Top Gear 10x1

1. Hello, and welcome to Top Gear.

2. Now, thank you. Thank you very much.

3. Now in the current climate, I think it's very important to reassure you all

4. that everything you see on this show is for real.

5. - Yes, nothing on this show is faked

6. in any way.

7. - Quiet.

8. Which makes it all the more amazing

9. when you see what we've got lined up for you over the next ten weeks.

10. Hold onto your spleen, everyone!

11. Whoa!

12. - No, no, no! - Mayday!

13. It's unbelievable!

14. You look like a gay cowboy and you look like a gay terrorist.

15. Ah! My eyes!

16. Oh, dear!

17. Ooh!

18. He is The Stig's African cousin.

19. That's not gone well.

20. Come on!

21. I am a road warrior.

22. Whoo!

23. - It's gonna be good. - Right.

24. Right.

25. - On, on with tonight. - Yes, indeed.

26. Um...

27. Now, every year the world's Golf GTI enthusiasts

28. congregate in a field in Austria

29. and they talk about fuel injection and wear jumpers with GTI on them,

30. and, frankly, I'd rather blowtorch my nipples off.

31. But Volkswagen every year sends them a little present,

32. a concept car of some kind, to say thank you for your loyalty.

33. This year, though, disaster. Volkswagen forgot.

34. Eight weeks to go.

35. They had to build something, anything, to keep the fans happy.

36. Luckily, Volkswagen owns lots of other car companies.

37. Bentley, Bugatti, Lamborghini,

38. Skoda, Audi and SEAT.

39. So they had a big bin to rummage around in for parts.

40. What they did then, with the clock ticking, was take the rear axle

41. and brakes from a Lamborghini Gallardo,

42. the twin-turbocharged W12 engine

43. from a Bentley Continental

44. and the rear sub frame and sort of floor from an Audi R8.

45. And then they put all these bits and pieces in the body of a Golf.

46. And here it is.

47. It's called the GTI W12 and unlike most concept cars,

48. it actually works.

49. Sort of.

50. As you'd expect with a car made so quickly, there are one or two issues.

51. The paddles here on the steering wheel

52. for the gearbox, they don't work.

53. Uh, these switches here, they don't work.

54. SatNav does work but thinks it's in Germany.

55. And these, uh, heating and ventilation knobs here,

56. they're not connected to anything.

57. So I'm very hot.

58. The 6-litre, 640 horsepower, 12-cylinder engine, though,

59. that works just fine.

60. As a result, this car will get from 0 to 60 in three and a half seconds.

61. And it will keep on accelerating all the way to 202.

62. To contain all the power and the fury,

63. the W12 is six inches wider and three inches lower than a normal Golf.

64. The roof is made from carbon fibre.

65. The tyres sit like smears of paint on the wheels,

66. and the engine is where you'd expect to find the back seats.

67. To cool it, there are massive intake vents in the sills.

68. That's why the bottom of the car is swollen like your granny's ankles.

69. And they made all these changes in just eight weeks.

70. However did they lose?

71. The funny thing is that you sit here

72. looking at a Golf dashboard and a Golf bonnet through a Golf windscreen,

73. and you think, "Well, it's a Golf."

74. But it so isn't!

75. It's not a particularly savage car.

76. It doesn't explode when you stamp on the accelerator.

77. It's just this surge of power

78. that takes you up to five and a half thousand rpm

79. and then the surge becomes a flood!

80. I can't get away from it!

81. It is an insane car, this.

82. Opening up a Golf to find it has 640 horsepower is like

83. opening up Gordon Brown's trousers

84. and finding he's wearing stockings and suspenders.

85. Mad.

86. Unfortunately, there is a small problem.

87. This car will not go round corners.

88. The wheel base is short

89. and it's rear-wheel drive so you have to be extremely gentle.

90. You have to treat all the controls like they're made of glass.

91. Even if you're really gentle,

92. you'll still... Yes. Yes.

93. You'll still end up coming out of the corner backwards like that. I meant that.

94. Okay. Tame the under steer. There's a lot of it. I've got it.

95. No, I haven't.

96. An hour later, I reckoned I was getting somewhere.

97. Calm! Calm! Calm!

98. Calm! Yes.

99. That doesn't... That doesn't work either.

100. I think the kindest thing I can say about, um,

101. about the brakes and the suspension is they're, um,

102. they're not finished yet.

103. Yes, classic stuff.

104. Smoke everywhere!

105. - You were. You were. - I wasn't. I wasn't.

106. Let me get one thing absolutely clear.

107. This isn't actually gonna go on sale, is it?

108. No, Volkswagen sent it to us,

109. 'cause they said, you know, "If people like it,

110. "then we put it into production."

