Top Gear 12x2

1. On tonight's holiday programme, we go to San Francisco in California,

2. we have a night out in Reno, Nevada,

3. and we end up on the salt flats of Bonneville.

4. Thank you! Hello! Hello, and welcome.

5. Now that, that is all to come. But first,

6. ever since Mr Barclay stopped lending money to Mr Lloyd, and Mr Rock was bought

7. by Mr Brown, sales of flash new cars have almost completely stopped.

8. So does this mean it's the end of the road for the petrolhead,

9. or can you still have fun for eightpence?

10. This is the Fiat 500, and first things first,

11. James May doesn't like it at all.

12. He says it's too cutesy, too twee.

13. Mind you, we are talking here about a man who says that if he came to power,

14. his first job would be to carpet-bomb the Cotswold town of Burford.

15. I, on the other hand, would not bomb Burford, so I like the little Fiat a lot.

16. It's £4,000 cheaper than a Mini.

17. It's also smaller, more economical, and I think, better-looking.

18. And best of all, and I know this is a concept Eeyore May doesn't understand,

19. this car makes you feel happy.

20. - Yeah!

21. And now there's a new version, and that's even better.

22. This mad little scamp is the 500 Abarth, and here are the headlines.

23. The 1.4-litre engine has been turbocharged, so it produces 135 horsepower.

24. That means it'll do 130 miles an hour.

25. That's brilliant. Except the car I'm driving right now is the SS version,

26. which produces 160 horsepower.

27. 160 horsepower, in a car the size of a shoe?

28. That's fantastic!

29. In the toe...

30. With all that power going through the front wheels, there is a bit of tug

31. at the steering wheel, that's to be expected, and the ride is quite bouncy.

32. However, there's no bounciness in the cheque you'll have to write,

33. because prices are going to start at just £13,500.

34. And it's not what you'd call barren in here, either. It's got a slot down here

35. into which you can plug your... Windows.

36. It's got air conditioning, it's got MP3 connectivity, it's got a CD player,

37. and it's got a radio that plays...

38. Static.

39. Although, this could be Radio 1.

40. Now, you could solve that by fitting an aerial, and then what you'd end up with

41. is a small, cuddly pet mouse that can be used for killing burglars.

42. However, there is one teeny little thing that's niggling me.

43. You see, Abarth is to Fiat what AMG is to Mercedes-Benz,

44. its sort of in-house tuning company.

45. Only they're much, much more mad.

46. For example, in the '80s they got hold of the Strada,

47. and they fitted these fabulous bucket seats.

48. They were brilliant, except

49. you couldn't tilt them forward because the headrest hit the roof,

50. and that meant you couldn't get in the back.

51. And that was nothing compared to what they did to the 600.

52. What they did was tweak the engine. And then they found the only way of

53. keeping it cool was to run with the boot lid open.

54. And then they found that if they opened the boot lid fully

55. it made the car 11 kilometres an hour faster,

56. so this is how it was sold, with a boot lid that can't be closed.

57. That, and seats that won't fold forward, that is the Abarth way.

58. And that's the niggle I have with the new 500. Where's the lunacy?

59. If we x-ray it, we find the floor from a Panda,

60. the engine from a Punto,

61. a shape from the '60s and some Abarth badges.

62. What's more, behind the louvres and the big wheels and the lowered suspension

63. we find it has seating for four, just, and a boot, which is big enough for things.

64. On the move it doesn't bark, or try to turn itself into an oven glove,

65. and if you try to drive it with the bonnet open, it doesn't work at all.

66. I can't see where I'm going! I can't see a thing!

67. This car, then, is not mad in any way.

68. But on the upside, it is a pretty serious little racer.

69. I mean listen to the noise. It growls.

70. "Grrrr! I'm only this big, but I'm a Lamborghini, really.

71. "I am, I really am, I promise."

72. And look in here, it's got a steering wheel trimmed in red and black

73. like a man's washbag, and it's got body-hugging leather seats,

74. and it's got a button here that makes more torque,

75. and another button here that does something racy with it.

76. And look at this, a turbo boost gauge the size of a fat spaniel's face.

77. It corners well, too.

78. It's poised, it's composed, it's tidy, there are no histrionics.

79. "You see, I told you I was a Lamborghini. I am!"

80. In many ways, it reminds me of the original Golf GTI.

81. It's just a genuinely good small fast car.

82. I do, I love it. I really love it.

83. But as I said in the film, I do miss some of that Abarth idiocy.

84. What you're saying is, it would be better if it was worse.

85. - Yes. - But you're just being obtuse.

86. - You're the one that want s to attack the Cotswold.

87. Anyway, we must now find out how fast it goes around our track, and of course

88. that means handing it over to our team racing driver.

89. Some say that he invented November.

90. And that if he'd won the World Championship in Brazil last weekend,

91. there might have been one photograph of him

92. without his father gurning in the back of shot.

93. All we know is he's called the Stig.

94. And he's off. Wheels spin there.

95. This is the first front-wheel drive car we've had on the track for a while.

96. Okay, now, he's charging down to the first corner.

97. Oh, the hazards come on the hard braking, that's a sensible safety feature,

98. not at all what you want from an Abarth.

99. Stig still listening to Morse code. Better than static, I suppose,

100. as he squeaks around Chicago, and now down to the Hammerhead.

