Top Gear 10x3

1. Tonight, James drives a Rolls-Royce,

2. Richard drives a Bugatti Veyron,

3. and I drive something that is neither of those things!

4. Hello and good evening.

5. Good evening and thank you very much.

6. Thank you so much. Thanks. Now...

7. We start tonight with a letter.

8. "Dear Top Gear,

9. "why, oh, why don't you feature more cars

10. "aimed at ordinary people like me.

11. "Yours sincerely, Mr. R. Abramovich of Chelsea."

12. - Well, Mr. Abramovich,

13. our man of the people, James May,

14. was only too happy to oblige.

15. Perhaps this is what he's on about.

16. No, not the gin palace.

17. This.

18. The new Rolls-Royce Phantom Drophead.

19. As I'm sure you know,

20. on Top Gear, if a car spends

21. too long sitting on the deck of an aircraft carrier,

22. it eventually gets launched off the ramp thing down at the end.

23. And this definitely isn't going to fly because it weighs 2.6 tonnes.

24. So, let's be on our way.

25. This really isn't the sort of car you want to drop in the ocean.

26. Largely because it costs £307,000.

27. That's £50,000 more than the Rolls-Royce Phantom saloon

28. which we tested a few years ago,

29. and which, I have to say, we liked rather a lot.

30. So, what are you paying the extra for, aside from the drop-top?

31. Well, you certainly get a lot more metal-working

32. because, to keep the Drophead's body rigid,

33. Rolls gave it to their adoptive parents at BMW,

34. who added another 460 feet of welding.

35. And they did that at their Centre for Aluminium Competence.

36. I'm not making that up. That is what it's called.

37. They're Germans.

38. Otherwise, it has the same 6.75 litre engine as the Phantom,

39. the same top speed and the same 0-60 time.

40. So, the mechanicals are the same.

41. But the image, very different.

42. The saloon is the sort of car that you could hide in.

43. You can sit in the back behind the tinted glass and just pretend

44. to be selling Russian gas or whatever on your laptop.

45. But with the Drophead, it will be you who's doing the driving.

46. You don't really want to ride in the back of this car,

47. unless, perhaps,

48. you're the Queen of England or Elton John.

49. Which is the same thing, really.

50. So, you'll be sitting up front for all the world to see

51. in a car that's hardly discreet,

52. and this is why I'm driving it around town at night.

53. Because the producer thought I'd be too embarrassed in daylight.

54. But why would I be embarrassed?

55. If this was truly vulgar, maybe,

56. but it isn't.

57. It's exquisite.

58. This lot don't do carbon fibre

59. but they will let you have this teak decking at the back,

60. like you might find on a motor launch.

61. And they will also let you have the bonnet

62. finished in brushed stainless steel.

63. And other car manufacturers are currently spending

64. millions and millions of pounds on research

65. into hydrogen fuel cells and hybrid drive

66. but Rolls-Royce spends the same money

67. in its ashtray design department.

68. Look at that!

69. Furthermore, you won't be overwhelmed

70. by all the flashing lights and gizmos and gadgets

71. that you'd find in a BMW 7 Series or a Maybach.

72. I don't have 10 different settings for the ride firmness,

73. I don't have five different speeds

74. at which the interior lights switch off when I close the door.

75. It's more like a butler, this car.

76. It just sort of takes care of everything for you

77. and you don't even notice.

78. Like the Phantom saloon, the Drophead doesn't follow the herd.

79. It has its own ideas about what a luxury car should be.

80. You can't order a sports pack or a flappy-paddle gearbox

81. but you can choose from 44,000 shades of paint.

82. And you know that teak decking?

83. When you take the car for a service

84. a man in an apron oils it for you,

85. like you might your favourite cricket bat.

86. And when it rains, yes, you call on an old-fashioned soft-top,

87. instead of some trendy, folding, metal origami.

88. But that soft-top is lined with cashmere.

89. And yet, for all its teak

90. and stainless steel and cashmere,

91. the Drophead just doesn't come across as brash or in-your-face.

92. I like to think that you could leave it in the rougher parts of town

93. and no one would hurt it.

94. Yo! Oh, I love you!

95. Let's not try it out, though, eh?

96. This is without doubt a proper Rolls-Royce.

97. Wonderful to drive, beautifully made.

98. But there's something else.

99. Here's an amazing thing.

100. Rolls-Royce is the most established mark in the history of motoring.

101. It has the most pompous radiator grille.

102. It has the most ridiculous mascot.

103. And yet, this car's very, very cool.

104. I think this might be the coolest car in the world.

105. So, let's move on to Ferrari.

106. Ah, now, in the olden days,

107. they used to build their racing cars with a lot of passion.