111. They're not gonna get any encouragement from me, to be honest.

112. That is ghastly.

113. - My biggest problem with it is,

114. that I can't see the point of saying,

115. "I've got a supercar and the great thing is it looks like a Golf!"

116. I mean that's like saying "I'm married to a supermodel,

117. "and the great thing is, she looks like a traffic warden!"

118. - It doesn't make any sense.

119. Even so, we must now see how quickly it can crash on our track.

120. - And for that we need our tame racing driver.

121. Yes. Some say that his scrotum has its own small gravity field.

122. And that because our producer rigged a phone vote,

123. he now has a new name.

124. All we know is he's called Cuddles.

125. And he's off. Now, we know this car is frisky

126. but if anyone can tame it,

127. this is the man.

128. First corner. Twitchy on the braking.

129. Tyres howling in pain.

130. Back on the power. That is nicely done.

131. No CD today because, predictably, the stereo doesn't work.

132. Okay, through Chicago.

133. Nursing it round there carefully.

134. Another huge surge of power coming up to Hammerhead.

135. - Wriggling its hips under the brakes.

136. He's chucked it in.

137. It's... It's biting back.

138. Ooh, he's having to fight it every inch of the way.

139. Listen to that. In a Bentley that engine is as quiet as a startled deer.

140. Here it's like being chased by an imploding star,

141. and about as scary.

142. Winding it up, here he comes now through the tyres.

143. Oh, yeah. Looking good-ish.

144. Just two accidents waiting to happen now.

145. Turns in. Look at the over steer.

146. Cuddles is really having to wrestle it through there.

147. Up to Gambon. He's taking it very gingerly, and I'm not surprised.

148. And here we are, and across the line.

149. - Yeah. Got the time here.

150. The time is...

151. 129.6.

152. So, Top Gear top tip.

153. Uh, if you want a slow car that looks like a Golf, get a Golf.

154. Right, it's time for a question.

155. And the question is, where is the best driving road in the world?

156. Something that has everything. The challenging bends, no traffic, the great views,

157. the long fast straights, the lot.

158. Yep. Uh, now, it's unlikely to be here,

159. because everyone just flies. It's not gonna be here

160. because everyone's on drugs.

161. - That's all just full of ox.

162. Uh, Al Gore says that's gone, so it's not gonna be down there.

163. That's full of spiders. Signposts are all full of gibberish.

164. - They're all communists. - (RICHARD HAMMOND TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

165. Can't go there, 'cause the Americans will shoot you.

166. No! Thank you! - What?

167. All right. Obviously we did discuss this at length.

168. And we eventually decided that the best driving road in the world

169. was probably somewhere in continental Europe,

170. specifically around here.

171. The Alps.

172. Then we decided that the best thing for us to do was to go there

173. and see if we could find it.

174. This is where our quest began.

175. In the mountains above Monte Carlo in the south of France.

176. Now, obviously, you can't go looking

177. for the best driving road in the world

178. in a Japanese Hatchback or a people carrier.

179. So what we thought we'd do is bring along a selection

180. of the new generation of lightened supercars.

181. I've chosen this, the new Porsche 911 GT3 RS.

182. In essence, the GT3 is a lighter, tauter version of the normal 911.

183. And this, the RS, is a lighter, tauter version of the GT3.

184. So this is, in fact,

185. the ultimate version of the ultimate version

186. of the ultimate version of the world's ultimate supercar.

187. No, it isn't.

188. The ultimate F-plan supercar is what I've brought along.

189. It's a Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera.

190. And it's like a normal Gallardo but it's 100 kilograms lighter,

191. and the V10 engine is a bit more powerful.

192. That is quite a recipe.

193. Well, yeah, I suppose it is. If you're a fat, middle-aged bloke

194. who wants to bore everybody about the track days you've been on.

195. As you'd expect, I've done it properly,

196. and got myself a proper gentleman's racer,

197. the Aston Martin V8 Vantage N24.

198. James, that is just a racing car.

199. It hasn't got anything in it at all. It doesn't even have a passenger seat.

200. This isn't just some road car Porsche with a bit of scaffolding in the back.

201. It's 250 kilograms lighter than the standard car.

202. That's the weight of a big motorcycle.

203. - So you've got no radio. - No.

204. - You've got no carpets. - No.

205. - No air conditioning? - No.

206. James, you have got a car with no air conditioning in the south of France

207. in the middle of summer.

208. It's better than that. His windows don't open.

209. Yes, they do, actually.

210. That's a cat flap.

211. You've both done exactly the same thing.

212. You have got standard road cars

213. dressed with the tinsel of fake high performance.

