Tom Goes to the Mayor 2x13

Directed by

Garry Shandling as Captain Pat Lewellen (voice) • Janeane Garofalo as Self (voice) • Mark Womack as Brandon (voice)

Tom and The Mayor take a couples therapy cruise.

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1. >> A MESSAGE FROM THE OIL TURTLE CHARITY FUND.

2. >> HI. I'M JANEANE GAROFALO.

3. HA HA HA!

4. WHILE THE EFFORTS TO CLEAN UP OUR LAKES AND BODIES OF WATER

5. HAVE BEEN NOBLE, THEY'VE COME AT A COST.

6. IF WE CONTINUE TO REDUCE THE AMOUNT OF OIL DUMPING INTO OUR

7. WATER SUPPLY, OIL TURTLES WILL FACE EXTINCTION.

8. SO SEND THE MAYOR A MESSAGE...

9. >> LOUD AND CLEAR, TV.

10. >> OH, HELLO.

11. >> MAYOR'S OFFICE.

12. >> IT'S TOM PETERS HERE.

13. >> HELLO, TOM.

14. >> YOUR COMPLAINT BOX WAS FULL, SO I JUST WANTED TO DROP THIS

15. VHS OFF TO YOU.

16. >> OK. LET ME TAKE A LOOK.

17. >> ALL RIGHT. WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE HERE, I THINK JEFFERTON

18. POWER MESSED UP AND ACCIDENTALLY PUT ONE OF THEIR

19. ELECTRICAL TOWERS RIGHT ON MY PROPERTY.

20. >> OH, NO.

21. >> NOT A BIG DEAL, BUT, UM, YOU KNOW, WE'RE GETTING SOME

22. SPORADIC YARD FIRES FROM ALL THE HEAT AND NOT TO MENTION

23. SOME OF MY BOYS ARE DEVELOPING SOME, YOU KNOW, TUMORS ON THEIR

24. HEAD.

25. >> WELL, EVERYTHING LOOKS FINE TO ME, BUT LET ME DIAL UP MY

26. TEMPORARY ASSISTANT, AND WE'LL HAVE HER TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

27. >> OH. PARDON ME HERE.

28. UH, TOM PETERS' PHONE.

29. >> YES. UH, JOY, PLEASE.

30. >> UH, WELL, THIS IS HER HUSBAND'S CELL PHONE.

31. >> HUSBAND?

32. UM, JOY'S NOT MARRIED.

33. >> MM. THAT DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT.

34. UM...

35. UH, SHE SAID SHE WAS SINGLE?

36. >> OH, YEAH. ALL THE TIME.

37. HOW DO YOU KNOW JOY?

38. >> WELL, SHE'S MY WIFE.

39. >> OH.

40. I SEE.

41. WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU TWO ARE HAVING SOME PRETTY SERIOUS

42. RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS.

43. >> WELL, YEAH.

44. IF I CAN BE HONEST, SHE HAS BEEN BRINGING UP THE WHOLE

45. DIVORCE CONCEPT.

46. >> RIGHT.

47. YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN HAVING MY OWN PROBLEMS WITH JOY.

48. >> SHE'S—YOU KNOW, SHE IS REALLY HARD TO COMMUNICATE

49. WITH, AND, YOU KNOW, I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW MANY CHANCES I

50. HAVE LEFT, YOU KNOW?

51. I'M TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK, AND I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO

52. DO.

53. >> YOU KNOW, TOM, I THINK I MAY HAVE A SOLUTION FOR YOU.

54. YOU HEARD OF CAPTAIN PAT'S COUPLES RETREAT?

55. >> UH, I DON'T THINK SO.

56. >> WELL, IT'S A 10-DAY CRUISE RIGHT IN THE JEFFERTON MAN-MADE

57. LAKE.

58. IT'S CAPTAINED BY PAT LEWELLEN, AND AS YOU KNOW, HE'S PROBABLY

59. THE LEADING EXPERT IN THESE KIND OF RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS.

60. >> OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, IT SOUNDS GREAT.

61. >> PLUS THERE'S A 24-HOUR MEXICAN AMERICAN BUFFET.

62. >> OK.

63. >> AND SOME WONDERFUL OIL TURTLE SIGHTSEEING.

64. >> OK. WELL, YOU KNOW, I COULD LOOK AT OUR CALENDAR AND JUST

65. FIGURE OUT WHEN THE BEST TIME FOR US TO—

66. >> ♪ ALL ABOARD

67. >> HMM. THEY JUST LOOK LIKE DIRTY TURTLES TO ME.

68. I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS.

69. ECH.

70. THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

71. OH. LOOK AT THIS.

72. I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE.

73. DARN IT!

74. ANOTHER YARD FIRE.

75. WHAT ARE THOSE MEN DOING IN MY HOUSE?

76. >> HEY, SAILOR.

77. >> OHH! MAYOR, YOU SPOOKED ME.

78. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GONNA BE ON THE CRUISE.

79. >> HA HA!

