Top Gear 10x6

1. Tonight, James races a man in wellies...

2. Richard crashes some motor homes...

3. And I close down Manchester Airport.

4. Thank you very much. Thank you.

5. Hello! Hello and welcome.

6. Now, in a minute, I am going to be reviewing this new Honda Civic Type R,

7. but first, let's remind ourselves what made the old Type R such a hit,

8. particularly among the sort of young men who have spiky product in their hair

9. and communicate by grunting.

10. - Him, really.

11. To be honest, there was plenty to like about this car.

12. Its engine spins so fast, it generates its own little gravity field.

13. 8,000 rpm!

14. I'm surprised it doesn't come with its own moon!

15. There isn't that much actual power,

16. but it makes up for that by being so urgent and so eager.

17. If you liken all cars to dogs, this one is like a pensioner's terrier.

18. - You just open up the door and it's...

19. Out over your shoulder!

20. - It handled nicely, too.

21. It feels light, and it feels agile.

22. - If you turn into a corner with no power on...

23. The back slides round, it's like an old-fashioned Peugeot... Brilliant!

24. Of course, it's like a tripod...

25. Always one back wheel off the ground.

26. Yes, I am a little terrier. I'm cocking my leg now!

27. But it was the practical stuff that made this car such a hit.

28. It was cheaper to buy than almost all its rivals

29. and cheaper to insure.

30. And because the boot is so big, there's plenty of space

31. for a decent pair of speakers, the most...

32. Important accessory...

33. For the young men who made this car...

34. So popular.

35. ten pints of Stella and a dollop of Chlamydia.

36. You would imagine, then, that the new Type R would be even better.

37. It's based on the new Civic, so it comes with

38. funky triangular exhaust tailpipes,

39. a dashboard from the Romulans and door handles from a 1950s fridge.

40. It's very striking, but like the old model, it's not that expensive.

41. This GT version, with SATNAV and various other luxuries, is £18,200.

42. Equip a Golf GTI to the same level,

43. and it would be a whopping £5,000 more.

44. Unfortunately, however, from there on in,

45. things start to go a bit wrong.

46. This car is bigger and heavier than the old model,

47. so do you want to guess how many more horse powers it's got?

48. Thirty? Forty?

49. No.

50. One!

51. One more.

52. Honda say that, despite this, this is just as fast as the old car.

53. They say it will do 0 to 60 in 6.5 seconds

54. and flat-out you'll be doing 146.

55. But, from where I'm sitting, it just doesn't feel that quick.

56. The revs just take longer.

57. It feels like a big car with a small engine.

58. Then there's the handling.

59. The old car was a joy in the bends

60. because it had fully independent rear suspension.

61. Unfortunately, independent rear suspension is jolly expensive,

62. so in this, it's been replaced with a simple torsion bar.

63. That makes the car cheaper to make...

64. And worse.

65. I'm not saying it's going to fall over or hit a tree but,

66. all the poise and controllability that you used to get in the old car

67. is just sort of... Gone.

68. And all you get instead is... Oh, I don't know, about 15 miles of...

69. Look at this! Hideous understeer!

70. Still, let's see how this new car gets on in a race...

71. Against its dad.

72. He's getting away!

73. I'm going to have to tuck in behind him here!

74. Nothing I can do.

75. Whoo! He's cocked his leg.

76. His back wheel's off the ground.

77. Look at that. Look at that now! Look at him!

78. He's just roaring away.

79. He's not only faster, but he's having more fun

80. because it's just so much nicer to drive.

81. The whole point of a new car is it's supposed to be

82. better than the one that went before, and this plainly isn't. Look!

83. Come on. Come on. Come on. Turn in!

84. Really off the track there.

85. That's just the understeer killing the fun, killing the power,

86. killing everything!

87. So, it's slower than its dad, and then there's the spoiler,

88. which goes right across the middle of the rear window.

89. I mean, who would have thought that was a good idea?

90. And while we're on the subject of not very good ideas...

91. - Can you hear that?

92. That beep is to tell me the ignition key's still in.

93. Why? I know the ignition key is in because I've just driven here!

94. Then there's the seat.

95. Instead of having a wheel here so you can infinitely adjust the backrest,

96. you get a ratchet, so you either sit bolt upright,

97. like you're at work, or you pull it and you recline,

98. like it's a chaise longue and you're a Victorian prostitute.

