Top Gear 10x5

1. Tonight, The Stig tests a tube train.

2. Richard tests a pair of shorts.

3. And I try my hand at running.

4. Thank you, thank you.

5. Hello. Hello and welcome.

6. Welcome. Welcome to an award-winning Top Gear. Yeah.

7. We've got a gong for Best Factual Programme,

8. which is astonishing when you think we haven't actually put a fact in the show

9. for the last five years.

10. No matter, we're kicking off tonight with Richard Hammond, not in shorts,

11. he is, in fact, in an Aston Martin.

12. This is it. The new V8 Vantage Roadster.

13. And it's pig-ugly.

14. Actually, though, it's not, is it? It's unbelievably gorgeous.

15. Not only is it a looker,

16. it's also got the same 4.3 litre, 380 horsepower V8

17. as you get in the Vantage Coupe,

18. which means it makes the same noise.

19. Oh!

20. That alone is worth 90,000 of the 91-grand asking price.

21. But let's not get carried away.

22. Because when Aston hack the top off a car,

23. they're perfectly capable of turning a good sports car

24. into a soggy blancmange.

25. The DB9 for instance is fabulous to drive as a hard-top,

26. but much less than fabulous as a roadster.

27. The question is, have they made the same mistake here?

28. Not exactly.

29. Usually when they make a cabrio version

30. they have to soften it up because it can't handle all that sporty treatment.

31. But the chassis on this roadster is so stiff

32. that they can actually give it further suspension.

33. Result, it actually likes going round corners.

34. Yes!

35. So, a roadster that drives like a hard-top.

36. And though it pains me to say it,

37. this thing makes a 911 look like a bit of a minger.

38. There are, however, a few reminders

39. that although Aston is now privately owned,

40. this car came from the Ford era.

41. And that it was indeed conceived by Ford's crack team...

42. Of accountants.

43. The key fob might have a nice, classy leather back,

44. but actually, it's taken straight from a 20-grand Volvo.

45. And this screen here for all the computer functions

46. looks like it came off an Amstrad. In 1985.

47. And why, when they got someone to record the voice commands,

48. did they choose the warder from a women's prison?

49. 100 yards ahead. Turn right.

50. Turn right!

51. But I'm nit-picking, because really, this is a great car.

52. Top speed is 175 miles an hour.

53. 0 - 60 takes 4.9 seconds.

54. Now often at this point, we like to demonstrate the car's straight line performance,

55. by having a drag race.

56. Today is no exception.

57. Now we thought, rather than a drag race against another car.

58. We'll have one, against a man.

59. He's called Dirk Auer,

60. and he's from Germany.

61. Now, if he's going to race me,

62. I'd be stupid to let him hang on to my coat-tails.

63. And Dirk agrees.

64. Which is why he's got three jet engines,

65. together making 300 horsepower,

66. that he's going to strap to his back.

67. Kitted out with an aerodynamic helmet and special inline skates,

68. this human cruise missile claims he can hit 120 miles an hour.

69. Time to find out if that's just hot air.

70. Aston Martin say, this car will do a quarter mile in just over 13 seconds.

71. He didn't even flinch when I told him that. So...

72. Let's see what happens when Britain and Germany, in quite an odd way,

73. I must admit, go to battle once again.

74. If you'd told me that you had a dream in which you drag race an Aston Martin

75. against a man on jet-powered roller skates,

76. people would tell you to lay off the strong cheese at night.

77. We're away!

78. I can't believe how quickly that thing gets off the line!

79. 80...

80. 90...

81. 100!

82. We're level pegging! He's on roller skates!

83. Come on!

84. Yeah!

85. I won!

86. I beat a man on roller skates

87. in an Aston Martin!

88. Yes!

89. Right. It's now time to move on and for me to drive a car.

90. It's called the Caparo T1 and it's possibly the most amazing,

91. maybe the fastest,

92. and almost certainly the scariest car ever made.

93. Remarkable-looking thing, isn't it?

94. And even more remarkable when you notice it has lights and indicators

95. and space for a passenger.

96. What you are looking at, here then, is the first realistic attempt

97. to make a Formula 1 style car

98. that you can use on the road.

99. It hasn't had a particularly easy birth.

100. At a press launch, a Dutch journalist was in it

101. when some aspects of the front suspension came adrift

102. and it speared off into the undergrowth.

103. Then, at the Goodwood Festival of Speed the throttle jammed wide open.

104. And that happened again when Fifth Gear were testing it.

105. And then, at 150 mile an hour, it caught fire massively,

106. burning the driver, Jason Plato, quite badly

107. on the hand, the neck, and the face.