101. More hazard flashing, but it's front wheel drive, so will it understeer? Let's have a look.

102. Yes, there is a limit to the little terrier's grip.

103. Yet he's got it all gathered up in no time. Good boy.

104. Maybe he's signalling to his home planet.

105. Here he is, scampering through follow-through, panting and growling past the tyres.

106. This really is the kind of car you'd imagine would try to make love to your leg.

107. Two corners left. Clinging on bravely through there.

108. Now coming up to Gambon, turns in, kicks up some dust and across the line!

109. - Yeah. Quite done. Mm-hmm.

110. Now.

111. Let's not forget, shall we, that the little Fiat

112. costs £756,000 less

113. than the Zonda F, so you would expect it to be right down here,

114. and it is, actually. It's 1:35.5, there we are!

115. And now, let's do the news.

116. And if... Well, actually, that little Fiat, I just love it.

117. Seeing it on the telly as it bounces round the track, it's great.

118. But, if for some reason maybe you're like Eeyore, you don't want one of those...

119. Are you wearing that for a bet?

120. - Yeah, he is. - Yeah.

121. He is, ok. Sorry, you were saying, go on.

122. If, like Eeyore, you don't want one of those, there is an alternative

123. super-fast little micro car. It's this Renault Twingo 133.

124. Now that's 0-60, 8.7 seconds, 125 miles an hour, it's not quite as fast as the Fiat,

125. very nearly, but more importantly, that even with the clever sports chassis,

126. which is a 650 quid option, is still 1,300 quid less than the Fiat.

127. That's £12,200.

128. - That is extremely good value for money. - I love it.

129. It is. Actually, we've got one of those in the studio over there,

130. and I've been driving it this morning, and I think it's excellent.

131. I think, honestly, having driven both of them, and I have, the Fiat is £1,000 more,

132. but I think it's worth it. Does that make sense? It's worth £1,000 more.

133. And there's more fast, small car news from Renault with this, which is the Megan R26.R

134. and I think that looks really great as well.

135. - Yeah, yeah, I saw that and thought of you straightaway.

136. No, I thought, "What that James May is going to want is a hatchback with red wheels,

137. "six-point harnesses, a carbon-fibre bonnet, plastic windows.

138. - "That's him, all right." - And James, it's French, whom you like to think of as

139. lamb-burning communists. It's perfect for you in every way.

140. - How did you arrive at wanting that? - Because I like it.

141. Look, James, let me put it to you this way.

142. You would have to have literally no penis at all to buy a car like that.

143. - How do you work that out? - Well, because we're always being told that the flashness

144. of your car is inversely proportionate to the size... Is this right, girls?

145. So the larger the man's car, the flasher it is, the vegetable thing goes on.

146. Is that right? And you're saying that to a man with a 1.2-litre Fiat Panda?

147. Mr Swollen Wheel Arches Mercedes CLK Black.

148. He has a point there, he does. - You've got a Ford Mustang!

149. - Let's move on!

150. Can we stop talking about cars?

151. - Well, we weren't talking about cars. - That's true, we weren't

152. actually talking about cars latterly, but we were to start with.

153. Now, I want to congratulate Lewis Hamilton. I think we all should.

154. What a race, what a man.

155. - Not half. - What a performance.

156. A couple of tips, though, if you're watching, Lewis, okay?

157. We saw in the paper here that his girlfriend said, and she's the one

158. from the Pussycat Dolls, "You're going to get it tonight."

159. That's what she said after the race.

160. We then saw in another paper that he'd actually done this,

161. stayed up until 9am.

162. If you've got a Pussycat Doll, Lewis, saying "You're going to get it tonight,"

163. here's an idea. Go to bed and have it.

164. Maybe he didn't realise what she meant.

165. "I've already won it!" No, not that!

166. - How could he get it so wrong? - We're a bit baffled by that.

167. Next year, this is the good thing about Formula One, it's coming home to the BBC.

168. Hooray! - Yeah, no adverts!

169. The only problem we've got is that there are some people speculating

170. that the person who's going to get the commentary job, who's going to be

171. the modern-day Murray Walker, is Richard Hammond.

172. I've seen that in the papers.

173. - A man... - It came as a surprise.

174. He has never watched a Formula One race in his life.

175. - Uh, no, actually. - You weren't even watching last weekend.

176. No, I was driving home.

177. Did you look around and think, "God, the traffic's quiet tonight."

178. I did get a clear run, I must say.

179. If he got the job, it really would be, "And they're off!

180. "And look at that idiot in the Mercedes SL, he's holding them up!"

181. "No, Richard, that's the parade lap."

182. "Wow, there's a red one in the lead, he's pulled in, what? For petrol?

183. "Well, why didn't he just fill up before he left?"

184. He would! It would be...

185. I freely admit I wouldn't be very good at that.

186. He would be the worst person in the world for that job.

187. Well, not absolutely.

188. Who would be good? Anyone got any thoughts?

189. - Dale Winton. - Brilliant.

190. - Russell Brand. - Yes! No.

191. "I rang Ralf Schumacher and... We're off the air."

192. It took time.

193. Yeah.

194. I can't think of anybody. It's going to have to be me.

195. Now, the time has come, I fear. Lots of complaints after last week's programme.

196. Internet kind of awash with hate, people demanding an apology, and I'm only too

197. happy to give one. I am very sorry that I didn't put the GT2's time on the board.

198. - Really. I don't know what to say.

199. We had more complaints about that than we had about burning Steve Redgraves' shed.

200. - But, what was the time? - That's the thing.