99. And how's this for a brainwave?

100. You pull up, want to get something out of the back seat,

101. so you pull that lever, pull the seat forward,

102. get whatever it is you wanted, pop it back,

103. and it assumes that in the brief moment you're out of the car,

104. you've become Richard Hammond.

105. Why doesn't it go back to where you left it?

106. I mean, what were they thinking of?

107. The worst part of this car, though, is the ride comfort.

108. It's all right here on our smooth track,

109. but on normal roads, it is intolerable.

110. And it's not just me being a fat old man, I promise.

111. Even if you're a teenager, even if...

112. You're used to sleeping on the floor at parties

113. and being stabbed, this is completely unacceptable.

114. You need a skeleton made of granite!

115. I like hot hatchbacks.

116. I always have done. But this one?

117. It's absolutely hopeless.

118. Out!

119. Hey, you can't just hide in there.

120. Get out... What?

121. That man...

122. That man over there told me while we were watching that film

123. that he's just bought one of these...

124. Oh, that is awkward.

125. Sorry, how do you feel now?

126. I took them both out, and I think that one is a much nicer car.

127. - What, the new one? - The new one.

128. - Yeah. - The styling's a lot better...

129. And also a higher rpm.

130. That sounds much nicer. This one sounds like you're just thrashing it.

131. What if you're completely wrong?

132. Which, because it's a different opinion to mine, you are.

133. The thing is, what we're talking about here is like a bad sequel, isn't it?

134. - Cause, this is Die Hard 1... - Yeah.

135. And then, that's Die Hard 2.

136. That is exactly right. What I was hoping for was Godfather II...

137. - And what it is, is Police Academy 7. - Yes.

138. That's Emmanuelle in Bangkok which...

139. Wasn't as good...

140. Really? I wouldn't know about that.

141. All I do know is this is 18,000 quid, thereabouts.

142. You can buy a good tidy one of the old ones for about 10,

143. - and that's what I'd do. - And it's a Honda, so it will be reliable as the universe.

144. - It will go on forever. - Absolutely.

145. We must now find out how fast it goes...

146. Or, this one rather goes round our track.

147. And that of course means handing it over to our tame racing driver.

148. Some say that he thought Star Warswas a documentary.

149. And that he recently pulled out of I'm A Celebrity

150. because he's frightened of trees...

151. - And Australia.

152. - And Koo Stark.

153. - And Ant.

154. - And Dec.

155. All we know is he's called the Stig!

156. And away he goes!

157. Not a particularly fast start but frankly this really isn't a fast car.

158. - Talk amongst yourselves now.

159. There he is, finally, at the first corner.

160. Lots of tyre squeal as he goes through.

161. The understeer seems to be just about under control so far.

162. Ask the prospect if he can envision himself in the future

163. with this product, service or opportunity.

164. Oh, dear, for some terrifying reason,

165. Stig's learning how to be a killer salesman.

166. He drags it round Chicago in a lumpen and joyless way.

167. And into the Hammerhead. Turns in.

168. Look, there's the understeer, and lots of it.

169. If Stig could experience human emotions,

170. he'd be feeling mild disappointment now.

171. Also, remember that every dog has its day.

172. Success will prevail. You're in "The zone."

173. Yes, he is. He's in the V-tech zone.

174. Let's see if it can give him some speed through the Follow Through.

175. And there we go, not bad.

176. Difficult second... Moving now...

177. Coming into the difficult second-to-last corner.

178. That's okay. Up to Gambon.

179. Turns in, keeps it straight and tight, and across the line.

180. - Yeah! Got the time here.

181. You're gonna be pleased by this.

182. You're gonna be pleased...

183. Because he did it in 1 minute, 16 point...

184. - No, I'm lying.

185. He actually did it in 1.33.5.

186. So it's a little bit faster than the Golf GTI, but a lot worse.

187. - Styling's better. - Shut up!

188. And now the news... And I'm afraid it's very bad.

189. Jeremy Clarkson has a cold.

190. I have not got a cold.

191. - I've got bird flu.

192. I have. I'm living, breathing proof,

193. soon to not be living or breathing, that it can jump species.

