Top Gear 11x4

1. Thank you very much!

2. Hello and welcome. Thank you.

3. Now, we start tonight with a question we've borrowed from Radio 4.

4. Can a car ever be art?

5. Most experts on the subject say no, but then most experts haven't clapped eyes

6. on Alfa Romeo's latest creation.

7. It's called the 8C and I think it's quite simply

8. the best-looking car ever made.

9. It's not dramatic.

10. It's not ground-breaking.

11. From some angles, it's not even desperately pretty.

12. As Francis Bacon once said, there is no beauty that hath not some strangeness

13. about its proportions.

14. And he's right, whoever he is.

15. Look at Keira Knightley, she's just an ironing board with a face, and she works.

16. So does this.

17. With its long nose and short tail, it's as classically correct as a Ferrari Daytona,

18. or a Georgian's house.

19. You probably expect the noise it makes to be classical too,

20. like a cello being played by an angel in a pillow of honey. No.

21. Sadly, only 5008Cs have been made, so it's very unlikely you'll ever see one.

22. But if one passes within 20 miles, trust me, you'll hear it.

23. Some cars have tuned exhausts,

24. so the noise they make is as fake as a hooker's smile.

25. But this sounds real. This sounds fantastic.

26. Listen to it on the overrun...

27. Ha-ha!

28. So, it looks gorgeous and it sounds amazing.

29. And on top of that, it's an Alfa Romeo.

30. If I can liken the whole global car industry

31. to the human body, Toyota is the brain,

32. Aston Martin is the face, Cadillac is the stomach.

33. And Alfa Romeo, as we discovered last week, that's the heart and soul.

34. So, what is it, then, this £110,000 car?

35. Well, at the front, there's a 450 horse power 4.7 litre version of Maserati's V8.

36. The gearbox, in true Alfa tradition, is at the back.

37. The Ferrari seats are carbon fibre.

38. Most of the car, in fact, is carbon fibre, so it weighs less than a Mitsubishi Evo.

39. You might imagine, then, that it's very fast.

40. They say it'll get from 0-60 in 4.2 seconds and that its top speed...

41. is 182.

42. I think they could have made it faster than that.

43. But then it would have been faster than a Ferrari,

44. and in Italy, that's a bit of a social no-no.

45. That would be like vomiting on the Pope. Sorry.

46. So, what about the handling?

47. It should be good. The weight distribution is bang on, there is a low centre of gravity...

48. It's even got a limited slip diff.

49. Add all this together and the overall result is... Terrible.

50. The steering feels wooden. And the suspension...

51. It feels like it's made from old tea bags.

52. Here's some sacrilege. It feels like a Mustang.

53. There's the flappy-paddle gearbox.

54. I don't like any of them, but this one really is a bit ESN.

55. And you know the worst thing?

56. You're driving along and your foot gets jammed underneath the brake pedal.

57. And you know what? I don't really care about any of these things, because

58. buying this car for its dynamic abilities

59. is like buying a porn film for its plot.

60. I don't care, either, that it has a ridiculous boot.

61. Or that it has no back seats, or that the steering wheel's in the wrong place.

62. I wouldn't care if the seats had spikes in them and the sat nav had Tourette's.

63. A man from the Tate Gallery told me the other day that a car can never be art

64. because, for something to be art, it can have

65. no purpose other than itself, no function.

66. Well, look at this. It doesn't drive very well, it's not been built with much care,

67. and it is hopelessly impractical.

68. What Alfa has built, then, is not a car, it's a centrefold.

69. What Alfa has built is 14 feet of art.

70. Look at that, James!

71. I have to admit, you're right.

72. It does work better as a poster.

73. It's a bit like a Lamborghini Countach.

74. This should really be supplied with four pieces of Blu Tack on it

75. so you can stick it to the wall.

76. Cause that's where it belongs.

77. Anyway, we must now find out how fast it goes round our track.

78. And that, of course, means handing it over to our team racing driver.

79. Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York...

80. And he has a full-sized tattoo of his face on his face.

81. All we know is he's called the Stig.

82. And he's off. Global warming means it's super wet out there today.

83. The poster's going to get very soggy.

84. Very gingerly into the first corner.

85. Back-end, is that lurching a wee bit through there? Looks like it is.

86. But of course, the Stig's got it under control nicely.

87. The Stig's still loving Daniel.

88. Surprised the Daily Mail haven't picked up on that.

89. Very sideways coming out of Chicago. Coming up to Hammerhead now.

90. This could be quite understeery in this weather.

91. Nope. The Stig has used a hoof full of throttle to cure that.

92. Look at that driving... Impressive stuff!

93. Right, now the follow-through.

94. Can he open it up here?

95. On this lake where the track used to be... There's the tyres.

96. Where is he? Oh.

97. Finally he gets there.

98. And opening it up now on the main straight towards the two corners left.

99. Very twitchy. Stig earning his raw pork treats today.

100. He's going through, all over the shop. And across the line!

101. Bit of a clue here how well it did.

102. If we look here,

103. in similar conditions, the Mercedes SL55 did a 1.33.2, okay.

104. The Alfa, 1.38.2.

105. That is just right down there.

106. That's one of the slowest cars we've ever put round there.

107. But think of it this way, as posters go,

108. it is quicker than that tennis girl scratching her arse.

109. Now, as you know, we get quite a few letters of complaint on Top Gear.

110. A lot are from communists and hippies, so we ignore them.

111. Anyway, look. Last week, we thought nobody would be watching

112. because that epic tennis match was on, which...

113. - We were all watching! - Which we were watching, yeah.

