Top Gear 10x2

1. Tonight, James May faces trial by water.

2. Richard Hammond faces trial by fire.

3. Hello! Hello, good evening.

4. Thanks very much.

5. Now, ever since Honda dropped the NSX a couple of years ago,

6. the Porsche 911 was the only supercar if you can call it a supercar...

7. Which you can.

8. was the only supercar that you could use every day.

9. And it still is.

10. Well, you see, no, it isn't. Because now

11. - there's a new kid on the block. - No, there isn't.

12. Audis are mainly built for German cement salesmen.

13. Not this one, though.

14. This is the R8.

15. It's made from a blend of carbon fibre,

16. magnesium and aluminium.

17. It has two seats.

18. The engine's in the middle.

19. And it's about as high off the ground as a badger's badger.

20. By any measure, it's a full-on supercar, but, so far as I can tell,

21. it doesn't have any of the usual supercar drawbacks.

22. You can see out of it, for a kick-off.

23. And it's not powered by some V17 quad turbo

24. that does half a mile to the gallon and runs on diced lions.

25. It's actually got the same 4.2 litre V8 that Audi put in the RS4 Saloon.

26. And would you listen to it!

27. I am now doing 100 miles an hour

28. and it sounds like I'm in church.

29. Only I've got more headroom.

30. And how have they done that?

31. How can there be so much space in a car that's so low?

32. How?

33. I can only presume, and this is a revolting thought, I know,

34. that my buttocks are actually kissing the cat's eyes.

35. Not only is it spacious, but it's comfortable as well.

36. And at £77,000 it costs about as half as much as its step-sister,

37. the Lamborghini Gallardo. It all sounds brilliant.

38. But there are one or two issues that are worth mentioning.

39. Most of the things on it, the leather upholstery, the satellite navigation,

40. the stainless steel pedals, the Bang & Olufsen stereo,

41. in fact, nearly everything is an optional extra.

42. And I don't think it's a particularly good-looking car.

43. It's not balanced properly, somehow.

44. And those LED fairy lamps at the front, they really don't work at all.

45. They make it look like a council house at Christmas.

46. The thing is, though,

47. you won't care about the headlamps

48. when you open the taps a little bit.

49. 0-60 takes 4.6 seconds.

50. The top speed is as near as, makes no difference, 190.

51. It's not the speed, though,

52. that impresses you most of all.

53. It's the way this thing feels through the corners.

54. Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow

55. up a back staircase.

56. This is like smearing honey into Keira Knightley.

57. It may have four-wheel-drive, but it never sends more than a third of the power

58. to the front wheels.

59. You don't really ever get any understeer.

60. Grip, grip, grip, grip.

61. And if it does let go, it's just so manageable.

62. I'm, um... I'm completely sold.

63. As far as I'm concerned, this car is almost without fault.

64. It is absolutely stunning.

65. Rubbish! I'll show you stunning.

66. This is the best 911, the Carrera 2S.

67. It costs about the same as the Audi

68. and will now run four rings round it.

69. Ah, Richard Hammond appears to have joined us in his Volkswagen Beetle.

70. So, you want to play. Right.

71. Sport suspension on,

72. traction control off.

73. Here goes!

74. The thing is with that Audi,

75. you're just not as involved in the drive.

76. It's like he's back at base

77. pushing plastic pieces around on a war-planning table.

78. And in this, I'm in the front line, getting stuck in.

79. He's probably rabbiting on in there

80. about how he feels an organic part of the machine.

81. But the simple fact is, he's behind me.

82. Obviously, through the corners,

83. I have the four-wheel drive grip,

84. and then on the straights his miserable flat six

85. is no match for this V8 tower of power.

86. Hold on. I think his engine's broken. I can't hear it.

87. It's almost silent.

88. What's the point of having a supercar that doesn't shout about it all?

89. My driving letting us down there.

90. Mind you, Hammond's driving also letting him down.

91. Fearing that this would end up in a crash and a fireball,

92. we pulled over for an argument.

93. Now, come on! No, and it's not just about the result.

94. It's about the sensation along the way.

95. The problem with this, mate,

96. is they put the engine in the back, okay?

97. - Wrong place. - No.

98. Horse and cart.

99. I know, let's put the horse at the back.

100. So in your case they put the horse in the middle.

101. - In the cart. - Yes, but it's balanced.

102. No, that is one of the defining characteristics of that car.

103. - What? - Well, for one thing, it defines the shape,

104. which is incredibly aerodynamic.

105. For another, the packaging means with the engine behind the rear wheels,

106. you've got room for another set of seats. So you can use it.

107. Why do you want seats in the back?

108. I took the kids to school in that this morning

109. - and drove straight here. - Well, I didn't,

110. so who's the daddy now?

111. I said, "Kids, you're gonna have to go with your mother because I've got no seats."

112. Why has it got silly grey bits?

113. Having resolved nothing,

114. we decided to settle it intelligently,

115. with a half-mile drag race.

