1. Toast. How are you
finding Uncle Sam?
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2. Who?
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3. Uncle Sam. The old US of A.
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4. It's exactly as I expected.
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5. Well, you know what they say.
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6. Sorry, who is this?
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7. It's Ed.
Calling collect from England.
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8. You haven't forgotten me already,
old chap? Oh, yes. Sorry, Ed.
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9. Found anywhere to stay?
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10. Listen, guess who's landed a role
in the latest Star Wars movie.
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11. I'll give you a clue.
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12. Not only is he a great actor,
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13. but also a good friend of yours.
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14. Hopkins?
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15. No.
Ian McKellen?
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16. No.
Tom Conti?
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17. No!
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18. Wow, you've stumped me there, Toast.
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19. Not only is he a fantastic actor,
but also a great friend of yours.
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20. Patrick Stewart?
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21. No! Fucking hell, Ed, it's me.
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22. Ah.
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23. Found anywhere to stay yet?
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24. Well, Ed, as luck would have it,
I sat next to this chap,
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25. Russ Nightlife, on the plane.
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26. He reckoned he needed the rent,
so he give me his address.
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27. That's a stroke of luck.
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28. Strange thing is, he disappeared
halfway through the flight.
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29. I didn't even see him
get off the plane.
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30. That's odd. Have you reported
this to the police?
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31. To the LAPD?
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32. To the FBI?
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33. Calm down, Ed, I think someone might
have watched too much of The Quincy.
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34. So how are you enjoying
the climate, Toast?
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35. Is it always this hot?
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36. You've got some mail.
Really? What is it?
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37. It's just a postcard.
Not worth forwarding on.
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38. Well, who's it from?
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39. It's from Greta Thunberg.
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40. She must know you're
a climate sceptic.
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41. Well, with this heat, I'm beginning
to think Greta has a fair point.
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42. Look, I can't talk to you any
longer, I'd better get back
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43. to the apartment
to see Russ Nightlife.
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44. All the best.
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45. I say, waiter!
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46. Is it always this hot?
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47. My previous roommate was in
the apartment for six months.
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48. He died. Kounis syndrome.
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49. Poor Kounis.
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50. That wasn't his name.
It's the disease he died of.
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51. Oh, sorry, I thought
it was his name.
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52. No, his name was Razzmatazz.
Hercule Razzmatazz.
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53. Thanks for letting me stay, Russ.
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54. You've done me a huge favour.
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55. Did I mention I've got a large part
in the new Star Wars movie?
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56. Yeah. Sure.
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57. Out of interest,
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58. why did you disappear
halfway through the flight?
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59. One minute we were chatting...
OK, Toast, I'll level with you.
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60. I don't have many rules
or regs here,
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61. but I've got to insist that my
roommates be respectable and neat.
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62. You got that?
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63. Understood.
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64. I also don't want you bringing back
any Goddamn hook-ups.
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65. Hook-ups?
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66. That's right.
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67. I'm not up to speed
on your situation,
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68. but looking at you, I'm guessing
that you're a single guy.
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69. I don't mean to smash
your action,
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70. but I've got to keep it clean.
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71. I can't have any strangers
in this apartment snooping around.
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72. So no strangers, no snooping,
and no Goddamn hook-ups.
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73. Fair enough.
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74. Erm, I'll use a motel.
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75. Anyhoo, here's the key.
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76. What?
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77. I'm just fooling around.
That's a joke key.
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78. Oh!
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79. We don't use a key any more,
we use a code.
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80. Will you remember that?
No!
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81. I'm going to text it to you.
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82. All right, I just sent you the code.
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83. I need you to memorise it and then
immediately delete it
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84. from your cell. Capisce?
Capisce.
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85. Ah, I need to take this.
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86. Has he not answered yet, India?
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87. Ugh, no point in getting
him to call me back,
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88. because he's as tight
as a duck's arse,
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89. and they're watertight. Ha!
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90. Is that right, Jane?
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91. I'm guessing you have
tremendous news.
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92. I have tremendous news.
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93. Which is?
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94. Ray Sober is dead.
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95. What?
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96. Ray Sober is dead.
Ray Sober?
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97. Yes, you remember him,
Ray Sober, the actor.
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98. You hated him.
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99. Oh, Ray Sober, yeah.
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100. He was that prick that sent me off
to fetch him a skyhook
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101. and some tartan paint
on my first job.