114. It turns out one person was watching Top Gear, and boy, is he an eagle-eyed chap.

115. "Eagle-eyed chap" isn't what you called him when his letter arrived, mate.

116. No, I called him something smaller and fruitier than that. Nevertheless...

117. He says he was watching the show when I was driving an Alfa Romeo along the road.

118. He says, and he hasn't just complained to the BBC,

119. he's complained to the police, about this, that I clipped a double white line.

120. Well, here's the footage.

121. - Ooh. - Yeah...

122. That bloke should have been at Wimbledon actually,

123. with those crossing the white line spotting skills.

124. Anyway, it does appear I'm banged to rights and you know

125. I think apologies where apologies are necessary, I'm very sorry.

126. I shouldn't have done it. I'm normally fastidious about that sort of thing.

127. But there we are, a mistake. Good job I'm not a brain surgeon!

128. Now, are there any mothers here?

129. Yes.

130. Yes? Well, Fiat has decided you need patronising.

131. So, they've come up with a limited edition version

132. of the Panda. We've got a picture of it.

133. Why is it for mothers?

134. Because it's called the Panda Mamy. I'm not joking.

135. And they've given it an orange interior and a purple exterior to match your varicose veins.

136. And a really big boot that it's embarrassed about.

137. - And its air bags are two feet lower down... - Oh!

138. On a normal model.

139. What will they do next? A Fiat Recently Divorced Father

140. with a sat nav that only goes to the zoo?

141. That's quite sad.

142. That's a good idea, actually.

143. Cos I've got a Fiat Panda and I've also got a very young nephew

144. and a young niece,

145. so they could bring out the Panda Unsuitable Uncle,

146. which has just got a very sharp kitchen knife left lying around.

147. - I went on the internet this week, and I found this. - Oh, God.

148. It is just pure pornography.

149. - Look at it. - It's filth!

150. That is a convertible version of the Alfa Romeo HC that I was driving a few minutes ago.

151. That is gorgeous, though, isn't it? Don't you think that's gorgeous?

152. - Great news! - What?

153. The Dacia Sandero. I've got a new picture!

154. Ooh.

155. Anyway, I think we've had more signposts sent in this week.

156. We're having this campaign to get rid of unnecessary signposts

157. on the side of the road.

158. And we had one in...

159. Imagine if you're driving along, thinking,

160. "These roadworks ahead look really complicated.

161. "I hope they put signs up to simplify it all for me."

162. Well, they have. There you go. That's made it...

163. What is...

164. My particular favourite from the week is this one.

165. As opposed to gradual gunfire!

166. And here's mine.

167. Some bloke nailed that to the post, stood back and said,

168. "Yes. I don't see anything wrong with that."

169. - It could be in the other direction. - I see what you mean!

170. Anyway, right. Boris Johnson.

171. Boris Johnson, as I'm sure you know,

172. has announced this week that the London congestion charge will not,

173. as Ken Livingstone suggested, be going up to £25 a day, he's keeping it at eight.

174. Boris has got a round of applause.

175. However, in the interests of political balance, I do have a complaint about Boris because

176. he said when he was campaigning that he was going to get rid of the bendy buses.

177. - Didn't he? - Mm-hmm.

178. - Well, what's the delay? - Hang on, give him a chance.

179. How long's he been in office now?

180. - Two months. - Exactly.

181. - Two months? Time me. - Yeah.

182. Right, we've got a phone. Hang on...

183. Ready...

184. Go! Is that Reg Varney?

185. You know those big long buses with elastic in the middle, get them off the road.

186. Don't send them out ever again. Sell them to the Belgians or someone.

187. Was that two months?

188. - Eight seconds. - Eight seconds.

189. Come on, Boris, hurry up!

190. That's sorted that one out. Good.

191. Hey, Audi's bought a photocopier.

192. - No! - Yes.

193. No, it's a... Bear with me, it's a really good one.

194. Because what they did was put the Q7,

195. you know the big huge thing they've got, they put that through their new

196. photocopier at 75% and made this, the Q5,

197. which is a whole new Audi, you see... It's just exactly the same!

198. It really is.

199. - Seriously, is that a new car? Which one's... The blue one? - No, it's a new car.

200. This one is the new one. It's about 75% the size of that one.

201. - Have your mum and dad got a photocopier? - What? Oh!

202. - Yes, and it was stuck at 60%. - 60!

203. Yes, all right. Moving on.

204. Thank you.

205. I want to talk about the new Ferrari California. Here it is.

206. And that, I think, is the first Ferrari ever with a front-mounted V8.

207. You think? You don't want to say that in public.

208. You'll have the Ferrari owners' club

209. coming round your house in their Mondials.

210. "Mr so-called celebrity so-called May.

211. "Surely you remember the B3684/B

212. - "from 1956?" They will, mate, they'll turn up.

213. Ooh, they're an adenoidal bunch of angry young men.

214. Mostly angry because they haven't actually got Ferraris.

215. "I've got a polo shirt with Ferrari on it."

216. No, I'm going to say that that is the first Ferrari in the company's history

217. with a front-mounted V8.

218. That's brave, a brave thing to say. I'm going to say something else brave now.

219. You ready?

220. That's not very good-looking.

221. You're right. It isn't, is it?

222. And you know something else, there hasn't been a good-looking Ferrari

223. since the 355.

224. They're all just not... It's...

225. - We think they're good-looking... - Because they're Ferraris.

