Top Gear 11x2

1. Tonight, Audi's dynamic ride control-tested to the limit in the Alps.

2. Variable torque split transmissions given a workout on our track.

3. And Merc's 190mph Black on the edge in Wales.

4. Thank you so much. Thank you.

5. Hello! And, yes! Tonight, and for one night only,

6. we've accidentally made a show all about cars.

7. For the whole show, not one of us falls over or catches fire, or anything.

8. No! That said, later on we are going to do the cool wall.

9. - It's back. It's back.

10. But we are kicking off with these two.

11. See, in the not-too-distant past you had a very simple choice

12. if you wanted a fast four-seater rally car for the road.

13. For one lap of the Nurburgring, you wanted the supersharp Mitsubishi Evo,

14. for the journey home, you wanted the more comfortable Subaru Impreza.

15. Anyway, there are now new versions of both these cars.

16. Let's try the Subaru first.

17. Right, so it's got a gear leaver and a steering wheel and a key,

18. so it all seems very normal.

19. But it isn't.

20. Because before I set off I have to choose how much traction control I'd like.

21. That means going into the vehicle dynamics control system.

22. Then when you've done that you have to choose where you want

23. the power from the engine to go. The front wheels or back wheels.

24. You can have it in auto

25. or you can put it into manual... Six settings for this.

26. When you've done that you'll have to choose what kind

27. of throttle response you'd like.

28. Kind sporty in "Sport". Very sport in "Sport Sharp".

29. Or "Intelligent". This is more complicated than my daughter's mobile phone.

30. Honestly, I am surprised you don't drive it with one of these.

31. But you don't.

32. This car isn't an anorak.

33. It's where people who make anoraks go to buy their anoraks.

34. And life isn't much better in the new Mitsubishi Evo 10.

35. I have even had to resort to the handbook, here it is.

36. Because there is a button here that says ASC off.

37. Now, chapter four, verse 56.

38. And lo. "An operation noise may be emitted

39. "from the engine compartment in the following situations.

40. "The sound is associated with checking the operations of the ASC..."

41. "... driving force and steering performance while pressing the acceleration pedal."

42. Who writes this?

43. If you push this once, I don't understand.

44. Oh no, wait, look.

45. Now I see!

46. This is to tell it whether we're driving on tarmac

47. or gravel or snow.

48. So both these cars are complicated.

49. Both are Japanese.

50. Both have four seats.

51. Both have turbos, both have four-wheel drive.

52. Both were born in the world of rallying.

53. Both will get from 0 to 60 in under five seconds

54. and both have a top speed of 155.

55. So, to try and split them up a bit,

56. I've devised a simple test involving a small group of rally enthusiasts.

57. So what I am going to do is see how close I can get to them

58. in each of the cars, flat out, without mowing any of them down.

59. Okay, Mitsubishi first.

60. I have had a 14-year-old set up all the computers for me.

61. So let's see what's what.

62. On the very first attempt I came within half an inch.

63. And that put a huge smile on the rally fans' faces.

64. So now, here comes the Subaru.

65. Here we go.

66. Oh, sadly the teenager had set the car up all wrong

67. and it had understeered wide.

68. The spectators were livid.

69. I therefore decided to have another go.

70. Turn in, no power on, the back will come round, yeah.

71. That's the face of a man who's lost his Bovril.

72. To cheer him up I had one last attempt.

73. Turn in, no power.

74. This went so badly, it's not really suitable for family viewing.

75. In the olden days it was very close between the Evo and the Impreza,

76. it was like Chelsea and Manchester United.

77. But now,

78. with these new models it's like Chelsea and...

79. I don't know enough about football!

80. Um... What team plays in red? That isn't as good as Chelsea?

81. Nottingham Forest. - Nottingham Forest.

82. And it's not just my close-quarters rallying test where the Subaru falls down.

83. Let's be honest, shall we? It is uglier than a war wound.

84. It's far too soft and wallowy.

85. It sounds...

86. Like it's running on Mogadon.

87. And the only reason they can sell it for £25,000

88. is because it has fewer luxuries than...

89. I don't know... An Egyptian's lavatory.

90. So let's concentrate on the Mitsubishi.

91. This is not an Egyptian's khazi.

92. Its TV screen is a Sat Nav.

93. It's a graph showing you your average speed and fuel consumption

94. over the last two hours.

95. But don't think this car is aimed at an audience not old enough to drive yet.

96. It will quite literally run rings around the Subaru.

97. It's so much sharper, so much more focused, better-looking as well.

98. And the engine in this FQ 360 model is such a tower of power,

99. it can keep all four wheels spinning endlessly.