214. - Has it got air conditioning? - Yes, it has got air conditioning.

215. - Have you got air conditioning? Oh, yeah.

216. - Shall we go? - Yes, shall we go? 'Cause, it's getting a bit muggy.

217. Right. Master switch on.

218. Er, ignition switch on.

219. - Er. - Faffing around.

220. Fuel reset.

221. Pumps are reset.

222. Fan is off.

223. Neutral.

224. - Engine start.

225. - Yes.

226. Excellent. Strapping in.

227. Er, that one must go in there.

228. Er...

229. Oh, God.

230. I've done three minutes and I already adore this car.

231. So much fun!

232. Eventually James caught us up

233. so we turned off the motorway and began our search for driving heaven.

234. It didn't take long.

235. We found something called the Col de Turini.

236. A ribbon of tarmac that doesn't really go anywhere.

237. So it was quiet.

238. Till we arrived.

239. This looked like the ideal place to unleash our cars a little bit.

240. Lamborghini have used their nous with this car.

241. They haven't just lobbed away all the things that you might need.

242. It's got a thinner prop shaft, more delicate drive shafts.

243. The engine cover's made of plastic rather than glass.

244. Even the wheel nuts are made from titanium.

245. All of those little things add up to 100 kilograms.

246. They were gonna ditch the four-wheel drive system to save another 50 kilograms.

247. But today, here now, on this road...

248. I'm glad they didn't.

249. I was loving the Lamborghini.

250. But, if anything, Richard was loving his Beetle even more.

251. There is something fantastically purposeful about this car.

252. They haven't been flash and messed about with trying to make it look pretty.

253. They've just taken off what they can take off,

254. made lighter what they can make lighter,

255. and away you go.

256. This thing revs higher than the standard car as well

257. so you can just keep on going.

258. They're so smug about their...

259. Fancy-boy versions of lightweight cars.

260. When you drive a really, really stripped out car like this,

261. you're put back in touch with what driving is about.

262. You can hear all the machinery working, and you can feel what it does.

263. And I was glad I didn't have air conditioning.

264. I don't know if you've ever picked up an air conditioning pipe,

265. but it is very, very heavy.

266. And it saps some of the power of the engine.

267. I suppose it would be a good idea at this juncture

268. to explain why a lightweight car is a good idea.

269. You see, the problem is modern cars are very heavy.

270. They've got all sorts of safety equipment on and airbags and so on.

271. We demand luxuries like satellite navigation.

272. And all this weight, it spoils the acceleration,

273. it ruins the fuel consumption, upsets the handling.

274. And getting rid of it

275. makes everything better.

276. Oh, wow. Look at this. Now, look at this bit.

277. This road is used as a special stage on the Monte Carlo Rally.

278. It's busy, it's twisty.

279. It's got low walls that you can go over.

280. Huge drops that can kill you with ease.

281. Meanwhile in the Aston.

282. I didn't care about James, though.

283. I just cared about this amazing road.

284. There's something about stringing together a load of hairpins.

285. What a road. I mean, what a road. Honestly, it's...

286. Metallic rattle. I keep belting my elbow

287. on something really, really hard.

288. Oh, shut up.

289. Richard and I were now so far ahead of Captain Slow,

290. we decided to pull over.

291. How's your Beetle?

292. Fine, thank you. How's your Audi?

293. Very... Very funny. Very funny in there. Yeah.

294. The harder I drove to catch up, the more unbearable the noise became.

295. Your Porsche, okay... Yeah.

296. - Is £15,000 more... - Than a GT3, yeah.

297. Than a normal GT3.

298. 'Cause it's got fewer parts. It's lighter.

299. So it stands to reason the fewer parts you have on your Porsche,

300. the more expensive it becomes.

301. Until you get to the point where somebody with no Porsche at all

302. goes past the show and they're gonna get charged a million pounds.

303. Oh, no. Look, hang on. On price, how much is yours?

304. Hundred and fifty thousand.

305. How much more is it than an ordinary one?

306. - That's a pretty flower. - No.

307. How much more is it? Come on, how much more is it than an ordinary one?

308. - Twenty six thousand. - Twenty six grand. Well, there you go. For what?

309. - Here he comes.

310. - Finally.

311. Oh, my testicles.

312. - That is unbelievably good. - Oh, yeah?

313. Right, what do we think about that road?

314. - You don't want to talk about your car, then, James? - My car?

315. Well, no, I thought we're here to find a good road.

316. You don't like your car, do you?

317. - No, the car's excellent. - You know you've made a mistake, don't you?

318. No, it's fantastic.

319. Well, I think that road's a benchmark.

320. It's a good starting point. Now we should go and find a better one.

321. Yeah, okay. We got stuff to compare it to.

322. - Italy. - What? No, Switzerland.