226. Exactly, but they're not good-looking enough. I'll tell you what it's like.

227. You know? Who's that girl in Sex And The City?

228. Sarah Jessica Parker. We all go, "She must be pretty."

229. She looks like a boiled horse!

230. Right, that's the end of the news.

231. Wait a minute. Check my flies. You know how eagle-eyed our viewers are.

232. - They're not that eagle-eyed. - What?

233. Not that eagle-eyed.

234. Now, this is a Datsun 120Y, okay.

235. And the company that created it has now brought out a follow-up model.

236. It's not coming to Britain till next year

237. but the follow-up to this, frankly, I couldn't wait.

238. So last month, I went all the way to Japan to try it there.

239. This is what I've come to see.

240. The 193mph Nissan GTR.

241. It's a very far cry from the old 120Y.

242. Its engine is made in a hermetically sealed lab to ensure

243. the components don't microscopically expand while it's being assembled.

244. Its tyres are filled with pure nitrogen,

245. because normal air is considered too unstable.

246. No-one has ever made a car this way before.

247. Plainly, the best way for us to test this incredible car is for one of our Top Gear races.

248. But to do that, my colleagues would have had to come out here as well.

249. - Hello. - Here's what we've got in store.

250. A race starting here, were we are now on the western seaboard,

251. right across Japan, that's 400 miles, to a mountain here.

252. At... Noko...

253. - There! - Where there is a statue to the Buddha of road safety.

254. - Yes. - Anyway we're going to be using

255. the most efficient public-transport network in the world.

256. And most of the time, we're going to be on the 200mph bullet train.

257. - Very nice, bullet train. - Yes.

258. Great. And I'm going to be taking them on in the GTR.

259. - Which is a Datsun. - Yes, on roads with a 60mph speed limit.

260. - Where there's a policeman every 200 yards. - Yes.

261. And you're going to have to drive through Tokyo,

262. which is the most congested city on earth.

263. - A piece of cake. - You've had it.

264. And so, at precisely 8:11 in the morning, the race began.

265. Thank you.

266. Look at them. They look like ramblers.

267. We now had 25 minutes to get into town, find the station

268. and catch our first train.

269. Those two have got so many different connections to make,

270. so many forms of transport to go on,

271. the chances of them making it without a single mistake are nil.

272. And if they do make a mistake, that's it.

273. - Have you seen these manhole covers? - No.

274. They're fantastic.

275. A boy from Birmingham and a man with no sense of direction,

276. in Japan, won't win. The end.

277. Here we go.

278. For what? You don't know what that says!

279. Whenever there's a red dot. I think that must mean, "You are here."

280. Look, the ice-skating man

281. with the picnic table.

282. That's a man on skis playing a harp next to it

283. which probably doesn't mean "train station."

284. I want to adjust the scale on the sat nav.

285. But it's all in Japanese.

286. I daren't touch it in case at all just goes off and then I'd be doomed!

287. Konichiwa. The station?

288. The thing is, you see, all Japanese cars...

289. Help!

290. To deal with the language problems, we'd all been given

291. speaking translator machines, and at the station, we fired ours up.

292. Ticket...

293. This isn't going to take long.

294. He knows you want a ticket. It's a ticket office.

295. - That's a good point. - He's not gonna assume you're asking for shoes.

296. Sorry, that's wrong. That was, "Is this seat taken?"

297. - How do I go back? - It can't be difficult. Sorry.

298. The road has opened up. Here we go.

299. Don't try and match the symbols. I know you are.

300. Okay, I've got a 3.8 litre,

301. twin turbocharged V6 engine, which produces...

302. Actually, I've no idea how much horsepower because each one is handmade.

303. Nissan say it's around 470 brake horsepower but an American magazine

304. tested the one they had and it was producing 507 horsepower.

305. Morning. It's like being in a black-and-white film.

306. Morning.

307. But the best thing about it is that each gear box is

308. tailored to work with a specific engine.

309. This one wouldn't work in any other GTR.

310. Not even NASA do that with the space shuttle.

311. They're not just hanging around on this platform. Look, there's a line.

312. You have to walk through the lines onto the train.

313. What a brilliant looking train.

314. Okay, here we go. The motorway network.

315. Now we can be a bullet car!

316. The Datsun would cross Japan by motorway,

317. go through the centre of Tokyo,

318. under Tokyo Bay and up a mountain road to the finish line.

319. We would take four trains and a bus to the bay, cross it on a ferry,

320. and then get to the finish on a cable car.

321. Our route was almost 150 miles longer,

322. but we would have no jams or delays.

323. 87% of normal trains in Japan are on time.

324. But, for them, being late is anything over a minute behind time.

325. So that's a late train, if it's a minute.

326. But in the UK, to be late, it's got to be over ten minutes late.

327. And if trains are late,

328. you get a free rail journey.

329. So if this is late, we don't pay, and we get a little pass

330. that explains to your employer why you're late!

331. He's had it.

332. There are a lot of speed cameras on the motorways but they put signs up

333. saying "It's in 300 metres, 200 metres, 100 metres, there it is."

334. The only trouble is the signs are all in Japanese.

335. However, I'd come up with a cunning plan.

336. In Japan, a simple photograph of the number plate isn't enough.

337. They have to also have a photograph of the face to know who was driving.

338. So what I've done, is I've made this.

339. It's a Bill Oddie face mask.

340. So he's going to be sitting in a badger hole somewhere,

341. and he's going to be collecting points in Japan on his licence.

342. - Hammond. - Yes?

343. Was your train late?

344. No! Nothing's late. It left to the second on time.

345. You've had it. We're going. We're on the way.

346. - We're being shouted at. - Hang on, mate, there's a man shouting at me. What?

347. Mate, I've gotta go, I've gotta go.

348. I like it when there's an emergency like that in his voice.

349. Gotta go, gotta go.

350. It means something's gone wrong in his world.

351. It might be rude to use the telephone in the train.

352. Unable to talk to my rivals, I started to fiddle with the GTR's buttons.

353. All the graphics on the system were done by the same company

354. that does the graphics for the Gran Turismo PlayStation game.

355. This is amazing.

356. Engine oil temperature, water temperature, engine oil pressure, boost!

357. And that one gives me my acceleration and braking in G.

358. Steering G. There it is.

359. I can't understand the answers.

360. - Exactly, it's pointless. - That's the problem.

361. Two fried eggs, that's not what I want.

362. I do that. Oh yeah, that was...

363. Sorry, officer, I was trying to get half a G while changing lane.

364. Speed camera coming up.

365. There we are.

366. As James and Richard trundle towards Kyoto,

367. I was hurtling up the west coast of Japan.

368. Or was I?

369. I'm definitely in Switzerland.

370. I've gone wrong. Somehow, I've gone through North Korea, Russia, Poland,

371. Germany, and I'm in Switzerland. How have I done that?

372. The mountains were staggering, but I couldn't look

373. because the Japanese had tunnelled through every single one of them.

374. Finally, I'm out of the tunnel. I can't...

375. Sunlight! It's gone again.

376. Two hours into the race

377. and our train, bang on time,

378. was already two-thirds of the way to Kyoto.

379. For Jeremy, however, things weren't going so smoothly.

380. - Hello? - Get out of the way, man.

381. Come on! Come on!

382. - What are you doing? - So, you're just in a traffic jam?

383. Hammond, there's a man driving at 9mph!

384. There's no wonder China's going to overtake you

385. as the dominant industrial power if you drive at that speed!

386. Hello?

387. Don't tell me, it's the biggest drama ever to befall a car journey.

388. It actually is. Yes.

389. Predicting the traffic would wind me up,

390. the Top Gear office had provided me with a calming New Age CD...

391. The 100 Best Whale Songs.

392. No! No!

393. No! No, no! Not roadworks.

394. Besides the whale music, the office had also given me a packed lunch.

395. Mmm... These are crabs. Can you see that?

396. Real little crabs. Shell, legs.

397. Mmm.

398. Meanwhile, we had arrived at Kyoto Station

399. where we'd switched to the bullet train.

400. Let's follow everybody else.

401. We have got to get a bit of a move on because it's 11:10 and our train goes at 11:32.

402. Getting a move on, though, wasn't easy.

403. There's a ticket machine. Tickets! Tickets! Tickets!

404. That's it. Destination three. Right.

405. - Now what? There's millions of them! - Well, I don't know.

406. - Well, I don't know either! - I don't know what any of this means.

407. This... See the little Indian fellow on the top?

408. This is lemonade, curry flavour.

409. Eventually, we had our tickets.

410. Domo arigato.

411. And then, Richard announced that he was hungry.

412. I don't like any of that.

413. I won't like those.

414. Certainly won't like that.

415. That is just a fish, lightly killed and then put in a bag.

416. The marvellous thing is that Richard Hammond won't be able to enjoy any of this,

417. because he won't eat anything unless it's come from a burger van on the A38.

418. "But, I don't like cheese. It's full of bacteria. And I don't like fish."

419. Mate, it's all fish. - Yeah, it's good for you.

420. - I don't like fish. - Well, you've come to the wrong country.

421. Speed camera!

422. Is that it? Yeah.

423. Is it supposed to look like that?

424. They call it the duck-billed platypus.

425. - Well, they're not joking, are they? - And it is 11:32 on the dot.

426. Hello, Jezzer, we've just boarded the bullet train in Kyoto.

427. I still had all of Japan to cross

428. in a car which is limited by Japanese law to 112mph.

429. They, meanwhile, were now steaming towards Tokyo at 200mph.

430. - I don't care how clever his Datsun is. - We're going faster.

431. God! The average delay on the Tokaido Shinkansen two years ago...

432. That's the one we're on. Six seconds.

433. Six seconds?

434. They're electric, obviously, the trains.

435. They actually have a motor in every single carriage rather than just power cars

436. to keep the weight distribution even to reduce wear on the rails.

437. Okay, there are three names of bullet trains...

438. I think that's enough facts.

439. Hey! Hey!

440. - Okay, Plemium, Plemium. - Premium.

441. - All the way up and as quickly as possible. - Okay.

442. I have seen X Factor winners less cheerful

443. than all petrol pump attendants are in Japan.

444. Look at this! Brrr!

445. How frightening is that?

446. He can spot your beaver from about a mile away.

447. Good grief!

448. Show the viewers.

449. Well, look. That's where we got on, Kyoto.

450. And we've been on for, what, minutes and we're there,

451. - and we're going to, where's Tokyo? - There.

452. So, we've gone there to there in no time at all.

453. While the girl gave my GTR a thousand-smile service,

454. I went to buy some more dead fish.

455. HIV. - HIV what?

456. I was loving Japan. I was loving the race.

457. But, weirdly, I was struggling to love the GTR.

458. It's not the gizmos that I find depressing, like I do in a Ferrari.

459. They're wrong in a Ferrari but this is a Nissan.

460. You expect it to have yaw sensors and G sensors,

461. it's Japanese. That's right.

462. I just wish that at road speeds, it would occasionally

463. put its hand down the front of my trousers and have a little rummage.

464. It's almost like it finds a dual carriageway in Japan just a bit, sort of, easy.

465. Nevertheless, it was still a car,

466. which means it would easily beat those two on their Victorian relic.