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102. Ha! The classic fool's errand.
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103. Well, I'm glad he's dead, but why
is that tremendous news, Jane?
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104. Well, Ray Sober was about to star
in a major film over there,
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105. but now, because he's dead,
they fear he won't turn up,
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106. so I reckon you're a shoo-in
for the role.
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107. And apparently, it's going to be the
biggest rom com film of all time.
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108. Rom com?
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109. Do you mean Romley Compton,
the actor?
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110. I didn't even know he was in films.
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111. No, not Romley Compton the actor,
rom com.
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112. It's short for romantic comedy,
like Love Actually
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113. or The Four Weddings
And The Funeral.
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114. I haven't heard
of either of those.
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115. Hang on a second, so I will be
starring in the biggest
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116. science fiction film of all time,
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117. and the biggest rom com film
of all time?
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118. Isn't it amazing?
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119. The biggest science fiction film
of all time
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120. and the biggest rom com film
of all time.
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121. You'll make $1 billion.
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122. $1 billion? Well, I'll take
a pinch of that shit.
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123. Ha!
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124. As long as I'm not
playing the butler.
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125. What?
Brits in Hollywood.
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126. They're always playing butlers,
and if not butlers, murderers.
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127. No, no, you won't be
playing the butler.
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128. Well, what's the plan?
Do you remember Brooke Hooberman?
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129. Yes, I remember.
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130. She handles all the Brits
over there.
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131. I'll text you her number.
Call her pronto.
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132. Is it always this hot, Pronto?
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133. Why are you calling me Pronto?
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134. I don't know.
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135. Jane said to call you that.
Is it a nickname or something?
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136. No, don't call me Pronto.
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137. My name is Brooke Hooberman.
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138. May I ask,
is this your permanent office?
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139. It seems to be a car.
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140. I love British actors.
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141. I've handled them over here
for Goddamn years.
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142. Peter O'Toole, love him.
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143. Larry Olivier, Ollie Reed,
all great guys.
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144. Are they doing OK?
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145. Well, I hate to be the bearer
of bad news, but...
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146. Ray Sober is dead.
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147. Poor bastard can't do the movie now,
he's dead.
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148. Jane recommended you, and the
director took a look at your reel -
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149. he thinks you're the Goddamn guy.
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150. You got a bit of time
before the Star Wars movie, right?
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151. You mean the biggest science fiction
movie of all time?
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152. Yeah, anyway, the director
is Dwight Difference.
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153. I'll arrange a Zoom call with him.
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154. All right. Well, as long as
I'm not playing the butler.
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155. What?
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156. You know, British actors,
always playing the butler
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157. or the murderer.
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158. It is the butler.
You'll be playing the butler.
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159. Right.
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160. But the butler turns out
to be the murderer,
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161. so you're playing the butler
AND the murderer.
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162. I thought it was a rom com.
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163. A what?
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164. Dwight signed up a real A-lister
to play the lead.
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165. This guy wants to meet you before
they officially offer you the part.
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166. Who is this A-lister?
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167. Ah, Dwight's keeping shtoom,
but he's big.
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168. Oh, I need you to do me
a Goddamn favour.
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169. What?
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170. Are you friends with David Bowie?
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171. What?
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172. Well, you're from London,
you must know David.
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173. I have something belonging to him.
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174. You know the suit he wore
in the 1983 Serious Moonlight tour?
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175. No.
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176. Well, it's in that suitcase
next to you.
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177. He left it here years ago,
and then he never collected it.
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178. Could you give that back to him
next time you see him in London?
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179. Well, again, I hate to be the bearer
of bad news, Brooke, but...
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180. Could you do that for me, Toast?
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181. I've got to meet my next actress.
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182. Right.
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183. You've got to get out,
I've got to meet my next girl.
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184. Oh, right, OK.
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185. Ah, Natasia, great news
about the vampire comedy, huh?
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186. Hey.
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187. Didn't mean to barge in.
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188. Wasn't sure where you were.
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189. Well, you can see me
through the glass.
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190. Could you get that?
Get what?
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191. It's Billy.
Could you just buzz her in?
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192. Who's Billy? What time is it?
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193. It's 6.00am.
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194. What?
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195. Hello?
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196. Yeah, I'm letting you in.
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197. What?
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198. Who is she?
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199. What?
Who is that woman?
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200. Hold on a second.
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201. What were you saying?
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202. Who is that lady?