100. I know the engine speed for this corner in a Ferrari or a Lamborghini is 65.

101. I have just gone in at 100.

102. It's just so easy.

103. It is genuinely incredible, and I do mean that.

104. There is no car that handles like this one.

105. Even if you have a crash, it will still keep going.

106. I thought it would be impossible to make a four-door saloon

107. more exciting than the old Evo 9, but with the 10,

108. they have!

109. See what I mean? James May never exploded in that film.

110. - Didn't get lost. - Just cars.

111. Just two cars.

112. So...

113. That's sorted it out, this is the one to buy.

114. Oh, no, you would have to be drunk and mad to buy this.

115. Oh, God!

116. No, seriously, it's brilliant on the track.

117. Unlike old Evos, it's also comfortable on the road,

118. and you don't have to service it every 700 yards,

119. but instead of a fuel tank, they fitted a pipette.

120. I have worked this out.

121. If you drive flat out you will empty the tank in 48 miles.

122. - Ah. - What I would do is buy this one,

123. - which is the less powerful version. - Sorry, less powerful?

124. - Less powerful. - Is there a doctor in here?

125. Really, bear with me, okay? This has 300 horsepower rather than 360,

126. so you go further on a tank. Okay?

127. It has a six speed gearbox, not five.

128. It looks exactly the same. Has the same top speed. Handles exactly the same.

129. - Yeah, but... - And this is £6,000 less than that.

130. Yeah, but the Subaru is £7,000 less than that.

131. But there is lots of things cheaper than that.

132. Would you like to have keyhole surgery on your scrotum?

133. - That's very cheap.

134. - Do you want that? - No!

135. You see, I've won the argument. Now we must find out

136. which is the fastest round our track.

137. If it's the Subaru, you are going to look like such a knob now.

138. I am a bit nervous about that, but nevertheless

139. we shall hand them over to our team racing driver.

140. Some say that each of his toenails are the same as a woman's nipples...

141. And he thinks the credit crunch is a kind of breakfast cereal.

142. All we know is he's called The Stig.

143. Subaru first, and he is off.

144. No, wait.

145. Oh, he's still setting it up, bear with him.

146. There he goes! Start the clock.

147. I suspect The Stig will have it set with the power going to the back.

148. So basically it's a Mark II Escort.

149. You see the back stepping out there?

150. Into the first corner, that will undoubtedly arouse the rally fans.

151. Stig seems to have gotten into Elton John, not literally.

152. Chicago, neat, not that quick.

153. The Impreza is a hatchback, you'll note, rather than saloon, for the first time.

154. Still looks like a butchered bull terrier, though.

155. Fair bit of understeer and tyre squeal, that's not good.

156. Okay, follow through, chance to really stretch that 2.5-litre boxer engine.

157. Brisk through the tyre wall. Two corners left.

158. He is getting sideways there.

159. And now he is coming up to Gambon.

160. More sideways stuff, like a 1970s rally car and across the line.

161. Now the Evo.

162. What's he doing?

163. Oh, he's ready. And he's off! There we go.

164. For fairness, we're using the less powerful model.

165. It has the same 300 horse power as the Subaru.

166. Obviously, of course, the Evo is better, as I've said.

167. Through the first corner, taking it wide, but it's looking good.

168. And, unlike the Impreza, this doesn't resemble a smashed buttock.

169. Chicago was very neat.

170. Hammerhead... Subaru wasn't very good, can the Evo do better?

171. Bang on the lines, that's stunning.

172. Tidier, on the correct line, a little drift towards the exit.

173. He is really cracking that 2-litre turbo charged engine now.

174. Come on, Stig, quicker!

175. Hurry up! Second-to-last corner.

176. Stig's hands are all over the wheel like a crazed, Japanese robot.

177. Through Gambon, four-wheel drift and across the line.

178. - Come on. - Got the times here.

179. Subaru, 1.28.2.

180. So that goes... There.

181. Look, you see. Look, quicker than the Evo 8.

182. Good, so how much quicker or otherwise?

183. Oh no, it's all smudged!

184. - No, you did that. - No, I didn't. You can't read it.

185. You smudged it. I think it says... Yes!

186. - 1.17.1, ladies and gentlemen. - No, it didn't!

187. - Yes, it did. - What did it say?

188. One-twenty...

189. It's 1.22.2.

190. 1.22.2? It's slower than the Subaru. The Subaru's faster!

191. - It isn't. - No, it is.

192. - It isn't. - It just is.

193. No, it isn't.

194. Right, let's do the news.

195. 'Round where I live, there is a new system

196. for paying for your parking using your mobile phone.

197. But the difference is that it responds to voice commands,

198. and the really amazing thing is that it works.

199. Until you get to a bit where it says,

200. "In one word, describe the coulour of your car."