194. Wow, that means it's only one species away from humans, so we could all get it.

195. And, on with the news,

196. the government has a new solution for cutting congestion,

197. which is to ban us all from driving... Which would work.

198. Good, because I can't drive. I've got bird flu.

199. But they're going to introduce...

200. For speeding, you get six points,

201. which means two strikes and you're out.

202. On the plus side, they are talking about introducing that scheme

203. where you get two points if you're only just over the limit.

204. No, no, no, they're scrapping that.

205. Honestly, I read this week they're thinking of scrapping that,

206. 'cause it goes against their policy of "All speed of any sort kills."

207. Which actually isn't true. I read a survey this week.

208. I've got it here, I brought it out with me.

209. On country roads, like rural, normal roads out of a city,

210. guess how many injury and, you know, death accidents are put down to speed?

211. I don't know. Rural, probably 50%.

212. - No! 60%. - Yokels...

213. - 80%. - 65?

214. - Four. - 40%?

215. 4%.

216. - 4%? - 4%?

217. 96% of accidents on rural roads have got nothing to do with speed.

218. - What is it, then? - What causes the other 96% of accidents?

219. Because it's dark and it smells funny in the countryside.

220. Does anyone have any ideas why... What causes? What?

221. - Tractors. - Tractors?

222. Horses? I think the man with horses is onto something.

223. I genuinely believe it's animals.

224. People swerving, or... They've got their kids in the back and...

225. Swerve on the wrong side of the road

226. just to miss some fox, which is just a rat.

227. No, it isn't.

228. - It is! - No, a rat is quite small and has a bald long tail,

229. and a fox is quite big and fluffy and has a big, bushy tail.

230. - And a name... Basil.

231. You're not a countryman, are you?

232. Not all of them are called Basil.

233. No, no, it's like badgers. Have you seen? I bet you tune in. I do, every...

234. - Kate Humble's Badgerwatch. - Every week, I'm there!

235. It's not what you think at all!

236. - Every week... - I tuned in...

237. She was talking about some stupid little animal

238. that basically is a chemical weapons factory

239. spreading tuberculosis around the countryside.

240. People get it into their heads like you

241. that foxes are cute and badgers are cute, and they're not.

242. I honestly believe, genuinely, that the country...

243. 'Cause we've established only 4% of accidents are caused by speed.

244. And I bet most of those are bikers.

245. So, actually, driving in the countryside is completely safe

246. and it would be better if you could get rid of all the animals.

247. Actually, you've got that the wrong way round.

248. - You know Richmond Park outside London... - Yeah.

249. Everybody drives through there at...

250. At 15 or 20 miles an hour because they're scared of running over Bambi.

251. - 'Cause it's full of deer. - Yeah.

252. Then, as soon as they get to the city, where they'll only run over people,

253. they all speed up and drive like lunatics.

254. So what are you suggesting?

255. Put the deer in the town.

256. Yeah, but actually...

257. If you emptied the countryside of all the animals and put them in...

258. - Actually. - James, you've finally hit,

259. for the first time in your life...

260. When I come to power, I'm gonna make you my Minister of Transport,

261. I've decided and you can implement that.

262. - Oh, there's a rosy future for us all! Is there?

263. - Now, I'd like to talk about a car. - Ooh, crikey!

264. - On Top Gear? - Yes.

265. - No! - Yes, seriously, look at this, this is the

266. Mercedes McLaren SLR roadster

267. which is now officially the fastest convertible in the world.

268. That'll do 206 miles per hour...

269. With the roof down, but...

270. If a bluebottle flies over the top of the wind screen at that speed

271. and hits you in the middle of your forehead...

272. It'll go straight through...

273. Its own arse.

274. I thought you'd say it'll go through your head.

275. I was expecting that.

276. No, your head'll be fine.

277. Anyway, you know those Citroens that have a vibrating seat?

278. The idea is that if you nod off and stray out of lane on the motorway,

279. the seat base vibrates and wakes you up and, ooh, you can get back in line.

280. I was talking to a girl the other day who'd got one.

281. She said she'd gone all the way from London to Birmingham

282. deliberately on the hard shoulder because it was so nice!

283. The only problem with that is, is that in order to have this frankly excellent facility,

284. - you have to buy a Citroen... - Which is terrible.

285. Which is terrible. But now...

286. - I've come across this. - What is it?

