Tom Goes to the Mayor 2x15

Directed by

Zach Galifianakis as Dr. Vickerson (voice) • Michael Cera as Scrotch (voice) • Bob Odenkirk as Dr. Sandy Winfield (voice)

Tom goes undercover at his son's school to isolate the source of high starch levels.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. >> BE HONEST WITH ME, HONEY.

2. IS IT SERIOUS?

3. >> LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE HIGH LEVELS OF STARCH.

4. >> OOH, THAT'S BAD NEWS.

5. >> >>

6. >> THAT WAS A VERY SPECIAL PLAY WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY MY

7. HUSBAND WAYNE.

8. VERY WELL WRITTEN.

9. STARCH LEVELS ARE NOT A LAUGHING

10. MATTER.

11. >> IT'S NO SECRET THE CHILDREN OF JEFFERTON ARE PLAGUED WITH

12. TOXIC LEVELS OF STARCH IN THEIR DIET.

13. AND NO ONE KNOWS WHERE IT'S COMING FROM.

14. >> BUT HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS: WE HAVE WITH US TODAY A VERY

15. SPECIAL GUEST, DR. SANDY WINFIELD,

16. WHO HAS CREATED AN EXCITING NEW PRODUCT WHICH HELPS US TEST OUR

17. OWN STARCH LEVELS AT HOME.

18. >> THANKS, GUYS.

19. AND THANK YOU.

20. WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULD TEST YOUR OWN

21. STOOL IN THE MIDDLE OF A BUSY, CROWDED STREET IN LESS THAN 10

22. MINUTES?

23. HA!

24. YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME, WOULD YOU?

25. BUT NOW YOU CAN, WITH MY NEW EEZ-ZEE STOOLSTRIP TESTER.

26. FIRST THINGS FIRST.

27. WET YOUR STOOLSTRIP WITH YOUR TONGUE.

28. NEXT, STICK IT INTO YOUR STOOL AND SWISH IT AROUND.

29. THIS IS THE FUN PART.

30. IT'S READY.

31. HOLD IT UP TO YOUR EYEBALL AND WATCH FOR THE NUMBERS TO APPEAR.

32. OH!

33. OH, I ALMOST FORGOT.

34. TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE TESTING YOUR OWN STOOL AND NOT YOUR

35. NEIGHBOR'S, PRESS ON THE THUMB IDENTICATOR AUTHENTICATORS.

36. HOLD IT DOWN WITH YOUR THUMBS FOR UP TO TWO MINUTES.

37. IT HELPS IF YOU HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF STOOL ON YOUR THUMB.

38. OH!

39. TOO MUCH STARCH!

40. >> >> UH, KNOCK KNOCK.

41. >> UH, YES.

42. MAYOR'S OFFICE.

43. WHO'S THERE, PLEASE?

44. >> UH, IT'S TOM PETERS.

45. >> HEY, TOM.

46. >> I WANTED TO COME BY AND TELL YOU I GOT A CASE OF THE GOOD

47. NEWS/BAD NEWS.

48. >> OH, GREAT.

49. UM, I'LL TAKE THE BAD NEWS FIRST.

50. >> ALL RIGHT.

51. WELL, THE BAD NEWS IS IT TURNS OUT MY STEPSONS ALL HAVE VERY

52. HIGH LEVELS OF STARCH IN THEIR SYSTEM.

53. >> OH, NO.

54. >> I'M NOT SURE IF YOU'RE AWARE OF THE WHOLE STARCH PROBLEM

55. GOING THROUGHOUT TOWN.

56. >> OH, YEAH.

57. MY TV WAS JUST TELLING ME ABOUT THAT STARCH PROBLEM.

58. REAL BUMMER.

59. >> BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS I'VE BEEN TESTING THEIR STOOL FOR

60. STARCH FOR ABOUT A WEEK NOW.

61. BRENDON, REMEMBER NOT TO FLUSH.

62. I GOTTA CHECK YOUR STOOL FOR STARCH.

63. AND I THINK I'VE ISOLATED THE SOURCE OF THE STARCH IN THE

64. SCHOOL CAFETERIA, BUT YOU KNOW, I'D LIKE TO GET IN THERE AND GET

65. SOME EVIDENCE.

66. >> UNDERCOVER, TOM.

