Toast of Tinseltown 1x1

Directed by Michael Cumming

Nigel Betts as Dr. Harold Shitman • Larry David as Sola Mirronek • Caroline Harker as Sue Pipkins • Sarah Mayhew as Nancy • Kayvan Novak as Des Wigwam

After a successful visit to an anger management centre, Toast is a new man and sets about apologising to all the people he's been rude to. However, when he reveals the extent of his wrongdoing to Purchase, the pair come face to face at the Colonial Club.

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1. This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

2. Any second now. You a JFK fan, Steven?

3. You have any strong opinions about his assassination? No.

4. Though I do know, due to the actions of one skinny loser,

5. I'm here yet again voicing another bullshit conspiracy theory.

6. Well, according to this Mirrornek guy, it was his wife.

7. I couldn't give two fucks.

8. How many words is this?

9. Hello, Steven, this is Clem Fandango, can you hear me?

10. How many words, Clem Fandango?

11. About 100,000 words.

12. Phew, that's a lot of bullshit.

13. He's very angry today. Yeah.

14. What's with this laptop?

15. He's not going to join us, is he? Is he?

16. Sorry to interrupt, Steven, Sola Mirrornek is about

17. to join us from Dallas. Why?

18. Just wants to keep an eye on things.

19. He's going to appear on the laptop in front of you.

20. He should be there now. Yes.

21. Steven Toast, meet Sola. Yeah, hello.

22. What? Hello, Sola, this is Clem Fandango, can you hear me?

23. Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.

24. Brilliant. Let's start.

25. In your own time, Steven.

26. The...

27. All right, hold it, hold it.

28. I just need to stop you there. No problem. What is it, Sola?

29. Did he say "duh"?

30. No, he didn't. He said "the".

31. Huh. Sounded to me like duh.

32. I don't know, maybe it's his English accent.

33. And can I also say, just for the record, the idea of an English actor

34. reading this came from my publisher, not from me.

35. I need to make that totally clear, I hated the idea.

36. OK, still rolling.

37. The idea... You know what?

38. Now that I hear it, I'm not so sure.

39. I never really liked that first sentence, I might do a...

40. I might do a quick rewrite.

41. This is bullshit.

42. I lost my train of thought.

43. Forget it, forget it.

44. It's probably OK as it is, keep going.

45. Action.

46. The idea that John F Kennedy...

47. Alarm bells.

48. There's a touch of cynicism in his voice. You guys hear that too?

49. Cynicism? And another thing,

50. I heard what you said about Oswald being a lone assassin.

51. Only an asshole would believe that!

52. So, if you don't mind, I'd rather you kept your personal prejudices

53. to yourself, you got that?

54. OK, Steven, you want to make a note of that?

55. Yeah, I'll make a note of that.

56. The idea that John F Kennedy was killed by a single assassin

57. is not only an impossibility, it's also bullshit.

58. Wait a second, wait a second -

59. are you serious, is this guy a real actor?

60. There, there.

61. I should hate him.

62. But actually, I miss him terribly!

63. Have another tissue, Sue.

64. Won't you run out?

65. I always have lots of tissues for distressed clients.

66. What's the matter with her?

67. Ah, Toast, this is Sue Pipkins, she's just joined the agency.

68. Why is she weeping? Her husband left her.

69. What, today? Six weeks ago.

70. Six weeks ago? Are you fucking kidding? Is that it?

71. You could have got remarried in that time.

72. To be honest, I'm not surprised your husband left you

73. with all this blubbering.

74. Shut up, Toast.

75. Oh, I'm so sorry, Sue!

76. Sorry, Sue.

77. Really, Toast!

78. Why are you so angry all the time?

79. What do you want, Jane?

80. I have tremendous news.

81. I finally heard back from the Sam Mendes people. Who?

82. Sam Mendes, famous film director.

83. And?

84. I'm afraid you didn't get the part of the agoraphobic fighter pilot.

85. That audition was 15 years ago, Jane.

86. But I've had another enquiry about you -

87. more reality TV, could be a money-spinner.

88. Never again. Why not?

89. Shit.

90. Broken neck.

91. Ah, yes. Strictly no dancing.

92. Strictly Come Dancing, Jane.

93. What kind of dancing show would it be without any dancing on it?

94. I've no idea. To be honest, I'll not sure why it's called Come Dancing.

95. Hopefully it's nothing to do with the Strictly curse, what?

96. May I remind you, Toast,

97. that the cash you earned from Strictly prevented you

98. from gripping the oak and spending two years at Her Majesty's,

99. and what thanks do I get?

100. Do you know what you are, Toast?

101. You're a BLEEP.

102. Jane!

103. No other word for it, I'm afraid.

104. Yes?

105. Great!

106. Brilliant news!

107. I didn't want to say anything until it'd been confirmed,

108. and now it has been. What has?

109. Do you remember a man telling you

110. to keep your voice down in Tesco's last week?

111. Yes, some soppy Yank carrying a small dog.

112. That soppy yank, as you call him, was Neil Doubledecker,

113. who happens to be a top Hollywood producer. Who cares?

114. All these British actors obsessed with working in America.

115. If you're in a shit show, it doesn't matter where you film it,

116. you may as well be in your own bed.

117. Neil Doubledecker is interested in you for a role in his new movie.

118. Oh, right. So when can I meet this Doubledecker?

119. "DOOB-ledecker". He thinks you're absolutely brilliant.

120. I showed him your showreel, he was literally bowled over. Fantastic.

121. He thinks you're the best actor he's ever seen anywhere,

122. and that if you were to appear in one of his films,

123. you could almost certainly win a Critics' Choice Award.

124. Well, that sounds great. It does, doesn't it?

125. It's utterly marvellous! Your big break at last, Toast.

126. At last! Yeah!

127. There is, however, one small obstacle in the way,

128. there's another actor who Doubledecker thinks is

129. equally as good as you.

130. In fact, he thinks this actor may be slightly better. Ugh, no.

131. He has to choose between you and...

132. Who?

133. Ray bloody Purchase?

134. Never mind. Let's assume you'll get the gig.

135. This could actually be an opportune time for you

136. to depart to the US of A.

137. Talking of Americans,

138. how did you get on with that author, Sola Mirrornek?

139. I'll tell you how I got on with him,

140. that bastard had the audacity to ask whether I was a professional actor.

141. Well, are you? What?

142. Look, Toast, it's between you and Purchase.

143. You'd better make sure you do a brilliant audition.

144. Audition?

145. He is terribly, terribly angry, all the time.

146. Yes, Jane, he really is terribly angry.

147. Maybe we should organise some kind of intervention?

148. I'm actually thinking I may send him to a doctor.

149. Yes, India? Toast's on his way up. Ugh.

150. He's here, Ed. Better hang up.

151. Ah, Toast.

152. Look, Toast, I'll come straight to the point - do you think,

153. both as an actor and a human being, you've turned into an angry

154. and unreasonable piece of shit?

155. That's a bit strong, isn't it, Jane?

156. Your language really has become increasingly fruity.

157. I'm no more angry than I've ever been.

158. Several people have mentioned it.

159. Like who? Idris Elba.

160. Who?

161. Your peculiar flatmate, Ed.

162. And there's an article about it in The Stage.

163. Luckily, it's The Stage and only actors read that,

164. in the way that only gardeners read The Garden.

165. The Guardian.

166. No, The Garden, gardening magazine.

167. Look, Toast, I've been thinking,

168. I really think you need to see a doctor.

169. I don't trust doctors.

170. Last time I had a bad back, he told me to join a choir. He what?

171. The doctor told me I should go to choir practicer.

172. Well, maybe he meant a chiropractor?

173. A what? Something to do with backs.

174. Look, Toast, I'm going to book you the appointment.

175. I just need to get you through this audition tomorrow.

176. Be very calm, very polite. Yes.

177. You keep that famous Toast anger under control, alrighty?

178. Yes?

179. Thanks for letting me know.

180. What's the matter with you, Jane?

181. You've got a face like a slapped arse. Bad news, I'm afraid.

182. The producer's just offered the role to Ray Purchase. What?

183. Apparently Ray went in there, did his best Cary Grant,

184. charmed them all, got offered the job on the spot.

185. Perhaps Doubledecker knows about your temper?

186. Hello, George. Francis, how's life?

187. Ugh, you're kidding.

188. Just the usual, please.

189. Hold back on the water, I know what you're like.

190. Oh.

191. Sorry, Toast, I didn't notice you there.

192. I was just about to phone you, as it happens.

193. Bad luck, losing out on that career-changing Hollywood movie gig.

194. The word is you lost out

195. because they heard you have a bit of an anger issue.

196. Anyway.

197. No hard feelings.

198. And don't worry about that 50 you owe me,

199. whenever you've got it, it's fine.

200. In fact, look, here's another 50.

201. I haven't been around for a while, Toast, I expect you've noticed.

202. No.

203. In fact, something really serious happened.

204. I reached...

205. .. peak anger.

206. Peak anger?

207. Yes, peak anger.

208. I figured I should do something about it

209. so I booked myself into this countryside retreat.