323. What about Austria?

324. He just wants to talk about the war.

325. Oh, you'll get all maudlin and unbearable.

326. No, no, no, no, no. I think Austria is...

327. - Not smooth roads? - No, we've never...

328. - It's the smooth roads. - It is the smooth roads.

329. It's because his suspension's so hard.

330. Italy's got really bumpy roads.

331. - Italy would be quite entertaining.

332. We should probably look at Italy.

333. - A little beep there.

334. Telling me I've used a tank of fuel already.

335. That's not good.

336. I've got to do something to get the seat higher up.

337. This is ridiculous. I've got... I'm like an 85-year-old man.

338. I was out of juice.

339. Pardon.

340. And although the camera crew had more,

341. I couldn't get it from their cans

342. into the car.

343. Whoa! Do you know what's happened here?

344. Audi, who of course own Lamborghini, they've built all of the car and then,

345. just let the Italians, to keep them happy, do one thing.

346. - Hi! - Oh, dear.

347. Nice. Nice view here.

348. Just thought you'd stop and admire it?

349. Yeah, I might need your help.

350. Why?

351. - There might be a problem. - What?

352. Fuel filler cap won't open.

353. - Never mind. See you in Italy. - No...

354. I broke out the instruction manual, which was all in Italian.

355. Console centrale con...

356. Intellitori,

357. apurturri, sportello refornimento.

358. "We are useless Italians and we haven't built this properly."

359. Ah!

360. Yes!

361. Once we'd regrouped, we joined the motorway along the Italian Riviera.

362. By no means was this a great driving road but there were some consolations.

363. It's a symphony is what it is.

364. The big V10 in this.

365. The flat 6 of Hammond's Porsche.

366. Then that brutal V8 in the racing car.

367. The trouble with tunnel blasting in a car with atomic power like the Lambo

368. is that the fuel economy does drop a bit.

369. I was doing nine miles to the gallon.

370. - Oh, dear. - Is this your second fill-up?

371. Yes.

372. See, mine's got 110-litre endurance fuel tank.

373. If you two need to get in my slipstream when we're going up

374. the hills, 'cause I know you don't have much power...

375. At no point have I lacked in power to keep up with this thing.

376. At no point. - How many horsepower?

377. Four hundred and fifteen.

378. - Five hundred and twenty two. It's how it uses them.

379. It's how it deploys them.

380. I'm with Hammond here. - Top speed?

381. Hundred and seventy five.

382. - Top speed? - Hundred and eighty five-ish.

383. Hundred and ninety five. You're just not in the same league.

384. This is probably quite a good car,

385. I'll grant you that but it's half-hearted and limp-wristed.

386. It's not a real luxury supercar...

387. - This should be good. - And neither is it a proper lightweight.

388. James, a little compromise might be useful in your car. Be honest.

389. No. I love it.

390. In fact he loved it so much, he bought it a present.

391. - What's that? - I've bought a cushion.

392. - Are you admitting that it's uncomfortable? - No, no. Yeah. No.

393. - No, no, no. What? Hold on. - Hammond.

394. - He's admitting his car is uncomfortable. - No. It's being quite...

395. Let me guess that's interior design. It's a scatter cushion

396. to look pretty.

397. So much nicer.

398. My poor buttocks.

399. Yeah, but would the weight of that cushion be a problem

400. if Hammond and I suddenly decided that we were eight years old?

401. Paddle on the right!

402. The Lambo and the Porsche are very, very close.

403. The Aston Martin seems to be very, very slow.

404. Didn't expect that in the racing car.

405. We were heading for the Italian lakes

406. but it was time to stop for the night.

407. And since I'd insisted on coming to Italy, I'd booked the hotel.

408. This doesn't look like a very good town.

409. They're going to shout at me.

410. Tell me we've stopped here

411. - to steal some wheels or something. - Well, it could be worse.

412. How could it be... How could this be worse? That's the motorway!

413. Oh, Jeremy, I always wanted to stay in the Italian lakes.

414. Are we staying here tonight?

415. Well, yes.

416. So we're carrying on by bicycle tomorrow?

417. Because, these will have been stolen, obviously.

418. Well, they did say that they'd got a secure

419. car park that nobody could break into.

420. Uh, and I can see exactly what they mean.

421. There's absolutely no way that anybody could possibly get into this car park...

422. - In any way, shape or form.

423. - It's actually very simple. What were you thinking?

424. Do you know my car doesn't have a key or a lock?

425. - Do they save weight by not fitting locks? - Yeah.

426. I'm really sorry.

427. I know. I'm sorry.

428. Sorry.

429. So that hotel had no bar, no restaurant,

430. no air conditioning in the rooms.