201. You thought it was quicker than the Gallardo, yes? And it wasn't.

202. It was exactly the same time. I forgot what it was, 1:19.6 or something.

203. - It was exactly the same time. - There you go, then. It's the same time.

204. So it's the same as your four-wheel-drive Lambo, the two-wheel-drive Porsche.

205. - Did it. It's as good. - You could do it once, okay, in the Porsche.

206. If you did it a second lap, it'd kill you.

207. Only if you were a useless coward. So it's a better car.

208. - Right. Time to move on.

209. What we have down here is a selection of American muscle cars.

210. Now, the recipe for this sort of thing was always very simple,

211. massive engine, crude, simple suspension, very low price,

212. and finally some orange paint.

213. Now this sort of thing never really caught on in the civilised world,

214. and we thought that, what with petrol prices being so high now,

215. they'd have died out in America as well.

216. However, in the last few months three brand-new American muscle cars

217. have arrived, so we thought we'd best pop over to the States

218. and find out if they're any good.

219. Unfortunately, there was a problem. You see, we all have visas which allow us to go

220. to America and make a factual documentary,

221. but since our last trip over there,

222. when I might have accidentally put a cow on the roof of my car,

223. the US State Department, no less,

224. has decided Top Gear is actually now an entertainment show.

225. And unfortunately that requires a different type of visa, and we didn't have time

226. to go and get one. So, in the end, we were only allowed into the country

227. if we promised... This isn't a lie, is it?

228. - No, absolutely for real. - Absolutely, hand on heart.

229. if we promised not to be entertaining.

230. The idea was that we'd meet up with our muscle cars in San Francisco,

231. the fourteenth most populous city in America.

232. But immediately we ran into another problem.

233. This is the Cadillac CTS-V that James will be driving.

234. This is the Corvette ZR1 that I'll be driving.

235. And this is an empty space

236. where Richard's Dodge Challenger should have been parked.

237. It isn't here because Chrysler, the people who make the Dodge Challenger,

238. said we're always horrid about their cars, and they decided at the last minute

239. not to lend us one.

240. Now, if this was normal Top Gear, we'd just

241. make a Challenger out of leaves or something.

242. Yes, or push Hammond off there and carry on without him.

243. Exactly, but we decided to show Chrysler...

244. - In a factual, not an entertaining way. - Oh, absolutely.

245. that Britain is not a bankrupt rock in the North Atlantic,

246. and that we will not be pushed around by a two-bit car company.

247. This is a Dodge Challenger that I've just bought.

248. Yeah, thought you could stop us, did you?

249. Because of demand for these cars over here right now, I have had to pay $51,000,

250. which is $10,000 more than the list price.

251. But all the same, I reckon that, what, £28,000 is not a lot for 425 horsepower,

252. and a sound that can start earthquakes.

253. - Oh, yeah!

254. That's, uh, that's subtle.

255. Once we were all assembled, we broke out the map.

256. We had to get from San Francisco across California and Nevada

257. to the Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah,

258. where in three days' time, we'd been entered

259. for the SpeedWeek drag races.

260. Now look, you two. No irony, no hyperbole, no sarcasm, and don't put a cow on your roof.

261. - Can I crash into James every time we stop? - No.

262. - Just a tiny... - No!

263. All right.

264. If Hammond drives into May's car, Bruce Willis will come in a State Department gunship

265. and we shall all be killed!

266. We burbled out of San Francisco,

267. which is, uh, the fourteenth most populous city in America,

268. towards the Golden Gate.

269. Opened in 1937, this $27 million colossus

270. is much like the Humber Bridge in Britain. Only smaller.

271. I want to make it plain that was a fact.

272. And here's another one. After just half an hour, James had decided

273. he didn't like his Cadillac very much.

274. What exactly were they thinking of?

275. This ambassador for the relaxed American way of travelling around in style

276. has a 6.2-litre supercharged V8

277. developing 556 horsepower.

278. It's just not necessary. If you wanted...

279. The moaning went on.

280. What was wrong with being a Cadillac? It's supposed to be soft and floaty,

281. you're supposed to not know you're driving...

282. it's been around the Nurburgring, and sending a car around the Nurburgring

283. spoils it. It's as simple as that.

284. I can see exactly why the muscle car never caught on...

285. Unlike James, I absolutely understand the appeal of muscle cars.

286. Factually, they're like killer whales. They're very striking to look at, very fast,

287. but you wouldn't want to own one.

288. This Corvette ZR1 is a classic case in point.

289. About the same basic engine that James has in his Cadillac,

290. but while he has to make do with only 550 horsepower,

291. I have 640.

292. That is intoxicating.

293. I'm not being entertaining, I'm just saying, that is really incredible.

294. It may cost $100,000, which is a lot for a Corvette, but it is Enzo fast.

295. 0-60 takes three seconds. The top speed is 205.

296. It is ballistic, but you can't have a Corvette in Britain.

297. It's too brash, too ghastly.

298. It'd be like turning up at one of the Queen's garden parties

299. in chromed cowboy boots and chaps.

300. Of course, Hammond failed to understand any of this because deep down,

301. he is a secret American.

302. I love muscle cars.

303. I love the fact that they're about standing quarter miles,

304. about racing away from the lights when the police aren't looking.

305. They're about cowboy boots, work boots, denim jeans, dime stores, bars...

306. I love that.

307. I'm feeling cooler already. I'm chewing gum and everything.

308. James, meanwhile, wasn't even enjoying the excellent music

309. on the local radio station.

310. I wasn't expecting to hear that.

311. "On tonight's programme..."

312. High in the Sierra Nevada mountains, we pulled over next to Lake Tahoe,

313. the eighth deepest lake in the world.

314. But because we could only look at its shimmering beauty in a factual way, we didn't bother,

315. and concentrated instead on teasing Hammond about some of the facts on his Challenger.

316. - Is this real carbon fibre? - No, it's not.

317. - Are these real Ram air scoops? - No.

318. I'm sorry, Richard, it's a joke car.

319. It's not supposed to be a Rolls-Royce. It's simple, it's fast, it's a workers' car.

320. It's for blue-collar workers, it's simple...

321. Are you born in the USA or something? What has happened to you?

322. Let me put it this way. This is like a bodybuilder, right? Hugely impressive,

323. but when you take its trunks down, it's hello, Mr...

324. What do you mean, you put it in a melon?

325. Sorry. Sorry. Don't send helicopters.

326. Why do you got secondary double-glazing on your bonnet?

327. It's... What's the point?

328. Why do you have that?

329. Lamborghini and Ferrari put a glass engine cover on these days,

330. so you can see the craftsmanship.

331. - Yes. - This?

332. So you can see some writing and some showing off.

333. - I quite like that. - You...

334. - I do. I like it! - The Ferrari is made by craftsmen in Maranello.

335. - This is made by two fat blokes in Kentucky. - Called Bud and Bob.

336. This plastic comes from the same plastic they use to make newsreaders over here.

337. That's the same colour as well.

338. Is there nothing about your car that you like?

339. Well, factually, no.

340. Because the last time we were here you bought a Cadillac, and you loved that.

341. Yeah, but I was being entertaining.

342. Fearful that James may have made a joke, we decided to leave.

343. - Quickly, go, Bruce Willis will be here. - I can hear helicopters.

344. After an hour or so, there was a worrying announcement from Jeremy.

345. I'm starting to like this Corvette.

346. It's ridiculous.

347. It isn't the power, it's the surprise of the power.

348. When you're driving a Ferrari Enzo, you expect it to go like stink.

349. This, though, it's quiet, it's comfortable, it's spacious,

350. it's beautifully air-conditioned,

351. so you're simply not ready for the savagery when you put your foot down.

352. And I've got a head-up display with my lateral G and my supercharger pressure,

353. and I've got the best stereo in the world.

354. Facts, Jeremy, facts.

355. As night began to fall, and with James still complaining about his car...

356. to make a BMW M5...

357. we arrived in Reno,

358. which is like Las Vegas, only smaller. And worse.

359. It's a town with some lightbulbs on it.

360. Weirdly, James made straight for a casino.

361. - Welcome to Circus Circus. - Can't wait. Sorry.

362. While out on the street, I was trying to keep the Duke of Hammond under control.

363. Don't race between the lights.

364. - No. - Yeah, that's what we mustn't do.

365. In Nevada's casinos, you can usually win a car of some sort.

366. Sadly, the prize in this casino was this.

367. Still, it was better than that stupid Cadillac.

368. Evening.

369. Meanwhile, we were still thinking of things we weren't supposed to do, to do.

370. Are you about ready? Are you ready?

371. - Here, okay? - Go!

372. Two revving V8's and the alarms went berserk.

373. - Run away, run away. - Go, go, go! Don't screech your wheels!

374. Oh, well, that helped, Jeremy, that helped.

375. It won't change unless you change that.

376. Yeah, it won't change unless you change that. Now you've hit again.

377. Where are you guys from? Australia?

378. James wasn't really enjoying his company,

379. but then, neither was Jeremy.

380. - I didn't know you were the police. - Police. Real police.

381. - Well, I just, I... - So the squealing the tyres, and the revving the engines...

382. Oh no, sorry, my foot slipped off the clutch.

383. - No. I don't buy that for a second. - Okay. Sorry.

384. Oh dear.

385. After a ticking off from the police, we went to find James.

386. - That's desperate. - That is desperate.

387. - You'd rather have that than your Cadillac? - Yup.

388. What is that? It's hideous.

389. We decided to turn in, and leave James with his new best friends.

390. - Are you, uh, John Lennon? - Might be.

391. - Well, you're from the best band that I ever heard. - Thank you.

392. Not arrested yet.

393. Okay, right, we're going to pick that up later on, but now

394. it's time to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.

395. My guest tonight won a programme called Pop Idol, which of course means

396. I've never heard of him.

397. Bit difficult, this, but ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

398. that man over there.

399. It's Will Young, everybody!

400. I'm being obtuse.

401. I'm being obtuse again.

402. Now, I'm not very good at chat shows, as we discovered last week.

403. We had Michael Parkinson on.

404. And what's really worrying me is that when Simon Cowell came here,

405. I may have said accidentally that you look like you've been hit in the face with an axe.

406. And now you're here.

407. I get... Because I think I've got quite a wide jaw,

408. so I've had Slick-jaw McGraw and...

409. But I've never heard "hit in the face with an axe."

410. Well it's like, bouf, "Oh, look what you've done now!"

411. Anyway, the interesting thing, or the thing I find interesting, is that you have

412. actually got a career out of winning Pop Idol, which of course became The X Factor.

413. - Yeah. - Because most of them... Don't.

414. Going back looking at the winners, obviously I have to refer to notes here

415. because they are meaningless names, Shane Warne?

416. Shane Ward.

417. - I don't know, what's Ward? - He's a cricketer, even I know that.

