Top Gear 10x10

1. Tonight, the great, the good and the rubbish

2. in theTop Gear Awards.

3. We go on a motoring holiday with The Stig,

4. and Doctor Who travels through space and time

5. a bit more slowly than usual.

6. Speed up!

7. Hello and welcome!

8. Thank you so much, thank you.

9. Wow! Now, we begin with James May

10. who has found a car that seems to make him rather cross.

11. This is the culprit.

12. The Jaguar S-Type.

13. This car really, really winds me up.

14. It sums up everything that's wrong with Jaguar.

15. You see, what they did with the S-Type was to make a car

16. that they hoped would appeal to Germans and Americans

17. and, you may ask, what's wrong with that?

18. Well, quite a lot, actually.

19. You see, Mr Jonathan Foreigner has this ridiculously outdated view of what Britain is.

20. He thinks we all live in Anne Hathaway's cottage

21. and then go out to ye olde tearooms

22. where we eat some Kendal Mint Cake.

23. Then maybe we'll go out and find a red phone box

24. and ring up some beefeaters in the Tower of London,

25. to see if we can have our bowler hats back.

26. It's rubbish!

27. And Jaguar absolutely pandered to this view with the S-Type.

28. Just look at that retro grille,

29. it's gawpingly awful.

30. Now, I've been banging on about this for years.

31. And maybe, at last, they've listened.

32. Because this is the replacement for the S-Type...

33. the Jaguar XF.

34. As soon as you look at it you think,

35. "Ah, that's more like it."

36. You look at the new grille and the subtly bulging bonnet

37. and the gills on the side.

38. Then there's the back,

39. which looks as though it came from the XK.

40. Sounds like an XK as well. You ready?

41. This is the first time since I started this job

42. that I've been in a Jaguar saloon

43. and felt that I was in the right decade.

44. In Beverly Hills, your retired dentist, he's going to have a heart attack

45. because, "That's not proper Jaguar."

46. Well, so be it.

47. And there are more treats on the inside.

48. Imagine you're a bank manager.

49. Now, in the olden days you'd have climbed into your Jaguar,

50. checked your parting in your reflection in the polished woodwork of your fascia,

51. and then you'd have been on your way.

52. Now though...

53. The first thing you notice is this

54. red starter button pulsating like a heartbeat.

55. You touch that once to turn the ignition on,

56. and you're immediately bathed in this beautiful

57. pale blue light,

58. like something from a funky vodka bar

59. and then, look at that!

60. Look at those opening.

61. Put your foot on the brake,

62. press it again to start the engine...

63. and this thing rises up from the centre console.

64. That is actually the gear change.

65. I know none of that is strictly necessary,

66. but as you watch it you can feel all those years

67. of financial drudgery just falling away

68. until your 12 years old and back in the world of Thunderbirds.

69. However, once you look past all this futuristic garnish,

70. it's not quite so Tomorrow's World.

71. Under the skin, the basic structure is from the old S-Type,

72. and the suspension is from the XK.

73. The engines are also pretty old hat.

74. We've still got the V6 diesel, the V6 petrol

75. and the V8 petrol,

76. with or without the supercharger,

77. and they've been around for donkey's years.

78. As Clarkson pointed out when he drove the XK,

79. you get the sense that Jaguar is pushing the limits

80. not of its technology

81. but of its overdraft.

82. But, if you were to keep any old bits, it'd be these

83. because for a saloon, this is superb.

84. It goes like a four-door XK.

85. It has the supercharger on the 4.2-litre V8,

86. and it'll do nought to 60 in 5.1 seconds.

87. But interestingly this isn't the most powerful version they're going to make.

88. There will be a Jaguar XFR,

89. with even more power.

90. And you can guess who'll be driving that one.

91. If I have one criticism,

92. it's that the ride in this SV8 version

93. is harder than you'd expect from a Jaguar.

94. But it still wipes the floor with the Audi A6.

95. And when it comes to value for money,

96. it duffs up the BMW 5 Series too.

97. Every model in the range comes with leather,

98. the excellent paddle-shift automatic gearbox,

99. touch-screen Sat Nav, electric seats, decent alloys

100. and "Blueteeth".

101. For years the sleek and modern Germans were having it easy,

102. because all we had to take them on was Cholmondley-Warner.

103. Now though, we have this.

104. Make no mistake, the XF is very good,

105. but more than that,

106. it means Jaguar has finally found the balls

107. to make a saloon that belongs in the present.

108. The BMW M3 is the world's best-selling performance car.

109. And is driven exclusively by clots.

110. - That doesn't matter. - No, It does, honestly,

111. because every single one of them

112. talks about marketing and solutions and paradigm.