108. And now it is my turn.

109. Because of this cars violent history and the immense speeds it can achieve

110. the BBC has insisted we beef up our safety precautions!

111. This is what we normally use. A van with some sticking plasters and Aspirin in it.

112. Today though, we have enough to deal with a medium-sized plane crash.

113. Caparo themselves say I'm not allowed to drive it unless I wear a full-face crash helmet

114. and one of these Nomex romper suits, presumably so that if something goes wrong

115. all my organs will be held together in one, sort of, big fireproof bag.

116. They'll be easier to collect.

117. So, everything is in place.

118. I'm in.

119. So, first of all, we have to put the steering wheel on.

120. It goes on the other way up. That's what it does.

121. Seat belts.

122. Right. On. The fire-extinguisher system master switch on. Ignition.

123. It's a road car so it will probably be quite quiet.

124. Here we go.

125. No, it isn't quiet.

126. If this all goes wrong, I'll do the Team America secret signal.

127. - Okay.

128. - Horn works.

129. Here we go.

130. Well, I don't know what the fuss is all about. This is very safe.

131. I can see no danger here at all.

132. Designed by the same people who brought you the McLaren F1,

133. the Caparo has a three and a half litre, V8 race engine,

134. which delivers 575 horsepower.

135. That is a huge amount in a car that weighs about the same as a patio heater.

136. As a result, it has twice as much brake horsepower per tonne

137. as a Bugatti Veyron, twice as much!

138. In a road car, that is a truly terrifying prospect.

139. So far now, all four wheels are still on, yeah.

140. The throttle has not jammed open

141. and there is no fire.

142. So, goodbye, safety people.

143. Oh, my God! God Almighty!

144. You can forget Enzos.

145. You can forget Koenigsegg. This is in a different league.

146. It does naught to 60 in two-and-a-half seconds.

147. Naught to 100 in five and it'll still be going like a bee out of hell

148. all the way up to 205.

149. Well, hopefully the twin tail planes

150. like you get on a SR-71 Blackbird spy plane

151. will keep it stable.

152. And the braking. Oh, God!

153. You couldn't stop more quickly if you ran into a tree.

154. Here we go again. To experience anything like this

155. you would have to be in a Formula 3000 car.

156. This is acceleration like I have never, ever experienced.

157. And then the floor came off.

158. I am going to do the secret signal.

159. Thankfully, it wasn't a big job

160. and soon the T1 was back.

161. And then there was a problem with the fuel, wasn't turning out to be very reliable, this.

162. And then there's the price.

163. I don't really know how to soften the blow on this,

164. so I'll just come straight out with it.

165. It's £235,000.

166. Really then, the only people fit, brave, and rich enough to buy such a car

167. are Premiership footballers

168. I am sure Mr Rooney will like the speed and the looks very much.

169. But he's in for a nasty surprise when he gets it back from the menders.

170. Because this is about as good at taking corners as he is.

171. Oh, no, that is a lot of under-steer.

172. Oh, that is a lot of under-steer there.

173. I put my foot on the power but there is so much power in this

174. I'm just going to spin out. Oh, God, this is a disaster.

175. The shape has been designed so the air flowing over it

176. will press the car into the road.

177. It will actually generate 3 g in a fast bend.

178. Unfortunately, in a slow bend, the air isn't moving over the body quickly enough.

179. And you have almost no grip at all.

180. Look at it snaking, fighting for grip that just isn't there.

181. If the tyres are cold, the problem is 10 times worse.

182. And if the road is wet, it'll spin up the rears through third and fourth.

183. If you try to go around a normal roundabout at a normal speed in this

184. you're going to have a huge accident.

185. When this thing goes on sale, there isn't going to be a ditch in the land

186. or a hedgerow that isn't full of glorious footballers all broken and on fire.

187. Because of this car, I wouldn't be, at all, surprised Grimsby Town

188. won this year's FA Cup.

189. So let me just... Hang on.

190. To generate enough down force to get around a corner

191. - you have to go really fast? - Yes.

192. Brilliant excuse for the police.

193. "I had to go around that corner, officer, at a 1000 miles an hour.

194. "Because if I was doing 30, I'd have crashed."

195. But, don't you think? The thing I like is that it is amazing that this is allowed.

196. Because I mean, there's a regulation that says

197. that headlight has to be that height.

198. They have to put the seatbelts in.

199. But there are no laws governing how fast it can go.

200. No. And we must now find out how fast it goes around our track.

201. Which means, of course, we have to hand it over

202. to someone who understands down force.