108. And enthusiasm, and then,

109. on lap three, as often as not they would explode

110. in a passionate and enthusiastic fireball.

111. But then, a few years ago,

112. they started building their racing cars with science and maths.

113. And since then, as we know, they've been top of the tree.

114. So now, Ferrari is putting

115. science and maths

116. into its road cars as well...

117. This is the 599.

118. It has a six-litre V12 with variable valve timing on each of its four cams

119. and magneto-rheological shock absorbers.

120. It has lights on the steering wheel

121. telling you when to change gear

122. and then there's the gearbox itself.

123. When I pull this paddle here,

124. the clutch disengages,

125. the cogs are swapped and the clutch re-engages,

126. all in 100 milliseconds.

127. Ready...

128. Yeah, 100 milliseconds.

129. See that diffuser at the back?

130. That's generating 165 kilograms of down force, that is.

131. That's about, like, that much.

132. You can't even start this car in a normal way.

133. To get it off the line,

134. you pull that paddle to put it in... No!

135. - No. Wait. You turn the traction control off.

136. Yeah, that's that done,

137. then you pull this paddle to put it in first.

138. Then you press the launch control button

139. and now the L's flashing

140. and then you put your left foot on the brake, build up the revs...

141. And then you take your foot off the brake.

142. That was hugely impressive.

143. But I'll let you into a little secret.

144. Launch control is primarily designed for fat, useless drivers

145. to impress their friends with all the tyre smoke and so on.

146. There's another quicker way of getting this car off the line.

147. Ferrari won't thank me for this, but what you do is

148. put it in race.

149. Okay, then you hold this paddle down for two seconds.

150. It says transmission failure, but don't worry.

151. Left foot on the brake, don't turn the launch control on,

152. build up the revs.

153. That's phenomenal. The on board computer's just got me from 0-60

154. in 3.5 seconds.

155. 3.5 in a car that weighs nearly two tons!

156. More amazing still,

157. in the time it takes a two-litre Mondeo

158. to get from 0 to 60,

159. the 599 will get you from 0

160. to 150!

161. And then there's the way it goes round corners.

162. What I do in a normal fast car coming round here

163. is brake, turn in, you feel the grip, okay?

164. And then you balance the throttle

165. to hold it on the limit of grip,

166. and then you call the tow truck to pull you out of the field.

167. In this, however, things are a little bit different.

168. I simply choose what sort of cornering I'd like to do

169. with this little switch.

170. So if I put it here...

171. I can make it do this.

172. Or if I put it here, I can make it do this.

173. Hold onto your spleen, everyone!

174. Or if you're feeling brave and talented,

175. you can turn the system off all together,

176. in which case, you'll corner like this.

177. Oh, dear!

178. Big cloud of smoke!

179. And then it stalls.

180. To be honest, I don't really like any of this electronic stuff.

181. I'm not the sort of person who spends his evening on on Bebo or Myface,

182. but I will admit,

183. when it all comes together, the effect is, um...

184. Profound.

185. In short, this does for other cars

186. what the laptop did for the typewriter.

187. And because it's so high-tech, it's easy to drive.

188. You might even imagine you could use a 599

189. for trips to the shops.

190. But not so fast on that one.

191. In the past, this was the natural stomping ground of the Ferrari,

192. under a cover, in a garage.

193. And with good reason.

194. The 512 was too difficult and heavy to be used as an everyday car.

195. The Enzo has problems too.

196. It was only available with left-hand drive,

197. so, if you pulled up at a slightly oblique junction,

198. you couldn't see what was coming.

199. The 599, though, looks as though it gets round these problems.

200. There's a parcel shelf in the back for your golf clubs.

201. Service intervals are every 12,500 miles.

202. And because the engine's in the front

203. it has a big boot.

204. Don't, however, be fooled,

205. because there are one or two little issues.

206. I took one of these things out on the roads near where I live the other day

207. and it was so wide I spent most of my time in the ditch

208. or the hedge trying to avoid people coming the other way.

209. The headlights were like candles in jam jars,

210. the automatic wipers turned themselves on

211. every time it stopped raining.

212. The air-conditioning system had a mind of its own,

213. it kept steaming up.

214. And the ambient lighting,

215. designed to bathe the interior in a warm glow,

216. lit the whole thing up like a battlefield.

217. You really couldn't buy a 599 to use every day.

218. More worryingly, though,

219. I wouldn't buy one at all.

220. You see, if it's a car you can only really use on special occasions,

221. you want it to feel special.

222. And somehow it doesn't.

223. Technically, it's brilliant.

224. I respect it hugely.

225. In the same way that I respect the technology in my iPod,

226. but I don't love it.

227. And that's why if I were gonna blow £185,000 on a Ferrari,

228. I'd walk right past the 599

229. and get one of these.

