Toast of London 3x6

Directed by

Martin Freeman as Martin Freeman • Jude Law as Jude Law • Sam Mendes as Sam Mendes

When Toast begs Jane to get him in at the Globe Theatre, he's less than impressed with the director, Daz Klondyke, who's rumoured to be the hottest thing in UK theatre. However when he's cast in Klondyke's all-dog version of Twelfth Night, it's not long before Toast gets his fingers burnt as he tries to become a real actor.

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1. That's a cool hat. Are you DJing tonight?

2. Oh, yeah. Dropping some MP3 bombs down at Hip-Hop Karaoke.

3. - The social? - No, no.

4. Above the multi-story car park by the Westway. Oh, yeah.

5. - Have you got any candies? - Yeah, I've got loads.

6. - How many do you want? - Just a few.

7. I'm pulling and all-nighter, so I'm thinking... six?

8. Can we get on with this?

9. Or have I gotta listen to you two talk about leg warmers all day?

10. Sorry, man. Oh, Steven, do you want a cup of tea before we start?

11. - There's a hell of a lot to get through. - You're not lying. Jesus Christ.

12. What the hell is this, the Bible?

13. That's exactly what it is. We're recording an audio book of the Bible.

14. - What, your agent not tell you? - No, she didn't.

15. And if she had have told me I'd be reading the Bible,

16. I wouldn't have fucking agreed to it.

17. Hi, Steven, this is Clem Fandango. Can you hear me?

18. Uh, not really, cock.

19. Not with all this Bible paper sound-proofing the booth!

20. Oh, cheers, Denise. Just a sec, which cup is Steven's?

21. Just leave them here. I'll take it in to him.

22. What the fuck?

23. What, are you fucking kidding me? Those pills are intense.

24. - He'll be chewing the carpet. - Better put another one in then.

25. Oi, where's my cup of tea?

26. Coming.

27. This is the most beautiful thing I've ever read.

28. It's better than Shakespeare.

29. And his ass was beautiful. I'll read this one again. Are we rolling?

30. I love you. And I love you.

31. Did I tell you that I love you?

32. Sod this. Let's go from the beginning.

33. Where...

34. - Another one? - Not for me, Ray.

35. I'm on in ten. You see, I've timed it to perfection.

36. If I start running now, I can clear Soho,

37. pirouette past the Lyceum, ascend the bendy bridge,

38. jump onto the South Bank,

39. and just sashay into the Globe in exactly nine minutes.

40. Marvelous!

41. Simply spot on. Go knock 'em dead, young Cliff Bonanza.

42. There'll be one in the pipe for your return.

43. OK!

44. God, I envy the boy.

45. Off he goes to speak the greatest verse ever written.

46. Delivered proudly upon the most hallowed timber that is...

47. the Globe Theatre.

48. I know, if I didn't have to hand over 90% of my income for child support

49. to some actress I hadn't seen since 1979,

50. if I wasn't burdened with a with a sizeable mortgage,

51. or taken a semi-regular role in Boon,

52. I, too, would be stood alongside him on that most prestigious of stages.

53. Mm, wouldn't we all, Cocker Boo?

54. You know, I feel

55. an actor cannot truly call himself an actor until he's performed at the Globe.

56. Couldn't agree with you more, Purchase.

57. Remind me, Toast,

58. when was the last time you performed at the Globe?

59. Sorry, Toast, we didn't hear you.

60. Could you project?

61. - Why have you got three fans, Jane? - It's ridiculously hot!

62. I was so embarrassed by Ray Purchase, I had to leave the club immediately.

63. Phew! Could it get any hotter, Toast?

64. According to Radio 4,

65. we're currently experiencing the hottest weather since weather began.

66. - Why are you shouting, Jane? - How did that play go?

67. Why are you shouting, Jane?

68. What?

69. These fans are silent. You don't need to shout.

70. How did you get on on that radio comedy show? Good audience?

71. Might be a problem with that show.

72. There were some people in wheelchairs at the front

73. that I found particularly distracting, so I had them removed.

74. I see.

75. Hang on, that's dreadful behavior.

76. Kicking members of the audience out just because they're in wheelchairs?

77. No, not because they're in wheelchairs, because I found them distracting.

78. That could be the least politically correct thing anyone has ever done, ever!

79. Remember, Toast, the PC Police are everywhere these days.

80. The what? Well, who cares?

81. Ray bloody Purchase publicly humiliated me, and for once...

82. - I had no comeback. - Well, you know what they say.

