Top Gear 11x1

1. Tonight, can we solve the fuel crisis?

2. And making a better police car, how hard can it be?

3. That's some noise!

4. Hello! Thank you.

5. Hello!

6. Hello and no.

7. No, this is not a repeat.

8. We really are back. You're not watching Dave.

9. Unless this is a repeat.

10. In which case, let's remind ourselves, what we did in the summer series of 2008.

11. Bullet train. Pah!

12. He's had it!

13. Come on then, big fella. Let's see what you've got.

14. Hounds.

15. Look at this.

16. I'm very sorry.

17. Oh, my God, the brakes!

18. But let's not get hung up on the crashes.

19. I'm not talking. This matters.

20. - Whoa! Whoa! Left! Left! Left!

21. Whoo!

22. This is looking good.

23. Yes.

24. There you go.

25. So, the usual...

26. The usual orgy of speed

27. and three middle-aged men falling over a lot.

28. That actually gives us a bit of a problem,

29. because we've had a letter from the BBC,

30. and they said, what with petrol being £5.50 a gallon and all the rest of it,

31. what we should actually be doing

32. is giving some advice on fuel economy and saving money.

33. Yeah, unfortunately, that letter was opened by him.

34. - Yes. And I decided the best thing we could do

35. is gather together five supercars and have a race.

36. These are the contenders.

37. A Ferrari 599.

38. A Lamborghini Murcielago.

39. A Mercedes McLaren.

40. An Aston Martin DBS.

41. And the Audi R8.

42. They will now race round our track.

43. But to prove we're in tune with the times,

44. each will start with just one gallon in its tank.

45. There you go, the sound of the 20th century!

46. God! I love it.

47. 5.4 litre V8 versus this 6.5 litre V12.

48. We're coming side by side into the first...

49. Oh, no!

50. There, blocked him out.

51. Lamborghini's in the lead.

52. - Oopsy-daisy!

53. The sight in my rear-view mirror now, it's unbelievable!

54. This was turning into one of the most exciting races ever

55. on our track.

56. And then it turned into one of the shortest.

57. There is the Ferrari, it's gone, it's down, it's out.

58. Amazingly, after just 1.7 miles,

59. the Ferrari had spluttered to a halt.

60. It's going past. There's nothing I can do.

61. That McLaren is so quick. You forget how quick it is.

62. Shortly afterwards, the Aston was out too,

63. turning it into a three-horse race.

64. Sorry, mate, I'm gonna out-brake you here.

65. I've got an Audi R8 right up my trumpet here.

66. Then the McLaren took its last mighty swig.

67. - That noise coming from behind my left ear,

68. that is the sound of money exploding.

69. My Lamborghini soldiered on bravely.

70. Then it ran out.

71. No! No!

72. It had done 4.1 miles to the gallon, an incredible performance.

73. But the winner, with an incredible 5 miles to the gallon,

74. is the Audi R8.

75. So here's a Top Gear top tip,

76. if you've been affected by the fuel crisis,

77. this is the supercar to buy.

78. I like to think we provide a service.

79. Yeah, nice one. Well done.

80. And that was a useful piece of consumer advice.

81. Oh, well done.

82. No! But, seriously, that Ferrari, did it really do 1.7 mpg?

83. Well, there might've been a bit of fuel left in its pipes,

84. but you'd be amazed how thirsty those things are

85. when you really thrash them, it's incredible.

86. 1.7 miles means

87. - £3.23 a mile just in petrol! - Yes.

88. Yes, but the thing is, the BBC saw that film and they said we'd been stupid

89. and we had to do something more for the normal person,

90. and well, it was him again.

91. Yes, so the Toyota Prius.

92. Now, uh, to make this as economical as possible,

93. they go to the ends of the earth, quite literally.

94. I mean, the nickel, okay,

95. that they use to make the batteries that power the electric motor,

96. that comes from a mine in Canada.

97. Now, nickel mining is a filthy business...

98. A lot of sulphur and acid rain, but no matter.

99. They load it on an enormous cargo ship, send it to Europe, where it is refined.

100. Then on to China where it's turned into a sort of foam.

101. Then to Japan where it's put into batteries and into the car.

102. Erm, it's so complicated in fact, to make a Prius,

103. that a recent study found that in the long term,

104. it does more environmental damage than a Land Rover Discovery.

105. But... No, it's true.

106. But, it is at least economical.

107. - Or is it?

108. This is a BMW M3.

109. It is not designed to be as economical as possible.

110. It is designed to be fast.

111. So, ten laps of the track.

112. Let's see which one uses the least fuel.

113. Here we go.

114. The Prius would be driven as fast as possible.

115. All I had to do in the BMW was keep up.

116. Okay, so there's a 1.5 litre, 4-cylinder engine in the Prius.

117. In this, a 414 brake horsepower, 4 litre V8.

118. You would expect this to use massively more fuel.

119. It was one of the dullest drives of my life,

120. but in the interests of science, I stuck with it.

121. Coming up now, ten laps.

122. And we're finished.

123. - Come on! - I have the results here.

124. Yes. - The Prius did 17.2 miles per gallon.

125. - The M3 did 19.4 miles per gallon. - Hang on!

126. - That was verified. Hang on.

127. - So... - Seriously.

128. - Nineteen to seventeen. - Yeah.

129. At that speed, the M3 is more economical than a Prius.

130. So what you're saying is, if you want an economical car, buy a BMW M3?

131. No, I'm not actually. No, seriously, what I'm saying is,

132. it isn't what you drive that matters, it's how you drive it.

133. That is everything.

134. 'Cause there's a load of people right now, I know this, who've got Mondeos,

135. who go, "Oh, I can't afford the petrol in them anymore, I'm gonna have to get rid."

136. Don't, 'cause everyone's in the same boat, you'll get 20p for it,

137. you'll end up with a horrid eco-box.