230. It's a Ferrari 275 GTS.

231. Even by the standards of the day,

232. 1964, it was...

233. Rubbish!

234. The prop-shaft, for instance,

235. that links the engine at the front to the gearbox at the back,

236. was never aligned properly, so it'd wear out

237. immediately.

238. And that was a good thing, actually, because it meant owners

239. didn't have a chance to find out that the brakes

240. were actually milk bottle tops.

241. They'd stop you...

242. Once.

243. And, you know what?

244. None of that matters.

245. Because, look at it...

246. It's 14 feet of almost nothing

247. but passion and flair and style.

248. So when you drive it once a year, maybe,

249. it makes you feel special.

250. The 599

251. is just a bucket-load of science and maths.

252. This... This 275 is...

253. Is what matters.

254. It's heart and soul.

255. Look at this.

256. It is amazing!

257. As a technical exercise...

258. As a technical exercise it's just astonishing.

259. The science and maths is phenomenal in it,

260. - it really is. It is fabulous.

261. And would you really rather have that old 275?

262. Honest to God, I really would.

263. Anyway, we must now find out how fast this car

264. goes round our track.

265. Of course, that means handing it over to our tame racing driver.

266. Some say

267. that he gets terrible eczema on his helmet.

268. And that if he'd been the video ref

269. in the World Cup rugby final

270. he would have seen that of course it was a try, you blind Australian halfwit!

271. All we know is, he's called the Stig!

272. And he's off! Lots of smoke there,

273. mostly from the tortured clutch

274. as Stig gives it the beans in the secret launch mode!

275. First corner, okay, turns in hard.

276. The tyres squeal,

277. more roll than you might expect, actually, as well, that's...

278. That is a lot!

279. A sixth-sensory person

280. interacts with the world,

281. witnessing energy

282. in a detached mode...

283. Magneto-rheological dampers and sport traction control off,

284. stereo sadly on, though.

285. Tail just flicking out there, coming into the Hammerhead very hard on the brakes.

286. Almost beat the ABS there.

287. Look at his rear... That's a big drift!

288. This may be a V12 Pentium Processor, but God, it can dance!

289. Use that energy to be more giving,

290. more supportive and more effective.

291. Right, now the full fury of that Enzo engine.

292. Here it goes.

293. Powers through the follow-through,

294. through the tyres.

295. That is quick, but is it supercar quick

296. or will the 599's softer GT side slow it down?

297. Coming up to Gambon now.

298. Super tidy through there.

299. - And across the line!

300. Now.

301. Got to remember that we're talking here about a car that weighs

302. nearly two tons, leather seats,

303. air conditioning, big boot

304. and it did it faster than a Ford GT.

305. 1 minute 21.2.

306. That is truly staggering.

307. But now we must move on,

308. because it's time to put a star

309. in our reasonably priced car.

310. My guest tonight holds an amazing record.

311. He has been seen in the flesh by more people

312. than anyone else in the history of humankind.

313. And that is because he is a member of a band called the Rolling Stones.

314. - Ladies and gentlemen, Ronnie Wood!

315. - Can't believe this. - Hello, mate.

316. - Staggering! - All right?

317. - I'm very well. How are you? -Good.

318. I guess, um...

319. I guess you must be unnerved by a crowd as big as this.

320. - I know. - There's 500 people here.

321. - It's nice to be intimate. - Yeah, it's...

322. It's not intimate, this is huge!

323. Is this true?

324. 'Cause we were working it out the other day...

325. What do you get on an average tour these days? How many people come?

326. Oh, my God! Um... many millions.

327. I reckon more people than the Pope.

328. The Pope is nothing.

329. Can't see the Pope singing Satisfaction,

330. let's be honest.

331. Now, I've got to get straight to business here.

332. You look at the Stones, you've all got good hair.

333. How can you have known that when you all got together?

334. Well, none of us wanted to be in Fleetwood Mac.

335. - Hair's an important thing... - Must be the gypsy blood!

336. It is. I know you're the first member of your family

337. to be born on dry land, is that right?

338. Yeah, me and my two brothers,

339. all the rest of the family right back down to the 1700s

340. that I've traced so far, were all born on the water.

341. - All born, what, on canals now, rather than... -Yeah, on the canals.

342. I didn't realise that gypsies...

343. I thought you were all born in caravans, not in narrow boats.

344. I've got a caravan for the dry land bit.

345. You're kidding? You still have got a caravan.

346. Yeah, got a few.

347. One in the front and one in the back garden.

348. - Would you like us to destroy them?

349. No, I can do that myself.

350. Honestly, we'd be even better than you at destroying them.

351. Now, you've got a book out.

352. - Yeah. Da-dah! - Which is called...