83. An actor cannot really call himself an actor until he's perfor—

84. Performed at the Globe. I know.

85. Which is why you are gonna get me into the Globe.

86. I'm what?

87. You are gonna get me into the Globe.

88. They've all performed there.

89. Kay Tightneck, Cocker Boo, Peanut Whistle,

90. Una Length, Dick Weerdly, Sal Commotion,

91. Scott Chestnut, Basil Watchfair,

92. Iqbal Achieve,

93. Nan Slack, Giuseppe Race, even Heathcote Pursuit!

94. Every single one. All performed at the Globe.

95. It won't be easy, Toast. You'll have to impress Daz Klondyke.

96. He's taken over as creative director literally this morning.

97. Yeah, I had heard a rumor.

98. He is possibly the hottest,

99. most controversial director in the biz right now.

100. Enfant terrible! Literally, the terrible child of British theater.

101. What, he's literally a child?

102. Of course he's not a child. I'm translating from the French.

103. He is a genius, though.

104. His production of The Sound of Music at the Royal Court was sensational.

105. It wasn't, Jane, it was pornographic. The man got arrested.

106. So? So did Oscar Wilde. Didn't do him any harm, did it?

107. - Yes, it did! - Anyway!

108. Klondyke's really gonna shake up the Globe.

109. He loves trying Shakespeare in radically different ways.

110. I'll call him now.

111. India, Daz Klondyke, patch me through.

112. You may not want to be here when I do this.

113. No, you carry on. Then I'll know that you've definitely done it.

114. Daz! How are you?

115. Settling into your little house on the Thames?

116. Marvelous! Now, I've got another actor I'd like you to see.

117. He's a bit older.

118. Older than that. Quite a bit older.

119. - Way older! - Get on with it!

120. His name is Steven Toast.

121. Know the name, can't picture the face?

122. Have you got a Spotlight directory in front of you?

123. - Oh, God. - Oh, you're looking at it.

124. - Looks like a dog. Yes, that's him. - What?

125. Have I thought of entering that picture for Crufts?

126. Oh, Daz, you are naughty.

127. I'll send him round. Ciao, ciao.

128. Bye-bye.

129. Woof, woof.

130. Oh, it's bloody hot, Toast.

131. It's the hottest weather since weather began.

132. Mm. What are you reading, Ed?

133. Oh, it's a movie script. I've been offered a part.

134. It's a sequel to something I did years ago,

135. which I remember as being rather fun.

136. It's an erotic comedy.

137. Porn film?

138. No, Toast, an erotic comedy.

139. - New table, Ed? - Oh, I'm pleased you noticed.

140. Yes, it's made from blue spruce.

141. Oh, blue spruce! The Scottish wood?

142. Yes, it's all the rage at the moment.

143. And these chairs are also made of blue spruce.

144. - Looks great! - It is though incredibly flammable.

145. If there was a fire, the place would go up in seconds.

146. And with the fire service on strike at the moment,

147. - that could be catastrophic. - Let's hope that doesn't happen.

148. I see Daz Klondyke has taken over at the Globe.

149. Ooh, that's like Sid Vicious being put in charge

150. - of the Opera House.

151. I can't wait to see what he comes up with.

152. Well, I'll know soon enough. I'm gonna see him this afternoon.

153. Oh, I used to love treading the boards at the Globe.

154. I've done a few stints in there in my time.

155. When did you last perform at the Globe, Toast?

156. I haven't performed at the Globe. Not that it's any of your—

157. What was that?

158. I said I've... I've never...

159. you know, at the Globe.

160. Had sex at the Globe? Well, I have.

161. No, not had sex. I've never acted there!

162. Oh!

163. - Ed? - Toast?

164. Do you think I look like a dog?

165. Do I think you look like a dog?

166. Not really.

167. Why have you set an extra place at the table?

168. - Ah, that's for Kai. - Who?

169. Kai. He's my cousin's son from Australia.

170. - He's backpacking around Europe.

171. G'day! I'm Kai.

172. He actually says "g'day."

173. Kai, welcome, welcome.

174. - Great to see ya, Ed. - Kai, this is Steven Toast.

175. - How ya doing mate? - Fuck off.

176. - What? - Sorry, hi. My name's Steven Toast.

177. - You're the other guy that lives here. - Yes.

178. Ed tells me your job's doing voiceovers.

179. Did he now?

180. I am an actor who occasionally engages in audio performances.

181. - He does quite a lot of voiceovers. - That's so sell-out, man.

182. If you're a proper actor, must be a bit like prostitution.

183. - Right, I'm out of here. - Toast is off to the Globe.

184. - The Globe Theatre? - Yes.

185. They say an actor can't call himself an actor—

186. Fuck off, again.

187. - Oh... Oh!