201. - In one word? - Yes.

202. You can't do that in a word.

203. - Everyone would go, "Um..." And it would be "um". - Exactly.

204. I paid for 20 minutes' parking with a Fiat Panda 1.2 Eleganza in "uh".

205. You've got to describe the colour in one word,

206. so, if they ask me, "Lovely".

207. - Now, anyone see Doctor Who a couple of weeks ago? - Oh, yeah.

208. Yeah.

209. Stig's been moonlighting. We've got a clip of it here.

210. Check it out.

211. It's a worry.

212. The thing is, though, he is such a professional,

213. he realised there'd be a shot where you could see through his visor,

214. so rather than reveal his identity, he tore his own face off.

215. - It was disturbing to watch, but dedication. - Yeah.

216. Now, good news. Jaguar has found a pound

217. and has decided to spend it tarting up the XK.. This is it.

218. It's the XKRS. It's essentially the same but with different suspension.

219. and it's got a Bluetooth system in it.

220. - Now, have you ever connected anything up using Bluetooth? - No.

221. Has anyone managed to...

222. Yes. It's easy!

223. It is not easy.

224. I was driving this, and it said, "Do you want to dock your phone to the dashboard?"

225. It says, "Enter the pin code, 1547." You enter it, it says, "No, that's wrong."

226. - Yeah, but I think in that Jag it asks it you want to mate... - It does.

227. If you're encouraging them to mate,

228. I think a box of chocolates and some nice music would work better...

229. It's just impossible. Absolutely impossible.

230. So you're trying to encourage your phone have sex with the dash?

231. What is it they do to encourage farm animals to mate? 'Cause they do.

232. They have to wait for the lady cow to be in heat, then they put the bull in there.

233. That's good, because you can't wait for your dashboard to have a period

234. before you make a phone call.

235. How can you know when your dashboard's having its period?

236. Because the Sat Nav would lose its temper for no reason.

237. "I said, 'Left!'"

238. That's what it is.

239. I think you'd find, after a few years,

240. you'd discover your dashboard had been faking all its connections.

241. With your best mate's mobile phone!

242. - Good news! The Vauxhall Vectra is dead. - Excellent!

243. Here is the replacement, the Insignia.

244. Apart from anything else, you gotta say that is a good-looking car.

245. There's no arguing that. Have you seen the new ford Fiesta?

246. Look at this, everyone!

247. - That's unbelievably good. - That's terrific.

248. Am I right in saying the really good-looking cars now are the mainstream?

249. Have you seen, for example, that Renault Laguna coupe?

250. Or the Citroen C5. Have you seen that?

251. - There's that Passat CC, the coupe version. - I know, they are.

252. Bad news! The Dacia Sandero, it's delayed.

253. Oh, no!

254. Anyway, last week, we introduced a campaign to rid Britain of its signposts.

255. It seems to have struck a bit of a chord with the country.

256. We've been sent loads and loads of stupid signs that need taking down.

257. One of my favourites is this one.

258. Now, quite apart from the fact that the sign costs 500 quid,

259. how long was the meeting, and involving how many people, and how many biscuits

260. before they said, "No we can't put 10 miles, people will think we're making it up."

261. After 11 miles, are the squirrels just grey again?

262. - It's very precise, isn't it? - It is.

263. What if you got a really brave squirrel who said, "I'm gonna go for the 12!"

264. Or he was reaching over for a nut...

265. Can I show you another really stupid sign? Look at this one.

266. Now, I live in the countryside and I know

267. that squirrels don't have antlers.

268. - I have been tossed by a squirrel like that. - I'm sorry.

269. I mean head-butted... Not tossed!

270. That is the technical expression.

271. I wouldn't be surprised if one of your clubs offered squirrel tossing.

272. Anyway, look, I went on the Internet this week and I found this!

273. I also found this.

274. What that should say is, "Lane closed so we can impose

275. "a preposterously low sped limit

276. "on the lane that isn't closed and then put average-speed cameras up

277. "so we can catch you speeding and fine you,

278. "and spend the money on signs with squirrels with antlers on them."

279. That's what that should say.

280. Right, moving on! Until recently, if you wanted a very fast estate car,

281. well, you had two choices, BMW M5 or Mercedes E63.

282. A difficult decision.

283. And it just got harder,

284. because there is now a third way from Audi.

285. This is what they've come up with.

286. The new RS6.

287. And straight away, there is a problem with it.

288. Take this boot space.

289. At 1,660 litres, it is a lot less than the Mercedes,

290. and the BMW has seven speeds in its gearbox.

291. This has to make do with a miserable six.

292. Still, the RS6 does have some feathers in its cap.

293. You see, the Merc and the BMW have around 500 horsepower apiece.

294. This has more.

295. 572 horsepower.