353. You've brought one with you. It's called Ronnie.

354. The one thing, having read it,

355. that fascinates me is, how are you still alive?

356. Good question.

357. I mean, how did you do it?

358. It's just every single thing that's ever happened in your life

359. would have killed anybody else.

360. The drugs, the fights even in the early days with, you know, Jeff Beck.

361. Yeah, the escapes. We escaped.

362. - What escapes? - Oh, my God, from motorway cafes.

363. - Really? What, the Blue Boar days? -Yeah.

364. 'Cause all the bands used to meet there after doing gigs,

365. at the Blue Boar, on the M1.

366. Well, we would be sitting there at the shank of the evening

367. and outside you could see the gangs gathering, you know,

368. and they're going, "We'll have that lot, in there."

369. - What, the mods and rockers gangs? -Yeah!

370. And you'd go like... And we didn't know which one was gonna attack us.

371. But, we had to pretend to be on both sides,

372. and also get out of there and make our escape, so...

373. So, we had to jump into the car through the window, into the back.

374. The full Dukes of Hazzard through the window?

375. Yeah, just the window was luckily wound down because they'd come at you with...

376. With baseball bats and whatever other sticks

377. and nails and stuff they could get their hands on.

378. And Jeff would get behind the driver's seat, and...

379. - This is Jeff Beck? - One against the petrol pump,

380. another one against the wall...

381. Boom, boom, get out!

382. So Jeff Beck's not only an amazing guitarist,

383. but he's also a getaway driver?

384. - He is. Oh yeah.

385. This is one of the things I noticed in your friends...

386. Err, in your book, is looking at your friends,

387. people like John Belushi, Hendrix.

388. All those people... They're not exactly a Methodist Bible group.

389. Which brings us round to our dearly departed friend, Keith Moon.

390. - You know, God bless him. - Oh, I know.

391. Driving up the steps, straight through the plate glass window

392. and saying, "Could I have my room key, please?"

393. He actually did that?

394. - Yeah. - You saw him do that?

395. Yeah, and he pitched a tent

396. in the lobby of the Beverley Wiltshire in Hollywood

397. because they wouldn't let him in,

398. so he said, "I'm staying anyway."

399. You see, that's proper...

400. There's none of that... You wouldn't see Daniel Bedingfield doing that.

401. But what's your record for staying up?

402. Six days, six nights, with a concert after every one.

403. - We would play Madison Square Garden,

404. Keith and I would say,

405. "Well, we might as well make a night of it.

406. "Let's go down the studio with Eric Clapton.

407. "Let's go down to Electric Lady,"

408. so we'd do that every night.

409. We'd say, "There's no point in going to bed now.

410. "Come on, we'll be on in a few more hours."

411. And so that went on for the second day, third day, fourth day,

412. and I said, "Keith, I gotta get some rest." And he's going,

413. "Nobody sleeps while I'm awake!"

414. So, we did the extra two days and, before we knew it,

415. uh, we had a nice two day kip.

416. I just think it's fantastic.

417. And then there was also not just the danger obviously

418. of touring and staying up.

419. Keith Richards obviously was armed a lot of the time as well.

420. Yeah, before the good old days of the terrorists,

421. at the airports, you used to be able to carry a piece on with you.

422. Did Keith ever shoot anybody? Or anything?

423. He'd shoot between somebody's legs

424. that he was mad at in his room once.

425. And it went through the ceiling and disturbed

426. an old people's card game in the room below.

427. Why do we all have the jobs we have? Why aren't we all in bands?

428. And didn't he shoot somebody's guitar once?

429. Yeah, which turned out to be his own guitar...

430. He thought it was Mick's, and he was mad with Mick that night

431. and he said, "I'm gonna shoot that guitar."

432. So he got a pillow...

433. And I said to the roadie,

434. "Oh dear, what am I gonna tell Mick?"

435. He said, "Don't worry, he borrowed it from Keith anyway."

436. Well, actually, I... Reading the book I was thinking,

437. "Okay, you lived through that,

438. "you lived through the fights, you lived through the '60s,

439. "and the mods and the rockers,

440. "you lived through all the drugs, you lived through all the drink,

441. "but when you taped over your wedding video..."

442. What did you have to bring that up for?

443. It was nearly an early divorce!

444. Did you actually kill him for that?

445. No, I nearly did. - You nearly did.

446. It was only the last bit of it.

447. You know in the old days with videos,

448. you'd press stop and it would go back about...

449. - Yeah. - A foot, or something...

450. - Yeah, yeah. - So...

451. We're getting into Joe singing.

452. And then he kissed me at the wedding reception.

453. And then suddenly, "And it's Jimmy White to take the next shot."

454. Okay, there's one thing that

455. we all have in our heads really about the Stones

456. is that you have absolutely no idea about how the world works any more.