467. Come on, car, I need 5% of your potential to beat these idiots.

468. And, boy, did the car respond!

469. - Hello? - May, do you...

470. May, can you hear me? I'm in Tokyo.

471. - No, you're not. - Oh, yes, I am!

472. - I don't believe you. - Unfortunately, mate, I am in Tokyo.

473. How the hell have you done that?

474. Driving a product of the 21st century,

475. not something from the Middle Ages.

476. He got cut off.

477. They will be so depressed by that.

478. It's the bullet train! Honest to God, they have been so cocky

479. and confident that this time they were going to win, and they're not!

480. We were down but not out, because we knew

481. he was heading straight into the jaws of Tokyo's legendary traffic jams.

482. So, it's time taken in Tokyo now. Yes.

483. Tokyo is where the battle will be won or lost.

484. Really struggling to like that car.

485. I don't like the way it looks.

486. And on the sort of dual carriageways,

487. it's a bit like a digital camera, you know? It's very clever...

488. - But it's got no soul. - It's got no excitement, that's the problem.

489. Anyway, we do have a full track test of this later in the series,

490. and we'll be picking the film up later on.

491. Now, it's time to put some stars in our reasonably priced car.

492. Here's the thing, okay? A lot of people say that

493. that female newsreaders are only chosen for the way they look.

494. But plainly, that isn't true, because

495. my guests tonight, right pair of mingers!

496. - Ladies and gentlemen, Fiona Bruce and Kate Silverton!

497. - Hello. How are you? - Good.

498. - Not at all mingers! - Hello. How are you?

499. - Great. Are you well? - Very well, thank you.

500. Have a seat.

501. Ah! I was looking forward to today.

502. - Good. - So were we. Yeah.

503. - You've of course been on Top Gear before. - Yes.

504. You pushed me out of a lift. Do you remember?

505. Yes. And then you said something and I had no idea you were saying it.

506. Do you know a lot of people thought I said you had a nice bottom.

507. - Hang on! Are you saying you didn't say it? - And you'd be right!

508. I said...

509. "That Oxford-educated newsreader's wearing cotton."

510. - Jeremy, stand up, let's have a look at your backside.

511. - It's got a thing on it... - Everybody, what do we think? Facing this way!

512. - It needs a bit of work! - I've been smacked by a...

513. It's like being Max Mosley!

514. Now, I've been hearing from the Stig. He says that you

515. are one of the most talented people we've ever had round the track.

516. - Who are you looking at? Me? - Yes, you. And you're one of the most stubborn.

517. - I don't like being told what to do. - No. He said that.

518. When he said "turn left" and you turned right and said, "It's the same thing"...

519. - Yeah. - On a track, it sort of isn't.

520. - He kept bossing me around. I hate that! - I liked it!

521. So, you had fun. The job I can think of that is more fun than this one is reading the news.

522. - Really? - It'd be fantastic! I'd love to read the news.

523. - Do you think anyone would believe you, Jeremy?

524. You wouldn't be allowed to, more to the point.

525. No, it'd be great. You sit in the studio, warm, read stuff out, lesbians come.

526. - Remember that? - Yes.

527. The lesbians came and chained themselves to the desk.

528. We've waited for six years for lesbians to come and chain themselves to things.

529. - Is that your dream? - Oh...

530. We had one guy came in, I don't think you were there then,

531. and he was so cross about something, probably the way we were presenting or something,

532. that he broke into the BBC, got one of the printers

533. and hurled it through a glass partition

534. as he tried to make his way into the gallery. So that was quite exciting.

535. Things do tend to happen, or your co-presenter lets your chair down mid-link.

536. That happens to me a lot.

537. We couldn't do that with Richard Hammond. He'd disappear out of view.

538. You wanted to be a journalist, didn't you, from a young age?

539. - Yeah. - Your heroes were?

540. I've always been a bit adventurous, so, Ranulph Fiennes was a big hero of mine

541. and then I saw the film Under Fire, about Nicaragua.

542. I thought of being a war correspondent would be the thing to do.

543. I kind of got slightly satiated when I went to Iraq, last year.

544. - Did you get shot at? - I got mortared and dived for cover on air.

545. Typical BBC! The cut, there's me in the middle of the screen with my two soldiers that

546. I was interviewing. Mortars started dropping. The soldiers yell, "Mortar!"

547. Sophie Raworth's on the line going, "What the hell are you doing?" but still live.

548. She comes back into view. She says, "We'll be back with Kate as soon as we can."

549. You're about to do the Antiques Roadshow. I'm quite angry about that.

550. It's the job I most wanted to have.

551. - Is it? - Oh, Antiques Roadshow?

552. It is a fantastic job. I love it. But why would you want to do it?

553. I love all the detail and that getting in there.

554. You can tell it wasn't made in 1643 in Stoke.

555. And the best thing the absolute best thing, is when

556. they come along, "How much do you think it's worth?" "Oh, £200."

557. - "No, I'm afraid it's worthless."

558. Or no! When they say, "If you'd kept it in the original box..."

559. - That's... - "It would have been worth £10,000. But sadly..."

560. My favourite one I ever saw on the Antiques Roadshow,

561. was some woman brought a bowl with a lid on, and she'd sellotaped the lid down.

562. When they'd taken it off, it was yellow. "If that had been in its original condition,

563. "it would have been worth £1,000. But because of something you've done,

564. "it's worth about threepence ha'penny." I laughed like a drain for weeks!