138. Much better, don't change the car, change your driving style.

139. Well, there you go. We will put our Top Gear top fuel-saving tips

140. - on the website for you. - I think that's enough about fuel.

141. - Yeah, yep. - Moving on...

142. - No. - What?

143. No, it isn't enough about fuel 'cause...

144. Gather round, everyone.

145. - You know a Securicor van, okay? - Yes.

146. Driver's got a helmet, truncheon, they got bulletproof glass.

147. What've they got in the back 50 quid, box of stamps?

148. - A tanker.

149. 40,000 litres of fuel. It's 50,000 quid,

150. and all he's got to fend you off is a rolled-up porn mag.

151. Are you suggesting people go out and steal petrol tankers?

152. Not people, no. Us.

153. - We do? - We steal it, put it in here.

154. Google Earth will never spot it.

155. - Honestly, 'cause if you think about it,

156. 50,000 litres...

157. - That's a lot - ... of fuel.

158. Okay? That would be enough to get your Mustang...

159. - Home! - Brilliant.

160. - Well, to Guildford. - Yeah, to Guildford. We could fill up there.

161. I know, I'll tell you, it's a brilliant idea.

162. - Shall we do some proper news? - Yes.

163. - No. - What?

164. No, because you know every TV show in the world now has a campaign.

165. No. - They do!

166. Jamie Oliver's going, "Don't eat chips, eat weeds."

167. What's Gordon Ramsay's one?

168. "You got to kill your children's pets and eat them."

169. So I've come up with a campaign we should do.

170. Oh, no!

171. - Road signs. - Too late. They've already been invented.

172. - Moving on... - No, we'll get rid of them.

173. - Have you seen that?

174. Councils these days, "Oh, there's a space, we could put one in there."

175. And they just write rubbish.

176. There's one on the M40, it says, "Spray possible."

177. Well, it might be.

178. It was a June day when I went past it.

179. It's "Spray impossible," is what it should have said!

180. If they're gonna list things that are possible, they could put,

181. "Being eaten by a cow, It's possible."

182. - And then, if you see... In the olden days,

183. you used to be able to have a crash

184. and it was a fairly foregone conclusion, you weren't gonna hit anything.

185. Now you're bound to hit a sign saying, "Deer".

186. How do you know there's a deer? How do they know where the deer is?

187. Why don't they just put the deer sign on the deer?

188. - And then, it will all... - That would work.

189. Why don't they do that?

190. There are stupid ones, you are right, like the falling rocks sign.

191. - What are you supposed to do? - Speed up? Slow down?

192. Yes, 195 miles an hour to avoid them.

193. If the rocks are falling, why don't they stop the rocks falling down

194. if it's a continual problem?

195. - That would be a better spend of money. - It is.

196. There's a very good sign near where I live actually,

197. that says, "Changed priorities ahead."

198. And it's absolutely right.

199. 'Cause I was driving down there the other day and I thought to myself,

200. "I'll work harder and pay my mortgage off and be secure...

201. - "In my old age."

202. I went past the sign and after another 10 or 20 yards, I thought,

203. - "No, I'm going to go to the pub."

204. - So, it works. - Yeah.

205. If you want to join our campaign to get rid of all road signs,

206. or send us a picture of the most pointless one you've ever seen,

207. write to us at Top Gear...

208. - Christ, we've moved offices. Where are we now? - No idea.

209. Upstairs.

210. - We're above The One Show now. - Yes!

211. Yeah. - Top Gear, above The One Show, London.

212. That'll find us.

213. - Now shall we do some news? - Can we have some proper news now?

214. Yes. News from Korea.

215. They've made a... Hyundai's made a new coupe,

216. and I've got a sneaking suspicion the designer sneezed when he got here.

217. Oh, yes.

218. I think he may have been allergic to the spaniel in his sandwich.

219. Maybe his lunch bit his ankle while he was drawing that bit.

220. No, seriously, if you go to Korea, don't order a cauliflower cheese.

221. - No. - 'Cause it won't be what you think.

222. Anyway, this is called the Genesis, all right,

223. which probably means that after a couple of years

224. the front will leave and Phil Collins will move in there instead.

225. No, actually, strictly speaking, Phil Collins will come round from the back...

226. - Mmm-hmm. - ... to take place at the front.

227. Oh, leaving Chester Thomson at the back?

228. Exactly, and in case Phil Collins will have to go back to the back

229. - with Chester Thomson. - Yes.

230. I don't know what you two are saying now.

231. It's got a V6 engine, 3.8 litres

232. and in between the bank, you've got a 25-minute keyboard solo.

233. You're using words, but it means nothing.

234. Would you rather it were called the Hyundai Westlife?

235. Yeah, all right. I get it.

236. - The Hyundai Girls Aloud Hammond Edition. - All right. Thank you.

237. You know that company that's bought Jaguar? Tata?

238. - Yeah. - Mmm.

239. Well, while we are off they made a big noise about introducing a £1,500 car.

240. Well, they've done it. Here it is, it's called the Nano.

241. Whoa! - Hmm.

242. The thing that worries me about this,

243. it's like one of those Dr Who monsters that has no facial features.

244. Ugh! It's just gonna terrify children.

245. Well, it has no features at all on it, but this is the luxury version.

246. That's the luxury one!

247. Well, how much more basic could it be?

248. What could you lose?

249. Well, I can tell, you know it isn't the base model

250. because if it was the base model,

251. you wouldn't be able to see it because the mule would be in the way.

252. Hey, great news!

253. What? - The Dacia Sandero is almost here.

254. - When? - Next year!

255. Great! Now, the Toyota Urban Cruiser...

256. That is the stupidest name

257. I've ever heard of, 'cause, forgive me if I'm wrong,

258. but isn't an urban cruiser someone who wears a Mac

259. and isn't allowed within 200 yards of a primary school?

260. They may not have thought that through.

261. They haven't. I mean, that's not gonna work as a school-run car,

262. if the police arrest it every time it goes near the gate.

