1. This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
Copy !req
2. Any second now.
You a JFK fan, Steven?
Copy !req
3. You have any strong opinions
about his assassination? No.
Copy !req
4. Though I do know, due to
the actions of one skinny loser,
Copy !req
5. I'm here yet again voicing another
bullshit conspiracy theory.
Copy !req
6. Well, according to this
Mirrornek guy, it was his wife.
Copy !req
7. I couldn't give two fucks.
Copy !req
8. How many words is this?
Copy !req
9. Hello, Steven, this is
Clem Fandango, can you hear me?
Copy !req
10. How many words, Clem Fandango?
Copy !req
11. About 100,000 words.
Copy !req
12. Phew, that's a lot of bullshit.
Copy !req
13. He's very angry today. Yeah.
Copy !req
14. What's with this laptop?
Copy !req
15. He's not going to join us, is he?
Is he?
Copy !req
16. Sorry to interrupt, Steven,
Sola Mirrornek is about
Copy !req
17. to join us from Dallas. Why?
Copy !req
18. Just wants to keep an eye on things.
Copy !req
19. He's going to appear
on the laptop in front of you.
Copy !req
20. He should be there now. Yes.
Copy !req
21. Steven Toast, meet Sola.
Yeah, hello.
Copy !req
22. What? Hello, Sola, this is
Clem Fandango, can you hear me?
Copy !req
23. Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
Copy !req
24. Brilliant. Let's start.
Copy !req
25. In your own time, Steven.
Copy !req
26. The...
Copy !req
27. All right, hold it, hold it.
Copy !req
28. I just need to stop you there.
No problem. What is it, Sola?
Copy !req
29. Did he say "duh"?
Copy !req
30. No, he didn't. He said "the".
Copy !req
31. Huh. Sounded to me like duh.
Copy !req
32. I don't know,
maybe it's his English accent.
Copy !req
33. And can I also say, just for the
record, the idea of an English actor
Copy !req
34. reading this came from my publisher,
not from me.
Copy !req
35. I need to make that totally clear,
I hated the idea.
Copy !req
36. OK, still rolling.
Copy !req
37. The idea... You know what?
Copy !req
38. Now that I hear it,
I'm not so sure.
Copy !req
39. I never really liked that first
sentence, I might do a...
Copy !req
40. I might do a quick rewrite.
Copy !req
41. This is bullshit.
Copy !req
42. I lost my train of thought.
Copy !req
43. Forget it, forget it.
Copy !req
44. It's probably OK as it is,
keep going.
Copy !req
45. Action.
Copy !req
46. The idea that John F Kennedy...
Copy !req
47. Alarm bells.
Copy !req
48. There's a touch of cynicism in his
voice. You guys hear that too?
Copy !req
49. Cynicism?
And another thing,
Copy !req
50. I heard what you said about Oswald
being a lone assassin.
Copy !req
51. Only an asshole would believe that!
Copy !req
52. So, if you don't mind, I'd rather
you kept your personal prejudices
Copy !req
53. to yourself, you got that?
Copy !req
54. OK, Steven,
you want to make a note of that?
Copy !req
55. Yeah, I'll make a note of that.
Copy !req
56. The idea that John F Kennedy was
killed by a single assassin
Copy !req
57. is not only an impossibility,
it's also bullshit.
Copy !req
58. Wait a second, wait a second -
Copy !req
59. are you serious,
is this guy a real actor?
Copy !req
60. There, there.
Copy !req
61. I should hate him.
Copy !req
62. But actually, I miss him terribly!
Copy !req
63. Have another tissue, Sue.
Copy !req
64. Won't you run out?
Copy !req
65. I always have lots of tissues
for distressed clients.
Copy !req
66. What's the matter with her?
Copy !req
67. Ah, Toast, this is Sue Pipkins,
she's just joined the agency.
Copy !req
68. Why is she weeping?
Her husband left her.
Copy !req
69. What, today? Six weeks ago.
Copy !req
70. Six weeks ago?
Are you fucking kidding? Is that it?
Copy !req
71. You could have got
remarried in that time.
Copy !req
72. To be honest, I'm not surprised
your husband left you
Copy !req
73. with all this blubbering.
