Top Gear 11x6

1. Tonight, Richard spins off the track. Twice!

2. - Jay Kay tries to get to number one.

3. And Germany or Britain, which is best?

4. Thank you. Hello! Hello and welcome.

5. Thanks very much. Now...

6. Now, after our, uh, our recent trip to Japan,

7. where I raced the bullet train,

8. I stayed on for an extra day

9. so I could drive the incredible Nissan GT-R around the track.

10. Now, James, on the other hand, he decided to stay on for a little while

11. because he wanted to drive a car which he claimed

12. would be a lot more relevant to the average British motorist

13. than a jumped-up £50,000 Datsun.

14. Now, I'm fairly confident you won't have seen one of these before.

15. Are you ready?

16. It's called the Orochi,

17. and it's looks are based on a fish, a snake and Pamela Anderson's mouth.

18. I rather like it.

19. It costs £44,000.

20. It's made by a company called Mitsuoka.

21. You've probably never heard of them either,

22. but they are a proper Japanese car maker.

23. In fact, they're the tenth biggest car maker in the country,

24. after Toyota, Nissan, Honda and six others.

25. Mitsuoka makes the chassis, the body and the interior all by itself,

26. but the engine, a 3.3-litre V6, comes from Toyota.

27. So, it looks like a sports car,

28. but is it any good as one?

29. Well, it isn't very fast, it doesn't make much noise

30. and the ride is surprisingly comfortable.

31. By which I mean, the ride is actually

32. rather excellent for a supercar,

33. so, obviously, I think it suits me rather well.

34. Although, Hammond and Clarkson might like to continue shopping around.

35. But Mitsuoka makes another car,

36. which, on paper, is even more up my street.

37. Here it is, and it's called the Galue.

38. That foremost social commentator, Alan Partridge,

39. once said that the Lexus is Japan's Mercedes-Benz.

40. In which case, the Mitsuoka Galue could be, but this is only a hunch,

41. Japan's Rolls-Royce.

42. But at a nice, un-Rolls-Royce-ish price,

43. because it costs an agreeable £32,000.

44. But looking like a Rolls-Royce is one thing,

45. feeling like a Rolls-Royce is something completely different.

46. So, to find out whether it does or not,

47. the producers have arranged for me to do a spot of VIP chauffeuring.

48. Not him.

49. Them.

50. Yes, the local sumo wrestler and his manager need taking to a tournament.

51. That's exhausted my Japanese.

52. Right, back to the Japanese Rolls-Royce.

53. Inside the Galue, Mitsuoka has recreated

54. the ambience of a proper, old school, British luxury car.

55. So, there's some wood-ish.

56. There's plush leather seats.

57. But look at this, this clock is exactly,

58. roughly like the one on the new Rolls-Royce Phantom.

59. It's like one of those fake expensive watches you get in Thailand.

60. Only a real expert can tell the difference.

61. I am a Rolls-Royce expert, and I was completely taken in.

62. Actually, I didn't mean that.

63. What I meant to say was, "It's an utterly shameless rip-off,

64. "and I can't believe they're getting away with it."

65. So, what about the performance from the 3.5-litre V6?

66. Is that the genuine article?

67. A Rolls-Royce must be able to whoosh away from a stand still.

68. It can go quite quickly, but it must never feel urgent, it must swell very gently,

69. it must be an orchestral, sort of, performance.

70. Which that isn't. Sorry.

71. Next, handling.

72. A Rolls-Royce should never allow its driver to corner too vigourously

73. because that would be bad form.

74. It must encourage you to rein things back.

75. Clearly, it's not quite right in that respect.

76. Very sorry. Very sorry.

77. I cracked on with the job of delivering my VIPs.

78. Happy?

79. Very close to the destination.

80. What? Was that it?

81. - Oh.

82. I think they were completely fooled.

83. As some of you may have found out last week,

84. I have got an old Rolls, and let me tell you,

85. the Galue isn't even on the same planet.

86. But you know what, this car does make me smile.

87. It's not taking itself too seriously. It's just a bit of fun.

88. It's a bit like one of those tribute bands.

89. Bjorn Again, Letz Zep, the Strolling Bones.

90. Like those bands, it knows it's not the real thing,

91. but more importantly, it knows you know it's not the real thing.

92. And anyway, at the end of the evening, you're still just as drunk,

93. and you've still had a great time,

94. but it only cost you a fiver.

95. Is that car going to be sold in the UK?

96. - No. - Good. Richard?

97. Yes. Now, KTM are an Austrian bike manufacturer,

98. and they make things like this, the Duke, and it's great.

99. But now they've decided to have a go at a car, and here it is.

100. It's called the X-Bow.

101. Now, the body's made of plastic panels, just like it is on the bike.

102. You can see all the innards, like you can on the bike,

103. and you have to wear a crash helmet to drive it, like you do on the bike.

104. It really is a stripped-out track car.

105. All you get is a seat, a steering wheel

106. and a two-litre turbo-charged Audi engine

107. that's enough to take it to 60 miles an hour in under four seconds.

108. Apparently, KTM say it is quite a handful,

109. and as a result, they won't sell it to drivers under 24 years old.

110. Just one thing, Lewis Hamilton. He's 23!

111. Now, the thing about that is it costs £43,000,

112. which seems like a hell of a lot

113. for a motorcycle with two extra wheels.

114. - No, it isn't. - Well, it is.

115. It isn't. You could drive that thing through... What's it's called?

116. - Oxbow? Something rather. - Cross.

117. You could drive that through a light shower

118. and you could come out on the other side

119. without your internal organs being transplanted into someone else.