263. - Right!

264. Do you know what's wrong with Ferrari at the moment?

265. - No, but I'm guessing you're gonna tell us. - Yes, I am.

266. I know what it is, though.

267. It's that they spend too much time making aftershave

268. and carbon fibre crash helmets that match the dashboard of your car

269. even though you haven't actually got one.

270. Well, that's all true, but more than that, they're nerdy.

271. It's all about the plumbing and the wiring and the computer systems.

272. That's the trouble.

273. When I drive a Ferrari, I want it to be all about passion and excitement.

274. You might think this would fit the bill.

275. That it's gonna be a ton and a bit of Italian engineering

276. for the soul.

277. It's a tightened-up, stripped and striped version of the normal 430.

278. Sadly though, it's called the Scuderia which is Italian for Team.

279. That means it has a silly name.

280. It also has a silly, grinning face.

281. And wait till you see what they've done to the inside.

282. Lamborghini and Porsche go to great lengths

283. with their lightened supercars

284. to conceal how and where all the weight has been saved.

285. Ferrari were going to do that, but then

286. they just decided that there's a really good restaurant

287. opposite the factory,

288. and they went there instead and just had some lunch.

289. Look at it,

290. there are no carpets, no satellite navigation,

291. no stereo,

292. no frills at all, and it appears to have been welded together

293. by apes.

294. You might imagine that's because this is missing 100 kilo grams

295. of weight and equipment,

296. it would be considerably less expensive than the standard car.

297. But no.

298. That is £172,000.

299. It's £43,000 more.

300. There's more bad news too.

301. It's got an even more complicated computer system

302. than the normal 430.

303. Wires mean that it can change gear in 60 milliseconds

304. and that, Ferrari say, is faster than you can blink.

305. That was 75 milliseconds.

306. Now come on, quicker! Quicker!

307. Right, I'm ready for a race. Here we go.

308. Can it change gear faster than I can blink? Are we ready?

309. Steady...

310. It can!

311. In addition to the computerized gearbox,

312. it's got silicon brakes

313. and an electronic differential.

314. Then there's this switch.

315. When it's here, the traction control is on.

316. When it's here, it's on a bit less.

317. When it's here, it's off, but the stability control is still on.

318. - Then, if I put it here...

319. Big beep to tell me everything's off.

320. And now the suspension's been firmed up

321. but I can make it soft again by pushing that.

322. And if I had a side parting and adenoids

323. I'd find all this very interesting.

324. I'd come round to your house and tell you all about how it works.

325. Even the shape of the body is computer designed

326. with speed in mind.

327. It has winglets at the front and at the back

328. there's an under tray which sucks you onto the road as you go along.

329. So, the faster you go the more grip you have.

330. One of the things that really annoys me in most cars

331. is that there are no slats at the back to vent air out of the rear wheel arches,

332. which, of course increases pressure and slows you down, but in this, it has the slats.

333. Oh, yeah, definitely.

334. All this speed is as a result of those...

335. Actually, that is quite a lot of speed.

336. Yeah, that was quite a lot.

337. I wonder if it comes with bog roll.

338. I'm doing this road test all wrong.

339. 'Cause I'm mocking all this technology.

340. And that's not really fair. It's not like Ferrari aftershave,

341. or that stupid carbon-fibre

342. crash helmet they'll sell you to match the trim of your car.

343. That stuff's for idiots.

344. I want... I want the computers,

345. but I don't want them to be the be-all and end-all of everything,

346. like they are in the standard 430. I want them to be...

347. There but hidden away, buried under a big thick layer of something else.

348. And in the Scuderia...

349. They are.

350. This is not only lighter than the standard car, but lower too.

351. It has fatter tyres and more power.

352. It feels like it was designed by Michael Schumacher.

353. And that's because in parts, it was.

354. Now, I've got my foot buried into where the carpet used to be,

355. and 510 brake horsepower is roaming around the engine bay.

356. 0-60 is dealt with in three-and-a-half seconds.

357. Flat out it'll be nudging 200.

358. Round the Ferrari test track, they claim this is actually quicker than an Enzo.

359. That said, it is a tricky car to drive fast.

360. A knife-edge racer.

361. This is what a Ferrari should be like.

362. You make mistake! I kill.

363. - Whoops!

364. Oh, dear, that has not gone well!

365. It feels... It feels like a street brawler.

366. It's angry.

367. It feels like it wants to goose your mother,

368. vomit in one of your flowerbeds

369. go to the pub, get drunk and kick someone's head in.

370. Listen. Listen to the noise!

371. You only have to flex your big toe.

372. It's like God having really unusual sex.

373. Oh, there we are, he's finished.

374. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me feel

375. to be driving a proper Ferrari again.

376. Unbelievable.

377. Unbelievable.

378. So much better than a normal one.

379. I'll tell you what this car is.

380. It is like the bastard love child of Stephen Hawking and Rambo.

381. And now we must find out how fast it goes round our track,

382. which means, of course handing it over to our tame racing driver.

383. Some say that after making love,

384. he bites the head off his partner.

385. And that he has had to give up binge drinking now that it's got to £1.18 a litre.

386. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

387. He's off, and listen to the fury and mighty vengeance

388. of the 4.3 litre V8

389. as he powers up to the first corner.

390. He's there already. Turns there, a little four-wheel drift on the way in.

391. Feathering the throttle and he's through. He's very neat.

392. Ooh, of course the Scuderia doesn't have a stereo,

393. so no Stig audio nonsense,

394. just the sound of Italian mechanical rock 'n' roll, or b-wop

395. as we call it.

396. Just look how neat it is. It's staggering.

397. Two gallons of fuel gone already

398. and he is through the hammerhead.

399. This, uh...

400. This... Compared to the normal 430,

401. the Scuderia has new inlets, new exhaust,

402. the whole extra computer just to control the spark plugs.