113. And they've all got those ridiculous mobile phone earpieces in.

114. Yeah, he's right.

115. The point is there's a new one out.

116. To see if it's any good, I took it to Spain

117. to The Stig's favourite holiday resort.

118. Behind tough security, to keep out the riffraff,

119. there are pleasant gardens where he can relax,

120. a pool where he can unwind,

121. and in the evening a top-notch restaurant,

122. where he can gorge on meat.

123. It's a lovely spot with excellent views,

124. and, oh, yes, nearly forgot.

125. In the grounds,

126. there's a five and a half kilometre race track.

127. It was built as a plaything by a Dutch oil billionaire

128. and features copies of some of the best corners

129. from other race tracks around the world.

130. It is a fantastic place.

131. But the car I'm driving is even better.

132. The last M3 had a straight-six engine.

133. This has a four-litre V8.

134. But don't think for a minute

135. it's become a big, lazy muscle car.

136. Yes, it's a big V8, but it revs at 8,300 rpm.

137. It's such a screamer.

138. That said, it is softer than the old car.

139. And more forgiving,

140. but it's also noticeably faster and cleverer.

141. You can actually change the feel of the car

142. and the performance on the iDrive control system.

143. Meanwhile the M differential gets busy at the back

144. to keep the power going to exactly the right place

145. at exactly the right time.

146. Sometimes it will even lock the rear wheels together,

147. so you can pull spectacular tail slides.

148. Even if your fists are made of ham.

149. I love this car.

150. Get out of the way!

151. - That'll be Jeremy then. - Here I come.

152. This is Mercedes' answer to the M3.

153. It's the AMG C-Class and it's not a car,

154. it's a complete animal.

155. Oh! Cripes!

156. You don't really drive this car, you cling on for dear life!

157. Sure, the new M3 has a top-notch conventional weapon under the bonnet

158. but this, this has a nuke.

159. It's a 6.2 litre V8.

160. It's not the full-fat 6.2 they put in their bigger cars.

161. But even this semi-skimmed version

162. has 450 brake horsepower.

163. So the 'umph' is as phenomenal as the noise it makes.

164. Listen to that!

165. It's not only louder, more powerful

166. and more exciting than the M3,

167. but it's simpler as well.

168. It even has an automatic gear box.

169. I will admit, however, that there are one or two things

170. I'm not sure about.

171. It's not a very pretty car.

172. I don't like the way Merc has copied BMW's iDrive system,

173. their old control centre was better, it was easier to use.

174. And then, rising above all this,

175. is the problem

176. with the traction control.

177. When it's on, it's constantly interfering,

178. every time you go near the throttle.

179. Eventually, of course, you become impatient and turn it off.

180. But be advised, if you do that,

181. you'd better be awake.

182. Oops-a-daisy.

183. I've got it. There we are... Oh, dear. No.

184. This is just an axe murderer with headlights.

185. And I absolutely adore it.

186. This is mental.

187. Jeremy, there's more to life than a big shouty engine.

188. - No, there isn't. - There is.

189. I'm sorry, but the whole point of an M3

190. is you can't really tell it isn't an ordinary BMW.

191. Look at this, it's got M3 written here, it's got grooves...

192. It's got more trinkets on it than a pensioner's mantelpiece.

193. I'm sorry, you cannot pitch up in

194. your sparkly disco glitter ball...

195. Nobody ever said a Mercedes had to be restrained.

196. Tell me you like the chrome. Honestly.

197. I don't like the chrome very much.

198. Well, that's all there is.

199. Sunshine roof. Oh, you haven't got one.

200. - What the hell? - What?

201. - What's this? - Carbon fibre.

202. Carbon fibre roof?

203. It's to keep the centre of gravity low,

204. because it keeps the weight down in the car,

205. it's light, that helps the balance.

206. That's why this is such a good car.

207. - Makes you look like a cock. - Like your chrome is gonna help.

208. Both of those cars are ostentatious and ghastly.

209. Which is why, if you want a small, fast, German saloon,

210. you'd have one of these.

211. It's an Audi RS4.

212. It may have been around for a couple of years now,

213. but I have to say, it's still marvellous.

214. It has a 4.2 litre V8, which produces the same power as Hammond's M3

215. but without drawing quite so much attention to itself.

216. The exhaust note is like a tribute to Pavarotti.

217. Listen to this.

218. Sonorous. It's not like that "Look at me!" racket

219. coming out the back of Jeremy's idiotic Mercedes.

220. In any case, why would you want a car that's trying to kill you?

221. And unlike Hammond's BMW, it isn't smothered in gaudy tinsel.

222. It's quiet, it's discreet.

223. It's got absolutely nothing to prove.

224. It's sort of at home with Andy McNab.

225. The ride is good,

226. the four-wheel drive system keeps you out of the crash barriers,

227. and you don't need an IT qualification to operate it.

228. Wa-hey!

229. - How many gears have you got? - Six.

230. Seven. So, that's one better.

231. That's too many.

232. - What do you mean it's two? It is actually. It is. Oh, hello.

233. Has the captain arrived? - I believe so. In an Audi.

234. - This Audi is a very, very good car. - Couldn't agree with you more.

235. I remember when I drove this a couple of years ago, I actually believed

236. that that was one of the greatest engines ever made.

237. But you cannot ignore the engine in that Mercedes.

238. You just can't.

239. Nobody saw a 6.2 litre...

240. With 6.3 written on the side.

241. That's just history... - Is it a 6.2?

242. Yes. - It says 6.3 on it.

243. - Yes, because that's history and tradition. - It's lying.

244. - It's just a random number. It isn't.

245. Instead of bickering,

246. we decided to get scientific and discuss practicality.

247. First things first, I'll just get in the back.

248. Yeah! Yes, all right!

249. There is a four-door version coming.

250. And the rear legroom is?

251. Plentiful. Pitiful.

252. The Audi.

253. And... Oh, deary me!

254. If we pop this seat into my driving position...

255. That's hardly a fair test.

256. Do you want to hop in, Richard?

257. I'd love to! Oh, I can't. I've got legs!

258. We could have argued all day, but when it comes to practicality,

259. the facts are the facts.

260. The Mercedes has the biggest engine, the most gears,

261. the most space in the front, the most space in the back,

262. and the biggest boot.

263. The end.

264. After this momentous victory for the Mercedes,

265. I decided we should have a drag race.

266. I'm actually, for the first time in one of our drag races,

267. genuinely tense about this.

268. I want this car to win.

269. Don't lose! Don't lose, mad car.

270. If I take the handbrake off,

271. that'll increase my chances.

272. I'm not going to win this. I'm going to humiliate them.

273. Despite its four-wheel drive system, the Audi took the lead.

274. I'm winning, I'm winning.

275. And then lost it.

276. Come on, come on!

277. Come on, baby, come on.

278. How did that happen?

279. Rock 'n' roll!

280. No, no, no!

281. Loser!

282. Oh!

283. That's a pointless and irrelevant test.

284. James and Richard were annoyed.

285. They'd lost out to the Merc's superior practicality

286. and its straight-line performance.

287. Desperate for a victory, James got out his tape measure

288. to try and find any area where the Audi was best.

289. I'm measuring the steering wheel to see whose is fattest.

290. Meanwhile, Richard hauled me into the circuit's conference suite,

291. for a PowerPoint presentation.

292. Right, what I've got here is a graph

293. showing the torque curves for each of the three cars.

294. You're only doing this on a PowerPoint so M3 drivers know what you're on about.

295. - No, It's the easiest way to show it. - No. You don't.

296. "What do you want for supper tonight, darling?" "I'll get the laptop out.

297. "As you can see on this graph, 40% of me

298. - "wants shepherd's pie with peas..." - Shut up.

299. "... 60% wants lamb chops.

300. - "That's an year on year increase..." - Shut up and pay attention.

301. This is useful information. These are the torque curves.

302. That's your Mercedes, that's the Audi, that's the BMW.

303. Jezza's wing mirrors are an inch bigger than mine.

304. So, the blue line is the Mercedes and that's on the top.

305. You've immediately assumed, being you, that higher up the graph is better.

306. - Is it? - Yes, it is. Yes.

307. Hammond's are two foot as well.

308. I've got the smallest windscreen wipers.

309. - Right, have you got power? - Yes, I have.

310. Yes. Look at the blue line!

311. It's not as simple as that. You've got to look at the...

312. Yeah, you're...

313. - You've lost. - I have.

314. Yes!

315. My gear stick's got the biggest knob diameter by half an inch.

316. You are such a child!

317. I am a child, I admit.

318. Anyway,

319. we're gonna pick that up later on because now it's time

320. to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.

321. My guest tonight needs no introduction

322. because he's Doctor Who! Ladies and gentlemen, David Tennant!

323. - How are you? - Very good, very good.

324. - Have a seat. - Thank you.

325. You are like a good-looking version of Richard Hammond.

326. The smoking jacket thing...

327. This is new for you today. I've never worn this before.

328. - This is new too. - Will you be wearing that again?

329. No.

330. It's so nice to have a good-looking chap in that chair for once.

331. And popular too. Two years you've won

332. the most popular television actor

333. at the National Television Awards, am I right?

334. I think that might be accurate, yes.

335. I didn't spoil it for you this year by telling you

336. you'd won while the nominations...

337. - Is that what that meant? - Yeah.

338. I may have actually got all the winners and losers before

339. and I had a great evening telling all the losers...

340. Now, um...

341. as a kid, is it true you wanted to be Doctor Who?

342. Didn't everyone who grew up in the '70s?

343. I thought they did. Yeah, I did, desperately...

344. I wanted to be Julie Christie's underwear.

345. I don't know where to go with that.

346. Wherever you like.

347. You wanted to be the Doctor.

348. I did, yeah. I thought that would be quite a laugh.

349. Then I grew up and thought, that's never going to happen, that's absurd,

350. but I'd quite like to be an actor.

351. Then, funnily enough, it came back round again.

352. - Who would have thought it? - I know.

353. You took your name from... Is it Neil Tennant, is that right?

354. It sort of is. I was 16 when I joined Equity, the actors' union.

355. There's a rule that there's not allowed to be two actors with the same name.

356. So, David McDonald, which is my real name, was disallowed.

357. So, at 16, I thought, where do you find a new name from?

358. So I looked in Smash Hits.

359. Because that's what you read when you're 16, isn't it?

360. It's a good job it wasn't Madonna.

361. - Yes. - You'd look ridiculous then.

362. So that was it... I read somewhere...

363. How many times have you auditioned for Taggart?

364. Oh, about 26.

365. - No way. - Yeah.

366. I went up for Taggart every week in my life

367. when I lived in Scotland and they never gave me a part.

368. You must be the only Scottish person who's never been in Taggart.

369. Some people have played four different murderers!

370. So we've got the Christmas special, obviously.

371. What's the storyline?

372. It's a kind of big disaster movie, really.

373. The Titanichas crashed through the walls of the Tardis.

374. At the end of the last series, you might have caught that.

375. And mayhem ensues from there on in.

376. Kylie Minogue is serving as a waitress on the Titanic.

377. - She gets swept up. - By you?

378. - Yeah, a little bit. Um...

379. - Because I know you've got two hearts. - Yeah.

380. So, have you got two...

381. You'll have to ask Kylie.

382. Well, Billie Piper calls you David Ten-Inch, doesn't she?

383. That could be two fives... It could be...

384. God bless her for it.

385. - Yeah. - Yeah.

386. Have you ever asked about the details of the Tardis?

387. - Do you know how it works? - Of course I do.

388. - How does it work? - You wouldn't understand.

389. - Try me.

390. It's very complicated.

391. Is it? Is there some maths?

392. It's got a lot to do with a gravitic anomaliser.

393. - Yeah, I thought it would do. - Yeah.

394. What's its top speed?

395. Er, well, it's relative.

396. As is time.

397. Ah!

398. - All right. Cars. - Yeah.

399. Occasionally, we have people on with pretty poor car histories.

400. - Yeah, sure. - James Blunt springs immediately to mind.

401. It was one and it was a Lada.

402. - Right. - You talk us through it.

403. My first car, Ford Fiesta.

404. Second car?

405. Ford Escort.

406. - We're moving up. - Yeah.

407. And then?

408. And then, I had a Skoda.

409. - You see, it's still a punch line, isn't it? - It is.

410. - Why? It's a good car. - They are good cars.

411. - Is it a modern or an old Skoda? - It's a modern Skoda.

412. - It's a modern non-comedy... - To be fair, I still have the Skoda.

413. - You do! - Yeah.

414. - Doctor Who has a Skoda. - Yes.

415. - What sort of Skoda is it? - Skoda Octavia Ambiente.

416. It was the best car I had until recently when it went in for a service

417. and came back with a list of things as long as your arm,

418. which suddenly made it not financially viable any more.

419. So, you haven't got the Skoda?

420. I do still have it but I'm trading it in next week.

421. By the time this actually broadcasts,

422. I'll have done the exchange. So they won't see it.

423. It'll be too late. They'll have got it by then.

424. Someone will be going, "I've got Doctor Who's

425. "It doesn't work!

426. "What are all these flashing lights?"

427. Okay, now, I understand that you've been... How can I put this?

428. Whinging about when Billie Piper came here, about her lap.

429. And how you think she may have cut the corner a little bit.

430. - To be fair, Jeremy... - Yeah?

431. I've seen it. She clearly drove a track that she made up.

432. - You're right. She did make it up.

433. And then you said,

434. we're going to have to deduct,

435. - or add a few extra seconds for you. - We did.

436. We did say that.

437. Then she just kind of battered her eyelids at you...

438. and her time stands.

439. Actually, the main reason was...

440. She had a completely see-through top on.

441. I can't deduct points for that.

442. - Could you? - Listen, Billie's very charming...

443. Mmm.

444. I've been on the receiving end of her eyelid-fluttering...

445. Yeah.

446. It butters many parsnips. But...

447. I just know she'll beat me now and I'll never hear the end of it!

448. We don't know. We don't know whether you've cut corners or anything.

449. All I do know, is that you did have

450. a bit of a problem with third gear.