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203. That's Billy. She helps me out.
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204. Billy, can I have a can of soda?
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205. What do you think of that?
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206. Shit!
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207. Did you ever do that
at immigration?
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208. No, but as an actor, I've found it
useful for both comedy and drama.
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209. Ah. My agent, checking in.
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210. Your agent?
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211. You with the FBI?
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212. No, my acting agent.
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213. Oh!
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214. I'm just going to go lie down.
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215. He's in a funny mood.
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216. But hey, guess he's always in
a funny mood.
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217. You speak English?
Yeah!
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218. Just not in front
of Russ Nightlife.
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219. It's easier that way.
He's not the kind of person
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220. you want to get into a long
conversation with.
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221. It's best if he thinks
I don't speak English.
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222. Yeah, he is very odd.
Yeah.
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223. He rarely leaves this apartment.
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224. And don't provoke him,
because he'll get frightened
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225. and he'll try to fight you.
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226. You know that whole
fight or flight response
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227. to a tense situation?
Yes.
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228. What would you do?
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229. Well, it would depend
on the situation.
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230. Yeah, he is VERY odd.
Mm.
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231. Hey, you know what? I've got to go
Zoom with this British guy,
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232. so I'll call you back, all right?
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233. Holy Moley!
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234. Holy mackerel.
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235. Oh, my God, Catherine, if you could
see what I'm looking at right now.
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236. He looks like he's calling
from jail.
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237. He looks like a sex nuisance.
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238. Erm, hello there. Just so you know,
you're not muted.
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239. Shit. Hey, Catherine,
I'm going to call you back.
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240. I am so sorry.
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241. It's OK.
I am incredibly mortified.
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242. I am so sorry.
No. Forget it.
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243. I'm Steven Toast, and I'm assuming
you're Dwight Difference.
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244. I am Dwight Difference, and I am
very excited about the possibility
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245. of us working together.
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246. I met with Brooke Hooberman,
who suggested I get in touch
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247. with you regarding
your new motion picture.
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248. Now, when you mentioned my name,
did she sort of mumble
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249. under her breath,
like kind of a growl?
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250. Now you bring it up,
I think she did.
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251. You know, I've got to tell you,
I love your accent.
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252. I love it.
Can you say something else?
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253. Something else.
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254. You know, I love that.
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255. You know Shakespeare?
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256. Let me hear some Shakespeare.
Yeah.
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257. "Drink provokes the desire
but takes away the performance."
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258. That's from Macbeth.
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259. Is that Shakespeare?
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260. Yes, it is.
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261. Is he English?
Yes, he was.
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262. Did not know that.
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263. That is so cool.
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264. You know something?
You're going to be great in my film.
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265. Not to mention the fact that we have
a major star playing the lead.
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266. Really? Who is it?
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267. I bet you want to know.
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268. I got to tell you this,
he's British, just like you,
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269. and he's a little reclusive,
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270. so he wants to meet you before
I offer you the part.
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271. It's a formality, but everything's
going to be all right, OK?
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272. It's going to be beautiful.
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273. Did I mention I'm starring
in the new Star Wars movie?
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274. Yeah, sure.
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275. All right, so I've got to go.
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276. I will see you at the Canyon Cafe,
4.00 this afternoon.
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277. Say it after me.
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278. Canyon Cafe, 4.00. I'll be there.
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279. I love that accent.
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280. Oh, by the way, remember to wear
some tennis shorts.
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281. Tennis shorts?
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282. Jim!
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283. Hey, Steven.
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284. Nice shorts, man.
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285. I thought you were in Paris.
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286. How's Jane?
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287. Jane's good, yeah.
I'm glad I saw you, hold on.
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288. I'll just give you my...
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289. What the f...?
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290. Hey!
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291. I'm Nina Armenian,
Dwight's assistant.
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292. All right. Dwight suddenly had to
take a short skiing holiday,
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293. but I'll be organising things
for you today.
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294. He what? He had to suddenly
take a skiing holiday.
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295. He says it's too hot in LA.
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296. Well, he's right about that.
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297. When do I get to meet
this major star?
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298. Our major star is British,
and like a lot of you British guys,
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299. he's kind of eccentric, you know?
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300. And he wants you to
do something for him.
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301. What's that?
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302. He needs to see your knees.
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303. He's got this thing about knees.
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304. Are you serious?
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305. He says the knees have to look right
and not be too distracting,
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306. otherwise it's a deal-breaker.