Copy !req
74. Shut up, Toast.
Copy !req
75. Oh, I'm so sorry, Sue!
Copy !req
76. Sorry, Sue.
Copy !req
77. Really, Toast!
Copy !req
78. Why are you so angry all the time?
Copy !req
79. What do you want, Jane?
Copy !req
80. I have tremendous news.
Copy !req
81. I finally heard back
from the Sam Mendes people. Who?
Copy !req
82. Sam Mendes, famous film director.
Copy !req
83. And?
Copy !req
84. I'm afraid you didn't get the part
of the agoraphobic fighter pilot.
Copy !req
85. That audition was 15 years ago,
Jane.
Copy !req
86. But I've had another enquiry
about you -
Copy !req
87. more reality TV,
could be a money-spinner.
Copy !req
88. Never again. Why not?
Copy !req
89. Shit.
Copy !req
90. Broken neck.
Copy !req
91. Ah, yes. Strictly no dancing.
Copy !req
92. Strictly Come Dancing, Jane.
Copy !req
93. What kind of dancing show would it
be without any dancing on it?
Copy !req
94. I've no idea. To be honest, I'll not
sure why it's called Come Dancing.
Copy !req
95. Hopefully it's nothing to do with
the Strictly curse, what?
Copy !req
96. May I remind you, Toast,
Copy !req
97. that the cash you earned from
Strictly prevented you
Copy !req
98. from gripping the oak and spending
two years at Her Majesty's,
Copy !req
99. and what thanks do I get?
Copy !req
100. Do you know what you are, Toast?
Copy !req
101. You're a BLEEP.
Copy !req
102. Jane!
Copy !req
103. No other word for it, I'm afraid.
Copy !req
104. Yes?
Copy !req
105. Great!
Copy !req
106. Brilliant news!
Copy !req
107. I didn't want to say anything
until it'd been confirmed,
Copy !req
108. and now it has been. What has?
Copy !req
109. Do you remember a man telling you
Copy !req
110. to keep your voice down
in Tesco's last week?
Copy !req
111. Yes, some soppy Yank carrying
a small dog.
Copy !req
112. That soppy yank, as you call him,
was Neil Doubledecker,
Copy !req
113. who happens to be a top Hollywood
producer. Who cares?
Copy !req
114. All these British actors obsessed
with working in America.
Copy !req
115. If you're in a shit show,
it doesn't matter where you film it,
Copy !req
116. you may as well be in your own bed.
Copy !req
117. Neil Doubledecker is interested in
you for a role in his new movie.
Copy !req
118. Oh, right. So when can I meet
this Doubledecker?
Copy !req
119. "DOOB-ledecker". He thinks you're
absolutely brilliant.
Copy !req
120. I showed him your showreel, he was
literally bowled over. Fantastic.
Copy !req
121. He thinks you're the best actor
he's ever seen anywhere,
Copy !req
122. and that if you were to
appear in one of his films,
Copy !req
123. you could almost certainly win
a Critics' Choice Award.
Copy !req
124. Well, that sounds great.
It does, doesn't it?
Copy !req
125. It's utterly marvellous!
Your big break at last, Toast.
Copy !req
126. At last! Yeah!
Copy !req
127. There is, however,
one small obstacle in the way,
Copy !req
128. there's another actor who
Doubledecker thinks is
Copy !req
129. equally as good as you.
Copy !req
130. In fact, he thinks this actor may be
slightly better. Ugh, no.
Copy !req
131. He has to choose between you and...
Copy !req
132. Who?
Copy !req
133. Ray bloody Purchase?
Copy !req
134. Never mind.
Let's assume you'll get the gig.
Copy !req
135. This could actually be an opportune
time for you
Copy !req
136. to depart to the US of A.
Copy !req
137. Talking of Americans,
Copy !req
138. how did you get on with that author,
Sola Mirrornek?
Copy !req
139. I'll tell you how I got on with him,
Copy !req
140. that bastard had the audacity to ask
whether I was a professional actor.
Copy !req
141. Well, are you? What?
Copy !req
142. Look, Toast,
it's between you and Purchase.
Copy !req
143. You'd better make sure you do
a brilliant audition.