296. 572!

297. This is an estate car with more power than a Ferrari F430.

298. It's got more power than a Ferrari F50, for crying out loud!

299. What you have here, then, is the most powerful estate car in the world.

300. 0-60 takes 4.6 seconds.

301. Top speed is limited to 155mph.

302. But on the unlimited Autobahn,

303. Audi test pilot have had more than 200 mph out of this thing.

304. Hardly surprising when you see the engine.

305. It is an enormous 5-litre V10,

306. which is boosted by two turbo charges.

307. The whole car is awash with evidence it means business.

308. The Gene Hunt wheel arches, the angry grilles,

309. the rally car pedals,

310. the very un-estate-like Recaro seats and, finally, the ceramic brakes.

311. They cost six grand, which is a bit painful,

312. but then the whole car isn't exactly a bargain. It costs £77,000,

313. almost ten grand more than the Mercedes or the BMW M5.

314. Now, as Jeremy found out in the last series,

315. those cars are both pretty special to drive.

316. So, how does this big missile stack up?

317. That's why we're in the skiing town of Les Arcs in the French Alps... To find out.

318. I'm going to drive from here, then drive down the mountain, a very winding road,

319. all the way down here, down, down, then along,

320. and up a bit at the end, to get to La Bar Ferme at Villaroger.

321. And, predictably, there's an improbable race involved...

322. Against these two.

323. They are Antoine Montant and Francois Bon,

324. Two top tier skiers who are also capable

325. of seducing up to seven chalet girls at any one time.

326. I'm not a petty man, but I sort of dislike them already.

327. Anyway, while I am driving all the way down the mountain,

328. they shall attempt to beat me by taking a more direct and dangerous route.

329. That means taking a ski-lift and climbing to the top of the mountain,

330. then skiing straight down here to finish at the bar.

331. With luck, they'll both crash

332. and several hundred chalet babes will return to England with their honour preserved.

333. Before the off, we discussed tactics.

334. Their English was poor, but, luckily, I speak French.

335. Okay, okay.

336. Au revoir.

337. Right, this is it.

338. Into the car's computer, a lot easier to use than the BMW's.

339. I've got three options for the ride settings, sport, dynamic or James May.

340. I think, today, sport.

341. - Okay, chaps, you ready? - Yeah. Yeah.

342. Here we go! Three, two, one, go!

343. Now, it's 22 miles to Villaroger and La Bar Ferme which is our finish line.

344. But this race isn't just Top Gear tomfoolery.

345. This route has a lot of bends, twists, turns and straights,

346. so it should give us the opportunity to see if it has got what it takes.

347. Come on, big fella! See what you've got.

348. Back up the mountain, the skiers were in the first of three lifts

349. it would take to get them to the top.

350. The thrust of this thing!

351. Concentrate, Hammond, concentrate!

352. One patch of ice and I will be falling for weeks.

353. One thing I have to remember, hurtling down this hill,

354. this is a heavy car.

355. It is 145kg heavier than the BMW M5 estate.

356. That is like driving around with Chris Moyles permanently in the boot!

357. With this much power and this much mass,

358. on this sort of road,

359. the four-wheel drive system is working overtime,

360. but then, in the RS6, it does have pep.

361. Nerve moment, it's got very sophisticated suspension.

362. When a car goes into the bend, say a right-hander,

363. it starts to lean to the left.

364. This pumps more oil into the shocks on that side

365. to prop it up and stop it doing that.

366. Hairpin!

367. Yes, it can handle it!

368. Six miles down.

369. Where are they?

370. They were still climbing in the cable car.

371. Leaning on the brakes again, again, again!

372. I think six grand is cheap.

373. I would pay a lot more!

374. The finish line was now 12 miles away.

375. Up on the mountain, the two skiers were in their final cable car.

376. I only need the tiniest window to get past. That might be it.

377. Wow!

378. Ten miles to go. Ten miles. Come on!

379. If they are still going uphill, they've had it.

380. In fact, they were still climbing,

381. even though they had now run out of ski-lifts...

382. Because these guys had no intention of using normal ski runs.

383. Listen to that!

384. With just five miles of driving left,

385. the skiers were now at 11,000 feet...

386. Come on!

387. And ready to come down the fast way.

388. 30-kilometres-an-hour limit. Thirty. Fair enough, it's a town.

389. Get on with it! Turn left, for God's sake!

390. The skiers had plummeted 6,000 feet

391. in the time it had taken me to do two miles.

392. It was getting close.

393. To the left! I am going uphill.

394. This is where I have all of the advantages.

395. 572 of them, in fact.

396. Then, with the village in sight,

397. the skiers hit some global warming.