120. You don't get bikes...

121. No, I'll tell you, you two have to live in fear and dread, okay,

122. that you're gonna go through the pearly gates with your ripped leathers on,

123. knowing full well that I'm back on Earth, as a car driver,

124. with your liver.

125. And don't think I'm going to do anything useful with it

126. because I'm just going to make it into a hat.

127. I actually carry a card that says,

128. "I do not wish to help Jeremy Clarkson be amusing in the event of my death."

129. - Fair enough. - Yes, now, every year,

130. the Scouts make a series of awards,

131. uh, which are relevant to them.

132. Uh, I've got the list here. They're very prestigious.

133. They've just announced this year's winners.

134. Previous winners have included Charley Boorman and Ewan McGregor.

135. They won best navigation award.

136. Jamie Oliver won the healthy eating award.

137. Yeah. Now, Ray Mears, it has to be said, has not won the award

138. for services of wearing shorts when you're a grown man.

139. However, their award, this year,

140. for services to instruction

141. - has gone to The Stig. Yeah!

142. However, there's a problem, a really big problem.

143. They came down earlier to give him his badge,

144. and he attacked them.

145. We've actually got some footage of it here, seriously.

146. Look.

147. Look, he's trying to stamp on his badge, he hates it.

148. And they took him down. They actually took The Stig down, two Scouts.

149. It's awkward, that.

150. It turns out he's terrified of Scouts, yeah.

151. We think, um, he might have been a Girl Guide.

152. Okay, now, bad news.

153. This week, James popped around to see me, okay, down at my local pub,

154. parked his motorcycle, outside, not illegally...

155. - No, very considerately. - No, it was illegal.

156. That's right, it was illegally parked, but not inconsiderate.

157. Yeah, exactly.

158. Fined £120.

159. 120 quid. Now, here's the thing, all right,

160. both of us, in the not too distant past, have had televisions stolen.

161. So, how come they've got the man power

162. to find your slightly illegally parked motorcycle

163. when they say that they can't find our televisions?

164. I know. I don't understand it. Because I rang up the woman

165. - on the, uh, parking ticket hotline enquiry hotline. - Mmm.

166. And I said to her, "Have you found my television?"

167. - She had no idea what I was talking about.

168. I think that if you've had something stolen in your life...

169. How many people here have had something stolen? The lawnmower...

170. Right. Nearly everybody.

171. It should be illegal for the police to do you for a trivial motoring offence

172. until they've returned whatever it is you've had stolen!

173. - Yes!

174. - Does anybody here think... Well, there we go. Yes, I do.

175. - I think you're right there. - Seriously...

176. If you're watching this, Mr Brown, that's 100% of British people agree with me.

177. - Hey, great news! - What?

178. I've been sent more information on the Dacia Sandero.

179. Excellent! - I've got a question I want to ask.

180. What? - What if this turns out to be really good?

181. Well, it won't. No, but what if it does?

182. - Well, it won't, will it? - Well, it's the new Chevy Camaro.

183. And, um, they're really thought about it. It looks brilliant.

184. And obviously it's got a 6.2-litre V8,

185. and they've given it independent suspension all round.

186. - Wow!

187. Independent!

188. Yeah. - So, they've looked at a car and they thought,

189. "It's got four separate wheels.

190. "Maybe... What if we treated them all sort of separate?"

191. Yeah, like they've been doing in Europe for 100 years?

192. - I still think,

193. what if that... Look at that! Turns out to be good?

194. - I mean, we don't know yet! Richard! Richard,

195. the Americans are good at herding bison.

196. - The end.

197. I still maintain it might turn out to be good, then we'll all want one.

198. Okay, what is this underneath? Underneath, this is a Vauxhall VXR, isn't it?

199. Yeah. Which is actually a Holden.

200. So what the Americans have done, yeah, is they've gone,

201. "We need some sophistication here. We'll call the Australians."

202. That is like saying, "I want some style for my wedding,

203. "I'll get seven crates of lager."

204. Do you know, you're the sort of person I could show you a picture of Paris Hilton

205. and you'd say, "What if she turns out to be intelligent?"

206. - But what if she did? What if she did?

207. All right. That's enough news.

208. So, now, Mazda.

209. Over the years, they've built up a fearsome reputation

210. for making very sensible small cars

211. and the worst television commercials in all of human history.

212. This, however, is their latest creation.

213. Plainly, they wanted to give it a name

214. which conjured up an image of aggression and anger,

215. but unfortunately, the job of naming it

216. was given to somebody from Birmingham,

217. so, it's ended up being called the Furai.

218. The chassis is from an American Le Mans racer,

219. which is the same as a European Le Mans racer,

220. - only fatter.

221. Body, that was clearly designed by someone with a Batman fixation.

222. Uh... I think it looks absolutely brilliant actually,

223. although if you take it to a film premiere,

224. - it'll probably take a swing at its sister.

225. Allegedly, that is, of course.

226. Um, the engine, Wankel, 1.9-litre, 460 brake horsepower,

227. 2.6 miles to the gallon.

228. And, annoyingly, broken.

229. Which means we can't put it round our test track.

230. So, instead, I'm going to answer a question that, literally, a viewer has asked.

231. And I have their letter here. It says,

232. "Dear so called Top Gear,

233. "I'm aware that there are many elegant and dramatic supercars that I could buy..."

234. Well, yeah, things like these.

235. "... But as I'm the victim of a botched eye operation,

236. "what I want is a supercar that is catastrophically ugly. Can you help?"