287. Well, it's a seat base that you put on your car seat like that...

288. And then you turn it on.

289. The middle bit vibrates. You sit on it and it vibrates.

290. What? You don't have to go over the lines or anything?

291. No, you don't have to have a Citroen anything, you just have this.

292. The only thing is, it's quite annoying.

293. I think it's probably not meant for you.

294. - Is it meant for you? - No, I think you have to be a girl.

295. - Oh, yeah. - They're like chaps but they've got...

296. Want to come and try this out?

297. - She's blushing. - I'm not.

298. Come on, try it out. Try out my captain's chair

299. and tell me if that's good and you'd like that in your car.

300. - Are you ready? - Okay.

301. - Oh, that's good!

302. How can this be legal?

303. Honestly, you can't drive while eating an apple or using a mobile phone.

304. But you can drive when you're all cross-eyed and sweaty!

305. That's £59.99.

306. So it's more expensive than a Citroen!

307. But it's worth it. It is.

308. Do you like the Dodge Viper?

309. - Yeah. - You do?

310. Well, there's a new version out here it is...

311. It's called the ACR and what they've done is they've squeezed more power

312. out of the engine, the 8.4 litre V-10. 600 brake horse power.

313. - And you can buy what they're calling the hard-core pack. - Really.

314. What they'll do is they'll strip out all the interior, carpets, radio...

315. - That saves 40 pounds... Which in America is lunch, isn't it?

316. - Anyway, can I make an important point? - Yes.

317. You know petrol went past a pound a litre this week,

318. and everybody's running around saying,

319. "Ooh, it's all far too expensive and we've all got to commit suicide?"

320. But it isn't expensive at all. It's cheap.

321. It is, actually, because some mineral water I saw was £4.99 a litre.

322. Exactly. It's a good job your car doesn't run on bull semen.

323. - Well, It is, yes, but why? - Because do you know how much bull semen is?

324. - Do you know I can't remember off the top of my head!

325. - £24,000 a litre. - No way!

326. This is my point. Seriously,

327. I mean, petrol, they've got to build an oil rig,

328. float it out to sea, dig a hole with nothing in it,

329. dig another, then another,

330. then you get oil, put it on a ship, float it halfway round the world

331. to another country, put it in a refinery, which is the size of a small county,

332. turn it into petrol, ship it to a garage, put it in a flame-proof tank,

333. and sell it to the customer...

334. And they're doing that for £1 a litre! I find that incredible.

335. Actually, no.

336. No, because the government takes 65 pence,

337. so, they're actually doing that for 35 pence a litre.

338. - Exactly. - And if you buy 10 litres, you get a torch.

339. - Well there you go.

340. Who knew? That said,

341. I filled my car up with petrol a couple of months ago,

342. - do you know how much that cost? - Well no.

343. - 90 quid. - 85.

344. No, £35,000.

345. You filled it up with bull sperm, you idiot!

346. No, somebody nicked my...

347. The garage did that credit card thing where they sell it to somebody.

348. Somebody's been running around in California spending my money on stuff.

349. - I reckon you spent it on bull sperm.

350. Did you not notice the pump was different?

351. "Moo!" It keeps moving!

352. "Now it's chasing me!

353. "I don't want it any more."

354. I've got bird flu, be nice!

355. Now, Alfa Romeo has launched a replacement for its 156,

356. which is called the 159...

357. Actually, James, that was launched two years ago.

358. Yes, it was, but we weren't paying attention.

359. Never mind, because we like Alfas on Top Gear.

360. So I thought that, belatedly I admit, I should go and find out what's what.

361. So, better late than never, here it is.

362. But before we get stuck in, we have to take care of some house-keeping.

363. I have here the Top Gear Italian car road test cliche swear box,

364. and every time I use a word like "soul" or "passion"

365. or any bit of fake Italiano to describe this car,

366. I've got to put £1 in it.

367. Let me explain the problem.

368. For years, people who do my job, people who test cars,

369. have only ever been able to say exactly the same thing about Alfa Romeos,

370. and it is... "Yes, the build quality is a bit ropey in places

371. "and the electrics will probably prove to be a bit iffy."

372. But we prefer them to BMWs,

373. because an Alfa's beautiful looks and gorgeous engine note...

374. Fill it with soul and passion.

375. Oh, God!

376. Anyway, you see the problem.

377. This is what Alfa Romeo is about.

378. To be honest, I could take the road test of the 156,

379. which we did nine years ago, and just change the 6 to a 9.

380. Still, you never know, maybe this time things will be different.

381. Let's start with the looks.

382. That front end.

383. Those lights. That sweeping bonnet line and the striking grille.

384. It's the same story round the back.

385. Inside there are lots of silvery bits and lovely dials.

386. In fact there are two words that perfectly encapsulate the stylistic beauty of this car.

387. So business as usual when it comes to appearances,

388. but that could be the last time I put my hand in my pocket.

389. You see, Alfa Romeo has now put einGerman in charge of the company.

390. And he's a man who used to be responsible for things like BMW M series cars

391. and more recently, the Rolls-Royce Phantom.

392. Stuff that doesn't fall apart.

393. Apparently he's passionate about build quality and he's promising

394. that the electrics will no longer be installed by a toddler group.

395. And he better be right, frankly, because this thing is now stuffed

396. with electrical gizmos.

397. It's got an electronic key, it's got automatic climate control,

398. it's got an MP3-compatible stereo, it's got parking sensors,

399. you can have SATNAV and you can have an integrated mobile phone.

400. All this on a car which, at £22,500,

401. is two grand less than the equivalent 3 Series.

402. Now, we won't know if this quality regime works

403. until you tell us what the 159 is like to live with,

404. but for now there's a more pressing issue.

405. The danger is that under this new regime, the alternator will work,

406. the headlights will come on when you turn the switch,

407. but the 159 will have lost its essential Alfa... You know what.

408. And it won't drive with all the Alfa traditional...

409. Diddley and do-da.

410. To find out, we need to take it for a good drive.

411. And for that, we've come to the River Humber.

412. It's an amazing feat of nature,

413. which every day drains one fifth of England.

414. My job today is to get from one side to the other

415. and, to keep the Alfa on its toes,

416. I'll be racing against a man.

417. Yes, it's another of our real-life situation tests.

418. This is Graham Boanas.

419. He's rather tall and on this occasion that's a good thing.

420. You see, the easiest and quickest way across the mile-wide river

421. is the magnificent Humber Bridge.

422. But in our race, neither of us is allowed to use it.

423. So I'm going to drive round the estuary the long way, starting here,

424. go up here, bit of motorway and then

425. this series of spaghetti-like B roads

426. where I'll find out if the Alfa still has the...

427. Soul and the passion.

428. And Graham? He's going to do something rather amazing.

429. He's going to walk across.

430. Is there a risk that you'll just get stuck?

431. There is, yeah. There's a risk that when I'm in the thick mud that's across there,

432. exhaustion could get the better of me and I'll you know? Just pass out.

433. You haven't got a breathing tube or small aqualung,

434. or anything like that?

435. You can only breathe as long as your head is above the water.

436. - And it will only just be above the water. - Yeah.

437. - You either have to make it or you drown? - Correct.

438. What else can I say, but three, two, one... Go!

439. Right, I'm not gonna be beaten by a man in a giant condom walking across a muddy river.

440. Graham's journey of 1.8 miles should take him about an hour and a half.

441. And my journey of 65 miles should take me about the same.

442. I'll just tell you quickly about the new engine in this car

443. while I'm in the village. It's a 2.2 litre petrol four cylinder.

444. It's very modern. It's got words like "Variable" written on top of it.

445. There's a lovely bit in this engine

446. as you get into the higher reaches of the rev range.

447. It really comes alive.

448. That's a quid in the box, whatever that is.

449. As thousands of tonnes of tidal water tore away at Graham's muscles,

450. I left the B roads for a quick motorway blast.

451. Here we go!

452. Get into fifth.

453. The great thing about an Alfa is somehow the Italians do know

454. how to make a car feel elemental.

455. But I suppose that's not surprising for a nation that gave us Verdi.

456. It was time to leave the motorway.

457. Ahead lay 35 more miles of B road.

458. Now it gets interesting.

459. Graham was past the halfway point

460. and despite his immense strength,

461. he was struggling against the incoming 12 mile-per-hour tide.

462. I was also struggling... To keep hold of my money.

463. I'm just stringing this series of sweeping bends together like

464. someone who's really skilled at using a fork to roll up their spaghetti...

465. Nice, tight right-hander coming up here.

466. It's got a little kick and a shimmy from the front.

467. It's all frisky like one of those Palio ponies.

468. This is getting expensive.

469. The Alfa's handling had cost me dear

470. 4 quid, in fact.

471. But now we were in the final stages of the race.

472. Come on!

473. This is it. This is the home stretch bit.

474. Come on.

475. I'm looking for the waterside beacon.

476. There it is! That's the beacon.

477. Oh, for Pete's sake!

478. I'd lost and I was broke.

479. - Congratulations, anyway. - Thank you.

480. Do you mind if I don't?

481. Now... Not so long ago,

482. we in Britain bought more estate cars than any other nation on Earth,

483. but then all of a sudden, everybody decided that what they really wanted,

484. was a big 4x4 of some sort.

485. The problem is, though, that these days,

486. if you drive a big 4x4 into a city,

487. communists and ecologicals throw eggs at you and make rude gestures.

488. Obviously, one solution is to buy a 1963 Opel Kadett, preferably yellow.

489. - I call mine... - No, Richard, that's not a solution,

490. but I think I've got one.

491. What's the matter with going back to the estate car?

492. For the same sort of money as a Porsche Cayenne or a Range Rover,

493. you could have either of these.

494. There's the BMW M5 Touring...

495. Or the AMG Mercedes E Class.

496. Both will take five people in comfort,

497. in the same way that a Range Rover will take five people in comfort.

498. And it's not like you're wanting for space in the boot either.

499. In here, with the back seats folded down,

500. I have been able to fit a massive 60 cubic feet of cheese.

501. So if you're in the cheese-making industry, this is a very

502. practical and impressive car.

503. Now, because the Mercedes is lower, obviously you get less space in the back,

504. but you'd be surprised how close it is.

505. I've actually got 57 cubic feet of cheese in there.

506. And if you convert cheese into dogs, that's 4.3 Great Danes.

507. And what's more, if I push this button here,

508. the whole floor slides out. So, if this cheddar were a dog,

509. it would be able to get in and out more easily.

510. Sadly the BMW isn't quite as commodious and the rear seats

511. don't fold down flat, but it's still not what you'd call pokey in there.

512. So, if it's space you're worried about,

513. these cars are very nearly as good as the four-wheel drive alternatives.

514. They're also just as children proof.

515. I mean, yes, obviously there's a lot of leather and carpet back there,

516. into which kids can rub jam and chocolate,

517. but then, the back of a Porsche Cayenne

518. isn't exactly a Fisher-Price ball pit, is it?

519. So, what about the environment?

520. Well, this is the Ape and Apple Pub.

521. It's where the Manchester branch of Greenpeace meets

522. to discuss polar bears and algae, over a lovely pint of wheat grass.

523. Now, the fact of the matter is, those cars produce about the same

524. amount of greenhouse gases as a Porsche Cayenne Turbo,

525. but, because eco-hippies are so hung up on off-road cars,

526. nobody's really paying them any attention at all.

527. In a whole hour, not one person pulled off their windscreen wipers

528. or let down their tyres.

529. And there's more good news.

530. These cars are more comfortable than any 4x4.

531. Yes, sure, the BMW crashes about a bit, but the ride in the Merc is sublime.

532. And so is its on board entertainment, navigation command system thing.

533. The BMW's is far too complicated

534. but even I can get this one to work without hitting it with a hammer.

535. Your route is being calculated. - There you go.

536. - Easy-peasy. Please turn right.

537. Now turn right.

538. And to shut her up, we just push that and she's silenced.

539. Please turn right in 100 yards...

540. Of course where both cars fall down is out here.

541. Neither can pull a horse box up a slippery field for instance.

542. I know this because neither can even pull themselves up a slippery field.

543. So, if you...

544. If you get stuck in a field, these cars are not ideal.

545. But what if you were to get stuck, say, on the tarmac

546. at Manchester Airport, when it was deserted because of a fire drill?

547. Why does anybody buy a Range Rover Sport?

548. You want sport, get an M5, turn the traction control off...

549. And mash your foot

550. into the Axminster.