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307. Well, this is bloody odd.
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308. Not how I thought I'd get my
first major Hollywood movie role.
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309. Never a dull moment in
Hollywood, right?
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310. What?
Follow me, please.
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311. Is that a two-way mirror?
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312. Yes! How did you guess?
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313. He's behind the mirror.
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314. Yeah, I thought so.
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315. This is going so great.
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316. He's now asked if you could turn
and stand in profile.
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317. Bit kinky, all this, isn't it?
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318. Wouldn't be surprised if it was
Mark Rylance behind the mirror.
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319. I know he's into this
kind of rumshenanigan.
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320. He says he's very grateful.
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321. I bet he is.
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322. When do I get to meet him?
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323. Not just yet.
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324. He says he doesn't feel quite ready.
He's sure you understand.
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325. Understand what?
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326. Makes me wonder what kind of crazy
shit he'll get up to on set.
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327. Oh, great,
he's got everything he needs.
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328. He says you can go now.
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329. The whole thing was very odd indeed.
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330. Russ, can I ask you
a personal question?
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331. Due to our situation,
it could be relevant.
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332. What is it?
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333. Do you have OCD?
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334. You mean obsessive-compulsive
disorder?
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335. Yes. Do you have OCD?
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336. Why do you ask?
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337. Because you've spelt OCD
with your peas.
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338. Oh, weird.
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339. Didn't know I did that,
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340. but no, I don't have OCD.
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341. Ah, thanks.
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342. Hold on, these shrimps,
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343. are they definitely dead?
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344. Billy, did you get these
from the usual fish place?
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345. Yeah, but are they definitely dead?
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346. I thought I saw some movement,
a sign of life.
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347. Well, they look pretty dead to me.
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348. Well, how do you know?
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349. Billy, did you get any
documentation certifying
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350. that they're definitely dead?
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351. What did she say?
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352. She said they were caught in Alaska,
so she's guessing
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353. there's a fair chance
they didn't survive the journey.
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354. Toast!
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355. I don't think you appreciate
how serious I am about this.
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356. Jesus, this guy looks like a dog.
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357. That Goddamn white streak
makes him look like an asshole.
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358. He looks like a fucking asshole,
like skunkhead.
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359. Maybe he's in the witness
protection programme, I don't know.
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360. Maybe he's going through something.
Just so you know, you're not muted.
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361. Fuck me.
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362. All right, I've got to go. Bye.
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363. I am so sorry.
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364. I am terribly, terribly sorry.
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365. You know, I'm juggling my cellphone,
I've got the iPad...
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366. It's OK.
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367. These things, they happen.
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368. Now, listen, Toast,
I'm so glad you called.
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369. He wants to meet you.
Who does?
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370. "Who does?" Our Goddamn star,
that's who, our A-lister.
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371. He is ready to say hello personally.
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372. Yesterday's knee thing went
so great, and now he thinks
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373. it's time to, you know, finally meet
face-to-face.
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374. Great. When's it happening?
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375. Tomorrow. I'm hosting a big
Hollywood party.
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376. It's a fancy dress party,
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377. a David Bowie-themed fancy
dress party.
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378. Ooh, I like the sound of that.
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379. I'm going as Ziggy Stardust.
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380. Yes, I did think you looked
a little different.
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381. So that look is gone.
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382. You can't look like
Ziggy Stardust, OK?
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383. You need another David Bowie
costume, because as I say,
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384. Ziggy is gone.
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385. No Ziggy. Very well.
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386. This movie's going to be
my best ever, I can smell it.
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387. Great. I did presume you were
going to be here.
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388. I'm actually in Alaska.
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389. It's such a shame I can't meet you
in person, Toast,
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390. but it won't stop me
from enjoying this party.
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391. Anyway, our star
is dying to meet you.
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392. Is he here yet?
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393. I don't see him there.
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394. One thing, Toast, you see anybody
else dressed like Ziggy Stardust,
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395. tell Nina Armenian to throw 'em out,
all right?
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396. Hello?
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397. Hi, I'm Paul Rudd, I'm here
for the Dwight Difference party.
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398. Are you dressed as Ziggy Stardust?
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399. Yes.
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400. I'm so sorry, Dwight's already
selected that costume,
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401. so I'm afraid you're not allowed
to enter the premises.
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402. Drink, sir?
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403. Why not?
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404. I knew David Bowie.
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405. Charming chap.