Copy !req
144. Audition?
Copy !req
145. He is terribly, terribly angry,
all the time.
Copy !req
146. Yes, Jane,
he really is terribly angry.
Copy !req
147. Maybe we should organise some
kind of intervention?
Copy !req
148. I'm actually thinking I may
send him to a doctor.
Copy !req
149. Yes, India?
Toast's on his way up. Ugh.
Copy !req
150. He's here, Ed. Better hang up.
Copy !req
151. Ah, Toast.
Copy !req
152. Look, Toast, I'll come straight
to the point - do you think,
Copy !req
153. both as an actor and a human
being, you've turned into an angry
Copy !req
154. and unreasonable piece of shit?
Copy !req
155. That's a bit strong, isn't it, Jane?
Copy !req
156. Your language really has become
increasingly fruity.
Copy !req
157. I'm no more angry than
I've ever been.
Copy !req
158. Several people have mentioned it.
Copy !req
159. Like who? Idris Elba.
Copy !req
160. Who?
Copy !req
161. Your peculiar flatmate, Ed.
Copy !req
162. And there's an article about
it in The Stage.
Copy !req
163. Luckily, it's The Stage
and only actors read that,
Copy !req
164. in the way that only gardeners
read The Garden.
Copy !req
165. The Guardian.
Copy !req
166. No, The Garden, gardening magazine.
Copy !req
167. Look, Toast, I've been thinking,
Copy !req
168. I really think
you need to see a doctor.
Copy !req
169. I don't trust doctors.
Copy !req
170. Last time I had a bad back,
he told me to join a choir. He what?
Copy !req
171. The doctor told me
I should go to choir practicer.
Copy !req
172. Well, maybe he meant a chiropractor?
Copy !req
173. A what? Something to do with backs.
Copy !req
174. Look, Toast, I'm going
to book you the appointment.
Copy !req
175. I just need to get you through
this audition tomorrow.
Copy !req
176. Be very calm, very polite. Yes.
Copy !req
177. You keep that famous Toast anger
under control, alrighty?
Copy !req
178. Yes?
Copy !req
179. Thanks for letting me know.
Copy !req
180. What's the matter with you, Jane?
Copy !req
181. You've got a face like a slapped
arse. Bad news, I'm afraid.
Copy !req
182. The producer's just offered the role
to Ray Purchase. What?
Copy !req
183. Apparently Ray went in there,
did his best Cary Grant,
Copy !req
184. charmed them all,
got offered the job on the spot.
Copy !req
185. Perhaps Doubledecker
knows about your temper?
Copy !req
186. Hello, George. Francis, how's life?
Copy !req
187. Ugh, you're kidding.
Copy !req
188. Just the usual, please.
Copy !req
189. Hold back on the water,
I know what you're like.
Copy !req
190. Oh.
Copy !req
191. Sorry, Toast,
I didn't notice you there.
Copy !req
192. I was just about to phone you,
as it happens.
Copy !req
193. Bad luck, losing out on that
career-changing Hollywood movie gig.
Copy !req
194. The word is you lost out
Copy !req
195. because they heard you have a
bit of an anger issue.
Copy !req
196. Anyway.
Copy !req
197. No hard feelings.
Copy !req
198. And don't worry about
that 50 you owe me,
Copy !req
199. whenever you've got it, it's fine.
Copy !req
200. In fact, look, here's another 50.
Copy !req
201. I haven't been around for a while,
Toast, I expect you've noticed.
Copy !req
202. No.
Copy !req
203. In fact, something really
serious happened.
Copy !req
204. I reached...
Copy !req
205. .. peak anger.
Copy !req
206. Peak anger?
Copy !req
207. Yes, peak anger.
Copy !req
208. I figured I should do
something about it
Copy !req
209. so I booked myself into this
countryside retreat.
Copy !req
210. Yoga, meditation,
that kind of thing. Ha!
Copy !req
211. Run by a fantastic chap
called Des Wigwam.
Copy !req
212. Who specialises in anger management.
Copy !req
213. Yeah, I'll bet.
Copy !req
214. Smashing guy, super people there.
Copy !req
215. Anyway, now I feel...
Copy !req
216. .. not angry any more.