551. Like the normal M5, it's got 500-brake horsepower V-10 engine.

552. It's got a seven-speed flappy paddle gearbox with shift ferocity control.

553. It's got an electronic differential.

554. It is one of the most exciting cars made today.

555. Only now, because this is an estate, your dog can come too!

556. Okay, that's 100 miles an hour. Just watch these numbers come.

557. Remember, it's limited to 155.

558. That's 140. Here we go, there's 150...

559. 160...

560. I'm looking through a head-up display.

561. We're moving to now, 175 miles an hour!

562. We're on a runway!

563. You really do think, "I'm gonna take off!"

564. The bigger, softer, more practical Mercedes

565. doesn't look like it could hold a candle to the BMW, but don't be fooled.

566. Because its 6.2 litre V-8 pumps out an astonishing

567. 507 brake horsepower.

568. This thing is more powerful than a Ferrari F40.

569. It's more powerful than Mexico!

570. The extraordinary thing about the Merc

571. is it doesn't have an electronic diff, it doesn't have variable anything.

572. You just put it in D and go.

573. And then go some more... And more!

574. So, which is quicker?

575. Tell you what, let's find out.

576. I think that the BMW brakes better than this.

577. I think it handles better than this, I think it's quicker through the corners...

578. But, as soon as you get this thing on a straight...

579. The BMW doesn't stand a chance.

580. These cars, then... They're both brilliant.

581. Sure, they can't off-road like a big 4x4, but they're so much more fun

582. where you spend most of your time... On the runway...

583. At Manchester Airport.

584. Thank you.

585. - Come on, then. - What?

586. - Which is best? - Which is best?

587. Uh, well, the BMW is more fun to drive and a teeny-weeny bit cheaper,

588. and I think slightly better-looking.

589. But the Merc is bigger, more comfortable, more practical, faster,

590. easier to use and it sounds like amplified thunder.

591. - So you'd have the Merc? - No.

592. - Why not? - Because I'd have a Range Rover.

593. - What? Why?

594. Because, when you drive a Range Rover, you get this warm,

595. moist feeling inside that you're annoying Bill Oddie.

596. Now, here on Top Gear we're always on the lookout for new forms of motor sport.

597. And this week, we think we've come up with a good one.

598. Traditionally, amateur racers go off for a weekend of motorsport

599. with a motor home to sleep in and a car on the trailer behind.

600. But I've thought of a cunning way to streamline this whole business.

601. Just leave the car and trailer behind and race the motor home.

602. I think this plan has a stench of genius about it.

603. You've still got something to get there in, something to sleep in,

604. still got something to race and you've still got something to go home in.

605. To test this theory, I've come here to Essex Raceway in... Essex.

606. Home to banger racing, stock-car racing and, from next year,

607. the British round of the Formula One World Championship.

608. This is my motor home, a Ford Midas. Nice.

609. Now, let's meet my fellow competitors and their mobile

610. motor sport racing living quarters.

611. In the Mitsubishi L300, we've got touring car star Matt Neal.

612. In the Toyota LiteAce, we've got touring car star Anthony Reid.

613. In the Chevrolet, we've got touring car star Tom Chilton.

614. In the left hand drive Fiat Ducato NV70 Globetrotter,

615. we've got touring car star, Mat Jackson.

616. And in the Transit, we've got desperate.

617. So, we have all sizes and shapes of luxury motor home here,

618. and all manner of engines and power outputs, and that's good,

619. because it leads to the one thing you want most of all in motor sport...

620. Unpredictability.

621. And the unpredictability doesn't end there, because

622. motor home racing brings with it a whole new set of tactical decisions.

623. You see, the governing body of motor home racing states in the official 2007 rulebook

624. that you must prepare your motor home for racing the night before the race.

625. Once the sun goes down, you may not make any further changes.

626. Which leaves you with a dilemma,

627. do you strip it out and endure a terrible night's sleep,

628. that means you're not on form for the race,

629. or do you leave the luxuries in place,

630. and then face having to compete with all the extra weight on board?

631. I went for the "Strip it all out, have a bad night" option.

632. And, actually, so did all the other drivers, well, nearly all.

633. Gravy juice, pan, warm.

634. Peas, carrots, add.

635. Finally, everything was ready...

636. That's a pie!

637. For next day's big race.

638. Night descended over Essex.

639. Morning broke over Essex.

640. It was time to celebrate the birth of a new motorsport.

641. Great day for a race, this... Friday the 13th!

642. As one of the sport's co-founders, I was in car number one,

643. and James was in car number six.