431. No, it was like being in his car.

432. - Which is why we left the crew behind

433. and us three all went nearer to the lakes, found another hotel.

434. - And the lakes are to the north. - Yes.

435. - And which way did you take us? - North east.

436. - Yes. - You made us drive 200 kilometres

437. - in the wrong direction. - I did that.

438. I did do that. But we found a hotel in the end and all was well.

439. - You ruined our holiday. - I did ruin your holiday, and I'm very sorry about that.

440. But we must now move on because it's time to meet our guest.

441. Now, the star in the reasonably priced car tonight

442. once said that she and her husband set their alarm clock an hour early every morning

443. so they had a chance to make love before going to work,

444. much like James May, although, of course, he lives alone.

445. - Um...

446. Ladies and gentlemen, star of everything that matters,

447. Dame Helen Mirren!

448. You're looking so lovely.

449. Oh!

450. - I can rest now. Have a seat.

451. I'll have a seat. Oh.

452. I can't tell you how excited I am...

453. - Oh, yes, you can. - To have you here.

454. No, I really... I really genuinely mean it.

455. I know everybody talks to you about The Queen obviously.

456. - Prime Suspect as well. - Mmm-hmm.

457. - But you were in The Long Good Friday. - Yeah, I was.

458. Now, this to me, I don't know if anyone would agree with this,

459. - is just the greatest film of all time. - Half... You know.

460. Three quarters of them have never heard of The Long Good Friday.

461. - Have you heard of The Long Good Friday? Yes. - They're far too young.

462. - This audience, you see... - Yeah.

463. - Well edu... Well, well-educated.

464. - Yeah. - They have heard of it.

465. Do you live in LA? I've been trying to clear this up. Now?

466. - Uh, no, I live in Wapping actually. - You live in Wapping.

467. - But you've got a house in LA. - My husband's American.

468. So, we... Obviously we spend a lot of time there, yeah.

469. - Is it normal over there? - In that car culture, you know.

470. Um, is it what then?

471. - Normal in Los Angeles. - No, it's weird. It's LA.

472. I would have thought you'd love it because people live in their cars,

473. and they do everything in their cars.

474. - Um...

475. Um, now, your autobiography...

476. I've actually read it, unlike...

477. - No, really? - Yeah, I have.

478. I got to one chapter where I went a bit white,

479. - where you say when you were living in Parsons Green. - Yes, I did.

480. - So this is in Fulham... - Yes, I used to hear it going over...

481. - In southwest London. - Absolutely. Yeah.

482. You... What was it? You became disillusioned with British society.

483. - Because of all the young Hoorays living... - Mmm-hmm.

484. - Round there throwing bread rolls. - Yes.

485. Aye. That was me.

486. - I did live in Parsons Green. You didn't!

487. - I did. - And did you throw food?

488. - Yes.

489. I used to order it for its aerodynamic efficiency.

490. You were one of those ghastly, ghastly guys!

491. - Oh, my God! That drove me out of England.

492. Um, now, didn't you also say

493. somewhere this the other day, that I was reading,

494. that I remind you of Paris Hilton?

495. - Yes, I said you were like Paris Hilton. Yes, I did.

496. I look in the mirror every morning and go,

497. "I'm Paris? Oh, no, I'm not."

498. No, but the thing is, Jeremy, you are uber male,

499. you know, and Paris is uber-female,

500. and I think that you're both, that you're the two sides of the same coin, actually.

501. Well, I don't put pictures of myself naked on the internet.

502. - That's one thing I don't do.

503. Maybe I'll give it a whirl.

504. You know, well, actually, neither did she,

505. to her credit, if someone else did it...

506. Here's a tip, Paris, if you're watching.

507. - Have sex without a camera.

508. Now, anyway let's move on to motoring if we may. Um...

509. I don't think we're gonna agree on much here actually.

510. 'Cause you're not really a big car fan.

511. Uh, no, my first car was a disaster.

512. - It was an MG Midget. You know those little white things. - Yeah.

513. My brother, my brother sold it to me.

514. The engine blew up within two days.

515. - But didn't you have a Golf GTI? - Yes, I did, I did.

516. That came to a sticky end, my poor old Golf GTI.

517. Why? What happened to it?

518. Well, I was doing theater in, um...

519. At the old... Uh, no, the Young Vic, excuse me, in Waterloo,

520. and I'd just cleared out my closet

521. and I had all this stuff to take to the charity shop.

522. And then I thought, "Well, you know..."

523. There were no charity shops. I didn't have the time.

524. And I knew that everyone said, "Keep your car locked around here,

525. "because things get nicked out of the car."