Copy !req
217. I'm a whole new "Ray Purchase".
Copy !req
218. Why are you doing quotation marks
with your fingers?
Copy !req
219. You are Ray Purchase.
Copy !req
220. I suppose I'm the new "improved"
Ray Purchase. Spare me.
Copy !req
221. Toast, after what happened,
Copy !req
222. I think you should go and
see this Wigwam guy.
Copy !req
223. Here, look, I'll give you his card.
Copy !req
224. I feel... great.
Copy !req
225. I feel terrible.
Copy !req
226. Your name looks familiar.
Copy !req
227. Do you ever get confused with...?
Copy !req
228. Dr Harold Shipman?
Copy !req
229. Thankfully, I'm not him.
Copy !req
230. No, luckily I dodged a bullet
on that front. My name's Shitman.
Copy !req
231. Dr Harold Shitman.
Copy !req
232. Please take a seat.
Copy !req
233. Your blood pressure's dangerously
high, you're not breathing freely
Copy !req
234. and there's a serious risk
of heart failure.
Copy !req
235. I'm not a doctor,
what does all that mean?
Copy !req
236. It means you need
to change your lifestyle.
Copy !req
237. You're an actor, aren't you?
Copy !req
238. I saw the piece in The Stage about
you being very angry.
Copy !req
239. I thought only... Actors read that?
Copy !req
240. The way only doctors read
The Doctor's Surgery?
Copy !req
241. Well, I'm an actor and a doctor. Oh.
Copy !req
242. There's a place in the country
people go to,
Copy !req
243. run by a smashing chap called...
Copy !req
244. Les Tepee? No. Des Wigwam.
Copy !req
245. That's what I meant.
Copy !req
246. Let me give you his card.
Copy !req
247. He said my blood pressure is
dangerously high,
Copy !req
248. I'm not breathing freely and there's
a high risk of heart failure.
Copy !req
249. I'm not a doctor,
what does all that mean?
Copy !req
250. It's not good, apparently.
Copy !req
251. I have an idea, Toast.
Copy !req
252. Something that might interest you.
Copy !req
253. Well, she looks charming enough
Copy !req
254. but I fear I may come a cropper
with the old dicky ticker.
Copy !req
255. No, there is another place people
keep telling me about,
Copy !req
256. an anger management unit
run by a chap called Chris Marquee.
Copy !req
257. Or was it Rob Scout Hut?
Something like that.
Copy !req
258. Do you mean Des Wigwam? That's it.
Copy !req
259. I've heard he's very good.
You should go there, Toast.
Copy !req
260. You've been on edge a lot lately.
Yeah, I have.
Copy !req
261. Who the fuck is that?
Copy !req
262. And what kind of arsehole would
call now, when we're having our tea?
Copy !req
263. Answer me that?
Copy !req
264. You can't, Ed, can you? You can't!
Copy !req
265. Looks like peak anger.
Copy !req
266. I think I need help.
Copy !req
267. How far is this bloody place?
Copy !req
268. Bloody situation this is,
I don't even want to bloody be here.
Copy !req
269. That was me, just two years ago.
Copy !req
270. And this is me today.
Copy !req
271. That's what my anger led me to,
alcohol.
Copy !req
272. Homelessness.
Copy !req
273. A shitty attitude.
Copy !req
274. But I turned my life around.
Copy !req
275. And you can too.
Copy !req
276. People ask me, "Why, Des, why?"
Copy !req
277. I say, "Who?"
Copy !req
278. They say, "What?"
Copy !req
279. Oh, I don't believe it. What?
Copy !req
280. That's Steven Toast,
he was incredibly rude to me. Why?
Copy !req
281. My husband had just left me,
Copy !req
282. so I had a breakdown,
Copy !req
283. Toast was totally unsympathetic.
Copy !req
284. I read he was one of the most angry
people in show business.
Copy !req
285. A real piece of shit.
Copy !req
286. OK. For the first exercise today,
Copy !req
287. I'd like you all
to just walk around the room.