418. Shane Warne's a cricketer? I don't know anything about cricket, either.

419. - Don't tell me you're a cricket fan. - It's like talking to my dad.

420. Leon Jackson? He's good? He's not as good as Camel or Gong, trust me, love.

421. Nobody's heard of Camel or Gong, Focus or Genesis, Led Zeppelin, The Who?

422. Smoke on the Water, people normally get that one.

423. - What's Smoke on the Water? - Oh, for God's sake.

424. But this is you, isn't it? Your record collection doesn't go past 1979, does it?

425. - When were you born? - And I was born in 1979.

426. See, this is where I think you've had this problem, is you were born the year,

427. quite literally, the music died,

428. because the Clash were pretty much over in '79,

429. prog rock was over. What was going on when you were growing up? What did you listen to?

430. Well, I listened to a lot of my parents' so it would have been Joni Mitchell, Beatles...

431. This explains why you're so successful now. Of course you've got a new album out.

432. - What's that called? - It's called Let It Go, which I think sounds a little bit

433. like a self-help book, but it's the only title I could...

434. And you're on the South Bank Shownow, I mean, you really have achieved.

435. X-Factorto The South Bank Showis astonishing.

436. Yeah, but this, you see, I'm dead chuffed to be on this show,

437. - because I'm quite an avid watcher. Yeah. - This?

438. I am the guy that watches the reruns on Dave.

439. So you really do, because I've often wondered, "Who's watching it again?"

440. That's me. I'm the loser.

441. So you're a bit of a car man?

442. I am a car man, and my family have always been car mad.

443. My grandparents used to have amazing cars.

444. They had XK120s, they had a Bristol,

445. my grandmother had an Alfa Spider, you know, they always had them,

446. and then my mom and my dad have always been into cars.

447. And also, we do love each other but we don't really get on that well sometimes,

448. so when we go on holiday, if we go to Scotland,

449. we all drive in our separate cars. We can't be in the car together.

450. - Seriously? - Yeah.

451. Does it ever develop into a race?

452. We have... No, no because we're very responsible and we don't have races.

453. - But anyway, I did a race once. I did a Top Gearrace. - Really?

454. Yeah. I had the best car I've ever driven.

455. It was a Range Rover, supercharged Sport,

456. and my friends were flying back from Newquay and we were

457. driving back and we did our own Top Gearrace.

458. - What, to see who could get back to London? - Notting Hill.

459. - Ooh, now that's interesting. Who won? - We won.

460. - In the car? - Yeah.

461. - Good man. That's the ticket.

462. So where did your car story begin? What was the first car that you had?

463. - The inevitable Mini? - There was a Mini, yeah, a racing green Mini.

464. Which was great because I always think it was like Lego, you could just sort of...

465. I remember buying another Mini for 80 quid just for the wheels, and then you put

466. bucket seats in, you had racing pedals, and you could interchange the whole time.

467. We should all start with Minis, let's be honest. It's the right place to start.

468. Yes, like a go-kart, you're so low to the ground you feel like you're doing 100.

469. The wing mirrors used to flap at 80.

470. You are interested in aesthetics. Property is an area you've moved into.

471. Yeah, I love doing them up. I've just got a place in Brighton that's quite

472. dilapidated and I love bringing it back to former glory.

473. Does yours always end up rubbish, because mine, I've just done my house up,

474. and I think, "Well what did I do that for?"

475. But it's quite addictive, don't you think? Everything down to the right cushion.

476. - I like the whole detail. - I've just had that exact same thing, and the poor woman

477. who's been trying to get my cushion fabric. You may find this surprising, but I've

478. been really going at, "No, no, the brown stripe's too wide. I want more orange."

479. I wouldn't have you down for that type of man.

480. Maybe we should start a programme.

481. Jeremy and Will Do Up Surrey Houses.

482. Ooh, I'd love to do up Surrey houses.

483. I was fighting over shag pile carpets.

484. - I don't like shag pile. - Neither do I.

485. - Have you ever been to the Chelsea Flower Show? - I have, actually.

486. I went to the Chelsea Flower Show to get a water feature, talk among yourselves,

487. and they're pathetic, they are useless water features.

488. I've just got some authentic Spanish tiles for my garden, and a water feature,

489. - and it's slate, but the water... - What colour slate? Grey?

490. - Yeah, that's the colour of slate. - Yeah, but they...

491. This is how the show could go!

492. It would either go incredibly well and our careers would go to new heights...

493. Or it would end in a massive fight at the end every week.

494. Oh, if we had a fight you'd probably kill me.

495. No, really, I've just got arms like pipe cleaners. You're quite trim actually, not trim,

496. fit, I'm saying all the wrong things. Strong.

497. Uh, right, now, your lap. How did it go out there?

498. I think I did all right, but some things the Stig was saying to me

499. I didn't quite get, particularly the last corner. I had a lot of problems

500. - with the last corner. - I have to say, the Stig was impressed.

501. - Really? - Oh, he was impressed. I mean, you were let down slightly by

502. the lord of weather today, it was drizzling, wasn't it?

503. Yeah, it started drizzling, which I think is the worst...

504. But he says that you have a gung ho attitude, fearless, and also precision,

505. - a feel for cars. - Oh, good. Oh, good!

506. - Shall we see how he got on? - I know everyone says this, but I'm so nervous.