451. Yeah.

452. Who'd like to see David's problems with third gear?

453. - Yes? Yes!

454. Let's play this.

455. Third gear, come on, find it. There it is.

456. Where are you, third gear? Thank you.

457. Come on, third gear, you loony.

458. Fourth. Come on.

459. Third gear, where are you?

460. Oh, there you are.

461. It wouldn't go in!

462. Do you know where third gear was after he finished that particular session?

463. It was all over the track.

464. - I broke the car, didn't I?

465. - You broke third gear. - Yeah.

466. - So we got you the spare car. - Yeah.

467. And who would like to see what he did to that?

468. Yeah! - Here we go!

469. That's a good fast start with a lot of wheel spin and some Scottish mist.

470. Yeah.

471. Coming down to the first corner.

472. What am I looking at the wing mirror for? There's no one behind me!

473. - It's good highway-code sense. - It is.

474. And across the zebra very fast.

475. That's probably a bit too fast in there.

476. That was bad! That was bad!

477. Yeah. It is the understeer. You've got to kill that understeer

478. by being slower to go faster.

479. It sounds ridiculous but it's true.

480. I know, and I could hear The Stig in my head every time I messed up.

481. This is better. Yeah! Look at that!

482. - That's a very good hammerhead. It's pretty good.

483. - Speed up!

484. It does look slower on the telly

485. than it is when you're in the car.

486. Get right out to the edge, like they tell you. Third gear, come on!

487. No! Fourth through there!

488. Fourth through the tyres. Yes, that's a good line.

489. It's good I made the camera wobble.

490. Braking. Third gear. Braking.

491. - That's a bit slow. Quite pedestrian actually through there.

492. That's very slow.

493. Here we go, round Gambon.

494. Faster. There we go, and across the line!

495. It's...

496. Oh.

497. It's so frustrating though!

498. It's so frustrating because I know that I didn't have a clean round.

499. I didn't have one round when I didn't do something stupid.

500. But you didn't cross any of the lines.

501. - So, I don't have to flutter my eyelids at you to... - No, you don't.

502. - So, where do you think you came? - It's not gonna be great.

503. Jools Holland-ish?

504. - 1.49.9. No, it's better than that! - Okay. Good. Good.

505. - You're in the 1.40s. - Have I beaten Billie, the Piper?

506. Well, what did she do?

507. Apparently, she did 1.48.3.

508. She did a 1.48.3? - Yeah.

509. You did a 1.48...

510. Come on.

511. 8.

512. Ohh.

513. Billie Piper, the assistant, is faster than the master.

514. That's...

515. But strictly speaking... - Yeah?

516. - Where Billie's, you know, taking her penalties... - Mmm-mmm.

517. - You'd have been faster. - Yeah.

518. If you had thought to wear a black see-through top,

519. you would now have beaten Simon Cowell.

520. If I undo a button?

521. No. James might rush in and put you further up, but no.

522. Anyway, there you are and it's been an absolute pleasure having you here.

523. - Thank you, lovely to be here. - Thank you so much for coming.

524. Ladies and gentlemen, David Tennant.

525. Thank you.

526. And now...

527. Hush!

528. And now, it is time for the glittering Top Gear awards ceremony

529. held here in front of whoever's bothered to turn up.

530. Yes, it's where we celebrate all that's good and bad in the world of cars,

531. here in the glittering West End of Guildford.

532. Yeah. Yeah.

533. It is now time for the Lifetime Achievement award.

534. Now, this is awarded to the person who's done the most

535. to ruin the lives of Britain's 33 million motorists.

536. And the nominees are,

537. Ken Livingstone, for not realising that the introduction

538. of bendy buses to London streets is about as sensible

539. as introducing a fleet of oil tankers to the Shropshire Union Canal.

540. - Ken Livingstone... - Oh!

541. for deciding that if you earn a living and pay tax,

542. and spend some of what's left on a car,

543. and then pay value added tax on that,

544. and then buy some road fund licence tax to put the car on the road

545. and then pay fuel duty tax on the fuel and value added tax on that fuel duty tax

546. you should then pay £25 tax,

547. to drive into the centre of the capital.

548. Right, and the final nomination is Ken Livingstone

549. for putting my flat 50 yards inside the new enlarged congestion zone.

550. Jeremy, it's about 33 million motorists, not just you.

551. Right, the winner. Where is it? Here we go.

552. It's not Ken Livingstone!

553. It's the traffic wombles who close motorways for six hours

554. every single time somebody's door mirror comes off,

555. so they can retrieve it safely.

556. So, well done, them.

557. Okay. This is the award for the Ugliest Car of the Year.

558. And the nominations... There's no point, is there? It's the Mini Clubman.

559. It is. By miles.

560. That's the ugliest.

561. So let's get it on. Here's the big one, okay?

562. It's the Worst Car of the Year award.

563. And the nominations... Actually, it's the Mini Clubman, isn't it?

564. - No, it's not. No, It isn't the Mini Clubman!