644. Turn it in, feel it through the apex.

645. There's quite a lot of understeer occurring. Whoo-hoo!

646. Now, the point of this sport is that you should be able to

647. drive your motor home home again.

648. So the rules are simple, 15 laps and no body contact.

649. Mind you, we had invited touring car drivers!

650. Right, we're going in three abreast.

651. This is gonna be a late-breaking competition.

652. Oh, no! Oh!

653. I've just seen the door of the kitchen unit on the track,

654. and that doesn't happen at Silverstone.

655. James's tactic of a good night's sleep wasn't working out.

656. He was at the back of the field, but he had a plan.

657. - Right, the trick, I think...

658. Is to take a slow but inside line,

659. so that, as they get carried away, I can sneak through on the left-hand edge.

660. The little red Toyota had no bulk and no power, but he was plucky,

661. and we respected that... For a bit.

662. But, with some aerodynamic tweaks,

663. the Toyota found some speed.

664. No! The Toyota's gone through!

665. Lap eight and, amazingly, James had managed to get lost on an oval!

666. On lap 10, I lost a bit of structural rigidity.

667. Oh, nuts!

668. May have been a slight touch, there.

669. Most of this'll clean up.

670. Most of that'll clean out.

671. I'm having a burst of power, and it's not...

672. It's not coming from my own motor.

673. With just three laps to go, the red mist descended.

674. Luckily, my structure was still holding.

675. No, it wasn't!

676. Oh, Hammond's gone!

677. - Lightness is everything! - Whoa!

678. That shelving unit was my downfall.

679. Bloody pikeys!

680. Oh, I'm being sidelined!

681. On the chequered flag, the little red Toyota was first,

682. and I came home third.

683. Well, I think the "No contact" rule needs a bit of a tweak,

684. but we are onto something here.

685. Like I said, you turn up in one vehicle, you sleep in it, you race in it

686. and then, er, you drive it home, it's brilliant.

687. Well done. I like your thinking,

688. - I like your thinking. - So... Were you impressed?

689. Well, not really, because if I'd have been invited to take part

690. in your new sport, I would have bought one of these.

691. It's made in Germany, and it's called The Performance.

692. - Is it fast? - No, it has a 12,000 cc engine with a turbocharger.

693. But it's quite heavy.

694. - Why, what's in it? - Well, let me show you.

695. Step this way, um, do you need a ladder?

696. - No, I'll be fine. - Okay, um...

697. These stairs, for example, are granite. You can see the glitter.

698. It's all sparkly, I want that in my house!

699. There's a lot more you'll want in your house in here.

700. - The table's granite. - I want that.

701. This work surface here, okay...

702. - Are you looking at it? - It's sparkly, I want it in my house.

703. - Check this out. - Whoa!

704. - What's that? - That's the plasma television.

705. I want that in my home!

706. Come and look at the bathroom, okay?

707. There's a power shower, I mean, it massages you, okay?

708. And then, look at the floor.

709. Oh, look at that! Look at the under floor lighting.

710. Then look at these taps, okay?

711. You just touch that,

712. and it comes on.

713. And that's blue to say it's cold.

714. Push that, it goes red when it's hot!

715. Then in there is your bedroom.

716. Wow!

717. You see, I don't think that's gonna work,

718. because as I proved, if you don't strip all that stuff out,

719. it'll be too heavy and you'll come last.

720. No, James, you see, you're wrong, 'cause you haven't seen this

721. thing's piece de resistance yet.

722. What you have to do is come down here, like this...

723. Open this up, and there you are.

724. Wow! - What I'm gonna do now is just lower that down.

725. - Check it out.

726. - Ah! That is brilliant! Yeah.

727. - Yeah!

728. That is... That is amazing.

729. So, when this gets all smashed up in the race,

730. you can drive home in your posh car.

731. Exactly. That's what you need, you see, Richard,

732. to win a motor home race, is ingenuity.

733. How much is it?

734. - Uh... And cash. - How much?

735. Uh, well, excluding the car, this would cost you...

736. Um... £750,000.

737. - That's a lot. - It is, you could almost buy a house for that.

738. And on that bombshell, it's time to end.

739. Thank you very much for watching. See you next week. Goodnight!