203. Some say that to unlock him you have to run your finger down his face.

204. Like that.

205. And that he were getting divorced from Paul McCartney,

206. he'd keep his stupid whining mouth shut.

207. All we know is he's called The Stig.

208. And he's off, and he's gone already, little bit of wheel spin there.

209. Now he's heading down to the first corner.

210. Fairly fast. There should be just about enough down force to get him round.

211. Let's have a look... Look at the speed he's going there.

212. The tail kicked out a little bit.

213. It's snaking.

214. Now, he's got to build up the speed again,

215. obviously, he's got no stereo today, so no self-help.

216. As he turns into Chicago, running a bit wide,

217. the understeer kicking in, not much you can do about that.

218. Now, he's just back on that three and a half litre engine,

219. into the Hammerhead, he's gonna be in serious bother here,

220. if he's not careful.

221. Understeer again, then understeer,

222. then understeer, then understeer, then oversteer,

223. and now he can get back on the power.

224. This would be phenomenal through to follow through.

225. Three g through there, easy-peasy.

226. Getting on for Formula One levels of grip through the tyres. God, that's quick.

227. Now he's got more bother again

228. cos he's got to go slowly for the second-to-last corner. Turning in.

229. Held that one very nicely. Last corner.

230. Again running wide! And across the line.

231. Now...

232. This is, uh...

233. Despite the handling issues, shall we say, we are expecting this to be pretty fast.

234. Mixing it up here with the top crowd,

235. the 118s, the 117s, the 119s.

236. It actually did it in one minute,

237. 10.6.

238. Whoa!

239. Staggering. Absolutely staggering.

240. That's the fastest thing by miles.

241. And now what I'm going to do, is take it off again.

242. What? Why?

243. Well, you know the rules, James.

244. If a car can't get over a sleeping policeman,

245. it can't go on that board.

246. We've always said that. And look at the nose on this.

247. I mean never mind a sleeping policeman,

248. you'd rip that off if you ran over Gandhi.

249. So, uh, sorry about that, and now we're moving on,

250. because it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

251. My guest tonight is a very busy man.

252. So busy, in fact, that the only hole we could find in his diary

253. was two weeks ago,

254. so we interviewed him then, and then we thought

255. we'd slide it into tonight's programme,

256. and nobody would be any the wiser.

257. I've had my hair cut to match, I'm wearing roughly the same clothes,

258. we're in the same building.

259. It was all very ambitious, but as is so often the way with Top Gear,

260. I am afraid it hasn't quite worked.

261. Because, if you watch very carefully,

262. this poppy is about to magically disappear.

263. Ladies and gentleman, from the past, Simon Cowell.

264. Welcome back.

265. - How are you? - Very good. How are you?

266. Very good. Thank you.

267. Have a seat.

268. Not your first visit, of course, isn't it?

269. I was here, was it four years ago?

270. Four years ago, when we had the Suzuki Liana.

271. - We've moved on now. - Oh, you've really moved up in the world.

272. Absolutely, and so have you.

273. Because then it was Pop Idol, wasn't it?

274. Yes, second Pop Idol or something, yeah.

275. Pop Idol. And since then you've got American Inventor, British Inventor.

276. - American Idol. - American Idol.

277. - X Factor. - X Factor.

278. - Britain's Got Talent. - How many more opportunities are there,

279. for you to get a lot of money from phone lines,

280. where people vote on things?

281. We only do the phone lines, so that the audience can vote.

282. So we're sort of giving something back to the audience.

283. - You can do an illegal immigrant one. - A what?

284. Where people compete for a British passport.

285. Are you seriously pitching me this idea?

286. No, I'm thinking I might do it, actually. It's such a good idea.

287. It's fantastic. It's yours.

288. - I just have ideas all the time. - Okay, they're not very good.

289. What, and X Factor is?

290. Yeah. Yes.

291. Why are they clapping?

292. Now, come on, fair's fair.

293. This is your audience, isn't it? I can really tell that.

294. Could I be a judge on X Factor?

295. - Shall I tell you why you couldn't? - Why?

296. Because I'm ageing quiet well, and you're not.

297. And I thought about you the other day, I was reading one of your reviews,

298. about a Jaguar,

299. about how Jaguars have to update themselves over the years,

300. and you are the equivalent

301. of a Jaguar who needs help.

302. In other words, you know how you do a facelift on the new Jaguar...

303. - Oh I can't do a facelift. - No, you do, you need Botox,

304. you need a facelift,

305. just have half an eye done.