Always carried explosives.
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406. Is it always this hot?
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407. Are you English?
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408. Yes. Is it that obvious?
I'm an actor.
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409. Are you Anthony Hopkins?
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410. No. He's Welsh.
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411. I'm actually here because I'm
starring in the new Star Wars movie.
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412. Yeah, sure.
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413. What did you say?
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414. I said make sure you see
the beautiful garden.
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415. It was actually the first garden
in America, created in 1965.
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416. You never know
who you might see there.
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417. I saw Simon Garfunkel once.
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418. Oh, it's one person?
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419. For years, I assumed
they were a double act.
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420. Anyway, you might bump into
a few celebrities out there.
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421. OK, sounds great.
Do you fancy a stroll?
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422. Sorry, sir, I'm not allowed
to socialise in any way with guests.
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423. Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.
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424. Ah, wishing well.
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425. So it is.
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426. Ooh!
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427. I knew very little of science
fiction before I accepted the role,
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428. so to win this Oscar
is very special.
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429. Very special indeed.
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430. Thank you.
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431. Hello.
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432. Toast, Toast, snap out of it.
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433. Toast! Snap out of it!
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434. Where a...? Where am I?
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435. What the hell happened, Steven?
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436. I was attacked by a man in a
David Bowie Ashes To Ashes costume.
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437. This man?
That's him. That's who attacked me.
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438. Shit, that's just Daniel
being Daniel.
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439. Who?
Daniel Day-Lewis, you goof.
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440. That's who.
He's the A-lister in our movie.
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441. Daniel Day-Lewis was
the Ashes To Ashes man?
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442. Yes. He just wanted to say hello.
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443. Jesus, I think you might have
blown it, Steven.
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444. I mean, you bit his ear off.
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445. I what?
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446. You lost all control, Toast.
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447. Daniel has gone straight to the
hospital whilst his team search
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448. the gardens for his missing ear.
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449. Really? What the fuck's
the matter with you?
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450. They've been looking for it
for three hours.
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451. Do you remember biting it off,
Steven? No.
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452. I mean, I may have slightly
panicked, you know,
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453. the fight or flight response
to a tense situation.
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454. I chose fight.
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455. Which was the wrong response.
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456. Yes, in hindsight,
I should have chosen flight.
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457. Do you think this might affect
our movie?
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458. Nina, take me inside.
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459. Yes, Dwight.
No, wait, wait...
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460. Dumb Limey asshole.
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461. Should've known not to hire someone
who looks like a pimp from the '70s.
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462. Apart from the fight
with Daniel Day-Lewis,
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463. where they claim I bit his ear off,
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464. I'd say the party
was a huge success.
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465. The movie's not going ahead.
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466. Finished.
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467. You messed up big time, buddy.
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468. Daniel Day-Lewis has pulled out.
You bit his Goddamn ear off.
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469. He's gone into retirement.
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470. He's never going to make a movie
ever again.
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471. Bit of an overreaction,
wouldn't you say?
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472. You bit his ear off!
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473. I've no recollection
of that at all.
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474. It doesn't matter what you
recollect, you crazy bastard,
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475. the main thing is the movie
is not happening.
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476. My son-in-law...
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477. ..is real pissed.
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478. Well, thank goodness I still have
the Star Wars movie
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479. to look forward to.
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480. Have you seen the state
of David Bowie's costume?
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481. What the hell
are you going to tell him?
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482. Tell who?
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483. OK, here's my next meeting.
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484. Good God, it's Edward Fox.
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485. Toast? What the hell
are you doing here in LA?
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486. I'm starring in the new
Star Wars movie.
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487. Yeah, sure.
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488. What's this rumshenanigan
I hear about you
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489. chomping off Daniel Day-Lewis' ear?
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490. The poor bugger just
came out of retirement.
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491. How the hell did you know that?
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492. Toast, your time with me is over.
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493. I'm now in a meeting with
Edward Fox.
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494. Please vacate the vehicle.
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495. Toodle-pip, Toast.
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496. Where's Billy?
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497. Don't worry about Billy.
Billy's going to be fine.
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498. You just concentrate
on standing still,
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499. and put that apple on your head.
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500. You got a problem with that?
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501. If I'm honest, Russ,
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502. it's not really the Tinseltown
experience I imagined.
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503. Just put the apple on your head,
keep the dialogue to a minimum,
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504. and your head... still.
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505. All right.
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