526. So I thought, "Perfect, I'll leave my stuff in the car,

527. "I'll leave the car open, and it'll all get nicked."

528. But instead of the stuff getting nicked, my car got torched.

529. - No! - Yeah. I came out, it was like this just... Hulk.

530. - So what have you got now? - I don't have a car now, actually.

531. - Haven't you got an Oyster card? - Yes, I do. Yep. Yeah.

532. - What is one? - It's a brilliant thing. It's this little thing.

533. And when you go on public transport, which are like buses and tubes and trains,

534. you have this little card and you swipe it and... You're on.

535. Why wouldn't you go in a car, though?

536. You sit on the bus, and there's a chauffeur driving the bus,

537. you know in a uniform.

538. - And a tramp sitting next to you, vomiting on you. - And there are nice people...

539. - No.

540. Can we talk about supercars briefly? If I may...

541. - What's a supercar? - Ferraris, Lamborghinis.

542. Where are you on... On those?

543. - What do you think of a... You know... - Well...

544. A middle-aged chap in a Lambo?

545. Well, I think...

546. Well, I just think most guys who drive those...

547. When I see them, I always thought, you know.

548. - I mean...

549. Oh.

550. Sorry. I was gonna say...

551. I was gonna say...

552. That's sad, 'cause Richard Hammond's got one.

553. - Oh, he hasn't, has he? Oh, no. Dear... - He has.

554. He's not a pillock. He's a nice guy. So I'm sorry, Richard.

555. - Is he? - Yeah.

556. - I thought he was a pillock.

557. So, okay. The lap, obviously. Was it fun?

558. It... Well, I don't know if fun is the right word.

559. It was terrifying. It was nerve-racking.

560. It was adrenaline-pumping.

561. My hands were shaking like this at the end.

562. It was sweat-making.

563. It was... It was fabulous.

564. - You did like it? - It was fabulous.

565. - Oh, that's what I thought.

566. - Shall we have a look at it? Yes!

567. Right. Sorry about the television but here we go. It's like being in the '60s.

568. That's an aggressive start.

569. Later, harder, longer.

570. Later, harder...

571. - Are you doing the shipping forecast in there?

572. Douglas, Dogger...

573. Hard. Slow.

574. Later. Harder.

575. Faroe. Is that what The Stig told you to do? He did.

576. Did he tell you to do that? - Slower. Harder.

577. Slow into the corners and then fast out.

578. So it's slow. Now go. Go! - Go, go!

579. You idiot!

580. My language is actually a lot bluer than that.

581. Oh, yes.

582. Here we go now. We're coming out.

583. It's such a silly-looking little car.

584. Did you like it? - No.

585. No, it's awful, isn't it?

586. Oh, yes.

587. I liked that bit best. I like cutting the corner there.

588. Now we're really picking up speed.

589. That's the wrong gear.

590. Oh, is it? Is that fourth? Can you tell?

591. It was third. It was going... Oh, yeah.

592. Because she's really picking up speed now.

593. This is Michael Gambon's corner, where we nearly lost him.

594. Oh, yeah. And round there.

595. And there we are, ladies and gentlemen, across the line.

596. - Whoo-hoo!

597. So...

598. - Miraculously undamaged in the fire...

599. Is our board.

600. - You had a fire? - Channel 5 set fire to everything we own.

601. - No! - Honestly, they did.

602. That's why we're in rubbish furniture. I apologize. Anyway, but this survived.

603. And where do you think you've come now?

604. - If this is the thespian zone. - Yes, well, am I in the thespian zone?

605. Yes.

606. Ray Winstone. Kristin Scott Thomas. Yes.

607. Rick Wakeman is not a thesp. Well, he is, actually.

608. And then Brian Cox and Jimmy Carr, who was a comedian.

609. Mmm-hmm. I have no idea.

610. - Ready? One... - Yes.

611. - Fifty... - Oh.

612. No. What do you mean, "Oh"?

613. - Two point eight. - Oh!

614. - Not bad. - Which puts you right...

615. Thank you.

616. Not very high up. - So how many Oscars have you won? One?

617. - One Oscar, yeah. - Emmies?

618. Uh, four.

619. - Golden Globes? - Three, I think.

620. Three. And now it turns out you're faster round our track than Rick Wakeman.

621. - Ladies and gentlemen, Dame Helen Mirren. - What a triumph! Thank you.

622. So, let's get back to tonight's big film

623. in which the three of us are attempting to find the best driving road in the world

624. in these three lightweight supercars.

625. Yes, now we can't agree which one is the best,

626. only that his Aston is just awful.