565. Now, I want to talk about cars, if I may. Err, Kate...

566. - Early cars. Anything good? Anything embarrassing? - I had a lovely early car.

567. I inherited it from my sister. She paid £75 for it.

568. - I bet it wasn't lovely. - It was a Citroen Dyane.

569. I was right.

570. Red. She painted black dots all over it, so it was a ladybird,

571. - and then I put stickers all over it. - To hold it together?

572. - Yeah!

573. I loved it. I learnt everything about the car because there was so little

574. that could go wrong with it, you could mend it with an elastic band.

575. - Can you mend cars? - My dad was a London cabbie,

576. and insisted that having three girls,

577. that he wasn't going to have girlie girls. At least not with me!

578. I'd be changing tyres in the middle of the forest if we broke down.

579. Why were you in the middle of a forest when you broke down?

580. That was always my route home from the pub with all my friends in the car.

581. - Epping Forest, cos you are an Essex girl. - Epping Forest! Yeah, I am!

582. It's okay!

583. - And your cars, then? - I got a Citroen.

584. - Which one? - C4 Picasso.

585. - It's great! - You didn't buy a Picasso!

586. It's really good. I love it.

587. You don't have to switch the headlights on, it does it for you,

588. you don't even have to put the handbrake on, it does it for you.

589. - This hurting you, Jeremy? - My type of driving.

590. - It's a hateful car! - It's not. It's brilliant.

591. - It's not! - I can't believe how rude you are about my car.

592. He's so rude about my car. Isn't he rude?

593. Yeah! - Is the Picasso terrible?

594. Yes!

595. - No! Come on!

596. Um... Okay, now.

597. - We must get on to your laps. - Oh, God!

598. The weather wasn't good. It was extreme...

599. - We aquaplaned round, actually. - The Stig was nice, was he?

600. - Yeah. - Very nice, yeah.

601. He genuinely is impressed with...

602. I think the follow-through, he said you did it flat out in fourth gear.

603. - Did you do it? - What do you mean the follow-through?

604. - It's a very fast...

605. It's what you do if you go flat out in fourth gear.

606. - In the pouring rain. - Well, it was only because I think he must've been kidding.

607. But I thought, if the Stig... He said to me, "Go flat out. I want you in fourth."

608. - He was kidding. - "Go round." When I came out, I said, "I did it."

609. - He went, "You're kidding." - No.

610. He wanted to give you the kiss of life if something went wrong!

611. I have no idea

612. whose lap is lined up to go first of all.

613. Shall we have a look, everybody? Let's play the tapes.

614. Who's that in there? I think it's you, Kate.

615. No, it isn't! - That was first gear!

616. Now I'm in fifth!

617. Oh, my God, that was hopeless.

618. We got the gears sorted out.

619. Here we are, first corner. That's lovely.

620. - Smooth steering. - Skidding wildly! Woo!

621. - All right! - This is so much more fun than the school run!

622. It is.

623. It looks so slow. Trust me, it isn't.

624. That's very tight through there.

625. God, I need a boat, not a car.

626. Coming up to the Hammerhead. Are we going outside the line? You want to watch this.

627. Eagle-eyed viewers will report you for crossing the white line there.

628. Fourth gear. Don't brake into the corner, just go for it! Woo!

629. You did it as well!

630. - That's a follow-through. Is it? Oh yeah, I did that in fourth gear.

631. - What, flat out? - Yeah.

632. I'm startled. And that's a beautiful line through there. You're being modest.

633. - That's on the grass. - I'm hitting the grass. Oh, God!

634. Here we go, into the last corner. And that into Gambon. That's brilliant. Fantastic!

635. - What are you on about? That's very good.

636. - I couldn't change the gears properly! - That looked really fast.

637. - That was really fast. Shall we have a look at Kate's now? - Yes!

638. - Yes, play the tape. - Oh, God!

639. Ooh, look at that!

640. Yes. - Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm officially

641. in charge of a car on my own.

642. - Really? - Like this.

643. That's an alarming thing to say!

644. - Into the first corner. - Wee-ow!

645. Like a mouse!

646. - Come on! - Foot is right down.

647. Sorry.

648. - I don't know what to say! - I don't know who I'm apologising to,

649. but I'm a newsreader. I shouldn't swear.

650. No! Save it for when Gordon Brown comes on the telly next time.

651. Right, here we go. That's very smooth through there.

652. - Slightly less exuberance. - This is for you, Stig.

653. I'm going to go in fourth flat out round the corner.

654. This is very brave what's happening here.

655. - Ohh!

656. Oh!

657. - Oh, I'm enjoying this! - You don't say!

658. And again, that was very smooth through there.

659. Cutting the corner nicely round... Tyres squeal, in that water!

660. - So, Fiona, I've got yours here. - Okay.

661. - Where do you reckon? - Definitely going to be at the bottom.

662. No, you're not at the bottom. You did it in...

663. - One minute, which means you're not at the bottom... - Oh, good, yes!

664. 57.4. That is hugely quick out there.

665. We could take seven or eight seconds off that because of that.

666. - Well, bung it up then, go on! - I can't bung it up, that's the time you did it in.

667. - Unfortunately. Now, Kate. - I think I'm bottom then.

668. No, you're definitely faster than me.

669. - You reckon? - Yeah, without a shadow of a doubt.

670. - No, I think it's bottom. - One minute, so not bottom.

671. - Okay. Yeah. - Fifty...

672. - ... 4.7. - Fantastic!

673. That is seriously quick.

674. 4.7 is there.

675. I'm a bit innumerate. If you take seven or eight seconds off that,

676. - you'd be up with the Trevor Eves and the Gordon Ramsays. - Yeah!

