Toast of Tinseltown 1x5

Directed by Michael Cumming

Isaura Barbé-Brown as Snorky • Nell Hudson as Gypsy • Doon Mackichan as Brooke Hooberman • Stuart Milligan as Old Timer Bill • Morgana Robinson as Wildcat Lil

Toast has been signed up to star in a Western. However, after a very bumpy trailer ride Toast finds himself marooned in the desert and no sign of anybody else from the crew.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. It just says "Scream."

2. Yeah, Steven, that's all we need. So, just scream.

3. Shouldn't take too long.

4. Steven, this is Clem Fandango, can you hear me?

5. Yeah, I can hear you, Clem Fan...

6. Why the fuck is Clem Fandango in a trash can?

7. It's a free soaking bath.

8. Didn't have time to go wild river swimming this morning.

9. Of course he didn't. Oh, how stupid of me. I'm terribly sorry.

10. No problem, Steven.

11. And any particular reason why you're dressed as Jack the Ripper?

12. I'm on the penny-farthing today.

13. Oh, right.

14. Just a great way to see LA. Yeah, I'm sure.

15. I bet that's really handy up the hills and across the canyons.

16. No, Steven, a penny-farthing's not practical for that kind of terrain,

17. it's more for Silver Lake, parts of Highland Park.

18. I couldn't give a shit.

19. What have I got to do?

20. Just scream, Steven.

21. Ready when you are.

22. Sounded pretty good to me. Alrighty, so, I'll see you soon, fellas.

23. Have a good day.

24. Sorry, sorry, Steven, that... That really didn't sound like a scream.

25. You what? I said it didn't sound much like a scream.

26. I'll just talk to Clem about it.

27. OK, so we've just discussed it,

28. and, with regret,

29. have to say we both don't feel that sounded like a scream.

30. Yeah, we just discussed it, at length, and,

31. well, neither of us thought it sounded like a scream.

32. Yeah, well, I did think it sounded like a scream.

33. You thought that sounded like a scream? Yeah, I bloody did!

34. What the fuck.

35. OK, so, we've just discussed it,

36. and maybe we could write it down phonetically. Might help.

37. Just take a sec.

38. Phonetically!

39. That's not a scream, that's just uuuuh.

40. Well, why not try it?

41. Well, if I tried that, it would just sound like uuuuh.

42. Give it a go.

43. OK, Steven, we're ready.

44. Uuuuh.

45. I think that might have been worse than the first one, Steven.

46. Yes, because I can't scream!

47. Sorry, Steven?

48. I can't scream.

49. You satisfied? I cannot scream. I've never been able to scream.

50. Even as a small child, I could never scream.

51. Hey, hey, Steven, it's all cool, man.

52. No, I'm sorry. Look, you're going to have to get somebody else.

53. I apologise for wasting your time.

54. Good morning to the both of you.

55. Sorry, Brooke, I couldn't help noticing we're in a stagecoach.

56. Yeah, I needed a little more space this week, I got Orson Welles

57. dropping in, but I'll be back in my regular office real soon.

58. Now, talking of stagecoaches, how would like to appear in a western?

59. A western?

60. Bit old-fashioned, wouldn't you say?

61. This is one of those modern westerns with drugs and aliens.

62. Aliens? Good God!

63. Well, if it doesn't clash with Star Wars, then count me in.

64. You'll be shooting in Death Valley.

65. Death Valley? I've heard that's particularly hot.

66. And what red-blooded man wouldn't want to be dressing up as a cowboy!

67. Next week, you'll be having the time of your goddamned life! Bang, bang.

68. Hello?

69. Uh, sorry, Steven,

70. but there aren't enough unit drivers to take you to our desert location

71. so we're going to have to pull your trailer, if that's OK?

72. Sorry, what was that?

73. Good God!

74. Stop!

75. What the fuck!

76. Heaven help me.

77. Stop the bus!

78. Christ!

79. Uh-ah!

80. Bloody place.

81. Yee-haw! How long you been out in the desert, cowboy guy?

82. Look at his eyes, Gypsy.

83. That must have been one hell of a trip.

84. The fastest way into your mind is through your eyes.

85. That's what Barney told me.

86. Good afternoon.

87. You haven't seen a film set anywhere near here, have you?

88. Is that accent from the past?

89. No.

90. Are you Canadian?

91. No, I'm not.

92. Wait! I know this guy!

93. You were the dude sitting in the creepy photo car.

94. No, no, no, I'm on my way to a film set but my trailer ended up

95. in the middle of the desert, would you believe.