398. I was moments away,

399. but the skiers weren't beaten yet!

400. Go! Go! Go!

401. Where do I go? Where do I go?

402. The bar was hidden in a mass of narrow streets.

403. Oh, God, I'm lost. Not now. Please, not now!

404. Any channels, this is Hammond, where are you?

405. Which way?

406. Oh...

407. Well done!

408. Good. Been here long?

409. Now go to a bar and pursue some of our English women.

410. All right.

411. Which is best, the Audi, the Mercedes or the BMW?

412. In your world, I'm guessing none, but on planet Earth,

413. if what you really want is a bonkers estate car,

414. you'd have to have the Audi.

415. Well, you say that, but you just lost that race.

416. That's only because I got lost.

417. If I'd bothered to find out where the bar was before I set off, I'd have won.

418. So, thanks to your incompetence, frankly, we have to conclude

419. that if you want a powerful German estate car, buy two small Frenchmen!

420. - Yes!

421. Right, it's time now to put some stars in our reasonably priced car.

422. My guests tonight played government agents in the hit series Spooks,

423. not a very realistic programme, if I'm honest,

424. 'cause none of the spies have ever left a laptop on a train,

425. and they've never lost an entire town full of illegal immigrants.

426. Still, I am a huge fan, so I am delighted to welcome

427. Rupert Penry-Jones and Peter Firth!

428. I see you got dressed up!

429. You, on the other hand...

430. Have a seat, gentlemen.

431. Some water. So have we enjoyed ourselves today?

432. - So far. - Absolutely.

433. We're both knackered. You have to concentrate for so long.

434. We're not used to focusing for so long. Usually it's just a few seconds.

435. A minute and 50 second.

436. Yeah, but we've got the attention spans of about seven seconds.

437. - So it's a bit of a stretch. - I'm knackered.

438. - It didn't go well in your practices, did it, Rupert? - Some went well...

439. Who would like to see Rupert trying to practise?

440. Yes!

441. Let's just take a look. This is lap number three.

442. Second-to-last corner, inevitably.

443. And... Oh, dear!

444. Oh!

445. Would you like to see what the car looked like after that?

446. I had to get out of the passenger...

447. I'm not bothered where you had to get out.

448. You'd broken our precious Lacetti.

449. That's what you're supposed to do, isn't it? It's entertaining.

450. It is entertaining. Well done. Well crashed, we enjoyed that.

451. Listen, can we talk about Spooks?

452. It really is a fantastic series.

453. I'm completely hooked.

454. And one of the thing I really like is that there's no guarantee

455. when you sign up, that you are going to be in there for a long time.

456. It's a great dramatic device, to kill heroes. It doesn't happen in TV.

457. - No, it doesn't. - Spooksis the only show that does it on a regular basis.

458. Every time he asks for more money or five-day weeks,

459. they start giving him scenes where he might die.

460. Putting the silencer on the end of the gun!

461. I nearly died about six times in the last series.

462. There's always a mole, isn't there? There's always a spy.

463. Why don't you ever notice that?

464. - When is it coming back? - End of September.

465. Because, presumably, each of the episodes is longer this time,

466. now you've got 42 days to question everybody.

467. Okay, let's talk about cars.

468. You first of all. First car?

469. First car? My parents bought me a Volkswagen Polo, olive-green...

470. Nice.

471. Which, when my dad gave it to me, the keys had the VW sign

472. and I thought it was a Beetle and got very excited.

473. He could see the look on my face, and he said, "No, it's not a Beetle."

474. It's a Polo.

475. You were disappointed that you got Polo instead of the Hitler mobile?

476. It's got character. When you've got no money...

477. Horse manure's got character! And then, you, Peter?

478. Your car history? I understand you once emigrated to Australia

479. and left a car in a car park? Not Australia, I mean America!

480. - Colonials! - Yeah, I parked my car in a car park in St John's Wood

481. for what I thought was a couple of days,

482. then I went to New York to do a play, and I stayed two years,

483. and effectively forgot I left it in this car park in St John's Wood.

484. When I got back, they wanted £5000, which I didn't have.

485. No, I suspect a lot of actors wouldn't...

486. So they took the car in lieu payment.

487. What was it? A Mercedes 300 CE coupe, 1966.

488. Oh, my God. Nice car.

489. Did you not ring someone in England and say, "I've left this car...

490. - "I've decided to say here." - This is the man who runs MI5.

491. - You're from Yorkshire, aren't you? - I am.

492. I've got this thing about actors who aren't from Yorkshire,

493. who get jobs playing Yorkshiremen. People like him.

494. - I've never played a Yorkshireman. - No, you wouldn't

495. because they always put a "T" in. "I'm going to t-pub."