403. Yet despite the extra power,

404. Stig doesn't even need to lift.

405. Coming up to second to last, look how controlled it is through there,

406. and again through Gambon and across the line.

407. Yeah. Now...

408. It's gonna be up there.

409. It's gonna be up there.

410. It did it in 1...

411. 19.7.

412. Whoa! - So, it actually goes there.

413. Which means that it may be faster

414. than the Enzo around the Ferrari test track

415. but it's not faster around ours.

416. It's time now to move on and put some stars

417. in our reasonably priced car.

418. My guests tonight, well, one of them

419. has very long hair and is from Bristol,

420. the other one is from the Midlands and is gay,

421. but surprisingly, it isn't James May and Richard Hammond.

422. - It is in fact,

423. Justin Lee Collins and Alan Carr.

424. - Have a seat. - Thank you.

425. The men from what was The Friday Night Project have come among us.

426. And, how was it out there?

427. - Terrifying. - Was it?

428. Yes, really scary.

429. On a Lacetti?

430. Yeah, but you're going very fast in the Lacetti, that's...

431. - You're hitting 80 sometimes.

432. Had some hairpin turns.

433. I kept doing that mirror, signal, manoeuvre,

434. and then I realized there was no other cars.

435. I kept indicating. I kept indicating, I'm serious.

436. I have to say though, I think for you it went quite smoothly today.

437. - Yes. - And for you, not so smoothly.

438. No!

439. We've actually got some clips of Justin attempting his practice runs.

440. - Anyone want to see these? Yes!

441. Let's just have a look at Justin's first attempt at getting round the track.

442. Here we go, second to last corner and... Oh, no!

443. Whoa!

444. That's a long way from the track.

445. And here we go, Chicago, that's under steer and that's...

446. This isn't good, I'm off-road.

447. - I'm off-road!

448. I'm back on-road. I just killed a rabbit.

449. Did you get the rabbit? Yeah.

450. - Did you get it? - Actually, I think I got a rabbit.

451. Good, we'll go and pick that up later, that's supper.

452. Mmm, yum.

453. Was the Stig nice to you?

454. Very nice, yeah.

455. It's Nigel Havers.

456. Uh, now, forgive me for doing this so early on,

457. I've got to know, 'cause...

458. What is a gay car?

459. Well I don't know. I'm not very clued up on cars. I don't know...

460. Are you the gay one?

461. - Yeah, that's me! - Oh, you're the gay one!

462. Right, so, you then...

463. I don't know the makes of cars, so I'm not that good.

464. I remember... I was telling you, weren't I?

465. I remember when I came down to London in me car, before I had me Mini,

466. and I rang up for the congestion charge

467. and she said, you know, "What make is your car?"

468. And I said "I don't know."

469. - Don't be so impertinent. - I know!

470. Did it not say in the middle of the steering wheel?

471. It's when they ask for the registration... - I'm on the phone,

472. I can't look. I can't multitask, I'm gay.

473. 'Cause I've been looking at your car history... What've you had?

474. I've had a lot of, um... What's it called?

475. Because I do... 'Cause I do stand-up comedy,

476. and I couldn't... I meant before I couldn't afford a car,

477. so, I had to hire a car,

478. and so 'cause I'm quite tight, I'd get the smallest one.

479. Is it a Cinquento?

480. Nearly. Cinquecento.

481. - Cinquechee. Is Italian.

482. - Is Italian for 500. - I don't know anything.

483. Five hundred. Just say five hundred.

484. - Five hundred. - Five hundred.

485. And they'd always be like yellow, bright yellow,

486. so, you've got the shame of driving a Cinquecento,

487. and people going, "Oh, look, it's Mr. Happy."

488. So, I had one of those, then I had a Smart car.

489. - I thought you were joking about that...

490. No, I did. I was driving along and this bin liner flies out

491. I nearly drive inside a bin liner in a Smart car.

492. I'm trying to find me lights.

493. - In a Smart car... - They are awful. They are awful cars.

494. And it's kind to the environment,

495. small cars, is that something that bothers you?

496. No, well, listen, I mean that's the good thing about having a Cinquento,

497. 'cause you can't car-pool, 'cause you can't fit anyone in.

498. That is a very good point.

499. And, I mean, would you pick up anyone?

500. Have you seen the people on the motorway?

501. There's always some tramp waving you down with a prostitute's head, going...

502. "Going to York ..." "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

503. So, your car history then, any better or...

504. Started with an Escort,

505. - uh, then I had two Ford Orions. - Oh, Christ!

506. So, uh, my car now

507. is a new shape Honda Civic,

508. based on your review.

509. - You mean the review on this program. - The review on this show.

510. What? You bought a car on the strength of what James May said?

511. He's got long hair and he's from Bristol, you can't go wrong.

512. It is true.

513. Is insurance an issue there with you guys?

514. - It is for you. - It is for me.

515. - Why for you? - I lied for... Oh, can you say I lied for ages?

516. - Sort of...

517. If you're not lying now, I think we can get away with it.

518. Oh, I'm not lying now. I was a school teacher

519. who never left the house for like a few years.

520. But then when I got on the telly,

521. I thought I'd better, because it is a bit...

522. And I thought, if I ever run anyone over, and they realised it was me,

523. - I'd probably have to reverse and kill them.

524. Um, you had Jamie Oliver in your car the other day.

525. No, you were in Jamie Oliver's car, you see.

526. Yeah, we were. He took us off-road.

527. And before we got in the car, he gave us a bin liner each to put on,

528. and he said "You'll need those."

529. What was he going to do to you, for God's sake?

530. Well, then... That was the start.

531. Then he gave us both like a massive cream pie

532. and a... Big jugs of water.

533. He said, "Buckle up, we're going for a ride."

534. Hold on, I'm sorry. Wait. Jamie Oliver invites you down to his house?

535. - Is this... Yeah.

536. And then makes you go in his Land Rover in a bin liner with a cream pie?

537. - Yes. - And a gimp mask. And a gimp mask.