565. No, it isn't the Mini Clubman!

566. No, the winner this year and, indeed, for every year whilst we have breath in our bodies,

567. is the most stupid, useless and dangerous car ever to stalk the earth.

568. It is the totally terrible and disgusting G-Wiz.

569. - It's not a car that, is it? - No.

570. Neither, is it, as they claim to get round safety regulations, a quadri-cycle.

571. But we did think, with a few modifications,

572. it might just make a very good radio-controlled car.

573. I went to find out.

574. For this experiment, we've come here to Swindon.

575. It's the Wiltshire branch of the Science Museum.

576. So, it's got the sort of academic atmosphere we need.

577. It's also got a socking great runway, which is excellent,

578. because a good radio-controlled car needs to be fast.

579. So, that means we'll have to make our normal G-Wiz a lot faster.

580. Let me demonstrate the problem with speed by carrying out a simple drag race.

581. I shall pilot the G-Wiz.

582. 48 volts,

583. naught to 40 in... quite a while.

584. And I've put it up against an everyday, normal car.

585. A genuine 500-horsepower Mustang.

586. Should be close.

587. two, one, go!

588. We're off, we're off, we're off!

589. He's pulling away.

590. It's pulled away some more.

591. So, not good.

592. But, our radio-controlled version should pep things up.

593. We've made it using the scientific principle of more is more.

594. Basically, it's got ten times more battery power.

595. And, to help put that power down,

596. we've fitted it with fat tyres from a Formula 3 racing car.

597. So, let's run the drag race again.

598. Three, two, one, go!

599. Yeah. Try that!

600. That's more like it. Come on! Come on!

601. Yes.

602. Come on!

603. Yes!

604. But a good radio-control car should also handle well.

605. So, along with the fat tyres, our G-Wiz has been lowered and widened.

606. To test its handling we've made ourselves a circuit.

607. And to really find out if our mods have worked,

608. it'll be racing against a conventional remote-control car.

609. Now, for this race, I shall pilot the little remote-control car

610. because to get the best out of the G-Wiz for this test,

611. it needs to be controlled by our finest driver.

612. Someone who has never sat on Santa's knee.

613. Someone who has never watched Moonrakeron Boxing Day.

614. Right, here we go!

615. Oh, come on!

616. Not to worry. I had a back-up.

617. Yes!

618. First corner coming up.

619. Time to see what The Stig makes of our handling changes.

620. Oh, he won't like that.

621. No, that's not good.

622. Second corner.

623. And I knew that if I caught The Stig, he'd squash me again.

624. But no matter.

625. Because the pick-up is carrying a special load.

626. When I press this little button...

627. Oh, yeah.

628. It worked.

629. It worked.

630. That's one less.

631. - Oh, yes. It's a start. - That is what's called a start. Yeah.

632. And now, the award for the Worst-dressed Presenter on Top Gear.

633. Whoa!

634. And the nominations are...

635. Richard Hammond's shorts in the London race.

636. Yeah.

637. And Richard Hammond's Spandau Ballet tribute coat a couple of weeks ago.

638. - Yeah. Check that out there.

639. Well, the winner, and I have a good feeling about this one.

640. Oh.

641. Oh. It's Jeremy Clarkson from our British Leyland cars film for his dry suit.

642. What? I thought that was in the bag for me!

643. What? - Whoa! Yeah.

644. I'm sorry. What about James May in the Aston Martin? Look!

645. Ah, yes, but I'm not actually dressed at all there. So...

646. All right, I'm gonna move it on.

647. This is for the best noise we've heard all year.

648. And the nominations are, the Ascari A10.

649. Ooh, that's a good noise.

650. The Aston Martin DBS for this.

651. And the tunnel we went through on the Italian Riviera.

652. But, the winner was in fact none of those.

653. The best noise we heard in motoring all year

654. was Richard Hammond when Oliver sank.

655. Float! Float! Oliver!

656. Yeah.

657. You thought you'd seen the last of him,

658. but we've flown him 9,000 miles to be here tonight.

659. Ladies and gentlemen, Oliver is here!

660. Oliver! Whoa!

661. And after the show, we're going to burn it!

662. - Yes, we are! - No!

663. Hey, hey, hey, time for the Best Driver award.

664. Now this is for the guest who's come to our track

665. and performed, not necessarily the fastest, but the best.

666. And the nominations are, Jennifer Saunders.

667. Can't let the girls down.

668. She was nearly the fastest of all of them.

669. We were hugely impressed with her competitiveness and style.

670. Then there was Lawrence Dallaglio, who was also immensely fast,

671. particularly bearing in mind he turned up with two 400 pound shoulder muscles.