306. I look in the mirror... Don't you look in the mirror and go,

307. "Yeah, no, I'm falling to pieces, and I don't care"?

308. - No. I don't think that. - You think that you care?

309. - I think I look good. - You do look good.

310. I know I do.

311. - We're the same age. - And I don't care.

312. - You must do. - Should I care about it?

313. And that's why you couldn't come on my show.

314. The other reason is I'll just sit, going, "No. No. No."

315. The second is, you'd be funnier than me.

316. That's why you'll never come on.

317. How's America, is it going well?

318. I like it there, you know, I mean, I've been there five years, it's fun.

319. - You live there? - I live there, I live there for half the year now.

320. So you've got to split your cars,

321. - America and UK. - Yes.

322. So come on then, what've you bought?

323. In England I have an Audi, the new Audi,

324. - The R8, that is brilliant, isn't it? - Right.

325. Well, it's very interesting, I was driving the car the other day,

326. and I was thinking about what you said on the show,

327. - about it being better than a Porsche. - Mmm-hmm.

328. And I was kind of thinking, why is it better than a Porsche?

329. The reason it's better than a Porsche is that people like you in it.

330. I promise you, at that split second,

331. someone overtook me,

332. put their hand out the window, went, "Tosser."

333. At exactly that moment.

334. Perhaps telling you to put your seat belt on.

335. - That's all it was, put the seat belt on. - Is that what it was?

336. No, it's a good car, and then on your recommendation,

337. I bought a Lamborghini Gallardo, whatever you call it.

338. - Spyder. - Spyder.

339. Which is completely pointless.

340. Because, and I'll tell you why,

341. when you're driving around the track here, it's fantastic.

342. Driving it in London, it's impossible.

343. Why?

344. You can't do more than 10 miles an hour in this car,

345. it's like, Naomi Campbell phoning you up,

346. going out for dinner, ending up in a hotel room,

347. and then she then's telling you that she's a lesbian.

348. - It's sort of pointless... - I wouldn't mind that.

349. - Bring a friend, let's be on a look. - Uh-huh.

350. Good point, actually.

351. It's kind of pointless.

352. - Why? - Because, you can't drive these things properly.

353. But what can you drive in London that you derive enjoyment from?

354. That's my point, nothing.

355. - You've still got the Rolls Royces? - Yes.

356. - One there, one here. - Thanks, to Fifth Gear, who recommended it.

357. I like Westlife.

358. That's one of Louis's, isn't it?

359. - No, one of mine actually. - Is it?

360. - Aren't they the Irish ones? - Yeah, he manages them.

361. - And they're signed to my record label. - Oh. Okay.

362. Who isn't signed to your record label?

363. - Spice Girls. - I like them.

364. - I wanna hear about my lap. - Really?

365. Yeah.

366. - Oh, all right then. Are you a competitive man? - Yes.

367. Because the last time you came here...

368. - I won. - You went to the top and then you were knocked off by...

369. - Jimmy Carr, wasn't it? - Who I saw, like weeks after,

370. who was horribly patronising about the whole thing, you know.

371. So today is the day you've come back to see if you can get to the top.

372. - Yes. - Off the board.

373. - That's why I'm here. - How did it go?

374. I don't think it went as well as last time.

375. Who'd like to see it?

376. Yes.

377. Play the tap.

378. Okay, here we go.

379. What do you think of the car? Terrible.

380. Really didn't like it?

381. I mean, seriously the worst car I've ever driven.

382. That's good and aggressive through there.

383. Drat.

384. Ah, you caught a little wheel spin through there.

385. Then into the Hammerhead, nicely done so far...

386. That's pretty good.

387. - Is that good? - Yeah, very good.

388. Right, now flat from now on.

389. - Flat. - Yeah.

390. And still flat through the tyres.

391. That's how you do it, Jeremy.

392. I know, I drive around here all the time.

393. - I know and... I'm still never telling myself.

394. Look at this, casual, relaxed,

395. coming up to the second to last corner.

396. Whoa!

397. Into Gambon now, and there we go,

398. and across the line.

399. Not bad.

400. Well there it is.

401. Where do you reckon?

402. As long as I'm higher than Hugh Grant.

403. Hugh Grant, 1.47.7. Yeah. No, your faster then that.

404. Well, just tell me.

405. Do you think you beat Gordon Ramsay, who was seriously quick.

406. - What did he do? - He did a 1.46.3.

407. Close.

408. - You reckon close? - Yeah.