507. I'll either be elated, or I shall be weeping.

508. Let's have a look at the lap. Here we go.

509. I've just turned the air con off, thinking that would make a difference.

510. How competitive I am!

511. It'll make a huge difference, about 10% more power.

512. You really are intent, look at this.

513. Windscreen wipers on, how do they work? I can't see anything.

514. But it's raining. You do need to have them on.

515. That's not bad, if you can get it back in tight again for the exit, which you have.

516. I'm so sweaty. Come on!

517. - Hammerhead. Hammerhead. Hammerhead. It's very hard, that.

518. It's the hardest corner on any track. If you keep it in those lines... Yes, look at that.

519. - What were you worried about? - Hey, that's all right, isn't it?

520. Yes.

521. Don't lift off the gas.

522. And you didn't go over the red and whites. Flat out through there.

523. This is terrifying.

524. Oh, now we've slowed down. That's too slow. Too slow!

525. - I know, I just couldn't... - Were you frightened a bit about crashing there?

526. And there we are! Across the line!

527. That second to last corner.

528. What happened?

529. Where do you reckon, then? Now, bear in mind if it's wet, as you can see, the wet laps

530. start down here. This is very wet. Keith Allen, Rob Brydon.

531. They're down in the 1:51s.

532. - Do I get a wet lap? - Oh yes, there's no question it was wet.

533. I'm assured by the Stig. Well, damp. I'll put a D on it.

534. Or an M. Which do you want? Would you like moist or damp?

535. We've got to do that show, you know. It'd be brilliant.

536. - Yeah. - D, please.

537. D. Right, you've got a D for damp.

538. Oh, God.

539. Come on. Hazard a guess.

540. What, hazard... Oh, I don't know. I'd like to be in the top ten.

541. Well, you can't be, it's wet.

542. All right, well, I'd like to be in the top ten of the damp, wet people.

543. Of the damp people, okay. I have to say, I'm just prolonging your agony now.

544. Oh, you're such a, aren't you? You can't put that out.

545. You did it in 1 minute...

546. 48.9. That's the fastest wet lap we've ever had.

547. That is right...

548. Is that good?

549. I know you're going to look disappointed but that's not our fault.

550. - I'm a little disappointed. - I think that's an incredibly good time on a damp track.

551. Okay. It's been brilliant. Thank you.

552. It's been great fun having you. A car fan at last!

553. Ladies and gentlemen, Will Young!

554. Now, tonight, we're trying to get three fast cars from San Francisco

555. to the SpeedWeek drag races at the Bonneville Salt Flats. Usual range of problems.

556. We've got visas that only allow us to be factual, not entertaining.

557. Jeremy has met a policeman. And James hates his car.

558. We rejoin the action at Reno, which is, factually speaking, a toilet.

559. Good morning. This is KAOL

560. and it's another beautiful day in northern Nevada.

561. Not for James, it wasn't.

562. He'd been up all night, hadn't won the trike,

563. and was now facing another day in his hateful Cadillac.

564. What an appalling cackhole.

565. Now, the quick way from Reno to Bonneville is on the Interstate.

566. But, to cheer James up, Hammond and I decided not to use it.

567. Uh, chaps, why are we going the long way around?

568. Well, because we've got really good cars.

569. We would be using the I50, which has been known as the loneliest road in America

570. since 1986. That's a staggering 22 years.

571. It crosses all of Nevada and is famous for going past

572. almost nothing of any interest whatsoever.

573. It was on this very road that they shot the epic film Vanishing Point.

574. It was about a bloke being chased by police in a Dodge Challenger.

575. He smashed into a digger and was killed, I seem to remember.

576. I won't do that bit.

577. That sound of a big V8 growling and bellowing across the desert

578. has got to be one of the single most evocative noises in the world.

579. Look at that road. Look at it.

580. You could just become mesmerised by the straightness of it.

581. After a while, though, we became bored by the straightness of it.

582. There are 213 stitches on my door panel.

583. If you add up all the numbers on my dashboard, it comes to 1,247.

584. My battery is producing 12.9 volts.

585. To liven things up, I decided to stop for some elevenses, Corvette style.

586. What are you doing?

587. I've just laid these black lines on the road and I bet you

588. you can't do longer ones.

589. I bet you a million pounds I can. This is what this car's for!

590. What are we doing? - Well, you're keeping a lookout while

591. he tries to lay longer black lines down the road than I've managed.

592. But what if somebody sees us?

593. I don't think they will.

594. - Ready? Here I go. - Yes.

595. Hopeless!

596. This may be harder than I thought. It's automatic.

597. Right, back him out the way. Let's see if May can do it.

598. This can only go well.

599. - Have you turned the traction control off? - Yes.

600. - Have you ever done that in your life? - No.

601. I think it's very game of him to join in.

602. Right, lots of revs, steering wheel straight.

603. Ooh.

604. Oh, cock!

605. You are such an imbecile. What do you call that?

606. - I overcorrected. - How well does that bode for Bonneville?

607. He can't drive in a straight line.

608. Traction control. On.

609. We tried going back to being factual.

610. Cows.

611. But soon we ran out of facts.

612. - Oh, God, look. It's clouding over. - Aw.

613. After what felt like six years, we came across some civilisation,

614. where Richard said he fancied an all day breakfast in a good old boys' American diner.

615. And that gave me an opportunity to think of another thing

616. we weren't supposed to do, to do.

617. All our cars have keyless go, so providing you have the key

618. about your person, somewhere near the car, the engine will start.