96. Far out, man.

97. Jesus Christ!

98. You scared the shit out of me! Where did you come from?

99. Oh, my God, it's you.

100. Howdy, partner.

101. Yeah, howdy. Erm...

102. My name's Steven Toast, and, uh...

103. ..I need your help.

104. You need my help?

105. You sure?

106. We're all here to help each other, brother.

107. Fantastic. Look, I need to get back to Los Angeles.

108. Is there a town near here where I can get a taxi?

109. Hey, Barney, why don't we take him back to the ranch?

110. OK, now. What if I was to give you a ride back to LA?

111. Would you do something for me, cowboy?

112. That would depend on the nature of the request.

113. In for a penny, in for a pound.

114. My!

115. Say, Snorky, twirl for me.

116. Twirl!

117. Blimey.

118. Get up.

119. Why don't you girls go with blondie, fetch my guitar,

120. and make yourselves look pretty.

121. Daddy's got talk business with his new Canadian buddy.

122. Canadian?

123. Sit down, cowboy.

124. Is that a scorpion?

125. About that favour you said you were going to do for me...

126. Yep. I remember.

127. You know he's out there somewhere.

128. Out in the desert.

129. Who? Whom is out there?

130. Rusty Halloween, that's who.

131. I sent him off a year ago to find me the meanest deadliest

132. sidewinder rattlesnake in the whole damn desert.

133. "But, Uncle Barney, why would you want to bring a nasty-ass

134. "rattlesnake back here?" you might be thinking.

135. I wasn't thinking that.

136. I got plans for that snake.

137. A guy in Sacramento twisted my melons, man,

138. and Barney can't let that roll.

139. You dig?

140. So, I got to send him a messsssssssssssssssssss...

141. .. sssssssssssssss...

142. .. ssssssssssssssssssssage.

143. You dig what I'm saying, cowboy?

144. Yes. I'm sorry about that hissing. I have a speech impediment

145. which means I can't say the word "message" properly.

146. Yes, you can, you said it right there.

147. Did I?

148. Yes.

149. Anyway... I need you to find me Rusty Halloween.

150. That's all very interesting

151. but I've got a part in the new Star Wars movie.

152. Yeah, sure.

153. So... I don't really have time to go searching the desert for snakes.

154. Mm-hm? GYPSY! Ugh!

155. You're going to head in that direction.

156. After about four hours, you'll hit a town called Gaping Hole.

157. Ask for a drifter named Rusty Halloween.

158. Gypsy!

159. Bring out the water.

160. Do you not have a bigger container?

161. That's all we got, cowboy.

162. And don't get any ideas about cutting loose.

163. Or coming back without a snake. You dig?

164. I dig.

165. Now, I just need you to sign this. Snorky!

166. What the hell is that?

167. Oh, this thing? It just says that if you don't do what I ask,

168. then you agree to be hunted down and killed.

169. And what if I refuse to sign it?

170. Between you and me, she's crazy.

171. Likes that shit more than I do.

172. Yeah, so I can see.

173. All right, I'll sign.

174. Just here.

175. Oh, and another thing. Snorky!

176. When you find Halloween, give him this goldfish.

177. Do what?

178. This is Halloween's goldfish. He loves this goldfish.

179. I'm sure he's missing it like hell.

180. You seriously want me to travel across the desert

181. with this goldfish?

182. Bye-bye, cowboy guy.

183. Jim?

184. Hey, Steven.

185. God, a familiar face. What are you doing here?

186. If you want to use the phone, it's not working.

187. Don't you have a mobile?

188. Hm?

189. Listen, to cut a long story short,

190. I'm looking for someone called Rusty Halloween

191. who lives out here in the desert. Do you know him?

192. Jim?

193. Jim?

194. A glass of water, please, barman.

195. And a whiskey, if you'd be so kind.

196. I needed that. Tell me, I'm looking for a man called Rusty Halloween.

197. Do you know him?

198. Rusty Halloween?

199. Snake guy? That's the chap.

200. Well, I recall he owned a private zoo

201. and then one day,

202. he let all his animals roam free here in the desert.

203. I ain't seen him in a while.

204. You know, it was his damn tiger that bit of Sheriff Baker's arm.

205. Sounds like our man.

206. Listen, do you have a toilet here?

207. A toilet?

208. Yes.

209. Oh, um, a latrine.

210. A shit box.

211. A bathroom.

212. Well, sure.

213. It's right upstairs.

214. Ooh.

215. I'm terribly sorry, this must be the wrong room.

216. No, no, no, come on in.

217. My name's Wildcat Lil.

218. I got Wildcat in my name but I got a heart of gold.

219. Howdy, stranger.

220. Whatcha doing here in Gaping Hole?

221. I'm looking for a chap called Rusty Halloween.

222. Geez, that's one hell of an accent, are you from Toronto?

223. No, I'm not from Toronto.

224. You say you're looking for Rusty Halloween? The snake guy?

225. Yes, I am.

226. He hung around here for a while last winter.

227. We're a tightly-knit community.

228. It's just me, bartender, never really says much,

229. Sheriff, Doc Brown, and Bill, the old-timer.

230. The sheriff lost an arm in a fight with a wild tiger, which was

231. one of the animals released from Halloween's private zoo.