457. You just live this incredible separate existence.

458. Is that the case or are you in touch with how the world goes?

459. Well, it is difficult being on tour and...

460. You know, going to the office with a police escort

461. and private planes, and all that.

462. It's very hard to adjust,

463. coming off tour.

464. But I just... It's just I find it so very difficult to imagine a Rolling Stone...

465. I can't imagine Mick driving a car.

466. I can't imagine he'd know what all the levers were for.

467. I can't see Charlie driving either.

468. Has he got a driving license?

469. - No. - Oh, he hasn't? So he's got no car?

470. He owns a wonderful Lagonda

471. and he's got a collection of rare old cars

472. and he likes to hear the sound of the engine but not rev it up,

473. he doesn't like to rev it up or go anywhere in it.

474. But he gets suits made of the same design as the car,

475. you know, sort of maroon and grey,

476. with stripes and something, and...

477. He sits in it.

478. Nice and eccentric!

479. God, I love the idea of being him. You're so... Oh!

480. I do have, in Ireland, I have my old 6.3 Mercedes.

481. - An old one? - Yeah, 1970, yeah.

482. Huge, really good looking?

483. - Beautiful, yeah. - Yeah.

484. - With hydraulic seats and boot-lid and everything? - Yeah.

485. That's a lovely car. What else have you got?

486. Um, I've got an old Chevrolet, two-seater with dickie seats

487. and wooden spoke wheels from the 1920s.

488. So, it really didn't set you up in any way

489. for the Chevrolet that we provided you with today to do the lap.

490. - Is that what it was? - Chevrolet Lacetti!

491. - Oh! - How was it out on the circuit?

492. It was fantastic, by the time I did my last lap, I thought,

493. - "I could get into this!" - Who'd like to see the lap?

494. Yes! Play the tape. Here we go.

495. Come on, come on, let's go!

496. Ronnie Wood in our Chevrolet.

497. We gotta think lap times here.

498. The slowest one ever! Aah!

499. Let's have a look. Is that slow? No, it is not.

500. Better than Jools Holland.

501. That was nice.

502. Brake.

503. You need to for that corner.

504. That's looking good as well.

505. Come on!

506. - You old crate!

507. You do need to brake again there.

508. Liking the braking while understeering, nice and tidy.

509. Go on, Ronnie, go on, go on!

510. Going into this one nice and fast.

511. I'm loving this.

512. This one even faster.

513. Bloody hell, that is quick!

514. I'll hit this nice too.

515. I really didn't think you'd be able to do this.

516. I thought you'd just get lost and not know your name.

517. It's the last corner again...

518. And there he is across the line, everybody!

519. - I'm staggered! - I didn't spin off!

520. I'm staggered!

521. - I am genuinely amazed at that. - I'm still shaking from it.

522. - But you liked it? That's great. - Yeah, adrenaline.

523. So, where do you think you've come on our lap times board?

524. Even if I came last, I just enjoyed the hell out of it.

525. Sweet man, but you didn't come last. Not even close.

526. You did it in one minute...

527. Forty...

528. 9.4 seconds.

529. - You, mate, are right...

530. Quicker than Jools.

531. All right!

532. Where's Helen Mirren's name on there?

533. - Helen Mirren is there, 1.52.8. -All right.

534. Yeah, well, that has just been the best fun

535. - having you on, honestly. - Oh, it was great.

536. Ladies and gentlemen, Ronnie Wood!

537. - Thank you.

538. This was fantastic! Thank you so much.

539. Now, over the years,

540. technology has done a great deal to help old people.

541. It's given them the Stannah stairlift,

542. the electric tin opener and the rubberised under sheet.

543. But there's never been anything to help old people park, until now!

544. Because this Lexus LS600 can park itself.

545. Now, here's basically how it works.

546. At the back of the car, there are sensors in the bumper

547. that know where its extremes are.

548. There's a tiny little camera here that looks behind

549. and when Hammond presses a little button on the screen

550. it will reverse and steer itself,

551. into that spot.

552. Yup, it's that easy.

553. I just engage reverse gear, I can see the cameras here,

554. I press some buttons and stuff, and then it parks!

555. So, here goes! This is gonna go well.

556. Whoa, Hammond, Hammond. I'm sorry...

557. Sorry to interrupt, but this is the instruction book

558. that I have here, okay, for the sort of command system.

559. All of that is for the park assist.

560. Do you think you can do it without reading it?

561. Well...

562. All right, then go on, see if I care.

563. - You press some... - Go on then, go on then.