67. >> UM, EXCUSE ME?

68. >> TOM, THIS IS SIMPLE.

69. YOU NEED TO GO UNDERCOVER.

70. YOU NEED TO DRESS UP LIKE A STUDENT, BREAK IN THE SCHOOL, SO

71. YOU CAN GET CLOSE TO THOSE MASHED POTATOES.

72. >> UH... YEAH, I— >> TOM, TRUST ME ON THIS.

73. I'VE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH.

74. I'M GONNA TAKE AN HONORARY VICE PRINCIPAL POSITION SO I CAN BE

75. YOUR POINT MAN ON THE INSIDE.

76. >> OK, JUST RIGHT OFF THE BAT, I SEE ONE BIG PROBLEM.

77. MY HEIGHT.

78. YOU KNOW, MOST KIDS IN SCHOOL ARE A LITTLE SHORTER.

79. NOT TO MENTION THE LOW SOUND OF MY VOICE.

80. >> WAIT FOR IT.

81. GREAT.

82. >> HEY, PETER.

83. IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

84. LET ME JUST EXPLAIN THE HEIGHT REDUCTION PROCEDURE.

85. THE FIRST THING WE'RE GOING TO DO IS REMOVE YOUR KNEE AND

86. ENTIRE SHIN BONE.

87. JUST GET THAT OUT OF THERE.

88. THEN WE'RE SIMPLY GOING TO REATTACH YOUR FOOT TO THE BOTTOM

89. OF YOUR THIGH.

90. NOW, VOICE AUGMENTATION IS A FAIRLY ROUTINE PROCEDURE.

91. WHAT WE DO IS REMOVE YOUR VOCAL CHORDS AND ATTACH THEM TO WHAT

92. LOOKS LIKE A HIGH-TECH RACK OF SOME SORTS.

93. HA HA HA HA HA!

94. >> HELLO, MY NAME IS STANLEY.

95. HELLO, MY NAME IS STANLEY.

96. >> ONCE THE NEW PITCH IS FOUND, WE SIMPLY REATTACH THE VOCAL

97. CHORDS TO YOUR VOCAL CHORD HARNESS BACK THERE, AND UH—

98. HA HA HA!

99. HA HA HA HA HA!

100. >> UM, YOU KNOW, I'M JUST NOT

101. SURE ABOUT THIS, GUYS.

102. >> UM, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, TOM.

103. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT.

104. BUT JUST FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I DID A LITTLE COMPUTER SIMULATION

105. OF WHAT YOUR CHILDREN COULD LOOK LIKE IN A COUPLE WEEKS IF

106. THEY'RE EXPOSED TO THESE— >> AAH!

107. >> HIGH LEVELS OF STARCH.

108. >> SURE THAT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.

109. >> ♪ THERE'S A NEW KID IN TOWN WHOA, LOOK AT HIM GO

110. HE'S THE HEAD OF THE CLASS OH, WHOA

111. YOU KNOW HE'S GONNA MAKE THAT SCENE

112. >> HEY, DUDES, I'M THE NEW KID AROUND

113. HERE.

114. NAME'S WILSON BRIAR.

115. CHECK THIS OUT.

116. >> OH, HO HO!

117. COOL TAG, MAN.

118. W'SUP?

119. >> HEY, BRO, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

120. >> YO, YO, YO, MY NAME IS SCROTCH.

121. >> HEY, SCROTCH.

122. >> YEAH, YEAH, YOU AND ME SHOULD HANG SOMETIME.

123. I CAN TELL YOU'LL BE GREAT TO ROLL WITH.

124. >> >> OH, HELLO, THERE.

125. WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 8, 8:33 A.M.

126. THE CHILDREN HAVE ACCEPTED ME AS ONE OF THEIR OWN.

127. UNDERCOVER STARCH TEST MISSION IS OFF TO A GOOD START.

128. OVER.

129. >> >> HELLO, CLASS. MAYOR HERE.

130. I'D LIKE FOR YOU ALL TO MEET OUR NEW STUDENT WILSON BRIER.

131. >> >>

132. MAN, I LOVE THESE REDS.

133. >> LOOK AT THAT FRIGET.

134. >> OH, HEY, BRENDON.

135. I MEAN, YOU FRIGET.

136. >> HA HA HA!

137. YO, WILSON, CHECK IT OUT.

138. >> AAH!

139. >> OH, NO.

140. WILSON, YOU CRAZY.

141. HA!

142. SCHOOL BELL RINGS] >> MMM.

143. ACTUALLY, THESE ARE GOOD 'TATOES.

144. HEY, DUDES, ANYBODY GOT ANY REDS?

145. I'D LOVE A SMOKE AFTER LUNCH.

146. >> WOW, HE'S SO AWESOME.

147. TOTALLY RAD.

148. >> UH, TOM PETERS HERE, AKA WILSON BRIER.

149. STARCH TEST IN PROGRESS.

150. POTATOES ARE DIGESTING AND SHOULD TURN INTO STOOL WITHIN

151. THE HOUR, OVER.

152. WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?

153. "I HEART BAD BOYZ."

154. OH, UH, THANK YOU, YOUNG LADY.

155. UM, OH, I MEAN, WHATEVAH, HOT BITCH.

156. >> HEY, WILSON.

157. HOW'S YOUR FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL?

158. >> MAYOR, I GOTTA TELL YOU, I THINK THIS IS WORKING OUT—

159. >> WHOA, WHAT'S THIS?

160. >> OH, THAT'S NOTHING.

161. IT'S JUST, UH—SOMEBODY GAVE ME THAT.

162. >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT SCHOOL YOU CAME FROM, BUT WE CERTAINLY

163. DON'T ALLOW LOVE LETTERS IN JEFFERTON.

164. GIVE ME THAT, WILSON.

165. KEEP AN EYE ON LOVE LETTERS

166. AND GENERAL HOOLIGANISTICS.

167. >>

168. DARN IT.

169. >> COME ON, GET UP.

170. OH, DON'T BE A BABY.

171. OH, YOU'RE GONNA CRY?

172. GET UP, I SAID.

173. BIG HEAD FRIGET.

174. WHY YOU LYING THERE?

175. WHAT, DOES YOUR DADDY DRIVE A MILK TRUCK?

176. COTTON CANDIED APPLE FACE.

177. >> OH, HEY, SCROTCH.

178. >> OH, YO, WILSON, LOOK WHO I FOUND.

179. MUST BE MY BIRTHDAY.

180. >> OH, LOOK WHO IT IS.

181. OUR LITTLE FRIGET FRIEND.

182. >> COME ON, WILSON, TAKE A SHOT.

183. IT'S ON THE HOUSE.

184. >> YEAH, SCROTCH, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS BEAUTY.

185. >> OH, DAMN!

186. OH, YEAH!

187. YEAH, OH, NO, YEAH!

188. >> SORRY, SON.

189. IT'S YOUR PAP PAP.

190. I DON'T MEAN TO DO THIS.

191. I'M DOING IT FOR YOU, SON.

192. I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU GET SICK.

193. >> OH, NO, WILSON, YOU'RE LIKE A BIG FIGHTER, AREN'T YOU?

194. >> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

195. STOP, BOYS.

196. BOYS, COME ON.

197. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

198. >> OH, HEY, MAYOR.

199. SORRY ABOUT THIS.

200. >> OH, WILSON, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN.

201. GET YOUR LITTLE ASS IN MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW.

202. HEY, SCROTCH.

203. YOU GOTTA CHECK OUT THIS DEUCE I JUST DROPPED.

204. IT'S PRETTY SWEET.

205. >> >> AH...