116. Well, I've got about 70 brake horsepower less, but it's lighter.

117. His four-wheel drive will bog down off the line.

118. I really want to win this 'cause I really, really like this car.

119. I mean, a lot.

120. I've got the engine on the rear wheels so I've got the advantage in traction.

121. I'm confident-ish.

122. I am ahead, clearly.

123. He's definitely got better traction off the line.

124. Can't see him. Where is he?

125. 120, here we go.

126. Oh, no! Oh, no!

127. Come on, come on, come on!

128. Who won?

129. I've no idea.

130. A-ha.

131. Now... Now...

132. I don't know...

133. Well, neither do I, but we're going to find out.

134. Can we see a slow-motion replay of that finish, please?

135. - Here we go. Oh, yes!

136. Clearly. Yeah.

137. No! No!

138. No!

139. Oh, no, no, you lost. That is an "L" for loser.

140. A-ha! But very soon,

141. there's gonna be a V10 version of this.

142. Not the Lambo V10, Audi's own.

143. Then... Ha-ha.

144. - I wouldn't hold your breath. - Why?

145. Well, did you hear what happened to the prototype?

146. In fact, we have a photograph of it here if we look up.

147. That's on fire. There it is.

148. - It's clearly on fire. - It's just steam.

149. - Really? - Yes.

150. Would you like to see what happened once they'd put the "steam" out?

151. - Yeah. - There's the car after they put the steam out.

152. - That's... Oh, that's steamed, isn't it?

153. It's steamed. - Yes, well-steamed.

154. Can we just get on?

155. No, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna settle this once and for all.

156. I'm going to put it to the audience.

157. I'm gonna hold a general election right here, right now. I am.

158. Are you sure that's a good idea? This is a very popular car.

159. There's a £30,000 premium on these at the moment.

160. You go ahead if you want.

161. Actually, no, I've suddenly decided that a general election

162. right now is a stupid idea because I might lose.

163. Why don't you just stay where you are and nick all my ideas?

164. That's a good idea. In fact, it was my idea to do just that.

165. - It's a great car. Fantastic car. - It's a brilliant car.

166. I've said that from the start.

167. We must now find out how fast this goes round our track,

168. and that means handing it over to our tame racing driver.

169. Some say that he's banned from the town of Chichester

170. and that in a recent late-night deal,

171. he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno

172. from the Duke of Edinburgh.

173. All we know is he's called The Stig.

174. And he's off. The track is looking a bit damp today.

175. I hope that won't hurt the time

176. as he powers down now to the first corner.

177. Lights twinkling like a Woolworth's sale there.

178. - Very smooth, very flat.

179. Oh, lovely.

180. Remember, that you are always in control.

181. No feelings of tension, irritability...

182. Stig seems to have got himself some self-help CDs

183. as he flicks it beautifully through Chicago Chassis.

184. Really is sublime.

185. Let's see how it copes with Hammerhead now.

186. Slow in, then back on the power.

187. No real drama at all!

188. In these conditions, it's just excellent.

189. Be aware only of yourself.

190. And have no concern for the thoughts or expectations of your partner.

191. Look, at that, straight through the follow-through,

192. no problem there. The same engine as the magnificent RS4.

193. This is so much more nimble.

194. Dances through the tyre wall. Okay, two corners left.

195. Staying level and focused. There isn't a single moment's drama in it.

196. Oh, a bit of mud on the apex. And there he is, across the line.

197. Now...

198. Now, earlier today...

199. Earlier today The Stig, okay, he took the Porsche round,

200. okay, so we could get a time for that.

201. We've got some footage of him coming up, I think,

202. to the second to last corner here. Yeah, there he is.

203. What you make of this, Richard?

204. Very good, very good. Very strong stuff, as I'd expect.

205. A-ha!

206. No! Well, it's my idea to say, as I've always said,

207. that the engine is in the wrong place in a Porsche and that was...

208. It was never my idea that you'd stolen that.

209. - No, no, it was my idea. - It wasn't.

210. Well, he went around again and he did it in one minute, 26.2 seconds.

211. Okay? Then he went out in the Audi.

212. One minute, 24.4 seconds.

213. I predicted that from the start, obviously.

214. Will you now admit that that is a better car?

215. - Yes, I do. - Yes!

216. - That is brilliant.

217. I... Yeah...

218. Yeah, I know...

219. A couple of years ago the three of us were asked to make amphibious cars

220. and, if we're honest, it didn't go all that well.

221. Um, James's Herald was pretty good on the water,

222. but then there were some problems on land.

223. Oh, cock!

224. Uh, Richard's Dampervan was rubbish on land

225. and then even more rubbish in the water.

226. it's going.

227. My toy boater, on the other hand, was brilliant everywhere,

228. right up to the moment when it, um, rolled over.

229. Now, that is pretty much par for the course on Top Gear.

230. We're always setting ourselves ambitious targets,

231. asking how hard can it be to make a convertible people-carrier,

232. or turn a Fiat Panda into a stretch limo.

233. And everything always ends up

234. either broken in half or on fire or sunk.

235. And then, we give up and move on.

236. But with amphibious cars, the producer said "no", we had to try again.

237. Hmm. They said no more fooling about, we had to concentrate.

238. We were told to refine our original ideas and then meet in a car park

239. near Sidcup, which is just outside London on the M24.

240. - BOTH: 5. - M5.

241. 25.

242. Jeremy was the first to arrive.

243. There we are. Now, obviously,

244. my original plan of simply bolting

245. a very large outboard engine to the back of a pick-up truck

246. worked very well.

247. Until it rolled over.

248. So to prevent that happening again

249. what I've done is I've welded up the doors much more thoroughly this time.

250. That should stop water getting into the cockpit

251. and sloshing from side to side.

252. In the back I've fitted these big drums,

253. which when I go in the water I simply lower them like this.

254. So they like sort of stabilises on a child's bicycle.

255. And that should give me more, um, um...

256. Um...

257. Stability. - Yes, that.

258. Next, Hammond arrived.

259. - Yeah. - Now, you see, Hammond...

260. - Yes? - What you've done there, mate,

261. is you've parked a van on top of a boat.

262. No, it's brilliant. Let me tell you,

263. it is a refinement of the theory.

264. Check it out, flying bridge, completely equipped.

265. - It's not a flying bridge. - More or less.

266. And this is where the girls go, up here...

267. - No, Richard. - ... in bikinis.

268. I'm already seeing the problem. Would you like to step down?

269. Yes.

270. - Stand at the wheel. Look ahead. - Yes.

271. - Yeah, that is an issue...

272. I need a box. I need a sailing box.

273. As before, Richard had stuck with the cabin cruiser principle.

274. And, as before, to make it move in the water,

275. he'd simply fixed a propeller

276. to the Volkswagen's rear-mounted engine.

277. So, as you're driving down the road, this propeller is turning?

278. - A bit. - Have you run the highways department

279. and told them that you're driving a car

280. - with effectively a blender on the back? - Yes.

281. And there was another issue.

282. - This is your hull. - Yes, it is.

283. - These are holes in it. - Fibreglass. Yes, they are, for the wheels to stick out.

284. I've seen Titanic. It got a hole in it. It sank.

285. Well, I've sealed them around the arches with a bit of foam.

286. Oh, I see. So if Titanic could've been filled with foam,

287. - it would've been here today? - Yeah, but they didn't know that.

288. It's technology. You can't knock them for that.

289. Fibre glass hull, predominantly, barely tips the scale at over five tons.

290. And the cooling?

291. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. There's that.

292. Jeremy then showed off his handy work.

293. - You've set fire to it. - There was a small fire.

294. - What happened? - The welding.

295. - Oh, yeah. - And then, while waiting for James...

296. Oh, again, ambitious.

297. So you're thinking of what to occupy yourself with

298. whilst out on the water.

299. Whilst you sink again.

300. No, not this time.

301. - It will. It will. - It won't. It won't.

302. - It will. - It just won't.

303. It just...

304. Some time, much later, James arrived in a flurry of deja-vu.

305. - It's the same vehicle. - The same car.

306. - Well, not exactly. - No, exactly the same car.

307. It is the same car and the reason for that is my car, if you remember,

308. - worked. - It didn't.

309. Every time you got to a low bridge, your mast was...

310. That did happen. - Ah!

311. Now I have a collapsible mast.

312. And I have a spinnaker and I also have a keel-come-centre-board.

313. How did you get that underneath it?

314. You drop it down through the slot

315. - like you do on a dinghy. - That's a whopper!

316. Have you seen this?

317. That's where the water will be.

318. The water will just simply... What's the word we're looking for?

319. come through there.

320. And you'll sink before you get your bit of wood into water.

321. Because I've calculated it.

322. Using Archimedes.

323. When a body is wholly or partially immersed in a fluid,

324. it experiences enough thrust equal in magnitude

325. to the mass of the fluid displaced.

326. This won't work.

327. We'd soon find out.

328. Thank you so much. Here's our challenge.

329. Come on, then.

330. - Is it bad? - Yes.

331. - No, really bad. - Go on.

332. You will now drive to Dover.

333. No. Not...

334. And then you will cross The Channel to France.

335. - That's just... - No, that's...

336. - What is it? 22 miles? - He's not making it up.

337. Mine won't do that.

338. If I'd known it was the sea, I'd have fitted a bigger anchor.

339. This is not really a sea-going anchor, is it?

340. - And a longer chain. - Yeah, I'm not going to need that.

341. Now this will sink in 30 feet.

342. I'm not sure. I reckon mine...

343. It will sink. We're all going to be killed.

344. - No. - We're going to be killed.

345. No, we're not. Because mine's essentially a dinghy.

346. And dinghies sail across The Channel every day.

347. I'm 47 years old. I'm going to be run down by a Korean grain carrier, minced.

348. Yeah, but what a day!

349. Before we could set off,

350. James had to take down his new collapsible mast.

351. Oh, timber! Oh, my God!

352. That's the lamp.

353. - Um... France, here we come.

354. - What's it actually caught on? The security camera.

355. So would you admit that your design is already flawed?

356. No.

357. Finally, we were on the road and it soon became clear

358. that all the additions had taken the edge off my Nissank's performance.

359. Come on.

360. Mind you, why was I hurrying.

361. I'm just going to ring a solicitor, do my last will and testament,

362. leave everything to the lifeboat people.

363. I can't believe they're asking us to go across The Channel in them.

364. I'm following Jeremy's pick-up and it looks like a man with a pick-up

365. who's stolen an outboard motor and a couple of oil drums

366. on the way to a fishing trip.

367. James, as usual, had fallen behind.

368. But otherwise, all was well in his world.

369. This is fantastic. I absolutely cannot wait

370. to try out my Triumph Herald

371. in its newly re-rigged form and sail across The Channel.

372. Why shouldn't it work?

373. I had just one crumb of comfort.

374. This time, mine was working on the road,

375. but then, the crumb went away.

376. Oh!

377. Unfortunately, solving the not-floating problem

378. with foam means you get another one which is choking.

379. Then, Jeremy arrived.

380. Hammond is being killed and mine is...

381. Well, it's hard to know, is that smoke or...

382. Well done. - Oh, dear!

383. Yeah, what you've done is fill your engine bay with foam.

384. - Hold on a minute. - And then, what it's done is catch fire.

385. Yeah. Okay.

386. - How's your engine? - Ruined.

387. Every single thing we do...

388. James, where is he? He isn't even here.

389. I don't know.

390. Hoping that the hot exhaust would

391. burn away all the foam without it

392. becoming a big ruinous fire, we pressed on.

393. Oh, God! Look at them.

394. They are worse than they were last time on the road.

395. And we got a much bigger challenge on the water.

396. Mind you, after five miles, Hammond was beyond caring.

397. It is like the West Indian dope smoking team

398. practising in the car.

399. Hello.

400. Eventually, the excess foam did burn off and soon we arrived in Dover.

401. People are looking. Yeah!

402. You know, one day, they're going to want one.

403. We would be launching from the slipway

404. once used by the giant cross-Channel hovercrafts.

405. Spread before it was Dover harbour.

406. And beyond the safety of its walls 22 miles of English Channel,

407. the busiest shipping lane in the world.

408. The fishing rods!

409. Amazingly, the only things that did actually break

410. on the Nissank's journey to Dover

411. were all its brakes.

412. I'm telling you, James, I cannot stop it.

413. I can't stop it.

414. By the time James had fixed his rudder

415. we were running late.

416. And the tide was coming in.

417. - It's ten to eight. - Yeah.

418. It's 22 miles.

419. If mine works, that's 25 minutes.

420. How fast do you think it goes?

421. - 40 knots. Get off!

422. Have you seen the size of the engine on the back of it?

423. - Your top speed? - Very slow.

424. - Four knots. - Yeah.

425. And there's a three-knot tide. It's a mile an hour.

426. Yeah.

427. - And you? - 20 knots.

428. No, James.

429. Look, the point is I'm the only one with even a vague hope

430. of getting there before nightfall.

431. Why don't we just go when the tide's going out?

432. Then it'll help us.

433. - That's a good idea. - That's tomorrow.

434. No, slack water.

435. Or slack water, yeah.

436. Slack water is tomorrow about 1:00. We shall go then!

437. - Yes! - We'll go to the pub now.

438. - Sound idea. Yeah. - We'll go to the pub now.

439. And then tomorrow, 1:00.

440. That will be us at slack water.

441. Because the water is slack.

442. What's slack water?

443. Honestly, crossing The Channel

444. has got to be just about the stupidest idea ever.

445. It's just one of those days where you've just had that sense,

446. "I'm going to end up today with hypothermia attached to a stomach pump."

447. Just awful.

448. We were all so paranoid about sinking,

449. that's why we put all that foam everywhere, to make them float better.

450. We wrapped it around the manifold, around the exhaust,

451. around the engine, around anywhere really hot,

452. basically, which is why there was all that smoke pouring out.

453. Anyway, it's now time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

454. My guest tonight was once suspended from Channel 4

455. for using the F-word on live television before the watershed.

456. - I mean, for... sake!

457. Ladies and gentlemen, Jools Holland.

458. - Oh, this is something! - Oh, lovely to see you.

459. Yes, it's like Richard Hammond,

460. so small and dinky.

461. Have a seat.

462. Thank you very much. I shall.

463. Now, you're the size of Richard Hammond.

464. - Yes. - But looking into your past life,

465. old British motor bikes, you play the piano,

466. you view foreign food with a suspicion,

467. you say that people shouldn't go abroad on their holiday

468. but should spend it in the shed.

469. Separated at birth, I think, from James May.

470. What a lovely fellow he is.

471. What a talented and great mind that man has.

472. It's very hard, though, for me to reconcile these views

473. with how I first remember seeing you

474. on The Tube, which was, of course, complete anarchy.

475. Well, that was in early happy days.

476. I think, in many ways, that was the first time that television was put

477. into the hands of the lunatics.

478. Now things have changed.

479. Well, it was the first time it sort of happened.

480. And we made it up as we went along and it was live.

481. And it was Friday,

482. it was 5:30, the pubs were open.

483. You had to do all of the interviews in a minute.

484. Well, that was the other thing,

485. because it was youth television, I suppose,

486. the beginning of youth television,

487. they thought everybody's attention span was that long.

488. So, we only had a minute to do anything.

489. We had Miles Davis,

490. one of the great jazz legends of all time, come up,

491. and he'd been promoting his drawings.

492. So he sat down.

493. They said, "You've got a minute to interview him."

494. I said, "But he's one of the biggest names in jazz ever."

495. I said, "Surely he's worth more than a minute."

496. They said, "All right, you can have a minute and 20."

497. So I sat and I said to him,

498. "Well, Mr Davis..." He's just got these great sort of sunglasses.

499. I said, "Would you connect your art to your music?"

500. He said, "Hmm..."

501. "Would I connect my art to my music?"

502. Ignore the pain.

503. "Yeah. That's a good question."

504. And I'm thinking... I don't want to interrupt.

505. And he said, "Would I connect my art to my music?

506. "Good." And then the woman behind...

507. They probably have them here.

508. They're probably doing it now, actually, as I'm saying this rather long story.

509. They go like this and then she's going...

510. It's going down to no time at all.

511. Then it's like this, and he said, "Yeah."

512. Now, 30 years ago, you were with Squeeze,

513. which was part of the punk era.

514. Do you miss the sort of gobbing?

515. If this was 1978, they would just be spitting on us.

516. It would just be a hailstorm of goz.

517. - But honestly, it was a compliment at the time. - It was.

518. - And then... - Feel free to goz on us.

519. That was back then, back in the day.

520. But then our manager, Miles Copeland said,

521. "Well, what you going to do to ingratiate yourself with anybody who's doing that?"

522. He said, "Look, there's some tins of beer at the side of the stage.

523. "Hand the tins of beer out."

524. So we did that and once they had the beer

525. - then they chucked the empty cans at us.

526. You even met Joey Ramone.

527. Does anyone here know who Joey Ramone is?

528. Yes. One person and that's enough because this is the BBC.

529. We're not going for ratings, we're going for the one man over there.

530. What was it like?

531. We were playing in this club called CBGB's

532. which was a sort of fantastic punk club.

533. After we finished, they said...

534. Ramone said, "Do you want to come down to this club?"

535. A very nice place called KZ's.

536. So we went there and I really have never been anywhere like it before or since.

537. Each and every room, there was an orgy or...

538. Drug-taking or some sort of absurd scenes.

539. It was like a strange film of Caligula or something.

540. Never seen anything like it.

541. Anyway, I was standing there talking to one of the Ramones.

542. I looked down and I was very surprised

543. to see that there was

544. one of the womenfolk of New York performing an act upon his person.

545. Do you know, he rather lost interest in what I was saying!

546. Unfortunately, we must now stop. No, we mustn't

547. because I tell you something, you've got this new album out, yeah?

548. Well, it's a lot of the best of the collaborations that we've done.

549. I've done lots of collaborations, it's the best one.

550. - We've got a clip of it. - Oh, my word.

551. Just to show how many people this guy actually plays with.

552. - Sorry about the telly, but here we go. - No, that's all right.

553. Play the tape.

554. That's everybody.

555. My only regret is that you're not there playing the drums.

556. Trust me. There would've been people wrapping their keyboards round my neck,

557. if I'd been trying to keep time.

558. - Now, cars. - Motors, now you're talking.

559. The thing that fascinates me most about your cars is that I heard that you choose a car

560. - on how it smells. - Oh, very important.

561. - For instance, I've got an Austin Westminster... - Hmm.

562. bought entirely because of its smell.

563. 1965, as used by the police.

564. I don't know how they ever caught anybody in it.

565. You wind down the window just this much and then...

566. Law and Order, 1965. It's beautiful!

567. - That's what it smells of? - Exactly.

568. So, what other cars have you got?

569. I have an old Aston Martin. They're quite fun.

570. - You've got an E-type. - An E-type. I love it. Yes.

571. I've always liked Jags. I thought Jags were so wonderful to drive.

572. The V12 Jag engine is,

573. to this day, the smoothest engine that there has ever been and I've done the

574. thrupenny bit test on all of them.

575. You get the thrupenny bit, you place it on top of the engine.

576. This thrupenny bit's not rhyming slang now. We're talking about...

577. That's right! Oh, it matters little.

578. - What an amazing thing to do! - Whatever comes to hand.

579. Yeah, what a test.

580. And It'll stand there and you can rev it up, and it doesn't bat an eyelid.

581. You're a member of a great many classic car clubs, as I understand.

582. Let's see now. Well, the E-type Club, of course.

583. You know, the Jag... Philip Porter, fantastic club.

584. The Rolls-Royce enthusiasts.

585. The Bentley Drivers Club.

586. Very good for spare parts.

587. You can get a Bentley Drivers Club dressing-gown

588. - which you can only... - You can get a Porsche pipe!

589. Only recognisable by another Bentley Drivers Club person.

590. If you're in dressing gowns together.

591. That's a real worry, now, you've just said that.

592. I must introduce you. You must come out with us one evening.

593. On one of our Noggins and Natters

594. and cheese niblet evenings we have.

595. Anyway, listen. Your lap.

596. Your first attempt, not that good.

597. Who would like to see of his very first attempt at a lap?

598. Yes! - Let's have a look at this.

599. Here we go.

600. Coming out to the first corner, a lot of speed being carried

601. - in that I would say. Yes!

602. I just thought...

603. I just like the way you just kept going

604. because actually I don't think the brake lights went on.

605. There didn't seem any...

606. Can we can play that again? Here we go. No, look!

607. - This is fine! - Let's get out of here, exactly.

608. I'm very much built for comfort, not for speed.

609. I have to say that any man who drives with that kind of enthusiasm and bravery,

610. we'll possibly get a good lap out of him.

611. Well, I don't know, I was rather nervous.

612. Good. Shall we find out. Shall we have a look at the lap?

613. Yeah. - Here we go, play the tape.

614. - It's a good aggressive start.

615. I want to see the first corner. Did you learn your lesson?

616. Yeah... Oh, it's still pretty quick.

617. Oh, no, braking in there, that was quite brave...

618. Oh,

619. Just said that before the watershed.

620. I'd forgotten that I was being mic-ed up in there.

621. Did you like the car?

622. It was fantastic. What a car!

623. Isn't it? - Yeah.

624. Wait, there's a gear there somewhere. - Somewhere exactly.

625. We saw you looking.

626. - And into the Hammerhead. - The Hammerhead, yes.

627. That's very good. That's excellent.

628. That's a properly good line through there.

629. Well...

630. Now coming up to the follow-through.

631. Flat through there. Were you flat out?

632. That is quite frightening, that part.

633. It is quite frightening.

634. And that is why it's called the follow-through.

635. And through the tyres. Yes, it's looking good.

636. That's the second-to-last corner, most people get it wrong.

637. You've held it on nicely.

638. Coming up to the last corner...

639. And there we are, across the line!

640. Now, where do you think you came on the Board Of Shame?

641. The Board Of Shame where I've always dreamed of being.

642. This is the keyboard man.

643. I think my birthday's around the same time as him

644. so I'll put myself in keyboard corner there.

645. - Keyboard corner? No, you're way faster than that. - Oh.

646. I'm delighted to say

647. you did it in 1...

648. - ... 49.9. - Oh! Oh!

649. Ladies and gentlemen, that is a quick time.

650. - There! - Oh!

651. Not... Surely... Surely not faster than Steve Coogan.

652. Faster than Steve Coogan,

653. that's a very good time.

654. Anyway, it's been just great fun having you here.

655. It's been lovely here. I've enjoyed it...

656. Squeeze, The Tube and music, and cars as well.

657. - Ladies and gentlemen, Jools Holland! - Thank you very much.

658. Thank you very much, that's great.

659. Okay, now back to tonight's big challenge.

660. The three of us have built amphibious cars.

661. We've driven them down to Dover

662. with only one or two small fires to content with on the way.

663. When we left the action we were preparing to sail them across The Channel to France.

664. Last time we tried amphibious cars,

665. we were flummoxed by a small reservoir in Staffordshire.

666. This time we faced not just 22 miles of open sea,

667. but the busiest shipping lane in the world.

668. Nevertheless, we were due to set sail at something called Slack Water.

669. It was a lovely morning and the sea inside the harbour was calm and inviting.

670. Outside the harbour though...

671. Despite the roughness, Captain Cocksure was supremely confident

672. in his engineering, and eager to get going.

673. Hammond and I, however, weren't.

674. Have you ever considered the meaning of life?

675. No, but I think we should.

676. - And now's the time. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

677. This is ready. I've checked it for water tightness.

678. I've got all the sheets, which is the correct nautical term

679. for these pieces of string, in the right position.

680. It is all absolutely shipshape and ready to go.

681. How many grains of sugar are there?

682. That's exactly what I would... Did you know that...

683. We say blindly, "I'll have one sugar."

684. - How many are there? - 1...

685. - Yeah. - ... two...

686. - ... 118. - ... 2...

687. - ... 119. - ... 3...

688. Have you started again?

689. Yeah, I lost count. I want to get it right.

690. We have to go.

691. That thing's gonna leave, then the harbour's empty. I want to go.

692. Finally, they arrived back.

693. - You're two and three quarter hours late! - No.

694. - A lot of stuff to do. - Slack water is in...

695. - Now... ish. - In the sea.

696. Listen, before we set off, I've just got

697. - a few more things to do. - Oh.

698. The night before while a bit drunk I'd stuck hydrofoil bin lids

699. to the side of my pick-up and I needed to make sure the glue had set.

700. But James wouldn't wait.

701. Right, I'm going.

702. He's going. Oh, he's off.

703. He's going. He's doing it.

704. It's a car! It's still a car.

705. It's a... boat?

706. Sail, jib sail.

707. You're coming back now, it's a car again.

708. Centreboard.

709. - He's got no rudder. It's that way.

710. - He's got no rudder in the water. Oh, yeah.

711. And Dame Ellen May had another problem.

712. The centreboard's stuck.

713. He's got further that way than he has that way.

714. I'm enjoying this.

715. I was so preoccupied with my centreboard,

716. I wasn't looking where I was going.

717. Oh, my, he's gonna hit the pier. He's going to hit the pier.

718. Here comes the rescue boat.

719. He's been rescued after what...

720. a minute and a half.

721. It's so unfair!

722. The rescue boat nudged me back to open water

723. where I discovered my Archimedes calculations were a bit out.

724. I would say that car's sinking as well.

725. Mayday!

726. He's going down, I think we should get in there.

727. This can only go well.

728. Here we go.

729. Oh, yeah!

730. Once again, the pick-up truck is working.

731. Yes!

732. It works! I am floating!

733. Amazingly, all three of us were floating.

734. Well, when I say three...

735. It's going down.

736. Richard offered to pick James up but he had a problem.

737. You can't stop.

738. No, I can't stop the engine.

739. See you then! - Oh, bloody hell!

740. Do you want to come on this boat?

741. Up to a point, yes.

742. Will you admit it's a brilliant piece of design.

743. - No. Bugger off. - Goodbye!

744. Richard and I returned to land because we wanted to be there

745. to offer James reassurance and sympathy.

746. You designed a rubbish car

747. and you know nothing about sailing.

748. Amazingly, however, James insisted that his Herald

749. and the snapped mast could be fixed.

750. And so, with help

751. from me and Jeremy...

752. Two hours later, he was back in business.

753. Here we go.

754. Let's go!

755. This is absolutely brilliant.

756. I'm actually using my weight to counter the roll of the craft.

757. - Ow!

758. Is that your top speed?

759. I'm flat out.

760. Even so, I was a lot faster than James.

761. So Jeremy and I left him behind

762. and pretty soon we were at the mouth of the harbour,

763. facing the open sea.

764. That's choppy out there.

765. I can't do that. Not in a van!

766. Mate, it's horrible!

767. Maybe if we snuck up on it...

768. Yeah. Sneak up on the sea!

769. That's brilliant.

770. Meanwhile, back with Captain Pugwash...

771. Sod it!

772. Right now, sail.

773. Ow!

774. We were leaving the harbour.

775. You can't see what's coming, I can!

776. I can just see sky, sea, sky, sea...

777. Whoa!

778. My God, this is big now.

779. Quite scared.

780. Quite scared.

781. Quite really scared!

782. Why the bloody hell won't it turn round?

783. Ow! thing.

784. Whoa, it's coming through the sun roof.

785. I'm gonna try and turn.

786. Bloody hell!

787. Oh!

788. These are quite big. - Don't like that.

789. Don't turn on a wave!

790. Wait... Or something.

791. I don't know, I got scared.

792. Oh, my God.

793. No, no, no...

794. In seas like this, and with my puny power,

795. I bravely decided to head back to the harbour.

796. Then Jeremy bravely followed suit.

797. Mayday!

798. Ow!

799. Is it not working well, James?

800. Have you ever heard of the milk of human kindness?

801. Well, prepare to suckle on it.

802. - Thank you.

803. Sorry, mate.

804. As Jeremy rescued James,

805. I realised that the big seas had damaged my precious craft.

806. My steering's broken.

807. I just go in faster circles.

808. I was stuck in the entrance to the harbour.

809. Oh, my God, there is the Seacat.

810. He can move.

811. But he continued on course and now James was a sitting duck as well.

812. No time to lose. What do you want me to do?

813. Just nudge the front gently back to port.

814. I can't get in!

815. Come on, onto the helm, you bitch!

816. I can't do gently.

817. That's not round, that's backwards, you pillock.

818. I don't want to go that way now!

819. Go left!

820. And then...

821. Oh, not another one.

822. Never in maritime history has a ship had to dodge

823. so much flotsam and jetsam while coming into Dover.

824. Sorry, it was him. Sorry. Sorry.

825. And this made us be in trouble.

826. - Morning, Officer.