564. I don't do anything, do I? I just take my foot off the brake, yeah?

565. Don't touch the steering wheel.

566. Take your foot off the brake and then it goes.

567. - Look at the wheel! - I'm not doing anything,

568. I'm not doing anything! I'm not doing anything! It's just the car!

569. I'm not!

570. Oh, bugger!

571. No! Stop!

572. Stop!

573. You've hit the cool wall!

574. Yeah, well, it's new technology...

575. - Has anyone got any reading glasses?

576. I can't read this damn book. Thanks, I promise I'll pay you back.

577. Right.

578. - I've got a green light and I've hit okay. That bit, there.

579. And, er, right.

580. If I put my foot on the brake, it slows it down.

581. I'm not... Look.

582. Yes, yes!

583. No! No! No, no, no, no, no!

584. Stop it! Again you've...

585. Hit the cool wall again!

586. I think we set the radar wrong.

587. - We've got to read the book!

588. "A equals B, is less than C...

589. "(A and B are equally far away)."

590. How can old people understand this?

591. Jeremy? - What?

592. - James? Yes.

593. Both of you, is the green square important?

594. Yes!

595. - What does it mean? - It's where you go...

596. - Oh, I put that in the cool wall!

597. - Ah, I've moved it. - Do the green square...

598. It's in the right place now.

599. So that's where I go. Here I go.

600. He's going. He's going He's going?

601. I've got it, I'm not touching anything.

602. - Please, turn. Please, God, turn! Turn the other way!

603. No, I can't turn. The car has to do it.

604. - It's doing it! - The car has to do it.

605. That's nearly in! That's parked!

606. That is nearly there.

607. Ladies and Gentlemen, give the car that nearly did it, a round of applause!

608. And the really tremendous thing about this is this car is £83,000.

609. Now, the old age pension at the moment is £87.30,

610. which means if you save all your money, do without food and warmth,

611. you will be able to buy one of these in just 18 years.

612. Who says we don't do sensible consumer advice on this show?

613. And there's more. As the country becomes more and more crowded,

614. and the environmentalists become more and more noisy,

615. it makes more and more sense than ever to have a small car.

616. There are lots to choose from.

617. I've got a selection here, Volkswagen Polo, Suzuki Swift, quite nice actually,

618. and the Citroen C1.

619. The trouble is none of these cars are really small.

620. They are, in fact, massive.

621. 40 years ago, car makers could sell you something much smaller,

622. the original Mini, for example, or the bubble car.

623. But even these aren't small.

624. Not really. Not compared...

625. To this.

626. The Peel P50.

627. That is 54 inches long and 41 inches wide.

628. It is listed in the Guinness Book of Records

629. as the smallest production car ever.

630. And what I'm sure you're expecting me to do now

631. is introduce Richard Hammond.

632. But what I'm actually going to do,

633. is drive it to work.

634. All, um, 6'5" of me.

635. No, that's not gonna work. I'll have to... Hang on.

636. Leg, Yes! Leg first and then... Yes!

637. Built on the Isle of Man in the early '60s,

638. the P50 was said to be almost cheaper than walking.

639. It cost £198 and did 100 miles to the gallon,

640. and it sounds perfect then for the roads of today.

641. Of course, there are one or two drawbacks.

642. I can't imagine, for instance, that it's terribly safe,

643. not when your knees are the crumple zones.

644. And nor is it very fast.

645. What I've got down here by my right knee,

646. in the cabin, making an awful lot of noise

647. and generating quite a bit of heat

648. is the 49cc engine from a moped.

649. Top speed rather depends on how big you are

650. and, um, actually how much you had for breakfast.

651. But realistically, even the skinniest, shortest chap, with the whitest of teeth,

652. will struggle to get past 35.

653. There's something else I've just thought of as well.

654. I have to pay congestion charge in this, in this part of London,

655. but the camera crew in the Lexus 4x4 don't 'cause it's a hybrid.

656. How fair's that?

657. It's not like I'm creating any pollution at all.

658. The Peel then is not only a handy way of getting to work,

659. but it's also pretty practical when you get there.

660. Normally, the BBC make you moor up in an underground car park,

661. where the bays are only big enough for ethnic peace bicycles

662. and fair-trade G-Wizzes.

663. But because this is smaller than an ethnic peace bicycle,

664. I don't have to worry about parking at all.

665. The great thing about a car this small is that it's very light,

666. which means that when you get to work, you just pick it up and carry it inside.

667. Morning!

668. In the Top Gear office, the team were keen to know more about the P50.

669. I give you, the future, young men and women.

670. The Peel P50. I think it's 4.5 horsepower.

671. You know those Little Tykes cars that all kids have got?

672. That's exactly the same, one door.

673. I have never seen the Top Gear team so enthusiastic about any car.

674. "Lads, there's a Koenigsegg down in the car park." "Oh, right."