210. Yoga, meditation, that kind of thing. Ha!

211. Run by a fantastic chap called Des Wigwam.

212. Who specialises in anger management.

213. Yeah, I'll bet.

214. Smashing guy, super people there.

215. Anyway, now I feel...

216. .. not angry any more.

217. I'm a whole new "Ray Purchase".

218. Why are you doing quotation marks with your fingers?

219. You are Ray Purchase.

220. I suppose I'm the new "improved" Ray Purchase. Spare me.

221. Toast, after what happened,

222. I think you should go and see this Wigwam guy.

223. Here, look, I'll give you his card.

224. I feel... great.

225. I feel terrible.

226. Your name looks familiar.

227. Do you ever get confused with...?

228. Dr Harold Shipman?

229. Thankfully, I'm not him.

230. No, luckily I dodged a bullet on that front. My name's Shitman.

231. Dr Harold Shitman.

232. Please take a seat.

233. Your blood pressure's dangerously high, you're not breathing freely

234. and there's a serious risk of heart failure.

235. I'm not a doctor, what does all that mean?

236. It means you need to change your lifestyle.

237. You're an actor, aren't you?

238. I saw the piece in The Stage about you being very angry.

239. I thought only... Actors read that?

240. The way only doctors read The Doctor's Surgery?

241. Well, I'm an actor and a doctor. Oh.

242. There's a place in the country people go to,

243. run by a smashing chap called...

244. Les Tepee? No. Des Wigwam.

245. That's what I meant.

246. Let me give you his card.

247. He said my blood pressure is dangerously high,

248. I'm not breathing freely and there's a high risk of heart failure.

249. I'm not a doctor, what does all that mean?

250. It's not good, apparently.

251. I have an idea, Toast.

252. Something that might interest you.

253. Well, she looks charming enough

254. but I fear I may come a cropper with the old dicky ticker.

255. No, there is another place people keep telling me about,

256. an anger management unit run by a chap called Chris Marquee.

257. Or was it Rob Scout Hut? Something like that.

258. Do you mean Des Wigwam? That's it.

259. I've heard he's very good. You should go there, Toast.

260. You've been on edge a lot lately. Yeah, I have.

261. Who the fuck is that?

262. And what kind of arsehole would call now, when we're having our tea?

263. Answer me that?

264. You can't, Ed, can you? You can't!

265. Looks like peak anger.

266. I think I need help.

267. How far is this bloody place?

268. Bloody situation this is, I don't even want to bloody be here.

269. That was me, just two years ago.

270. And this is me today.

271. That's what my anger led me to, alcohol.

272. Homelessness.

273. A shitty attitude.

274. But I turned my life around.

275. And you can too.

276. People ask me, "Why, Des, why?"

277. I say, "Who?"

278. They say, "What?"

279. Oh, I don't believe it. What?

280. That's Steven Toast, he was incredibly rude to me. Why?

281. My husband had just left me,

282. so I had a breakdown,

283. Toast was totally unsympathetic.

284. I read he was one of the most angry people in show business.

285. A real piece of shit.

286. OK. For the first exercise today,

287. I'd like you all to just walk around the room.

288. Oh, God.

289. Come on, start walking.

290. Nice and slow.

291. Very good, very good.

292. OK, everybody, stop.

293. Look at the person closest to you.

294. Look closely at this person.

295. How does he or she make you feel?

296. What do you think?

297. Steven?

298. Oh, erm...

299. I feel nothing but utter contempt.

300. Disgust, horror, hatred,

301. even looking at her makes me feel physically sick.

302. OK, don't say the words out loud.

303. Right.

304. How do you feel about that, Sue?

305. Shit.

306. That didn't go according to plan.

307. It's early days.

308. Right, Steven?

309. I can honestly say I I've never felt less angry in my entire life.

310. It took a while with you, Toast.

311. You were a particularly difficult case, but we got there in the end.

312. Well, I have to thank you. Thank you, Des Wigwam.

313. It's what we do. You see, we close down all your emotions.

314. You'll never get angry again. But neither will you feel anything else.

315. Happiness, relief, satisfaction, love, contentment, sorrow or pain.

316. Well, you kept that quiet. Did I?

317. Well, you must be furious with me.

318. No, I feel absolutely nothing.

319. Great.

320. You are now anger-free.

321. Just one final thing - you will feel copious amounts of guilt.

322. Well, it's interesting you say that, the first thing I'll do

323. when I get home is I'm going to apologise to every single person

324. I've ever been rude to.

325. Good luck, Toast.

326. I've forgotten my case. Yeah, it's just there.

327. Annoyed?

328. Not at all. Great.

329. The first person I'm going to apologise to is Purchase.

330. Now, I know we've had our differences in the past but I happen

331. to think he's an all-right guy and I'm sure the feeling's mutual.