827. Yeah, fine thank you, everything is under control.

828. We were ordered back to land,

829. but getting there wasn't easy.

830. Mate, my engine is letting go.

831. It's dying. There's no doubt about it.

832. The Herald was towed back again.

833. Gently!

834. And I pulled Richard in.

835. That's humiliating.

836. So we set out for France, twice? Yeah.

837. And... We made Dover.

838. James's boat was now beyond repair.

839. But, luckily, Jeremy was on hand to comfort him.

840. You failed!

841. Thank you!

842. Third attempt, here we go.

843. Today the wind had dropped and the sea was much calmer.

844. We're going to France this time, we are going.

845. I was now powered by an outboard

846. I'd bought from Jeremy for a million pounds,

847. and James was my cabin boy.

848. - If you'd go below, please, cabin boy, and a cup of tea. - Right-o, sir.

849. Oi, Prescott!

850. I'll have a bacon sandwich.

851. Richard's million-pound outboard wasn't exactly gutsy,

852. so, in the spirit of the sea and in keeping with the maritime code,

853. I gunned it and left them behind.

854. Oh, she's riding the waves like a twig.

855. Meanwhile, back on the cabin cruiser...

856. Bloody hell!

857. - Mate? What?

858. There's quite a lot of water, it's up to... - Not again.

859. As you can see this morning the sea is a mill pond.

860. We're hoping to capitalise on that and make good progress

861. before the waves build up, which they inevitably will.

862. This is the third time I've been in this ruddy sea. Yeah.

863. Technically, it wasn't my fault.

864. I'm disappointed, I thought we were gonna make it.

865. Sorry, mate, the cup sank.

866. With typical good grace,

867. Jeremy came back to pick us up and then announced

868. we'd have to go back to Dover.

869. This seemed like a waste of time

870. but as we lined up for our fourth attempt, his reasoning became clear.

871. A couple of years ago Richard Branson set a record

872. for crossing The Channel in an amphibious car.

873. One hour, forty minutes, six seconds.

874. And?

875. No way!

876. It's an average speed of 10.8 knots.

877. So we go for it, we give it a shot? - In Calais for lunch.

878. Beardy, you're going down.

879. Guys, can I ask one question. What?

880. Where's France?

881. We follow the ferry, but not the one going to Holland.

882. Soon the three men in a boat were an incredible two miles from England.

883. Since we were going for a record, we had to work out our speed.

884. This is our speedometer. We've tied knots in a rope, you throw it in

885. and you see how many pass through your fingers in a given time.

886. It's a very accurate system.

887. Captain, about 110 knots.

888. 110, what's that in miles an hour?

889. 125.

890. Because we were blasting along at a steady 125 miles an hour,

891. we had a visit from the coastguard.

892. (ON PA) This is the UK coastguard aircraft, please state your intentions.

893. Our intentions are to go across The Channel

894. faster than Beardy Branson.

895. In that case, I wish you good luck and bon voyage.

896. I want to do that for a job!

897. That's brilliant and then all you do is jump out and wrestle Albanians.

898. Amazingly, our vessel ploughed on without mishap and then...

899. Land ahoy!

900. France!

901. We can see France

902. from our pick-up truck.

903. Mind you, Jeremy, do you want to be depressed?

904. What? Look at England.

905. Boldly going further than any pick-up had gone before

906. we were soon in the shipping lanes.

907. Bloody hell, what do we do now?

908. I can't remember whose right of way it is.

909. I think, that's on what's called a constant bearing as well,

910. which means we're gonna hit it.

911. Oh, God, no!

912. Do you reckon I'll maybe go behind it? Yeah, I'd go behind it.

913. Yeah, yeah, I think behind it is best.

914. Having missed all the big, scary boats

915. we turned our attention back to Branson's record.

916. Ready, ready, one hour 40 minutes coming up now!

917. - We've failed! We lost.

918. Now it was just a question of seeing if we could make it,

919. but with eight miles to go it started to get choppy.

920. We're going down, boys. - No!

921. It's pouring in!

922. Oh my God, look in there now.

923. I don't like that!

924. We're in big trouble!

925. I don't like this!

926. Things were even worse at the back.

927. We're taking on a hell of a lot of water.

928. So we sent James to the front to act as ballast.

929. I'm getting a bit bored with sinking, frankly.

930. Mercifully, as we got into the lee or something or other,

931. the waters calmed and we could taste success.

932. The town of Sangatte was about to get three more immigrants.

933. Never mind that we'd aimed for Calais and missed.

934. France is France.

935. Come on! Come on!

936. We're 20 yards from France.

937. To succeed, we had to get up the boat ramp,

938. but that meant going through the breakers.

939. No! No!

940. Where's that come from?

941. I really thought we were gonna tip over.

942. We're on the rocks.

943. We're going up the beach now.

944. Skilfully, James got a rope round the front bumper

945. and then, a gap in the waves, I went for it.

946. No!

947. That's good.

948. The pick-up had landed.