538. - Yeah. - No, that's a lie. That's a lie.

539. He's been eating too many weeds, that's the trouble.

540. And we go all over, didn't we? Up and down,

541. and whoever had the most pie and thing and water in the thing won.

542. So, we're like this.

543. I've glassed you, haven't I?

544. - Yes.

545. I'm wearing most of the cake as a brooch.

546. Yeah.

547. I got my cream pie all in his lap.

548. Nice.

549. - It turns out my dinner...

550. - My dinner parties are all wrong.

551. Now, your show was the Friday Night Project,

552. - is now the Sunday Night Project. - Yes.

553. So, you're paid to host this show,

554. and then you get someone else to come and host the show.

555. - Yes. - Yeah.

556. - It really works.

557. It's annoying that, for me.

558. We have to pay Richard and James, who's just bugger off at this point,

559. and smoke outside.

560. But, no. James doesn't smoke. His mother doesn't know, obviously.

561. Now, the other one as well is,

562. - you spend a long time with the guest hosts on your show. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

563. - Are they a nightmare? - Steven Seagal was a bit hard.

564. The first thing he said when he came in "Are you two?"

565. I was like, "Ah, enchante, Mr Seagal, you're so witty."

566. You see, that was all bleeped. What you said was fornicating.

567. "Are you two..." That's what you did.

568. - Oh, they've bleeped it. Sorry. - No, it's all right.

569. - We said yes just to mess with his mind. You did?

570. - "Yes, we are. Yes, we are." - Would you like to see?"

571. - Imagine the children.

572. Now, your laps. Obviously this is an unusual thing, as we've got

573. - two people rather than one. - Yeah.

574. So it isn't just a question of "Who do you think you've beaten here?"

575. - Who wants to go first? - Alan.

576. - Alan? - You go first.

577. - No, Alan. - Unfortunately,

578. I don't know why I asked you that,

579. 'cause you'll go in whichever order they are in the machine.

580. - Oh, right. - So we're starting with...

581. I've no idea who it's gonna be.

582. And it is...

583. Who's that? Who is it?

584. Who could it be? - Come on, Bristol Flyer!

585. It's you!

586. More successful this time than you were in the warm-up laps.

587. Let's have a look, coming up to the first corner now.

588. Cutting it... That unstabilises the...

589. That's it!

590. God, that was close!

591. She can't go. Go off again this time.

592. - This is a wild drive. And I'm a wild man.

593. Right, here we are, the Hammerhead, it's the tricky one.

594. We've now got a stopwatch down here as you cross this line there.

595. You were at one minute five seconds.

596. This is quick. I'm impressed by this. Really?

597. And into the second-to-last corner.

598. And coming up now it's Gambon next. There it is.

599. Wide, you've gone wide there, but you've crossed the line!

600. Slow. It was slow.

601. I haven't beaten Gambon. I haven't beaten Gambon, that was slow.

602. You did it...

603. One minute, fifty...

604. - One... - Ah.

605. Point eight.

606. So you go... And give him a round of applause, everyone,

607. because he's done it faster than Helen Mirren.

608. - I beat Helen Mirren? - You beat Helen Mirren.

609. - Well done! - Thank you.

610. You are officially a faster driver than Helen Mirren.

611. That's probably as close to Helen Mirren as I'm ever gonna get.

612. I love Helen Mirren.

613. - Enjoy it, you could be there a while. - Thank you.

614. - Now, shall we have a look at your lap, Alan? - Yeah!

615. Ready everybody? Play the tape.

616. Oh, dear, it's gone wrong already. - It's the handbrake!

617. And we're off! Having said...

618. Oh, no. Stop.

619. Now, this is looking...

620. Slow is the word I'm looking for, I think.

621. I thought that was quite fast. That's tidy.

622. Now, what this is, is tidy.

623. - Ah, Stig's gonna be so proud of me for that one.

624. You were listening to the Stig.

625. You definitely were listening to the Stig, weren't you?

626. Yeah.

627. You see, the slower you go...

628. 'Cause he told me, he said, "Go up to fourth gear for the fast bits."

629. And it was a revelation.

630. There we go, this is fourth gear. Fourth, you see.

631. Fourth. Fourth, still fourth.

632. - That is quick! - Whoo! He told me fourth gear.

633. That was quick, now we've got the second-to-last corner.

634. - I look like Olive from On The Buses. When she's in that sidecar.

635. Here we go, and he's across the line. He's made it.

636. - That was quick. Quicker than yours. Definitely quicker.

637. That's sub 1.50, definitely. That was quick.

638. Ready?

639. - What was yours? 1.51... - Point eight.

640. You were 1.51...

641. - Two.

642. - Oh! You are the quickest!

643. Give him a big hand, everybody!

644. Wow, look at that! You beat Ray Winstone!

645. Oh, my God, yeah! Wow!

646. Oh, thank you. Oh, my God!

647. - Are you feeling humiliated? - Yes, I was beaten by a much better man.

648. I was listening to a bit of Smooth FM, it was chilling me out.

649. - You had a really smooth style, bang on the lines. - Oh, yes.

650. Really smooth looks slow, is faster.

651. "Looks slow, is faster." What a lovely thing.

652. - I'll put that on my gravestone. - Yeah.

653. - "He looks slow, but he drove fast."

654. Listen, guys, it's been an absolute joy having you here.

655. - Ah, thank you. - Ladies and gentlemen, JLC and Alan Carr!

656. Thank you so much.

657. Now, you know those police crash action, stop, kill, emergency programs?

658. They're always full of brilliant stuff like this.

659. Yeah, okay, that's great, then the announcer comes on and he goes,

660. "We got a clip from England-land..."

661. And you die of shame 'cause you know what's coming next.

662. Here we go, yeah, it's a fat Bobby in an Astra,

663. and he's driven on to someone's lawn to get away from a teenager

664. who's throwing pebbles at him.