496. Thank God somebody else has noticed. I thought it was me.

497. Emmerdale, Coronation Street...

498. "I'm going t'foot of t'bloody stairs."

499. It's implied, the "T", isn't it?

500. - It is. - You don't actually say it.

501. I'm going... Pub.

502. Which is why... You remember the band The The?

503. They could never play Yorkshire, because "I'm going to see..."

504. Now, got this poll. Have you seen this?

505. New Woman'stop 100 sexy men.

506. You... 57th.

507. The annoying this about those polls is you never look at who's behind you.

508. You always look at who's ahead and, "I can't believe that person's..."

509. Because in 32nd there's a little fridge magnet named Richard Hammond.

510. You see!

511. You see you are one behind Gordon Ramsay.

512. You see? That just ruins the whole thing for you.

513. I'd love to get you and Richard Hammond sharing a flat.

514. "I want the mirror." "No, me."

515. We can get one for him. Didn't you once try to chat up Jenny Agutter?

516. - How do you know that? I did. - Well...

517. We did a movie years and years ago and went on the road doing publicity for it,

518. and at yet another opening and another party afterwards,

519. I did say to her, having had a few drinks,

520. "Can you give me one good reason why we don't go back to my hotel room?"

521. She said, "I can give you several."

522. - That was the end of it. - That's such a killer, that.

523. I want to get rivalry going now. Who has the most interesting car now?

524. I've got an R8 at the moment.

525. Not bad. And you have got...

526. I've got a Maserati Cambiocorso.

527. That's the flappy paddle? That's pretty good. So you're interested in cars?

528. You both had SLs in the past.

529. I've still got my SL. I don't think I will ever get rid of it.

530. - It was the first decent car I bought. - Was it the Bobby Ewing, or...

531. The 86. They were very good.

532. It's lovely. It costs a lot in bodywork. I didn't have a garage until recently.

533. - We've seen your bodywork.

534. Right, so, the laps.

535. - So the laps? Who did the fastest? - I don't know. It was close.

536. Both of you looked like you were trying. There was no...

537. - Isn't that the point? - Yes!

538. Some people don't look like they're trying, but you two do.

539. We eanted to see if two people...

540. - 'Cause it does make you sort of... - Yeah.

541. Shall we see the laps?

542. Yeah!

543. Here we go. One of you is first and it is... Who is that?

544. It's you, Peter!

545. Did you like the Lacetti?

546. - Wonderful car. - Isn't it just!

547. Yeah! Who's the daddy?

548. Yes, that's the way.

549. Oh, dear, the breeze of insanity is blowing through your head.

550. Come on, you have some power in there!

551. We come into the Hammerhead.

552. Ooh, er, missus!

553. Yes, that's a man on...

554. - Stayed on the lines. - He did. He did well there.

555. I've got the air conditioning off 'cause it gives me two extra horsepower.

556. It's worth it.

557. And it's kinder to the environment and you use less petrol.

558. And we don't care about... Look at that!

559. Looks good, that. You moved the camera, which is always important.

560. Off the road a bit.

561. And through Gambon...

562. And there we are, across the line!

563. Now, who wants to see Rupert's lap?

564. Yeah!

565. Okay, play the tape. Here we go. It's Rupert underway.

566. I went into fifth!

567. Yeah, we can bleep that out.

568. I think you are saying, "Fancy that! Bother!"

569. is what he said there, behind the pixels. That was a sudden turn.

570. Oh, that's quick. That is quick.

571. Oh, my heart's racing. Whoa!

572. That's wide...

573. And then getting tight again.

574. Not bad, not bad...

575. - Does that look as fast as it feels? - No, it looks really slow.

576. - That looks really slow. - But it isn't.

577. That's understeer.

578. No, wait, you stay between the lines brilliantly, as well.

579. Come on, come on, this has got nothing!

580. It has! It's got racing seats and a roll-cage.

581. A good job we have a spare car here,

582. otherwise this wouldn't work very well.

583. Second-to-last corner, usually catches people, and it's got you again!

584. That's off-roading, that's off-roading, that's off-roading, there we are!

585. Right.

586. So, where do we think we have come? Let's have a look.

587. Let's do Peter first.

588. Where do you reckon, Peter?

589. - No, wait... Rupert. - Me?

590. - You don't know why I've done that.

591. Rupert, where do you think you have come?

592. - Above James Blunt. - Where's James Blunt? What time is he?

593. You're looking very low.

594. Above James Blunt,

595. 1.48.3... You did it in...

596. 1.48.1

597. - So yes, above James Blunt.

598. So, do you reckon you beat him?

599. I think I might have edged it.

600. - Got the time here. - My two boys said the top half won't be embarrassing.