Copy !req
288. Oh, God.
Copy !req
289. Come on, start walking.
Copy !req
290. Nice and slow.
Copy !req
291. Very good, very good.
Copy !req
292. OK, everybody, stop.
Copy !req
293. Look at the person closest to you.
Copy !req
294. Look closely at this person.
Copy !req
295. How does he or she make you feel?
Copy !req
296. What do you think?
Copy !req
297. Steven?
Copy !req
298. Oh, erm...
Copy !req
299. I feel nothing but utter contempt.
Copy !req
300. Disgust, horror, hatred,
Copy !req
301. even looking at her makes me
feel physically sick.
Copy !req
302. OK, don't say the words out loud.
Copy !req
303. Right.
Copy !req
304. How do you feel about that, Sue?
Copy !req
305. Shit.
Copy !req
306. That didn't go according to plan.
Copy !req
307. It's early days.
Copy !req
308. Right, Steven?
Copy !req
309. I can honestly say I I've never felt
less angry in my entire life.
Copy !req
310. It took a while with you, Toast.
Copy !req
311. You were a particularly difficult
case, but we got there in the end.
Copy !req
312. Well, I have to thank you.
Thank you, Des Wigwam.
Copy !req
313. It's what we do. You see,
we close down all your emotions.
Copy !req
314. You'll never get angry again. But
neither will you feel anything else.
Copy !req
315. Happiness, relief, satisfaction,
love, contentment, sorrow or pain.
Copy !req
316. Well, you kept that quiet. Did I?
Copy !req
317. Well, you must be furious with me.
Copy !req
318. No, I feel absolutely nothing.
Copy !req
319. Great.
Copy !req
320. You are now anger-free.
Copy !req
321. Just one final thing - you
will feel copious amounts of guilt.
Copy !req
322. Well, it's interesting you
say that, the first thing I'll do
Copy !req
323. when I get home is I'm going to
apologise to every single person
Copy !req
324. I've ever been rude to.
Copy !req
325. Good luck, Toast.
Copy !req
326. I've forgotten my case.
Yeah, it's just there.
Copy !req
327. Annoyed?
Copy !req
328. Not at all. Great.
Copy !req
329. The first person I'm going to
apologise to is Purchase.
Copy !req
330. Now, I know we've had our
differences in the past but I happen
Copy !req
331. to think he's an all-right guy
and I'm sure the feeling's mutual.
Copy !req
332. You'll see.
Copy !req
333. I'm obviously going to be
very famous!
Copy !req
334. And make lots and lots of money!
Copy !req
335. Darling, I'm in a particularly
good mood.
Copy !req
336. What's say we spend the afternoon...
Copy !req
337. Oh, not now, Ray.
Copy !req
338. Purchase.
Copy !req
339. Hi, Ray, me old pal, it's Toast.
Copy !req
340. Yes, I'd like to apologise for being
rude to you over the years and
Copy !req
341. not to mention, feeling extremely
guilty for making love to your wife.
Copy !req
342. In your bed, sometimes
when you've been in the house
Copy !req
343. and sometimes
when you've been in the bed.
Copy !req
344. Every week for the past 20 years.
Copy !req
345. So, sorry chap, and all the best!
Ha!
Copy !req
346. What's the matter, Ray?
Copy !req
347. Toast said he's been making
love to you
Copy !req
348. in our bed
Copy !req
349. every week for the last 20 years.
Copy !req
350. Really?
Copy !req
351. Hmm. I don't remember that.
Copy !req
352. He's probably mistaken you
for someone else.
Copy !req
353. I know you're completely innocent,
my darling.
Copy !req
354. But on the off chance that he
is telling the truth...
Copy !req
355. ..I need to teach Toast a lesson!
Copy !req
356. Oh, honestly, Ray, you should be
in a terrific mood after being
Copy !req
357. offered a role in that
Hollywood movie.
Copy !req
358. But you look like you're suddenly
getting angry again.
Copy !req
359. I wonder if there's anything about
it in the small print?
Copy !req
360. Oh, there it is.
Copy !req
361. In tiny, tiny letters,
Copy !req
362. "Normal emotions may return if the
Copy !req
363. "patient is reminded of a previous
trauma or hears some bad news."
Copy !req
364. I'm going out!
Copy !req
365. So, Jane, I've decided to meet lots
of people in the Colonial later.