409. You were actually very close.

410. Because you did it in one minute,

411. forty

412. five

413. point nine.

414. See it there.

415. Jubilations for the day.

416. That's fantastic.

417. And Gordon Ramsay, has just committed suicide.

418. Well, to be fair to Gordon Ramsay, he's fat.

419. So that's worth at least two seconds.

420. - That is amazing. - That was, actually.

421. You really do have a knack for it.

422. The Stig said you have definitely got a knack.

423. The cameramen said they've never seen consistency like it in the practise laps.

424. Well, the thing is, is that you should never listen to what you're being told,

425. because it's like trying to ride a bicycle, you know?

426. If someone tells you how to do it,

427. you start thinking about too many things.

428. You've just got to get yourself round.

429. But I'm genuinely thrilled. I'm glad I came.

430. I'm very glad you came, because I was getting bored with having a Scot,

431. not only in number 10, but also at the top of our leaderboard.

432. - Ladies and gentlemen, Simon Cowell!

433. I'm so happy. Well done.

434. Wow! What a night!

435. The records are just tumbling.

436. First, the Caparo blitzes the Koenigsegg round the track,

437. now we've got a new fastest lap, it's...

438. - Yeah, hello. - My poppy's grown back!

439. - Yeah, you are such a clot. - It's a miracle!

440. I am. And now, it is time for one of our epic races.

441. You know the sort of thing,

442. where a Bugatti races across the Alps against a truffle,

443. or a McLaren-Mercedes races a powerboat to Oslo.

444. Oh, yes, and this one... Isn't that big, to be honest.

445. But it is more relevant, because it's a race to find out

446. what is the quickest way to cross a busy city.

447. Car, bicycle, public transport, whatever.

448. We've chosen London. Now we start from here, Kew Bridge,

449. which is the most westerly point of the North Circular.

450. Which, if you live in Nepal, or Coventry,

451. is a sort of ring road around London.

452. And we then finish up over here, at London City Airport,

453. which is at the most easterly point of the North Circular.

454. So that is a race right across the centre

455. of one of the most congested cities in the world.

456. Now, to make sure that we aren't accused of bias toward the car,

457. it will be driven by the slowest man in the world.

458. A man with no known sense of direction.

459. Him.

460. To make it even less fair, the car they've given me is not a Smart car,

461. or my Fiat Panda, or anything sensible like that. It's this.

462. The new Mercedes GL.

463. It's 17 feet long, it's about six and a half feet wide,

464. it weighs two and a half tons.

465. It is the Chelsea-ist of all the Chelsea tractors.

466. And I shall attempt to beat him on this.

467. It's a Specialised Sirrus Limited.

468. A carbon fibre, super-lightweight bicycle.

469. It's built on a five-piece monocoque construction, with a body geometry saddle.

470. It's got carbon fibre cranks, air carbon fibre handlebars, carbon fibre brake levers,

471. and it's even got its own unique gel-based suspension system,

472. so it can cope with the bumps of London.

473. - It's £1,700. - It is quite expensive, yes.

474. Anyway, this isn't just a race between a car and a bike,

475. 'cos we need to see how public transport will fare, so we need a third person.

476. Someone who's never been on a train or a bus.

477. Someone who doesn't know the misery.

478. Thankfully, on Top Gear, we have just such a person.

479. Now, as we race across London in the car and on the bike,

480. he will catch a bus around the corner,

481. there he will get an underground train to Monument Station

482. and from there, he will get on the Docklands Light Railway,

483. which takes him all the way to the airport.

484. - So, are we ready? - Yes!

485. Ready?

486. - Let's go. - Excellent.

487. Oh, hang on! Hang on! There is a fourth way.

488. Oh, God.

489. - Don't tell me, a jet pack. - No.

490. - Harrier jump jet? - No.

491. - A plasma-powered horse. - No.

492. No, I've got a boat.

493. Well, how are you gonna get a boat up Knightsbridge?

494. Well, I'm not. The river, Thames, is just behind those houses there,

495. it goes all the way to the airport.

496. Like a blue motorway.

497. So, you are going to row up the Thames, doing one mile an hour.

498. Of course, I'm not gonna row. It's got an engine.

499. All we know is this, Hammond.

500. - It's 8:32. - Yes.

501. - On a Monday morning. Yeah.

502. Peak rush hour. I'd call the weather today... Close.

503. - Humid. - Sweaty.

504. - Yes.

505. So we have no... Genuinely, we have no idea who's going to win this.

506. - I am. I know full well... You're not.

507. - You're not. - I am!