232. Yeah, I've just heard that from the old-timer downstairs.

233. That tiger is still out there in the desert somewhere.

234. Do you think the sheriff might know Rusty Halloween's exact whereabouts?

235. He might, but he ain't around right now.

236. He's at an international human rights standards for law enforcement conference in Sweden.

237. Should be back in a few days.

238. Mm.

239. Maybe I'll hang around.

240. Well, that will be just fine.

241. Good Lord.

242. I once heard a preacher in Tucson say that a goldfish

243. is as smart as any human being

244. and if he had heads and arms and legs, well, there would be nothing

245. to stop it becoming president of this here United States.

246. Well, I don't doubt that for a second.

247. You're looking for Halloween, ain't you?

248. Yeah. Mm.

249. I know where he is.

250. You do? Mm-hm.

251. I saw him about two weeks ago. About 20 mile from here.

252. He lives in an old abandoned tin mine out by Silver Creek.

253. An old abandoned tin mine, you say?

254. Yeah.

255. And how do I find it?

256. Well,

257. the best way

258. is Google Maps.

259. In 50 yards, turn right. Then, turn left.

260. Oh, shit!

261. Back in the bag!

262. You're on private property, cowboy.

263. Is that a goldfish in your bag?

264. Yes, it is.

265. You better come inside.

266. Ho-ho! My, oh, my!

267. I can't actually believe it's you, little fella.

268. I'd heard you and the goldfish were close.

269. Shit, is that your real accent?

270. Vancouver, right? Sit down.

271. Listen, I don't suppose you have any food, do you? I'm starving.

272. Food?

273. Supplies ran out weeks ago.

274. All I got left is, uh...

275. ..a little box of anti-snakebite pills.

276. Hey. I've got something to show you.

277. What's that?

278. Dolphin World.

279. In Miami.

280. Oh-ho-ho-ho, baby!

281. Whoo!

282. Welcome home, little buddy.

283. Welcome home.

284. Now, ain't that something.

285. It certainly is.

286. Look, I'm starving, are you sure you don't have anything to eat?

287. Hope you don't mind having the head, mister,

288. because I just can't look him in the eyes.

289. Not a problem.

290. It's most generous of you.

291. Must be a bit weird -

292. finally reuniting with your beloved goldfish,

293. playing with it in the miniature version of Dolphin World in Miami,

294. and then eating it?

295. Lots of crazy things happen out here in the desert.

296. I heard you had a private zoo.

297. That's right.

298. It started out small.

299. A few mice and a hen.

300. And things got out of hand.

301. Tigers, elephants, emus, llamas, apes.

302. Had to let them all go.

303. There's still a tiger out there somewhere.

304. When did you run into Barney?

305. I'm guessing that's the purpose of your visit.

306. Guilty as charged.

307. I heard he sent you out here to get him a giant rattlesnake.

308. That's right, but I haven't seen any.

309. Like you, I can't go back until I find one.

310. That Barney is mad as a pack of baboons.

311. And that Gypsy, who he rolls with,

312. she scares the living shit out of me.

313. She's worse. Mm.

314. Finally told me if I didn't complete his task, he'd kill me.

315. Mentioned something about some chap in Sacramento twisting his melons.

316. That's all very, very puzzling.

317. Ah! That's Barney all right.

318. That was surprisingly filling. May I use your facilities?

319. My what? Your lavatory.

320. Your water closet. Your bathroom...

321. ..as you Americans say, inaccurately.

322. This is just a one-room cabin in the middle of the Death Valley desert,

323. there ain't no water lavatories, you're going to have to go outside.

324. I'm presuming you don't have any toilet paper?

325. A toilet what?

326. Let's hope there aren't any complications.

327. Least that sandstorm's died down.

328. I wouldn't fancy getting any of that up my Khyber.

329. Khyber.

330. Jesus H Christ.

331. Uh.

332. I say, Rusty Halloween!

333. I think I've found your...

334. Snake? Yes.

335. I can't believe it.

336. It's a giant sidewinder rattler.

337. I've been searching for you for months.

338. Open the crate.

339. Now, stay perfectly still and listen very carefully to everything I say.

340. If a rattler feels threatened...

341. .. the best way to avoid attack is to move very, very slowly...