80. HOW YOU DOING, TOM?

81. WHERE'S YOUR PARTNER?

82. >> OH, WELL, JOY COULDN'T MAKE IT.

83. UM, YOU KNOW, SHE'S KIND OF A LANDLUBBER.

84. >> RIGHT.

85. >> PLUS SHE HAD SOME STUFF TO DO AROUND THE HOUSE.

86. >> COUPLES, PLEASE REPORT TO

87. THE MAIN DINING AREA FOR COUPLES ORIENTATION.

88. >> COME ON, TOM.

89. CAN'T MISS ORIENTATION.

90. >> OH. I'LL MEET YOU INSIDE THERE.

91. >> OK.

92. >> TOM PETERS' PHONE.

93. >> HEY, JOY.

94. HEARD YOU'RE GONNA BE ALONE TONIGHT.

95. >> HE—HELLO.

96. HELLO. WHO'S THIS?

97. >> WRONG NUMBER. BYE-BYE.

98. >> MM.

99. >> FIRST OF ALL, WELCOME ABOARD, EVERYBODY.

100. THANK YOU FOR HAVING THE COURAGE TO COME ON CAPTAIN PAT

101. LEWELLEN'S FIX-IT RELATIONSHIP CRUISE, AND LET'S JUST START

102. FIRST OF ALL WITH A BIG AHOY.

103. >> AHOY!

104. >> LET'S SAY IT WITH FEELING.

105. >> AHOY!

106. >> I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT AHOY MEANS, BUT IT'S THE

107. COMMUNICATION THAT MATTERS.

108. THAT'S THE LESSON THERE.

109. SO WHY DON'T WE GO AROUND THE BOAT AND ONE BY ONE INTRODUCE

110. OURSELVES?

111. COULD WE DO THAT?

112. >> HI. MY NAME IS THE MAYOR, AND I HAVE A RELATIONSHIP

113. PROBLEM.

114. MY PARTNER IS JOY PETERS, AND SHE'S MY TEMPORARY ASSISTANT.

115. UNFORTUNATELY, SHE'S NOT HERE.

116. SHE HAD SOME OTHER APPOINTMENTS TO ATTEND TO THIS WEEKEND.

117. I'LL PROBABLY BE GETTING IN TOUCH WITH HER LATER TONIGHT.

118. >> YES. BY THE WAY, NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, MAYOR.

119. YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.

120. >> THANKS, PAT.

121. >> AND YOU, SIR.

122. >> OH, ME?

123. UH, WELL, MY NAME IS TOM PETERS, AND I ALSO HAVE A

124. RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM.

125. >> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

126. TOM IS NOT THE ONLY ONE HERE WITH A RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM.

127. I'VE HAD 21 RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS, 8 OF WHICH HAVE ENDED

128. IN OPEN AND HONEST FRIENDSHIPS, AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.

129. NOT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

130. YOU'RE OK.

131. >> ALL RIGHT.

132. WELL, UH, AND MY PARTNER IS ALSO JOY PETERS.

133. SHE'S THE MAYOR'S TEMPORARY ASSISTANT, BUT FOR THESE

134. PURPOSES, SHE'S MY WIFE.

135. >> AHOY.

136. >> AHOY!

137. >> HI, JOY.

138. TOM PETERS HERE.

139. HI, HON.

140. LOVE YOU, MISS YOU.

141. UH, THIS IS OUR FIRST DAY ON THE CRUISE, AND I JUST, UH—I'M

142. MISSING THE HECK OUT OF YOU.

143. KIND OF WONDERING WHAT SOME OF THOSE MEN ARE DOING GOING IN

144. AND OUT OF OUR HOUSE ALL DAY.

145. UH, BUT I WON'T PRY.

146. I'M HERE FOR US, AND I'M COMMITTED TO MAKING IT WORK,

147. AND I HOPE YOU ARE, TOO.

148. >> OH, HEY, TOM.

149. >> MAYOR, YOU SPOOKED ME AGAIN.

150. >> OH, I'M SORRY, BUDDY.

151. LISTEN, TOM.

152. SINCE WE'RE BOTH GONNA BE ALONE ON THIS CRUISE, PAT THOUGHT IT

153. WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA IF WE PARTNER UP.

154. >> HE DID? OK.

155. UH, YOU KNOW, I'M JUST A— >>

156. OH, MAN, TOM.

157. SEA AIR IS MAKING ME REAL POOPED.

158. LET'S HIT THE SACK.

159. WE GOT A BIG DAY OF EXERCISES TOMORROW.

160. >> TOM PETERS' PHONE.

161. >> HEY, JOY.

162. I'M WEARING MY MAYOR'S HAT AGAIN AND NOT MUCH ELSE.

163. >> MAYOR, IT'S TOM PETERS' PHONE.