237. Yes, I think I can.

238. This could be the answer to your problems.

239. It's a new supercar from Germany,

240. and, well, it's not exactly a looker.

241. Let me put it this way. When Jeremy did the Alfa 8C...

242. the camera crew found there wasn't a single angle

243. that didn't make the car look brilliant.

244. This is the exact opposite.

245. No. No.

246. - Really, no.

247. And then there's the problem of the name.

248. Does it have one of those sexy ones,

249. like all the sexiest cars have,

250. you know, Vanquish, Viper, Raptor?

251. No. It's called a Gumpert.

252. - So, it's got looks only a mother could love

253. and a name like a Northern comedian.

254. - And for the privilege of driving it,

255. you'll need £250,000.

256. This does beg the question, what do you get for your money?

257. Certainly, you're not buying a wondrous Zonda-esque interior.

258. It's just a random collection of bits from Audi.

259. Maybe then, it has some amazing options.

260. Well, yes, but don't go looking for night-vision or a bathroom.

261. And this, the rear-view camera, doesn't count.

262. That's a necessity. There's no back window.

263. Options on the Gumpert are things like this, the traction control.

264. Now, lots of cars have traction control,

265. but the Gumpert's is really quite anorak-ey.

266. It's not a button, it's a knob.

267. You can adjust it so you can be precise.

268. So, Hammerhead coming up. I know this corner.

269. 17%, I think.

270. - Yeah, that... That...

271. But worry not.

272. If that doesn't work out, there are whole load of other things you can adjust.

273. You can change the camber, the ride height, the spring tension,

274. the damper, bump and rebound and the anti-roll bar.

275. Oh, yeah! There you are, Monte Carlo, Claudia Schiffer, in your supercar,

276. "Please can we go to the party now?"

277. "Oh, no, no, hold on. A lot of corners.

278. "I'm gonna dial in some extra camber."

279. With the camber adjusted, I went for...

280. - Oh, bugger.

281. You see, I think some of those settings are not an option.

282. Just leave them alone!

283. - I've had this experience with one of my bikes.

284. All you ever do is make things worse.

285. There is one option this car doesn't have, and it's one I quite like.

286. The option to move your seat backwards and forwards.

287. Now, that's because the Gumpert people got fed up

288. with drivers moving their seats around

289. and messing up their perfect weight distribution.

290. So, minging looks, seats you can't move

291. and gizmos only Lewis Hamilton can make sense of.

292. I think you're getting the picture by now

293. that this is no Riviera cruiser.

294. Their fastest version, the Apollo Race, has 800 brake horsepower,

295. but if you've just passed your driving test,

296. they do do, what they call "an entry-level version", 650 brake horsepower.

297. This is the mid-range.

298. I suppose they'd call it "the Popular Plus", 700 brake horsepower.

299. - And this is where it all starts to come good

300. because whichever Gumpert you choose, it's going to be fast.

301. Gods!

302. This is just something else!

303. The engine is Audi's 4.2-litre V8,

304. but with added twin turbos,

305. all wrapped up in featherweight carbon fibre.

306. Naught to 60, three seconds.

307. Top speed, 224 miles an hour.

308. So, let's see how much of that we can get

309. on our modest runway.

310. That's 200 kilometres an hour. That's 120 miles an hour.

311. That's 280 kilometres an hour, which is very fast.

312. 300 kilometres an hour.

313. I'm gonna start breaking, I think.

314. That's 186 miles an hour in 1.7 miles.

315. And when you get to a corner,

316. just as long as you've not been fiddling with anything, it is brilliant.

317. The grip!

318. My eyes are a foot that side of my head!

319. Suddenly you realise why this thing

320. looks like a boil on the buttock of a baboon.

321. It's got downforce, that's what all those holes, fins and grills are for.

322. If you want a supercar you can park with pride in Monte Carlo's Casino Square,

323. this probably isn't for you.

324. There are many other cars that will do that job much better.

325. But the Gumpert guys, in their little German factory,

326. have gone down another path.

327. Hardcore Street.

328. And I do believe that on this track, old Quasimodo here

329. could destroy every supercar alive.

330. Are you...

331. Are you really suggesting this is gonna be quicker round the track

332. than, sort of, lots of the really fast cars?

333. It is unbelievably quick.

334. But I tell you, the amazing thing about this car.

335. You know in the film I said it generates downforce

336. - to stick it to the road? - Mmm.

337. Well, Gumpert say it generates so much

338. that it could drive upside down

339. and still stick to the roof...

340. Oh, you don't fall for that old chestnut!

341. Every Formula One team says, "Oh, you could drive our cars upside down."

342. The only reason they say that is because they know we can't prove them wrong.

343. Yeah, but Gumpert are going to prove it.

344. They've built an engine that will work upside down.

345. - Yeah, and the tunnel? - And they found a tunnel they can do it in.

346. Okay, so how fast do you have to drive

347. to generate enough downforce or upforce to stick it?

348. 190 miles an hour.

349. Right. So, they're gonna get someone to drive

350. at 190 miles an hour down the roof of a tunnel,

351. swerving between all the signposts,

352. - fans and lights!

353. You see, that's the thing. They found the tunnel to do it in,

354. but they've not yet found anyone stupid enough to drive it.

355. Well, this is the last show.

356. No, I can't. No, I can't.

357. - Why not? - I'm busy.

358. I'm busy. I'm painting... my horse.

359. - I just can't do it.

360. Anyway, we must now find out

361. how fast it goes round our track,

362. which means we must put it in the hands of our tame racing driver.

363. Some say it's impossible for him to wear socks.

364. - And he can open a beer bottle with his testes.