627. To be honest, we couldn't agree on where we wanted to go.

628. I wanted to go to Austria. He wanted to go to Switzerland.

629. But when we left the action,

630. we were driving hundreds and hundreds of boring motorway miles

631. because Jeremy said that the Italian lakes would be brilliant.

632. Look at it. Lake Maggiore is just fantastic.

633. And as for the roads...

634. Us out for a day on a motorway in an oven, essentially, for this.

635. This road is rubbish.

636. The traffic, coupled with the hotel fiasco the night before,

637. had put the chaps in quite a bad mood.

638. We come all the way here in these cars

639. and you it up because you're a feeble-minded.

640. - Are you... I think... Utter, utter.

641. useless.

642. Look at the colour of that water. That's beautiful.

643. Why did you think this would be good, you big daft?

644. Trust me, Italy is the place.

645. Shut up! - It's the home of the fast car. It's...

646. I mean, why did we bother? We should have just come here

647. on a bus.

648. There is a speed bump on the road.

649. Oh, that's the final straw.

650. Whoa! I'm exploring the limits of grip here.

651. Essentially, he's brought us up somebody's driveway.

652. Realizing that I'd mucked things up a bit

653. I suggested we try the other side of the lake,

654. which meant catching a ferry.

655. What are we experiencing next? The world's greatest driving forest.

656. Well, where do you want to go?

657. Switzerland! Because it was built...

658. - Switzerland is rubbish. - Laws, laws, laws.

659. Do you want to wash your car when you get to Switzerland? Because you can't by law.

660. No. If they're... - Want to lower your suspension?

661. - Do you wanna up the brake horse power? Not allowed. No.

662. - I don't care. - A tiny bit of speeding. Prison.

663. Trust me, Switzerland is the wrong country.

664. Well, I'm not going to Austria.

665. Eventually, we arrived at the other side.

666. So they can get the air conditioning on.

667. - Seventeen degrees? - I can have it about that, yes.

668. Yeah, I think I'm gonna have seventeen. It's half twelve now. It's really getting hot.

669. Oh, no.

670. Oh.

671. In order for the ferry to unload, James had to disembark first.

672. Hang on a minute, blokes. Something's not quite right.

673. - What's the matter? It's broken.

674. Has it got fuel in it? - Yeah, it's got loads of fuel.

675. Despite the horns, James wouldn't rush his pre-flight checks.

676. - Master switch. Ignition. Pump. Pump.

677. - That's off.

678. Very, very fast.

679. At least it's light.

680. Jeremy, we're keeping everybody on the boat now.

681. That lady's shouting.

682. - Sorry. - Scusi.

683. Uh, sorry, sorry.

684. I can't get through there. Back up.

685. Your country that makes supercars.

686. You can't honk when somebody actually goes and buys one.

687. That is the correct position because that's on and the panel is on.

688. The ignition is down. I've got everything else off.

689. Do you want get the... Let's get this.

690. - That's the hottest thing in the world! Bugger!

691. The fuel...

692. With the idiot's car now working,

693. we found the road on the other side of the lake

694. was a boring dual carriageway.

695. Still, there was one good thing.

696. We were heading north to where I'd wanted to go in the first place. Switzerland.

697. Oh, please let's find something good.

698. We did.

699. This is the San Bernardino Pass.

700. Wow.

701. I think a bootful would be appropriate.

702. Yep!

703. The Swiss will look on these three cars

704. as though the Antichrist has come to their little world.

705. But I didn't care.

706. The hills are alive to the sound of horsepower.

707. Meanwhile in the Aston...

708. The San Bernardino Pass was something else.

709. The views, the smoothness of the road surface,

710. the elegance of the road itself.

711. But Richard wasn't finished,

712. and insisted we kept heading north.

713. I wonder where he's taking us.

714. Wow. Lichtenstein.

715. The only thing I know about Lichtenstein is,

716. they make more false teeth here than anywhere else in the world.

717. Which is probably why Hammond has brought us here.

718. What I do hope is, it contains a brilliant road,

719. and I've a good feeling about this place.

720. And so outside the, um, museum,

721. I pulled over to consult our map.

722. You see, we want bends. That stretch looks...

723. Lichtenstein was the last country in Europe

724. to give women the vote. It was in 1984.

725. That is in Lichtenstein. Isn't it?

726. If the entire population of Lichtenstein

727. went to the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff,

728. there'd be 39,500 empty seats.

729. Yeah, but back to the road. If we carry on up here,

730. this bit wiggles. Look at those turns.

731. Do you know this is a tax haven? It's got more companies here than people.

732. That is a killer stretch of road. That's a beauty.

733. - Shall we try each other's cars for this bit? What?

734. Why don't we try each other's cars?

735. No, I really like this one, mate.

736. - Do you want to go in this? - No.