601. You did it in 1.40...

602. Look at his little face!

603. 7.1. Yes, you did. Give him a round of applause!

604. That's a good race. That is a good race.

605. That's an impressive time! You've beaten the well-spoken man.

606. Wait, wait.

607. - You're the fastest Welshman. - Oh great.

608. And you are easily the fast person from Yorkshire!

609. It's been a pleasure having you here. Thank you for coming,

610. best of luck with the new series of Spooks and everything else.

611. Ladies and gentlemen, the chaps from Spooks!

612. Now, you know how fifth gear burned down our cool wall?

613. Well... we've got a new one!

614. Here it is! The Cool Wall is back!

615. - It just got better! - And it all needs rearranging because it was all wrong.

616. There is a lot to do. The Citroen C5.

617. Very good looking. Beautiful looking car.

618. - I have made up my mind. - It is large and French, therefore it is uncool.

619. - You're wrong. It's cool. - No, it is large and French.

620. Certain nationalities do certain things, the French cook.

621. How many people say, "Do you fancy eating German?"

622. How many people say, "I want some flat-packed furniture,

623. - "so I will see Mr Thopolopoulos in Athens." - No, you've got...

624. A large French car is like a Tunisian-fitted kitchen,

625. - it doesn't work. - You are wrong.

626. Everyone thinks if you want a large car, buy German.

627. To buy French, that is a clever decision.

628. Go on, then. I can't be bothered to argue.

629. - You can put it in cool. - Can we put it in cool?

630. No! - Don't say that! He's never given in before!

631. What's this? Glue it.

632. - No chainsaw coming out of the wall? - No.

633. Now, we have a momentous Cool Wall moment.

634. BMW M-3, here it is...

635. Been in uncool for a long time, as we know, this is Cock Central.

636. The only car that even broke the Top Gearcock-o-metre.

637. Thing is, the cocks who had these have been fed up with being labelled a cock

638. even before they've opened their mouths,

639. So they have moved on,

640. leaving the people who were prepared to weather the storm of hate behind.

641. So the only people driving M3s now are those who appreciate what a damn good car it is.

642. - This is therefore now... - Annoyingly, I think you're right.

643. BMW are making a cool car.

644. Here is the big question for you. If the cocks have moved out of the M3,

645. where do you think they have ended up?

646. - Hedgehog man. - Audi.

647. He's there. Hedgehog man has got it right.

648. Well done, hedgehog man.

649. All Audi's... Where are they? Specifically, they've ended up in that one.

650. The RS4s. You get some idiot now an 18th of an inch off your bumper,

651. I guarantee he's in an Audi.

652. These are now seriously uncool cock's cars. Anyone got an Audi?

653. - Cock, cock, cock.

654. They all have those watches with the button.

655. Does this have the button? If I push it, the helicopter comes?

656. - It is. It's out there now. - This is really the watch. And you don't have an Audi?

657. I used to have an Audi.

658. This is Chief Cock...

659. What have you got now?

660. - Land Rover. Yeah!

661. What do you mean, "Yeah"?

662. - James owns one of those. - James May owns one. What's it doing up...

663. There!

664. You have taken it to the limit, but they are the rules.

665. You cannot get much less cool than that.

666. You know we got the Cool Wall back?

667. I have an important one I want to do,

668. which is, bear with me on this,

669. all Aston Martins, all of them are now rendered uncool.

670. - They have all moved down the board. Ooh!

671. Bear with me. I've given this...

672. I'm in shock. What do you mean they are uncool?

673. There is a natural cock-o-metre in the world

674. - called The King's Road in London.

675. It used to be jammed full of 911s.

676. Now every single one is a cock in an Aston Martin.

677. - All you see is Aston Martins. Oh!

678. - Rubbish! - You do! I know it is a big leap.

679. - Have you any evidence they are cocks? - I have a lot of evidence.

680. For instance, all of these people. Frank Lampard, Paolo Maldini,

681. Thierry Henry, Beckham, Wayne Rooney, Ian Wright, Sean Wright Phillips...

682. They've all got Aston Martins.

683. - The coolest footballers in the country. - The coolest what?

684. - Footballers.

685. - Wayne Rooney's got one! - That is a let-down.

686. He crashed it.

687. It was crashed by a man who looks like Shrek!

688. - They're all awful! - I still maintain you're wrong.

689. And you are not having the DB9.

690. You touch the DB9, you're going in a trapdoor for the show.

691. It's locked. I can't...

692. There. It's gone. It is down here.

693. None of you believe me now. One day you will come around and realise.

694. - Oh, all right.

695. That is always your solution!

696. Right, fridge magnet...

697. BMW-X6. What?

698. - Cool. - Wrong.

699. - No, it is. No, that is actually...