164. >> COUPLES, PLEASE REPORT TO

165. THE MAIN DECK FOR OUR MORNING EXERCISES.

166. >> OK. I HAVE THIS LITTLE EXERCISE CALLED PASSIONATE

167. WHISPERS.

168. EVERYONE JUST TURN TO YOUR PARTNER AND TELL THEM SOMETHING

169. EROTIC WITHOUT USING WORDS.

170. NOW HERE'S THE KEY AND WHY I CALL IT "WHISPERS" WHEN I SAY,

171. "PASSIONATE WHISPERS."

172. JUST USE SOUNDS, OK?

173. >> WHHHOOO, WHOOO.

174. >> MAYOR, THAT'S TURNING THE WHOLE BOAT ON.

175. >> TOM, TOM, TOM, TOM, TOM.

176. BODY PAINTING IS NOT ABOUT PAINTING A PICTURE.

177. IT'S ABOUT JUST LETTING IT GO.

178. I THINK YOU'RE TRYING TO HARD.

179. >> TOM, YOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL REALLY HANDSOME TODAY.

180. I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU FOR THAT.

181. >> OH. YOU KNOW, I'M DOING MY BEST UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

182. >> WHEW!

183. CAPTAIN PAT'S GETTING A LITTLE HUNGRY.

184. LET'S TAKE A TEX MEX BREAK.

185. >> WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON IN THERE?

186. >> TOM, COME ON.

187. WE'RE MISSING THE TRUST BARROW.

188. OK. LEFT HAND ON TRUST, RIGHT HAND ON GROWTH.

189. >> UGH.

190. >> HOLD IT THERE, TOM.

191. >> THIS HURTS MY ARMS.

192. >> IT WILL BE OK.

193. >> THE BLOOD'S GOING RIGHT TO MY—

194. >> DO YOU HAVE IT?

195. HOLD IT STEADY, TOM.

196. >> OW!

197. >> THIS IS HOW WE GROW.

198. >> MAYOR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

199. >> THE TRUST BARROW.

200. >> WHAT IS THE TRUST BARROW?

201. >> OH, IT'S JUST AN EXERCISE I DEVELOPED TO HELP MY PARTNER

202. FLESH OUT SOME OF THAT EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE.

203. >> OH, MY GOD.

204. >> WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON OVER

205. THERE?

206. >> OH, GOD!

207. UNH!

208. OH, GOD!

209. >> THIS CAN'T BE GOOD FOR US.

210. >> HEY, TOM.

211. IT'S COLD OUTSIDE.

212. WHY DON'T YOU COME BACK TO BED?

213. >> MAYOR, I CAN'T.

214. I CAN'T SLEEP.

215. >> WHAT'S GOING ON?

216. >> WELL, THERE'S—THERE'S ALL THESE MEN GOING IN AND OUT OF

217. MY HOUSE, AND I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO TALK TO JOY.

218. I JUST FEEL LIKE THIS IS SUCH A BAD IDEA.

219. >> WELL, WE HAVE ANOTHER 9 DAYS TO WORK ALL THIS STUFF OUT.

220. DON'T WORRY, TOM.

221. >> I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE IT, MAYOR.

222. >> HA HA HA!

223. AHH.

224. PAT WAS SURE RIGHT ABOUT YOU, TOM.

225. >> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

226. >> IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO JUMP SHIP, GET BACK TO YOUR WOMAN.

227. UNH!

228. UNH!

229. >> MAN OVERBOARD.

230. >> MAN OVERBOARD.

231. >> GO ON. GET.

232. TURN ON BACK, FRIENDS.

233. THIS IS MY FIGHT.

234. >> AAH!

235. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

236. >> JOY, WHAT ARE THESE MEN DOING IN MY BED?

237. >> I TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES—THESE MEN ARE INSTALLING

238. A TOILET IN MY BED!

239. >> OH, JOY.

240. I AM—I AM SO SORRY.

241. I COULD HAVE SWORN THERE WAS SOME FUNNY BUSINESS GOING ON IN

242. HERE.

243. >> WHAT ARE THOSE FILTHY TURTLES DOING IN MY HOUSE?

244. >> FRIENDS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?

245. I TOLD YOU TO WAIT OUTSIDE.

246. I TOLD YOU TO WAIT OUTSIDE.

247. >> SO, TOM, HOW'S THE RELATIONSHIP GOING?

248. >> WELL, YOU KNOW, WE KIND OF TOOK A STEP FORWARD AND THEN A

249. STEP BACKWARD, YOU KNOW?

250. >> WELL, THAT'S PROGRESS, YOU KNOW.

251. >> WELL, YOU KNOW, I THINK WE BOTH—I THINK EVERYBODY LEARNED

252. SOMETHING, YOU KNOW.

253. HOW ABOUT YOU?

254. >> I AGREE, TOM.

255. WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE?

256. >> WELL, IT'S MY APOLOGY SPEECH I WAS GONNA READ.

257. I HOPE IT CLEARS THE AIR.

258. I FEEL A LITTLE BIT RESPONSIBLE FOR, YOU KNOW, WHAT WENT DOWN.

259. >> YEAH. YOU SHOULD.

260. [CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

261. —www.ncicap.org—]