342. .. assess the situation...

343. .. and listen carefully for any...

344. Oh, f...

345. Fucking brilliant.

346. Don't know how I managed that but nice job, even if I say so myself.

347. Now, all I need to do is nail the fucker shut.

348. I'm alive.

349. I wasn't killed by the tiger. Thank God.

350. Oh, shit!

351. Hey, I was talking to Sheriff Baker,

352. and he was telling me all about his lecture at the international

353. human rights standards for law enforcement conference in Sweden.

354. Yeah? So, what did he say?

355. Well, primarily, there are four domains of practice -

356. assessment, primarily pre-employment referrals...

357. I need help.

358. Toast!

359. Looks like your arm's been chewed damn right off!

360. Guess we better clean him up them, Doc?

361. Hot damn!

362. You're lucky, Toast,

363. you've got the kind of arm that can be easily reattached.

364. You need to keep it on ice till you get to a hospital.

365. I'll just give you some more painkillers.

366. It doesn't hurt that much,

367. not since I took some of Rusty Halloween's anti-snakebite pills.

368. Those pills kept you going for a while,

369. but there will be a delayed shock.

370. Believe me, by tomorrow,

371. you'll be praying to the devil himself to ease your pain.

372. Ah, shit.

373. All right, well, thank you very much, Doc Brown.

374. You better get some rest.

375. I, uh, got a bottle of Wild Turkey waiting for me at Ma Reilly's place.

376. I'll see you all tomorrow.

377. Night, Bill.

378. I've got to go and perform a vasectomy early tomorrow.

379. So, I better go.

380. Night, Doc. Good luck with that.

381. I must thank you, Wildcat Lil, you've been very kind to me.

382. It's been nice having you around.

383. I must say, it gets kind of lonely

384. looking at the same old faces all the time and...

385. ..you've got a nice face.

386. Hm.

387. Ooh!

388. Well, this is very good. Very good indeed.

389. And that'll do it.

390. Coffee?

391. Don't mind if I do.

392. Presuming you don't have any tea?

393. No tea here, honey.

394. Ain't got no cups neither so I have to pull it straight into your face.

395. All right, just a little.

396. Last night's sex was superb.

397. You certainly live up to your name, Wildcat Lil.

398. I've never had sex with a one-armed man before.

399. Apart from Sheriff Baker.

400. Where is my arm?

401. It's in the mini fridge.

402. Right, well, I better get back to crazy Barney

403. and deliver his snake pronto.

404. How do I get out of here, my darling?

405. You can borrow my mule and cart.

406. oh, darn it! Doc Brown or Bill must have taken my mule!

407. Can you pull the cart yourself?

408. I'm sure I can manage that.

409. I'll make sure you get your mini fridge back.

410. Lucky it's solar powered.

411. Don't forget your pill. You heard what the doc said.

412. As soon as the painkillers wear off, the pain will be tremendous.

413. Hopefully, you'll be back in LA by then.

414. Let's hope so.

415. You've been very kind to me. I'll never forget you, Wildcat Lil.

416. Goodbye!

417. Bye.

418. Shit.

419. Hey, look who it is.

420. What happened to your arm, cowboy?

421. It was bitten off by a tiger. Your snake's in the wooden box.

422. Hold on, buddy.

423. This snake is dead.

424. It looks all right to me.

425. Don't dance with me, man.

426. This snake is as dry as a goddamn bone.

427. Why didn't you feed him?

428. I don't know. I guess that means we've got to kill you.

429. Ain't that right, Gypsy?

430. Sure is.

431. He signed a contract.

432. Yeah, at gunpoint.

433. And I don't remember any stipulation about the snake having to be alive.

434. Is that right, cowboy?

435. Yes.

436. Turn around now!

437. Step over here.

438. What the hell is that?

439. It's a box with dead rattlesnake in it.

440. What's in the mini fridge?

441. My arm. It got bitten off by a tiger.

442. Is that so? Yeah-yeah.

443. You ever hear an accent like that before, Mickey?

444. Toronto, am I right?

445. Ha-ha-ha!

446. Looks like we've got the hippie that ambushed that movie crew.

447. No, no, no, I'm one of the actors.

448. I'm actually over here to appear in the new Star Wars movie.

449. Oh, yeah, sure.

450. You don't want me, you want these two.

451. Shit. They were there a second ago.

452. Sure they were. All right.

453. Now, get your goddamn hands in the air

454. and don't you move, you Canadian cowboy bastard.