365. All we know is he's called The Stig.

366. And he's off, not a scorching start.

367. Stig just carefully metering out the power, of which there is a lot.

368. Up to the first corner now,

369. hopefully he's gonna be going faster to get that downforce working.

370. - And that is neat, I've got high hopes for this.

371. Really, I have.

372. Yeah, Stig still apparently touched by Elton John.

373. Maybe he actually enjoys it.

374. That is fantastically controlled through Chicago.

375. Hammerhead now, slower corner.

376. Could be in trouble if the fancy aerodynamics can't do their stuff there.

377. Not a bit of it though.

378. It's so undramatic and I suspect that could be this car's secret.

379. Right, the follow-through, really pin it open now, will he have to lift?

380. Not likely! You can almost see it being pressed into the tarmac,

381. it's so flat through the corners like a racing car.

382. Up to Gambon.

383. Finally biting back, but Stig's on it and across the line.

384. Hang on a minute. Hang on. Wait!

385. If you're right, it's gonna be up with, what, the Zonda, the Koenigsegg, the Ascari...

386. Yep, stuff at the top. Ascari did it in 1.17.3.

387. So, the Gumbert did it in it 1.17.1!

388. - It is the fastest!

389. - It beat Ascari! - Fastest ever around our track.

390. That really is incredible because that is the first car

391. Hammond has driven round our circuit,

392. or driven on our circuit, I should say, this year, isn't it?

393. - Yeah. - And it's gone to the top of the leaderboard...

394. - ... which he can't reach.

395. No, no, no. I can, I can! I just need a run up.

396. This is going to be undignified.

397. - It's not worked.

398. It's on!

399. Okay, that's one, um...

400. - That's one lap record smashed, quite literally.

401. Now, let's see if we can't deal with another one.

402. This is a list of the stars who've driven our reasonably priced car

403. and Simon Cowell has now been at the top for the last two series, okay,

404. which we think is long enough.

405. So what we've done is we went back and looked at all the people

406. who drove our old reasonably priced car,

407. found the biggest petrol head and invited him back.

408. Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome Jay Kay!

409. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

410. - How are you? Have a seat.

411. Thank you.

412. - You have been nagging to be here.

413. Honestly, there hasn't been a week go by...

414. How long is it since you were here?

415. I was here on the first series,

416. I think I was the second guy.

417. - You were the second guest ever. - Second guest ever.

418. No, there hasn't been a week really,

419. I think I'm honest, gone by since then to now

420. when you haven't been on the phone going,

421. "Can I come back? Can I come back?"

422. Yeah, I did... I have to say I felt left out, I felt lonely,

423. I sat in my kitchen watching it thinking,

424. - "When will I come back? - You were always on the...

425. "When will I beat the man with the codpiece?"

426. - Oh, Simon? - Codpiece Cowell!

427. Codpiece Cowell! Actually, I've just remembered something,

428. what was it you said to the researcher?

429. When we rang up and said, "Can you come back?"

430. I said, "I'm down here for war."

431. - Yes! He did! - I'm down here for war!

432. - It's actually... - I'm not here to muck about,

433. I'm not here to be 13th, I'm not here to beat James Blunt,

434. - I'm here to be on the top now.

435. - You know... - So first or nothing else will do?

436. I'm not here to beat James Blunt's album sales either.

437. - No, because how many have you sold in total? 25... - 25 million or something.

438. 25 million and you can't read music.

439. - Thank you, everybody.

440. Thank you.

441. - Somebody else.

442. That is a lot.

443. That is a lot of albums.

444. Uh, now, I won't bother going through the list of everything you've got

445. because the programme is only an hour long.

446. But how many cars have you got these days?

447. Oh, there are 37 vehicles, including motorbikes, that's including motorbikes,

448. and staff cars because people...

449. - Staff? Staff cars! - Staff cars!

450. No, no, they don't have little flags and swastikas on!

451. Or, sort of, you know, two wheels at the front and a half track at the back.

452. - At the back, yes.

453. Now, since you were last here,

454. - what have been the main changes? - Yeah.

455. - What's... - Well, the main stuff

456. is that I've got into Porsches,

457. for some unknown reason.

458. I bought... Not so long ago, about three or four years ago,

459. I bought an RS Touring, which is the factory sunroof.

460. - Yeah. - Rear-seat 911, you know,

461. - Carrera down the side, wide arches, 2.7 engine. - Yeah.

462. Then I got a 911 GT3 RS,

463. the reason being because I thought this car is gonna be a future classic...

464. - At present at 997? - A 997 GT 3RS, yeah.

465. I've then subsequently gone and got myself a 911 RS lightweight.

466. No, because I don't... I still genuinely don't get the appeal of 911s.

467. - Right. - Have you driven a modern-day Turbo?

468. Not for a while. But I've driven an RS.

469. - You know what I mean? - Yeah, yeah. Sure.

470. So you drive it... Or even a GT3 RS.

471. I drive that and think, "Actually, this is a nice car,"

472. - I like it but it's a nice car. - Yeah.

473. - Then I got into a GT2 the other day, the new GT2. - Yeah, yeah. The Turbo, yeah.

474. It's absolutely, hideously horrid.

475. - Oh. What don't you like about it? - And all...

476. Well, it's because it does everything you expect a 911 to do.

477. You get that bounce? Do you know what I mean by that front end bounce?

478. - Yeah. - And that understeer?

479. If you do anything about the understeer,

480. they switch immediately to death-dealing oversteer.

481. Could it be you're not driving it properly?

482. - I turned the steering... I turned the steering wheel! - Could that be it?