188. Ed, I've fallen over with the immense weight of this backpack.

189. Yes, well, let me deal with something here first.

190. You really do look like a dog.

191. Seeing your photo gave me an idea.

192. Have you done much theater, Toast?

193. My life is theater.

194. OK, but you've never performed at the Globe.

195. I mean, they say an actor cannot really call himself an actor until—

196. Until he's performed at the Glo-o-obe.

197. - What? - Nothing.

198. This desk, is it made of blue spruce?

199. It is. Well spotted. I'm impressed.

200. Let's get down to brass tacks. Here's the thing.

201. As you know I've got a bit of a reputation as a pretty shit-hot left-wing director

202. who's been brought in to bury his foot in Shakespeare's ass.

203. Yep, I'd heard that.

204. I'm thinking of kicking off the season with Twelfth Night.

205. - Great play. - Yeah.

206. - And I'm gonna do it with dogs. - What?

207. Did you just say you're going to do it with dogs?

208. - Mostly dogs. - You're gonna use dogs as actors?

209. Yeah, I need to be radical. Things have got pretty stale around here.

210. I want this to be a metaphor for what's happening in Syria.

211. But dogs can't act.

212. They said that about women, and then I put on an all-female production

213. of Julius Caesar at the Donmar and it was a complete triumph.

214. Yeah, but dogs really can't act.

215. - I mean, I don't even think they can talk. - Did you hear what I said?

216. It's mostly dogs, not all dogs. That'd be fucking mental.

217. But you, as a human being who looks like a dog,

218. would be perfect to act alongside the other dogs.

219. So I just need a couple of actors who look like dogs.

220. An older dog... you. And a young pup.

221. Come in.

222. Ed sent me. You forgot your pipe.

223. - You'll do. - What?

224. - This prick? He's not even an actor! - Perfect.

225. Wo-o-o-of!

226. Did you just bark there as you reached your vinegar stroke?

227. Did I? Must have dogs on the brain.

228. It's Daz bloody Klondyke and his talking-dog play.

229. How brave of him to a play with dogs.

230. Typical Klondyke. He loves working with non-actors.

231. And I'm not surprised you're in it, because you do look exactly like a dog.

232. Hmm. New bed, Mrs. P?

233. Yes. Everything's made of blue spruce!

234. - It's all the rage. - All the rage now, yes, I know.

235. Anyway, I got what I came for.

236. - Charming. - Off to rehearse.

237. Maybe I should pick up some dog food for lunch.

238. Tummy any better, Ray?

239. Not too good, darling. Bloody leftover lasagna.

240. Always makes my guts dance. Ah!

241. I need to lie still.

242. I think something's burning.

243. What's this? I thought we were rehearsing.

244. Ah, this is the photoshoot for the poster.

245. We can rehearse later.

246. More important to drum up business for the show with a sexy poster.

247. So who are these, the other actors?

248. No, they're just models.

249. No one gives a fuck who's in Shakespeare as long as everyone looks good

250. and the posters are eye catching.

251. Why don't you take a break? Come back at say 12:30.

252. But that's two hours.

253. Hello.

254. - Hello? - What?

255. Lee-ster Square? - Leester Square?

256. - What the fuck are you talking about? - Uh... Leester Square?

257. Leester Square, what do you mean Leicester Square?

258. Yes! - Yeah?

259. Yes, yes!

260. - Why didn't you fucking say that? - Please help me?

261. Help you? Wasting my fucking time when I'm walking down the street.

262. It's a disgrace.

263. What?

264. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

265. What is this, some kind of Roman orgy?

266. You need to have a word please.

267. - I'm really sorry. - I bet you are.

268. I'm really sorry.

269. - It's disturbing the other customers. - Out!

270. Excuse me.

271. Have a care!

272. Is that reception? The air conditioning's broken.

273. - It's really hot outside.

274. Could you send someone up? Right away, please.

275. Bloody hell.

276. - Oh, God. - That was quick.

277. I hope you've got the right tool for the job, boy.

278. Oh, I think I've got everything covered.

279. No, no, no, no, no.

280. Excuse me. Watch it!

281. OK. Act three, scene one.

282. From "I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia, sir,

283. to bring a Cressida to this Troilus."

284. - In your own time.

285. - Must you do that? - Hm?

286. - Haven't you got some lines to learn? - No.

287. Dazzer says I should just get a sense of the scene

288. and then sort of allow myself into it.

289. Might be something you should look at because, if you don't mind me saying,

290. you come across as a bit of an arsehole.

291. You what?

292. OK, don't worry. You will get it.

293. We're having a few teething problems with the dogs.

294. Sorry, fellas. You can take a break.

295. It's a challenge. They're dogs, for fuck's sake.

296. - Right. Now, this is radical.

297. Your characters, they're kinda similar, don't you think?

298. - Plus, we never see them appear together. - Nope.