508. - Are we ready? - Yes.

509. - We're going to find out. Yes.

510. Three, two...

511. - Hold on, he's jumping the gun! - Go, now!

512. I'm going. - Okay. No rush.

513. I'm gonna cream it.

514. - See you, Hammond.

515. That's the last time you're in the lead!

516. What I've got is a gentle walk to the river, on the boat,

517. through the city, it's a lovely day.

518. See you, mate!

519. Hammond shot past the traffic on Kew Bridge.

520. I honestly think I can win this one.

521. Captain Slow was also full of hope.

522. This is a car.

523. This is a car programme. I know you want the car to win.

524. I want the car to win. I shall not let you down.

525. I have a rough idea where I'm going.

526. I know the river's on my right... Is it on the... No, it's on the right.

527. Sadly, though, both of them were going to be disappointed.

528. Let's go!

529. Okay, what I've got here is a £52,000 Cougar sport racing boat.

530. It's got a 3.5 litre Honda engine on the back, 225 brake horsepower.

531. Top speed, 75 miles an hour.

532. Unfortunately, on this part of the river, sort of Chiswick,

533. there are many herons and otters,

534. so I'm limited to nine miles an hour-ish.

535. The speed limit is enforced all the way to Wandsworth Bridge,

536. but from there, the Thames has no speed limit at all.

537. Bye-bye! Good luck on the bus!

538. Bye!

539. Meanwhile, The Stig saw a huge red car approaching.

540. And he got on it,

541. using something called an Oyster Card,

542. which is useful if you have no understanding of money.

543. I'm in a bus lane, which is good, I can use them.

544. However, the other thing that uses them... Buses.

545. The Monday morning rush hour was slowing James.

546. But I couldn't open up the big lead I'd hoped for, for one simple reason.

547. I've got to wait at the lights, I'm on telly.

548. Obviously, I always wait at the lights.

549. Hello. Oh!

550. With the car pottering along nicely,

551. I decided to see if Hammond was as comfortable as me.

552. Hammond?

553. Hello? Hammond?

554. Now, here's one of the big problems that you have on the river,

555. which is the rowers,

556. who reserve a special kind of hatred for people with engines on their boats.

557. They are the cyclists of the waterway, the Hammonds.

558. Do you want a lift?

559. See, she hates me.

560. Change, change, change, I'm bloody cycling, it's hard work!

561. You can't go fast because you've got bandy legs.

562. I can't go faster! I haven't got bandy legs!

563. It was time for The Stig to get out of the big red car.

564. Ladies and gentlemen,

565. please keep your belongings with you at all times.

566. Since I was stuck at nine, and almost certainly last,

567. I decided to revive the ancient art of using a telephone while driving.

568. - James! - Hello, Captain Clarkson.

569. - Where are you? - Hammers...

570. Yeah, Hammersmith Broadway.

571. No way.

572. Where's Hammond?

573. I don't know. I tried to ring him,

574. but it sounded like his face was rubbing along the road, so he may have had it already.

575. You realise, James, I have to beat you,

576. but I want you to win with that car. Don't get lost.

577. To make sure I didn't get lost, I was using the sat nav.

578. Keep left, now keep right. - I know. Yes, I know.

579. I'm keeping right. I knew that. I was already keeping right.

580. Please keep left in 100 yards.

581. Exactly, you go down there towards...

582. My phone's going. Hello?

583. Hammond? How's it going, mate?

584. - Oh, no!

585. No!

586. Oh, that was the sound of a skull under a bus's Pirelli, that.

587. Right, time to ring The Stig.

588. See how he's getting on.

589. We'd given him a phone, but...

590. - Uh...

591. After 25 minutes, this is how things stood.

592. Hammond was alive, and in the lead.

593. May was breathing down his neck in second,

594. The Stig was third, and I was going in the wrong direction,

595. on one of the river's endless and annoying meanders.

596. I have to make every mile an hour count

597. because my average speed is so low.

598. Don't pull out, don't pull out, don't pull out!

599. I hate buses.

600. Stinking, horrible things.

601. Go. Bit of Christian motoring there, that man wanted to pull out.

602. Let him pull out. What comes around goes around.

603. He who is last shall be first.

604. Oi! Chuffing...

605. Bus-driving, bullying Nazi!

606. Why don't you just wait and give your passengers a better ride?

607. The next station is Stamford Brook.

608. The Stig, now in an underground car,

609. has noticed that everyone was doing the same thing.

610. This has to be the most

611. stress-free and relaxing Monday morning rush hour commute

612. since the dawn of civilisation.