619. I think, however, that Dodges are a bit crude.

620. So, Hammond's sitting there, okay? He's got the keys in his pocket.

621. He'll know he's left it open. I don't have his key.

622. Okay, ready?

623. Im going to re-park it. I'm not sure how far I can actually drive before

624. the engine realises there's no key.

625. But I think if I put it... I don't know, about here. Perfect.

626. Sorry.

627. With that factual test completed, we enjoyed a light breakfast

628. and chatted about our road trip.

629. How much are you looking forward to Bonneville?

630. More than I've looked forward to anything, in pretty much forever.

631. I've wanted to go there since I was a small boy.

632. - I'm going to buy a Corvette when I get to England. - You won't.

633. It was time to hit the road.

634. - Onwards! - Is that... My car was there and now it's there.

635. - Did you leave it there? - No, of course I didn't leave it in the road!

636. - I've got the... - I'd go and get it if I were you.

637. How the...

638. - Oh, God, I'm sorry. Sorry!

639. That's weird.

640. Back on the I50, I rechecked my stitching.

641. Eighteen, 19, 20, 21.

642. And James carried on moaning.

643. isn't a proper American luxury car. This is some sort of ridiculous American...

644. At the end of the I50, there's another very straight road to Bonneville,

645. but Richard and I decided it would be more fun to go there

646. on the longer, twisting road through the mountains.

647. - So we'll go that way. - Why can't we just go there?

648. Look, James, Cadillac has never heard of Germany, okay?

649. But despite that, this car has been around the Nurburgring in less than eight minutes.

650. It's supposed to be the fastest four-door saloon ever.

651. On those twisting roads, you'll love it.

652. And, you know what? On this astonishing road, he did.

653. All of a sudden, that stuff about limited slip differentials

654. and magnetic suspension all makes complete sense.

655. Oh, yes.

656. It's so planted.

657. This is the best American car I've ever driven,

658. by a distance as great as that road.

659. The lighter, grippier Corvette, however, was even better.

660. Man, this is great.

661. How can a car as docile as this one is most of the time

662. be this exciting when the road gets twisty? How is that possible?

663. It's also such a joy to have all this power and all this handling

664. and a proper manual gearbox, not those stupid flappy panels.

665. Simple traction control, on or off.

666. Are you listening, Ferrari?

667. Well done, fat men from Kentucky. This is a masterpiece!

668. Here in the mountains, James and I have discovered

669. we weren't really driving point and squirt muscle cars.

670. We were in full-on sports cars.

671. Richard, on the other hand, was driving a traditional muscle car.

672. And he wasn't having quite such a good time.

673. Ooh!

674. The Challenger's not really very good at this sort of thing.

675. The steering though, is... Numb, actually. It's quite numb.

676. Meanwhile, back at the front, something amazing was happening.

677. This is just a... Oh, my God, look at this. I just got overtaken!

678. Sorry, mate, but you were spoiling the view ahead slightly.

679. Now, that won't do.

680. What's got into him?

681. Try and keep up, Jezzer.

682. He is really shifting now, he's Captain Slow.

683. This was way too exciting for the US government.

684. And, anyway, we had to reach Bonneville before nightfall,

685. so we rejoined the main highway and went for it.

686. Sadly, though, this was also too much for the US government.

687. I just wanted to make sure that you guys were doing the documentary.

688. It is a documentary. It's not like a fooling around show, no. A serious show.

689. Jeremy's sincerity wasn't convincing,

690. and his hand gestures didn't help either.

691. Everything you said, everything you said made it worse.

692. - At one point, I wanted to... - Look, did I tell him we were doing a factual documentary?

693. There's going to be no issues with the visa.

694. What's really alarming is, you've actually been quite entertaining.

695. - I wasn't entertaining. - No, I found you entertaining.

696. - Yeah, you were. - I was being factual!

697. After that, we drove on in a factual manner, excited that soon we would be

698. in Bonneville, the Mecca of speed.

699. And it really is a pilgrimage. I mean, for a petrolhead, that is hallowed ground.

700. We woke up the next morning, having spent the night in our rented Winnebago,

701. on the salt flats themselves.

702. Caused by global warming about 15,000 years ago,

703. they've been used by speed freaks since 1912.

704. Keen to become one of those speed freaks, I was up extremely early.

705. Now, as we know, practice makes perfect,

706. so I'm going to get some practice now

707. before the course opens, in the 'Bago.

708. Clarkson! - What?

709. - I know it's you. - What are you doing?

710. - We're up to 40 miles an hour in the 'Bago! Come on! - I was asleep!

711. - Where's May? - I'm back here on the throne. Clarkson, it's not funny!

712. Clarkson, you infantile pillock. You're tidying that up.

713. At 9:00, the event began

714. and we immediately bought some hats so we'd blend in.

715. Morning.

716. Then it was time for our safety briefing.

717. On a run, if a car has a problem, they blow up an engine, or catch fire,

718. they turn out to the right and we know immediately to send the fire truck.

719. - So we go right if we have a problem? - That's correct.

720. If we go left, spinning wildly out of control,

721. that doesn't mean we haven't had a problem,

722. it just means that we haven't been able to go to the right.

723. Our challenge was simple...

724. To see what speed we could achieve as we went past the mile marker.

725. I'm not leaving here until I've achieved 170 miles an hour.

726. - 150 is my target. - 160.

727. - 50, 60, 70. - Right, gentlemen.

728. On a mile-long run on tarmac, our cars would hit those speeds easily,

729. but on salt, that's a very different story.