206. >> SO, UH, WELL, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE A BOWEL MOVEMENT

207. IN, UH, A HALF HOUR OR SO.

208. >> YOU'VE BEEN A REAL NAUGHTY BOY, HAVEN'T YOU, WILSON?

209. >> ALL RIGHT, MAYOR.

210. I THINK WE SHOULD DROP THE FACADE, NOW.

211. >> WILSON, WILSON, WILSON, WILSON.

212. WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH YOU?

213. GET YOUR ASS UP ON MY DESK RIGHT NOW.

214. >> UH, ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH.

215. >> TIME FOR A SPANKING, LITTLE BOY.

216. 1.

217. >> AAH!

218. >> 2.

219. >> AAH!

220. >> 3.

221. >> AAH!

222. >> 4.

223. >> AAH!

224. >> 5.

225. >> HAVING SOME MAJOR PROBLEMS WITH MY POINT MAN ON THE INSIDE.

226. I GUESS MY DISGUISE IS JUST TOO GOOD.

227. MUST THINK OF OTHER OPTIONS TO EXPOSE THE STARCH PROBLEMS.

228. MUST CONTINUE.

229. I'M DOING THIS FOR MY SONS.

230. COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

231. STUPID THING.

232. >> OOP, I KNEW IT!

233. STARCH LEVELS ARE OFF THE CHARTS.

234. IT'S THAT DARN CAFETERIA FOOD.

235. >> >> SON? BRENDON?

236. IS THAT YOU?

237. IT'S ME, YOUR STEPDAD, TOM PETERS.

238. CAN YOU RECOGNIZE ME?

239. I WAS UNDERCOVER AND THAT'S— UH, WHY I HAD TO BEAT YOU UP

240. EARLIER.

241. UM, YOU KNOW, I DID IT FOR YOU.

242. YOU KNOW? I JUST— THE ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT IS

243. YOU GUYS.

244. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

245. I THINK I KINDA DID IT FOR MYSELF, TOO.

246. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I FELT LIKE PEOPLE CARED ABOUT ME,

247. CARED ABOUT WHO I WAS.

248. AND UH, I JUST—I FELT COOL, I GUESS, AND MAYBE I LET IT GET TO

249. MY HEAD, BUT I JUST FELT LIKE I FIT IN PERFECTLY HERE, ON MY OWN

250. TERMS, AS MYSELF.

251. >> >> COME ON, MY LITTLE BUSTER.

252. KEEP THE CHIN UP.

253. LOOK, YOUR PAP PAP'S GOT A WHOLE BIG BAG OF FRESH BM THAT PROVES

254. HE WAS RIGHT THE WHOLE TIME.

255. HUH, BETTER GET THIS DOWN TO CITY COUNCIL BEFORE IT SPOILS.

256. >> >> OH, HONEY, THAT IS SO SWEET

257. OF YOU.

258. IT LOOKS JUST LIKE ME.

259. NO! STOP!

260. THIS ISN'T RIGHT!

261. I'M SORRY, SWEETHEART, I'M ON A DETECTIVE MISSION HERE.

262. I'M AN ADULT MAN.

263. AAH! HA HA!

264. >> UH, MR. MAYOR, WOULD YOU MIND EXPLAINING AGAIN WHY EXACTLY WE

265. ARE CLOSING ALL THE SCHOOLS IN JEFFERTON...

266. UH...

267. PERMANENTLY?

268. >> AGAIN, THE FOOD BEING SERVED IN OUR SCHOOL CAFETERIAS HAS

269. DANGEROUSLY HIGH AMOUNTS OF STARCH, AND THAT'S WHY I HAD TO

270. SHUT THEM ALL DOWN.

271. AND NOW— WELL, JUST WAITING FOR THE NEW

272. BANNERS TO CHANGE HERE.

273. AND NOW I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO THE MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR

274. SOLVING THIS STARCH EPIDEMIC.

275. FRESH FROM HIS RE-HEIGHTENING SURGERY, TOM PETERS!

276. >>

277. EXCUSE ME.

278. THANK YOU FOR HAVING— HAVING—OH!

279. [CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE