Tom Goes to the Mayor 2x9

Directed by

Zach Galifianakis as Dr. Vickerson (voice) • Michael Ian Black as Dr. Ian Black (voice) • Bob Odenkirk as Announcer (voice)

Tom seeks help for his chronic nocturnal emissions.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. HI, I'M THE MAYOR, AND MY DOOR IS ALWAYS OPEN FOR YOU.

2. MY NAME IS TOM PETERS AND I'M FULLY OF IDEAS.

3. HOW ARE YOU?

4. HERE YOU GO, MY SWEETHEART.

5. TAKE A BITE, MY HONEY.

6. HAVE SOME MORE.

7. AW, YOU'RE TOO MUCH.

8. WHEE!

9. COME ON, OH, DO IT.

10. AH, UGH.

11. OH, NOT AGAIN.

12. YOU FILTHY PERVERT, QUIT MOANING!

13. I'M TRYING TO WATCH MY TV!

14. JOIN US ALL WEEK LONG FOR BEHIND CLOSED DOORS,

15. A DEEP EXPLORATION OF JEFFERTON'S SEXUAL PROBLEMS,

16. AND DIRTY SECRETS.

17. WHAT TURNS YOU ON, WAYNE?

18. WHAT TURNS YOU ON, JAN?

19. THE NEWS JUST GOT A LITTLE HOTTER.

20. MAYOR'S OFFICE.

21. UH, IT'S TOM PETERS.

22. I'M SORRY, SIR, SPEAK UP A LITTLE BIT.

23. IT'S TOM PETERS. UM, I'M SORRY.

24. I'M JUST A LITTLE UNDER THE WEATHER TODAY.

25. WELL, YOU LOOK TERRIBLE, TOM.

26. JUST A LITTLE DIZZY OR SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW.

27. TAKE A SEAT, PLEASE.

28. OH, NO THANKS, I WAS...

29. JUST STOPPING TO PROPOSE

30. A NEW BUFFET —

31. EXCUSE ME.

32. GOOD MORNING, PETER, HOW ARE YOU?

33. I'M DR. VICKERSON. I'M YOUR DOCTOR.

34. WELL, WE GOT YOUR TESTS BACK HERE,

35. AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE GOT A BAD CASE

36. OF CHRONIC NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS ON YOUR HANDS.

37. AROUND HERE, THE BOYS LIKE TO CALL IT CNE.

38. YOU SEE, TOM, DUE TO YOUR LIFESTYLE,

39. YOU AND YOUR HORMONES HAVE REVERTED

40. TO A SCHOOLBOY SEXUAL LEVEL.

41. AND YOUR BODY DEALS WITH IT THROUGH THESE —

42. WHAT WE LIKE TO CALL "WET DREAMS."

43. IF WE TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR E-CHART,

44. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE ALSO DEVELOPED

45. A NASTY CASE OF ISS AS WELL.

46. IT'S WHAT WE LIKE TO CALL IRRITABLE SEMEN SYNDROME.

47. THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THE BURNING AND ALL THE RASHING.

48. WELL, THERE'S REALLY TWO WAYS TO TREAT CNE.

49. THE FIRST AND EASIEST IS TO SIMPLY EXAMINE

50. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR WIFE.

51. WELL, THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

52. AND THE OTHER ALTERNATIVE

53. IS TO PERFORM EMERGENCY TESTICULAR SURGERY,

54. WHICH WOULD BE QUITE INTENSIVE

55. AND PAINFUL.

56. I'M TALKING BALLS PAINFUL.

57. WHEW, I GUESS THAT'S A LOT TO CONSIDER.

58. I JUST HAVE A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS.

59. AND WE ARE...

60. DONE HERE.

61. WHAT'S GOING ON?

62. OH, YOUR CINCO INSURANCE JUST RAN OUT.

63. YOU HAVE A 12-HOUR POLICY.

64. SORRY ABOUT THIS, PETER. TAKE CARE.

65. DON'T LISTEN TO THIS QUACK, HONEY.

66. LET'S GET A SECOND OPINION.

67. I THINK MY PRIVATE PHYSICIAN CAN TREAT YOUR SICK DONG.

68. UH, HELLO, EMERGENCY.

69. HEY, MAYOR. HEY, MICHAEL.

70. ANOTHER GOOD ONE, GUYS.

71. STEPHEN, I'VE BEEN REVIEWING YOUR CHARTS,

72. AND I THINK I MAY HAVE A SOLUTION FOR YOUR STICKY PROBLEM.

73. FIRST OFF, IT'S A TOM PETERS HERE.

74. AND, I'M SORRY, DID YOU SAY

75. YOU HAD ACCESS TO MY MEDICAL RECORDS?

76. COURSE HE DOES, TOM. MICHAEL'S A MEDICAL DOCTOR.

77. HE'S ALSO THE OFFICIAL REP FOR PROVO-C.

78. I'M JUST NOT SURE, YOU KNOW, WHAT THAT IS.

79. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS RAG TOP?

80. HE'S JUST A BOOGIE BOARD.

81. WHAT AN IDIOT. WELL, GET READY TO BE BLOWN AWAY.

82. EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW

83. WHAT IS PROVOLANAPROXALIDAMINE-C?

84. PROVO-C WAS DESIGNED BY SEVERAL DUTCH SCIENTISTS

85. TO ATTACK THE SOURCE

86. OF YOUR CHRONIC NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS

87. AND TO STRATEGICALLY ELIMINATE ALL TRACES OF SEXUAL DESIRE.

88. ALTHOUGH ORIGINALLY DESIGNED AS A DANGEROUS FOX REPELLANT —

89. SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK, TOM?

90. OH, IT SOUNDS LIKE A MIRACLE DRUG.

91. I'D LOVE TO GET MY HANDS ON SOME OF THOSE PILLS.

92. WHAT? ARE YOU A MILLIONAIRE?

93. YEAH, IT'S NOT REALLY IN YOUR PRICE BRACKET, BUDDY.

94. COME ON, TOM. OH, OKAY.

95. WELL, WE TRIED, OLD FRIEND.

96. ALL RIGHT, WELL, THANKS ANYWAY, MAYOR.

97. WAIT A SECOND.

98. LET ME JUST SPITBALL SOMETHING PAST YOU HERE.

99. YOU'VE DONE SOME MODELING IN THE PAST, RIGHT?

100. WELL, NOT SO MUCH, BUT I GUESS IN TERMS OF MY GOAL SHEET —

101. HEY, MAYOR, I THINK STEPHEN HERE COULD BE OUR NEW SPOKES MODEL.

102. HE'D BE PERFECT, MICHAEL.

103. HOW DO YOU DO IT?

104. WELL, I REALLY DON'T WANT MY IMAGE TO BE ASSOCIATED

105. WITH PENIS DISEASE.

106. COME ON, STEVIE, YOU'LL GET ALL THE FREE ANTI AROUSAL PILLS YOU'LL EVER NEED.

107. IT'S JUST A FEW PHOTO OPS, BIG GUY.

108. COME ON, TOM, DON'T YOU WANNA BE FAMOUS?

109. ALL RIGHT.

110. HI, I'M TOM PETERS.

111. AND FOR YEARS, I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO CONTROL

112. MY UNPLEASANT AND EMBARRASSING CNE.

113. BUT THANKS TO TAKING PROVOLANAPROXALIDAMINE-C

114. FIVE TIMES PER DAY,

115. MY SHEETS, MY BED, AND MY WIFE

116. ARE ALL DRY AGAIN.

117. MORE SMILES, OR —

118. OKAY. SEXIER?

119. LET'S MAKE A STAR, MICHAEL.

120. TOM, IT'S HAPPENING, JUST WHAT YOU WANTED.

121. YEAH, IT REALLY JUST FEELS SO RIGHT, MAYOR.

122. I CAN'T TELL YA.

123. YOU'RE BECOMING A STAR, BIG GUY.

124. OH, YEAH, I GUESS I AM.

125. HELLO, JEFFERTON!

126. ARE YOU READY TO BE KNOCKED

127. RIGHT OUT OF YOUR SOCKS, HUH?

128. YOU'VE HEARD THE BUZZ, NOW OPEN YOUR ARMS

129. AND EMBRACE PROVOLANAPROXALIDAMINE C!

130. YEAH!

131. ALL RIGHT, HERE COME THE PROVO-C GIRLS.

132. YOU THINK YOU CAN TURN ME ON?

133. WELL, BRING IT ON. THAT'S RIGHT!

134. COME ON AND SIT ON UNCLE TOM'S LAP HERE.

135. SEE, NO DICE.

136. DRY AS A BONE.

137. HEY, MAYOR, YOUR BOYFRIEND'S GETTING OUT OF CONTROL.

138. I WONDER IF THE FOOD COURT HERE HAS ANY OF THOSE

139. CRISPY CHICKEN TIDLERS I LOVE SO MUCH.

140. NOW EVERYBODY, DON'T FORGET TO WATCH CHANNEL 5

141. TOMORROW NIGHT FOR MY BIG LIVE INTERVIEW.

142. HEY, GIBS, IT'S ME.

143. JUST CHECKING IN, SEEING WHAT YOU WERE DOING THIS WEEKEND.