613. Oh, not another set of sodding lights!

614. - Oh, bloody hell!

615. Have a nice walk. Enjoy yourselves!

616. I knew May was getting stuck at the lights too,

617. but getting up to speed again didn't wear him out.

618. Not that he could ever get up to any sort of speed in the first place.

619. Now, I'd never try to ban people from having cars like this,

620. because that would be like Communism, really.

621. But I really don't understand why anybody would have something like this

622. for driving around town,

623. because it's so big and unnecessary.

624. It's more than six feet wide, it's almost six and a half feet wide,

625. and that's what makes a difference.

626. That door is half the width of that whole scooter.

627. Meanwhile, The Stig was plainly bemused by a strange new world.

628. No! No! You filthy, foul-stinking...

629. - Hello? Hammond?

630. Oh, you stinking, evil

631. foul-reeking, hell-making...

632. Hammond stopped swearing long enough to answer the phone.

633. - Hello? Hello. Yes, what?

634. I'm just coming up to the first Albert Hall. I wondered how you were doing.

635. You're just behind me. I'm stuck at the lights again.

636. Ooh, right. Well, I'll give you a friendly peep as I go past.

637. I'll kick the crap out of your car if you do!

638. Thirty five minutes into the race and Richard was still in the lead.

639. James was still on his tail,

640. The Stig was still in a tunnel,

641. and I was still following a path forged by nature at nine.

642. But I wasn't worried at all.

643. Hammond, by now, will just be bathed in sweat.

644. Hideous, smelly. People will vomit when they go near him.

645. James, of course, he'll end up in Huddersfield perhaps,

646. Pontefract, who knows? Not the City Airport.

647. Er... Stig, don't know, might think he's a Brazilian electrician.

648. And then me, having a lovely time, and I'm going to win.

649. I was now scything down Piccadilly,

650. and joy of joys, the traffic was horrible.

651. As it turned out, jams were the least of my problems.

652. Oh, crikey, it's the rozzers!

653. The police only wanted to check the permit for our camera car,

654. but it still cost me valuable time.

655. So, on the basis that stopping here,

656. I've lost about three or four minutes in the race,

657. and that sort of corrupts the result,

658. can we just do four minutes of blues and twos and I'll follow you?

659. What I can do is I can give you a 50/90 to say that I've stopped you,

660. and then you can submit that to your superiors

661. - as a record of me stopping you. What?

662. I was pulling further ahead.

663. Trafalgar Square, left. Right, this is where I need to be.

664. Cycle lane, one, two, three metres of it,

665. and then I'm back under that bus!

666. With plod off my back,

667. I now had to pay Ken Livingstone for permission to sit in his jams.

668. I'm sorry.

669. That was an incorrect selection.

670. Hello. I need to pay the congestion charge for London.

671. Okay. Can I have your vehicle number plate?

672. Uh... I don't know.

673. Um...

674. Fifty six, hotel, foxtrot, zulu.

675. And is that a Mercedes GL 500 in silver?

676. - How did you know that?

677. It's actually a 5.5 litre, but they call it a 500

678. - 'cos they're a bit embarrassed about it. Oh.

679. With James stuck in the traffic

680. around Piccadilly and Trafalgar Square,

681. I had to seize the moment and push.

682. There's the river.

683. That's 24 miles an hour showing. I've got to keep that up.

684. Head down, I've got to just go.

685. - Hammond? - Hello?

686. - Where are you? - I'm on the river.

687. I've just got onto Embankment. Where are you?

688. I'm just going past Fulham Football Club.

689. This was bad news.

690. Jeremy was now only a minute or so from Wandsworth Bridge,

691. where he could put his foot down.

692. So although the car was imprisoned by the traffic,

693. the boat was coming into play,

694. and Stig was closing in too.

695. Please mind the gap between the train and the platform.

696. I've got 19 miles an hour showing on the little speedo here.

697. I've got to keep that up.

698. I feel sick.

699. There we go, Wandsworth Bridge!

700. Yes!

701. Okay, Hammond and May, live with this!

702. That's the Embankment. Where's May?

703. At this point, Richard was just eight miles from the airport.

704. I had 17 miles to cover, but I was going an awful lot faster.

705. The Stig was now catching Hammond too,

706. and even worse news for the one in shorts, James had cleared the traffic.