483. - I mean, that light weight you've got... - The air-cooled stuff, yeah.

484. Yeah, the air-cooled one is one day going to kill you.

485. It's sitting in your garage now

486. - plotting how it's going to do it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

487. Has anyone here got a 911?

488. - See, they've all been killed.

489. They were on their way and they're all now in a tree like that.

490. - Honestly, I just don't get them. - Brilliant.

491. - Um, there are a number of other things. - Yeah.

492. He's got a Mercedes Grosser.

493. Mine was owned by Coco Chanel.

494. - It was actually owned by Coco Chanel? - Yeah.

495. Your one, is it? Mine was owned by the Egyptian ambassador.

496. Yeah, oh. When I get in it, I just cover myself in No.5.

497. - And you've got a CSL BMW now. - Tell us about the GQ awards.

498. Oh, that's... Yes, well, that's another thing we've got in common,

499. we've both won awards

500. - from style. - Yeah, you got Worst Dressed Man,

501. - and I got Style Man of the Year.

502. Mind you...

503. Look, dear, I like them.

504. What... Get off! Show the people at the back.

505. There's nothing wrong with them!

506. Style of the year?

507. They're nice! - It's not nice. It's hideous.

508. Just because Alpinestars don't make you shoes.

509. No, 'cause I go to a shoe shop and say, "Have you got a pair of shoes?"

510. "Have you got a pair of shoes for a hippo?"

511. - Right now, listen, we've talked about cars enough. - Yeah.

512. - Which is great talking to you. - Which is great! I love...

513. - We do genuinely share the same... - We do share passions.

514. Oh, we like the same motors. We do like the same motors.

515. It is... Yeah. We do have the same sort of cars.

516. - Yeah. - Right, the lap.

517. - Yeah, oh. - Now, see, when you came the last time, old Stig.

518. So, what's the new Stig like now, he's regenerated?

519. Well, I have been out with the new Stig

520. - who is sort of, in the master class, isn't he? - Mmm-hmm.

521. I've just been out in that C63.

522. - He is an extremely good driver. - Extraordinarily good driver!

523. He is quicker than Lewis Hamilton, Nigel Mansell and Mark Webber.

524. Yeah, and the funny thing is, when you're talking to him...

525. You know, we go outside, we'd just had a bit of dinner, and, uh, chatting away,

526. and I said, "What are you gonna have? Are you gonna have the ribs and coleslaw?"

527. And you suddenly find you are talking to this guy with this screen.

528. - And then what happens,

529. he lifts it up for a bit of air, you start doing that.

530. - Trying to look underneath at who it is

531. and then he goes and shuts it again.

532. Well, he is filtering out the carbon dioxide.

533. - He runs on pure nitrogen. - Yeah.

534. - Anyway, he coached you? - He did. He did.

535. You had your nine laps. And obviously, there's no point

536. - saying this week, where do you think you've come? - He did. He did. Oh!

537. Because you want to be here, don't you?

538. I don't... What can I say, but yes, yes, yes!

539. - More than the next Grammy? - Yes!

540. - Do you know... I mean, do you know...

541. Do you know... I mean, do you know, people stop me in the street and go,

542. "When are you back on Top Gear? When are you going to beat Simon Cowell."

543. You know, they don't give a about the music!

544. Get on with it then! - No, no. Simon Cowell is...

545. - That is what Simon Cowell is doing at home now! No! - No!

546. Who wants to see his lap? - No.

547. Yes! - The tape.

548. All right. Nice start.

549. This is the one, I must beat Mr Codpiece.

550. Okay, now, let's have a look at that corner.

551. - You see... No, it's... Oh! Oh, it's scrubbing!

552. Scrubbing a bit but not...

553. Why were you angry?

554. Because it is a gutless piece of American and I hate it!

555. Oh, let's start shaving little tiny, little bits of Gordon Ramsay

556. - parmesan cheese off this.

557. There's Gordon Ramsay. He's... - Go on, turn in, you pillock!

558. No, you're in, you're in, just...

559. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

560. I'd have done that tighter around there personally.

561. Come on! Come on! Come on!

562. You really are a gutless bit of Yankee... Honestly.

563. You're cutting that corner,

564. we allow that because it's slippery there.

565. There is a man determined.

566. Now, go on, get it in there!

567. That is about as good as I've ever seen

568. - anyone doing the second to last corner. Get in there!

569. - Come on! Yes!

570. Oh, no!

571. Oh! I can't take it!

572. Do you know, I was sitting there yesterday,

573. I thought, "Top Gear tomorrow."

574. I'm watching The Right Stuff, which I really enjoy,

575. "Sod it, get to bed and make sure you are fresh as a daisy."

576. What? You had an early night?

577. I had an early night, yeah.

578. So that you'd be capable of doing this?

579. So that I'd be capable of doing this.

580. - What I've got here...

581. This is the piece of paper just been given to me by the producer

582. with all your nine laps.

583. It just isn't important, this, is it?

584. You know, there's more important things going on in the world!

585. This is not important.

586. - Right. - It is important.

587. So, your fastest lap of the nine.

588. Oh, Christ, what is it there?

589. - What was he? 145.9. - Nothing. 145.9.

590. Come on, surely?

591. Your fastest lap.

592. One...

593. I hate this. I watch other people...

594. I'm not supposed to be doing this.

595. - I used to watch other people... - 40...

596. Oh.

597. - 6.2...

598. - ... was your second... Was your second fastest lap.

599. - You...

600. You...

601. - Look, all I want to do... - 146.2 was your second fastest.