675. "I've got a new Ferrari there." "Not interested."

676. This...

677. Even John Humphrys dropped by for a look.

678. Hammond... No. Well, can't you just clean them?

679. Really, 4,000 to whiten them? 4,000 quid?

680. You've white...?

681. No, well, I'll stick with the yellow ones. Okay. Take care! Bye.

682. Who's got the car?

683. Fantastic!

684. Who's stolen the car?

685. God, the power under this bonnet! It's impressive!

686. Crikey!

687. Whoa!

688. Ah, Clarkson, you've met your match here, mate.

689. Please don't just steal our things. D'you mind?

690. Thanks very much, indeed. Jolly nice of you.

691. Soon, I was summoned to an important BBC meeting.

692. Most of the people going would be walking, but I was running late,

693. and decided to use the car.

694. Doors closing.

695. Fourth floor.

696. Fiona Bruce is standing here, the newsreader.

697. Ground floor.

698. - Sorry, Fiona, could you give me a push? -A push out?

699. - Please, 'cause it's got no reverse gear. So... -Um...

700. - Thank you! - All right. You be all right in there?

701. No, this is fine, thanks.

702. She has got quite a nice bottom.

703. I said that out loud, didn't I?

704. After a short drive, I arrived at BBC Television Centre.

705. Unfortunately though, this is the most complicated building in the world.

706. I mean, I've worked in the BBC for 20 years and I still don't know where I'm going!

707. Tomorrow's World, was cancelled

708. not because the programme wasn't interesting any more or anything,

709. but simply because Judith Hann was lost in here.

710. Remember John Noakes, Peter Purves and Blue Peter?

711. They're in here somewhere, lost.

712. Hello, can anyone help?

713. Thanks!

714. Which department's this?

715. I'm really lost now.

716. MPs have held talks with government ministers

717. about how to handle the number of claims that have resulted

718. from last month's floods.

719. The total bill is estimated at about £1.5 billion. Mark Simpson is here...

720. Sorry! Sorry, everyone! Sorry!

721. Eventually though I made it to the top-level BBC seminar.

722. I believe we've already made significant in-roads,

723. into the implementation of an open and inclusive policy,

724. for the ethnocentrically homogenous objectives of this department.

725. But I'd like to say that climate change is the biggest threat ever

726. to face the peoples of this world.

727. And minimising our carbon footprint through the functional usage

728. is a key responsibility of anyone who uses a photocopier.

729. I hope that in this session we can discuss and address...

730. Sadly, the meeting went on for so long,

731. that there was no time left in the day for any programme making.

732. policy for the ethnocentrically...

733. So I headed home.

734. I really do think that today I have seen the future.

735. And it comes from 1963.

736. This Peel P50 really is absolutely brilliant.

737. If it had a reverse gear,

738. I would describe it as the absolute, ultimate really, of personal mobility.

739. You can't...

740. That's Dermot Murnaghan! Oi!

741. It is! Murnaghan! Murnaghan!

742. Oh! Thanks!

743. - Thanks for that! Sorry.

744. We really have a very big problem at the BBC with newsreaders.

745. I mean, just the other day, we were in the canteen,

746. Paxman came through on a Harley Davidson!

747. - It's just they're out of control!

748. Is this the best car we've ever had on Top Gear?

749. Yes! Honestly, I think It's genuinely astonishing!

750. But I think I can now go one better!

751. Because, ladies and gentlemen, I'm able to reveal,

752. there is a sports version of this car!

753. - No!

754. Who'd like to see it?

755. Yeah! - Here we go!

756. - Look at that! Wow!

757. It's just staggering!

758. It's The Jetsons!

759. I just want one of those. That would be my perfect two-car garage.

760. Yeah. Now, a year ago, Jeremy raced James and me from Italy to London.

761. James and I, in his ridiculous aeroplane,

762. Jeremy in a Bugatti Veyron.

763. And, annoyingly, he won.

764. Then we heard from a bunch of aeroplane enthusiasts, called the RAF.

765. They said, "Why don't you come up to our place?

766. "And we've got a plane that'll give your car a run for its money."

767. And, well, seeing as I'm the only one who hasn't yet driven the Bugatti Veyron,

768. I took up the challenge.

769. Yes, the 1,000 horse power legend is back.

770. And, if I'm honest, I'm a bit nervous.

771. Not because of the car itself,

772. but because of the burden that now rests on my shoulders.

773. When Jeremy drove the Veyron,

774. all he had to beat was an incompetent James in a useless little aeroplane.

775. Then, when James went to Germany and maxed it,

776. the car didn't even break sweat.

777. But this time, the Veyron's honour really is at stake

778. because never before has it gone up against something like this.