Copy !req
366. I'm going to apologise to every
man Jack and woman Jack
Copy !req
367. of them individually.
Copy !req
368. I'm here, Toast.
Copy !req
369. Oh, yes.
Copy !req
370. That should cover it. Thanks, Toast.
Copy !req
371. Sorry for everything, Ian.
Copy !req
372. Now for this lot.
Copy !req
373. I say, thank you all for coming.
Copy !req
374. I owe each one of you a sincere
apology for my anger over the years.
Copy !req
375. I'm actually getting
quite emotional.
Copy !req
376. Keep it together, Toast.
Copy !req
377. You're making a tomfool
of yourself.
Copy !req
378. Yes, you're right, Blair.
Copy !req
379. By the way, Toast, you owe me £200.
Copy !req
380. Well, I've given all my cash to Ian,
to pay my bar tab.
Copy !req
381. Bar tab?
Copy !req
382. Toast, the only reason all of us
are here tonight
Copy !req
383. in this bugger house is
because we thought you
Copy !req
384. were going to repay our loans.
Copy !req
385. That's the only reason we're here.
Copy !req
386. Now, what say you, sir?
Copy !req
387. Good Lord.
Copy !req
388. You'll be lucky.
Copy !req
389. By my reckoning,
Copy !req
390. I'd say I'm the only man in this
room that owes you, Toast.
Copy !req
391. This.
Copy !req
392. It's for making love to my wife
Copy !req
393. in my bed,
Copy !req
394. sometimes when I was in the house,
Copy !req
395. actually, sometimes
even when I was in the bed!
Copy !req
396. For the last 20...
Copy !req
397. Oh, yeah! Come on, Purchase,
ruck in there!
Copy !req
398. Knock him out!
Copy !req
399. What have you got, Toast?
Copy !req
400. Oh, my goodness.
Copy !req
401. Purchase!
Copy !req
402. Come on, Purchase!
Copy !req
403. All right, gentlemen,
£20 on the man in the moustache.
Copy !req
404. God, not in the knackers.
Copy !req
405. Oh, my giddy Aunt Sally!
Copy !req
406. That'll teach you,
Ray bloody Purchase.
Copy !req
407. Champagne, sir?
Copy !req
408. It's an 1841 Veuve Clicquot.
Copy !req
409. I'll bet it is!
Copy !req
410. There you go, sir.
Copy !req
411. Jane? I'm safely on the plane.
Copy !req
412. Away from the baying mob.
Copy !req
413. Can you believe they only turned up
to collect money off me?
Copy !req
414. Ha! Saved in the nick of time.
Copy !req
415. Now, let me give you some more
details about the terrific
Copy !req
416. stroke of luck you've had.
Copy !req
417. With Purchase now
out of the picture,
Copy !req
418. I immediately contacted Doubledecker
to say you were still
Copy !req
419. very much available.
Copy !req
420. He said yes immediately, they're
even paying for your flight.
Copy !req
421. Ha! Thank God for Doubledecker.
"DOOB-ledecker".
Copy !req
422. And hooray for Hollywood,
you're going to Tinseltown, Toast.
Copy !req
423. Can you believe it?
Copy !req
424. How's Ray Purchase?
Copy !req
425. Two broken legs
and a badly sprained neck,
Copy !req
426. he'll be out of action for months.
Copy !req
427. Two broken legs, fantastic!
Copy !req
428. Everything's worked out dandy,
Jane, just dandy.
Copy !req
429. Have a nice day! Ha!
Copy !req
430. I almost forgot, what's the name of
the movie that I'm going to be in?
Copy !req
431. The latest Star Wars movie.
Copy !req
432. You've heard of the Star Wars,
I take it?
Copy !req
433. Yes, Jane,
Copy !req
434. even I've heard Star Wars.
Copy !req
435. Excuse me, buddy?
I think you're in my seat.
Copy !req
436. Oh, yes.
Copy !req
437. Apologies, old chap.
Copy !req
438. Toast.
Copy !req
439. Steven Toast.
Copy !req
440. I'm Nightlife.
Copy !req
441. Russ Nightlife.
Copy !req
442. Pleased to meet you.
Copy !req