144. ME, I'M TAKING THE MODEL-T DOWN THE COAST FOR SOME LOBSTER TAIL.

145. EXCUSE ME, HEY,

146. WE'RE GONNA NEED YOU ON THE SET IN FIVE MINUTES, MR. PETERS.

147. GIBS, I GOTTA JET. I'M DOING A LIVE INTERVIEW.

148. I'LL GIVE YOU A BUZZ LATER.

149. NEWSFLASH, WE GOT ANOTHER WARM SODA HERE.

150. MAYOR, YOU DON'T SEEM TO BE DOING ANYTHING WORTHWHILE.

151. OH, I'M SORRY, TOM.

152. LOOKS LIKE WE'RE RUNNING LOW ON ICE.

153. CAN'T YOU TWO IDIOTS GET ANYTHING RIGHT?

154. STEPHEN, CALM DOWN. MY NAME IS NOT STEPHEN!

155. OKAY, OKAY. THOMAS, LIKE I TOLD YOU BEFORE,

156. THE RIDER YOUR AGENT FAXED OVER WAS VERY ELABORATE —

157. WOULD YOU JUST GO TO HELL?

158. GOOD NEWS, TOM, I FOUND A COLD SHRIMP SODA FOR YOU.

159. YOU GUYS JUST DON'T GET IT, DO YA?

160. I'M OUTTA HERE.

161. YOU LISTEN, AND YOU LISTEN CLOSE.

162. IF YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BIG PROBLEM.

163. DON'T DO IT, GUY.

164. I AM TOM PETERS, OKAY?

165. YOU JUST TRY TO SELL THIS CRAP WITHOUT ME.

166. TOM, I'M WARNING YOU, YOU WILL BE FIRED

167. AS THE THE SPOKESPERSON FOR PROVOLANAPROXALIDAMINE-C,

168. AND YOU WILL NOT GET ANYMORE PILLS.

169. GET OUT OF MY WAY!

170. WITHOUT THOSE PILLS, YOUR CNE WILL FLARE UP AGAIN.

171. SHUT UP, MAYOR. I DON'T NEED THOSE PILLS.

172. I DON'T NEED YOU, OR YOU, OR YOU.

173. I DON'T NEED ANY OF THIS.

174. OH, NO.

175. PLEASE.

176. NO. NO!

177. AAH!

178. SON OF A — THERE GOES ANOTHER NIGHTGOWN.

179. CHILDREN, I'M TRYING TO RECORD ANOTHER OUTGOING GREETING HERE.

180. HI, THIS IS TOM PETERS AND FAMILY, WELCOME TO MY —

181. HEY, STEPHEN, IT'S ME AGAIN, DR. MICHAEL IAN BLACK.

182. JUST TALKED TO THE GUYS UPSTAIRS

183. AND I WANNA PASS ALONG SOME INFO.

184. CONSIDERING THAT YOU WERE SUCH A GUMBALL THE OTHER DAY,

185. NOT ONLY HAVE WE DROPPED YOU AS OUR SPOKES MODEL,

186. BUT WE'RE ALSO GONNA CHARGE YOU FOR ALL THE PROVO-C

187. THAT WE ALREADY GAVE YOU.

188. SO IF YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT, CALL OUR LAWYERS.

189. OKAY, BYE, STEVE.

190. AAH!

191. SCARED ME.

192. HEY, MAYOR, MICHAEL. GOOD TO SEE YOU.

193. I'M GLAD YOU STOPPED BY, THOUGH.

194. YOU KNOW, I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE WAY I BEHAVED THE OTHER DAY.

195. BUT I-I-I DO NEED THOSE PILLS,

196. SO IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO.

197. I'M SORRY, TOM, NO CAN-DO, BUDDY.

198. OH, OKAY. WELL, UH, LOOKS LIKE

199. JOY AND I HAVE A LOT OF TALKING TO DO, THEN.

200. OW! OH, SHOOT! THERE'S MY ISS KICKING IN.

201. AAH!

202. EWW. WHAT A MESS.

203. EWW.

204. EWW. EWW.

205. EWW. EWW.

206. EWW. EWW.

207. EWW. EWW.

208. CAPTIONING PROVIDED BY TURNER STUDIOS