730. Theres a top coat of tiny crystals.

731. You kind of float over 130. You start floating around a little bit.

732. It's slicker. The surface responds differently to the tyres.

733. - Does it slide about? - Sometimes. Depends on how much horsepower you put down.

734. - 425, what will happen then? - You'll spin out.

735. - Okay. - You'll spin out? So what am I going to do at 640 horsepower?

736. You're going to have to be awfully careful.

737. It was time for our first runs.

738. Cry "Havoc," and let slip the dogs of war.

739. They probably think that's a Bon Jovi lyric here.

740. Okay, here we go.

741. Come on now, baby. This is your territory. This is what you do.

742. Just that little bit more.

743. Oh, that was a bad start.

744. A bit of snaking. Bit of wobble. Come on, car.

745. One mile! There we go.

746. Course is clear.

747. All of us were too slow. - 166.

748. - 157. - 142.

749. - But that's not... - No, I know.

750. To reach our targets, we'd have to get the wheel spin off the line exactly right.

751. Every gear change, exactly right.

752. We'd have to get our line in the salt exactly right.

753. Every bit of the run would have to be perfect.

754. And that's a tall order for us lot.

755. I hit the limiter. - No, this is hopeless.

756. 144.

757. 166.

758. 153. Ignoring that one.

759. Come on, come on...

760. Oh no, I misdrove!

761. It's going to be worse, no!

762. This is so irritating.

763. Oh,

764. - 144. - 157.

765. Missing a gear cost me three miles an hour.

766. It just doesn't work with the traction control off.

767. That was a complete cock-up.

768. That was hopeless. I'm going backwards.

769. - 144 again! - Ugh.

770. In the midst of all this disappointment, though,

771. the little red Corvette achieved something amazing.

772. Well, you've got the fastest run we've ever clocked on these clocks.

773. Most people would be pleased to break a record for production cars...

774. Damn, damn, damn, damn!

775. But Jeremy was still shy of his 170 mile-an-hour target.

776. They call this salt fever, when you become so obsessed

777. that you can think of nothing but going faster and faster and faster.

778. - Sod it! Even Captain Slow was infected.

779. Oi! Isn't that James, middle name queue-barger?

780. I like this game.

781. To help us find more speed, Jeremy and I pumped our tyres up,

782. while Richard had found an expert who said he should let some air out.

783. If you have too much air in the tyre, the air is actually holding

784. the pressure out on the side wall so the tyre can't grow.

785. I'm really pinning my hopes on that guy being one of those mystic gurus of the flats.

786. They exist.

787. Jeremy and I lined up for another run with our tyres bulging at 50 psi.

788. Warning notices all over my dashboard and I'm ready to rock!

789. Good gear change there. Didn't hit the rev limiter this time.

790. Come on, stretch it, stretch it, stretch it. 162. 164. 165.

791. 169. Half-a-mile an hour to go.

792. Come on, come on, come on, come on. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

793. - 159. - Oh, God! I can't do it.

794. It had been close, but no banana for Jeremy and James.

795. So now, watch and learn.

796. That's a much better start. It's going to work.

797. Come on, Challenger. Think of the glory, think of the honour.

798. - 130... What's that? I can't read it.

799. 139.

800. It was afterwards, when we were making the front of my car more streamlined,

801. that I learned a bit more about my salt guru.

802. How much of your life have you spent on the flats?

803. This is my first time on the salt.

804. Okay.

805. Still, he was pretty good with Sellotape,

806. so with my grill sealed over and my tyres pumped up, I set off for another run.

807. Snaky start. Snaky start. Come on.

808. Oh no, a bit of tape's gone. I can't press the pedal any harder.

809. Come on, come on, keep climbing, keep climbing, keep climbing.

810. Do you have a knife I can borrow? There you go, Challenger, breathe.

811. With my tyres pumped up to the point of exploding,

812. I set off after Hammond.

813. Forward into the pages of history!

814. Synchro's getting a bit weak on second.

815. That's 153, 4...

816. Come on, stretch it, stretch it.

817. Come on, Vette.

818. Ooh, I don't know.

819. I didn't expect that. Then I've done it.

820. 150.02.

821. - What? - Just this second, that last run.

822. - You've done it? - I've done it. 150.02.

823. - What have I just done? - Let's see.

824. - 176.549! - No!

825. So, could Slow make it three out of three?

826. Come on. Quick change.

827. Come on, come on, come on.

828. 176 miles an hour.

829. I got my 150 from my Challenger.

830. I've ruined it, obviously.

831. Come on.

832. Please let that be it.

833. - Was it a good run? - Felt like it. Sir?

834. - 163! - Yes!

835. - We've all done it. - Has Hammond done it?

836. Hammond's done 150. He's celebrating in the honey bucket. Hammond!

837. - What? - He did it!

838. - What, 160? - 163!

839. - We've all hit our target! - We've all done it!

840. We were ambitious and for the first time ever, successful.

841. - We've never been good at anything before. - And, we've been factual.

842. Our success, though, was not the biggest surprise on this trip.

843. We came here wondering if America had finally made a car

844. that might actually work in the civilised world.

845. The answer is no, they haven't.

846. As you can see from our smiles, they've made three.

847. They were, all three, just great.

848. They were. I reckon my Vette was better than that Renault Twingo.

849. - I'd rather have the Challenger. - Yes.

850. Perhaps they're not quite as well made as we'd like.

851. No, but they were just fantastic fun. We just love them.

852. And on that Obama-shell, it's time to end the show.

853. Thanks very much for watching. See you next week. Good night.