665. Now the problem is that the British police daren't crash their cars

666. 'cause they haven't got enough money to fix them up again.

667. Yeah, but that gave us an idea,

668. why spend £9,000 on a brand new Astra diesel?

669. Buy used cars, then when you crash them, just get another.

670. Yeah, so the producers gave each of us 1,000 quid, okay, told us to buy something

671. which we thought would work as a police car.

672. Then we were told to go to the Top Gear technology centre

673. where we'd be given a number of challenges.

674. I was the first to arrive.

675. Okay, what I have got here is a Fiat Coupe,

676. paid £900 for it, so the police could buy...

677. Getting on for ten of these for the cost of one Astra.

678. And this is the 20 valve, five cylinder turbo version, so it does 152 miles an hour.

679. And of course, if it were ever to appear on one of those

680. police crash accident programs,

681. it would make our officers look wreakish.

682. Sadly the same couldn't be said of James's car.

683. Masonry opens doors, James. Here, look, let me show you.

684. Morning.

685. To join the police you have to be in the Masons,

686. and therefore you've got a Mason's car,

687. and therefore I'm doing the secret handshake.

688. Morning.

689. - It's a Lexus, James. - It is, yes.

690. - And you paid? - £900.

691. You could have had one of these, I paid £900. Much better.

692. - Okay, the police has a recruitment problem. - Yes.

693. So you've got an advert saying,

694. "Wanted policemen to spend all day driving around in very boring Lexus."

695. Or "Policeman wanted to drive 20-valve turbocharged R-registered Fiat Coupe."

696. - To the garage. - There's nothing wrong with it!

697. Not yet.

698. Our argument was then brought to a shuddering halt.

699. - God, it is!

700. It's like Officer Barbie has arrived!

701. What the...

702. Yeah!

703. Well, they all run around in Range Rovers...

704. It's the police, not a hairdressing salon!

705. You see police in Range Rovers all the time.

706. This is a budget, but I think pretty nifty alternative,

707. it is a 1994...

708. Suzuki Vitara, 1.6 JLX SE.

709. How is this gonna look when you pull up outside someone's house

710. to tell them that their husband's been killed in an industrial accident?

711. Diddly-dee-dee! Diddly-dee-dee! Dee Dee Dee Dee Dee!

712. James and Richard then set about my Don Johnson mobile.

713. So are you gonna climb into the cab of the AA recovery vehicle

714. and say, "Follow that?"

715. You're nicked and have you got a fan belt for an old Fiat?

716. - 'Cause it's back here.

717. But I retaliated by demonstrating a special feature.

718. Can you open the boot? - Yeah, done that.

719. You see? - Yeah.

720. - An armed siege, okay? - Yeah.

721. I am pinned down in the car by Robert De Niro,

722. I need to get at me M16,

723. I just come through here without getting out of the car.

724. It really was time for a challenge.

725. We don't yet know what we've got to do.

726. Well, if he's going to Brighton, pose undercover in gay clubs

727. - 'cause you are right there already.

728. We've got a challenge here, boys.

729. Please don't let it have the word Brighton.

730. "Now that you have your cars you must each use your skill and ingenuity

731. "to turn them into the perfect modern police car for no more than £500.

732. "You must meet up at the track for a series of tests

733. "to find out which one is best."

734. A few days and several pots of paint later,

735. we were ready and I was the first to arrive.

736. Morning all. Here's what I've done. Classic British police livery,

737. classic stripes, the inverted plant pot blue light

738. as you'd expect and a mission statement for the modern age.

739. "Catching crims and locking them up... In your community."

740. Oh, good God, the Caribinieri have arrived!

741. Feast upon my magnificence.

742. Hang on, stand aside. What's that?

743. Boadicea conquered the Roman army using something similar to this,

744. so, I should be able to easily conquer four hoodies in a stolen Datsun.

745. What happens if you just pull up next to the pavement

746. and there is some women and children walking?

747. They'll have their legs cut off.

748. "In jail no one can hear you scream," scary.

749. Boadicea wheel attachments, scary.

750. - You presumably have nothing. - Wrong.

751. - These four nozzles... - Yeah.

752. - Are paint guns. - Yeah.

753. So, you drive in front of the crims, who are trying to get away,

754. these fire a great cloud of pink paint all over the windscreen

755. and they have to stop, 'cause they can't see.

756. All you're gonna do with this, is generate headlines,

757. "Police chop more people's feet off."

758. All you'll do with this is respray the front of people's cars.

759. James then demonstrated his siren...

760. Which he got from an ice-cream van.

761. They're gonna be really impressed with that on an American police video.

762. No, they stop for an ice-cream, and then they're nicked.

763. Mine was much more hi-tech.

764. Oh, wait, no, that's the cow.

765. Things were not going well.

766. And then they got worse.

767. Oh, God in Heaven!

768. The Pet Cop Boys are here. - Yeah!

769. No, wait, "The Police"?

770. Yeah? Well, the police are coming. - The Police...

771. The police are here.

772. You saw me coming didn't you? Straightaway.

773. One of the biggest problems the police face, trying to get somebody out of the way

774. with blues and twos on,

775. I've got a lot of blues and twos, they will see me coming.

776. - Well, I've got to ask, okay. - Yeah.

777. - You noticed that? - Yeah. This is...

778. It's genius. It's a stinger.

779. Okay, you get the word over your radio,

780. that you might need to stop a baddy,

781. rather than pulling out and blocking him with your car which is frankly dangerous,

782. you just stop very quickly and then...

783. It was unmistakably a doormat with some nails in it.

784. So we moved on.

785. The police car has to be fast.

786. "To see how quick your cars are,

787. "the Stig will now drive one timed lap,

788. "in the standard British police issue Vauxhall Astra diesel.

789. "All have you to do is beat his time in your cars.

790. "Bonus points will be awarded for flamboyant driving style,

791. "which will look good on a police kill action programme."