672. The winner actually, it turns out, is the fastest.

673. It's Simon Cowell, everybody!

674. Sadly, Simon couldn't be here to collect his award in person,

675. so earlier today, James dropped it off at his house.

676. This is it.

677. Well done anyway. Yes, well done Simon.

678. Well done, Simon.

679. If you haven't got your award, the milkman has it.

680. Uh, right, so that's that one done with and it means we can move on to the big one.

681. The Top Gear Car of the Year Award for 2007.

682. Now, this is a tricky one because we decided that all three of us had to agree.

683. Er, it's very hard, actually, to find one that we all like.

684. I mean, the Aston Martin DBS, I nominated, 'cause it's the most fun I've had all year.

685. Too expensive. - And exactly!

686. James just said, "No, too expensive", so that was that out.

687. What about the Porsche 911 GT3 RS?

688. Broke down and it's got scaffolding in the back.

689. Well, if you won't agree.

690. I think it has to be the Rolls-Royce Phantom Drophead.

691. Oh, no, please, Puff Didley'd feel daft scooting about in one of those.

692. It is a bit flashy.

693. It is a bit ostentatious, James.

694. - If we're honest. It can't really be that. - All right. All right.

695. Audi R8?

696. It's brilliant, it's a fabulous car but I just don't want one.

697. The Audi R8 is like the... It's...

698. Tell you what the Audi R8 is, it's like going on holiday in Germany.

699. Everything's very clean, everything's very efficient.

700. You just don't go there, do you? You go to Italy or France.

701. - It's lacking something. This is true. - Yeah. Um...

702. Has anybody out there got any ideas what could be our Car of the Year?

703. Oliver! Oliver.

704. What?

705. Who said Oliver?

706. - Oliver? - Yeah.

707. I would rather eat my gentleman vegetables.

708. - We've had a Fiat 500. - Fiat 500. James?

709. - I like it. - No, no, no, no.

710. James doesn't like it. Anyone else?

711. Suzuki Swift!

712. Oh, for crying out loud!

713. The Suzuki Swift!

714. It is actually a very good car, that.

715. This is important. It's like the Oscars. We've gotta get it right.

716. Ah, I've got an idea.

717. Ford Mondeo!

718. He's had the same one! The Ford Mondeo.

719. Actually, I can't think of anything wrong with it.

720. James, can you think of anything wrong with the Ford Mondeo?

721. It drives really well.

722. - I can't, actually, no. It looks good. - It does drive really well.

723. It's got huge amount of space in the back and actually It drives as well as Bimmer.

724. - There are loads of dealers - I like the interior.

725. - Very well priced. - Good engines.

726. It's big inside. There's loads of room.

727. - I think we're there. - Do you know what?

728. As it happens...

729. As it happens, we never mentioned it when it came out,

730. we never road-tested it but there we are, the 2007 Top Gearcar of the year...

731. Hold on. What about the Subaru Legacy Outback?

732. - Oh, God, that's brilliant. - That is an excellent...

733. That's made it complicated.

734. No, it hasn't. Here we go.

735. The most prestigious award in motoring,

736. the Top Gear Car of the Year 2007 is...

737. either...

738. the Subaru Legacy Outback or the Ford Mondeo!

739. - Yeah! - Well done! One of those two!

740. Now, earlier on, the three of us were at a private race track in Spain.

741. Fabulous place. It's got swimming pools, restaurants, the lot.

742. But we were there to try and find out which is the best small, fast German saloon.

743. I reckoned it was the BMW M3,

744. James reckoned it was the Audi RS4,

745. and Jeremy reckoned it was the 6.2 litre Mercedes C-Class.

746. Yes, and after part one of the film, the Mercedes was winning.

747. I had the largest diameter knob.

748. You did. However, the Mercedes was the fastest in a straight line,

749. the most practical and the most powerful.

750. And now we're gonna get back to the action.

751. Right, what we're gonna do now is find out how fast each car will go round the track.

752. Yep. And for that we need our tame racing driver.

753. Some say that, as we speak, he is actually relaxing in the resort's pool and...

754. - He is. He is, actually. - Yeah. He is.

755. We dragged him out of the pool and plonked him into his holiday hire car.

756. This is Emerson Fittipaldi's F1 Lotus,

757. which won the world championship in 1972.

758. And, amazingly, it produces 420 brake horsepower,

759. the same sort of power you get from our saloons.

760. So, first up, let's see how fast this gets round the track.

761. They brought that car out in, what, 1970? 1971 season began,

762. "What have you done to change it?"Nothing."

763. Didn't change it till '75.

764. - So every year they came... - Five years.

765. - "It was really good last year." - Yeah.