602. - Please let me... - You did another 146.2.

603. - 148.2, too. - Yeah, that was when...

604. - 149!

605. Yeah, but that was when I got the wrong gear.

606. - 147, 148. And then on lap eight... - Mmm.

607. That'll be your quickest. One...

608. Well, you have 145.9 to beat.

609. - 145... - I can't... Yeah.

610. - ... Point eight.

611. You've done it.

612. - Come on! Come on!

613. Come on!

614. Well, done, mate.

615. Ladies and gentlemen, Jay Kay. The new number one!

616. Thank you. Ah!

617. It was a 145.81.

618. You can take that home and frame it.

619. Who's the daddy?

620. - Who's the daddy now? - Not Simon Cowell.

621. So we are back in the autumn and the first guest, I am guessing will be...

622. - Simon Cowell! - ... Simon Cowell.

623. - Brilliant!

624. Ladies and gentlemen, it has been a huge pleasure,

625. - the new number one, Jay Kay! - Thank you.

626. - Thank you very much.

627. Now, there's a new TV show in Germany.

628. It's all about cars and it is hosted by three people.

629. I can't imagine where they got that idea from.

630. - No. - No idea.

631. Anyway, they got in touch with us

632. and they invited us to take them on in a series of races and challenges.

633. Now, obviously, we needed somewhere to stage this.

634. Yes, I suggested we did it in the skies over southern England.

635. In fact, we settled on Belgium,

636. which was a country invented so that Britain and Germany

637. would have somewhere to sort out their differences.

638. Yeah, and on that point the producers told us,

639. "Now, listen, you are representing the BBC,

640. "you can't just turn up and go on about the war."

641. The meet was set for 9:00 a.m.

642. for Belgium's second best-known race track, Zolder.

643. And at precisely 9:00 a.m., our Germans rivals arrived

644. in their impressive German cars.

645. In fact, we were not late,

646. we were simply arriving in style.

647. Come on, Biggles! Come on out.

648. We are on our own, we're...

649. playing for time and it is running out!

650. I think we might have overdone this.

651. It could be worse, we could have come in the back of Bobby Charlton!

652. - Jeremy. Hi. - How are you?

653. Good to see you. Good to see you. How are you?

654. Our small talk was friendly,

655. but, to be honest, we were a bit nervous.

656. Sure, they had a jolly man in a suit.

657. He is called Carston von Ryssen,

658. and he has no racing experience at all,

659. but then they also have Tim Schrick, the touring car driver

660. and Sabine Schmitz, the Nurburgring specialist.

661. And they were up against us lot.

662. The first challenge had been dreamed up by the Germans.

663. It's called double-decker racing and the idea is very simple.

664. The car on the bottom has a throttle, brakes and gears

665. but no steering wheel.

666. Because that is fitted to the car on top.

667. Now, because there are only three presenters on each side

668. and you need eight people to operate the four cars,

669. each team is allowed to get someone from their film crew to help out.

670. And that's a problem for the Germans,

671. because, while they have a sound recordist, a cameraman and a director,

672. he is the same man.

673. So, their coverage of this race is going to look like this.

674. Mind you, but it's not that brilliant for us,

675. because, although we have a very large film crew,

676. uh, there was only one volunteer to sit above me

677. and, if I am honest, it is not the one I would have picked.

678. Still, he is very brave.

679. He once fought a shark.

680. He lost, but anyway!

681. We do six laps and have six white stripes.

682. - Okay. - If you finish the first one,

683. - you take one off. - One.

684. - James. Yeah?

685. Will you promise to use the throttle

686. - and not just the brake? Yes.

687. It's a bit odd not having a steering wheel.

688. These Metros always had quite good steering,

689. so this is a good way round to do it.

690. It doesn't make a difference, you idiot!

691. No the steering is done by the Metro.

692. No, but you're steering the Jag.

693. The good thing here is they have Golfs on the roof.

694. Now, Golfs are heavy.

695. Metros are made out of snake skin.

696. Right. Here we go.

697. Yes!

698. Oh, hang on, Jeremy.

699. We have got an early lead! Yes!

700. We're already at the back!

701. Jesus, that is going to roll over if we are not careful.

702. At the end of lap one, the German system was working well.

703. Whereas in the Metro squadron...

704. No! Look! Look at what you are doing, left, left, left!

705. Left! Smooth!

706. Right!

707. Then there was a complete communication breakdown.

708. Race cars...

709. - Whoa! Whoa! Left, left, left!

710. The Germans were now first and second.

711. - This is a disaster!

712. Then there was another one. My wing men went mad.

713. - Stick on the inside. Whoa! No, no, no, no, no, no!

714. - What the hell have you done that for? What do you mean?

715. That was your fault! - How could it be my fault? You're on the bloody steering!

716. James and Richard think it's all over, and they're right!

717. Rubbish! You steered into the gravel.

718. It is designed to stop Formula One cars.

719. How the hell do you think a Jaguar with a Metro on its roof...

720. This was our darkest hour.

721. - We are being annihilated!

722. With us out, all we could hope

723. was that Jeremy and Kiff, the sound man, would race on cleanly and fairly.

724. - Ram him. Ram!

725. Go, Kiff.

726. Yes, they've gone wrong. Kiff, we've got them!

727. Tim Schrick was not just off,

728. he was out.

729. Now, it was just us versus Sabine and a man in a suit.

730. Help yourself, Kiff. There's no fighter escort.

731. - Up the inside! Baff! Yes!

732. Go, Kiff. They've gone down!

733. - Onslaught!