792. Yes!

793. Yes! Flamboyant and fast, only one person can win this.

794. Three, two, one...

795. He's proceeding in a westerly direction.

796. Honestly, giving the British Police, cars like that to save money

797. is the same as the Queen saying,

798. "Well changing the guard, they can all wear Primark."

799. - The British Army, they're wearing beach towels

800. because that saves money.

801. How would the Blues Brothers have looked?

802. - And there he is. - How long?

803. One minute, forty-eight.

804. One forty eight's quicker than most of our celebrities drive around here.

805. - It is. - In the Lacetti.

806. - Is it? - Yes, is it?

807. Then it was our turn.

808. The gentle touch went first.

809. Three, two, one. Go!

810. - Well, that began. - He pulled away! I pulled away!

811. Sadly James's idea of flamboyant driving

812. isn't quite the same as everyone else's.

813. - That'll look excellent.

814. I wonder if it's got traction control?

815. I don't think it is necessary.

816. The tyre squeals from the 1970s.

817. Left.

818. I hope you like prison foods crims.

819. Looking good.

820. Oh, cock.

821. Bit of tyre squeal, maybe there'll be a bit more here.

822. - Better get out of the way.

823. - Ooh!

824. Can I help you, sir?

825. That's not bad.

826. It's two minutes...

827. - Point 03. Two minutes, James! - It is pretty bad!

828. I was next to give it a bash in my Fiat.

829. But before I do, I want to make it look good, so I brought this...

830. You're on your own. - Vaseline.

831. You see, you go for the soft focus.

832. Now, when I set off, swooping J turns soft focus...

833. You're going for extra points for flamboyance, yeah?

834. Oh, damn and blast!

835. Oh, that's good!

836. Well, a lot of points there.

837. - Are we in soft focus as well? - No.

838. Ah. I fear my Boadicea wheel attachments

839. have affected the wheel balance... Somewhat.

840. - It wasn't an option on the original car. - No.

841. Boadicea spikes.

842. You hear people driving around and saying "I've got a Fiat Coupe, and it's great.

843. "But I just wish the rear wheels were a bit heavier

844. "and out of balance."

845. Gotta look good. I think they're gonna cut in for a shot of the driver.

846. I can hear a lot of noise, but not a lot of movement.

847. It's very much like Jeremy, that car.

848. He's overcooked it hideously there.

849. - I'm suggest getting back. - Yeah, I think you're right.

850. I am thinking further with those things on the side.

851. - Further still.

852. And then a flourish to the finish.

853. And flash the lights.

854. What about that!

855. What did I do it in?

856. Um... Two minutes, dead.

857. Two minutes and eight seconds.

858. - What? Slower than yours? - Yes, sir.

859. Yeah... No... Look... Without the J turn...

860. You chose to do the J turn. We didn't make you.

861. You can't go up to a villain as a police officer,

862. "I didn't mean that, you can come back and wait for me."

863. Can you just come back another 100 yards,

864. - while I do my J turn again? - Do you mind?

865. - What? - Accept I won.

866. - No. - You just didn't.

867. And finally, from the streets of San Francisco.

868. Three, two, one, go!

869. Yeah!

870. - He's got a four-wheel drive, doesn't he? - Oh, yeah.

871. I lose drama at the start, but at least it means I can...

872. I am not in four-wheel drive any more.

873. That's painfully slow.

874. How can I do flamboyant driving in this? I need points!

875. He's broken the thing off, look he's broken his tongue.

876. - I deployed my stinger there. - Is he still on the...

877. Hello! That'll help me!

878. Oh, yeah, look at that!

879. That'll look good in slow motion.

880. - You never thought to do that. - I didn't.

881. Past the gratuitous boxes.

882. That was to make it look good.

883. Shall we step back 'cause who knows handling wise,

884. what might happen, now?

885. It's packing up!

886. - There's got to be points off for that. - Yeah, that's not flamboyant.

887. There's an electrical problem.

888. Three minutes, fourteen. Have you seen the front of your car?

889. Yeah, but you see, we get points for flamboyance, remember? We're making...

890. Think of the spectacle I've just given.

891. Right, I'm gonna give you a big push and off.

892. - Go! - Now.

893. Yeah!

894. But is it ambitious but rubbish?

895. For our next challenge,

896. we were told to hot-foot it to the scene of an accident.

897. - "As you can see the road has been blocked with a crash."

898. This is, this here, see? Yeah.

899. "Normally it will take the authorities six hours to get the road open again.

900. "You will now demonstrate that it's possible to be much quicker than that."

901. Well it is, we don't have to wrap them all in tin foil blankets,

902. we don't have to offer them counselling,

903. we don't have to fill in health and safety forms until a week on Tuesday.

904. We can just clear this in no time.

905. Well, this is our chance to prove it.

906. "If you haven't got the job done in two minutes, motorists who have been held up

907. "will be allowed to pelt you with food."

908. Good idea.

909. With the clock ticking, Richard and I decided to take care of the cars,

910. while Jeremy took care of the wounded.

911. We were working well as a team...

912. I'm towing that car.

913. Sort of.

914. I've got a live one here.

915. And as a result, we had most of the wreckage...

916. No.

917. And the bigger body parts cleared in good time.

918. The road is clear.

919. While we'd been busy at the crash scene,

920. the real police had turned up.

921. They wanted to demonstrate the official procedure

922. for stopping a stolen car.

923. The operator will dispatch a police vehicle.

924. Hotel papa nine one, lima three seven five, tango papa tango...

925. A BMW, colour silver, lost stolen report. Received.

926. Throughout this, the pursuing vehicle will give a commentary

927. to all the vehicles that are engaged in this stop.

928. The vehicle is failing to stop. Failing to stop.

929. The vehicles will be given the instructions to move off by the pursuing vehicle.

930. It does seem like quite a faff.

931. It is a palaver, to be honest. It's very involved.

932. You know they have to fulfill 13 separate

933. health and safety criteria before they can do this.