766. Aw!

767. One of the interesting things about that car is it had torsion beam suspension

768. which was very forgiving in slow corners, which made the tyres last longer.

769. You managed to find something boring about something incredibly exciting.

770. - Do we have a time? 2.15.16.

771. - Yes! The time! - 2.15.16 is the time it did.

772. The Stig then switched to the Merc.

773. I'm getting ready to run away.

774. - Look at it moving! Look at it move! What a machine!

775. Hard on the brakes now, turning. Look at that. He's missed the apex.

776. Probably 'cause it under-steered off. It was going straight off.

777. When do you feel most alive?

778. When you're right on that close to death.

779. Every time you get in that car,

780. the greatest thing in your life is you can get out alive.

781. - You're saying that's cool? - You get to every destination, you go, "Yes!

782. - "Yes, I'm alive. I made it." - You don't think that might wear a bit?

783. The Merc has more power than the Lotus F1 car

784. but could it beat its 2:15 lap time?

785. 2.43.

786. Next up, Captain Slow's Audi.

787. I'm gonna be 430 years old by the time he gets here.

788. So this could take, like, half a year?

789. Watch when it comes through here, it will look quick. You'll be able to see.

790. Boring.

791. So when you were saying that it won't slide,

792. - what you meant was, "I can't slide it"? - Yes.

793. Oh, I hate that sound of under-steer, that "brrrr".

794. Disappointing, it's the sound of disappointment.

795. Could we have a time, please?

796. 2 minutes 43.5 to beat.

797. The RS4 did it in 2 minutes 43.9.

798. - Ooh!

799. Well, hang on. That means your extra 45 horsepower...

800. - Half a second. - ... has bought you less than half a second.

801. - All that noise. - All that noise.

802. It is the sound made by an idiot.

803. So with the Audi out of the running, it was the M3's turn.

804. It is impossible for your car to be faster than my car.

805. I've got more brake horsepower and more brake horsepower per tonne.

806. It's out of control and it rolls through the corners like the wheels are on sideways.

807. Boring. Boring?

808. Boring. Boring there.

809. M3 drivers have no friends.

810. It's just dreary. It's not dreary.

811. It's quietly aggressive. It looks menacing and purposeful but not overstated.

812. The M3 did a two minute 38.9.

813. - That is quite funny.

814. How can you argue with that?

815. I'm afraid there's been a bit of an argument.

816. Jeremy told The Stig that he hadn't tried hard enough

817. in his Mercedes on the fast lap.

818. The Stig said, "No, the Mercedes was just too wayward

819. "and uncontrollable on the track."

820. Jeremy said, "Rubbish."

821. He could hit an apple on the apex of any corner at full speed.

822. So, here's the apple, and here comes, I imagine, a very big crash.

823. Damn! I'll go again.

824. The important thing is, Jeremy won't get bored.

825. Actually, I did.

826. I'll bet you any money The Stig couldn't do it in your car.

827. Can I advise you don't have that bet...

828. I'm gonna have it. I would eat it if he could hit it.

829. The great taste of Michelin.

830. There was another issue with the mad Merc.

831. Whoa! That's canvas showing!

832. - So, hang on, your rear tyres lasted how long? - 35 miles.

833. That's going to be inconvenient if you live, like, 40 miles from work.

834. Keen to claw back some dignity after the apple and the lap time debacle,

835. Jeremy became ridiculous.

836. Okay, what we've got here is the brand-new Top Gearcock-o-metre

837. that I've just thought of.

838. The idea is the camera takes a picture as you approach.

839. The image is then analysed and it tells you how much of a cock you look.

840. First up, James May in the Audi.

841. Good score. So now the Merc.

842. Oh no, it's a seven, so what about Hammond in the M3?

843. I've not got a good feeling about this one.

844. Oh, he's broken the machine!

845. He's broken it!

846. We left Stig to his holiday and headed for home,

847. still unable to agree which of our cars was the best.

848. On the way, we tried each other's cars,

849. and that made things even worse.

850. This Audi is just a very, very nice place to be.

851. And that four-wheel drive system,

852. after all of our two-wheel drive lairiness,

853. suddenly to have that security, that planted feel,

854. it does make sense.

855. This Mercedes is pretty revolting.

856. It's really chintzy and glitzy and cheesy and...

857. It has a very exciting engine, though.

858. Tremendous engine, in fact. It's fantastic!

859. To annoy Hammond, I dressed like an M3 driver before taking the wheel.

860. The thing is, though,

861. we're not reviewing the people who buy this car, we're reviewing the car.

862. And when Richard Hammond says it's poised and balanced and precise,

863. he is talking absolute sense.

864. What a car! What a masterpiece!

865. So, sublime,

866. civilised,

867. insane.

868. All slightly different, but, truth be told,

869. all absolutely brilliant!