779. The most modern, the most hi-tech strike fighter on the planet.

780. The Eurofighter Typhoon.

781. And for once, when it comes to figures,

782. the Bugatti really is well and truly top-trumped.

783. Its twin engines develop 20,000 pounds of thrust each,

784. punching the Eurofighter up to 65,000 feet,

785. and a top speed of over 1,500 miles an hour.

786. This machine is the cutting edge of what a plane can do.

787. It's actually designed to be aero-dynamically unstable,

788. to make it as agile as possible in a dog-fight.

789. So, it need 70 computers to keep it in the air.

790. And if they fail, it would simply fall out of the sky.

791. It's kind of a mix of science fiction and brute strength.

792. These wings, for example, have to be able to take the stresses and strains

793. of all those extreme high-speed manoeuvres.

794. So, they might look all slim and dainty,

795. but each one can take the weight of 35 Volkswagen Golf's.

796. All in all, quite a handy bit of kit,

797. as you'd expect, at £67 million a pop.

798. Faced with the clear and present danger of the Eurofighter,

799. the Bugatti Veyron really is the car world's best shot at clinging to some honour.

800. And no one knows what the outcome will be.

801. In fact, Bugatti is so concerned,

802. they've sent over not one, but two Veyrons.

803. Maybe they're gonna tie them together or something.

804. The shoot-out will take place here,

805. on the main runway at RAF Coningsby, in Lincolnshire.

806. And here's the challenge.

807. It's a horizontal vs. vertical drag race, over two miles.

808. Here's the start-finish line and the car and plane.

809. Yeah, it's difficult to get hold of models of a Veyron and a Eurofighter.

810. They both start from here. The car will race down the runway for a mile,

811. when it reaches the mile marker, turn as quickly as possible,

812. and then race back down over the same mile, to cross the start-finish line here.

813. Meanwhile, the plane will set off and take off as quickly as possible,

814. and cover a mile.

815. Vertically, obviously.

816. When it's done the mile, it turns and swoops back down the same mile,

817. to cross the start-finish line.

818. Or to crash into a £1 million supercar that it didn't expect to see,

819. and YouTube has a field day.

820. Otherwise, last one to finish is a vegetarian.

821. Simple as that.

822. Now, you might think the plane is going to walk it.

823. But don't be so sure.

824. The car should have the edge off the line.

825. It'll do nought to 100 in 5.7 seconds, for God's sake.

826. And when it gets to these yellow dots,

827. which mark the mile point where it has to turn around,

828. the Veyron has another advantage.

829. Down here, its awesome brakes should come into play.

830. And then there's the air brake as well,

831. which on its own, generates the same stopping power

832. as you'd get in a normal hatchback.

833. A straight line is a straight line.

834. So the car does what it does there.

835. But up here, I've got to brake as late as possible,

836. and lose as little time as possible making the turn,

837. before the return mile.

838. So I reckon, it'll be won or lost here at this end.

839. Traction control off, gearbox to manual, launch control,

840. left foot on brake, give it the full beans on the throttle.

841. This is it!

842. Stand by one, give me 20 seconds.

843. As drag races go, you will agree,

844. this is quite a good one.

845. We are away!

846. We're neck and neck!

847. I'm getting away!

848. I can't believe I'm looking in... Whoa!

849. I can feel the whoosh from the jet!

850. And there it goes!

851. So I'm fighting for the Germans in a battle against the RAF!

852. If you're watching thinking, "This is cool,"

853. it is.

854. After just 18 seconds, I was doing 188 miles an hour,

855. and getting ready to brake for the mile turn.

856. That's as late as I dare!

857. This is where it's won or lost!

858. I'm on the return mile now!

859. This is the best race in history!

860. If I mess this one up, I may as well get a paper route.

861. I was doing 196 miles an hour, but was it enough?

862. I must still be ahead, I can't see the plane.

863. No!

864. No!

865. I suspect I may get some abuse for this.

866. You failed!

867. You are a vegetarian and you failed and you're useless.

868. Yes.

869. Gotta admit though, it is quite a car.

870. Oh, it is staggering, but what a plane!

871. And here is the guy who flew it, Squadron Leader Jim Walls.

872. Well done!

873. Must have been terrifying.

874. - Well, it was because... - Not you, him!

875. He had to wake up that morning, "What am I doing today?"

876. "Well, Richard Hammond's coming, he's driving in a fast car

877. "in a straight line on a runway in the North!"

878. - Yeah.

879. He's not gonna go, "Can I do nuclear war instead?"

880. So, well done, mate, fantastic!

881. Next week, we are in Africa for a Top Gear special.

882. Now, the three of us are trying to drive across the spine of the continent

883. in three ordinary, used, two-wheel-drive road cars.

884. It is worth watching, trust me!

885. See you then! Good night!