934. Well, he could be abroad by then!

935. Once the criteria is fulfilled they will attempt to stop the vehicle.

936. Nearside, nearside.

937. And under the instruction of the ground commander

938. they will get the vehicle into position,

939. where they can surround it, box it and stop it.

940. You just wind the window down, draw alongside and blow his head off...

941. Or ram him off the road.

942. Keep it rolling, keep it rolling.

943. The point is, the police won't ram him off the road

944. because their police cars are valuable.

945. They're about £30,000 each.

946. Straighten up and stop, stop, stop.

947. Well, this is where our idea comes in.

948. And for once, the challenge was just what we'd hoped for.

949. "You will now demonstrate to the police how your cheap cars

950. "can be used to stop a stolen car without using

951. "the £125,000 worth of Volvo, the RAF,

952. "and 16 health and safety forms.

953. "And just to make your task that little bit harder, the BMW will be driven by...

954. - "Ronnie Stiggs." - Oh!

955. Keen to try out his paint gadget,

956. Inspector Morose went first.

957. There goes a member of the criminal classes.

958. - So we're now watching James in a hot pursuit situation. - Yeah,

959. - Wow. - How long have you got before you have to go home tonight?

960. He's giving it the police shuffle!

961. I am driving in accordance with the police road craft driving manual.

962. - Hang on, James's plan is to deploy his paint. - Yes.

963. Now that relies entirely upon him being in front.

964. - Absolutely. - Of anybody else!

965. Luckily, I had a plan.

966. Right, watch this!

967. I know what he's doing.

968. He's gonna wait for him to come round again, and then pick him up.

969. I can see the miscreant approaching in my rear view mirror.

970. Sitting around waiting for the baddy to come round again...

971. It could work on the M25, perhaps!

972. He's pounced! He's pounced!

973. Is he... Is he deploying? I don't know!

974. - Oh, I say! - It's worked! Right on the windscreen!

975. It works! That is brilliant!

976. I'm amazed!

977. Sadly there was one invention James hadn't considered.

978. Well, he's just put his wipers on!

979. So would Hammond have any success?

980. So, 1.6 litre... Salon.

981. Come on, come on, come on!

982. Give chase!

983. No, look, that's pathetic.

984. I'm a police officer. I shall never give up.

985. Ah! You see!

986. Thanks to four-wheel drive I could intercept the Stig.

987. And deploy my stinger.

988. This is £900, plus a bit of doormat with some nails in it, here we go.

989. Ha-ha!

990. He missed!

991. Oh no, he's driven round it!

992. The stinger needs to be longer.

993. Now all hope of succeeding in this challenge

994. - rested with Commodore Clarksonio.

995. In Jeremy's mind this is a magnificent spectacle.

996. What I like to do is play music, loud! Scares the hell outta them.

997. It's Robert Duvall, mate.

998. I'm going to try something the Americans call "Pitting."

999. I put my car along his rear and

1000. push his back end out, he counter steers, I then brake...

1001. And of course... It shoots the other way.

1002. Unfortunately none of what I'd just said happened.

1003. So, there is nothing for it,

1004. I'm going to deploy my Boadiceas.

1005. I don't think he'll take Stiggs alive!

1006. Now, any second now.

1007. Whoa! That's uncomfortable!

1008. I presume at some point there's going to be a simply hideous accident.

1009. - Yep. - Come on!

1010. Yeah! Take that!

1011. I think it could be time to admit failure.

1012. - See. - That could have been, um...

1013. Something's gone wrong with the handling!

1014. You failed to apprehend the miscreant.

1015. We are rubbish at this.

1016. - We're not very good. - We're not doing as well as we thought we would.

1017. We tried.

1018. Okay.

1019. The scores, right, the scores, so here we go.

1020. First of all, cost, you got a point for every pound you were under 1,000

1021. so, James that's 100 for you, Jeremy 100, 250.

1022. - Was your car 750 quids? - Yes, it was.

1023. - It was!

1024. Then there's speed, you get a point

1025. for every second you were faster than the Stig,

1026. or lose one for every one you were slower.

1027. James it's minus 12 for you, minus 20 Jeremy, minus 72 for me.

1028. - Rightly so, rightly so. Mmm-hmm.

1029. Then flamboyance. How flamboyantly you drove.

1030. I've got the judge's results here.

1031. James, they said you weren't flamboyant, you got nothing. Sorry!

1032. No points at all.

1033. Um, then, Jeremy, neither were you. None. Sorry.

1034. - I did a J turn! - You put Vaseline on the lens, we couldn't see it, you fool.

1035. - That's rubbish. - Then, I got a point for driving through the boxes.

1036. - Your tongue fell off! - A bit, a bit. I made it.

1037. This is ridiculous.

1038. Finally, the decider... Arresting the Stig.

1039. - Okay, James, you got nothing for that. - What?

1040. - Well, you didn't get him. - So, that gives you 88.

1041. I got... Er, nothing.

1042. So that gives me 179.

1043. You've been building up tension here, haven't you?

1044. 'Cause I'm on, what am I on?

1045. - So, if I get 100 for my boadiceas I've won. - Yeah.

1046. - Did I? - No. Funnily enough, no.

1047. You got 98!

1048. Which means you have 178.

1049. - I'm sorry! No, hang on...

1050. Hang on! No, no!

1051. Show me... Show me where it says

1052. I conveniently ended up with one point less than you.

1053. No!

1054. - You've eaten it. - Yes, I have!

1055. Since I am not prepared to go through your stools in the morning

1056. to get the evidence, we have to conclude...

1057. That the best car for the British police,

1058. - is a Suzuki Vitara with a doormat on the front!

1059. Yes it is, yes.

1060. And on that blatant lie, it is time to end.

1061. Thanks very much for watching. We'll see you next week,

1062. or if you're watching this on Dave,

1063. we'll see you in a minute!

1064. Take care, Bye-bye!