737. Right, so this, theoretically, is the start of the greatest driving road in the world.

738. I fear, I may have made a slight mistake here.

739. He had.

740. There was a cycle race on and his brilliant road was closed.

741. - What? - Are we allowed to drive on it?

742. - No. - No.

743. - It's shut! - It is a bit.

744. You've dragged me all the way to Lichtenstein to go on a road that's shut!

745. A bit. Completely.

746. - Where do you want to go now? - Austria.

747. - Oh, God. - You go to Austria.

748. We can't smell your pits from there. I'm going back to Italy.

749. Reluctantly the others agreed to come with me.

750. So we headed back through Switzerland,

751. stopping off for the night in the ski resort of Davos.

752. It had been a bad day.

753. We'd been through three countries and only found one good bit of road.

754. So Richard and I decided to vandalize James's Aston.

755. Half of me wants him to see.

756. Half of me wants him to just drive all day with it on.

757. He'll never notice. You know what James is like. He doesn't notice anything.

758. - He's not coming, is he? - No.

759. K. That's Kevin.

760. - Sounds like a racing driver's name.

761. And he's bought us a drink.

762. You're all right, you're all right.

763. The next morning, we headed south out of Davos,

764. and couldn't quite believe what we'd stumbled on.

765. Mile after mile of deserted perfection.

766. Even Jeremy had to concede I was right about Switzerland.

767. This is absolute heaven.

768. Oh, this is much more like it.

769. What was God thinking of when he gave the Swiss this place?

770. Plainly, it should be ours.

771. This road was a test of brakes, steering, grip, power and handling.

772. An ideal place, then, to reflect on the cars

773. we'd brought on our motoring holiday.

774. Everything about this car now has come alive. It's suddenly in its element.

775. God, this thing just tracks so perfectly.

776. Meanwhile in the Aston...

777. I wonder how much more I have to endure

778. before I can admit that this is a terrible car

779. and that I hate it and I want to go home.

780. There's actually a physically pleasurable sensation

781. that runs up your arm when you turn the wheel.

782. It... It's uncanny.

783. "Jeremy Clarkson today married a Lamborghini and moved to Switzerland."

784. And then it hit me. I was in a Lamborghini in the Alps.

785. All I need is a pair of sunglasses,

786. and some Matt Munro.

787. Oh, no, hang on a minute.

788. We'd all pretty much decided that we'd found driving heaven.

789. Well, two of us had.

790. But then after we popped over the border and back into Italy

791. we found a cherry for the top of our cake.

792. The Stelvio Pass.

793. Fifteen miles of asphalt spaghetti draped on an Alp.

794. It was stunning.

795. Shall we do it?

796. Here we go.

797. The drops! It's impossible!

798. You go over the edge here, you'd have time to phone the insurers.

799. There's no other way of saying it,

800. this is a magnificent piece of road-building.

801. It's not like PlayStation, this. You can't just press the reset button

802. when you get it wrong.

803. You just go through the pearly gates on fire.

804. I hate to admit this,

805. but this Aston is starting to make a certain amount of good sense.

806. Even the brakes have stopped squeaking.

807. Climbing up now past 8,000 feet.

808. I think at this altitude, the Lambo has got the advantage.

809. I shall solve that, though, with some bravery.

810. This is hard work. If I had no air conditioning, I'd look ridiculous now.

811. What an extraordinary road!

812. Thank you, Italy. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

813. We finished our run,

814. and as the cars ticked themselves cool, we knew their work was done.

815. Our quest was at an end.

816. Davos to Stelvio,

817. the greatest driving road in the world.

818. - Yeah.

819. Well, lads, that was a good holiday.

820. - Yeah. - A great holiday.

821. So there you are. If you're thinking of going on holiday next year,

822. forget Center Parcs. Just go there.

823. Yes, now, the cars.

824. So, James.

825. No.

826. That's no on every level. Richard?

827. I thought the Porsche was fantastic. I loved it.

828. But the thing for me about that car, the main problem is,

829. I still don't see why it's 15 grand more for the RS version than the ordinary GT3.

830. I have to say the same on the Lambo.

831. I can't believe that I wouldn't have as much fun in a normal Gallardo.

832. And the other thing as well is,

833. if you're gonna do a special edition Lamborghini,

834. contain stuff off, put stuff on like space thrusters and machine guns

835. 'cause that's what Lamborghinis are all about.

836. So hang on, we took three cars on holiday and they were all wrong.

837. - Mmm. - Yes, we're back in business.

838. - Yeah. Top Gear, ambitious but rubbish. That's us.

839. There'll be more of that next week. See you then.

840. - Good night!