299. So I'm gonna combine them.

300. You're gonna what?

301. How does it feel in there, guys?

302. Fucking degrading. Great.

303. - Toast? I said it's great.

304. All right, chaps? Dunno whose round it is, but make mine a large one.

305. God, it's tiring, rehearsing at the Globe.

306. Do you want a bone to go with that, Toast?

307. - A bone? What are you talking about?

308. It's all right, fellas. My shout.

309. Straight glass, Toast, or would you prefer a bowl?

310. A bowl? What the...

311. Oh, my God.

312. No! More distortion! I told you, I wanna be able to smell the distain.

313. The audience won't even see my face. I'm playing the arse-end of the dog!

314. OK, but they will be able to sense it. The people who come to see my show,

315. they are not idiots.

316. Look, we are really getting somewhere, Toast.

317. The dogs are really getting into it now.

318. And... this could be my greatest ever production

319. and I honestly think could go some way to solving the problems in the Middle East.

320. And hey, we've still got three weeks, two days and...

321. seven hours to opening night. This is gonna be fantastic!

322. Nah, it's no good.

323. - Kai, fire the dogs. - The dogs were the coolest thing about it.

324. Of course they weren't, you kangaroo cunt!

325. Damned things never listen to me!

326. It was a crazy idea!

327. Why didn't you try and stop me?

328. Huh? What?

329. Too busy trying to get the Globe on your CV?

330. We could all be ruined.

331. So, if anyone can think of anything,

332. now would definitely be the time to step forward.

333. What?

334. Well, we are in an ancient wooden structure.

335. That desk is made of blue spruce,

336. which as you know is the most flammable substance known to man.

337. And the fire brigade are still on strike.

338. So, suppose I were to...

339. lay my lit pipe right there.

340. What do you think might happen?

341. Gentlemen, I think we should leave.

342. British theatrical world has been reeling

343. after the world-famous Globe Theatre burnt down in a fire

344. which the police are treating as arson.

345. The Globe Theatre is, or was...

346. one of the jewels in the crown of the British theater community.

347. I can't believe that an actor

348. would have done something so dreadful.

349. I would suspect they won't be an actor for much longer.

350. We all love The Globe.

351. Well, I've only just heard. It's absolutely unspeakable.

352. I don't know what to think.

353. I think every actor in the country

354. is appalled that a theater like the Globe

355. can go down all because of one man's vanity.

356. He's disrespected the craft of acting, he's disrespected Shakespeare.

357. It's appalling.

358. It's a tragedy.

359. - What a wanker. - Utterly pathetic.

360. Some colossal twat has burnt it down.

361. Jane!

362. What the bloody hell were you thinking, Toast? You clownish pyro.

363. - Now hang on! - Shut up! Arsonist!

364. Steven Gonville Toast,

365. the man who never performed at the Globe Theatre, then,

366. in a fit of jealousy, burnt the bloody thing down.

367. - It didn't happen like that. - But that's what they'll say.

368. The Globe's been there since 1599!

369. What were you scared of? Getting a bad review?

370. - No. - When other actors get bad reviews,

371. their reaction is not normally to burn down the theater.

372. You're lucky we were able to blame young Kai. God rest his soul.

373. But you won't be able to weasel out of this one, Toast.

374. Because everyone in the business knows it was you!

375. - It wasn't like that! - Poor Daz Klondyke.

376. Got his leg caught under a burning beam.

377. He may never walk again.

378. Who cares? - You burnt down the Globe!

379. Thus almost causing the second Great Fire of London.

380. I'll probably never work again.

381. Why are you holding a letter aloft, Jane?

382. It's for you. It was delivered personally this afternoon.

383. - What is it? - It's a fine.

384. A fine? For how much?

385. £1,000.

386. But that's all the money I have! Who's it from?

387. The PC police.

388. - What, they actually exist? - Of course they bloody exist.

389. - They're everywhere! - What's the fine for?

390. Throwing disabled audience members out of a recording.

391. - Oh. - Abusing a foreign tourist on the street.

392. Complaining about a woman breastfeeding in public.

393. And being seen going into a porn theater.

394. Well, that's it. I'm finished.

395. Ooh, and... one more thing.

396. 25, actually.

397. Would you like this? Or shall I throw it straight in the bin?

398. You can't fire me, Jane. Apart from Ed, you're all I have.

399. Well, then maybe Ed can get you a job.

400. It's quite urgent.

401. So could you send someone straight away please? Thank you.

402. Blimey, that was quick.

403. The boss said it was a two-man job, so I brought my assistant.

404. He's a virgin.

405. Cut! Toast, look excited.

406. I wanna smell the excitement!

407. Toast, more, more, more!

408. More!