734. Keen to defend his country and his job on Top Gear,

735. Kiff made a bold move.

736. That is giving them something to think about.

737. It also gave us something to think about.

738. Whoa, Jeremy! Jeremy, my arm's come off!

739. - What? - My arm's come off!

740. Nobody has ever said that in a car race before!

741. We were now on the last lap.

742. Go up the inside, Kiff with one arm!

743. It is quite difficult now, Jeremy.

744. What... Oh, no, it is the finish. No, no, no!

745. I've let Britain down! Oh, no!

746. Hopefully though, we could redeem ourselves in the next challenge.

747. Who makes the fastest cars? The axis powers or the allies?

748. You came up with this one, didn't you?

749. - Yes. - And you haven't thought it through, have you?

750. Well, I did. It is brilliantly simple. It's just a drag race.

751. Let's meet the contenders.

752. On their side from Germany, the highly modified Porsche 9FF.

753. From Italy, the Lamborghini Murcielago.

754. That's the LP640 version.

755. From Japan, the Mitsubishi Evo 10, that's the FQ-360.

756. Yes, that's there's and now ours.

757. Our side from England and driven by Wing Commander Bunny Hammond,

758. is the Ariel Atom, the supercharged version.

759. Then from America, I was thinking of you here, corporal,

760. is the Callaway Corvette, also supercharged.

761. And like I was saying, you haven't thought it through, have you?

762. - Well... - Let me guess, James,

763. New Zealand makes a V16 rocket car

764. - that somehow we don't know about. - They don't.

765. However, India was on our side.

766. So, whilst I waited for one of their cars to turn up,

767. I sent the others off to neuter the 250 mile per hour Porsche.

768. And they decided it would have trouble

769. putting its 1000 horsepower down off the line.

770. So, what we need is a really short race.

771. If the race is quarter of a mile,

772. this is still gonna be sitting here

773. - spinning its wheels. - Yeah.

774. Right, you're gonna love this. There are rules and regulations.

775. You like that sort of thing concerning a drag race,

776. and they are always a quarter of a mile.

777. - It's a standard... No, no, no, no.

778. - We drive kilometres. At least one kilometre. - One kilometre.

779. If you say a quarter of a mile everybody knows what that is

780. - because it's the standard measure. No way.

781. Half kilometre burger, please... No.

782. You don't. It's a quarter pounder,

783. and you have a quarter-mile drag race.

784. - It's the British way. Let's do it.

785. With the 9FF hopefully out of it,

786. my attention turned to the Lamborghini.

787. What I'm hoping, praying is that being Italian it changes sides halfway down.

788. As we got ready, James's Indian car finally turned up.

789. Supercharged. Supercharged. Charged.

790. James, don't forget to turn your traction control off, mate.

791. Cock. I've just remembered the Australians. They do that VXR thing.

792. Lofty Hammond got a lightning start.

793. This is unbelievable acceleration!

794. The atom in the Atom would clearly win but who would come second?

795. - Come on! - Come on!

796. The Lambo's got me.

797. But could I hold off that monstrous Porsche?

798. Yes!

799. Yeah, that is ours! That is ours!

800. - So, how do you feel now? Yeah.

801. So we were first. Let's just say that again,

802. - just to make it clear, first. - First.

803. - First. Third. - First. First.

804. And last.

805. - Well, you say "last" because... Yes!

806. There's a symmetry to that, we had first and last,

807. the two most significant places in the drag race

808. - are owned by us. And the middle!

809. We own the whole territory.

810. You won the double deckers, we've got some points back.

811. The drag race marks the end of the team challenges.

812. From now on, it would be one-on-one.

813. Now for this event, Germany will be represented

814. by ring mistress, racing driver, Sabine Schmitz.

815. We will be represented by that.

816. Anyway, the cars... Each team must bring something small,

817. reasonably priced and from their own country.

818. So we've come up with this. It's a Mini Cooper S.

819. Sabine, what have you got?

820. - I've got that car. - What, the Golf?

821. No, the Mini Cooper, of course!

822. Weren't you listening?

823. - It's German. - We said it's from your own country.

824. It's not German. It's a Mini. It's still a Mini.

825. - You can't get more British than a Mini!

826. - That is... - It's...

827. Alec Issigonis! Now, how much more of a British name is there than Issigonis?

828. - In every... - Apart from Patel?

829. British, British, British!

830. Okay, so we're in the same cars. Just let them do it.

831. So, the International Small Car Challenge, and it goes like this.

832. Slalom through the Ming vases.

833. Steering is so easy.

834. Reverse into the garage of priceless crockery.

835. Then take a J turn penalty which, amazingly...

836. - ... the German missed.

837. - Next, drive a figure of eight

838. while a member of the other team shoots at you from a paintball tank.

839. - One point off for each hit,

840. escape the arena through a tunnel we shall call Dick.

841. Yeah!

842. But then it was Jeremy's turn. Gut luck.

843. Here we go!

844. So far not one hit!

845. - That's the ticket.

846. Still, things could only get better.

847. - Oh! I've scored myself.

848. I only had the figure of eight to redeem myself.

849. Come on, handbrake. - Fire!

850. Fire!

851. An awful lot of bullets hitting me here.

852. And no wonder.

853. James! What are you doing? - Shooting at Jeremy.

854. - Well, he's on our side! - Yeah, but why wouldn't you?

855. You're right! You would! Fire!

856. Come on, through Dick!

857. Yes!

858. Even that went wrong.

859. So, I was trailing on points.

860. But I could win some back in the final part of the challenge,

861. the head to head one lap race around the Zolder circuit,

862. the winner would be the first one to get their towel

863. on the sunbed.

