet fighter.
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866. BMW.
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867. Genuinely sad.
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868. You ought to know that
the Messerschmitt 262
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869. was supposed to use BMW engines
but it didn't work.
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870. It had Junker's engines
when it went into action.
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871. James, we haven't got time
for your precise history of aviation
since 1944!
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872. What I'm interested in, those
architects who've got Saabs today,
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873. if the company has gone,
will they be able to
keep their cars on the road?
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874. Well, you might imagine
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875. if you had a Saab you could take it
to a Vauxhall dealer
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876. but because Saab changed so much,
you may as well take it to WHSmith.
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877. They would be more likely to be
able to service it. The good news is
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878. a new company has started up
specifically to
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879. provide parts for Saabs.
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880. If you are an architect, fingers
crossed, you should be OK for a bit.
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881. That's the second week on the trot
we have ended with a useful piece
of consumer advice!
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882. It's weird. And on that bombshell,
it is time to end.
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883. Thank you so much for watching.
Good night!
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