332. You'll see.

333. I'm obviously going to be very famous!

334. And make lots and lots of money!

335. Darling, I'm in a particularly good mood.

336. What's say we spend the afternoon...

337. Oh, not now, Ray.

338. Purchase.

339. Hi, Ray, me old pal, it's Toast.

340. Yes, I'd like to apologise for being rude to you over the years and

341. not to mention, feeling extremely guilty for making love to your wife.

342. In your bed, sometimes when you've been in the house

343. and sometimes when you've been in the bed.

344. Every week for the past 20 years.

345. So, sorry chap, and all the best! Ha!

346. What's the matter, Ray?

347. Toast said he's been making love to you

348. in our bed

349. every week for the last 20 years.

350. Really?

351. Hmm. I don't remember that.

352. He's probably mistaken you for someone else.

353. I know you're completely innocent, my darling.

354. But on the off chance that he is telling the truth...

355. ..I need to teach Toast a lesson!

356. Oh, honestly, Ray, you should be in a terrific mood after being

357. offered a role in that Hollywood movie.

358. But you look like you're suddenly getting angry again.

359. I wonder if there's anything about it in the small print?

360. Oh, there it is.

361. In tiny, tiny letters,

362. "Normal emotions may return if the

363. "patient is reminded of a previous trauma or hears some bad news."

364. I'm going out!

365. So, Jane, I've decided to meet lots of people in the Colonial later.

366. I'm going to apologise to every man Jack and woman Jack

367. of them individually.

368. I'm here, Toast.

369. Oh, yes.

370. That should cover it. Thanks, Toast.

371. Sorry for everything, Ian.

372. Now for this lot.

373. I say, thank you all for coming.

374. I owe each one of you a sincere apology for my anger over the years.

375. I'm actually getting quite emotional.

376. Keep it together, Toast.

377. You're making a tomfool of yourself.

378. Yes, you're right, Blair.

379. By the way, Toast, you owe me £200.

380. Well, I've given all my cash to Ian, to pay my bar tab.

381. Bar tab?

382. Toast, the only reason all of us are here tonight

383. in this bugger house is because we thought you

384. were going to repay our loans.

385. That's the only reason we're here.

386. Now, what say you, sir?

387. Good Lord.

388. You'll be lucky.

389. By my reckoning,

390. I'd say I'm the only man in this room that owes you, Toast.

391. This.

392. It's for making love to my wife

393. in my bed,

394. sometimes when I was in the house,

395. actually, sometimes even when I was in the bed!

396. For the last 20...

397. Oh, yeah! Come on, Purchase, ruck in there!

398. Knock him out!

399. What have you got, Toast?

400. Oh, my goodness.

401. Purchase!

402. Come on, Purchase!

403. All right, gentlemen, £20 on the man in the moustache.

404. God, not in the knackers.

405. Oh, my giddy Aunt Sally!

406. That'll teach you, Ray bloody Purchase.

407. Champagne, sir?

408. It's an 1841 Veuve Clicquot.

409. I'll bet it is!

410. There you go, sir.

411. Jane? I'm safely on the plane.

412. Away from the baying mob.

413. Can you believe they only turned up to collect money off me?

414. Ha! Saved in the nick of time.

415. Now, let me give you some more details about the terrific

416. stroke of luck you've had.

417. With Purchase now out of the picture,

418. I immediately contacted Doubledecker to say you were still

419. very much available.

420. He said yes immediately, they're even paying for your flight.

421. Ha! Thank God for Doubledecker. "DOOB-ledecker".

422. And hooray for Hollywood, you're going to Tinseltown, Toast.

423. Can you believe it?

424. How's Ray Purchase?

425. Two broken legs and a badly sprained neck,

426. he'll be out of action for months.

427. Two broken legs, fantastic!

428. Everything's worked out dandy, Jane, just dandy.

429. Have a nice day! Ha!

430. I almost forgot, what's the name of the movie that I'm going to be in?

431. The latest Star Wars movie.

432. You've heard of the Star Wars, I take it?

433. Yes, Jane,

434. even I've heard Star Wars.

435. Excuse me, buddy? I think you're in my seat.

436. Oh, yes.

437. Apologies, old chap.

438. Toast.

439. Steven Toast.

440. I'm Nightlife.

441. Russ Nightlife.

442. Pleased to meet you.