677. - Stig was impressed! - I think you should stick it up then, definitely.

678. - In a manner of speaking. - And on that bombshell...

679. - It's probably time to end! Thank you very much, guys! - Thank you very much.

680. Ladies and gentlemen, Fiona Bruce and Kate Silverton!

681. Right, tonight we're having a race across Japan.

682. It's between Jeremy in the new GTR, which is billed as a sort of spaceship,

683. but which we think is just a Datsun, and us on brilliant Japanese public transport.

684. Yes, and it is just across Japan, from here across Tokyo,

685. across Tokyo Bay, and then up a mountain to the finish line,

686. where there's a Buddha to road safety.

687. Now, when we left the action, Jeremy had just entered Tokyo,

688. which is the most jammed up city in the world,

689. and we were on the brilliant bullet train doing 200mph, here.

690. So, the car was ahead,

691. but to maintain that lead, I was going to be relying heavily

692. on my Japanese girlfriend, Amy.

693. The trouble with Tokyo is that it is about 50 miles from one side to the other.

694. I was braced for the Tuesday afternoon traffic that lay ahead.

695. If it was really bad, all of Bill Oddie's speeding tickets would have been for nothing.

696. - I thought he'd still be about here. - We're still in it.

697. We were now arriving at Shin-Yokohama Station on the edge of Tokyo.

698. And the next part of the journey for us was critical.

699. Jeremy could plough straight through the middle of the city

700. to get to the bay, but we had to catch two more trains and a bus

701. to reach the ferry terminal.

702. We couldn't afford a single slip.

703. - Transfer to... - Subway.

704. - Right fork, yes!

705. Amy and I were now in the middle of Tokyo,

706. and despite James' claims that we'd be stuck in traffic for a week, the simple fact is this.

707. There wasn't any.

708. James, "It'll be all traffic, worst traffic in the world, you won't move." Look at it!

709. We had less than ten minutes to catch our next connection.

710. - That's the subway. Subway. - Tokyo's not a city, it's a racetrack.

711. Well, that's no good.

712. - Do we have to have another ticket? - I don't know.

713. Er... Can we ask? How do we buy?

714. What's the name of the boat? Where do we get off?

715. Honestly, I didn't think I was going to do this one.

716. I didn't think I was going to win it.

717. That's obviously the fare, it gets bigger as you go further away.

718. - How much do we need? - Bullet train, pah!

719. Right, I think it was this way.

720. Right, go! Go, go, go, go!

721. We were in such a rush, we boarded the tube train

722. not knowing if it was going in the right direction.

723. This is the Yokohama city subway, but does it go to Yokohama?

724. Yokohama, number 20...

725. - It's four stops. - So if this flashes 23 now,

726. that's the next stop and we're going in the right direction.

727. - If it says 25... - Exactly.

728. We've got to jump off.

729. 23...

730. - Yes. - Yes!

731. I didn't panic!

732. This is what comes of not having a congestion charge.

733. We were now at yet another station looking for the train to Kurihama.

734. - Kurihama? - Kurihama?

735. Kurihama?

736. I was so confident that when I did occasionally get stuck at the lights,

737. I broke out some of the Japanese toys the office had provided.

738. It's an air guitar!

739. - It's May or Hammond.

740. - Hello. Hammond, how are you? - Jeremy. I'm very well, how are you doing?

741. I am in Tokyo, and I'm going brilliantly well, I shall look on my sat nav.

742. How fast are you going?

743. - Oh, my God. - What?

744. I've just turned the sat... I've turned the sat nav off.

745. Why did you do that?

746. I just wanted to look where I was, cos it comes up on the phone thing when you're on.

747. Well, I can tell you exactly where you're now you've turned your sat nav off. Lost! Bye!

748. With all the sat nav controls in Japanese, I had no clue how to get it back on again.

749. Oh, this is just...

750. I'm going to have to...

751. This was a good moment.

752. We had successfully caught the last of our four trains

753. and would be at the finish line in two hours.

754. Meanwhile, Jeremy, for the first time, was in trouble.

755. No.

756. Right, there's a plane coming in to land there, that must mean...

757. Narita airport's over there.

758. - Sorry, I just asked for the wine list. That's not right.

759. Amazingly, I found a policeman who spoke English.

760. Sort of.

761. Yes, this tunnel.

762. This road will lead down, uh...

763. One, two, three, four signal.

764. Lights? So four signals?

765. - Four, maybe. - Maybe?

766. As our train waited in the station, I went to try my luck

767. with one of the on board drinks machines.

768. - Then James rang.

769. Hello? Yeah, will do. I haven't found a vending machine yet,

770. but as soon as I do, I will.

771. Yeah, but we're not moving.

772. Well, not now we're not.

773. What do you mean we are? No, we're not.

774. Mate, I'm not on the...

775. How can I not...

776. Gear position, braking, acceleration.

777. - Hello. - James?

778. No, it's not James, it's me... Why would James be ringing you up?

779. Because there's...

780. Something peculiar has happened.

781. We're not on the same train.

782. - What! - Hello.

783. We're not on the same train.

784. The train stopped in a station, I was walking along it to try and

785. find some drinks from a machine, and then

786. James had moved off, he was in the front of the train, it split,

787. so he's going somewhere, I don't know where yet.