707. Here we go!

708. Got to beat Jeremy and cannot be beaten by James!

709. Battersea Power Station, ladies and gentlemen, to your right.

710. Coming up to Milbank now, headquarters of the Labour Party.

711. They won't like this very much.

712. I don't like this car, I have to be brutally honest.

713. It's not my kind of thing, but...

714. A car is nevertheless the right way to do this.

715. I've got it just set to 20 degrees,

716. bit of Radio 3...

717. Yeah, pull out on me, why not? That's what I'm there for!

718. The Stig, in a close second,

719. was now making his final train change.

720. Ladies and gentlemen,

721. please keep your belongings with you at all times

722. and report any unattended items or suspicious behaviour

723. to a member of staff or a police officer.

724. Hello, officers!

725. I just went past the police at 45 miles an hour!

726. Annoyingly, I couldn't fully open the taps,

727. because weirdly, I had traffic problems.

728. Look at it, just endless tourists!

729. Come on!

730. I've gotta get my speed up!

731. This train's ready to King George V via London City Airport.

732. Twenty, 25, 20, 18...

733. So frustrating!

734. Where is Jeremy on his boat? Where, where, where?

735. Tower Bridge! Going through!

736. As the river widened, I became the fastest-moving man in all of London.

737. We're mucking on now. Coming up to 50 miles an hour.

738. How can we lose now? It simply is not possible.

739. Yeah! Yeah!

740. At this stage, James was last,

741. and The Stig was still several stops away from the airport,

742. so it was becoming a two-horse race.

743. The bends in the river had made my journey seven miles longer,

744. but I was now doing a whopping 70 miles an hour!

745. Hammond was probably feeling quite good about his chances.

746. Well, I'm sorry, mate, but they're gone now. Thank God!

747. Bloody lights!

748. Bloody lights!

749. I hate them!

750. London VTS, London VTS,

751. this is red Cougar requesting permission to go through the barrier at speed.

752. Roger, copied. Proceeding through the barrier.

753. Take Charlie's fan in-between the green arrows.

754. Sorry!

755. Somewhere around here there's an airport,

756. and I've gotta go report at it.

757. City Airport, there it is!

758. Come on! Come on!

759. Come on!

760. I'm here, I've arrived.

761. Coming through!

762. Unfortunately, a gentleman on a bike has checked in already.

763. - What? - A gentleman on a bike has checked in already.

764. - Hammond? - Yes.

765. I'm only better than you!

766. - How the hell did you do that? - It's easier on a push bike.

767. - You don't get stuck... - You've ruined Top Gear.

768. - Well... - It's the last ever show.

769. I've bent it a bit.

770. Hang on now, what you're saying is I've ruined Top Gear...

771. - Yes. Yes. - ... because I won on a bicycle?

772. You came second in a boat.

773. - Between us, we've ruined...

774. We've ruined Top Gear.

775. We sat down to see if Top Gear could be salvaged.

776. Just so long as the car beats public transport.

777. What if the car that we've got... That's a very good point.

778. What if the car loses to public...

779. We need for public transport to come stone dead last.

780. - We soon got an answer. Here comes...

781. - Oh, no! Did you go on a Tube?

782. Underground? Did it go dark, flashing lights?

783. - Did you go on a train? - Were there other people?

784. What he's just done is he's gone slower than a boat and a bicycle.

785. - Inside, there's all numbers.

786. There'll be a bit of smoke come out the top in a minute, keep watching.

787. Fifteen minutes after The Stig, James arrived.

788. - Thank you, James. - What have you done?

789. - The car, as an entity... Ruined.

790. lies smashed and broken in front of us because of you.

791. He beat you on public transport.

792. We're ruined.

793. Can I clear something up? It's just confusing me here because you lost about, what?

794. - Four minutes with that policeman business... Mmm-hmm.

795. But watching the film, you get the impression

796. that the car arrived 15 minutes after everyone else.

797. Now, if I remember rightly, when I got there,

798. - James, you were already there and had been for ages. He was!

799. And do you know something else, as well?

800. I distinctly remember my boat blew up

801. - and I was killed! Yes, yes.

802. - You don't get that sense watching the film. - Doesn't come through.

803. I'm glad you said that, because I'm sure I remember cruising straight past Hammond

804. with his head stuck in some railings.

805. That happened. That did happen.

806. And actually, do you know what?

807. London doesn't have a river, so I couldn't have used a boat.

808. So, there we are. What Top Gear,

809. which is a trusted, award-winning, factual programme, has proved,

810. is that despite what you've just seen in that stupid and misleading film,

811. - the car was the fastest. - And the best.

812. - Yes. And the best.

813. And as a result of that, we will back with more facts.

814. See you then. Good night!