864. A date with destiny.

865. She's ahead by what she'd call a metre.

866. Whoo!

867. She's breaking early there, I'm not going to do that.

868. I dive down the inside.

869. I'm in the lead!

870. I'm not in the lead!

871. The TV idiot was trying everything to get past.

872. Come on! Jeremy!

873. This really was a proper race.

874. I'm not talking, this matters.

875. Jeremy, let him get something right. Oh!

876. Oh! No! No! No!

877. - They've got to get up to the bridge.

878. There's no possibility, in this environment,

879. - of beating a German. - That was feeble.

880. - And then you didn't... - Sorry.

881. - Were you shooting at me? In that tank? - He was, yes, he did that.

882. After that debacle, we were trailing by nine points.

883. But I was handling the next challenge.

884. And it was to be a shoot-out in my kind of car.

885. The incredible Bowler Nemesis.

886. 4.4-litre V8, 300 brake horse power, naught to 60 in six seconds.

887. Top speed, 130 miles an hour. But, as always, with a Bowler,

888. it can do that anywhere on anything.

889. And better still, my opponent would be the accountant.

890. - Driven a Bowler before? - No.

891. Good. Good. Well, um, they're terrifying.

892. - Does he not do any racing? - No, never, he hasn't got a car.

893. No. He has a licence, that's it.

894. One driver dislodged his lung when he went too fast. Yeah.

895. But you'll be fine, you'll enjoy this. Good luck.

896. It would be a five lap race over a track that was 60% Tarmac

897. and, thanks to James, 60% gravel.

898. We are off. Come on, mighty Bowler.

899. On Tarmac, the accountant kept up,

900. but once we hit the dirt, he wouldn't see me for dust.

901. Yes! More like it!

902. Meanwhile, back at base...

903. Sit down, colonel.

904. You're not interested in these, are you?

905. Do you know what?

906. Your mind cannot comprehend of how uninterested I am in things like this.

907. Back on track, Hammond couldn't shake the man in the suit off his tail.

908. He was clearly a worthy adversary.

909. Keep your foot in Hammond, be brave.

910. A point Hammond proved, moments later.

911. If you don't get that going, Hammond, for us, the competition is over!

912. That didn't go well, then.

913. This was a race we had to win.

914. But the VAT man had a big lead.

915. Oh, this... I'm going to get grief for this, now, this is not good.

916. Cooler! Eight weeks!

917. Where's the track gone? Oh!

918. Is he gaining? - He is gaining.

919. On the last corner, I decided to take him on the outside.

920. I can have him here!

921. Yes!

922. Yeah! Ah!

923. Well done, then. - Thank you!

924. You know what a bad loser is?

925. Well, Hammond is what's called a bad winner.

926. Yes!

927. - Oh! Oh!

928. What do you think of that?

929. Well, then, congratulate me, then, I've won.

930. Did you notice, I was first?

931. After Hammond's modest win,

932. we were trailing by just four points

933. as we went into the last event.

934. It's a two-lap race of the Zolder circuit.

935. And it's between a Porsche 911, a racing Porsche 911,

936. which will be driven by professional racing driver, Tim Schrick.

937. And he will be against an Aston Martin DBRS9,

938. which will be driven by James May.

939. Do we have to use James?

940. Well, no, you did the Bowler thing,

941. I did the Mini thing, it's his turn.

942. But, he's going to lose, badly.

943. Happily, though, I'd come up with a plan.

944. You know what I mean? - Clever. Very clever.

945. - It's James. - Yeah, it's James, he's come in for the race.

946. He always... - Roughly James' size...

947. He lost 30 kilos in five minutes?

948. Yeah, he always dresses like this when he drives a racing car.

949. James, best of luck, mate.

950. - James, good luck, mate. And his hair? Who cut his hair?

951. Best of luck. - Good luck.

952. He's lost it.

953. Don't disturb him when he's focused and in the zone, ready for a race.

954. He's ice-cool.

955. Well, this could work.

956. - Could do. - There's every chance.

957. It would be a rolling start.

958. Because we were four points behind,

959. James, who's now warming his tyres up,

960. had to set off four seconds after the Porsche.

961. The race was on.

962. - Go, James! - Go, James! Go!

963. The simple fact of the matter is this,

964. our young man had to shoot down their young man

965. at the rate of two seconds a lap.

966. If he does full throttle on the straight, I'm sure it's not Captain Slow.

967. - I know... - That's his nickname, you know?

968. It's like we call him "Lofty". It's the opposite.

969. Towards the end of the first lap,

970. James had closed the gap to just one second.

971. James was driving brilliantly,

972. - but, then, disaster.

973. He locked up, he lost ground, and then he had the work to do all over again.

974. Happily, James is no quitter.

975. And with half a lap to go, he was right back under the Porsche's wing.

976. With just two corners to go, he made his move.

977. I don't want to see!

978. I can hear them, I can hear them both!

979. Which car would appear first?

980. Which one?

981. - It's there! - The Stig! James!

982. James. Some say, you saved our bacon.

983. Others say I was bound and gagged in the locker room.

984. Yes.

985. And on that bombshell, that bouncing bombshell, it's now time to end.

986. Uh, if you are a German and you have any complaints

987. about the film you've just seen though,

988. do, please, feel free to write to us.

989. - Our address is, 1966...

990. El Alamein Square, 1939-1945 Jutland Street, London, W.E.1.

991. Okay. So, we'll see you in the autumn.

992. Thanks so much for watching. Take care. Goodnight!