788. I stopped in the station, then

789. I got off my train to see what had happened, and then my train left.

790. So if that was the right train, I'm not on it.

791. If it wasn't the right... One of us is on the right train, one of us isn't.

792. If it's any consolation, mate, I've just arrived at a dead end.

793. I've got to ring James now, I'm sorry.

794. I might just go for a cup of coffee on this basis. Ha-ha-ha!

795. I was now all alone with just a Blair Witch handycam.

796. Hello, viewers.

797. Jezzer has obviously spoken to Hammond, because Jezzer's just rung me up to gloat.

798. Um... Kurihama?

799. - Kurihama. - Yeah.

800. Okay, moment, please. Come down.

801. Stomu Yamashta got me on the right train, and I called James.

802. But my train was 15 minutes behind James's, so I'd have

803. less than two minutes to catch the bus.

804. You're going to have to hold it.

805. Just run like hell for the bus because if you miss the bus, we're stuffed.

806. - Amy's back! Amy's back!

807. Amy's back on my screen!

808. I pushed everything, she's back!

809. And not before time. Being lost had cost me 45 minutes.

810. The lead I built up had been wiped out.

811. Show me some of your muscles, car, show me your muscles.

812. That says, "Do you know my friend?" I mean, "Can you wait, please?"

813. I was now off the train and hoping to God James had held the bus.

814. Buses, there should be buses. There's no buses.

815. I was now heading for the tunnel under the bay in a big hurry,

816. and for the first time the GTR was starting to come alive.

817. When you put your foot down like that, you just get the vaguest whiff

818. that this car can go round the Nurburgring in 7 minutes 29 seconds.

819. That's faster than a McLaren Mercedes, it's faster than a 911 Turbo.

820. - Hello? May.

821. I'm with my old mate Richard Hammond.

822. Damn it! Oh, great.

823. Mate, they're getting cross cos you're using your mobile.

824. - Hello? - We're in trouble now for talking on a phone on the bus.

825. He wants to talk to you.

826. Oh... Hi.

827. Do you know what time you're actually getting on the ferry?

828. 25 past it leaves. We're getting on it at about 22 minutes past.

829. All of us were now minutes from the bay.

830. - Is that bell bad?

831. This is really close now.

832. Still in the bosom of Japanese public transport,

833. we knew for sure we'd arrive at the finish line in 55 minutes.

834. All we could do was hope Jeremy's life would be less predictable.

835. It depends...

836. - How busy it is. - ... on the terrain, whether it's

837. small roads, whether it's busy, whether there's a speed limit,

838. whether he gets lost.

839. Small roads? No, not really.

840. As the immense bridge ended, I knew it would all be down to

841. the final charge up the mountain.

842. Frankly, what I'm going to need to win this now

843. is a divine wind, and I've got just the thing.

844. I'm ready! Here we go!

845. I knew they'd be at the finish line at 4:25 precisely.

846. Arrival time, 4:31.

847. That's six minutes after them.

848. I'm putting the gear box in race, that speeds up the change time.

849. I'm going to put the suspension in race, that firms it right up.

850. Then I'm going to put the traction control in race, that lets me have some slip.

851. Bang on time, the ferry docked, a full mile

852. from the cable car, but we had no intention of walking.

853. I've no time to slow down for these barriers. Oh!

854. Bloody hell, you'd win Wimbledon with barriers like that on the end of your arm.

855. Ahead of me lay the mountain road, GTR country.

856. My God...

857. Just now it's all coming together, it's all just becoming a GTR.

858. - Hello. - Jeremy.

859. Yeah, where are you?

860. We are disembarking now.

861. This is so damn close.

862. I can't work it out, but he is... He is very close.

863. I've now got it down to 4:27.

864. - Ready? - Yes.

865. - Let's do it. - Right.

866. - Uh! Wah! - Ah!

867. Ah!

868. 4:24.

869. This is the clash of the titans now, and it's going down to the wire again.

870. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

871. I wish you could feel my heart rate now.

872. I really wish you could feel what's going on here.

873. Go!

874. Hold on!

875. Thank you.

876. Come on, come on, come on, baby!

877. I was now giving it everything.

878. So at the top here there is a Buddha

879. - to road safety. - Apparently.

880. Wouldn't it be brilliant if we got there and Jeremy's GTR was buried in the middle of it?

881. "Watch this, I'm here..."

882. - "Oh, dear." - Bang.

883. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

884. - This way. - Finally, I made it to the Buddha's car park.

885. Victory is mine!

886. But that wasn't the finishing line.

887. Go where? Where?

888. Run!

889. Come on, go, go, go! Just leave it, leave it, leave it!

890. That's not a temple.

891. We were now converging on the Buddha up two different paths.

892. - Are you sure we haven't overshot it? - Come on!

893. No!

894. Please, God... Don't let them be here.

895. They aren't here.

896. A car just beat the bullet train.

897. That's Buddha! This is the Buddha to road safety!

898. We've done the 9th and the 10th century. This wall was 12th century...

899. Um... So you remember from the lecture I was giving you...

900. - Hi, guys! - Oh.

901. Just interesting how this

902. is a different century to that.

903. Yeah. Yeah.

904. - You ran up there as well? - Oh, yeah.

905. - Congratulations. - How long you been here?

906. Really not long.

907. Genuinely? Honestly?

908. Three minutes 12 seconds.

909. That is so close.

910. Thanks, Buddha. You looked after him.

911. - Disappointed! - Wait for it.

912. - Which is? - That's Japanese...

913. - For? - "Oh, cock!"

914. Now, look,

915. we do arrange those races so that we know they're going to be close, but even so.

916. That really was astonishing. Anyway, there's not much else

917. to say really now, except thank you, Tokyo,

918. for being empty, and thank you very much for watching.

919. See you next week, good night!