700. That's my microphone.

701. It is your microphone.

702. Now you can't argue! This is

703. a truly shocking car.

704. It is a four-wheel drive car. "No, let's make it look like a coupe."

705. That's like saying, "I want a Wellington that looks like a ballet shoe."

706. It's really uncool. That is the end of it.

707. Listen. When was the last time you just got up and went for a drive?

708. Not to anywhere or for anything, just for a drive?

709. Motorcyclists do it all the time. So why don't human beings?

710. Obviously, the price of petrol has something to do with it,

711. but could it be that cars just aren't exciting enough these days?

712. This, however, might just be enough

713. to get you out of bed before the dawn.

714. It is a special version of the AMG-CLK. It is more powerful.

715. More pumped up. They call it "The Black."

716. This is brilliant!

717. No phone, no kids, no interruptions.

718. It is just me in my little metal shell.

719. Time to think, time to work stuff out.

720. Small wonder crabs are so wise.

721. And this really is an ideal car for when it is 4:00 a.m.

722. and you've got the whole 400,000-mile British road network all to yourself.

723. What they've done to create this £100,000 monster

724. is remove the rear seats, the electric motors for the front seat,

725. the electric motor for the steering column, some of the airbags,

726. they have fitted carbon-fibre door panels and spoilers.

727. All this weight saving means that it

728. weighs just a little bit more than when they started.

729. That's because, underneath it has a wider industrial-strength rear axel.

730. It has a differential made from lead and granite.

731. It's a weapons-grade car, and it needs to be,

732. to contain the fury of what's under the bonnet.

733. There is so much fury, in fact, that if you were to unleash it all,

734. pretty soon, you would be very far from home.

735. They are used to monsters and dragons in this part of Wales.

736. But I bet they've never heard one that sounds like this!

737. This thing really is the kin of Cain.

738. The standard 6.2-litre engine that Mercedes uses in its AMG models is

739. is already bonkers enough.

740. If it had a tongue, it would go around licking windows.

741. In this, they fiddled with the electronics and the exhaust

742. and the result is a dollop of savagery.

743. In fact, this car is so fast and so mad

744. it was even delivered with a warning letter from the people who made it.

745. I have been road-testing cars nearly 25 years now,

746. and that has never happened before. But, I've got it here.

747. It says, "Ensure the oil is warm before driving enthusiastically."

748. Well, it will be now.

749. "The car is savage. It is very aggressive and racy in its set-up."

750. This is Mercedes themselves.

751. "On anything other than dry roads it is extremely lively.

752. "Quite tail-happy, even under partial throttle.

753. "The traction control must stay on."

754. Sound dangerous.

755. It isn't dangerous, though.

756. It is just incredibly good fun.

757. I thought it was going to be like a BMW-M3,

758. but it is in a completely different league.

759. It is just so much more noisy and powerful and exciting.

760. It even slows down more violently,

761. thanks to its carbon brakes.

762. I only had three hours' sleep last night,

763. but I have never felt more awake than this.

764. It is like a Saturn Five rocket.

765. I have often wondered why they call these the black mountains,

766. because they are not black, they are sort of green and brown.

767. Now I know, though, they were named for this car.

768. Hurry up, sunshine! Here we go!

769. Christ, it's fast!

770. Don't get me wrong though, that is not a racing car with number plates.

771. It is not super stiff, super taut, set up for the track.

772. If I was, I would be sitting here with blood pouring out of my ears,

773. and a smashed skeleton, thinking,

774. "Why did I go for a drive? Why didn't I get up and play table tennis?"

775. Even though it has a racing car's flared wheel arches

776. and even though some of the luxuries are gone,

777. it still has an automatic gearbox.

778. It still has cruise control and air conditioning.

779. It is still totally civilised.

780. Which means you can sit back and indulge yourself in what this show is all about,

781. the absolute joy of driving a great car

782. on a great road.

783. What The Black does is blend genuine red-eyed supercar madness

784. with drip-dry, everyday practicality.

785. I'm completely in love with it. The only thing stopping me from ploughing on

786. is that.

787. I've run out of British Isles.

788. It's a good thing they didn't film Thelma & Louise in Britain.

789. It'd have only been four minutes long. "Aah, we're going down the gorge!"

790. - It was all I could find.

791. - So, it is really that good? - Yes, Simon Bates...

792. This is my new favourite car. I'm not alone, either.

793. Don't look at me!

794. I wasn't. The Stig drove this last week,

795. he said it is the most entertaining car he's driven in years.

796. That really is enough of cars now.

797. Next week, normal accident-prone service is resumed.

798. We spend the entire programme falling over.

799. - Breaking down. - Crashing.

800. We'll see you then. Thanks for watching. Take care.